Relationships
The Need for Relationships
• Extremely happy people (Diener & Seligman,
2002)
• Know thyself
– Lasagna principle revisited
– Extraversion and introversion (Little, 1993)
• Intimate relationships
“There are few stronger predictors of happiness than a
close, nurturing, equitable, intimate, lifelong
companionship with one’s best friend.”
David Myers
State of Affairs
• Divorce rates
• Failure to sustain love
• Novelty produces heightened arousal
(Mook, 1987)
Who is the fairest of them all?
Fiction Versus Reality
• Does true love (really) exist?
Fiction Versus Reality
• Does true love (really) exist?
“Perfect love is rare indeed—for to be a lover will
require that you continually have the subtlety of the very
wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the
artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the
acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and
the fortitude of the certain.”
Leo Buscaglia
• Perfect love does not exist…
• True love does exist…
Reframing Questions:
The Case of Relationships
• Traditional psychology
– “Why do so many long-term relationships fail?”
• Positive psychology
– “What makes some relationships thrive and grow
stronger over time?”
Learning from What Works
“At first, when I figured out how to predict divorce, I
thought I had found the key to saving marriages... But
like so many experts before me, I was wrong. I was not
able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started
to analyze what went right in happy marriages.”
John Gottman
“Cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated.”
David Schnarch
Growing Tip Statistics
1. Working hard
2. Striving to be known rather than validated
3. Allowing for conflict
4. Appreciating the positive
•
1. Working Hard
Cultivating versus Finding
• Movies end where love begins
• Living happily ever is the difficult part
• The “one right person” theory
• Cultivating the “one chosen” relationship
Being Together By Doing Together
• Superordinate goal (Sherif, 1958)
• Mutually meaningful goals
“In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a
deep sense of meaning. They don’t just ‘get along’—
they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations
and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.”
John Gottman
• Active love
• Relationship rituals
2. Being Known Rather than Validated
• Intimacy as key to long-term passion
• Open up, share, reveal
• Express, not impress
• Also get to know your partner (love maps)
Being Known Rather than Validated
“Intimacy is about letting yourself really be known,
including parts that you or your partner don't like. But
it's not just about letting "warts" be known. It often
involves showing strengths you've been hiding, too.
Most approaches focus on getting your partner's
validation and acceptance when you disclose. But you
can't count on this, and if you try, it inherently limits self-
disclosure because you won't say things your partner
won't validate. Resolving gridlock requires intimacy
based on validating yourself.
Schnarch (1997)
3. Allowing for Conflict
• No one right relationship (Gottman, 2000)
• 5:1 positivity ratio
• Conflict immunizes
• Accentuate positive; don’t eliminate negative
Love Boosters
• Love is in the details
• Mini love boosters
– “60-second pleasure points” (Fraenkl, 2007)
• Extraordinary by focusing on ordinary
• Demonstrate interest
• Show affection (touch, smile, flowers…)
• Pay compliments
“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
Mark Twain
• Demonstrate empathy
• Make love
Positive Conflict
• Affective rather than cognitive conflict
• Challenging behavior, not person
– P: “You are so inconsiderate”
– B: “Do you mind putting down the toilet seat when you’re done?”
– P: “You are such a slob; you promised to throw away the garbage ; I can’t trust you.”
– B: “It upsets me to return to a dirty home, after we agreed that you would throw away the garbage.”
Positive Conflict
• Affective rather than cognitive conflict
• Challenging behavior, not person
• Avoiding hostility, insults, contempt
• Keeping disputes private
• Conflict in gay couples (Gottman, 2001)
– More positive, using humor and affection
– Not taking negativity personally
– Calm down and soothe one another
The Titanium Rule
“Do not do unto those close to you what you
would not have done unto others (who’re not so
close to you).”
Deep Friendship
“At the heart of my program is the simple truth that
happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By
this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each
other’s company. These couples tend to know each
other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s
likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.
They have an abiding regard for each other and express
this fondness not just in the big ways, but in little ways
day in and day out.”
John Gottman
4. Positive Perception
• Benefit finding (appreciating)
• Positive illusions (Murray, 1997)
• A self-fulfilling prophecy (benefit creating)
“Not only does love perceive potentialities but it also
actualizes them.”
Abraham Maslow
Refocusing on the Positive
What am I grateful for in my partner?
What is wonderful about our relationship?
Communicating about Positive Events
(Gable et al., 2006)
• Responding to positive-event-disclosures
• Active constructive responding
Communicating about Positive Events
(Gable et al., 2006)
• Responding to positive-event-disclosures
• Active constructive responding
– Win-win events
– Genuine responding
– Generating upward spirals (promoting positive)
– Building positive capacity (dealing with negative)
Bibliography and Recommendations
• Bem, D. J. (1996). Exotic Becomes Erotic: A Developmental
Theory of Sexual Orientation. Psychological Review, 103 (2), 320-
335)
• Branden, N. (1985). The Psychology of Romantic Love. Bantam
• Fraley, R. C. & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult Romantic Attachment:
Theoretical Developments, Emerging Controversies, and
Unanswered Questions. Review of General Psychology, 4 (2), 132-
154.
• Gottman, J. M. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship
Expert. Three Rivers Press.
• Murray, S. L., & Holmes, J. G. (1997). A leap of faith? Positive
illusions in romantic relationships. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, 23, 586-604.
• Schnarch, D. (1998). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and
Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships. Owl Books.
• Sternberg, R. J. & Barnes, M. L. (1989). The Psychology of Love.
Yale University Press.
