FAMILY GUY

"More Money, More Funny"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2018
 ACT ONE
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
A televised poker game is taking place. QUAGMIRE is seated at
a poker table with MAYOR WEST, CAL TOMLINSON (50), JENNIFER
HARMAN (50), and a POKER DEALER.
PETER, JOE, and CLEVELAND are seated in the audience,
drinking beer, and watching the game along with 200 other
SPECTATORS.

PETER

(TO JOE AND CLEVELAND) So remind me

again -- which card is better? A Jack,

or a Queen?

JOE

A Queen.

PETER

But that doesn't make sense. (DRINKS

BEER) After all -- Jack is a man, and

a Queen is a woman; and it's been

scientifically proven that men are

superior to women, not to mention the

fact that men don't menstruate or do

any other ridiculous stuff like that.

OPRAH WINFREY is seated next to Peter.

OPRAH WINFREY

Hey. I'm Oprah Winfrey, and I find

your views on women to be very

offensive.

Peter looks as DR. PHIL, who's sitting right next to Oprah.

 2.

PETER

What do you think, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL

Well. I think you made a few excellent

points. Men rule! Women menstruate!

Peter and Dr. Phil high five.

OPRAH WINFREY

Idiots.
PETER

I'm not an idiot. (TO JOE) Joe. Which

card is better -- a two, or a three?

JOE

(ANNOYED) A three.

PETER

But that doesn't make any sense.

JOE

It makes plenty of sense! Just watch

the game and stop asking questions.

Quagmire is getting close to winning

the World Championship of Poker.

CLEVELAND

(OBSERVING THE POKER GAME) It looks

like Quagmire has a good hand.

JOE

How can you tell?

 3.

CLEVELAND

Well. He's saying the word giggity

repeatedly.

Over at the table, Quagmire is peeking at his hole cards: two

Aces.

QUAGMIRE

(HAPPY) Giggety, giggety, giggety.

(LOOKS AT THE OTHER PLAYERS) I mean,

uh. Poker face.

He puts on a poker face. Second later, he peeks at his cards
again.

QUAGMIRE (CONT’D)

(HAPPY) Giggety, giggety, giggety.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

STEWIE and BRIAN are watching the poker game on TV, as

Quagmire continues to say giggety.

Brian has a laptop in front of him.

STEWIE

What you doing with that computer,

Brian?

BRIAN

Well. If you must know, I'm working on

my new novel.

STEWIE

Hm. I've noticed you haven't been

typing much. In fact, you haven't

typed anything in the last half hour.

 4.

BRIAN

Well. That's how writing works. You

have to let ideas germinate.

STEWIE

By sitting in front of the TV?

BRIAN

Yes by sitting in front of the TV! Now

will you please be quiet, so I can

hear what the people on TV are saying,

and I can let my ideas germinate

properly?

On TV, we see a booth with the poker broadcast's announcers

and commentators TOM TUCKER, CHRIS, and CONSUELA.
TOM TUCKER

Welcome back to the World Championship

of Poker -- presented by Rolaids. I'm

Tom Tucker, alongside my new intern

Chris Griffin, and my new maid

Consuela.

CHRIS

Uh. Mr. Tucker. Aren't you gonna

mention Consuela's last name?

TOM TUCKER

I don't think she has one.

CHRIS

Consuela. Do you have a last name?

 5.

CONSUELA

No, no, no. No last name. One name.

Consuela.

TOM TUCKER

(TO TV AUDIENCE) Anyways, this is day

seven of the World Championship of

Poker -- and we're here at the Quahog

Casino, Hotel, and Ostrich Farm.

Consuela starts Windexing Chris's face.
TOM TUCKER (CONT’D)

This place holds the distinction of

being the world's only indoor ostrich

farm, as well as the location used in

the 1982 blaxploitation film, I'm

Gonna Kill Yo Ass in a Casino.

INT. CASINO (SLOT MACHINES) - DAY
A BLACK MAN (30, dressed like Dolemite) is playing a slot
machine. Right behind him, an ostrich lays an egg, and a
farmer in overalls walks over and collects the egg. The Black
Man collects his winning from his machine and gets up. He
sees BLACK MAN 2 (30, also dressed like Dolemite).
BLACK MAN

Yo, man. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a

casino.
He attacks Black Man 2, and they have a stereotypical
blaxploitation kung fu fight.

They stop fighting.

 6.

BLACK MAN 2

Wait a second. This movie is chock

full of over-the-top black

stereotypes. It's a racist movie.

BLACK MAN

Yeah. What's your point?

BLACK MAN 2

I guess I don't have a point.

BLACK MAN

Well then. I'm gonna kill yo ass in a

casino.

They continue fighting.

INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
The Dealer is shuffling the deck.
TOM TUCKER (V.O.)

We started this tournament with ten

thousand players- -- and now we're

down to four: MIT math professor Cal

Tomlinson, two time poker champion

Jennifer Harman, three time taffy

eating champion Adam West, and sex

addict Glenn Quagmire. Chris. You're

my color commentator. Tell us a little

something about the players.

CHRIS (V.O)

Well. Let's see. Mr. Quagmire has two

STDs.
 7.

TOM TUCKER (V.O.)

That's one less than my ex-wife.

CONSUELA

Yes. It's very good.

Back in the audience

PETER

(TO JOE AND CLEVELAND) I can't believe

Quagmire is playing for a grand prize

of fifteen million dollars. This is

really exciting. But on the other

hand, I can watch The Three Stooges on

my phone.
He takes out his cell phone and plays a Three Stooges video.
PETER (CONT’D)

Ah ha ha ha! Moe just slapped Curly!

Ah ha ha ha! (SHOWS HIS PHONE TO

CLEVELAND) Look, Cleveland! Look! I

think he's about to slap him again.

Quagmire and Jennifer Harman are the only two players left in
the poker hand. Jennifer Harman bets, and Quagmire calls and
turns over his hand.

QUAGMIRE

I call. I have three of a kind. And

you have a large pair. A large pair of

breasts.
Jennifer Harman flips over her hand.
JENNIFER HARMAN

I have a full house.

 8.

QUAGMIRE

You have a full blouse.

JENNIFER HARMAN

I'm done playing with you!

She shoves all her chips towards Quagmire's stack.
JENNIFER HARMAN (CONT’D)

Here! Just take my chips!

She stands up and walks away.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Stewie and Brian are still watching the poker game on TV.

STEWIE

You gotta love that Quagmire. He's a

delightful young man.

BRIAN

He's middle aged. And he's kind of a

sleazeball.

STEWIE

Must you be so negative?

Consuela is Widexing their table.

CONSUELA

Yes. Brian is negative. Stuey also

negative. He say Brian no work on

book.

STEWIE

Uh. Consuela. Aren't you at the World

Championship of Poker right now?

 9.

CONSUELA

Yes. I do two job. For make more

money. I go back now for poker job.

She exits the home, and Brian and Stewie watch from the
window and see her getting on a bus.
INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY
Quagmire, Mayor West, and Cal Tomlinson are involved in a
hand. On screen, we can see graphics of the players' hidden
hole cards--Mayor West: two "Draw Four" Uno cards; Quagmire:
2s 5d; Cal Tomlinson: Jd 8d. The community cards on the table
are Jh As 7c.
Quagmire puts in some chips.
TOM TUCKER (V.O)

Quagmire is bluffing with just five

high!
Tomlinson and Mayor West quickly call.

PETER

(CHANTS FROM THE AUDIENCE) We want a

pitcher! Not a belly itcher! We want a

catcher! Not a belly scratcher! Hey

batter batter batter -- sahwing

batter!

CLEVELAND

Peter -- that's the wrong sport.

PETER

Right. (STARTS A BASKETBALL CHANT) Dee-

fence (CLAP, CLAP) Dee-fence (CLAP,

CLAP)
The Dealer puts a 6 of hearts on the board. Tomlinson and
Mayor West check, and Quagmire bets.
 10.

CHRIS (V.O.)

Wow. Mr. Quagmire bluffed again!

CONSUELA (V.O.)

We need more Windex. Someone buy.

CAL TOMLINSON

I call.
He puts in some chips.
Mayor West flips over his Draw Four cards and puts them in
front of Quagmire and Tomlinson.

MAYOR WEST

Draw four!
The Dealer hold up a red (soccer referee) card.
TOM TUCKER (V.O.)

Adam West has just been disqualified

for playing Uno instead of poker.

MAYOR WEST

You sunk my battleship!

The Dealer puts a 7 of hearts on the board. Tomlinson checks,
and Quagmire pushes in a bunch of chips.
TOM TUCKER (V.O.)

And Quagmire bets ten million chips

with absolutely nothing!

Tomlinson throws his cards in the muck.

QUAGMIRE

Alright!

He collects all the chips from the pot.

 11.

PETER

(IMITATING A SOCCER GAME ANNOUNCER)

Goooooooooaaaaaalllll!

Goooooooooaaaaaalllll! El Quagmire

bluffito con los cardos que no son

mucho buenos! Goooooooooaaaaaalllll!

DR. PHIL

Peter. You are a very impressive man.

Back at the table, Quagmire and Cal Tomlinson are the only
two players left, and they're dealt another hand. They peek
at their hole cards: Quagmire has a pair of Sixes, and
Tomlinson has 7c 8c. The following action takes place very
quickly. Quagmire raises, Tomlinson reraises, Quagmire calls.
The Dealer deals 4c, 4s, Qd on the board. Tomlinson bets,
Quagmire calls. The dealer deals 5c on the board. Tomlinson
bets, Quagmire calls. The dealer deals a Qs on the board.

TOMLINSON

I'm all in.

TOM TUCKER (V.O.)

Holy Toledo! Tomlinson is all in with

nothing! And Quagmire only has a pair

of sixes! Can Quagmire call this bet

with just a pair of sixes?!

CONSUELA (V.O.)

I don't know. Maybe. What time you

want to watch Everybody Loves Raymond?

QUAGMIRE

I call.

CAL TOMLINSON

I was bluffing.

Quagmire turns over his pair of Sixes.

 12.

INT. GRIFFINS' HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Stewie and Brian are still watching the poker tournament on
TV.

TOM TUCKER (ON TV)

Glenn Quagmire is the new World

Champion of Poker!

CHRIS (ON TV)

Indeed he is.

TOM TUCKER (ON TV)

Chris. You know Quagmire quite well.

What do you think he's gonna do with

the fifteen million dollars?

CHRIS (ON TV)

Well, Tom. I suppose he will spend the

money on hookers.

STEWIE

(TO BRIAN) (WITH NO ENTHUSIASM) Hm.

Quagmire won the tournament, and he's

a millionaire. I suppose that'll lead

to some delightful shenanigans and

tomfoolery within the next few days.

... Anyways, let's see what else in on

TV.
Brian changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD is performing.
 13.

JERRY SEINFELD

Breakfast is the most important and

confusing meal of the day. I mean, is

there anyone on this planet who can

listen to Rice Krispies and hear the

difference between a snap, a crackle,

and a pop?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie laughs.
BRIAN

You like this? I was about to change

channel.
Stewie puts a knife to Brian's throat.
STEWIE

Back away from the remote.

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD

And why is it when you mix toast with

an egg, the whole thing becomes French

toast? I mean, does that work with

other things? If you mix an egg with

my wife's vagina, does that mean my

wife has a French vagina? Am I

supposed to eat it, or give it a

French kiss?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Stewie is drinking milk, and he laughs so hard, the milk
comes flying out of his nose.
 14.

Brian show no trace of amusement.

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD

And how come so many New York City cab

drivers have stupid names like Amal?

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE

Exactly! They're foreigners!

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
JERRY SEINFELD

And why is it that when you get on an

airplane, the flight attendants teach

you how to use your seatbelt? Do they

think that if we don't get those

instructions, we'll use the seatbelt

to choke ourselves while we masturbate

on the plane?
INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
STEWIE

(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY) Jerry Seinfeld

is a creative genius. I never knew art

could reach such an incredible level

of beauty and grace. I mean, seriously

-- what's French about the toast?

BRIAN

Um -- Stewie, it's just observational

humor about breakfast and foreigners.

(MORE)
 15.
BRIAN (CONT'D)

It's not art. Art is a painting, or a

sculpture, or a novel.
STEWIE

A novel? What -- you mean like your

novel?
BRIAN

Well. Yeah.
STEWIE
Does your novel ask the important

questions -- like, "What's French

about French toast?

BRIAN

No. It asks the important questions --

like, "What does it really mean to be

a human being? Or a dog."

STEWIE

Let me just ask you this. What's the

deal with your novel, Brian?

BRIAN

The deal with it is "kiss my ass."

STEWIE

I mean, instead of writing mindless

drivel, why don't you try doing what

Jerry Seinfeld does?

BRIAN

Jerry Seinfeld writes the most

mindless drivel of all!

 16.

STEWIE

I will not stand for you to sully the

image of Mr. Seinfeld! How dare you! I

mean, I'd like to see you come up with

an insightful, witty observation like,

"What's so French about French toast?"

BRIAN

I'd like to see you come up with

observations like that.

STEWIE

Well. I'd like to see that as well.

... Oh my goodness, Brian! I just

realized what I want to do with my

life. I want to be a stand up

comedian!
BRIAN

Great. I think you should.

STEWIE
Really?
BRIAN

Absolutely. Because I'm gonna piss all

over your comedy the way you've pissed

all over my novels.

STEWIE

Piss. That's a funny word. Maybe I can

use that in my act. Piss. Piss.

(MORE)
 17.
STEWIE (CONT'D)

Or how about mango? That sounds funny,

too. Mango. Mango. Mango.

END OF ACT ONE

 18.

ACT TWO

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - DAY

Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table
with $15 million cash and a deck of cards.
JOE

Well, Mr. World Poker Champion. Let me

ask you something? How did you outplay

that MIT guy?

QUAGMIRE

He has a tell. Every time he bluffs, I

get an erection. Alright. Let's play

some poker. I'm really in a gambling

mood after winning that tournament. I

got fifteen million dollars on the

table. How much are you guys buying in

for?
Peter takes out a $100 bill.
PETER

Twenty bucks. You got change for a

hundred?
Close up on Peter's watch. It says 1:00.
Cut to it saying 2:00. All the money is next to Peter.
PETER (CONT’D)

Wow. I've won a lot of money. There

must be at least... twenty bucks here.

 19.

QUAGMIRE

Peter. You've won fifteen million

seven hundred fifty three dollars and

twenty eight cents. And my supermarket

club card.
CLEVELAND

And my moustache comb.

JOE

And my wife.
Peter is using the moustache comb on his teeth. BONNIE is
sitting next to him.
PETER

Mustache comb? I thought this was a

"black man's toothpick."

JOE

Peter. Let's focus here. You just had

one of the winningest poker sessions

ever.
PETER
Well. You did OK, too. You won my

wife.
LOIS is sitting next to Joe.
LOIS

Peter. He didn't win me. I'm not a

poker chip.
 20.

PETER

Lois -- I think I'm a good enough

poker player to tell the difference

between a poker chip and a non poker

chip. After all, I just had one of the

winningest poker sessions ever.

LOIS

Because for most of the game, I sat

next to you and told you what to do,

and you won fifteen million dollars.

And then you bet me.

PETER

Honey -- you're forgetting one thing.

JOE

Hey. Don't call her honey. She's my

wife now -- remember?

PETER

Oh. Right. (TO BONNIE) Honey -- you're

forgetting one thing.
BONNIE

Don't call me honey, Peter.

PETER

Joe -- your ex-wife is a real piece of

work.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - DAY
A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a small
AUDIENCE. Brian and Stewie walk in and make their way to a
table.
 21.

BLACK COMEDIAN

...Ain't no grapes or nuts in that

box. So why the hell is it called

Grape-Nuts?
Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.
A WAITRESS walks by their table.
STEWIE

(TO WAITRESS) Excuse me. Can you get

me a scotch and orange juice, shaken,

not stirred, in a sippy cup that's

yellow, not orange?

She walks away.

BLACK COMEDIAN

(TO AUDIENCE) And let me just say

this. Here's the main difference

between uber drivers and cab drivers.

Cab drivers got some crazy ass names.

The other day I was in a cab, and the

driver's name was (IN ARABIC ACCENT)

"eklikhikhligillekhleh."
STEWIE

Ha ha ha! Yes! Because cab drivers are

foreigners!

The Waitress serves Stewie a sippy cup.

 22.

BLACK COMEDIAN

(TO AUDIENCE) And now allow me change

the subject, and talk about white

people and black people. White people

drink juice.
Stewie is drinking from a yellow sippy cup.
STEWIE

(TO BRIAN) That's true. I'm drinking

juice right now.

BLACK COMEDIAN

(TO AUDIENCE) But black people -- we

don't be drinking no juice.

Stewie is taking notes. In his notebook, we can see what he
wrote: "White people drink juice. Black people DON'T drink
juice."
BRIAN

You're taking notes?

STEWIE

Stand up comedy is my passion, Brian!

BLACK COMEDIAN

(TO AUDIENCE) 'Cause if you're black,

you don't drink juice. But if your

skin is white, your refrigerator got

so much juice, it looks like a mother

effing Tropicana factory.

Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people and black people

have fundamentally different mother effing lifestyles --
especially when it comes to juice."
 23.

BLACK COMEDIAN (CONT’D)

Like, I mean, black people hate Donald

Trump, and they drink Kool-Aid. But

white people -- white people are all

like, (OVER-THE-TOP, STEREOTYPICAL

WHITE VOICE) "Honey -- can you pour me

a glass of juice? Trump Twenty Twenty.

Barack Obama is a black son of a

bitch."

Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people think Barack

Obama is a black son of a bitch."
BRIAN

(TO STEWIE) Can we go now?

STEWIE

Brian -- don't interrupt me while I'm

working.
INT. GRIFFIN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa watching TV. Peter is
wearing a tuxedo and eating beans out of a can. MEG enters.
MEG

Mom -- why is dad wearing a tuxedo and

eating Beefaroni?
LOIS

Well, honey. It's because we're

millionaires.
PETER

Yeah. When I was a hundredaire, I wore

shirts and ate out food out of a box.

(MORE)
 24.
PETER (CONT'D)

But now that I'm a millionaire, I wear

tuxedos and eat food out of a can.

CHRIS enters from the kitchen and looks at Peter.
CHRIS

Whoa! Are we millionaires?!

MEG

You could tell that just by seeing dad

eat Beefaroni in a tuxedo?

CHRIS

Yeah. And also, our kitchen is filled

with stacks of hundred dollar bills.

MEG

Wow! (TO LOIS AND PETER) Are we gonna

buy a Bentley and move to Beverly

Hills?
LOIS

Well. I mean, now that we're

millionaires, the first thing I want

to do... is gamble.
PETER

Yeah. Me, too.

MEG

You two sound like gambling addicts.

 25.

LOIS

Don't be ridiculous, honey. It's just,

when you win a lot of money by

gambling, you want to win even more

money.

PETER

Let's go, Lois. If we leave now, we

can get to the casino before it

closes.
MEG

Are you crazy? Why would you gamble?

We already have more money than we'll

ever need.
PETER

Meg. You don't understand how this

stuff works. Me and your mom are

what's known as professional gamblers.

That means we have to gamble for at

least ten hours a day, in order to

make a living and put food on the

table.
The doorbell rings. Lois opens it to reveal a traditionally
dressed JAPANESE MESSENGER.
JAPANESE MESSENGER

Hello. I am a traditional Japanese

messenger, sent here by Mayor West.

LOIS

Mayor West isn't Japanese.

 26.

JAPANESE MESSENGER

Yes. But he is a lunatic. And he found

out that you won fifteen million

dollars today from Quagmire san -- so

he sent me here to invite you to a

private poker game in his hotel room

at the Quahog Hotel, Casino, and

Ostrich Farm.
PETER

Tell Mayor West san that we accept his

invitation, and we'll be there with

our fifteen million dollars.

MEG

Are you crazy?! Mom -- tell dad not to

gamble with all fifteen million

dollars.

LOIS

Meg, honey. You just don't understand

how all this Japanese messenger

gambling stuff works. It would be

dishonorable for us to show up with

less than fifteen million dollars.

CHRIS

That makes sense.

EXT. STREET - DAY
Brian and Stewie are walking.
 27.

STEWIE

Alright. My career plan is moving

along nicely.
BRIAN

Career plan?
STEWIE

Step one: attend a stand up comedy

show. Step two: perform stand up

comedy at a local venue. Step three:

perform stand up comedy on national

television.
BRIAN

I think you left out a few hundred

steps.
STEWIE

Do you think I should use my real

voice on stage? Maybe I should act

like a Puerto Rican guy, or a redneck.

BRIAN

You're gonna be a redneck comedian?

STEWIE

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) You better

believe it, buddy. I'm Stewie the

Cable Guy. I drive a pick up truck,

and I have sex with my cousin.

He takes some tobacco out of his pocket, chews it, and spits.
He then spits out the tobacco.
 28.

STEWIE (CONT’D)

Ugh. Forget the redneck idea. You know

what? I'll be a Cuban guy -- like that

Tony Montana character the cool kids

are so fond of. (IN CUBAN ACCENT) I'm

Stewie Montana. Listen, man. What's

the deal with yayo?

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
A SECURITY GUARD opens the door to reveal Lois, and Peter
rolling two shipping carts full of hundred dollar bills.
Mayor West is standing behind the Security Guard.
MAYOR WEST

Peter. Lois. Come on in. Let me

introduce you to the guys. The highest

stakes celebrity poker players in the

world.
The camera changes angles to reveal everyone seated at the
table.
MAYOR WEST (CONT’D)

Matt Damon, Dr. Phil, and Daryl Hall

of the musical group Hall & Oates.
PETER

(TO DARYL HALL) Where's Oates?

DARYL HALL

How the hell should I know? We're not

lovers or anything. I'm straight. You

hear me? Straight! ... So, uh -- do

you want to hang out at my apartment

later? I have a hot tub.

 29.

PETER

Well. I'll have to bring my ex-wife

Lois with me.

DARYL HALL

Oh. Well then, forget it.

MAYOR WEST

(TO PETER AND LOIS) Alright, Peter and

Lois. Let's see how good you really

are.
Close up on Dr. Phil's watch. It says 3:00. Cut to it saying
3:30.
Peter and Lois are involved in a hand with Dr. Phil. Many
bricks of hundred dollars pills are in the pot, and stacked
up very high.
PETER

(TO DR. PHIL, IN A SERIOUS TONE) Go

Fish.
LOIS

Peter. There's no Go Fish in poker.

PETER
Well. In that case....
Peter pushes a high tower of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
PETER (CONT’D)

(TO DR. PHIL) I bet four million

dollars.
DR. PHIL

You know, in Texas, we have a saying.

He pushes three high towers of hundred dollar bill bricks
forward.
 30.

DR. PHIL (CONT’D)

I raise to twelve million dollars, you

fat bastard.

PETER

I raise.
Peter puts Lois on the table. He pushes her and many stacks
of bills forward.
PETER (CONT’D)

Thirty million dollars and my ex-wife

Lois.

DR. PHIL

Wow, Peter. I gotta say. That ex-wife

of yours is one tasty dish.

LOIS

(TO PETER) Damn it, Peter! Stop

betting me!

PETER

(TO DR. PHIL) What's it gonna be,

Doctor?
DR. PHIL

You, my friend, are a tough customer.

I fold.

He throws his cards into the muck.

Close up on Dr. Phil's watch. It says 3:30. Cut to it saying
4:00.
The board is Jh, Js, 3h, 4h, 5d. Peter & Lois are in a hand
with Matt Damon, and there's already a lot of money in the
pot.
 31.

MATT DAMON

Okay, Peter and Lois. You want to play

high stakes poker? Here you go.

He pushes four stacks forward, each of which is high enough
to reach the ceiling.
MATT DAMON (CONT’D)

I raise to a hundred million dollars.

I'm Matt Damon. I'm a fantastic actor.

PETER

Go Fish.

LOIS

(TO MATT DAMON) What he means is, we

call.
Mayor West and Peter both turn over their hands: Jd 5h, and
Jc 5c. Old west showdown music plays in the background.
Everyone gets up and hides behind a table, except for Peter,
Lois, and Matt Damon.
PETER

What the hell just happened?

MAYOR WEST
You both have Jacks full of fives.
PETER

What does that mean?

DARYL HALL

That means you have to fight to the

death.
LOIS

Why?
 32.

DR. PHIL

Them's poker rules.

PETER

What?!
DR. PHIL

Hey. We don't make the rules here,

buddy. If them's poker rules, them's

poker rules.
DARYL HALL

Yeah. The last time this happened,

Matt Damon fought and killed Ben

Affleck.
LOIS

But Ben Affleck is still alive.

MAYOR WEST

No he isn't. He was replaced by a

lookalike named Ed Smith.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK SCENE)
ED SMITH (a Ben Affleck lookalike) is with JENNIFER GARNER,
and talking to a MAITRE' D.
ED SMITH

Reservation for Ed Smith -- I mean,

um, Ben Alfalfa.

JENNIFER GARNER

Ben Affleck. Your name is Ben Affleck.

ED SMITH

Whatever. When are we gonna have sex

again, Jessica Garvey?

 33.

JENNIFER GARNER

I'm Jennifer Garner. That's the 973rd

time you've gotten my name wrong. I

want a divorce.
INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES. Brian is
standing in the back of the room.
STEWIE

And what exactly is the deal with

breakfast cereal?

BABY

It tastes good.

STEWIE

Yes. That's true. But, um, I know

someone named Brian, and he mixes

regular Cheerios with Honey Nut

Cheerios. What's the deal with that? I

mean, who the hell feels the need to

dilute the Honey Nut-ness of Honey Nut

Cheerios?

The Babies laugh.

STEWIE (CONT’D)

(IMITATING BRIAN) "I'm Brian, and I

can't handle a standard level of Honey

Nut-ness! That's why every morning, I

mix two different varieties of

Cheerios!" Just pick one, Brian!

(MORE)
 34.
STEWIE (CONT’D)

Either have Cheerios, or have Honey

Nut Cheerios.

BABY

Exactly, Brian.

BRIAN

I just want a breakfast with a

moderate amount of sugar and fat.

STEWIE
Then go get a box of Cinnamon Toast

Crunch! (TO AUDIENCE) Speaking of

breakfast, how come eggs turn toast

into French toast? Does that work with

other stuff? I mean, do eggs turn

Hillary Clinton's vagina into Hillary

Clinton's French vagina? And what

about this President Trump guy? He's a

right wing douchebag. Unlike Brian,

who's a left wing douchebag.
BABY 2

Political humor. I love it.

STEWIE

And what exactly is the deal with

juice? Black people don't drink it

that often.
EXT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY
Brian and Stewie are standing outside of the day care center.
 35.

STEWIE

Alright. That was a good set.

BRIAN

You freaking ripped off Jerry Seinfeld

and that other comedian.

STEWIE

What are you talking about? Seinfeld

is Jewish, and that other guy is

black. I'm neither of those things.

Plus, my jokes are way different.

BRIAN

How are they different? Because now

the French vagina is Hillary

Clinton's?

STEWIE

Yes. Anyways, we got to get going. I

booked another gig. By the way -- what

do you think sounds funnier?

Grapefruit juice or mango juice? They

both sound funny. Which one sounds

funnier? Listen, Brian. Grapefruit

juice. Mango juice. Grapefruit juice.

Mango juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango

juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.

Which one sounds funnier? Grapefruit

juice. Mango juice. Grapefruit juice.

(MORE)
 36.
STEWIE (CONT'D)

Mango juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango

juice. Grapefruit juice. Mango juice.

END OF ACT TWO

 37.

ACT THREE

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT

Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are knitting sweaters.
The doorbell rings, and Quagmire opens it to reveal Peter and
Lois. Peter holds up a pepper shaker.
PETER

Hey, Quagmire. We just dropped by to

return this pepper shaker I stole from

you.

QUAGMIRE

You stole it?

PETER

Yeah. Right after you said that the

Austro-Hungarian empire was a mediocre

empire. Which is ridiculous! The

Austro-Hungarian empire was a slightly

better than average empire! Slightly

better than average!

QUAGMIRE

Fine. Okay. I know how sensitive you

get when it comes to empires that you

know absolutely nothing about.

PETER

Yeah. Well. Just make sure you don't

say nothing bad about the Holy Roman

Empire. After all, I don't know

anything about that empire.

 38.

QUAGMIRE

Alright. Do you guys want to come in?

PETER

Sure.
They walk in.
CLEVELAND

So. What happened at Mayor West's

room? Word on the street is you played

in a high stakes celebrity poker game.
LOIS

Word on the street?

CLEVELAND

Yeah. You know. Like, that's the news

I heard from people.

LOIS

What people?
CLEVELAND

Well. Joe and Quagmire.

PETER

Let me tell you something, Cleveland.

If a black pimp named Huggy Bear says

something, then that qualifies as the

word on the street. As for two

hooligans known as Joe and Quagmire,

they're not the word on the street.

 39.

CLEVELAND

Whatever! So, what happened in Mayor

West's room?

PETER

We drank grapefruit juice.

LOIS

Also, me and Peter turned our fifteen

million dollars into a hundred and

fifty million dollars. And then there

was a three hundred million dollar pot

where we had Jacks full of fives, and

Matt Damon also had jacks full of

fives. So, uh, Peter killed Matt

Damon.

PETER

(TO JOE) You're not gonna arrest me,

are you?
JOE
Of course not. I mean, you both had

Jacks full of five. You had to kill

him.
CLEVELAND

Yeah. Them's poker rules.

QUAGMIRE

(TO PETER AND LOIS) So you won three

hundred million dollars?

 40.

PETER

Even better. We took the money to the

casino, and bet it all on red thirty

six.
JOE

Do you mean to tell me you turned your

three hundred million dollars into...

He types on his iPhone.
JOE (CONT’D)

...ten point five billion dollars?

PETER

No. We lost. But I had a really good

time watching that ball spin round and

round. Oh -- and then later, I watched

the Three Stooges, and Moe slapped

Larry. Ha ha ha ha! Let's watch the

Three Stooges.
Peter turns on the TV.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON

My first guest just won the World

Championship of Poker. Give it up for

Glenn Quagmire.
Quagmire walks onto the stage.
 41.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT

PETER

Wait a second. If that's the real

Quagmire...
Peter points a gun at Quagmire's head
PETER (CONT’D)

...then you must be Quaid.

QUAGMIRE

Peter -- I'm the real Quagmire.

PETER

Oh.
Peter points a gun at the Quagmire on TV.
PETER (CONT’D)

Then he's Quaid.

QUAGMIRE

We're both the real Quagmire. I was

there earlier today. The Tonight Show

is filmed five hours before it airs.

(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON

So Glenn. You won the World Series of

Poker. That is so awesome!

QUAGMIRE

Yeah. It's pretty awesome.

JIMMY FALLON

And you're also a sex addict. That's

awesome!
 42.

QUAGMIRE

I guess so.
Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few second, and then he
punches Quagmire in the face.
JIMMY FALLON

(TO CAMERA) My next two guests were

both thought to be dead -- but it

turns out that they're not. Give it up

for Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT

PETER

Boooring. I'm changing the channel.

Peter changes the channel.
(ON TV) INT. JIMMY FALLON LIVE SET - NIGHT
Jimmy Fallon is seated at his desk.
JIMMY FALLON

Welcome back to Jimmy Fallon Live --

the show where I, Jimmy Fallon,

broadcast live, and go head to head

with The Tonight Show starring Jimmy

Fallon -- the show where I, Jimmy

Fallon broadcast on a five hour delay,

and go head to head with this show,

Jimmy Fallon Live. No matter which

show people watch, Jimmy Fallon wins!

Okay. My next guest is one of the

greatest actors ever. Give it up for

Matt Damon.
 43.

An ostrich walks out to the stage, gives Jimmy Fallon a

handshake and hug, and then sits down.
INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT
PETER

There's the replacement we found for

Matt Damon.
QUAGMIRE

Peter -- that's an ostrich.

(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
JIMMY FALLON

Matt -- we're so happy to have you on

the show. This is so awesome. Matt

Damon!

OSTRICH

Eeeeaaah!
The Ostrich lays an egg.
JIMMY FALLON

You just laid an egg! That is so great

that you just laid an egg, Matt Damon.

(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) (TO CAMERA) Okay.

My next guest is a really, really

funny comedian. Give it up for the

really, really funny, Stewie Griffin.

Stewie walks on to the part of stage where stand up comedians
perform.
STEWIE

Mango juice.
The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at his
desk) starts laughing hysterically.
 44.

JIMMY FALLON

I'm not sure what that baby said --

but it sounded hilarious. He has a

British accent.
STEWIE

Have you ever been eating breakfast

and thought, "This is the most

important and confusing meal of the

day?"
JIMMY FALLON

(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) He's a baby with a

British accent! I love it!

STEWIE

I mean, sometimes you want grapes and

nuts -- and then you open a box that

says Grape-Nuts. And there are no

grapes in it.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT’D)

Or nuts.
The audience laughs much harder.
STEWIE (CONT’D)

What's next? Are they gonna put

Hillary Clinton's vagina in a box, and

call it Strawberry Seeds?

The audience laughs again.
 45.

INT. QUAGMIRE'S HOME - NIGHT

Peter, Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, and Lois are still watching
the show, along with BILL CLINTON, who's laughing hard and
standing next to BORIS YELTSIN.
(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT
STEWIE

And what's with those douchebags who

mix regular Cheerios with Honey Nut

Cheerios? Here's my impersonation of

them. (IMITATES BRIAN) "I'm Brian

Griffin, and I can't handle the Honey

Nut concentration of Honey Nut

Cheerios. So I dilute the Honey Nut-

ness, by adding regular Cheerios. I'm

Brian Griffin."

JIMMY FALLON

(LAUGHS AND CLAPS) Brian Griffin can't

handle the Honey Nut-ness!

STEWIE
And what exactly is the deal with

lunch? I mean, you order a hamburger

and French fries -- and you get no

ham.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT’D)

And nothing French.

The audience laughs.

 46.

STEWIE (CONT’D)

Vagina.
The audience laughs.
STEWIE (CONT’D)

Do black people even drink juice?

More laughter.
JIMMY FALLON

(TO CAMERA) Okay. My next guest was

the star of the hit sitcom Seinfeld.

Ladies and gentleman, give it up for

Jerry Seinfeld.
JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out of
him. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.
JIMMY FALLON (CONT’D)

Wow. You just beat the crap out of

him. (LAUGHS AND CLAPS)

JERRY SEINFELD

Let me just say this, Jimmy. Dinner is

a very important meal, and a very

confusing meal. I mean, how come when

you mix eggs with chicken, the dish

becomes Dutch chicken? What if you're

on a date, you both order Dutch

chicken, and then you split the bill?

Does that mean you're going dutch on

Dutch chicken? And what if your date

is a Dutch woman, and the two of you

split the bill on her vagina?

(MORE)
 47.
JERRY SEINFELD (CONT'D)

Does that mean you're going dutch on

her Dutch vagina? And why does her

vagina have a bill? Is she a Dutch

prostitute?

THE END