Jokes
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TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR ACCOUNTANT IS NUTS – © DAVID LETTERMAN
10. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million dollars.”
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry – that’s a sign he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call “Una-countant.”
1. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ……….
You Might Be An Accountant If...
*You refer to your child as Deduction 214
*You deduct Ex-lax as "moving expenses"
*You have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store
*Getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long
*Your idea of thrashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card
*You are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year
*You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline
Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS.”
Q: Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: “No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, that wouldn’t be tax deductible. But I like your thinking.”
A doctor, a tax lawyer, a little boy and a rabbi were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. The pilot grabbed a parachute and then he yelled to the passengers that they had better bail out and jump. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one parachute and said, “I am a doctor, I save lives so I must live.” The doctor then jumped out of the plane leaving two remaining parachutes for three people left on the plane. The tax lawyer grabbed a parachute and said, “I am the smartest man in the world and I save people money so I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped leaving one remaining parachute for the little boy and the rabbi.
The rabbi looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute to the rabbi and said, “Do not worry, rabbi! The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack.”
An estate and trust lawyer was reading the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: “To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times as well as good, I leave the house and two million dollars.” The lawyer continued, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and one million dollars.” The lawyer concluded, “And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought that I would never mention him in my will, well, you are wrong. “Hi, Dan!”
Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A CEO was interviewing job applicants for the lead role in a financial division of a large company. He knew he needed to devise a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He asked each applicant this question, “What is two plus two?” The first interviewee was a government auditor. His answer was “Twenty-two.” He then asked the second interviewee who happened to have an engineering background. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with the answer, “Somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001.” The next interview was an attorney who stated, “In the case of Jenkins vs IRS, two plus two was proven to be four.” Finally, the businessman interviewed a tax accountant and he asked him for the answer to two plus two. The accountant go up from his chair, walked over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down next to him. The tax accountant leaned across the desk and said, “How much do you want it to be?”
A clerk walks into the boss’ office and says, “The auditors have just left, sir.” The boss then asks the clerk, “Have they finished checking the books?” “Very thoroughly,” the clerk replied. “Well, what did they say?” said the boss. The clerk replied, “They want 15% to keep quiet.”
“The U. S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified but it was difficult to tell.” – Craig Ferguson
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the best man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”
What’s the difference between death and taxes? Congress does not meet every year to make death worse.
“The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin." – Mark Twain
“65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” – Jay Leno
A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint. “Give me all your money,” he says. The muggee is indignant and yells at the mugger, “You cannot do this because I am an IRS Agent.” “In that case,” says the mugger, “give me all MY money!”
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.” Anonymous
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
“Oh No!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”
A tax accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping Mai Tai’s. The lawyer started telling the tax accountant how he came to be in Hawaii. The lawyer said, “I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off I moved here.” The tax accountant said, “I had a downtown property in Miami that got flooded and I moved here with the insurance proceeds.” The lawyer took another sip of his Mai Tai and then asked in a low voice, “How do you start a flood?”
Regis Philbin is back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” But because of the President’s new tax plan, it has been re-titled to “Who Wants to Win Just Under $250,000.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, do not list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure that you file on time. Number three, do not make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.” – Jay Leno
When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.” – Jimmy Kimmel
The accountant read the story of Cinderella to his 4 year old. Daughter. The little firl was fascinated by the tale, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
“Daddy,” she asked. “When the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long term capital gain ?”
“I’m proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could just as proud for half the money” Arthur Godfrey
The client went to the tax preparer and said, “I filed my taxes electronically to speed things up and it worked. I got an audit letter in half the normal time.”
Q: What did the accountant’s wife say when she couldn’t fall asleep?
A: “Darling, tell me about your work.”
Q: Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant?
A: No? Us either.
Q: Why do Sharks NOT attack tax auditors ?
A: Professional Courtesy
Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q:What’s the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.
Q:How many accounts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many did it take last year?
Q: Why do accountants become accountants?
A: Because they fail the personality test to become a mortician.
Q:What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he’s boring.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
A: Depreciation
Q: Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks ?
A: Because on the box it said 8-12 years.