welcome to the blog. my mind is here. posts are from least recent to most recent. no fancy buissness.
19/03/24 - There it is! v6 baby! I whiped out this bad boy in only like two days??? it looks really cool i think :3 anyways, everything has been fairly well, i've managed to setup my laptop charger in class in such a way for which i can use it from a desk indefinetly, also, that one classmate who keeps his hotspot always on is quite handy to have around. i should probably be studying now, because, i'm, in class... so yea, i've gotten my hands on a mini usb cable so i can finally transfer photos from my moms 2000' camera (that i made mine) to my pc, might post a couple pics because they look pretty cool :3 i've also gotten a new led strip, it was dirt cheap but it works lmao. okii i gtg now, meow meow
25/03/24 - Lately i've been following this youtuber called okayxairen and like she's so good, she got popular making videos about random websites so her fanbase it's now just a bunch of nerds ahah, i've been kinda active on her discord server, honestly it's quite fun because we play gartic all the time and there are SO MANY nine eleven jokes, it's really good. well that's all ig,, there's not that many things going on lol. so yeah take care everybody :3 meowmoew
19/04/24 - oops a month passed, happens. past couple weeks i've finally switched to android, winning a pixel 6 for 160€ at an ebay auction. i've been going well, i got revanced youtube and xManager spotify working quite well !! othen than that i've had a cold the past week, it kinda sucked. ive been playing the drums as always,, kinda losing interest in IT a bit..??? oh well, imma play minecraft now,, meow :3
29/04/24 - realized that it wansn't a fauly cable but simple the fact that i was plugging it in my front IO that was making exporting photos from my camera a nightmere, with that sorted out i added more pics to the homepage, also made a way to enlarge images to see them better. yesterday i played resonite, honestly it was incredible, that place is insane. i might be starting a DnD camnpain with a friend.. idk, im kinda tired rn? stay cute sillyheads..
23/05/24 - I'm still here. lately i've been messing around blender a little bit, that's what the little computer animation on the home screen is about. been also messing around with thunderbird for email and voicemeter banana for audio because why not lmao. my personal life has been going fine, even tho there have been some unfortunate news, and my aunt is has been very ill for a couple weeks but she'll probably be fine. today is a thursday and last saturday i joined the local encampment for palestine that formed in my city, i knew the org that orged it so it's been fun, i've slept there three time in the past five days, it's been quite the experience because even tho i have camped before i'm much more on my own here. first two night i had some friends with me but yesterday i was left with only the people of the camp, which are much older then me but it was still pretty cool. we have to guard the gate at night, so me and two other girls had the 2am to 6am shift of guard, but we also had to wake up at around 8am so i am kinda tired rn, i took some pics too, but i'll add them once it's all over as i might take some more. i really need a hug lmao. alright,,, meow meow everyone, ily -abby [LATER IN DAY] this is not right you know? like, there is something very fucking wrong here. i feel so scared of growing up. and not like "oh i'll have to move and live by myself, my life with change", insead i feel like the time i'm living right now, this 17 year old life, is only a bit really mine, i just can't be a girl to most people, and i've been putting up with this bullshit for so long and if i continue to do so i'll grow missing this age, maybe i just need to try a bit harder and hang out with the right people more but it's weird, i think im kinda giving up especislly in the last couple days i've been barely doing makeup and it feels BAD, not like bad bad but a kind of dread for which i dont know how to react, i have no idea how i feel i just know that time is passing and i'm here with my low ass voice not able to stand up for my self and my identity doing the things i want to do without feeling like the right person the whole time. i'll probably end up looking like shit, like another trans girl that you can tell is a trans girl, and i see no real solution to this, quite literally i have no idea i mean i could get face surgery one day i could get laster beard removal and get a better haircut but will it fucking work? i just want to be a girl and live the life of all the other girls that i see every day, people like me, or to be presice people i would people i would like me to be. and i just want to cry in the arms of my friends without a fucking care in the world but my body will not fucking let me, because i'm 5'11 and my face is ugly and i cannot see how people will like me i just hope one day someone will, because the last person that *did* like me, that did accept me being 5'11 and having an ugly faced turned out to not like me at all. most of the love i felt in the past year for my true self was fake apparently? i mean i can't know. i can't know....... ... ... i just wanted to be a girl, to be treated like all the other girls my age to grow up experienceing what they experienced and to feel weak for once, cause i can't seem to let myself do that, and it sucks. i love you all, i love everyone who believes in me and regardless, I Will Forever. goodbye loves. -abby
16/06/24 - i dont feel like a month passed really. but it did. kinda. today i left the encampment, as in i brought all my stuff home exept my tent and some other things, but i will be staying there no longer during the night. wow. like, all of that happened, all those things i did (mainly smoking weed but that's a different story) and i still feel,,, incomplete, yearning. yearning for a sense of peace, for the day in which i will wake up and look at myself in the mirror without wanting to smash it. this sounds very cliche and it kinda is, i dont need a mirror to remind myself of how i look. gosh i sure do wonder if there is any specific reason im missing love and gender affirmation right now /s. maybe i just need to get out of the encampment mindset, to really return home, but do i want to? i loved it there. but im tired and my family is putting pressure on me not to stay (they're amazing but understandably it has been a month of me being on and off there so). idk what i need. probably someone who understands me and loves me for who i am. but after all, who doesn't need that? i just see most of my friends in happy relationships im starting to think that maybe im the problem. maybe it's not just a matter of time. maybe i just my gender affirmed somehow? who the fuck am i kidding. i know so well what im missing, who im missing. it's so annoyingly simple. . . . . i dont want to be myself anymore, i dont want to be anything.. i've actually been doing some research on theriantropy, i guess im looking into it, i also found this and it gives me much joy. . . . . . i want to be a ghost in a computer, no gender, no body, digital love.
21/06/24 - summer is in full swing, again, and i am kinda tired, i visit the encamp sometimes but im no longer staying there so,, but i would like to just do nothing and rest, sadly, for some fucking weird reasond i decided to enroll in an english course at my school, so im gonna have to go there 9 thru 14 every day for two weeks... to cope i've installed the i3 window manager !!! i also reinstalled arch (endeavour) bc i had some weird partitioning quirks so i've spend the last 12 hours of my life messing around with my laptop, it's been fun. considering that my original kde plasma setup looked more like i3 then anything i might as well just use i3. so yeah it runs much faster then plasma lmao. im a bit disrupt by some circumstancesn as well, im not doing bad but it could be better ig,, im tired and i feel weird??? idk really it's like a state i've been in before, of just, no vibes, not necesseraly dull but uninspired, maybe i just need to fix up my room and tidy myself up or smth, who knows. i need to go to camp because i have some of their batteries so that's kinda annoying cause i dont really feel like shaving, and i wish i could just rest rn lol, anyways enough rambling, yknow what, i thinki might be genderfluid, like, i want to be a girl ywah but sometimes i just get disinterested in gender (or maybe i dont want the weight of transitioning and passing) but like, mmmm who knows im tired lol, byeeee abby out
23/07/24 - it's so hot. the weather i mean, it's realy fucking hot. but regardless the computers have aided me during this summer yet again, as my habit of playing tf2 while watching youtube videos comes back into my daily life. right now though im away from home, im in puglia, camping with the politics org. im part of, the inside of the tent is indeed, hot. its fun here, i mean, im still out camping with friends and other cool peeps so. tomorrow im gonna have to attend some meetings and stuff, i guess it's gonna be interesting? internet doesn't really work that well here but if im writing this it means it's working well enough. i feel so sliggish rn, i should really shower. the inside of the tent is confortable, it's not the tend i used at the encampent (btw, it ended at around 60 days), its a bigger one, and it's HOT in here!! getting from my home region of abruzzo to this random ass place in puglia was a trip for sure, especially considerting the immense ammount of stuff i was carrying with me. staying in the tent for too long isn't the best of ideas right now because it's way too hot so, take care everyone!! much love, abby out
18/09/24 - sorry for the lack of updates, the temperatures are very pleasent now, and the rainy weather is much appretiated, nevertheless, i still wish i was born a girl. with that said, i made a shire to an artist i like, go check it out it's linked in the home page, it's my first time making a shirine so i hope it's not too bad ahah. august and september have gone by so fast... i went 2 weeks out to camp with uds so that was really fun, including the ridiculous amount of weed there was aveilable. so yeah, wild summer for me! but now, im back to my silly little room. i'm still doing poilitics stuff, now more then ever since i have a coordinatorial position in my city, so im gonna have to put in some effort, not that i dont want to, but im not the type of person to put effort into things. i bought a whiteboard and it costed me 40 fucking euros, ffs, but it's pretty big and uhh white, so i'll try to make it useful somehow. cant wait for november, im turning 18 and im probably getting a considerable amount of money which means a considerable amount of computer upgrades and stuff to reduce my body hair (looky here, a trans woman doing computer and hair removal, how original /s). good luck on all your travels, hypotetical person reading this, see you in the void
22/10/24 - im tired. today i retured home after 2 weeks in malta, it was a school trip of sorts, a lot of stuff happened there, even, important stuff, right now i feel a bit different, calm even, im not going to school tomorrow since i dont really feel like it. malta is nice, and i suggest you visit it as well, but right now that's the last thing i want to think about. i need to return to myself, i want to feel like a girl again, i need to. in less then a year i'll be leaving my hometown, that's something i am looking forward to, the thing is that i dont really like my school, like, at all. it's mostly boys and there's only one other girl in my class, and, despite my classmates calling me abby and everything, i feel like i'm to then im still a guy, that's also because i dont really act girly per say, i want to, but i feel constrained in a way, it's a feedback loop isn't it? im tired of being trans i jujst want to be a girl that's it. im scared. i can't keep this up forever. love you all, goodnight -abigail
06/11/24 - isn't it crazy? isn't it crazy how hard it is know your mind? i went to my mountain house place for a couple days for halloween, it was fun, but i got some kind of neck thing that makes it hurt like crazy i if move it in cerain ways so i had to skip two days of school.
06/12/24 - hi, im 18 now, so that happened. i got some money, i've already spent it on a new psu and gpu aaaand a silly tablet it's a lenovo m11 i got for 150 bucks on ebay and to be honest it's quite nice! i hooked up rustdesk and cover with a bluetooth keyboard that honestly doesnt suck too bad. its a weird time for me right now, i feel fine in a way? but not really? in a nutshell everything is the same, i just got some new tech a some new politics stuff to work on, something sad happened tho, my schools current complex is full, has been for a while, so they're sending my class to a different place, which would be fine if not for the fact that i meet up with all my friends who go to the school next to mine every day... im gonna miss them, this was the first year something like this was possible too, but i guess luck is not on my side right now. as for the rest i've actually came out to my dad for real, kinda, my therapist did but it still counts ig, so that's fun, he's really cool and supportive im lucky to have him around,, anyways, i have a stupid cold right and i need to go take care :3
20/04/25 - im so scared.i dont want to feel nomral because that is not me. i feel like i have to fight for control. what is happening? i dont want to play a character. i don't want to be normal.
18/06/25 - sorry for the lack of updates,, this winter/spring has been not the best of times for me, but recently i've been ok, good even! tomorrow (or more accurately, in 7.5 hours) i'll be taking my high school final exam!! or at least the first of three parts... i barely feel real right now :3 i guess im just really scared for what comes next... my parents say that i'll probably fail as an adult, which, typing it out, sounds really mean... but they're not mean... so im scared they might be right... june 25' will be a month to remember for sure, deltarune realeased, im doing my exams and another thing that happened but i dont know it makes sense to share here!!!!! i hope everyone's june is going well,, i'll be smoking cigarettes while being delusional, if you need anything dont tap my shoulder because i'll bite your hand ♪(´▽`) - ps DELTARUNE IS AMAZING go play it, really moves me inside... or maybe im just sad i dont get to have teenage lesbian love... who knows,,
02/07/25 - for the last two months i've been staying at my mothers house, it's structured differently and i also went on my first tinder date, it went well, but nothing turned out in the end, perfect time for a friend of mine to suggest me a movie, argentinian, it's called sidewall, you can watch it here. also someone XSS my website thru the guestbook, it's fixed now but it was quirky so im glad it happened. i've also joined an hacker group of sorts, it's fun, they have a sticker machine. if you're reading this, go out there and live life. abby out :3
31/08/25 - nothing beats a jet 2 holiday! i went to the same thing i talked about on 23/07/24, this time it was a bit less hot and a lot more dynamic, more fun even. also, im moving in 3 days. and mind you i have never moved outside of my city and i've never lived alone so im in for a treat let's say ,,, im also upgrading my server infrastructure for the first time in 2.5 years but yeah, i'm already making plans for how my room in going to look and stuff: fun times are coming for sure! as i write this im sleepless at 10am while two friends of mine sleep in my room, it's my last weekend here, im not going far away but still A distance yknow? there is a lot of anxiety and shi but regardless the season of joy is begenning, abby out <3 P.S.
05/09/25 - i've finally moved out, insane,, look at this!!!
30/03/26 - It's been some time! the past few months have been.. interesting to say the least. that house from the last post? i only lived there for like 2 weeks, simple matter of lifestyles and such. i started going to some friends house and i just kinda stayed there,,? maybe friendship is magic! well this all happened while i was trying to start university so i ended up not starting university and working at mcdonalds for 2 months, considering im a lazy ass it was surely an interesting choise for a job. but pushing your limits is fun and kinda the point of life if you think about it... atm im basically a neet, and it sucks, but also it doesn't since i have barely anything to worry about, but also it does since not having anything to worry about gets to you eventually. who knows... so yeah tldr love your friends and drink water. ALSO SPRING IS COMING, have i mentioned i live on a mountain? IT GETS COLD. i missed spring :3