LOCKDOWN/LOCKUP ROMANCES , I know what love is I have had it sometimes...Amanda Eliasch

Many people were lonely in Lockdown.  I would see them walking alone in the park briskly. There would be the odd conversation 6 feet apart so of course they were socially distanced love stories. The Government said no lovers. I hate rules.  My stories may not make me likeable but winning is the best, however, the winner is rarely nice and of course Boris was bonking.

I was on my own, my favourite lover far away.  I had time to press right on Tinder and play with Match.com. The people on it appear not to have changed. Last time I used Match.com I got a man who gave a fake name, a fake address, who wanted money all the time. He never kissed me and wore glasses and contact lenses on top of each other to hide his identity who watched porn on his computer whilst  staying with me. He lied all the time and would hide my telephone and gas light me, making me think I was going mad. 

The people on the dating apps are not my type, I sieve heavily. Remember people on them use their best photographs which are not necessarily recent. I  pressed right and ended up with someone who said he was a neighbour.  He then left presents on my doorstep, which sounded romantic but I did not give him my address. I thought "Stalker" He trimmed my Wisteria at the front of my house and left a message  'I trimmed your bushes on your house, so you know how I like my pussy trimmed."  On another evening he played with a red vibrator, sucking it and then massaging himself in the anus,  I had only known him a few days. It was done under bright light instead of candles. I thought to myself, is he gay? He looked so happy. He said dodgy things like, "Guess what I have under my jeans, I have nothing on?" He did not have any pants at home because he had just moved out. For someone reasonably good-looking he had patchy coloured hair that he had dyed badly,  so clumsy and not alluring. He was supposedly educated to scholarship level at one of Britain's best Universities, he had been head boy too.  I found he was bossy and limited. He was happy to break rules but not agreeable when others did the same. When people take off their clothes they behave in the most extraordinary way, there is a time to put up a white flag. 

With little talk of P.G Wodehouse or anything funny, “There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.” 

― P.G. Wodehouse.   The man-made my skin crawl with texts saying he wanted to penetrate me.  I did try to like him,  but truthfully I like intellects.   I like men who are interested in the art scene, who know who Tracey Emin is and the difference between Rembrandt and Velazquez.  That have the right vocabulary. "Couch and lounge"  are a no-no, yes I am a snob.  I like men who work hard. He had retired and was trying to write a book without having read many and with a narrow vocabulary.

I also do not need a man who wants to be a bad housewife. who lies about the ages of his children adding on two years for each of them. I do not like men who boast they are hedonists and leave me with all the bills from our trips. I do not mind paying half but why should I pay for everything?  On top of that avoid meeting anyone getting divorced as they bore you to tears with the stories that are all the same. They may pretend you are the new love of their life,  that their wife was dreadful and did not love them. 

I am not into men who like Boujis, hot tubs, and bubbles I do not drink.  I  do not like men who still live with their wives at home in a house smaller than mine.  I would want a mature man who acted their age instead of 22. Who looked after himself, who dressed well and did not have dirty fingernails, hairy ears and yellow teeth. I make an effort why can't they? I like very tall men and thin men, at least he did not lie about being the latter. You can be clean in mind body and spirit. I do not like men who build you up only to knock you down. I do not like bossy men who are control freaks. It's funny when I go off someone they diminish in height and now when I bump in him, he is now 5 inches shorter. He has certainly lost any glamour he once had, a beta male. 

After slamming the door in his face, three times, it was okay walking alone. It had to be. I walked with my 'walking partner' along the rivers near Chelsea laughing at my foibles.. Of course, I thought about sex a lot, I had time and I am not dead. It is tricky when you do not meet people properly in the normal way, eg the supermarket, the train, introductions. 

When I again, after 6 months of cruel  lock up, I saw the love of my life I ran to him, it felt like home. Tinder is a trap I am simply not that desperate.

I know what love is, I have had it sometimes.

 

ENJOYING LIFE AT AN UNCERTAIN AGE,(shh nearing or over 50) "Yes I am loving it better than ever"

Phew, I am now on my homeward stretch of my diet and going to be skinny soon, fuck my face, there is always Dr. Jean Louis Sebagh.
A few tips to keep you feeling good at an uncertain age.. This is not so tricky as it sounds.
1.  Exercise regularly. Walking round Battersea Park with Justine Glenton is a laugh that I cannot do without. It always manages to stay sunny.  Do this at least 2 or 3 times a week.
2.  The arms go, and there is nothing you can do except pump iron, so that is what I try to do.
3.  A once a year green diet. I do it with Catherine Vanazzi, from Kajh Spa and on the 4th day I am feeling much better.
I was dizzy and bad tempered the first two days. I feed my friends with the food, and except Peter Medak, everybody hardly touches the fake spaghetti made out of what looks like courgette. It is delicious in small amounts.
4.  Make plenty of lovely new friends. Some of my greatest friends have flown to a happier place, so you need a few new ones.
5.  Match.com to meet new men has not been great, but Facebook has a cheerier more accepting appeal.  Match.com only produced for me ponces, so beware. Clever conmen and their merry men.
Also still use protection when having sex.  There are some bounders about with STD's. Remember everyone over 60 is from the promiscuous era of the 1960's when free love and sex was available, and no Aids.. So beware.

6.  Keep your eyes on the latest beauty ideas. I personally love the knife and botox, but it is not for everybody.
7.  Stay within 7 pounds of your natural  weight at the age of 18, however I put on 14 pounds recently and my face looked great, my best party dress split, so make a wise choice.
8.  With hormones flying all over the place with the menopause, be ready to write a few "I apologise" letters.  It only takes 30 minutes and it is better to say sorry than be sorry. I managed to fall out with about 4 people during the more flamboyant moments.
9.  Sleep well, and if you can't use the time wisely, I write, I love it.
10. Continue to educate yourself.  Try new things and stretch your ideas, you after all want to be up to date with everything.
11. Remember negativity is strong so do whatever it takes to be positive, Eg Yoga, The Hoffman Institute, Scientology, Raja Yoga, I believe in anything that makes you feel good, and contribute to life.Buddhism and consciousness anything, that makes you you believe in a high presence and well being of others.
12. A good dietician in London is Dr Fine and in Los Angeles The Weight loss centre. Always weigh yourself regularly however depressing.
13. I still wear mini skirts, well I am a 60's girl, but now I cover everything with thick Wolford Tights and my arms make a minute appearance. Although they are okay, old skin is old skin. Anything over 30 is not in the flush of youth, so be clever and hide what you don't have, and enjoy what you do.
Good luck and let me know how you are doing. You can also read Tim Willis's site on how to make it through.
As for me I have been my most productive, made my first film, won 7 prizes which never happened to me in youth, moved to Paris and Los Angeles, darted round the world, had some romances, and now am ready to grab back my husband number 2, who after all this drama, is the one and only man I can rely on. There we are, it probably won't work, but hells bells, if I don't try, I won't know. We said we would make old bones together. If we don't it is not the end of the world, but a pity. Romance is romance but friendship/romance/love and compassion is where the real meaning of life is.
 are few and far between but this is my list of favourites
GOOD LOOKING WOMEN OF UNCERTAIN AGE
1. Trinny Woodall
2. ME ME ME hahaha
3. Martha Fiennes
4. Maya Fiennes
5. Amanda Harlech
6. Lucy Ferry
7. Priscilla Waters.
8. Lisa Zane

PS I have never worn braces.. but got a comment that perhaps you will need them?

SAND BUCKETS AND LAUGHTER

Resolving problems with girlfriends can be like walking barefoot on fire.  Last night I bicycled all the way to Abbotkinney.  I then came back and had my only drink for a month, a Margarita. After one sip I realised why I do not drink, and why I hate being with people who do.  Suddenly an argument happened about a story that was four years old, and the flames of the fire engulfed all of us. 
Having got rid of all boyfriends, I shall now open the door again bring them all out out of the cupboard.
I was really quite excited yesterday, I was meeting a man from Match.com who I had no idea what his name was, there was something alluring about this.  I met him a week ago.  I got dressed in my favourite dress, I did my hair, and I actually liked him which was a big miracle. Things did not quite turn out as I expected.  The man with no name didn't turn up.  I am installed in a new hotel, done up and waiting for, I do not know what?.  Little goes to plan in life. I suddenly decided to run away and am going to try and go home. He then accused me of name dropping, having said he had gone out with some old pop star and taken down an Eastern European Government?.  Perhaps he was turned down by the pop star and went down on the Government.
I need something very romantic and a very unpretentious Brian would do, or a safer, easier going  Nigel, or saviour called Victor.  I never fully enjoy Summer holidays, all sand, buckets and laughter, I am happy in the rain in London.


I have a couple of old dudes  I need to see, and then I am back home.. Really I am here to re do my extensions, collect my rent, name drop and do the Hollywood walk of fame and seduce every star on it. I shall wrap the talents of Balencienga on my shoulders and have the Crook diamonds copied. Have lunch with Joan Collins and re make Dynasty and reflect on how ghastly the male species has become, except for my sons? I don't believe that either...
Who cares about some 'dude has been' with a 45 rp record, perhaps it was B side all along. Perhaps he did not want to tell me his name for fear that nobody would remember it, let alone pronounce it?.  

HEARTS AND FLOWERS ROUND THE CORNER I HOPE

Valentine's Day is round the corner, and it's time to find true love and to also hang on to what love we still have in our lives. I think I shall help all my single pals this year find lovers. I am fed up with hearing that there are so few decent men around. I do think, though, that we women may have become a harping, unattractive bunch. Nagging was the norm when I was young. I was nagged to get up, nagged to help, nagged to take a walk, nagged to feed my pony and muck him out, nagged until my brain was filled with demands that I certainly wasn't able to fulfill, so I in turn have nagged men. I don't like doing it, but men eventually seem to respect and need it. The trouble is, nagging is certainly no good for sex, so men tend to find new pastures, with easy flesh and foliage. We are all replaceable. Still, let's think hearts and roses, and pray that we all have something to celebrate -because an unloved face shows. In the interests of research, I have tried my hand at all the dating sites in the last few weeks - beautifulpeople.com, chemistry.com, match.com - and had a lot of fun. But let's be creative with how we approach our new men: you can send them a JibJab video or card, you can send them a LOVE lifebelt from Damien Hirst to woo them, or you can write some poetry. Think pink. It will all go well, just watch it.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

New Year resolutions are looming like a black cloud or a pink rose haze depending on your mood. Well mine is chirpy, and despite my girlfriends claiming there are no men about I have managed to surround myself with them through the whole of Christmas, so I am a lucky girl. I am inclined to think that they are all too fussy, so to challenge the female sorority I have joined Match.com, and what fun I have had. Of course you have to put up with a big fatso man having the crop of fabulous busted women but who cares - there is still room for me on the red carpet. Anyway after spending an hour filling out forms, doing quizzes, checking my accuracy for form, I have had several interesting requests to see me. I am not sure that Facebook doesn't win because everything happens through friends of friends, so that a profile is easily obtainable. A romance on Facebook can take minutes to start up, and I get nagged once a day. At the moment I have a delicious 24 year old chasing me from Bombay, needless to say he hasn't realised that I could be his mother. Whatever, the internet is the way to go. Forget friends; there is too much social/political banter, and they rarely, if ever introduce you to 'dick shit'. I just love the company of men, they can be truly trusted and the more the merrier.
Another resolution will be to have friends that are equal in every way. This never mattered to me before, but there is always the problem of me ending up with the bill. Why should it always be me? Therefore my friends will have to have the same interests and wherewithal that I have. I am very generous, but friends pushed my limits last year, which is entirely my fault as I never say NO. They will simply have to give as much as I do. Actually I am beginning to believe my ex when he used to say why do you need friends, they are the very people who stop you doing the very thing you want to do! I just can't help myself I love the playground.