HIGH SOCIETY
Hints on how to Attain, Relish - and Survive It
<3x^FISH
^'(^ A Pictorial Guide to Life in Our Upper Circles j|
STOP!
No reader will be permitted to pass beyond this
page who is not actually in society. This book is
not for those who dwell in the gloom of mere respect-
ability, or the blaze of sheer wealth. It is a pasturage
intended solely for those who bask in the sunlight of
the smartest society.
Those whose social standing could conceivably be
classed with that of brewers, green-grocers, minor
poets, munition magnates, linen drapers, provincial
actors, and cubist sculptors, tmisl not trespass within
these covers.
BUT —
If your name appears in all the Social Directories;
if you are a member of six or eight fashionable clubs;
if you never plan a dinner without unpotting a pound
or so of pat^ de f oie gras ; if you never witness an
opera except from an opera box ; if you never go to
the city except in an imported motor-car, why then
just knock at the title page, open the door, walk in,
take off your monocle — or your turreted tiara — and
make yourself perfectly at home.
AN INVITATION TO THE
READER
Elucidating the Little May-Pole
Festival on the following page
Reader, will you join a gay dance
Of the younger Social Set,
And, amid their merry May-dance,
Personally pirouette?
Don a garment, smart and snappy,
Wear your most engaging smile.
Banish boredom and be happy —
In the world of chic and style.
Cedric woos Celeste — who dances —
Vowing love that never dies;
Ethel sees adoring glances
In athletic Albert's eyes;
Peter — solvent as Macenas,
Lures a mermaid to the shore,
Telling her she looks like Venus,
Which, of course, she's heard before.
You may dance, while Signor Cupid
Fiddles an entrancing tune;
Or, if you find jazzing stupid,
There are gardens — and a moon!
Life, and all its animation
Bids us join the mad melee.
And, to use an old quotation,
Gather rose-buds while we may.
Every make of merry mortal.
Wise or otherwise, is here.
And this page is but the portal
Of another world made clear.
Yes, a world, and you may buy it
In this giddy, gaudy book.
Though, of course, I can't deny it
Has a rather Fish-y look !
G. S. C.
The Social Meiiv
Go- Round
The artist is tile director, the book a many-colored whirhgig. Group after group revolves before us, while the artist smiles with
an arch, faintly satiric smile, pointing out to us the weaknesses of the participants in this sacred social world, a delightfully gay
throng, constantly occupied in singing, cajoling, feasting, playing, and dancing. Each of the characters in this book recognizes
only one duty toward himself — not to be bored — and one law toward his neighbors — not to bore them. The wheel of the merry-
go-round turns again; color is blurred with color; figure succeeds figure. Montez, Monsieur, montez, Madame. The show begins.
HIGH SOCIETY
ivice as to Social Campaigning,
and Hints on tKe Management of
Dowagers, Dinners, Debutantes, Dances,
and ihe Thousand and One Diversions of
Persons of Quality
TTie Drawings Ly
FISH
The Prose Precepts by
DOTLOTHY PARKER
GEORGE S. CHAPPELL
and
FRANK CROWNINSHIELD
G.P.PUTNAM'S SONS ♦ NEW YORK and LONDON
(The IRnickcrbocker iPrcss
HINT TO HIGHWAYMEN
Copyright, 1915. 1916. 1917. 1918. 1919. 1920. by the
VANITY FAIR PUBLISHI.NG COMPANY. INC.
Copyright. 1920. by G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS
Fish, And
Her Work
When, in the summer of 1914, certain remarkable
drawings of social life, by a new hand, began to appear,
in Vanity Fair 'm New York, and in Tlic Tatler in London,
people all over the world stared at them, amazed, amused,
admiring. Then they stared at each other, demanding,
with one voice: "Who, under the sun, is Fish?"
Meantime, a tall, slender young girl of twenty-two
was drawing the pictures that were helping to keep
laughter alive during those dark days — and troubling
very little indeed as to whether
Fame's wandering searchlight
would ever find her out.
That girl was "Fish,"
deemed to-day, by many critics,
the most distinguished of satiri-
cal black-and-white illustrators.
Miss Fish has created, on
that miraculous drawing-board
of hers, a complete human
society, as original and amusing
as the worlds of George Du
Maurier and Charles I3ana
Gibson. It is a world popu-
lated by young-old matrons, as-
toundingly mature young girls,
Victorian lady remnants, re-
splendent captains of industry,
pussy-footing English butlers,
amourous nursemaids, race ' ,,,,,,, , ,
touts, yearning young lovers,
swanking soldiers, blank and vapid bores, bridge-playing
parsons, and middle-class milUonaires. But, for all its
sophistication, it is a world of innocence. The creatures
in it are of a touching simplicity, an incredible naivete.
Fish is one of the only caricaturists who has ever
done this sort of satire without malice — who has ever
treated the poor, misguided children of this world as if
they were really children.
But there is beauty in her extraordinary gallery, as
well as caricature. The patterns on her flappers' gowns
are like laces and hangings by Beardsley; a Pomeranian
lying on a rug, becomes a patch of elegant scrollery, like
a detail in a Japanese print. There is no trace at all, in
her drawings, of the hackneyed conventions of illustra-
tion : everything in them is presented through the medium
of an original feeling for form. Even her profiteering
millionaires become designs made up of deft and satis-
fying curves. Her sketches are creations not only of a
clever and sophisticated intelligence, but of a true artist.
In depicting fashionable society Miss Fish is per-
haps at her best, for the reason
that the spectacle which seems
to interest her most is that
pageant of "smart" types that
race, as if by magic, to her
drawing-board, from every
haunt of social life — from opera
boxes, ballrooms, race-meets,
cabarets, smart supper parties,
dinners of state, musicales, and
the thousand and one happy
backgrounds against which the
contemporary beau monde is
wont to pose and posture.
In the pages of this book
the reader will meet only with
Miss Fish's social creations:
the double-decked dowagers,
the amateur vampires, the
horsey horsemen, the diaboli-
i" cally clever little debutantes,
the tango addicts, the incurable bridge-players, the
worn-out week-end hostesses, and the myriad types
of human beings that seem perpetually to haunt the
portals of our most exalted society.
For six years, Miss Fish's sketches have appeared,
in America, only in Vanity Fair. For the past two
years the British public has only seen her work in Vogue
(the British edition), and in The Patrician, — the English
edition of Vanity Fair. All the drawings in this book
appear here with the permission of Conde Nast, the
publisher of Vogue, Vanity Fair, and The Patrician.
The Editor.
List Of Contents
In Which the Scenes and the Principal Characters Are Revealed
The Opening of the Social Season
How the Members of the Beau Monde will Spend what is Left of their War-time Incomes
The Opera, in Full Blast
Showing that Things are Sounding Much as Usual at the Opera this Year
Keeping on with the Dance
You Will Certainly be Considered a Social Pariah if you don't Dance the Night Out .
Getting On, in Smart Society
If, at First, You Don't Succeed, Dine 'em and Dine 'em Again ....
Hints on Honeymoons— for the Very Rich
How to Make a Smart Honeymoon — Comparatively Speaking — Agreeable
The Poets that Bloom in the Spring
A Popular New Pastime in Smart Society — the Matinee Poetique ....
The Art Exhibition: Opening Day
After All, There is Nothing Like Modern Sculpture to Stimulate the Imagination
A. Week-End with the Recently Rich
Showing that a Profiteer is Without Honour in his Own Country ....
3n the Trail of the Concert Lovers
"Among Those Present" — at all the Smart Concert Halls
The Trials of the Newly Poor
A Heart-Rending Picture of Life as it is Lived Behind Aristocratic Doors .
The Prize Fight Finally Gets into Society
The Smartest Diversion is now the Science of the Swat and the Slam
Dreadful Moments in Society
Embarrassing Little Episodes which Might Happen to Even the Best of Us
3n the Trail of a Wife
Detours on the Road to Matrimony
Divorce: A Great Indoor Sport
It is Beginning to Rank First among our Fashionable and Popular Pastimes
Wild Bores We Have Met
Question! Who— in Society— is the Unadulterated, loo Per Cent Bore? .
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24
26
28
The Throes of First Love, in Society
A Few Fashionable Little Variations on the Oldest Theme in the World
A Calendar of Popular Outdoor Sports
As Practised among Persons of Breeding and Quality ......
The Seven Deadly Temperaments
As Frequently Met With in the Ladies
Six Brands of Week-End Hostesses
It's a Lusty Life, if You Don't Week-End
After-the-War Servant Problems
How the Great Conflict Ended the Golden Days of Service in the Houses of the Elect
Advice to the Lovelorn
What Every Girl Should Know, Before Choosing a Husband
The (3pen Season for Strikes
If you Don't See What you Want, Strike for It •
The Art of Fashionable Portraiture
You Can't be Quite " It, " Without the Aid of a Alodernist Artist ....
Social Superstitions
With Very Special Obeisances to Cupid
Who's Who— in the Audience
Showing that the Smart Playgoer, Not the Smart Play, is Really the Thing
The Horrors of the Week-End
From the Tortured Hostess's Poirit of View
When Marriage Is a Failure— Cherchez La Femme
Have You a Little Failure in Your Home?
Opening of the Opera Season
The Opera Opened— To Crowded Boxes— With the Usual Performance of "Aida"
Blighters at Bridge
A Terrifying Triumvirate of Familiar Lady Auction Pests
The Way to Succeed on the Stage
A Lady, Once a Creature of Fashion, and Now a Famous Actress, Tells of Her Success
Sports for the Summer
The Increasingly Feminine Tone of Our Outdoor Diversions . . . . ■
Sea Bathing has become the King of All the Dry Sports
Fashionable Debutantes Who Sojourn by the Sea
The Strategy and Finesse of Proposing
Advance Leaves from the 1921 Handbook of Courtship. . • • • ■
Palmy Days at the Seaside
Sights at the Bathing Resorts When the Season for Salt Water is Declared On .
An Interview with a Great Dancer
Privileged Peeps into the Soul of Mile. Angeline, of Paris
HIGH SOCIETY
THE RESTAURANTS
The season in the restaurants has opened strong. And
the worst of it is that the ladies will spend all their time in
these blessed robbers' dens. Tell a woman that her place
is in the home and — but you wouldn't do anything as rude
as that, would you? There are two other discouraging
things about women in a restaurant: first, that they won't
ever go home, and second, that they won't ever sit down.
Here we see a tragedy illustrating both of these points.
Muriel, who long ago finished her luncheon simply will
not join the gentleman in the hallway (the one who looks
a little like President Wilson), although the poor creature
has been waiting for twenty minutes. And her charming
little vis a vis, Esme by name (the one with the lap dog
that looks like a three-leaved clover), has, on her side,
been keeping her fiance standing at attention for a similar
period of time — and, all because the two dears have such
thrilling and wonderful things to talk about.
The Opening of the
Social Season
How the Members of the Beau Monde
Will Spend What Is Left of
Their War-time Incomes
THE HORSE SHOW
Here we see the horse show in full blast. Here you will
see everybody happy, everybody occupied, scandals
energetically and effectually discussed, meetings arranged
in whispers, society reporters calling everybody by their
wrong names, and everybody paying the strictest atten-
tion to everything about them — except the horses.
THE FASHION FETES
Perhaps the most delightful social occasion of all
— at least as far as married men are concerned—
is the winter Fashion Fete at Luciline's_ select
little dressmaking establishment. In the picture,
you will observe a married gentleman, accom-
panied by his gross tonnage. The poor man is not
at all listening to Mme. Luciline; no, he is gazing
wistfully and, with eyes aflame, toward the
wholly divine young ladies who, every season,
do so much toward making the happy modes
and unmaking the unhappy marriages. "How
different would have been my life," he reflects,
"had I met one of those limp and sinuous
sirens before I took up with my Henrietta."
The Opera, in Full Blast
Showing That Things Are Sounding Much
as Usual At the Opera This Year
AN OPERATIC DUET
For upward of a generation, now, operatic and musical mat-
ters have gone along much as usual at our opera house.
It's always dangerous to be different, or original, or divert-
ing. Literally, the only novel thing that has happened at
the opera this season is that the director's box, which has
always been empty, was, at one performance last week,
tenanted by a young gentleman in our best society, along
with a tiny little friend of his. To see this usually dim,
untenanted cave so decoratively occupied was a welcome
change in the monotony of a somewhat uneventful season.
HOME, SWEET HOAIE
Below, you will behold a little scene in Pneumonia Alley
otherwise known as the lobby of the opera. It is here that
all of our best people gather, after the opera, and wait for
hours for their flunkeys and limousines. Fashionable
personages are really much cleverer than mere people are
wont to suppose. After twenty years of hard study, they
have finally devised a system by which — after the opera—
they can wait around in the lobby for their motors and
reach their houses only an hour later than they would if
they left by the main door and picked up a passing taxi.
HEARTS AND FLOWERS
One of the great tragedies of life is that men and women
have a way of saying pleasant things to your face, and
truthful things behind it. Nowhere is this practice more
prevalent than in grand opera. Above, for instance, you
will observe a portrait of Signor Enrico Scottinelli, butter-
ing with fair words the bewitching .soprano. Nothing
could exceed the sweetness of his remarks to her, during
the opera. You know the remarks we mean: "Your eyes
are radiant arrows in my soul. Your lips are torments to
my heart. Look at me, and an eagle lifts my feet; kiss me,
and pansies blossom in my breast." It's all very operatic
and charming, but, back of the scenes — oh my! — what a
difference! — "You call yourself an artist! You, who paid
a press agent for every line you ever got in a newspaper!
You who were hissed at Monte Carlo. You, who are only
kept on here at the opera in order to save storage charges
on your body at the warehouse! A singer! Ha! ha! ha!
Why don't you go back to washing? An artist! Cor^jo di
Bacco' Why don't you go back to scrul^bing floors? You,
who stand there dressed up like Marguerite! Where is
your fur, where are your claws, where are your shiny yellow
eyes, cat that you are!" All of this, disheartening and
saddening as it is, only proves that social amenities at the
opera are very much as they arc with us all in real life.
THE SPELL OF MUSIC
Why is it, we wonder, that the people in the first
tier boxes at the opera always seem like human
beings. Even their tiaras, feathers, and red Indian
facial accoutrements, fail wholly to remove them
from the category of living creatures. But the in-
habitants of the second tier boxes arc, somehow, a
race apart. Their faces, figures, fans, hair, and
bodily habiliments all somehow take on a strange,
wild note. "Are they human?" we ask ourselves,
"or are they merely some wax figures which we, as
children were wont to admire?" In the sketch
we see a group of these second-tier creatures suffer-
ing intensely under the spell of the director's baton.
5
LES TROIS CORYPHEES
Above is pictured a bright moment from the Ballet
of the Rosebud— one of the lighter, sweeter forms of
ballet. The plot concerns the love of the Rosebud
for the South Wind — the sex interest is always de-
veloped early in these little dramas— and it shows
how he subsequently leaves her ruthlessly- — as it's
against the rules for any ballet to end happily. This
scene shows a Trio of Spring Flowers, in action.
THE EIGHT HOUR NIGHT
Below is an intimate glimpse of any gathering any
evening, anywhere in the, broadly speaking, civilized
world. Now that the war is really over, something
had to be found to keep all the men interested,— so
the dance habit has come back more strongly than
ever. If he can only have seven or eight hours of
fox-trotting every evening, a young man will get so
that he hardly misses his bayonet practise at all.
Keeping on With the Dance
You Will Certainly Be Considered a Social Pariah if You Don't Dance the Night Out
In spite of sporadic outbursts of protest from non-dancing editors of hearth-
side magazines, the dance craze is still going strong. In fact, it's more violent
than it ever was; it is no longer a mere craze — it has reached the point of
frenzy. Any kind of dance goes (whether in Rome, Madrid, New York, Paris
or London ) from the intricacies of the Russian ballet on the stage of the opera,
to the simple little fox-trot in the privacy of your own home. Joy has never
been so completely unconf ned as it is this season; everybody is going on — and
on — with the dance. You simply can't get away from it. No matter
where you go, some form of dancing is sure to come into your life, someone is
certain to appear suddenly and dance with, beside, in front, or all over you.
6
MORNING— IN THE PARK
Somebody once got all worked up about dancing and called
it the poetry of motion; if you want to go right along with
the idea, you might speak of barefoot dancing as the vers
libre of motion. No one is quite certain of what it's
all about. The lady in this sketch, a disciple of the
art, has left home to run wild in the park at dawn,
in a little dance called " The Birth of the Crocus."
A LEGEND OF RUSSIA
A quiet corner of the Ballet Russe — one of the calmest
moments in the company's entire repertory. Both the
lady and gentleman are, of course, stars of the Imperial
Ballet of Moscow— they always are. Any male dancer
wearing trick red boots, and any female dancer whose
costumes are designed by Bakst, instantly becomes a star
of the Imperial Theatre of Moscow. This is a scene from
"The Golden Vodka," a drama all about the love of the
Princess Soviet for Nikailovitch, the handsome samovar.
,~]ii::m::M:xM:::m]:m-im!!M::»..^
THE SOCIETY DERVISHES
This is whatsomccuphemisthas delicatelycalled "ballroom
dancing." It occurs at least once in the course of every
musical comedv and variety show. The male half of
the cast seems forever looking for an opportunity to toss
his partner out into the orchestra. Perhaps it's the elernent
of uncertaintv about this sort of dancing that makes it so
popular with the public; you never know at just what
moment it's going to prove too much of a strain for the
male member of the team, or when the lady m the case
is going to land, with a prettv informality, in your lap.
THE DAUGHTER OF HERODIAS
The Dance of Salome seems never to lose its
popularity — perhaps the secret of its appeal i
the sweet, wholesome joyousness of it all. It
requires very few properties. All a girl needs,
to give her own version of Salome's famous
specialtv, is a plated silver platter, a papier
mache head, and the usual lack of costume.
7
Getting On, in Smart Society
//, at First, You Don't Succeed, Dine 'em and Dine 'em Agian
IN THE INTELLECTUAL SET
The T. Pennypacker Higgiiigbothams reached the metropolis, a
short while ago, from the social ooze of the Texas oil fields. They
wanted to break into society, but, alas, a fondness for eating and "a
fortune of twenty millions were all that they had to do it with. These
pictures mirror their progress in the frigid marble-and-gold society
of our inhospitable city. They are here shown at their first impor-
tant dinner — a httlc repast of eight — at their palace, a palace which,
architecturally considered, is a cross between the Temple of Karnak
and Charing Cross Station. They are wisely beginning their social
climb among the intellectual set. Brains are the best things to climb
on until you get fairy high up, when you can safely discard them.
Reading from left to right, T. Pennypacker Higgingbotham ; Marietta
Pillsbury Powyss, author of "The Fear of Love," "More Than
Kisses"; Frederick von Nippelzow, Professor of Czech, and the Slav
and Bulgar languages at Oxford ; Miss Sophronisba Ottway, Japanese
lacquer worker, Etruscan embosser, designer of Indian art-jewelry;
Guido Bruno Pfaff, lecturer on Malthusianism, Mendelism and sea
worms; Babette La Rue, smock designer, garden-stick maker, flower-
pot vamisher, book-end painter, art stenciler and jig-saw artist;
Bliss Merriweather Gow, play-reader, author of nine Shakespearean
masques, creator of a ballet entitled "The Birth of Passion"; and,
finally, the dazed Hostess, about to go down for the third time.
HEARTS AND DIAMONDS
The Higgingbothams were told that they could do nothing with-
out a social secretary. They accordingly engaged Miss Audrey
De Verc, a young lady of lineage. Audrey smokes, drinks, and
plays "poker": she also knows how to get first-night tickets at
the theatres and an outside table at a cabaret. She can mix
eleven different kinds of cocktails with only one bottle of gin, one
lemon, two bottles of Vermouth and a single olive. She is en-
gaged to a war hero — her vis-a-vis at this table. The dinner has
been cleared away and Audrey and her friends have just finished
a little session with the cards. Net result: the T. Pennypacker
Higgingbothams are minus the value of one small Texas oil well.
Front elevation of Air. and Mrs. H. at
the head of the grand stairway leading to
the gold organ room in their palace.
Mr. and Mrs. H. are expecting forty more
or less strangers to dine with them.
Gold favors will be found under the nap-
kins. Twenty pairs of footmen's calves, in
wood, have just been successfully adjusted
by the H's footmen, in the magenta and
gold dining room, brought, at some ex-
pense, from Verocchio's palace in Venice.
8
THE ATTACK ON BOHEMIA
The Higgingbothams have not, on the whole, been very
successful in their attacks on the smart set, so they are at
present engaged in entertaining Bohemia. Here you see a
section of it let loose in the Verocchio dining-room. Reading
from left to right: Mr. H., somewhat at a loss to know how to
manage the bright young thing on his left; Miss Tessie True-
fitt, artists' model, understudy to a barefoot dancer, poses for
Jo Davidson; Le Roy Eastman, sociahst, drawing room an-
archist, author of "The Red Flag in Spain," lectures on Gov-
ernment Ownership of Women; Thcda B. Small, film vampire,
the worst woman in the city, rolls her own cigarettes, never
wears stockings; Archibald Witherspoon Troutt, fashion
artist, introduced the hoop in men's evening coats, is suing
Lady Duff Gordon for stealing his ideas (note the Byron collar
and the Hero tie); Polly Pym, keeps a restaurant in the
Apache region— paper napkins, waiters in red shirts, pipe
smoking allowed, ean de quinine served from straw bottles,
choral singing and recitations; Aristede Le Blanc, French
Impressionist, paints with a palette knife; and, finally, poor
Mrs. H., speechless at the wild and wanton scene around,
SUCCESS AT LAST
The Higgingbothams have had bad luck with
their dinners and have now decided to try noth-
ing but little suppers after the opera. Here we
iiehold them with Mr. and Mrs. Lestranges, who
compose the thickest part of the social cream.
The Higgingbothams have at last arrived. They
have a loge at the opera and know so many great
people that they can perfectly well afford to dis-
card all their intellectuals, social secretaries and
Bohemians— all of them now unnecessary and
de trop. The Lestranges have already refused
three courses at supper and are now engaged in
inspecting the little Escargots, a la Melha.
HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW
Mr. Higgingbotham has at last been
permitted to join an ancient social
club. He is here enjoying a bottle or
two of his famous private stock.
Veuve Clicquot, 18S3, gray label, silver
foil: only two cases in the world — and
Mr. Higgingbotham owns them both.
9
Hints on Honeymoons — For the Very Rich
How to Mak^ a Smart Honeymoon — Comparatively Speaking — Agreeable
PEACE HATH HER VICTORIES
A type of honeymoon which is not seen very much now is the
War Brand. The lady mooner in the sketch below (she is the
one leaning against the tree) is Colonel of the First Daffodils,
and, of course, the flower of the regiment. The gentleman
mooner is the Captain of the 7th Scotch Sodas. _ They
are taking their honeymoon in little slices, between drills, as
it were; not a bad system, as it prevents the happy young war-
riors from becoming fed up with the sweetness of love.
THE COTTAGE OF DREAMS
Oh, honeymooners, do you remember the little creeper-covered
cottage to which You and She planned to fly immediately after
the Voice had breathed o'er Eden? It was millions of miles
from home, that little rose-colored paradise, and there wasn't
to be any telephone, and letters were not to be forwarded, and
mother couldn't annoy you, and you were going to pick hearts-
ease in the garden, — and then you found you couldn't afford
it, and so you settled in a suburban villa in solitary exile.
ALONE, AT LAST
The moment in the honeymoon, which is pictured below, is
technically known as the enfin seuls. The parents have been
banished, the best man is still in wine; the bridemaids are at
the photographer's, the footmen have gone to chase up the
entree, and the lovers are at last alone with their J-HOY.
What a bhssful moment! Six months later a moment like this
is a bit of a bore. Any third person then, even a dun from the
tailor, would be welcome, for love, alas, is like caviare; a
little indigestible— unless consumed in very small portions.
10
WATER, WATER, EVERYWHERE
The yachting honeymoon is always a mistake. If anybody offers you a yacht for your honeymoon don't accept it. The
trouble with the ocean, for social purposes, is that it has no kind of taxi service. Take the case of Mr. and Mrs. Boodle-
Beauty who would have died of loneliness if it hadn't been for bridge. Fortunately, a cook and a sailor knew their way
about the card deck. Hearts would come into the bridegroom's hand, but, with the bride, everything was diamonds.
THE EXPRESS TO EDEN
Showing the bride and groom at the station just
before the departure of the Eden express. Note
the almost amorous gentleness with which the
sentimental porters are caring for the slippered
luggage. Good luck to you, happy newlyweds,
before you pass into the Beatific Blue! Good
luck, and here's hoping that the train is a limited
express, with no "stop-overs" in Nevada.
AMOUR DE VOYAGE
Of course, most honeymoons take place at hotels. Such won-
derful food, and such dim, religious comers in the corridors.
And it makes letters home so ridiculously easy. "Dear
Mamma, and all: Arthur and I arrived last night. So, so
happy. We are very comfortable. Arthur tries to be very
cruel, but, so far, I have had no trouble in sitting on him."
II
The Poets That Bloom in the Spring
A Popular New Pastime in Smart Society -the Matinee Poetique
New York, and other American cities, have lately had a visiting
procession of foreign poets. Robert Nichols, W. B. Yeats, Siegfried
Sasson, John Drinkwater and Lord Dunsany have given ringing
poetry recitals, and added greatly to their laurels. Here we have the
latest arrival from English shores, Lonsdale Thornditch, the young
poet, who finds compensation for the indifference of the British
public by reciting his verse to the appreciative audience of America.
With the present rate of exchange, and everything, Mr. 'J'hornditch
feels very well compensated. He is here scon in the futuristic salon of
Mrs. Updike Jones, in New York, reading from his still-unpublished
volume, " Skeletons in Scarlet." His poems are most effective when
read aloud, as may be judged from observing the prostrate illuminati
about him. We cannot see why this pretty idea of lending literati
to other lands should not be taken up by America. Why not redeem
America's literary debt and introduce the people of England to
the joys — and even horrors- — of the imported poetry recital.
12
The Art Exhibition: Opening Day
After All, There Is Nothing Like Modern Sculpture to Stimulate the Imagination
There was a time when one visited the Natural History Museums to observe
Nature's latest vagaries in the shape of undeveloped amoebic in bowls, rudi-
mentary horns on recently unearthed amphibians, and models of funny little
muffins, and green lizards, who had gone wrong while still in a pre-natal state.
Now one may see all these little jokes of Mother Nature at any fashionable
exhibition of ultra modernist sculpture. The city is full of them. You are
probably familiar with them. Here, for instance, are a few, which have been
named by their creators as follows — reading from left to right — along the very
top row: "The Birth of Love," "Portrait of Mv Wife," "Study of a lady,"
"Fruitage," "Inhibited Motherhood" and, finallv, The Death of "Libido."'
13
A Week-End With
the Recently Rich
Showing That a Profiteer Is Without
Honour in His Olvn Country
OUR HERO
Mr John R Blivvins, of America, one of the leading figures in
that noble band of munitions factory owners who did such yeo-
man servic(^for themselves— all through the great conflict.
However, even though peace is here, there is still work to be done
—Mr Bliwins is about to crash in on British society. By way ot
a start in the right direction, he has purchased— at lo per cent
discount for cash— an ancestral estate equipped with all the
modem conveniences, including built-in butlers, hot and cold
running footmen at all hours, and a resident bishop. Everything
goes with the estate but the title, and Mr. Bliwins looks to his
attractive daughter, Angelica, to furnish that, by marrying one.
A HORRIBLE MOMENT
Up to this moment, everything has gone along beautifully. An-
gelica has worked up a visiting Duke to the proposal point, and
Mr BHvvins has behaved so conservatively that the dinner
guests are on the verge of accepting him. And then he had to
wreck the entire works. Led away by too conscientious attention
to the products of the ancestral wine-cellar, Mr. B. is, w-lth un-
fortunate geniality, insisting that the footman try one of his best
cigars The Duke might overlook this, but the footman— never.
THE COMMITTEE OF
WELCOME
This moment marks the dawn of
a new life for the Bliwins family.
Their future seems to be prac-
tically assured. AngeHca, the
one and only daughter, has got
in some deadly work on one of
llic local Dukes, who has been
pressed into coming down for the
week-end. To make it all de-
lightfully homelike, the Duke
has brought along his sister, one
of the most unmarried noble-
women in the entire United
Kingdom. This charming little
domestic scene shows the arrival
of the guests, just at tea time.
.Angelica is going strong with the
Duke (his is the third figure
from the right— the clean-cut,
red-blooded lad of barely seventy
summers). Mr. Blivvins is wel-
coming the bishop to the little
circle — a bishop is always so
ornamental when draped grace-
fully around a tea-table.
14
THE EROTIC MOTIVE
This jjicturc does not show the great moment in any
one of our popular farces,— it is far more tragic than
that. It shows Iiow Mr. Blivvins— always an artist
at that sort of thing — has managed to get himself
disliked. In an absent-minded moment- — all life's
bitter tragedies happen in such moments- — our hero
has mistaken a door, and walked into the room where
the Duke's sister has retired to her chaste repose. The
noble vestal is defending her honor at the j5oint of a
curling-iron, shrieking, "Stop, villain, or I fire."
OX WITH THE DANCE
Things are looking considerably
brighter here. Angelica has had the
inspiration of injecting a little jazz
into the Duke's attentions. After
all, dukes are but human; they can't
hold out against a jazz. The noble
antitjue has dropped forty years
from his age, and is dancing with all
the abandon of a chorus man. Noth-
ing could be sweeter, so far as An-
gelica's proud parents are con-
cerned, but the bishop and the
Duke's sister, — oh. Heavens!
THE GRAND TOUR
A snappy little evening's entertain-
ment— Mr. Blivvins takes his guests
on a personally conducted tour of
the picture galleries, proudly point-
ing out all of his ancestral portraits
— that came with the house, when
he iiought it. Of course, a little of
that sort of thing is perfectly ripping,
but, after the first eight miles, pic-
ture galleries seem to pall a bit.
The Duke's sister is plainly bored.
THE BITTER END
And this is the hideous conclusion of
the whole affair. The Duke is in-
dubitably not as young as he used to
be, and the jazz dance has brought
on a complete breakdown. He has
to be ignominiously led away to
Mortgaged Towers, the ducal estate,
in a bath chair. The Blivvins
family plumbs the utmost depths of
gloom— and all bets on Angelica's
marriage into the British peerage
have been officially declared off.
15
THE DANCE OF THE GHOULS
A view of the extreme left wing of the balcony, during a piano
recital by the newest Russian prodigy. The members of this
exclusive little group simply don't know how they would ever
get along without music. If it weren't for music, they would
be absolutely powerless to express their souls. Nothmg is over
their heads. Debussy to them is just like nothing at all to
you or me, and they whistle catchv little tunes by Rimsky-
Koraskoff in their bath-tubs. Thev are shown here still a trifle
spent with enthusiasm after the pianist has obhged with one of
his own compositions, entitled, "Dance of the Ghouls.
LOXG MAY HE
PERMANENTLY WAVE
The world-famous pianist, who was
once told that he had a Beethoven-
like brow and has been dressing the
part ever since. He can only man-
age to work in one concert annually :
the rest of his time is taken up in
making phonograph and pianola
records, posing for heavily shadowed
photographs, paying premiums for
the insurance on his hands, and
lending atmosphere ' and tone to
the more exclusive studio teas.
NO COA.XING
The society soprano — always a feature of the pro-
gramme for the charity concert. It is pretty to see how
gladly she volunteers her services for such events: there
is no false modesty about it, no hanging back, no mak-
ing excuses, no insistence on being coaxed, no niggard-
liness as to encores. No, she steps right forward, bnngs
her music, supplies her own accompanist, and just lets
herself go. She is here portrayed at work, rendering,
by her own request, "Baby's Boat's the Silver Moon.
On the Trail of the Concert Lovers
"Among Those Present "—at All the Smart Concert Halls
l6
THE INFANT PRODIGY
The little dear has been appearing in public for the last four years-
she is soon to celebrate her seventh birthday — and has played in
every country in Europe, before all the royalty worth knowing, add-
ing materially to the uneasiness of the crowned heads. This wonder-
kiddie, as her press-agent so affectionately calls her, never had a
lesson in her life; it's a gift. It has also proved to be a gift to the
father of the phenomenon — he hasn't done a day's work in years.
THE MALE DUET
The male, broadly speaking, duct — a great favorite
with concert audiences. They go in strongly for the
brighter, cleaner school of song; they are particularly
good in those ballads alx)ut shepherds and shep-
herdesses, named Colin and Phyllis. They also get
in some really great work on the botanical numbens ;
those Heartbreaking ditties with the mild sex in-
terest, all about the love of the violet for the rose.
AMONG THOSE PRESENT
A pack of concert-hounds about to corner their prey — straining at their leashes in the foyer
of the concert hall, just before the performance gets under way. All the best-known types
of the species are here represented, from the strange beings who are here because they like
this sort of thing, to the pitiful creatures who have to come — because their wives like it.
17
The Trials of the Newly Poor
Jl Heart-rending Picture of Life as it is Lived Behind Aristocratic Doors
What a topsy-turvy old world it is. And how its recent
antics have upset our very highest Society ! For a smart
young Johnny to-day, Peace hath its horrors just as well
as War. Imagine being a Penniless Peer, as was young
Algernon Wemyss{of Wimbeldon) when sterling-exchange
suddenly established its low-visibility record. But, did
the brave lad falter? Well, hardlv. With only his coronet
for capital, he strolled into the pleasant supper parties, of
the musical comedy field, finally playing,with great success,
the title-rdle in " The Ideals of Algy," two of which he may
be seen embracing as he takes his first step toward rehabili-
tating the shattered fortunes of his proud old family.
BACK TO NATURE
But there was, to Algy, something rafflsh about the stage. Once
on his financial feet again, he realized that the smartest possible
form of trade, for a chap with his tastes, is that of the creator of
lovely frocks for lovely maidens. And— no sooner said than done !
In less than two weeks Algy was known, far and wide, as the man
who made Poiret take to French brandy. Algy's little shop was a
rendezvous for every fair lady with any pretensions to chu. But
alas' he hopelessly offended his very best customer, Mile. Nini
Latouche, of the Opera. Nini had him black listed everywhere,
with the result that the shutters were soon up at Algy's.
[MllMiMMlMMMM
THE PEER AND THE PERI
It is something of a drop from the frilk of fashion to the
grease and grime of being a fashionable chauffeur; but
needs must when the problem of high livinj; drives.
Having owned cars all his life, Algy naturally spoke the
language perfectly and found no difficulty in landing a
job with Abraham Ashurst, the Mattress King. Unfor-
tunately, Algy became much less interested in the mechan-
ism of his car than in thepcrsnnahty of its daily occupant-
Miss Annabelle Ashurst whn dimply doteil on ignitions,
and everything connected wiili s]h>ci1, including the chauf-
feur. Observing, from his classic portico, that Algy was
more of a magneto than a man-servant, father Abraham
banished him forthwith from his richly upholstered imsom.
DE PROFUNDIS
And now we sec Algy in that
darkest hour which comes before
dawn — joyless and jobless, and
yet still able to derive a certain
bitter amusement from a new
game of solitaire which he plays
exclusively with unpaid bills.
The idea is to work the things
into two piles, in one of which
the certificates of indebtedness
shall equal the accounts receiv-
able in the other. We may add
that, in this pathetic pastime,
Al^'N' has just failed to go game
f(ir tlic Uiirty-seventh time.
SUCCESS AT LAST
Hurrah for Algy! Like an in-
spiration came his last and best
idea, to capitalize his nimble feet
and become a dancing instructor.
Below, you see him at the turn-
ing-point of his career, just as
the maid is informing him that a
fabulously rich Miss Detworthy
has arrived for her first instruc-
tion. Note the enraptured ex-
pression of Miss D. (the lady
with the circular marks on her
gown). Note the appreciative
glance of our hero. And so, at
last, Algy is able to witness the
triumph, in his unhappy life, of
Romance, Laughter, and Love.
19
MILLY, THE LIGHT-
WEIGHT
As the subsequent series of
ringside flash-lights indicates,
all the world's fashionable
fair ones have taken up the
maidenly art of self-defense.
E\'er\'b')d\'s doing it— both
in Lnndfin and New York.
The Wilson family is a typical
example. Dainty Millicent,
shown at right, is promi-
nently mentioned to win the
Junior cup. No more break-
fast in bed for Milly. Van-
ished, the boredom of banting.
An eight o'clock round with
the punching bag and the
girl's dav has really l.)cgun.
The Prize Fight Finally Gets into Society
The Smartest Diversion Is Now the Science of the Swat and the Slam
MILADY, THE WELTER-WEIGHT
On the right is Millicent's mama, who,
as the picture clearly shows, is rapidly
rounding into championship form. Her
sparring partner, kind-hearted old
Harry Wilson, who is both outweighted
and outranged, labors under the added
disadvantage of being, in private life,
the lady's husband. The male half
of the bout is plainly covering-up. One
false blow, — a cross-counter to any one
of his adversary's chins, for example,—
and Harry could be haled into the near-
est court on a charge of mass murder.
Showing how the smartest dowagers of the
sea lion class are waking up to the need of
fighting their way into the bear-cat class. It's
onlv in play, of course, but it's wricked play.
THE LADY BANTAM
Below, we see little sister Grace, home
from school for the holidays and, of
course, mad about boxing, as all the rest
of society is. The young parson, bless
his pale pink soul, has inquired about
the extra-curriculum activities of
Grace's schoolmates, not for a moment
expecting that the answer to his inno-
cent interest would be a blow in the
Adam's-apple. This, Grace explains,
is the favorite blow of M. Carpentier.
An intriguing phase of the tragedy is
the delight of old Mrs. Brown, who
sits in the right-hand, ring-side arm-
chair, and who has secret designs on the
parson — in the shape of her daughter,
the adjacent young person who looks
little like a turban-cd turkey's-egg.
A CHARMING EVEXIXG L\ HIGH SOCIETY
Just now boxing is all the rage in the great and wicked metropohs. Set-to's
happen in the best regulated sets. Nothing, for instance, could have kept the last
Sutherbv dinner-party awake, after ten, had it not been the perfectly arranged
post-prandial entertainment provided by these thoughtful hosts. In spite of an
abundance of wines, Lucullan dishes, triple extract of mocha, and an orchestra of
twelve saxophones, the partv was dying on its feet, until Madame S. escorted
the guests to the ballroom where a ring greeted their eyes. From that pomt
on the weary guests came out of their slumbers, and gaiety reigned supreme.
21
THE CARELESS CRITIC
The unexpected is always in-
teresting but it is sometimes
frightfully disturbing, as well.
For instance, here is Miss Emily
Rivington, who has gone to a
dance and has just remarked,
over her left shoulder, to her
friend Lucille Taplow — -"I ask
you, my dear, have you ever
seen anything more hideous than
this room? " Of course, the poor
child was entirely unaware of
the fact that her hostess had
pussyfooted her way into the
room just in time to receive,
point blank, the full force of
little Emilv's remarks.
Dreadful Moments in Society
Embarrassing Little Episodes Which Might Happen to Even the Best of Us
ART FOR THE ARTLESS
If Algy Appleton's fianceehad
shown him something easy
to understand in the way
of art — like an insurance
calendar or the cover of a
seed catalogue— he might
have been able to murmur
something intelligent, but
when, in the presence of the
sculptor, she led him up to a
portrait of herself done in the
most modem manner, the
poor boy's mental motor
went absolutely dead.
22
SACRED AND PROFANE LOVE
What is a modern menage without its little affaire de coeur7 Surely, those
whose hearts still find room for romance will pity the plight of charming Mrs.
Francklyn Sunderland who finds herself, as it were, between two fires, one of
which warms the slippers of her home-loving husband, while the other crackles
over the telephone in the burning words of Mrs. S.'s latest and very best beau.
Mrs. S.'s situation is rapidly growing desperate. Query! What should she do?
THE GREAT UNKNOWN
Marian Holworthy's right-hand dinner neigh-
bor is the guest of honor and a tremendous
genius of some sort, but, for the life of her,
Marian cannot think what his specialty is.
She has tried him on Art, Music, and Litera-
ture without eliciting more than a grunt and is
wondering whether she ought to ask him,
right out, whether he works for a living.
POVERTY AN'D RICHES
Poor penniless Dick Wadleigh is in a dreadful
fix. He has promised that he will tender his
heart and hand to Loretta Lorillard, the rich
sister of his over-seas American chum. And
now he is gazing upon the lady for the first
time and finding that she is, socially and phy-
sically speaking, a dud. Just to make things
pleasanter, brother Lorillard is hoarsely
whispering: "Do it now, old boy, do it now."
23
ENTER THE HERO
Having tried everything else at
least once, our hero feels that it
is only fair to see if there's any-
thing in matrimony, so he has
set forth in quest of something
really good in the way of a wife.
He is here shown at the conclu-
sion of his affair with Mirabel, a
debutante with every qualifica-
tion of the Perfect Helpmate.
But just as everything was
getting pleasantly arranged he
discovered her secret vice — she
is a slave to free verse. She
pours out her soul in unfettered
rhythms for a whole evening and,
really, he never could have any-
thing Hke that in the house.
On the Trail of a Wife
Detours on the Road to Matrimony
THE SECOND ENTRY
The next event in the series is
Phyllis, who speciaHzes in Early
Victorian work— blushes, swoons,
down-cast eyes, dropped hand-
kerchiefs, and all the rest. Our
hero was just about to fall a prey
to her appealing femininity and
beg her to name the bridesmaids.
And then they chanced to drop
in at an informal little sparring
match, and he caught a glimpse
of Phyllis' inner nature (Phyllis
is here pictured inaction). Our
hero is painfully realizing that
this effectually shatters his
dream of a sunny married life.
EXHIBIT C
Reader, let us present Chloe, Ex-
hibit C in our hero's collection of
possibilities. From the moment he
met Chloe he was intrigued; he
followed her about doggedly, always
pining to see more of her. Alas, he
got his wish when he invited her to
the opera, and she appeared in her
new Paris gown. Although he feels
that, after seeing her in the dress,
the ethical thing to do would be to
marry her, he cannot help insisting
on having a little illusion left- — so he
regretfully passes out of her life.
THE ORDEAL BY AIR
The next in the batting order is
Daphne, who appeared, for a
time, to be the Ultimate One.
In fact, it was all practically
settled until she invited our hero
to accompany her on a little
jaunt in her aeroplane. He felt
that there were few lengths to
which he wouldn't go on the
ground, but up in the air was un-
mistakably something else again;
so he progressed easily to the
next young siren on the list.
THE SAD CASE OF PEGGY
And then there was Peggy. Really, he couldn't have found a more perfect helpmate
than Peggy — civil to her parents, pleasant to have around a bridge table, fond of children
and potted plants. Nothing could have been sweeter — until she took him out motoring.
He is here registering a silent vow that if he ever gets home all in one piece, he will never
permit himself to so much as gaze upon his adorable little Peggy again.
THE BITTER END
And jvtst below, is the
end of the whole affair;
tr>'ing out a half-dozen
of the most efficient sirens
of his acquaintance, our
liero (inally marries Mary,
wlin rales about minus 30
in lof.iks, brains, and
charm. No one has ever
discovered why the ve-
teran of countless affairs
always eventually marries
a complete physical and
intellectual blank. As the
proverb so aptly puts
it, matrimony does make
strange bedfellows.
ANOTHER BLOW
By turning your head just
a trifle to the left, you will
get a rather good idea of
Dolores the next to crash
in on our hero's youthful
affections. He was in a
fair way to get all worked
up over Dolores' vamping
specialties — until in a con-
fidential moment she laid
l)are her strange, exotic,
Ballet Russe sort of soul
to him .... After that
he knew that things be-
tween them twain could
never be the same again.
25
THE DAWN OF A NEW LIFE
Perhaps the sweetest time in a girl's hfe is that
roseate moment when she gets her first divorce.
It is a time that comes but once to a girl. When
at last her final decree arrives, she stands, in
innocent wonder, on the threshold of a new life.
What pretty, girlish dreams are hers as she goes
out into the great world in search of a minister,
so that she can start things all over again.
THE FLAW
There is, unfortunately, a bad hitch in the pro-
cess of obtaining a divorce. They haven't
perfected the method, as yet— it needs a lot of
working over. This having to wait about for
months or years is really too tiresome; it cuts in
so on one's time. Why, any really earnest
worker, going on the schedule of a forty-four-
hour week, could be married and divorced three
or four times over in the time it now takes a lady
to be legally free from only one husband.
THE ENDLESS CHAIN
Only the shortage of white paper prevented the artist from prolonging
the above idea indefinitely. It is the motif for a frieze entitled "Matri-
mony"— rather a quaint little conception, isn't it? If you are at all
married — or even if you are only an innocent bystander — you will get
the idea without a struggle. As soon as divorce mercifully looses one set
of shackles, a change of partners is rapidly effected, new bonds are
formed — and there they are, right back at the very beginning again.
Divorce: A Great Indoor Sport
// is Beginning to Rank Among Our Fashionable
and Popular Pastimes
26
TICKET5
THE DIVORCE SPECIAL
Any time that you want to sec a bit of life, go to an American railway station and watch the outgoing trains to
Nevada. Several ticket agents have to be constantly on duty in the window where both-way tickets to Reno are
sold; one man couldn't keep up with the rush of trade. A typical line at the ticket office is shown here^-it is con-
sidered de rigueur for husbands to accompany their outgoing wives to the train. If you are contemplating a jaunt
to the nation's reconstruction center in the near future, it is a bit safer to book seats several weeks ahead.
OLD HOME WEEK
It is so nice for the new bridegroom to meet his wife's col-
lection of former husbands. It is something for him to
look forward to, all through the honeymoon. These
little gatherings are so delightfully home like — it is reassur-
ing to feel that you are all members of the same club.
BACK TO THE START AGAIN
This little scene is the sort of thing that divorce leads to, —
hope springs eternal, and all that. A divorce simply gets
one into the right frame of mind for a fresh start in matri-
mony. After all, Nature will have its own way; there's
nothing like love — it is the passion to which the best
divorce lawvers attribute their success.
27
Wild Bores We Have Met
Question! Who — in Society — Is the Unadulterated,
100 Per Cent. Bore?
BEHIND THE "TIMES "
Bores may be met with at all times of the day,
but none bores so blightingly as he who bores at
breakfast. Who more completely spoils a de-
jeuner than the hideous male shown above who
absolutely refuses to pick up his cues in the
sweet little matutinal dialogue?
THE MONDAY-TUESDAY- WEDNESDAY
BORE
Mrs. Ormsby-Jones, at right, represents that
class of almost imbearable bores whose social
slogan is "Never take no for an answer," a
group otherwise known as the " Come-Monday-
Tuesday- Wednesday-Class." The Newly -Wed
Pangboms, at the other end of the wire, have
already fought off three different dinner sugges-
tions from Mrs. O.-J. and can only think of death
from apoplexy as an avenue of escape. But is
Mrs. O.-J. down-hearted? Never! "Well, then,
how about Thursday? " she asks sweetly.
THE BABY BORE
In ancient times, Spartans used to expose
their infants on the mountains to test their
toughness. The people at Mrs, Willough-
by's tea are wishing that this test had been
tried on little Gladys, who has been ex-
hibited by her enthusiastic mother and
made to recite La Fontaine's "Maitre
Corbeau ' ' in the original Ollendorf . Major
Radcliffe, who possesses only military
French, is seriously considering going over
the top — with Gladys as his objective.
THE BOASTFUL BORE
A bore of tremendous calibre is the plutocratic per-
son who enjoys whitt psychologists call "acute caste-
consciousness." Take Mrs. Eric Appledom, for
instance, who is the lady shown above with a map
of the Amazon River appliqued on her facade.
Can't you imagine how it bores Dorothy Dobbee,
whose nearest approach to car-ownership is a pair of
yellow goggles, to be told of the six Rolls-Royces
which Mrs. Appledorn has bought for her children.
THE DIETETIC BORE
If I were little Ouija, I should certainly tip the table
over on that insufferable blighter who, at every
meal, demands a special menu of gluten bread, gold-
fish wafers, and prunes, " Nothing acid! " he cried ;
' ' Nothing starchy ! Nothing albuminous ! No
sugar! Have you saccharine?" Geska, the maid,
has no idea what saccharine is, but she is willing to
try ground glass on this creature — at a venture.
THE THEATRE BORE
To end a day of perfect boredom,
it is only necessary to go to the
theatre with a person who has
seen the play before and tells
the plot to all those within ear-
shot. At the big moment, pic-
tured at the right, he has just
crashed into the silence by assur-
ing the Wilberforce girls that
Vera, the heroine, isn't really
killed at all. "Just wait until
the next act," he says cheeringly,
"she shoots him then."
29
THE AWAKENING TO SPRING
If you are at all interested in tracing the love interest back to its very begin-
nings, all you have to do is to visit the nearest park, any bright Spring
n- orning. Little scenes like this are going on all over the place; any member
of the younger set, between the ages of two and five, can give you all the
information you may require on just how wonderful nature really is. There
is only one difference between love and any other contagious disease: once
you have had the other disease, you are immune from a second attack.
HAIL, THE CONQUERING HERO!
When first love takes the form of hero worship, there is practically nothing
that can be done about it. The case illustrated below is almost at the last
stage, as is shown by the patient's complete loss of appetite. The object of
her maiden dreams is her mother's guest, a returned big-game hunter — one
of those bronze-skinned, clean-limbed outdoor men. Really, these people
with clean limbs and chiseled features ought not to be at large; they get a
young girl's innocent inhibitions and major complexes all tangled up.
THE PROFESSIONAL SIREN
Don't dwell too long on the picture above, gentle reader;
if you have any heart at all, you will just break down and
have a good hard cry. This is one of the bitterest phases
of first love— the case of the adolescent moth and the pro-
fessional flarae. The youth is at that tender age where
he classes all women under thirty-five as crude, and all
unmarried women as uninteresting. The lady in the case is
just about old enough to be a nice, understanding great-
aunt. She is graciously allowing the youth to pour out his
heart to her in a series of home-made sonnets,— after all, his
little stunt helps to pass away the time until her next dance.
The Throes of First Love, in Society
A Few Fashionable Little Variations on the Oldest Theme in the World
30
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
The great romantic tragedies are no more tragic than an affair hke this; for
sheer bitterness, the epic of Httle Gladys and her adored Unknown makes
"Romeo and Juliet" look like a bedroom farce. While walking in the park
with her nurse, little Gladys, up to that moment but a heedless slip of a girl,
comes face to face with her fate — her Soul-Mate, her Ineffable One, her Man.
It is love at first sight; but the anguished lovers are torn asunder almost im-
mediately. The cruel nurse drags the stricken heroine home to her nap, while
the Unknown's father insists that he must deport himself like a little Man.
THE DANGEROUS DEBUTANTE
And now we must witness the futile
yearnings of the youth who hasfallen in
love with the most popular debutante
of the season. He is virtually in a state
of shell-shock. The thing has hit him
so hard that all power of speech has
completely left him. It is seldom that
love affects anyone this way, in later
life. You just take these little things
as all in the day's work, after you've
had a few years' experience with them.
FIRST LOVE— AND THE NOBLE THEATRICAL GOD
Here is an experience that comes but eight or ten times to a
young girl — her worship of the dramatic hero. There are few
purer forms of love than these idylls, and few more hicrativc
emotions— from the box-office standpoint. The youthful wor-
shippers, chastely chaperoned by a vestal, attend every matint'e,
to bask in the glances of their idol. All their childish pennies are
scraped together to buy the front row seats. It's just the old,
old story- — it's the w'oman that pays, and pays, and pays.
31
I GARDENING
I Gardening is always an extremely
popular sport, — -some people do so love
! to get close to nature. Of course, there
I are many who won't have anything to
do with this sport; they remember that
all the trouble in the world started in a
garden. It is not at all difficult to
become a highly accomplished gar-
dener. All it requires is a study of that
invaluable text-book "How to Know
AVhat Makes the Wild Flowers Wild."
A Calendar of Popular Outdoor Sports
As Practised jlmong Persons of Breeding and Quality
O
LAWN TENNIS
Lawn tennis is one of those sports that are very popular among the onlookers.
Ladies who can't tell a tennis racket from any other noise, and gentlemen who
never have been able to understand wh}' the players stand on different sides of
the net, are most enthusiastic tennis spectators, never missing any of the big
matches. Oh, well, history has proved that there always has been a certain
deadly fascination in watching one's fellow creatures suffer needlessly.
32
INDOOR GOLF
Golf, that greatest of all
reasons why men leave home,
has become a delightful in-
door sport. All butlers count
as hazards, and footmen may
not be removed from the
course. Mr. Reginald Vere
de Vere, one of our best
known after-dinner golfers,
i.s here portrayed demonstrat-
ing that fine shot he nearly
made on the eleventh hole.
SUMMER BOATING
Are you one of those who have always be-
lieved that a punt is the lowest form of wit .■*
If you are, you must change your views,
for punting is bound to happen at all the
smartest wet places. All our dowagers
and dancing men are delighted with the
sport. It's so pleasant to fish from a punt,
— some people do so love to angle for any-
thing that seems to be in the social swim.
CROQUET
The clergy is going in for
croquet more strenuously
than ever before. It is in-
deed splendid exercise ;
there is no better wayof de-
veloping the vocabulary.
The reverend gentleman
on the right really should
not hit his adversary over
the head with his mallet.
He should know that who-
ever hits his opponent
with a mallet loses his
next turn. The correct
thing to do is to hit him
witli one of the stakes.
33
The Seven Deadly Temperaments
As Frequently Met With in the Ladies
THE FELINE TEMPERAMENT
Four members of the feline, velvet-pawed, low-springing, meat-
eating, Cat family, shown in the act of trepanning little An-
gela, the sweet, blonde, yielding, and wholly worshipful being
who is seated on the sofa before you. There is not one single
nasty thing that the felines have forgotten to say about
Angela, a girl who never did a wrong thing — except that she
allowed Destiny to make her attractive to married men.
THE MATERNAL TEMPERAMENT
Here we see the ideal mother, the chatelaine type, a type upon which
so many poets, novelists, and music hall singers have dilated. The
future of the race is hers. It is a trifle hard to tell — ^whether she is a
futurist sofa pillow or a marble parquet floor. This type of lady is
always irresistible to the clergy, especially when they are of the Pro-
testant persuasion. As will be observed, upon a closer scrutiny
of the lady and her biological factor— the union has been fruitful.
THE SOULFUL TEMPERAMENT
Always devoted to calla lilies, rhythmic (or self-expression) danc-
ing, and loose-fitting Greek robes. She usually displays an ab-
normal interest in what's what on the buffet. Leave this type of
girl alone with a tableful of truffles, pates, mushrooms, macaroons,
queen olives, peaches, and chocolate eclairs, and the place, after
a bit, will look like Bapaume, after the German evacuation.
34
THE XAGGIN'G TEMPERAMENT
You know the kind. She simply won't let you alone. Picking
on you, all day long. She starts right in on you at breakfast,
along with the coffee and the toast. She always gets up early
and comes down all dressed and ready for a good day's nag-
ging. There is no known form of temperament so horrible, so
poisonous, so soul-blighting — and so certain to marry. Oh,
wives and mothers, what a lesson this picture should be to you.
THE ROMANTIC TEMPERAMENT
Cupid just leads her around from one dark corner to another and from
one brave man to another. She lives exclusively upon little pencilled
notes, chocolate bon bons, pressed violets, Percy .Shelley, moonlight,
and the strains of the guitar. Dangerous to a man in his first season.
Equally dangerous to a man in the bald-headed fifties, but particularly
dangerous to a man who is tottering on the brink of the grave.
THE PRACTICAL TEMPERAMENT
A frequent and highly commendable type of woman-
hood. She always knows exactly what she wants—
which is usually something under the classification of
Jewels. Fiu-thermore, she knows how to get it, and
she knows where to go for it. In short, she is a ferret.
THE ARTISTIC TEMPERAMENT
Last, but most frequently met with of all, we behold
the artistic temperament. By that we mean the lady
who feels things so keenly, suffers so acutely, and
kicks so ferociously, that we know instinctively, on
observing her, that she is passionately devoted to
ART. Have you noticed that they always wear
clinging robes and are very rude to their maids?
35
Six Brands of
Week-End Hostesses
It's a Lusty Life, if You Don't Week-End
THE UNSEEX HOSTESS
The self effacing hostess is a verv popular
l)rand. If it weren't for her week-end
parties, society never could catch up
with its correspondence. She isn't in the
least entertaining — -and she mercifully
doesn't try to be. She thoughtfully
effaces herself, and leaves you in your
room after supplying each guest with
crested paper, assorted pens, and unused
stamps. Spending a week-end at her
house is much the same thing as spend-
ing it in the writing room of the Ritz.
THE BISHOP'S AIOVE
The absent-minded hostess has
ruined many a promising young
week-end by her unfortunate afflic-
tion. She can never quite remem-
ber just what people she has asked
for the week-end and she will go and
ask a bishop, at the last moment.
Of course, bishops are a splendid
institution and you really couldn't
want anything nicer around a cathe-
dral, but, at a week-end party, when
the tired ^ruests are having their
axatidu, a bishop is about as
welcome as anmUhireakof beri-beri.
THE MUSICAL HOSTESS
The hostess who is so musical is one of those blessings that we could all get
along without. She is always exploring among the fauna of Bohemia and
capturing some particularly wild specimen. Her guests spend the week-end,
like Daniel, in a lion's den. There is no let-up to the atrocities. The guests
sit in horror, thinking of the things they might be doing in the city, while
a hairy conscientious objector does unmentionable things to a piano.
36
THE WELL MEANING HOSTESS
The well-meaning hostess is one of the
lowest forms. She insists upon every-
body's getting together and having a
jolly time. She can't call it a week-end
till each of her guests has committed at
least one parlor trick. She is here por-
trayed in her favorite pursuit of drag-
ging an inoffensive guest to the piano,
insisting that she just knows he sings.
People spend exactly one week-end at
her place; after that, "Very important
business keeps me away. So sorry."
THE VA.MSHIXO HOSTESS
The perfect, or disappearing, hostess is
rare. She always invites the One Per-
son you want to spend the week-end
with, and then lets nature take its
course. She has a perfectly bearable
house surrounded liy really wonderful
grounds. This lT)^trss ;ip])rars occa-
sionally at dinner, lint :ii other times
she vanishes comjiletelx', lca\-ing things
to the careful supcr\'ision of the faith-
ful family gardener, who has probably
seen more biological history in the
making than any irian in the county.
PALM SUNDAY
The gilded hostess has one of those rustic cottages,
where her guests rough it over Sunday surrounded by
vintage champagne, Swiss butlers, liveried footmen.
The sketch — from life — -shows a guest's retreat to the
city, after a week-end's bridge; note how effectively
the footmen decorate the sketch with palms.
37
After-the-War
Servant
Problems
How the Great Conflict ended
the Golden Days of Service
in the Houses of the Elect
GILDIXC. THE LILY
In the gooti old ante-bellum days, scenes like
this were every-day occurrences in the life of
Mr. J. Wallingford Smith, — inventor and sole
owner of Smith's Slenderizing Stays — They
Lace on the Side. Mr. Smith simply covild not
call it a day unless at least five male menials
were involved in the jiroccss of getting him
dressed. All his puttings on and takings off
were personally attended to by these motherly
creatures. And then, just as everything was
going nicely, the world had to get mixed up in
that dreadful war, so that poor Mr. Smith
now has to adjust his jewelry without a corps
of specially trained liveried attendants.
TWEEDLEDUM AXD TWEEDLEDEE
Portrait impression — from memory— of Mr.
and Mrs. J- Wallingford Smith, motoring in
their third-best Rolls-Royce, just about two
weeks before the Kaiser turned on the war.
Note the attendant chauffeur and footman —
Mr. and Mrs. Smith wouldn't dream of going
out without two men on the box. But things
aren't what they used to be. The chauffeur
and footman now own their own motors
—after two years in the provision business.
WHY BOYS LEAVE HOME
'I'his scene, almost too terrible to look upon, is absolutely true — it's not one
of those faked war pictures at all. It reveals the hideous, dreadful priva-
tions, that the war brought upon some of us. It shows the bitter anguish of
the J. Wallingford Smiths as they watched a battalion of their footmen,
chauffeurs, butlers, valets, gardeners, coachmen, grooms, house detectives,
and resident photograhers departing for the Saar Valley. How silent and
lonely the house has seemed, the past year, without these brave youths!
38
TIGER! TIGER
Conscription was the mother of invention — Mrs. Smith recently con-
ceived the brilliant idea of engaging a mere stripling to understudy for
the footman who was removed by the war. Someone simply has to carry
the family ermines around — -you can't expect a lone lady to do it all by
herself. The accompanying picture graphically portrays the new foot-
man in action— playing the part of a movable human coat-room.
CASUALS OF THE AVENUE
Fate seems to be against the unhappy Smiths
— it's not even on speaking terms with them.
Even that good idea of Mrs. Smith's about
engaging a child footman didn't work out.
The boy wonder was really too immature — he
couldn't overhear even the simplest stories
without blushing — so Mrs. Smith had to re-
sort to a maid to accompany her around the
city. But, judging from her expression, she
is a trifle dismayed by the number and
ardor of Mrs. Smith's casual acquaintances.
THE ULTIMATE STRAW
And now, even Mrs. Smith's maid has
gone and done it— she decided to re-
main permanently in the Woman's
Motor Corps. The uniform is so much
more becoming than those trying
maid's costumes. She is pictured with
her latest and very best Young Man.
39
Advice to
What Every Girl Should
Know, Before Choosing
a Husband
the Lovelorn
LE PREMIER PAS
The love interest really must come into the
life of every young girl. There's no use talk-
ing, she simply can't get along without it. Her
mother may weep, and her father may become
dramatic about it, but a girl should remember
in choosing a husband, that it's the first step
that counts in matrimony. After a girl has
once been married, a second, third or even a
fourth husband are simple matters. It's the
first one that's tricky. Getting a husband is
rather like getting the olives out of a bottle —
after you get the first one, the rest come easily.
BEWARE THE SOCIETY FAVORITE
Every girl is likely to be dazzled by the radiance of
the Social Light. He shines in ball-rooms, and in
the frontline trenches of tea-fights; he fox-trots with
passionate abandon, he is the life and soul of every
dinner party, but, around the house he is, unfor-
tunately, something else again. The trouble with
these Social Lights is that they simply can't live
without a group of admiring females about them.
BEWARE THE MODERNIST POET
There is a time in every girl's life— usually around Spring— when she
falls in love with the Professional Poet. He wears his hair in the
manner made popular by Irene Castle, and he believes m free speech,
and free verse, and free love, and free everything. His favorite
game is reading from his own works— such selections as his Lines
to an Un-moral Tulip." This type of poet does not go in very
strongly for marriage— it cramps his style— with the other ladies.
40
THE FUTURIST— WITH A PAST
Then there is the Futurist Artist. He is really a great factor in a
girl's education: he can show her how, at a glance, to tell the
difference between a Matisse painting and a Spanish omelette,
and he knows just what the vorticists are trying to prove. He
dresses like the property artist in musical comedies and he is
simply ripping at designing costumes— he tells you how Lucile is
battling to engage him, if he would only descend to commercial-
ism. Avoid them, girls, avoid them! They always have a past!
WITH THIS RING
There is unquestionably much to be said on the side of
the Munitions Millionaire, as a husband. The course of
tr\ie love certainly does run much more smoothly if it's
travelled in a Rolls-Royce. Such trifles as diamond tiaras,
Russian sables, chintz-Uned limousines, and ropes of pearls
help Love's young dream along considerably. The only
trouble with a Munitions Millionaire is that his neck is a
little too much inclined to bulge over the back of his collar.
THE RIGHT MAN— AT LAST
41
HERE ARE YOUR JEWELS
It's getting so that the members of the widely advertised working classes get up in the morning, look out of the
uTiTiHnnr anri cQi^ "TTiic Innl-c lil-A a n^r-p wan-n HflV Ipt'K t;trikp for SOmethiu?." This little habit Of SOing OU
Strike is like the cosmic urge, or the wanderlust, or the young man's fancy, or any of those thmgs; it gets under way
at any time of year, and there's simply no stopping it. Here is a harrowing scene, one of the fearful tragedies inci-
dent to the strike of the musemaids. The nurse, just called out by her union, is retiu-ning her charges to mother, a
ladv with whom they have but the merest bowing acquaintance, thus utterly spoiling the lady's afternoon.
The Open Season for Strikes
// You Dont See What You Want, Strike for It
THE HUSBANDS' REVOLT
It's only a question of time before the down-trodden hus-
bands form a union and strike for freedom. They have
come to reahze that bitter truth of married hfe — it's always
the man who pays, and pays, and pays. Street-cleaners,
ship-builders, riveters, gasfitters, and all other laborers
claim the right to a forty-four hour week and every evening
and Sunday off, with no questions asked— why not hus-
bands? Here is one of the agitators of the Industrial
Husbands of the World, shown in the act of uprising.
WHAT ARE THE WILD WAVES
SAYING?
Even the hairdressers are getting into the
spirit of the times, and pledging themselves to
strike while the curling-iron is hot. They
have found that there is really very little in
this silly idea of a life on a Marcel wave.
Observe this terrible catastrophe — the striker
is throwing down his badge of labor and going
out, leaving his unfortunate client with half
her hair as art intended it to be, and half of it
in the unfinished state in which nature left it.
42
THE WIVES' UNIOiN
A strike of wives may be called
at any time; many wives have
been threatening to walk out
for months. The thing is likely
to prove rather embarrassing.
Here, for instance, is the case of a
member of the wives' union,
whose husband has just returned
from five years' service in the
East. In the midst of her en-
thusiastic welcome, she has
been called out by three quite
unfeeling delegates of her union.
THE WAYS OF A MAID
The maids are at last coming around
to the modem way of thinking —
that in unions there is strength.
Here is an intimate glimpse of what
will happen if they ever start strik-
ing. The maid is obeying the first
law of all agitators, — be sure to
strike at the most inconvenient
time. She is leaving her employer,
so to speak, sunk— just on the point
of throwing up the sponge and going
down for the third and last time.
THE ULTIMATE HORROR
There are many terrible things in this world, as someone has so' cleverly said,
but the worst of all would be a strike of footmen. Why, all social life would be
completely paralyzed by it. Just see what a cruel thing it would be. The
footmen in this case are striking for shorter hours, higher wages, and looser
liveries; they have walked out in the middle of the caviarre, leaving the guests
face to face with starvation — and, what is worse, face to face with each other.
43
THE PORTRAITS OF OLD g
Having your portrait painted,
in the good old days, used to
be a comparatively simple
matter. It was as much a
part of a woman's social
duties as going to the opera,
or having her hair marcelled.
All you needed was a black
evening gown, a lap-dog, a
cheque for $10,000, and an
appointment at the studio of
Mr. John Sargent.
The Art of Fashionable Portraiture
You Cant Quite Be ''It, " Without the Aid of a Modernist Artist
GO TO THE AUNT
It used to be considered
awfully radical and jxist
the least bit Bohemian,
to have your portrait done
by a bearded foreigner
like Monsieur Chartran,
— local talent was simply
nowhere. It was always
obligatory, while posing
for the portrait, to bring a-
longatrained aunt, to keep
ofE draughts and gentle-
men callers. When the
canvas was done, you coulil
almost always tell, in six
guesses, who the portrait
was intended to be.
44
THE OVAL-SHAPED LADY
But having one's portrait merely painted isn't being done any
more. The thing to do now is to lease a sculptor, and have him
do a simple little portrait in marble, and eall it "Mrs. ... —
a Mood." Prospective sitters for modernist busts should re-
member never to show surprise at the finished product. Never
' )ehave like the lady in the sketch : remember that only novices
aint on seeing the completed masterpiece. The thing to do is
i(j clasp the hands, gaze yearningly at the ceiling and murmur
in passionate undertones, "It is wonderful — but wonderful!
The feeling, the soul, the ego— how could you know?"
THE HUMAN EGG
If you want to go that far, you can have your por-
trait done by one of the cubist scidptors, who are
causing such a furor— among themselves. Just
ask the first sculptor you meet at dinner if he won't
do a bust of you; he is sure to be a cubist. He will
only be too glad to oblige with a charming trifle,
looking rather like an egg after a hard Easter, and
to name il "Arrangeinenl: Mrs. B."
THE NUDE SOUL
But the sculpture of the young Roumanian refugee
artiste, now so plentifully in our midst, is the very
farthest one can get in modem portraiture. The
gifted sculptress specializes in soul portraits,
Naturally, every woman loves to have a little
statue of her soul, somewhere around the house.
The inniplctcd statue, always in the nude, licars
the title "My Soul, in Passing: Nocturne."
In case you haven't decided just which school you want to employ in dinner. The noble spirit, at the extreme right is Henri Pryzmytioff ,
creating your portrait, here is a cross-section of our artistic Bohemia. the Post-Futurist Sculptor delivering a long and most impassioned
It is a most representative group of sculptors at their recent notable talk on "The Sculpture of Day After To-morrow— and Why."
45
Social Superstitions
With Very Special Obeisances to Cupid
THE SHEEP— AND THE GOAT
Everyone has a pet superstition, and pretty Madeleine Templeton'sis that
if a girl sleeps on her love-letters she is sure to dream of him who is to
be her true, true love. Unfortunately, Madeleine has so many tender
missives from so many true loves that she is positively uncomfortable
and can not sleep at all. She has tried counting her fingers, counting her
sheep and counting her admirers, but all is in vain. She is now desper-
ately wondering if she ought to try the modem society method of marrying
her true loves, one by one, until the right husband finally turns up.
THE SUIT AND THE SUITOR
Helen de Peyster's favorite fear complex is
the fatal number Thirteen! And yet,
what is she to do when, having rejected a
dozen proposals, along comes handsome
Harry Radcliffe, with wealth, position
and a personality that causes her heart to
miss like a faulty motor. And now the
Fates have spoken, indicating plainly that
hearts are trumps and that she should
undoubtedly follow her partner's lead.
"Am I doomed?" asks Helen, "Simply
because Harry is the thirteenth man to
propose to me? That's what I want to
know — ^am I doomed?"
THE WORST IS YET TO COME
It is an established fact, in the mind of Annabelle Armitagc,
who is shown on our left, that she will wed the first man
who meets her gaze on St. Valentine's morn. She has not
yet looked down, nor has Tony Galati, who does the
Armitage roses, looked up, but Fate is plainly staging
another of those elopements in high society with a stirring
last act in which the pleasant news is broken to the present
Signora Galati, in Calabria, and the seven little Galatis.
46
SALT AND BATTERY
Because Clarice Vanderhoff almost fainted when h(
fiance, Teddy Ashhurst, spilled the salt, Ted natural!
placated the Unknown Gods by throwing a handful of tl
offending seasoning over his left shoulder with his rigl
hand. This is undoubtedly very pleasing to the Fati
and Goddesses of Chance, but hardly as agreeable to tl
charming Mrs. Drexel-Drexel who, quite naturally, objec
to being salted, like an almond — particularly in public.
THE CROIX DE COUTEAUX
It is certainly hard on a hostess to have her dinner party spoiled
by a social contretemps, yet that is what happened at Mrs. Aspin-
wall's when her imported and important authoress, Patience
Bitgood, fainted dead away in mid-sweetbread, at the sight of
crossed knives beside her plate. This is one of the worst omens
of a relentless Nemesis, and foretells a solid year of hard luck.
IJAXGEROUS DIANA
The new moon is a lovely
sight, but, of course, it is
absolutely fatal to look
at it through glass, a
fact well known by Eric
Appledom, who, we may
say, is not as simple as he
looks. "Come into the
garden, Maud," he mur-
murs, "and let us go out
through the dining room
so that we may be sure to
gaze on Luna over your
lovely right shoulder!"
Something in Maud's eyes
tells us that she will fol-
low the red line of ro-
mance to its usual and
pleasant des'tination.
47
IT'S ALL IN THE LINES
Musical comedy audiences arc
always notable for the rapt at-
tention they pay to the evcnin_ '
entertainment. The male stu-
dents of the drama, in particular,
seem to be ever on the lookout
for good lines— especially those
of the ladies of the chorus.
Above is shown a loge-ful at
that standing-room-only success,
"The Girl on the Nightboat."
CLNEMA LOVERS
This is a scene from that realm of
outer darkness — the moving pic-
ture theatre. The audiences are
the thing that make moving
pictures move. Observe how
intent they arc upon the thrilling
scenes reeling out before their
very eyes. The stirring picture
now on. the screen shows the in-
habitants of Nova Scotia tinning
salmon. Only two people — in the
back row — fail to register interest
in the scenes beforethem, — those
two are, neverthe!e.ss, true devo-
tees of the cinema theatres.
CAN YOU GUESS WHO'S ON THE STAGE?
You can always tell, bv looking at the aiidience, just who is holding the center of the stage. When the masculine half of the
audience occupies itself in reading the corset advertisements in the programmes or in looking restlessly about while the
feminine half strains to catch every word — then you can be sure that the marcelled hero, in the jet-buttoned evening clothes,
with the velvet collar, is standing in the spotlight and singing, or talking, rhapsodically about the age-old passion of LOVE.
48
DOUBLE ENTENDRES
The war was really responsible for a great many
unfortunate occurrences, as so many observant
people have already pointed out. Here, for in-
stance, is the case of two returned Lieutenants
who, in their year's stay in German\-, have man-
aged to pick up a good working knowledge of the
French language. By way of celebrating their
home-coming, they have been invited to sec the
latest imported French farce — and find that they
can understand every word of it. In the future,
they will only patronize domestic products.
FOR THE CHILI3REX'S SAKE
This is one of those delightful little occasions
where the children are given their annual holiday
treat. All their existing ancestors, in a body,
take them to the Hippodrome. For weeks before
the eventful evening, their parents, grandparents,
aunts, and uncles go about suffering intensely
saying what a fearful bore it is going to be and
how they dread it, but they really must go
through with it— it means so much to the kiddies.
Here is the party, shown in action, — observe the
deadly boredoni of the grown people and the
hysterical hilarity of the little guests of honor.
CAN YOU GUESS WHO'S ON THE STAGE. NOW?
As we explained just a few minutes ago, a ^1-- f t th^ audienc^^^^^^^
49
SPEEDING THE PARTING GUESTS
Of course, you were thrilled when they — your
week-end guests— accepted your invitation; and
you were tremendously glad to see them when
they arrived ; and you enjoyed every minute of
their stay, — but, oh. Lady, Lady,- — wasn't the
most exquisite moment of all that when you and
your consort waved a fond farewell to them and
the back axle of their Rolls-Royce? Week-
ends are wonderful, but, wasn't Tennyson clever
when he said that parting is such sweet sorrow!
The Horrors of the Week End
From the Tortured Hostess's Point of View
WHY DLNNER WAS LATE
The chief horror of every week-end is the lady guest who comes with-
out a maid, borrows the hostess's, monopolizes her wholly and leaves
the hostess marooned in her boudoir, unnerved, unnoticed, and un-
hooked. This migratory blight always wears a gown out of which
she can only escape with the aid of Harry Houdini. In the meantime,
below stairs, the pom mes -souffles have collapsed and — -which is a
great deal more important — the cook is getting ready to do likewise.
VISITORS-IN-LAW
There is something about family relationships that always wrecks the
entente-cordiale which should exist between guest and host. For in-
stance, there is your wife's brother, who, warmed by heavy inroads
on your vintage Scotch, invariably tells you how little he thought of
you when he first met you, and how broken up his family were over
the wedding. Only the sacred rites of hospitality stand between this
repulsive and misguided being and the horrors of a sudden death.
50
THE LAUV BURGLAR
The statement that "old friends are
best" was never made by a lady who
has endured the highwayman methods
adopted by her old school-chum, or
knew-you-as-a-child type of visitor.
Reverting to habits, this little house-
breaker rifles her hostess's bureau and
chifTonier with the avowed intention of
wearing each garment which the hos-
tess has not had the foresight to put on.
THE HOOT-OWL
In this picture, we have a
fiendish friend who, after
boring you all day with his
silence and devastating dull-
ness, suddenly wakes up,
about 11.30 P.M., and begins
to tell you about his salmon-
fishing trip. After the details
of what his camp outfit con-
sisted of, we see him, as the
clock strikes two, beginning
to play his second salmon,
and still going fairly strong.
RUDENESS REPAID
Have you ever lived, for a
dozen odd years, next to some
utterly impossible neighbors
whom you have carefully
snubbed, avoided and ignored
only to have a well-meaning
idiot, who happens to be your
guest over Sunday, lead them
joyously into your home with
an air of triumphant dis-
covery, as if he had done you
the greatest sort of favour.
51
When Marriage Is a Failure
Cherchez la Femme
Have You a Little Failure In Your Home?
A CATALOGUE OF WIVES
There are only six kinds of wives. They
are all shown on these two pages, but only
one of them can be — on a crossed heart-
warmly recommended. Fortunately mar-
riage— which is at best but a primitive
substitute for friendship — is becoming less
and less fashionable, so that every year
fewer of our young society leaders are
sacrificed on the wedding pyre. This is especially true among clever
people. And now, reader, here is our first exhibit in wives, a very terrible
kind, to be sure. She is known as the DEVOTED wife. vShe loves — and
watches out for — her husband, especially in the early morning hours.
Note the restraint exercised by our artist in refusing to introduce a
cuckoo clock, a device usually inevitable in pictures of this kind.
THE LAPLAXD .MODEL
Here we see a li\-ing embodiment of Model No. 2 — the BIJOU DOLL.
She is often a blonde, but always a deceiver. Despite persistent com-
plaints— by husbands — against wives of this model, the demand for
them continues to be brisk. She always has a serious grievance against
Fate! Why is it that her husband is so groundlessly jealous? Is it her
fault if his men friends pester her and bother the life out of her? Was
it her plan to share a chair with Mr. Reginald Stuart? And ho%v absurd
her husband is to carry on in that ridiculous way, just because, being
tired, she had to sit somewhere, and, as there was nothing else to sit on,
the thought suddenlv flashed on her: Why not sit on Mr. Stuart?
THE SECRET SOLVED
And here we see the only perfect wife, the model known as the "LET
YOU ALONE." She is positively the final word — the dernier cri— in
wives. Have you ever tried one? No! Ah, then you can't imagine
what married happiness really is. She is guaranteed never to ask any of
the four, fatal questions, namely: Why? Where? Who? and When? Hers
is an incomparable model that robs marriage of many of its horrors.
Give her a cigarette, a glass of chartreuse, an improving little French
novel, a pet dog or two and she won't ask for another thing during an
entire afternoon — until the gentlemen callers begin to arrive. More and
more sociologists are reahzing that married life can be made one grand,
sweet song, if the two combatants will only let each other alone.
This IS the SEXSITIVE wife. A familiar and, alas,
incurable type. She always makes the mistake of
marrying a Fiend Incarnate while still an Innocent
and Trusting child. She then spends the remainder
of her life in "telling all," to a strictly limited
circle of female friends. Yes, she has children,
two boys — for the Brute has left nothing un-
done to spoil her life. (N.B. The little boys arc
shown, in decollete at the lower left-hand corner).
She is fond of "giving away" the fiend to
her circle of devoted harpies, furies, and blood-
hounds. The Brute does not understand her —
and never has, since she was a little, sensitive, mis-
imderstood girl. Her mother should have warned
her! Told her what Life really was: explained the
grim horror and hateful meaning of it all.
THE "DRESSY" WIFE
An inordinate reader of Vogue; spends her mornings
at Lucile's; Paris is her Heaven; would sell her child
for a Callot lace tcagown; has to be torn, nightly,
from shop windows; wears openwork stockings for
breakfast. Our artist shows her in one of her fre-
quent bruised moments. Her husband simply can't
understand how Poiret's bill can be so much for a
single week. But then he never understands any-
thing. He is just a business man. No heart! No
soul! No inspired moments! She is married to a
"ledger, " a man who is nothing but a glorified add-
ing machine. Her "jailer " has, with the characteris-
tic brutality of a Hun, just refused to sign a blank
check which she has made payable to Lanvin. He is
trying to squirm out of it by saying that he is over-
drawn at the bank — which statement she has just
branded as a wilful, malicious and palpable LIE.
She knows what he is up to. He wants to HURT her!
THE HUMAN BANK ACCOUNT
And here is the last portrait in our gallery — the rich or
MONEYED wife. We would like entirely to discontinue the
manufacture of this model and substitute for it, on all future
occasions, the old-fashioned, penniless, demure, rosy-cheeked,
Oh Alfred, all-for-love, type of wife, but, alas, business is business,
and rents, and club dues, and golf balls, and servants wages, are
all going up, so why not recognize the fact that a rich wife is a
good thing to begin on ; something to hang on to until you get up a
little free action in the direction of True Love? The only trouble
with marrying a rich wife is that, when you sign up for life, you
are handed a leather leash along with the wedding certificate.
Put a metal collar on your neck and a little red velvet blanket
around your middle and you might just as well be Yami, or Sing
Hi, or Chihuahua, the only three things in the world that your
temale meal-tickct really seems to love. Observe the prisoner's
heart-breaking, backward glance! The cry of anguish: the
caged spirit, sending out an S.O.S. to two lovely nymphs.
53
Opening of the Opera Season
The opera openei-to c.«M bo.es^will, the usual performauce of'Aida." Such of the fashionable people who came an act
late, left an act early, slept during the second act. and talked in between times, passed an unusually pleasant evemng.
54
THE POOR, INNOCENT VICTIM
What type of bridge player is the most spirit-blighting? Some
favor the talking player; some the cheat — but we must vote, on
every ballot, for the three girlies mirrored on this page. First,
there is the creature shown above, who, after losing five rubbers,
suddenly registers horror with the orbs, and exclaims in dismay:
" Heavens! are we playing for money? I never dreamed of such a
thing! I never play for anything!" Note the indifference of
the other participants — intensified by financial anguish.
Blighters at Bridge
A Te rrifying Triumv ira te of Fa m ilia r
Lady Auction Pests
THE BLIGHTER, PAR EXCELLENCE
The supreme Blighter is undoubtedly that
moon-faced Medusa who, after each and
every hand, lays it out, and delivers herself of
a lengthy post-mortem, the object of which
is to prove that there must be something
mentally wrong with her partner and that he
ought to be put under observation, at once, by
a first class alienist. She usually passes for a
lady, so that violent reprisals, however desir-
able, are not always possible.
THE HOODOO-ED DOWAGER
Explain, if you can, why luck always seems to
run the wrong way with Certain Sensitive
Dowagers, just as the game is at its tensest?
It does, you know, — with the result that the
poor Persecuted One insists upon holding up
the rubber while she does a majestic Marathon
round and round her little gilt chair. Such
childish overtures to Chance may be employed
by ladies in many trifling matters, such as
Love, Marriage, and Divorce, but, Georgiana,
dear! try to remember, this is BRIDGE!
55
A Way to Succeed on the Stage
A Lady, Once a Creature of Fashion,
and Now a Famous Actress, Tells
of Her Success
"So many heartbroken girls have asked my advice
on how to achieve an artistic destiny on the stage,
that a frank word or two, on such a theme, may not
be amiss. To begin with, girls should remember
that the wishes and tastes of their audience have to
be considered — before everything. An artistic
standard that does not meet with popular approval
must, of necessity, be a false standard to work by.
Take my little bit, for instance, in the third act of
'Houp-La.' I tried to interest my audience in my
■wonderful imitations of the Allied statesmen. But,
try as I would, I left them cold. Then, my manager,
one of the best dramatic critics I have ever met,
drew my attention to what he deemed a radical
defect in my performance. The subjects of my imi-
tations, he said, were all too restful! Not one of
them was associated, in the public mind, with move-
ment—especially with the movement which we know-
as Kicking. So I changed my repertoire to include
impersonations of Nijinski, and ^liassine, with the
result that my act has been a veritable riot.
"So, remember, girls, consider your audience."
REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER
"I want to insist upon the importance — in an artiste
— of listening to the counsel of a good manager.
Only last night, for instance, after the ring-down in
my triumphal screen scene in 'A Woman at Bay,'
(the one in which the screen, behind which I am
dressing, is knocked over by the maid), my manager
joined me, in the Ritz grill, and gave me the most
wonderful advice in the world. He showed me how I
could kill the star's act by laughing in the middle of
it; how I could steal the leading man's entrance;
how I could get the spot for a whole act— by giving
the spotlight operator a Tecla pearl pin; how I could
centre the publicity man's interest in little me
{merely by kindness) and how I could get my name
up, in gas, merely by asking a dear friend of mine —
(who is the President of a steel company) to invest
some money in a musical comedy which my manager
is going to put on. He has also given me advice
about my dear mother. He thinks that the city air
is disagreeing with her, and he suggests that, in the
country, he could engage a single room for her — -with
the use of a bath — where she could pass the winter
very comfortably. So there is (mother thing to re-
member, girls: 'Always be good to your mother!"
TRY TO BE KIND TO THE CRITICS
"And now, girls, here is one more point. Remem-
ber that critics are Human. They never seem so,
of course, when you read their stuff, but my ex-
perience has been that they are susceptible to Httlc
kindnesses. Martha, my maid,— she has been with
me since I left the convent — always asks Izzy Stern
— he is my personal press representative — to invite
the critics back to my little dressing-room, after
every first performance. I have a few bon-bons,
or cigarettes, or new stories, or orchids there, which I
distribute among them, along with a smile, a laugh-
ing word, and— on rare occasions— a little kiss, on
the tips of their funny old noses. So, girls, there's
another lesson! Always be kind to the critics."
STAGE DOOR
THE BEAUTY OF MODERATION
"And now, I have only one more word to say. Try always
to be regular in your habits. Half of the failures on the
stage — among feminine artistes, at least — are due to the
fact that actresses do not observe a rcgtdar mode of living.
I have only one rule! Be Regular! For instance, 1 never
dream of taking a pint of champagne for supper on Mon-
day, and then three pints on Tuesday. No, I always take
two pints every night in the week, including Sunday. I
keep my cigarettes down, in the same w^ay, to two boxes a
day. One headache powder in the morning! One trional
powder at night! One bouquet from each admirer, every
evening. Never any more: never any less! So girls this is
my parting word to you all: Be Moderate; be Regular; be
Good. Moderation always pays — -in the long run."
57
Sports for the Summer
The Increasingly Feminine Tone of Outdoor Diversions
MOTORING
It has been a busy Summer for
our lusty young athletes. Golf
tournaments, tennis champion-
ships; polo, sparring, sea bath-
ing, (see opposite page). Then
there was also motoring,
canoodling, dancing, and work-
ing at the office in order to pay
income taxes. This picture
shows the most dangerous of all
the smart Summer sports —
motoring. Indeed it may be said
that a lad is never safe in a
motor — ^when there is a lady
about. Oh, and gentle Reader,
— do you believe in signs?
CANOODLING
Canoeing is practicallv the safest of all our
Summer sports. Safest because little attach-
ments are virtually impossible while indulg-
ing in it. A sentimental chap, when canoeing,
may drown, to be sure, but he is safe from the
rnenace of having a lady drape herself around
his^ neck like a constrictor, an occurrence
which is quite possible in motoring. When
you propose in a canoe, don't be afraid of
shocking the silly birds— they are used to it.
SLAVING
What with the eighteen different kinds of
taxes which the late Emperor William is
causing us to pay into the Treasury, a chap
had to slave away at the office last Sum-
mer, or else force his wife and children to
go without the luxuries of life, that is,
motor cars, sugar, diamonds, and eggs.
DANCING
Dancing, this past Sum-
mer, was just about as
enlivening as taking a cup
of camomile tea with two
titled women in a cathe-
dral close. This is a little
scene at a fashionable
house-party. Note that
the only youthful cavalier
in sight is just home from
school, and has been danc-
ing with Lady Muriel Pitt
Powyss (his mother's dis-
tinguished guest) until he
is fed up with it to the
point of the tonsils.
58
The Strategy and Finesse of Proposing
Advance Leaves from the 1921 Handbook, of Courtship
THE PROPOSAL BY LETTER
A faint-hearted method — not at all recommended. Letters
are all very well in their way, but, if a wooer wishes to get
absolutely sure results, he ought, in person, to be on hand
when the terrible moment arrives. Letters of proposal
have any number of drawbacks. For instance: (r) They
may miscarry and be delivered to the wrong candidate-
some lady who leaves you cold. Or (2) the dear girl may
accept you — by a somewhat precipitate telegram — before
you have had time to think the thing over, in which case
you will find yourself in the cart, (3) Letters sound so
deucedly silly when the attorneys get up to read them in
the courtroom for the benefit of the press. Finally (4), a
letter never has the force of a good face-to-face recitation.
The pen, though mighty, is hardly to be compared in
efficacy with the three great aids to wooing : the capacious
sofa, the soft-shaded lamp, and the smouldering fire.; So,
dismiss the page-boy and step around to Irene's yourself.
THE PROPOSAL TERPSICHOREAN
There is only one certain way of making the modern de-
butante— like Muriel, for instance — capitulate, and that
is to dance her into complete submission. Just accept
every single engraved invitation that comes to you at your
club — so long as it mentions dancing— and then go and
dedicate yourself to the job of keeping Muriel turning.
Remember, that, nowadays, hearts and thrones are oftenest
won by revolutions. Remember that it is only in dancing,
that a man inspires in a woman that close feeling of con-
fidence so essential to bliss and felicity in the married state.
So, if a maiden is even a little wary of your advances, or in
any way disposed to fight you off, just get some willing
friend to strafe the piano for you, then lift the diffident
child out of her chair, give her position A, and launch out
with her upon the whirlpools of the dance.
THE PROPOSAL, A LA PASHA
If you think it demeaning and ignoble
to be loved for your pelf alone, try to
remember that no girl accustomed to
the sort of things which she is forever
seeing advertised, is going to marry a
man who never gives her anything but
roses, and, here and there, a chocolate
or two. In giving presents to the little
dear, try always to stick to jewels.
True love thrives best in a young
lady's bosom, on a diet of pearls, rubies,
emeralds, sapphires and diamonds.
Oh, and another thing! If she marries
you, you have a half equity in the
stones. If she doesn't marry you, you
can force her mother to return them.
Flowers fade! Bonbons vanish. But
good diamonds shine on forever.
60
THE PROPOSAL BY TELEPHONE
In a great progressive city like ours, especially with stocks
jumping up about five points a day — you can't very well
expect a chap to leave the stock-ticker in his club or in his
caf^, trot up to the social z-one and loaf round a girl's house
all day. And that merely to propose to her as soon as she
has — at the end of an hour or so — consented to dress and
give her hair and complexion the careful treatment which
she always has to give them when she receives visitors.
This is a very busy little world and a proposal over the
wire often saves an immense amount of time — and some-
times two or three points margin at your brokers'. So,
wherever she is, telephone! Don't waste time. Call her up
anywhere, even in her bedroom. This little sketch shows
the delightfully intimate relationship which is sometimes
established between the dining-room at a man's Club and
the bathing pavilion contiguous to a lady's sleeping room.
It was a scene such as this that inspired the composer who
in a moment of supreme inspiration, wrote that lyrical gem
entitled "Hullo, Central, Give Me Heaven." In proposing
by telephone, it is of course just as well to get the right girl
on the wire. A friend of ours recently became a trifle
confused — after being accepted by a female voice, to learn
that the houri at the other end of the telephone was no less
a dignitary than his lady-love's maiden aunt.
!
THE PROPOSAL BY PHONOGRAPH
Our new, exclusive, patented, and correct
model for diffident bachelors. No more pluck-
ing of marguerites (she lov^es me, she loves my
car, etc.). No more tortured proposals on the
knees (ruining the fit of the new trousers).
If she accepts, she writes to you. If she
refuses, she files the record along with her
latest Hawaiian Aloha song. In buying your
proposal records, insist on having the phono-
graph people insert your name and hers on
the discs,^ — without charge. The names can
be added in less than ten minutes' time. If
you are a busy man, you can of course order
your records by the dozen— merely cautioning
the makers to use the names of as many girls
as you happen to be wooing at the time. You
can then distribute the records to the girls and
await developments. In case you should
happen to receive two or more acceptances,
the simplest method is to toss a coin.
LANDED AT LAST
The artist has mercifully drawn
a veil over the hero in this scene.
This is always the way you
finish. You try out your pro-
posals on different girls and find
yourself landed at last with a big,
masterful sort of sparring part-
ner, a girl who grabbed you when
you weren't looking and marched
you up the aisle with the Lohen-
grin record turned on at third
speed. And, behind you and
your big masterful girl, there
stalks that dreadful mother of
hers, and her soul blighting
Uncle Cyril, and her dreadful
little twin brothers, and then-
walking with a man whom you
happen to hate — the bride's
sister Gertie, the bright little girl
whom you really meant to marry.
6r
Palmy Days at the Seaside
Sights at the Bathing Resorts When the Season for Salt
Water is Declared On
FOND MEMORIES
There is, alas, but little of
this sort of thing, these
days. The spectacle rf a
venerable waiter, working
himself into a healthy
glow over the wholesome
indoor exercise of bottle-
opening is becoming rarer
every day. A corkscrew,
once the national em-
blem, w'ill soon be but a
relic for a civic museum.
ON THE SIDE LINES
It is such little groups as these that lend a
really homelike air to the seaside resorts.
These pillars of society know the entire his-
tory of the resort by heart; they are specialists
on dates, social standing, if any, and previous
conditions of matrimony. They are a com-
plete Guide to the closet skeletons of all the
married and unmarried guests in the hotel.
THE NEWLY RICH ELEMENT
Heroic little bands like thisannually
advance upon the fashionable
resorts, to make an overt attack
upon society. These invaders come
from the heart of the wilds, where
the head of the family (merely a
courtesy title) is known locally as
the Gravel Roof King. Little
family groups of this sort are not
considered complete without four
daughters, at least, each more pain-
fullv unmarried than the rest.
THE CINEMA VAMP
This year the movie vam-
pire is on the promenade
resting from the outdoor
scenes of her new picture,
"The Super-Sin," which
will barely get by the
national board of censor-
ship. The cinema vam-
pire is highly unpopular
with the debutantes at
the seaside resort. They
seem always to resent pro-
fessional competition.
THE TENNIS HOUNDS
Any dav you may see the tennis hounds assembl-
ing at the court for a set of mixed — ^hopelessly
mixed — doubles. The curious thing about most
of these strange creatures is that no living-eye
has ever beheld them actually playing; they
appear on the court with much ceremony, carry-
ing all the properties, and wearing the most tech-
nically correct costumes, but that is as far as
most of these sartorial creatures ever seem to go.
62
MIXED FOURSOMES
There is always a libera! assortment of these Ibursomes scattered over the seaside golf course. They
are the slowest-moving bodies known to science; there is a wait of twenty minutes on every tee, while
an argument rages as to whether it took Ethel fifteen or seventeen to get out of the rough, every argu-
ment, tor and agamst, bemg carefully considered. Any other plavers who happen to be golfing on
tne course at the time, have just about as much chance of passing as the Germans had at Verdun.
THE RECENTLY RICH
The little gatherings of those to whom wealth has all
the refreshing charm of novelty are a familiar and well-
loved sight in the seaside resorts. They have done
nicely for themselves in munitions stocks, and expect
to devote the years of peace to well-earned spending.
THE LURE OF THE STAGE
It is simply wonderful how the drama has helped our
resorts along. It's surprising how much a pair of
friendly young actresses can add to the charm of a
place. The male half of the visitors are unanimous in
declaring that the drama is the greatest institution of
the age.
SEASIDE PANORAMA
Ask any experienced traveler
what impressed him most about
the seaside, and he will imme-
diately answer that the welcome
committee, which met him at the
portals of the hotel, and which
bade him a tender farewell, is the
memory which he will cherish
longest, — even to his dying day.
63
GLIMPSES WITHIN
How little we know of the " vieintime"
of the fashionable stage idols, twinkhng
stars in the dramatic firmament, far-
removed from the orchestra astrono-
mers. It has been our recent privilege
to interview, at close range, lovely
Angeline Etoille, the famous dancer of
two continents, whose throbbing re-
actions to the simple things of life are
indeed a revelation. Her enthusiasm
for her art is inspiring. Her whole life,
for that matter, may be said to be a
lesson in adorable enthusiasms.
An Interview with A Great Dancer
Privileged Peeps into the Soul of Mile. Angeline, of Paris
THE MOTHER INSTINCT
When we spoke of children, the lovely
dancer's face took on a madonna-like
expression. "I adore them," she fal-
tered. "I often borrow my sister's
twins, for photographic purposes. It is
my crown of sorrow that I have none of
my own, but, as I am young and un-
married; what would you?"
BARKING BLUSSUMS
"Animals! I adore them,"
cried la Belle Etoille. "I
could not exist without
them. Only see my three
canine graces. Rose,
Violet, and Lily. My
maid sprays each one of
them with its name-per-
fume every morning."
ALONG THE BEACH
" There is only one word,"
said Mile. A., "which de-
cribes the ocean in all its
moods of calm and storm,
lickle as a lover, rising
and falling like the stock-
market, as changeable in
color as the fashion in
hair. It is 'adorable.'"
64
BUCOLIC BEAUTIES
One of the most adorable things in an adorable world, ' '
said the dainty danseuse, "is the country. The lowing
kine,thcbleatinglambs, the bosky dells, allwithinseason-
ticket distance. It is my dream. I constantly see
myself as a shepherdess, strolling through the meadows,
whispering my httle secrets to tlie bees and birds."
THE FLORAL TRIBUTE
"How can I express my love of flowers except by saying
that I adore theni? " questioned the exquisite Angehne.
"They are, with me, a passion, and, do you know, I
can gauge a man's devotion by the way he sends me
flowers. If he spends more than his salarv — hclovesme.
If he spends o)ily his sa!ar>-, I know that he is cold."
ANGELINE'S ADORABLE ADIEU
It was with real regret that our interviewer rose
to take his leave of the dancing idol. The great
diva, reclining on the great divan, had given us
such a charming close-up of her soul that, for a
moment, we felt specially privileged. And then,
a fatal moment! we noted, behind thearras, and
protruding beyond the lower right-hand cushion,
a smartly shod male foot — a well-rounded male
knee, and we realized instinctively that others be-
side ourselves had found Mile. Etoille — adorable.
65