‘ae ee CS NR ete
ALLYHOO
_ NOVEMBER BQ wy
ii y
am / /
a) ,
tf
t(m@/.
}
|
“Sloppy Joe’s, Henri’’
PRODUCT OF GENERAL DISORDER
Bodies by Bisher are everywhere recognized for
their outstanding chassis, their underslung frames,
and overstuffed upholstery, which make for riding
comfort and elegance. So pronounced are these qualities that the
public is cognizant of their value. Look at the medals! + + +
FIFTH AVENUE BUS “i 42nd STREET CROSSTOWN CAR
MINSKY’S BURLESQUE
BALLYHOO—November 1931. Vol. 1 No. 4.
N. Y.
Ill.
Published monthly and copyrighted by the Dell Publishing Co., Inc. 100 Fifth Avenue, New York,
George T. Delacorte, President and Treas., H. Honig, Vice-Pres., Margarita Delacorte, Sect’y. Chicago Office: 540 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago,
Entered as second class matter June 22, 1931, at the Post Office, at New York, N. Y., under act of March 3, 1897. Printed in U.S.A. Yearly
Subscriptions $1.80. Single Copies 15c:. Foreign Subscription $2.40 a year. No Canadian Subscriptions accepted.
:
“WHOOPS! |
I’m Just Curazy about
FAERY SOAP!”
—Oscar Zilch
HAVE YOU A LITTLE FAERY
IN YOUR HOUSE?
scar Zilch, the well-
known tenor, is only one
of hundreds of Stage and
Screen Stars who recom-
mend Faery Soap.
* Tune in on the Faery Soap
Hour and hear our Theme
Song, “Homo Sweet Homo.”
|
the pity of it!
This poor fellow was
oncea carefree, happy-
go-lucky young man!
Admired by all, the
most popular bon-
vivant in his set, he
climaxed a successful
career with a brilliant
society marriage.
THEN CAME THE DENOUEMENT!
And he didn’t carry
ALIMONY INSURANCE
Guard against such tragedies. Send for our Illus-
trated Booklet “How to Keep the Cat From the Door.”
THE ALIMONY
FREEDOM
INSURANCE CO.
NEW HAMPSHIRE
BRIGHT SAYINGS
OF GROWN-UPS
Ballyhoo will not pay $5 a piece
for Bright Sayings of Grown-ups be-
cause our Bright Sayings of Grown-
ups editor writes them all.
A SHARP RETORT!
Clyde, aged forty-two, came home
one night full of dollar gin and found
his wife waiting up for him. After
his wife had given him a piece of
her mind, Clyde stood and thought
a minute, then he said, "Oh, yeah?"
—Johnny Geraty, Cleveland, Ohio.
WHAT A MAN!
~ Elmer Zilch, aged forty-five, was
sitting around the house one day
when his mother told him she thought
he ought to go out and get a job.
She also informed him that he was a
lowlife, a big bum and a lazy good-
for-nothing slob. Elmer said nothing
for a while then he quickly retorted,
"Sez youl”.
—Bobbie Zilch, Yonkers, N. Y.
A HEARTY LAUGH
At a big party one night, Normie
Kappler, aged forty-nine, came up
behind the hostess, and slapping her
on her bare back, cried, "Glad to
see your back!" How they roared!
—Si Siebern, Cincinnati, Ohio.
THE JOKE WAS ON HIM!
Frank Frankini, proprietor of «
speakeasy, was standing at the bar
one day when four customers came
in and bought a drink. As they were
about to order another one, Frank
cried, "This one is on the house!"
—Phil Rosa, Greenwich Village.
A SHARP ANSWER
Oscar Glutz, aged fifty, was sitting
listening to the radio one night.
After about an hour of gab anc
advertising talk, Oscar suddenly rose
from his chair, kicked a hole in the
radio and hollered, “Aw nuts!"
—Harry Brunn, Crescent Beach, Ont.
THE WOMAN OF IT
Little Freddy Fiddleplotz came
home one night the worse for wear.
As he was undressing for bed he
said to his wife Cora, "Il feel terri-
ble!"" Quick as a flash she replied,
"Oh, it's probably something you et."
- —Alfred Miller, Buffalo, N. Y.
MONTREAL!
$10 Round Trip
with a Hangover at Quebec
eo)
eae
We Se
HAPPY VACATION DAZE!
spend them in Canada!
MONTREAL UNLIMITED
NEW YORK CENTRAL RAILROAD
3
bc ted caetlpeecieenties Sisal he ah aA Oa
AO i SE OM GREE SEEMER
; MUST FINISH MY CROCHETING !??
ee eee ee ee
TELEPHONES CONVENIENTLY |
PLACED KEEP HOUSEHOLDS
EFFICIENT
noe naan ape entice
Few households have enough telephones,
that is, enough to suit us! Telephones con-
veniently located save steps and time, save
running up and down stairs.
Doesn't it vex you, when you have
When browsing around in the attic, how inconveni- to drop your crocheting to answer
ent itistohavetorundownstairs to answer the phone! the phone? Why you know it does!
PERE TE SOt RETEST Ay ae
were stuck up in a
tree? Think how con-
venient it would be
to have a_ phone
handy! Instal phones
in all your trees
now and avoid this
Just suppose you
embarrassment. |
|
é The telephone always rings when one 1s
h h ig ae haa in the bawth! Life is like that. Have a |
6 S508 Pee Se Ve Nanay wren phone installed in the bathroom and |
In the cellar, when stoking coal, or dump-
you want to swear at somebody. save many embarrassing steps.
4
VOX BOP
He Likes Our Magazine
Cleveland, Ohio.—l think your
magazine is just the cleverest thing
out and all my friends think so too.
| am enclosing a few poems which |
hope you can use.—K. G. Guy.
He Likes Us
New York.—Il don't think your
Ballyhoo is so hot. Why don't you
run editorials, book, movie, theatre,
radio reviews, Washington letters,
sport and fashion pages and profiles
the way the other funny magazines
do? Give your readers a chance to
laugh!—Curious.
Letter No. 18,696
New York.—Say, do you get paid
for those ads?—I. Wonder.
He Likes Us
Yonkers.—What's the idea of
knocking the radio? Don't you know
that the radio is the greatest inven-
tion of the age? You must be crazy
to criticize.a machine that gives us
such wonderful entertainment free!
—S. MacTavish.
He Likes Our Magazine
New York, N. Y.—Yure magazine
is purty good but why dont you run
reel artistic like covers that have
some sense to em like Sandy and
Lii?—B. MacFadden.
She Likes Us
Oswego, N. Y.—You are fine ones
you are knocking prohibition! Prohi-
bition is a wonderful thing. Before
prohibition my husband used to come
home drunk every night. Now he
doesn't come home at all.—Etta
Apple. |
Have
you a
L
«5
‘backline ?
This photograph shows Se
the Lordhelpus backline,
before corrected by a
Pincher.
AVE you a ten-
dency to that
common figure
fault—a large fanny?
If so, the cause of ee
it is Lordhelpus*, a WHICH FIGURE FAULT IS YOUR’N?
big satchel just be-
low the waistline. Pincher designers have made a special
study of Lordhelpus, and have decided they can’t do a thing
about it, but what the hell, we’ve got to sell corsets some way!
PINCHER CORSETS
5
od: mile away the DP uncpision
Connel d
Greeny 1 n@y
eY mile us into Prosperity!
weara
SMILETTE!
This wonderful little gadget will
solve the problems of the Nation!
APPLY NOW AT YOUR CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
OR THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
WARNING—Do not risk Federal arrest by looking glum!
6
BALLYHOO
Published by George T. Delacorte. Jr. Edited by Norman Anthony
““YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME-”
"Dinner's ready—what'll we do with it?"
=
pate
———
ths
F si
7
+
ys
WEATHER
cowry | TABLOID HISTORY |rinat
Vol. I., No. 1. NEW YORK, APRIL 1ST, 1492 2 Cents.
COLUMBUS HOPS OFF!
rse taken by CoYumbus
CHRIS OFF!—The pride of
Spain kissed Queen Isabella
good bye (left) and started
off on a non-stop flight from
which he may never re-
turn. (Right) The Crown
Jewels which Isabella
hocked to make her
lover’s trip possible.
King Ferdinand has en-
tered suit for divorce,
naming Chris.
April 1, 1492 TABLOID HISTORY April 1, 1492
COLUMBUS DISC)VERS AMERICA!
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS FIRST MAN TO
SPAN THE ATLANTIC! |
New York, April i.—Chris Co-
lumbus, the Italian Eagle, landed
here at 8.30 A. M. today after a
nine weeks’ non-stop flight from
the Coast of Portugal.
Thousands rushed into the water
to greet the Intrepid Conqueror of
the Atlantic, and he had difficulty
in landing the Santa Maria, which
he naively refers to as ““We.”
When questioned by reporters
and asked if he left Spain on ac-
count of King Ferdinand, Chris
just laughed. After being greeted
by Chief Grover Whalen, Chris
_and his party started uptown amid
the din of horns and sirens.
Pocus all
a
(Above) On the City Hall Steps
where the Conqueror of the Sea
was Officially welcomed by Chief
Muddy Walkers and presented with
the keys to the city. Chief Walkers
caused a laugh when he asked Co-
lumbus if he had finessed the Queen.
Chris in his suite at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel The Italian Eagle’s Triumphant March up Broadway
10 i]
TABLOID HISTORY
OLUMBUS FETED ©
:
THE HERO OF THE HOUR!—The Italian Eagle at a banquet given in his honor by the |
Sportiva Club at the Astor.. Chris made a short speech in which he said he liked our American |
ole women and our tall buildings.
* * EXTRA! «x x
CHRIS SCRAMS!
NEW YORK, APRIL 10.—Without
warning, Chris Columbus, the Italian
Finishing up a week of banquets and unveiling of Eagle, suddenly left for Spain today.
statues, Nicholas Murray Butler presents Columbus All he would say to reporters, as he
with the Third Degree. Chris looked very tired. left, was,.‘“To hell wid dees country!”’
12
A ee ee ee ee ee
:
hh
/ : ®
i
iy
i
/ {
Wi
i
~
Ba haens
"Mother, dear mother, come home
with me now!"
Hama Damo
A}| zzoa2vae ams
"Ya'll have to think up another slogan.
The world ain't so big!"
13
no gin?"
"What
is an unbreakable
doll!"
a eetenines iet
"Remember! This
~ R* S Seen
: ~5 Ss
Ss ee AAAS
. SSR BA Sa
ASS
YS) Svc, aaa
eee ~~
~ SA
ENS So
s ANAC Aas he Mahe We aS
> oe
SO. ees. +
a
~ i
a : : an
ae ~~ SOR Seer ae > =~ <n
4 — sa 3
t ’ ‘©
ae Ree
2 be 3 - ac
on gas
>
uO; Ye
OZx =m 8
H. > $58
od Se | Be ON
eee
e MO Ww ctx
9 az 2+O
ig oF Fel
z ” 85%
ait We F
= <2
<o 5s
n= S522
"! think I'll take one of those
Cheers."
14
My in Fe Re hans
ing! | forgot
something!"
®
>
=
P= |
®
=
pres
oo.
°
hen
wn
_A SHIRT SHIRT*STORY
* Arrow. |
Editor’s Note—In a recent issue of Ballyhoo, we happened to mention the name of a nationally advertised
product, and were we surprised, and delighted to receive a few days later, a letter of thanks from the manufac-
turer and a present of said product! It is therefore with great pleasure and expectancy that we dedicate this
story to the advertisers of America!
ENNEN women Oliver town
M had a keen Admiration for
Ethyl. She was the Bost
popular Bell in Johns Man-
ville. She had beautiful Simoniz,
Auburn hair, a Wrigley Fisher Body,
and a rich Coty tan.
57 different varieties of Boyce
sought her hand but as Lux would
have it Ethyl was Aspirin’ for Big Ben
Stetson a poor but honest Life Saver,
who lived in a Borden house. Big
Ben thought Ethyl was the Beechnuts.
but Eno's her old man was a Pluto-
crat with plenty of Gold Dust and he
treated her with a Frigidaire. This
only made it all the more Absorbine
for Ethyl so she gave a party and
invited Big Ben.
“De Sota get him!" she said to
herself.
Ethyl's old man wanted her to
marry Lord Dunhill because he had
Royal Baking Powder in his blood
but she thought he was just a B.V.D.
fool, and told him to Kodak a run
and jump for himself.
On Zonite of the party Lord Dun-
“Ah! The new ‘Adjustables'!"
idea!
hill got Studebaker on Canada Dry
and became very Armourous with
Ethyl. Big Ben got Crosley over this
and said “A Cadillac like that!"
Lord Dunhill Nashed his teeth.
“What do Uno about cads, you
cheap low Life saver! 1'Il have Uno
I'm a Marshall Field, | mean a field
marshall!"
"You're Chesterfield mouse!’ said
Big Ben, ‘and Uneeda good licking!
One more pass like that and I'll
Tecla good Interwoven sock at- your
jaw!"
"Virginia Dare ya'!"' snarled Dun-
hill putting a Chipso on his shoulder.
Ethyl's father stepped between them.
"Musterole man butt in?" thought
Big Ben.
"Boyce," he exclaimed, “this is
the Linit! lsotta you two were gen-
tlemen!"
Dunhill and Big Ben apologized,
then the latter exclaimed, “Ivory'll
Let us Gambel Forhan oppor-
tunity to marry your daughter!"
"You're Ronson!’ said Ethyl's
father, “‘and I'll choose the weapons!
an atomizer with Fiit.
. and stepped forward.
the atomizer in her bosom.
The hills around this house are Fuller
echoes. The man who can awake
the loudest ech Kotex the girl!"
There was a Sani-flush on Ethyl's
face as she heard these words. She
knew that Lord Dunhill hac the loud-
est mouth in Johns Manville! With
Swift steps she ran upstairs and filled
When she
came down Big Ben was yelling out
the window but the echo came back
faintly.
Lord Dunhill smiled triumphantly
"This is a
pipe!" he exclaimed.
“O'cedar Spray!” said Ethyl, hold-
ing up the atomizer, then just as
Dunhill opened his mouth to yell, she
grein it a oi in his =
rl" he gasped.
Whit-he was choking, Ethyl hid
"Go on
and yell!" she cried.
Dunhill opened nis mouth but
nothing came forth but a whisper.
Ethyl rushed into Big Ben's arms.
"Oh, how | Neet you! Djer Kiss
me! I'm Murine!” |
RR pipet ae mde aete
"That's our new contact
man."
"Should he ask her in?”
“Not the Mrs. Depuyster of Zim-
mons Beds?” | Mother Hubbard—"Could | interest you in some ice cubes?"
19
a = a“ . - > seein oe * a bs — = ——." a eo - . oe
Good evening, ladies and 7
gentlemen of the radio
audience! This is Station =
HOOY, broadcasting on a
National Junk Heap of 630 ”.
kilocycles, by permission of- %
the Federal Radio Commis- Si.
sion. Basil Piddlepoop, your ™
announcer. When you hear &™ 3
the gong, it will be exactly ~_{S
one hundredth of a second - .
past eight o'clock, Eastern
Standard , Time. - Ready?
Plink! This time, ladies and
gentlemen of the ‘radio audience, is given through the
courtesy of the Hellova Watch Company, makers of fine
watches. The next voice you will hear will be that of
Warburton Whiffsnitz. .
: ? a; tee he asks
Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen of the radio
audience! Warburton Whiff-
snitz speaking. At this hour
we bring to you the Casey
Coffin Hour. Case y—
C-A-S-E-Y—Casey Coffins
are fine coffins! They are
made in a sunkist factory
and are guaranteed for life!
Visit one of our conveniently
located Casey Funeral Par-
iors and inspect our large
selection. You will not be
asked to buy. But remember the name Casey—C-A-S-E-Y
ee when buying a coffin! You will now hear those
funny funny fellows, Joy and Glee, sing the familiar
Casey Coffin Theme Song! All right boys!
| : land, . folks.
F wish you could be here in
) crowd!
B packed,
AT LAST—
STATION
Casey Coffins they are fine
Made of satin, brass and pine!
And when grief comes to your door
Phone Columbus 604!
When your loved ones. pass away
Let them pass the Casey way!
Casey buyers always sing
O Death where is thy sting!
“Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, Eddie, how do you feel tonight?"
"! feel like a cow, Ernie."
"And how's that, Eddie?"
"Bully!" |
“Ha! Ha! Ha! That's a good one Eddie! Say, Eddie,
why does a chicken cross the street?" |
“Oh, that's easy, Ernie! Because she wants to go to
the Casey Funeral Parlor on the other side!"
“Hal Hal Ha! Ha! Ha!-Ha!"
Casey Coffins they are fine
Made of satin, brass and pine......
Station HOOY! New
York! Basil Piddlepoop, |
your announcer. When you
hear the gong, ladies and 7
gentlemen of the radio —
audience, it will be exactly ..
one hundredth of a second DRX
past eight twenty o'clock, Sa
Eastern Standard Time. SaaX
Ready? Plink! This time, @
ladies and gentlemen, is §
given through the courtesy of
the Hellova Watch Com- 5”
pany, makers of fine ©
watches.
We now take you to Will Croakland's Night Club.
ollri >
Hello! Hello! Hello, every-
body! This is. Will Croak-
Folks, 1 only
this great big beautiful
night club and see the
The place is just
folks! Celebrities
all over this great big beau-
tiful place! There's Mayor
Walker over there, and
Primo Carnera, and Texas
Guinan, and Gloria Swan-
son, and Commissioner Mul- |
rooney, and—folks, it's a shame you can't be with us
in this great big beautiful night club. Beautiful women!
Beautiful music! A Beautiful dance floor and what a
show! Fifty (count 'em) beautiful girls! | wish you could
see this jolly crowd, folks! What a mob! Come down
some night! Remember, there's no cover charge at
Gar tH,
TELEVISION!
'
vj
\
id
~
ie
Ee ?
gy -,
. Pa
i.
7
\ \
a 4
4 i os
Will Croakland's! I've had so many requests for songs,
folks, that | won't be able to sing them all, but my
first number will be ‘When Yuba Plays the Rumble in
His Tummy,’ accompanied by my great big beautiful
orchestra! All right, boys! Let's go!
3 RT od
Station HOOY, New
York. Sidney Dupplepotts,
your announcer. When you
hear the gong, it will be
exactly one thousandth of a
second past eight thirty
one and a half o'clock,
Eastern Standard Time. This
time, ladies and gentlemen
of the radio audience,
is given you through the
* : courtesy of the. Hellova
Pee Watch Company, makers of
: fine watches. At this hour,
ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the Crime Club
through the courtesy of Cleno Salts. Cleno Salts are the
salt of the earth! No matter how cockeyed you are when
you wake up, Cleno will do the trick! Put a little Cleno
in the palm of your hand. Throw it over your shoulder
for good luck. Pour another handful into a glass full of
gin and swallow quickly. It will put you right on your
feet—or your back. SG ee
Remember Cleno— (ae Seg ‘
C-L-E-N-O—the next time [fe
you're plastered. Here is the
Shadow!
Heh! Heh! Heh! This is
the sha—dow! Heh! Heh!
Heh! There is dirty work
afoot tonight, my _ friends!
Sh! Sh! What's that! Hark!
‘Tis the sha—dow! Heh!
Heh! Heh!
Es oy»
"Yes this is Police Headquarters!"
"Migawd! What was that!’
"Crash bank! Crash bang! H—e—l—p! Murde—r!
Po—leece!"’
"Where were you on the night of the 23rd?"
“Look! Quick! Be—hind you! Migawd! Awk!
H—e—l—p!""
"Drop that gun you cur!"
"He—l—p! Mur—der! Po—leeece! Awk!"'
"Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh!”
Station HOOY, New
York. Cecil Broadbottom,
your announcer. When you
hear the gong, it will be
exactly three and_ three
thousandths of a_ second
past nine o'clock, Eastern
Standard Time. Ready?
Plink! This time, ladies and
gentlemen, is brought to
you through the courtesy o7
the Hellova Watch Com-
pany. The next voice you
will hear will be that of Wil-
liam Flannelmouth of the Gazette who will give a briet
resume of the political situation. Mr. Flannelmouth!
a
Thee
Ladies and gentlemen of |
the radio audience! Mr.
Hoover said in a_ recent
statement that he would
blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah! That, ladies
and gentlemen, is not the
Blah
case! Decidedly not!
blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah. blah
blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah
"Yeah, but not a word did you tell me about a husband!"
Donacp
a law!"
"Bullet-proof cellophane! There ought to be
aot
22
“Dere‘s Nobody Here,
Boss, But Us Chickens.“
j i
} if
} |
H
AS THE T
a
EATRE GUILD WOULD DO IT
23
AS FLO ZIEGFELD WOULD DO IT
SS SS os ~ = —
first!"
27
Check your teeth
"Roscoe!
’ ®@ 5
33
| Qu
| | . ?) ee
3s SO ORE oN ATE
we
S42. ry
5 88 2 8
£53 3
ft as $2
: <2 f ze
Boe ie
w 8 =
258
> 3
too weak.
1S
round the corner.
Joe
hte -
om
that stuff o'
&
| know a better place
2
"Aw,
1
a
ene ET
i_,
anaes ay,
1 star means fair.
2 stars, good.
3 stars, excellent.
1 razzberry means
one razzberry
Probak Blades
Here is a picture that stirs the pulses! The
blood binding atmosphere of the prize ring!
The mad primitive frenzy, the hoarse hys-
teria of the excited fight fans! The hushed
suspense as the iron fist of Killer Burke lands
flush on the jaw of Tiger Zilch! Zilch goes
down! He writhes in a desperate
attempt to lift himself to his knees, then,
falls back. The referee is counting. One!
Two! Three! Four! Five!
And in the foreground we see two goofy
saps sitting there and talking calmly
about razor blades! This picture gets
the well known razzberry.
The Camel’s Humph!
"What a world of difference there
is between the mild, cool fragrance
of Camels in the Humidor Pack
and the unkindly hot smoke of an
ordinary cigarette!” Ain't dat
sumpin'! Well, we'll bet a hun-
dred smackers against one share
py of Goldman Sachs, or Aunt
Hespie's old corsets, that no
member of the firm of R. J.
gow" igh:
goss cel paso ake ae goorsnter gor es Paha cpa this
_core? o s zu¥ kage ottice and, atfer smoking a
opAé | rem on oF POO we Pg 5 half dozen brands of cigar-
- in 3 ova re oc £° ; ‘
pilio” qodioB _puy PF : oolet— at me ettes while blindfolded; tell
pute oe, oT aa re De : us which one was the
age Date eisot | yout = Camel! The razzberry for
. ge oe aod 8° this one.
Reprinted ov
from Liberty, 10 J
Aug. 22,31
28
Reprinted from Daily Mirror, Aug. 13, '31
q): eourse you ean tell the
difference «theyre FRESH!
Palmolive
Just to show that we're
not George Jean Nathan in
disguise, we
herewith hand
the palm to Palmolive. "Try
before you buy.” Nothing
could be fairer than that, in
this age
of hooey.
*kx* for this one.
We Believe
in the old-time plan of
“Try before you buy”
who try it our
steady customers. Will you please send the
_ <eupon?
PALMOLIVE RADIO HOUR — Broadcast
every Wi :
8:3 to 9:30 p.m.
Eastern time ; 7:30 to 8:30 p. m., Cen-
tral + 6:30 to 7:30 p.m, Moun-
tain time; 5:30 to 6:30 p.m, Pacific
™ WEAF and 39 sta-
tions with the National Broadcasting
Reprinted from Saturday Evening Post, Aug. 22,’31
in success. A shaving cream was born possess--
ing 5 unique advenuges:
1. Multiplies itself in lather 250 times.
2. Softens the beard in one minute.
3. Maintains its creamy fulfiness for 10
minutes on the face.
4. Strong bubbies hold the hairs erect for
shaving. :
5. Soothing after-effects due to olive and
paim oil content.
Won't you give us a chance tw prove our
case? Just take one minute and send the cou- ©
QO rr te reer em eee eee ceeseser
! 7 FREE SHAVES :
(Please print your name and address)
+. etnintinwatiedkéeeeameainnes
- 99 Mhema®fy PURE - ir»
LOATs
Reprinted from ~
Saturday Evening Post, Aug. 22, ’31
Ivory Soap
"3.19148 times as many Sales managers prefer Ivory." Now that
there's a statistic! Well, stutter on this here now statistic Mr. Proctor
and Mr. Gambel! Your advertising is not as pure as your soap!
751. (count ‘em) Sales managers of 751 [count em) corporations (or
do they mean with corporations?) may prefer Ivory soap. We don't
question that, Mr. Proctor and Mr. Gambel, but if-they prefer it be-
cause it floats then they probably sit down to put their socks onl!
Gosh, anyone knows that nowadays men take showers even if they
are Sales managers! .!/, razzberry for this one. . 3
*kkKK Ads of the past month—Canada Dry, "Tell Mother What's the
oa Matter?" arid:"Ash-Tray Breath."
29
Our Mwn Puzzle U ment
san that won the Camel contest?
What v
WNew Yorker run fashion ¢ Dosite —
Why OE
3 a clothing store ad?
_ Do magazines get paid for hot
cigarette ads,
ears?
Why is the Saturday Evening Post cz
after barring them for so g
2n years ago, why, after
B, have they still got it?
if four out ae five people had pyors
using Forhan’s Toothpaste sO
How many radio programs
buld get by if the fans had to
- pay to lis |
n to pest
What is the name of the téoth paste that Amos a’ Andy
advertise ?
n every pot, and that car
‘What has become of that
ine
30
‘
|
"How far can we go on this bus?”
31
“Have | got a chance?"
"Just one—he may disappear."
"Hello, desk clerk? Am |, or am | not, paying for a
private bath?"
“< The fellow. who took it seriously
an om
BEHIND LOCKED DOORS
A Short Short Drayma
SCENE: Committee Room at National Capitol.
TIME: Almost any day now.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
SENATORS: Flipwittle, (Dem. N. J.); Rayvon, (Rep.
Ohio); Limberlip, (Rep. Ala.); Scatterwit, (Rep. Pa.);
Committee to Investigate, Committee now Investigating,
Committee to Pass on Bill to Abolish Committees.
Senator Flipwittle, the only Democrat was chosen as
chairman because he is deaf and dumb. At the last
congressional election he was voted, "Man most likely
to succeed". He calls meeting to order by firing one
pound cannon. Senator Limberlip badly frightened
hides under table thinking’ he is in Nite Club. Senator
Scatterwit goes to sleep. Senator Rayvon immediately
leaps to his feet.
"Gentlemen," he began, "| strongly deny the rumor
that my son was seen intoxicated last Tuesday. It was
Wednesday, and he was not intoxicated. You see, my
son -is very susceptible to music. and often sways in time
to hurdy-gurdys while walking."
Senator Scatterwit: ‘‘Nerts’’.
Door opens and in walk Bishop Cannon and Methodist
Board of Public Morals who have been listening at key-
hole. Pick up the screaming Senator and carry him off
to dungeon.
Senator Rayvon: ''l've got a date at 9 o'clock, so
let's hurry. things up a bit.”
Senator Limberlip: (drowsily), "Is she a blonde?"
~ Senator Rayvon ignores remark and proceeds with
speech. ''Now in Paris, gentlemen."
Senator Limberlip, eagerly, "Did you bring back any
dirty post cards?"" Subsides when Senator Rayvon eyes
him balefully. |
Senator Rayvon pulls New York Times out of pocket
thinking it is his speech, Senator Limberlip raises hand.
Chairman Flipwittle gives him reproachful look but nods
his permission. Senator Fimberli grabs Times out of
Rayvon's hand and leaves room. In his absence, Senator
Rayvon tries to play ''Mumbley-peg" but finds cannot do
so on glass top table, makes mental note of fact and
resolves to recommend installation of wooden tables in
of Life in Washington
Committee rooms. Chairman Flipwittle intently watches
passage of cockroach across map of Europe on table.
Fifteen minutes pass and Rayvon shows impatience.
Finally voice of Limberlip is,heard from bathroom.
Limberlip: “What's an eight letter word for "Home
for mental defectives?"
Senator Rayvon (Absently): “Congress”. Realizes
error and looks at Chairman to see if he heard. Did
not, of course, since he is deaf and dumb, as before
noted.
Cockroach has crossed Russia in |! minutes, 22
seconds. 7
Limberlip returns with Times and glances guiltily at
Rayvon who pretends not to notice him.
Rayvon after bowing to chairman, but not to Lim-
berlip, begins: |
"The ,Honorable President of this glorious country has
instructed me,'' here he stops for Limberlip is playing
tic-tac-toe.
Rayvon (pettishly): "'l believe you're just doing that
to annoy me.”
Limberlip (coyly): ''l refuse to answer on the grounds
that it might incriminate me."
Reaches in drawer for more paper. Walter ,Winchell
steps out of drawer and fixes Limberlip with cold gaze.
Winchell: “Is it true Senator, that you are lessed-
eventing?"
Limberlip starts to deny but finally breaks down under
Winchell's glare, . blushingly produces half-knit baby
bonnet to confirm rumor.
Winchell pulls dog sled out of waste basket and de-
parts.
Cockroach has reached Havre and Chairman Flipwittle
thinking it .is within striking distance of United States
recalls that our Navy is,undermanned and strikes cock-
roach with gavel. Limberlip and Rayvon hearing gavel
think meeting is adjourned and skip from room arm in
arm, bowling over reporters who were shooting crap in
ante-room.
Finis.
Mustafa Brainstorm.
TARRYTOWN ~~
2 MILES
"Headless horseman, eh? Well, you're gonna cet a #icketl"
NS ee ee a)
ee cet se
re > a pre rte 5 2 bs 29 GAS SOc a ee
~- evoeareemeenegnsenn aceechenstintny 2+ 2
“All right, officer—you're scaring me because I'm a
Te. woman!"
a
Mr. Hill—"I'm not taking any sheep-dip from anybody!"
34
—~ eae or ee
i}? 3] er ee cE TT tere
35
36
VANGELINE JiLCcH's
FORECAST FoR OCTOBER
Editor’s Note—It is with great
pleasure that Ballyhoo announces that
Evangeline Zilch, the famous astrolo-
ger, will henceforth give her personal
attention to the lucky lucky readers of
this magazine! If you are in trouble
(and who isn’t?) don’t hesitate to ask
Evangeline for advice. Even though
hundreds of thousands of letters come
in every day, Evangeline will be only
too glad to sit down and answer each
one personally. As she herself says,
“That’s what I am here for!”
There is only one restriction (and
that’s but a trifle!) Tear off the
cover of this magazine, write your
name and address plainly on the back,
and mail it to us along with the date
of your birth, your great grand-
mother’s maiden name, your uncle’s
first wife’s nickname, and your bank
balance, sworn to by a notary public.
If your uncle’s first wife didn’t have
any nickname then you’re out of luck
and you really can’t blame us!
HERE is no denying the fact
that the astrological indications
for October are none too good. In
fact, they’re lousy. I am not a pessi-
mist, but it is the duty of the intelli-
gent optimist to look Truth in the
face. There, Truth! How do you
like that?
There are “good” things about these
indications, of course, and there are
“bad” things, but what the hell we
can’t have everything! There is, too,
the indication that things will improve
in November so we've got a lot to
look forward to. What it is I don’t
know but we won’t go into that.
I~YOUR HEART
Venus, the Goddess of Love and
Beauty, is in the sign of the Double-
Cross during the first fourteen and a
half days of the month so lovers
should be wary. During the second
half of the month, Venus has the .-
Gemini, or Heebe Jeebes, so lovers
should be wary. Summing up the en-
tire month I should say that lovers
should be wary. If you can’t be wary
be as wary as you can.
2~YOUR MIND
Bunkus, the planet which rules our
mentality, (particularly between the
fifth and the fifteenth*) will be un-
friendly with Zilchus during this period
and there may be hell to pay in the
heavens, causing the jitters among
those born under Elevated Railways.
This condition makes it necessary for
us to maintain our poise (and girls)
in order to avoid conditions which
might arouse-other conditions and thus
bring about embarrassing conditions.
*Does not run on Saturdays.
3—YOUR BODY
That the stars have a marked in-
fluence on the human body is one of
the oldest beliefs. You get hit on the
head and you see stars. What could
be simpler? During this month Mars
and Zoppus are in Yonkers which
rules the kidneys so be careful of the
gin you drink. Yonkers also rules
your Adam’s Apple so avoid harsh
irritants. Those born between the
fourth and fourteenth should avoid
open manholes.
4—YOUR JOB
Jupiter is in conjunction with Man-
hattan Transfer during this month
which makes it swell for Writers of
Christmas Card Jingles, Menders of
Grandfather’s Clocks, String Savers,
Writers to the New York Times, and
Bustle manufacturers. The first part
of the month is especially favorah'e
to Venders of Feelthy Post Cards.
THE WATCHWORD OF THIS MAGAZINE IS SERVICE
Just to show that our hearts are in the right place we herewith present this page to you for your own amusement. We could
have sold it to some big advertiser for thousands of dollars but SERVICE comes before Money! Make out your laundry or gro-
cery lists on this page; jot down handy telephone numbers, or play Tic-tac-toe; do what you want with it! It’s yours gentle reader!
37
Pea COTA oe ka
NEWS OF THE DAY
IN WALL STREET
Trading was very desultory (slow to
you) today in spite of the new devel-
opments in Eastman Kodak. Maxwell
House Coffee opened weak but this is not
grounds for worry, except to the poor
birds who had to drink it. Consolidated
Gas made a steady rise owing to an
extra session of Congress, while Sim-
mons Beds were very active.
American Can got the most trade as
usual with Ingersol Watch a close sec-
ond. There was a distinct rally around
the rails (the brass ones) with Am Com
Alcohol doing a brisk business. F & J
(Frank and Jacks) opened strong but
closed quickly on account of revenue
agents.
Checker Cab did a heavy business on
account of the rain as did United Rub-
ber. Houdaille absorbed some punish-
ment, Goodyear skidded off, and Otis
Elevator dropped right out of the bot-
tom of the page. :
We are please to
announce the ass-
ociation with us of
3 SHERIFFS
2 PINKERTON MEN
67 BILL COLLECTORS
Downe & Out
Members of the Unemployed
52 Wall St. New York
Telephone-Dis-connected
— INVESTMENT
ADVICE
We have fired our
Statistical Department
but our office boy will
be glad to give you ad-
vice and it's just as good.
QUIT, TRYON & CO.
50 Wall St. New York
38
The Market at a Glance
Money
Scarce
Stocks
Lower
Bonds
Still lower
Cotton
Mammy!
Grain
In the bag!
WIDE CHANGE
IN STOCKS
Goofy’s Illustrates Drop
in Rails
Illustrating the striking change in
rails in the fiscal year ending St. Swi-
thin’s Day, Goofy’s Investor’s Service
has prepared a chart reproduced below,
based on price movements in Forty lead-
ing stocks.
Standing-
Sitting-
Standing
ZILCH & ZILCH
Established 1883
And we're no better
off today than we
were then.
25 Broad St. New York
WHAT BROKERS SAY
Downe & Out-—We feel that there
will be a quickening—(Note—Couldn’t
catch last words as Mr. Downe was
out the window).
Gettem, Catchem & Holdem—Can’t
ya’ see the “closed” sign on the door?
Hoppe, Skipp & Jump—Aw nuts!
Up & Attem—We’'re looking forward
to tomorrow. Evangeline Adams says
it’s going to be a swell day.
Spider & Fly—!!F/45$ | ***F 11!
THE LONDON
~ MARKET
London, Sept 25.—Financial condi-.
tions in London are very foggy with a
bally wind coming in from the channel,
old fellow. H’s have dropped to noth-
ing, monocles are holding on by an
eyelash, and even the bloody tea is
weak.
How’v’er England expects every man
to do his duty. The Bank of England
still stands, so does Ramsay MacDon-
ald and Brittania rules the wave!
Announcement
Sadder, Budwiser
& Co.
100 Broadway, New York
have retired from
business and we
don't give a damn
who knows it.
1. M. Sadder
|. B. Sadder
©. Sadder
©. Budwiser
G. Budwiser
And all the
Little Budwisers
Please Omit Flowers
Sept. 25, 1931
PS
ee es eee
THE GAY NINETIES
Belly Laughs of Forty Years Ago
The Midnight Feast Contentment
40
Cycles play a part in every sport. It’s certainly fun to
RIDE A BIKE
erica is be-
coming Tricycle Conscious!
Every day, more and more
prominent Americans are
discarding their Rolls
Royces and Hispano Suizas
for the Tricycle!
With a Tricycle, you can
dodge in and out of traffic,
dodge your creditors. and
the high cost of living!
Get behind the handle-
bars of a Tricycle and en-
joy Free Wheeling!
Percival P. Downe, well known man-about-town,
and former member of Downe & Out, Stock Brokers,
awheel in Central Park. Mr. Downe says—‘“‘I don’t
know what I’d do without my tricycle—guess I’d
have to walk!’’
- Your local DEALER will show you latest models Tricycle: Trades of America,
SEL ST EO Wheeling, W. Virginia.
4\
a a ENS pI
‘ + een aerate ’
CELEBRITIES ENDORSE ADVERTISED PRODUCTS—
This Ad
written by
Calvin
Coolidge
cA Face Cream
GOOD complexion is a desirable thing to have.
All of us had good complexions at birth. But not
all of us have good complexions now.
Some of us live in the country; others live in the
city. Those who live in the country should take
greater care of their complexions than those who
live in the city. But those who live in the city
should also take care of their complexions.
Sun and wind are not good for the complexion.
There is sun and wind in the country. And there
is sun and wind in the city. Therefore we should
avoid sun and wind for the sake of our complexions.
FACEBALM
Good for the Complexion
——,
si
ey
This Ad
by Texas
Guinan
HELLO SUCKER!
OME on now! Give this little Investment
House a GREAT BIG HANDful, of money!
| Your bankroll doubles overnight and how!
Step right up, Suckers! We'll give you a RING-
SIDE table on the GROUND FLOOR!
JIPPEM, JIPPEM & HOWE
Investment Securities
180 Wall St.,
(Now 22.)
42
Your Baby—
and Mine
My baby has a baby carriage,
And she got it without marriage,
It’s a sweet V-16,
And it runs on gasoline.
—Daddy.
Ir will be denied, but the
BoOUNZING BABY BUGGY is
a honey... . it’s just the
thing for that blessed event
expecting ...
you re you
and you and you and you!
BOUNZING
BABY BUGGY
YOU wx
NERO BEER
ELSE!
Our agent will call.
This Ad
written
by
Walter
Winchell
This Ad
by
Al
Ca pone
This one
M ss
d eggs
land wan.
All in a Day
|A LITTLE girl stood on
the corner of 42nd Street
and Broadway selling flow-
ers. Her clothes were ragged,
there were no soles to her
shoes, and her face was pale
It was snowing
mother was
hard. Her
| slowly dying of starvation,
her father had just been
run over by a Rolls Royce,
| her baby sister had the hoof
and mouth disease, and her
baby brother had just fallen
|off the tower of the Empire
State building. The janitor
had dispossessed them, they
had had no food in six weeks,
and a policeman had just
i told her to move on.
As a passing horse kicked
her, a gentleman in evening
clothes stepped up and leered
at her frail body.
“Vil
violets!” he said, then with
a fiendish laugh, he knocked
them all into the muddy
Great White Way
SEALPACK
buy your goddam
IHANDKERCHIEFS
WHY NOT LET THEM WRITE THE ADS, TOO?
3 This one
“By God, they’re good!” | svi,
Haystak cigarettes are not only
damn good cigarettes; they’re a hell
of a lot better than any other ciga-
rette, and by God, anyone that says
they’re not is a blankety
blank fool!
HAYSTAK
A Damn Good Smoke
- the Smith's
RAUCUS
RADDIO
Let’s take a look at the
record ! 2,168
Raucus Rappios on Pok
Avenya and there are
3,956 Raucus Rappios on Thoid Avenya! That shows
conclusively that RAucus RApp1os are the most pop-
ular raddios on the market!
RAUCUS RADDIOS
The People’s Cherce
There are
43
The AUTOFLYRO is absolutely foolproof . . .
it will land on a dime... turn handsprings ... roll
over and play dead .. . with its twelve propellors,
it will take you there and bring you back . . . that
is, if you can figure out which propellor to use.
THE AUTOFLYRO
POW!
Ou OWN TALKIES
THE MAHARAJAH'S REVENGE
é THE FRIENDLY ANACHRONISM.
——g © ee
Chapler 1-2-3-4-5 and ©.
y Gee Tamer was a reamer in an asterisk factory.
| He didnt like his job.
He didnt like any thing!
~ dow, ve
Nh eS -
\
Pretty Picture of Fomeo
reaming asberisks.
Comes oe J omeo,
7 = - Little boidie in the Cree
Hehas 3 tl o Fre 3
= IT bet Aes Aapprerr 7 & Le,
=> Th’ fitle son- of -a.- gun.
One dey lee the bush wasn & looking Doves Sewed
six of the most este asterisks to the [x x *. * *
lining of his pink vest. VALUABLE STERIKS
That night | he left the a we
factory never to return &.
, gen Cie ee
a we ae
He rnade his way a) ‘the rivers edge | just 11 Time to see a lady
Tem robot from Wall st! a. res Har the second time.
, SAFE “How these Wall St. things fluctuate." he :
\\ ME 4 remarked as she yelled, “Sure ME! OH, SAFE me!
at heart wes a poet. (chy es 8 he was! )
‘Aint that the limit?" said our very intellectual hero, “ I quit the
asterisk factory and meet a lady robot,
and right away Im ASTERISK my
life for her."
‘But he couldnt safe ms | ON
He didnt have any sate
So he threw her a HN preserver. Tt hit heron the head.
A So ad "the life preserver.
CRomeo traded his treasured asterisks
to an antique
dealer for an old
whip-socke(- and
(f a banana. ye, “4
SURE AND READ wo
pr prot Caliere e
| GREaT STOR»
The “Purple Passion”
“Who shot Peter Arnica’
Cie ss es fcital! be 958!
35 he ate the banana. /,)
%
we. ;
BAU H00. niefins, AG 3
WHOSE EYES?
LOOK AGAIN!
These tragic eyes belong to a well |
known Screen Star who got into the
wrong bungalow. Name _ below*.
soothing to
sore eyes
If you suffer from sore eyes, —
itching eyes, watering eyes, —
Simoniz, drop a few quarts of
Morine in your eyes. You'll
never look the same again.
ORINE.
FOR Your
EYES
BALLYHOO’S
SHOPPING
SERVICE
If you dislike shopping (and who
doesn't!) take advantage of Bally-
hoo's Free Shopping Service. For
example, if you want to send Aunt
Minnie a subscription to Ballyhoo just
send the $1.80, and Aunt Min's ad-
dress, to us and we'll take care of it!
45
Mon.
Tues.
Fri.
Oct.
Nov.
Dec.
1931 1932
renesgy dine ise slowly?
OCS your energy Ine TISC SLOW a (
Here is a wake-up bath that sends energy up, up, up - (nlanlly
MAS* people wake up
slowly, many people
never wake up at all.
This is because they do
not take enough baths. Baths
bring energy, enthusiasm,
alertness. :
The real go-getter takes
about twenty baths a day—
that’s why he gets so many
orders! We don’t know how
he has any time to get orders,
if he takes so many baths but
we won't go into that.
The wake-up bath de-
scribed in our free _ book-
let, wakes you up instantly.
Here is the wake-up bath
that our Book of Cléanliness
recommends. Fill the tub full
of gin, then dive in. Splash
around in it.. It makes the
nerves tingle and the skin
_ glow, you'll be surprised how
peppy you'll feel after such
a bath! : 7
Send for our Book of Clean-
liness, which describes 50 dif-
ferent baths.
Remember it is free.
THE CLEANLINESS INSTITUTE
Established to promote public welfare and the sale of bath tubs, soaps, etc.
46
ee mers ane aa RRR eS eI ra
ie Obs
2
rs Oona oa
bled A O o
‘oe oe yen
Ss aoe ie
' a
O gs Mcgee €
YU
es eS
To ee
= fo) ge, °C
fog oo ES
Cs es ST ie Eg
E oS Gl Bee” S
a eee i ee a Veh ae
Cea 1-5 2 oF he OMe}
A es ee ete
is oF ee Br ses oO
O
a ae we) Ge. eee 8
Cex Ga ~ Hg ey =
a ian") MOM 3$o fod
“eS ee 8 Se
Ra Se wy ld a
DN a ne
3 S eae in a &
HERE’S SOMETHING NEW IN A COUPON!
Ballyhoo, } 3
100 5th Ave., New York City
Dear Ballyhoo—
| I've never clipped or signed a coupon because they never give you enough room
to write your name! However, I like your coupon, and am enclosing $1.80 for 1 yr. of Ballyhoo.
Nam
Address
IN THE NEXT COLOSSAL ISSUE
OF BALLYHOO
GEORGE
BERNARD SHAW!
ELINOR GLYN
AN EXCLUSIVE ARTICLE BY
PRESIDENT pee ve
A NEW STORY BY
MARY ROBERTS RINEHART |
RUPERT HUGHES —
RUDY VALLEE’S
~ LOVE LIFE
GRETA GARBO’S DIARY
‘Tm always in on Advertising Conferences
99
yet you'll find me in Halls of Learning
Advertising giants at work. Ten great minds with
but a single thought—“I’ll pretend I’m thinking and
maybe one of these other birds will think of an idea!’ It
is here that a Hesterfield comes to the rescue. A man
can’t fall asleep with a lighted cigarette in his mouth!