1. |
Yampa Valley Curse
03:44
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On Saturday, you packed the car. You were ready to be gone, convinced this place isn't good for you or for me. You said it's hard to live here and it hurts to keep hearing this. I've been losing friends over the years, but this feels like an exodus. So I'm trying to make the best of it in the best place on earth, because I chose to make my life here and it makes me feel cursed. I stood atop the mountain looking down. As the sun set low, night falls upon the town. And every frosted tree and shifting cloud were glowing in the last of day. Describing my commitment to a place like people tie a knot or wear a ring, but now I might hear the denial in my voice if I'm really listening. You said it's hard to live here and it hurts to keep hearing this. I've been losing friends over the years, but this feels like an exodus. So I'm trying to make the best of it in the best place on earth, because I chose to make my life here and it makes me feel cursed. I know that home is people, not a place; so when they leave, what do I have left? A hollow valley, walls holding me in, as I find out a place can't love you back. Mighty Yampa, river of my heart, I promised to love you but it might not be enough.
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2. |
So Close
03:25
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Woke from dreaming on a summer morning to the thinnest veil between reality and possibility. And all that mattered was the perfect day before me and I couldn't wait to be in it. And it felt so good, I hated it, because I knew it would go away. So close to the inside of my head, I can reach in and touch. Run my hands down the inside of the walls I built to keep me from myself. And it felt so good, I hated it, because I knew it would go away. For that first half hour of the day, I haven't made a single mistake. I've never been hurt, never caused someone pain. I exist outside of time and anything is possible. And it felt so good, I hated it, because I knew it would go away.
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3. |
Safe
03:28
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Curtains open, windows closed. I used to spend more time outdoors, but the town outside is full of eyes perceiving me all wrong. I'll blame the weather, but it's really that I'm still afraid. I don't feel safe in the world they made when I step out the door. No one around to tell me who they thought I was supposed to be. Won't defend my place in a space when I'm alone. So the trees greet me with apathy, which isn't much for a human being, but in the woods it sets you free. I used to be a wild thing, now I've sort of lost the taste. I've had my fill of solitude, please take away my plate. Now I can't help remembering another time when I could be surrounded by someones like me and feeling safe. Someone around to tell me I'm doing fine, just being me. So great to share this space, never alone. When the trees greet us with apathy, it's just enough for human beings, and in the woods it set us free. When the trees greet me with apathy it isn't much for a human being, but in the woods it sets you free. But I can't stand it anymore, it doesn't feel good to be. The animal in me became an island in the void. Will you hold me in your arms? If not your arms, your understanding. But if you don't understand, then I will settle for accepting. Now that doesn't sound so bad, but if it's still too much to ask, just don't look at me like that and leave me be.
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4. |
Blister Skin
02:52
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"So that's me." The words hang, detached, bouncing off the ceiling, too volatile to settle on the floor. I peeled the blister skin and it hurts to touch, it hurts to be. Here it is, the thing I am beneath: what I wanted you to know, but didn't ever want to say. Insides on the outside, now my eyes are on the ground. I'm inside-out. Compress me and turn me into sound. What if I told you, what if you told me. Does it get easier with time? Will it be easier the next time? I know better than to ask. I've never felt so heavy and so light now that you know me.
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5. |
Almost Ready
04:33
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Now that I've shed my skin, made a plan to change my life. I've only done the easy parts so far, but it's a start. Trying to see myself without a mirror and their hands over my eyes. No instruction sheet to read for assembling my life. No one told me it was going to be this hard. Had I been warned, would it have mattered? To know exactly who I am before opening the door, nothing less than emerging fully formed. But what about the process? What if it never ends? Can't you see I've never changed, grown but always been the same. Inching ever closer, bursting at the seams. The false template that was sewn for me. Cut off at the base, can I grow back new? The used-to and the will-be, all bent and strange and true. Could it be that I was in here all along, and it was okay? A lot to unlearn and a lot to forget, but a lot to remember to put myself back to the way I once thought I could be. And I'm almost ready.
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Ace of Parts Colorado
Ace of Parts is Izzy Padilla, a professional woodsperson and amateur multi-instrumentalist based in Denver.
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