Full text of "Punch"
JAMES NICHOLSON
TORONTO.CANADA
Presented to the
LIBRARY of the
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
THE ESTATE OF THE LATE
JAMES NICHOLSON
0
LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1872.
^
.rtSt
lot
pt
LONDOK :
nn*DBur,Y, EVANS, AND co., pnisTURs, WHITEFEIA.BS.
JUNE 29, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
iii
SwissBoy, point d' argent, point
" Really, MR. PUNCH," said the
JJANCBOi T, HOW ttie Jfuu : .u.« t. _;«> -
that we'll go for a row on the Lake, my Allobroges. Know they settled here,
" I know several things," said MR. DAVIS, " and one is that you have no business m this chamber.
« ft» acu utigM, my Occidental. My visit is strictly on pleasure. And I reckon to have the pleasure of st.ck.ng
these here Negotiations in a greased groove before I quit."
" Porter ! " exclaimed the COUNT SCLOPIS, angrily.
" Not a drop, I thank you," said MR. PUNCH, smiling. " We should not get it good here. A bottle of Seltzer, if you
please, with a slight dash of the liquid named after yonder lake, but unsweetened.
His exquisite good-temper-he associates with GRANVILLE and DisRAELi-was too much for the d.gnitanes. They
all shook hands with him, said he was welcome, and begged that he would go away until dmner-tune.
"Not a bit of it, my Beamish Boys," said MR. PUNCH. "I am going to earn that dinner.
"But, dear MB. PUNCH," pleaded MR. DAVIS, "we can't admit another .British Representative, especially s
potent a one as yourself." . . , .
"You are polite, and I'm cosmopolite, my dear DAVIS. Non ubi nascor, sed ubi pascor, and
international repast I shall behave internationally."
" You will have to let him speak," laughed BARON ITAJUBA.
"You open your mouth to drop Brazilian diamonds, my Baron."
« He 'd better remain, for I don't think he 'II go," gaily carolled the Chief Justice, with a reminiscence of a b
written at a time when burlesques were comic.
" Take your brief, and belabour away," sang the Merry Swiss Boy. ^
•' Come, MR. PUNCH," said the Count, " you and I have a common Italian ancestry. Do us crc
" Con rispetto parlando, Count, you ought not to doubt that I shall. Arbitrators ! Have you all read ^
" There 's a question ! " shouted Everybody, indignantly. » Have five great nations sent clowns to repre W
IT
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1872.
" I will soon see about that," said MB. PUNCH. " When the good PANTAOBUEL was asked to decide a most
tangled, knotty, and vast law-suit, over which a hundred lawyers had wrangled and fattened for years, what was his first
order? Nay, answer me not in words, but let me take my cooling draught, and see whether you know RABELAIS."
As with one impulse all sprang up, delight in each face. Secretaries and porters were summoned, and every
scrap of paper, from the smallest Note to the most gigantic Case was removed into the court-yard. In five minutes all the
painted glass in the windows was richly illuminated, and the flames roared like Vesuvius.
" In these circumstances," said MB. PUNCH, "and as thinking of the 'frozen Caucasus' will not enable one to bear
roasting, M. the Count, you might order mo some ice."
" Icebergs to MB. PUNCH till further notice," said the magnificent Italian, in a style worthy of COSMO himself.
" You have studied RABELAIS," said MB. PUNCH, when the fire had subsided, " and lam sure that you will continue
to be guided by his wisdom. Do you accept my sentence, in this Anglo-American business, as final. No ' understandings,'
mind. Swear it, with good mouth-filling oaths."
They all sent out fervent voices, but MB. DAVIS (who has had the advantage of knowing MB. GREELEY) discharged
a kuss BO terrific that it tore all the other sounds to tatters.
" Hear, and record the oath, immoral Gods ! " exclaimed MB. PUNCH, in a manner like that of JOHN KEMBLE, only
superior in irapressiveness. " And now I shall give you a judgment like that of the good PANTAGKUEL. Stenographers ! "
Then said PANTAGBHKL-PUXCH, " and the pauses amid his speech were more awful than the sound : "
" flot having read one word of the cackle just combusted, and knowing and caring nothing about the matter in
question, I hereby give sentence that England shall pay to America, on the first of April last, nineteen thousand bottles
of hay with a needle in each. Shall, on the very first Sunday in the middle of the week, further pay to America eleven
millions of pigs in pokes ; and finally, and without fail, Shall, in the next Greek Kalends, remit "to Washington two
billions of bottles of smoke, and one thousand casks of the best pickled Australian moonshine, deodorised and aerated.
" But seeing that America, in her turn, has reparation to make, I hereby give sentence that she shall send to
England, on the day of the election of the first Coloured President, twelve thousand barrels of the best pearl-oysters,
the pearls to be set with cmera'ds and rubies. Shall, on the day of celebration of the utter and entire extinction of
Bunkum, further pay to England eighty thousand barrels of Columbian Hail, and as many Birds o' Freedom, potted with
truffles ; and lastly, Shall, on the recognition of the Independence of Mormonism, remit to London a hundred boxes of the
letters of which the United States have robbed the Queen's English ; a thousand of the ropes which ought to have been
used in accelerating the quietude of Fenianism, and finally, and without fail, shall pay 30 per cent, on the profits of
' annexed ' English literature.
" iclutJ this I give for final judgment and decr.ee indissoluble."
Everybody remained wrapt in speechless admiration at the ineffable wisdQm of PANTAGBUEL-PUNCH who had
LED THE AMEBICAN QUESTION. But what a shout went up to the Empyrean when he gently added :—
" To enable you to interpret this sentence aright, I present you with my
f ohm"
PUNCH'S ALMANACK *OK 1872.
MUSIC AT HOME.
STUDY or AM AMJ.TECR COMIO SINGER sTRrooLiso WITH AN UNSYMrATnisiNO ACDIENCE.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
SIGNS OP THE MODERN ZODIAC.
ARIES, the RAM, is on iron steamboat,
Able to sink uiiy ship that 's afloat.
TAURUS, the BOLL, is one JOHN of that name ;
Ouco he was savage, but now he is tamo.
GEMINI, male, are the TWINS Siamese;
Two-headed Nightingale's fonumc— she "B.
CANCER 's tho CRAB caught by some of a
< 'rew ;
Never th.it, cither the "Light" or "Dark
Blue."
LKO •« the Old British LION, who keeps
W:it oh with tho Unicorn. .Sometimes ho
sleeps.
Viiuio, tlie Vmr.iN, ;i Chignon doth wear.
JI..\v can a true maid appear in false hair?
LIBRA 's the BALANCE; your stars you may
thank
If you have always got one at your Bunk.
SCORPIO, the SCORPION, 's a Critic, who
stings
Nut with tail's point ; pen and ink are the
things.
SAoiTTA.Rirs, the ARCHER, now Bows are
exploded
By Gunpowder, shoots with a Rifle, breech-
loaded.
CAPRICORNUS, tho GOAT, here below, BUNO
combines
With the Compasses, twofold, for one of the
Signs.
AQUARIUS, the WATERMAN, what shall denote ?
The Badge that he '11 win when he wins
DOOOETT'S Coat.
PISCES, the FISHES of Fishes that bo,
Are Salmon, at home both in river and sea.
INTERNATIONAL.
EVEN in words the English wife's affection
shows superior to the French wife's. The
Litter says, " my friend,' that is, he loves
her. But the former says, " my dear/' that
is, she loves him. Bless the English wives—
and the French ones.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — Delight a father by
praise of his daughter's beauty ; a mother by
praise of her son's brains ; the reverse prac-
tice is unsafe if the father is an author, and
the mother has been a beauty.
MARCH 1, FEAST OF ST. DAVID, — Leeks and.
toasted cheese. Eistedfodd at Pfgntwddlwn,
Hard WILLIAMS recites an epitaph which he
IMS composed on his countryman, MR. MOR-
GAN. A traveller (London commercial) pre-
sent calls it an Epi-Taffy.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — Despise all little-
ness, including little acts of kindusss.
QUERY TOR CEREMONIALISTS.— When a left-
handed lady is married, ought not the Riug
to be placed on the right fourth finger?
THREATENED CONFLAGRATION. — The River
Police have detected a man trying to set the
Thames on fire. He was caught flaarante
ddicto.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — Let your charity
cover offences as your carpet on a wet night
covers the mud on your doorstep ; that your
friends may not appear discreditably.
SENTIMENT FOR JANUARY —May the frost
of Indifference never congeal the stream of
Benevolence !
SENTIMENT FOR FEBRUARY. — May wo look
before we Lcip !
JAN DART.
Happy nought (far Hoc Ttar't Day}. Take a holiday. Mid
7th J.-ui'Hirv. "Oid Christmas Day." Happy Thought —
Keep it again.
THE HCNTIXO SEASOX.— Leap Year.
'em. This
FEBRUARY.
14th. Happy Thought.— Buy Valentines. Bend '.
is also St. Pancakes' Day.
27th. Happy Thought (for Hart*). — " Hare- hunt ing ends "
20th. Happy Thought.— " Wind S.W."
THE LAUNDRESS'S PARADISE.— Washington.
MARCH.
25th. Quarter-Day. Happy TkougUt— Not at home to any
one.
29th. Happy Thought.— The only Good day in the year—
Good Friday.
THE PEACE OF WESTPHALIA. — Sending your enemy a Ham.
,
THE RULING PASSION.
TO L,VE „ THt.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
FAVOURITE AUTHORS.
The Wise Man's
Tho Fishmonger's .
Tho Entomologist's .
The Quaker's .
Th» Blunderer's
Tho Cabman's .
Tho Schoolmaster's .
Tho Stonemason's .
Tho Footman's
The Centenarian's .
The Soldier's .
The Poet's . . .
-.•tor's .
Tho Engine-driver's ,
The Poulterer's
The Dandy's
Nobody's . . ,
Everybody's
LK SAOE.
CRABBC, SPRAT, and
\\ IM KKI.MA.NN.
I"U.|
VMIIURE.
BUCK
PORPHYRY.
L'Aunt LA PLUCHE.
IfACROBm,
M utrlAL.
Bnm
AKI VMKE and Sn.i i.i..
Iran
Di'cK and HARE.
SMART.
DUNS.
Punch!
AN AUTHOR'S P.S.
Do not think that my Recording Angel set
a precedent in blotting out that record with
a tear. He has since bought spcvi
which prevent his tears from falling down,
ami which enable him to write eveii luuru
legibly.— LAWRENCE STERNI.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— A good memory is
a good thing. A good forgctfulness some-
times a better. A poor poet received a
bank-note the day after ho had declared at
dinner that ho couM nut remember the
Bonrce of a lino a rich guest was unable to
trace. Yet tho lino was tlio wise poet's own.
A Civic DREAM.— An Alderman of London
went to sK-ep. and dreamt that he had been
made Lord Mayor and knighted. HU Wor-
ship hp.tl eaten more than was good for him
at supper, and had the Nightmare.
"OURS."
OUR Gardener -wean his hat In a Rakish
manner.
Our Coachman prides himself on liis erect
bearing— his Carriage is perfect.
Our Footman's tastes are martial — he loves
the smell of Powder.
Our Butler can do the Bottle-trick.
Our Groom has a Horae-Uugb.
Our Dairy-maid will have her own Whey.
Our Miller i ;:hed.
Our Milkman Skims tin- i»aper.
Our Butcher has settled a handsome
.I.'iriture nn his daughter.
Our Waiter is the Coming Man.
APRIL.
1st Happy novghL—Viovide for a rainy
day. Go up t< any ( ne and s«y, " Beg txininu,
I think you 're got my umbrella." Rather lhan
dispute the point, he i< ture to give it you.
'<rd. llajtfiy nouii/,1.—" Dividends due at
ink." Call and ask for sonno.
//•'/•,'.» Thovtht (Jar rai.,i, month).—
"Society 01 Ifaler-Ooliurs opens. *
VULGAR ERROR. — Some people are strangely
wont to confound the followers of MAHOMET
with those of CANON KINGSLEY. As though
they imagined that the MusMilm in.i were
professors eif Muscular Christianity, they call
them Musclcmen.
DESPERATB ATTEMPT.— A member of the
Stock Exchange declared that he could not
live in Suffolk. Asked why, he said he was
sure ho should die of suffocation.
SENTIMENT FOR MARCH.— May the School
Boards advance tho March of Intellect !
SENTIMENT FOR APRIL.— May there be no
fools but on the First !
DR. WATTS QUOTED TO A MASCULINE FEMALE ENERGETIC
ABOUT THE RiouTs or WOMEN. — " How I wonder what
you are 1 "
ON A "BOOTS" AT A HOTEL.— He does not shine him-
self, but ho is the cause of brilliancy in others.
IMPENDING CHANGE.— Wh«n tho Teetotallers get the
upper hand, they intend to reform the Zodiac. With its
objectionable Signs— the Ram, the Bull, the Lion, 4c.—
they consider that it has far too much of a Public-house
aspect. Aquarius will, of course, be retained on the esta-
blishment.
EXPRESSIVE LINE.
" And wall'd about with mews."
Tennj/Km.
EVIDENTLY, the Poet Laureate, at some time or other, has
lived In a neighbourhood infested with cats.
MUSIC AT HOME.
Mri. Lyom Ckacer. " How Cruel or you TO GET DP so SUDDENLY, DEAR MR. RUMBELTU
Herr Ruwbeltumrki «•;?/< pardonable severity). " Nb, MATAM. BUT 1 vos AVRAID DAT I INI
AJra. Lyont Chacer. " O DEAR NO 1 NOT AT ALL ! ! Pray oo ov ! ' ' "
MSKl! Is ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE PlASO?"
DERRUBTED DE GENERAL GoNFERZATION 1 "
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOE 1872.
NEW PATENTS.
FOK Improvement* in the process of con-
dt'iHiiij,' the milk of }iuin:in kindness
For improvement* in theCraaaof Boototy.
Vur iniprovoiiiciiU' u the I^L-IIL-C of 1'olite-
nes8.
r..r;i Mafhim; f'>r putting on Great Coats.
I "or improvements in Wedding Braakflbta.
I-\T the conversion uf Groat llorc.s into
Sin ill H"iv-!.
K-irthe more economical vise of Red Tapo.
I nr impn.vcmcnts in Spinning Yarn*.
For a machine for Testing Friendship.
F,»r improvumimts in the lunnufuf ture of
London S-msatfes.
For a Xuisoless liaby.
CUPID AND VULCAX.
LOVB laughs at locksmiths, till Love's
passion
Is locked in matrimonial fashion,
Ilv wedlock-*mlthl ; to wit, they arc
The Parson and the Registrar.
A " PEN'S Y HEADING.11
THE copper coin, the Penny, can be traced
I) ck to a period lost in the remote ages of
;intu|Hitv. When that great S')ldi- r and
tnveller, OiA'ssti'.s, who^e name we have
Au.licisod into ULYSSES, returned home,
;iit r many .v^'i-s' absence in foreign coun-
tries to the family residence in Ithaca, he
surprised his Faithful wife lust in a reverie
over her mifinishel worsted work, and said,
with a good -humoured smile on his weather-
beaten countenance, " A Penny for your
thoughts, my love."
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Xever express much
gratitude for a favour ; its motive may have
not been a good one, and you may be re-
warding hjpocrisy.
NATIONAL GAMES.
ENGLAND— Commerce.
Ireland— Shindy.
Scotland— Hop-Scotch.
France— Bagatelle.
Germany — Soldiers.
Italy— Magic Mu.i'c.
States of the Church— Pope.
Spain— Dominoes.
Russia— Snow-ball.
Poland '—Patience.
(Ircuce— Marbles.
America — Brag.
Turkey— Hunt the Slipper.
Egypt — Pyramids.
Laplaud— Cat's Cradle.
IMAGINARY CONVERSATION.
Smith. I say, BROWS, old boy, why is your
pretty sister like that ormolu timepiece:
Jii-oicn. Don't you be impudent.
&mth. Not a bit. I 'in complimentary.
You see it is because she is an <>!;>> t </e looks.
[Pokes jioor BnowN t'/i the icai&tcoat, atid
exit, grinning.
MISPRTSTKD MORAL. — Never forgive a
friend who has wronged you; y<>ur per*in-
tent hate is a graceful compliment, showing
that yiiu hud fully valued him.
A C.-VPEFUL Country Gentleman refused to
let his Gardener plant three Green-gage
trees, because he had an objection to any
more-gages on the estate.
HISTORICAL CONVERSION.— CLOVIS, first of
that name, King of France, is celebrated
for his conversion, A.D. 49l>, to Christianity.
It m:»y be observed that he was previously
a Pagan. There is no reason even for the
supposition that old CLOVIS was of Jewish
origin.
MAY.
13th. Happy Thought.— Old May-Day. Keep it. Anti-
qtiurian Society probably keeps it. Join them at dinner.
Mist. " Sun naos, 3h. 61m., a.m." Happy Thought. — I don't.
BENTIHF.XT roil MAT.— May May be May !
ASTRONOMICAL ERROR. —It is commonly supposed that
there is but one Dog Star ; answers to the name of Sirius.
Vet the Great Bear has two Pointers. Still, the Constella-
tion, Ursa Major, does not consist of Shooting Stars.
PROVERBIAL LANCUAGE OF FLOWERS. — Onion is Strength.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — It is friendship's sacred duty to
,'i\v bad wmo to friends who love drink, as you may kelp
j cure them of the vice.
Is-Doon AMUSEMENT FOB OLD PEOPLE. — The Game of
Croak ey.
A TREACHEROUS CONFEDERATE.
ben amiil{9 V" Y"un(J Pe"f'U witk *%M elever COKJ
HHALL PR°Dt'CE THB °* °UR
"Now, LADIES AND GENTLEMBX, von SAW ME lii-iiN THE HANDKERCHIEF.— WOULD YOU si
FRIEND HERE w.'.s TO OBLIGING AS TO OFFER TO TAKK CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
8HAKSPEARE MIS-READINGS.
(Sufftfftttit by a Score or to of Coi
1. "Tho K»bO by any other name would
•moll as .sweet,"
2. "At least we'll die with honKt* <>n
our Iwu-'lis."
3. " What dreams may como must give u.s
paws."
•1 " It were unmannerly to take tlie<- • nr,
mi ! nut tocussthec." / Vlll.
'<. " Suo what u runt tho envious CASCA
paid." Julti
JUNK.
'Jltli MM.simuimr Day. ll-'^^y Thought. —
Not wt liuina. Leavo word "Shan't bo back,
for weeks."
HAD ADVICE. — "Tuko earo of your cold,"
•ay we) I- m cuning, but unthinking1, friends.
Tliry iiiui fur l>ettor s:iy — "Tuko care, and
gut rid uf your cold."
Ml tin1 world knows that
two ,il nur greatest log;il luminaries aro COKE
;in 1 IU. v KMUNI: '[',, .1 . , ; tlm ffl
jounj,' students nii<ht be cucuura^'e'i
them Coko and Cu;il.
ir \ ... i
* d^p'ay tbo
ire, for they
Su\ii:rnrNii K..U MiKl
Of nil men of .scionrn
grr:it' i • • mire, for they
leavo no stono unturned to accomplish their
object.
ErvnoLooirAL — The science whk-h Irruls
of toeth Is known as Odontology. "O !
don't, O!" is heard too often in a Dentist's
room to admit of any doubt us to the eonxvt
derivation of this jaw-breaking word.
NATURAL HISTORY. — Ornithologists havo
noticed that there are no birds so bold and
bravo its partridges and vteasanU, for they
invariably " die gum- "
A LITTLE OPERA.
OUrw.
Lrr us sin? at the beginning :
Happy folks are always singing.
f.ovef.
Their song would make mo glad
If I were not so sad.
Kitttr Villain.
Dark is thy brow,
Hut twenty to one
Twill Ixi darker, I trow,
liuluro I hiivo done.
Kntfr Maidtn.
\ •
1 see him there.
Him I hulil dear,
For bini tj<.u't <• iro.
tover and Villain.
Take your choice pretty ludy.
For doubt must go by.
One of us niu*t wed you,
The other must die.
Jll«< '
It seems to me un<- inmon hud
To be uf other choice debarred
Chorut.
Yes, with a hundred swain* in view,
Do not restrict her choice to two.
ydluin.
There 'a sense in that, as you '11 agree,
The thought had not occurred to mo.
Loi-er.
They put it in a proper light.
And thus wo two escape a fight
JVi'o.— What joy, what joy,
Xfhen logic reigns !
And folks employ,
Their little brains.
Turn.
The lady is free, and the lovers forgive
And we '11 ail be so happy aa long us wo live.
Curtain.
* — *%)
-
IUNE XXX DAYS.
ADVICS TO SPORTBMKIT. Tn March keep yo;ir dugs care-
fully in kennel ; at leant tuke care that none of them run
out into the fields. Any hare that goes mad In March will
fly at any dog ho sees, and, su'-uM ho bite him, the dog ia
•uro to be seized with hydrophobia
MODERN PAGANISM.—" Sacrificing1 to the Graces "
SKNTIMKST FOR JUNK.- May the sunshine of Serenity gild
the Cottage Ornfio of Content !
ED MORAL. — Mend the world rather than
selfishly- think more of mending thyself.
MianuXTED MORA!.— Confer benefits ungracioualy, and
they will the longer abide in the memory of tho receiver.
THE BIRTHDAY OP HARVEY will, If not this you-, perhaps
some other, be tho occasion whereon will be uuvcilcd a
Testimonial to the illustrious UARVET, the discoverer of
the Circulation of the Blood. Largest Circulntiuu in the
World.
A MEASURE OF CAPACITY. — The skull.
THE RULING PASSION.
Mr. Snobby Ckn<i<tso». " SEK MY DISTINGUISHED FoRF.inv FRIEND, MY LORD! HE'S AS PROUD OF ALL THOSE CROSSES AND MEDALS A*— A
lord Algernon Fitzrad (atide). "As you ARK OF GETTING ME TO COME AND DIME WITH YOL-, MR. SHOBLEY."
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
THE LANGUAGE OF FRUITS.
APPLE
Pear
Plum .
Pine
Gooseberry
Mo'.l.ir .
Service
Elder-berry
Fig . .
Bloo .
Crab .
Date .
Hip
Haw .
Plantain
Pomegranate
Prune
Discord.
Marriage-.
Wealth.
Lannuislnnent.
Simplicity.
Interference.
Assistance.
Seniority.
Defiance.
Tardiness.
Boiir Temper.
Chronology.
Applause.
Swells.
Growth.
Seediness.
Retrenchment.
SIGNS OF A SEVERE WINTER IN
LONDON.
EARLY departure of Swallows from Swallow
(Street.
Poet's Corner covered with Rime.
Wild ducks on the Stock Exchange.
Coals raised.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Give yiur eyes more
h.MiiUys than your tongue, as they are more
delicate things.
PLEASE THE PIGS. — We should like to have
MK. DARWIN'S opinion as t<> the changes a
fellow-creature must have gone through, who
makes no secret of being a " Porkman ! "
MISPRINTED MORAL. — He that can keep
his carriage is better than he that can keep
his temper.
NEW POEM BY A FASHIONABLE LADY. —
" The Loves of Bonnets ! "
PERFECT QUIET.— The Still Boom.
NAUTICAL MANOEUVRES.
(DacritMd by a landlubber.)
SAII.ISO IN THE WIND'S EYE.— In order
to accomplish this difficult manoeuvre, you
must first of all discover where the wind's
eye is, and then, if it be practicable, you
may proceed to sail in it. It ia presumed
for this purpose that the wind's eye ia a
"liquid" one.
HUGGING THE SHORE. — When you desire
t- hug tie shore, you first of all must land
on it. Then take some sand and shingle in
your arms, and give it a good hug. In doing
this, however, be careful no one sees you,
or the result of the manoeuvre may be a
strait-waistcoat.
WEARING A SHIP.— This it is by no means
an easy thing to do, and it is difficult to
suggest what will make it easier. Wearing
a chignon is preposterous enounh, but when
:i man is told that he m"st wear a ship, be
would next expect to heal- that he must eat
the Monument.
BOXING TIIK COMPASS. — Assume a fighting
attitude, and hit the compass a " smart
stinger on the dial-plate," as the sporting
papers call it. But before you dp so, you
had best take c ire to have your boxing-gloves
on, or you may hurt your fingers.
WHISTLING FOR A WIND. — When you whistle
for a wind, you should choose an air appro-
priate, such as " Blme, gentle galet," or
" Witidi, gently whilpcr."
REEFING THE LEE-SCUPPERS. — First get
upon a reef, and then put your lee-scuppers
on it. The manoeuvre is so simple, that no
more need be said of it.
SPLICING THE MAIN-BRACE. — When your
main-brace comes in pieces, get a needle
and thread and splice it. If it be your cus-
tom to wear a pair of braces, you first must
ascertain which of them is your main one.
JULY.
3rd. "Dog Pays begin." Happy nought.— Muzzles.
BPOMISO ANECDOTE.— A Boy and his Uncle go out at
Chrutmas to shoot Bay : " I suppose, Uncle, I may pop at
anything I see." Uiult : Tes, my boy. fire at nearly any-
thing. A) the Gho«t in Hamlet says, ' Murder most fowl.' "
PICTURE IN A PORK-SHOP WINDOW.
TENDEB Suckling,
Than rorjt Duckling
Plummier, tig, tig, ti^ !
De^r little Baby,
Sweet little Baby,
Nice little Baby— Pig !
SENTIMENT FOR JULY. — Stay the Whitebait never desert
the shores of Britain !
MISPRINTED MORAL.— A noble spirit despises second-
hand things, and refuses to learn from the experience of
others.
THE SMOKER'S FAVOURITE AIR. — "11 Ciifretto" (DONI-
ZETTI).
LADT GJDIVA "EWDHDRST BINDS A LITTLE Sosa
MUSIC AT HOME.
'STANDING) JUST
ONG ABOUT " WIX03 ! WlN,;s!" IK WHICH SHE EXPRESSES FIER PASSIONATE LONOINO FOB THOSE AlDB TO LOCOMOTION. MRS. HcNOKIA
HIND) IHINKS HER LADYSUIp's MODEST VlSH SHOULD BE GRANTED FORTHWITH, IF ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF HER SHOULDERS.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
QUEER QUERIES.
CAN a bill of ex, Lin;:" m-ido payable at
alxht, 1*J drawn U|Km ;i Mind man ''.
When ;in :i"t..r is -..i 'I 1" "curry thr- hoimo
\.ilh liim," is it meant that he travel* with
a port;tl>l" th' il ie .'
Why cannot a man propose " the toast of
th, c iniini: " without regretting lli:it it hud
n.. I In "ii placed in abler h.illdl?
Would ymi ci .nsidcr it :ui act "f luperflulty
if \.iu - u'v ;i chimney-sweep having his bouts
blacktdt
Have you ever known a Vegetarian attain
a "k'i'cen old agef "
If exposure to tlio weather gives yniir wife
11 ehin . 'I. ill. ,iv y.'ii not in duty bound to
give her a I'hinrhill.i?
HUNTING SONG.
(To lie Snug irlua the llouiult Mttt at Cclnty
Hatch orHanirill.)
TANTIVY ! Anchovy 1 Talitira !
Tin-- iiio.ui is up, tl-^ moon U up,
The lurks begin tly,
And liliis a scarlet buttercup
Aurora tfilds the sky.
Th'jn let us all a hunting go,
Come, sound the gay French horn,
And chase tht> spiders to and fro,
Amid the -standing corn.
Tantivy ! Anchovy ! Tantara !
MISPRINTED MORAL— The very height of
delicacy and hospitality is never to ask to
dinner any one who cannot well afford to ask
M.ii a^ain ; you neither leave him under
obligation, nor incite him to extravagance.
1'ix.i- folks cannot see this, yet it is not for
want of seeing that rich folks understand it.
FUN BY A FOOL.— Buffoon (to Porter ringing
Railujay AM). — Don't ye! I say, you'll
frighten the Engine.
BY AN ENRAGED PATER-FAMILIAS.
COULD a woman give the coals of a fire as
a J>oke as she can give to the t'i
of a friend, there would bo less sinoko m
the drawing-room.
WM-.IKN- delight in Mythological extremes.
They are always either loving somebody with
.-I A, because he is an Angel, or hating him
with a '/.. because he is a Zamiel. Now we
hive neither Angels nor /.ainiels.
THE "LOAN" EXHIUmON.
THE following effigies will be shown at the
•it : —
The Turkish I..nn, in full uniform.
The Spanish Lo.iu, after a crisis.
Loans. if all Nations— rliili.ui. Peruvian, Ac.
Loons at Sixty per Cent., dressed in Law-
Suits.
The National Debt, a group of several
figures.
ANECDOTE BY IZAAK WALTON. — One Pis-
cator, whom I will uot further name, hud a
certain acquaintance who through tlio credit
he had gotten liy his wealth, worth, and wit,
came to be made a magistrate. Whereupon
Piscat»r goes me to the river and catches a
fish, which having brought home, he sends
to the new-made Justice with a note, saying,
" Inasmuch, Sir, as you are new promoted to
the condition of a Beak, I do send you a
Perch."
BETTER TIMES. — When Woman come* into
her rights, "The Ladies" will disappear
from the list of toasts at public dinners, and
be replaced by "The Gentlemen," a lady
responding.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — Laugh heartily a
your friend's dull joke. You please him, aii. i
encourage him to try it again, when you will
be avenged on him.
AUGUST.
12th. "Grouse-shooting begins." Happy Thought.— Writ?
to friends in the North.
POACHER'S PROVERB.— Make hay while the moon shines.
APPEAL BY AN ASS.
SAT, thou who stridest on my back,
Why call me Neddy, if I 'm Jack ?
By a nickname woulds't thou provoke
The temper of thy patient Moke ?
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Never see point In » poor man's
fun : you encourage him in forgetting that he ougbt to be
unhappy until he has ceased to be poor.
SEN'iMiuirFORAuausr.— May we, like the Grouse, boon
the Wing.
COUSIN JACK (on A VISIT moil LONDON) it TOLD BY THE GIRLS THAT "FERNIXO" is THE MOST
THB SUBJECT III
" HEBE 'S SPORT, INDEED ! "-SUAKSPSARB.
AWF'LY JOLLY Frs- is' THE WORLD."
COUSIN JACK HAS HIS ows OPIXIOM OH
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOB 1872.
SEPTEMBER XXX DAYS.
STANZAS ON ST. THOMAS'S DAT
(DEC. 21^.
AI.ONK with the Immensities,
I . m^ked, as Time flew by;
I btiuuU'd to the Silences.
They gave nio no reply.
I did a Slmm. though wr.tpt iu
His thickest clmk, expose.
I kick., d :i Pimntom Captain ;
Moreover pulled his nose.
A Windhaif, thought his victim,
To in;iko of nu;, perhaps;
Immediately I pricked him,
At once ho did coll:o»>-:.
A monstrous huj-je Mud Python,
Infuriate :it ino flew.
" Ila, na ! " 1 laughed. " Now writhe
un !"
I shut him, and I slew.
SEPTEMBER.
Is*. Hanpy ThongM. — "R" iu this month;
oysters in agai^.
2nd. "Part ridge-shoo' ing begins'' Happy
T/\<Mi<iht.~- Write 'to frier.ds und scud emply
hampers. ___
FROM THE BRIDGE np SIGHS.— Some of tho
houses in that quarter of Venice, know.i its
the Ghetto, sire a* ma'-y us eight .stories hi*h.
Such a toilsome ascent reminds one forcibly
of the once popular melody--" Sielia Ghet-
tiiig up stain*."
MISPRINTED MORAL. — Riches arc the re-
ward of the industrious ; therefore, in prais-
ing the rich you pay homage to virtue.
MANUAL LABOUR. —The help extended by a
friendly hand is iijver more valuable than at
a theatre on the first night of a new piece.
SENTIMENT FOKSnrTr.MBER.— May the Birds
be young, and the Carriage p;iid !
GEOGRAPHY PAPER.
GIVE the latitude and longitude of the
Land's End and the Land's Beginning.
Who are the Dolomites ?
Define Bayswater.
When you enter at Stationers' Hall, where-
do you come out?
IA Wenham Lake in Norway, "Westmore-
land, or America ?
Do the Graiau Alps over chango their
col .ur ?
Where is Wcssex?
UNLUCKY NEW YEAR'S GIFT.— A Nephew,
to ingratiate himself with a rich hut penu-
rious old Uncle, whose ht-alth was failing
from 1 ss of tfcth, presented him, by way of
New Ye ir's Gifr, with an artificial set. Poor
fcl ow ! The fid ^eutlciaan got well and out-
lived him.
Pi.ANHTARr INFLUENCE. — Mars appears iu
conjunction with Orion's Belt, in which
spectral analysis immediately detects pipe-
clay.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — If you are wise, seek
to be admired by fools, for you instruct them
in exciting admiration for wisdom.
TASTES DIFFER.— No man likes to be forced
to eat his words, yet plenty of men are
found ready to eat their Terms.
RACING NOTE FOR THE NKW YEAR. — A
Rpui ting Gent turns over a New Leaf— iu his
Batting- Book.
VEGETAULE MRDICINE FOR FARMERS.— To
prevent Potato disease, inoculate your 'tr.turs
with Ergot cf Rye.
COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION RIPDLB, — What
part of the world is named after ELIZABETH ?
Bessarabia.
MISPRINTED MORAL. —Modesty upsets a
hundred men for one man upset by impu-
dence.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Deceivo yourself, and thus save
others the trouble of deceiving you.
MISPRINTED MORAL. — Gratitude is the weakness of
those who feel themselves undeserving of favours.
WHAT OLD GROWLER SAYS. — By George, Sir, women ara
so painted now, and mntton is .so tough, that ;i mini who
gives a dinner should be hauled by the police, for suffering
his house to be used for rouye ct gnaw.
Misrr.iXTEf* MORAL. — If you would be quit of a man's
acqualDtancd, do not dtsire that he should insult you ; let
him on* y consult you, arid it is your own fdult if you «ver
THE RULING PASSION.
*^SS! iS,"S££l™4£S^ JU8T OCCIIRRED- POOB
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
OCTOBER.
1st. " Pheasant-shootm* begins." ««ppy
Tlwuoht.— Don't forn.-t friends. \V rite to s ,y.
" I hear you 're 1'V.c'y to have good i-l>ort.
Bemwnbor to put »dur»»« otoarly.
•Jin, ' '• c f^T,
•• Holidays..'' ud Glasgow Bonks.
ll,i,, "' •" »""i''
, , . dtby friend*
to dine willi you on II, "t day.
LI i n:i! D\YS.
nry 17.— Aunt JOANNA'S legacy.
,<(lr(, 2l>._ Wil'u'n birthday ("lice '« f°ur
5 Jfand 3.— Last poor relation emigrated.
Aiini '•," — M.i.hfi in law married
and went to reside in tlio Isle »f Anglesey.
.Win/ 1. -Twenty tfiiii" •' ' '"
; ilruwcr in old tUinily i-ul>inet.
. i;i -luliy out Uilut tooth.
J,,i,/ 1!:). — Uncle Ji*nu\ returned from
Au>truli:>. inn. MI lied, with a large fortune.
/..»( 1.— Boys go back to school
• .nbrr a. —Yearly hum per from old
college friend in Norfolk. .
Uft,,l>tr m.— Two dozen of Madeira found in
tin1 i-ollar.
./!.<• 16.— Smoky chimneys cured.
! Undo Josuui's auuual
Christinas choque.
MwmsTrD MORAL. — Praising peopla to
tbatr nn:s i* like payini; tradesman veuly
/ pretend to disliko it, and they
re.illy like you.
BKSTIMKNT FOB OCTOBER.— May thero be
nothing browing but Beer !
TUB BEST PLACK is WISTEB.— "Between
two Fires. "
MHPIIHTED MORAL.— Simplicity Is a grace
to be cultivated only by the eimple.
STANZAS BY A SILENT SUITOR
Toe Mlc m» why I xpetk not.
Of my Milenc" ymi eompUln ;
YI t ll,r" hiddi'i, ri',i>nn nt-.-k no',
[•'or your teuder heart 'twould pain.
Nay, deem not altered feeling
lovu 1 bore,
Tl,.it I Kin-ink now from mealing
What I should havo owned beloro.
I 'd still call thce sweetest, dearest,
(•mild my ll]« pronounce the word :
.v utteivmi'i' '
Those eiprcssions should Ijo hoard.
1 :.ii, silel.t, gentle inaidi-n.
N,.t for want i.flovu, in tooth,
But lH.-c.iu-e, by pain o'erladen,
died out u big front tooth !
ISSAXK THIKGS TO DO.
:i i-iiiK'lo Lady to feed her Tabby with
tort Denti.-t in att.'inpt to Scale » \ValL
].',,r .1 :. irRc hi» Memory.
I'.,, ;i li -;. - - I'.itlence
Vor a Mad Woman to wear a Madder petti-
coat,
for a Butcher to bo a Vegetarian.
NEW DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
FOBFAII- forcfatl.'or-four at the farthest
bottormost.
Bob— robber— R< 'BEP.T'S.
Pond— ponder— Ponder'a End.
—Chester— chest.
Houp — fiiper — superlative.
u Sjionn'-r -1-' niest.
Step—step father— step farthest.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— B« excessively severe
upon vices, if any, which you have left off.
ing begins.
MUSIC WITHOUT CHARMS.
PUNCH'S ALMANACK FOR 1872.
HEIGHT OF HUSBANDLY IMPUDENCE.
WHEN MARY sulks (and 'tis her way),
I own our ho:irth is rather dull :
Sho scarce replies- to what I say,
And all her Talk-waves siuk in lull.
But when she smiles, I quite approve
Excursion, opera-box, new gown :
Sho knoirs it, and my thoughtful love,
To save my purse, puts on her frown.
DIVIDEND DAYS AT THE BANK.
To the Bank investors sober.
As the seasons fast fleet by.
Bush in April and October,
January and July.
Jack-a-I aii terns never chevy ;
Speculations shun, O friends !
Be contented with your Divi,
Divi, divi, dividends.
NOVEMBER.
2nd. Happy Tlnught. — Write and congi'atu-
liite ne.v Lord Mayer. Dinner at Guildhall
MI the ninth.
OCCUPATION FOR WOMEN. — Miss TRIBALLS,
a young lady endowed with strength of mind,
sets up for herself in business as a Pawn-
broker. Two to one you will call her My
Aunt.
ZOOLOGICAL NOMENCLATURE. — A female
Gorilla is imported into the Regent's Park
Collection. The Darwinists name her MARY
ANTHROPOID APE.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Counsel others to be
wise, aird they will fancy you are so, if they
ara fools, which most people are.
THK HEIGHT OF STINGINESS is to grudge a
Steam Engine its Fuel.
* UNPOPULAR QUOTATIONS.
" WE want some coals."
"They ca'.led for the rates again this
morning."
" The water-pipes have burst. '
"JANE has given warning."
"That poor child, MINNIE, hasn't a thing
to wear."
" The black-beetles are worse than over. '
" I 've heard from Mamma, and she will be
very £lad to come and stay with us."
" Cook says we must have a new kitchen-
grate."
" Shall you tnind turning out of your room
on Thursday, dear? It sadly wants cleaning."
*' HENRY ! there's some one ringing at the
front-door bell. I know those servants have
left the dining-room window unfastened.
Do go down and see if it 's the Policeman."
"Please M', will you come up into the
nursery, and spe;ik to MASTER ARTHUR? I
can't do anything with him."
"Is it the drains?"
"O, FRED ! SARAH broke your pipe when
she was dusting this morning."
"The drawing-room fire 's been smoking
all day."
" I wish those servants v?f>uld come in."
" O ! M', the cat has got the cold fowl."
" I cannot find my keys anywhere."
" My best dress is completely ruined."
" Don't you think, my love, the children
look as if they wanted a change ? "
'• The Sweeps are coming in the morning."
" Have you any silver? "
" Dinner will be three-quarters of an hour
late, dear."
"The girls think we ought to give a
dance."
" REGINALD'S trousers are up to his knees."
"There is not a drop of orandy in the
house."
"There's no hot water, and the kitchen
fire 's out."
" Hush ! I think I hear baby,"
PROGRESS.— Every drapery establishment now keeps a
dictionary— in other words a Shop " Walker."
MISPRINTED MORAL. —Make new friends, that you may
•afely affront old ones.
MAXIM roE MORALISTS.— Mosaic is the Golden Mean.
To REMOVE DOUBTS.— MRS. MAI.APROP does not approve
of this new-fangled stuff, Diabolic acid, but she is highly
delighted to see there is an Anti Sceptic.
CLASSICAL INCONSISTENCY.— ANACREON, the poet cf wine,
who probably never drank a cup of Bohea in the whole
course of"his life, is called " The 'IVian Bard ! "
SENTIMENT FOR NOVEMBER.— May the Corporation of
London ever cherish the "love of the Turtle ! "
MISPRINTED MORAL. — If you are a kindly fool, talk, as
there may be a greater fool present who lacks sympathy.
"THK FEATHERED CREATION."— Bonnets as now made.
SUSPICION.
Stout Fintor (on diicowing that, during hit untal Kap a/t<r Limthim, he hat btei tubjtcled to a grouty ptrional Practical Joke). " IT '» ONE o' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYrs-b
AT THE ' LORD NELSON' 'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW ! "
PUNCH'S ALMANACK MR 1872.
HEROISM WANTED.
MAN should be able to bear misfortune like
a man. But some shocks come very hard.
This is one. You went to bed none the
worse, let us say, for that extra tumbler of
loed toddy, sweet on the summer nights.
You sleep soundly, but the daylitfht awakens
vou, and you look at your watch. IV. l)n-
lightful. Four hours for more sleep, and as
you turn and compose yourself, comes the
knock that means shaving-water. Tho hour
is VIII. You learn all ill a moment You
forgot to wind up your watch, atnl it h:n
Kt'ipped. That wan the extra glass uf tot 1
toddy. Bear the disaster bravely — up, and
tub.
A GOOD TURN.
" THE poets are the true physicians," said a
sentimental but obese friend of ourr. After
you have eaten too much, gu into the laundry,
and turn the mangle for an hour. BVKON
knew tho virtue of this. He mentions "a
glutted tiger mangling in his lair.'
EASY 'AND ELEGANT AMUSEMENT.
THY to get some friend who is not appy
with his aitches to read this line: —
" The orn of the un ;jr is card on the ill : "
And then this: -
" A art that is umblo might ope for it ere."
Then toll him to go away. T.at 's all.
THE BEST PLACE FOR PORCELAIN.— Cheyno
Walk.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Beware of believing
good of others : doubly so of repeating it.
ANCHORITES.— Sailors.
PROVERBS FOR TABLE.
SET a thief to catch a thief :
Think of this when eating beef.
All that glitters is not gold :
Think of this when that beef 's cold.
Harm is done by too much zeal :
TUink of tliia when eating VIM!.
Lifo 's a jest, and all things show it :
Think of this when drinking Moct.
Ha|H'inoHs flies Court for garret :
Think of this when drinking claret.
Gold may oft be bought too dear :
Hunk oi this when drinking beer.
Many littles make a mickle :
Think of this when eating pickle.
Silent fools may piss for wise :
Think of this when eating rico.
Unto Rome conduct all roads :
Think of this when eating toad-.
Flog first fault : ft-incipiit obgta,
Think of this when eating lobster.
While grass grows tho horse may starve :
Think of this when asked to carve.
Shake tho tree when fruit is ripe :
Think of this when eating tripe.
Fools build houses, wise men buy :
Think of this when eating pie.
Pause, ere leaping in the dark ;
Think of this when eating lurk.
Punctual pay gets willing loan ;
Think of this when drinking Bcauno.
Wisdom asks fruita, but Folly flowera :
Think o' thit when eating cauliflowen.
Birds of a feather flock together ;
Think of this when the idiot of a cooU
has boiled the oysters in the sauce, and
made them as tough as leather.
DECEMBER XXXI DAYS
DECEMBER.
20th. Hapfy Thought.— Make arrangements to be away
for Christmas week.
25th. Happy Tfaugltt. — Merry Christmas.
26th. Boxing-day. Happy Thought.— Not at home to any-
one. Servants don't kno. 7 when you '11 be back. Perhaps
not till next July.
QUESTION KOH ZADKI EL.— Suppose the Planets are In-
habited. What sort of influence, good or bad, does this
Planet exert on people in tho others ?
SENTIMENT FOR DECEMBER.— May the Christmas Bells
drowu the Christmas Bills I
A LADY is WAITING— A Spinster aged thirty-five.
GOLDEN EPISTOLARY RULE. — Never send off to man,
woman, or child, a letter which you would not like to read
In a newspaper some morning at breakfast.
MISPRINTED MORAL.— Resent small injuries, and you
will feel great ones the less.
Is the " Angel of Islington " a good or bad Angel f
COMPULSORY EDUCATION.
TOMKINS'S FIRST LESSON IN THE ART OF " Ji-w
JJNCHT3 ALMANACK YOE 1872.
JAN-UAKY G, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
DUE QUEEN TO HEE PEOPLE.
WE open our New Volume with a record that will become histo-
rical. No more acceptable Christmas gift could have been bestowed
upon a loyal and affectionate people than that which QUEEN VIC-
TORIA has been pleased to present. It is the simple, warm, graceful
i >.\ pn ssion of a Mother's " deep sense of the touching sympathy of the
whole Nation on the occasion of the alarming illness of her dear son,
the PKINCK OF WALKS." Thus writes our Sovereign, dating, happily,
from Windsor Castle : —
" The universal feeling shown by her people during those painful, terrible
days, and the sympathy evinced by them with herself and her beloved
daughter, the PBINCESS OF WALKS, as well as the general joy at the
improvement in the PKINCB OF WALES'S state, have made a deep and
lasting impression on her heart which can never be effaced. It was, indeed)
nothing new to her, for the QUEEN had met with the same sympathy when
just ten years ago a similar illness removed from her side the mainstay of her
life, the best, wisest, and kindest of husbands.
" The QUEEN wishes to express at the same time, on the part of the
PRINCESS OF WALES, her feelings of heartfelt gratitude, for she has been as
deeply touched as the QUEEN by the great and univerial manifestation of
loyalty and sympathy.
" The QUEBN cannot conclude without expressing her hope that her
faithful subjects will continue their prayers to God for the complete recovery
of her dear son to health and strength."
" What can he do that eometh after the King ? " is the language
of the Book. He who eometh after the QUEEN will vainly seek to
write worthy comment on these words. But comment will be sup-
plied by all the hearts that are rejoicing in the happiness of a
Mother and of a Wife, and in the deliverance of a Nation from a
great sorrow.
The Festive Bored.
IN olden time the boar's head was a common Christmas adjunct
to the board. The custom, it appears, has not entirely yet died out.
If one believes one's eyes and ears, one can hardly ever join a
family Christmas party, without rinding at least one, if not more
than one, bore's head there.
THE NATIONS' NEW-YEAR'S DAY.
BENEATH the fading mistletoe in Time's wide-echoing Hall, —
The Yule-log's light still brisk and bright, on storied roof and wall —
The Spirits of the Nations, some strange, some kith and kin,
Are met to flout the Old Year out a.ndfete the New Year in.
With war-stains dim on robe and limb, fresh scars on cheek and
brow,
France strives to look as though no pains could "crush, no losses bow :
But her glance is quick and restless, and her hands are never still,
As one that, fevered inly, masks but masters not her ill.
As if in mock of Christmas wreaths,— their " peace, good-will to
What fierce hate in her eyes whene'er proud Prussia meets their ken !
Prussia that, stern and stately, her great sword, laurel-wreathed,
Bears wary, so, 'tis hard to know if bare the blade, or sheathed.
So light and lithe that stalwart frame in movement or at rest,
You scarce would deem you caught the gleam of steel below her
breast ;
Beneath the wide imperial robe, that, fire-new, sweeps the ground,
With what now seems a diadem, and now a helmet, crowned.
But mark yon maid, of loveliness more radiant and more rare
Than all the showers of gems and flowers that »tar her night of hair ;
For strength and grace to ttt that face, what music but the tongue
Wherein stern DANTE chaunted, and silvery PETRAHCH sung ?
Queen among Queens ! But never Queen full-robed and crowned
till now,
The double diadem of Home on her exultant brow !
Who notes the dust, who recks the rust, that dulls or dims its sheen,
Or asks how she came by it, or through what mire it has been ?
From sleep or strife new roused to life that lights her antique face.
No monkish train nor slavish chain to cramp her strength and
grace.
What wonder if she hardly know in •oberness to still
The throbbing of late-loosened blood, the stir of waking will :
VOL. LXII.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
| JANUARY 6, 1872-
UTILE CUM DULCE.
Inquisitii-f Gmt. " You WILL — A — THINK ME VERY INDISCREET— BUT I CAN-
NOT HELP WONDERING WHAT THIS ELABORATELY-CARVED AND CURIOUSLY-
RAMIFIED STRUCTURE is FOR. Is IT FOR ORNAMENT ONLY, OR INTENDED TO
HEAT THE HOUSE, OR SOMETHING?"
Fastidious Host. " O, IT'S THE DRAINS I I LIKE TO HAVE 'EM WHERE 1 CAN
LOOK AFTER 'EM MYSELF. POOTY DESIGN, AIN'T IT ? MAJOLICA, YOU KNOW. . .
HAVE SOME CHICKEN ? "
OLD GHOSTS AND NEW.
OF old, around the whitening embers,
One, here and there, as yet remembers
The tales of Ghosts, at Christmas season,
Which once were wont to stagger Reason.
Those tales are told no more at Christmas,
Whose Ghosts are laid beyond the Isthmus
Of Suez, all beneath the billows
Of the Red Sea, on sandy pillows.
The Ghosts with eyes of flame and saucer
Are now as obsolete as CHAUCER ;
No Ghosts now rattle chains, nor blue light
Emit, but " Spirit Lights " — a new light.
White-sheeted Ghosts have grown mere fables.
Instead of groaning, Ghosts rap tables:
With smells of sulphur ne'er assail us ;
With curious perfumes oft regale_us.
They " mediums" raise by " levitation,"
And subject them to elongation,
And in and out of windows float them,
Two stories high, lords vow, we quote them.
Fruit, flowers, ice, other forms of matter,
On tables, in the aark. Ghosts scatter ;
Live lobsters, wriggling eels, and so forth :
Thus their " so potent art " they show forth.
There is a lady, MRS. Gtrppr,
Mark, shallow scientific puppy,
The heaviest she in London, marry,
Her, Spirits three miles long did carry.
Upon a table down they set her,
Within closed doors. What ! you know better 't
And we 're all dupes or self-deceivers ?
Yah, Sadducees and unbelievers !
Some Ghosts, do, mortal hands compelling,
Write letters in phonetic spelling.
Some others, on accordions, cunning
In music, Home, Sweet Home, play, punning.
The grisly Ghosts of old have vanished ;
The ancient Bogies all are banished.
How much more credible and pleasant
Than the old Spirits are the present !
Memorandum, for Lords of the Manor.
A GAME which, when played oa Commons, becomes
illegal, is the Game of Cribbage.
Others are there, though notable, less notable than these :
See Russia, blue-eyed giantess, still rude and ill at ease :
But who can tell what undrawn wells of power and strength are there,
Under the brow that looms so broad below her fell of hair ?
And Austria, motley madam, 'twixt Vienna demi-monde,
Tyrolian nuidchen; Magyar brune, and rough Sclavonian blonde :
|f look more gracious than her mood, more potent than her power,
Trying all arts, and changing trick and toilet with the hour.
And Spain, still proud as when she walked New World and Old a
Queen,
Beneath her soiled and frayed brocades the rags plain to be seen,
Stately of snppch, but beggarly of all but sounding phrase,
Slattern at home and shrew abroad, in worse as better days.
With sidelong and suspicious looks on Russia, Austria cast,
Which scarce her yashmak serves to hide, see Turkey gliding past.
A harem-beauty out of place 'twixt angers and alarms
At the hot looks of would-be Lords, that lust to own her charms.
Casting about for shelter she draws where, hand in hand,
Fair England and Columbia, proud child, proud mother, stand :
Time was upon each other they had turned less friendly eyes,
But of late both have grown wiser than let angry passions rise.
To the side of stout BRITANNIA I see scared Turkey creep
Though BRITANNIA lifts no finger her foes at bay to keep :
But, for all her quiet bearing, there is something in her air
That brings to mind the good old saw, " Of sL eping dogs beware ! '"
Twelve struck— and I saw grey Old Time his wassail-bowl uprear,
As he called on all the Nations to drink in the New Year ;
But first to drink the Old Year out, that to his end has come,
With small cause to regret him, as he passes on to doom.
And looking on those Nations, scarce a single face I saw
But over it lay such a cloud as doubt and fear might draw :
As if all wished the Old Year gone, while yet all doubted sore
If their welcome to the New Year should be hopefuller, therefor.
Some, thinking of disasters past, worse sorrows seemed to see,
In the near or farther future, up seething gloomily :
Some thinking of advantage won, seemed scarce to trust their hold
On that advantage, lest their prize turn dust, like fairy gold.
Only methought that Britain and Columbia, 'mid their peers,
Showed eyes more hopeful, calmer brows, and lips less pale with
fears :
As having clearer view than most where surest faith should lie —
To put their trust in Providence, and keep their powder dry.
As being bent to fight the fight of common sense and truth :
Nor yield the faith therein to fear, the rights thereof to ruth :
Not give knaves, fools, or fanatics, the driving seat and reins :
Worthy his hire to own each man who works, with hand or brains.
To recognise the Heavenly rule that various lots assigns,
But ranges high and low alike 'neath Duty's even lines :
To do to others as we would that they to us should do.
To prize the blessings that we have, and others help thereto.
While Britain to this faith is firm, and puts this faith in deed,
Little to her how plenteous or how poor the years succeed.
She holds a hope good fortune reared not up, ill casts not down ;
Trusting the Power whose hand alike is o'er Red-Cap and Crown.
JANUAUT 6, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MEDICAL BARS.
Ma. PUNCH,
A PKKTTY dodge that IB of the doctors and gawbones which
Wich, afore that state of things is brought to pass, •with defence
not defiance for our motter, wot I say is, let 's nale our cullers to the
mast, No Surrender, and teke to supplyin onr customers with the
werry best ruhub, senna, and prerogative drugs, anil likewise
pilicotia, bark, prussic hncid and pizon of hevcry description, as well
have signed that there declaration respectin' Halcohol has as bin ; as Halcohol in watever form, wieh they portends is so jx-rnishus.
publish'd in the Papers. "Wot I refers to moor partickler is their \ The Doctors' liquor shops, I dare say, will shut up on Sundays—
sayin that "Alcohol, in whatever form, should be prescribed with but then no doubt but wot a short Notis outside will hinform vou
as much care as any powerful drag." Take this here along with that " Medicine may be obtained by ringing the bell," the medsin
their likewise sayin as they thinks the sale of liquors ought to be including anything on draught you may choose to namo, not ox-
rest rioted by " wise
legislation. Yah !
What 's the legisla-
tion as them medical
gentlemen would
call wise '( I won't
say, 1 should like to
know, cos why I do
know, and which
therefore please alow
me for to state, for
to put a inliten'd
Brittish Public on
their gard agin a
Doo. A liquor law
for to shut up all the
publichouses, and
confine the sale of
liquors — Halcohol in
wotsomedever form,
mind yer — to the
'pothecaries, chem-
ists, and druggists,
to be sold bunder
conditions, like ass-
nic or strikenine, or
only wen horder'd
by a fisitian's per-
Bcription. That 's
their objeck. That's
wot they 're arter.
Anybody may see
with art an i they 're
all leged together to
get the ole of the
licker trade away
from the legitimit
Licens'd Wittlers
into their own ands.
Now, Sir, just
fancy under that
sistim, if so be ever
it passes, witch Evin
forbid, what a hal-
teration we should
see direckly in
doctors' shops. In
coarse they "d ave to
be a good deal in-
larged to make room
for the Bar and Beer-
engine. Then, my
i, what a varietv of
rum labels there
would be on the big
bottles, and the re-
seavers, and resevoys
witch praps would
do dooty amongst
the fizzic for caskes
and barrels. A
young doctor chap,
as uses my ouse, and
promises to be a hor-
niment to his perfes-
sion, rote me down a
TOILETTE
(DAKK WE SAT A LA BEEFEATER ?) SUITABLE FOR LADIBS OF ROBUST FIOURB.
ceptin punch, which
cures the gout, !!»•
• "i;,rt, and the
tizzic — And it is
allowed to be the
werry best of liz/ic.
So no more at pre-
sent from your <>bi--
gent umbel Servant,
I'.ryo.
MILITARY
ECONOMY.
HERE is a fine
specimen of Army
lieforra. We cite it
from that Military
authority, the Ct-
rilian : —
" The expense of
providing and main-
taining window blinds
for officers' quarters is
not chargeable against
the public, lilindsnow
fixed, which have been
supplied free of charge,
may remain, provided
they be maintained at
the occupanU' expense.
Any occupant not wiah-
ing to retain t>ic blinds
at his own cost, will
make a notification to
this effect to the Con-
troller of the district,
in order that they may
be removed and taken
into store."
Officers' better
halves are hardly
likely to approve of
this retrenchment in
officers' quarters.
Faded furniture and
carpets wijl probably
not find much fa-
vour in their eyes,
nor will those eyes
shine any brighter
for being dazzled, as
they will be, when
the sunbeams
stream in blindingly
through the blind-
less windows. In
rooms that face due
South, a parasol will
be a useful adjunct
to a breakfast table,
and we may even
bear of officers with
weak eyes being at-
tacked bv sharp
A Minor Cannon.
few names of liquors; he says, in Doctors' lattin, along with Pil: Colo- ophthalmia, and, all owing to their blindless quarters, becoming
cynth Comp : , and Mist : Camph : , and sitch as we shall then see — helpless inmates of the Blind. Asylum.
Cereyis : Fort : XXX Burton : ; Barcl : Perk : et 800 : Integr : ; Aq : Vita
Gallic : ; Sp : Junip : Batavorum : ; Vin : Ruhr : ; Vin Alb : Hispan : ;
Sp : Sacchari Jamaicens : Opt : ; Vetus Thomas : ; Ros Montan : :
&c. ; all witch you and your honour'd readers, bein scollards, will THE new 35-ton gun, or 700-pounder, is called The Woolwich
hunderstand. Yes; and you '11 have mediekle men perecribin wine, Infant. Sweet Innocent ! Let us hope that affairs may allow it
beer, and sperrits in quantities of Oj., and 3j. or 3ij-i and 3ifs., i long to remain such. Is the Woolwich Infant supposed to be a boy
and D^iij. ; and patients will bo payin extry lees to aye the same ' or a girl? If a boy, it must be admitted that tbere was never yet
perscribed for 'em— dram drinkin in drams order'd medisinally. ; before such a Son of a Gun.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY G, 1872.
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
YORK, you* WAITED ! )
A New PLAN.— To Ei-eryone whom it may Concern.
IS a gratification to Mr.
Punch, to be able to an-
nounce that he has entered
into an arrangement with
descendants of the cele-
brated Masters Sandford
and Merton, who, with
their admirable preceptor,
the grandson of the illus-
trious Mr. Barlow, will,
during the present Christ-
mas Holidays, visit most
of the Metropolitan amuse-
ments.
One morning, as they
were sitting, after break-
fast, in their lodgings in
the Strand, TosrMY said to
Mu. BAELOW, " May I ask
you a question, Sir r "
ME. BABLOW considered
for a few moments, and
then granted the , desired
permission.
Tommy. What, Sir, is a
Pantomime P
Mr. Barlow [smiling],
Perhaps HARRY can tell
you,
Tommy. I should like
very much to hear.
Harry. You must know,
then, MISTER TOMMY, that in London there are a great many
buildings called Theatres, or Theaters, to which gome people go,
and, in cases where the free list is entirely suspended, and the
absurd system of orders is abolished, actually pay money in the
expectation of being amused by the performers. Indeed, at Christ-
mas-time, when nearly every sort of entertainment is open to the
public, it is a person's own fault if he is not constantly amused.
Tommy. But pray, HARRY, have you no more particulars to tell
me about these Pantomimes ?
Harry. You can judge for yourself, MASTER TOMMY.
TOMMY was so affected with this rebuke, that he only restrained
his tears by a strong physical exertion, which resulted in his giving
HARRY a kick on the shins underneath the table. For this, being
a boy of generous disposition, he had the good-breeding and courtesy
to apologise, in time to avert the severe damage which his head
wonld have received at the hands of his friend HARKY ; and, in order
to propitiate the justly-aroused anger of ME. BARLOW, MASTER
TOMMY offered to treat HABBY SANDFORD and their worthy pre-
ceptor to the play that very night ; a proposal which, after some
show of reluctance, both MB. BARLOW and HARRY SANDFORD cor-
dially accepted.
AT DRITRY LANE.— On their arrival in the lobby of the Dress
Circle, a kindly-spoken gentleman insisted upon relieving the party
.their coats, and gave them a programme of the performance, for
which they returned him their most sincere thanks ; MR. BASLOW,
moreover, promised him a gratuity on his leaving the theatre. Tni«
promise was accompanied by a significant look at HAREY, who fully
appreciated his worthy preceptor's conduct. As to TOMMY, he was
too full of wonder and admiration of all he saw to notice this trans-
otion, and, indeed, the questions which arose to his lips during the
evening were so numerous, that, with a discretion beyond his years,
he determined to reserve them for a future occasion.
The Pantomime was Tom Thumb.
H?rr£ The VOKES'S are very comical people with their legs.
Mr. Barlow. Yes, truly; and, being so, it is a thousand pities
any ot them should attempt to sing. Their dancing is highly amusing.
TOMMY was here very much alarmed by the appearance of a
Uiant s head over the castle wall. His fears were not allayed when
the Giant ate Tom Thumb, who, on his re-appearance from the
Uiant s mouth, was taken up in the claws of a huge bird. This
made TOMMY cry ; and it was not until MB. BARLOW had explained
him that the object of the Pantomime was to make little boys and
girls laugh, that he at all recovered his wonted spirits. However
on seeing that HARRY was smiling, and that MR. BAELOW was
composing himself to sleep, he was reassured by their demeanour
and became deeply interested in the stage representation.
At the Scene of Dresden China Watteauesque figures, TOMMY'S
delight declared itself in loud applause.
Tommy. Are those the Clowns? I thought you said, Sir, that
there was only one Clown !
Mr. Barlow. To the eye of the rightly constituted mind there can
be but one Clown ; and our mental vision is only disturbed and con-
fuscd by this multiplication of drolls.
Mu. BARLOW further explained that the Clown is human like
ourselves ; whereat TOMMY expressed himself dissatisfied.
Mr. Barlow. As the comic scenes appear to depress you, HAREY,
and as TOMMY is evidently becoming tired and cross withal, it were
best to leave.
Harry. Indeed, Sir, this Pantomime reminds me of what you told
me about the shape of the earth.
Mr. Barlow. I do not see, HAKRY, how you connect the two
subjects. There is a vast difference between this planet and a
Pantomime.
Harry. Indeed, Sir, there is ; for our planet is entirely round,
and this Pantomime is remarkably flat.
Mr. Barlow. Beware of such wholesale condemnations, my dear
HABHY ; this Pantomime has already given delight to some twenty
thousand persons, every one, it may be, as good as yourself.
TOMMY was much pleased, however, at HABBY'S application of a
scientific fact, and expressed his determination of learning As-
tronomy at once, in order that he might be as ready as HAEEY on
any suitable occasion.
On quitting the theatre, ME. BARLOW promised the box-keeper a
sixpence, whereat the poor man could scarcely refrain from em-
bracing nis benefactor. So they left.
NEXT NIGHT — COVEJJT GARDEN. — Here they saw the Pantomime
of Blue Beard. As each new Scene presented itself to their view,
they were vehemently enraptured, and thought that; no expression
of praise could suffice to express their pleasure.
Mr. Barlow. Certainly the scenery is very beautiful.
Hurry. The ladies are indeed lovely !
Mr. Barlow. They are mortal.
Tommy. 0, here is Blue Beard's procession ! I know the story !
And here are the Camels, and — 0 ! — a White Elephant !
Mr. Barlow. The Camel, my dear TOMMY, is found chiefly in
burning climates. In his temper he is gentle and tractable, and his
patience in being
Audience. Hush! Order! Turn him out!
Harry. Indeed, Sir, they are alluding to you ! Would it not he
better to remain silent, and watch a Scene which gives everyone so
much gratification ?
MB. BARLOW perceived the sense of this remark, and confined
himself to explaining to TOMMY, in an undertone, that ME. MAC-
DEEMOTT, who played Blue Beard, had been, till lately, an actor at
the Grecian Theatre, where he was considered "funny;" but that
here his humour seemed to be limited to an imitation of one ME.
CLARKE, an actor of burlesque parts most favourably known to
playgoers ; and, indeed, the audience seemed to be largely of MR.
BARLOW'S mind, for it was not until Mr. Blue Beard danced,
which he did cleverly, that they testified their approbation of his
drolleries.
Mr. Barlow. This Scene of the Amazons' Encampment will attract
the whole town. It is indeed a magnificent spectacle.
Tommy. There must be thousands on the stage !
MR. BAELOW smiled at this, and was about to demonstrate, mathe-
matically, the improbability of more than three hundred of the corps
de ballet being on the scene at once, when his attention was attracted
to the Grand Transformation Scene by vociferous applause, in which
he was conscientiously able to join. On their quitting the theatre,
at eleven o'clock, the boys were loud in their praises of what they
had seen.
Harry. How diverting were those French dancers ! and the
Shadows !
Tommy. And the Clown with the two boys ! and their fiddles and
musical bells !
Mr. Barlow. You are right. With the comic scenes and the
Clown came the fun peculiar to this species of amusement, of which
there was, amid all the glitter and splendour, a lack. And perhaps
this is as it should be ; for why term the Harlequinade " the Comic
Scenes," unless they are so by comparison with the previous portion
of the Pantomime ?
Harry. Your observation, Sir, reminds me of the entertaining story
of Sophronius and Kydaspes, which TOMMY has not yet heard.
HARRY was about to commence the tale without further parley,
when it was discovered that T9MMY had slipped out of the room,
and had, it was supposed, retired to bed. Mit. BARLOW therefore
intimated that, as he had heard the story before, it would be better
if they both followed their young friend's example.
HABBY submitted to this arrangement ; and when the two boys were
assured that their worthy preceptor was asleep, they took his latch-
key, and sallied forth to enjoy themselves at EVANS'S snpper-rooms.
JANUARY 6, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A VIRTUOUS VESTRY.
K it known that a sort of
FairurmiseellaneousMar-
ket is held in the New Cut
(excuse mention of such a
place) every Sunday morn-
ing. There do people of
the baser sort buy their
Sunday dinners, and other
matters which they fancy
they want. The Lambeth
Vestry, justly indignant
at such goings on, ap-
pealed to (.'oi.fixKr. HK.N-
DI:I:SON to put a stop to
tlicm. That haughty and
isti<! official declared
that lit- should do nothing
of the sort, unless the
shopkeepers who keep
their shops open on Sun-
days were also obliged to
respect the day of rest.
\Vi- pitytheColonel'swant
of logical power. What is
there in common between
a respectable shopkeeper, who pays rates, and a low person who
wheels a barrow, or rents the flap over a cellarage ? The Vestry
scorned such terms, and have been taking the names of the vendors
at this fair, and such addresses as the miserable creatures oould
give. Summonses have been issued, but the matter stands over
for a few weeks.
At the end of that time, Mr. Punch cordially trusts that the
Lambeth Vestry will sternly carry out their plan for promoting the
respectability of the New Cut, and if COLOXI.I, HKXDKKSON again
refuses to help them, let appeal be made to MK. BBUCB. There is
not the least pretence for holding the Fair. Let the people in and
about the New Cut buy their fish, meat, and the rest of their luxu-
ries on Saturday. What is to prevent them from doing so. Wages
are always paid at an early hour on Saturday, and by four o'clock
on that day the wife of an artisan has always received from her
husband the bulk of his earnings, less perhaps by a tritle which she
playfully returns to him, that he may have a pipe and a pint before
going to bed. He would be considered a bad fellow if ne did not
give her the money, or if she had to coax it out of him late, or to
take it from his pocket when he had sunk into the gentle slumber of
intoxication. That he should surlily refuse it, .and strike her, and
force her to wait until morning brought better temper, is too mon-
strous an idea. " Our flesh and blood'' never does this sort of thing.
Let the Wife therefore'make her purchases on Saturday. Let her
take her fish and meat home. We are perfectly aware that they are
perishable articles, but we suppose that they can be put into the
pantry down-stairs, or that, if domestics or cats are distrusted, the
food can be placed in the refrigerator. That article is cheap enough,
anyhow, and a very good one can be got for three or four guineas,
anil it is the affectation of ignorance to say that ice is not at hand,
for we know that the Wenham Lake carts go round several times a
week— this we state from our own knowledge, and we hate senti-
mentality. By this means not only will oftence to the refined
natures of the Lambeth Vestry be avoided, but the vendors of the
articles will be released from work, and enabled to attend places of
worship. To their own declaration that but for Sunday trade they
must go to the workhouse, we lend a deaf ear. Morality cannot
yield to Necessity. A prudent man will earn his income in six days.
If he cannot, we must echo the remark made by a conscientious
person at a meeting on the subject, and say, " Let him starve."
Mr. Punch strongly upholds the Lambeth Vestry in this business,
and thinks their conduct quite worthy of the reputation they have
so long borne. He is much displeased with the Colonel of Police,
and hopes never to have to say, in MK. POPE'S words—
" Stern HENDKRSOS repented,
And gave them back the Fair."
If Vestries will enforce Sabbatarianism, and if Alliances will
totally deprive the weaker classes of the Refreshments of which
they mostly make bad use, we shall raise the standard of national
morals, and entirely efface the discontent which some persons believe
is felt with national institutions.
SEASONABLE SENTIMENT. — May the Commission of Inquiry into
the Megtera business get to the bottom of it !
HOROSCOPE FOR 1872.
WITH the aid of this ingenious little instrument, the horoscope,
which is simple in construction, easily cleaned, and to be had of all
respectable dealers throughout the kingdom in gold, silver, mother-
of-pearl, ormolu, aluminium, and other suitable materials, a clear
insight may lie obtained, on a tine evening, into the more salient
events of the year one thousand eight hundred and seventy-two.
The observations we have been enabled to make with one of these
instruments (fitted with the patent self-acting forecaster) are go
startling that, without loss of time, we hasten to lay them before
the world, for the guidance and direction of reigning Sovereigns,
Cabinet Ministers. School-Boards, Members of Parliament, Mayors,
Magistrates, Mothers of Marriageable Daughters, Managers of
Theatres, Newspaper Editors, Speculators, and others, who may be
•.us to make their arrangement! at once for the ensuing twelve
months.
Parliament will meet early in February, a i. w days after it ceases
to be legal to slaughter pheasants. It will be prorogued early in
August, about the period when grouse-shooting becomes a lawful
pastime.
The HOME SECRETARY will withdraw several measures in the
course of the Session.
The London School-Board, by the active interposition of its
Beadles, will clear the streets of from ton to twenty children.
Australian meat will appear on the bill of fare at the Lord
Mayor's banquets.
In the month of February a most serious astronomical occurrence
will take place, one which ought to make a great noise in the world,
and is likely to be attended with disastrous consequences to those who
may be unfortunate enough to be on the spot— the full moon will
fall on Saturday, the 24th.
There will be at least one new cookery-book published during the
year.
Good port wine will become scarcer and dearer than ever.
The CnANCELLOB OF THE EXCHEQUER will, in his annual Budget,
propose a tax upon one or more of the following articles : — calling
cards, dolls, pins, perambulators, umbrellas, and wigs.
The Mines Regulation Bill will be brought before Parliament ;
also the COLLIMI affair.
There will be a show (the first) of guinea-pigs, white mice, par-
rots, bullfinches, and squirrels at the Crystal Palace. The Vv<
OF LAUNCESTON, LADY IDA DOWN, and the Honourable Mas. ALFRED
WABBLEMOBE will act as Judges.
Several new animals will be added to the collection in the Zoo-
logical Gardens.
The jury in the Tichborne case will retire when the trial is con-
cluded, and, after deliberating for several days, will return into
Court late at night, and deliver their verdict amidst breathless
silence. The LORD CHIEF BARON will have a sleeping apartment
fitted up in the Westminster Sessions House, that no time may be
lost in calling him up to receive the verdict.
Several Colonial Bishops will return home.
An eye should be kept on the Pope, the Orleans Princes, the Irish
Roman Catholic Bishops, the Publicans, the Republicans, the
Spiritualists, the Ritualists, SIB CHARLES DILKE, MB. WHALLEY,
MB. BUTT, and MB. BROCK, the pyrotechnist, as they may all be
expected to do extraordinary things.
An eminent Archdeacon of the Established Church, well known
in the West of England, will conduct the services at MB. SPUBGEON'S
Tabernacle, and MB. SPUBOEON will exchange pulpits with him.
A new Opera will be brought out on the last night but two of
the season.
There will be some failures in the City, and constant stoppages in
the streets.
The British Public will remit large sums 9f money for the relief of
the Chinese, and allow charitable institutions at home to languish
for want of funds.
MB. JOHN BROWN, MB. THOMAS JONES. MB. WILLIAM ROBINSON,
MB. JAMES THOMPSON, MB. CHABLBS JACKSON, and MB. HENBY
SMITH will contract matrimonial alliances after harvest.
The Gulf Stream will be heard of again, probably for the last
time, the tendency of modern scientific investigation being to show
up that bugbear as a humbug.
MB. DISBAELI will deliver an address de omnibus rebus et quibut-
dam aliis, at Glasgow at Easter, and on Cottage Cookery at
Hughenden in the autumn.
Letters will be addressed to MB. GLADST9NE demanding expla-
nations from him as to his religion, his relations, his favourite poet,
and his private account at his banker's.
Oysters will be sixpence apiece.
Spain will have one or two new Ministries.
The estimates will include a vote for the purchase of robes and a
wig for the new SPEAKEB.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 6, 1872.
A VOICE FROM THE SEA.
" 0 LET ME KlSS HIM FOR MIS MOTHER ! "
MARK LEMON.
IT became our duty, some weeks ago, to invite the attention of our
readers to the fact that a Memorial Fund, in aid of the Widow and
unmarried Daughters of our late lamented friend, MARK LEMON, had
been opened. On a page at the end of our present issue will be
found the list of those who have subscribed to the Fund. Several
donors have been generous, many have been very liberal, and thanks
are due to those who have " done what they could." But the aggre-
gate amount as yet obtained is altogether inadequate to the purpose,
that of making a permanent provision for those so dear to one
who never lost an opportunity of doing a kindness. It is with
reluctance that, after examining the list, we admit to ourselves
that very much is owed to private friendship, and comparatively
little to public recognition of the noble character and the merits of
MAKK LEMOX. Believing, as we sincerely believe, that we may
account for this by supposing that thousands are still unacquainted
•ith the fact that their aid is invited, we re-iterate our Appeal.
Wo venture also to ask our contemporaries, who have already so
ably and kindly promoted the object, again to perform that labour
of love. We, lastly, call attention to the notice at the foot of the
list, stating how subscriptions can be forwarded. Some misap-
prehension on this point may have retarded the liberality which
we refuse to believe will not be shown to those who possess such
inherited and such personal claim to the kindly consideration of all.
Juvenile Oulosity.
A SAGE said to a Schoolboy, home for the holidays, " A contented
mind is a continual feast.'r "Is it:-" quoth young Hopeful, "I
should rather say that a continual feast was a contented mind "
THE RETICENCE OF THE PRESS.
THE American Press admires the reticence which the British
Press has practised during the seventy odd days occupied in hearing
one side of a cause which will be celebrated. The English Press
also takes credit to itself for that reticence. It is, doubtless, exem-
plary. By not interfering with, we know how much it furthers,
the administration of Justice. A trial such as the great lawsuit now
pending, or any other in a British Court of Law, is determined,
we all know, simply by the weight of evidence, in relation to which
the minds of the jury are mere scales. The Counsel on either side
respectively confine themselves to the production of true evidence
each on behalf of his client, and the refutation of false evidence
advanced for the opposite party. The Judge is the only person in
Court who expresses any opinion on the case which could possibly
influence the jury ; his opinion being expressed under the obligation
of strict impartiality. No barrister, whether counsel for the plain-
tiff or the defendant, ever attempts to bias their decision either by
sophistry or appeals to their passions and prejudices. It is there-
fore highly necessary that the Press should abstain as strictly as it
does from any explanation or argument with reference to a pending
suit which, how sincerely soever meant to instruct, might possibly
have the effect of misleading the jury sitting thereon.
If, indeed, Counsel were usually accustomed to employ the arts of
oratory, and the dodges of dialectics, in order to make the worst
appear the better cause in the eyes of twelve men more or less liable
to be deceived and deluded, then, indeed, the reticence of a respect-
able and intelligent Press, in abstaining from any remarks capable
of helping a jury to deliver a righteous verdict, would not perhaps
be quite so purely advantageous as it is now.
Riddle for the Young Folks.
WHY are the two letters at the tail the most sensible of all the
Alphabet ?— Because they are the Wise Head.
JANUARY G, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
MY HEALTH.
ALK over all these
arrangements at
dinner. Then, as
We have, I'KMiM.I.
tolls me, to !«• up
early for otter-
hunting, -we de-
termine upon going
to bed early.
Process of Going
to lied Early.—
MRS. PEN DELL re-
tires at nine, having
seen that " every-
thing we want " is
left out on the
sideboard. PEN-
DELL observes that
he shan't be half
an hour at most
before he 's up-
stairs. I yawn, to
show how tired I
am, and corroborate
his statement as to
the time we intend
to pass in front of
the fire.
MBS. PENDELL
has retired. PENDELL wishes to know what I '11 take. Nothing,
I thank him. PENDELL doesn't " think^-um — that — he'll — urn —
take anything," and stands before a row of bottles with the critical
air of a Commander-in-Chief reviewing the line. It almost looks
as if ho wanted a bottle to step out of the rank and invite him to
make up his mind at once and take a drop of htm. In order
not to prevent him from enjoying himself, I sacrifice myself, and
say, " Well, I '11 have just the smallest glass of whiskey/' PENDELL
is of opinion that no one can do better than whiskey, it being, he
says, the most wholesome spirit.
We whiskey. The quarter-past arrives. We take no notice of it,
except that PENDELL remarks that that clock is about twelve
minutes fast, in which case, of course, we have nearly half an hour
at our disposal. Conversation commences. We somehow get
upon Literature, especially upon the subject of my Analytical
jfiitaim of Motion. PEN DELL quotes a line from somewhere. We
can't think where it is to be found.
This leads PENDELL to the book-shelves. While he is up, would
he mind just mixing me the least drop more whiskey — and water,
plenty of water. He does so, and continues his search for the book,
ending by bringing down the Ingoldsby Legends. " Do I remember
this one P " he asks me. No, I have forgotten it. He thinks the
line he quoted is there. He is, he says, going to give it at a Penny
Reading, and has already done so with great success. He reads a
few lines.
Flash. — Ask him to read. Nothing so pleasant as the sound of
some one reading poetry when you 're very tired, and are sitting
before a good fire. Light a pipe as an aid to listening comfortably.
Better than going to bed. Besides, if he reads, it's his fault that
we don't go to bed early, as we told MRS. PENDELL we would.
He reads aloud. I interrupt him occasionally (opening my eyes
to do so), just to show I am attending, and twice I dispute the pro-
priety of his emphasis ; but I don't sustain my side of the argument,
from a feeling tnat to close my eyes and be droned to sleep, is pre-
ferable to straining every nerve in order to talk and keep awake.
11 o'clock, p. M.— PENDELL stops, and says, " Why, you 're asleep ! "
Ai. \r ^fWffy -» • iu.» i i . -> i ' i . 1 1 1< .^ n ' j '.^, . i i in Dt*j Dt Y A* j j j vi* ftV **o
I reply that he is mistaken (having, in fact, just been awoke b
feeling as if a spring had given way at the nape of my neck), but
own. candidly, to feeling a little tired.
" Urn ! " says PENDELL, and puts his selection for a Penny Reading
away. Bed.
Morning. — Am aroused by PENDELL, who is always fresh. " Lovely
morning, he says, opening the curtains. [Note. — When you 're
only one quarter awake there 's something peculiarly obtrusive in
any remark about the beauty of the day. To a person comfortably
in bed and wishing to remain there, the state of the weather is
comparatively uninteresting, unless it s dismally foggy or thoroughly
rainy, when, in either case, you can congratulate yourself upon your
cleverness and forethought in not having got up.] " Is it ? I ask.
Through the window I see only mist and drizzle.
" Just the morning for otter-hunting ! " exclaims PENDELL, en-
thusiastically. Then, as he 's leaving the room, he turns, and says,
" 0, by the way, I 've just remembered that Old RUDDOCK'S pretty
sure to be out with the hounds. He 's great fun. out hunting."
This stirs me into something like exertion. Otters and RUDDOCK.
RUDDOCK, during a check, setting the field in a roar.
At Hreakfatt.— " Urn," says PEN DELL, thinking over something
as he cuts a ham, " we shan't want to take anything with us, because
Old PK.NOI.VKK gives us lunch. He 's*e. picture of an Old English
Squire is PKNOLVKK. Quite a picture of a — um— yes — -" here he
apparently considers in himself whether lie has given a correct
definition of I'KMH.VKK or not. He seems satisfied, and closes his
account of him by repeating, " Yes^-um— yes— an Old English
Squire, you know— quite a character in his way," (I thought so,)
" and you "11 have pasties and cider."
" Pasties '. " I exclaim. The word recalls Bluff KINO HAL'S time,
the jollifications — by my halidame ! — gadso ! — crushing a cup, and
so forth. Now I have the picture before me (in my mind's eye) of
the Old English Squire, attended by grooms bearing pasties and
flagons, meeting the Otter Hunters with spears and dogs. Good !
Excellent ! I feel that My Health will be benefited by the air of the
olden time. And perhaps by the pasties.
" Do any ladies come P" I ask.
"Safe to," answers PKNDELL. "last day of hunting— all the
ladies out— sort of show meet, and lounge."
Pasties, flagons, dames, gallants with lutes, and pages with
beakers of wine. I am all anxiety to start.
The Drire.— Bleak, misty, sharp, dreary. I am in summer cos-
tume of flannels, intended for running. Hope we lhall have some
running, as at present I 'm blue with cold and shivering.
Six miles finished. — We get out at a tumble-down roadside inn.
Three boys, each one lankier and colder-looking than the other, are
standing together with their hands in their pockets, there being
evidently among them a dearth of gloves. A rough man in a
velveteen coat and leggings appears, carrying a sort or quarter-staff
spiked. I connect him at once with otters. PENDKI.I. returns his
salute. This is the Huntsman. The three chilly boys are the Field.
We are all shivering, and evidently only half awake. Is this what
PENDKLL calls a " show meet, and a lounge P "
Flash.— To say brightly, "Well, it couldn't have been colder for
an otter hunt." The chilly boys hearing this, turn away, the man
with the spear takes it literally and is offended, " because," he says,
"we might ha' had a much worse day." PKSDELL says to himself,
;houghtfully. " tTm — colder — ottet — ha! Yes, I see. I've made
that myself lots of times." I thought that down here, perhaps, it
wouldn't have been known. Never risk an old joke again. If I
feel it's the only one I've got, preface it by saying, "Of course
you've heard what the Attorney-General said the other day to
(some one)?" and then, if on being told, they say, "O! that's
very old," why it 's not your fault.
A fly appears on the road with the Master. He welcomes PEN-
DELL and friend heartily and courteously. Is sorry that it 's the last
meet. Thinks it 's a bad day, and in the most genial manner pos-
sible damps all my hopes of seeing an otter. " A few weeks ago,"
he says, " there were plenty of otters."
Flash.— To find out if that spearing-picture is correct. Show my-
self deeply interested in otters.
The Master says that spearing is unsportsmanlike. Damper
number two. No spears. We walk on, and get a little warmer.
More " Field " meets us : some mounted.
Note on Otter-Hunting. — Better than fox-hunting, because you
trust to your own legs. You can't be thrown, you can't be kicked
off, or reared off; and, except you find yourself alone with the
otter in a corner, there's no danger.
Note Number Two. Additional.— Yes, there is one other danger.
A great one.
Here it is : —
We have been walking miles along the banks of a stream, cross-
ing difficult stepping-stones, climbing over banks eight feet high
[thank goodness, impossible for horses], with drops on the other
side, and occasional jumpings down, which shake your teeth,
but still you land on your own legs, and if you fall you haven't got
a brute on the top of you, or rolling over you, or kicking out your
brains with his hind hoofs. We number about sixty in the Field.
The shaggy, rough hounds are working up-stream, swimming and
trotting, and stopping to examine the surface of any boulder which
strikes their noses as having been lately the temporary resting-
place of an otter. A few people on horseback are proceeding, slowly
in single file, along the bank. Difficult work for them. Ladies, too,
are on foot, and all going alon^ as pleasantly as possible. Suddenly
a cry— a large dog is seen shaking its head wildly, and rubbing his
front paws over his ears — another dog is rolling on the bank —
another plunges into the river furiously, also shaking his head
as if he was objecting to everything generally, and would rather
drown than change his opinions.
Another cry.
Horses plunging — one almost into the river — shrieks of ladies —
exclamations from pedestrians — the field is scattered — some attempt
to ford the river — some jump right in — some on horseback cross it
10
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
IJANUABT 6, 1872.
J
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.
Squire (who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of his
Peasantry). " HULLO, WOODRUFF I WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! How DID YOU
GET THAT t ! "
Labourer. " 0, IT'S NAWTHIN' PAKTIO'LAR, SIB. LAST NIGHT— AT THE
WHITE 'ART, SIR. BUT — (in extemiation) — CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR— ON'Y Ones
A YKAK ! "
MONODY ON M'GEATH.
MASTER M'GRATH has passed away ;
He breathed his last on Christmas Day.
He quitted this terrestrial sphere,
In doghood's prime— his twice-third year.
He was a dog of high repute.
But now he '11 be for ever mute.
—Though living he gave little tongue—
Ah, well ! the dogs we love die young.
MASTER M'GRATH, old Ireland's pride,
The fleetest Saxon dogs defied,
Alike to run with him or kill :
His legs, once limber, now are still.
This peerless paragon of hounds,
Did win his good lord— LURGAN— pounds
By thousands ; dog as good as horse —
The canine Courser is a corpse.
He was presented to the Q.UEEN,
As many a puppy may have been,
Who yet that honour lives to boast-
But is not worth the dog that 's lost.
M'GRATII returns to his Dam Earth.
The papers mostly to his worth
Publish a tribute, not too long,
A paragraph— and here 's a song.
They won't continue, for a week,
Each day about M'GRATII to speak
In memoirs, and in leading columns,
To preach of prosy sermons volumes.
Upon the Dog defunct that lies
Briefest is best to moralise,
As every dog, then, let us say,
Must have, M'GRATH has had his day.
Happy Dispatch.
WE have just read in a delightful hook that "Japa-
nese verse is for the most part lyric or descriptive." It
is of two kinds, " Uta," of purely native growth, and
" Shi," of Chinese origin and structure. The difference
between the Japanese and the English is that nearly
all the modern poetry of the latter is Shi.
shouting — some plunge into the plantation on the left — some are
running back upon us ! A panic.
Mad bull, perhaps — if so — with admirable presence of mind I
jump into the water up to my waist, and am making for the opposite
side, when a roan, running and smoking a short pipe, answers
my question as to the bull with —
"No! Wasps! Wasps' nest !!" In a second I see them. At
me. Pursuing me. I dive my head under water. Wet through !
Scramble up bank. One wasp is after me. One pertinaciously.
My foot catches in a root, I am down. Wasp down too, close at my
ear. A minute more I am up. Wasp up too, by my right ear.
An Inspiration. — It flashes across me that wasps hate mud.
Don't know where I heard it. Think it was in 'some child's educa-
tional book. No time for thinking. Jump — squish — into the mud !
Over my knees— boots nearly off. The last thing I see of PENDELL
is holding on his spectacles with his left hand, and fighting a wasp
with his stick in his right. Squish — flop — flesh ! . . . Up against a
stump— down in a morass. Wasp at me. Close to my ear as if he
wanted to tell me a secret. I won't hear it ! Now I understand why
the dog shook his head. Through a bramble bush (like the Man
in the- Nursery Rhyme, who scratched both his eyes out and in
again by a similar operation), and come out torn and scratched,
but dry as a pen after being dragged through a patent wiper of
erect bristles. No wasp. Gone. I am free. But still I keep on.
That 's the only great danger in Otter- Hunting. At least, that I
know of at present.
I pick up the man with pipe. Kindest creature in the world. He
has two pipes, and he fills and gives me one. He says, " Wasps
won't attack a smoker."
Flash.- Smoke.
PENDELL comes up.
He has not been stung.
Urn !— aha ! " he says ; " narrow escape ! "
The Field is pulling itself together again. PENDELL chuckles.
"Did you see Old RUDDOCK?" he asks. " There were two wasps
at him."
No! It appears that Old RUDDOCK has been quite close to me
throughout the day. Yet there was no laughing crowd, and I
haveir t heard one of RUDDOCK'S jokes bruited about. Odd. Wonder
how the wasps liked RUDDOCK.
RAILWAY REFORM.
AT a meeting of Railway Directors, which will probably be held
in the middle of next week, it will be resolved, in order to increase
the safety of the public, that no pointsman, guard, or engine-
driver, shall ever be on duty much more than six-and-forty hours
at a stretch ; and that every such servant shall always, when on
duty, he allowed at least four minutes, no less than three times
daily, for enjoyment of his meals. With the like view of security,
it will also be resolved that porters shall on branch lines be required
to act as pointsmen, signalmen, and ticket-clerks, and that due and
timely notice of the changes in the time-bills shall on no account be
furnished to the drivers of goods trains.
To the Afflicted.
A WORD of comforting advice to all those — and they are many —
both men and women, who are nursing a secret sorrow, grieving that
they are short, small of stature, below the average size. Let them
think of those more than consolatory words, in that famous passage
in Henry the Eighth, where SHAKSPEARE speaks of — "the blessed-
ness of being little."
JANUARY 6, 1872]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
11
EASILY SOLD.
SCENE — Railway Station in a Town where Highland Reyinxnt is quartered. Foxhunlers taking Train for the Meet.
Little London tient. " HE AIN'T GOING OUT HUNTING, TOO, is HB?"
Funny Friend. "OF COURSE HB is."
Little London Gent. " WELL, BUT— WON'T IT BE BATIIEB RISKY BIDING IN THOSE Toos ?"
HINTS ON CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
(-By a good Old-fashioned Clown.)
KNOCK at a shop-door, and then lie down flat in front of it, so
that the shopman, coming out, may tumble headlong over you.
Then bolt into the shop, and cram into your pockets all the big
things you can find, so that in trying to get out, you cannot squeeze
them through the doorway. For instance, if it be a watchmaker's, I
clap an eight-day kitchen clock and a barometer or two, let us say, '
in your right pocket, and a brass warming-pan, or some such little
article of jewellery (as you will take care to call it) in your left one ;
taking pains, of course, to let the handle stick well out of it. If it
be a butcher's, pouch a leg of beef and half a sheep or so, and be
sure not to forget to bring a yard or two of sausages trailing on the
ground behind you. Then, if you can't squeeze through the door-
way, the simplest plan will be to jump clean through the shop-front,
and in doing this take care to smash as many panes of glass as you
are able, crying out, of course, that you took " great pains" to do
so. En passant, you will kick into the street whatever goods are
in the window, and then run off as quickly as your heels can carry
you.
If the shopman should pursue you, as most prebably he will, make
him a low bow, and say that it was really quite an accident, and
that of course you mean to'pay him— indeed, yes, " on your honour ! "
If he won't believe you, punch him in the waistcoat, and batter
him about with his barometer and warming-pan, or sausages and
mutton.
Should a policeman interfere, and want to know what you are up
to, catch up your red-hot poker (which you will always have about
you), and hold it hidden behind your back, while you beg him to
shake hands with you, because you mean to " square the job " with
him. Then, when he puts his nand out, slap the poker into it, and
run away as fast as your stolen goods will let you.
But after a few steps, of course you most take care to let the
handle of your warming-pan get stuck between your legs, and trip
you up occasionally ; and you will manage that your sausages become
entangled so about you that, at every second step, you are obliged
to tumble down and roll along the ground, and double up into a
heap, till the policeman, who keeps up the chace, comes close enough
to catch you. Then you will spring up again, and, jumping on his
back, you will be carried off to Bow Street, with the small boys
shouting after you; or, else, if you prefer it, you may " bonnet"
the policeman, and run away and hide yourself ere he can lift his
hat up, to see where you are gone to.
SCIENCE FOR THE SEASON.
SIB CHABLES LYELL, according to a correspondent of the Daily
Telegraph, is credited with the saying that there are three things
necessary for a geologist : the first is to travel ; the second is to
travel ; and the third, also, is to travel. This seems to mean that
your geologist must travel, travel, travel over the face of the earth
in order to be enabled to explore its interior. The earth is round ;
so is your plum-pudding : the earth has a crust ; so has your minoe-
pie. Happily, conditions like those needful for the exploration of
the earth do not delay analogous researches.
Problem for the Poet Laureate.
THE Knights of KING ABTHUB'S Round Table of course formed a
Circle when they sat round it. Tournaments in general used to
come off in lists ; but can the Author of The Last Tournament
inform a Spiritualist whether, in a stance of ABTHITB'S Knights at
Table, there was ever any table-tilting ?
12
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUAUT 6, 1872.
MRS. WASHTUB ON TELEGRAMS:
An drat them nasty telegrams that keeps folks all in Bitch a flurry,
Whenever there's the least to-do, with constant worry, worry,
worry !
I recollect in my young days when there was no sitch expectation,
And news to travel took its time, suspense was bore with resigna-
tion.
What was to be, we used to say, would be, and couldn't be pre-
wented,
Which 'twas consolin' for to think, and made one happy and con-
What would be we should live to see, if wo lived long enough, 'twas
certain,
And p'raps it might a mercy be the future was behind the curtain.
Misfortunes came, as come they must, in this here wale of trile and
sorrow.
But then, if bad news come to-day, no news was like to come to-
morrow.
No news was good news people said, and hoped meanwhile they
might be better,
Leastways until the next day's post brought 'em a paper or a letter.
'Tis true, relief as soon may come, sometimes, by artificial light'nin'.
When days and weeks of dark and storm you 've undergone afore
the bright'nin' :
All's well as ends well, thanks be praised, the croakers found their-
selves mistaken—
But by them plaguy telegrams how my poor old narves have bin
shaken !
CHBISTMAS PKESEXT ros IDE CLAIMANT.— Coleridge's Works.
TWELFTH NIGHT.
THE closing night of the Christmas season is observed by every
nation in Europe, except Switzerland, in which country the Repub-
lican form of government introduced by W. TELL (the first Presi-
dent), prevents the recognition of Kings and Queens.
Throughout England, particularly m those rural districts where
the study of physics is yet in its infancy, great importance is
attached to the weather on Twelfth Day. Tho occurrence of rain,
or wind, or sleet, or snow, or hail, or the appearance of the Aurora
liorealis over the roofs of the Bank of England is considered a most
favourable augury, and in some counties determines the day on
which the sowing of the Spring wheat commences. But the slightest
indication of the Zodiacal light is dreaded as a sure forerunner of the
turnip-fly, and the connection of a parhelion with protracted drought
is established by a long series of observations, reaching as far back
as the Reformation.
Most lawyers are of opinion that under the provisions of an old
Act of Parliament, still unrepealed, it is illegal to solicit a Christ-
mas box after twelve o'clock on the 6th of January.
If Twelfth Night falls on a Sunday, the harvest will be late ; if
on a Monday, the back door should be carefully looked to on the long
evenings ; if on a Tuesday, pilchards will be caught in enormous
quantities ; if on a Wednesday^ the silkworms will suffer ; if on a
Thursday, there will be no skating on the Serpentine during the rest
of the year ; if on a Friday, the apple crop will be a failure ; and if
on a Saturday (as this year), you should on no account have your
hair out by a red-haired man who squints and has relations in
the colonies. The sceptic and the latitudinarian may smile super-
ciliously at these predictions, but they have been verified by inquiries
conducted at centres as wide apart as Bury St. Edmunds, Rother-
ham, Dawlish, Rickmansworth, Kirkcudbright, and Cape Clear.
CHBISTMAS PKESENT FOE SIH CHAHLES DILKE.— Packet of Court
Plaster and some Household Bread.
NEW TEAK'S "NOTE" TO CORRESPONDENTS.
ME. PUHCH, in spite of his emphatic and repeated Notices and
Explanations, being still copiously afflicted with Communications
from Persons whom he has not invited to take the liberty of address-
ing him, issues the following $otc, and advises such persons to study
it closely.
He calls them " Correspondents," but does so only for convenience.
A Correspondent means a person who not only writes, but to whom
the recipient of the letter also writes. Ninety-nine out of a hundred
of those who address Mr. Punch are, and will be, unanswered,
except by this Note.
Let all understand that he is answerable for the real or supposed
value of No literary or artistic matter which may be sent him,
unasked. This is law. _ Let all understand that at the earliest
possible moment after his discovery that such matter is useless to
him, it is Destroyed. This is fact.
Notice also that stamped and directed envelopes, for the return
of such matters, will not operate to the fracture of his rule.
After this notice, " Correspondents " will have no one but them-
selves to thank for the Snub Mr. Punch's silence implies.
But is he unwise enough to believe that the plague of foolish
Correspondence will thus be stayed ? Verily, no.
He expects to continue to receive —
1. Jests that have appeared in his own pages, but which
are warranted to have Been invented, or heard, " the other
tar."
2. The jeet of the day, one that has been heard a million
times.
3. Profane, and even lower jest», sent by creatures who
pretend to be readers of I'imch.
I. Idiotic jeste, usually laid upon the shoulders of "my
iltle boy," or " my youngest girl." Punch would pity the
children of such parents, but that he generally disbelieves
in the existence of the Innocents.
5. Sketches, to be used in his next without fail, or, if
rejected, to be instantly returned. These burn well, and he
prefers those on cardboard, as they crackle prettily.
6^ Things, literary or artistic, that have been " dashed
The mere word " dash " is the cue for instant fire.
7. Compositions, poor in themselves, whose insertion is
prayrd because the authors are poor also. Is Mr. Punch to
perform his charities at the expense of society ?
8. Aged jokes, possibly recently heard for the first time
yn i £ Sender, but more probably copied from print.
9. Post-Cards, or communications with the Halfpenny
Stamp. These are all selected by his Deputy-Assistant-
Under- Secretary, and destroyed unread.
10. Absolute Stupidities.
Let them come. And when a Sender getteth no answer, let him
take counsel with himself, and consider to which of the above Ten
Categories his work belongs. One will certainly fit it. To this
Table Mr. Punch will make reference when he may please to do
so. Let intending Contributors learn it by heart.
Now, laying down the Chopper of LTCUBGTIS, and putting on the
Smile of PLATO, Mr. Punch, raising the festal goblet, wisheth to all
his faithful and true Disciples, those whose handwritings ever give
him joy and gladness, —
A HAPPY NEW YEAH,!
JANUARY 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13
#
A STRAIGHTFORWARD VIEW.
Sigh Church Curate. "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A
CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THB EAST ? "
Literal Churchwarden. " WELL, SIR, MY OPINION is, THAT IF THB CLERGYMAN
is GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THB CONGREGATION ! "
POKES IX PANTOMIMES.
Noir omnia pottumus o»»i*t ; we are not all Popes, nor
should we be omnipotent even if we were infallible. The
Daily News is a journal of ability ; but there is a certain
inconsistency, the cause of which it declares itself unable
to fathom : —
" That all personal allusions to the private lives of individual*
should bo eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed,
we sympathise with Da. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE,
the actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired
the price of a good thick stick ; but why, in the name of
common sense, when caricatures of Slit. GLADSTONE and Hit.
LOWE weekly appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a
day passes without these gentlemen being attacked in print on
account of one or other of their public act*, every harmless joke
upon their official doings should be expunged from the panto-
mimes, surpasses comprehension."
Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in
theatres a place called the Gallery. This place is occu-
pied by a peculiar description of audience and spec-
tators. In the theatre, by physical position, they con-
stitute the higher orders, out in common talk are
contrariwise named. Of old. bloated aristocrats were
wont ironically to style them the Gods." Enlightened
Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their
value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now
the People of the Gallery are not accustomed to read
humorous journals in which caricatures of the People's
WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear weekly. It
they were, it would be necessary for the humorous
journals to be very careful in caricaturing those popular
Ministers, lest caricatures should endanger their popu-
larity. The People of the Gallery are our flesh and
blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take
jokes too seriously. If the Clown in a Pantomime were
to tread upon a match-box, and get blown up sky-high,
or if, assisted by the Pantaloon, he presented a working
man in an arsenal with a sack, these performances, to the
occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless jokes,
but the effect produced by them in the electoral way
would probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with
friends and relations of match-venders and dockyard
labourers.
The Best Tonic.
THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as
alive as ever to the cheering effect of " good spirits " on
their patients.
PROBABLE INTELLIGENCE.
THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced
of the injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its
total abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he
undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be
voted.
MR. AYETON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to
being able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and
also to defend the action of the Government in resisting all attempts
to improve the National Gallery.
In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR.
WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own
residence as an asylum for the POPE, whole exiled from his kingdom.
It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat
the Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent
them _from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds
occupied so long with one subject.
It is considered almost certain that M. THTERS will seize a very
early opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of
the COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA.
The game slaughtered at the battues of eleven noble sportsmen
(all members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed
among the East-End poor.
It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the
provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced
this season, without containing any humorous allusion to " the
Claimant."
MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from
Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for
a confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother
embraced the Jewish faith.
More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have with-
VOL. LU I.
drawn their names this season, and have transferred their subscrip-
tions to the Humane Society.
Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government
are : (1) a Bill for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers ;
(2) a Bill to Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty
Weather; and (3) a Bill to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the
Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse.
The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in
political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief
command of the vessel of the State.
It is considered highly probable that, following the good example
of some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the
very highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with
little placards of " No FEES ! "
JUST A HINT.
Is there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, de-
scribing a Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY
betook himself to the heather, and, having scratched himself with
one hand, and cast up an account with the other, suddenly waxed
furious, and drew his sword ? We hope that certain Transatlantic
friends of ours will not bring in so tremendous a bill against us, as
to make it cheaper for us to fight than to pay. For we love them
very much, but we are obliged to be awfully economical in these
Gladstonian days.
Mathematical Intelligence.
IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a
circle. Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve
years old, he will back himself on any given morning to get round a
square.
14
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1872.
" WE ARE SUCH STUIF
As DREAMS ARE MADE OF "
Tempest.
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BABLOW took his two
young pupils was the STRAND THKATHE. Here they saw Arion, or the
Story of a Lyre, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen,
played by MESSRS. PACLTON and TERKT, whose duet of "Walk Up
and See my Show," they so vehemently applauded as to draw forth
a reproof from their worthy preceptor, who, however, on observing
that these comedians seemed to be possessed of an inexhaustible
stock of fresh verses applicable to the circumstances of the times,
was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the commendations
which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon this
portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both
ToirirY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever
evinced any musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs
they had heard at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their
praiseworthy endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that
he would take them again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY
(whose father, being a very wealthy man, had recently bestowed
upon his son a handsome Christmas gratuity) would pay for three
stalls, or at least three places, in the Dress Circle.
On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see ME.
WATTS PHILLIPS'S play of On the Jury, followed by a Pantomime
called I.ltll,- />/.•/•// H'ilrer.
At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their
overcoats and hats ; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example,
on the occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost,
expressed his gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate
manner.
TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself
acquainted with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set
himself diligently to learn.
Mr. liarlow. At this theatre you will behold a constellation of
talent.
- Tammy. But pray, Sir, what is a " constellation " ?
" Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars
remarkable either for their brightness or position, or both. These
stars, joined together, are termed ' constellations.' Here you have
three Stars— ME. WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and Miss FFRTADO."
Tommy. Then these are, as you say, Sir, " remarkable for their
brightness or position."
Mr. liarlmv. Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make
you acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars
in London.
Tommy. Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use
is it to know the StarsJ?
Mr. liarlow. There are some, and those very important, uses to
be derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you
tell MASTER MEETON the story of The Free Admission and the
Grateful Turk.
HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn
up, disclosed to them the First Scene of On the Jury.
Mr. liarhw. This would indeed be a very good piece, but for
faulty construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic
situations, it has not, at this present moment, its equal in town.
You have been silent, TOMMY, for some time.
Tnmim/. Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted;
and as for one of your Stars, Miss FURTADO,— Dear Heart ! I protest
I could watch her every evening with the greatest delight.
MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY
in his usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the
example of the poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.
" What is that, Sir ? " inquired TOMMY.
" They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command,"
said MR. BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden im-
pulses of passion so common among Europeans. And see, you have
split your new white kid gloves in applauding this young lady."
Then turning to HARKY, he asked him if he had not been touched
by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this piece.
' Harry. Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. Mr. TMetts
was a hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have
played more admirably than the gentleman who took the part of
Defter Sanderson, Esq.
Mr. liarlow. You mean ME. PUELPS, and you are right. It is
indeed a fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and
yet such a thorough finish, in this performance, that it would be
worth the while of many of our younger actors (who flatter them-
selves on their consummate art, in consequence of having been
unduly praised for their few achievements) to come here and take
a lesson from ME. PHELPS.
ME. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should
he wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene,
and its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last
Act. He further complained that it should be thought necessary to
commence it at seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this
ought to be, with a Pantomime.
TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this
point, and insisted upon stopping to see the Clown. They were
somewhat disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed them-
selves prodigiously delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery.
On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their over-
coats, wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected
by this kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured
its contents (four bright new farthings and three peppermint
lozenges) into the honest fellow's hand, saying, " Here, my good
man, take this, and Heaven bless you ! " It is impossible to express
the surprise of the poor man at the sight. He stared wildly round
him, and would have fallen but for the tender support of his assist-
ant, who imagined that his companion had lost his senses. But the
man cried out, " 0, WILLIAM, I am not mad ! See what Providence
has sent us by the hands of this little angel ! " Saying this, he held
up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them both,
and said, " My good friends, you are very welcome to this : I freely
give it to you. Spend the money soberly ; and, for the lozenges,
give them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves
in your leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were
totally unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their
tears, TOMMY was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and
HARRY to the door.
ME. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HAEEY to Ev.usrs's
Supper Rooms, to enter which place they had to pay a shilling
apiece. This troubled their worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was
painfully struck, as he informed his young friends, by the altered
aspect of the interior. ME. BAELOW explained to them that in his
time the room was snug, cosy, and comfortable, and only one quarter
of its present size. That then there were neither carpet nor tavern-
like mirrors. "True," said ME. BARLOW, "that all that was
i ;ui, u&u miry sprites, siv IUVISLUIG, nuu
listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR. BAR-
LOW, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend,
who would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at
JANUARY 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
15
once, and give the order himself, returning to see if you
were comfortably served. Then the waiters ikw, and
to command was to have. Now, TOMMY, observe I
have spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my
supper more than twenty minutes since, and it has
not appeared. Scr Mu. UKIEN himself" (the veteran
here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear
boys, MAMKKS SANDKOKD and MEHTON, wandered away
to another part of the room), " he is no longer Pro-
prietor ; he is only nominally in authority, his occupa-
tion is, in tflrct, gone ; he is the only connecting link
between the past and present EVANS'S, ' retained,' to
quote his own immortal line about the lamented VON
JOEL, ' on the establishment, in consequence of his long
services.' "
So affected were both HABBY and TOHMY by MB.
BAKLOW'S discourse that they begged to be allowed to
quit a place which only aroused so much sadness in the
breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving,
ME. BAKLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which
he had taken, whereupon the waiter begged to be
remembered, which MB. BABLOW, being blessed with a
good memory, willingly consented to do. But the
waiter candidly explaining that he was expecting a trille
for his trouble, MR. BAKLOW could not refrain from
expostulating with the honest fellow on the absurdity
of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the
old and palmy days of EVASS'S there was no charge
for admission, and the attention bestowed on visitors
being admirable, it was a pleasure to bestow some
srutuity upon the attendants, which was always
received by the money collector at the door with a
grateful " I thank you, Sir. Good night, Sir."
While ME. BAKLOW was thus addressing MASTEBS
HAKEY and TOMMY, the waiter was summoned to a dis-
tant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended the
steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent
Garden.
"Farewell, EVANS'S!" said ME. BABLOW, sadly; "I
know not that I shall darken thy doors again ! "
" What you were saying, Sir," observed HABBY on
their reaching their lodgings, " reminds me of the story
of Tigranes and the Amphibious Slack."
Mr. Barlow. I do not think TOMMY MEET01T has
heard it.
Harry. Well, you must know, MASTEK TOMMY
But TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed.
MB. BABLOW, who knew the story by heart, having,
indeed, himself told it to MASTER HABBY, then took
SANITARY SERMONS.
08T of onr contemporaries
have lately improved an
alarming occasion with
many monitory observa-
tions on typhoid fever.
The whole of these, how-
ever, reducible into a few
words, may be jiretty
well summ> d up in tin.-
caution, — Look to your
drains. In addition. Or.
Punch begs to offer a
piece of advice gratis to
all persons in possession
of his universal remedy,
price 3tL, -hi. stamped,
to counterfeit which is
piracy. Look to your-
selves.
Pestiferous as ia the
atmosphere of sewers, not
only do rats live, but
labourers work in it, the
former wholly, the latter
for most part with impu-
nity. The rodents get
acclimatised, unless it be
that instinct impels them
to take some sort of vege-
table or other preventive
of zymotic ana mephitic
diseases. As for the
working-men, they smoke
pipes of tobacco almost
to a man, and aa gnerally
prescribe for and ad-
minister to themselves
icohoi in some one or other of its forms, commonly that of something short
which, if asked to give it a name, we will call gin, or euphemistically, Old Tom.
not to say, dyslogistically, blue ruin, for the useless sake of pleasing the United
Kingdom Alliance ; those conspirators against the potatory liberty of the sub-
ject who hate us youth, and specially abhor Punch. The gin-drinking,
prevalent among the population of the slums, comes of a sense which is
medicinal, and the medicine would, in effect, be altogether salutary but for the
tendency of people to take it in over-doses.
--------------- M _____ _ Everybody knows how continually medical men are exposed to all manner of
his candle, and wishing HASEY a very good night, contagion, and how very seldom they catch any disease. They, it is true, are
retired. not in the habit of asking particularly for gin on coming out of a sick-room :
hut they are accustomed to take, or do, whatsoever may be requisite to main-
T th_e b°dily conditions which resist or expel poisonous or morbid effluvia.
Look to your drains, by all means; but look also to the natural gates and
i xmrnTT »
AJNIltll.h.
IT is pleasant to make honourable mention, in Mr. alleys jf the body— keep them clear, and permeable, and pervious. By what
Punch's columns, of anything bearing the name of ™eans ' -therein the patient may minister to himself if he can, or else should
JEBROLD. The latest appearance of this name is in m(lmre of his doctor, who will let him know. There is, however, a popular
conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DOBE— a household P.1114061 which he will find invariably efficacious. The prophylactic as well as
word. Two artists have been making a pilgrimage tneraPeu«c virtues of Punch, of Punch's Pocket-Souk, and Punch's Almanack,
through London together, and each, with his own imple- ?-re ^ universally known and so deservedly celebrated that any recommenda-
ment, is recording his experiences, the result to be a tlon.Deyond the merest reference to those powerful tonic, stimulant, and anti-
beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has l?ptl? Publications would be superfluous puffery. How much caution soever the
appeared. Mr. Punch is glad to welcome a new '^uHy may recommend in prescribing alcohol in whatsoever form, they are of
memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as that unammous opinion that nobody need hesitate to give or take any quantity of
city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the ™nc""
parts most likely to attract the eye of M. DOBE, that it
will soon be all as colourless as a Boulevard or Regent
btreet. If MR. JERROLD will slww M. DOEE anything
FAIR PLAY FOR LOOSHAI.
respectable contractors for building purposes.
Royal Clemency.
WE have heard, with gratification, that the remainder
ot the sentence on JOHN POYNTZ SPENCEK, who was sent
to Ireland in 18«S, and who has since been immured in
Dublin Castle, is likely to bo remitted. His admirable
conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and
his return will be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that
feu- aSTrampl£ exPiat«d the political offence of being a
Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an honourable
future is in store for him.
, I •! • T» • • 1 V •« •*rvv4f.* -L*. Pl.lLLLIt*! ^Ji ttt t IH, 11 C~
quently prevails m British India ; the lower class of natives constantly substi-
tuting Nucklow for Lucknow." Call these people savages ! Why, they are as
witty as most members of the Stock Exchange. What higher flight can the
latter generally attain than the feat of calling " ROBINSON AND THOMSON"
TOBINSON AND RoMSON," or saying that JONES lives at " Wampton Hick ? "
We hope that these Orientals will be treated with as much consideration as mi
be. They are none so uncivilised, as times go. Perhaps they like burlesques.
as may
Parallels for the People.
A BRIGHT idea is that of establishing "Public-houses without Drink."
Would it not be improved upon by the institution of Restaurants without
Meat?
16
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1872.
VIVIFYING TREATMENT OF A PARTNER.
(A Tragedy of the last ff arrogate Season.)
Young Lady (to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places). " Now 1 'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND
I VE SEEN THE BRIUHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, AND WE HAD A MORNING IN
YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE
WATERS, AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. Now YOU MAY BEGIN CONVERSATION." [Utter Collapse of Partner.
COME ABOARD, SIR !
" COME aboard, Sir ! " to the Captain
Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B,
As he touches his tarpaulin,
Smart and sailorly.
And the watch look pleased as Punches,
Officers and men,
For A.B.'s like JOHN are always
Welcome back again !
Over deck, and spars, and rigging
JOHN he slues his eye ;
Gives a seaman's squint to leeward,
Scanning sea and sky ;
At the binnacle he glances,
Notes the course she steers ;
Nought on board or in the offing,
Scapes his eyes and ears.
For the ship has seen hard weather,
And some people say ;
CAPTAIN GLADSTONE ain't the man he
Was the other day :
And if you believe the croakers,
Officers and crew,
Don't pull with a will together,
As they used to do.
Certain 'tis, since JOHN BRIGHT left her,
His sick leave to take,
The old craft, in last year's cruising,
Had an ugly shake.
Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way ;
Badly fouled her screw :
Scraped her copper, if she didn't
Start a plate or two.
Certain 'tis, with crew and captain,
Officers also,
Things don't go on quite as pleasant
As they used to go.
There 's been some high-handed doings,
Some quite the reverse ;
Some 's took sick, and some 's took sulky ;
Some took soft, or worse.
There's sea-lawyers — donkey-engines
Can't their slack haul in ;
You may stop their grog, you '11 never
Stop the yarns they spin :
There 's your discontented beggars,
Nothing e'er can please ;
There 's your pennywise 'uns, nibbling
At the dips and cheese.
There 's your mutineers, for mischief
Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown ;
Never pleased unless they 're turning
'Tween-decks upside down.
There 's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking
Work, whoever strain:
Trimmers Cox's traverse working —
" There and back again."
Green-hands, as can't fudge a reckoning,
Of a watch in charge ;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JAN L-AKY 13, 1871.
OFF GREENWICH.
JOHN BRIGHT. " COME ABOARD, SIR ! "
CAPTAIN GLADSTONE. " GLAD TO SEE YOU, JOHN. GLAD YOU 'RE A.B. AGAIN. IF IT COMES ON TO BLOW,
WE MAY WANT YOUR ASSISTANCE."
13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
19
Looking after the Britannia,
And can't steer a barge !
Fur the Captain has his fancies—
When he 's picked a man
For a job, whoe'er can't do it,
lie s the chap as can.
Anyway the ship 's the better
By a good A.B.,
Now JOHN BRIGHT is all a-taunto,
And come back to sea-
Be 't to talk to the blue-jackets
Like a "cute old salt ;
Con the ship, or call the soundings,
Hide or slang a fault —
On the yardarm, big guns blowing,
Weather ear-ring take ;
With bright yarns, to keep the watches
Spry and wide-awake ;
So as to give cyclones the go-by,
Safest course 'to steer :
Canvas when to spread, when shorten,
With a lee-shore near —
No A.B. in the Britannia
I'.rltiT knows than Jonir :
Which let's hope that CAWAE* G. will
Take his advice thereon.
Well we know that now JOKX 's buckled
To his work again,
'Twill for officers be better,
And for ship and men !
CHRISTMAS BOXES FOR BEAUTY.
A NOVEL kind of Christmas Box is suggested
by a legend which Mr. Punch lately beheld
in the window of a hair-dresser's shop —
" Presents for Christmas." It was posted in
the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box
containing a quantity of false hair is the
Christmas-Box thereby presented to the imaei-
nation of the passer-by. But who would offer
it to a young lady P Such a present is equiva-
lent to the gift of a wi$. It is a Christmas-
Box or a New Year's Gift of a class in which
may be included several other articles of a
similar description, but more useful, and much
more ornamental. For instance, you might
give a friend in need, personal and pecuniary,
a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set 01
artificial teeth.'or the "Guinea Jaw "of our
friend the Dentist, or a glass eye, or a gutta-
percha nose, or a wooden leg.
Some of the " Presents for Christmas" above
referred to were Chignons which looked like
horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for
Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable re-
semblance to the tail of a comet, from which
eccentric luminary the idea of those pro-
digious top-knots may possibly have been
borrowed. Astronomy, along with Geography
and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a
branch of female education. An intelligent
girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested
to describe the Coma Berenices miglit, or
might not inform her questioner that it was a
celestial Chignon.
"OUR WIG!"
AMONG the names of possible candidates for
peakership was that of MB. SAMUEL
WHITBUEAD, Member for Bedford. He would
be an excellent Speaker, but, as matter of
humanity, Punch must have opposed this selec-
tion. Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor
League, imagine the success of a Bill for
putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson
of \Vnrri!BEAD having to say " That this Bill
do pass ! "
MY HEALTH.
OMF. we return from
otter-hunting. Tired,
but expecting a
"Nicht wi' RUD-
DOCK." He is to bo
at dinner, and a few
very intimates are
coming in the even-
ing. The few " very
intimates " have no
distance to drive —
merely a matter of
eight miles or so.
From my window
I hear carriages <lra wr-
ing up exactly at two
minutes to seven
o'clock. Punctuality
in Cornwall is the soul
of pleasure.
Odd: at the last
moment I can't find
either a collar or a
white tie ! " Come,
Desperation, lend thy
furious hold ! " Rum-
mage in the drawers,
in the portmanteau.
Staggered. Where
con it be? — the collar,
1 mean. Rummage
again. Getting hot
and excited. Ought
always to come down
to dinner calm, cool,
and collected. I shall
be the only one late,
and I hadn't to come
twelve miles to
dinner. No excuse except the real one,—" Couldn't find my collars, or a tie." Only one
thing for it. Ring the bell, and ask servant.
" 0 yes. Sir ! We were changing the drawers from this room to Master's. I dessay,
Sir, they re in there." They are. Rapture !
Flash.— Stirring subject for operatic and descriptive music— A Gentleman's Toilet
in Difficulties.
Next Difficulty. — Drop a stud suddenly. Hear it fall close by my foot. In fact, I feel,
from some peculiar sensation in my foot, that it is here, on the floor, close to me. No.
Hunt for it. Can't see it anywhere. [Mem.— Never travel without duplicate studs.
Won't, another time.] Still stooping: feeling about the carpet. Hands getting dirty
again, hair coming unbrushed, face growing warm and red.
Flash, — The stud being, as it were, an excrescence on the carpet, can be perceived by
lying on the floor, (like an Indian listening to hear if anybody 's coming,) and directing
your eye in a right line. After this, [clothes-brush required. Stud found at last
exactly where I thought it had been at first.
Another Difficulty.— Time getting on. 7'10. PEKDELL by this time anxious below.
Every one arrived. I picture to myself RUDDOCK in | the drawing-room, filling
up the mauvais quart d'neure by satirical reflections on the dandy (me) who hadn't
time enough to beautify himself for dinner.
I should be down now, if it wasn't for the button on my collar-band. I feel that
it 's all over with it, if not touched gently. Once off, and worry will be my portion for
the remainder of the evening. And I know what is the result of attempting to pin it.
Note.— " Curses not loud, but deep." Quotation adapted to circumstances.
Last Difficulty, I hope.— Alter treating the button with suppressed emotion, dash
at the white tie. I find myself asking myself, " Why the washerwoman will fold it all
wrong, and starch it so that the slightest crinkle shows ? " I have no answer. Of course
at any other moment I could tie it at once, and have done with it ; but now first one
end 's too long, then the other end 's too short ; then, on the third trial, the middle part
somehow gets hopelessly tucked into itself, and I am pulling at it, by mistake, for one
of the ends. . At last. I get it something like all right, but not everythingthat
could be desired. Waistcoat. Coat. Handkerchief! Where 's handkerchief ? Where
is — . . .ha! Down-stairs.
Everybody waiting, evidently. Apology. " Ah ! " says PENDBLL, " um— ah— now
you 've come, we '11 — um " and rings the bell.
I recognise some of our companions out otter-hunting] to-day. Galaxy, too, of
Cornish beauty, which means the darkest, brightest eyes and the clearest, freshest com-
plexions. Not being introduced, I look about for Old RUDDOCK. There is an elderly
gentleman sitting at a table looking over a photograph book. This is the nearest
approach to Old RUDDOCK that I can see. Dinner announced. I take in Miss BODD, of
Popthlonack, and follow the TBELISSACS, the TMGONIES of Tregivel, and MAJOK
PENOLVEB, with MBS. SOMEBODY of Somewhere. Whom RUDDOCK takes, I don't know.
A Discorery. — I am seated next to Old RUDDOCK of Ruddock, at dinner. PESDELL
introduces us. A hale, hearty, elderly gentleman, with, if any expression at all, rather
a sleepy one, as if a very little over-feeding would send him into a doze.
Now then for a "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK! "
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUABY 13, 1872.
AMBITION.
Jfr. Tittups (suggesting impossible Sank to full-sized Nimrod). " DON'T YOU THINK WE COULD HAVE IT HERB, SIR ?'
POETRY OF FACT.
AT the festive season of the year particularly/people commonly
complain that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years,
nothing happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting,
and the dearth of news is generally so extreme that journalists are
actually driven to fill their columns with theological controversies.
The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the
device of putting them into metre, as in the As in Pmsenti and the
Propria qua Maribut of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the
contents of the Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less
prosy than they sometimes are by being versified ? The telegrams
would, perhaps, he peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, where-
unto they seem to lend themselves in virtue of their characteristic
conciseness, which it would enhance. The electric wire on New
Year's Day transmitted a certain message from Rome. Here it is in
the form of blank verse :—
The King to-day received the Ministers.
The Deputations Parliamentary,
The State's great Officers, the military
And the municipal authorities,
And other delegates. His MAJESTY
Thanks for congratulations did return
To those who tendered them, occasionally,
Upon the New Year's Day ; and he expressed
His hope that, 'twixt the representative
Great bodies of the People and the State,
The concord which, the national unity
Doth to complete essentially conduce,
Would ever oe maintained.
The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus : —
The QUEEN walked in the Castle Grounds this morn ;
The DUKE OP EDINBURGH, LOUISE, of Lorne
The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride,
For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide.
PKINCE ARTHUR, by SIB HOWARD ELPHINSTONE
Attended, went to Dover, too, anon.
Right Honourable GLADSTONE here has been
To-day, and had an audience of the QUEEN,
The Premier, after that remained to lunch,
The dinner-party included Mr. Punch,
couched in
Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be (
lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article : —
The English funds, this blessed day,
Have no fresh movement known,
Save of one-eighth a rise had they,
Which could not hold its own.
Consols so little looked alive,'.
As quoted but to be
At ninety-two one half, to five-
Eighths, for delivery.
Excitement did the day throughout
The Railway Market thrill ;
Shares have been briskly pushed about,
And prices risen still.
A hundred thousand pounds in gold
Came, at the Bank, to hand,
And much for discount there, behold !
Increased was the demand.
Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example : —
At Worship Street came PETER FAKE, a young thief,
Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief.
For three months, with hard labour, committed was he,
And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be.
The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt
More than he had expected, burst instantly out
In a howl, of a sort which description would mock ;
In the midst of it he was removed from the dock.
And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be
JAXUABY 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
adopted by some enterprising journalist, prepared to
afford the necessary remuneration to competent poets
In the event of another war, the communications of Our
Special Correspondent might fall naturally into the forn
of an Epic, shaped and determined by the course o:
circumstances. The title of a journal composed in verse
might be, for want of a better, The Poetical Newt.
THE SPEAKEE.
THE announcement that the present SnUDBof th<
of Commons is about to take his well-earne<
pension and Peerage, and that the election of a suc-
will be one of the first Acts of Parliament when
it meets in February, has occasioned much writing in
ncwupapers and conversation in the social circle, in
rompt -1 ition with the Temple of Justice, Clubs for
\Vorking-Men, the State of the Streets, and the " inso-
y " which accompanies the festive season.
AB some misconception appears to prevail regarding the
s ; i \ K ER'S exalted office, especially amongst the younf
and gay, and in rural districts, Mr. 1'mn-h, the besi
"Popular Educator" has (with the valuable assistance o:
SIR EUSXHTE MAT) compiled a few notes on the sub-
ject, which in his leisure moments he hopes to be able to
expand into a voluminous treatise, worthy to take its
place by the aide of EnfieltTs Speaker, or anybody
rise's.
The office of Speaker is as old as the Saxon Wit-
tenagemot, but the mace now borne by the Serjeant-at-
Arms is not the one which CROMWELL impetuously
(idled a " bauble." That interesting relic of a !>;,
ago is said to be in a private collection in the United
State*.
The SPEAKER is in the Chair whenever the House is
not in Committee. If it be asked, when is the House
in Committee, the answer is simple — whenever the
SPEAKER is not in the Chair.
The young and the gay and the country population
have been led astray by the SPF \ u nit's misleading title*
— the fact being that the SPEAKER does not speak, except
on very rare occasions.
The SPEAKER hears all the speeches which are made
during the time he is in the Chair, for he must never
sleep while on duty ; but as most of those who have filled
the office have lived on, Session after Session, we may
hope that they did not consider themselves bound
always to listen. Even, however, with this relaxation,
the poor composition, the defective grammar, the arid
statistics, the threadbare quotations, the hesitations, the
repetitions, the bad delivery, the awkward action, the
wrong emphasis, MR. DENISON must have heard and
seen through fifteen long years, cannot but have caused
him untold suffering. It seems almost incredible that
there should be any competition for the horrors of such
a post.
The SPEAKER has a salary, a secretary, a chaplain,
a counsel, a residence, and an allowance for keeping the
Mace in order. When he retires, he has a peerage and
a pension, and is allowed to take his Wig and Gown
and Chair away with him.
The SPEAKER, although not one of the commoner sort,
is the first Commoner in the land.
The SPEAKER is entitled to many privileges. He can
show friends (not exceeding four at a time) over both
Houses of Parliament without an order from the Lord
Chamberlain ; he can take books out of the Library on
leaving a small deposit ; he can call a wherry and go on
the river whenever he pleases ; every tenth cygnet born
between Lambeth and London Bridge is his by prescrip-
tive right ; and he is at liberty to charge the Consoli-
dated Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may
require during official hours, and with all cab fares to
and from the House.
The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority
is when he "names" a Member. The miserable man
is committed to the Tower for life, and allowed no
book to read but Hansard ; his estates are forfeited to
the Crown, and once a year, on the day when he com-
mitted the offence for which he was " named," he is
taken by the Constable of the Tower in a tumbril to
Westminster, to beg pardon of the SPEAKER and the
House on his knees.
* Lucus a non luctndo.—Sil. Hal. de Arbor., xv., 1019.
.
IN VINO MEMORIA!
Major Porttolcen (a pretty constant Guest). " I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS ISN'T—
(another sip) — THE PAMB CHAMPAGNB ! "
Scotch Sutler. " NA, THAT'S A' DUNB ! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZBN ; AND
YE 'VE HAD YEKK SHARE O'l, MAJOR ! ! "
The SPEAKER may be either a bachelor, a married man, or a widower, but
lie must be one of the three.
If a new Member shows any eccentricity in his dress, manners, speech, or
general deportment, the SPEAKER asks him to tea, and quietly points out to
liim the impropriety of which he has been guilty.
At 2 A.M., at a moment's notice, without any opportunity of consulting autho-
rities, the SPEAKER may be called upon to state what was the practice of the
Bouse in the reign of EDWARD THE THIRD, or to remember a precedent esta-
blished during the time Snt THOMAS MORE filled the office, or to enforce a
Standing Order coeval with the Long Parliament.
BRAVO! BUMBLE.
" A t a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated that an address was
about to be presented to Her Royal Highness the PBINCBBS LOUISE of Hesse, by way of a
iiiblic appreciation of her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the PRINCE OF
WALES. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a cabinet, containing the p)K to-
graphic likenesses of those signing the address — Sheriffs and other officers in their
respective uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes."
A MORE interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to imagine,
•specially, if, as the . encouraging words, "and other officers" incline us
,o hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and town-criers, with
jossibly a selection from the police, are included in the cabinet. Perhaps it
would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs' officers. A fac-simile autograph
underneath each photograph, with the addition of the writer's usual formula
of subscription — " Yours truly," " Ever faithfully yours," &c. — would
materially ^enhance the value of the present. Everyone, who can appn -
nate good taste, in combination with retiring modesty, must be struck with
his, the latest outburst of corporate zeal ; and the impression such a delicate
attention as the offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some
of the most remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign
nations, already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors,
annot fail to be most gratifying to the nation s vanity.
22
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 13, 1872.
MCRE OFFICIAL CENSORSHIP OF PANTOMIME.
Policeman. " I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED A QUIET PERFORMANCE ; BUT TO BEGIN INSULTIN* THE LAWB UNDER MY WEEY EYES ! —
(Waxing wroth)— MOVE ON ! OR BLOW'D IF I DO.V'T RUN YER IN ! "
SURPRISING A CASTLE.
THB least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle
has been burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration,
tiuestion is raised whether LORD WARWICK should accept these, lest
the public should consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain
right in the Castle, and that the Earl's legend will have a second
meaning, when affixed over the new buildings : Vix ea nostra i-oco.
Ine suggestion is unworthy and sordid. Mr. Punch would like to
see a vote of the Commons in aid of the subscription for conserving
about the noblest relic left to us. He would be glad to say to the
harl, m LORD WARWICK'S own words in the Temple Garden, after a
certain rose-plucking-,
" This blot that they object against your House
Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament."
The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one
to walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness ; and if castles
are capable of astonishment, Mr. Punch would again quote W. S
to the Earl, and say, " Your Castle is surprised."
Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!
WE have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of
us seem to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Com-
missioners, .Boards, Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities,
ideed, any responsible and rate-levying body which has got into
bad ways, to do their duty to our paths ; and if not this winter,
icrnaps the next— or, not to be too exorbitant, the next after that
-to keep the pavements and the roadways passably clean? It
would be a satisfaction to those of us who have reached middle age
to think that we may yet live to see the streets of London, and
other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than country
anes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad ?
THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN.
"It is stated that VICTOR EMMANOTL sent GENERAL PRALORMO to the
Vatican on New Tear's Day to wish the POPE the compliments of the season
on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was informed by CARDINAL
ANTONELLI that the Holy Father was indisposed, and could uo't, therefore,
receive him personally. The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments
of the King, and the General left. A few hours after, the POPE was com-
pletely recovered, and held his usual receptions."
THE faithful should congratulate the POPE upon his rapid, almost
miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King s emissary
was out of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more
favourable, and the Court physicians were released from their
attendance. We notice, only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression
which appears to exist that the Holy Father was " indisposed, " in tb e
primary sense of the word, as worldly sovereigns have been before
now ; for it is not for an instant to be supposed that a Cardinal
would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any excuse which was not in
accordance with the strictest truth.
Theological News.
His GRACE" the DUKE OF SOMERSET, some time First Lord of the
Admiralty, has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say
that he is not ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He
is by no means complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may
be condensed into his own motto, Foi pour Devoir, translated
subtly. In these days everybody seems ready to instruct us in
religion — except the Bishops.
JUSTICE TO IRELAND.
MOTTO FOR A BOTTLE oir POTHEEN.—" Oireland ! with all thv
faults I love thy still."
JANUARY 20, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
23
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.
Pond Parent. "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAYS'
ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF."
Mr. Slimpson. " So I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM !"
CASE OF REAL DISTRESS.
WE do not covet the post of Prime Minister, nor yet that of Lord Chancellor,
especially if, when Parliament re-assembles, a recent judicial appointment
should be sharply discussed. We can think of the choice of a new Speaker
without discontent with our own lowly lot, and at the present time envy of
the Ix>rd Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is not the predominant feeling in
our breasts. But of all places, posts, offices, appointments, and dignities
within the reach of an Englishman, the one which excites in us the least desire
is that of " Examiner of Plays."
Who, with a heart, can resist feelings of the deepest commiseration, the
most profound pity for the sufferings of another, when he hears that in twelve
short years it has been the unhappy lot of the present Examiner to read one
thousand eight hundred dramatic pieces— one thousand eight hundred trage-
dies, comedies, melodramas, farces, pantomimes, burlesques, and extravaganzas P
There are labours which no salary can remunerate, services which no fees can
requite.
A DISTINGUISHED " FRIEND."
"In consideration of a costly present which MR. JOSEPH PEASE, of South-end, Dar-
lington, has made to the Spanish nation, the young King of that country has conferred
upon him the Grand Cross of a Spanish order, and MR. PEASE, who is a Quaker, has
agreed to accept the distinction." — Echo.
A QUAKER a Grand Cross ! We should as soon have expected to be intro-
duced to a Quaker Field Marshal. Henceforth the sensation of surprise must be
numbered amongst the lost feelings. Nothing now can move us more. Not
the sun rising in the west, not the spectacle of an Irish Roman Catholic Bishop
teaching in a Protestant Sunday school, not a Teetotal Lord Mayor, not the
appointment of MR. TOMLINE as Master of the Mint, or SIR CHARLES DILKE
as Lord-Lieutenant of Middlesex, not the total abolition of the Income Tax, not
the conversion of MR. WHALLKY and MR. NEWDEGATE to Popery, not the
purification of the streets, — no, not even the bestowal of the Grand Cross of
our own Order of the Bath on some Englishman eminent in Art, Literature, or
Science !
HOME-RULE.
HAS Repeal, that in 'Forty was folly,
Grown sense in Eighteen-seventy-two ?
Will the walls that defied Big DAN'S volley,
Be by Burr's brass two-pounder split through.:'
Has PADDY, that still has craved ruling
And rulers, in wrong as in right.
Of a sudden out-grown schools and schooling,
And shot to Self -Government's height ?
And was it but bottomless boasting,
With a point from Hibernian wit, —
That there ne'er yet was Irishman roasting,
But an Irishman's hand turned the spit P
Is it JOHN that across the Atlantic
Stamps PAT Order's foe ever known ;
And declares him a nuisance gigantic,
Till Yankee Home-Rule ousts his own ?
Must hist'ry, as writ all untruly,
Like Hebrew, be read in reverse,
That, since STRONG-BOW, shows Ireland unruly,
With lawlessness cursed as chief curse ?
When the best of the race for home-ruling
Are those that Home-Rule most distrust ;
As convinced that to trust Irish " tooling,"
Will bring Erin's car in the dust.
Home-Rule ! 'Tis a compound sonorous,
Fine phrase on a green flag to fly ;
But take stock of the stuff that 's before us —
And who shall the Home-Rule supply ?
Is 't your own Irish Lords, Irish Commons,
Who adorned College Green long ago ?
But to London would rather hear summons,
Than in Dublin be tied by the toe :
For the Greenest of all, the best brother
Of PAT in JOHN BULL can discern ;
And to cool English air from the smother
Of your factions, is thankful to turn.
Is 't the Lawyers, who look for preferment,
Praise, pence, and distinction, o'er sea ;
And when they have ris'n by your ferment,
Will be glad your close corking to see P
Is 't your National Papers — press-razors,
Produced not to shave, but to sell —
Whose scribes might seem genuine blazers,
Did not conjurors spit tire as well ?
Is 't your Priests, with the gag and the blinders,
Which Church would fain use to tame Law :
Their pincers, for law-reason's grinders,
Their scissors, for lay-reason's claw ?
Is 't your Peasants, in feuds and in factions
Stark mad, for a nothing or name :
In their lodges, at murder s black pactions,
Or from a dyke-back taking aim ?
In short, ganging all ranks and classes —
Those who are, or will be, by the ears —
The units, as well as the masses,
Lawyers, traders, priests, press, peasants, peers-
All ages, from seventy to twenty,
All shades, from deep knave to born fool —
I find means of " Home Mis-rule " in plenty,
But where are the means of " Home Mule" f
A Coming Retirement.
THS Speaker's Commentary is already favourably
known. We anticipate a very favourable commentary
on the SPEAKER, when Parliament re-assembles.
"DONNE'S SATIRES."— Pantomimes without political
jokes.
VOL. LXII.
S4
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1872.
OUR POCKET-BOOK AGAIN.
EAXLY, greatness has its multifold in-
convenience. Fahtaff wished that
his name were not so terrible to the
enemy, as he should then be less ur-
gently called upon to go and fight.
Mr. Punch wishes that his works were not so universally attractive,
as he should not then have bo answer so many questions about them.
He has actually had to receive a Deputation upon the subject of his
splendid and unparalleled Pocket- Book for 1872. It appears that
certain improvements which he introduced into the volume have
given the most enormous and outrageous satisfaction to the majority
of mankind, and that the demand for the book has been excessive —
almost inconvenient. But a minority of excellent persons, who hate
all kinds of changes, have complained that by taking out certain
blank pages, he has prevented the complainants from embalming
their own observations by the side of his preternatural wit and
humour. As aforesaid, a Deputation on the subject approached the
presence last Saturday. Mr. Punch, of course, listened with his
usual affability. The strong points of the applicants were, that they
had been accustomed for years to write their own biographies and
engagements in the sacred volume, and that the record of their lives
thus became nearly imperishable, as no one in his right senses would
ever destroy a Punch's Pocket-Book. They therefore humbly
begged him to restore the old form.
Mr. Punch smiled, and gently said that of course he must be the
j Ju • ge w—at *"" friend ^e Universe required at his hands,
and this proposition was conceded with respectful acclamation. He
might just suggest that his Pocket- Book, although a precious jewel,
was not a thing to be locked up in a cabinet, but one to be the
light and joy of a household for a year, but it might not be so
t"—" Sweet
I hate Aunt
+ i^n.u.0. AJU.U j. nuu rim amea at Ureenwich:" •' Ridiculous
sermon by new curate," and the like, were equally adapted for the
perusal of the said household. Such things might be confided to a
humbler receptacle. But the pleas being renewed, without refer-
ence to the answer (we need hardly remark that most of his visitors
were of the sex ' that can't argue, and pokes fires from the top " as
good ARCHBISHOP WHATELY said) Mr. Punch blandly promised
that the views ot the deputation should receive the utmost con-
sideration at his hands. And when he had thus spoken he dis-
missed the assembly— or rather conducted it to a sumptuous yet
delicate lunch.
Duties and Imposts.
Important Notice to Travellers.— Any person arriving from the
Continent is permitted to clear his throat at the Custom House free
of all duty.
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
THE next evening TOMMY was dressed in an unusual style of
elegance: every article of his attire was of the most exquisite cut ;
every species of ornament that fashion permitted to decorate his
person was his ; not a stud was omitted, nor was one drop, less than
necessary, of india-rubber-boot-pulish forgotten that could tend to
render his toilet perfect. And, indeed, neither MB. BAHLOW nor
HABBY were far behind him in appearance on this memorable occa-
sion, which was nothing less than that of their first visit to the
ROYAL GRECIAN THEATRE, in the City lload.
Here, from their stalls (which were remarkably inexpensive,
being, indeed, only one shilling and sixpence each) they surveyed
the wonderful sight which presented itself to them, of a house
densely packed from the floor to the ceiling.
The Pantomime was the only piece played, and was entitled
Zig-Zafl, tliK Crooked. When Ma. GEORGE CONQUEST, who repre-
sented Zig-Zag himself, first appeared, as if hewn out of the rock,
inanimate as the Sphinx, a thrill of astonishment ran through
the audience, which gradually showed itself in vehement applause
when Zig-Zatfs fearful eyes began, to move, as at the command of
the Young Prince, the .monster became endued. with life and de-
scended from the rock.
Tummy. I declare this is the most extraordinary thing I ever saw.
Harry. Indeed, you are right, and I could not have conceived
anyone being at once so hideous and so diverting.
Presently there was a brilliant scene, in which there were some
admirable selections from the works of various composers, principally
French, executed in a manner so creditable to the performers, as to
call forth from MB. BABLOW the remark that he had hoard nothing
better of its kind in any Theatre this year. When Mu. CONQUEST
and his Son leaped several times from the stage to the top scenes
("which" MR. BARLOW informed his pupils "are termed flies"),
and tumbled through trap-doors, coming up again so quickly, and in
so great a variety of places all over the " boards," that the audience
was in a state of constant excitement as to what next might be going
to happen ; and when finally Zig-Zag took such a header, as HABRY
had seen the big boys at school do, when they were going to dive for
chalk eggs, from the flies right through the stage, and was lost to
all eyes, then the enthusiastic admiration of MB. BABLOW and his
young friends knew no bounds, and they evinced their pleasure, as
did the rest of the company, in such rounds of applause as brought
on Mi. CONQUEST and nis Son, without their wigs_and false noses,
to bow their acknowledgments.
The following "night they went to the GAIETY to witness the per-
formance of MB. TOOLE in Dearer than Life, which MR. BABLOW
had seen before, and in Thespis, the Christmas novelty at this
theatre.
Tmnmv. If you please, Sir, what sort of piece is this ?
Mr. Barlow. Indeed, my dear TOMMY, I cannot exactly tell.
And it is nearly impossible for an ordinarily well-instructed person
to comprehend the precise meaning of any one subject on which
those wno should know best are apparently disagreed, and who, in
consequence, signally fail in rendering their own meaning intelligible
in the public.
Harry. That is true, Sir, and I perceive that you have noticed
how, at various times, this same piece has been announced as a
" Musical Extravaganza," an " Operatic Burlesque," a " Grotesque
Drama, illustrated with music by MR. SULLIVAN," a " Comic Opera,"
and lately an English Opera Bouffe. As perhaps next week it may
be styled a Tragicomicopera, or some other title, I would like, Sir,
to join TOMMY in his question as to what you suppose this piece really
to oe?
Mr. Barlow. Why, then, for my part, I suppose it is intended for
a specimen of English Opera bouffe.
Hurry. And what, Sir, is Optra bouffe ?
Mr. Barlow. It is a French burlesque — a vehicle for extrava-
gances in costume, in acting, and in singing. It is in one, two, three,
or even five Acts, and differs from the English burlesque in that it is
. written in prose, and depends mainly for its success upon the original
1 music written for it by some composer, instead of on selections from
I various popular sources. In this piece, for example, the dialogue is
prosy— I mean in prose— and the music has been written to suit it.
I think we may, therefore, suppose this piece to be an English Opera
bouffe.
Tummy (during the First Act). I do not understand what charac-
ters these worthy people represent who are trying their best to
divert us.
MR. BARLOW, who had been giving the play his closest attention,
seemed to be unable to enlighten his pupil, and requested him to
listen to what was going on, and occasionally refer to the programme,
by which means he. would probably arrive at some definite con-
clusion.
Harry. Truly, Sir, this piece reminds me of what you told me
JANUARY 20, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
25
about NEWTON'S Laws of Motion, and I look forward to being very ' persons philosophers. If every School Board were to legislate as
happy and lively to-morrow morning. to the Fourth R simply on the principle of teaching ^just so much of
Mr,
But how do you \ it as children can be exacted to understand, would uot their prac-
tical arrangement be of necessity about the same as that recom-
mended by Mlis. CKAWSII \\ ';
SUCH A BOOK!
Barluw. I am glad to hear it, HARRY.
connect such a result with the Laws of 3[<>lin,< .'
1 lurry. Because, Sir, you told me that " Forces acting and re-
acting ore always equal and contrary to each other." So, Sir, after
this night is over, we may fairly expect a most exhilarating reaction.
TOMMY was so much struck by this fresh in HAKKY'S
capacity for adapting his learning to whatever etooumituiGM might ^^^^ I(i ),0oks are big evils says some
it themselves, that he determined to learn the science of me- <Sf^^^^^ c =S\V"N old Greek not of the vigorous
chanics on the very first opportunity. l'i •. type here depicted. Mr. Punch
The audience continued to listen to the piece with a serenity J, wjth anybody,
which nothing could disturb, except the occasional appearance of ^^^^S-^^^^R""s and he distinctly disagrees with
Mil. TOOLK, who gave utterance to such quaint drolleries, of his own Tftii.1 the Ancient in question. One
introduction, assent the people into short spasms of laughter, in ],;„ )Miok, f,)r instance, which is
which MASTF.K TOMMY most heartily joined, while Mi;. HAUI.OU V^- tjfalLmllf no evil, but a good is Kelly's
applauded as loudly as the rest of the company. But HA HKY, whose ^^iflliE&JBP?^^ -lijfii, Directory with
temper was not quite so pliable, could not conceal the weariness that iffiSS ;i favoured,
was gradually creeping over him. He gaped, he yawned, he stretch* d, nncj w],;rt, ],,. i; rusing
11 pinohed liimself in order to keep his attention alive, but all V^'Lf'Vf . \ with avidity ever since it an
in vain. He managed to rouse himself twice ; once when Mil. TOOI.K M jj. wag remarked to a clownish
was singing an additional verse to his song (where, indeed, the /^^f f servant, who was eating away
accompaniment, consisting of railway noises, would not let himi rfVp f at a va'st; Cheshire cheese that
, and once when MAI>K.M(>ISI:I.U; CLARY was exercising her j,e wag a long. timc at su'pperi
skill m a rather pretty melody. But at length the narcotic inliu, ; and his triumphant answer was
ol the dialogue, conspiring with the opiate charms of the music, he! Bg ^j^y /A ^^ that a cneegc of that size was
could resist no longer, but insensibly fell back upon his stall, \W'' ' "f "ot through in a hurry. The
.•i-leep. This was soon remarked by his neighbours, who straightway y \ /M ' remark but not the clownish-
conceived an unfavourable opinion of HARRY'S breeding, while he, /,' ,••• ,}WA ,I-SB is'adopted by Mr. Punch
in the meantime, enjoyed the most placid repose, undisturbed by / 'Wwm in regard to the Kelly Book,
tit her the envious remarks of some among the audience, or by the "wm%. * He has as yet read only the
midgings administered to his elbow by his friend TOMMY; and, imiS&L '- first thousand p'ages or so, but
:, his slumber was not entirely dissipated until the performance J !W^^SJi§S he intends to complete his
washmsh.d J/(l*a^ ' labour. The volume contains
Bar** (on W return to their Lodaiagt). Tour remarks, TOMMY, ^^^^^/^^^ the name and address of every-
to-night remind me of the story of Polemo and the Continuous tf-^ 8fl^^alff^||p^ bodv' in Lon(io11 or tne suburbs,
Highlander. *f\\ *»• wnoJM name and addresg ^y.
MR. BARLOW here made some excuse for retiring to his room; and bod can ~o*s\b\j want. Mr. Punch's own grand and brilliant
asHABRYwason the point of commencing the story I OMMV asked id(.aj • to do ^ KELLT something like what BAYLE did for
him to await his return, as he was only going to fetch his slippers, MouEHI. He meditates issuing a AV//y with vast notes of his own,
in m-der to sit and listen more comfortably to his friend's narrative. iu which he propoges to give a biography and anecdotes of every-
HARBY consented to wait for him, but, at the end of two hours, as
TOMMY did not return, he retired to his own room, and soon fell
asleep.
THE FOURTH R IN MERTHYR.
IN an article which appeared the other day our orthodox con-
temporary, the Western Mail, criticised certain late proceedings of
the Merthyr School Board relative to the Fourth R difficulty in
Education. Those proceedings, says that respectable journal, "were
saved from being utterly ludicrous only by the gravity of the sub-
jects which were under discussion." But for that consideration,
the Western Mail is of opinion that it would have been good fun
" to watch the efforts that were being made to realise that most
delusive of all theoretical ideas — unsectarian as opposed to secular
education." Perhaps most persons will think that those efforts
were, as far as they went, not altogether unsuccessful, seeing that,
after some discussion bearing on theology, the Board concluded, on
the motion of one of its principal Members— a lady interested in the
welfare of her species, MBS. CRAWSHAY of Cyfartha— that the sole
form of devotion, public or private, dictated by the Founder of
Christianity, " should be the sole form of public devotion employed
in the schools." The REV. JOHN GRIFFITHS, the Rector, "intimated
that he would be quite contented with the proposed limitation of
the form of prayer, provided that a doxology were added, recog-
body mentioned" in the original book'. As there will be several
thousand volumes, the work must be published by subscriptions,
which perhaps MB. KELLY will be good enough to canvass and collect
for Mr. Punch. The Kelly-Punch Biography will be a production
worthy the gigantic genius of the age, and Mr. Punch admits that
his coILaborateur has admirably done his part of the work.
HISTORIANS AND HERETICS.
BY attempting to enforce the Infallibility Dogma on those incon-
sistent people, who, calling themselves Old Catholics, have seceded
from Popery in exercising their private judgment, and refusing,
though ordered by an (Ecumenical Council, to eat dirt, the Arch-
bishops of the Roman Obedience appear to be waking snakes. The
Pall Mall Gazette a few days since, said : —
" It was announced in our latest edition yesterday, that the ABCHBISHOP OF
MUNICH has excommunicated PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER. To-day a German
correspondent informs us that the Professor has published an essay, in which
he proves that the Catholic Clergy are all excommunicated for adopting the
Copernican system and taking interest on money."
Professors FHOSCHHAMMER and DOLLINGER, however, are snakes in
a more serious sense than the ordinary cobras, rattle-snakes, copper-
heads, and vipers in general which the Fathers of the Lateran
Council would mean by snakes, as a name for heretics. Hitherto
nising" a doctrine wnich Unitarians do not recognise. The sugges- I heretics have been regarded by the Roman Catholic hierarchy as
tion certainly was creditable to a clergyman of the Church of \ vipers which, in impugning Authority, bite a file. The above-named
England who keeps a conscience. It was professional; but the Professors appeal to History against the POPE. DR. MABNINO may
doxology is one of those special matters in the Fourth R on which ' declare this appeal to be treason. He might add that it is undeniable
Srofessors, and doctors too, differ. The orthodoxology of one treason. The reproach of treason lies in failure,
enomination is the heterodoxology of another.
There are forms of public devotion in common use as the prologue
to public dinners. They are invocations in which all present can
join, whatever their belief may be as to the Fourth R — if they have
any belief at all— and if they have none, what then? It would be
conscientious of a Church of England Clergyman to propose the
snperaddition of a Doxology to a Grace ; but would it be wise?
Would it not probably set a company of mixed denominations quar-
relling over their soup?
In relation to food tor the mind, MRS. CRAWSHAY proposed to deal
: i i *!.„ 17 4i_ ti • _ i .1, ,., * _.i__.
, .
with the Fourth R in a way analogous to that which experience has
proved the most convenient method of adjoining it to food for the
body. Herein she has acted on principles which many persons,
But when it prospers none dare call it treason."
Such snakes as PROFESSOR DOLLINOER and PROFESSOR FROSCH-
more vulnerable than files. They bite legs and
stockings, and white satin cross-embroidered
HAMMER bite thin,
feet, through scar
slippers.
A Creed Miscalled.
THE researches of MR. FFOULKES and other learned investigators
appear to have proved that the creed of St. Athanasius, so-called.
.
was not composed until ages after the decease of that personage.
so, it was unduly entitled with his name. Considering the purport
of certain generally unpopular clauses in Athanasins his Creed, one
besides a writer in the Western Mail, may call "illogical and un- conceives that it might, perhaps, be more appropriately styled the
safe," but no thinking man, or woman either, would call those I Creed of .
: Anathema-maran-athanasius.
L'C
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
[JANUARY 20, 1872.
"CHEEK!"
Commercial dent (to Swell who was smoking a fragrant flavannah). " WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME, Sin, BY CHANGING INTO ANOTHER
CARRIAGE, OR PUTTING YOUR CIGAR OUT PKO TSK. ? "
Swell (nonchalantly). "0, CERTAINLY." (Throws his Cigar out of the Window.)
Commercial Gent (complacently producing and filling his Meerschaum). " SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU, BUT I NEVER CAN ENJOY MY PIPE
WHEN THERE *S A BAD WEED A GOIN' ! ! "
FROM GAL WAY TO CANDY.
MR. W. H. GREGORY, the accomplished Member for Galway, goes
to Ceylon as Governor. We firmly believe that the j-Edile rejoiceth
at this, as MR. GREGORY knows a deal about Art, and the ./Edile
loveth not such men. Mr. Punch regrets to lose a bright speaker
from the House, but is glad of his promotion. It will be no more,
" GKEGOKY, remember thy swashing blow."
The Honourable Member's " blow " will be had where —
" The spicy breezes
Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle.
And no one ever sneezes,
Or feels a touch of bile."
Such will be the Gregorian Chant for some time to come. A
Caant exile, and a safe return, are Mr. Punch's sweet wishes to
who departeth for Candy.
A WORKING MAN ON WORK.
AT the National Congress of Trades Societies at Nottingham, last
week, a ME. GEAHAM said : —
" In his opinion it was one of the rights of a free man to cease work when
lie wished, either for reasonable or even unreasonable causes."
This is so exactly Mr. Punch's belief that, wishing at this identi-
cal moment to cease work, for the reasonable or unreasonable cause
that he feels more inclined to smoke, he knocks off, without append-
ing any proper and moral observations to MR. GBAHAM'S dictum.
Whether MR. GHAHAM keeps any sort of servant, and if so, whether
MR. GRAHAM recognises the right in question when he wants his
beer fetched, or his boots cleaned, is the only query that Mr. Punch
chooses to exert himself to put. But he must add that the world
would go on delightfully if this rule were always acted upon ; and
he is glad that the Trade Societies are enlightened enough to do their
best to bring on a Millennium.
UN MONSIEUR SMITH.
AMONG the news of the other day appeared the following :—
"Two Frenchmen, one of whom, however, gives the name of SMITH, are in
custody, charged with the commission of several burglaries in the suburbs of
the Metropolis."
You would have liked to hear one of the Frenchmen give the
name of SMITH. His tongue, surely, betrayed him. M. VAURIEH,
or whatever his real name was, of course, in attempting to give the
name of SMITH, gave that of SMEET or SMIS. Give the name of
SMITH, indeed ! A Frenchman might as well try to give the pass-
word of Shibboleth.
Suggestion to Mr. Lowe.
LAY a heavy tax on all persons telling old jokes, making old pnns.
Let the tax be doubled in the case of any person attempting to pass
off such old joke or pun as " a good thing he's just heard," or as
" a funny thing that nappened to his cousin the other day." MB.
LOWE will find public-spirited men ready to hand in nearly all clubs
who will voluntarily give their services, and for a moderate per-
centage will act as Collectors of this particular form of taxation at
every dinner-party (where the name and address of the offender
will be taken down), and in Society's drawing-rooms. This and
a tax on photographs will bring in a handsome additional revenue
for Eighteen-Seventy-Two.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— J.YXOARY 20, 1872.
A STILL BIGGER ' CLAIMANT.
JANUARY 20, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
29
MY HEALTH.
(Concluded.)
. ^
E somehow turn the dinner conversation npon
some peculiar way of cultivating mangel. PKN-
DELL looks at Old RUDDOCK, and, alluding to the
last>peaker's remark, whatever it was, says, "Aha !
that isn't the way we grow mangel in the South,
is it, MR. RUDDOCK?" and therewith gives Old RUDDOCK such a
humorous look, as if they had, hetween them, several good jokes
about mangel, which, when told by Old RUDDOCK, would set the
table in a roar.
1 turn towards him with a propitiatory smile, as much as to say,
" You see I 'm ready for any of your funny stories." Old RUDDOCK
glances up at me from his plate (he hasn't looked up much since
the beginning of dinner), and replies, gravely and simply, "No."
Whereat PENDELL almost roars with laughter, and nods at me
knowingly, as if asking if RUDDOCK isn't a character. He may be.
Perhaps it requires the wine to draw him out, but he hasn't, as yet,
said anything funny or witty ; in fact, he hasn't said anything at
all. The conversation, otherwise, is general and well distributed.
Topics principally local.
As far as I am concerned, it is not unlike being suddenly given a
bass part in a quintette, where the other four know their music off
by heart. I speak from experience, remembering how, in the in-
stance alludett to, I came in wherever I could, with very remarkable
effect, and generally at least an octave too low, leaving off with the
feeling that if we had been encored (of which there wasn't, under
the circumstances, the slightest possible chance), I should have come
out very strong, and quite in tune. As it was, I had first to find
my voice, which seemed to have gone down like the mercury in a
barometer on a cold day, and having succeeded in producing it, I
had then to issue it in notes.
During dinner I am frequently brought into the conversation,
apologetically, and appealed to out of politeness, as " probably not
taking much interest in these matters."
The matters in question are usually something vexatious with
regard to paupers, a political question deeply mixed up with the
existence of the Yeomanry, the state of the roads in the next dis-
trict, the queer temper of a neighbouring clergyman, the difficulty of
dealing with Old SOMEBODY at a vestry meeting, the right ef some
parish authorities to bury somebody who oughtn't, or ought, to have
been buried without somebody else's consent ; the best mode of
making a preserve, a difference of opinion as to varieties of cider, the
probabilities of a marriage between TRE-soMEONEof Tre-somewhere
with TOL-SOMEBODY of Pol-something else, and so forth. On con-
sideration, I am interested. For, to a reflective mind, is not all this the
interior mt chanism of the Great British Constitution ? Of course.
The only thing that Old RUDDOCK says the whole time, is that he
wouldn't keep Cochin China fowls even if they were given him.
"Wouldn't you?" exclaims PENDELL, looking slily at me and
beginning to laugh, evidently in anticipation of some capital story,
or a witticism from RUDDOCK. No, not another word. He is, it
strikes me, reserving himself. I turn to my partner, and try to
interest her in Ramsgate, Torquay, the Turkish bath, London and
Paris news. She doesn't like Torquay, has never been to Ramsgate,
and from what she hai heard of it thinks it must be vulgar (to
which I return, " 0, dear no," but haven't got any proof that it
isn't. I find out that she goes every season to London, and knows
more about operas than I do, and nnally was brought up in Paris,
and generally stops there for a month yearly with her Aunt, so that
I am unable to give her any information on my special subjects, and
as she clearly wants to listen to some story which TREOONY of
Tregivel, on the other side of her, is telling, I feel that I'd better
continue my dinner silently, or draw RUDDOCK out. I try it, but
RUDDOCK won't come out.
Dessert.— THKOO.NY of Tregivel does come out genially, without
the process of drawing. He has some capital Cornish stories, with
an inimitable imitation of Cornish dialect.
Flash. — While he is telling a rather long anecdote to think of
something good and new to cap it. Why not something with (also)
an imitation of dialect, or brogue. I ve got a very good thing
about a Scotchman, but can't remember it in time.
Odd how stories slip away from you just at the moment you
especially want to remember them. During a pause in the con-
versation I remember my story, and secure attention for it by
suddenly asking PEKDELL (which startles him) if " he's ever heard,
&c., and of course he, politely, hasn't. Odd. Somehow, this evening
I can't recall the Scotch accent. I try a long speech (not usually
belonging to the story) in Scotch, so as to work myself up to it, but,
somehow or other, it will run into Irish. My story, therefore, takes
somewhat this form. I say. " Then the Scotchman called out,
' Och, bed ad ' — I mean, ' Ye dinna ken ' " — and so forth. Result,
failure. But might tell it biter, when I 'm really in the humour,
which I evidently am not now, and yet I thought I was.
Old RUDDOCK begins to come out, not as a raconteur, but as an
interrupter, which is a new phase of character.
For example, THEGONY commences one of his best Cornish stories,
, to which we are all listening attentively, something about an uncle
and a nephew, and a cart.
'They went," says TREGONY, " to buy a cart"-
' A what ? " says RUDDOCK, really giving his whole mind to it.
'A cart," answers TREGONY.
' 0," returns RUDDOCK, " I beg pardon. Yes, well " —
' Well," resumes TREGONY, "they wanted something cheap, as
they had no use for it except to get home, "
' Get what P " asks RUDDOCK.
' Home," replies TREGONY, evidently a bit nettled.
' Oh, ah ! yes," returns RUDDOCK. " Home — well P "
' Well," TKEG9NY continues, looking towards his opposite neigh-
bour, so as to avoid Old RUDDOCK if possible, " the landlord of the
Inn says to them, ' I '11 lend you and NEWT BILL a cart ' "
RUDDOCK'S in again with A what ? "
I can't help turning upon, him, and saying, rather angrily, " A
cart ! " I feel inclined to add, " You old idiot." Then I say to
TREGOKY, encouragingly, " Yes."
" ' Only ' (continues THEGONY), says the Landlord, joking them,
'mind yew du bring the wheels back safe and sound.' So they
promised, and then they went about the town till it was rather late
and getting dark —
" Getting what f " asks Old RUDDOCK. Everybody annoyed, and
twopersons besides myself repeat the word " dark " to him.
With these interruptions, and the consequent necessity of making
it all quite clear, specially when it comes te TREGONY imitating the
conversation between Uncle and Nephew, in two _ voices, when Old
RUDDOCK perpetually wants to know " Who said that," and so
puzzles TREGONY that sometimes he makes the Uncle take the
Nephew's voice, and vice versa, and the story is getting into diffi-
culties, when the servant enters with a message to our Ho»t from
' MRS. PENDELL, which brings us to our feet, and into the drawing-
room, TREGONY promising me the story quietly in a corner.
The other ladies have come. We all try to enter the drawing-
room carelessly, as if the ladies weren't there, or as if we "d been
' engaged in some fearful conspiracy in the next room, and were
hiding our consciousness of guilt under a mask of frivolity. Miss
I BODD, of Popthlanack, is alone at a table, turning over the pages of
a photographic album. I join her.
Careful Flash. — Take care never to offer an opinion on photo-
graphic or any other sort of portraits, unless you 're quite sure of
your ground.
I remark generally that I don't care about photographic portraits.
Before Miss BODD can answer, I hear a rustle behind me, and a
voice asks simply, " Why ? "
Good gracious ! It is — Miss STRArniMERE ! She is staying with
the CLETHERS [" MR. CLETITEK is here," PENDELL tells me. He '»
written a work on the Moon. Quite a character "], and as th«
REV. MR. CLETHER is the Rector of Penwiffle, she is not a mile from
the house, and will be here every day.
Singing and playing. Miss STRAITHMERE asks me, "Why I'm
so serious ? Will I teU her ? Do. Why t "
I expect RUDDOCK to sing. He doesn't. MR. CLETHER is talking
30
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1872.
to him. I join them. I am anxious to hear
what ME. CLETHEB'S view of the Moon is.
He replies. " 0, nothing particular.
" But," I urge, RUDDOCK listening, i era
have made a study of astronomy, and in
these days "—I slip at this moment, because
1 don't know exactly what I wag gom^ to
Bay ; but I rather fancy it was that ^ In
these days the moon isn't what it was.
MB. CLETHER modestly repudiates know-
ing more about the moon than other people,
and says that PENDELL is right about his ;
having written a book, but he has never
published it.
" Whyt" asks Miss STRAITHMERE, join-
ing us.
Carriages. Thank goodness !
I accompany RUDDOCK to the door. He
has a gig, and a lantern, like a Guy Fawkes
out for an airing.
I am still expecting a witticism, or rather
afeude joie of humour and fun, like the last
grand bouquet of fireworks that terminates
the show at the Crystal Palace.
PENDELL (who I believe is still drawing
him out) says to him, " You '11 have a fine j
fore a party, but noir
RUDDOCK replies, from above, in his gig,
" Yes, so it seems. Good-bye."
And away goes the vehicle, turns the
corner, and disappears from view in the
avenue.
PENDELL chuckles to himself. " Quite a
character," I hear him murmuring. Then,
after a short laugh, he exclaims almost
fondly, "Old RUDDOCK! ha! ha! Rum
old fellow."
And so we go in. And this has been the
long-expected "Nicht wi' RUDDOCK." He
hasn't said twenty words. Certainly not
one worth hearing. Yet PENDELL seems
perfectly satisfied with him, and years
hence, I dare say, this occasion will be re-
counted as a night when Old RUDDOCK was
at his best. After this, how about SHEKIDANP
Nextmorning. — My friend, Miss STBAJTH-
M i' KK, is coming at two o'clock. I find that
I can leave, n'« Lannceston, at eleven. I
am not well. I can't help it. _ I begin to
consider, is it my nature to be ill ? No, I
must go up to town, and consult my Doctor.
Adieu, Penwifne. If I stopped, I feel
that in the wilds of Cornwall, out at Tin-
tagel or at Land's End, or in a slate quarry,
or down a mine, I should Well, I
don't know but I should have to answer
the question, "Why ? "
My present idea is to live in London,
about two miles from the British Museum.
Then I can walk there every morning, and
work in the library at my Analytical History
of Motion.
If the Doctor agrees with me, and if this
plan agrees with me, I shall continue it ; if
not, I must take to boxing, gymnastics, or
other violent exercise.
*****
The Doctor does agree with me. He
advises me to try my own prescription. In
a week's time to call on him again, and go
on calling on him regularly every Monday.
*****
I have taken lodgings three doors from
my Doctor's house. I shall make no further
notes, unless, at some future time, I com-
mence a history of a British Constitution (my
own). And so, for the present, I conclude,
with a quotation from SHAKSPEABE, who
was, among other things, evidently a vale-
tudinarian, and finish these papers by saying,
" The tenor of them doth but signify "
"My Health."
Two Gent, of Verona. Act iii. BC. 1.
"ON THE TOP OF THE HILL, TOO!"
" MY TIRESOME HAT ! So KIND OF YOU, MK. MUGGLES ! You DON'T MIND WAITING
FOR ME, DO YOU 1 "
[Don't he, though/ lie minds very much. Feels very foolish, and dreads being chaffed —
particularly by some of those fellows below I
IN THE TEMPLE.
LOED DERBY has made a political speech of a very sensible character — " that goes
without to say " in his case. He tells the Conservatives that they are to be neither apa-
thetic nor precipitate, that they are to play a waiting game— the World to him who can Wait
— and, meantime, they are to support MB. GLADSTONE against the extreme men on his own
side. And, said the Earl, " political life is not to be looked at as if it were a soaped pole,
with £5,000 a year, and lots of patronage at the top." The sentiment is lofty and honour-
able. " But," said to Mr. Punch a rising lawyer, who intends to rise a good deal higher,
"the deuce of it is that LOBD DEEBY talks from the top of a golden Pyramid about
soaped poles. Hang it ! I 'm like Becky Sharp — I should find it precious easy to be patriotic
with, fifty thousand a year. If I didn't feel I could manage the nation for the best (though
of course I could), confound it ! I 'd myself engage the best Premier that money could
secure, and serve the country that way. But blow it, as it is, and HENBIETTA'S governor
refusing to hear of me until I 'm in Parliament, you see, old cuss " " Virtue alone is
happiness below," replied Mr. Punch severely, as he went away to get some oysters at
PBOSSEB'S.
NOTE BY A FOREIGNER.— On England's possessions the sun never sets. True ; and on one
of them, London, the sun never rises.
JANUARY 20, I
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
31
SAT UPON.
Hospitable Best. " DOES ANY GENTLEMAN SAT PUDDEN ? "
Precise Guest. "No, SIR. No GsxTLsxAif SATS PUDDZIT."
" IF ! "
(A Channel Sketch.}
'TOTHEB day I steamed from Dover
To Boulogne-sur-Mer :
We 'd bad weather crossing over :
Very sick we were.
Busy, Steward's-Mate and Steward-
" Basins ! " was the cry :
Ocean heaved, because it blew hard ;
Heaved, and so did I.
In the intervals of basin
Blessed dreams were mine :
FOWLER was from Ocean 'rasin'
Every ill-ruled line.
Over Neptune's worst commotion
Holding despot's state,
He not only ruled the Ocean,
But he ruled it straight !
Steady, sea ne'er so ugly,
Did his craft behave ;
Passengers, carriaged snugly.
Sweeping o'er the wave !
Not a soul from out his cushions
Moved, the passage through ;
Padded soft against concussions,
And spring-seated, too !
0, it was a blessed vision !
Blessed all the more
For that awful exhibition
Betwixt shore and shore.
But when tcrra-flrma reason
On that dream I fixed,
At a less afflicted season,
Doubt with hope was mixed.
For, I thought— Can FOWLER answer
That his boats won't roll —
Grant, that, swift as a mrrganter,
O'er the sea they bowl 'f
If they roll— and who can promise
That they never will ?—
Little joy to Jons BULL from his
Power of sitting still.
Think of an afflicted train-full
Cabined, cribbed, confined —
Rolling with the rollings painful
Of that pen inclined f
Face to face, and knee to knee, sick,
Ketch and heave and strain,
Think of a whole hundred sea-sick
All along the train !
Sea-sickness in open ocean
May be bad to Dear,
Bot, boxed up in a train in motion,
Worse, far worse, it were !
So if FOWLER cannot promise
Pitch-and-toss shall be
Game of chance, far-banished from his
Skimmers of the sea,
Better 'gainst our woes we gird us —
Cold, and stench, and spray —
Than in railway train you herd us,
Nausea's helpless prey !
If the traveller from Dover
Reached the other shore,
Worser woes, than crossing over,
Were for him in store.
Awfuller than the up-turn he
Suffers from the tide, —
Think upon that six hours' journey
On the other side !
Present woe 'gainst worse mismarriage-
Put it to the vote —
And I '11 bet 'tis contra carriage,
And for open boat !
A BURIED ARMY.
THE Leeds Mercury is such an excellent paper, that
Punch takes from it anything as unhesitatingly as (to
use LORD LYTTON'S illustration) one takes change from
an honest tradesman, without looking at or counting the
coins. That journal said, the other day —
" There was a demonstration at Lausanne yesterday, in memory
of the soldiers belonging to GENERAL BOUBBAKI'S army who died
in Switzerland, after being interred there last year."
We cannot see why there should have been a demon-
stration: at least, if it was a demonstration of wonder,
the wonder would have been if the soldiers had survived
their interment. It was Antscus, if we recollect aright,
whose strength was renewed when he came in contact
with the Earth, but he never went under it, at least not
until Alcides had done with and for him. But is France
aware that this is the way in which one of her armies
was got rid of ? Is this the boasted hospitality of Swit-
zerland ?
THE RAINBOW may be accurately described, as the real
NOAH'S Arc.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 20, 1872.
A MISCONCEPTION.
Passenger. " AND WHOSE HOUSE is THAT ON THE Top OF THE HILL THERE ? "
Driver' of Hit "Red Lion" 'Bus. ".0, THAT'S MB. UMBERBROWN'S, SIB. HE'S WHAT THEY CALL' A E.A."
Passenger (Amateur Artist). "0, INDEED! AH! A MAGNIFICENT PAINTER! You MUST BE RATHER PKOUD OF SUCH A GREAT
MAN LIVING AMONGST YOU DoWN HERE ! h'
Driver. "GREAT MAN, SIB? LOR' BLESS YBR, SIR, NOT A BIT or IT! WHY, THEY ONLY KEEPS ONE MAN-SERVANT, AND HE
DON'T SLEEP IN THE 'Ouss ! I ! "
THE NEW YEAR'S FINE.
(Husband and Father sings.)
AN Income-tax increased to pay,
And that assessed at higher rate !
Well, we must bear it as we may,
By means of thrift, my weeping Mate.
We '11 pinch, in clothimg and m cup ;
Thou shalt accustomed dress resign ;
I'll give my GLADSTONE claret up,
To meet my LOWE'S augmented fine.
What though that heavy forfeit make
A small, uncertain income less ?
"What if away the coin it take,
Which I should hoard against distress ?
What though my earnings needs must cease
As soon as I shall be no more,
And majr not last till mv decease,
But fail us both, my Wife, before ?
Still, whilst we wince beneath the Screw,
Put on with added stress this year,
We'll think how much, because we Few
Are taxed, the Many spend in Beer.
Oar impost we '11 with joy endure,
Because it seems the only plan
From fiscal burdens to secure
Exemption for the Working-Man.
The Working-Man who works with tools,
Such tools as hammers, saws, and planes,
By hand ; whose numerous suffrage rules
The smaller class who work by brains.
Rejoice we that what we must spare,
The Working-Man has §ot to spend.
We 're privileged to pay his share,
Till our ability shall end.
At least when next another year,
Another Budget's weight shall bring
To bear on us, if we are here
Still, as plucked nightingales, to sing,
We 've cause, another little call,
At any rate, of hope to see,
For payment of the needful all
To set the Breakfast-Table free.
AMERICAN INCREDULITY.
IN a speech delivered at New York on " Forefathers' Day," the
REV. HENRY BEECTER, discoursing of the "Pilgrim Fathers," said :—
" That they had their faults we all know. They brought with them some
of the prejudices of Europe, and had not freed themselves from notions of per-
secution. They believed, above all things, in the existence and power of the
evil one. The devil was everywhere in their thoughts. In our modern times
we have gone free from that superstition. We of New York know there is no
such being."
In the early days of New England anyone who owned to being
an Adiabolist would have been deemed an Atheist. But then
there was no Tammany or Erie Ring. Plunder and fraud, picking
and stealing, are courses from which some natures can only be
restrained by the piety which firmly believes in the personality,
cornute and caudal, of MILTON'S hero. " We of New York know
there is no such being." Do we ? We think we do, but may have
nattered ourselves.
Printed by Jowph flmltn, of Wo. M, Holford Square IB the P»rtih of St. Jaraet, Clerkenwell, In the County of Mlddln ex. at the Printing Office! of Meiin. Bradbury, Kraal, * Co.. Lombard
Street, In the Precinct of Wbitefrlari, in the City of London, anl Published by him at No. 8», Beet Street, In the Parnh of St. Bride, City Of Ljndon.— SiioaoiT, January 20, 1872.
JANUABY 27, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
33
!
A JINGLE FOR ST. JAMES'S.
(By a Mutical Enthusiast.)
TTTE Monday Pops ! The Monday Pops !
Whoe'er admires what some call " Ops ;"
Should go, and lick his mental chops,
While feasting at the Monday Pops.
The Monday Pops ! The Monday Pops !
To me their music far o'er-tops,
The jingling polkas and galops,
On cracked pianos played at hops.
Nor almond rock, nor lemon-drops,
Nor sugar-plums, nor lollipops,
With which small children cram their crops,
Are sweeter than the Monday Pops.
The Monday Pops ! The Monday Pops !
Delight of fogies and of fops !
The music that all other wops,
Is given at the Monday Pops.
Their fame all rivals far o'er-tops :
You see their programmes at the shops ;
And here the hard exhausted stops,
His rhymings on the Monday Pops.
THE LIQUOR CONTROVERSY.
'Spectablc Citizen. " ISH MY OPI'ION THISH P'MISSIYTS BILL 'SH VISXASH'IOIIS
MEASURE. (Hid) WHY SHOULD I BB D'PRIVED OK NBSH-SH-ARY R'FRESHMENT,
'CAUSK ANOTHER PARTY HASN'T — CAN'T — DOESN'T— KNOW WHEN HK'SH HAD
ENOUGH ? SHTAN' UP, OL' MAN ! I ! "
TRUE BILL?
MUCH ingenuity has been expended in trying to
prove that SHAKSPEARE was a lawyer, and, amongst
sther passages in his writings, the two first lines of the
Sonnet which commences —
" When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,"
may he thought to indicate that he possessed legal
acquirements. Has it, however, occurred to the editors
and commentators, that these lines are capable of another
interpretation, and may he considered to add a new item
to our scanty knowledge of SHAKSPEABE'S personal his-
tory, if we take the more probable view, that when he
penned them he had in bis mind's eye those familiar
Tribunals — the Quarter Sessions — to which, it may be
whilst residing in the Metropolis, but most undoubtedly
after his retirement to Stratford, he would be sum-
moned in the capacity of Grand Juryman ?
SOUP AND SEEMON.
THE Morning Post records an interesting case of —
" SDPPER TO CONVICTBD FELONS. — On Tuesday evening a supper was
given to one hundred and fifty convicted felons by NBD WRIGHT, the well-
known converted burglar, at the Mission Hall, Hales Street, High Street,
Deptford. The candidates for tickets of admission were compelled to attend
the night before the supper and give an account of themselves to prove that
they really were convicted felons, and by the sharp and close questioning of
MR. WRIGHT, about fifty were refused tickets as impostors."
The fifty impostors who were fain to palm themselves off as con-
victs for the sake of a supper, must have been poor knaves indeed.
These supernumeraries, for whom there was no seat at the table of
Society, constitute a spectacle on the stage of life which it may be
painful to some people and pleasant to others to contemplate from
the dress circle. It is too probable that this Capital contains very
many more of these Esaus, as they might be called if they had
anything of a character so valuable as a birthright to dispose of on
ESAU'S terms, with the small extras undermentioned :—
" The recipients of this Charity were a very motley crew, and ranged in
years from six up to fifty. They were each served with a quantity of soup and a
nag containing bread and a bun, after which MR. WRIGHT addressed them in
his own peculiar manner, being listened to with marked attention."
MB. WKIGHT, we may suppose, took care to preach in a " tongue
understanded of the people^' who constituted his hearers, and
accordingly delivered a considerable portion of his discourse in the
language which our great-grandfathers called thieves' Latin. A
sermon in slang, however, would, perhaps, be more curious than
edifying. Let us hope that MR. WEIGHT'S may possibly have had
the effect of converting the guests who would once have been his
pals from the error of their ways, formerly his own. Such, at least,
appears to have been bis laudable intention : —
" A large number of ladies and gentlemen interested in such work attended
VOL. LTJI.
and gave the benefit of their advice and co-operation. In the course of the
evening MB. WRIGHT announced his intention of taking under his patronage
a number of the boys then present, who might be desirous of earning an
honest livelihood, and furnishing them with money and clothes to make a fair
start in life."
It would rejoice both ourselves and our benevolent readers tc
know that the acceptance of this offer by a considerable number oi
MB. WBIGHT'S young friends may be the commencement of a career
of good living, wherein they will very soon attain to better far*
than a quantity of soup, a bag of bread, and a bun, quite good
enough as that is for convicted felons, besides being peculiarly suit-
able as precluding any necessity for knives and forks chained to the
table.
Lawyers and Lunatics.
How hardly will Judges, for the most part, admit the plea oi
insanity in exculpation from a charge of murder 1 How reaoilyare
they wont to entertain it as a reason for setting aside a will ! How
right they are in either instance ! Suppose a maniac is hanged as a
man of sound mind, his execution serves just as well, for the purpose
of example, as it would if he were. But my Luds would make a
mistake on the wrong side by misdirecting Jurors to determine
insanity to have been sanity in a case wherein a lunatic might pos-
sibly have misdisposed of property.
Serious Affair.
A MOST determined act of self-inflicted torture has recently
caused a considerable sensation in a fashionable quarter of Town
A lady, young, lovely, and accomplished, with troops of mends
and all that makes life enjoyable at her command, was detecte'
deliberately " screwing up " her face !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 27, 1872.
EXTRACTS FROM
THE DIARY
WOMAN.
OF THE COMING
O the Temple of Un-
trammelled Thought.
Sunday, May 10,
1882. Heard a trans-
cendent oration from
Althea Duxmore on
" Dogmas and Dog-
matics." Bi-monthly
levy for the expenses
of the Temple. Ste-
phanotis Hewleigh
and I the eleetnosy-
nars who collected in
the new Septentrional
Vestibule, where the
men are put. Their
united contributions
amounted exactly to
half a Victoria !
Several dimes in the
salver. The new Act.
limiting the personal
expenses of Adult
Males, may have
something to do with
this. Shall move in
the Saloon for Re-
turns showing the
working of the Act.
Alfred nowhere to be
seen in the Vestibule ;
perhaps detained by
the children's toilette.
In the afternoon at
the new Museum
of Natural History
opened this Spring,
at Kensington. The Galleries crowded. Several of us, including Professors Sara
Sabina Thewes and Caroline Gostrong, delivered extemporary lectures on the
animals ; the men very attentive. In the evening to St. Paul's ; heard the new
organist, Charlotte Bach Stopmore, Mus. Doe. The Cathedral a blaze of splen-
dour with the Tyndaluminospectric light. We Women have yet something to
learn in physical science.
Monday, Stay 11. Received, by appointment, a deputation from the electors
of New Marylebone, inviting me to candidate that District at the next General
Election. Mrs. Admiral Stenterton, and Miss Lydia Boss Wolloby, the domi-
nant spokeswomen. Spread out my views on the Husbands' Regulation Move-
ment, the Cigar-Tax, the Compulsory Inspection of Men's Clubs, and the
Repudiation of the National Debt. All satisfactory, and I agreed to retire from
Juuey. Deputation luncheoned with me. No place kept for Alfred, who had to
(it at a side-table.
To the Club (the Gynecium), and flashed a long private cryptogram to the
Chairwoman of my Committee at Jutley. Dined at the Club. After dinner in
the Fumitory. Took a Cabriole to the Saloon. Driver an extortionist ; but '
I knew the exact distance, to the tenth of a kilometre. Saloon debating the
J,url.es Exemption (Women) BUI. Spoke, I think, with sensation. The venerable
rl of Hughenden came in as I was perorating. Alfred, in the Gentlemen's
Gallery, in tears. I wore my black velvet and point lace pelerine, with the
diamond »tar he gave me after the Jutley election. That tiresome, tedious, \
insufferable Hannah Longbore (how South- West Suffolk stands her so lon°-
1 cannot imagine) prosed on against the BUI, and sided with the Men, but we
dgeted her down at last. She had on that old crimson satin which has seen !
three sessions at least! Maiden speech from Marian Spray— pretty enough,
torget what Men spoke. Mrs. Leader Donne, the lovely (!) and accomplished
Member for Ironville, closed the debate. Rather too great a parade of learning ;
positively she quoted Lycophron in the original ! But we aU see through Mrs.
Deader s schemes-she means the Educational Under-Secretaryship, when Bella
ialayse goes to the Upper Saloon as a Peeress jure sun. Home by Twelve.
Altred sitting up for me. What a resource that Hurtus Siccus is to him !
Tuesday, May 12.— Card from Madge Bassingham, R.A., for her Inaugural
Preelection, as Pigmentary Professor at the Royal Academy. Could not go,
as 1 was engaged on a Committee at the Saloon-Metropolis Extension, Brighton
Annexation Bill. Dined with Mrs. Abraham Skrooley, M.P. Woman's party,
^onstantia exquisite. Discussed over our cigarettes the arrangements for
the approximating Women's Cosmopolitan Congress. Alfred and one or two
other Men came m the evening.
If'^laetday, May \:\. N,,t w 11 in the morning. Flashed for Dr. Martha
kingholrae. She was detain** at the Spleen Hospital, but her partner,
liarrift .Chamomile, came and appli, ,i the Magnetic U, tonator to my spine and
T^T V n7£"?- Jns,H,n1' r!'litf' Iu the evening at the Biennial Banquet
of the Indigent Widowers' Pension Fund at Willis's. The Duchess of Middlesex
i the chair. After dinner the Indigent Widowers circuited the tables and
attracted much attention by their neat and respectable
appearance. I proposed the toast of " The Gentlemen."
Alfred responsed, and for a wonder did not break
down.
Thursday, May 14. Gave Cook a lesson on the harp
before breakfast. Sitting in the Library reading Mill's
" Woman Triumphant," when my electric alarum rang.
Message from Oxford from my youngest sister, Bianca,
to say that she had that instant been elected Fellow of
Carlyle College. Three hundred and ten competitors.
Tremendous examination, lasting three weeks. Bianca' s
thorough domination of Russian, Japanese, political
economy, statistics, aerostatics, electrology, hygiene and
thermapeutios, gave her the victory. Hope some day
she wUl stand for the University. For joy I took a
half holiday. (Left Alfred quite happy with his silk-
worms.) Gymnastic relaxation at the Palaestra on
the Expanse at Hampstead. Then by Tube to Dover.
Tunnelled over to Paris, shopped, and back by the six
rapid. Might have stayed later for we could not make
a Saloon : seven short of the legal (iaorum, a hundred —
so many Members (men, I need hardly say) absent at
the Great International Croquet Tryst at the Crystal
Palace. Passed an hour pleasantly at the Diatomaceous
Society, of which I have lately been baUoted a Fellow.
Friday, May 15. Busy all the morning preparing my
oration on the " Wise Sayings of Wise Women in all
Countries and Epochs," for the Congress. (Interrupted
twice by Alfred, who had got the housekeeping accounts
and the washing-book into a fearful muddle.) Great
meeting at 3'30 in Emancipation Hall, to welcome Mrs.
Hale Columbia Spragg, the first female President of the
United States. She has transited the Atlantic to attend
our Congress, but can only be present at this evening's
Inauguratory, as she must be in New York again before
sundown to-morrow. Went to the Saloon, but it imme-
diately adjourned, on the motion of Mr. Theodore
Stuke, to enable the Lady M«mbers to festinate to the
Congress. Immense success. Fifteen hundred Delegates
from every country in the world processed down the
Hall, and then arranged themselves by Continents on
the gilded dai's. Twenty-five thousand women computed
to be present in the Spectatorium.. Our distinguished
champion and unflinching Hegemon, Amelia Smackles,
assumed the presidential throne. Incessant coruscations
of enthusiasm, which culminated when a black sister
moved the fourteenth resolution, demanding the total,
immediate, and unconditional transfer of all menial
labour from Woman to Man. Did not get home till
1 P.M. Left my key behind me, so obliged.! to rouse
up Alfred, who was in bed, in great distress at the loss
of one of his canaries, and had forgotten to order ;my
stout. Vexatious !
Saturday, May 16. Dejeuned at the Constellation
Hotel with dear Amelia, to meet Mrs. President Spragg,
Chief Justice Roberta Cokestone (from Liberia), the
Lady Warden of the Cinque Ports, the Lady Mayoress,
the Mistress of the Mint, and other forward Members
of the Congress. The President left us at noon. She
would balloon over to New York in five hours and a
half. Quiet dinner at Richmond in the evening. Only
Amelia, two of the elder Sisters of the Trinity House,
and the Delegates from Germany, Turkey, Greece, and
China. Bianca joined us unexpectedly from Oxford,
and introduced her bosom friend, the Professor of
Anatomy, Henrietta Stott Trawsell. Delisrhtful pro-
menade by the river before dinner. Met Alfred fishing
for gudgeon.
MORE EDUCATION-FIGHT.
PUNCH shudders to see fte Metric question raised
again. Are we not in the thick of an Educational War
already ? Will our contemporaries abstain from putting
new reasons for quarrel into the heads of fanatics.
We shall certainly have the Decimal business taken
up by Denominationalists and by Secularists. Ten
fingers point out that the natural law is one of decimals.
Also, there are ten commandments for the theologian.
On the other hand, there are twelve signs of the Zodiac :
this for nature; and twelve Apostles: this for theology.
0, please let the matter alone, and let the little boys
and girls be taught anyhow, so that they are taught
at all.
oNOTToR"THra LONDON CHARIVARI.
35
CHURCH DIS-ESTABLISHMENT.
EHMINAL PUNCH,
FIVE more London
churches are to be imme-
diately destroy.. 1. Down
with them ! 1 irst down
with St. Mildred's, in the
Poultry. It was built by
A PROFESSION'S UNION.
AT Bas-Unterwald, according to the Siaisa Times .—
clans' demands.'
There was a time when a strike of patients «T*^ ™|Ji{| ™
---*- decrease of the rate ol i <>•.
probably be struck down
gi^tSEwKEwwiraiSS
Ea^^ |i? s^»^^S^atrte-«SJ*s
Lectureship m St. John s "2^^ picket and waylay, and beat the others on their road to
College, Oxford. i Who °^cs^y-orkjlol1lse or'across country to the recipient of out-door relu
hh * c™*.
Lane. That, too, was the work of the Architect ot Ht. i'aui s, ai
mdrv be the memories which our old dramatists and our W U.TKR
SCOTT have hung on " St. Anthing's." It is very meet and right
that the old City churches should all go, few persons now abiuin
near them on Sunday, and religion being a thing for Sunday. ...
CHRISTOPHER'S Cathedral, as it is also a Mausoleum, will probably
be spared until some railway or tramway shall want the site.
Yours, delighted,
EROSTRATTJS VAXBAL.
ORGANS OF OFFENCE.
OMINOUS INDEED!
ALL England, that reads the newspapers, will have felt the shock
of a truly — . . . .
l2KfflC3±^^
by which a large number of girls have been seriously injured.
Considering for what Constituency the PR?«EB is Mefm^?' °!
ParlUment, the majority of people cannot but. be,;momentar ily^at
,„ of the American Gatlmg that: —
Gun called the " British Mitrailleuse " was tried for the first time | „ A few ^^ ago the Government seized 3b5 cases i of ball
at Woolwich. The following is a description of this benevolent
machine : —
'< It consists of ten barrels hooped together and revolving in the centre, anc
fitted into a carriage like that of an ordinary field-gun which, at a sh.
distance, it greatly resembles. The barrels and cartridges are similar to
distance, it greatly resemoies. iuo uui ™ -r — .,;^0^«™,
those of the Henry-Martini rifle— in diameter -io in.; the cartridge-cases
being of brass, and bottle-necked."
I i Tremendous, however, as may be the execution which this weapon
is* capable of doing among a flock of soldiers, authorities are ot
opinion that, " like small arms generally, it must give way to rifled
ordnance." On its trial : —
" Indeed most of the Royal Artillery Officers present seemed to think that
machine-gun can never stand against Artillery, even if lU delicate machinery-
did not become disarranged by mere musket-shot.
So that a comparison is suggested to those who read, that when the
" British Mitrailleuse " is made ready and placed in positio
" A handle like that of a street-organ, and fixed at the side of the trail, is
then turned at any degree of rapidity required, and the barrels load and nre
unmth"Bupplvof cartridges U exhausted, which takes about five minutes
under favourable conditions."
One is led to compare the British Mitrailleuse with the Italian
Grinding Organ, and to question if the latter be not, of the two, the
more offensive instrument.
Corrigendum.
THE antiqnitv of the Athanasian Creed being now shown to be a
myth, the date 'being that of CHARLEMAGNE, would it not be we 11.
before the Prayer Book is finally revised, that the correction shouk
be made ? For it will take many a year to abolish the beliet that
St Athanasius drew up the document, especially as divers tneol
ffians think nothing of some four hundred and fifty years ot wha
they imagine to have been the Dark Ages,
absurdly) called the Creed of St. Athanasius" is a line that, in i
century or so, might have an effect upon the less un-mtelligent.
The obvious suggestion conveyed by this statement is, that there
has occurred not only a terrific explosion m the b^ouf,iotrHr?!n;
wich, but also a not less alarming blow-up in the
Absit omen .' —=====
ELEGANT ADVERTISING.
IF. you like, read this advertisement from the Christian World.—
CO-PARTNER WANTED, by a highly respectable Man, aged 30
member of Spurgeon's. *A gentlemanly per»n required, aT»Uever
with about £50, and who can travel.— Address, &c.
the first place a gentlemanly person would i
50" reads rather Mammonish. It suggests ..u..* - 0«.r«-
5 or apositivist with about £100 would not be unacceptable.
TMrdTy, "who can travel." Who can't travel with about £50f MR.
COOK will give you a return-ticket tor the Pyramid for about iat.
Fmirthlv the "and" is abominable English. We wisn (
est^medVend the Christian World would edit its advertiBements.
We really can't be always doing it.
=====
Dignity for Doctors.
is suggested that a fitting honour to be conferred on meritorions
J °-rgeons would be that of the Order of the Bath.
mnt><> «iiitt*hl*> • hut should. tli6 liutn. D€ the Hot—
j^ioiiiimir uuu-HA uc mure aiiin*Lnw ? **
Bath or the Cold ?
36
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[JANUARY 27, 1872.
GENEROSITY.
Noble Lord (whose Side has brought to a scarcely untimely end a very consumptive-looking Fallow Deer). " TUT— T, T, T, T, TOT ! 0,
I SAT STUBBS !— (to his Keeper)— YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET ME KILL SUCH A POOR, LITTLE, SICKLY, SCRAGGY THING AS THIS, YOU
KNOW! IT POSITIVELY ISN'T FIT FOE HUMAN FOOD! AH! LOOK HERE, NOW! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. You AND MCFAKLIN MAY
HAYB THIS BtJCK BETWEEN YOU II!"
A SEAT ON A SAFETY-VALYE.
As Income-tax partial see THIEES oppose,
0 WILLIAM the Earnest, 0 ROBERT the True !
A soul above fear of the Rabble he shows ;
Is that to be said, British Statesmen, of you ?
Or is it that you, whom mob-courtship doth move
With tribute from all due to load a part's purse,
Albeit your Honours both see and approve
The better arrangements, do follow the worse ?
How bad are the worse, which poor fleeced Britons rue,
You have often confessed ; but decline to advance
On that high path which upright financiers puraue ;
They manage these matters much better in France.
For justice it is which disposes them there,
Political craft in this mighty free land,
Whose Rulers perpend not what impost were fair,
But what imposition tax-payers will stand.
It was not enough upon shoulders select
To pile your whole Budget ; on folk thus oppressed
(As housebreakers use, the strong-box to detect)
The Screw has been put ; they are over-assessed.
You fancy your Engine is working so well
By way of a Steam- Rack, 'twill yet more extort,
And bear any pressure your force can compel ;
You sit on the safety-valve, therefore, in short.
0 WILLIAM the Daring ! 0 ROBERT the Rash !
Though deaf to remonstrance, to caution give ear,
Ere high-pressure boiler burst up with a crash,
And blow aloft Stoker and hoist Engineer.
SAD ALTERATION.
THE Dramatist has led us to think that " Music hath charms to
soothe the savage breast," but the " Heavenly Maid" is not so
"young" as she was when CONGREVE wrote, and increasing years
seem to have changed her mood and spoiled her temper. What
other conclusion can we come to, when we find in an article on
" Music" in one of the newspapers, in some comments on the per-
formance of a young lady on the piano at a Monday Popular Concert,
the disquieting statement that she " left her mark as usual on the
audience, the music, and the piano " ? It is some little relief to
find the writer adding that " this last was more than once punished
severely ; " as it ia a fair inference to draw, that whatever the
sufferings of the piano may have been, the music, and, which is far
more important, the audience, escaped with only one assault.
The Managers of the Monday Concerts should consider, before it is
too late, whether they are not endangering the well-deserved popu-
larity of their agreeable entertainments, by allowing performances
which would seem to have rather too striking an effect upon the
hearers.
Nocens Absolvitur.
THE South London News makes rather an unkind suggestion.
Thieves enter tradesmen's shops, under pretence of selling some-
thing. The News thinks that people who would be exempt from
such visits skould "keep watch, and, on opportunity, hand the
victims over to the police." This may be fair in South London,
wherever that is, but in Fleet Street we do not dispense that kind
of justice.
A HINT TO L. AND B. EAILWAT.
THE Real "Nine Hours' Movement"— to Brighton and back for
Half-a-Crown.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.^ANDABY 27, 1872.
TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
BOB THE STOKEB. " LOR' BLESS YOU, M'NSEER ! THAT 'S THE WAY WE ' RAISE THE WIND ; '—SIMPLEST
THING IN THE WORLD!"
M. THIEKS. " HE, MON AMI ! PRENEZ GARDE ! HE SHALL ' BLOW UP ' ONE DAY ! "
JANUABT 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
39
FRESH, NOT TIGHT.
HERE is, or was, in this
town a Public •: house,
wherein the administration
of justice was, and may
still be, wont to he nightly
burlesqued by certain
buffoons under the name
of a Judge and Jury Club.
Let us hope that this was
the only Court of Law
which could possibly have
been in the eye of the
ATTORHEY-GENERALwhen,
in the course of his concise
oration delivered on behalf
of the Infant against the
Claimant, he spoke, with
reference to the latter, as
follows :—
" Besides, such it the plea-
gantry — I would not say the
profit — of our English law,
that if he fails in this can he
may go at it again with fresh
witnesses, let us hope with
fresh counsel— (Itiuyhtor)— at least with a fresh jury— I Bay nothing of a
fresh judge. (Cbntirtued laughter.')"
The members of the Temperance League, and the United Kingdom
Alliance must surely have been shocked, as many as those who
read and duly considered the foregoing words, by the idea which
they suggest of a generally Fresh Court of Common Pleas. This
horrid image was enough to have unfixed their hair and made their
excited hearts knock at their ribs beyond the use of nature. Sobriety
is so specially characteristic of the Ermine that " sober as a Judge
is an adage ; not, indeed, because Judges are supposed not to
drink, but to be able to drink any quantity. Irreproachable with
laxity in the discharge of their high functions, British Judges are
at all times incapable of getting tight.
EVENINGS FfiOM HOME.
UK. BARLOW, with MASTERS SAITDPORD and MxRTOtr, at the
THEATRE, to see " The Last Days of Pompeii."
Tommy. Pray. Sir, what and where was Pompeii P
Mr. Barlow. It was, my dear TOMMY, a Roman, municipality,
full of eligible villas, pleasantly situated in the immediate neigh-
bourhood of Mount Vesuvius, and within easy reach of the sea. It
was "a place to spend a happy day," and " there and back" from
Naples formed one of the chief excursions, at a very moderate rate,
for the middle classes of Neapolis.
They had just commenced this instructive and entertaining con-
versation, when the curtain rising discovered to their eager eyes as
artistic and effective a scene (with the exception of stationary
painted groups, whose fixed attitude strangely contrasted with the
movement of .the actors in front of them) as it Jiad hitherto been
their lot to behold
As the play went on, HARRY requested permission of MR. BAKLOW
to ask a question.
Hurry. Did you not tell us, Sir, that the " e " in Pompeii was long ?
Mr. Barlow. Indeed, HARRY, I did.
Harry. And did you not also tell us that one of the purposes of a
theatrical exhibition, such as this is, is the advancement of educa-
tion among all sorts and conditions of people ?
Mr. Barlow. You are again correct, and truly I begin to perceive
the drift of your remark. Therefore let me toll you that had any
Eton boy said PompSii, instead of Pompeii, he would speedily have
been taught the force of an argamentan addressed, as was one of
HORACE'S Odes, ad puerum.
Htin-y. Surely too, Sir, a diphthong is long ; so that the name
Apascides should not be rendered Appy-cides, as if the name were
an unaspirated pronunciation of .Happy Cides.
To this M a. BARLOW replied that doubtless these honest folks had
cogent reasons for their mode of pronunciation, with which he
advised HARRY to become acquainted, before taking upon himself
to pronounce an unmitigated condemnation of them.
' You will now perceive, TOMMY," said MR. BARLOW, during the
performance of the Third Scene of the First Act, " that the crafty
Arbiices is anxious to entice the sentimental young gentleman, Appy
Citlts, to partake of the repast with him."
Harry. But, Sir, surely the young man's objection to accept the
invitation of the Egyptian, must arise from a sense of politeness on
his part, which, as there is nothing edible on the table, I fancy,
except one plate of fruit, will not permit him to deprive Arbacet of
even a portion of a dessert that has, evidently, been only ordered
for one.
Mr. Barlow. Indeed, HARRY, I think you are right, and had
Arbaces thought of it, I am certain he would willingly have ex-
tended his hospitality to a bag of nuts or some cakes^of gingerbread.
But you must remember that Appy Cidet, or, as 'he seems to me,
j Un- appy Cides, is only the pupil of Arbaces, and does not appear
i at his tutor's table until dessert-time.
Tummy. If I were there I would go and eat everything, and then
I would dance with one of the young ladies.
Mr. Barlow. I am sorry, TOMMY, that you are of that mind; and
at another time — for 1 perceive that the good people in the pit, by
their repeated cries of hush, and by the direction of [their^attention
towards us, wish rather to hear the dialogue on the .stage .than my
discourse, which is, after all, of a personal: and private^character —
at another time, I was about to say, I will read to you an instructive
story on greediness, entitled Chares and the Convulsive Tailor.
Tomir looked on at the piece very sulkily for some '.time, being,
indeed, intent upon the antique cups and goblets and upon the
plate of luscious fruit which he had already ^noticed. But. on seeing
that neither .1 - '• < * nor the sentimental young gentleman partook
of anything that was provided for them, he began to have high
opinion of their breeding, and before the scene was finished iwas
heartily sorry for his error, and applauded all he saw^and^heard
with increasing rapture and delight.
Mr. Barlow. You may, indeed, evince 'your gratitude to these
worthy people, since they have done all in their power'to entertain
and instruct us. And, indeed, where all is done so vastly well, 'I
know not what to commend most, whether the sonorous" voice and
i dignified sooundrelism of that twice-crushed Priest of .Isis, the
iniquitous and unprincipled Arbaces, played by the remarkably
upright and conscientious actor, MR. UYDBR ; or whether the
£entle pleadings of the blind Nydia— MissIHonsoir is the young
lady's name, my dear TOMMY, and I have no doubt she saw and
appreciated your boyish enthusiasm — or the bearing of .MR. RIGNOLD
throughout a remarkably difficult and most trying part. .But,
HARRY, what is your opinion ?
Harry. Why, Sir, I am very little judge of ithese^mattera. but I
protest that I feel mightily indebted to those clever'"gentlemen,
MASTERS GORDON and HARFORD (I had well-nigh"slipt ' into the
error of saying MASTERS MERTON and SASTDPORD) for the scenery
which has so admirably served to illustrate thiajilplay. ~I am sorry
that Appy Cides was killed, as, having become .a Christian, there
would, I am sure, have been every opportunity open to him as an
estimable young curate of evangelical proclivities.
Tommy (during the cleverly arranged Amphitheatre Scene,
Act IV.) I am glad to see, Sir, that in this scene where we have so
much to admire, the tumblers
Mr. Barlow. These, my dear TOMMY, represent "the gladiators.
And you must remember that on the stage, where every combat has
to be carefully arranged both as to the number and fashion of the
blows given and received, and as to who shall be, and who shall not
be the conqueror, the contest of two determined champions, or
rather of two champions whose course has been previously deter-
mined, cannot fail to be of a most thrilling"and>xoiting character.
Tommy. 0, Sir! they have given orders toilet the Lion loose.
0, Sir ! the Lion is coming !
Harry. I do not believe that all these fine gentlemen and ladies
would remain so still if there were, indeed, a'.Lion approaching.
Mr. Barlow. The Lion, my dear TOMMY, is a native of bothjlndia
and Africa. When they are hungry, they kill every Jmimal they
meet, and will even devour little boys
Here poor TOMMY'S trepidation was increased'to such an extent
that he would have quitted his seat and the theatre, but for the
\ sudden entry of the traitor Calenus, whose charge of murder brought
against his master, the wily Arbaces, instantly distracted every-
one's thoughts from the coming of the expected monster.
Both MR. BARLOW and HARRY were loud in their praises of the
dramatist who had contrived to arouse in the!breaststof the spec-
• tators such emotions of fear, by the absence of the Lion, as could
scarcely have been equalled by his formidable presence.
" Indeed," said MR. BARLOW, " on reflection,*.! am'led to consider
the chiefest part in this piece to be the Lion's share in it. ><He is
spoken of at the commencement of the play, he is often alluded! to
throughout, and the bare mention of his name sensibly electrifies
the spectators on and off the stage. From the very first we are
i incited to expect his appearance. He has not to^roar to make him-
self dreaded. He has not even to be present, either on or off, the
scene.
Harry. This device is, in my humble judgment, worthy of high
commendation in the play-wright, who has thus evinced his re-
verence for the words of the immortal WILLIAM, and whose plan is
in cordial agreement with Bottom's opinion on this very matter,
40
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[JANUARY 27, 1872.
A QUESTION FOR THE SHIRES.
•Now, DEAR, WHICH DO you PREFER FOE THE 'Tors'?— THE DEEPER SHADE, OR VERY PALEST PINK!"
which, my dear TOMMY, as yon are as yet unacquainted with the
works of SHAKSPEARE, I will repeat to you. " Masters," says
Bottom, " You ought to consider with yourselves, to bring in a lion
among ladies is a most dreadful thing, for there ts not a more fearful
wild fowl than your lion, living."
TOMMY was so forcibly struck by this adroit application of a famous
passage from the plays of SHAKSPEARE, that he determined, on the
first opportunity to read all these dramas through from beginning to
end. And having already set himself to the study of astronomy and
mechanics, solely in order to make himself as proficient in the
art of applicable illustrations as was his friend HARRY MERTON,
TOMMY now found that he had at least one hour of the day fully
occupied.
On their return from the theatre MR. BARLOW, ever anxious for
the improvement of both his young friends, commenced reading
to them the story of The Magistrate and the Elephant ; but, seeing
that both his young friends were fast asleep in their chairs, he lit
his chamber-candle and retired for the night.
On entering his room somewhat suddenly, a pair of boots,
artfully placed so as to rest on the door, which had been stand-
ing ajar, descended on his head ; and the next instant, on his
taking one step forward, he came in contact with a stout string, so
skilfully fastened, as not only to throw him sharply on the floor, but,
being cunningly connected with the fire-irons and the washing-
stand, it brought down these articles also with a great crash and
much confusion. Before he could arise from his painful position,
TOMMY and HARRY had rushed up-stairs to render to their revered
preceptor what assistance was in their power. Being questioned as
to the hand they had had in this strange affair, MASTER TOMMY.
with becoming modesty, acknowledged that it was he who had
devised the scheme. And," said he, "I protest I think it is no
inadequate representation of what must have been the consequence
in several houses during the Eruption of Mount Vesuvius in the
Last Days of Pompeii.
So saying, both the boys withdrew themselves rapidly from their
beloved tutor's apartment, and locked themselves into their own
rooms. Soon after this, they were all in a sound slumber, which
lasted until a late hour on the following morning.
VINDICTIVE TEUTONS.
THERE is a good deal of talk in France about revenge to be taken
one of these days upon the Germans for having repelled and beaten
their invaders. In the meanwhile, according to the Post, those
barbarous Germans are trying to revenge themselves, in their heavy
way, on the enemies who have been twitting them with stealing
clocks and watches, by an —
" IMPORTANT RESTORATION OF SPECIE. — The Oourrier de Meurthe et
Moselle announces that the six millions of francs which had fallen into the
hands of the German troops after the capitulation of Strasburg, and belonging
to the Bank of France, are about to be restored to that establishment through
its branch bank at Nancy."
This, of course, is a practical sarcasm at the expense of a nation
represented by some of its orators and statesmen as having been
aggrieved by being forced to restore pictures and works of Art which
the First NAPOLEON and his gangs in uniform had pillaged from
their neighbours. It is obviously meant to suggest an odious com-
parison between those who make restitution of even lawful plunder
in hard cash, and those others who grumble because of having been
compelled to replace Art-treasures actually stolen, and that in some
cases from friends. This is clumsy German satire to be sure, hut it
tumbles down pretty heavily for all that on the heads of them that
shouted " A Berlin f "
Sporting News.
THE lovers of manly British sports will be glad to know that
there is a chance of seeing another good fight, or so, before the law
is altered. A rattling mill is to come off in the north of the West
Riding. POWELL, the well-known Cambridge Slogger, is matched
against HOLDEN, of the above parts, who has not fought in public,
but is known in the Chapel districts as a determined cove. As this
will be nearly the last of the real old English fights, much interest is
excited. The white chokers are with POWELL, and HOLDEN is
backed by the humbler humboxes. Both men will do all they know,
and a clinking good contest may be expected.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
41
NEGATIVE KNOWLEDGE.
WE never knew a cabman with on eyeglass, or a
chimneysweep with spectacles.
We never knew a lady buy a bargain at a shop sale,
and not afterwards regret it.
We never knew a man propose the toast of to* even
ing, without his wishing that it had not been.placed in
ft ' '
"CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."
WHAT
Uncle. "WELL, TOMMY, YOU SEE I'M BACK; AM YOU READY!
HAVE I TO PAY FOR, MISS?"
Miss. "THREE BUNS, FOUR SPONGE CAKES, Two SANDWICHES, ONE JELLY
FIVE TARTS, AND "
Uncle. " GOOD GRACIOUS, BOY ! ARE YOU NOT ILL?
Tammy. "No, UNCLE; BUT I'M THIRSTY."
abler hands.
\\ , never knew a waiter in a hurry, at a chop-house,
who did not say that he was "Coining, Sir!' when
eally he was going. _. .
We never lost a game to a professional at billiards,
without hearing him assign his triumph chiefly to ms
lukes.
TO THE STATE COACHMAN.
(Suggested by a Passage in the new Q. JR.)
" CANNING did not know that tadpoles
Turn to frogs." Each fool explodes :
But that ftuefler of the Yelpers
Knew that patriots turn to toads.
GLADSTONE goes in for omniscience ;
Does the team obey the bit
A* when PAM'S whip stung with banter,
Or when CANNIXG'B cut with wit ?
WILLIAM ! Punch, who likes yon, counsels-
Mix gome humour with your zeal,
Making humbugs think is hopeless :
Be content to make them/ee/.
No Misnomer.
CORRESPONDENT of the Times,
A CORRESPONDENT of the Times, whose note is
headed " Civil Service Grammar," writes _a remonstra
because he has seen a Government Cart going about
inscribed "Her Majesty's Stationary Office. He
evidently under a misconception as to what omc
meant, for what man who reflects on the progress of
the new Law Courts, the new National Gallery, the new
Natural ffilry Museum, the ; Wellington .Monument,
&c., can doubt for a moment that "Her Majesty s Sta-
tionary Office" is the Office of Works and Public
Buildings ? _
IN ANGELA HONOREM.
" A Meeting was held in the Hall of Columbia Market, on Monday evening,
SIK THOMAS DAKIN in the Chair, to comsider what testimonial of fpubhc
respect and gratitude should be offered to BAIIONESS BCBDBTT COUTTS. -
Daily Nev».
SWEET names there are that carry sweet natures in their sound ;
Whose ring, like hallowed bells of old, seems to shed blessing round :
Such a name of good omen, FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, is thine ;
And hers, our ANGELA'S, for all in want and woe that pine.
The QUEEN has made her noble ; but ere that rank was given,
She had donned robe and coronet of the peerage made in Heaven :
Baptised in purer honour than from earthly fountain flows,
Raised to a prouder Upper House than our proud island knows.
The loftiest of that peerage are of lowliest mood and will ;
And this their proud est lordship, Love's service to f ulnl :
Chief Stewards and High Almoners of the goods Heaven bestows—
'Tis theirs to see that Charity in Wisdom's channels Hows.
For e'en that stream, ill-guided, can poison goodly ground—
For health, sow fever broadcast, for blessing, blijiht, around :
'Tis not enough its waters to loose with lib ral mind ;
If Reason lends not eyes to Love, Love strays— for he is blind.
This she has known, our ANGELA, for whom men ask, e'en now,
" Fit tribute of our gratitude where shall we pay, and how T
If blessings clothed in substance, prayers made palpable, could be,
When had Kaiser, King, or Conqueror, such monument as sne
But what can gold, or silver, or bronze, or marble, pay
Of the unsummed debt of gratitude owed her this many a day t
What record, parchment-blazoned, closed in golden casket rare,
Can with her love, in England's heart, for preoiousness compare?
If we needs must find her symbol, then carve and set on high
A heavy-laden camel going through the needle s eye
Gold-burdened, by a gentle yet firm hand wisely driven,-
Our ANGELA'S, that on it rides, riches and all, to Heaven !
Or if a painted record be by the occasion claimed,
Paint up Bethesda's Pool, and round, the sick the halt, and maimed,
Waiting until our ANGELA through Earth s afflicted go
To stir wealth's healing waters, that await her hand to flow.
PIG-AND-BARGAIN-DRIVING.
THE Eastern Morning 2VelM_what a pretty name-why not the
Dawn f— hath a prosaic item : this :-
CT ANTED a GROOM and Coachman, and to assist the Gardener.
.V Wages 'l8«. per week to commence with, to be advanced 1«. per year
for everyTcar he remain.. Must understand horses and pigs, and be able to
drive one, or a pair.
We do not think the wages too high. A celebrated Oxford Don,
who could make Greek verses as fast as mill-wheels strike, yet who
was not so ready with ordinary English, beheld, from the top of t
coach, a drover striving to guide some pigs along the road. Wii hing
to be conversational, the Don observed to his neighbour, A difficult
Animal to drive is a Pig-one man— a. good many-very. BWB,
observe, were the materials for a pleasing remark but they -needed
arrangement. He was right, however. Pigs are g"°£»>L?***
and the Yorkshire advertiser who wants a man able to drive ^
pig, or a pair, is right in offering him the above noble rise in wage.
Correspondents will abstain from vulgar suggestions about a pig and
a " hog "—we don't understand them.
42
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JAXUABY 27, 1872.
"HERE BE TRUTHS."
Mistress. " BRING POME MORE BREAD, MARTHA?" Maid. ''THERE'S KANE, MEM!"
Mistress. "0, NONSENSE! I SAW A LOAF IN THE PANTRY."
Maid. " DID YB, MEM? I'M THINKING IT'S TIME YE WERE GETTINQ SPECS, THEN, FOE IT'S A CHEESE!"
"YOUE BONNET TO ITS EIGHT USE."
" LET me use my biretta,"
Says CARDINAL CciLEjf,
" To fan Ireland's school-lamp.
That burns smoky and sullen."
" No," says England, " your motives
'Twere cruel to doubt, —
But what if your rev'rence
Should put the lamp out t "
LONDON GOLD DIGGINGS.
DEAR Old England! well may one exclaim, on reading in the
Jiaily Newt a statement such as this : —
" VALUE OF LAND IN LOMBARD STREET.— A piece of land adjoining the
Lombard Exchange, in Lombard Street, has been sold for £9000, or about
£19 4*. 6d. per foot super."
It used to be affirmed that London streets were paved with gold,
and, by the side of the above, the story hardly seems beyond one's
power of credulity. Land worth nineteen pounds per foot must be
wellnigh as good as gold to its fortunate possessor, and the man who
owned an acre of it would hardly need to emigrate to any other
diggings. Assuredly, to any Fortunatus who owns much land in
Lombard Street, London may be looked on as the true Tom Tiddler's
Ground.
The New Judge.
Mr. Punch hears that LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBTTRN (one of
our most accomplished Latin writers) intimated to the CHANCELLOR
that the appointment of the new Judge for the (iueen's Bench was
a Sine Quainon,
WANTED— SIMPLICITY.
MB. PUKCH,
Is the English language a thing to be ashamed of ? I put
the question, because in a weekly literary journal, printed and pub-
lished in London in the mother tongue, I have just read, not without
some rubbing of eyes and much mental bewilderment, the following
singular announcement : —
" INSTITUTION OP CIVIL ENGINEERS. — The EMPEROR OP BRfon. was
elected an Honorary Member."
I have never heard that Brazil has become a French possession,
and I am positive that the Institution of Civil Engineers is not in
Paris, but in Great George Street, Westminster. Why, then, Bresil ?
Crack this Brazil-nut for Yours, unaffectedly,
J»°- SMITH.
P.S.— Can fish talk ? I ask this second question, after seeing that
another periodical publication contains an article with the heading,
" Perch Prattle."
We Can't See It.
Or all the odd kinds of consolation under affliction, the last
suggestion seems to Mr. Punch the oddest. We are mourning the
demise of the no-horned Infant Hippopotamus in the Regent's Park,
and we are told to be cheerful, for a two-horned Infant Rhinoceros
has gone to Madrid. The doctrine of compensations was never
pushed much further, even in a Scotch sermon.
Platonic Politics.
PLATO gives the best reason why Woman's Rights shsuld be con-
ceded, and Women be admitted to power. Listen, Dears, "Rulers
should have Personal Beauty." Kiss urns own old Punch.
,fc ™"?' '.' 1°
. In the PrKlnct of
' H,°"')r<1 "1"". "> «»« PMH» of 8t. J.ran. ClerkMweU. In the County of MlddleMi, at the Printing OBLMi ot Meun. Bradbury, BTMI. * ro., Ix»bx4
lMfnan. in the C.tj of London , .nd PublliDed by him >t No.M. Pleet Strset, In the Parl«h of St. Brt*e, Citf of London.-SiTCMuT, Jinairy 27, 187».
FEBRUARY 3, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PRIVATE SCHOOL CLASSICS.
(Letttir from a Lady.)
Du.ut MK. PL
THOUOJI you love to laugh, and we all love to laugh with
you, I know that you arc kindness itself when an afflicted woman
throws herself upon your sympathy. This letter will not be quite
so short as I could wish ; but, unless you have my whole story, you
will not understand my sorrow.
My boy, JOHXNY, is one of the dearest boys you can imagine. I
M ml you his photograph, though it does not half justice to the
•1w. etness and intelligence of his features ; besides, on the day it was
tnkeii, he had a cold, and his hair had not been properly cut, and
the photographer was very impatient,, and after eight or nine sittings,
lie insisted that I ought to be satisfied. 1 could tell you a hundred
anecdotes of my boy's cleverness, but three or four, perhaps, will be
enough.
! .V.//V than ,'nniiijh, ilfiir Madam. We proceed to the paragraph
that fnIloii'K I//C/H.]
Ilia father, I regret to say, though a kind parent, does not see in
JOHNNY the talent and genius which I am certain he possesses. The
child, who is eleven years and eleven months old, goes (alas, I must
say went) to a Private Academy of the most respectable description.
Only twelve young gentlemen are taken, and the terms are about
£100 a-year, and most things extra. The manners of the pupils are
strictly looked after ; they nave no coarse amusements ; and, to see
them neatlv dressed, going arm-in-arm, two and two. for a walk,
was quite delightful, i shall never see them again without tears.
My husband was desirous that JOHNNY should have a sound clas-
sical education, and we believed— I believe still— that this is given at
the Private School in question. One evening during the holidays, my
husband asked Jouxx v what Latin Book he was reading. The child
replied, without hesitation or thought— " Horace." "Very good,"
said his father, taking down the odious book. ' ' Let you and me
have a little go-in at Horace." I went to my desk, Mr. Punch, and,
as I write very fast, I resolved to make notes of what occurred, for I
felt that JOIINNY would cover himself with glory and honour. This
is what occurred. Of course, I filled in the horrid Latin, after-
wards, from the book, which I could gladly have burned.
Puna. Well, let us see, my boy. suppose we take Hymn number
liv. You know all about that ? Ad RempMicam. What does that
mi'ati ?
Johnny. 0, we never learn the titles.
Papa.' Pity, because they help you to the meaning. But come,
what s Rcmpublicam f
Johnni/. 1 suppose it means a public thing. Rent, '« a thing, and
publicus is public. [Was not that clever in the dear fellow, putting
words together like that, Mr. Punch t "Will you believe it, his Papa
did nothing but give him a grunt f]
Papa. Go on.
0 nan's, referent in iniiru to nod
Fltictus. O quid agi» t
Johnny. 0, navy, referring to the sea. I have known thee.
What will the waves do ?
[I thought this quite beautiful, like " What are the Wild Watet
Saving t1^
Papa, Ah
! Proceed.
fortiter ocrupu
Portion. Nonne vides —
Johnny. Bravely occupy the door.
You see a nun.
Papa. A nun, child. What do you mean?
Johnni/. A nun is a holy but mistaken woman, Papa, that lives in
a monastery, and worships graven images. [You see he had been
li<;iiitifnlh/ taught.]
/'.//HI. liut what word, in the name of anachronisms, do you
mako a nun ?
Johnii'/. Xonne. O, I forgot, Pa, that 's French. [Instead of being
pleased that the child knew three languages instead of two, his
Papa burst out laughing.]
Pupa. Try this :—
/." m t t'l'icu,
Antrim" • funibiu
I'i.r
Possin
Johnny. And celery sauoe is bad for an African,
And your aunts groan though there is no funeral,
And they could not \>a more imperious
If they had to endure a sea-voyage.
//'. Darling! Why don't you say something to encourage
him, Ton 'i It -\ delightful.
. Yes, it '» encouraging. Go on, Sir.
.1
Nun di, qiKit i< ><' races tnalo,
Johnny. You have no large pieces of lint.
Do not die, though they agaiu press you to say apyle.
Pupa. Nil pirtis timiiliu narita ptrppibus
;:t !
Jnhnny. No sailor is frightened at the dogs in a picture Le MM.
Papa, fitlit '», he sees, eh ?
— Tu, nisi mill's
Debts ludibrium, cave.
Johnny. If it wasn't for the wind,
You ouifht to play in a cave.
Papa. Ha ! Well, here 's the last ; we may as well go through it .
Mi/self. Papa ! don't be so crons.
1'upa. Mind your letter- writing, will you? [But / watn t letter-
writing. I was making notes.]
Nuper sollicitam qure miki ttcdtuui.
Johnny. Lately a solicitor was a great bore to me,
Papa. [To do him justice, he recovered his good-humour and
roared.] A great bore, was he ? They ore bores sometimes. Now
then —
Nunc desiderium, curaque non leva.
Johnny. I do not care for the light of the stars.
Papa. Hang it. JOHNNY, how do you get at stars" m that line;'
Johnny. De, of, siderium, dative, no, genitive plural of sidus, a
star, Papa, and fen's is light.
Papa, Finish. Interfusa nitentes
Vites aquora Cycladas.
What do you make of that ? " With an infusion of nitre the
vines are equal to Cyclops "—is that it?
Johnny. I think so, Papa dear. The Cyclops were great giants,
who poked out the eye o! Achilles with a hot stick, for throwing
stones at their ship.
Papa. Go to bed !
Johnny. What for, Papa ?
Myself. Yes, what for, TOM ? I 'm sure the dear fellow has done
his best to please you.
1'upa. You are right. It is I who ought to be sent to bed. All
right, JOHNNY. Let us have a game at the Battle of Dorking— get
the board. That 's good fun. But £100 a-year, and sollicitum, a soli-
citor, isn't. However, we '11 alter that.
And, dear Mr. Punch, he gave notice the very next day that
JOHNNY should not go back to the Private School, and is going to send
him to a College, to be starved, fagged, beaten, knocked down with
cricket-balls, trampled down at football, and taught to fight.
Believe me, yours,
AN UNHAPPY MOTHER.
True Thomas of Chelsea.
IT was MK. CAKLXLK who first revealed the existence of Phantasm
Captains, which many people refused to believe in, and laughed at
the notion of. What do they say now that a Board of Captains i
command over Captains ana Admirals too is called by its own
Secretary a Phantom Board? Surely that THOMAS of Chelsea is a
true Seer, and long since saw through Simulacra which have, in
truth, at last been discovered to be transparent Shams.
VOL. LXII.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3, 1872-
"THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STARE."
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
MR. BARLOW, with MASTERS HARRY SAITDFORD and Totrirr MERTOIT,
visits AsTLxr's TBSATRK, to see the Pantomime of " LADF GODIVA."
"THIS," exclaimed HABEY, "is an exhibition which affords me,
and indeed appears to give to a vast number besides myself, the
greatest gratification. „ ....
Tommy. I see, Sir, that St. George appears in this story -with \ should have unfortunately caught fire.
cess St. George has been brought into the comparatively modern
legend of Lady Godirn.
Harry. It seems to me, Sir, that you intended us just now to
remark 'some diverting jest in your use of the words feats and
"legs," which TOMMY, 1 fear, has failed to coraprohend.
Mr. Barlow. Indeed, HAHBY, you are quite right, and I trust
that both you, and TOMMY, will be able to utter such pleasantries
yourselves with a full appreciation of their value. I regret to notice
that Miss SHERIDAN, who, with much discretion, performs the part
of the Lady Godira, is suffering from cold, and is, consequently, a
little hoarse. This is natural at ASTLEY'S.
Then, turning to TOMMY, and smiling in his usual kind manner,
MR. BAEiowsaid, "My dear TOMMY, although you have not yet
mastered the amusing puns which I made in my recent discourse,
you can, it may be, tell me why Miss SHERIDAN resembles a pony ?
TOMMY, whose whole attention was now given to the scene,
expressed his intention of at once renouncing all attempts at solving
this problem. Whereupon ME. BAELOW cheerfully replied that
i Miss SHERIDAN so far resembled a pony, inasmuch as she was,
unfortunately, on that evening, " a little hoarse." HAERY laughed at
this sally, and, indeed, considered his beloved tutor a prodigy of wit
and ingenuity ; but it was otherwise with TOMMY, who remained
silent and depressed during the greater part of the entertainment ;
and, indeed, it was not until the very effective Transformation
Scene that TOMMY'S unbounded pleasure and admiration once more
found vent in the most unqualified applause, in which the entire
audience joined.
Harry. These expressions of delight remind me of the story you
read to me the other day, Sir, called Agcsilaus and the Elastic
Nobleman. As TOMMY has not heard it I will
But at this moment a vast assemblage of children on the stage,
habited as soldiers, commenced the National Anthem at the top of
their voices, which for the time put an end to further conversation.
On quitting the theatre, TOMMY, who from having been in a state
of the greatest elation had once more resumed the sober and sad-
dened aspect with which he had listened to his tutor's discourse
during the play, took HABHY aside, and declared to him, with
tears in his eyes, that from that day forward he would never rest
till he had made himself thoroughly acquainted with all the jokes
in the English language, and had perfected himself in the art of
constructing new ones.
" Your determination, MASTER TOMMY," replied his young friend,
"reminds me of the story of Darius and the Corrugated Butcher ;
but, as I am too fatigued to-night to remember its main features, I
will defer the recital of it till to-morrow morning."
TOMMY evinced a great curiosity to know whether there were in
this tale any puns, upon which he might at _ once exercise his
intelligence, but on HARRY'S repeating his promise, he allowed him
to go to bed without further question.
Being thus left to his own resources, TOMMY MERTON , in pursu-
ance of his new resolution, went to the book-shelves and commenced
a search which was not destined to be altogether fruitless.
ME. BARLOW had scarcely been in bed two hours, when he was
aroused from a most peaceful and refreshing slumber by a loud
hammering and knocking at the door of his chamber. Unable to
imagine what had happened, and, indeed, fearing lest the premises
1 ' ' ' ' ' " he was on the point of
Lady Godiva ; pray, Sir, who was St. George ? gathering together such articles of clothing as he considered strictly
Mr. Barlow. There have been, my dear TOMMY, various opinions ! necessary, when TOMMY burst into the room half-undressed, and
on this interesting subject, and some honest folks have sought to bawling out, " I 've seen it ! I 've seen it ! "
interesting subject, and some honest folks have sought
identify the celebrated personage in question with a Butcher, who
served bad meat to the Christians in Palestine, while others have
" What have you seen ? " asked MR. BABLOW.
" Why,_Sir," answered TOMMY, " I had a mind to discoyerj before
Harry. But pray, Sir, why did not the antagonistic parties bring
the case into a Court of Law so as to obtain a decision.
Mr. Barlow. Your own experience, HABBY, will, doubtless, one
of these days furnish you with sufficient reason for the persons
interested not having given employment to the gentlemen of the
long robe. There was no claimant to the title living, and there was
nothing beyond a title to be claimed ; for, whether on the one hand
(with EUSEBITJS) revering him as a Saint, or, on the other (with
GIBBON) abusing him as "the infamous GEOBGE," both sides
admitted the object of their contention to have been long since
deceased. He is, however, the patron Saint of England, and owes
his great reputation in modern times to managers of Theatres at
Christmas, and writers of extravaganzas and of Pantomimes, to
whom his history is invaluable, as affording marvellous opportunities
for great scenic display, and spectacular effect, while the Saintly
Knight himself seldom fails to find an admirable representative in
cither a young lady of considerable personal attractions (as here at
ASTLEY'S) or in some eccentric and grotesque gentleman like one of
the lithsome PAYNES, or the agile MB.. YOKES, whose extraordinary
feats, with his legs, we have already witnessed at Drury Lane
Theatre. I confess, however, that I do not perceive by what pro-
similarity of pronunciation in the case of the substantive horse and
of the adjective hoarse, and also in feat and feet possessing a like
sound."
" Well," said MR. BAELOW, pausing, with a boot-jack in hand,
" vou are indeed right. And if you will approach a little nearer —
But TOMMY, anticipating the purport or his revered tutor's invi-
tation, had speedily withdrawn nimself from the apartment, being
careful at the same time to lock MR. BABLOW'S door on the outside.
" To-morrow," said ME. BAELOW quietly to himself as he returned
to his bed — " To-morrow we will tali over these things."
He now perceived that he was in a condition of unwonted restless-
ness ; and it was not until he had twice repeated to himself the story
of The Laplander and the Agreeable Peacock, that he fell asleep.
Doctors in Court.
MEDICAL men, experts and others, in the witness-box, are unfor-
tunately apt to use technical terms for which there are no equiva-
lents in plain English. For this pedantry the Judge usually snubs
them. Quite right. There are no hard words or phrases, of which
the use, by Judges or Counsel, is sometimes unavoidable, in Law.
FEBRUARY 3, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
AFTER THE PARTY.
Mater (armised by the Ilorst pulling up). " WHIT 's TUTS, MATTER, GUIDMAN ?— ONYTHING WRANG ?
Pater (liriin/ing his Faculties to a Fucu.i).
WHEN WB SfARTET FRAE ARDRISHAIO t"
LK.T us JUST CONSIDER THE BECENT CiBcciisrANCKs. WAS OOR JOHN IN THB Gio
OWLS THAT IS NOT HORQANS.
ME. PUNCH has— need he say it ?— the
profoundest admiration for the skill and
zeal of the great Healers who have con-
ducted H.R.H. the PRINCE OF WALES
out of the region of bulletins. But he
hopes that should any member of the
Royal Family again need medical ad-
vice (which good fortune forefend for
many a long day), no name belonging to
a member of the illustrious trio may be
signed to the affiches. It was not for
Mr. Punch to complain while bulletins
issued, but now all else is happiness, he
makes his moan, or rather (as MB. ROE-
BUCK says Birmingham is always doing)
makes his howl. How many thousand
idiots have sent Mr. Punch jests on the
names of the Doctors, he cannot say, but
the changes have been rung, a d nauseam,
on a " Jennerous diet," a Lowe fever,"
" OOR JOHN'
WAS IN THE GlO — WHEN TBSY
STARTED I
QUILDED LADIES.
LADIES, look at this proposal to pro-
mote what some of you may call the
mi 1 lini-ryi mi i urn : —
" A Guild of Ladies is proposed to be formed
to promote modesty of drew to do away with
extravagance, and substitute the neatness and
sobriety suitable to Christian women."
A guild formed to promote the sobriety
of women ought to nave SIR WILFRID
LAWSON for a patron, and should be
supported by every Teetotaller now
living in the land. But the sobriety
here mentioned is that of dress, not
drink ; and total abstinence from finery
and flummery of fashion is doubtless
the chief aim of the promoters of the
guild. Well, if they succeed in re-
ducing even chignons to reasonable
dimensions, they will deserve the thanks
of every one afflicted with good taste ; and
if they further are successful in reducing
a "bird of good omen — a Gull," until -- — i - — : — —
. But not one goose was gratified ; ha ! ha ! Fire, not vanity, i the enormous bills which ladies owe their milliners, they will earn the
was fed Still. Mr. Punch has suffered ; and therefore he begs '. heartfelt gratitude of many a poor husband, who can ill aflord t
••• A^«.« i^vi**! * .'••». .1 _ T» _ il * II • _ 1J »1 _.i -K.* k.,4- «»«. *»n*r r»ii^aa t Vl o^o iw
WU.3 It'll. iH I 1 1 ( JuL/ * .1 c*/*t.v» LLOO ouucid* ) *" — — j — K — — — — .
leave to suggest that all the three Doctors be raised to the Peerage. I pay them. All is not gold that glitters, but we may guess there is
They have richly deserved it, and so has SIB JAMES PAGET (whose true metal, and not merely specious glitter, in these Uuiided .Ladies.
thus — at the circumjacent world of donkeyism.
but Mr. Punch's
to give those
occasional peep — as
Mas. MALAPBOP has lately been ^studying Latin, with success.
But, as a good Church-woman, she cannot hold with the rule
Festina lente. She disapproves of feasting in Lent.
French and British Budgets.
M. THIEBS has been censured by some of our contemporaries for
his fiscal policy of seeking to impose heavy duties on raw materials.
At any rate, however, France will not be saddled (like an ass) with
an Income-tai ; so the taxation to which that country will
jected, will be comparatively light, even if it should have the ettect ot
making butchers' meat as frightfully dear there as it is in England.
46
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1872.
A TEMPERANCE HOSPITAL.
O to!
The anti-alcoholic mani-
festo lately put
forth by the two
hundred and fifty
first- class Doctors
is already produ-
cing the effect
which a demon-
stration, fortified
with names some
having handles to
them, seldom fails
to produce on a
portion of the
generally intelli-
gent British Pub-
lio. It has caused
"a movement."
The Daily News
announces that : —
" A movement has
been started to esta-
blish a hospital in
London ' for the
treatment of diseases
apart from the ordi-
nary administra-
tion of alcoholic
liquors." "
The object of
the movement
does not appear
from the words in which it is stated quite so clearly as the thinking
persons who may attach importance to it must desire. Do not, in
fact, most Doctors, as it is, treat diseases " apart from the ordinary
administration of alcoholic liquors ? " Are not all patients but those
labouring under diseases of debility, as a rule, enjoined by their
medical attendant to abstain, totally or comparatively, from wine,
beer, and spirits ? In hospitals, where this abstinence can always be
enforced, the treatment of diseases apart from the ordinary adminis-
tration of alcoholic liquors is especially usual. Do the enlightened
promoters of a movement for the establishment of a hospital, whereat
diseases shall be so treated still more especially, mean to say that, in
that new institution alcohol, in diseases in which it has hitherto been
wont to be ordinarily administered as a tonic or stimulant requisite
for their cure, shall not be given — and if so, why ? Because alcohol
is a poison? Then why stop at alcohol? Why not also proscribe,
instead of prescribing, opium, henbane, hemlock, deadly night-
shade, arsenic, and prussic acid ; and indeed — for what active medi-
cine is not a poison in an over-dose ?— nearly ..every article in the
Materia Medico f
Truly the great Two-Hundred-and-Fifty Against Alcohol, them-
selves even, leave some room for question as to their meaning when
they proclaim that "it is believed that the inconsiderate prescrip-
tion of large quantities of alcoholic liquids by Medical Men for their
patients has given rise, in many instances, to the formation of in-
temperate habits." Believed by, and of whom? By the Two-
Hundred-and-Fifty Doctors of their Profession at large, or by
Society in general of it, including them ? One would like to know
who the believers are, in order to be enabled to appraise the belief,
and it would also please one to be informed whether or no the belief
includes a confession, which the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty make for
themselves. Did you, gentle reader, in the course of your experi-
ence, ever happen to meet with a victim of the Bottle who dated his
intemperance from taking port wine or brandy, prescribed for him
when convalescent, for example, from typhus fever ?
(i One can indeed understand and appreciate the advice that
"alcohol, in whatever form, should be prescribed and administered
with as much care as any powerful drug," and peradventure this will
create another movement, a movement of a speculative nature, for
the manufacture of graduated physic glasses, of various sizes, to
replace the sherry, champagne, hock, and claret glasses now in use
t table : a minim-glass to be the new glass for liqueurs and brandy.
This practical improvement in Social Science may be shortly intro-
duced by some of our leading medical men at their own tables.
And when they exhibit alcohol, in whatever form, perhaps, in
future, they will always take care to combine it with something
very nauseous ; gin. for instance, with the most horrible of bitters.
This will effectually prevent the administration of alcohol from
originating the formation of intemperate habits.
Doubtless, on the whole, the Two-Hundred-and-Fifty have spoken
wisely ; but the echo of their speech in some quarters has sounded
like cackle, and the "movement," which their utterance has set on
foot among gregarious persons, very much resembles the march of
an analogous kind of birds, under leadership, across a common.
RURAL INTELLIGENCE.
SPLICINGHAM.
INTERESTING EVENT.— On Thursday the 25th inst. this pretty
little village was early astir, and thrown into a state of pleasurable
excitement, it being the nuptial morn of Miss SELINA SCNNI SMILE,
daughter of MR. SUNNISMILE, gardener and florist, with MR. ROBERT
GRUBBINS, pork-butcher, both of this parish. _ The parents of the
happy couple being held in high esteem, triumphal arches were
erected, decked with appropriate mottoes, and the front of the
bride's residence was festooned with early cauliflowers and other
floral ornaments which her father had purveyed. The choral service
terminated with the Wedding March of MENDELSSOHN, performed
on the harmonium by MR. JOSEPH THUMPER with his accustomed
skill. An elegant dejeuner, consisting of pork-pies, pickled herrings,
trotters, tripe, and wedding-cake, was then done ample justice to
by a select party of guests; the bride's health being drunk in
bumpers of champagne, expressly made for the occasion from her
father's famous gooseberries, which gained a prize last summer at
the exhibition of the Splicingham Pomological Society. After this
affecting ceremony, the happy pair departed, in a shower of old
slippers, on a trip to the metropolis, to spend their honeymoon.
WOBBLESWORTH.
LITEBABY ENTERTAINMENT. — The second of the series of Half-
penny Readings was held last Tuesday evening at the Literary
Institute, the REV. ME. MILDMAJT being voted to the Chair. It wiU
be noticed from the programme that something more than mere
amusement is the aim of these small gatherings ; and, as a means
towards the better education of the country, we need hardly say we
wish them all manner of success : —
. . Miss BROWN.
. MASTER JONES.
MRS. ROBINSON.
MR. SMITH.
REV. Z. SNOOKS.
MB. LABKER.
MASTER WIGGINS.
WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS.
REV. H. WALKER
MR. GHOWLER.
DR. BLOBBS.
MR. LARKKR.
WOBBLESWORTH WATIBLERS.
The company separated at the somewhat advanced hour of half-
past nine o'clock, after spending an enjoyable and instructive
evening.
DUFFERTON AND BLUNDERBURGH.
SPARROWSHOOTING EXTRAORDINARY. — The annual meeting of the
Dufferton and Blunderburgh Sparrow Club was held on Monday last
at the Goose and Gridiron, Dufferton, the President, MR. BOOBIE,
again occupying the chair. It appeared from the report that, during
the past twelvemonth, no fewer than 5937 sparrows had been slaugh-
tered by the honourable members of the club. Complaints had been
received of increasing devastation by fly, and slug, and caterpillar,
and it was said that this was owing to the great decrease of small
birds effected by the club. The Chairman, amid cheers, pooh-poohed
these allegations, and, after presenting a new powdernask to MR.
JONAH JOWLS, for having made the largest bag of small birds in the
twelvemonth, the Chairman humorously adjourned the meeting to
the supper-room, where mine host served up an elegant light supper,
the menu whereof consisted of sausages, black puddings, Welsh
rarebits, and pork-chops.
READING, "Old Mother Hubbard" . .
RECITATION, "Humpty Dumpty" .
SONO, " Twinkle, twinkle, little Star"
RECITAL (in costume), " Grilling a Grizly"
READING, " The Humours of Joe Miller"
"^^ her
COMIC
RECITAL, " My Name is Norval"
GLEE, " The Cock and Crow" . .
READING, " The Bandit's Bride " .
SONG, "I seek thee in every Shadow"
RECITAL, " The Haunted Eoltentot "
COMIC SONG, " Jolly Miss Jemima" .
CHORUS, "Hifol tie riddle ol"
SCIENCE GOSSIP.
PBOFESSOB AGASSIZ has discovered "a fish which builds a nest."
Wonders are only just beginning. Other Professors, envious of
AGASSK'S good fortune, will be stimulated to renewed study of the
Animal Kingdom ; and the result will be that at no distant day we
shall see the great Zoological collections, here and in America,
enriched by the addition of a glowworm which lives in a hive, a
tortoise which hops from bough to bough, an oviparous rabbit, and
a lobster whose diet consists exclusively of salad. The fable which
deluded our childhood may yet be realised, and pigeon's milk take
its place amongst the common articles of a free breakfast table.
FEBRUARY 3, 1872.]
TUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
NEW SCHOOL FOR NOBS.
TICHBORNE V. LUSHINGTON.
BOYLE'S Court Guide is, as all who dwell or have friends in the
Court District know, as accurate and emivenient a book of reference
as possible. No library table can be without this manual. It is
with great reluctance, therefore, that Mr. Punch, in the exercise of
stern duty, devotes the new volume of the Guide to the vengeance
of LORD CHIEF JUSTICE BOVILL. But respect for the Bench compels
Mr. Punch to offer this sacrifice. In the issue for January, 1 SV.>
on page 797, this may be read : —
"TICHBOHNB, 8w Boon* C. D., Sari., 10, Harley Head We«t, Brompton
8.W."
Now Mr. Punch appeals to the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, and to the
Universe to say whether the desire expressed by the former thai
there should be no comment on the Tichborne case, pendenlr. lift;
has not been scrupulously complied with. Dull as the season has
been, there has been no yielding to the temptation to make smart
articles out of the Australian Romance. Mr. Punch himself, who
is above all laws, has set the most noble example to his contempo-
raries, and even when he has borrowed an illustration from the big
boy who does not bring back £.5 each half is get down by ' the house ' as a
'duffer ' and as of ' no use.' In other words, he is under the cold shade of
his fellow-boarders, and is subject to constant and galling humiliation."
Very well. Let him be off, then. A first-class Public School is
no place for him any more than a first-class carriage. Let the
beggar who doesn't like it. leave it— go second or third class, and be
taught the three R's under FORSTER'S Education Act. But now
read what PAVIDUS has the insolence to say further : —
"It is not every lad that can bear lightly the gibes and jeers of the young
cotton lords whose home ethics teach them to measure the quality of a gentle-
man_by the amount of money be can spend. The result is inevitable. The
soc shop gives credit. A loan is soon and easily contracted, and the boy,
•martini? under the results of his comparative poverty, begins his career of
debt and deceit in order to hold his own among his more pecunious fellows."
MR. PAVIDUS, in his pride and poverty, seems very indignant at
the idea of wealthy young cotton lords treating poor young pedigree
lords with contempt. I dare say he is some poor nobleman's relation
HONOURABLE PAVIDUS, perhaps, or RIGHT HONOURABLE
e above sneer at cotton lords probably he
That is, I mean, he tried to, for it is a nose
it don t turn un by nature, I *m sure. I '11 be bound it 's one of
hook-noses which your bloated aristocrats are so vain
your jolly button-mushroom snub. I fancy I see
PAvrors— LORD PAVIDUS, perhaps— looking down upon myself 'and
IND Mr. Punch, a happy
change has come over the
character of our Public
Schools. The chief of them,
I have been told, of what
is called mediaeval founda-
tion, were originally in-
tended to educate the sons
of poor gentlemen. But
now, Sir, the purpose they
have come to' serve is just
the reverse of that. A cor-
respondent of the Mm- ii! ng
J'nst, signing himself PA-
vi n i •< evidently a mean,
shabby, needy sprig of gen-
tility, afraid, as his signa-
ture means, if I am not
misinformed, which, by
the tenor of his letter, he
plainly confesses himself
to be, of having to fork
out more than he is able —
writes to complain, for-
sooth, of " the growing
abuse of ' tips ' and pocket-
money allowance. This
contemptible indigent fel-
low says : —
" It is within my knowledge
that at one of the chief public . „„ „_ „„ „„, „„„.„„ „» v..,.,^.
schools— and I am told th.it the j latible with his being 'SlR"RoGEH"TlCH"BOR*rE7
same rule holds good at the
other school* of this class — a
.1, he has carefully avoided any expression of opinion as to tht
merits. But, in the Court Guide, the Claimant, or somebody else,
has inserted an entry which prejudges the case. The name and title
of SIR ROGER TICHBORNE are claimed as calmly as if the ownership
were as well established as that of the name and title of SIR WILLIAM
BOVILL, which appear in another page, or as Mr. Punch'* own
name and titie would be cited, but that it pleases him to occupy his
family mansion East of Temple Bar. This is Contempt of Court.
The Attorney-General has stated his belief that the Claimant is a
cunning and audacious conspirator, a perjurer, a forger, an impostor,
and a villain. He may be all these things, and not SIR ROGER
TICHBORNE. He may be none of these things, and be SIR ROGER
Tic ii BORNE. ^He^may be only so many of these things as are corn-
No person, except
PAVIDUS.
When he wrote the above
turned up his nose.
ft
those aquiline
of, none of your jolly
an advocate, has the least right to state an opinion until the jury
shall be finally locked up, and out of the way of being prejudiced.
Whoever took on himself to decide the case, by sending to the Court
Guide a statement that SIR ROGER TICHBORNE exists, and resides at
the above address, did that for which he should be called on to
answer at the bar of the Common Pleas. Roo-ey, too-ey, too-ey-
too-ey too !
LIQUOR LAWS SUPERSEDED.
MOUTHING, spouting, declamatory, meddlesome agitation for the
compulsory enforcement of total abstinence from invigorating, com-
forting, cheering, and restorative drinks on people to whom it would
be intolerable, is the very staff of life to the United Kingdom Alli-
Therefore it is taking the bread out of their mouths to enter
ance.
snithiiff at me, like a footman with too strong a bouquet in his
buttonhole. He and his, and such as they, had best keep them-
J68 t0 *heraselves- If our toy8 are too well-off at school for theirs,
and yet theirs are above being sent to regular pauper s
don t your Nobs and Swells get up poor's schools of their own, poor
gentlemen's schools, if they like to call them so P At such schools
the rule might be that no boy was to come from home to school with
more than hve shillings in his pocket, nor be allowed above sixpence
a week.
Dress and hoard could be cut down to the same plain, poverty-
stricken scale. Such regulations would keep the high-bred paupers
what they call select enough without any necessity, which they
that pride themselves so on their pronunciation might perhaps
imagine, for an entrance examination to try if |new-comers could
pronounce their h's. And so, poor nobility and gentry, being brought
up in that rrugal sort of way, would continue in it, because able to
aftord no better, and by-and-by, Ldare say, get to pride themselves
upon it, and make a merit and a boast of their despicable economy ;
so that plain living and dressing and eating and drinking will some
day perhaps be considered the particular tokens of high birth and
breeding, and ot class-distinction between PLANTAGENET MOWBRAT
t ITZ-MONTAGUE NORFOLK HOWARD and
OHODDY.
into combination for any purpose like that described by the Pott in
a paragraph announcing : —
" ANOTHER SOCIAL MOVEMENT. — The working-men of the West End have
set on foot a new social movement, the main object of which ia to enable them
to hold meetings with their trade and friendly societies away from public-
houses. A body of earnest working-men have been exerting themselves for
some months past to raise funds for the purpose of building a central hall, in
which the trade and friendly societies of Chelsea, Brompton, and Kensington
may meet, instead of at public-houses. There are upwards of seventy such
societies in the districts named."
If working-men generally take to courses like these, they will
very soon vindicate their order from the accusation of drunkenness
which Liquor LAWBON, DAWSON BURNS, and their followers, put
forward as a pretext for soliciting the whole people to let them-
selves be placed under restraint, like idiots or babies. The sober
and earnest working-men, drinking their beer in moderation, will
show themselvesfto be really the same flesh and blood with the gentle-
men who sip their claret soberly, and are so kind as to interest them-
selves in the promotion of schemes for withholding their poorer kind
from indulgence in " intoxicating liquors." But then the occupation
of the United Kingdom Alliance will be gone. That is to say, they
will be deprived of all excuse for vociferating, plotting, and con-
spiring to have the pleasure of regulating the habits of others.
Parental Present.
THOUGH we have thus far entered on January, the window of a
shop in Fleet Street still exhibits a card bearing the legend of
"Presents for Christmas." This appears amid a lot of walking-
sticks, where it is somewhat suggestive. Perhaps too many school-
boys generally come home for the holidays would receive the most
suitable Christmas-box a fond Father could present them with if he
were to give them the Stick.
[ Mrs. Punch. " Brute ! "]
48
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1872.
" HOUSEHOLD WORDS."
Young Person (on taking a Situation with Maiden Lady). " IN THE COURSE OF CONVERSATION, SHALL I ADDRESS YOU AS Miss OR
THE "PHANTOM BOARD."
(See MR. FsRiVo.v LVSHINOTOX'S evidence Irfw e the
Megcera Commission.)
A DAHKLING place, of shadowy space,
Keached by a silent stair ;
A skeleton clock, with a dusty face,
That marks time in the air,
To five grey ghosts, in blue and gold lace,
Each in ghost of a board-room chair.
Their red-tape is dust, their penknives are rust,
The ink in each standish is sere ;
Their ghost-quills glide betwixt margins wide
Of foolscap, that blanks appear ;
And their dead tongues' prose into dead ears goes,
And out at as dead an ear !
But on file and floor, and the tables o'er,
And in pigeon-holes well stored,
Are letters many, and papers more —
^ An ever-growing hoard !
No phantom of business, albeit before
My Lords of a Phantom Board !
So much work to be done, and, alive, hut one
To utter five phantoms' will !
The hours they run, but on LUSHINGTON;
The papers are pouring still —
And how record for a Phantom Board,
With a merely mortal quill ?
Those letters come by messengers dumb—
A hundred thousand a year —
To this room or that, for ghost-clerks to thumb,
And be opened, here and there :
Who registers ? None, all ; all, some :
Who minutes ? Ghost-hands in air.
So, registered or unregistered,
As haste or hap may be ;
Minuted or un-minuted,
As ghost, or none, may be free ;
The gathering letters have come to a head
That a Phantom Board can see !
Alive but one, — Lone LUSHINGTON
Among that ghostly five,
And all this business to be done —
Needs must when phantoms drive !
" Enough to sign," he sighs, " not mine
To read, and still survive."
And while he signs, and signs, and signs,
Its ghost of work upon,
In its red-tape toil the navy to coil,
The Phantom Board sits on :
Essay to seize, your grasp 'twill foil,
Looms, shadowy, and is gone !
Gone but to meet, in order neat,
As ghost-like as before,
In the navy blue, and cock'd hat a-slue,
That ancient DUNCAN wore,
The Phantom First Lord at the head of the Board,
And, below, the Phantom Four !
Their ghosts of orders they have sped,
Their ghosts of minutes they sign ;
But of ship ill-found, or fleet ill-led
The discredit all decline,
To the shrill " Not mine ! of their phantom-head,
Echoing their " Not mine."
JOHN BULL, outside, may groan and gride,
May fume and fret at will ;
If he deems live heads his navy guide,
H
H
w
q
3 H*"
2 O H-^
s. w -^
§• w ^J
8 g CO
**• ° /**\
? o O
r
x
I
»
<i
§
|
FEBRUARY 3, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
51
ITis sea-behests fulfil,
The works and the words of these Phantom Lords
No wonder he taketli ill.
For our ships we know how the sovereigns go.
Hard cash in hard hulls should end :
Why troop-ships are worked till they rotten grow,
\Vi> oannot comprehend ;
Nor why squalls that hlow about REID & Co.
To the bottom should Captains send.
Some day. I think, with a sneeze and a wink,
Shocked wide-awake again,
JOHN BULL will make froewith the Board-room key,
Grope his way to the door, and then,
Bound the Board-screen peep at the ghosts that keep
The seats of living men !
We wouldn't hold posts among those ghosts —
Nor of Sea, nor of Civil Lord —
That to build JOHN'S ships, and to guard JOHN'S
coasts,
Have borrowed his shield and sword :
If Ghosts can be kicked, kicked out of their posts
Will be the PHANTOM: BOARD !
plendid drawing of the Chorus's left leg, will carry conviction to
all who can reverence a conscientious manipulation of another of the
grand old trilogies of the Athenian stage.
The new metal, Fluozinium, is steadily making its way against
he current of scientific prejudice. It has been discovered in almost
imitless quantities in conjunction with tufa and haematite ; and
he most delicate persons may inhale its fumes with perfect safety.
!n specific gravity Fluozinium is superior both to nickel and cobalt ;
t will ignite nowhere but on the box, and not often there ; and for
>orosity, frangibility, and opalescence, no metal in our time has
ipproached it.
The Dryrot Society have at the present time two more volumes of
:inusual interest ready for their subscribers, who, it must be said,
regretfully, are much in arrear with their subscriptions. One is
,he Foundation Deeds, in abbreviated Latin, of the Monastery of
3t. Kilda, in Kincardincshire, dating as far back as the fourteenth
century; the other, a list of all persons holding in capite a caru-
;ate of land and upwards, who were in fief to the Crown in the
llorder Wars. A few copies will be struck off on large paper, and
sir on vellum.
LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.
Mas. LORIJTER STACTTWORTHY is bnsy with a new life of one of
our earliest Queens, BOADICEA, based on contemporary documents
and family papers, many of which are in cipher. The publishers,
(Spoui-E AND MFSSITT) will be glad to hear of an authentic portrait
of the subject of MRS. STACKWOUTHY'S interesting monograph.
The article, in the Pedantic Reriew, on " Pies and Puddings,"
which has caused snch a stir in literary and culinary circles, bears
strong internal evidence of the practised pen of PROFESSOR POE-
RINOKR. That on "Extraordinary Ebullitions," in the Impartitili»t,
is understood to emanate from DH. JULIUS TKK/EK.
JKWINI'S great classic Opera — La Vecchia Madre Ubardio — will
be revived next season at La Scala.
A new weekly periodical is announced. It will be printed, pub-
lished, edited, written, illustrated, stitched, and sold exclusively by
women, and the type, ink, and paper, will be supplied by manu-
facturers who employ none but temale artificers. Men will not be
allowed to interfere with this journal in any way, except as pur-
chasers. The title is Superior Wisdom.
SIGNOR /AFFKiiANO-CoLLiNA has resumed his (open air\ Organ
performances on Campden Hill. The Signer's n'pertoire has not
received any accession during the recess.
In the course of the ensuing season, MESSRS. BRANT? AND BOOKEH
will bring to the hammer the valuable Library formed by the late
JONATHAN BELL DIVKK, M.A., F.A.S., F.E.L.S. It is remarkably
rich in nursery rhymes, cookery books, gipsyana, and treatises on
dentistry and fireworks, and includes a unique series of privately
printed publications relating to the County of Rutland.
The result of more extended investigations goes to prove that the
Octopus will not attack man, except in defence of its religion.
MR. GRANBY FUSSFORTH: has completed his arrangements for the
delivery of a course of Six Lectures on " Winds and Windfalls,"
in the North of London. He will afterwards make a tour through
Lambeth, Surrey, Southwark, and the Tower Hamlets, and will
probably conclude his labours in the Old Kent Road.
Telegrams from Trebizond say that MADAME CORALIA VOLANTI
has created a perfect furore there, by her extraordinary perform-
ances on the high rope.
Bertha's Slack Sox is the title of a new Serial Story, by a popular
and prolific writer, to be commenced in an early number of Alsatia.
It will be illustrated by BANNOCKS.
MR. WYCHERLET BIBB has a farcical comedy in preparation which
will be produced at the " Sheridan" in the course of the season.
The plot turns on one of the principal characters mistaking a private
mansion for an hotel. FACEY SMILES has a wonderful part in it.
MR. SALVATOH ROSE, R.A., is working' hard to get all his pictures
ready for the forthcoming Royal Academy Exhibition. Perhaps,
the most striking is a scene from SMITH'S Classical Dictionary, in
which AHAMEMNON is represented as blowing a kiss, across the
Prytaneum, to CLYTEMNF.STRA, who is pacing the Bema, in the
absence of her guardian on a secret expedition. jEoisrnus appears
in the background, detained by some law business, and the Chorus
is endeavouring to convince him that he is in the wrong. This
powerful painting, with its subtle nuances, its harmonious play a.
light and shade, its truthful rendering of the Piraeus, and thi
THE SPEAKER-ELECT.
ii K details supplied by the
newspapers give but an
inadequate idea of the
interesting rites and
ceremonies which cluster
round the election of a
new SPEAKER, and have
been observed, with un-
deviating fidelity, since
those early times, when the
original SPEAKER received
the sanction of his Sove-
reign under the shade of
the " Parliament Oak " in
"Merry Sherwood."
From the first moment
that he gets a post-card
informing him he is to be
proposed to the House for
the vacant Chair, _the
SpKAKER-designate gives
up the sports of the field,
dinner company, and all
other pleasures and amuse-
ments, and devotes him-
self, night and day, to the perusal of the journals of the House of
Commons, the investigation of the Standing Orders, and the study
of the Constitutional History of England, Parliamentary precedents
and privileges, and the Biographies of his predecessors.
He reads a fixed portion of Hansard every morning and evening.
He sees no one but the Clerk of the House and his Assistants,
who call to give him daily private tuition.
He forms a collection of the photographs of all the Members, that
his recognition of them may be immediate and unerring.
During the week before the meeting of Parliament he visits all his
old haunts for the last time, and takes leave of his friends, with
whom, of course; as First Commoner, he can never again mix on the
same familiar terms.
The day before bis election he has his hair cut.
On the eve of the great event he retires to rest early, and on the
morning of the most momentous day in his life he rises with the
first streak of dawn in the east, and paces to and fro on Consti-
tution Hill, to collect his thoughts and prepare his speech.
The Sergeant-at-Arms conveys him, attired in a full Court suit
to Westminster, in a close carnage, with the blinds drawn down,
and remains with him in a vault in the Victoria Tower, where
he is provided with the daily papers, writing materials, and refresh-
ments, until his proposer and seconder arrive to conduct him into
the House. (There is a large looking-glass in the vault, before which
he tries on his wig and gown, with the experienced aid of the
Sergeant.)
" The' subsequent proceedings are pretty much as the papers' have
described them, except that the Proposer and Seconder wear nose-
gays, and carry halberds; and that the SPKAICER stands up before he
takes his seat m the chair, which is draped with the Union Jack,
brandishes the Mace (decked with ribbons for the occasion) three
times round his head, and in a loud voice, and in Norman French,
invites the whole of the officers of the House to dine with him that
evening at the Albion at seven.
52
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1872.
JOLLY WET.
HOORAY ! It rains, it pelts, it pours,
At work I shall be free from bores,
Who call and stay. The storm that roars,
The wet, will keep them all in-doors.
I 've but to dread the Postman's knock,
A sharp but momentary shock,
1 '11 hope that it may bring no worse,
Than some attempt upon my purse.
Prospectus, Circular, or Puff,
Into the fire just won't I stuff,
And smile, as to myself I say,
" That postage-stamp is thrown away ! "
INQUESTS QUITE UNNECESSARY.
ON Thursday last week, at a meeting of the Middle-
sex Magistrates : —
"A communication was received from the guardians of the
poor of the parish of St. Pancras, stating that there was an in-
crease in the number of inquests held upon the bodies of persons
dying in the workhouse, and that a majority of them were un-
necessary; but the guardians were powerless to prevent such
inquests being held, and were of opinion that if the fees receiv-
able by the medical officers of the workhouses in the metropolis
were abolished, a number of such inquests would no longer be
held."
The insinuation against the metropolitan Poor-Law
medical officers of a charge of obtaining fees under false
pretences, does credit to the shopkeepers in limited lines
| of business out of whose inner self-consciousness it
sprang. Of course the inquests held upon many of the
paupers who have died in the St. Pancras Workhouse
have been unnecessary. There, not very much more par-
. ticularly than in other workhouses, can the majority of
paupers be supposed to perish from special neglect.
Most of them, no doubt, die of mere misery.
INTERESTING DEVOTEES.
Theresa. " No, CHARLES — NEVER ! I HAVE LONG DETERMINED TO DEVOTE
MY LIFE TO CHARITY; IN FACT, TO BECOME A SISTER IN AN ANGLICAN
NDNKERY."
Charles. " WELL, IF YOU DO, I'LL BURY MYSBLF FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE
DAYS IN A— IN A— A MONKERY !"
Victoria and Hahnemann.
" The QUEEN has been pleased to send a present of game for
the patients of the Hospital for Consumption, Brompton."
Similia similibm. HER MAJESTY treats, by promoting
consumption. But the First of Lady Doctors does not
" exhibit" infinitesimal doses. Truly Royal practice of
homeopathy.
THE SOUTH KENSINGTON BAZAAR.
MR. PUNCH has seldom been more disgusted— and that is saying
a good deal in these days— than by the low, sordid, Philistine,
anticosmopolitan agitation on the subject of the International
Exhibitions.
He will endeavour to express himself calmly on the topic, but
gives no pledge that he will not be induced to use strong language.
British manufacturers and vendors complain (he hates people that
complain of anything) that the Foreigner is unduly and unjustly
favoured by the directors of these Exhibitions. " Foreigner ! " At
the outset, that word is in itself offensive. All mankind are Brothers
more or less. But let that pass.
The Foreigner is allowed to bring to South Kensington whatever
wares he pleases,' and to exhibit them to the best advantage at hand-
some stalls, for which he pays no rent. To the Exhibition the
British public is invited by every official blandishment— fete, flower-
show, and music are among the attractions— and for several months
the very best and most opulent portion of society is thus brought to
be tempted by the Foreigner's productions.
1 urthormore, the Foreigner is allowed to deprive the Exhibition
of its character as an Exhibition, and to make it a shop. For
SJWiffi. anythm» which he has brought over (whether it be
part of his show, or any other article which it has occurred to him
likely to be acceptable), and the purchaser may take it away at
once. Thu is coarsely described as entirely departing from the
:ory that it was by the display and comparison of wares that the
iterests of Art were to be promoted. It is irreverently urged
that the accomplished Prince who originally devised those Exhi-
ations would never have sanctioned their being converted into
shops and Bazaars.
The British manufacturers and vendors condescend to urge that
"U8 " not Pving them fair play, that the Foreigner is helped in
every way to sell his goods, and that the Briton who pays rent for
his own shop, and heavy taxes for the support of the State, is ren-
dered all the less able to do so, by reason that custom is drawn away
from him in favour of those who pay neither rent nor taxes.
Mr. Punch regrets to find that Leading Men of business take
these narrow views, and that the representatives of some of the most
eminent firms in England have met under the auspices of the LORD
MAYOR, also a man of business, to assert that the system is unjust.
It may be thought that when such men deliberately pretest against
anything, they may be supposed to have good reasons for their
protest. But this is a commonplace way of thinking.
Let us try and rise above mere material views, and let the holy
and genial rays of the sun of cosmopolitanism warm up our insular
hearts. All mankind are Brothers, as has been already observed, and
who would grudge his brother anything ? Why should the British
person be considered in the matter ? Talk of his paying taxes— well,
he does not like to pay them— and if he is ruined, he will not be called
upon to pay them any more. That is a detail beneath contempt.
What Mr. Punch is so ashamed of. is the chill and callous British
nature, which refuses to recognise the holiness of universal philan-
thropy, and clings to old-fashioned ideas of a man's duty to his own
family and his own nation. The Englishman who could see in the
prosperity of the Rue de Rivoli no compensation' for the ruin of
Regent Street, is so low in the scale of civilisation that we blush to
call him countryman.
Mr. Punch has no such sordid feelings, and his noble heart will
leap with generous joy to behold the wealthy pouring out their gold
on the counter or at the stall of his Foreign Brothers at South Ken-
sington, and if his British Brother is, as he thinks, unfairly used
and impoverished, let him find consolation in the thought that we
are all the same " flesh and blood." Let him mention this to MR.
LOWE'S tax-collector, and it is certain that the latter will, like
STERNE'S angel, drop a gentle tear on the charge he was going to
make, and blot it out for ever.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PLEASURES OF HUNTING BY RAIL.
JONES'S NEW HORSE-FIVE MINUTE3 BEFORE THE TRAIN STAETS^
PAST AND PRESENT OBSTRUCTION.
WHERE now are the Parsons, with too high a hand
Who whilom were wont things to carry t
The sole Clergy known to the Law of the l,ana,
"With charter to hury and marry.
Whose Pluralists lazily fattened, like swine ;
Their rubicund joles bloomed like roses :
They were used so to soak themselves full of port- wine,
That it purpled their overgrown noses.
0 where and 0 where are those proud Parsons gone ?
0 where and O where shall we find them.
With the waistcoat so full, and the shovel-hat on,
As our limners in their days designed them (
A sinecure mostly the cure of the souls
To which for attention not giving
They never feared being called over the coals,
They showed forth their fruits of good living.
To the Church they were stanch ; they .held on with a kind
Of a power like horseleeches' of suction,
Intolerant, bigoted, narrow, and blind,
They but lived to persist in obstruction.
They evermore voted for absolute rule,
For coercion, restraint, and repression,
And exclusion, by tests, from each College and School,
They opposed every kind of concession.
Those Parsons of old are no longer seen here ;
Now no more do they hamper this nation.
They are all gone the way of HERE BREiTMAiof his beer ,
They have ceased to obstruct education.
The Church has grown broad, throwing open each door,
Which, the bigot except, each one enters,
And we now, in the place of the Parsons of yore,
Behold cross-grained and jealous Dissenters.
Corporations, Cocked Hats, Town UMW, OUTK
Townsmen and other Activities would kindly allow him --,.--
e™e7he flood of Conventional Congratulation is turned on. Migh
£ ask to be allowed the quiet and peace permitted to other conya
esc^nts ? Would Addressers deign to remember that though he is
rince, " a man 's a man for a' that A. E.
Sandringham. RESPECT THIS ! ***£$ g^
A CARD.
H R. H. THE PRUfCB OF WALES would oonvev, through his frie nd,
Mr Punch warmest thanks to all his loyal and loving, fellow-
ublects for their sympathy, earnest interest, and kind inquiries In
ue time H R!Hyhopesyto make public acknowledgment of the
ational feeling which lias been so nobly testified.
f- advice of his friend above mentioned .H R. H
Portsmouth or Brighton.
SHALL the Easter Monday Volunteer Review be holden at
or Portsmouth ? This question may have been decided i
Brighton by the Sovereign, or by the Shilling, which would hav
done equally well, to determine the choice by a toss-up ; and ""/"den
for that, inLed. would have been " skying a copper/' BrWrtottfcM
downs adapted for the field of military manoeuvres, but so has Po
mouth ; and as to either place, whether you regard the neighbour-
hood or^ the inhabitants, it is hard to say which is the more downy.
No Mistake in the Name.
As "AThankoffering from India," a contemporary
that on account of the recovery of the PRINCE 01 -
charitable donation of £200 ha. been sent to London ^ ^K. to ™
JEE JEHASOIEE REABTMOITET. Anybody would have
REABYVorar credit for having earned nis name,
body must see that he well deserves ifc*«*
Parsee f At any rate, he is the reverse of
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 3, 1872.
EDUCATIONAL EPIGEAMS.
ABOUT the Three R's views unite
As voices blend in song.
For the Fourth It, what some hold right,
That all folk else deem wrong.
Of those Fourth R's as yet while none
The right H proved can be.
To teach them all, therein where one,
Why can't good folk agree ?
it.
Milk is for babes, wrote one that knew.
Sectarian Educators, you
Who dogmas teach which Doctors question,
Are you not giving babes strong meat,
So much too tough for them to eat.
The upshot must be indigestion ?
THE CONNOISSEURS.
Groom. "WHBW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST — THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWKD o'
OR THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE Ho's' ? "
Keeper (critically). "WELL, o' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT TUKRE
o' WUM'OOIW'S DON'T FAKE 10 MB TO TASTE o' NAWTHCN AT ALL. Now THIS
'ERE DEW TASTK o' THE CASK ! ! "
AN OBJECT OF SYMPATHY.
CAN a man murder his wife ? The point seems doubt-
ful, to judge by the common experience of the Courts,
and the general tone of public opinion, when a charge
for this questionable oifence is under consideration or
comment. On the whole, it would seem to be desirable
that we should cease to use the term " Murder" of Wife-
killing, and create a special term for that offence — if
offence it can be called. May we suggest either " Wife-
icide," or " Spqusi-cide," or " Uxori-cide " ? It would
be the correlative, in cases of feminine life-taking, of
"justifiable homicide " in the case of male.
It was very touching to observe the general expression
of newspaper sympathy with an individual lately con-
victed for having pushed a little too far, perhaps, the
natural feeling of exasperation and impatience with a
wife who may safely bo assumed to have been a very
aggravating person. " Poor monomaniac," " unfor-
tunate gentleman," and so forth, are terms which
testify to the natural tenderness of the public feeling
towards one who is subjected to such painful conse-
quences for so venial an act of temporary irritation.
We are glad to see that this touching and well-directed
sympathy is confined to this unfortunate victim of a
rash impulse. As for the woman who provoked him, we
observe only a considerate silence, or the expression of a
feeling equivalent to the well-known Cornish verdict—
"Sarved her right."
NEWS FROM NAPLES.
MR. PUNCH received a letter stating that in the writer's opinion it
might interest Mr. P.'s readers to know the state of the weather in
Naples. If there be one thing in the world nobody out of Naples
cares one farthing about, Mr. Punch supposes that thing to be
mentioned above. But, respice finem. On examining the report
enclosed by his Correspondent, Air. Punch discovers that the subject
is very interesting indeed. Here is the faithful reprint of an
official document supplied to the Naples Obserrer. Emphatically
we call the weather in question queer weather. We omit barometers
and thermometers, and all that stuff.
STATE OF THE WEATHER is NAPLBS FBOM THE 6m TO THE
12TH JAX. 1872.
DATE.
OBSERVATIONS.
Jan.
6
7
8
Ruin and p. m
Rain right Clouded day.
H:tin rig At off on day.
9
10
Heag rain thurdestorm rain d.
Heag rain swig right.
11
Clouded day.
12
BrigAth day.
Spiritualism for Sailors.
MB. VEKNO.V LUSRINGTON, Permanent Secretary to the Admiralty,
speaking of that body of naval administrators, doubtless, with
knowledge and in sincerity, calls it a "Phantom Board." A Board
of Phantoms may be said to be a Board of Ghosts, and such a Board
of Admiralty sending British seamen afloat in rotten Mcgm-as, is a
Board of Uhosts with power to add to their number.
A MODEST DEMAND.
THE season might be milder— it could hardly be more malevolent.
But here is mildness : —
A WIDOWER (f midd'e ag>, of qui'* and regul.r habiis, who has
three children at boarding school, desires a HOME in the house of an
independent Christian widow or single lady, whose object in letting apart-
ments is chiefly society, who would accept merely nominal terms, and where
he would be the only lodger. Nice house and servant desirable. — Address,
with every particular, &o., &c.
What a charming person must this advertiser be, if we may judge
from the high value which he sets on his society ! No doubt he has
been deluged with replies to his advertisement. What independent
lady could possibly decline to offer him the home which he so modestly
demands, and to sacrifice her independence by accepting him as
lodger, first, and finally as lord, as soon as he inclined to offer her
his heart? "Beware of widows, Sammy.'" said the elder Mr.
Welter. Beware of widowers, ladies ! adds the wiser Mr. Punch.
The Weather and the Paths.
FOUL weather ! Come on, my Macintosh
And my Boots ; we '11 never mind it,
While the rain the face of the Earth doth
Though the dirtier still we find it.
Freshwomen of the Future.
IT is proposed to transfer the Ladies' College to Cambridge. This
addition, if made, to Alma Mater will, in case of future contro-
versy between disorderly undergraduates and other inhabitants, be
obviously an advantage over Town in favour of Gown. For even
the Graduates and Dons of the gentler sex will all be Gownswomen.
FJSBRUARY 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I
•
i
HI
9
. - '. T
" BREAKING THE ICE."
Gentleman (to Pensive Neighbour during the Quarter of an Hour be/ore Din ner). ' ' Miss
SON, YOU LOOK SAD. PgRHAPS YOU 'KB TlRBDj"
Lady. " 0 No, THANK YOU."
Gentleman. " Oa UNWELL!"
Lady. "O DEAR, No I"
Gentleman (in desperation). " TH«N— YOU MUST BE HtWOSY I"
SOLDIERS OR SUPERNUMERARIES?
T IIK tote SIR Jon.v BCKOOYNE, in a re-
cently published letter, expressed his
opinion that the Volunteers are a patriotic
force, deserving great credit and encourage-
ment," for the reason that " they may be
of immense value among the measures for
the military protection of the country."
When, however, the illustrious Field-
Marshal, of whom all that was mortal now
rests in St. Peter - ad -Vincula, said the
Volunteers might be of immense value,
he hardly spoke in measured terms. For,
>]>< along within bounds, he went on to
sny that "the service demanded of them
should" from the nature of their case,
" be of the simplest nature," and defined
those services to be garrison-duty, and
titfhting behind fortifications.
The I'ust collates this appraisement of
the Volunteers with NAPOLEON'S saying
that he wanted " soldiers" in the field, but
that "men" would suffice for the simple
service to which SIR JOHN BUROOYNE
limited the use of Volunteers. Well, but
if the Volunteers are no better than " men,
mortal men" (as another SIH JOHN than
that one described his regiment) and
" food for powder," what of another branch
of the British land forces, on which we
have been led to place reliance ; namely,
the Militia? Are those gallant fellows
better instructed, better drilled, and more
intelligent than the other ; are they equally
with them able to "fill a pit as well as
better," and may we venture to trust that
one pit which they are capable of filling
is a rifle-pit ?
ANATOMY EXTBAOBDINAHY.
MBS. MALAPBOP says she was once bled
in the same place as ROGER TICHBOBNE—
in the temporary artery.
BILL AND BUDGET.
NEVER mind though in two hundred millions, or more,
We be cast by perverse arbitration,
For "the People will have to pay none of the score ;
'Twill be all raised by partial taxation.
0 ve million, those millions will touch none of you,
That of Income-tax pay not a penny :
To discharge Alabama claims fear not the screw
Will be put on " the Masses " and " Many."
All alone had the Income-tax payers to pay
Abyssinian war's total expenses ;
And the honour they have, by themselves, to defray
Those incurred for the nation's defences.
Upon you, should our suit at Geneva be lost,
The untoward result of that action
Can no burden entail ; they, whatever the cost,
Are doomed solely to make satisfaction.
Very likely 'twere cheaper at once to risk fight
Than to venture a ruinous payment,
Which would serve but to arm the unquenchable spite
Of the cunning, unscrupulous claimant.
For we fools having paid those 'cute Yankees in full
An indemnity heavy as France 's,
A fresh quarrel they 'd pick, and to war with JOHN BULL,
Go supplied by himself with finances.
We put down Ireland's Protestant Church ; for Home Rule
Get a howl, of thanks Paddy's expression.
And what Statesman that 's honest, not beiag a fool,
Ever hoped more from that large concession ?
He who thinks to conciliate serpents, mistakes,
When with malice and envy they re frantic :
Deadly vengeance alone will sate such as some snakes
On this side, and beyond, the Atlantic.
When we 've hundreds of millions spent war to ayert,
And more millions in war spent thereafter,
Forced to fight after all, having had to eat dirt,
Sight of scorn to the world— food for laughter,
StilT the People may sing ; the derisive contempt
Of mankind they 'llput up with like sages :
From war charges to Yankee Bill added, exempt —
They can lose but their work and their wagei.
NONCONFORMITY TO ANYTHING.
THE generality of persons consider that any religion is better than
none; out those Dissenters who have now changed their old
demand for " unsectarian " to a demand for _" secular " education
appear to be very much, on the contrary, of opinion that no religion
is better than any religion, unless it be their own. But how much
of any religion have those allies of educational secularists got .-
Nonconformists in general are commonly called " Religious Dis-
senters ; " but those Nonconformists in particular seem to be more
accurately desoribable as " Irreligious Dissenter*." Their Dissent
would seem to be Dissent toto ccelo. Those particular Dissenters can
hardly include in their number any who are not altogether the
reverse of Particular Baptists.
" CIVILISATION AT ST. PAUL'S."
THIS was the startling heading of an article which appeared a
few days ago in the Times. What could it mean ? men asked.
What traces of lingering barbarism had been detected and effaced
within the walls of the national Cathedral ? Some readers surmised
that the fees had been abolished ; others asserted that the monu-
ments were never again to be allowed to get dusty and dirty : while
a few were sanguine enough to hope that the Corporation of London
and the wealthy City Companies had undertaken the restoration and
decoration of St. Paul's at tkeir own expense. After all, it was found
that nothing more was meant than the delivery, by the Dean, of the
last of a series of lectures on " Civilisation " in the Cathedral.
VOL. LIU.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1872.
THE UNCLE.
(An Unfit, stung by remorse, imparts terrible confidences tn his
fin-fin rili- Xipln'ic, ir/ium, however, he subsequently binds to
sfcrefi/. *.* The breaks in the fragment indicate where the
f'nc/e is struggling with his feelings.)
on E hither, boy ! Come hither !
Have no fear
Of what thine Uncle murmurs in thine ear.
Thou art my Nephew !
I shall know no rest
Until my deeds of horror stand confest
In open daylight.
Dost thou love me, child ?
I know thou dost : For have I not beguiled
Thy leisure hours ? Hath not my half-crown
Ofttimes unlocked for thee the joys of town 'i
Stand where thou art, and let thy hoop unroll'd
Remain till all I have to tell be told.
0 Boy !
I loved thy mother ! — She, another !
Not me ! — that other was my younger brother !
0 beating heart, be still ! down throbbing pulse !
(He resumes, after an instant's conflict.)
We had a house upon the hill of Tulse,
Within a breath of fiercely seething town ;
Who sought our roof, went up ; who left, went down.
'Twas ever thus. Thy father came and went.
1 followed him, with murderous intent.
I was his shadow — nightly-^-day by day —
Ay ! — year by year I saw him waste away.
A subtle poison mingled with his blood.
Yet was I what the world esteemed as good ;
But loathsome all within.
Nay, do not fear —
To thee I 'm harmless as the love-sick deer,
Or as the Monarch of the Beasts, who gave
His thorn-pierced paw and fawned upon the Slave.
*****
I killed thy mother, Boy !
Thy father too 1
Thy brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, who
Came in my way. But none I slew for hate,
And none for greed. I dealt the stroke of fate.
Of all our much-loved kindred we alone
Are left— you, Boy, and I ! Shall I atone
For the irrevocable past, and be
Thy slayer, Boy ?
Nay, Nephew, fear not me.
Spurn not thine Uncle !
Ah ! adown thy cheek
I he pitying tear-drop doth forgiveness speak.
Go to the meadows, ply thy hoop and ball,
Hark !
'Tis the Colney Vesper bell doth call
Thine Uncle to the Hatch. So, ooy, farewell !
What I have told thee— prithee do not tell.'
[The Uncle disappears beneath the Hatch, and the boy continues
his way thoughtfully.
End of Fragment.
TOO MUCH ZEAL.
TIIK other day there appeared a letter in the Times which the
political world should not willingly let die. In type which •will
keep this document from tilling excessive space with matter-of-fact
detail, here it is : —
"MR. LOWE AND VICTORIA. PARK.
" To the Editor of the Times.
" SIB, — The principals of this department having informed me that they
consider that my letter to the Times, published on the 18th inst., under the
above heading, and signed by me in my capacity of Honorary Secretary of the
Victoria Park Preservation Society, was entirely inconsistent with that respect
and becoming behaviour which are due by all Civil servants of the Crown to
their official superiors, I have to state that I had no intention of giving offence
to Her Majesty's CHANCELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER. I beg, therefore, to
express my sorrow for having used the expressions contained in my letter,
and I hereby withdraw the same.
" I remain, Sir, your obedient Servant,
" Her Majesty' s Customs, Jan. 30. "FRANCIS GEORGE HEATH."
Thus we see that it will not do for any subordinate Civil Servant
to criticise, even in the delegated capacity of a Secretary to an Asso-
ciation, the public conduct of a Member of the Government. If he
venture upon so near an approach to petty treason, his superiors are
straightway down upon him with an admonition, the consequence of
which is that he loses no time in eating the words which have flowed
from his pen. What would have happened to MB. FRANCIS GEORGE
HEATH had he failed to attend to the suggestion which he received
from the principals of his department ? What if he had omitted to
regale himself on the meal or mess of statement which he had been
the instrument of making in reference to ME. LOWE ? Is it possible
that, in reparation to the Author of Budgets, the Custom-House
Clerk would have been presented with the Sack ? Would his refusal
to feast on " matter in the wrong place " have been as much as his
place was worth ?
The agitation for the rescue of Victoria Park, Epping Forest, the
New Forest, and other Crown Lands, from sale and enclosure, is no
doubt extremely annoying and vexatious to a Minister and a Gov-
ernment who, with a single eye to economy, would like to see all
your now wooded or open spaces crowded with dwelling-houses,
shops, and factories, and to behold groves of tall chimneys substi-
tuted for groves of trees. But those Right Honourable Gentlemen,
the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER and his colleagues, are, even
if not too Liberal, too magnanimous, to be capable 01 any mandate
of which, primarily, the retractation above-quoted can have been
the result. No ; it has, of course been purely the officious work of
the principals of MR. HEATH'S department ; his immediately superior
servants, subordinate to the Queen's Head Servants, and at present
out of livery.
An Easy Riddle.
WHAT Parliamentary Elections are those which are always con-
ducted apart from the Public-house ? The elections for the Univer-
sities of Oxford and Cambridge, and the Election of the SPEAKER.
FEBRUARY 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HOME RULE.
(A WILD DKAME OF THE FUTURE, BEDAD !j
[Committet of the Wholt Route.
PARLIAMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.
(New Session.)
STANDING ORDERS.
THE House of Lords shall meet at fire, and adjourn not later
than 5 '40 P.M.
Two Peers (exclusive of the LORD CHANCELLOR and the Junior
Bishop) shall form a quorum.
Robes and Coronets are not obligatory, and it shall be optional for
those Peers who are entitled to wear badges of knighthood, to dis-
play their stars and ribbons, or not, as they please. Overcoats,
waterproofs, and comforters ; umbrellas, walking-sticks, and riding-
whips, may be brought into the House, but not breechloaders, fishing-
rods, or cricket-bats. No dogs will be admitted.
Any Peer wishing to go to sleep while the House is sitting may do
so on obtaining the consent of the LORD CHANCELLOR. Leave will
not be given to more than three Peers at a time. Any Peer snoring
will be awakened by the Usher of the Black Bad, and on a repe-
tition of the offence removed by that officer from the House.
Smoking will not be allowed near the Woolsack.
Peers may obtain credit in the Refreshment Rooms to an amount
not exceeding one pound. This privilege will not be extended to
Bankrupt Peers.
Bills sent up by the Lower House will be received with distrust
and suspicion by the Upper House ; and the greater the majority by
which they were passed by the Commons, the greater the opposition
they will encounter from the Lords.
lo prevent hasty and unwise legislation, popular measures which
have obtained the prompt and decided assent of the Commons, must
be rejected at least three times before they are passed by the Lords.
Peers under the age of thirty will in future be required to attend
lectures on Modern History, Political Economy, the Laws of England,
Geography, and Elocution, and to pass an examination in these sub-
jects (to be ^conducted by the Civil Service Commissioners) before
they can be allowed to take their seats.
With the exception of certain Members of the House of Commons,
whose names may be ascertained on application to the SPEAK KK, no
Member shall address the House for more than half an hour.
With the exception of certain Members, a list of whose names may
be obtained from the Clerk at the Table (price sixpence), any
Member may address the House as often as he pleases during the
Session.
No Member shall speak against time, or his own convictions.
No Member shall come down to the House with his mind made up
as to how he shall vote, but he shall listen attentively to the argu-
ments and facts adduced in debate, and be influenced by them and
them alone as to the part he shall take in the Division.
No money shall in future be voted in a House consisting of less
than a hundred Members.
Members presenting Petitions shall be required to make a declara-
tion that they have read them through, that they are grammatically
expressed, and that the signatures appear to be genuine and
respectable.
A Book shall be kept, to be called the " Quotation Book," in which
Members shall enter, at least twenty-four hours beforehand, any
passages from ancient or modern authors which they may wish to
introduce into their speeches; and no Member shall be permitted to
make any quotation in the House against which a protest has been
recorded, in the above-mentioned Book, under the hands of three or
more Knights of Shires.
Stationery shall be continued to be supplied to Members, but they
are recommended to be careful and economical in its consumption,
the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER and the Controller of the
Stationery Office having it under consideration to charge each
Member a fixed sessional sum for paper and envelopes, and the use
of ink-stands and blotting-cases.
To facilitate business, the House, on receiving an intimation
through the SPEAKER that it is the wish of a Member that a
speech which he had prepared should be taken as made, will sane-
58
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 10, 1872.
tion such a valuable saving of time and patience ; with the under-
standing that the Member shall be at liberty to supply the public
IID •.-.« with a copy of the speech for publication to his country and
constituents.
From the day that the Ballot becomes law all Divisions in the
House shall be taken bv this method of voting.
No talking will be allowed in the Ladies' Gallery.
PARLIAMENTARY NOTICES.
MR. AVIIALLEY. To obtain leave to bring in a Bill to establish
direct diplomatic relations with the POPE OF ROME.
MR. WATITEY. To obtain leave to bring in a Bill to limit the
number of public-houses in England and Wales.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON. To move for a Commission to inquire
into the expediency of abolishing all customs, duties, and imposts
now levied on brandy, rum, gin, and other alcoholic liquors.
Sin CHARLES DILKE. To transfer to the Consolidated Fund all
charges for the maintenance and support of the Royal Household.
MR. Mi ALL. To move for leave to bring in a Bill for the esta-
blishment of a Central Educational Board, to consist of the Arch-
bishops and Bishops of the Church of England, the Heads of Colleges
in the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge, the MARQUIS or
SVUSIIURY, MR. BERESFORD HOPE, ARCHDEACON DENISON, DR.
. the President of the Wesleyan Conference, the REV. C. H.
SPURGEON, MR. GEORGE DIXON, MR. SAMUEL MORLEY, and Mu.
MIALL.
MAJOR ANSON. To move an Address to the Crown, praying that
a Royal Warrant may be issued, abolishing all Honorary Colonel-
cies.
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHBQUBR. In Committee, to move a
resolution to the effect that 10 per cent, be added to the salaries of
all persons in Government employment.
ME. GLADSTONE. That it be an instruction to the Civil Service
Commissioners to examine all future Under-Secretaries of State,
Junior Lords of the Treasury, and Junior Lords of the Admiralty,
and to report to the Treasury on their fitness for employment before
they are allowed to take office,
MR. AYRTOIT. Bill to empower the First Commissioner of Worl«
and Buildings to negotiate with the Metropolitan Board of Works
for the transfer of all the Public Statues in the streets of London to
Hampstead Heath.
ALDERMAN LAWRENCE. Bill for the Reform of the Corporation of
London.
OUR ADMIEABLE RESERVE.
As to the decencies of journalism, in the special point of reticence
with respect to pending trials, we certainly are not as those Ameri-
cans are. The Claimant's case, if proceeding in America, would
have been discussed and prejudged in Yankee newspapers over and
over again. Fear of commitment for contempt of Court being before
the eyes of our Editors, withholds them from daring to publish re-
marks on a case pendente lite such as are heard in every company,
and nobody scruples to make across a table. The ability to say such
things with impunity must rather tend to lessen the great advantage
of enforcing reticence on journalists. The jurymen engaged on
Tichborne v. Luahington can hardly have gone anywhere since
that suit began and not have heard it canvassed without reserve.
Nothing they could have read in a newspaper, probably, could have
given them the slightest additional bias. They must have heard
plenty of observations as likely as any they could have read to affect
their judgment otherwise than the plain statements and unimpas-
sioned arguments of counsel can. This is a very great pity. The
licence of private conversation must render the reticence of the
Press almost of none effect. Ought not, therefore, everyone who
speaks, as well as the person who prints, a word for or against a
plaintiff or defendant, be liable to be committed for contempt of
Court, too ? Or would it be a better plan to keep the Jury looked
up from communication with the outer world, perhaps, as in the
Tichborne trial they would have had to be already, for above half-a-
year at a stretch. If this incarceration of the Jury is of any use at
all in a case of felony which concerns nobody, or very few, out of
Court, it would be immensely more useful in an action involving
enormous interests. Only, as we always say, in commending this
wise precaution, when you lock up the Jury, lock up also the
Judge.
Accommodation for the Army.
MR. SHEKELS savs that he foresees one great disadvantage which
must result from fixing the educational test for commissions in the
Army too high, loung Officers have always heretofore got the
greatest credit, and now in future they won't want any.
GIANTS IN THE WAY.
(Introit Sessio 1872.)
THE fight draws near— the hour is here,
The silk to doff, the steel to don ;
Breathing the breath of strife to death,
Set stiffly his high horse upon,
Against the giants in his path,
Grimly Childe GLADSTONE rideth on !
The Passage Perilous before.
The Passage Dolorous behind —
'Tis hard to say which survey more
Might lame his lance, or move his mind —
Thought of the year that dogs his rear,
Or that of foes in front combined.
A good knight he, in Learning's lists,
With pens for points, and ink for blood ;
Bold to face Prehistoric mists,
Or fetlock deep, through mythic mud,
To dog Teutonic critics' twists,
Or probe Earth's youth, beyond the flood.
A stalwart warrior, too, confest,'
In wordy war, where tongues are swords ;
Heedless what lance he lays in rest,
'Gainst Commons fierce or stubborn Lords —
The best to him is that which best
And readiest help in need affords :
But Learning's gear avails not here,
Nor tongue-fence serves this Session's need ;
Ne'er yawned defile more dark and drear
More threatening before knight and steed :
Beset with giant shapes of fear,
Allied in hate, of diverse breed.
Chiefs of the crowd, big, beetle-browed,
Not so well-knit as huge of limb,
.The Giant Ultramontane proud,
And Giant Nonconformist grim,
Expectant wait, their mutual hate
Postponed in common hate of him.
" ALL FOR THE PRIEST " upon his shield,
As legend, Ultramontane bears ;
"NOUGHT FOR THE PRIEST," from chequered field
Of Nonconformist's buckler glares :
But cry and shield each keeps concealed.
As for joint onslaught he prepares.
Dark in their rear, more Giants peer,
Looming the larger for the shade
Through which their doubtful bulks appear,
In magnifying mists arrayed.
The Giant Bunkum, see prepare
The biggest bill e'er Bunkum made !
And Giant Job, and Giant Mull,
And Giant Muddle, and Misrule —
Giants that, by the Office- full
Find in Whitehall their, home and school,—
Big brainless Giants, deaf and dull,
That botch the business of JOHN BULL.
Ere GLADSTONE quell this Giant band,
That with armed ambush lines his way,
He '11 need as steady heart and hand,
As cool head, as e'er knight in fray,
And at his back a helpful band,
Of wills that hold, and wits that weigh.
I look around at foes before.
And weak or wavering friends behind ;
I'count the Session's chances o'er,
And more to chill than cheer I find.
But as Punch wished him well of yore,
Still the old " good-speed " comes to mind.
Beyond Suspicion.
OJTKT as we hear of the " City Oratory," we never for a moment
suppose that this implies any imputation on the City's Protestantkm.
PUNCH, -OR THE LONDON
GIANTS I
RIVARl.-FEBRUABT 10, 1872.
THE WAY.
FEB.JABT 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
C3
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
as MASTSRS HA RR Y
SA.YDPORD, Toxiir
MKRTON, and MR.
BARLOW, visit the
ADBLPHI THSATRX
to see " NOTRK
J)Aas"and ''SNOW
WHITS."
Harry. Sir, will
you give me leave
to ask a question ?
Mr. Barl»w. As
many as you choose.
Harry. The hon-
est persons in this
entertainment call
Claude Frolln the
" Wicked Arch-
deacon," or "The
Archdeacon," or
"My brother the
Archdeacon," as
the varying cir-
cumstances may
warrant.
Mr. Barlow. This
is indeed the case.
Harry. But then, Sir, did you not tell us the other day, that the
good gentleman in a very remarkable hat, a square-out coat, and
with no buttons on his waistcoat, an omission intended, perhaps,
to counteract the effect of so many small buttons on his gaiters and
at his knees, — did you not say, Sir, that he was an Archdeacon P
Mr. Barlow. Indeed, HARRY, you have correctly repeated the in-
formation 1 gave you on that occasion, and I cannot but praise your
thoughtfulness, which would connect that eminently respectable
elderly gentleman (he carried an umbrella, if I remember rightly),
with the " GOBLIN MONK," for such, I perceive, is the term applied
to the Archdeacon in this play. But you must know that different
countries have different ecclesiastical, as well as civil, costumes, and
both the novelist and dramatist, but especially the' latter, will
always do well to choose such a subject as may furnish him with the
most picturesque materials. Therefore, the adapter, my dear HARRY,
of this drama has wisely not attempted to bring down the story to
our own date and country ; though. I admit that the temptation to
exhibit an Archdeacon in his gaiters and shovel hat, running round
St. Paul's after a gipsy girl, chiveying her up-stairs into the whisper-
ing gallery, thence up into the ball, where he would encounter the
bell-ringer, when all three might climb, one after the other, to the
summit of the'golden cross, whence the Archdeacon should be thrown
down — I say the temptation to exhibit such a sensational incident
in modern days must have been almost irresistible.
TOMMY and HARRY now both expressed their regret that it had
not fallen to the lot of their revered tutor to arrange such a version
of Notre Dame for the Adclphi as he had just described.
Tummy. And whom, Sir, would you have made the representa-
tive of the Archdeacon in your proposed modern adaptation of
Esmeralda f
Mr. Barlow. I should indubitably have allotted the part of the
Archdeacon in his shovel-hat and gaiters to that most conscientious
and painstaking artist, MR. HOMER, of this theatre.
Tummy and Harry. Indeed, Sir, we are entirely of your opinion.
Harry. What you have just said, Sir, reminds me of the story of
Chares and the Contiguous Dutchman, which, as TOMMY has not yet
heard it, I will repeat to him. You must know then, MASTER
TOMMY
But at this moment, the Third Act commencing caused HARRY to
postpone his instructive and amusing tale until another opportunity
should present itself.
Tommy. And indeed, Sir, I do not know any young lady with
whom I could sooner sympathise, under such distressing circum-
stances, than Miss ROSE LECLER<I, who, you will see by the pro-
gramme, now represents Esmeralda the gipsy girl.
Throughout the two last scenes of the drama TOMMY evinced
considerable excitement, which, indeed, when the " wicked Arch-
deacon" in the exercise of functions peculiarly unarchidiaconal,
chased the enticing but unhappy young person up the stairs of the
bell-turret, was increased to such a point, that, being of an innatelj
generous and noble disposition, he was for jumping upon the stage anc
proceeding to the rescue of( Esmeralda, for whom he now expressec
sentiments of the most profound pity. Nay, it was not until the
"goblin" Archdeacon, atter a severe struggle with the hunchbacl
had been precipitated headlong from the summit of the tower, thai
TOMMY in any degree recovered his wonted serenity.
Mr. Barlow. You see, my dear TOMMY to what a pitch — and
iterally a pitch from a considerable height, as you will have already
observed — your passions, if unchecked, may carry you.
Harry. I think, Sir, I perceive that you would have us remark
he use of the word "pitch " in your latest observation.
Mr. Barlow. You are indeed right, and it will be well for our
young friend TOMMY, who is now studying the art of skilfully
jlaying upon words, to notice what amusing conceits can be extracted
:rom the judicious application of this one word " pitch."
Tommy. I now see, Sir, that a dictionary and a grammar may
serve as the foundation of much innocent recreation.
" Indeed," said MR. BARLOW, " I am sincerely glad to find that
TOMMY has made this acquisition. He will now depend upon
nobody, but be able to divert himself whenever he pleases. All
that has ever been written in our own language will be now in his
determined now to make myself as clever as anybody. I know
more already than most grown-up people, and though in our house
there are my Grandfather and Grandmother, as well as my Father
and Mother, my Sisters, my Uncle, and two Aunts, besides the twelve
black servants, yet I am sure not one of them can make a joke as well
as I can "
quietly.
Sir, that 1 have experienced much difficulty both with my Grand-
father and Grandmother, whom I have tried to instruct in such
practical and verbal pleasantries as I have now, so frequently, wit-
nessed in the most amusing pantomimes. I have, Sir, placed myself
under a chair cover, and, on my knees being sat upon by either of
my venerable relatives, I have vehemently embraced them with my
arms, or have suddenly withdrawn myself from my concealment. I
have told my Uncle that " a policeman was coming," and have lain
down on the door-mat, after summoning my Aunt from the drawing-
room with a loud rap at the door. I have failed as yet," continued
TOMMY, modestly, " to do much with the kitchen poker made red-
hot, but I trust that in time, by constant attention and untiring
perseverance "
At this moment, however, the time having arrived for the big
drum (near whom they were seated) to join in the overture, with
which the orchestra was ushering in the Extravaganza, further con-
versation was rendered comparatively impracticable. _ TOMMY, in-
deed, was highly indignant that any person should interrupt his
discourse, and expressed, by signs, an earnest desire of conveying
these sentiments to the honest musician who was within reach of his
arm ; and, indeed, he would have succeeded in his attempt, had not
MR. BARLOW applied his finger and thumb so sharply to the softer
portion of his pupil's arm, as for the moment to distract hi» attention
from the object of his anger.
A few seconds after this the curtain drew up, and the Extrava-
ganza commenced.
They were now vastly entertained by the acting and singing of
MRS. JOHN WOOD, in the piece called Snow White, in which also
MRS. MELLON performed much to their satisfaction.
On quitting the Theatre MASTER TOMMY was mightily offended
with a poor and ill-clad man who refused to fetch him a vehicle,
being, he said, at that moment employed by another party. He
now Deoame very passionate. In truth MASTER TOMMY thought he
had a right to command everybody that was not dressed as finely
as himself, an opinion which led him into some considerable in-
convenience, and was now the occasion of his being very severely
mortified.
" Sirrah! " said TOMMY to the poor man, " get me a cab.".-,
don't choose to," said the man. " Sirrah ! " exclaimed TOMMT, "if
I come to you I will make you choose it ! " " You be blowed, my
pretty little master," said the man. " You vulgar rascal," said
TOMMY, who now began to be very angry, " I will thrash you
within an inch of your life." To this the other made no answer
but by a loud laugh, which provoked TOMMY so much that he rushed
at the man, who, stepping nimbly on one side, and extending his foot,
tripped up MASTER TOMMY so quickly that in another second he
rolled into the wet gutter which was full of mud. His fine waist-
coat was dirtied all over, his trousers covered with mire, and his
shoes filled with the thick slosh.
The troop of spectators, who had attributed TOMMY'S fall to
cowardice, began to entertain the sincerest respect for his courage
when they saw him, on rising, fly at his antagonist, and deal him a
severe punch of his fist in the very centre of nis body. They now
gathered round the combatants in silence. After a short but severe
contest, the linkman closed with his undaunted enemy, and by dint
of superior strength, roughly hurled him to the ground. A second
time did TOMMY rise and attack his adversary ; but, alas ! again was
he doomed to disappointment.
While the contest was thus raging, HARRY and their beloved tutor
64
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1873.
AN AGGRAVATED CASE.
Bead Keeper (to Under Ditto). "WHAT K'TER WANT TO BB WALKING ON THE LINE FOR? WHY, THAT THERE TRAIN MIGHT 'A'
SMASHED VER TO BITS ! AND MASTER'S GUN IN YER HAND, TOO ! I "
were standing together at some little distance from the affray,
thoughtfully watching the issue.
" I think, Sir," said HARRY, " that this contest reminds me of the
story I once read of Crysos and the Perverse Basket-Maker. If you
are not acquainted with it, Sir, I will tell it to you. You must
know, then, Sir "
Mr. Barlow. I think I perceive a Constable making his way
towards the assemblage. It would be as well for us to withdraw
somewhat farther from this spot.
It is impossible to conceive the terror and dismay which instantly
seized the crowd of spectators. They who before had been hallooing
with joy and encouraging the fury of the combatants, were now
scattered all about the street. The Linkman, joining the crowd,
fled as fast as his legs would carry him. Not so fortunate was
MASTER TOMMY MERTON. who, being the last of the fugitives,
tumbled down, whether through fear or weakness, and lay in the
very path of the pursuing Constable, by whom he was straightway
taken into custody.
MR. BABLOW and HARRY now followed, though somewhat re-
luctantly, at a distance, and indeed did not lose sight of them until
they reached the corner of Bow Street, when, on MR. BARLOW
observing that it was time for them to retire to rest, they bent their
steps once more towards the Strand, and sought the quiet of their
lodgings.
'rWhat, Sir," inquired HARRY, "will they do with MASTER
TOMMY?"
" Indeed," replied MR. BARLOW, after a moment's thought. " I do
not know. Perhaps they will hang him. But as he has only him-
self to thank for any inconvenience which may arise, I will merely
read to you the story of Pausanias and the Persistent Tortoise, and
after that we will retire to bed."
HARRY left the room, in order as he said, to find the book in which
the story occurred, but at the expiration of three hours, as he did
not return, MB. BABLOW aroused himself from a slumber into which
he had fallen, and taking his chamber-candle entered his apartment,
and was soon fast asleep.
SARCASMS CRYSTALLIZED DURING A DREARY JOURNEY
ON THE BRIGHTON RAILWAY.
HE who from London takes the Sunday line,
Can get no breakfast, neither can he dine :
The trains, moreover, are most awful slow t
Let 's drink the health of SAMUEL LAING & Co.
Another.
Travel like this should be described with smiles :
" Two hours and forty minutes— fifty miles."
Another.
Of " crawlers " London does not now complain :
They now compose the Brighton Sunday train.
Another.
" Sabbath-day's journey means a short one." Bother !
LAING makes it twice as long as any other.
Wanted a Lawyer.
THE Government, we all know, has an Attorney-General in
Parliament, of whose predecessor more is likely to be heard^ there.
They appear to be sadly in need of another Attorney at the Foreign
Office, one capable of scrutinising deeds and preventing any such
little oversight as that which is their last blunder, whereby they
have committed themselves and the country in the Treaty of
Washington.
The Counter and the Bar.
THE Publicans have for some time taken to sell tea, on the plea of
"Defence not Defiance." There is another article of grocery which
BUNG might also vend, and that appropriately — Tap-ioca.
FEBRUARY 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
CHOICE OF EVILS.
WHICH is THE WORST FOR THE MASTER ?— To SUBMIT TO MRS. MAGPIE'S PONT CONSTANTLY KICKING THB BUST HOUNDS, HER
DAUGHTERS' Nmsv CHATTER WHILE THEY ABE DRAWING THE WOODS, AND HER BOY'S PERPETUAL HEADING OF FOXES ; OR, TO
AFFRONT OLD HAGl'IE, WHOSE COVERTS ARE WELL PRESERVED, WHO PAYS A HANDSOME SUBSCRIPTION TO THE HUNT, AND INVARIABLY
GIVES A BREAKFAST WHEN THE HOUNDS ARE NEAR t
FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE.
SOME people appear to know a vast deal more about some other
people than those same other people really know about themselves.
For instance, hardly a day passes without one's finding; in some
foreign newspaper such a paragraph as this, which we venture to
translate : —
" Here is a noble marriage. LORD PETHUS HOLLOW AT is betrothed to the
only daughter of the MARQUIS DB BOSBRY-CHARASSE, whose income U up-
wards of 50,0001. a year. LORD HOLLOWAY, by his mother's ride, U the la»t
di-Bi cndant of the Lords of Ravenswood, rendered famous by WALTER SCOTT'S
Bride of Lamintrmoor."
The journal whence we cite this, hears the title of La Libertf,
and is named so rather fitly, judging from the many liberties it
takes. Events in what they call " hihg life," and pronounce to
rhyme with " fig-leaf," are continually related by ingenious French
journalists, and, generally speaking, are as firmly based on fact as
the story we have quoted. The paragraphs which follow are not
one whit less truthful, or one atom more astounding, than those
which constant readers of the Paris daily papers are invited to
believe : —
The Parliaments of England have been summoned hythe QUEEN,
to assemble in their thousands at St. James's Palace, Windsor, for
the purpose of electing a new President, or, as their official language
terms it, " Mister Speaker." The Right Honorable LORD GLAD-
STONES has for some years held this office, and, as the immortal
WILLIAMS says, has " won golden dominions from all sorts_of feeble
peoples." As the SPEAKER is obliged by the British Constitution to
make a speech on every evening when the Parliaments are sitting,
the office usually is given to a man of great loquacity, and for this
reason a lawyer in good practice, like LORD GLADSTONES for example,
has generally the luck to be elected to the place.
One of those eccentric pastimes which are known as " Foot Balls "
took place the other evening at the rooms of Hanover, near to
Leicesterre Squarr. Foot Balls, as our readers are aware, are a kind
of national dance, or sort of British cancan, in which he who kicks
the highest wins the most applause.
A wife-auction was held on Friday last in Smitfield Market, and
as usual was attended with considerable success. The LORD CHAN-
CELLOR presided in his gorgeous robes of State, and announced the
biddings with great vehemence of voice. Quotations ruled a little
lower than the average of last season, but this may partly have been
owing to the fogginess of the morning, which prevented the fair
ladies from being fairly seen.
By tables lately issued by the Board of Health Control, it is com-
puted that exactly four-ana-forty thousand Englishmen die annually
of the spleen. This complaint, it would appear, has not been proved
as yet so fatal to the female sex. Still, eleven hundred ladies of
the very highest family are yearly ascertained to have committed
suicide, by jumping off St. Paul's or else the Statue of Duke Wel-
lington, while under the dire influence of this national disease.
An interesting marriage ceremony was solemnised last Sunday,
after mid-day, at the Cathedral Church of Wapping, between SIB
GILES DE SCROGGINS, youngest son and heir-apparent of the HONOR-
ABLE EARL SCROGGINS, Companion of the Baths, and Miladi Leer
KNEF.L, the only daughter of SIB KNEEL, of the Order of the Garter
Knight. The noble bridegroom has an income of more than sixty
thousand sterlings, paid quartoly by his mother, the Old Lady of
Threadneedlestreet. It is said that the fair bride is a lineal descend-
ant of the famous Miss 0. KNEEL, who, for her talent as an actress,
was raised to the peerage from the stage of Drurilane.
A new club of fox-hunters comes to be formed in London West-
end, under the appropriate title of the Gun Club. As every British
noble sportman aims to shoot the fox, it is expected that this Gun
Club wfll have a grand success.
Those enlightened patriots, SIR DELKE and MR. HODGEB are daily
gaining myriads of converts to their creed. But la rieille Angleterre
is not yet ripe for a republic. Liberties are scanty where aristocrats
abound. To bribe SIR DELKE it is proposed to raise him to the
66
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 10, 1872.
IMMORALITY OF FOREIGN RULERS.
IT is said that there are French Statesmen who actually
contemplate a scheme of raising £160,000,000 towards
paying off the indemnity due to Germany by means of a
Lottery Loan. Dreadful ! Of all financial expedients
which a Government can have recourse to, there is not
one so demoralising? as that of borrowing money by
means of sanctioning lotteries. Why it is an en-
couragement of gambling ! What is the wrongf ulness
of partial taxation to that ? Certainly there is some-
thing a little tending to impair the morality of tax-
payers in a tax which they resent as unjust, inquisi-
torial, and cruel. It tends to make them try to frustrate
injustice by evasion. Fiscal imposition, they think,
justifies antagonism by fraud ; the victims and the
taxmasters are playing a game of forfeits, wherein
iniquity on one side makes cheating on the other all
fair. This is rather improper, certainly, but a tax
which, unrighteous and extortionate, aggrieves only
certain persons, does not habituate the whole of the
community to the resource of lying and cheating in self-
^ defence, but only a part of them, namely those who are
: overtaxed. Whereas Lotteries tempt every one pos-
sessing the means of gambling to gamble. The un-
scrupulous Governments of Austria and Italy, and the
benighted POPE, may demoralise those who own their
authority by authorising Lotteries. Our own con-
scientious Rulers are far above the imitation of their
i deplorable example. Never, never, we are sure, will
they be guilty of permitting a Lottery, although they
are capable of upholding an Income-tax.
PRACTICAL.
Hopeful. " WILL BREAKFAST SOON BE READY, MAMMA ?"
Mamma. " YES, MY DEAR."
Hopeful. " WELL, PAPA, YOU MIGHT SAY GRACE JUST NOW, TO SAVB TIME."
Educational Crew.
UNSECTARIAN changing for secular boat,
School-fcoat, same wherein Atheists row, too.
Dissenters, with such fellow- sailors afloat,
0 where do you expect that you '11 go to ?
A Capital Workman.
SPEAKING of the custom in Germany for the members
of the Royal Family to learn some handicraft, as part
of their education, the Times Correspondent writing
from Berlin says, " His reigning Majesty, if I am
not mistaken, is by trade a glazier." There must be
some mistake about the Emperor's trade, for none can
doubt that he has proved himself to be a " top-sawyer."
peerage, by the title of LORD LESSER BRITON ; and efforts are not
wanting to persuade good MR. HODGER to accept the Stilton Hun-
dreds, which will ensure throughout the Session his silence in the
House.
The Great Titchborn Trial has, by order of the Claimant, been
removed from Commonplease Court to the Sessionsouse of Clerken-
well. The jury have been sitting for 180 days, and some of them
have never shaved since entering the box. By Act of corpus habeas,
they are locked up every evening directly after dinner, and their
cigars are all extinguished, by law of fire insurance, at the striking
ot nine hours. The costs of the proceedings are a million francs a
day ; and as the HONORABLE JUDGE COLERIG receives a weekly fee,
it is expected that his summing-up will occupy six months.
RESPECTABILITY.
CHRONICLIXG a fatal accident at Norwich, a daily newspaper
reported that the persons killed had been " removed to the work-
Later in the week this statement was corrected, thus :—
" We are requested to say that this was not the case, as they were resneot-
ible people, and not paupers."
Readers of CAHLTLE will recollect that MR. THURTEIX was de-
scribed as a respectable " person. That epithet, however, did not
3 being hanged. Respectability at Norwich maybe de-
id. as that which may prevent a dead man being taken to a work-
house. Were he living, it perhaps might fail of that effect. Yet
•ely persons may be paupers, and moreover be respectable, in the
' '
,,,A
notice. At
Proverbial Philosophy.
.miie coincidence may possibly, escape the reader's
notice. At the recent Dog-show held in Dublin there were exactly
36o dogs exhibited, a dog for each day of the year.-illustrating
the philosophical proverb, " Every dog has his day."
DISINTERESTED DOCTORS.
THE anti-alcoholic declaration of our principal Physicians and
Surgeons records the singular disinterestedness of the Medical Pro-
fession. They, of all men, are best aware of the extent to which
excess in spirituous liquors is the cause of diseases. They get their
living by the treatment of diseases, and yet they recommend the
imposition of restraint on the consumption of those liquors which
they are largely produced by. Their unselfishness, if the liquor-
u- V Destroyed °y law' will, however, have its reward. The
•11 j ?iment *° drunkenness rendered physically impossible,
will doubtless be replaced by vicious courses under the influence of
some other propensity than the passion for drink. Hence we are
happy to think, grist will accrue to the medical mill all the same.
Health of the Premier.
WE have great pleasure in announcing that MR. GLADSTONE is
recovering, slowly but surely, from the effects of the DUKE OF NEW-
CASTLE s proclamation to his tenantry in North Nottinghamshire.
Ihe PRIME MINUTER, for a time, was much stunned by the blow he
felt on finding that he had lost the confidence of such a distinguished
member of the Legislature, but he is now much better, and able
again to transact business.
The Doctors' Paradise.
ADVICES of the progress of the Looshai Expedition report
GENERAL BKOWNLOW as approaching " The Tookpillalls country."
The Medical Profession are unanimous in their opinion that the in-
habitants of this country must be a highly intelligent and civilised
people, and they hope the General and his troops will put them to as
little inconvenience as possible.
FEBRUARY 17, l«7
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
G7
'•'
m
k - HIS day one hundred years, Feb. 6, 1772, did CHARLES Fox arise in
the House of Commons, and being weary of the inactivity of the
House, and desirous to have some sort of disturbance, that he might
manifest his powers, did give notice that he should move for a repeal
of the Marriage Act. Wnen he gave this notice he had never read
the Marriage Act, nor did he read it until some days after. You
may like also to know that just then Town was talking of the
arrest of the QUEEN OF DENMARK, sister to our King. She was
charged by her husband with certain non-conjugalities. About a
week later the Prussian Envoy came up to Mr. Punch, and said,
with a sneer, " Qu'est devenue votre Rsiirt DS DAtrtXAROt " Then,
as now, ever prompt with reply.Afr. Punch answered, "with spirit,"
" Apparemment qu'elle ett d Spandau avec votre Pxiircxsss RorAL* "
— who had been divorced, for good reasons. _ You will find all this,
or about all this, in WALPOLE, not in the immortal and immoral
letters, but in the " Last Journals," ably edited by DR. DORAN,
F.S.A. ' ^
Mr. Punch presumes that by this time his reader, the World,
^^_^_____ .=——— knows him too well to suppose that he would hesitate at making
> BHUBr^BM^^^^^S?^^ any record or reference that occurred to him, whether it appeared
to Dear immediately on the matter in hand, or not. If, however,
any person supposes that Mr. Punch is bound by any rule, the
sooner that supposition is dismissed the better. This delightful
Parliamentary narrative will, as heretofore, be varied and
enlivened by anything that he may deem it fit to interpolate.
He will bring forth from his treasury things new and old, as
may seem good to his generous nature. By Dodo, who was the
mother of Zoroaster, Mr. Punch will be no slave to Parliament
or any other authority, save that of Beauty ! Now you know all
about it.
To-day, as here is pictured Parliament met. HER MAJESTY was
not present, being wisely occupied in acquiring, amid the pure air of
the Island of Wight, strength for the Day of Thanksgiving, about to be mentioned.
LORD CHANCELLOR HATHERLEY read the Koyal Speech, and Mr. Punch reluctantly notes that his Lordship read 1 1 very badly,
stumbling, and pausing, and requiring to be prompted by the EARL OF RIPON. Mr. Punch would not, of course, have mentioned t
had any infirmity been its cause, but LORD HATHERLEY can read his own judgments perfectly well, and therefore it is clear that the
VOL. LTLT. H
4-
68
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 17, 1872.
Speech must have heen vilely transcribed for him, or he had not
rtudied it. As it is now the fashion to make every possible charge
gainst Government, Mr. Punch delightedly shies Aw stone, and
asks what is to be said for a Cabinet that can't even get a Queen s
^ouC the1 S^ech' was worth much elocution, for it was composed
in a style that would have made WILLIAM COBBETI (they ve been
erecting a memorial to him somewhere) lay about the authors with
his thickest cudgel. Also, according to the PREMIER paragraphs
had got misplaced. This is the way the Nation is served. However,
let us preserve our sweet temper ; we shall want it all, and more.
The neads of the Speech were these :—
1 Thanks for the restoration of the health of the PRINCE OF
WALES, and announcement of Thanksgiving therefor, in
St. Paul's, on the 27th of February.
•2. Foreign relations in all respects satisfactory.
[ With an exception, your Majesty.
3. The name of the British Empire is dishonoured by slave-
trading practices in the South Seas, and a preventive
measure is promised. -,
[Dishonoured it much too "gushing" a word, ME.
GLADSTONE.
4. France is objecting to Free Trade, but we are not to quarrel.
5. This must be given in full. The QUEEN says :—
"The Arbitrators appointed pursuant to the Treaty of Wa-ihmg-
ton, for the purpose of amicably settling certain claims known as
the Alabama Claims, have he'ld their first meeting at Geneva.
Ca-es have been laid before the Arbitrators on behalf of each party
to the Treaty. In the case so (submitted on behalf of the United
States large claims have been included, which are understand on
my part not to be within the province of the Arbitrators. On (his
subject, I have caused a friendly communication to b« made to the
Government of the United States."
[May it be receind m friendship, your Majesty.
6. The "EMPEROR OF GBRMANT" [is that His Majesty's
title, LORD GRAX VILLB ?] is to arbitrate on the St. Juau
Water Boundary.
7. Ireland has been free from Serious Crime. [Are there Oomic
Crimes, and are the frequent agrarian outrages so desig-
nated ?] Her trade improves.
[Several of her Patriots are for sale, one hears.
8. Crime and the number of criminals in Great Britain have
diminished.
9. The Estimates will be suitable to the Circumstances of the
Country. [Nothing about Economy.
10. Revenue satisfactory. Pauperism decreasing.
11. Among the measures of the Session are to be Bills for Scotch
Education, Mines Regulation [at last.'], on the Liquor
Question [Aha ! MR. BRUCE ?], for improving the Superior
Courts of Justice and Appeal, for establishing Secret Voting,
for repressing Corrupt Election Practices, and for doing
something in a Sanitary direction.
12. Parliament will be Assiduous, and the Sovereign will rely
on its Energy, and on the Loyalty of the People.
[In the latter, Mr. Punch assures your Majesty that
every confidence may be reposed. The former he
hopes to stimulate.
In the afternoon the Houses, which had adjourned, met again,
and in the Lords EARL DS LA WARE (a brave soldier) moved the
Address, which was seconded by VISCOUNT POWERSCOURT (a compli-
ment to Ireland) ; and the DUKE OF RICHMOND, for the Opposition,
was not very severe. He hoped that we should be spared all sensa-
tional and revolutionary legislation. The Foreign Minister, EARL
GRAirvTLLB (we regret to say. leaning on a crutch, having gallantly
declined the Duke's kindly advice to speak sitting) made some con-
ciliatory remarks, but was soon obliged to resume his seat. LORD
DKRBT was glad that we were to have a quiet Session, thought that
rose-coloured views of Ireland were taken, but supposed that Go-
vernment, having alienated the Protestants, did not wish to alienate
the Catholics also. He enlarged on Government " carelessness" on
the American question, but distinctly declared that we are bound
by nothing but what we intended lo offer. Let us, however, he very
courteous.
In the Commons heaps of Notices were given, but sufficient for
the night is the wrangle thereof. We shall take them as they
come, and as MR. THOMAS MOORE says, in Lalla Ruokh,—
" Woe to the File that foremost wades."
MR. STRUCT, arrayed as a Leicestershire Yeoman — no, as one of
the Yeomanry — moved the Address, which was seconded by MR.
rm.Mvy, in the new court dress. Small wits mirht hint at
SrRurr's Sports and Pastimes, and COLMAN'S Broad Grins, but as
both gentlemen spoke with, becoming gravity, the allusion would be
frivolous and impertinent.
Ma. DISRAELI said that Ministers had been passing the recess in a
Blaze of Apology, so that Members had been unahle to refresh their
faculties by forgetting anything. He criticised several bits of the
Speech, but not bitterly. He did. not think the American paragraph
adequate to the occasion. He himself had always sought to cherish
cordial relations between England and America. The Government,
and not diplomatists, were responsible for what had been done. He
spoke at considerable length on this subject, and urged the Ministers
to be very frank with the House, as it would be fatal to get into a
Serbonian Bug of Darkness. We need hardly add that Ma. Dis-
BAELI'S references to the PHINCE OF WALES were in the best taste.
Ma. GLADSTONE would be ready, at the proper time, to defend
everything the Cabinet had done. He alluded eloquently to the
PRINCE OP WALES, and stated a firm conviction that the peril
through which H. R. H. had passed would leave an enduring mark
on his heart. On the American question the PREMIER spoke in a
very determined way, declaring that there was but one mode in
which the Treaty could be interpreted, and that at no time had
Government acceded to a document under which the vast and un-
warrantable claim of the States could be pressed. We shall demand
to be " let off," or we shall fall back on our right to withdraw from
the Arbitration. The claim is one which no nation in the possession
of its senses could admit even in the last extremity.
Two Irish Members having emitted the conventional grumble'that
Oireland was neglected, the first night of the Session was over.
Wednesday.— MR. DENISON, the Speaker, explained that after
nearly Fifteen Years of service his health compelled him to resign.
Very pleasant things were said tj him, provisionally, by MR. GLAD-
STONE and SIR Jons PARINQTON.
MR. BURIAL OSBORNE spoke out, more suo, and taunted the
Cabinet with having been outwitted hy smart American lawyers,
against whom they ought to have sent out a shrew 1 attorney. He
called the Treaty " an infamous document." Not one sixpence,
however, he declared, amid loui cheers, would Parliament ever vote
in payment of the Indirect Claims.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON, on the Liquor question, rather neatly
asked whether MR. BRUCS were going to cast in his lot with the Public
or with the Publicans.
Ms. GLADSTONE replied to MR. OSBOBNE and sundry other
Members, somewhat qualifying his language of the previous night,
but declaring that we should appeal to Grammar, and to the
Doctrine of Intention.
Mil. BRUCE'S Bill is to be as stringent as that of last year. Mr.
Punch mildly whispers, " Hooray for a Bar-Fight."
Thursday. —In the Lords, EARL STANHOPE, intending to lead the
battle on the great COLLIER Acrobatic Feat, demanded and obtained
papers. MR. CROSS, a Conservative lawyer, gave notice of similar
attack in the Commons.
MR. MILBAHK wished to have it out with SIR CHARLES DILKE for
his republican speeches, hut the SPEAKER ruled that this would be
irregular. However, the former intends to manage it.
To-day MK. GLADSTONE, with happy eloquence, moved the vote of
thanks to the retiring Speaker, and Ma. DISRAELI, with as fortunate
selection of epithet, seconded the motion. MR. DENISON will
become VISCOUNT OSSIHOTON, but will not accept the usual pension.
[We wonder what his successor, the Hun. MR. BRAND —long a
popular and capital whip— will do when he resigns amid general
regret. For he is heir presumptive to the title of Daore, which dates
from 1307.] Tbe SPEAKER made brief and touching response, not
forgetting a gentleman's tribute to Sts ERSKINE MAT, Chief at the
Table of the House. Long and loud cheering marked the passing of
the Vote. To MR. DENISON, Mr. Punch gives Benison, and
an revoir, up-stairs.
S>mo debate, with a clever and practical speech by Ms. TORRENS,
i as to the best way of neglecting the business of the House.
The Ballot Bill was introduced by MR. FORSTER, and the Corrupt
Practices Bill by the ATTORNST-GENERAL, who had begged a
holiday from the Tichborne Case.
Friilay. — The House of Commons received the QUEEN'S gracious
permission to elect a New Speaker. SIR ROUNDELL PALMER, in a
speech that, for its scholarly symmetry and grace of phrase, deserves
to be called an oration, proposed the RIGHT HONOURABLE HENRT
BOUVERIE WILLIAM BRAND, with generous but discriminating
laudation of that gentleman's public and private merits. MR.
LOCKE KING seconded the motion, introducing his hope that MR.
BRAND would contrive some means of abbreviating debates. At
this arose some murmur. MR. BRAND, with due depreciation of his
qualities and abilities, submitted to the will of the Commons, and
was, according to ancient form, conducted, he gently resisting, to
the Chair. Thence, the Speaker Elect returned thanks, and pro-
mised to do his duty to the best of his power. The PREMIER then
formally, but earnestly, congratulated his old friend, and stated that
he wai to be presented on the following Monday to thu QUEEN, who
would ratify the choice of her faithful Commons. Mr. Punch will
receive MR. BRAND privately, and complete his inauguration, with
libation.
FEBRUARY 17, 1672.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
69
VALENTINIANA:
AINT VALENTINE'S
L)AYand Ash Wed-
nesday fall toge-
ther this year.
Such a coincidence
has not happened
before since the
invention of print-
ing, and will not
occur again within
the memory of
man.
It is understood
that the High
Church party have
held a meeting,
at which it was
agreed to recom-
mend all little
High Church boys
and girls to ab-
stain from opening
their Valentines
till the termina-
tion of Lent.
Very little is
known of BISHOP
VALENTINE'S his-
torv, as all the
copies of the ifemoir of him,
published by hia Examin-
ing Chaplain, went to the
bottom in the course of a
storm in the Irish Channel;
but he is believed to have had
a disappointment in early life.
The collections in the Print
Room at the British Museum
should be searched for specimens of his original productions. They
will be found to offer a marked contrast to the elaborate and
expensive fabrics now in vogue, and the lace borders are at least
a century and a half later in date.
The Bishop never married, and it was long the practice for be-
trothed lovers to repair on the morning of his birthday to his statue,
accompanied by one or more of the oldest inhabitants of the place,
and deposit at its base attested copies of their correspondence, a
crooked sixpence or some other similar silver coin wrapped up in
a newspaper, and garlands made of lad's-love, maiden-hair fern, and
stout twine. Hence the custom of sending Valentines on this day.
The custom itself is one which exists, in some shape or other, in
every country where travellers have discovered remains of stationery ;
and tablets or stones rudely incised with hearts, darts, altars, flames.
Cupids, nuptial rings, and village churches in the background, and
a date whiuh the best scholars agree in considering to correspond
with the middle of our February, have been found amongst tribes
so savage that they had no knowledge of the use of writing mate-
rials, and were ignorant of gin.
No connection can be traced between BISHOP VALENTINE and the
senior partner in the firm of Valentine and Orson — the families do
not appear to have been even distantly related.
This being Leap Year, if a single gentleman receives a Valentine
from a single lady, and can trace the sender through the Post-office,
he will be entitled to consider her missive as equivalent to a proposal
of marriage, and to accept it, if the lady can give satisfactory refer-
ences as to property, connections, temper, accomplishments, and
ability to manage a modern mansion.
One of the most familiar formulas used in Valentines is so old that
no authentic manuscript of it is known to exist. We refer to the
genial lines, which, through successive generations, have found a
conscious echo in the breasts of all who are awake to the simple
dictates of the heart acting in unison with the language of flowers —
" The rose is red,
The violet blue,
Carnation 's sweet,
And so are you."
In some of the later versions the third line runs — "the grass is
green "—but this is looked upon as the gloss of some soured scholiast,
which has crept, by a transcriber's error, into the received text.
The belief is universal, and nothing but the extension of the
suffrage to women will ever overcome it, that if you are single, the
first unmarried person you meet outside the house on St. Valentine's
Day will exercise an important influence over your future destiny.
Fortunately there is a simple way of evading the hand of Fate,
open to those who desire a greater freedom in their choice of a part-
ner in wedlock— at least, if they are willing to remain indoors till the
expiration of the spell at twelve p.m.
Another favourite dogma is, that if you dream of your sweetheart
the night before Valentine's Day, you will be married before the
year is out. But this insight into futurity is so fenced round with
indispensable forms and observances, that it is almost impossible to
fulfil the founder's intentions. To enumerate only a few of these —
you must go to bed fasting, without a light, and lie due east and
west between new sheets which have observed all the regulations of
the Factory Acts : you must awake three time*, and each time when
you look out of the window, you must see a falling star, or hear the
shriek of a mandrake (BLACKSTONK, indeed, lays it down that there
must be a display of Aurora Borealis on the night in question, but
this is disputed) ; and you must enclose the name of the person of
whom you (thrice) dream, in a sealed envelope, with a motto outside,
to the Mayor or Stipendiary Magistrate, before eight o'clock on the
following morning, accompanied by a photograph and a sonnet .
It has been calculated, by a Fellow of tke Statistical Society, in
his leisure hours, that if all the Valentines which pass through the
Post-Office during the month of February were laid one upon
another, they would form a pile, four-square, as high as the Cross
on the top of St. Paul's, and be equal to the cubical contents of the
London Docks. But this requires verification.
PARALLEL UNDER PARLIAMENT.
IN these days of gun-cotton, nitro-glycerine, dynamite, saxifrage
(not to say lithofraoteur), torpedoes, and Fenians, the Lord Great
Chamberlain's limited service of searching for GOT FA.WKE* in the
vaults under the Houses of Parliament is by no means an unneces-
sary precaution. This last time it afforded the party of explorers an
opportunity, as the Times observes, of " turning their attention to
the wonderful and admirable system of ventilation perfected by
DH. P«HCT." The contrast thus suggested between the incendiary
and the man of science is remarkable, and yet the name of the one
may in some minds be associated with that of the other. The reader
needs hardly to be reminded of a certain PEKCY who also was the
hero of a famous Plot, and whom a certain Knight, as remarkable
for apt sayings as for obesity, called " Gunpowder PJICT." Thus
we make put a connection between PERCT and Gtnr FAWKES. There
is something of everything to be found in SHAXSPEAHE.
" ECONOMY."
WHY HAVE AN EXPENSIVE HAT OR BONNET, WHEN A SLIGHT
ALTERATION or TH« CoiffURt WILL KEFFICK t
Cocoa for Children.
THE prices at which Chocolate is retailed to small boys range very
low. It has been ascertained that as many as four large cigars of
the material so called have been bought tor a penny. Dirt cheap.
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI [FEBRUARY 17, 1872.
ADJUSTMENT.
Maude (to the Colonel from India). "UNCLE, WHY DON'T YOU WEAK THIS CHIGNON ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD !" ! !
" FROM WHIP TO M. F. H."
(BRAND soliloquises.)
So our old M. F. H. from his post is retiring !
Well — good luck attend the good fellow, say I :
May my temper and tact find the Hunt as admiring,
When my time for the meet and the saddle 's gone by !
At least 'tis a comfort, when on one's promotion
From Whip in St. Stephen's to Master, to know
That the man for the place, in the Hunt's John Bull notion,
Is the man who the steadiest and straightest can go.
Who the coolest in crushes, the blandest in blocks is,
Who alike through the busiest or blankest of days
Meets the babble of puppies, and dodging of foxes,
With the same pleasant face, the same straightforward ways.
Who, though mild as a rule, knows the time and the season
To be sharp on a skirter, or down on a snob ;
Who can double-thong, too, when for whipcord there 's reason,
And then holds as one novus homo and nob,
Who, when hounds are at fault, makes his cast to a moral,
And when the right line they have hit, keeps them straight ;
Counters temper with tact, in the seed nips a quarrel,
And is wide-awake still, be it never so late.
The toil of the life no one knows till he 's led it ;
Of that Hunt to be Master is task for a Man ;
For one of the two packs I whipped, with some credit,
And know what the work is, if anyone can.
I 'd enough on my hands, with the pack I was whip to ;
Those that whipped for the other will tell you the same :
But a fellow may walk nose in air, and a-tiptoe,
Who to govern both packs, and their whips, is thought game !
The Kennel can count many cross-grained subscribers,
With the wit to be " nasty," and more with the will ;
But in spite of both screws and snobs, bullies and bribers,
The Hunt takes its tone from its gentlemen still.
Well, here 's luck ! May I manage as well as the Master
Whom the Hunt has just wished its good-speed and good-bye ;
For the raws I may cause good intentions prove plaster,
Till as lightly the mace as the whip I can ply !
URGENT APPEAL.
WE are told that on the day the QUEEN goes to St. Paul's, the
usual ceremony will be observed of the LORD MAYOR opening the
gates of Temple Bar and presenting the Sword to HER MAJESTY.
We implore the City authorities to have the gates well washed and
scrubbed for the occasion, if they do not wish to see their Lord
Mayor with distressingly dirty hands. Our recommendation might
have gone as far as a pair of new portals, if we had not remembered
that the Bar itself will probably be removed before the present
generation has altogether died out — or, rather, when the New Law
Courts are finished.
Dealings with. Dutchmen.
OUR friend MYNHEER votr DUNK says, " England desires Cura^oa
and Surinam." Not exactly, MYNHEEH. As regards Curacpa, we
won't say. It is very desirable, though we much prefer Pallida
Brandia. But Surinam, certainly not. That produces nothing, we
believe, but the most execrable toad in the world, the nastiest of all
the genus called Nastikreechia. We gave you Surinam in exchange
for New York, in 1774. Would you like that back again in exchange
for any other colonies ?
CHAMBER Music." — Baby !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— FEBRUARY 17, 1872.
THE OLD 'WHIP."
Hox. HiontT BEASD (the New Speaker), " MY DEAR LORD OSSINGTON, YOUR ADVICE IS EXCELLENT. BUT
RATHER LIKE 'LATE HOURS;' AND AS .TO THE 'BORES,' I FLATTER MYSELF AN OLD 'WHIP 'KNOWS
WHAT TO DO WHEN THE 'BABBLERS GIVE TONGUE'!!"
FEBRUARY 17, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
73
A GOLDEN BRIDGE.
M
R PUNCH considering it his duty to step forward at the present moment, and to suggest an easy and honourable arrangoment
of the American question, has prepared the following Schedule of English Claims for Compensation. It is manifest that
they are all absolutely just, and he is sure that the American Government will admit that fact. Therefore, all that remains to be done
is this Let MR HAMILTON Frsn append his signature, and the words "All right" (he may add "old hoss," or not, as he may
think the American nation would desire) and then the two Governments have but to exchange receipts for their respective claims.
HEK MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT CLAIM COMPENSATION
For twenty years of violent abuse poured upon England by the New York Ilerald, in the interest of Slavery and up to the
data when the Editor of that paper was informed that he murt really bo hanged if he would not desist from trauon to
the United States . .
For limilar abuse, in nobody's interest in particular, »ince the above d«U>
For encouraging the Fenians, and putting Canada in dread of a Fenian invasion
For permitting the Irish American press to abu»e England
For inducing many persons in England to use the word "reliable "instead of "trustworthy"
For allowing MR. G. F. THAIS (our enemy) to be out of a lunatic asylum
For the u«e of the work« of ancient English authors from WILLIAM SHAK-PBARB downwards, and for calling them American
authors
For piracy on Modern English authors, and for not calling a great many of them American authors
For spoiling a great number of decent second-rate English actors, and sending them home with the idea that they were
KKANS and KEMBLBS
For insulting the King's or Queen's English by speaking it, for fifty years, nasally
For eclipsing the harmless gaiety of nations by suddenly stopping the supply of capital nigger stories, which have now entirely
ceased .,......»•«••••••••• • •
For outraging humanity by not annexing Mexico, and putting an end to its atrocities
For putting us under an obligation by the graceful return of that Arctic Vessel. " Thy Love is w»rth ....
For attempting to destroy the monarchical principles of H.R.H. the PRIKCB OF WALK, by treating hies, with so much kind-
ne»s and hospitality that H.R.H. wai induced to think well of Republicans •
For persuading M.UIKMOMELLK NH.SSOX to leave London for America, and for still detaining that oongrtresj
For inventing HBEH BRBITM.VNN, instead of leaving to some Englishman the honour of inventing him . . • . .
For incessantly re-producing pictures from Punek, and never acknowledging their source .
Tku it our Bill.
£ I. d.
0 « 2)
000}
000)
0 0 o]
20,000,000 0 0
0 0 G
100,000,000 0 0
100,000,000 0 •
9 7 6t
20,000,000 0 0
1,000,000 0 0
100,000,000 0 0
1,000,000 00"
100,000,000 0 0
100,003 0 0
100,000 0 0
No oharge
£442,200,000 8 41
EVENINGS FBOM HOME.
EARLY on the following morning it arrived at TOMMY'S turn to .
appear before the worthy Magistrate. His courage had been uncon- j
querable, but having had to yield to fortune, he had passed the
night in one of the cells attached to the court. His nose was much
swollen, while his eyes presented the appearance of a well-used
painter's pallet. His hair was matted, he was daubed with mud
from head to foot, and his face and hands were as black as those of
any chimney sweeper.
The Magistrate inquired what was the matter, and TOMMY
listened in amazement to the charge brought against him of being
inebriated, and in that state assaulting the constables.
Tommy. Sir, it is in vain to expect veracity from 'those whose
interest it is to magnify their own importance at the expense of the
characters of their neighbours.
The Magistrate. Is, then, what the constable asserts untrue ?
Tommy. Indeed, Sir, it is. And I protest I am vastly surprised
at the statement which he has placed before your Lordship.
The Magistrate smiled at this, and after informing TOMMY that
he need not call him his Lordship (which TOMMY, for his part, pro-
tested he must do), advised him to be more careful for the future
how he attempted to thrash people who, though poor and ragged,
might be bigger than himself.
The Magistrate. Before you meddle with any person, you should
make yourself acquainted with his nature and disposition, otherwise
you may fare like the Athenian philosopher, who, in attempting to
extract the honey from the hive was stung to death by the bees ;}
or like the Scandinavian warrior, who, when bathing, attached a
strong hook to his leg, in the expectation of thereby catching a
shark, but who was himself devoured by the very fish for whom he j
planned this snare.
Tommy. I thank your Majesty for the two admirable illustrations j
which you have just given me, and I promise for the future to use
more discretion in my treatment of the inferior creation.
He now expected his dismissal, but the excellent Magistrate
observed that it was necessary for MASTER TOMMY either to defray
the costs of this public trial with a sum of money amounting to
forty shillings, or be given into the custody of the Gaoler, thence-
forth to be transmitted for seven days to an adjacent prison.
At this moment MR. BARLOW entered the Court, and addressing
the Magistrate, said, " Sir, no one can tell, howsoever secure his
present situation may appear, how soon it may alter, and he may
have occasion for the compassion of those who are now far below
him. To be armed against the prejudices of the calculating in-
firmarian, and to extinguish real merit with those splendid vices
which pass current in what is called Society, is, your Worship, one
of the most difficult of problematical fallacies. What are the
effulgences of justice but an ever-opposing law of rotation, formid-
able in effect, distempered in extirpation, and sometimes so inophate
that the noblest results of ungovernable fashion are but the inex-
haustible products of a sublime and inarticulate resistance."
At this part of MB. BARLOW'S address, HARRY, who had accom-
panied their revered tutor into Court, and had with difficulty
restrained his tears, now burst out into such a fit of crying, and the
Magistrate himself, and all the constables, were so much affected,
that MR. BARLOW told them that perhaps he had better leave off for
the present, and allow them to proceed to some other case. But the
worthy Magistrate, upon whom the forcible arguments, and the
majestic oratory of MR. BARLOW had combined to produce a marvel-
lous change, now expressed his desire to hear somewhat more from
him on similar subjects, and he proposed, therefore, to hand over
him, and his beloved pupil, to the guardianship of the Governor of
Clerkenwell until their reappearance was required at the Court.
TOMMY, who had so lately been the admiration of the brilliant
circle in which he found himself placed, now appeared to have lost
all his vivacity ; his eyes were involuntarily turned to the ground,
and silent melancholy and dejection were visible in his face.
The Magistrate remarked with sincerest pleasure these signs of
humility and contrition, and MR. BARLOW, taking this opportunity,
said, " Sir. the passion for revenge, which marks the character of all
uncivilised nations, is certainly to be condemned. The widest rivers
need the biggest bridges. The noise of musketry is no certain sign
of benevolence. The copious draught may be spilt in vain, and the
trammels of a perverse Society can never t>e for any length of time
mistaken for the bandages of inefficient cultivation. I perceive,
Sir, from the attention with which you have listened to my
discourse, that you have never heard the story of Zeno and
the Voluptuous Weathercock. Know then, Your Worship ;"
Here the Magistrate, who could no longer repress the stirring
emotions of his mind, sprang up from the bench in a sudden trans-
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(FEBRUARY 17, 1872.
^
SEVERE ON THE PIANISTES.
Cousin Lizzy. " I DON'T THINK, COUSIN JOB, WE WERB WALTZING IN TIME."
Cousin Joe. "THINK so? PERHAPS NOT, IP YOU WERE KEEPING TIME TO THE BASS, AS I KNOW I WAS KEEPING TIME TO THK
TREBLE."
port of admiration, and addressing ME. BAELOW and his two pupils
by name, said, " You have the noblest minds that ever adorned any
human beings, and as for ME. BABIOW, he appears to me to be a
more eligible friend and companion than noblemen or princes. If
the Linkman, the unworthy cause of this happy meeting, were here,
no punishment that severity could inflict would be too great for so
contemptible a creature. I have the greatest desire to hear the
story to which you have just alluded ; but, alas! the necessities of
my position constrain me to certain official duties, to the discharge
of which I must now proceed. However," added the Magistrate
quickly, on perceiving that MB. BAELOW was about to deliver him-
self of some further observations, " I will order you a certain sum
from the poor-box, and the constables will now receive my strict
orders to see you, Sir, and your two young friends safely bestowed
outside the doors of this Court. Clerk, call the next case."
Ma. BAKLOW and MASTER HAEET and TOMMY were now ushered
by four constables into a separate apartment, where they each re-
ceived a shilling apiece, and were then led to the door, and shown
politely into Bow Street before either of the three had time to ofler
a single observation.
On their return to their lodgings in the Strand, TOMMY thanked
ME. BAELOW heartily for his assistance, without which, he said, he
could however have got on much better.
It now hecame a matter of consideration as to how they could best
lay out the three shillings with which their good fortune had so
unexpectedly enriched them.
Harry, I would expend the sum in goose and champagne.
Mr. Barlow. Good. And how would you lay out your shilling ?
Tommy. Nay, then, I protest for my part that I am vastly
inclined towards oysters and gingerbeer.
Mr. Barlow. You are, indeed, an epicure. But suppose we do
really partake of these luxuries, not in our lodgings, but in a
magnificent Palace ?
Tom and Harry. Where may that be, Sir ?
Mr. Barlow. At Sydenham.
Harry. I understand, then, Sir, that you allude to the Crystal
Palace, to which the admission is, I see by the papers, only One
Shilling.
Mr. Barlow. You are, indeed right.
Tommy. Could not I and HABBY enter the Palace for Sixpence
a-piece, or could we not creep in unperceived by some opening,
so that we should then still have our Two Shillings remaining to us
for some other diverting purpose.
Ma. BABLOW explained to nis two young friends that this method
of procedure was, he had found by experience, wellnigh imprac-
ticable, except at such risk to the clothes as would render enjoyment
impossible, and a tailor's assistance a necessary expense.
Mr. Barlow. I think your proposition, TOMMY, a singularly
foolish one.
Tommy. Oh, Sir, I am sad to think yon should consider me foolish.
Mr. Barlow. Tell me, my young friend, had you rather look as
great a fool as you are, or be as great a fool as you look ?
Tommy. Indeed, Sir, I protest that, for my part, I would be con-
tent to look as great a fool as I am (because I should then appear
not in any way foolish or absurd) ; but I should indeed be grieved
either to look, or to be, as great a fool as, Sir, it is agreed on all
hands, you are."
MB. BABLpw, who had a good stick in his hand, and was a man
of an intrepid character, bade TOMMY remain quiet for one instant,
and was approaching his pupil with a pleasing smile on his coun-
tenance, when HABBY, interfering, reminded him that TOMMY was
greatly improved in courage and the use of his limbs, and that on
the other night he had proved himself so resolute an antagonist, that
had not fortune been adverse, the Linkman would have been
worsted by TOMMY'S impetuosity, and that with so recent an
experience, one blow from his young pupil's fist might successfully
level him with the earth.
To this MB. BAELOW replied that to hurt TOMMY seriously, or
indeed attack him in any way, had never been his intention, and
that as they now seemed, to be in a favourable humour, he would at
once proceed to relate to them the story of Hamet and the Languid
Blacksmith.
FEBRUARY 17, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
75
A BROAD HINT.
Baby (solemnly : he hat been left at Grandmamma's for a fev> hour», and begins to
find it rather "slow.") "GKAN'MA' ! 1 WASN'T TO EAT TOO MITCH PLUM CAKB." 1 1
[Orandmammi feels the rebuke, and rings the bell.
THE STATE AND THE SACK.
Lo ! DEKISON , by length of prate
Fatigued, vacates the Speaker's place —
He waives that Pension from the State,
Wont to reward the long-borne Ma
Blest with the fortune, which will let
Him live the rest of honoured years,
In state to suit the Coronet
Which he shall wear 'mongst England's Poem.
Yet other Speakers may succeed,
Too poor the stipend to forego,
Of service good the rightful meed ;
Then, lest a precedent should grow,
For form's sake, he who doth not lack
His Pension might he pot still take,
And to the country pay it back,
In ways not few to hud or make ?
Ah, no ! The Labourer may be,
Whilst labouring, worthy of his hire ;
Nought more, when used up, worth is he —
Let him to beggary retire.
The Speaker's Chair, 'tis not more hard
To leave, and 1 se outright all pay,
Than, from employ in a Dockyard,
In like sort to be turned away.
And he who now resigns that Chair,
You heard our P.itriot Premier state,
His country will not cause to bear
A burden of the lightest weight.
Virtue severe, that self denies,
Henceforth renounces e'en its due ;
And Ministers may sacrifice
Their own retiring pensions too.
Expelled.
" THE Elimination of Alcohol " was the title of a
paper lately read before the Royal Society. If by elimi-
nation we are to understand expulsion, the Publicans
have indeed cause to be out of spirits, for the trial *nust
be going against them, when such an eminent body as
the Royal Society gives its attention to what looks very
like a proposition for turning that unruly spirit, Alcohol,
out-of-doors.
ODGER BENEATH NELSON.
THE Republican or Idiotic portion of the London Mob held a
nuisance-meeting, on Monday night last week, in. Trafalgar Square.
The special object of this concourse was to make a menacing " de-
monstration " on behalf of licentious disloyalty of speech, especially
as associated with the name of a recreant Barrow-Knight— as many
of those who sympathise with him spell his title.
This assemblage presented some remarkable features. According
to report :—
"The base and front of Nelson's Pillar facing the National Gallery were
taken possession of, early in the evening, by larife bodies of men, wearing
pieces of white ribbon in their button-holes. These men w«T« effectual,
during the proceedings, in keeping off any pressure from without."
Have the Odgerists and Dilkeites, then, renounced and changed
their colours P Meeting under the protection of men with white
ribbons in their button-holes, they puzzle us. Red ribbons we
could understand. White is the Legitimists' colour. The Inter-
nationals appear less tenacious of their flag than the COUNT DE
OHAMBOBD is of his. How odd, too, was the employment of Repub-
licans in white ribbons to keep off pressure from without, for the
benefit of a rabble met on purpose to exert it on the Legislature and
the Government !
As usual at these displays, intended, however, to create terror and
alarm, and not amusement : —
"The various Republican clubs, with their Republican flags and banners
and mottoes, and caps of Liberty, and music, assembled at certain given points,
and marchtd to the place of meeting through the crowded streets."
Of course. The caps of Liberty were certainly very becoming —
•would have been perfectly so with the addition of artificial ears and
llrlls.
MK. ODGER appeared in front of Nelson's Pillar at about eight
o'clock. As if to exhibit the contrast between the Shoemaker at the
base and the Statue on the summit —
" A few minutes before that hour the lime-light was called into requisition.
The arrangements for the representative* of the Pre«s were anything but
satisfactory."
Perhaps the satisfaction of the Representatives of the Press was
little contemplated in making arrangements for producing an effect
meant to tell more particularly on the Representatives of the People.
When the " lime-light was called into requisition," — by which the
Representative of the Press means when it was turned on, — a
Member of the Stock Exchange present (if curiosity could have
attracted any presumably so respectable a man to such an assembly),
may possibly have been moved to remark that a light was now
thrown on the subieot. Then he laid himself open to be rebuked
for his unhappy vulgarism, and told that the lime-light was meant
to illuminate not any subject, but only citizens.
GHOSTLY TRAVELLING.
MB. PUWCH,— The hair on my head is still erect. My flesh yet
creeps. No wonder. I have jnst been reading of some experiments
with "a Fairlie double Bogie locomotive engine." "A double
bogie ! " I should have thought one amply sufficient to arouse the
wildest terror. But two— I am fairly staggered by this duplication
of horrors, and shall take good care to avoid the line on which such
awful machines are allowed, especially in the night time.
A NERVOUS MAN.
Conscience in Han.
THE Manx Legislature has passed an Education Bill inclndin? a
Conscience Clause. It is gratifying to think that the lower orders
of Man can afford to keep a conscience.
76
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [FEBRUARY 17, 1872.
IRISH GALLANTRY.
YOUNG REGINALD PARRY, AN ENGLISH OFFICER QUARTERED IN LIMF.RICK, is SEEING THE MISSES VAVASOUR, TWO OF THE LIMERICK
BELLES, HOME ACROSS THB TOLL-BRIDGE. HE OFFERS THE TOLL-KEEPER HIS MONEY.
Toll-Keeper. " 0, CAPTAIN, DO YOU THINK IT'S so MANE I'D BE AS TO TAKE THE TOLL OF YOU WHEN YOU'RE AFTHER GOIN" OUT
OF YER WAY TO ESCORT THB YoUNG LADIES HOME ? SURE, THIN, I 'M NOT SUCH AN INFERIOR BASTE AS THAT ! "
ATHLETIC INTELLIGENCE.
ON Monday last week a leading article on the great football match
between Scotch and English, then to come off at Kennington Oval,
appeared in the Morning Post. On "time" being called, during
an interval in the contest, as the players were walking about toge-
ther, an Englishman of their number mentioned that notice to a
Scot, remarking, that, as the Post was specially the fashionable
newspaper, football had evidently now come to be recognised as a
game which our grandfathers would have called " quite the kick."
When the sport was over, ARCHIBALD (not to say SAWNEY), again
foregathering with his antagonist, burst out laughing.
PUBLIC MONEY AND LAND.
THE Dutch people are in great indignation because the KING OP
THE NETHERLANDS has sold certain Possessions and Protectorates on
the West Coast of Africa to QUEEN VICTORIA. Is it possible that, j
in any dealing with foreigners, the British Government have got the !
best of a bargain ? The British Public, perhaps, would like to know
whether, if the Ministers of the Crown can afford to buy land on the
Guinea Coast, they cannot afford to refrain from selling Crown
Lands in the New Forest and elsewhere, heretofore accessible, for i
enjoyment and recreation, to the People of England.
For the Fourteenth..
' IT is perhaps hazardous to attempt to limit the rhyming capa-
bilities of any word in the English language, with such a wonder-
working magician as MR. BROWNING amonirst us, but it is believed
that there is but one rhyme to be found to Valentine. It is no con-
tempt of Court to say the Claimant knows it well.
DETUR PULCHRIORIBUS.
SPEAKUTG in a debate at a recent meeting on the "Woman's Suf-
frage question, Miss EMILY FAITIIFULL is reported to have attributed
our Premier's inclination towards the acknowledgment of the
political rights of women to the evidence of their increasing self-
dependence afforded by the Census. That Census has very likely
impressed MR. GLADSTONE a great deal in their favour. It is pro-
bable, however, that he has been still more powerfully influenced by
that communis sensus which forms so large an element in his mental
constitution. Common sense must have taught MR. GLADSTONE
that if the Roughs are fit to have votes, so still rather are the softer
sex ; and that, inasmuch as the elective franchise has been conceded
to the working-men at large, it cannot be consistently withheld
from the better half of our own flesh and blood.
Aerial Borne.
THE Correspondent of a contemporary, writing from Rome with
reference to the architectural improvements there in contemplation,
observes that the new quarters of the city are as yet in nubibus. The
POPE, therefore, were he minded to promulgate a Bull which would
edify the Irish College, might declare the new buildings designed by
the Italian Government at Rome Chateaux en Espagne ; or, if
Infallibility had rather be accurate, he might define them castles in
the air.
A PROVEIB COURTLIFIED.
MR. DISRAELI said on Tuesday that everybody in the House of
Commons was acquainted with the PRINCE OF WALES, and his excel-
lent qualities. This shows that H. R. H. is, in a happy sense, the
Heir with Many Friends.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. Si. Holford Spun, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the Count; of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Mean*. Hradbary, Braaa, &Oo..LovtHhru
Street, in the Precinct of Wbitefrlars, in the Cltj of London, and Published by him at No. M, Fleet Street, la the Pansl of St. Bride, Oitf of London.— SirumciT .Feoruary 17, 1872.
FEBRUARY 24, 1872 ]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
" CHAFF."
Apple-Stall Keeper (to the Boys). " Now, THEN, WHAT ABB YOU GAPING AT ?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ?" Street Boy. " NOTHIN'."
Apple-Stall Keeper. " THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF ! "
Street Boy. " VERY WELL : WRAP IT UP FOR us IN A PIECE o' PAPKK ! " [Bolts.
A LARK TO THE LATINS.
WHAT a joke, ye Latin Nations,
What a spectacle for you,
That of British complications
Grave, with Yankee Doodle Doo !
See those Anglo-Saxon races,
Bloodshed much as they abhor,
Flying at each other's faces,
Like enough to go to war.
They who scorned your laurels gory,
Deemed your blood-won prestige vain,
They, who will not tight for glory,
Are prepared to figjit for gain.
Not for Cause, or Faith, or Colour ;
No, those men of common sense !
But for the Almighty Dollar ;
Yes ; for base pounds, shillings, pence.
Hard as working bees toil, honey
Hoarding, so completely they
Gave their minds to making money,
Which in war will Hee away.
To make money of each other
Striving still, they disagree.
Brother at the throat of brother,
For his money may we see !
Plutus is their god of battle,
Money is their battle-cry,
They for money slave like cattle ;
Wolves, at strife like, let them die.
Heretics and blood-relations
Then, more brutal and more blind,
Than the faithful Latin Nations,
More will also shame their kind.
An Extensive Concern.
FOB comprehensiveness, for enterprise, for pleasing
variety, for an amiable desire to suit different tastes, we
can confidently recommend a new company just an-
nounced, with the elastic title of " Church Bank Mill
Cotton Spinning." A Society which embraces in its
operations a Church, a Bank, a Mill, and a Cotton
Spinning concern cannot fail to be appreciated, and to
command the success which attends all undertakings
based on broad and liberal principles.
MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCES.
IN the Medium, Spiritualist paper, the following story is related
hy a lady in a letter attested with her name. A certain clergyman
being her guest, she says : —
" Every time we sat at dinner we had not only spirit-voices talking to us,
but spirit-hands touching us ; and last evening, as it was his farewell, they
gave us a special manifestation, unasked for and unlocked for. He sitting at
the right hand of me, a vacant chair opposite him began moving, and, in
answer to whether it would have some dinner, said ' Yes. I then asked it to
select what it would take, when it chose 'eroqwtt de* pommel dt ierre (a
French way of dressing potatoes, about three inches long and two wide. I
will send you one that you may see it). I was desired to put this on the
chair, either in a tablespoon or on a plate. I placed it in a tablespoon, think-
ing that probably the plate might be broken. IB a few seconds I was told
that it was eaten, and looking found the half of it gone, with the marks
showing the teeth."
This, in our great-grandfathers' time, would have been said by
buffoons, of whom there were some even then, to have been a "bite
indeed. In a still worse vein of ribaldry, the chair's potato-eating
will perhaps be represented as the act of some invisible chairman, or
charwoman, notwithstanding that the latter would naturally, even
though in a supernatural way, have asked for plain 'tatnrs, if she
had not preferred fried onions. But, seriously, may not the morsel
of savoury potato, eaten, in a chair and under a table, have possibly
been eaten by the cat ? Many of our readers, if not of the Medium's,
will peradventure discern a confirmation of this surmise in the con-
clusion of the letter which contains the above anecdote :—
"Should any party have a gentleman's hat, liqueur bottle with silver
stopper, also a small china tea-pot, which do not belong to them, I should be
very glad to receive them, as they were taken from my house last Sunday
evening.- Yours faithfully, ,. CATH BERRT."
Every housekeeper, if not every lodger, well knows that the cat is
capable of running away with lobsters — or anything. MRS. BERBY
may consider whetner the spirits are really so likely to be snappers-
up of unconsidered trifles as the cat is. At some future stance ahe
will perhaps find that the cat has walked off with a walking-stick or
an umbrella, or if not the cat, that Something has. or Somebody.
If, instead of Somebody, it is some spirit out of the body, that dis-
appears with property, of course it can be of no use for her to count
her spoons before sitting down with a " circle " to a stance. Looking,
however, to the probability of missing some of them thereafter, she
might do well to secure the attendance of a Detective in plain
clothes, because although the spirits who " know all mortal conse-
quents " would penetrate his disguise and elude his grasp, for the
incorporeal is not to be collared, yet seances, some of them, do seem
attended with manifestations which might constitute cases for
Sessions.
A Part for the Premier.
IT is not generally supposed that MB. GLADSTONE has any peculiar
aptitude which, were he a comedian, would especially qualify him
to play Sir John Falstaff. But there is one speech of Falstaff 's
which it may be imagined that our PREMIER, with certain late pro-
motions and a particular remonstrance on one of them, in his mind,
would deliver with full expression : — "Happy are they which have
been my friends ; and woe unto my Lord Chief Justice ! "
Foreign Affairs.
MBS. MALAPBOF is anxious to know whether this Don Juan
Question between England and America has anything to do with
poor LOKD BYBON.
VOL. LUI.
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI. ^[FEBRUARY 24. 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
HE usual formality
of Dignifying the
Sovereign's appro-
bation of a new
SPEAKEB was gone
throughinthe House
of Lords, on Mon-
day, February 12,
and Ma. BBAND
made the accus-
tomed request that,
should he fall into
error, the blame
might rest on him
alone, and not on
HER MAJESTY'S
faithful Commons.
The SPEAKER re-
turned to the latter,
informed them of
his acceptation, and
retired, to appear in
official costume. We
doubt not that he
will do his govern-
ing with due gentle-
ness ; but we will
hint, from BYBON'S
Corsair, that on
needful occasion
Punch would say —
" Be the edge sharpened of my bored old BRAND."
Not that he is old, being in the prime of life, for he was born in 1814. As the late EOBEET
BROUGH wrote of another person —
" We only say Old BRAND for fun.
He may be young and hearty —
Not twenty-five for aught we know ;
We never saw the party."
That, however, would be another falsehood, did Mr. Punch speak in proprid persona.
They have heard the Chimes at Midnight together many a time and oft.
ME. GETEVE— the "Judicious Grieve" mentioned in Hamlet— very properly asked MR.
LOWE why he would not aid the expedition about to go in search of DK. LIVINGSTONE. ME.
LOWE objected to being asked for reasons, but gave several, of the most unconvincing kind.
Asked by SIR J. ELPHOTSTONE whether he knew that DR. LIVINGSTONE was our Consul-
General in the region where he is supposed to be— a question involving a grave consideration
— ME. LOWE did not reply.
On the Second Reading of the Royal Parks and Gardens Bill, which is intended to protect
the public and the animals from roughs, ill or well dressed, ME. VERNON HAHCOURT
denounced it as tyrannical ; but a good deal of fun was made of his heroics by Members
with practical knowledge on the subject. There is no interference with Meetings, but they
are to be held under regulations. ME. ATRTON defended the Bill ably, and the House voted
the Second Reading by 183 to 36.
Lately, sundry Telegraph Clerks struck, and wished all their brethren to do the same.
To promote this object, some of them in the country furnished newspaper correspondents
with the information, which was not true, that the strike was becoming prevalent. The
whole public service might have been stopped but for the courage of MR. SCTOAMORE,
who delayed some telegrams. He has been assailed for this, and Mr. Punch would have
assailed him also with the most merciless fury, but for the conviction that, in the special
circumstances, ME. SCTTDAMORE did a laudable act. The inviolability of telegrams and
other communications is a thing Mr. Punch would fight for like twenty thousand Fiends,
but for public servants to use public wires for the confusion and discomfiture of the public
is another matter. If Mr. Punch caught his servant at the Sacred Desk, using the Immortal
Monogram paper, and scrawling, " Come and break Master's winders," it is possible thai
the domestic might not be entirely pleased with the result. When the Cabmen struck,
everybody wanted to hang them, but their strike was far lees a nuisance than the throw-
ing the telegraphs out of gear would have been. A pedantic adherence to rule by MR
SCPBAMOBE, and people might have been unable to hurry to their dying friends, or to
summon physicians, and all because some clerks wanted more salary. The POSTMASTER-
GENERAL had not the courage to say this, when the excellent Member for Westminster
MR. W. H. SMITH, called on him to-day for a certain explanation, and therefore Mr
J'l/nrk says it for MB. MONSELL.
A Mines Bill and a Scotch Education Bill have been put before Parliament. The on
seems to have merit. Wad we hae the presumption to understand the tither ?
On the same evening it was the
painful duty of the SECRETARY FOE
INDIA, in the Lords, and of the
PEEMIEE, in the Commons, to an-
nounce that, on the night of the 8th
instant, the EARL OF MAYO, Her
Majesty's Viceroy in India, had
been assassinated at Port Blair, in
the Andaman Islands, by a Mahom-
medan convict who was incarcerated
for murder. Here, no other observa-
tion on the melancholy news should
be made, except that those who had
to state it did so in the most be-
coming manner, and that the brief
responses of the DUKE or RICHMOND
and of MR. DISRAELI were touching
from the simple sincerity with which
they alluded to their lost friend.
Tuesday.— The LORD OSSINGTON, hereto-
fore ME. SPEAKER DESISON, took his seat
among the Peers.
MR. GLADSTONE gave a most wonderful
explanation of what he had done about the
Rectory of Ewelme. The law provided that
t should be held by a member of the Con-
vocation of Oxford, and MR. GLADSTONE
gave it to a gentleman who was nothing of
;he sort, but the PREMIKR told him to get
limself qualified ; and " If he has not done
;his, so much the worse for him," said the
PREMIER, pleasingly. Mr. Punch rather
admires the growing spirit of contempt for
;he mere words of Acts of Parliament.
Certain Sanitary Acts, on which strong-
minded women expatiate publicly, but on
which Mr. Punch's readers may not desire
to find much disquisition in his pages, are
being modified by the Government, in
obedience to agitation by noisy and ignorant
persons, and some persons who should know
better than to talk nonsense. He must note
this — and passes on.
Wednesday. — The Commons were engaged
on a Bill regarding the Burial of Dissenters.
They wish to have a right to be buried in
the Church-Yards of the Establishment,
with any ceremonies they may choose, or
none. Apart from the general principle,
there is affectation of belief that Noncon-
formists, bringing the remains of their
relatives or friends to be laid in the earth
would take the opportunity of delivering
invectives against Church doctrines. As we
said on some former occasion of the kind,
" When will Englishmen understand one
another?" The Bill was read a Second
Time by 179 to 108, but of course will not
at present become law.
TJiursday. — The COLLIER night in the
Lords. This was a good night, and one to
be remembered. A Lord Chancellor was
baited ; and, though it was about as great
a shame as the baiting the gentle old Lion,
Nero, at Warwick, some years ago, it must
be owned that there was sport. Posterity,
you are rather a bore, my son. Everybody
now extant knows what the question was,
but you may be puzzled, and we suppose
that we must tell you about it. Listen.
By a law of last Session it was decreed
that no person should be placed on the
Judicial Committee of the Privy Council
unless he had been a Judge. It was
wished to place SIB ROBKKT COLLIER,
Attorney-General, on the said Committee,
so he was made a Judge of Common Pleas
for a few days. This gave him the quali-
FEBRUARY -'4, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CJIA KIVART.
79
fication. and then he was elevated. People think this an evasion
of the law, and the Chief Justice of the Queen's Bench, SIR
AI.IA 4M>i:i: Cot'KiiuRN, not only thought so, but said so, in a very
strong letter to the CHANCELLOR. The latter and his colleagues
reserved their defence till Parliament should meet.
To-night LORD STANHOPE stated the case against Ministers, and
of course did so in the temperate and judicial manner to be ex-
pected in a nobleman who writes History, and writes it admirably.
LORD POIITM \.v. Lord Warden of the Stannaries (from itaimunt, tin,
if any lady wants a glossary— and there have been Stannary Courts
in lie von and Cornwall for ages), a nobleman born 1799, and to-
night designated by LORD SAI.ISJIURY a« " a cautions old man"
(his motto is "./ ('/run Ili'iirt and a Cheerful Spin* "^defended
the Government, and praised Mu. GLADSTONE a good deal. LORD
SAI.ISI;['UY was in great force, and " sadly satirical," as the ladies
say. But he did not wish to censure the Ministers in a way to
necessitate resignation, as just now we were floundering in mud
into which they had dragged us, and out of which it was their
business to get us.
Then two very "salvage knights" did battle. The DUIE OF
I called SIH A. CocKBUBir'l language " ribald," and I. OKI.
WKSIIIURY called the DCKE'S unjust, indecent, and a proof of
ignorance.
LORD HOMILY defended the CHANCELLOR, »ml then the OHA\-
PELLOR defended himself. He mentioned a good many interesting
things, among them the fact that when at the Bar ho had never had
nn altercation with anybody ; that he was very proud of haying
done justice to BKALCS, M.A., of whom two Conservative lawyers
had spoken highly : that if he felt he had been guilty of anything
degrading he would go and settle in Australia [Australian papers,
please copy], and that he could not get anybody but SIR R. COLLIER,
who had consented " to take the other Judges' leavings." This
highly conclusive speech did not give LORD CAIRNS much chance of
showing his powers, but he managed to show that Government had
made themselves absurd in the face of the world.
LORD GR.VNVU.LE deprecated this sort of attack. Turn us out, if
you like, and if you can, but do not be always censuring us.
On division, the Ministers had a majority of Two. Bnt only 17(1
Peers voted. Nobody wants to do damage to the Cabinet just
now.
In the Commons, MR. GLADSTONE said that no final decisions had
been arrived at in regard to HER MAJESTY'S return route on the
Thanksgiving Day. On the same day the LORD CHAMBERLAIN had
announced, by a letter, that the Embankment route had been decided
(in tor a long time. Lastly, it was settled, and wisely, that the
Viaduct and Oxford Street route should be adopted, whereby there
will be great defeat of Roughdom, and the garden and trees of the
Embankment will be saved from destruction, besides that another
half million or so of the QUEEN'S decent subjects will be able to see
Her. But it is delightful to observe how well our Betters work
together.
Tli. TC was a Ballot Debate, but nobody was in earnest; and if
MR. DOWSE, the IrWi Solicitor, had not been exceedingly
humorous, the House would have been thinner than it was, and
this would have been difficult, for at one time there were only two
Members present. Mil. DOWSE said one thing that was wise as well
as witty, namely, that a man who had not changed his opinion for
thirty years could have no opinion worth anything. Hear that, old
Obstinates, who pique yourselves on having all your lives held the
same opinions. A Count was tried, but men laid down their cigars
(using evil language), and came in. The Bill was read a Second
Time by 109 to 51.
As a delicate attention to the new SPEAKBK, a little row was got
up, just to give him a chance of showing that he knew his business,
and he extinguished the strife with promptness.
MR. VI:RNOX HARCOURT was emphatic on the Algerine character
of the Parks Bill, and wanted to know why those who were " our
flesh, and blood "the other day were now called " roughs." MR.
AYRTON praised his own civility, and MR. Gi.Ai»To\h: deprecated
" the heroic style." You are not to laugh at your superiors, or quote
Quis tulerit t or" anything else that might be thought rude.
Friday.— The DUKE OK UICTIMOND reduced the Thursday majority
one-half ; that is, he discovered that the Government had only
supporters, not 8U. LORD SALISBURY said that two Lords had
been brought from Italy to vote. LORD GRAXVILLK wanted the
names of those Peers, as he would be very glad to see them.
It was announced in the Commons that the American Reply to
our " Friendly Communication " would come on the First of March.
'Tis the day of Saint David. May it be omen that our American
friend and Pistol means to " eat the Leek."
Those ill-treated Slaves, Coolies, and Jurymen, had their wrongs
pleaded. SIR JOHN CM.! I:II»;E has some pity for the latter, and
thinks of doing something for them. The Coolies must take things
as coolly as they can, but they are atrociously treated.
SECOND THOUGHTS ARE BEST."
BULL had'made terms for a match
With UNCLE SAM :
Glad the first fair chance to catch,
An old quarrel up to patch,
Without coming to the scratch
With UNCLK SAM.
Close kinship BULL must own
With UNCLE SAM :
The same breed in blood and bone,
By good points and bad they 're shown,
Both a leetle overgrown
In UNCLE SAM.
Among other points of BULL
In UNCLE SAM.
Debts to him he '11 have in full.
But his purse-strings asked to pull,
In his ears sticks cotton-wool,
Does UNCLE SAM.
Like BULL, hard to persuade
Is UNCLE SAM,
When once down the law he 's laid,
One word contra can be said,
That a moment should be weighed
By UNCLE SAM.
Like BULL, apt to forget
Is UNCLE SAM,
1 lules for others he has set,
He is somewhat given to let
A good deal broken get
By UNCLE SAM.
" With Jews deal like the Jews,"
Says UNCLE SAM.
" The best rule of play to use,
Is, if allowed to choose,
' Heads I win, and tails you lose.' "
'Cute UNCLE SAM!
So if BULL a game begin
With UNCLE SAM,
It could scarce be thought a sin,
If for his rule he brought in,
" Heads you lose, and tails I win,"
Eh, UNCLE SAM ?
But as Christian, not Jew,
Is UNCLE SAM,
While JOHN BULL is Christian, too,
Such sharp practice he '11 eschew,
And his cards play frank and true,
With UNCLE SAM.
Bnt if ere the first card 's played
With UNCLE SAM,
BULL finds blunders have been made,
As to what is to be paid,
Why to say so be afraid,
To UNCLE SAM ?
Whatever chance of row
With UNCLE SAM—
Who like BULL can't bear to bow —
Better deal with that chance now,
Than a minute's doubt allow
To UNCLK SAM.
As his stake BULL means to pay
To UNCLE SAM,
Should SAM win — as p'raps he may —
'Ere the game is under-weigh,
He must know for what they play —
He and SAM.
If BULL'S penny points seemed pounds
To UNCLE SAM—
Howe'er strange the blunder sotmds—
Better own it, than give grounds
For renewal of old rounds
With UNCLE SAM 1
That tee 're fools, 'tis hard to write
To UNCLE SAM ;
That his claims are Bletherumskite,
SAM mayn't relish owning quite —
But aught 's better than a tight
'Twixt BULL and SAX.
BULL has d d good-natured friends,
And so has SAM,
Who regret each feud that ends
In peaceable amends ;
Hail each scratch, to raw that tends,
'Twiit BULL and SAM.
But if JOHN BULL is wise
And UNCLE SAM,
They '11 not black each other's eyes,
But their honest friends surprise,
By proving no allies
Like BULL and SAM.
BULL is wise and strong enough —
So 's UNCLE SAM—
Though on points of honour tough,
Loud of speech, and even gruft' —
To feel talk of war sheer stuff
'Twiit BULL and SAM.
If we cannot fix our stake
With UNCLE SAM.
Let 's off match, and no mistake,
Nor such fools of ourselves make
As peace and heads to break —
Eh, UNCLE SAM?
80
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBBUARY 24, 1872.
HOBSON'S CHOICE.
Ethel. "ISN'T IT SAD, ARTHUB? THERE'S THE DRAWING-ROOM CLEARED FOR A DANCE, AND ALL THE DOLLS READY TO BEGIN,
ONLY THEY *VE GOT NO PABTNEB8 ! "
Arthur. " WILL, ETHEL! THERE'S THE FOBR GENTLEMEN IN MY NOAH'S ARK; RUT THEY DON'T LOOK AS IF THEY CARED VERY
MUCH ABOUT DANCING, YOU KNOW ! "
EARL OF MAYO, GOVERNOB-GENERAL OF INDIA.
Born in Dublin, Feb. 1, 1822. Assassinated at Port Blair,
Andaman Islands, Feb. 8, 1872.
" DEATH levels all ! "-Untruth ! half truth, at best :
Death, with his scythe and hour-glass, well might show
Touchstone and chemic tubes, wherewith to test
The qualities of those whom he lays low.
" Let nought but good be spoken of the dead " —
Happy the dead of whom that good is true :
And they most happy, on whose lifeless head
Death sets the crown which life proclaims their due.
Of whom, as they lie shrouded, stark and still,
Looking upon them in their marble sleep,
Men say, with bated breath—" We gauged him ill :
How large his worth, whom once we rated cheap ! "
Of these is he, for whom laid, sudden, low,
By darkling knife and brooding sense of wrong,
Truest regard sets genuine tears allow,
That from the roots of love well, swift and strong.
We took his gauge, as did the common fool :
By Report's shallow valuing appraised,
When from the Irish Secretary's stool
To the great Indian throne we saw him raised.
That throne, from whose height One had then stepped down,
Whom all revered, as Soldier, Statesman, Sage :
A stern, plain, King of men, within whose frown
No lie could live, who knew all work's due wage.
" Can dwarf," we asked, " in giant's armour fight ?"
Painted bis sovereignty as an eclipse
Enshrouding India in a sudden night ;
And most men's scorn, like ours, was on their lips.
How should the slight man nil the strong man's place ?
Rise from his small routine of petty toil,
A vast and various Empire's needs to face,
And move, unhampered by the mighty coil !
They gauged him better, those who knew him best ;
They read, beneath that bright and blithesome cheer,
The Statesman's wide and watchful eye, the breast
Unwarped by favour, and unwrung by fear :
The wit to choose, the will to do, the right ;
All the more potent for the cheerful mood
That made the irksome yoke of duty light,
Helping to smooth the rough, refine the rude :
Bidding the dusty paths of daily toil
With flowers of gladness and good-feeling glow ;
On rusty wards of office pouring oil,
Making work's hinges with strange smoothness go.
Nor for this cheeriness less strenuous shown.
All ear, all eye, he swayed his mighty realm :
Till through its length and breadth a presence known
Felt as a living hand upon the helm.
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10
FEBRUARY 24, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
83
All men spoke well of him, as most men thought,
! IITI; as in India, and his friends were proud :
It seemed as if no enmity he wrought,
But moved, love-girt, at home or in the crowd.
What, then, our woe and wonderment to hear
haa found way to this well-guarded life !
Love, Honour, State were there, but Hate, hid near,
N ruck through their triple shield with felon knife.
If true regret and true respect have balm
For hearts that more than public loss must mourn,
Tin v join to crown this forehead, cold and calm,
With laurel, well-won as was ever worn,
Only the greener that 'twas late to grow,
And that by sudden blight its leaves are shed :
Then, with thy honoured freight, sail, sad and slow,
0 ship, that bears him to his kindred dead !
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
ASTERS JlARRY SAlfDPORD
and TOMXY MKRTOIT,
with MR. BARLOW, visit
the CRYSTAL PALACE.
Tommy. Why, Sir, is it
called a Palace '(
Harry. Did you not
say, Sir, the other day,
that a Palace was a resi-
dence for Royal Person-
ages?
Mr. Barlow. Indeed,
my young friends, I did ;
and I confess myself un-
able to account, with any
degree of precision, for
this building having been
so styled, unless indeed
it were intended to convey
to the vulgar mind some no-
tion of its vast proportions.
Harry. I nave heard,
Sir, that it was opened by
the QUEEN.
Mr. Barlow. You are
right, HARRY; and the
worthy Archbishop in-
voked the blessing of
Heaven on this under-
taking, which was in-
tended to promote the
noblest purposes of recrea-
tion, to be combined with
instruction.
Hurry. The Shareholders, Sir, must have indeed experienced vast
gratification on that occasion ; and I protest, Sir, both for myself
and MASTER TOMMY, that we shall be vastly pleased at being now
able, under such especially exalted patronage, to witness a Panto-
mime, and a Ballet, which I perceive, Sir, form the chief attraction
at the Palace during this season of the year.
TOMMY now evinced considerable surprise and astonishment at all
he saw and heard. It seemed to him that ravishing strains of music
were proceeding from pianos in various parts of the building, craftily
concealed from view by various evergreen shrubs and artificial rock-
work. He could not overcome a certain impression of awe, which
at first prevented him from giving vent to his feelings in adequate
expressions of delight, and it was some space before he perceived
that there were any other persons in the Palace besides themselves.
TOMMY, who was of a bold and courageous disposition, now took
the lead, and had scarcely preceded his companions by a few steps,
when the attention of MR. BARLOW and HARRY was attracted to
their young friend, who uttered so loud an exclamation of terror as
to occasion considerable dismay to the occupants of a neighbouring
refreshment-stall.
On coming up with MASTER TOMMY, they found him standing
almost paralysed with affright in front of a group of the most hideous
savages, entirely naked, and armed with formidable weapons.
When they approached nearer, MR. BARLOW, who, though an
intrepid man, had been somewhat disconcerted by this unexpected
exhibition, discovered that the savages were, after all, only models
skilfully formed of wood.
TOMMY, who had never before seen anything like these creatures,
was now much surprised and entertained, and commenced to ask his
beloved tutor for some information respecting these outlandish
persons.
Mr. Barlow. They are a people totally unlike all you have been
accustomed to in London, and, indeed, I cannot consider without a
certain degree of admiration, the savage grandeur of man in his
most simple state.
Harry. I perceive, Sir, that these honest folks are accustomed to
very little clothing.
Mr. Barlow. They are, my dear HARRY, unacquainted with what
we. call the conveniences of life, and are utterly ignorant of running
accounts, bill-stamps, and the new procedure under the Bunkn
Act. But they dwell on the boundless prairies, where the finest
horses run about wild.
" Dear ! " said TOMKY, " that must be a fine country, indeed. I
would have a home for nothing."
MR. BARLOW now explained that, in order to do so, the art of
catching, and then of riding the horse when caught, were, in the
first place, absolutely necessary to be acquired.
TOMMY made no answer to this rebuke, but at once determined
that he would seize the first opportunity of cultivating these arts.
Harry. I think, Sir, that TOMMY is hungry.
Tommy. Indeed, I have fasted so long that I think I could eat
anything.
MR. BARLOW now summoned the waiter, who, with much civility,
desired the two little boys to seat themselves at one of the numerous
small tables near a screen representing the figures of all the Queens
and Kings of England. Thtir revered tutor now bade the honest
fellow to bring for himself and his two young friends a supply of
the most nourihhing food. MK. BARLOW contented himself with the
leg and wing of a cold fowl, accompanied by half a bottle of the
best Bordeaux, while TOMMY, who had hitherto enjoyed all the good
things of this life, entertained himself and HARRY with a variety of
cakes and agreeable liquors.
When they had thus finished one of the heartiest meals they had
ever made, they proceeded to inspect the amusements provided for
them.
They were, however, only in time to witness the last scene of the
Pantomime when the organ commenced playing, and MR. BARLOW
informed them that, if they wished to see the Aquarium by gaslight,
they could not in the whole evening find a more favourable oppor-
tunity.
TWimy. Sir, are there any whales in this Aquarium ?
Mr. Barlow. Your question reminds me of the story of Alfonto
and the Volatile New Zealander, which, as HARRY is acquainted
with it, I will tell you another time when we are alone. The whale,
however, will not be found in the Aquarium, it being somewhat too
large and cumbersome a creature for so restricted a space.
Tommy. If he cannot be exhibited (and I notice, Sir, that we are
charged Sixpence for our visit, and Sixpence more for the programme
which you requested me to purchase), of what use is the Whale ?
Mr. Barlow. He is eaten by the Greenlanders as a vegetable.
Tommy. But surely, Sir, a Greenlander is one who resides in a
land of greens ?
Harry. You will observe, Sir, that MASTER TOMMY wishes us to
remark nis diverting use of the word green.
Mr. Barlow. I am indeed gratified with this new proof of TOMMY'S
progress, and I do not doubt but that if he attends to the silent
workings of his mind, and adheres closely to the study of his gram-
mar and his dictionary, we shall, from time to time, remark, with
sincerest pleasure the improvement in his general conversation.
As the evening began to advance, the lights were turned on to the
full.
TOMKY now expressed the greatest admiration for the Codfish.
And indeed when their silvery scales were illuminated by a gaslight
from above, no spectacle could have been witnessed more gratifying
to the numerous spectators who had by this time assembled in the
Aquarium.
Tommy. Ah, Sir, the impressions I now feel are such as I shall
never forget. See. Sir, how happy these beautiful creatures appear,
and how admirably fitted they are both by their habits and dis-
positions for their present residence.
Mr. Barlow. Remember, then, my little friend, that, since chance,
not merit, too frequently allots the situation in which men are to
act, you should at least aim at appearing to all mankind as worthy
of the advantages you enjoy as do these members of the finny tribes
to the spectators whose moderate subscriptions go towards their
support. From the spectacle presented by this Aquarium, those
who have been placed in exalted positions may learn a valuable
lesson.
Harry. Indeed, Sir, that is very trne ; and what yon have just
said reminds me of the story of Arsaces and the Obitrious Athenian,
which, as TOMMY has not yet heard, I will proceed to tell him.
You must know, then, MASTER TOMMY
At this instant the Octopus issuing suddenly from its concealment,
displayed its form after so startling a manner that the crowd, who
had been up to this time vehemently pressing against the iron rail
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1872.
A VALENTINE TRAGEDY.
Bead of Select Establishment (awfully). " Miss MARY CAROLINE PSYCHE, THIS WAS FOUND UNDER YOUR PILLOW.— (Reads.)—' I do
avow that I am thine, 0 wilt thou be my Valentine ? — From your Spooney Cousin, G.' — SPOONSV COUSIN ! ODIOUS VULGARISM ! WHAT
WILL BECOME OF YOU— INDULGING IN SUCH PERILOUS AND DISREPUTABLE PRACTICES ? "
Miss Psyche. "PLEASE, Miss BACBOARD, A Spooy is INCLUDED IN THE LIST or ARTICLES REQUIRED BY PUPILS COMING TO THIS
ESTABLISHMENT."
in front of the glass case, now drew back in consternation, shrieking
aloud, and exclaiming that the Octopus had broken loose, and was
sallying forth to devour them.
Taking advantage of this momentary panic, MR. BARLOW and his
pupils placed themselves in front of the tank, close to the rail, and
n the best position for witnessing the gambols of the Octopus, which
MR. BARLOW now began to explain to nis young friends.
Mr. Barlow. You must know, then, that —
(This visit to be continued next time.]
HERETICAL HOAX.
WELL might His Holiness the POPE, in Consistory, addressing his
assembled Cardinals in an Allocution, have made the remarks sub-
oined and relative to the following telegram, which appeared the
other day in the Daily News : —
"ROME, Sunday.
"In consequence of the refusal of the KINO OP SPAIN to agree to the pro-
posals of the Holy See, the POPE has ordered the Spanish Biihops to oppose
.he Government at the forthcoming elections."
We cannot. Venerable Brethren, deplore with too great a super-
abundance of most sorrowful tears, the malicious, perfidious, mon-
strous, and altogether unheard-of fabrications, which, forged by the
nyeterate enemies of this Holy See, concerning Us, are daily trans-
mitted by the afar-off-writing instrument of instantaneous annun-
ciation, to the ends of the Earth, and especially to the flourishing
kingdom of England. To such a pitch of audacity have some of
hese impious wretches arrived, that they have not scrupled to belie
Js by the calumny that We, with a view to the attainment of Our
)wn ends, have been so far unmindful of justice towards our neigh-
bour, as to enjoin our most faithful Spanish Bishops to oppose the
Government at the political elections now about t9 take place in the
constitutional kingdom of Spain. Of which entirely false report,
and, so to speak, most thundering bounce or banger, the malicious
motive is seen in readiness. For it is manifest that these foul
slanders, deservedly to be named most wild ducks, are calculated to
damage and discredit, so as, were it possible, to destroy our spiritual
authority in all countries whereof the people rejoice under a Con-
stitutional Prince and Government. Particularly, if that People
are of the Protestant heresy, must those wicked forgeries be the
more likely to produce the most pernicious effects. For what, the
Heretics will naturally inquire, they being falsely persuaded by
atrocious defamations of Us, if We have not hesitated, with design-
ing subtlety, in endeavouring to upset a Catholic Government
approved by both King and People ? How much the less likely then
are We to stick at any machinations or intrigues by the abuse of
our spiritual influence on our subservient Bishops presiding in a
Protestant State ? Nothing, then, can be more natural, and rather
to be expected, than that the English People, believing that Our
Bishops, instigated by Us, have been stirring up disaffection in the
dominions of an alien Prince, will consider for themselves whether
there are not certain similar Bishops nearer home, ready, on occa-
sion, to do, if indeed they have not sometimes already done, the
same. Which mistaken persuasion may chance to make things bad
for our Bishops, and cannot but tend to confirm JOHN, surnamed
BULL, in the pestilent, heretical, execrable, and detestable error of
thinking that the more completely, securely, and utterly all Tem-
poral power is dissevered from Oar Spiritual authority the better.
Duty Made Easy.
THE Royal Parks Bill, now in progress, expressly legalises Public
Meetings in the Parks. This provision, should it become law, will,
whenever, in future, Revolutionists assemble in them for treasonable
purposes, take a deal of responsibility off the hands of Government.
FKBRUAHY 24, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
STATUE AT LARGE.
SOMSBODr HAS AT LAST MADE UP HIS MlND TO INTERFERE IN THE NEXT DIS-
GRACEFUL TRAFALGAR SQUARE MEETING.
SOMETHING LIKE A NAME.
Ms. PUNCH, daring a long and brilliant career, has
bad the satisf action of immortalising in his columns many
illustrious, many remarkable, many appropriate, many
lengthy names, but he does not remember ever to have
incurred so large an outlay for printing ink as on the
occasion, when he deems it his duty to reoom-
iiu-nd his readers at once to begin to master the whole
name of the KIM; 01 Si \\i, as a visit from that Monarch
to these shores is not an improbable event. His Majesty's
card will bear the following inscription :—" PKA BAT
SI.MIIM-CJI PRABA K \ M A i N TARAMAUA CHTJLALONKON
Kn.l 1'KA ClIAO PEN 1>IN SlAM." Till- effect of this
magnificent name, n verbtralinp from flight to flight in
some great mansion in the West, can hardly be exag-
gerated. Mr. I'l/iti-l,'* fear is, that the British footman
will sink under it ; that the British butler will make it
an excuse for an advance of salary.
STRANGE PARLIAMENTARY PROCEEDING.
ACCORDING to a statement in th«i <;!<ilr, the election
of the new SPEAKER was marked by an occurrence
which is believed to be unprecedented in the Annals of
Parliament — at any rate, the journals of the House are
silent on the point in their account of the ceremonies
attending previous similar interesting occasions. The
statement we refer to is as follows : —
"At the tame instant the Sergeant-at-Armi ucended the
House, and placed the Mace reverently on the table ! "
We venture to hope, for the take of those who may
hereafter be called upon to fill one of the moat important
posts in the House of Commons, that this addition to
its laborious duties will not be regarded as a precedent
to be strictly followed in all future elections of a
Speaker.
The most remarkable feature in the case is that,
although we have caused the most careful inquiries to
be made in the neighbourhood, not one of the many
persons who must have been in Palace Yard or on West-
minster Bridge at the time appears to have seen the
Sergeant-at-Arms (with or without the Mace) on the roof
of the House.
PUNCH'S NOTICE PAPEK.
(For the Middle of X«xt Week.)
MR. WHALLEY to ask the PRIME MINISTER what arrangements, if
any, are projected by the Government for the purpose of affording
an asylum to His Holiness the POPE, in the event of his desiring to
remove from Rome : and also whether there is any foundation for
the rumour that the Government have determined to place Lambeth
Palace at the service of His Holiness, and, so long as he resides
there, to sanction the collection of what are known as " Peter's
Pence " to be made once a month or so in Westminster Abbey.
COLONEL TOMLINE to ask the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
what is the daily average amount of the loose silver which he carries
in his pocket ; and whether he, the CHANCELLOR, considers it suffi- !
cient to enable him with certainty to lend a couple of shillings, or a I
florin, and a sixpence, whenever, through the scarcity of silver
coinage in this kingdom, he, the Colonel, may be brought to the I
necessity of borrowing them, in order to defray his cab-hire to the
House, or to purchase some refreshment in the course of a long '
sitting.
LORD ELCHO. on behalf of his brother connoisseurs, to inquire of
MR. AYHTON whether any and what measures he, as an admirer and
kind patron of the Arts, had it in his generous contemplation to
propose, with a view to the improvement, or, if not, the destruction
of, the frightfully mis-shapen structure which, to our disgrace, is
called the National Gallery ; and, likewise, whether any and what
steps are likely at his suggestion to be taken by the Government I
with a view to the removal of the ugly public statues which disfigure
London streets.
MR. BERNAL OSHORXE, in his office of Prime Punster, to move for.
a return of the quantity and value of the coals, over which the
Government have been hauled, in the matter of their COLLIER.
MB. VERNON HARCOURT to ask the Secretary-of-War whether, in i
the event of the old Martello towers being put into complete repair,
which would thoroughly insure the perfect safety of our coasts, he
would be prepared to bring a Bill in to disband the British Army,
and for our national ^ security, to rely upon our Navy and our
glorious Volunteers.
ME. MIALL to inquire of the Prime Minister if there be any solid
foundation for the rumour that the REVEREND MR. SPURGEON had,
under pressure of the Government, accepted the position of Chaplain
to the House, with a view to his election to the next vacant bishopric.
MR. DISRAELI to move for leave to introduce a little Bill on the
behalf of British novelists and dramatic, as well as other, writers,
setting forth their losses, direct and indirect, occasioned by American
pirates of the press ; and to move that this same little bill shall be
presented by the Government to the Government at Washington.
The HOME SECRETARY to ask the Ladies in the Gallery whether
they are advocates for Home Rule here in England, it being under-
stood that the lady of the house is to be considered as the ruler of
the home, where the practice of Home Rule is by Parliament
established.
MR. NEWDEGATE to ask the SECRETARY FOR EDUCATION if he is
prepared to move that a grant be yearly made by Government for
the purpose of extending a knowledge of the classics beyond what
is at present to be gained in parish schools : and, if so, whether he
considers that, for scholars in low neighbourhoods, it would be need-
ful to appoint and pay Professors of Thieves' Latin.
The HONOURABLE MR. PUTSCH to ask his most right honourable
friend the newly-elected SPEAKER whether the Board of Works have
had his chair re-stuffed, and whether other due arrangements have
been made for the promotion of his comfort and convenience, and
for the enabling him to take the needful refreshment of a nap in the
course of a long sitting.
Diocese Extraordinary.
THE Timei Special Correspondent at Paris the other day stated
that :—
" Yesterday, at the Church of St. Sulpice, the BISHOP OP UELLET ww con-
secrated."
The diocese over which this prelate will preside must he distin-
guished from a mere corporation.
86
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[FEBRUARY 24, 1872.
OUTBREAK OF HUMANITY.
Jarvey (who has been well treated during the Drive). " "IT A 'OR8E ABOUT THE 'EAD ? I'D QIVB A MAN A MONTH FOR 'ITTIN' 'OBSB
ABOUT THE 'EAD ! (Hicl) 'EAD '8 PRINCIPLE MEM BRAN ' 'UMANBoDTl IF 'MAN GOT *S 'EAD, *C AN CARRY 's LEGS, BUT IF 'MAN AIN'T
GOT'S 'EAD, CAN'T CARRY 'slLEos, DON'T CARE 'oo 'TIS ! !"
THE THEATRICAL BALLOT-BOXES.
SINCE the opening of Parliament we are informed that the follow-
ing suggestions have been dropped into the ballot-boxes at the
Queen's Theatre : —
" Play Measure for Measure. Yours, H. A. BRUCE. "
" I vote for The Tempest. <j_ j. GOSCHEN."
" My idea is The Merchant of Venice. 3. DISRAELI."
" I should say The Comedy of Errors, -ft. E. GLADSTONE."
" Try Much Ado About Nothing. gia Q ^y_ DILKE."
" First Part of Henry the Fourth, and I '11 come and direct
the supers at the Battle of Shrewsbury.
"EDW. CAEDWELL."
"A Midsummer Night's Dream. By the way I hear it's
likely to be a hot summer. » 2. BEAND.
" (Vice DENISON resigned.) "
""We think the Two Gentlemen of Verona is best."
( G. H. W BALLET.
( C. N. JfEWDEGATE."
" Ah, Sir, Tim of Athens is your man. j, j\ MVGUIEE "
" Taming of the Shrew, for example, or Love's Labour's
Lost. If not, try Twelfth Night, or What You Witt.
" PENZANCE."
N.B. The Management, in reply to several inquiries, begs to inform
its numerous Correspondents, that, having searched the works of the
immortal Bard, no such work can be found as the Tragedy of
Mustard and Cressida.
FRIGHTFUL SAVAGES.
WE read in the Pall Mall Gazette, with a distaste not often caused
by the contents of that capital paper, that there is in India a sect
which holds the following monstrous doctrines : —
" According to RAM SINOH, the cardinal virtues of the believer are meek-
ness, patience under provocation, and resignation to the will of Heaven. He
denounces lying, stealing, and impurity aa deadly sins, excluding all guilty
of them from the sect, and forbids the selling of daughters in marriage. Men
are enjoined by him to work for their livelihood ; and Brahmins, Soils, Bedls,
and other priestly orders, who live on the alms of others, he declares to be
impostors."
Revolting ! Why, these people are no better— not one whit better
than the early Christians. Here is a sect that must be extirpated.
Imagine such a faith spreading ! The sooner guns are got out and
these pestilent heretics are blown away, the better.
Malapropiana.
PUB good friend, MBS. MALAFBOP, is surprised to hear that a little
children's story she remembers in her childhood should have become
a subject of the gravest political discussion. She says she never
dreamed, when she was reading the American Nights Entertainments,
that such a fuss as she hears talked of would be ever made in Par-
liament about the Ali Baba case.
"Over the Sea."
THE man of all others whose name and countenance the promoters
of improved Channel communication between England and France
should at once secure is undoubtedly — M. JULES FEBBY.
HEAVY READING.— A Ship's Log.
Printed by Joseph Smith, cf No. M, Holford Square, in. the Parish of St. James, Clerkenweli. in the County of Middlesex, at tbe Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Brans.
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefrlara, inthe City of London, and Published by him at No. 8ft, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— SiTuaDiT, Febru
ft Co., Lombard
iruary 24 , 1872.
MARCH 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
'THE UPPER TEN."
Stationary Cabby. " HULLO ! WHERE ARE YE OFF TO ?"
Second Cabby. " HOME, OF COURSE. A FOUR-WHEELER is QUITE RESPECTABLE
ENOUGH FOR ANYBODY THAT WOULD BE OUT ON A NlGHT LIKE THIS."
" WOMAN i SPARE THAT BIRD."
M I:N- would not be what they are but for women. Great
men have mostly been the sons of giltril mothers. The
progressive improvement or deterioration of Man will
essentially dc-jx -nd upon the continued ascent or deca-
dence of Woman. Elevation, in ideas of ornamental
.ir;. from the absurdities of savage finery ever upwards
towards the expressions of perfect grace, is a visible
criterion of rising intelligence and morality. Chignons,
and many other embellishments which ladies have
adopted pi late, are ominous of a noble Posterity. Among
prognostics of this kind may be mentioned certain objects
of natural history, which have recently, as the ffltibe
observes, come into use by way of decorations for
valentines, pincushions, and ladies' hats. To wit, the
skins of divers and sundry song and other little English
birds, namely, chaffinches, greenfinches, ordinary and
golden- crested wrens, hedge-sparrows, robins, yellow-
hammers, linnets, tomtits, and kingfishers ; whereof the
last-named have been threatened with extermination,
owing to the demand for them by ladies' hatters. But
though these newly-fashionable and favourite garnitures
«re certainly the tokens of a most hopeful rise in civili-
sation, that benefit is attended with this disadvantage,
that our beautiful small birds are in course of being im-
proved off the face of the earth. Therefore, it is to be
wished that our fair countrywomen would vouchsafe,
whilst not ceasing to cultivate zoology with taste, to ex-
change the ornithological specimens now in vogue for
another sort, which, whilst involving no sensible loss,
would be equally becoming ; as, lor example, hats,
toads, frogs, lizards, efts, snails, moths, dragon-flies,
chafers, grasshoppers, crickets, cockroaches, and beetles.
Songs on Solemnities.
SmixnoLD and HOPKINS both were poets great ;
JJicnoLAs BRADY, too, and NAHUM TATE :
Compared with Minstrels, in these latter days
Who pen, occasionally, songs of praise ;
Great relatively, by the like degrees
Of bulk with those from mites which distance fleas.
NEW TITLE FOR OLD COUIHET DANCE. — "Just like
ROGER DE COVERLET."
"THE" TUESDAY.
ADVICES from Venice state that the trade and manufactures of
that city had received a remarkable impetus, in consequence of the
extensive orders received from London for the far-famed Venetian
masts. In our own port, the stevedores and dock-labourers were
employed night and day, for several nights and days, in discharging
the gondolas which arrived from the Adriatic, laden with these orna-
mental poles. They were the invention of an early and artistic
Doge— the one who has left a pleasing account of the hospitality he
experienced from the LORD MAYOB, in the Venetian Parlour at the
Mansion House, when he visited London on business connected with
the heavy import duty then existing on Venetian blinds.
We are glad to be able to announce that no opposition will be
offered to the payment out of the Corporation funds of the bill for
riding lessons, incurred by those members of its body who took part
in the procession on horseback. The manager of the Riding School
which they honoured with their patronage, speaks, with honest
pride, of their condescension and good humour in the midst of the
most trying circumstances ; and declares that he cannot remember
ever to nave had more docile and assiduous pupils. He takes credit
to himself, and deservedly so, for dissuading them from engaging
circus horses for the occasion.
Urgent private business has compelled the LORD CHAMBERLAIN
to quit town. In the hurry of departure he omitted to leave his
address : no letters, therefore, from unreasonable people, especially
those addressed in a feminine hand, can be forwarded to him.
The police executed their difficult and delicate duties in a manner
which, we are sure, cannot fail to have attracted the notice of their
superiors. At one moment it was feared that a misunderstanding,
arising put of a perambulator which evinced a disposition to defy
the carriage regulations published in the papers several days pre-
viously, might have led to awkward complications ; but, happily, it
blew over without assuming any more serious proportions than the
loss of a little temper and some varnish.
The animals in the Zoological Gardens were fed twice.
The strict limitations under which ladies' tickets were issued to
the two Houses of Parliament have, we regret to learn, brought a
host of troubles in their train which only the hand of time can allay.
Several matrimonial engagements have been broken off, and letters
and presents mutually returned ; and one Member writes to tell -
that a breach has arisen between himself and his aunt, the possessor
of vast property, unencumbered, and entirely at her own disposal,
which he fears can never be healed.
The Tichborne Jury would have enjoyed the day immensely, but
for the untoward circumstance that one of the shorthand writers
engaged on the trial occupied a seat close to those they had secured.
This so painfully reminded them of what they have still to undergo,
that even the sight of the Common Councumen on horseback, in
their mazarine gowns, failed to kindle a smile on their jaded faces.
Statistics, carefully compiled, leave no doubt that the greatest
amount of contentment and satisfaction, on the twenty-seventh,
was experienced by those loyal subjects who enjoyed an unin-
terrupt d view of the whole length ot the Old Bailey."
Mr. Punch regrets that in tie pressure of business last week, it
did not occur to him to supply some trustworthy information respect-
ing St. Paul's. He has been distressed beyond measure to learn that
in the conversations of well-dressed and seemingly refined persons
(many of them in high-priced seats) on Tuesday last, an amount of
ignorance broke out which he has thought it his duty to communi-
cate to the Committee of Privy Council on Education. He will,
therefore, content himself in this place with remarking that St.
Paul's is not a noble specimen of Gothic architecture, that it was not
the work of SIR INIGO JONES, that SIR CHRISTOPHER WRKN was
never a Royal Academician, and that the Cathedral was not burnt
to ashes by the Puritans under the command of OLIVER CROM-
WELL, and rebuilt by QUEEN ANNE'S Bounty — an act of munificence
on the part of that Sovereign which the people of London commemo-
rated by subscribing for her statue, still a conspicuous ornament of
the area in front of the sacred edifice.
VQI.
B8
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MABCH 2, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, February 19.
— His Grace of AB-
GYLL, having heard
through a " mutual
friend " (a common
friend, Punch as-
sumes that his
Grace meant) ! of
himself and the
LOHD CHIEF JUS-
TICE that some
words in the Duke's
speech on the Col-
lier business were
personally offen-
sive to the Judge,
apologised hy say-
ing that he had a
perfect right to
discuss the Judge's
letter, and its pub-
lication, and that
there were several
words in SIR ALEX-
ANDEK'S letter that
were open to objec-
tion. Then it seem-
ed to occur to the
Duke that this was
not exactly an ex-
haustive apology,
so he regretted hav-
ing used the lan-
guage in question.
On a Bill of LORD
SHAFTESBURY'S for
punishing misbe-
having clergymen,
the BISHOP OF PETERBOROUGH made a most humorous speech. He
pictured ".'the three greatest fools in a district " resolving to indict a
parson, and three old women in the Channel Islands conspiring
against a clergyman at Westminster. He fairly laughed the Bifl
out of the House, though the grave ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY,
while smiling at his episcopal brother's wit, supported the measure.
The Idiotic allegation of the Republican folks, that the land of the
country is in the hands of only 30,000 people, was exploded by
LORD DERBY, who puts the number at 300,000. The DUKE OF
RICHMOND said, that if the same rate of blunder thathad been made
in counting the landowners of Herts had been followed in regard to
the whole kingdom, the number really would be about 900,000.
Members were very bothersome to MR. ATHTON all the week about
getting tickets to St. Paul's for their wives and other ladies. Of
course the screw was put on at home, and nobody can blame an
unfortunate M.P. for neing pertinacious, in such circumstances.
But it is difficult to see that a Member's wife has any more right to
a ticket than any other lady. The State knows nothing about
Members' wives. MR. AYRTON, for an amiable man and a bachelor,
was very forbearing, but there were dreadful groanings at him.
MR. GLADSTONE admitted that he had written a letter to the
London Correspondent of an American paper, on the Treaty question,
but humbly pleaded that the gentleman had offered to " interview"
him. The excuse was felt to be ample.
Then we had the Collier business over again, this time in the
Commons. Mr. Punch declines to hunt this hare twice. MR.
CROSS moved a vote of regret, doing it with moderation, and being
ably supported by MR. GOLDNEY. Then SIR ROUNDELL PALMER
defended the Government, and contended that the appointment was
strictly legal, and that being so, it ought not to be challenged on
the ground that acts were to be judged by anything outside the
statute affecting them. Mr. Punch was like the butler of the
Brothers Cheeryble, " unconvinced." There was a prolonged debate,
but what was chiefly to be noted was, that the Hon. MR. DENMAN
opposed his Liberal friends, and said that he could not look his
children in the face if he could be thought to have supported his
party at the expense of his conscience. The PREMIER " mountec
the elevated courser," and was very emphatic and eloquent. But on
division the Government got but 268 to 241, majority 27. Yet i
was a grave question, and Ministers have a working majority o
upwards of 80.
Tuesday. — There is a great plan for boring through London, under-
ground, from Kilburn to Limehouse, and it is known as the Mid-
London Railway. It was opposed by MR. BEHESFORD HOPE, but the
BRUCE sent it to a Select Committee, where the Metropolitan Board
will also oppose it.
CITIZEN SIR CHARLES DILKE gave notice that next month he
means to call attention to the Civil List.
MK. COWFER-TEMPLE procured the Second Reading of a Bill for
nabling Clergymen to permit anybody to preach in their churches.
HR. GLADSTONE, however, thought that the plan must be jealously
watched, as a National Establishment could hardly sanction teaching
n its places of worship by men who owed it no allegiance, might
not believe its doctrines, and could not be subject to its rules.
Wednesday.— A. Game Laws debate, but as the subject is referred
o a Select Committee, that is, shelved for the Session, no more need
DO said about it now. The same papers that reported this, reported
me of the most brutal outrages that even poachers have committed,
ix or eight having fallen on one keeper (LORD VERNON'S), and
>eaten him nearly to death.
Our pen trembles at the words, yet we have written them often
enough. The Deceased Wife's Sister's Marriage Bill came in again.
iVeary of the old arguments, some Members used harsh language
nstead, and though we dp not commend this sort of thing, it was a
relief. The Second Reading was, of course, carried; the numbers
were 186 to 138.
Thursday.— The Lords gave the Chancellor leave to join the
Thanksgiving procession, HER MAJESTY'S approbation of his pre-
lence having been signified by LORD SYDNEY.
A Bill for giving Tramways to Manchester was rejected, at the
wish of the inhabitants, as signified by their representatives. Mr.
Punch knows that such roads exist in some of the plebeian localities
if the Metropolis, because he has read of quarrels between the con-
ductors and omnibus men, but not having demeaned himself by
examining such vulgar conveyances, he is unable to say whether
;hey are meritorious or not. But if Manchester objects to them, no
loubt they are not wanted there. Indeed, he hardly understands
low thejr can be, for Manchester has a system of mammoth omni-
>uses which carry about ninety people inside and a hundred and
eleven out, and are pleasing objects to behold, except when they are
foing to run over you.
More bother about Ladies' Tickets. The trouble the Fair Sect
give, when there 's anything or nothing to see, is perfectly fearful.
Poor MR. AYRTON said that the CHAMBERLAIN would do his best,
but there were seats for only "870 odd persons" of the Parlia-
mentary sort— (why he called them odd we know not)— and mani-
festly, if every Member of the 658 brought a lady but what was
the use of his talking like that when it was a case of sight-seeing ?
These lines will not be read until all is over, but Mr. Punch much
wonders whether, for the sake of accommodating one another, any
ladies will have left their crinolines at home. He supposes not,
being aware of the highly considerate nature of feminine humanity
when other folks' comfort is concerned. Does he appear to write
savagely ? Ah, my dears, if you only knew what he has been bear-
ing ever since the day was fixed.
Excelsior, to use an American Poet's indifferent Latin. To-night
did the Secretary for War, MR. CARDWELL, expound his plan for
the Reorganisation of the British Army. Briefly, these be its heads :
1. United Kingdom to be divided into Military Districts, to which
Mr. Punch has, in another of his columns, given a name so
obviously the right one that it is sure not to be adopted.
There will be Forty-nine in England, Nine in Scotland,
Eight in Ireland, in all, Sixty-six.
2. Each District is to hold a Brigade.
3. Each Brigade is to be composed of —
Two Battalions of the Line,
Two Battalions of Militia,
The Volunteers of the District.
4. One of the Line Battalions is always to be on Foreign Service.
5. The other is, like the pig that did not go to market, to stay at
home, and to be a Depot to its foreign brother.
6. Qualified Militia officers to be nominated to Battalions.
7. Volunteers to be trained with the rest of the Brigade, and to
be under exclusively Military Control.
8. Buildings to be erected in every District, for Staff Quarters,
Barracks, and Depot.
9. Each Brigade to be commanded by a Lieutenant-Colonel.
" 10. The Guards to be deprived of their Privileges.
11. Cost, about £3,500,000.
1 12. The whole of our land forces, if complete, would give us
467,000 men ; but of course we have nothing like this, at
present.
Now, the leading idea of this scheme is perfectly sound and good.
The House received it with satisfaction. But until after the
Thanksgiving Day, it is impossible for Mr. Punch to bring his
giant mind down to the consideration of details. He must, how-
ever, express the joy with which he beholds the Volunteers, the
Household Guard, taken in hand by the State, and about to be
MARCH 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
89
SUNDAY MANNERS IN HUMBLE LIFE.
JIM BATES goes out for a Walk with his Young Woman : his pal, JOE NOBBS, happens to be walking with hU Young Woman in Hie same
•Man. 'yUi,M>A, Jin," says JOB, |"OWARKYKR?" |_' WHY, JOE," observes i JIM, " 'ow 'H YBRIELF?" And instead of introducing
direction,
their future Wives (whom they leave standing apart), the two Friends gaze at each other with the sheepish grin of conscious imbecility.
having nothinj niure to say, they part, and resume their respective walks with their Young Women as before.
Then,
treated as a grand institution, instead of something at which
Regulars may smile— good-humouredly or not.
Good behaviour is always rewarded in this world, if we wait
long enough. Sometimes, certainly, the " wait" (as the actors say)
is considerable, but we should never be discouraged, never be weary
of well-doing. This night the Members who had sat patiently to
listen to MR. CARDWELL s important but somewhat elongated Army
Lecture, were richly repaid. For after that there was a splendid
gladiatorial encounter between the two great champions. Rouaed
by some observations of MB. HARDY'S in connection with the Parks
Bill, but in much closer connection with MB. GLADSTONE'S conduct
in the Park Rail-breaking days, the PREMIER "let into"
the other gentleman with a fare and a fury delightful to
all but himself. Hut and Hot MR. GLADSTONE gave it to MR.
HABDY. But PELIDES was not to have it all his own way. MR.
DISRAELI rose, and in hi* best tone of deliberate sarcasm, accused
MR. GLADSTONE not only of having done nothing to assist
the Conservative Government against the disorderly, but of having
addressed a tumultuous mob from his own windows. Well, it was
too good fun to be lost, though there are, happily, so many ways of
saying the same thing, that some of them depict it as a very dif-
ferent thing from the fact, and MR. GLADSTONB'S proceeding on the
occasion referred to was of the most harmless kind. He bowed,
we believe, to a crowd that was cheering him. In a way, this is an
Address. Remember the song in Refected Addresses—
" Ma. JACK, your Address," saya the prompter to me,
" So I gave him my card." "No that ain't it," says he,
"TU your Public Address." " 0," says I, " never fear :
If a dress you are bothered for, only look here."
It was a pity that MR. GLADSTONE did not think of this as a
retort upon his gay assailant. Had he quoted it, however, it is to
be hoped that he would have given the exquisite lines more accu-
rately than the reports made him cite the " Some Tall Cliff" pas-
sage the other day. Could W. E. GLADSTONE have forgotten his
GOLDSMITH ?
Friday we shall dismiss with deserved brevity. The Commons
had a long debate on the case of the NAWAB OF TONE, of whom we
hear at irregular intervals. The Indian Government deposed TON K
in the interest of his subjects, and he considers that he has a
grievance. The House, by 120 to 84, considered that TONK had
been served rightly.
MR. GLADSTONE made a careful, but satisfactory answer on the
subject of Irish Education. He will not disturb the National
System. Bon. If any furious Roman Ecclesiastic fulminates in
consequence, it would be most improper for the PREMIER to answer
in the words of the stout old Scottish Knight, in one of JAMBS
Hooo's ballads—
" I '11 take my chance, thou Priest of sin,
Thy absolution I disdain ;
But 1 will noose thy shaven chin,
If thus thou talk' it to me again."
There I No more quotations, no more politics, no more nothing
until after the Day. We mentally " shut up."
The Fair and the Unfair.
THB University of Edinburgh still refuses to allow Ladies at that
seat of learning to graduate in Medicine. An Act of Parliament ia
requisite to compel its ruling Trades' Unionists to do them justice.
If Ladies, Medical Students or other, do not obtain that, it is perhaps
because they are unrepresented. This is a consideration which seems
rather to entitle Women to the Suffrage, which they may obtain in
time, although the authorities of Edinburgh University seem deter-
mined not to let them win their rights by degrees.
90
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 2, 1372.
"BEAUTIFUL FOR EVER."
(OR, AT LEAST, FOR EVER SO LONG AFTER "THE TUESDAY.")
TO TEMPLE BAB.
0, TEMPLE BAR, a prouder Monument
Art thou than all, though some their heads far higher
Point to the sky, through London's whole extent :
Ev'n than the tall Memorial of her Fire.
Beneath thy festooned arch ere now hath passed
How oft a Monarch with a pageant gay,
Or a Lord Mayor in glory doomed to last,
But to the next November's thrice third day !
And when, upon a visit of high State,
Approached thee has the Monarch of the Land,
How many a City King hath, at thy Gate
Attended, to his Liege thy Keys to hand !
On top of thee famed Rebels' heads, by Love
And Mercy cut off in the days ago,
Have Loyalty commended from above
To crowds that gazed on Royalty below.
And now hast thou been whitewashed, Temple Bar,
But not as caitiffs plunged in hopeless debt ;
Not as poor penniless insolvents are :
No, thou, though whitewashed, art not bankruptjyet !
And when some Hero, not perhaps unborn,
Is borne, through thee, to his Cathedral tomb,
A coat of blacking may thy face adorn :
But we rejoice ; we will not discount gloom.
And are there those who fain would pull thee down —
Thou that maintain'st thy Westward crossing free ?
Linked, as thou art, anew with England's Crown ?
They shall not, Temple Bar. Perpetual be !
Moral Reflection.
" ONE half the world doesn't know how the other half lives."— Reflection
Lucky for the Demi-Monde.
C&anftseyttring*
FEBRUARY 27, 1872.
CURL thy lip, Cynic ; Scoffer, whet thy wit,
On this mixed mob of London, drawn one way ;
Content, for wearying hours, to stand or sit,
The while a Queen and Prince ride by to pray.
E'en this poor pageant falls with such rebound
Into our stagnant lives of toil and gain,
The creaming mud-pool breaks in ripples round,
And all its whirl of mud-life seethes amain.
A Queen, and Prince, and Princess, and their Court,
And coaches, passing to St. Paul's to prayer ;
To settle scores with Heaven, in stately sort : —
A Show for once ! and our shows are so rare !
So crowd up, Cockney small-fry — sit or stand,
As empty or full purse the chance affords :
Upper ten, to St. Paul's ! — Your seats are planned :
Streets for street-folk : the Church is still the Lords'.
How Heaven must thrill ! a Queen ! a Prince ! in State !
And London's millions gaping while they kneel !
No Papists we, our faith in gew-gaw/t?fe
To blazon ; hiding most, where most we feel.
Or if, by order, now and then we pray,
And fast, with Primate for our fugleman,
It is to point the world the narrow way —
What land pays e'en Heaven's debt, as England can ?
*«»»**
So twangs the old sneer, so flies the old shaft,
Sharp but innocuous, shrilling through the air :
The keen Satanic laughter has been laught :
Yet the Prince prays, and England joins in prayer.
Is not ashamed, is proud, to line the ways
While her QITEEN passes, and, before the crowd,
Vassal for once, at her Lord's footstool lays
Her Crown, and bows her knee, not elsewhere bowed.
Happy the Queen that can, love-guarded, go,
Still, through a prayerful capital, to pray ;
Happy, among these million hearts to know
Not one but beats in tune with hers to-day.
Happy the nation that the nation's self
Honours, so symbolised, with loyal will :
For whom — Plantagenet, Tudor, Stuart, Guelph —
The Sovereign is embodied England still.
Happy the nation, that the wholesome leaven,
Temp'ring command, doth in obedience own ;
And, while Earth's Sov'reigns are viceroys of Heaven,
Bows to the self -same power, on either throne.
Happy the Prince to whom the lot betides,
Leaning across the grave's unfathomed gloom,
To touch the hem of the dark veil that hides
The portals of the world beyond the tomb.
To touch that veil, yet come back to the light
Of mother's love ; wife, babes, again to see ;
And learn the sorrow of the long-drawn night
By the glad morning's prayerful ecstasy.
Happy, to whom the lesson comes so soon,
How weak the barrier that parts life and death,
How small the time for toil 'twixt night and noon,
How ill life's work for playing can spare breath.
Happy all three— in spite of scoffing wit—
Queen, Prince, and Folk, that can kneel side by side,
In one love, faith, allegiance, mutual knit—
A triple cable, strong through storms to ride.
"M
I—
OD
1-1
H
o
O
Q
I
tr
H
C
O
CH
01
9
MARCH 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
95
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
(Visit to the Crystal Palace continued.)
giB,"BaidToMMY,"I
hear many persons
around us calling
this strange crea-
ture the Oetfipus,
while others say
Octopus. Will you
teach me, Sir, which
is correct '("
Mr. Barlow. You
are aware that 1 am
always ready to im-
prove you. You
must know, then,
TOMMY, that the
Greeks, who were
remarkable for their
intelligence, posses-
sed an alphabet
with two o's in it,
the one being short,
the other long.
Tommy. This is,
indeed, wonderful !
and I protest I
should consider this
to be the long and
short of the matter.
MB. B A BLOW
laughed heartily at
this sally, and professed himself much struck with his young friend's
progress in this sort of entertaining conversation. " You are now,"
said MB. BAKLOW, " beginning to practise those quips and quaint
conceits which have rendered the great wits of other times so
justly famous. When the Koman people —
" Indeed," said TOMMY here to ME. BABLOW, " I am sorry to
interrupt the story, but I shall be much obliged to you if you will
tell me something further with regard to the two kinds of o's, and
this extraordinary creature.
Mr. Barlow. This is not so easy to make you understand at once :
I will, however, try to explain it. The Greeks, my dear TOMMY,
called their short o, omicron, and their long o, omega. Now the
word octopus is thus written in Greek —
Here the honest Secretary to the Crystal Palace Company stei .
forward, and bowing to the company with an air of dignity which
surprised them all, addressed himself to MR. BARLOW, only request-
ing to be informed if he would like to be furnished with a pencil
for the purpose of illustrating his instructive remarks on the wall
of the Aquarium. " For," said the excellent gentleman, " I can
refuse nothing to persons to whom I am under such extraordinary
obligations." MB. BABLOW was much charmed with the generous
conduct of one, who, till then, had been to him in no other relation
than that of an entire stranger, and hastened to accept the offer with
every expression of esteem and gratification.
While this conversation was passing between the worthy Secretary
and the beloved tutor of MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, an innu-
merable crowd of men, of women, of children, had surrounded th«
place, waiting with eager curiosity for tin- instructive entertainmenl
which MR. BABLOW was preparing to afford them.
Sir. Hurl<i>c. The word Octopus was written by the Greeks
thus —
'OKTO'-nOTS,
and signified "eight-footed :" the A«r<i being eight, and-n-ouj being
a foot. Now the final •> of the first word is an omega, and as lonf
as my arm. Therefore, TOMMY, you will be correct in pronouncinf
this word Octopus.
The Secretary. Indeed, Sir, your remark is very just, and, in
future, I, for my part, will as readily call October, OctSber, as
Octopus, OctBpus.
Tommy. 1 perceive, Sir, that the ™ in front of the foot is long
the big toe is undoubtedly meant, and not the little toe.
Mi: Jim-low. You are, indeed, right, and as you have discoveret
that a grammar and a dictionary will afford you much harmless
diversion, you need now only add a Lexicon to your bookshelf in
order to obtain such a facility for making jests in the Greek
language, as shall leave no doubts on the minds of your auditors as
to the extent of your scholarship and learned research.
Tommy. Then, Sir, 1 perceive that in future I must call thi
creature the Octopus, and not the Octopus.
" That," said HARRY, " I could have told you before ; but I had
a mind you should find it out for yourself. The longer the o is, th
more correct will be your pronunciation."
MASTER TOMMY thanked his young friend heartily for his advice,
and protested that, for his part, he would be glad if he could make
IABBY himself utter an emphasised " o " ; to which his companion
eturned that he should vastly like to witness such an attempt, in
>rder that MASTER TOMMY might have some experience of what he
HARRY) anticipated would be the result. TOMMY now said that he
lad only been jesting, and begged him to think no more of the
matter.
Mr. Barlow. As to the Octopus, it is the Marine Humpty Dumpty,
or Aquarian Mister Nobody. He has an eye ever open lor business,
and, when not otherwise engaged, he sits with his eight legs in his
mouth, as a matter of purely personal convenience. His powers of
notion would astonish MR. BRCCB, horrify the teetotallers, and
lelight the publicans.
Tommy. Can this strange creature be tamed If
Mr. Barlow. All animals can be tamed by kindness. And I do
not doubt but that were the right method of being kind to the
)ctopus discovered, he would prove a most diverting and affectionate
companion. When domesticated, I am convinced he would be
agreeable to visitors, suspicious of strangers, playful with children,
and formidable to burglars.
The Secretary. Has this interesting animal any further peculiari-
ties with which you are acquainted ?
Mr. Barlow. Yes, he is the Marine Anonymous Libeller, who
sneaks away under cover of the venomous ink which he has dis-
charged in the face of his enemy.
The Secretary. We are much obliged to you, Sir, for these curious
particulars, which are perfectly conformable to all I have heard and
•ead upon the subject. And, indeed, much of this may be found
in our Catalogue of the Aquarium, price sixpence, which I recom-
mend all persons who are anxious for their own improvement at
once to purchase.
Mr. Barlow. Your advice, Sir, reminds me of the story of Phar-
nabazus and the Posthumous Venetian, which, as no one here hag
S'obably heard it, I will proceed to narrate. You must know, then,
r. Secretary, Ladies and Gentlemen
Here one of the officials entered, and signified to the honest Secretary
that the evening was so far advanced as to render the partial extinc-
tion of the gas necessary as a preliminary step to the departure of
the visitors. It was not, however, until the Secretary had explained
that the last train for London would leave in ten minutes time,
that the delighted crowd broke up and hurried towards the
transept.
On the platform of the Railway Station, HARRY availed himself
of the few minutes' leisure which the late arrival of the train per-
mitted, to go round to the various persons in the crowd who nad
listened to MR. BABLOW'S instructive discourse, with his hat in his
hand, in order to collect such subscriptions as tne gratified audience
might feel disposed to bestow. But in this attempt he soon dis-
covered he had been already forestalled by his young friend TOMMY,
to whom the honest folks professed they had given all that their
scanty means permitted, or their generosity prompted.
The arrival of the train put an end to further discussion, and
though their revered tutor endeavoured five times during the journey
to recount to them the story of Leonidat and the Insipid Dutchman,
he was invariably interrupted by the shrieking of the engine, the
motion of the carriage, the rattling in the tunnel, the cries of _ the
porters, or the demand of tickets. It was late when they arrived
at the terminus, whence they immediately sought their lodgings,
where they were soon wrapped in sound and healthy slumbers.
FATHER THAMES' TEA-URN.
DR. M'CoRMACK, Medical Officer of Lambeth, has signalised his
translation from Southampton to the other Borough by analysing
the Lambeth Water, drawn from the main at Kennington Cross.
He has also tested the Southwark and Vauxhall Companies' water.
According to the South London Courier, the result ot DR. M'CoR-
MACK'S researches on the South London water i* a report that it is
" totally unfit for human consumption," contains " moving organi-
sations, which swim in so much filth besides, that, in fact, " both
Companies are supplying to their consumers extensively diluted
sewage." By this our South London contemporary appears to mean
sewage extensively diffused. This is as it should be, in as far as
some of those consumers are concerned. The South London water is
just the very right stuff for the fraudulent South London Grocers to
make their own tea with, and drink it.
The Kingdom is to be Divided into Military Districts.
So announces MR. CARDWELL, Oxford Druid. In compliment to
him, we propose that they should be called Drnidical Circles.
96
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 2, 1872.
NEW CIVIL SERVICE REGULATIONS.
(As recommended by the " National Chamber of Trade.")
THE whole time of a Civil Servant must in future be given up
to his official duties, with such concessions for meals, exercise, and
sleep, as a Medical Board may consider absolutely necessary.
lie will be requir-
ed to reside within
fifteen minutes' ride
or walk of his office ;
and any time, over
and above this maxi-
mum, which may
elapse between leav-
ing his home and
seating himself at
his desk, will be de-
ducted from the time
allowed for exercise.
He will be entitled
to fifty-four days'
vacation in the year ;
namely, every Sun-
day, Christmas Day,
and Good Friday.
A Staff of Police-
men, in plain clothes,
will be engaged to
make frequent visits
to the different pub-
lic offices (on pleas
of instituting in-
quiries, seeking in-
formation, exhibit-
ing new inventions,
&c.), to see that the
Clerks and other in-
dividuals in Govern-
ment employment
are seated at their
desks and absorbed in
their duties. These
detectives will make
a daily report to
the Lords of the
Treasury, embody-
ing the results of
their surveillance.
No Civil Servant
will be suffered to
devote any portion
of the time allowed
for meaU, exercise,
and sleep, to any
business, calling, or
avocation, mercan-
tile, literary, . or
otherwise, for pro-
fit, emolument, or
gain, without the
consent in writing of
the Head of the De-
Eartment to which
e is attached, coun-
tersigned by the
CHANCELLOR or THE
EXCHEQUER.
It is the duty of
all Civil Servants
first to think of the
London tradesman,
then of themselves
and their families.
No person, therefore,
in the employment
of the State can be
permitted to deal
with any Co-opera-
tive Stores, Society or
Association, Whole-
sale House or Estab-
lishment, on the plea of limited income, .large family, the benefits
of cash payments, the advantages of genuine goods, or any other
such specious pretext ; but must confine himself to retail tradesmen
and shop-keepers, showing a preference for those who give credit,
or at the utmost, five per cent, discount for ready money, and are the
possessors of country residences, carriage-horses, conservatories, and
a choice cellar of wines.
Any Civil Servant, who may have the good fortune to imd himselt
with a surplus in his pocket at the close of the year, when all rates,
taxes, and other claims upon him have been discharged, will be
expected to lay it out at once in jewellery, plate, porcelain, engraved
glass, articles of luxe
or virtu,*- liqueurs,
new drawing-room
furniture,*or in some
other way which
may be beneficial to
his tradesmen ; but
on no account is he
to indulge the selfish
instincts of his na-
ture, by investing
the money for the
good of himself, his
wife or his family.
No Civil Servant is
so far to forget the
dignity of his calling
and the reasonable
expectations of the
shareholders, as to
travel in a third-
class railway car-
riage. If alone, he
may avail himself of
second-class accom-
modation ; but when
accompanied by a
lady, he must enter
no carriages but
those of the first-
class. The practice
of taking return-
tickets is one not to
be encouraged.
The substitution of
electroplate for sil-
ver, the consumption
of low-priced wines,
the resort to the
cheaper seats at pub-
lic entertainments,
the wearing of imita-
tion seal-skin appa-
rel, and the use of
omnibuses in lieu of
cabs, by Civil Ser-
vants, their wives
and families, are all
degrading practices
which, though, in
the present defective
state of the law, they
cannot be positively
forbidden, will in
future be regarded
with grave suspicion
and distrust.
From and after the
passing of these re-
gulations, it is hoped
that no Civil Ser-
vant, who remem-
bers the duty he
owes to his trades-
men, their wives and
families, will so far
demean himself as to
wear any article of
clothing for a longer
period, at the out-
side, than six months
— tailors, hosiers,
hatters, boot-makers,
&c., being creatures
of delicate suscepti-
bilities, who would feel very acutely any decrease in their annual
returns and profits, and the slightest consequent diminution of those
enjoyments which await them, after the cares and labours of the day
are brought to a close.
/ESTHETICS OF DRESS.
Cualomet (he has been Bidden to a Wedding, and can't make up his Mind in the Mailer of
Trouser Patterns, but at last says). " 0, THEKE ! THAT 'LL DO, I 8H 'D THINK ! "
Tailor. "PARDON ME, SIR; IF YOU ARE GOING TO BB 'BEST MAN,' THE SHADE is
HARDLY TENDER ENOUGH ! ! "
MARCH 2, 1872-1
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
97
THE "NIMBLE NINEPENCE."
City Gent (after a critical Inspection). " WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT ' MOONLIGHT' " ?
Picture- Dealer, " I'LL SHELL YER THE Two A BAROAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT, SHIR!
SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED SMEI'HERS'S. SHBVKNTV-FIVB "
City Gent. "0, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVINO YOU— THIRTY SHILLINGS FOE THK PAIR."
Picture-Dealer (closing with, alacrity). " DONB ! WITH YOU, SHIE ! ! "
SUKVBNTY-FlVS GCINEASH AP«ICSHE,
[City Gent is in far 'tm I
A" DOUBLE MEANING, INDEED.
A DIPARTMENT should be added to Her Majesty's Mint, and
placed under the direction of an Officer duly qualified to super-
intend the coinage of the Queen's English. Some smashers have
lately been trying to pass the base word " Cablegram," meant to
signify message by submarine Cable. Such another " rap," as a
name for instantaneous photograph, " Pistolgram," when some
barbarians tried to put it into circulation, was immediately nailed
to the counter.
MR. KAR9i,AKE,'in the Times, has proposed to replace the jumble
" Cablegram" with the concord, " Haligram " or " Thalassogram."
In preference to either of these two expressions the term " Ono-
gram " is suggested by a gentleman dating from the Reform Club a
letter signed " Nominalist." Whether or no " Nominalist" would
be quite a ftt and proper person to be Master of the Etymological
Mint, some judgment may be formed from his following statement
relative to the formation of " onogram :" —
"I have not by me here a Suidas, or even a LMdell and Scott ; but every
schoolboy knows that Svot is Greek for (among many other things) a good
stout rope or cable."
It may be doubted whether amongst the various meanings of
tros that of cable is one verily and indeed known to every school-
boy. But thus much is certain, that every school-boy who knows
the Greek letters, knows, or may know with the help of a Lexicon,
that the primary meaning of the word foot is simply Ass. Further
comment may be deemed superfluous, unless it may be remarked
that Onograra might, and most naturally would, be understood to
mean anything, for instance a letter, written by a donkey.
A CRYING EVIL.
" SIB," said DR. JOHNSON, with a significance doubtless apparent
to his hearers, "comparisons are odious. Sir, the Whigs make
comparisons." So they do still, bnt perhaps not more particularly
or habitually, and for less cause, than the Tories or than the Radi-
cals, or than the Party of Treason. It is impossible for any railway
traveller, of what politics soever, who is in any measure endowed
with the perception of difference and resemblance, and with the
sense of hearing, not to compare the enunciation of railway attend-
ants, in calling out the names of stations, with that of newsboys
who simultaneously cry the papers. Nor can the least reflective
passenger, even if belonging to the less thoughtful sex, fail to con-
note the probabilities that,— whereas the Boys, who name every
separate paper audibly, with laboriously distinct intonation, are
interested in effecting their papers' sale,— to the Men bv whom the
stations are announced, in a low voice and inarticulate abbreviations,
the exit of every passenger from the train at his proper destination,
is not a matter of as much concern.
Queer Bargains.
" SALE of Incubus Stock ! " He must be a hopeful draper who
expects to allure purchasers by such a horrifying announcement.
Ladies would, surely, shun a shop which makes no secret of having
a surplus stock of nightmares to dispose of ! An advertisement
headed " Great Sacrifice of Skeletons in Cupboards," could hardly
be more startling.
98
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAECH 2, 1872.
»)*•'> •-:
> &£* ,
• : <$•
MELIORA.
THERE is said to be nothing more sensitive than
Capital, but Patriotism appears to be equally so —
Patriotism, that is, as defined in conversation by DR.
JOHNSON. The other night, a meeting: of Patriots,
delegates to the number of 200 or so, from sixty political
and social organisations of Republicans and Revolu-
tionists, held, under the presidency of MR. ODGER, at
the White Horse Tavern, Castle Street, Oxford Street,
to arrange measures for opposing the Parks' Regulation
Bill, unanimously voted the following resolution :
" That, considering the conduct of the Government, a de-
monstration to protest against the Parks' Regulation Bill be
held in Hyde 1'ark on Sunday, the 3rd of March."
These Patriots are particularly alarmed at a clause
of the Bill which they credit with virtually prohibiting
public meetings in the Parks. They will probably fina
that they have been too nervous. In the meantime,
however, the PUKMIKK and Government are to be con-
gratulated on the menace of a demonstration to he held
in Hyde Park for the purpose of denouncing one of their
measures.
Hopeless.
A PARAGRAPH in the Parliamentary Intelligence of
the Times, headed " Occasional Sermons," and referring
to a bill MK. COWPEK-TKMPLK has obtained leave to
introduce, led muny persons to hope that Parliament
was at last about to interfere to protect us from the
young, the inexperienced, the inefficient, the injudicious,
the tedious preachers, by prohibiting them from deliver-
ing more than a limited, a very limited, number of
discourses in the course of each year. These sanguine
dreamers are now suffering from the reaction of dis-
appointment, for thev find that MR. CowpER-TKMri.E's
Bill has an entirely different object in view, and that it
leaves us all still at the mercy, alike of the youngest
Curate and the oldest Archdeacon,
OUR REPLY.
" YES, DEAR, NO
INCUMBRANCES, BUT
FEBRUARY I "
DOUBT IT
WHY DID
IS A RELIEF TO BE
NOT THIS OCCUR TO
FREE
You
FROM ABSURD
ON THE 27TH
Kleptomania.
A SAD case of depravity, which has come to light
within the last few days, is causing great distress to a
most respectable family long resident in the neighbour-
hood of London. One of its members, a Lady hitherto
of irreproachable character, has lately taken to steel pens.
AN AWAKENING CONSCIENCE.
THE CHANCELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER will not encourage any
inquiry with a view to the abolition of the Income-tax. But, he
told a deputation the other day : —
" He certainly believed that the administration under Schedule D might be
improved. But the real remedy was to keep the tax as low as possible ; and,
in order to keep it l»w, taxes ought to be put on other things."
Excellent. The lower the Income-tax, the better. Its perfection
would be zero. In order to reduce it to •that point, could not taxes
be put on other things— of which MK. SHERIDAN has mentioned
HI nnc ? The delegates from the Chambers of Commerce respecting
the Income-tax obtained from MR. LOWE the very best answer they
could possibly have expected, next to a promise to provide for the
repeal of the Income-tax in his next Budget.
Shakspeare for Schoolboys.
IN the tragedy of Macbeth, a question is asked by Malcolm : —
" What is the newest grief ? "
To which Rosse makes answer : —
" That of an hour's age doth hiss the Speaker."
Such grief was awfully unparliamentary.
A GENIAL NOTION.
As the Waterside business would be virtually suspended on
Thanksgiving Day, and the Banks (that is to say, banking-houses)
would be shut, the employes in the Custom- House, COLONEL BERJ s-
FORD was kind enough to suggest in the House of Commons, should
I be allowed a holiday. This benevolent proposal would doubtless
1 have been acceded to if the Government had only been certain that
there was no fear that, in the absence of Custom- House officers, any
smuggling would go on in the river. And then, because it might be
believed that Thanksgiving Day would be respected equally by
smugglers and by thieves, a holiday might also have been given to
' all the Policemen.
AN AWKWARD FLATTERER.
IN an article in the Debuts, relative to Legitimism, attributed to
M. EMILE DE BONNECHOSE, the historian, occurs a statement that
VILLEHOI, the tutor of the Grand Monarch, "showing from an
elevated site to his royal pupil, Louis THE FOURTEENTH, the villages
and landscapes spread out before him, said, ' Sire, all that is yours.'"
Something like this had been spoken and done elsewhere some time
before, to far another than the King of France; but perhaps
MARSHAL VILLEROI was not a conscious plagiary.
Black and White.
OUR other great explorer of Africa, SIR SAMUEL BAKER, is now
engaged in labouring to suppress the Slave Trade in the very heart
of that island, as M. LESSM'S has rendered it. This enterprise is
opposed by the Powers of Darkness, both material and spiritual. It
is altogether a case of Pull BAKER, pull DARKEY. Success to BAKER.
Drums and Fifes.
MR. CABDWELL proposes, in re-organising the Army, to unite all
the forces of the country in " one harmonious whole." Hitherto, in
military affairs, that description has only been applicable to some
of the bands.
" £1 Eco de Ambos Mundos."
A HANDSOME-LOOKING journal, with this title, has been sent to
Mr. Punch. He wishes it all success.
above words meant PUNCH FOR EVER !
But he thought that the
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
99
FAINT RECOLLECTIONS OF THE 27TH.
THANKSGIVING DAY.
(from a Specially Incompetent Correspondent.)
DEAB ME. PUNCH,
WHEN, in your charmingly courteous way, you allotted to
me a front seat on your beautifully decorated Leads, that I might
witness the Procession on Thanksgiving Day, you gracefully said
that you hoped I would favour you with some sort of report of the
proceedings. On my representing that my share of the proceedings
would probably be limited to entertaining the ladies around me with
brilliant conversation, and to partaking of your hospitality in the
way of refreshments at every possible opportunity, you epigrammati-
cally replied " Shut up ! " I assumed this to mean that you were
unconvinced by my argument, and I intimated this. You rejoined
that an account by a single close and accurate observer of incidents
that came under his own eyes was worth more than any general
description, which would be amply supplied by the newspapers.
When you pointedly added, " No ' copy,' no card," I felt that the
discussion had terminated.
I will therefore inform you, with as much brevity as is consistent
with exactness, of what I did and saw on Thanksgiving Day.
My suburban residence was quitted by me at 9 '30. I had pre-
viously partaken of a moderate breakfast; consisting of several chops,
a few sausages, and some marmalade, with admirably strong coffee.
Kindling an excellent cigar (your own gift, or at least taken from
your own box), I entered an open carriage, and proceeded towards
Hyde Park. I was accompanied by a member of the Royal Aca-
demy, whose companionship I had solicited, partly for the charm of
his variegated conversation ; partly because I thought that his artis-
tic eye would detect any pictorial combinations which might deserve
my notice. In the first respect I was not disappointed, lor he con-
VOL. Lxn. ]
versed with as much liveliness as could be expected from a person
who had offered his family £10 if they would let him stay away
from the Show, but his only artistic remark was, that some crows in
one of the Park trees looked very black against the sky, and that
they had got up there to see the Show for nothing.
Little that was interesting occurred as we crossed tho Parks,
except that my friend threw an empty cigar-light box away, and it
hit a policeman, who at first looked at him in a savage manner, but
then seemed to recognise him, from which I drew inferences of
my own.
When we had got a good way along the Embankment, we were
stopped by a group of police, and informed that we could go no
further. Why, we could not comprehend, as there was no other
vehicle between us and Blackfriars Bridge. But on my displaying
your credentials, the officers became most polite, deeply regretted
that we could not go on, but we had reached the City, into which no
carriages must pass. Bat they offered to carry us forward on
stretchers : such was their courtesy. This proposal we declined, not
liking to take them off duty. Therefore we walked on, and thread-
ing divers sinuous lanes, found ourselves at the foot of St. Bride's
Tower.
St. Bride's Church was destroyed in the Great Fire, and the
present building, one of WREN'S master-pieces, was completed in
1703 at the cost of £11,430. The steeple was struck by lightning in
1764. WTNKIN DE WOBDE, the famous printer, was buried in the
old church. So was MART FRITH, better known as " Moll Cutpurse."
CUBLL'S Corinna is here. But doubtless you know all these things,
and many others. I have but just discovered the facts, in a scarce
volume called the Handbook of London, published by Ms. MCRRAT.
As my friend could be of no further use to me, I here lost sight of
him, and obtained the delightful sitting which you had allotted to me
upon your Leads. Like the Claimant, I am delicate about alluding
100
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
9, 1872.
to ladies whom I have danced with, or sat by, and there-
fore I shall merely remark that your Leads presented
a Galaxy. Grace and good-humour presided over the
scene, and the dry sherry was as good as any I ever tasted.
I did not confine myself to a cursory investigation into
this question.
There was a very dense crowd below. I could see
part of the Ludgate Arch on my right. There was a
great many flags, none handsomer than your own. I
saw several Special Correspondents, stalking along the
guarded line, " monarchs of all they surveyed,' and J
was pleased to see literature so venerated. The day was
fine, but rather cold, and it therefore became necessary
to recruit nature at no distant intervals. I recruited her.
My own conversation, and the consequent cheerful-
ness of those around me, sped the hours, and there was
the great satisfaction of feeling oneself comfortably
seated, while thousands of other persons were being
hideously squeezed, pushed by policemen, and backed
into by horses. I then understood the Scotch Calvinistic
idea of the happiness of another sphere. But let me
observe that the police and soldiers behaved exceedingly
well, and were always ready to rescue some idiotic
woman, or some unfortunate child, that got frightened
in the press. I regretted the loss of my artistic friend
at one moment, when he might have made a clever
sketch (he it clever, though an Academician) of a little
girl, with drapery in extreme disarray, hoist horizontally
over the crowd into the arms of a gallant soldier, and
received into those of an unreasonably furious mother.
'Twas a picture, but artists never see these things.
At length HEB MAJESTY'S beauteous cream-coloured
horses came by (I omit all other processional details),
and they drew a carriage in which were our QUEEN, our
PSINCESS OF WAXES, PRINCESS BEATRICE, the little
ALBERT VICTOB, and the Heir Apparent. I need not
chronicle the mighty shout that greeted them, or speak
of the pleased face of the Sovereign, the gentle smiles of
the Princesses, or the genial look of the PRINCE or
WAXES, pale from illness as he was. But this is what
I saw and must note. As the carriage drew near, Sir,
to your office, the PRINCESS OP WAXES remembered the
greeting she had received there when she made her
entry into London. H.R.H. looked up, and beheld the
sculptured effigy of yourself, fatuously waving a lovely
bouquet. The Princess touched her Royal Mother (I am
sure H.R.H. has forgotten the word mother-in-law) and
pointed out Mr. Punch.
THEN, SIB, TOUB SOVEREIGN AJTD MINE LOOKED UP,
AND LAUGHED A RECOGNITION.
I remember no more. I extracted myself (if with too
little ceremony I humbly apologise to the ladies who
were beside and near me), and I rushed into your cham-
ber, where a splendid lunch awaited your guests. To
knock off the top of a bottle of exquisite champagne,
and to quaff a tumbler thereof at a draught, to swallow
a few dozen of the most delicate natives, and to quaff
much more of that dry and fragrant nectar in honour of
the QUEEN, of the PBINCE, of the Princesses, of the
ladies, who I felt at that moment were all Princesses,
and of yourself, was the work of a moment.
It is possible that you may know better than I do how
the rest of that great and glorious day was passed by
Your faithful Contributor,
THE FBUMIOUS BANDEBSNATCH.
XXIX FEBRUARY.
"YES, THIS WAS THE WAY. AND WHAT'S MORE, IF THIS SORT OF THING CON-
TINUES, MR. P WILL BE OBLIGED TO REFUSE ALL PARTIES THIS YEAR."
"THAT'S GOOD."
IN the House of Commons "Paper" for Leap Year
Day was the following amazing item : —
" PUBLIC COMMITTEES FOR THURSDAY, 29m FEBRUARY, 1872.
Sour. Room.
'' 2. Habitual Drunkards (to choose Chair-
man, and consider course of proceeding) . at three 16
Mr. Punch forgot to look into Room 1C, to see how
the Habituals were getting on. He wonders whom they
chose. Their course of proceeding, of course, was to
lay on messengers to the Refreshment department, with
orders of more or less coherence. Well done, Collective
Wisdom.
OUR BRUTAL .CUSTOMS.
AN " ANSXO-INDIAN," in the Times, complains of the vexatious detention
which he, and a lot of other passengers who arrived, the other Saturday night
by the Malta at Southampton, endured owing to the brutality of the Customs'
authorities of that port. From what " ANGLO-INDIAN " says, it certainly does
not appear that those officials are accustomed to execute their odious office
more offensively and injuriously than the rest of their tribe, who, however,
everywhere, are well known to make a point of inflicting on travellers,
whom it is possible for them to impede and plague, no less of delay, trouble,
and annoyance than they possibly can. A competitive examination in civility
is desirable for candidates for place in the Customs' department of the so-called
Civil Service. If existing Custom-house officers had to undergo that ordeal
it is to be feared that they would be nearly all of them plucked.
YOKES FOR YOKEFELLOWS.
How pleasant to impose, or to maintain,
Restrictions which our own wills nought restrain ;
Laws binding, to be sure, on me and you,
Their hardship who don't feel, whilst others do.
To wed their late wives' sisters some men want.
We, if we might, would not ; we say they shan't.
Teetotallers, strong liquors we eschew
To please ourselves ; would force our neighbours to.
Niggards or meddlers, fain mankind to school,
Thus, under moral aims, mask lust of rule,
And Acts to curb the People whilst they scheme,
Cloak with benevolence their self-esteem.
Slightly Confused.
MBS. MALAPROF, on Thanksgiving Day, was charmed with the Common
Councilmen in their Magazine gowns. The same mistress of the English language
much admired the appearance of the soldiers, especially the Lancets, but felt
greatly disappointed that the Prince's doctors were not in the procession.
MARCH 0, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
101
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, February 2(i.— Before
proceeding to the scant Par-
liamentary detail with which
..V;-. I'inii'/i propose* to favour
the world this week, ho will
note for the convenience of
the Historical Student who
will thankfully explore these
mines of information and wit,
that this Week was marked
by two events.
First, on February 27. HER
MA. i i^nr went to St. Paul's,
to offer thanks for (lie deliver-
ance of the PRINCE or WALES
from great peril.
••dly, on February '_':),
HER MAJESTY: was subjected
to outrage by a wretched Irish
youth who presented a harm-
less pistol at the (Ji'KKX.
What Mr. Punch has to
gay on both subjects is else-
where said, and here he makes
simple record of them, in ex-
planation of subsequent nar-
rative.
The proceedings in Parlia-
ment have been nearly devoid
of other interest than what
wa* derived from allusion to
the above topics.
This day MR. GEOIIGK Hi
TIXCK invited the SPEAKER to
say whether the Morning Ad-
vertiser had not been guuty of
breach of privilege. Our con-
temporary stated that there
was a thing called the
' SPEAKER'S List," lately invented, a paper prepared by the
Whips, who set down the names or the Members to be invited
to speak, of course to the exclusion of others. And if a Liberal
Member spoke or voted wrongly, he was " gagged by MESSES.
GLADSTONE, GLYN, and DENISON.
The new SPEAKER said that he had never seen anything of the
kind, and that he should always call on Members with the utmost
impartiality.
ME. GLADSTONE, for himself and MR. GLYN, said that they had
no knowledge of the practices of which they were accused.
Mu. GLYN, for himself, broke a fifteen years' silence to state that
the late SPEAKER had often asked him who wanted to be heard, and
he had handed in some names, but he denied all the rest. He
thought that MR. BENTINCK might have made his charges when the
present LORD OSSINGTON was in the Chair to answer him.
MB. NOEL, Conservative Whip, gave a similar disclaimer.
MR. DISRAELI said that the late SPEAKER often made inquiries,
in order that every section of opinion should be represented. For
himself, he had always been anxious to develope Conservative
oratory, and any young Member had always found a friend in him.
IK' thought that Members below the gangway should be encouraged
to relieve their smouldering emotions by expression.
The subject dropped, MR. BENTINCK, if not clever himself, having
enabled clever men to speak adroitly. This, perhaps, is the extent
of MR. BENTINCK'S mission.
Then we talked till half-past one about the best way to get on
with the business of the House.
Ttiesday. — Thanksgiving Day. Neither House sat.
H'l'dni'mlin/. — The Commons talked about Salmon. This noble fish
is greatly ill-treated, and considering what a glory and a charm to a
table he is (at least early in the season), it is a base thing that he
should be oppressed. The way he is hindered by Millers and their
Weirs from getting up to the spawning-ground is atrocious. Why
can't the millers pull down their water-mills, and have steam-mills,
•which do the work much better ? There are 50(t weirs through which
the Salmon cannot get. Would we had a Mermaid-Rebecca to do
their business ! A Bill, in partial emancipation of the poor Salmon,
has been sent to a Committee. We never respected Meg-o'-the-
Mill so much as during the debate : —
" She 's gotten u enrle wi' « pock full of siller,
And broken the heart of the Barley Miller."
And very right too, if he had a weir that insulted our'finest fish.
Thursday. — In the course of a debate on the Bill on Ecclesiastical
Courts, EARL GKANVILLK was fetched from the Chamber. The
(Jn:EN, with her invariable consideration for the feelings ol In -r
subjects, had despatched an Equerry to inform Ministers, that they
in turn might inform the House, of what had occurred at Bucking-
ham Palace. It may be best to give the Earl's own words : —
" Tour Lordships will excuse my interruption of this diecuMion. I hove
ju»t been informed that ;i boy of eighteen or nineteen run into the court-yard
of Buckingham Palace us the QfBKN entered, followed the carriage to the
door, which it at a short distance from tin rntrunce gnt"n, and presented an
old-faahioued pistol within a foot of HKK MAJK-STY'S hca.l. TheQrKF.x turned
her head, an. I the boy was seized. I am informed that the pistol wa» not
loaded, and it is believed thut the object of the boy was to compel HEU MAJBHTY,
by fear, to sign a Fenian document which he held in hit bund. The QUEEN
•hawed the greatest courage anil composure." (Loud c/uen.)
The DUKE OP RICHMOND replied : —
" I hope I may be pardoned if I lay one word about the attack made upon
HER MAJESTY by this miscreant. Prom what my noble friend sayg, that attack
was one of the mo»t contemptible character, for I gather from hi* itat>
that there wai neither powder nor shot in the pistol. At all erenti, my
Lords, this incident has had one food effect — that of giving an addition il
proof to the country of the magnificent conduct and courage disolayed by
HEU MAJESTY on this as on all other occasions. Perhaps I may also Se allowed
to express my gratification at the splendid display of loyalty on the previous
day, and to say how much I rejoice at the reception which HKB MAJEKTY
met throughout this great city from the enormous concourse gathered
together." (Loud cheert.)
The business of the House was then resumed, and it should be
noted that when similar announcement had been made in the
Commons by MR. GLADSTONE, the Members, having signified their
feelings by the loudest cheers, at once applied themselves again to
their work. Lords and Commoners thus testified that while their
warmest sympathies were with the Royal Lady, the act which had
roused them, and the wretched creature who had committed it, were
regarded as too despicable to be worth a single indignant speech.
In the (.'ominous, question wag raised about the summary execu-
tion of sixty-five Kookas in India. MR. GRANT DUFF said that there
was nothing irregular in the act, whether it were justifiable or not.
Considering what a melancholy exhibition of themselves was made
by certain philanthropists of the cosmopolitan sort when GOVERNOR
EYRE, as MR. CARLYLE says, " saved Jamaica," people at home do
well to inquire, this time, before denouncing what may seem over-
stern dealing with rebels.
A Ballot debate followed, and MR.' FAWCETT objected to pushing
on a measure for giving the Secret Vote, of which he approved,
unless the Bill for preventing Corrupt Practices should also be for-
warded. There was much discussion hereon, and MR. GLADSTONE
promised something which MR. DISRAELI said was fair. SIR
GEORGE JESSEL (he will accept our best congratulations on hia
knighthood) spoke.
MR. CAVENDISH BENTINCK proposed that divisions in the House
of Commons should be taken by Ballot. He made a speech, and
said that OLIVER CROMWELL had opposed this, because he wanted to
be' a Dictator. The House treated the proposition as a bit of farce
and this brought up in wrath the other MR. BENTINCK, who abused
the House in language which the SPEAKER caused him to retract.
Friday.— MR. GLADSTONE informed the House that the American
answer was to leave Washington that evening. We are ready.
Nunquam nan parati, and so forth.
Another Post-Office Reform. Thanks again, MR. SCUDAMORE.
We are to be allowed to fix the halfpenny stamps to private cards.
We shall make all our calls this way in future.
SIB ROUNDELL PALMER proposed^ to establish a School of Law.
The ATTORNEY-GENERAL opposed this, and the lawyers had nearly
all the talk to themselves for the rest of the evening. Finally, the
Palmerian proposal was rejected by 116 to 103.
The QUEEN'S beautiful letter to her people, thanking them for
their demonstrations of loyalty, and for their remarkable order on
Thanksgiving Day, appeared on Saturday, and delighted us all.
HER MAJESTY'S womanly Italics gave an additional charm to the
letter. VIVAT REOINA!
A Legitimate Crown.
ON Leap Year's Day, the 29th of February, a Telegram arrived
from Amsterdam, informing us that the COUNT DE CHAMBORD. with
his suite, had left Dordrecht, and arrived on that day at Breda,
where he had alighted at the Crown Hotel. The COUNT DE CHAM-
BORD does not abdicate the Crown of France by stopping at the
Crown of Breda, which, however, he may by this time have dis-
covered to be the Crown for his money.
VOLUNTEER WORK FOR APRIL.— To review the March Past.
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 9, 1872.
THE NEW CURATE.
Orthodox Elderly Spinster. "WHAT A HEAVENLY SERMON, MARIA! THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE ONLY SHUT YOUR EYES, I DECLARE YOU
MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS A BlSHOP ! ! ! "
PETEK QUINCE HIS BALLAD OF
BOTTOM'S DREAM.
" I will get PETEK QUINCE to write a ballad of this dream ; it shall
be called BOTTOM'S Dream, because it hath no bottom." — Midsummer
Night's Dream, Act iv., Sc. 1.
'Tis of Bully BOTTOM, a cobbler stout
As ever wax-end drew,
To patch a hole in a damaged sole,
Or set up a down-trod shoe.
Till from fair work to frothy talk
He fell, in evil day,
And to the " Hole-in-the-Wall " must walk,
To hear the asses bray.
Then, " Why," thought he, " contented wait,
Botching at sole and heel,
With holes so great in Church and State
Such rents i' the common-weal ?
With a wax-end shall he contend,
That in talk might wax high ?
And upper-leathers only mend,
With upper classes by ? "
The more he talked the less he toiled,
And as the less he earned,
His blood 'gainst Capital it boiled,
Against employers burned :
Of stool and strap he would no more ;
Away his awl he cast :
And by St. Crispin stoutly swore
Not to stick to his last.
And all the less grew common sense,
The more grew self-conceit ;
On weekly papers went his pence —
Their wind to him was meat :
And when of his own froth at last.
Report in them began,
He to the wind his apron cast,
And started Public Man !
Demonstrated : sent round the hat :
Raved in Trafalgar Square,
While still the British Lion sat,
And stared with quiet stare :
Talked fustian stuff, while rogue and rough
Shouted, and shoved, and stole ;
And JOHN BULL tame failed to inflame
With a red cap on a pole.
Till reason strayed, and BOTTOM brayed,
Yet deemed not sense had fled :
Nor knew, poor owl, his jobbernowl
Had grown an ass's head !
So, to Fool's-Paradise a- whirled,
He dreamed a wondrous dream,
Wherein the world an asses' world,
And he its Lord, did seem.
There everything is upside down :
Highest to lowest drops :
Crowns serve but to be stood upon,
Pyramids rest on tops.
Reason is under Folly s feet,
Ignorance Knowledge schools ;
The Cook is basted by the meat ;
Workmen ruled by their tools.
And in this topsy-turvy row
Sits Bully BOTTOM crowned ;
Abiut his ass's ears and brow
The bonnet-rouge y-bound.
And, asinine, from throats of brass,
The chorus rises free,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MARCH 9, 1872.
BOTTOM'S DREAM.
NICK BOTTOM (the Working- Man). " I HAVE HAD A DREAM - "
" I will get PCTEB QUINCE to write a ballad of this dream : it shall be called BOTTOM'S Dream, because it hath no bottom."
MARCH 9, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
105
" For President we '11 choose an ass,
And BOTTOM top shall be ! "
Sudden a tile of monstrous size
I'jion his ass-head hurled,
Shocks him from his Fools'-Paradise,
Back to the waking-world.
And lo, things are not upside-down,
Heads have not all turned tails :
Cobblers have not assumed the Crown,
Nor Roughs smashed all the rails.
All is serene, for PKINCE and QVEKK
JOHN BULL cheers as they pass ;
And Bully BOTTOM, feeling mean,
Suspects himself an ass.
And Punch lest he the lesson miss,
Plucks off his ass's jowl,
And shows him how he looked in this,
Adorned with Phrygian cowl !
And PBTEB QUINCE for QUEEN and PRINCE,
And for his gossip's good,
This ballad-scheme of BOTTOM'S dream,
Hath writ, and cut in wood.
Whence the Queen's Lieges all may learn
How such dreams read should be,
Their lack of bottom may discern,
And plain truth through them see !
THE PARKS BILL.
HIS Bill is to be
reprinted with
amendment!. By
a fortunate combi-
nation of circum-
stances, with which,
we are bound to
add, the Queen's
Printers have not
the remotest con-
nection, we are en-
abled to satisfy
public curiosity and
to give an outline
of the alterations
which will be sub-
mitted to the House
of Commons.
No Public Meet-
ing will be per-
mitted to be held
in any of the Parks,
without the pres-
ence in the Chair
of the Ranger, the
First Commission-
er _ of Works, the
Prime Minister, the
Lord Mayor, or
one of the Sheriffs, the Chairman of the Metropolitan Board of
Works, or ME. W. VEHNON HABCOUBT. The resolutions to be
proposed must previously be laid before and approved by the two
Houses of Convocation, the Committee of the Carlton Club, or the
Commissioners for the Reduction of the National Debt.
No Appointments for Private Meetings in the Parks will in
future be allowed to be made, without the permission in writing of
the Ranger or the First Commissioner, who will require satisfactory
proof that the parents or guardians of the lady are aware of the
attachment, and give their consent to the proposed congress.
Any Deputy- Ranger, Park-keeper, or Policeman, who may observe
a female domestic servant in charge of children, with or without a
perambulator, seated on a bench or on the grass, and talking to,
laughing with, or smiling on a young man wearing a military
uniform, is empowered to interrupt their proceedings, and to
demand from him his name and the name and station of his regi-
ment, and from her the name and address of her employer ; and to
caution them that they will not be suffered to renew the acquain-
tance in any of the Royal Parks or Gardens, without the production,
on the part of the soldier, of an authority signed by his commanding
officer, and, on the part of the nursemaid of a letter from her
mistress sanctioning the intimacy.
In consequence of the high price of provisions, the fee for the hire
of a chair provided with arms will be reduced to three-halfpence.
The charge for a chair without arms will remain as at present fixed,
but the occupant will not be allowed to retain it beyond two hours,
except in cold weather. When the present contract with the lessees
of the chairs expires, the First Commissioner will take them into
his own hands.
To promote the study of natural science amongst the upper classes,
onee a week, during the months of May, June, and July, the First
Commissioner will hold an afternoon Botanical Class in Hyde Park,
and lecture on its trees, plants, and flowering shrubs, with the aid
of the descriptive labels belonging to them. Toadies and gentlemen
attending the class will have the option of taking notes, and passing
an examination in the lectures at the end of the London Season,
when prizes will be awarded to the most proficient students.
Witnin twelve months of the Bill receiving the lioyal Assent, the
group of Achilles at Hyde Park Corner, and the equestrian statue
surmounting the Arch on Constitution Hill, will be removed to the
middle of Hampstead Heath and Epping Forest respectively ; unless,
in the mean time, a requisition signed by the Presidents of the
various incorporated Art Societies in the Metropolis, be presented to
the First Commissioner imploring him to retain these memorials of
a nation's gratitude in their present positions.
The estimates for the financial year 1H72-3 will include a sum for
replanting Primrose Hill with primroses, crocuses, snowdrops, and
other Spring flowers. To lessen the expense to the nation, contribu-
tions of plants and bulbs are solicited. They will be thankfully
received and officially acknowledged.
The design for any drinking fountain proposed to be erected in
a Royal Park or Garden, must be approved by a Committee of Taste,
to consist of a Royal Academician, a Fellow of the Institute of
British Architects, an official of the Science and Art Department,
the Editor of the Art Journal, LORD ELCHO, MB. BEKESVORD HOPE,
and a prominent Teetotaller.
Smoking will be permitted in the Parks and Gardens, and encou-
raged in the Conservatories ; but samples of the tobacco and cigars
must be sent, ten days beforehand, to the Office of Works, which
will submit them to the Customs, which will confer with the Excise,
which will report upon them to the Treasury, which will consult the
Board of Trade, and a decision will be given before the Parliament-
ary Recess.
No alteration will be made in the existing arrangements for the
custody, preservation, and maintenance of the birds on the orna-
mental waters, but that the expense of keeping up the Parks may be
reduced to the lowest point consistent with the national honour and
dignity, as the present fowls die off, their places will not be filled up.
Calculations naving been made by the Government Actuary that
an important addition to the Revenue may be derived from sources
of income hitherto unaccountably neglected, young gentlemen and
ladies sailing their own boats on the Serpentine and other navigable
waters, will, from the passing of the Act, be charged a small fee for
the accommodation. La addition to the usual payments, boat-money
will also be levied on all persons hiring pleasure vessels or availing
themselves of the ferries. A charge of one penny will be made for
every dog thrown into or allowed to enter the water. Kites may be
flown as at present, free of expense.
Flirting in the Royal Parks and Gardens will be strictly prohibited.
The deputy-rangers, park-keepers, and police have orders to enforce
with the utmost stringency the regulations laid down for the pre-
vention of this reprehensible practice.
As the country contributes towards the cost of the military
bands, and the taxpayers enjoy but rare opportunities of hearing
their music gratuitously, a regimental band wul play in each of the
Royal Parks and Gardens on one day in the week during the Summer.
A CONVINCED CORRESPONDENT.
MR. PVKCH has certainly succeeded in editing One Correspondent
into a sense of the fitness of things, though the language in which
he conveys that sense is somewhat familiar, not to say vulgar. He
says —
" For years I 've »ent in thing* to Punch,
And this wai all I got ;
The things came back, ' Declinul, wilh TH»nkt.'
Which meant, ' They 're awful rot.' "
No, the word is coarse.1 But the idea does not lie very remote
from it. Perhaps some other Correspondents will take note of the
suggestion — and save Mr. Punch trouble.
Wanted.
PEOPLE in the country seem to be very moderate in their wants,
and easily satisfied. We are led to make this reflection from seeing
an advertisement from some modest person in Yorkshire, residing,
too, in one of its largest and most important towns, who would be
quite content with " a London second-hand Milliner."
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAROII 9, 1872.
HUNTING IN 1872.
CHARLES AND EMILY DECLARE THE RAIN is ONLY SHOWERS— WHICH ARE SOON OVEB !
MOVEMENTS IN LOW LIFE.
(Perhapt as interesting to Some People as other Social Movements
may be to Other People.)
Ma. and MBS. BAWLER, wandering street-minstrels, accompanied
by their only son and heir, aged eleven weeks, arrived in town last
Tuesday week, in order to be present at the National Thanksgiving.
Ma. JEREMIAH SNEAX has left his East End residence, and is at
present on a visit, for a period of six months, to the Governor of
Newgate.
ME. JOHN MUGGINS has removed from Seven Dials to Blaokman
Street, Whitechapel, and has opened an establishment for the
development of chimney-sweeping upon scientific principles.
MB. CBAWLEB, four-wheel cab-driver, haying received fifteen
shillings for conveying two distinguished foreigners from Leicester
Square to Temple Bar, treated his wife and family to a drive in
Oxford Street, to see the pretty Chinese lanterns on the evening of
Thanksgiving Day.
Ma. SOLOMON SWAGG has, for certain precautionary reasons,
quitted his abode in Dark Alley, near Houndsditch, but may be heard
of upon cautious application, after nightfall, to the potboy of the
Golden Fleece, Cadger Court, Whitechapel.
MBS. TUBBS, of Islington, having lately sold her mangle, has
closed her clear-starching establishment, and retired to a neat
cottage in the neighbourhood of Hounslow.
MB. and MBS. BUGGINS, Junior, of Pie Court, Drury Lane, have
arrived at the Blue Dragon, Hornsey, with the intention of there
spending the first week of their honeymoon, in company with the
mamma of MBS. BUGGINS.
MESSIEURS BONES and SAMBO, Ethiopian Serenaders, having bel-
lowed themselves hoarse in the back-streets on Thanksgiving Day
have retired for a week from the exercise of their profession, and
are planning, for health's sake, a short tour in the provinces.
MB. GOLLOPS, having recovered from his recent fit of drinking,
will resume his work as bill-sticker in Hammersmith next Monday.
MRS. CURDS has retired from her milk-walk in Camberwell,
having disposed of it by private contract to her neighbour, MBS.
WHEYFACE.
MB. GOUGE, Garotter, having been presented with a ticket-of-
leave, is paying a round of friendly visits to his pals, previously to
his resuming his professional engagements.
MASTER JONES, Crossing-Sweeper, has removed from Regent
Street to try his luck in Piccadilly.
MB. CLYFAKER has arrived in London for the season, after having
passed the winter in seclusion, having been prescribed a daily round
of exercise upon the treadmill.
MBS. BIDDY MALONEY has, in consequence of her rheumatics,
removed from her old apple-stall at the corner of Charles Street,
after disposing of her stock-in-trade, and the goodwill of her busi-
ness, to her husband's second cousin, MBS. MOLLY O'SaiVEB.
MB. GBUBBINGS, Costermonger, having come into a small fortune
by the death of his wife's uncle, Ma. SLOBBEBS, Rag and Bottle
Merchant, Borough, has sold his moke and barrow at an alarming
sacrifice, and is going to the dogs as fast as drink can carry him.
MB. CADGER, Professional Mendicant, finding business slack in the
suburban districts, owing to the hateful anti-street-begging
societies, is at present on the tramp in the Eastern Counties.
SIGNOB SQUEAKI has arrived in town, with his monkey and his
barrel-organ, after a successful tour about the Midlands.
MB. CHALKS, Street Artist, has designed a new cartoon for pave-
ment decoration, which he exhibits every evening in the neighbour-
hood of Islington.
MESSIEUBS TAGG, RAGG, AND BOBTAIL, have returned to their
usual avocations, after being out upon the spree for nearly a whole
fortnight, thanks to the Thanksgiving.
Increase of Practice.
THE Aurists have been very busy ever since the 27th of last month
—the natural result of the "deafening cheers "on Thanksgiving
Day.
MARCH 1), 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
107
"THE HARP IN THE AIR."
Irish Gentleman (who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to th» fitful Music
of the Telegraph Wires). " SHURK ! WHOIVER T'AKE Tit OAM'T PLAT A BIT I How
CAN A JlNTLEMAN DANCE — (hie /) — IV YE DON'T RAPE TfllMB I " ! !
SAD FACT OF SOBRIETY.
A CORKESPONDKNT of the Morning Post, under the
name of " SUHKKMIIKS," ox prases his hope that "Siu
\V. I. uvgoN, SIB H. ANSTRUTHER, &c., took the oppor-
tunity of seeing " that the statement of a certain clique
that their fellow-countrymen are drunken " wag in-
applicable to the dense masses in the streets of London
on Tuesday night." It ia not to be expected that ocular
evident i.riityot the multitude, even upon an
occasion of festivity, would have the slightest effect on
the minds or intentions of "Sin \V. LA \VSON. SIR K.
AxsTiirniKK, Ac.," the "&o." including the Ki '. .
DAWSON HUKNS and the rest of the agitators for a Pro-
hibitory Permissive Democratic Despotic Liquor Law.
The " &c.," as the Teetotal Gentlemen of the Platform
may be called after the Chinese manner of denoting .-ill
foreigners by the letter " I," do not clamour for the clo-
sure of public-houses simply or even principally in order
to^the prevention of the drunkenness which they allege
to prevail amongst the people. It is not so much to
abate drunkmiusa that they want as to forbid drink-
ing, that is to say, the use of drinks which they have
renounced themselves. No doubt, in fact, both the
and their leaders would, instead of being at all gratitii ;.
on the contrary, have been very much disgusted at a
remarkable indication of the decrease of drunk
presented to them by the conduct of the crowd in tl.i
London streets, rejoicing, but spontaneously sober. I 'r
of sobriety growing voluntarily amongst the people
deprives the " &o. ' with LAWBON and DAWSOR, and
ANSTRUTHKR to boot, at their head, of all excuse for
demanding a statute to make it compulsory.
Shocking Fellows.
OFFENDERS diverse, on pretences
Equally false, commit offences |
Some rogues in office malversation ;
All hymnists malversification.
WHISPER THIS.
THE American Government persist*. Hm ! We know
the American advice tendered to the Tiohborne Jury.
Our Yankee friends are smart. Can it— can it be that
they mean to " square the Arbitrators."
THE CHA.NCE OF A CRUSADE.
Is there piety enough in France to encourage the Ultramontanes
in hoping for another European religious war, even now, at this time
of day ? They seem to flatter themselves there may be ; apparently
are not at any rate praying for peace in our time. Some of them
are said to have petitioned the National Assembly that "France
should protest against the territorial spoliation of the Church."
These Ultramontanes do not need to be told that those whom they
invoke to turn Protestants on the Papal behalf would protest to
little purpose unless their protest were backed with big battalions.
TI- 1,. V t > -i _ _ vi _ i. _AI !£ TO . _ t_a _
would be willing just now, before he has as yet paid off the Ger-
mans, to plunge his country in war for the idea or reinstating the
POPE in his temporal sovereignty ? That would obviouslv depend
on his continuance, as the case may be, in the opinion that such
piety is the best policy ; or his adoption, also possible, of the thought
that honesty is. He has reason for coming round to the proverbial
view. It were too illogical, he may perceive, for Republican French-
men who have chosen their own Government, to reimpose a despot-
ism on their neighbour twice. Perhaps it would be more prudent,
in his eyes, to secure the friendship of Italy, than to attempt, and
perhaps not succeed in, undoing the accomplished fact of Italian
Unity.
If, however, the prosperity of Ultramontane intrigues should
crown the COUNT DE CIIAMIIOKI), could the faithful of that denomi-
nation repose any trust in the likelihood that HENRI CINQ will start
a Crusade for the purpose of putting the Holy Humpty-Dnmpty
together again? Perhaps Kixu HKXRY would think twice, and
once more, like MB. GLADSTONE in another case supposed, before
engaging all the King's horses, and all the King's men (who would
he wanted) in such an enterprise. And might not the legitimate
Eldest Son of the Church perchance remember that the Holy Father
not only did not ever excommunicate, or even signify that he so
much as dreamt of excommunicating, usurpers of that title, but did
not hesitate to bless them over and over again, and bid them pro-
sper. One indifferent turn his Most Christian Majesty_ would perhaps
deem sufficiently well requited by another. The heir of St. Louis,
moreover, may possibly consider that the interests of the Papacy
altogether would be best left to be promoted by other wonden than
those which were for a season worked la iu cause by Imperial
Chas sepots. _ ^
CHANGING OUR MIND.
WE saw this in the Times the other day, and had intended to
remark upon it, that the advertiser's friends might do well to take
affectionate care of him :—
"CONSCIENCE MONEY. — The CHANCELLOR or THE EXCHEQUER acknow-
ledges the receipt of £8, in £1 Scotch bank-notes, for Income-tax, from
MB. CHBisToniEK COLUMBUS."
But, on second thoughts, MR. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was the
inventor of America, On the whole, just now, we think that he ought
to be in a penitent state of mind, and if the above be evidence that
he is, we are inclined to believe well of him.
An Eye to Business.
SHIRTHAKEUS, haberdashers, hosiers, and others interested in the
retail linen trade, felt great satisfaction at the public announco-
ment that Tuesday, the 27th of February, was to be a " Collar Day,"
and looked forward to a large demand for an indispensable article
of clothing. Our aristocracy, at all events, seem not to have dis-
which, no doubt, had been purchased for the occasion.
108
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 9,
UNAPPRECIATED LOYALTY.
SCENE — The Town Residence of Captain Qrummet of the Mercantile Marine.
First Bystander. " HULLO, BILL ! HEKK 's A GAME ! WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ? "
Second Ditto. "0, THIS is SOME FLAG-MAKER, YOU MAY DEPEND. THEY'VE UEEN AND
SHUT HIS SHOP UP BY ACT o' PAKLI'MENT, AND HE'S A BLOWIN' THE MOTH OUT OP HIS
STOCK " 1 1
[Now the Captain had refused a Trinity House ticket to view the Procession, that he might stop
at home and ' ' Dress Ship " for the occasion, and overhearing this misrepresentation, as he
stood at his garden-gate, was considerably riled.
All the World in the Park.
WE live and learn. Even those who are best acquainted with London must realise how
little they know of its vastness, and especially of the immense area of its principal park,
when they read that " another of the four quarters of the globe which surround the Albert
Memorial in Hyde Park has been placed in position." Their feeling will be one of amazed
incredulity, until they go on and find that " the subject is ' Asia,' and the Sculptor, ME.
FOLET, R.A."
ODE ON A MENTAL PEOSPECT OF
THE NEW LAW COURTS.
YE Courts of Law, about to rise
On site of former slums,
A vision bright before mine eyes-
Of future glory conies,
The glory of due justice, done
As now it is to every one,
But done in more commodious halls ;
Justice that perfect is, and cheap,
Doth at a snail's pace never creep ;
Ne'er for revision calls.
Time was, long since, when any thief,
Who wished by Law to prig,
Could, by supplying with a brief
A partner in a wig ;
A quack, exposed to public scorn,
Legal assistance could suborn.
And so his scoundrel's action bring :
A mercenary quean, and base,
By trumped-up breach of promise case,
Cash from a fool could wring.
All that is changed ; no venal tongue
Now pleads a caitiff's cause,
For plunder fee'd, by knave unhung,
To work the British laws.
No rogue can Counsel find, as mate,
To keep an heir from his estate,
Or help him to dislodge the rightful heir,
And plunge him into huge expense,
And mental misery immense,
As in the days that were.
Who will Contempt of Court commit,
So gross, as to deride
A Court which scarce a day can sit
Out ere a cause is tried '(
No advocates there, day by day,
Protract the suit which yields them
pay,
With altercation's lengthy jaw ;
Whilst both the parties' means do go,
Melted, in sunshine as is snow,
Among the Men of Law.
Such wrongs once were; have passed
away,
As all men will allow
To whom the papers news purvey
Each morn ; ne'er happen now.
New Courts of Law, you '11 not behold
Poor barristers who shall have sold
Their tongues to work the same intent
As that which plies another Bar
Whereby strong chests wrenched open
are:
The Burglar's instrument.
Beneath one roof united, yon
Palace of Justice bight,
Piled in masonic order due.
Will set forth Legal Right ;
_ Law which exists but to enforce
Right at least charge, by briefest
course ;
Law fairest, simplest, that the mind
And wit of man did e'er devise :
The admiration of the wise,
And envy of mankind.
Hard Words.
MBS. MALAPEOF read a paragraph about
shaving by aid of Euxesis. Wishing to
intimate to a clergyman who wore a beard,
her opinion that he would look better
without it, she told him that she should
recommend him an Exegesis. Best of it
is, he didn't know the word.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24. Holford Square, la the Parish of St. Jamei, Clerkenweu. In the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Office* of Veen*. Bradbury, Brani. * Co., Lombard
Street, in U>e Precinct of Whitefrlan, in the City of London, and PublUhet Dy him at No.St, Fleet Street, In the 1'arith of bt. Briie, City of Loidon.— SITCIUT, March 9, 1872.
MAPOU 16, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
SATISFACTORY.
" DININO AT LADY LABURNUM'S TO-MOREOW ? " " YAAS."
" So AH I." " So GLAD ! "
" So GLAB YOU 'BE GLAD ! ! " " SO GLAB YOU 'RE GLAB I 'it GLAB ! ! ! '
SONG BY A SOUTHERNER.
(To PRESIDENT GRANT.)
DOWN upon JOHN BULL, ULYSSES !
Bring the Britishers to book !
Statesmanlike of you, now. this is.
They '11 repent the line they took
Wlii-n, in hostile camps divided,
We were fighting ; we and you ;
And with neither part they sided,
But stood neutral 'twixt the two.
They '11 repent not having taken
Counsel tendered for their good,
And, with constancy unshaken,
'Gainst some pressure having stood.
They might have, instead of letting
Alalitimas slip, of course,
In a fix by that means getting,
Taken quite another course :
Might, as then in no condition
Two to one were you to meet,
Us have granted recognition.
And have backed it with their fleet,
Of our ports to make swift clearance,
In event of war, at hand —
They '11 repent non-interference,
Which has cost them your demand.
But two hundred millions under
Put your claims, or you '11 have made,
Pressing that surcharge, a blunder ;
Yes, Sir, for you '11 nought get paid.
England will to fight count cheaper
Than to pay all that for peace ;
Moderation will be deeper,
With a view Jons BULL to fleece.
Soul and Shoe.
AN "eminent Spiritualist" writes that the means by
which tables are caused to make noises are what he
calls " Psychics." Is this a misprint for " Sly kicks" '(
If so, the Eminent and Mr. Punch are agreed.
CLERKS OF THE WORKS.— Watchmakers' Assistants.
ANCIENT ROMAN REVIVALS.
IN a letter signed " SELLEBIM," the Morning Post publishes an
account of a trapeze performance at the Alhambra Theatre exhibited
by two girls, respectively sixteen and twelve years old. The enter-
tainment afforded by these children to an intelligent British Public
cM-cntially consists in risking their lives. The "apparatus" which
they employ to afford our Kind this pleasure is "nearly twice as high
and dangerous as that used by LEOTARD." One of their feats,
indeed, according to " SELLEHIM," is "technically and expressively
termed ' a leap for life '." The mere perusal of its description is
enough to turn any moderately nervous person, who is in the least
degree imaginative, delightfully giddy.
Among the series of splendid Peep-shows at the Crystal Palace
illustrative of Pompeii, is a representation of the sort of sport shown
by gladiators on the arena of an ancient Roman amphitheatre. Why
should not British managers be at liberty to revive this sort of
spectacle for the amusement of the humane and enlightened persons
who rush to witness trapeze performances ? Only because we have
no " Dacia men," or other captives or slaves, whose lives are of no
consequence, so that they can be killed without being murdered in
tbe eye of the law. If gladiatorial combats were only legal, like
trapeze feats, they would be not at all less elevating morally and
intellectually than those other dangerous and possibly, if not neces-
Mirily fatal displays. On the contrary, perhaps the sight of savages
Allying one another would, in comparison with that of innocent
children incurring the peril of death, be considerably the more
>r ratifying to the benevolent spectator. Moreover, trapeze per-
formers, in case of tumbling, may possibly fall on the people below,
»nd even children of twelve years old falling all the way from
the gallery to the pit would drop down upon them with a weight
(luite great enough to hurt those good people's heads. No incon-
venience of this sort could be caused by falling gladiators. The
Legislature might be petitioned to give the LORD CHAMBERLAIN the
power of licensing such real tragedies as those which used to be
VOL. LXII. 1
enacted in the Colosseum. Advertised by the appellation of San-
guinary Scenes in the Circle, no doubt they would draw crowds of
those sightseers who delight in scenes as like them as is possible in
the present state of civilisation. The revived scenes of slaughter
would exceed the original if enriched with the superaddition of a
comic element in the person of a Fool in the Ring, whose drolleries
should, of course, be entirely of that practical kind which alone in
their simplicity would be appreciable by beholders as richly endowed
with thought and imagination as our trapeze performance-goers.
As we conclude these profound remarks, we observe that a poor
boy, of fourteen, has just been killed by a fall from a trapeze at the
Alhambra Music Hall (but this is an imitation Alhambra), at Not-
tingham. Certainly we do not cancel the above paragraph.
A COUPLET FOR A KING.
His MAJESTY THE KING OF SIAM, now on a visit at Bombay, has
been showing himself a highly civilised monarch there. He was,
according to the Bombay Gazette, received by the COMMANDKB-IN-
CHIBF at the station ; but there is reason to doubt that he announced
himself to that gallant officer in an extemporaneous couplet of
macaronic verae, saying : —
" Ego sum, 7 am,
Tlie KINO OF SIAM."
For, indeed, nobody has stated that he did any such thing. Some-
body, however, may nave been reminded of one of GAY'S Fables, in
which a bookseller invites a wiser elephant to become literary.
" Learned Sir, if you 'd employ your pen
Against tbe senseless sons of men,
Or write the history of Siam,
No man is better pay than I am."
The animal had not the elegant manners displayed by literary
men, especially when they receive such invitations from publishers.
" Then, wrinkling with a sneer his trunk,
1 Friend,' quoth the elephant, ' you 're drunk.' "
110
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I M ASCII 16, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAT,
March 4.— What an odd
world it is ! Or stop, let
us be classical. HORACE
is always welcome to the
English gentlemen.
Quifit, MSCENAS, utnemo,
quam sibi sorteiu,
Seu ratio dederit, seu fors
objecc-rit, ilia
Contentus vivat : laudet di-
versa sequentes ?
ME. THEODORE MAR-
TIN, you are always
happy to oblige a lady,
we are sure. There may
be one lady who desires
an interpretation. Sing :
"Tell me, MAECENAS, if
you can,
How comes it that no
mortal man
Is with his lot in life
content,
Whether he owes it to the
bent
Of his free choice, or for-
tune's whim,
And why is there such
charm for him
Li the pursuit his neigh-
bour plies? "
These Lords, who might do nothing but walk about the Squares with golden
coronets on their brows, patronising the plebeians, are already clamouring
for work. They envy the Commons, and demand Bills. LORD GRANVILLE
promised them something, perhaps a Cattle Bill, as if the Nobles were those
"whose talk is of bullocks."
As numbers of the Peers came up to that Lord, and congratulated him on the
birth, that morning, of a son and heir, Mr. Punch may surely add his gratu-
latory compliment. There is no lady in the Peerage, or out of it, who has two
prettier names than LADY GRANVILLE. " CASTALIA ROSALIND " makes perfect
music. By the way, the Earl gave a large dinner-party the same evening.
The aristocracy, it is true, do not shout and sing after dinner, like cads, but
still .
In the Commons/MR. PENDER took his seat for Wick. Do you know that
this gentleman hath a town-house that must be dear to every lover of English
literature ? 'Tis the house in which HORACE WALPOLE spent the earlier part of
his life, before SIR ROBERT moved to the other house in Arlington Street, over
the way.
The French Government are obligingly deporting to England batches of
Communists. Twenty were sent from Dieppe. We believe that at least half of
them are no worse than other people, and that a great many are much to be
pitied, bnt the remitting them here is not a friendly act.
COLONEL TOMLINE got on his silver coinage again, and MR. LOWE explained
that Government was not bound to keep a certain quantity going about. When
there is a demand, the Mint coins. What is the reason that the Mint has not
struck a graceful Thanksgiving Medal, to be procured at various prices? A
collection of French medals is a history. Do we never do anything worth
commemorating ?
We went into Committee on DRTJTD CARDWELL'S Army Scheme. MR. HOLMS,
of Hackney (hard words for most of his constituents), moved to reduce the Army
by 20,000 men. There was a debate on this, and Mr. Punch observed with
satisfaction that SIR HENRY HOARE (hard words for most of his constituents)
rebuked those who would, unpatriotically, weaken our land force. He begged
MR. CARDWELL not to listen to Rodomontade— that is the way to spell the word,
which is derived from the name of the great old hero whose deeds were, how-
ever, not so great as fools said they were. Here, the aitoh is to be dropped out.
MR. GOSCHEN said that Government and its workmen were on the best terms
with one another, and that it would he a good thing if Members and others
did not come meddling between them. We rather incline to hold with him.
Tuesday.— LVBS LANSDOWNE said that the Public Offices in Downing Street
would be ready in 1874, and in the mean time he should not pull down the
houses in front of them. Very well, but will he mind having the road there-
abouts occasionally cleaned ? It was complained of to Parliament by CHARLES
THB SECOND, who said that his bride had to come to him through the mud there,
and we are not sure that it has been swept since.
In the Commons MR. DIXON led on his League to battle against the Education
Act. MR. FOB.STEB met him full front, and defied him, and carried a resolution
to the effect that the Act has not yet had fair play, and ought not to be meddled
with. The Conservatives stood by the Cabinet, and the meddlers, who are
inspired by a vehement and doubtless conscientious hate of Church influences,
and who prefer hindering education to letting the Church educate, were twice
defeated, by 355 to 94, and by 323 to 98. Obserre.— MR. FORSTER is accumu-
lating golden opinions from all sorts of men, and one day he will stand on the
aureous heap, and then you '11 see how high he '11 be, if
he only minds his business and reads his Punch.
Wednesday. — This was a great day at Westminster, if
not in the House. On, Monday, the jury in the Tiuhborne.
case had said that they did nut want any mora evidence,
meaning that they were convinced that the Claimant was
an Impostor. To-day, the sponge was thrown up, and,
a few hours later, Claimant CASTRO, or ORTOS, or what-
ever he is, was safe in the care of MR. Jo»\s, the ex-
cellent Governor of Newgate. The CHIEF JUSTICE
declared his opinion that CASTRO had been guilty of
wilful and corrupt perjury. So that those who warned
the Australian butcher that at the end of the trial it
must be " Tichborne or Portland," warned him wistsly.
Mr. Punch joyfully records the collapse of an auda-
cious attempt at robbery, supported by one of the most
I cruel and dastardly slanders ever devised by rogues in
council. He also rejoices in the thought that the folks
j who lent money in aid of the scheme have lost it all.
MR. CHARLEY carried the Second Reading of a Bill for
the protection of "Infants" whom it is not sought to
rob, but to kill, from the practices of Baby-Farmers.
Tlie penalties imposed are " rough and ready ; " and yet
MR. WINTERBOTHAM, for Government, did not admire
the measure. If that be its worst fault, we earnestly
hope that it will pass.
MR. MUNTZ carried the Second Reading of another erooi
measure, one for preventing the Adulteration of Food.
It is to increase the penalties for this kind of rascality,
but LOKD E. CECIL 'thought it not stringent enough.
Perhaps Government, this time, did not admire it on that
account. Your Minister is a wonderful being.
Thursday.— Well said, LORD MALMESBTJRY. We have
not had the frequent happiness of applauding your Lord-
1 ship, and therefore have the more pleasure in assuring
you of our present respect and esteem. You complain
that the traffic in London is incessantly impeded by
coal-waggons. Yes, and by all sorts of other abomi-
nable Juggernaut cars, which ought not to be allowed
in the streets during the hours of business. But the
Railway element is too strong in the House of Commons
to let us hope for redress. Yet those who pretend to
study the_ wishes and comfort of the people should note
the frantic joy of the population when a Van comes to
grief, and the pleasure with which we all receive the
news that a Van-Demon is sent to jail. Life and limb
are in danger every minute of the day from the vans
and waggons. A League of Country Members, who are
not afraid of certain influences, might come to our aid.
MR. GLADSTONE said the Government held themselves
bound to pay the costs incurred by GOVERNOR EYKE. It
will be remembered that he had to defend himself against
fanatic prosecutions. To MR. M'ARTHUH, who absurdly
brought up the case of GORDON, a coloured Baptist
preacher, hanged for his share in the Jamaica riots, MR.
GLADSTONE quietly replied, that there was no analogy
between the cases, and that no compensation was due
to GORDON'S representatives.
The ATTORNEY-GENERAL informed MR. EYKYN that
the perjured CASTRO would certainly be prosecuted by
the Crown, and that it was under consideration whether
certain other persons should not receive the same atten-
tion. We fear that they have accepted notice to " bolt."
Scotch Education occupied the rest of the evening.
MR. ATJBERON HERBERT has been taken to task for say-
ing that Parliament should decide questions without
reference to the temporary opinion of the constituencies,
yet MR. ORR EWING, one of the gravest and most sen-
sible men in the House, said just the same thing later —
"we were to vote on pur convictions of what was right,
irrespective of the feeling out of doors." Are we Legis-
lators or Delegates ? The Scotch Bill was carried by
an enormous majority — 238 to six !
Friday. — The Cape Colony gives more trouble to the
Colonial Office than all the other colonies put together,
complained Ministers, in answer to some pertinent in-
quiries by LORD SALISBURY. Hm ! There is a story in
SYDNEY SMITH'S memoirs about a pugnacious person
who related that a dog had rushed out and bitten him.
SYDNEY said that he should like to hear the dog's
account of the matter.
In the Commons we heard that PRINCE ALAMAYHEW,
son of THEODORE of Abyssinia, was to be carefully edu-
cated, as a private young gentleman, in England, lie
is too young and delicate for a rough public bchool. He
MABCU 16, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
in
might have been re-christened RASSELAS, in honour of the literature
nt hi^ adopted country.
Iii-hiitr on question whether a Welsh County Court Judge ought
to be able to understand Welsh. Members for Wales were very
courteous, if urgent, in their representations that he ought; and
Mil. DHUCK, who is "'half a Welshman," promised that, in future,
attention should be paid to their desire. Justic6.sb.ould be blind, but
not virtually deaf.
We are tired of the Kwelrae Rectory business. It came on again,
and MB. GLADS-TUNE defended himself with a great deal of ability,
hut MB. HENLEY summed up the proceeding in what he stated to be
the way the " country folks" described it. " It ain't right, and we
wouldn't have expected it from MB. GLADSTONE."
The Parks Bill made much progress, in spite of MB. VXBNOK
IIAIICOCBT and the mob meetings, at which persons in mock canonicals
chant profane parodies on the Litany, by way of proving that the
assemblies are desirable.
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
MR. BARLOW, and MASTERS Tujntr MKRTOX ami H.IRRV SANDFORD,
vitit t/it JlAViiAHKST THEATRE.
OMMY and HABBY
were much diverted
with the ceremonies
of the festal Tues-
day, which they
witnessed partly
from a convenient
situation in Fleet
Street, and partly
from a prominent
position near the
Marble Arch,
whither they re-
paired in all haste
after cheering the
QUEEN at St. Paul's.
On this occasion
TOMMY was not a
little gratified with
the high respect
with which he
found himself
treated, as well by
the admiring popu-
lace, as by the
honest soldiery,
and the chiefs of
the intelligent
police.
" I am indeed glad," said TOMMY, " to hara been a spectator of
this marvellous exhibition of enthusiastic loyalty. I had thought
that Queens and Princes never did anything but wear crowns on
their heads, and eat sweetmeats all day. 1 see that I was wrong.
As for the LOHD MAYOR and the Sheriffs, I protest I am so delighted
with their grandeur and beauty, that I could spend the whole day
in observing them."
" It was indeed fortunate," observed MR. BABLOW, " that the
weather was so uncommonly tine. But were we denizens of a more
northern region, we should be compelled to dwell in a climate
where, during winter, darkness reigns for several months."
Tummy. Pray, Sir, stop. What ! are there countries where it is
night continually for several months together ?
llm-ry. Indeed, TOMMY, MB. BABLOW is right.
Tummy. Why, then, Sir, I protest such a country should be filled
with theatres. For my part, I would not care how long the night
was, so that I could be continually diverted with some entertaining
spectacle. Truly, Sir, in such a climate as you have been describing,
a run of one night for any theatrical exhibition would indicate a
great success.
Ma. BARLOW now produced three tickets for the Haymarket
Theatre, and proposed that, should his young friends not be over-
come with fatigue, they should forthwith set out for that place of
amusement.
" Dear heart ! " said TOMMY, " what a number of plays we shall
have seen before our holidays are ended 1 And, indeed, I begin to be
of opinion that it is impossible for a person of elegance to live any-
where except in London."
HARBY smiled at this, and MR. BARLOW observed, that if he felt
tired he could go to bed at once.
"0 pray, Sir," said TOMMY, " do let, us visit the theatre to-night !
I think I could now attend a theatrical entertainment for ever with-
out being tired."
After listening to some excellent melodies with which the honest
musicians seated in the orchestra for that purpose had regaled them,
they now turned all their attention towards the stage, having been
informed by their beloved tutor that they were now about to witness
a mythological comedy entitled Pygmalion und Galat&a,
Hurry. As I am alive, here is MB. BCCKSTONE. Xow, MASTER
TOMMY, we shall indeed be vastly diverted.
1 luring the progress of the play the young people showed by their
attentive demeanour how pleased they were with everything they
saw and heard.
"There is," continued MB. Buu.ovv, "a certain freshness in
the treatment of this story, and an easiness in the versification,
which entitle the honest author to a larger share of commendation
than I am, in most cases, able to bestow."
Harry. This is intended for a Greek piece.
Mr. Barlow. Without doubt.
Harry. Is, then, Sir, Leuctppe a correct name for a Qreek
soldier !'
Mr. Barlme. You may remember, HABBT, that, at the (iueen's
Theatre, when " Apceoides " was pronounced " Appy-cides," I told
you, perhaps there existed some authority for these quantities with
which we were unacquainted. And in this case I do not doubt but that
the honest writer and tin- sturdy comedian to whom this part has been
intrusted, had each suftiuient warrant, both for the appellation and
the costume which closely resembles that of the illustrious Jci.n -
( ' i ~ VK. But where all is so good, these are small matters ; and my
dear TOMMY and HABBY, 1 would warn you, as strongly against
excessive and indiscriminate praise on the one hand, as against such
useless hypercritieism which, in examining, with one eye, certain
faulty details through a microscope, shuts the other to the better
part of the picture. And, indeed, for my part, I would as soon
blame the entire work for this oversight as charge upon the 'Worthy
author the (election of the Huston Koad Statuary which adorns
Pygmalion's «tudio, or the Egyptian costume of the lady who plays
the Greek wife, Cyniaca. I trust, my dear TOMMY and HABKY, that
you will be ever able to distinguish sound from sense, and to dis-
criminate between what is merely verse, and what is really poetry.
I do not think that I have, for some space, witnessed any theatrical
representation where, as in this case, the merits so far outweigh its
demerits, that one can pronounce a verdict of almost unqualified
commendation upon the whole performance.
Tommy. I protest, Sir, for my part, that, being nnable to form
any clear opinion of my own, I shall repeat, in company, all that
you, Sir, have just said with so much discretion.
Mr. Barlow. Whether, then, MASTEB TOMMY, do you consider it
more honest to use your own faculties, or those of others ?
TOMMY was much abashed at this rebuke, and owned that he had
hitherto preferred to come to an agreement with those who might be
discussing any matter, than, by expressing a contrary opinion, to
incur a diminution of friendship.
Mr. Barlow. Then would you sacrifice honesty to personal ease ?
Is it not more noble to assert one's own views with sufficient
modesty ?
Harry. Your remarks, Sir, call to my mind the story of Lennidas
and the Conceited Pedlar, which, as TOMMY has not yet heard it, I
will now proceed to relate. You must know, then, MASTER
TOMMY
At this moment, the curtain rising upon the afterpiece, precluded
further conversation.
On quitting the Theatre, MB. BARLOW sent his card to the
Manager, and on which he had written, that " he wished him con-
tinually increasing prosperity, and that if MR. BCCKSTONE would
like to near the story of Pizarro anil the Virtuous Shrimp, he would
attend him forthwith in the Knffy next door."
No message, however, being returned, MB. BABLOW, after waiting
for two hours on the steps of the Cafe, buttoned up his coat, and
followed his young friends to their lodgings in the Strand.
A GOOD DAY'S WORK.
"The Paris Correspondent of the Ufanehuter Guardian telegraphs that an
English deputation waited on M. TRIERS ye«terday morning, with a .view to
obtaining the abolition of pawpnrta, improved international travelling, and
the support of the French Government for improved harbours and the pro-
posed tunnel under the Channel. M. THIEHB received the deputation mo«t
graciously, and went over the whole ground." — fall Mall Gazette.
ALL the wonderful things now-a-days are done by the old men.
What middle-aged man, what young man, would have had strength,
to go " over the whole ground," like M. THIEKS? The friends and
admirers of the President of the French Republic must be delighted
to know that he is so hale and hearty. For a man of his years to
accomplish such a long and fatiguing journey, shows a vigour of
Constitution which we are not accustomed to find in France.
112
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 1872.
SUNDAY MANNERS IN HUMBLE LIFE.
Sam Cosier. "'EBB! 'Avs TWOPENN'ORTH o' DONKEY RIDE, MABIA?"
Maria (his Missis). "THANK YEK, SAM! BUT I'D RATHEK TAKB IT IN LIQUOB, IF IT'S ALL THE SAMS TO rout"
AN OMNIBUS TAX.
THE simple abolition of Schedule D alone of all the Income-tax
Schedules would, as the Times demonstrates, be unjust ; but, if a
suggestion made by the Times were adopted, Schedule D would
probably be abolished very soon. Undoubtedly —
" Nothing can be more unjust than that an artisan who receives weekly
wages to the amount of £250 a year should escape taxation, while a clerk who
receives £200 a year in quarterly stipends should pay 6rf. in the pound
Income- tax."
As this partiality of taxation is perfectly unjust, of course nothing
can be more so. But there might be other inequalities equally
unjust. If an artisan earning £250 a year in weekly wages were
forced to pay sixpence in the pound Income-tax, it would be quite
as unjust that a crossing-sweeper who earns a shilling a day should
be charged nothing at all. Were the Income-tax distributed over
all incomes whatsoever, large and small, without exception, the
injustice of its incidence would be greatly diminished. But that
would be even more unpopular than taxing the People's tea and
sugar. The masses would much rather have a morning's meal sub-
ject to insensible taxation than a Free Breakfast Table procured by
an Income-tax shared by themselves.
mortal Immortals.
OUR notions of mortals and immortals, which, we admit, are
merely those of everyday commonplace sort of people, are thrown
into strange confusion when we read that " M. DUVEHGIEB DE
HAHRANNK was officially received into the French Academy yester-
day," and that "the new immortal delivered the customary pane-
gyric of his predecessor." The only apparent solution of the puzzle
wrapped up in these words is to suppose that the general instability
of things in France has affected even its immortals.
THE WAGGA.WOCK.
FIRSTLY, behold the Cartoon opposite ! As QTJABLES asks,
" Is not this type well cut, wil
Filled with rich cunning ? "
ith Zeuxian art ;
Of course it is. "That goes without to say." as the French
elegantly put it. But there is something which Mr. Punch means
to say.
He makes his best acknowledgments to LEWIS Ci) ROLL, author of
the deUghtfollest fairy lore extant, for the idea if a Mysterious
Monster. Everybody worth thinking about has read the sequel to
Alice in Wonderland, the new book called Through the Luoking-
Glass. Everybody can recite the marvellous poem therein, entitled
" Jabberwocky." It is a household hymn among the cultivated
classes, and its new and Chattertonian words are the delight of
society. Mr. Punch very nearly cried out to the PBINCE OF WALKS,
on meeting H.R.H. again, " Come to my arms, my Beamish Boy ! I:
But poets are also prophets, vide MB. CABLYLE, passim. The
Author of "Jabberwocky," when long ago revolving that graud
idea, in his scholarly seclusion, was preparing a type, the full merit
and value of which now bursts upon the world, at a touch from
Mr. Punch's magic wand. The Jabber wock meant the Waggawock,
over whose merited overthrow all honest persons are rejoicing. The
poem sets forth the story of the slaying of the Australian Monster.
Listen to a dream, and to the interpretation thereof : —
1 Twas brillig, and the slithy toi-et
Did gyre and gimble in the toabe,
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
H
ffl
t> o
» r;
: H W
H£«
fgp
l^t
F 1 3
5 2
e- <^
» W
5
I"
\\
MARCH 16, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
115
" lirwttre the JaMierumck, my snn !
The jaws that bite, the rlau.:i that catch .'
Beware the Jub-jub bird, and shun
Thefruiniout Jiaiidersiinlch."
He ttxik his rurpul strnrd in hand,
Long time the ittttnsoitir fitc hi-
Su rested hi- hi/ tin- 'J'uin '1'tnn tre
And stow/ awhile in
And as in !<///.s7i thmujht he stood,
Thi- ./ab'irricuck, with eyes of flame,
('aim- inhijltini/ through the titU/y ivu "I,
.{ltd burbled as it came!
Our, two.' One, two! And through and through
'llu' i-i'i-piil bltiile went miu'kcr-niini-k .'
He li-ft it <fnul, and irith its head
He ici'iit ijalitmphing
" And hust tliou slain the Jabberwi
('mill' In ni'i ucwi.s, in'/ Jin imm/i Hoi/!
Ofrn hj.nts day ! CalUioh I Callay ! "
1L' chnrti,',' In his joy.
Merely interpolating the note that the word " wabe " is explained
l.y the l'<>< t I i mi ;m " a prassplot round a sun-dial," but that it also
;i Court of Justice, being derived from the Saxon wattle, a
•u nr-shop, Mr. Punch proceeds to dress the prophetic ode in plain
Knglish: —
' Twos Maytim», and the lawyer coves
Did gibe and jabber in the wabe,
All men/tci-d were the Tii'hborne yrorei,
And their true lord, the Babe.
" Beware the Waggawock, my son,
The eyelid twitch, the knees' incline,
Self (ire the Baigent network, spun
i'nr gallant Ballantine."
He took his ton-weight brief in hand,
Long time the hidden clue he sought,
Then rested he by the Hawkins tree,
And sat awhile in thought.
And as in toughish thought he rocks,
The Waggawock, sans ruth or shame,
Came lumbering to the witness box,
And perjured out his Claim.
" Untrue ! untrue ! " Then, through and through
The weary weeks he worked the rack :
But March had youth, ere with the Truth
He dealt the final whack.
"And hast thou slain the Waggawock t
Come to my arms, my Beamish Boy !
O Coleridge, J. ! Hoorah ! hooray ! "
Punch chortled in his joy.
CAN A LADY KEEP A SECRET ?
THIS startling scrap of news we recently hare stumbled on, copied
from our trustworthy contemporary the Graphic : —
"A lady has found the principle which differentiates the finite from the
infinite. She asks the Academy of Sciences a million sterling for the secret."
It has been said that a lady cannot keep a secret. But this,
perhaps, depends on whether or no the secret is considered worth its
keep. A secret that is valued at a million sterling is certainly
worth keeping, if there be any likelihood of getting such a sum for
it. At the same time we should hesitate, if the seller were a lady,
to buy it at that price, and should rely on human nature with a
pretty strong persuasion that the secret, after all, being in a lady's
keeping, would not very long be kept.
Misleading Title.
To prevent a natural mistake, it may be as well to explain that
the " Pacific Islanders' Protection Bill," now before Parliament, is
not a measure to guard us poor peaceable English against Foreign
Invaders, Americans, Irish, &c.
UTILISATION OF VICE.
EPICAL of the decree of 1836, which made gam-
bling illegal in France, is advocated by not a
few thinking Frenchmen. Tin; necessity of
raising the wind to pay off the German indem-
nity has opened their eyes. Why tax all
manner of commodities, and even talk of im-
posing an Income-tax on honest people, when by licensing gaming-
houses, you might tax gamblers, and those, chiefly, foreign. M.
HKMU DE LA PKJJE computes that "the six German watering-
places where roulette and trente-et-quarante reign realise sixty
million francs a-year." His arguments for a revision of the anti-
gambling laws deserve our own consideration. Among us those
laws have not suppressed gambling, but only confined it to certain
forms. Instead of dice there are stocks and shares, and the horsey
betting-ring for all persons disposed to gamble. Why should they
not be as well allowed to play at roulette, trente-et-quarante, and
blind-hookey ? If they were, then they could choose their several
games, and there would be all the less gambling on the Turf and the
Stock Exchange. There would be fewer speculative fits, and panics.
No doubt gambling is a bad thing ; but the way to deal with a bad
thing which you cannot prevent is to make the best of it. By
legalising and licensing all manner of gambling-houses, inclusive of
betting offices, and imposing a tax on wagers, which would make
them recoverable, you could raise much revenue. Those who supplied
payment to it would not feel it, the loser would be untouched by an
impost on his loss, the winner insensible of a duty on his mere luck.
A gambler at present is simply a good-for-nothing fellow ; if his
gains were taxable and yielded tribute, he would be good for some-
thing. Gambling is a vice : granted. Suppose that all gambling
were permitted, from lotteries to pitch-ana-toss, under a duty ; in
so far, the expenses of the country would be paid by the vicious.
The virtuous would go scot-free. Put down vice in preference to
taxing it if you can. But if you can't, you can't ; and wouldn't it be
comparatively jolly for Virtue if Vice had to bear the national
burdens ?
A MYSTIC NUMBER.
IT is much to be wished that every cell in Newgate were empty,
but, next to vacant cells, arrangements for their future vacancy are
the most satisfactory. The following brief extract from a contem-
porary is calculated to afford some satisfaction : —
" THB CAT-O' -NINS-TAIIS.— Ninn felons convicted of robbery with vio-
lence are at present in Newgate awaiting punishment by the lash."
Nine felons together, with the Cat-o'-Nine-Tails in store for them,
form, considered in their mutual relation, an arithmetical coinci-
dence. Nine times nine are the square of nine, and when the nine
felons are multiplied by the nine tails, their accounts will be
squared.
116
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 187 2-
COMPLAISANT.
Artist (after trying for half-an-hour to get the Expression he wanted). "No, NO, IT WON'T DO, SMITHERS ! THE POSITION is CON-
STRAINED. Yon DON'T STAND EASY ENOUGH : I WANT YOU TO LOOK DRUNK, YOU KNOW."
Model (and he'd done his best, too). "WELL, IT is DIFFICULT TO 'MAKE BELIEVE,' SIR, — BUT — IF YOU SHOULD 'APPEN TO 'AVE 'ALF
A BOTTLE o' SPERITS IN YOUR CUPBOARD, WE COULD MANAGE IT IN NO TIME, SIR — I SHOULD BE MOST "APPY ! ! "
"FROM BETWEEN TWO STOOLS."
UP, in the cloud-lands of High Church,
Down, in the mud-Hats of Low,
Hark to your Chapel and my Church,
At it, with word and with blow !
Minister girding at Rector,
Rector on Minister down, —
A white-tied Achilles and Hector,
With National School for Troy-town.
Through a longer than ten-year-long leaguer
That fortress the Church-Hector held,
And with orthodox lance, keen and eager,
The Chapel-Achilles repelled.
But Achilles found allies and backers,
Who seemed, for the time, of his mind ;
Olympus was with the attackers,
And the scale against Hector inclined.
Awhile, those who 'd backed up Achilles
Rejoiced to see Hector give ground :
" When he thrust from Pergamus Hill is,
Free way to 't," they thought, " will be found.
Then, at last, thirsty souls may have entry,
To draw of those fountains so clear,
With no jealous clerical sentry,
To tax and toll all that come near."
But scarce is the Church-Hector driven
From the gate he so struggled to hold,
Than Achilles, who so long has striven
To oust the Church Champion bold,
Himself to his foe's place advances,
And takes his foe's weapons to wield :
As sharp-pointed rancour his lance is,
As sev'n-fold intol'rance his shield.
And stubborn, in front of the gate, there,
Where for entrance the thirsty ones pray,
He proclaims " If /please, you shall wait there ;
None shall pass, but by my will and way.
If Churchman once crowed o er Dissenter,
Now 'tis turn of Dissenter to rule ;
Not an urchin a free-school shall enter,
Unless 'tis a school of my school.
" If Hector once drove you like sheep on
The pathways to one Church that run,
Not less my road now you shall keep on —
The pathway that leadeth to none.
On these points there must be one mind, Sirs :
The point is, ' whose mind shall it be 't '
Once you settled with him, but you '11 fiud, Sirs,
Henceforth you 've to settle with me.
".My least finger, soon I will teach you,
More heavy than his loins doth weigh ;
If the teeth of his whips once could reach you,
I have scorpions ready to flay.
You have yearned from Church-yoke to be free, Sirs,
On your necks that lay heavy as lead ;
Now I '11 give you a trial to see, Sirs,
How you like Chapel-yoke, in its stead."
So Chapel, loud echoing Church-cry, —
Bass and treble, but both to one air ;
MARCH 16, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
117
While the small unwashed, left in the
lun-h, cry,
And I'.ui M'NNIA is driven to swear—
"1 'm sick of your Low and High Churches,
'Twi.xt their two stools let down, like a
tool :
* Plague o' hoth of your houses ! ' The
More wanted in them, than in School !
" A trurv to sectarian war-cri'-s,
By Mi M.I. in- I'KMMIN p. ;i!ei!,
Tin ir sinful while Ignorance o'ereri< s,
And imin's t<i her plagu&-«potl unhealed.
I'\ir 1 feel, ' (iiiifijuiil ri-iji'S drlirant,
I'liTtiuiini- .t'-in'ri,' nor smile,
Tliat 'tis ( li;i])"l, not Church, would play
tyrant
O'er young England, school-less the
wluL ."
A FINK FOR A BEATING.
THE I'M Mult (l,iz,'tle says that :—
" In a niw which came before the Magistrate
• \\ i: • ,-roi-iT at Putnoy, named
diiovi-. '1 i;i for assaulting his wife;
in defauH li'1 was to go to prison for a month.
* wife to pay the money, which she
did."
So the wife was fined for the heating
which her husband had given her. What
a pity, one may think, it is that the pun-
ishment for beating a wife is not such as
necessarily to fall solely on the wife-
beater's shoulders. If the latter had sim-
ply to be flogged for his offence, the former
would not be liable to be lined.
"SWEET GIRL GRADUATE."
Charles (reading, succinctly). " AND HK 's GON» TO QUOD."
Laura. "Now, HE'LL KNOW WHAT A 'QUADBAJIOLB' MKANS."
WHO AEE THEY ?
WHO are the lucky people who can buy the guinea pears and
twenty guinea pine-apples paraded in the fruit-shops '(
Who are the still more lucky people who, without the cost of
buying, get the privilege of eating them ?
Who are the shabby people who nefariously bring their old um-
brellas to their clubs, in the hope of profiting by casual exchanges ?
Who are the curious people who buy the " curious old sherries"
advertised at fifteen pence a bottle, or the " fine old crusted ports "
at one and six ?
Who are the clever people, who, now that it is over, have not all
along predicted the failure of the Tichborne case ?
Who are the credulous people that believe in ZadkiuVs Almanack,
or the tips of sporting prophets ?
Who are the weak-minded people who buy the comic sheets which
are hawked on penny steamers, and nowhere in the world else ?
Who are the young ladies that pay their bets at races, when un-
luckily they lose them P
Who are the young gentlemen that never call their father
'' governor," even to their closest chum ?
Who are the social people that would not much prefer a steak and
pint of wholesome beer to the banquet a la liusse which is served by
a cheap pastrycook, washed down with the champagne which has
been bottled at the grocer's ?
Who are the foolish people so crtdulous as to fancy that war will
be the upshot of the Alabama business ?
Who are the vicious people that pay organ-fiends and German
band-its to molest their quiet neighbours ''
Who are the weak people that put their faith in quacks, and so
encourage the outpouring of their advertisements ?
Who are the wondrous people who buy the wondrous garments
one sees ticketed by cheap tailors as " the Style ! " " the Latest
Fashion ! " " the Ticket ! " or " the Cheese I " P
Who are the virtuous young ladies that never lose their dance
card, in order to throw over a bad for a good waltzer ?
Who are the virtuous young gentlemen that can give up football
in order to escort their sisters for a duty-walk ?
Who are the odd people who in their hearts prefer the costly,
tasteless, long white-stalked asparagus to the cheap and toothsome
green-stalked, which, alas ! is not deemed fashionable !-
Finally — Who are the wicked people who read Punch at the shop-
windows to save the cost of buying it ?
THE HOOGHLY AND THE ITCHEN.
TIFEBE is a river at Calcutta and a river at Winchester ; it is
called the Hooghly at Calcutta, and there are salmons in one,
namely the Itchen, which is the Winchester river, and from whose
source was derived the ancient and noble name (De Itchenbourne,
TICHBOBNE) pretended to by the Wagga-waggawack. Vide Car-
toon. But the salmons are only to be found in the month of the
Itchen at Woodmill, and they sell in the immediate neighbourhood
for as much as two and sixpence per pound.
Nevertheless, we hope that LORD NORTHBROOK on Saturday last
relished the Itchen salmon which we dare say he partook of at the
dinner given to his Lordship at St. John's House, Winchester, on
the strength of his appointment to the Vioeroyalty of India. If he
did not happen to taste Itchen salmon, he surely tasted Itchen
trout, among all the delicacies of the season deservedly provided to
celebrate the self-sacrifice of a nobleman who goes out to govern
Indians, when he might stay at home and enjoy himself. In giving
LORD NOBTHBROOK a dinner upon a Lord Mayor's scale, a just
appreciation of merit has been displayed by ROBERT FORDER, Lisa.,
Mayor of Winchester, duly mindful of the dignity of a City once
not inferior to that of London.
TAKE CARE OF THE HALFPENCE.
" HOUSE OF COMMONS.— At question time, MR. BAXTER, in reply to MR.
GRKENE, otnted that it was intruded for the future not to sell less thin one
dozen of halfpenny postage cards, for which an extra charge of one half-
penny would be made, and that a saving would in consequence be effected of
£13,000 a-year."
MOST of us are content, if we can turn an honest penay, but Govern-
ment thrift outstrips private carefulness, and will be satisfied with
nothing less than turning an honest halfpenny.
Cricketing News.
THE TICHBORNE ELEVEX AGAINST THE AUSTRALIAN SQUAD. —
This long-protracted match has been decided, all the Squad bein?
bowled out. Curiously, their champion player has been trying
(vainly) to find his bail.
118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 16, 1872.
MORE POSITIVISM.
Confidential Housekeeper. ("That young Person" having called about the Under- Housemaid 's Situation.) "Bur SUE SATS, M'M, SHB
HAVEN'T A CHARACTER FHOM HEB LAST PLACE "
Mistress. " AND EXPECTS ME TO TAKE HER WITHOUT A WRITTEN CHARACTER ? GOOD GRACIOUS, lias. ROBERTS, HAS THE WOMAN
HZB INTELLECTS ? " !
Housekeeper. " WELL, MUM, SHE HAVE SOMBTHINK TIED UP IN A BUNDLE." ! !
THE PEESENT AND THE PILLORY.
OUE bluff old English ancestors,
To rogues they so unkind were !
0 dear, now such as TITUS GATES
The cart's tail whipped behind were !
A rogue, who naughty stories swore,
Not oily did they beat
Sometimes once, sometimes twice or more,
Until his back was hurt all o'er,
To teach him not to cheat.
Sing, formerly, 0 formerly.
Rogue made to stand in Pillory !
Besides, to an impostor they
Did other things than those, too,
They cropped his ears and bored his tongue,
And slit up his poor nose, too.
Likewise they burnt him in the hand,
And on his face, or brow,
They stamped him with a red-hot brand.
A scoundrel, then, they would not stand,
As we, mild friends, do now.
Sing, formerly, 0 formerly,
Rogue made to stand in Pillory !
The perjured knave, who purse had none
To forfeit for false suing,
In person they adjudged to pay
The damage of his doing ;
And, since they could not make him good
For any other thing,
A scarecrow to his tribe he st9od,
Whilst at his visage, framed in wood,
The People had their fling.
Sing, formerly, 0 formerly.
Rogue made to stand in Pillory !
NEARLY THE LAST OF THE CLAIMANT.
WILL SHAKSPEAEE'S lines on the Tichborne Case : —
" What !
An Advocate for an Impostor ? "
Tempest, Act I., ac. 2.
ME. CLAIMANT to ME. EXIGENT,
" You make my bonds still greater."'
Measure for Measure, Act V., sc. i.
On Another Occasion : —
" If it should come to the ear of the co'jrt how I have been
transformed."
Merry Wines of Windsor, Act IV., sc. 5.
His Evidence : —
" I had been drowned You may know by my sine
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking."
Merry Wives, Act III., sc. 5.
To the ATTORNEY-GENERAL—
"Thou art clerkly, Sir John" ....
Idem, Act IV., sc. 5.
On One very Important Point : —
" And, on my life, his malice 'gainst the lady will suddenly
break forth."
As You Like It, Act I., sc. 2.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. M, Holford rtquare. In the Parish of St. James, Glerkenwetl. 1
street, in the Precinct of Whitefrian,in the City of London, and Published by him at No
I the County of Mlddleiex, at the Printing Office* of Mes*n. Bradbury, Brans, ft Co.. Lombard
», Fleet Street, in the Parnh of St. Bride, City of Lordan.— 8«rt:aDH .Mar^h u, 1872.
MABCII 23, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
119
EARLY BRITISH FRENCH FROM THE NURSERY.
Ethel. " JE SUIB FASHAY DB vous DONNER TAST DE TROUBLB, PiAirrAOBHfir !"
Plantagcnet. " 0 ! NB LK vsyTlOXXtz PAS I ! "
REASONS FOR GOING TO THE BOAT-RACE.
BECAUSE it is right to encourage all athletic exercises
which tend to produce manly vigour and calm •elf-
control.
Because it U right to take part in a scene in which all
classes of society can meet and mingle on common ground.
Because we wish to make ourselves better acquainted
with the beauties of our glorious River Thames.
Because we are anxious to see whether the manners
and habita of the lower orders are undergoing any
improvement.
Because we are desirous to form some estimate, from
personal observation, of the number of people present.
Because the village of Putney is dear to us, as having
been the birthplace of the author of The Decline and
fall of the Human Empire.
Because we wish to compare the present style of row-
ing with what it was when we were at No Soult.
Because we take pleasure in watching the gradual
progress of spring vegetation in the country.
Because we have a relation from the country staying
with us who has never seen the Boat- Race.
Because it gives us the opportunity of meeting so many
old college friends.
Because the girls want to go.
Because we want a holiday.
ATHANASIUS AND WILLIAMS.
A DAILY paper announces that the ARCHBISHOP of
CANTERBURY has directed the convocation of his province
to meet on the 23rd of April, in order that the Lower
House may discuss the subject of the Athanasian Creed.
The 23rd is late. Would not the 1st of April have been
much more eligible ? Nemo taltat sobnus. Neither
does any rational creature, except upon All Foola' Day,
attempt seriously to discuss the Athanasian Creed until
a very late stage of conversation after dinner. One
thinks that the excellent ASCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
could have found his Clergy something better to do than
discussing the divinity of St. Athanasius on the birth-
day of the divine WILLIAMS.
NATIONAL BECUBITY.
WHAT of Army Reorganisation ?
Nothing certain there is but taxation.
MARK LEMON.
LAST Year, a Memorial, stating the circumstances in which the
family of the late MB. M AUK LESION had been left by his unexpected
death, and presenting the claims which it was thought that his
Widow had upon the consideration of Her Majesty's Government,
was laid before the PRKMIEU.
The signatures to that document it would afford us justifiable
pride to reproduce here, but, in the absence of express authority
for so doing, we merely mention that they comprise the names of a
group of Noblemen and Gentlemen of the highest distinction in
politics, art, poetry, and literature. With these names were asso-
ciated those of fellow-workers with MARK LEMON.
The document was promptly and courteously acknowledged on the
part of MR. GLADSTONE, who] made some special inquiries on the
subject. These were duly answered.
HER MAJESTY has been graciously pleased to approve the grant of
an annual pension of £100 to MBS. MARK LEMOX, who was last week,
by MR. GLADSTONE'S direction, apprised of the fact.
It appears proper that the kind act should be recorded in the
columns of the journal which was conducted for so many years by
MK. MARK LEMON, and which was the chief occupation and pride of
Ids life. On the part of those among the Memorialists who are
connected with that journal, and of all others who are engaged in
its production, most humble and respectful thanks are tendered to
HER MAJESTY for her gracious approval of the grant, and their
warmest acknowledgments are made to MR. GLADSTONE for his
compliance with the solicitation in favour of the family of their
lamented friend. To the other signatories, whose influential
names were most readily and cordially given, we would express
our deep sense of the value of their assistance, and our certainty
that the announcement of the grant must have given them the
utmost satisfaction.
THE JURY-BOX OF THE FUTURE.
A TERRIBLE trial, according to a Note in the Pall Mall Gazette,
awaits " twelve gentlemen of the county of Gloucester, whose names
are, happily for the peace of mind of those concerned, at present
unknown." It is a trial which will try the triers :—
"Much sympathy has been expressed for the Tichborne jury, but their
labours were as nothing when compared with the prospective duties of a jury
that will be required to grasp the details involved in a statement and counter-
statement of a grandfather, a father, a son, and a widow, with the particulars
of a bankruptcy, of three or four Chancery suits, an appeal to the Lords Jus-
tices, and an appeal to the House of Lords to follow."
Who is sufficient for these things but a compound of a practised
accountant and profound lawyer? How could any other jury than
one composed of such compounds be empanelled, or, anyhow, sworn ':
Can any man be compelled to swear that he will " well and truly
try " to do that which he knows himself incapable of even attempting ''
If j uries are to discharge duties such as those above instanced, a new
qualification will be necessary to render gentlemen eligible for jurors.
They will have to be required to pass an examination, and then,
unless by passing it they secure large salaries, what shall we do ?
The candidates for liability to serve on juries will be involuntary,
and all plucked.
OuR"Crra. LIST" (AND -MAY IT SOON BE ABOLISHED !)— Persons
on whom we must call.
VOL. Lxn.
120
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1872,
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
AST MONDAY, March 11.—
Debate in the Commons
on Druid CARDWELL'S
Army Scheme. MR.HOLIIS'S
proposal to weaken our
forces by taking away
twenty thousand soldiers,
was again discussed. LORD
ELCHO described the Mili-
tia as ghastly - looking
creatures, with feeble
frames and seedy uniforms.
ME. JACOB BRIGHT called
the Government " spend-
thrift.'1
MR. VERNON
HARCOTJRT was quite cer-
tain that we should never
be invaded, and he knows
everything. The Druid
declared that neither the
House nor the people
would ever agree to Com-
pulsory Service. MR.
HENLEY was emphatic
against a peace establish-
ment that cost fifteen mil-
lions per annum. The
Government then triumph-
ed over MR. HOLMS by
234 to 63. MR. MUNTZ then made a proposal, which reminded Mr.
Punch of the gentleman who tried to sing "If I had a Thousand a
Year" and, breaking down, was advised to try again at Five
hundred. He asked that only Ten Thousand men should he taken
away. " And that," said the House, in Mr. Pecksniff's words
about the loan of eighteen pence to Mr. Tigy," would be equally
objectionable." Vote, 216 to 67, and Retreat of the Ten Thousand
cutter-down. The Commons were resolute to-night, and when ME.
LEA wished to take out of the Estimates £15,000 for Army Agents,
he was beaten by two to one— 87 to 13, and
" The Druid heard— crowed, lowly, o'er the Lea."
Tuesday.— The DUKE OF SOMERSET described our tremendous
fortifications at Alderney as awfully expensive, and utterly useless.
He asked for a Committee on the subject. LORD COWPER, quoting
his own motto, replied, " Tuum est." i, His Lordship is a Gold Shell,
if yon know what that means, and if you don't you should ask. It
means a distinction in the corps of Gentlemen-at-Arms.
Complaint in the Commons that it is difficult to get Scotch busi-
ness attended to, and we need hardly add that an Irish Member
instantly urged a similar wrong to Oireland. ME. GLADSTONE ad-
mitted the difficulties, but laid them at the door of the evil of too
much legislation. With some humour he begged to put in a word
on behalf of another country which had not been mentioned, namely,
England. SIB WALTER tells, in his diary, a story of a Scotch p
minister, who prayed for his parishes, the Greater and Lesser
Cuinbrays, "two miserable islets off the Scotch coast," and added)
petition that Providence " would not forget the adjacent islands of
Great Britain and Ireland." ME. GLADSTONE said he should not be
were very unmindful of the comfort of others. These allegations
are unfounded, at least in the case of those who smoke good tobacco,
" Divine tobacco, that from East to West
Cheers the tar's labour and the Turkman's rest."
as LORD BYRON observes. We, of course, agree with COWPER, that
if the baccy is bad, 'tis a
" Pernicious weed, whose seeiit the fair annoys."
But the wretch who sells and the slave who smokes bad tobacco
should be executed on the same gibbet. The pure fine article (also
noun) that sends up a gracious incense, makes the smoker a better
and a kinder man, and induces him to listen tolerantly even to the
cackle of the unwise, or, if it be unlistenable to, aids him to noble
thoughts in other themes. Fitmus gloria Mundi, and of every other
day in the week.
Nothing but the gentling whiffs which he is taking at present
writing could restrain Mr. Punch from now breaking out into
language of the most frightful violence. Though such utterance
would be perfectly j ust, he abstains from it. Yet he would like to
denounce those by whose criminal negligence (or worse) in the
matter of the Albert and European Life Assurance Companies
thousands of excellent and thrifty persons have been robbed of
all provision for their families, or have themselves been brought to
wretchedness and ruin. A Bill for an inquiry into these things was
read a Second Time, but unhappily it makes no provision for Pillory
and Scourge. When the guilt, however, shall be apportioned, it
shall be Mr. Punch's fierce pleasure to supply both.
ME. SALT promoted a Bill for enabling a Bishop to license clergy-
men to perform service in other buildings than churches. This
proposal is described as a blow at the Parochial System, and
MR. BERESFORD HOPE was very amusing about filibustering parsons
coming into an incumbent's parish, and preaching sermons for the
conversion of Patagonian Washer-women. The ground-work of the
Bill, said MR. HARDY, is opposition to the regular minister, and he
predicted innumerable local schisms. MR. HENLEY, on the other
hand, thought that the interests of the people ought to be studied,
as well as those of the clergy. MR. BRUCE but half approved of the
Bill, but the Second Reading was carried by 122 to 03.
Thursday. — In a debate in the Lords on the Ecclesiastical Courts
Bill LORD SALISBURY remarked that in a country speaking the same
language as our own (wall, Siree, we reckon not quite right away the
same) the experiment of Cheap Judges had been tried, and they had
been found not to answer. There is no doubt that a good many of
the " simple Archons " are great rascals, and it is certain that money
can buy some highly placed American judges. But Mr. Punch
believes that a good deal of very excellent justice is done over the
water, at a comparatively low figure. Still, he does not want to
see cheap law and free-and-easy judges here. He goes in for
Majesty and Dignity, knowing " our flesh and blood."
In the Commons a lot of questions were asked, but they were
mostly of the sort to which belonged the question the little boy did
not put. "Why didn't you ask, my dear, how your Aunt JANE'S
headache was?" "Because I didn't want to know." COLONEL
HOGG stated that he could do nothing to Leicester Square without
an Act of Parliament. Then, Colonel, why in the name of all that
Ir. Pickwick) don't you get an Act of Parlia-
and turn that dismal, squalid waste into a charming
Bill, in Committee, and the
details of the arrangements for elections were very assiduously dis-
handed to MR. MACFIE. We have no idea how this gentleman's
name is pronounced, but the moral was Ithe same either way.
Members either Bang, individually,
or collectively,
" Stop and listen to MR. MACPI ?
No, not I, no, not I ; "
" Stop and listen to MR. MACFEE,
No, not we ; no, not we."
And then there was a Count Out, at 8'15.
Wednesday. — MB. MACLAOAN, which his name is PETEB, and he i •
is a wonderful man, for he was born in Demerara, and he knows all fl
about Hypothec, which is rarer still, moved the Second Reading of "
an excellent Bill. It is the result of the deliberations of a Com-
mittee on the best means of preventing Fires. MR. MACLAGAN spoke
capitally, and gave us heaps of information. It is proposed that
the Coroners shall conduct inquiries in cases of fire. The number of
houses fired for the sake of the insurance-money is remarkable, and
thieves do a good deal in the same way in order to conceal thefts.
Malice, also, is an active incendiary. The Bill was read a Second
Time, but
Mr. Punch was shocked to hear a Member — he will not name him
— say that smokers caused many fires, and also that they, as a class,
kinds of dodges our admirable representatives showed themselves
Doubtless, unlike the Jupiter of SHELLEY, they are those who have
" suffered, not done, wrong." The Commons were resolute against
letting election expenses be paid out of the public money, and the
plan was rejected by 362 to 51. Speaking of the working-man,
who, it was alleged, was kept out of the House by the present
system, MR. DISRAELI said : —
" Let a working-man be a man who, by his character and his talents, de-
served the regard of his countrymen, and he would as certainly be returned
as any gentleman of great social influence and large estate. Therefore this
,roposed change, founded on the case of the working-man, was one of those
imsy pretexts which vanished in the heat of Parliamentary discussion."
Friday.— What advantages the children of the poor have over
those of the children of the rich! While the latter go out to
crowded and unhealthy parties, or are taken to hot theatres to see
dull plays, the former are invited to Night Schools, where they
receive, in properly-ventilated buildings, pleasant and improving
instruction. That they are glad to accept the invitation is proved
by LORD Hi PON'S statement this evening that in 1S70 the number
presenting themselves for examination was 83,512.
The Lords talked of Steam Coal, and the DCTKE OF SOMERSET
stated that when he was in office the Northern coal-owners came to
him and urged the use of their coal instead of Welsh, which is far
MAKCII 23, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
121
the best. and "he told them that they ought to bo ashamed of them-
selves." We have no doubt that HU Grace did, and m the plainest
and most wholesome language.
In the Commons it was asked whether Statutory Declarations
could be placed under certain restrictions. Everybody has been
indignant with a fellow called AI.K\ VXIIKK CIIAKFKKS. an attorney,
who made a declaration charging a lady with immorality, and who,
being brought before a Magistrate, defended himself by asking the
poor lady a long string of most offensive and indecent questions.
SIR Jonx CoteBIDOE, however, said that the Declaration system
was very useful, and must not be altered because it had been abused
by one " Scoundrel." The gentlemen of the Parliament vigorously
applauded the epithet thus affixed to CHAFF Kits.
Mis. DODSON proposed a revolutionary and excellent plan for
getting rid of the private business of the House, and we then had
tin first great personal row of the Session. It arose out of an
implication, that by reason of Mu. BAXTER being in the Government,
u line inllicted on a firm with which his relatives are connected, in
reference to a contract for Navy Duck (not birds) had been remitted.
It was shown that the fine had been paid, and so the whole implied
imputation fell to the ground, and was trampled out. Which w:is
well, and it would have been better had the mare's nest never been
discovered.
Touching the Washington Treaty, the PREMIER stated that the
formal dispatches having arrived, the question was to be considered
in Cabinet Council next day. It was hoped that the result would
be a Minute embodying in diplomatic language the idea set forth by
Mr. Punch's Cartoon in his present admirable number.
a resolution was proposed and carried authorising the Chairman of
the meeting ".publicly to burn the Bill in its presence." And so—
"The Chairman th-n fixed tli<- printed copy of the Hill to the end of a stick,
ami setting it alight, held it aloft until it wan consumed, amid loud cheering
and waring of huts."
From burning the Parks Bill in substance, Ma. ODGER and the
lemen of the Pavement and Reformers' Tree will next perhaps
proceed to burning the People's WILLIAM in olligy— Bill after Bill,
as some of them perhaps may say. Thereby they will do about the
best thing they can to prolong Mit. GLADSTO.NF.'S lease of power.
In the meanwhile let us hope that the Ministerial Parks Bill will
prove to have been really worth Mil. OD<;KH.'S burning.
REAL FRIENDS TO GOVERNMENT.
HAT ME. ODGER will not
be created a County Court
Judge is probable for ano-
ther reason than because
he is not qualified for the
appointment. If MR.OIIIIF.I:
were promoted from his
stall to a seat considerably
higher than that which
he occupies therein, a seat
of judgment concerning
matters proportionately
above an instrument which
he is accustomed to make
special use of, he would
cease to render the Cabinet
of our PREMIER the service
which he has begun really
doing it. Another demon-
stration against the Parks
Bill was held on Sunday
last week, in Hyde Park,
under MR. ODOER'S presi-
dency, when MR. ODGER
made a speech, wherein,
according to report, he said, denouncing the above-named proposal
of legislation : —
" The Bill was at once unconstitutional and contemptible, and its introduc-
tion was a disgrace to a Government calling itself Liberal. (Cheers.) . . The
fact was that the Government felt that they wore tottering to their fall—
(eriei of" The sooner they do so the better!") — and they hoped to get a longer
term oi' power by pandering to the Conservative party. (Cheers.) He de-
nounced ilKssiis. STANSFELD, FORSTF.R, and AYUTON, as a trio of renegade
Kadicals, who had betrayed the working classes, by whose means they had
climbed into power. (Cheers.) The whole conduct of the Government to the
working classes showed that working men must now form a party of their
own, and preserve their own interests regardless of what party are in power.
(Cheers.) They must form a labour party, and throw overboard once and for
all the sham liudimls and sham Liberal Government by whom they had been
so infamously betrayed."
The unqualified abuse which MR. ODGER, cheered by his followers,
now heaps on the politicians whom he and they were only the other
day extolling to the skies, can fail to strengthen the present Govern-
ment very much only through some doubt which may possibly be
entertained whether the Parks Bill will, in practice, really effect
the abatement of those nuisances, Sunday intimidation meetings,
in Hyde Park. If the QUEEN'S loyal subjects are only assured of
that, the language above-quoted, as from the mouth of MR. ODGER,
will very much tend to renew, or to increase, their confidence in
Her Majesty's Ministers; who are further indebted to MR. ODGER
and his rabblement for a very particular demonstration to their
advantage. After some other speakers had followed MK. ODGER,
FIENDS OF THE FIRESIDE.
TUB London Correspondent of a provincial journal mentions that
'• What is called spiritualism is exciting more and more attention in
London. But I think that the belief in the spiritual nature of the manifes-
tations is decreasing in proportion as the belief in the reality of the
manifestations themselves increases."
Yes, Sir, yonr Sadduoees refer them to " unconscious cerebration,"
and " muscular action," as if cerebration, conscious or unconscious,
conld play a tune on an accordion, even through the action of
muscles not connected with fingers touching keys. But if the
Sadducees are out in one way as to these phenomena, the Spiritualists
are abroad in another. In GLANVIL'S story of the Dicnton of Ted-
worth, you know, amongst the "manifestations" which occurred in
MR. MOSU-USSON'S house we are told that " in sight of the Company
the chairs walked about of themselves," just as they do now, at
Spiritualist ieance». Could this have been the work of cerebration
or muscular action, voluntary or involuntary— apart from trick and
from mediums such as the medium of an invisible wire. At the
same time, I doubt if tricks of this kind are played by the spirits of
our defunct relations. They seem to me to have another origin,
which is clearly elucidated by mythology and etymology, hand in
hand. Your L.EIGHTLET, speaking of the Lares, says that they
were regarded as the souls of deceased ancestors, but adds, that
" The statues of the Lares were usually placed at the hearth."
You recollect MILTON'S account of the ''drudging goblin," how,
after having done his cream-bowl's worth of farm-work —
" That ten day-labourers could not end ;
Then lies him down the lubber fiend.
And, stretched out all the chimney's length,
Basks at the fire his hairy strength."
Thus both Classical and later antiquity combine in asserting the
existence of dsemons or goblins whose haunt was especially the
domestic hearth. It is natural, assuming the supernatural, to sup-
pose that they would be disposed, on occasion, to actuate the fire-
irons, and, from making the shovel, poker, and tongs, dance and
spin, go on to cause chairs and tables to toddle and walk about the
room. Now consider the relation of the hearth to the hob, and, con-
• ir
then, to contend that the " manifestations " of spiritualism are really
the pranks of peculiar spirits out of the body if not in it. If out, then
I say spirits are hobgoblins ; if in, why then, Mr. Punch, spirits
of another denomination. In short, Sir, I believe that the spirits of
Spiritualism are either Hobgoblins or Humbugs. Among those of the
latter order you will not class yours truly, WIERTTS, Junior.
P.S. In MR. HOME'S presence Something is accustomed to play
Hume, Steeet Home. Some think it is Old Nick. I should rather
say it is Old Joe. (Subaudi MILLER.)
BETTING BOOK-WORMS.
DISCOURSING of the imminent University Boat Race, the " Special
Correspondent " of a morning :paper truly observes, that there are
" tens of thousands who are willing to bet and speculate u]»on the
chances of either crew, and gravely to descant upon their merits and
shortcomings, without having ever set eyes on either boat, or being
able to distinguish the one from the other if they did see them."
He subsequently mentions that, on the first appearance of the Cam-
bridge crew on the Thames, " No. 7— RANDOLPH— was ager and
absent." One would like to know what any one of those betting-
men, whose sole business is betting and who, alike prepared to bet
on a boat's-crew or a race-horse, understand, and except for betting
purposes care, nothing about either, made, if he reau, in the fore-
going connection, (and he may possibly have read a sporting notice),
of the word teger. He probably took it for eager, without taking it
for a misprint.
122
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1872.
FLOWERS OF FASHION.
Lady. " AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST SITUATION ?"
Coachman. " WELL, MA'AM, ME AND HER LADYSHIP 'AD A DIFFERENCE ABOUT A BOKAY. WE WAS GOING TO A DRAWING-
ROOM, AND HER LADYSHIP WANTED TO PUT ME OFF WITH A BOKAY MADE uv IN THE 'OUSEKEEPER'S ROOM ! WELL, I COULDN'T
STAND THAT, SO I WENT AND ORDERED A BOKAY AT COVENT GARDEN ; AND, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, llA'AM, ME AND HER LADY-
SHIP 'AD A DIFFERENCE ABOUT THB PAYMENT ? so I GIVE WARNING ! "
BORN AT GENOA, 1806 : DIED AT PISA, MARCH 10, 1872.
" LET no man be called happy ere his death."
So ran the wisdom of the antique world.
How shall we rate him who draws dying breath
On work unfinished, high hopes backward hurled ?
Such the first thought of most a thought that give
To one whose course has closed on weary days,
Where Pisa scarcely can be said to live,
And sleepy-seeming Arno seaward strays.
But not more shallow they that laugh to scorn
The thought that this slow stream to flood could leap,
That they that wasted deem this life outworn —
Xot reckoning what men sow but what they reap.
Enough, that no Italian can doom
A life as poorly lived, or lived in vain,
Than which none ever better earned a tomb
Within the Holy Field » by Pisa's fane.
The greater still his right to such a grave,
That Death of honour owes him large arrear,
To whom Life, taking much, so little gave
In payment from the land he held most dear,
• The Campo Santo, the ancient and famous burial-place of Pisa, filled
with earth from Jerusalem, and decorated by the greatest painters and
sculptors of the fourteenth and fifteenth centuries.
But exile, poverty, and long farewell
To Genoa 's blue sky and sunny sea
And sunny hearts, in northern cold to dwell,
Hated and hunted by the powers that be.
Slowly to gather strength but to be foiled ;
To hurl young lives on desperate emprize,
Only to f ail in fight, or, treason-coiled,
To waste in ling'ring count of prison sighs ;
To keep the sparks of hope and faith alight
In failing hearts, and not let fail his own :
To read " ITALIA UNA" still writ bright,
Through mists of blood, and clouds of tempest blown ;
To learn faith can turn false, and friendship cold ;
To be called dreamer, Uuixote, coward, fool :
Kay, lest such pillory-pelt friends' trust out-hold,
Branded as tyranny's decoy and tool : .
And — bitterer than the bitterest of these griefs —
At length to see hope to fruition grown,
And echo, chief among the nation's chiefs,
Italy's shout o'er Austria overthrown;
And standing high-crown'd in the Capitol,
Chief triumvir of a regenerate Rome,
To mark the glow of the old conquering soul
Come back from long trance 'neath St. Peter's dome ;
And having thus topp'd highest reach of hope,
Suddenly to be hurled down to despair ; |
To feel young right weak with oldjwrong to cope,
See alien arms Italian overbear ;
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MARCH 23, 1872.
sr^v mum
YANKEE DOODLE."
' YANKEE DOODLE CAME TO TOWN ON A LITTLE PONY! "
MABCH 23, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
125
"Worse still— the bearers of those arms to see—
Still red with blood of Rome's Republic slain—
Hailed as the Saviours of Italy,
And crowned with honours Saviours scarce attain.
To see the Austrian yield each (fuarded hold,
And sadly, from across the salt sea-stream,
Watch Italy's rent robe, fold after fold,
Grow strangely to a garment without seam,
Yet raise no voice to bid the foe depart ;
Yet lift no hand for the rent robe's repair :
With strangers' bitter bread to stay his neart ;
Watch the work doing, nor be called to share ;
Though feeling faith, soul, spirit still the same
As screened from quenching gust and choking air
The spark that now. grown to a lusty flame,
From Northern Alp to Southern Isle burns fair.
And when Italian ground once more he prest
With feet urged by home-sickness o'er the foam,
Italy had a gaoler for her guest,
Could find a prison for him— not a home !
Open at length his prison doors he found :
%> Go forth ; the score is cleared, even for
VICTOR EMMANUKI. in Rome sits crowned,
And so MizziNi is forgiven — is free.
thee."
0 mockery of human lots and lives !
Was this the stroke that stabbed him to the heart ?
Nay, who can say what shocks such faith survives,
What strength such bitter tonics can impart ?
None, e'en for this, saw wavering- of his trust,
None, e'en for this, saw doubting of his way :
Stern only to himself, true, noble, just,
" God and the People ! " still he made his stay.
To seal that pact, glorious, if less fulfilled
In their lives whom he trusted than his own,
His seed of faith, by fact's worst frost nn-kiiled,
Though for no visible harvest, still was sown.
Was sown, and seeming, though but seeming, dead
Has quickened, and will quicken still, and swell,
Till, haply, when the fields laugh, harvest-red,
Men shall own hit the seed that yields so well !
THE BOAT RACE.
E have this telegram
from our Oxford Cor-
respondent : — The
special train convey-
ing the Oxford crew
to London en route for
Putney has this mo-
ment (9'3 A.M.) glided
out of the Station
amid the cheers of
the crowd, the good
wishes of the Univer-
sity authorities, and
the handkerchiefs of
the ladies who
thronged the platform
from an early hour in
the morning. The
engine (the "Bull-
dog ") was gaily
decked with ever-
greens, flowers, and
flags, and the driver,
stoker, and guard
all wore dark blue
scarves, and cloth
caps of the same dis-
tinguishing colour.
The " Bulldog" was driven by MICHAEL PROCTEH, who has been
in the employment of the Company for upwards of eleven years,
and bears a high character for reticence, complaisance, and intelli-
gence in the discharge of his professional duties. He had the
honour of being introduced to the crew before the train started.
Our Paddington Station Correspondent writes : — The special train
from Oxford has arrived in safety. The men showed no symptoms
of fatigue after their journey, and expressed their determination to
push on at once to Putney. They were attired in ordinary modern
costume, and the majority of them wore light overcoats. Great
excitement was manifested as the moment approached for their
luggage to be removed from the van in the rear of the train, and it
was observed, as a somewhat remarkable coincidence, that the labels
which had been affixed to the portmanteaus, hatboxes, &c., at the
Oxford Terminus were printed on dark blue paper. Three of the
crew carried silk umbrellas of various colours, green predominating,
four of them made use of walking-sticks or canes, and the rest of
the party had cases slung over their shoulders, apparently containing
powerful field-glasses.
By mounted express from Putney we learn that the Cambridge
crew established themselves in their accustomed quarters at twelve
minutes past two this afternoon. The National Standard was im-
mediately hoisted on all the public buildings, the bells of the parish
church rang a merry peal, and the fire brigade were under arms. The
crew were met at the Station by the resident policemen, the relieving
officer, the collector of rates and taxes, the postmaster, the reporters,
the photographers, and other local magnates, and received quite an
ovation. The sky was a lovely light blue. No addresses were pre-
sented, in deference to the well-known wishes of the crew, but
the fife-and-drum band of the Sixty-sixth Surrey preceded them
to their quarters, playing the usual loyal and patriotic tunes. At
the hotel they received a respectful but hearty welcome from the
landlord, the landlady, and the whole of the staff attached to the
establishment, with the one exception of Boots, who did not return
in time from a confidential mission with whioh he had been entrusted
to a dairy on Barnes Common. The crew inquired for their letters,
and then retired to the privacy of their own rooms. It was noticed
that they were all young men, and mostly wore valuable rings and
breastpins. Later in the day they were weighed and stared at.
Monday. — Both the Oxford and Cambridge crews were called at
an early hour this morning. They are understood to have passed a
good night, and to have partaken of breakfast with considerable
appetite. Afterwards they received a reporter for one of the leading
daily papers, but the particulars of the interview did not transpire
through the keyhole. Precisely as the village clock chimed the hour
of eleven, the Oxonians'went out for the first time in their new boat,
which is three-quarters of an inch longer and proportionately nar-
rower than the one in which they rowed the year Wore last. The
smell Tof the fresh paint, which was still perceptible, and a little
uncertainty about one of the rowlocks, created a momentary un-
steadiness, too slight, however, to exercise even a transient influence
on the betting, which, after various variations, remained in favour
of Cambridge ; but the odds were both given and taken freely, and
an impression got abroad at the Soap Works, that if Oxford made
marked and daily progress, and Cambridge remained stationary or
at all lost ground, the Dark Blue might yet be triumphant.
Tuesday. — The water was rather lumpy, and the tide at the top of
the slack, but the Cantabs, favoured by a breeze from the S.S.E.,
settled steadily to their work, and by the time they reached the
Eyot were pulling 46 to 4G4 strokes per minute. Their catch was
thought superior to the Oxford swing, and the style in which they
took the flood at the turn elicited general admiration from the crowd
on the banks. The Oxonians shot Hammersmith Bridge, but we
have not heard of any other accident.
Wednesday. — Both crews were photographed this morning, but
recovered in time to go out for a paddle in their new jerseys. The
Cambridge boat continue to lift their oars out of the water evenly
and harmoniously, and there is a smoothness about their manipula-
tion which augurs well for their final triumph, but we should like
to see a little less raggedness in feathering, and a longer and steadier
sweep when the men are all well together at the thwarts. They
were accompanied by a coach in a steam gig. Some of the Light
Blue's backers seemed rather out of heart and inclined to change
colour at Craven Cottage, but they rallied at the Brewery.
Thursday. — There is increased buoyancy in the practice of the
Oxonians, and at Crab Tree Reach this forenoon they were going in
a way (and on a neap tide, too) which looked vastly like winning on
the great day. Their pace quickened, and became still greater as
they approached home about luncheon time. The betting has un-
dergone various ups and downs, and in quarters where money is not
a medicinal article, a disposition is evinced both to give and
take florins instead of half-crowns, so that we may expect more
significant fluctuations. Both crews are in good health and spirits,
and their appetite is excellent. On the whole their hair is darker
than it was fast year : perhaps Oxford is a trifle the lightest.
Putney, Friday, 4 p.m. (By Telegram.) — A rumour is afloat, but
we cannot trace it to any authentic source, nor is it current in the
best aquatic circles, still we feel bound to give it, that shortly after
three o'clock this afternoon, one of one of the crews, some say
Oxford, others Cambridge, caught something which looked sus-
piciously like a crab.
126
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1872.
u^k-A'.'-..^ C4X-V-/T , jia£-
V
THE RUN OF THE SEASON.
Heavy Old Groom. " COTJLDN'T HA' BEEN VERT FAST I WHY NOT ? "
Priggish Light Weight. "WELL, DIDN'T YOW SAY AS YOU AND YOUR GOVERNOR WAS IN rr?"
A CASE OF COCKLESHELLS.
LET us hope that PRINCE BISMARCK is mistaken in his supposition
that the Ultramontanes are conspiring against the unity of Germany
as well as Italy. There is reason for confiding minds to trust that
those pious persons are seeking to compass the political and religious
objects which they meditate by means far other than the plots and
intrigues whereof they are suspected by a cynical and worldly
Statesman. On the evening of Monday last week (the vigil of
S. Gregory) a party of travellers, bound for the Holy Land, set out
from Paris. According to a statement in the Patrie : —
" Among the party are English, French, and Swedes, and also several
families from Alsace and Lorraine, who are making a pilgrimage to Jerusalem
in order to pray for the restoration of their country to France."
There can be no doubt that the devotees who pray for the resto-
ration of Alsace and Lorraine to France are of a solidarity with
those by whom prayers are likewise offered for the disintegration of
Germany in order to the restoration of the POPE'S temporal power.
The latter object will, questionless, be prayed for by the pilgrims
who pray for the former, and of course they will pray for both
purposes when they have got to Jerusalem. All the difference
between their prayers and those of their fellow-believers throughout
the German Empire and Europe, will consist in locality; but though
the efficacy of such petitions may not depend upon circumstances of
latitude and longitude, BISMARCK has no right to complain of, if he
has cause to dread them. Nevertheless, probably, he would be glad
if all his Ultramontane adversaries, who pray against him, would
go to Jerusalem, and he would be still better pleased if they went
to Jericho.
As to the party of saintly Pilgrims bound, like Dtwois the young
and brave, for Palestine, but on a different errand, and having so
much farther to travel than the " fifty long miles " before PETER
PINDAR'S "brace of sinners," bound for Loretto, the Patrie omits
to mention whether or no they were supposed to have any peas in
their boots, raw or boiled.
GOSPEL WITHOUT GUNPOWDER.
DOTTBT has been expressed as to the veracity of the following
telegram which appeared the other day in the Times :—
"Her Majesty's sloop Rosario, COMMANDER CHALLIS, has shelled and
destroyed the native village on the island where BISHOP PATTESON was
murdered."
If the shelling and destruction of that native village is a fact, it
was doubtless a measure which some insufferable outrage committed
by the natives had compelled a British Officer to execute. Savages
may be improved off the face of the earth or on it, but the latter im-
provement cannot be combined with the former to any purpose ;
and let us hope that the bombardment of those natives was not
inflicted in aid of any missionary enterprise. Preachee may have
its effect upon natives, and so may shellee, but the effect of the
former is incompatible with that of the latter ; try either preachee
or shellee separately, but not preachee and shellee too.
Flea for Patent Medicines.
WITH reference to the proposed Utilisation of Vice by the licens-
ing of Lotteries, Gambling-Houses, and Betting-Offices, it should
be observed that the State does already to some extent license Folly,
and Vice too, inasmuch as it licenses humbug. There is a duty on
certain Patent Medicines. The contributories to it are the dupes
who buy and the quacks who sell them. It yields much money,
and pecunia non oht.
Reaction.
THAT amusing fellow, JOLLET CHEDWOBTH, like most men who
have a great flow of spirits, admits that he has his " corresponding
moments of depression," especially when there are arrears of letters
to clear off.
MARCH 23, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
127
A CAD'S WORD FOR THE CLAIMANT.
YEU say the Claimant's lost his can
There warn't no verdict, you forget.
And, mind yer, by the liritish laws,
There 's nothin' proved agin him yet.
Ah ! whether he 's the man, or no,
A plucky feller he must be,
In for a Harrerknight to go
'Gainst all them aristocracy.
And this is what yer can't deny,
That artor hayiu' kissed the Book,
If he was swearin' to a lie,
In tellin' it he never shook.
One of the People, never mind
His birth, he would, if ho 'd a' won,
Have took the pride down of his Kind
Which said he was the Butcher's son.
And then a lesson they 'd ha' learned,
Which'would have made 'em dreadful sad,
One of their own blood havin' turned
To what they calls a Rough and Cad.
But 0, the Jury stopped the case !
Yah ! Much that there agin him tells.
The fact wot stares yer in the face
Is that them Jurors all was swells.
Before a Jury of his Peers
He 've now to go ; to twelve plain men,
Oath agin oath, if his appears
The more rehabler, wot then ?
The Judge was down upon 'im 'ard.
The 'Turney-Gen'raPs Guv'ment plan
Of persecution, I regard
A dead set made agin the man.
But, Englishmen, with feelins strong,
"Won't see 'im crushed by power and spite
Because he spells his writin' wrong,
And don't pernounce his aitches right.
BREAKING THE ICE.
Sprightly Lady. " MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOTT OBLIGE in WITH "
Bashful Curate (who had scarcely spoken to his fair Neighbour). " 0, CISRTAIWLY.
WHAT SHALL I HAVE THB PLEASURE TO OFFER ? "
Lady. " A REMARK ! I "
DISTRAINT UPON PETTICOATS.
THE Brighton Daily News has been informed " that the Church
Association has, in the suit of ' HIBBEBT c. PTJECHAS,' acted on the
writ of sequestration of the REV. J. PURCHAS'S goods by employing
four bailiffs to seize the rev. gentleman's property. By what
follows this announcement, however, readers may be somewhat
mystified :—
"The officers were, it is said, instructed to examine every wardrobe and
chest of drawers in the house except those containing the property of the
servants, as well as the drawer* in the library. MR. PCHCHAS'S property is
protected by deed of gift, but a special warrant has, it is said, been applied
for to seize and sell the wearing apparel of MRS. PURCHAS and family and
also the rev. gentleman's clothes. We are authorised to state that this
rumour is unauthentic ; that the above proceedings have been taken because
a compromise submitted to the incumbent of St. James's had been rejected
by that gentleman."
If the above proceedings have, indeed, been taken, to what ex-
tent is the rumour which describes them unauthentic ? In case it is
true that '. four bailiffs were employed by the Church Association to
ransack ME. PUIICHAS'S wardrobe and drawers, and even to seize
and sell the wearing apparel of MRS. PcrtcnAS and family, a reason
quite creditable to that Society is assignable for that rigour. The
bailiffs may be conceived to have been sent hunting for mock Roman
Catholic sacerdotal vestments, the feathers in which PARSON JACK-
DAW is wont to prank himself in order to pass for Priest PEACOCK.
This supposition is confirmed by the statement that those officers
were directed to seize and sell not only the contents of ME. PTJB-
CHAS'S own wardrobe, but also the wearing apparel of MBS. PITECHAS
and family— presumably of daughters. The Church Association
would naturally suspect that some of the reverend gentleman's
ecclesiastical millinery might be concealed amongst the ladies'
things.
THE REPUBLIC OUT OF DOORS.
A TBEJTESDOUS stoppage has unexpectedly occurred, not, however,
in the commercial world, but only in the political. The Hole-in-
the- Wall has been stopped— that is to say the public-house of that
name in Kirby Street, flatten Garden, the Patriots' House of Call,
is closed against the Patriots. Its total closure was threatened by
the tyrannical licensing justices of the Holbprn division, but would
have been really, in a measure, the Patriots' own fault. The
Patriots were intemperate, not, indeed, in their consumption of
"intoxicating liquors," but rather after the manner of total
abstainers from drinks so called, who are wont to declaim against
their use with a fury closely resembling the effects of their abuse.
For:-
" The house was so well conducted in iti general business by iti landlady
— a widow — that the police had no complaint against it of the uiual character,
but a few of the neighbours were induced to sign a memorial alleging that the
noise made by the political meetings held in the house was a nuisance to the
neighbourhood.' '
After a period of grace vouchsafed " in order to see whether the
alleged nuisance was abated," itheir Worships, seeing it was not.
refused to renew the licence of the Hole-in-the-Wall, which would
then have been bunged up, yet so as to have no Bung. Xow the
place of Bung was supplied by a widow-landlady, and since her
public-house was respectably conducted as such, it would have been
hard that she should have to suffer for the annoyance created by the
braying and bleating of the Patriots, some of whom made a Republic-
house of it. But those noisy Republicans have had the grace not
to lose the poor woman her livelihood. They have betaken them-
selves elsewhere. As somebody in SHAKSPEARE says, somewhere,
about somebody else, (we can't be bothered to verify,) " we would do
them what grace we can."
128
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 23, 1872.
"BOOTS AND CHAMBERMAID."
Robin (the Morning after Ike Cricket Supper). " WHAT DOES THIS ' B ' AND ' C ' MEAN, DICK ? "
Richard (with a Headache). " 0, BRANDY AN' SODA, or COURSE. KING 'EM BOTH, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW!"
A PORTENT AT ROME.
A CONTEMPORARY'S Own Correspondent at Rome informs us that —
" The meeting of the Italian Biblical Society on Sunday evening at the
Sala Argentina attracted a vast concourse of people, natives as well as
foreigners, comprising ladies, especially English and American, as well as
gentlemen."
The speakers at this assembly included Fathers HYACINTHE and
GAVAZZI ; and ADMIRAL FISHBOTJRNE occupied the chair. Why,
here is Exeter Hall on the bank of the Tiber, and under the very
nose of the POPE. And his Holiness apparently smells a sweet
savour. FATHER HYACINTHE said that " he was encouraged to
attend the meeting from the recent praiseworthy act of the Pontiff
in permitting, almost with a benediction, the dispute which had
taken place so short a time before on the subject of St. Peter ever
having been in Rome. Is Pro Noxo in the way of being converted
to Protestantism, and will that be the consummation with which
Infallibility is going to crown its edifice ? Possibly. The logic of
facts may prove inexorable even for a Pope ; and the times we live
in are strange enough for anything.
THE AMERICAN ARGUMENT.
THBKE is one'question touching the Alabama Claims which, per-
haps has never occurred to the Claimants, and that is whether they
could have claimed more than they claim if the Government of this
country had distinctly sanctioned the equipment of the Alabama
as a Privateer. But certainly they have right to claim "conse-
quential damages" if any at all. One wonders that humorous
Yankees do not see that their demand of two hundred millions
reduces their entire claim to an absurdity in point of argument,
whilst it is numerically a multiplicatio ad absurdum.
"ALLIANCE" PROGRESS.
THE agitators who constitute the United Kingdom Alliance appear
to be possessed with the fixed idea that all the rest of the community
besides themselves are habitual drunkards. Men old enough to
remember the days when some persons did occasionally drink too
much, know what to think of such people as those who keep on say-
ing that their companions are drunk. An illustrated paper lately
started bears a title which would have served admirably for the
Arrest in the Avon.
THE river named in the subjoined extract from the Hampshire
Independent is only a Southern namesake of the more celebrated one
in a Midland County : —
" SALMON. — MR. SLOMAN captured a very tine salmon last week in the
River Avon, weighing upwards of 26 Ib."
We congratulate MR. SLOJIAN on the act of sportsmanship above
recorded, which reflects new credit on his name. There have been
SLOMANS who may, with a slight lisp, be said to have had other fish
'< to catch than thammonth.
" Tempus Fugit."— Fudge.
BANDBRSNATcn says that he cannot endure the common cant
, about the Value of Time. Does Nature value it ? Docs she not
ordain that one-third of every twenty-four hours shall be wasted in
sleep ? A man of sixty will at her command have wasted twenty
— , — , — r 0 — „ i whole years. Let us follow Nature, and be as idle as we choose,
their course of agitation for a Liquor Law — straight as they can go. ' says BANDERSNATCH.
name of an organ representing that class of people— the Zig- \
tag. That would signify the United Kingdom Allies' Progress in j
Fritted by Joieph Smith, of No. M Hollord Square. In the Partih of St. Janus. Clerkcnweu. In tue County of Middlesex. »t tbe Printing COcei of Heun. Bradbury, Brant. « Co., Lombard
Strset, In tie Pr.clnct of Whittfrtari, Inthe City of London, and Publiiani Or nira at No.M, Fleet Street, In the Parilh of St. Bride, City of London.-9«CE»AT, March 23, 1873.
MARCH 30, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
129
DUTY AND PLEASURE.
Rural Butler (deferentially). " AND WHAT DO YOU THINK o» OUB COUNTRY
QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIK!"
Town Gentleman (" in waiting " to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the Squire).
" WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHAKS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON 'EM, —
DDT — 'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH "EM." 1 1 1
QUESTIONS IN PARLIAMENT.
THE practice of asking private Members questions connected with the position
they hold outside the House of Commons seeming to be well established, notice
has been given that the following interrogations will be addressed to Members
when the House re-assembles after the Easter recess : —
ALDERMAN SIR J. C. LAWBF.XCE will be asked as to the probable saving which
might be effected, if the Corporation of London were to substitute at all their
banquets (except that given on the ninth of November) mock turtle for real.
LOHD ELCHO will be asked, what is the average cost of the uniform of the
London Scottish, and whether any complaints have been made by recruits of the
inconvenience they suffer in severe weather through the insufficient protection
of their nether limbs.
COLONEL HOGG will be asked, whether there is any truth in the report that
the Metropolitan Board of Works intend to give a dinner to the Vestrymen, at
the Crystal Palace, on the Queen's Birthday, at the expense of the ratepayers.
MR. WALTER will be asked, what are the profits of the Times, and particularly
how much is annually derived from the Births, Marriages, and Deaths, and who
receives the proceeds.
MR. BASS will be asked, whether there is any secret ingredient or process in
the brewing of bitter beer.
SIR T. CHAMBERS will be asked for an estimate of the number of deceased
wives' sisters who intend to marry their deceased sisters' husbands, when the
Bill of which he had charge shall have passed the House of Lords.
MR. CARDWELL will be asked, what are the rites and ceremonies observed at
the initiation of a Druid.
MR. CHAPLIN, or MR. MERRY, will be asked to favour the House with some
private information as to the respective merits of the leading horses engaged
in this year's Derby.
MB. DISRAELI, as one of the Trustees of the British Museum, will be asked,
whether it is intended to resume the practice of supplying refreshments to
visitors to that great national institution.
SIB ARTHUR GUINNESS will be asked whether all the bottles labelled
VOL. Mil. 0
"GuiNNESs's Stout" may be relied on as containing
that beverage in a genuine, unadulterated, and whole-
some condition.
MB, KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN will be asked, whether
he is writing another volume of charming Fairy Tales.
MR. NEWOEOATE, as one of the Trustees of Rugby
School, will be asked, whether he is aware that an
under housemaid, professing the Roman Catholic faith,
has recently been engaged at one of the boarding-houses
in connection with that Foundation.
MOTHER BRITANNIA'S NEW NURSERY
SONG.
AlK — " London Bridge it broktn doicn."
SEBASTOPOL was battered down —
Dance to the tune of £ s. d. \ —
It cost a Czar his sceptre and crown,
And a half-million lives cost armies three.
Sebastopol was a threat, we were told—
Dance to the tune of £ ». d. \ —
At Turkey flaunted by Bear so bold ;
And that JOHN BULL wouldn't stand — not he !
So with JOHNNY CBAPAUD an alliance he made —
Dance to the tune of £ *. d. ! —
And— a fig for outlay or stoppage of trade —
JOHN, JOHNNY, and Bear went a-clawing, all three !
JOHN and JOHNNY so touzled the Bear—
Dance to the tune of £ s. d. !—
His poor old body was one big tear.
And out of his eyes he scarce could see.
Though, thanks to Old Bruin's teeth and claws-
Dance to the tune of £ s. d. !—
We were forced to own that his hug and his jaws
Too strong and too sharp to be pleasing could be.
But all is well that well doth end-
Dance to the tune of £ ». d. ! —
And JOHN, for BONO JOHNNY his friend,
Sebastopol' s forts blew into the sea.
And what if with them JOHN BULL flung in —
Dance to the tune of £ i. d. \ —
A good many tons of his own hard tin,
And life that in cash ne'er reckoned can be ?
And what if we learn by the latest mail —
Dance to the tune of £ s. d. ! —
That the old Bear turns what should be his tail
To JOHN BULL'S face, contemptuouslie —
And proclaims to all his intention plain,
Dance to the tune of £ ». d. ! —
Of building Sebastopol up again,
With the forts JOHN BULL blew into the sea ?
JOHN BULL may bluster, JOHN BULL may blush —
Dance to the tune of £ «. d. ! —
But old Bruin for neither cares a rush,
For he knows JOHN'S not in the fighting key.
And JOHNNY CBAPAUD is down on his luck —
Dance to the tune of £ ». d. ! —
And in want of pence, if not of pluck,
So Bruin from fear on that side 's free.
So JOHN must see his work undone
Dance to the tune of £ s. d. ! —
And whistle, " 0, where is my money gone ? '
With the Russian forts flung into the sea !
And the Bear may laugh at the Lion's beard-
Dance to the tune of £ *. d. !—
And nout JOHN BULL, whom once he feared,
When life and money he risked more free.
130
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, March 18.— Asked by LORD MALMES-
BURT when the American despatch would be
produced, LORD GRANVILLE answered that he
did not know. If there is one thing more than
another that we admire in a man, it is always
speaking the truth.
LORD COLVILLE, of Culross, one of whose sup-
porters is a Rhinoceros — that has nothing to do with the present
question, but any general information should always be acceptable to
the candid mind — ventilated a grievance on the part of twenty young
officers in the Guards. They had been gazetted as ensigns and lieu-
tenants, but under the new arrangements would lose their rank.
The DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE said that it was all right, and therefore
we decline to go into the subject. But several Peers were very
irate. It must be allowed that a parent who, like Sir Salaam,
" For his son a gay commission buys,"
may be allowed to feel wrathful if the young gentleman is after-,
wards placed in probation. But somebody must suffer when reforms
are made; and this fact explains, to the credit of our common
humanity, the general reluctance to reform anything.
LORD HALIFAX announced a fortnight's holidays, from the follow-
ing Friday. Therefore the pensive Public will be good enough not
to faint away on finding no Essence next week.
In the Commons the ATTORNEY-GENERAL, referring to the case of
the "scoundrel" CHAFFERS, said that a Magistrate might use his
own discretion in regard to taking Statutory Declarations. Beaks,
please copy.
MR. GLADSTONE, interrogated as to the Indian grant to LADY
MAYO, £lOOOa-year for the Countess herself, and £20,000 for the
family, a sum considered by many persons to be small, contended
that it was really more than was given to LADY ELGIN. Without
needlessly dwelling on a painful and delicate subject, we must say
that we fail to see the exactness of the parallel.
The PREMIER had been asked on the Friday, by MR. DISRAELI, for
information as to the American answer. He said to-night that it
did not accept our views, and it demanded a rejoinder. This was
handed to GENERAL SCHENCK on the following Thursday. MR.
GLADSTONE has the happiest facility in turning English poetry into
Latin, and at the conclusion of his reply was heard by Mr. Punch
to be murmuring as follows : —
" Ad urbem ivit Doodlius cum
Caballo et calone,
Ornavit pluiin'i pU<i<<»,
Et dixit, ' Macaroni.' "
Which shows that though the day was Monday, MR. GLADSTONE
had seen Mr. Punch's Cartoon, given to the Universe on Wednesday.
The fact is-- — hut that is nobody's business but the PREMIER'S and
Mr. Punches. Vulgar curiosity is very childish.
An Admiralty Debate, in which MK. CORKY, MR. CHILDERS, and
MR. GOSCHEN did all they knew. Nothing could be more satisfactory
than the defence of the way in which our Navy is managed ; and,
indeed, we heard the same day that the Lord Clydn, which h.d run
aground, had got off with only her rudder and stern-post lost, and
her machinery damaged. Rule Britannia, Britauma rules the
waves.
" ' What are they f. ared on, fools, 'od rot 'cm ? '
Were the last words of HIOOINBOTTOM."
The last words of MR. WINTERBOTHAM this evening were even more
worthy to be recorded than those of the glorious Fireman in lly'ected
Addresses. The UM>KU- SECRETARY moved the Second Reading of a
Bill for securing to the workman that all his wages should be paid
in money, and for abolishing the Truck system. An admirable
measure, for the benefit of thousands, yet we hear no recognition of
this act of real statesmanship.
Tuesday.— This was the night of the great DILKE row. SIR
CHARLES DILKE was to move for an inquiry into the Civil List, and
the Iluuse and Galleries were crammed, a scene being expected.
For it had gone forth that tho Republican Baronet was to be
smitten by no meaner hand than that of the First Minister of the
Queen whose private affairs it was proposed to inquire into. Before
SIR CHARLES could begin, LORD BURY demanded of the SPEAKER
whether a profession of Republicanism were consistent with an oath
of allegiance. MR. BRAND did not consider it his business to decide
that question.
Noises began, and some of them were disagreeable. But the
Baronet was heard through his long speech fairly enough. He
brought out a great many details, and on the whole sought to show
that the Royal Income was not properly spent. Then did MR.
GLADSTONE arise in his righteous indignation, and went smashingly
into the Chelsea baronet as if he had been Chelsea china— though,
by the way, that is about the last thing that MR. GLADSTONE, who
hath fine taste in such matters, would smash. He certainly did let
SIR CHARLES " have it hot." Mr. Punch does not compare SIR
CHARLES to Thersites, but insists on remembering what Ulysses
said to that party : —
" Curb that impetuous tongue, nor rashly vain,
And singly mad, asperse the Sovereign lleign."
Having demolished his man, our Ulysses sat down amid astounding
cheers from the Opposition as well as from his own party. Then
another Aristocrat followed in the wake of the Baronet. The
Honourable AUBEHON HERBERT announced his preference for a Re-
public. The row then set in fiercely, and Mr. Punch inclines to
draw a veil over proceedings that did not greatly redound to the
credit of the House of Commons. It is true that they were an index
of public opinion in the matter, but Parliament is expected to be
decorous, and not to allow cock-crowing as an argument. Even the
Gallic Cock could, not have behaved worse. The SPEAKKR said that
the scene gave him great pain. Counts were attempted, and then
strangers and reporters were excluded for an hour, and then there
was a division on an attempt at adjournment— negatived by 261 to
23. Ma. FAWCETT opposed the motion in a spirited and sensible
speech, and denounced the mixing up the question of Republicanism
with "huckstering and haggling over the cost of the Queen's
household." Finally, there was division on the motion itself, and
the voters for it, including Tellers, were three Aristocrats, namely,
Baronets DILKE and LAWSON, and MR. HEHBEUT. son of an Earl,
and they had one friend, MR. ANDERSON, of Glasgow. Against
these Four were, without Tellers, Two Hundred and Seventy-Six.
The House roared with laughter, and soon went away. The Repub-
lican attack on the QUEEN was about as contemptible as that by the
lad who presented the flintless and empty pistol the other day ; but
in the later case as in the former, the affair was one for the police,
and Constable GLADSTONE, A 1, was quite equal to the occasion.
Wednesday. — Again questioned on the American topic, the
PREMIER made an answer which was, even for him, a miracle of
elaborate verbiage, yet his meaning was plain enough, and the case
was one in which exceeding tact in diction was essential. But as
LORD JOHN MANNERS failed to apprehend the orator's point, the
PREMIER said,
" I think my words convey a perfectly distinct and irrevocable pledge tb;tt
if there were any alteration in the spirit, aim, and direction of the policy of
the Government, it would, in my opinion, be a primary mitter of duty that
we should take care not to allow Parliament to remain in the dark on. the
subject."
The day was occupied with a debate on the Dublin University
Tests Bill ; but as it was talked out, and cannot be heard of again
this Session, we need say no more than that MR. ISAAC BUTT made
his re-entry into the House, and spoke against the measure, as in-
sufficient. When we think of our ISAAC'S eloquence in other days —
did not H. B. depict the Great Duke as led in triumph at MR. BUTT'S
chariot wheels 'f — we should exclaim, Quantum »iutatus ab illo !
only that, as an Irishman, he might think we said " "taters," and
meant personality, which we abhor.
MARCH 30, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
131
tiii-siti/.— NKLSON expects every man to sit down in
Church, but he will explain himself after Easter. We can wait.
The MAK.HIS OK SU.ISIIURY defeated the BISHOP OF LOXDOM
about a clause in the Ecclesiastical Courts Bill, which clause the lay
peer said was unfair to the clergy. The Marquis having thus pro-
tected the Priest against tha Bishop, the Bill passed, la it not in
Kiny Juliii that it is anted —
" What wilt thou do, renowned SAI.ISIIURY,
Succour Vi'st-millinc.TS and Ritualists?"
Mil. BAXTER said, that one of the Record keepers had spilt ink on
nine documents in his charge, and had torn put leaves to conceal
his crime. !!ul, as he had been awfully penitent, and had a wife
and children, it was thought that Vengeance might be satiated
without actually ruining him by dismissal, but he is to be under
tremendous surveillance for two years. We approve the Clemency
of BA.VTKK, of " I'.onny Dundee," where, by the way, the best Mar-
malade is «.,/ made- now then. Still, we have " filled up our con"
with worse, and used language to match.
\\V had the Navy Estimates. MH. (ii.si ni:x asked for 61,000 men
and boys, and lor "l'u',iiTI.,M:> for their wages. Both requests were
granted, of course, \vithjust so much discourse as give* grace to a
favour, which it is vulgar to fling at a person's head the moment it
is asked. These delicacies indicate the English gentleman who
reads LOUD < 'IIKSIHKI IKLD ; better reading, by the way, than is
generally supposed.
l-'rfiliiy. — American question raised by the EABL OK DFBBY, and
guarded answer given by LpKD OKANVILLE. We send in our
counter-case, " without prejudice " to our declaration that we recog-
nise no preposterous claims.
The Commons sat till one, chiefly amusing themselves with a
debate about Irish Party Processions. The ATTORNEY-GEXKBAL for
Ireland was witty, as usual, and Mu. DISH u:i.l was, as usual, happy
with a retort— he apologised for having by mistake accused Lom
I!AUTIN«TON of doing a gracious thing, but was quite sure that his
Lordship would take an early opportunity of deporting himself in
the way MR. DISB.VELI had imagined.
nobleman in Warwickshire, who is justly jealous of the fame of that
other nobleman and mankind-benefactor who is mentioned outside
the bottles of nearly the best sauce in the world. Let everybody try
this experiment in fasting.
THE UNIVERSITY BOAT-EACE.
HOT CROSS BUNS.
" REALLY, the subject is hardly worth " Strong-minded
Woman, hold your tongue, M'm. Confine yourself to your legiti-
mate themes, general scepticism, resistance to sanatory policy,
abolition of restriction on marrying one's grandmother, and the like.
Leave culinary matters to superior people. The Hot Cross Bun is
an Institution, and in spite of its Catholic pedigree, we believe that
Ms. NEWDEGATE himself would hand a Bun to MR. WHALLEY. In
youth, one vied with one's compeers in regard to the number of
buns one could devour on Good Friday — eight or ten was a low
figure. The ambition of numerical superiority has passed away,
with good dige-tion. Yet a bun may agreeably diversify breakfast
—and alas ! how difficult a thing is that. Split, and a layer of
marmalade introduced — and that article is palatable. But hearken
to an inspiration. A Catholic himself may listen. Open your bun,
and lay several anchovies, not too much washed, inside. Make it a
fish-sandwich. This is from the autograph recipe of an eminent
THE MO UN I NO.
PEOPLE were up early looking out of their windows at the weather,
fully prepared for a sultry day or six inches of snow on the ground.
Ladies had parasols and sealskins alike in readiness. Clouds were
about, and policemen, and postmen. The milkman's clients were
not surprised to learn that his prejudices were in favour of Light
Bine. The transactions in newspapers were enormous, as the Board
of Trade returns for the month of March will presently shou
eyes of all London, and a large section of the country, were ftxed
upon two river-side inns and eighteen muscular young men occupying
their state apartments.
THE JOURNEY.
The steamers had their hundreds (judging by the appearance of
' the Umpire's Boat, the race must have required the assistance of
many umpires), the railroads their thousands, the turnpike roads
their thousands also. These seem round numbers, but they may
be relied on, and quoted hereafter in historical documents as correct
within ton or twenty, for our enumerators were men of vast expe-
rience, Fellows of the Statistical Society, and had boen in all the
great crowds of modern times.
The tide of human existence never ceased flawing from morn till
noon, and in some instances even later, in and out of vehicles of every
description and quality of springs, to the Hiver and its romantic
banks ; to Soapworks, Breweries, and Aqueducts ; to piers and com-
mons ; to platforms and pavilions ; to church-towers and boat-house
tops ; to public hostelries and private residences ; to bridges which
are trophies of modern ingenuity and capital, or relics of bygone
times and traditions ; to episcopal lawns and grassy gardens sloping
down to the water sedge ; to gravel walks and towing paths ; to late
breakfasts or early luncheons ; to win or to lose, to shout or to cheer
from the signal gun to the winning barge, from the moment of de-
parture to the minute of victory ; from pensive Putney to 'musing
Mortlake — Mortlake enshrined in song. Putney embalmed in story,
and both, Mortlake and Putney, now immortalised in Punch.
THE EIVEB.
FAB as the eye could see or the binocular could scan, an innu-
merable concourse of men, women, and people of both sexes, of
horses, carriages, and domestic servants, of nags, streamers, and
ribbons of every shade of blue. The New Cut barrowman cheek by
jowl with the Norman baron ; the sturdy mechanic elbowing the
sublime millionnairt ; the proud possessor of a hundred quarterings
shouldering the proprietor of no quarters at all ; the extremes
of society and the mediums of the spirits ; beauty, fashion, birth,
and brain ; powder, paint, and wigs ; a majority of the ratepayers
of Middlesex, Surrey, and Kent ; large deputations from every other
county in the United Kingdom ; representatives of the Press and
all foreign powers ; men bronzed with the fierce glare of a tropic snn,
or familiar with the icebergs and preserved meats of Polar seas, others
who had travelled many miles that morning by excursion trains ;
brothers who were rather in the way ; — all these fused and blended
into a noisy, niveous scene, which only the pen of a FROISSART or
a PHILIP DE COMMINES, the pencil of a CAN AIETTO or a CABAVAGGIO,
could describe or depict, and which, therefore, as these eminent men
have been dead some years, must be left to the fancy, the imagina-
tion, the evening and morning daily papers.
THE RACE.
Had we not gone down to the Thames every day for a fortnight
to see the two crews paddle, and spin, and spurt ? Was not Corney
Reach as familiar to us as Hyde Park Corner ? Did we not know
No. 5 in a scratch eight ? Had we not made ourselves thoroughly
acquainted with the Theory of Rowing ? Had we not read "The
Coming Race ? " Had we not, with severe impartiality, bought the
favours of both Universities, so as to be able to assume the winning
colours at the triumphant moment ? Had we not hired a chrono-
graph especially to time the race P Had we not paid seven-and-
sixpence for a seat amid osiers within sight of the goal of Victory ?
Then, why did fate, fortune, and destiny, in league with dilatori-
ness, delay, and procrastination, conspire against us, and cause us to
miss the train, and to forfeit the seven-and-sixpence, and to lose
the seat in the osier-bed, and to arrive only in time to hear the last
reverberation of the last shout, and to be told that CamfnriSgt had
won, and to know that we had lost our little all in backing dear old
Oxford ?
Snow ! Unmanly to complain of a little congealed rain at Lady
Day. Has not the "Derby, which is much later in the year, been run
in a storm of crystalli/ed rain?
132
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1872.
FOR BACHELORS THINKING OF MARRIAGE.
Mrs Jones. "0, MALCOLM, LOOK! THAT'S THE VERT MRS. BROWN \VE MET AT THE ROBINSONS' LAST WEES!
TO SINK INTO THE EARTH ! ! "
Mr. Jones. "Wny, DEAREST? WHY?"
Mrs. Jones. "0, MALCOLM, JUST THINK! I WORE THE SAME DRESS I 'VE GOT ON TO-NIGHT !"
I SHOULD LIKE
ON ST. PATEICK'S DAY FALLING ON A SUNDAY.
(MARCH 16TH, 1872.)
AIE— " St. Patrick's Day in the Morning."
WHAT 's to be done, when a national festival,
Meant to dance jigs o' nights, and to quench thirst o' days,
Happens to fall on a day that, though best of all,
Isn't so fitted for fun as the worst of days ?
Some, for that raison, 'ud wait for next saison ;
And some, for the Sunday, 'ud keep it on Monday ;
And some 'ud like Saturday more than the latter day
But
Take my advice, whin you come to a holiday
Chancing to fall, by mistake, on a Sunday,
If you 'ye a doubt in decidin' the jolly day,
Keep it on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday !
Love's patron- Saint, t' other day, in despondency.
MONSELL and all the Post-Office subornin',
Slyly agreed — to curtail correspondence — he
For once 'nd be born on Ash- Wednesday morning ! ! *
Did he succeed, thin ? He didn't indeed, thin ;
Each Ash- Wednesday cindther we used up for tindther
To light twice the matches the Saint mostly hatches
Take my advice, and whenever a holiday
Thries to slip past unbeknownst, to your sorrow
Keep it, if doubtin' the date o' the jolly day,
Yesterday, sure, and to-day, and to-morrow.
* Who has forgotten how St. Valentine's Day perversely fell this year on
the day of sackcloth and ashes ?
Ah, what 's the odds, if our Pathron's nativity
Falls on a Sunday, or even Good Friday ?
Who but a sowl in Kilmainham captivity,
Ever would let Pathrick's Day be a dry day ?
If you drown wid delight your green shamrocks to-night, you 're
Only preparin' thim, arrah, for wearin' thim
Sunday and Monday through, reckoned as one day
Through
Takin' advice, whin you come to a holiday
Chancin' to fall, by mistake, on a Sunday,
And, for the fear you 'd risk missin' a jolly day,
Keepin' it Saturday, Sunday, and Monday !
SPEAKING BY THE CARD.
SIH, — Can you inform me, if, when stating anything injurious of
another person on a postal card, I am guilty of a libel ? It strikes
me that if I were to tell you in this way that our friend BANDER-
SNATCH was not to be trusted, it would be a confidential communi-
cation, being strictly between you and me and the post.
To Mr. Punch.
Yours respectfully,
A. BAWBEE.
Not "Right About -March !"
MARCH scarcely is verifying the proverb of " coming in like a lion,
and going out like a lamb." The lion, at any rate, was too fond of
turning on his main, and the lamb's fleece is objectionably snowy.
Cold lamb is all very well, but a little later on in the season.
THE BALANCE OF COMFORT.— An American Chair.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MARCH 30, 1872.
ANOTHER EMPTY WEAPON.
Linus CHABLEY DILKE. " PLEASE, SIR, THERE 'S NOTHIN1 IX IT ! "
GLADSTONE, A 1. " NOTHING IX IT, INDEED ! I 'LL TEACH YOU ! "
MABCH 30, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
135
THE HEIGHT OF FASHION.
ors of Spring are
now returning.
Violets and prim-
roses once more
blossom in the
hedgerows. New
potatoes and aspa-
ragus appear again
Upon our dinner-
tables. The lilao
and horse-chestnut
expand their bud-
ding petals ; and
the fashion-books
again put forth
their. vernal leaves.
Whereof we cull a
specimen :—
"Throughout the
winter the prevailing
style has been to pile
feathers, flowers, lace,
and bows upon the crown of the chapeau, so as to form a kind of pyramid : but it is now
becoming the fashion to place the trimming at the »ide, ami to allow the feathers to curl
round the crown. The cbapeau is thus reduced to a moderate height, and certainly
presents a more graceful appearance."
For gentlemen of small stature this is indeed a delightful piece of news. By
the help of high-heeled boots and towering, heaped head-gear, ladies have
1 1 vi T topped them for many a month past, and have made them look still smaller
than they really were. Even {husbands of fair growth have seemed pigmies by
their wives, and the filial reverence of their children has in consequence de-
creased. Small men, sensitive to ridicule, and vain of their appearance, must
have wished that women generally were of the species "whose heads do
grow beneath their shoulders," while at least the fashion lasted of wearing
high-crowned hats. May your shadow soon be less ! must have been their
aspiration as they found themselves eclipsed by every lady that they met.
Surely, women must have had a slate loose in their upper storeys when they
took to building such enormous structures on their heads. However, now there :
is to be a downfall of these monstrous headittces ; and although their stature
will be sensibly diminished, surely ladies, for their sense in discarding such
monstrosities, will, in a mental point of view, be far more to be looked up to. j
CANDID, IF TRUE.
PASett et ab hoite doceri, M. TIIIKRS seems to think,
lias he not taken a lesson in outspokenness from PUI.STK
I!I>M MICK? The subjoined telegram from Versailles
announces a declaration which looks as if he had : —
"At the reception of M. THIEUS last night, the President of
the Republic entered into a long conversation with several
deputies on the Uomiin question, maintaining that tlie true
interest of Kratu .• -x.m to remain a nation protecting Catholicism.
It was iu Ciitli'jlu i-m that lay the traditions and strength of
France. Ucinmiv rallied around Protestant interests ; Franco
must rally around Catholic interests."
This Presidential Allocution must have been intended
to reach PKINCB BISMARCK'S ears, even if M. TIIIKIIS
addressed it only to those of his reception-room walls.
It is, evidently, a notice to apprise the Chancellor that
he had better, as schoolboys say, mind his eye with
respect to Catholicism. Will this admonition frighten
him into abandonment of his policy of thwarting the
Ultramontanes, or rather determine him in the resolve to
put them completely down ? M. THIEUS is a politician,
and may have profound reasons for threatening Germany
that, on behalf of Catholic interests, she will have France
to reckon with. The last reckoning between them was
in Germany's favour, and it may suit BISMAKCK and his
KJIPEROK to let her run up another, or they may prefer
swooping down and stopping that incipient process at
its first start. Instead of giving out that France must
rally around Catholic interests, one would have expected
M. TM i Kits to announce that France should devote her-
self to prosecuting commercial interests, and use every
endeavour to secure one ally by establishing a cordial
understanding with United Italy.
The Public and Republic.
A LICENCE has been granted to the Hole-in-the-Wall,
permitting it to subsist under the sign of the Crown. So
much for the Republic and Republic-House. The Crown,
that was the Hole-in-the-Wall, is a sign of the times.
SACEEDOTAL SPIRITUALISM.
Is there another Spiritualism than that which is concerned in the
elongation of MB. HOME and the introduction of MRS. Guppr into a
room through a closed door, or a wall, or a ceiling, if not down the
chimney, or through an open door ? Or is this all one with that of
which cases are related by the Time? Special Correspondent at Paris,
who says : —
" As I am on clerical ground, I may mention a curious piece of news, which
reaches us from Nancy. It appears that a Nun there has been baring visions.
The Holy Virgin has announced to her that if France would repent, great
events would be accomplished before the end of next month — the territory
would be evacuated by the enemy, and the advantages of a monarchical form
of Government would be conferred on France. . . The 24th of April is, I
understand, the day fixed for the consummation of these events."
To the foregoing announcement we are enabled to add the asser-
tion of our confident expectation that it will come true. Monarchy
may verily be re-established in, and the Germans withdrawn from,
France on the above-named day ensuing All Fools'. In that case
France will certainly have repented— of Republicanism at any rate.
But more probably France will not repent at all ; and then the pre-
diction delivered by the conventual medium will be fulfilled by the
continuance in France of the present state of things. Either way
the medium can hardly prove to have been out.
A case of "seeing mediumship," comprising no less than four
seers, is attested by a French prelate : —
" Not long since the Bishop of Laval wrote a pastoral letter on the subject
of the miraculous appearance of the Virgin to four children in a village in
M:iyeimn, and was so convinced of the reality of the fact that he has decided
to erect a chapel in honour of Mary upon the ground upon which she con-
descended to appear."
To that end the Bishop may possibly have solicited the contribu-
tions of the faithful. If, however, he has announced that the chapel
which he has decided on erecting will be built at his own expense,
his own belief in the " manifestation," for whose reality he vouches,
will at least be credible. Sincerity is presumable on the part of one
who goes even further to demonstrate it than those do who " back
their own opinions with a wager." By the way, given any instance
of alleged spiritual or supernatural fact or phenomenon capable of
proof or disproof by investigation, and given possibility of investi-
gation satisfactory to let us say, PROFESSOR TYNDALL, PROFESSOR
HUXLEY, and the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE of the Queen's Bench, is
there any one Spiritualist, of what creed soever, who would be will-
ingtp bet that it would be proved true ?
Will DR. MANNING now take ten to one against the demonstrated
objective reality of any alleged supernatural appearance, however
well authenticated, which has, in his belief, occurred to any Nun, or
other person whomsoever ?
BISHOPS BEHEADED.
IN the discussion of " the Deans and Canons Resignation Bill,"
the other night, the MARQUIS OF SALISBURY complained that—
" The sixth and seventh clauses of the Bill (giving power to remove lunatic
Canons) would affect certain members of the Universities who, in addi'ion to
other offices, held that of Canon. He thought there were two heads of Col-
leges at Oxford and one at Cambridge in that position, and those Colleges
viewed with apprehension the power which the Hill would give the £iihopt
to make away with their heads, by declaring them lunatics."
But did it need this Bill to give power to the Bishops either to
suffer, or perform, this kind of Happy Despatch P
We have surely seen a good many of these venerable Fathers of
the Church losing their heads in Convocation, and apparently none
the worse Bishops for the privation —
" For a1 that, and a1 that,
And twice as much as a' that ;
Without a wig. without a head,
A B. 's a B. for a' that ! "
Not Weber's.
MR. AUIIERON HERBERT, on rising to second SIR CHARLES DILKE'S
motion for an inquiry which every gentleman in the House of
Commons regarded as implying an insult to the QUEEN, was assailed
with a storm of groans and hisses, mingled with cries of " Divide ! "
imitations of cock-crowing, and (as MR. O'BRALLAOHAN said) other
noises of dumb animals. This was the Parliamentary Overture to
AUBEKON.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1872.
TOOK A. FIRST CLA41 TICKET
CLARA AT BARNES SPENT so MUCH TIME IN DECORATION THAT HE
MEET HIS /<&*/ Jg^~, ~OBLICED T» K*VE A HAKSOM
PROMISED x-x^vss*1 jmK3&=~. -~r° NVATERLJO
AFTER SOME EXCITEMENT .AT UST COT TO
WHERE HE COULD NOT
FIND CLARA AFTER ALL*
&UT MA.D TO TRA,VEI_ THIRD
BUT IT V««V to' TO VIS5 THE
HE HAS A ^^ BOAT TO
BLOSSOM AT THE BOAT-RACE.
MARCH 30, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
A VALUABLE ACQUISITION.
Dutiful Nephew. " 0, UNCLE, I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T MIND MY BRINGING
MY FRIEND, GrRIGG, FROM OUR OFFICE. HE AIN'T MUCH TO LOOK AT, AND HE
CAN'T DANCE, AND UK DON'T TALK, AND HE WON'T PLAY CARDS BUT HE 'a
SUCH A MIMIC ! ! TO-MORROW HE 'LL IMITATE YOU AND AUNT BETSY IN A
WAY THAT'LL MAKE ALL THE FELLOWS ROAR it I"
TOWNS ON THE THAMES.
A SUMMARY of DR. FiaxKi.Axn's analytical examina-
tions of the somewhat different Fluids supplied by the
several Metropolitan Water Companies respectively to
•r<ipi>litan people contains a statement especially
•ing tu the inhabitants of the districts, 8. and
S.W. :—
"The Cheltea and Lambeth Companies draw their supplies
from the Thames after it has received the polluted Mole »nd the
nwage of six hundred t)i»u«and people, including the filth of
Oxford, Heading, and Windsor."
The rest of the Water Companies' Fluids or 1
are described by l>it. K I:\XKI.\XU as tarred, so to (peak
as we are wont of solids, with the same brush as the
Chelsea and I.ambeth, more or less, all but tin- K. i •
ny, whifh "is the only one of • <politari
Companies which draws its entire supply from chalk-
wells, and does not distribute any water from polluted
rivers."
We know that :—
" Kent in tlie Commentaries Caesar writ,
la term'd the civill'st place of all this ule."
And, as regards water for drinking purposes, civilisa-
tion in Kent is unaccompanied by the results of civilisa-
tion elsewhere, namely the admixture imparted to rivers
by tributaries from towns to which a name is given
above. " Cometh up as a flower" is a saying applicable
to all the other Londoners than those supplied with the
Kent Company's water, since that on which the former
are reared is of a quality which renders it appropriate
for horticultural purposes. Of them, also, it is especially
true that all flesh is grass, since that which they drink
is about the same with what is better utilised in irriga-
tion. According to DE. FKANKLAND : —
" Living organisms were found in 1871 in most of the turbid
•amplcs delivered by each of the Companies drawing their sup-
plies from the Thames, excepting only the West Middlesex,
which on all occasions sent out well-filtered water."
But the most perfect filtering will only strain the water
off the rest of it, and leave all that is soluble in solu-
tion. An Act compelling householders to incur heavy
expense for the means of oeing supplied with the Water
Companies' admixture has come into force. Let us hope
that it will be allowed to sleep until the Law or the
Legislature shall have stopped the contributions from
Towns to Thames.
OUR BOAT-RACE AND BROTHERS.
COME, foreigners of Europe, in England who behold
A nation ever on its knees before the Calf of Gold,
A moody, melancholy race that never can be gay,
JOHN BULL, the dull boy JACK that 's made by all work and no play.
Come to the bankside of the Thames, 0 most mistaken friends,
When year by year the Cambridge Crew with the Oxford Crew
contends ;
Behold the British multitude in their glory and their glee,
Of eight youths 'gainst eight other youths a boat-race come to see.
Lo, that enthusiastic crowd immense on either hand,
How closely packed in steamboat, and in balcony, and stand !
In muslins of the lighter and the darker shade of blue
There are beings well your coming worth from e'er so far to view.
What ! are we not lighthearted ? See what smiles are on each face !
Hark to the joyous buzz and hum of the British populace !
List their warm-hearted cheering as the gallant lads pull by,
And don't keep calling Britons cold with constant cuckoo-cry.
What happier people can you show at Carnival or fete,
In temporary little things with interest keen and great ?
O 'tis a sign of happiness, above all other, to
Enjoy a mind intent upon what much concerns not you !
There are, that for the morrow cannot cease from taking thought,
For this world or the other who with cares are ever wrought,
They 're a small miserable set, poor creatures, who belong
To another kind of Englishmen than that unselfish throng.
You fancy, whilst those Masses in the Outward yon survey
Absorbed, that they no taxes have, no rates, nor rent to pay ;
Yet laden with an Income-tax, e'en they, the chosen few,
At most are anxious but about their bets on either crew.
Do not, however, you whom to this Isle hath travel brought,
Yon People's objectivity ascribe to lack of thought;
No, Monsieur, no, good management of care has made then light,
And every one of them, mein Herr, has solved the Infinite.
There 's not another country in the world that yon can show
Whose natives more on pastimes and on games their minds bestow
Than Britons, whom with all the rest of men if you. compare,
You '11 find the reason why is that they 've more of mind to spare.
What though the bitter North-east wind this year brought cold and
snow?
The People still in their thousands went to see the scholars row.
For Englishmen, when sport 's in view, heed neither snow nor rain.
Can France boast that ? Can Germany, or Italy, or Spain ?
Their Most Sweet Voices.
THE political friends and supporters of the PREMIER will rejoice to
learn that, whereas, at a meeting held in St. James's Hall, to protest
against the Parks Bill, SIR CHARLES DILKE and the Honourable AUBF.-
RON HERBERT were received with " a storm of cheering "each ; " MR.
GLADSTONE'S name was hooted and hissed when mentioned." The
Republicans and Revolutionists have found MR. GLADSTONE out.
The discovery will be most advantageous to the People's WILLIAM
in the estimation of the majority of the people.
138
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MARCH 30, 1872.
THEOLOGICAL MENSURATION.
Severe Churchwoman. " I DIDN'T LIKE THE SERMON AT ALL. IT WAS MUCH TOO ' BROAD.' '
Lively Niece. " WELL, AUNTIE, I'M SURE TOU CAN'T SAT IT WAS AS BROAD AS IT WAS LONG 1 "
COLOURS OF THE SEASON.
THE East wind blows cold, and Jack Frost lays his hold
On noses and fingers and toes,
In dull leaden grey scowls the sky all the day,
And at last weeps its sulks out in snows.
And the pretty pink blossoms of almond and peach,
And the apricot's petals so pale,
Of cruel Jack Frost vainly mercy beseech,
Or of crueller Easterly gale !
And they piteously cry with a shudder and sigh,
As they shrivel and shrink on the wall,
" Poor fools to be lured by a blink of blue sky,
But to flush, and to fade, and to fall ! "
And though tougher my mettle than peach-blossom's petal,
This cold makes e'en my temper hot :
Was it KINGSLEY wrote drivel to East winds too civil ?
May East winds in his teeth blow his rot !
One thinks with a shiver of lads on the river,
As it rolls, cold and lumpy and rough ;
And mad as March hares the crew reckon that dares
In such weather to strip to the buff!
And scarcely less frantic the public, old antic !
For Oxford or Cambridge entete,
That, in spite of this weather, a million together.
Crowds bridge and shore, tow-path, and jetty !
Side by side, rival blues, unlike roses of hues
Lancastrian and Yorkist of old,
In the same field displayed— dark, in noses half flayed,
And light in fair cheeks pinched with cold !
THE LATEST "HAPPY THOUGHT."
WHAT makes a happy home ? A good wife ? A cheerful baby ?
An affectionate family? Ample means ? Sound digestion ? No bills ?
Excellent servants ? These are all old-fashioned notions, not worth a
moment's consideration, when compared with the grand discovery
of the enthusiastic philanthropist who instructs us that there can
be " No happy home without its Easter egg." Perhaps he is right.
The most amazing pun which even Mr. Punch ever read was made
on the subject of eggs, and is attributed to DEAN SWIFT. Macedonia's
Madman, " PHILIP'S warlike son," disliked the article so much that
when he came into a room where his friends were eating "demnitiou
eggs," there was a cry, " All eggs under the grate." " Yes, it is
just AWLEXANDEB THE GREAT," replied the deceived despot, smiling,
and complimenting his Macedonians on their excellent Scotch. If
this anecdote and an Easter egg together will not make a British
home happy, " our brains are addle.
Shade of Cervantes !
THE New York Evening Post considers SIR CHABLES '
resolution for an investigation into the Crown expenses as simply a.
Quixotic attack upon Royalty, Quixotic ? What a libel on the
loyal and gallant DON QUIXOTE !
An End of a Sinecure '.
THEUE is no intention, we are told, to fill up the vacant office of
Queen's Advocate. HEE MAJESTY does not want one.
LATEST FEOM NEWGATE.
No fools are found the Wagga-wock to bail ;
So he who lied in Court still lies in Gaol.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. M. Holford Square, in the Parish of St. /amefl.Clerkenwell.ln the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Metirg. SIradDiiry, fya n, * Co.. Lorn ard
Street, In the Precinct of Wbitefriars. in the Oitr of London, and Published bT him at No. 85. Fleet street, in the Pariah of St. Bride. City of Londoa.— Siroaoi.1 .Marjh i.0. 187J.
APRIL 6, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
139
PURSUIT O' KNOWLEDGE!
First Agricultural (quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened). " WHAT Bl
THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'll SAM'L ! "
Second Ditto (Wag of the Tillage). " WHY, TO CABBY THE TSLEGRAPT WOIBIS,
CHARGE I "
first Ditto. " WHAT BK THK WOIRES VUB, THBN 1 "
Second Ditto. " WHAT BE THE WOIBES FOB, ? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THZ POST-ES,
SAKT'N'Y, UEAKUE." I ! I
DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
THE eyes of provident young bachelors may with profit
be directed to this elegant description of acme articles
of toilette, which they will doubtless be expected, if they
marry, to provide : — '.
" The coiffure consisted of a Louis TUB FIFTEENTH put],
composed of blue feathers, Alcnijun lace, and a bouquet of
Uoners ; while Louis THE FIFTEENTH aboei of blue faille, with
rose-coloured keels, trimmed with lace, blue bowi, and a row-
coloured puff, completed the toilette."
Ex pede Ventrem. One may judge of the extrava-
gance of all the rest of the costume of this Venus of
the period, merely from the costly decoration of her
feet. Shoes trimmed with lace, and beautified with
blue bows and adorned with roseate heels, would be
badly out of keeping with a simple muslin dress. Bo
we are told that lace and feathers were worn upon the
head, to match the lace and ribbons that were lavished
on the feet, and we further are informed that
But no : in mercy we forbear to finish the account.
What costly furbelows and flounces, what prodigious
pulls and paniers, what amazing silks and satins, and
what innumerable flowers, feathers, fringes, filagree,
and flummery, were further spent in the adornment of
this fashionable Venus, we leave to timid bachelors in
their innocence to guess. Wary husbands will not thank
us for further revelation of the wonders of the fashion
books, which, being perused by feminine intelligence,
may lead to imitation rather than disgust.
Foreign Finance.
THE Committee of the French National Assembly on
the Customs' Tariffs, though it has agreed with M. Tu i KUH
to impose duties on "skins, wool, oil, and oleaginous
seeds," is, we are told by telegram, still advene to
taxation of textile fabrics, with or without drawback.
As a case of textile fabric with drawback, MR. PILOAB-
LICK instances a blister plaster spread upon linen, to be
applied between the shoulders.
EhP our Well-informed One?
AT Nice, the PBINCE OF WALKS went to the French
Theatre, where the Orchestra saluted his Royal High-
ness with God Save the Queen, whilst, says a Newspaper
Correspondent, "the audience, amongst whom were
many British subjects, gave the Koyal Party a warm
ovation." What, pelted them with omelettei ?
FROM CAPTAIN DYNGWELL.
(Our Own but Long Lost Cockalorum.)
DEAR PUNCH, —
Mr Old Cockalorum, how goei it ! Have you cast your eye
over an awful tip, which is a warning by a Milingtary Cove, that
the Easter Volunteers had better try no " Dangerous Manoeuvres."
Not likely, says yours truly. But did you think it was me round
the corner ? Eh, my young Cassowary ? Not me, GEORGE 1 Per-
haps, I don't mean bustling 'em a bit, 0, no, not at all. I 've just
knocked off a little poem on " A dangerous manoeuvre," which
you can chaunt. It goes to something like the tune of Nae Luck
about the House, with second part out, and admits of any number of
notes being put in when you want "em, and a tol de rol coal-box to
finish up with. Do it, and you '11 be quite the Mario.
Yours ever, j)t
If you know; a man what keeps a van,
As a furniture remover,
To break his head with a warming-pan,
Is a "Danjrerous Mana'uvre,"
Tol de rol.
If you 're a walking with another fellar,
All about the Louvre,
To smash the pictures with your umberella,
Is a " Dangerous Manoeuvre."
Tol de rol.
If your ladv-love, you chance to meet,
And think you can improve her,
By standing on your head in the middle of the street,
It '» a "Dangerous Manoeuvre."
Tol de rol.
If you want to swagger and would act,
In Adrienne Lecouvre,
To walk in on stilts with your face all blacked,
Is a " Dangerous Manoeuvre."
Tol de rol.
If you are walking in the Zoo,
And looking at the Puva,*
To go in the cage, and say how d 'ye do,
Is a " Dangerous Manoeuvre."
Tol de rol.
No more at present. D.
"Milk Below!"
A BILL to prevent the Adulteration of Food (really almost as
necessary as the Ballot) is at the present time before the House of
Commons. _ In Committee it will be proposed to allow milkmen to
sell the white fluid with which they supply their customers mingled,
as now, with water, on condition that they make it clear to the
public, by an inscription painted over their shops and on their carts,
cans, and pails, in large and legible characters, that they are
Milkandwatermen.
* Some animal — know him well. D.
VOL.
140
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 6, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, March 25. — What occurred in the House of
Lords ? Didn't we tell yon last week that the Lords
meant to rise, and that you would have no Essence of
Senate ? Did we not tell you not to faint at finding none ? If yon
feel inclined to such weakness, hold a bottle of Ess. Bouquet to your
nose, and you will find that delicious perfume, which was chris-
tened, after Mr. Punch's Essence, a pleasing substitute for it, once
in a way. And yet the Lords did meet for a few minutes, and
heard the Royal Assent given to some Bills, especially the Con-
solidated Fund Bill, regarding £5,411,099 3s. 3d. "The three-
penny-bit be demd," said MR. MANTALINI.
MB. LOWE said that the Wellington Monument in St. Paul's had
parsed out of his hands. He believed that it would be completed
within the contracted time. It occurs to Mr. Punch that the time
has been anything but contracted. Of the Great Duke it was said,
in Sanskrit, on September 14, 1852, Paralokam gato, that is, abiit
ad plures. That is nearly twenty years ago, yet hitherto the
progress of his monument " has been rather architectural than
sculptural." To be sure, no man's Fame can better afford to j
wait beside her pedestal.
A very long question and a longer answer about a most trumpery
case of search for liquor in the house of one GOODEBED, in the Hay-
market, on which case MB. A. A. KNOX gave, as usual with him, a
rational decision, were allowed to delay the House. MB. OSBOBNE
hinted at the small character of the topic, and the SPEAKER " was
bound to say that the Home Office descended to very minute par-
ticulars."
In answer to a question about Life-Boats, the highly satisfactory
answer was given, that such things were not supplied to vessels
except on demand of the Captains. The Ariadne, a name now con-
nected with as sad a casualty as ever happened to a group of brave
young officers and men, had no Life-Boat, nor had she either of the
contrivances by which boats can be instantaneously and safely
lowered.
MB. GLADSTONE said that the Parks Bill should be pushed on, and
that he could recognise in the demonstrations against it no reason
to the rest of the Budget, and the House of Commons made none
worth noting.
MB. LOWE said that he was " really shocked by the letters he
received from persons in the position of gentlemen, begging time to
Say the tax-money on which they did not know how to lay their
ands." We dare say. He is not naturally unamiable. But does
he think that those letters represent one-hundredth part of the
misery caused by unfair taxation V
" Had we a hundred mouths, a hundred tongues,
And throats of brass, inspired by iron lungs,
We could not half its odious crimes repeat,
Nor half the punishments it ought to meet."
With which Virgilian — that is. Drydenian citation — we dismiss our
friend (not without some plaudit) to the contemplation of one of the
most remarkable Cartoons ever executed.
The Elections Bill went into Committee, and the clause which
knocks Public Nominations on the head (the words are singularly
happy, considering the proceedings at such nominations) was agreed
to, after some struggle for postponement.
We also considered Oysters and Mussels. The first are horribly
dear, and the second are, always were, and ever will be, horribly
nasty.
Tuesday.— The Dmid CABDWELL said that he was deliberating
whether cavalry should be employed at the Brighton Review. The
DUKE OF CAMBBIDOE calls this force the eyes and ears of a real
army, and it seems absurd that an imitation army should be blind
and deaf. By the way, it is in excellent keeping with Druidical
tradition for the Autumn Manoeuvres to take place on Salisbury
Plain. We presume that the principal encounter will be called the
Battle of Stonehenge.
MB. MACFIE and friends in the North are desperately afraid lest a
hostile fleet should attack Leith and Edinburgh, and they have been
frightening themselves by reading about PAUL JONES and what he
was going to do in 1779. We rather forget what this was, but have
a strong recollection of seeing in childhood (about the year just
mentioned) a flaming coloured picture in the shop windows. " PAUL
JONES shooting the Lieutenant who dared to strike the bloody flag."
In fact, for many years we always ran home screaming when we
saw it, and we can sympathise with MB. MACFIE. The Druid ably
answered that PAUL JONES lived a long time ago. However, he said
that the defence of Edinburgh should not be forgotten.
Finally, MB. FAWCETT gained a victory, and deserved it. For it
was thought that his Dublin University Tests Bill was shelved for
the Session. He cleverly manoeuvred it into a place again, and
carried the Second Reading by 94 to 21.
Finally, and lastly, as the old preachers used to say, we rose for
Easter, and hoped that the Sun would do the same thing (though
not likely) even if he did not dance, as SIB JOHN SUCKLING reminds
us that Sol does on that anniversary —
" Her feet beneath her petticoat
Like little mice stole in and out,
As if they feared the light ;
But 0, she dances such a way,
No Sun upon an Easter-Day
Is half so fine a sight."
We should have been much obliged to hear if he had been able
to spare enough time from his other luminous engagements, to give
~iP~ ~i the poor holiday people a dance out of doors on Good Friday. It
M Tn£n Furt?ler'he refused to see a deputation of its ene- ^ hott * ^ of ^ ^ thermometer register, and
mies. They are growing very savage, but truculency will probably . rather more ^^j^ tha* ^ Boat Race day. But we believe
that the fault is with the foolish persons (as silly as those who
fought for Old Style), who will not let Easter be fixed properly,
instead of tying it on to some moon or other.
fly from truncheons, should the ultima ratio legum be needed.
Then did ROBEBT LOWE, Esquire, Chancellor of Exchequer,
produce his
1. He had a Surplus of more than £3,500,000. How he obtained
it will be in the remembrance of Mil. and Mus. J. BULL.
2.
now JOHN O'GBOAT.
3. Income-tax payers under £200 were exempted to the extent
of £60. This is extended to payers under £300, and the
exemption is £80.
4. Half the Coffee duty comes off.
5. Half the Chicory duty comes off. The Grocer's duty, not to
adulterate, is of course unrecognised.
C. House-tax to be modified, so as to relieve shops and offices.
Such is the Budget of 1872. " Not once or twice in our famed '
island story" has Mr. Punch felt inclined, like Master Slender, to 1
say "Mum" to a Chancellor's "Budget;" and on the present
occasion it need only be said that our friend MB. JEKEMY DIDDLOWE
pays us back the two-pence he owed us, and we hope he does not
mean to borrow again in a hurry. We have no objections to make j
Natural Hesitation.
(By An Ulster True Uliif.)
GIVE Trinity College to 'CAKDINAL CULLEN !
Dumbfoundered sits WHALLEY— and NEWDEGATE sullen!
And as for the person whose measure would cause it,
No wonder, if speaking, " vox hcesibus Fausit."
Combining for an Advance.
THERE is a saying which, though of sacred origin, is of such trite
usage as to save any reference to it from profanity, viz., " The
labourer is worthy of his hire," which some people quote mistakenly
"The labourer is worthy of his wage," confounding it with the
popular saying " A fair day's wage for a fair day's work." Our
rural population seem inclined to blend both readings together, and
to set up as a principle, that the " labourer is worthy of his higher
wage."
APRIL 6, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
141
A RECENT
ANNIVERSARY-
nr, it
was kept
everywhere all over
the world, in all
latitudes and longi-
tudes, and by every
nation, race, creed,
colour, clime,
class, tongue, tem-
perament, and tem-
perature. Great
kingdoms and em-
pires celebrated it ;
small country
towns and rural pa-
rishes observed it.
Ministers of
State, maids of all
work, city mag-
nates, country
bumpkins, rich
merchants, poor
hucksters, senates
and servants' halls,
colleges and cote-
ries, thrones and
taprooms, people
who wore their own
hair but dyed it,
people who wore
other people's hair
and paid for it, nations which added to their national debt, dandies
who increased their tailors' bills, the young, the old, and the middle-
aged, the rich, the poor, and the moderately comfortable, the blondes
and the brunettes— all were faithful to the traditions handed down
to them from their forefathers, and showed by their actions that
they were not unmindful of the obligations of that great festival
kept from time immemorial by the human race — All Fools' Day.
Mr. Punch's special correspondents have forwarded him sur-
prising accounts of what took place on the first of April in every
part of the globe, duly attested by Her Britannic Majesty's Ambas-
sadors, Charges d'affaires, and Consuls, but so much of interest hap-
pened at home, that he can only touch on occurrences within the
four seas.
Parties were formed to inspect the progress of the new Law
Courts and Natural History Museum, and to view the improvements
in the centre of Leicester Square.
MB. ROBERT SPIVITT, with a wife, five children, and a salary of
£230 per annum, increasing ten pounds a-year, became security for
his brother-in-law, a gentleman who attends races.
A purchaser (name and previous history unknown) was found for
a novel in three volumes at a guinea and a half.
MH. JOSEPH ASDREWS ADAMS paid a call on his shares in the
Bubbleton and Swindleby Railway.
Old LiTTYGATE instructed his lawyer to commence an action to
establish his right to some ancient lights.
MRS. WtDMEBPOOL laid in a stock of LOBBISON'S celebrated
Lumbagof uge, on the faith of a printed testimonial from a retired
timber merchant in North Wales, who had found instantaneous
relief, after sixteen years' constant suffering, from using a single
bottle.
Young DE GOSLING gave fees to the attendants at a theatre where
they were positively prohibited.
Miss MAIDA DAILAWAY, having just recovered from a severe cold,
went to MBS. GOLDIB DYVES'S ball in a dress of thin material, and
open construction, and cooled herself repeatedly during the evening
in airy halls and corridors. ~
SILLIMAN bought some wonderfully cheap Amontillado, a remark-
able bargain— for the vendor.
Several very young men (Members of the House of Commons)
spent a considerable portion of the day in perfecting themselves in
the imitation of the crowing of cocks, the bleating of sheep, the
braying of donkeys, &c.
A visitor from the country, an elderly man in old-fashioned garb,
went to Covent Garden and Drury Lane, expecting to see SHAKS-
PEARE enacted at one or other of these great national theatres. Dis-
appointed, he refreshed himself with oysters, and was surprised at
the bill.
The Annual Report of the Metropolitan and Provincial Prawn and
Periwinkle Delivery Company was issued to the Proprietary. It
entered into an elaborate account of the prospects of the under-
taking, and held out a hope that, if the Company did not avail itself
of the Winding-up Act, the shareholders at no very distant day
might receive a dividend on their investments. A further call was
announced.
A report was prevalent that the great Livery Companies had
undertaken to complete the decoration of St. Paul's.
MR. FREDERICK SAWDER SUDDKRBY speculated in soft soap, of
which he knew nothing, and lost.
Young LORD DHOPSHINEBS backed Shuttlecock (a dark horse)
heavily for the approaching Derby.
Miss LUCTNDA ROUGEMOORE (age 48, income £2,500, payments
ready money) accepted the HOK. PARLBY PAUNCETORT (age 29,
income £250, liabilities extensive).
MARY DISHLEY gave her mistress warning : no fault to find with
her place, but wanted a change.
HUSBANDS AND HEARTS.
DURWO the last twenty years, says the liritith Medical Journal,
speaking of death from heart-disease as greatly on the increase —
" There U no change in the ptr-tentage of deaths fmm thi< caust in male*
under twenty-five years of age. Between twenty and forty-five years of age
it haa risen from -&53 to -709, and that almott exclusively in malei, for there
is almott no increase in the per-oentage of females dying from heart-disease
during the twenty-live years of life from twenty-one to forty-fire."
To the foregoing statement our medical compatriot and contempo-
rary subjoins the following observation : —
" These fi| ures convey their own tenon, and warn ui to take a little care
not to kill ounelves for tne means of living."
Yes, certainly. We must take eyery care not to kill omrselves by
incurring heart-disease. One principal cause of heart-di«ease is ex-
cessive muscular exertion ; we must avoid that. Another, and a
more common one, is anxious effort, especially the effort to keep the
wolf from the door, as the saying U, and pull the devil by the tail.
No wonder that the deaths from heart-disease have much increased of
late years between the ages of twenty and forty-five, but not at all
under twenty-five, and that the increase between maturity and
middle age has been nearly confined to men. That period is the
period of a man's struggle to maintain a wife and family ; and wives
and families are much more expensive than they used to be. If the
British Medical Journal will further investigate heart-disease, it
will probably find that the increase thereof has coincided with the
increase of tne expensiveness of feminine dress and ornamentation.
Moral.— Let no man marry unless he is liable for a very heavy
Income-tax, and certain to be liable for it all his life. A husband
is the partner of his wife's joys and sorrows. If she cannot follow
the fashions, and enjoyiherself to her heart's content, she has only
sorrows to share with him ; whereas, not being rich, he has more
than enough of his own- Though her sorrows may not absolutely
break his heart, yet they tend to disorganise it, the rather when they
vent themselves not only in a discontented demeanour, but also by
positive " nagging." ;If, then, men would not contract heart-disease,
they should not contract matrimony unless they can well afford it.
They ought not to rush to the Hymeneal altar, or the Registrar's
Office, and marry on the strength of a rise in the price of bread, as,
according to statistics, is the manner of the People.
The almost total exemption of females between a marriageable
age and a certain age from heart-disease, is perhaps to be accounted
for by the freedom of the confiding heart of woman from anxiety so
long as she has a husband to confide in.
THE DIGNITY OF PLAY.
IN a serious leading article on a recent foot-ball match, a contem-
porary described that particular match as constituting the Blue
Riband of Foot-ball. Play is looking up. We shafl soon hear
talk of the Blue Riband of PrisonerVbars, the Blue Riband of
Stag-out, the Blue Riband of Rounders, the Blue Riband of Hooker,
the Blue Riband of Leapfrog, and the Blue Riband of Hopscotch.
Even marbles (which we hear have again become fashionable among
young gentlemen) will perhaps have more than one Blue Riband,
and newspapers will contain glorifications of the Blue Ribands of
Shoot-ring and Lob-out, and the Blue Riband of Gobblehole.
Following Suit.
To the Alabama claims it seems that we have a counter case to be
submitted to Arbitration at Geneva. Suppose we ask, not only direct,
but also consequential damages for the Cotton Famine, and leave
the Arbitrators to decide whether our own demands or those of the
Yankees are the more preposterous ?
142
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APBIL 6, 1872.
JUSTLY GRATEFUL;
"/SN'T AUNTY KIND, MAMMA? SHE'S LET ME BLOW MY OWN NOSE MYSELF!"
BOS LOCUTUS EST.
THE LABOURERS' STRIKE.
" Aw ox SPOKE " — so the record in Roman annals ran,
Whene'er a year more big than wont with great events began.
And is not an ox speaking now, when the call to strike goes round
Our diggers and our delvers, and our tillers of the ground ?
Balaam wondered when his ass, so patient, strong and slow,
Found speech to bid his master hold his hand and spare his blow :
And not less worthy wonder our adscripti gleba, wrung
By bitter pinch of poverty, at last, to giving tongue.
Untaught, ill-fed, thin-blooded, thick-witted, heavy-heeled,
Whose words drip slow and scanty, as from thought's fount half-
congealed,
Turners and treaders of the clay, till the clay seems to have ta'en
Possession in joint-tenancy of body, heart, and brain,
Till scarce one gleam of thought, you 'd say, or spark of manly fire
Beyond the clods he works in bade the human clod aspire ;
Till the team that he has groomed and driv'n. the kine that he has fed,
Seem by his side but brethren, better housed and fuller fed.
E pur si muore : even this mass inert the will commands
To draw to centres its slow strength, and knit its clumsy hands ;
And magistrates and guardians and farmers stand aghast,
At the breath of life that, sudden, o'er these dry bones has past.
" Let town workmen strike, and welcome : better fed than taught
are they,
Have a margin to fall back on : reserve for rainy day
But that these, who have no butter, should quarrel with their bread,
These clods, of whom 'tis hard to say, if they 're worse taught or
led."—-
That these serfs should cast the collar, what they'll work for
dare to say —
Villeins in gross, turn villeins regardant their week's pay •
Heresy and sedition ! Treason — Socialism — What, ho !
Man the engines ! Swear the constables ! The globe is on the go ! "
If the upper-ten stand startled, 'mong the tens of tens beneath,
What sharp thoughts must be fretting in many a clayey sheath !
Starvation aye at arm's length ; shop-bills and nought to pay !
Pale wives and hungry young ones— and the bread-winners at play !
Well may they wait and waver, and doubt and doubt again,
If the way to better wages by the strike's road be so plain ;
Hard not to wish these kickers well, who have such cause to kick,
Yet hard to counsel kicking, against points so keen to prick !
Are wages small ? What profit has the farmer for his pains ?
Are rentals high ? What figure represents the landlord's gains ?
" Nay : landlords' rents can spare their pound, and farmers' gains
their crown,
But labourers' earnings must go up— they've no room to come
down."
So says HODGE, as half afraid, half amazed at his own pluck,
He insists on living wages, and learns that he has struck :
And Capital that long for equal foe Town-Labour owns,
Finds Country-Labour up in arms, and o'er the alliance groans.
And all that pray for the blest hour when this ill war shall end,
And Capital and Labour each the other hail as friend,
Feel hopeful, now the struggle has ta'en up this larger ground,
That the way to reconcilement may more easily be found !
A New Benefactor.
THE height of stinginess might be said to be exemplified in the
parsimony of a person who would grudge a steam-engine its fuel. It
is not, therefore, the less certain that the man who should make one
pound of coal generate the quantity of steam which two pounds had
to be consumed in generating before, would be considered a bene-
factor of mankind.
Air AGEICTTLTTJEAL STRIKE.— A Strike of Wheat.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— APRIL 6, 1872.
JEREMY DIDDLOWE."
MR. Buix. "YES, JEREMY, YOU CERTAINLY OWED ME THE TWOPENCE; BUT I HARDLY LIKE TAKING
IT IT LOOKS SO UNCOMMONLY LIKE YOUR BORROWING FOURPENCE NEXT TIME!"
Amir, 6, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
145
MUSIC AND MUSCLE.
DEAR MB. PUNCH,
I WOXDEB why it
is you men call ours the
weaker sex. The weaker
sex, indeed! I wonder who
<* y°urs
wear and tear and worry
we young ladies have to
go through. Just look at
us, for instance, in the
middle of the season. See
how we have to dress, and
dine, and dance till day-
light :doth appear, and
then get up again to dress,
and ride, and drive, and
" drum, and dress, and
dine, and dance till day-
light doth again appear!
And this not once in a
way, hut day by day and
every day, excepting only
Sunday, from May-day till
the dog-days. The weaker
sex, indeed.' one had really
need to be a Samsonesa to
stand it.
Besides. yon know,
young ladies always have
to practise the piano, and
have you the least notion
what prodigies of strength are demanded for that exercise? I
confess, myself, I had not, until I read in the Pall Mail that at a
concert lately PBOFESSOR SCHMIDT had counted up the notes (just
fancy what a bother!) in a piece that he heard played, and had
tested the force requisite to press the keys in playing it, and that he
then sat down and made this dreadful calculation :—
" The force exerted by the pianiste in playing the piece of 62,990 notes he
calculated to amount to nearly ninety-four hundredweight and a-half."
I can't do sums a bit, but I dare say the Professor can, and I'm
very uteft
so powerful, ______ . .
is strong enough to hold a man for life, if he will only put a ring on
it. But the idea of my ten fingers having actually the force of
more than ninety hundredweight ! Really, girls who play pianos
must be as strong as steam-engines. Music ought to be regarded as
an athletic exercise, fit for only people of the strongest constitutions.
To play a composition of some sixty thousand notes, a girl must
have a hand of nearly five ton power ! No light matter this for her
future husband to take into reflection : and I should recommend
you gentlemen to bear the fact in mind, when you talk about the
weaker sex, as you are fond of doing. It is the fashion to accuse
women of having a strong mind, but it is well that you should know
that they have strong muscles also.
As you have the happiness to be a married man, you possibly ere
now may have ascertained this fact : and so, with my best compli-
ments to Mrs. and Miss Punch,
Believe me, yours most truly,
SOPHONISBA SMITH:.
Camellia Cottage, Tuesday.
VERBUM SAP.
THE young gentlemen from Cam's side who travelled up to London
to witness the aquatic triumph of their fellow-students from Thames'
bank, and after emerging from the crowd with which they had per-
force to come into uncomfortably close quarters, found themselves
minus a watch, a portemonnaie, a stock pin, or other portable pro-
perty, would have done well to remember, ere they thus exposed
themselves, JUVENAL'S reminder apropos of contented poverty, giving
it this triflingly altered reading : — " Cantab-it vacuua coram latrone
I'iator."
SIMON LE SIMPLE.
BRAVO, M. JULES SIMON ! You would have the five chief Theatres
of Paris supported by Government principally "for the influence
they exercise over the artistic taste of all Europe." Truly all
Europe ought to feel itself highly honoured by the compliment you
are so good as to pay it in so saying. As to England, we know that
the multitude of the pieces which our dramatic authors have taken
from the French is exceeded by their merit, and that for the
matter of artistic taste, all those who have any among the British
Public prefer that kind of pieces infinitely to SHAKSPEARB. As
to music. Monsieur, you are really too modest in propounding a
criticism so very sparing in glorification of your country (supreme
in that art as well as every other) as this : —
" For the genius of Italy itself bows to the geniu« of France, and the
music of KOSSINI, VKHDI, mid MKVKKHKK* never reached its maturity till
they obeyed the influence of Parisian audiences."
This, to talk in musical language about music, is really,
Monsieur, singing comparatively very small. What is the
musical genius of Italy to the musical jrenius of Germany?
Unhappily HANDEI,, HAYDN, MOZART, BIETHOVEN, and WXEBB
failed to develop their style by going to live in Paris, and, in
the production of their masterpieces, obeying the influence of
Parisian audiences. But, if they had only done that, what much
higher degrees of spirituality, grandeur, and beauty they would
have attained to in their wonderful yet still imperfect compositions .
What an improvement we should have had on the Messiah, and the
Israel in Egypt, in the Seasons and the Creation^ in the Figaro, the
Don Juan, the ZuuberJlStt, the J!eqmem ; also m the Fidelia, the
Pastoral Symphmt;/, the Ilemif ditto, and the Mass in D. SEBAS-
TIAN BACH should have sojourned some years in Paris, learning to
obey the influences of Parisian audiences, and then we should have
heard a considerably more solemn and pathetic specimen of Passivns-
mitsik than what we have been lately listening to. " Suoni la tromba
inti-epida" (was not that composed for the Theatre Italien?) blew
away, only a little louder, and more courageously, if you please,
good Monsieur.
A TRAVELLERS' STRIKE.
THE French Government has re-established the old passport
system of France in all its stringency. The animal of the canine
species has returned to the rejected substance, and the porcine
pachyderm to volutation in lutnlent matter. This, however, is not a
sudden stroke of suspicious impolicy. In July, 1871, they had
agreed to accept, in lieu of a passport and visa for the convenience
j of British subjects intending to land in France for a few hours, a
simpler and less troublesome " laisser-passer." Nemo repente fuit
stultissimus. But now the LORD MAYOR has been informed by the
i British Consul at Calais that these " laisser-passer " will not be
! accepted in future, " but that every penwn now landing in France,
for however short a time, must be furnished with a passport duly
vittd by a French Consul in England." This regulation would
perhaps be revoked if it were found to have the effect of preventing
British money from being spent in France ; an effect wnich would
very soon be produced by a general strike, against that country,
of British travellers. Nobody now, unless on business absolutely
necessary, should go to France, as long as tke reimposition of the
passport plague continues. Countrymen, therefore, all you who
can, and do not want to go abroad elsewhere than across the
Channel, for the present stay in your own country. " Britons,
strike home ! " __
ALLEVIATION OF MOURNING.
PERSONS about to depart this life in narrow or moderate circum-
stances, and leave wives and families behind them, will derive some
solace from the following announcement : —
" The Kentish Oburvtr states that at a recent meeting of the clergy at a
Bishop's house, it was determined that for the future they would decline
to accept the scarves and hat-bands at funerals."
At the time when the State pounces down on the widowed and the
fatherless for Probate and Succession Duty, Society, by obliging
them to add excessive mourning to their sorrow conspires with the
Inland Revenue Office and the Undertaker to beggar those who are
bereaved of their bread-winner. Honour to the Kentish Clergy
who have resolved on ceasing to remain parties to that conspiracy.
Sad Deprivation.
THE Xation will learn with profound regret that one of its most
distinguished lawyers is not in the full possession of his senses. In
a recent debate in the House .of Commons SIR ROUNDELL PALMER
confessed " that he had no taste at all " !
Traitors.
A SOCIETY exists in London calling itself " The Union." We
confess to a little surprise at finding that a society bearing such a
name could have a discussion, and decide." that early marriages are
undesirable."
14(5
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL C, 1872.
PLEASANT SUGGESTION.
' I 'M NOT A BIT HUBT, PAPA, DKAB ! AND, I» YOU'LL JUST TAKE HOLD OF THAT HlND LEG, I SHALL GET BOUND HIM ! '
THE TWO THUNDERERS.
" Now, Mercury, what news from Earth below?"
Said Jupiter. Him answered Hermes, " 0
Kin? of the gods and men, these papers say
A Ship was launched at Pembroke last Moon's day,
A Ship of War, and, thy celestial right
How mortal men usurp ! the Thunderer hight ;
A Turret-ship, and she will carry guns,
No less than four, of five-and-thirty tons."
"Hey, what ! " exclaimed the Monarch of the Skies,
And, staring, wide as saucers oped his eyes ;
How many ? Thirty-five tons saidst thou, eh ?
I wonder what the bolts they hurl may weigh ;
Inat Thunderer's thunderbolts, for all this throne
And sceptre, must be monsters to my own.
.None such could'st thou forge, Vulcan, or I fling.
This is a most insufferable thing !
By Styx ! By Jove- myself that is— I swear,
There 's nought those British mortals will not dare '.
As tor balmoneus and his rumbling brass,
He only mocked my thunder— they surpass."
So said, he nodded ; his ambrosial locks
bhook out, and shaking gave Olympus shocks,
Which Ocean's breast in ripples threw afar—
He then for nectar called, and a cigar.
Seasonable Compliments.
THE POPE, when visited by our Heir Apparent, in the course of
the pleasant chat that then took place oetween these t^riva!
defenders of the Faith-one present, the other future-coZratu-
lated H.R.H. on the religious spirit of the English peoplT Punk
in turn, congratulates the Italians, who af ter all that Has been said
the
ALL PAY AND NO WOKE.
THE good old times seem not to be so remote as we have been in
the habit of regarding them— indeed, they may be said not yet to
have come to an end. Pickings and perquisites are still to be had
without much trouble or exertion, and imaginary services, or rather
services which have not even existed in intention, do not go unre-
warded.
A Treasury Minute has been issued regulating the future remu-
neration of the Law Officers of the Crown ; and it is comforting to those
ot us who are under the vulgar necessity of doing something for the
money we earn to find from it, that amongst other desirable reforms,
it has been resolved that " All complimentary briefs and payments
tor services not intended to be given shall be abolished." Lucky
lawyers, to have been paid for services which there was not even the
intention to render ! Unlucky people, out of whose pockets these
payments have come for a good many years past! A question
suggests itself— Are these the only "payments for services not
intended to be given " which called for abolition ? Are they the last
and worst of such venerable abuses ? This is an inquiry with which
bis CHABLES DILKE might fairly charge himself.
An Act of Authority.
THE Speranzo of Madrid, according to the Osservatore Romano,
according to the Post, says that His Holiness the POPE having been
requested by the DUCHESS OF MADRID to contribute to a lottery
which she is getting up for the benefit of the poor Carlists of Spain,
has sent a magnificent cameo. Now, then, who will say that lotteries
are_unmoral, and insult the belief of his Catholic fellow-subjects ?
A Bright Idea.
WHY should such a fuss be made'about " a free breakfast-table,"
as it the nrst meal were the only one that contributed to help ME
.OWE to a surplus? If it were so, then the French proverb might
be thus amended :— " Ce n'est que le premier re-pas qui coute."
APBIL 6, 1872]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAJIIVARL
147
ECCLESIASTICAL ATTITUDE.
A CAPITAL subject for a Pre-Raphaelite picture, or a
memorial-window in a "pro-cathedral," 13 suggested
by a telegram from Berlin, which follows : —
" The German Catholic Bishops will assemble in April to con-
cert a common attitude towards the Government."
It is well known that the German Catholic Bishops
have nearly all of them accepted the Dogma of Papal
Infallibility ; and, in so doing, many of them eaten
their own words. It is also known, to some perhaps by
whom it is denied, that the Dogma of Papal Infallibility
is a pretence first put forward in the Middle Ages.
Furthermore it is evident that the attitude which those
Bishops will assume towards the Government will, what-
soever one they adopt, be an attitude which will have
been determined by the promulgation of that Dogma.
The attitude, therefore, of the German Catholic Bishops,
pictqrially represented, should correspond to the
medievalism which it will signify, and be very stiff and
angular : the Bishops being delineated all more or less
wry-necked, standing on tip-toes, and holding their
crooks between the palms of their open hands, as Mr.
J'unch, in his street drama, wields his cudgel. Thus
they will be portrayed in a mediaeval attitude of menace
towards their Government, intended to frighten it.
THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN.
" WOMEN'S DISABILITIES REMOVAL BILL. — ME. JACOB
BRIGHT'S Bill proposes to enact that in all Acts relating to the
qualification and registration of voters in the election of Mem-
bers of Parliament, wherever words occur which ' import the
masculine gendtr,' the same shall be held to include females for
nil purposes connected with, and having reference to, the right
to be registered as voters." — Times.
"We give this without note or comment, except the
expression of a hope that at last the strong-minded
females will be satisfied. The Italics are ours, nobody
else's.
A Suggestion to Secretaries.
Do not ask a poor Curate to subscribe to Charities. It
is quite as much as he can afford to put down his sub-
scription to the Thirty-nine Articles.
ZOOLOGICAL.
Little Tommy Trout (who has never seen a Respirator before). " DOM THAT OLD
GENKLEM AN SITS, MAMMA I "
DECORATIONS IN DOUBT.
Ls FOLLST, which Le Punch studies with unrelenting avidity,
continues to be as instructive as usual ; only there is an ambiguity
in certain of its statements which makes them uncertain. In de-
scribing a " Dinner dress, of black faille, with long trained skirt,"
our elegant contemporary says of the flounce : —
" In front it is looped up to about half its width in two wide scallops by
three bunches of gold wheatears — one in the centre and one on each side of
the front breadth."
As to the tunic also : —
"It is edged all round with gild lace, slightly fulled at each side ; where
the back breadths are fulled to the front, is a handsome bunch and trailing
spray of wheateare and gold grass."
Lastly, as touching body and head-dress respectively, that they
are decorated with : —
" Bouquet of wheatears in front. Tiara of wheatears with black feather,
spangled with gold."
Wheatears ? What does Le Fiilkt mean by wheatears ? Not
necessarily ears of wheat. For there is also a bird named a Wheat-
ear (Sajricola cenanthe), and Le Fullet may he well enough sxipppsed
to mean that, now that ladies have taken to wear stuffed birds.
The context of "wheatears" in the foregoing quotations by no
means makes it clear that they are intended to be taken for cereal
and not passerine. What are we to make of " wheatears with
black feather " ? An image quite naturally suggested by " a bunch
of wheatears" is similar to that which we picture of a bunch of
larks. Some ornithologists class the Wheatear among the SylriadtF
or warblers ; and it is said to sing away finely, in custody, all the
year round. But the gift of song has not protected the rest of the
jTt-tty warbling choir from being hushed, and stuffed to embellish
chignons, or damsels' wigs. For aught, therefore, that appears to
the contrary, Le Fullet may really mean to tell us that the " Fash-
ions " do, in point of fact, include, amongst the ornaments of female
dress proper to the present time, stuffed specimens of the bird
common during part of the year on our South Downs, and called the
Wheatear — very good eating. This supposition is all the more likely
for that the Wheatear is a bird of passage, which visits these shores
early in the spring. Now the present spring is remarkably early.
LITTLE BETHEL AND LORD BYRON.
A LATELY published Life of LORD BTBON has revived the contro-
versy as to the Noble Poet's principles and opinions. It is too
commonly supposed that BYRON was a heathen. Childe Harold,
however, contains a passage which clearly proves him to have been
a mystic, a recluse in the bent of his inclination, and a Dissenter : —
" 0 that the Desert were my dwelling-place,
With one fair spirit for my Minister ! "
It thus appears that LOUD BYRON was a Nonconformist ; only,
instead of a STIGGINS or a CHADBAND to sit under, he wanted an
Angel.
Royalty at Rome.
THERE were, last week, at Rome, no less than a dozen Royal
Personages, including the EMPEROR and EMPRESS OP BRAZIL, the
QUEEN OF HOLLAND, and the KINO and QCEEX OF DENMARK, besides
the GRAND DUKE OF NASSAU, and many other " mediatised " Sove-
reigns of German States. In the Eternal City what a glut of Sove-
reigns! The POPE, however, would probably prefer one single
Sovereign, with several Triple-hatfuls of Peter's Pence.
Verily O \
THE prevalent supposition that Quakerism is on the decline,
appears to be disproved by the frequent obituary request that
Friends will please to accept this information."
148
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
6, 1872.
"NEVER MORE!"
SHB TTBKD TO COME EVERT DAY WITH HER AUNT ("THERE WAS NO DOUBT HE WAS A VERT CLEVER YOUNO MAN," THB OLD
LADY HAD SAID), AND ADMIRE BROWN'S SKETCH OF THE JETTY ; BUT ONE MORNING WHEN SHE SENT HER NEWFOUNDLAND DOG INTO
TBE SEA, AND HE SHOOK HIMSELF ALL OVER THB FINISHED DRAWING, OUR ARTIST MOMENTARILY FOKGOT HIMSELF, AND UTTERED
" STRANGE OATHS." THEY LEFT BY THAT AFTERNOON EXPRESS, AND HE SAW HER NO MORE.
ON AND OFF.
LOWE, Treasury-magician,
Exchequer statistician,
Most rare arithmetician !
Whose crisp, curt surname " BOB,"
Alike to swell and snob,
Suggests twelve-pence in one's fob !
Bright thy physog — and who 'd smudge it ?—
Great thy cackle — and who 'd grudge it ? —
When delivered of thy budget !
After twelvemonths ta'en to hatch tax—
Though last year produced a Match-Tax
(And that not a Colney-Hatch tax)—
Till, warned by Punch's show-np
And the universal blow-up,
You were glad that tax to throw up :
This year more happy, BOB LOWE,
Thank his surplus, escapes oblo-
'Quy, of stooping thus to rob low,
To saved pounds at last can screw pence :
And dock Income-tax the two-pence
Last year added to 't as new pence !
And asks BULL'S congratulation
For this alleviation
Of the burden of the nation !
But how can BULL be grateful
For a spoonful less in the plateful,
When the dish is so distasteful ?
Thank you Income-tax for making
More light, by four-pence taking.
Who last year were six-pence " faking " ?
For the two-pence off that 's gone.
We '11 be grateful, when you ve shown
By what right you put it on.
Till then Britons must say No,
When bid bow down to LOWE :
Meanwhile, their thanks they '11 OWE ;
And at compound interest leave 'em,
Till BOB LOWE— keen to receive 'em —
Of all Income-tax relieve 'em.
Should e'er that millennium come,
Who their gratitude shall sum ?
Till then— patient JOHN — be dumb !
Natural and Manly Response.
SIR,— Am sure that the Pityous apeal of the Pore fellow wich is
in Trubble in Newgate will be ansered jenerous by all Hatters of
tirany and opression Sir i rite to say if a i'rendly Leed could be got
up at the Monster tavern wich busses pass reglar and is most re-
spectible hotell only name most appy to His size or elsewhare no
abut oasts of Simpersi^ing gents and swells would atend and Chare-
man mout be faced by mr. bajant by inserting wieh and oblidge
Your obedt. servt.
EDWAKD NIMMEK.
"to\li£fiJS!*i!hh I"'1"' °,' *%£l£i£?!S!!Sl " '?? P*rUl1 °r 8t' '**"»• Olertenweu. In the Oonntr of Middle.™, >t the Printing Office, of Helm. Bradbury, Bruu. A Co., I»nH>»rd
«™>t, in u. PrKlnct of Vfhitefrur., In the OUT of London, tnd Pnoliinei I>T him M Ko.M, Fleet Street, In the F»ri«h of St. BrtiS, CStT of LonJon.-Snoio/T, April 6, 187J.
Amir. 13, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
149
A REMINISCENCE OF EASTER.
" *F T' SHEB ANYTHIXG SHTRORDINABY ABOUT ME, YER WON'T MISD — (AtC /}—
ITSH'OLIDAY TIME, TBR KI-OW."
EASTER MONDAY MANOEUVRES.
(HAWFINCH tings.)
EASTER \[ONDAT, unto Brighton
What for went ye out to zee ?
Volunteers' Review— sham- fightun' —
Too fur distant sight for me.
I, if 't'adn't ben no furder
Off nor Poachmouth, med ha' gone,
'Gainst invasion, robbery, murder,
Curons how our 'fence gits on.
Thee, I says, young man, that lamest
How to vight for native land,
In sham- fightun', as in arnest,
Always thee obey command.
Dwun't now, dwun't, on the contrairy,
Useless powder blaze away,
All the moor unnecessairy
When thee 'st got no foes to slay.
If they wun't obey their tasker,
Scoflards must at times break down ;
Make what some calls a fiasker
In your lingo up in Town.
There ! the mess warn't so distressun'
As 'tood be in reglar fight.
Next time they repates their lessnn,
Very like they 'fi do un right.
Wnst of all neglectun' order
Is not mindun' where to stop,
Breakun droo forbidden border,
Tramp-a-raavnn o'er a crop.
For they sham-fights no improvers
Of the land be, to be sure ;
Wuss than sarious war's manoovers,
Laves no copses for manoor.
Foreigners, if they attacked us,
Fellers as 'ood wish to beat,
Stands to rason they must practus ;
'Tis a prutty zight to zee 't.
Now. too, they 've britch-loaders, bolder
Folks can view 'un nor afore,
'Cause they can't shoot no beholder ;
Fire no ramrods off no more.
JURY REFORM.
THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL has promised to look to the amendment
of the law relative to Juries, which at present renders a man who is
away from home, and possibly gone abroad, liable, if summoned to
serve on a jury in his absence, and thereby prevented from attend-
ing, to be fined from ene to ten pounds. This liability is a remnant
of oppression imposed by absolute tyranny on the middle classes,
and never repealed because those classes have not been accustomed
to hold intimidation meetings in Hyde Park and Trafalgar Square.
For one thing in the reform of Jury Law, SIR ROBERT COLLIER
will doubtless propose a due extension of the obligation of serving
on Juries over other persons besides those now alone subject to it.
Among those persons it may be suggested that he should include
persons of the other sex. His best plan would be to make service
compulsory for spinsters, allowing married women the privilege of
being represented by their husbands: a husband, also, if summoned,
to be permitted to send his wife as a substitute.
There is no reason to suppose that twelve women in a box would,
whatever verdict they might return in any case, not acquit them-
selves at least as well as twelve men of corresponding average in
point of intelligence, or that if any number of women were em-
panelled on juries there would ensue any increase whatsoever in the
present per-centage of ridiculous decisions and failures of justice.
The rights which women quite reasonably demand of a Legislature
which has enfranchised almost every fool in the Kingdom out of a
madhouse or a gaol, they might obviously claim with additional
justice if at the same time they offered to undertake the correlative
duties. A deputation of ladies will perhaps wait on MB. GLADSTONE.
conjuring him, by his respect for the dignity of his own flesh ana
blood, and in order to their attainment of their due political rights,
to make his Attorney-General effectually provide for their subjec-
tion to the sweet yoke of service as jurywomen. It may then be
expected that, before next Michaelmas, the Jury Lists on the church
doors will include the name of every lady in the parish of full age,
under sixty ; that will be, probably, without exception.
FOLLIES OF THE FASHIONS.
COHM ON sense is the last thing we 'should expect to find in any
book of fashions. So we are not a hit surprised by the following
announcement : —
" Toilettes de promenade are now made to touch the ground, and at times
are even worn with a demie traine."
A pretty foot and ankle are by no means the least admirable parts
of female beauty, and we cannot but regret that dresses should be
made to render them invisible. Short skirts permitted feet and
ankles to be decorously seen, and, moreover, allowed ladies to walk
cleanly and in comfort. Dresses made to touch the ground, and
even trail upon it, will not merely conceal what is delightful to
behold, but will draggle in the dirt, and be a little unseemly.
Whene'er they take their walks abroad, ladies will perform the work
of crossing-sweepers ; and when they reach their homes will need,
ere they go in, to clean their skirts upon their door-scrapers.
President Pussy.
THTKRS on Rome Priest-Rule, would, if he could,
Refix ; meanwhile holds France from domineering,
Letting " I dare not " wait upon " I would,"
" Like the poor cat i' the adage," fain, but fearing.
Mordecai.
AT the Pomona Gardens' demonstration, Bacup enjoyed the proud
distinction of exhibiting the most attractive banner. The portrait
of MR. DISRAELI which adorned it was made more memorable by this
inscription " The man whom we delight to honour"— an appropriate
motto, hut one which might have been improved by the alteration
of one word, causing the legend to read, " The man whom we
delight to Backup."
VOL. LIII.
150
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Api.li, 13, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
THURSDAY, April 4. —
Her Majesty's faith-
ful Commons met
again, that is a few
of them met, after
their short holiday.
MB. RYLANDS did not want to talk about the National Debt then
He was for retrenchment. Tis a good word, immediately French
but possibly from the Spanish atrtncheramisnto, also a very gooc
word, better than Mesopotamia.
The CUANCELLOB op THE EXCHEQUER began by announcing; tha
he should not take off the half-duty on Coffee until the First of May,
This delay is to please the trade. Not in the interest of the public,
" 0 no, MK. JEUEHY," as MBS. BLAND used to sing at Vauxhall, in
our younger days. He then said that the observations about pay-
Purhaps they were ing off the Debt commanded his cordial esteem, but practically th_
depressed by return- | operation was impossible. As for reducing expenditure, the proposal
ing to work. Any- I was an abstract one, and that was not the way to do things,
thing more dull than j Economy was a matter of detail. He had been abused as much as
their first evening
could hardly be. But
let us see whether the
magic touch of genius
can vivify an inert
mass. Though 'tis a
parlous experiment,
shepherds, for what
says MILTON ?
"No falsehood can en-
dure
Touch of celestial tem-
per.'
(Remember that, dear
Madam, when He
comes home and hum-
bugs about having
been detained by bu-
siness. Smile sweetly,
and after a time he
will get so cross you
can't think,
you '11 know
Then
what
sort of "business" it
was.)
After some unpro-
fitable talk, the dis-
cussion of the Budget
was resumed. MB.
VERNON HABCOUET
proposed we should
vote that the Na-
tional Expenditure ought to be reduced, in order that Taxation
might also hide a diminished head. He made several very good
points, and quoted, effectively, several dicta of distinguished men.
But, cutbono f We must keep up appearances. What happens in
private life happens in public. SIB BALAAM was small, and had
?•? yT0nj, ,fh 2n the week-day, but " an added pudding solemnised
the Lord's." SIB BALAAM grew great, and
" Lire like yourself, was soon my Lady's word,
And lo ! two puddings smoked upon the board."
Lady Britannia has long insisted on MR. J. BULL'S having Two
• ne can now demand (which he often does in vain)
-__ shall be in their "eating handsome," as MB. PEPIS
would say.
MR. RICHARD, of course, was strong for stinginess. Perhaps he is
a descendant of the famous Poor RICHABD. But as he is a pro-
fessional Peacemonger, much as we respect him, we can no more
argue with him than we could play at draughts with him if he kept
11 his men on the blacks and we ours on the whites. Perhaps, how-
ever, he would not play at draughts, as it is a kind of fighting, and
worse, of nghting for crowns. We must pray, with Falstaff,
.Evans defend us from this Welsh Fairy, lest he transform us to a
piece of cheese ;" ». e., to a meal for foreign Rats.
SIB. JOHN LUBBOCK spoke wisely, as usual. No doubt, there had
>een reduction of taxation, to please the House, but it might not be
™J: t6 T ° the country. The poverty of the country, like the
poverty of an individual, depended much more on character than
ncome or taxation. Do not fidget over temporary shifts, but do
™ ™J g ^"^ reducing the National Debt. A word, S!R JOHN
Your respected name, says the Patronymic a, is possibly
mutt mortals (we are glad that he admitted his being a mortal, as
we are saved the trouble of writing him a letter with that informa-
tion), but nobody had ever called him extravagant. Then, he said,
fairly enough, that as regards the attitude of England, she means
to hold the good things she has, and also to hold, towards other
nations, such a face as will keep them civil. Incidentally he quoted
the clever remark, that a Paternal Government means a Childish
people. Clever, dear J. D., but childish and child-like are two
things, and Gushing Governments get into a roaring rage if con-
fidence, of the second sort, be not extended to them. Then, if they
don't behave " paternally," they ought to be wopp»d— we forget
whether there's a word that jingles to the quadrisyllable. He
opposed MB. HAHCOUBT'S resolution, adding, " Our business is to do
our business, and leave you (the Commons) to do yours."
ME. FIKLDEN reminded the House that MB. GLADSTONE, when
stumping Lancashire in 1868, had dwelt emphatically on the extra-
vagance of his opponents, and by implication, on the economy of
himself and his friends. Yes, those were days of excellent good
Lion-roaring, but this week another Lion hath been roaring in the
same region.
MB. J. B. SMITH remarked on the courage with which the
Americans had grappled with the reduction question. They had
saved in interest eight millions in six years. He advised MB. LOWE
to screw up his courage to the work. He will not. His tool-chest
lacks but one screw-driver, but that happens to be the one wanting
for the purpose indicated.
On division, MB. HAHCOURT had 35 votes and the Government 78,
so the Income-Tax resolutions were voted, as were the tea and coffee
arrangements. Now, British grocer, how much dearer do you mean
to make the articles, in consequence of the reduction of duty ? Be
gentle, or we may take to claret at breakfast— and not your claret,
by any manner of means, but real wine, such as is called Clary in the
naughty old comedies.
A debate on a Bill for a certain treatment of Chancery Funds (we
need hardly say that it has nothing to do with handing them to the
rightful owners) and ME. HENLEY said that the habit of Grabbing
other people's money was catching. The grabbers, however, led by
MR. BAXTEB, triumphed by 89 to 37.
Then we had final diseusion of the Parks Bill in Committee, and
a beautiful Ayrtonianism was let off. Speaking of a certain clause,
the JEdile said, that it was perfectly matter of indifference to him,
for he had not prepared it. However, he defended the measure very
sensibly,_ and said that if it passed he should assuredly enforce it
h f;1, r - - but did not see how- in
he face of the strong feeling (which Mr. Punch had caused to be)
nanirested all over the country, Ministers could help taking off that
1 wo-Pence from the Income-Tax. No, dear Sir, nor do we. Excuse
he facetiousness, but the more we have looked at that tax
" The Fowler grew its goblin hue."
lution. The Bill passed through this stage, and poor MB.
HEBBEBT, who wanted to hinder it, actually could not find a
supporter.
What in low fighting slang is called a smeller
To ACBEE.ON HEKKERT (on the Parks Bill) fell :
The young man could not find a second Teller —
Hard, as he thinks himself a second TELL.
Friday.— MR. GOSCHEN promised to reconsider the question
whether it shall be left to the Captain of a ship to have a boat-
lowering apparatus or not. The making this voluntary is an implied
recognition of a gallant officer's good sense, as it supposes that he
would certainly demand whatever is good for Ms ship, but we can't
afford to pay compliments when lives may be lost by a crotchet.
MB. NEWDEGATE demanded explanations as to what had passed
between the POPE and the PRINCE OF WALES, in Rome. MB. GLAD-
STONE replied that His Holiness had been very kind and courteous,
and that his observations on the religiuus character of the English
people were not at all calculated to destroy our Protestant institu-
tions. But MB. NEWDEGATE had not then heard that the POPE had
said to the PRINCESS OF WALES, " Get thee to a Nunnery ;" that is,
had given H.R.H. leave to visit any convent she might desire to
inspect, a favour rarely accorded. If His Holiness's gentlemanly
good-nature do not produce another question from MB. NEWDEGATE,
we shall take an early opportunity of despairing of the religion of
these realms.
But all our time was not lost, for we read a Second Time the
Sanitary Bill.
Manchester is not Parliament, but statesmen's utterances are Par-
liamentary history, and it shall be set down here that there has
APRIL 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
151
been a Monster Conservative Demonstration in Lancashire. MB.
IIISIIAKI.I 1 1 us been received there with unbounded enthusiasm, and
he has delivered, in the Free Trade Hall itself, a long and brilliant
oration, in which he clearly proved that tho British Constitution was
a " sweet boon," that all who would destroy it are venomous cusses,
and that the Conservatives are not yet ready to go in for a tight for
office. He likened tho Ministers to a row of Extinct Volcanoes.
The PKKMIKK'S probable sentiments on the oration are illustrated
in Mr. Punch's Cartoon.
AT LAST !
THE moment has arrived !
Let us say that
We have burnt one Bishop —
We have smashed one Director —
We have run over one Member of Parliament —
We have poisoned one Peer —
All this by way of bold metaphor,— meaning;, lot us suppose, that
we have offered up the precious sacrifice, which, in this practical
country, will have to be waited for before the abolition
Of locked railway-carriage doors —
( H train-running without block-telegraphing —
Of furious driving and unprotected crossings in London streets —
Of the making up of prescriptions by unqualified chemists and
druggists.
But now we hare so handsomely drowned two officers and a boat's-
crew of the Arimlni\ we may hope that the sacrifice has been per-
formed which was necessary to drive into the heads of the Admiralty
the expediency of enforcing the use, in men-of-war, of CLIFFORD'S
Boat-lowering apparatus ; or some better, if there be a better, which,
as advised, we doubt. They have already taken the first step
to this desirable result — which has not been urged upon them
for much more than twelve years — by giving Naval Captains the
option of fitting their ships with CLIFFORD'S apparatus or one, as
we are assured, though ME. SHAW LE FEVRE tells a different story,
admitted by all who have tried both to be in every point its inferior—
KYNASTON'S. KYNASTON being an Admiral, and haying a brother at
the Admiralty, of course his apparatus had every claim to precedence
over CLTFFOHD'S, which possessed only one merit — efficiency.
Let us hope that the question, if there he a question, of relative
merit between these contrivances, will, at last, he settled, if there
he a better and a worse, that henceforth option between better and
worse will be withdrawn, and that GOSCHEN will have the use of
the best boat-lowering apparatus made compulsory and universal,
or JOHN BULL will know the reason why. We have surely offered up
lives enough to Admiralty prejudice, or Admiralty interest, or
Admiralty supineness and stupidity, whichever it be, that has stood
so long between the British man-o -war's-man and the most perfect
plan possible for diminishing his chances of drowning.
TAXES ON KNOWLEDGE.
an amateur performer on the ophicleide, or bagpipes,
who feels himself insulted, if, when he is asked to dine with you,
he is not begged to bring his music !
Being asked to execute your country friend's commissions, from a
cradle to a crinoline, or a banjo to a baby-jumper, because you, who
live in town, of course know best where to buy things.
Knowing a funny fellow who mimics all your little eccentricities
of manner, not behind your back merely, but before your very
wife.
Being perpetually pestered by your friends to get them boxes at
the theatres, because you happen to know the managers, or possibly
the authors.
Knowing a clever fellow of an artist, who takes advantage of your
hospitality by making you a study for his wildest caricatures.
Knowing a fine lady, of the family of Snobs, who, because you
happen to have mentioned that you have once met a lord, persists in
prattling " Peerage " to you every time you meet.
Being ordered to get up and make a circuit of yonr premises at
two o'clock A.M., because your wife says that she knows that thieves
are in the house.
A Long Time Ago.
DISQUIETING rumours of the existence of a " King of Rum " (in
connection with a paper read at a recent meeting of the Asiatic
Society) having reachtd the ears of the " National Alliance," that
body caustd inquiries to be made on the subject, and were relieved
to learn that whatever baneful influence such a dissolute monarch
may have exercised on society, it was confined to the Eleventh
Century of our Era.
THE GROCER'S FRIEND.
HAT excellent M.P.,
MB. J. G. T. SIN-
CLAIR, has written
the Times a letter
epitomising his ar-
guments for a " free
breakfast- table"—
the table to be f raid
at the Income-tax
payer's expense.
The following one
is the ba«i» of all
the rest : —
"That tea, sugar,
and coffee are neces-
saries because they
are universally given
in workhouMS and
gaols ; that it is con-
trary to the Constitu-
tion to tax those who
are not represented
for necessaries."
Whatever things
are universally
given in work-
nouses and gaols
are necessaries ; but
tea, sugar, and
coffee are univer-
sally given in workhouses and gaols : therefore tea, sugar, and coffees
are necessaries, quoth ARISTOTLE ? No, MR. SINCLAIR. But in saying
that it is contrary to the Constitution to tax those who are not repre-
sented for necessaries, he states that which nobody can deny without
braying. On the contrary, everybody but a Moke must admit that
he has spoken very much within bounds ; for we all feel that taxa-
tion without representation is tyranny, whether levied on necessaries
or luxuries. So at least all feel who are taxed and misrepresented.
See how much this maxim has to do with the question of a free
breakfast-table. Every man almost who consumes tea, coffee, and
sugar bought with his own money is represented, if he is taxed,
particularly if taxed on little else but his intoxicating liquors ; and
all prisoners and captives, whether immured in a gaol or a work-
house, if unrepresented, are untaxed. Their breakfast-table, such
as it is, stands free for them, having been emancipated by the rate-
payers, who pay for the entire banquet, whether including tea,
coffee, and sugar, or limited to skilligolee. Women, to be sure, are
taxed without being represented ; but this wrong is to be redressed
by the emancipation 01 Beauty, not of the breakfast-table. The
freedom of the breakfast-table, moreover, concerns only a few old
maids and widows ; probably the ladies in general would very much
prefer a free boudoir.
Perhaps MR. SINCLAIR would argue that oakum is a necessary
because it is universally given in workhouses and goals — to pick.
The reason, furthermore and finally, says MR. SINCLAIR, why
I protested against the reduction of Twopence in the Income-tax in
preference to the remission of taxes on the breakfast-table, was
that—
" I thought it astonishing and distressing to hear rich Members of all par-
ties in the House of Commons, over their turtle and champagne, cordially
sanctioning the confiscation of the entire surplus for the benefit of their o*n
class, and doubting whether it would not be a violation of the Constitution to
allow the wretched out-door pauper, the helpless widow, or the poor seam-
stress of Spitalfields, a cup of untazed coffee with their crust of dry bread."
Pathetic, pitiful, compassionate, condoling MR. SINCLAIR.! As
feelingly, at least, as you, Mr. Punch commiserates poor people
who can afford nothing for breakfast dearer than dry bread — though
they who can afford that can afford nice oatmeal- porridge; can't
they ? But would our poor brothers and sisters, now able to afford
nothing above dry bread for breakfast, really be enabled to afford
anything better by a free breakfast-table ? Alas, no ! The break-
fast-table would be none the cheaper ; on the contrary, for reasons
of which the grocers would give a most satisfactory explanation,
there would be an immediate rise in the prices of tea, coffee, and
sugar, sweet MR. SINCLAIR.
Inns of Court Head Quarters.
OPINIONS differ about the style of Architecture which would be
the most appropriate for the New Law Courts in their proposed com-
bination ironically called by some people the Palace of Justice.
There are some hints of the best design for that Building to be found
in Paradise Lost where MILTON describes Pandemonium.
152
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1872.
"WHAT NEXT?"
Mistress (to New Housemaid). " JANE, I 'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAB YOU CAN'T READ OE WRITE ! I 'M SURE ONE OF MY
DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE TO TEACH YOU "
Maid. " 0, LOB', MUM, IF' THE Yor/NG LADIES WOULD BE so KIND AS TO LEABN ME ANYTHING, I SHOULD so LIKE TO PLAY
THE PlAHNER." ! !
RESULTS.
(Manchester, Easter Week, 1872.)
BAD colds.
Enthusiasm.
Hoarseness.
Damage to wearing apparel.
Mishaps to flags and banners.
Misfortunes to umbrellas.
Six columns of the Times.
Delight of young people called upon to read the whole of MB.
DISRAELI'S speech aloud to elderly relatives.
Enormous sale of London and local papers.
Great demand for MB. DISBAELI'S novels.
Brisk traffic in MB. DISBAELI'S cartes.
Researches into the history and antecedents of Pomona.
Dinner-parties.
Excitement about " CAWLBY and CHARLEY."
Projected new room at Hughenden Manor to hold the Addresses.
btern determination of " boys between 14 and 20,"* to take care
of the .hngksh Constitution and their own, to be careful and Conser-
vative, to save their money and their country, to eschew tobacco,
and to resist the allurements of malt and spirituous liquors, so as to
become householders at the very earliest opportunity, and supporters
of Ma. DISHAELI and the House of Lords.
Inexpressible weight on the minds of those to whom MB. DISRAELI
delivered the cause Of the Tory party, of the English Constitution,
and of the British Empire."
Consternation, confusion, distraction, and dismay in the Ministry.
J-requent Cabinet Councils. MB. GLADSTONE unable to eat drink
or look at old china; LORD GRANVILLE attacked by gout; the
V J,"m !" "ithin the mark wh(*n I "<»y that one-half the people present
in the 1'omona trardens yesterday were youths— literally and actually bovs
between fourteen and twenty."— Special Correnpondmt of the Daily Newt
MARQUIS OF HARTINGTON discovered insensible in the Phoenix Park ;
MR. STANSFELD moaning in his sleep and shouting, " ADDEBLEY!
ADDERLEY ! " and ME. CAHDWELL threatening to enlist in his own
Army.
The House of Lords breathing again.
Manchester, Saturday, 6p.m.
(BY TELEGRAPH.)
Hoarseness abating, likewise enthusiasm.
SANG BY SAWNIE.
THERE 's ae question I wad speer,
Ere I loupit intil marriage ;
Hech, noo, lassie, luve an' dear,
Cou'd ye live on aitmeal parritch ?
Cou'd ye wear a cotton gown ?
For the Sawbbath keep ane plaidie ?
Be content wi' Nature 's crown.
Nae fause chignon cost your laddie ?
Wad ye, Doo', your gizzard fret ?
Wad ye nae ith' sullens linger
For a' trinkets gin' ye 'd get
Bit o' gowd on wee fourth finger ?
Mutato Nomine.
OUB Republican and Socialist friends of the Patriotic Society, now
the " Hole-in-the-Wall " has been blocked against them, have found
a refuge, we are told, at the " Crown and Can." Considering the
result of their attacks on royalty, we would suggest a slight change
of sign — the " Crown and Cannot."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL— APRIL 13, 1872.
THE LANCASHIRE LIONS.
'SO HAVE I HEARD ON INKY IRWELL'S SHORE,
ANOTHER LION GIVE A LOUDER ROAR,
AND THE FIRST LION THOUGHT THE LAST A BORE."
Bombastes Farioso.
APRIL 13./1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
155
THE FRENCH HORN.
. the late siege of
Paris by the victorious Ger-
mans, the inhabitants of
Mr. Barlow. Softly, TOMMY, softly. For although your candour
and penetration do you infinite credit, yet I would rather be assured
that this frank and generous acknowledgment were made equally in
the absence, as in the presence, of the person to whom, you would
have us believe, you are so deeply indebted.
MB. BARLOW was then going to descend and enter another carriage,
— , __ - - i AVUOUU IM invii a\sA v» i*|ijV) WVHMIMBV Vlil UliUlUOlr VjViiOlWtl SHM711 «»uu
££ and other public gardens most chivalrous protection. The babe is remorselessly torn from
of the trench Capital, to its nurse's, or its mother's, arms, to be brutally doubled up, in
/ replace the swans whi«h ordt.r to accommodate its shape to the capacity of the Clown's
- -~ 4 VIA I'd T>I a i a n a r i uv/\ii vtis 1 1 _ i _Ii • 1 J • J £. . . .1 ,\ •.. i i
Chambers of Commerce, it
appears that the adultera-
tion of American cotton
with sand has come to be
practised extensively. The
authors rf tins fraud deserve being- doomed perpetually to fabri-
cate ropes of sand ; or, which would answer the same purpose, to
manufacture that material into cotton twist. As duly, with
justice only rather less poetical, they might be sentenced to picking
oakum without end.
that beleaguered city were but TOMMY, with many tears and protestations, begged him to
reduced to eat strange flesh j remain and hear HABHI'S answer to the question which he had put
— the least stran?e beinf? to him.
that of swans. Forty of Harry. A Pantomime, then, Sir, appears to me to be filled with
those birds have now been little else but cheating, dissimulation, treachery of the grossest kind,
distributedmpairsamongst and cruelties of the most revolting and barbarous nature, practised,
the Tuileries, lore Mon- i regret to say, upon those whose helpless condition, either by
eeaux, Buttes Chaumpnt, reason of their sex or age, demands our utmost consideration and
_ _ . 4 _i_ • i ___4__**"^_ rm i i • i i A p
in
the Parisians devoured. j>00ket. or it is bandied from one~to *thVJother, "with less
Swans are institutions i care than would be bestowed on uncarting bundles of firewood ;
Paris replaces, i and when outraged justice at length interferes to punish the
evil-doers, it is the innocent baby which serves the Clown as
a most formidable weapon in his effectual resistance to the police ;
and, when it is of no further use, either for defence or offence,
it is callously jerked aside, put into a piemen's can, or hurled
into the midst of some fearful street-tight, where its dismal
fate is sealed, and it is for ever lost to view. And, let me ask you,
did you, my dear MB. BABLOW, or you, my dear TOMMY, see one
i spectator of this series of inhuman crimes shed so much as a single
of the Manchester ^ ; ?ay-1 on tb- contrMT' did we not notice how the younger por-
France will, at any rule,
in it find that all her swans
are geese.
Shoddy and Sand.
FBOM a discussion which
lately occurred
ing
EVENINGS FBOM HOME.
. — MR. BARLOW, for himself and his young friends, takes the
earliest opportunity of contradicting the report that he, attended
by his beloved Pupils, has interviewed either MonssiostVR
CLAIMANT, at Antwerp, or the Monster Claimant in Newgate.]
A BOUND of unexampled gaiety in London having somewhat im-
paired the usual excellent health of MASTER TOMMY MEBTON, MB.
BABLOW proposed that, as the time had arrived when the Holidays
were fast drawing to a close, he should take his young friends for'a
change of air to the South of England. TOMMY MEBTON now
insisted upon defraying the expenses of the trip, and after MB.
BABLOW had judiciously written for and obtained apartments in the
Abbey Boarding House at Torcombe, the party set out for their des-
tination, their high spirits being somewhat damped by the remem-
brance that in a very few days they would have to return to the
routine ot their ordinary studies.
Travelling by the night-train they beguiled the time with con-
versation, which naturally turned upon the diversions of which
they had so largely partaken during their sojourn in the Metropolis.
MR. BAHLOW now desired to hear HABBY' s opinion upon Pantomimes
in general.
Why, Sir," answered HABBY, " I am very little judge of these
matters, but I protest that it seems to me that all honest folk can
but be of one mind with regard to this sort of theatrical entertain-
ment."
Tummy. I vow that I have always considered a Pantomime a
vastly comical and diverting performance.
Mr. Barlow. Your sentiments, my dear TOMMY, remind me of
the story of Arsaces and the Unnecessary Infant, which, as neither
of you has heard it, I will now proceed to narrate,
then-
You must know
Here HABBY, with much modesty and compunction, informed
their beloved tutor that he had himself already recounted the tale
to MASTEB TOMMY, a statement which his young friend hastened,
with no little warmth, to corroborate.
Harry. As. MASTER TOMMY, you appear to have a somewhat high
opinion of a Pantomime, let me ask you whether you consider it a
benefit for the uneducated to witness a virtuous, or a vicious,
example ?
Tommy. Indeed, it appears to me that to have perpetually before
pur eyes such an exhibition of virtue as our revered tutor affords us
is vastly beneficial.
tear
tion
of the audience vehemently applauded the while the elder
looked on in smiling satisfaction ? Not to multiply instances which
your own experience would suggest to you, you will remember what
roars of laughter greeted the cold-blooded decapitation of an un-
fortunate policeman, the ghost of whose head subsequently appeared,
horrible to relate, in the large pasty, with which both Clown and
Pantaloon were regaling themselves in their dishonestly-acquired
lodgings '( And therefore, not to detain you further, I could not
help wondering, during the last Pantomime at which we were pre-
sent, that people could throw away so much of their time upon
sights that can do them no good, and take their children and their
relations to learn fraud and insincerity, to behold the utmost
cruelty greeted with shouts of laughter, to see justice held up to
derision, the law triumphantly defied, and meanness, vice, chica-
nery, and trickery most vehemently and heartily applauded.
MB. BABLOW smiled at the honest bluntness of HABBY ; and
TOMMY, who had already commenced writing the first scene of a
Pantomime, hung his head and appeared not a little mortified..
However, as he could not contradict the charges which HABBY had
brought, he thought it prudent to be silent. [TOMMY'S Pantomime
was founded upon a story of MB. BARLOW'S, and was entitled
Harlequin Agestliius and The Versatile Plumber, or the Convultive
Fairies of the Silver' Spoon and the Cote that Jumped over the
Moon, or the Little Dog of the Ottigamies and the Unaffected Scullion.
He had secretly purposed calling on the Lessee of Drury Lane, or if
no other way were open to him he was going to ask his father, who
was a very wealthy man, either to purchase for him a share in
Drury Lane Theatre, which would entitle him as a renter to compel
the attention of the Lessee, or to take the Opera Comique, for the
ensuing winter, to be opened, under the management of MASTER
TOMMY MKRTON, with his new and original Pantomime. These
schemes he now determined to drop, having been much moved by
HABBY'S discourse.]
At Swindon, MR. BABLOW and his young friends refreshed them-
selves with a plentiful supper of buns and as much soup as they
could swallow without scalding their mouths in the few minutes
allotted for this repast.
Before re-entering their compartment, MB. BABLOW, ascertaining
that the Guard had not heard the story of Pharnabazus and the
Modest Buffalo, was forthwith about to recount it to him, when
the signal was given for the train's departure, whereupon MB. BAB-
LOW, wishing to exhibit in his own person an example of scrupulous
punctuality, and exact adherence to the Rules, Regulations, and
Bye-Laws of the Company, at once stepped into his carriage, and,
with his usual happy expedition, was very soon fast asleep.
A Contradiction in Terms.
ONE thing Punch will say of the new Governor-General of the
Canadian Dominion, which all who know the late Chancellor of the
Duchy of Lancaster will echo now, and to which the people he
governs will soon — we have no doubt, say ditto — that the Govern-
ment, having the most important and honourable post in any British
dependency, after the Governor- Generalship of India, to fill up, has
not put a duffer in !
156
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1872.
THE INTERESTING EVENT.
Curly Poll. " So THAT'S THE NEW BABY THE DOCTOB HAS SENT HERE TO MAMMA, FREDDY?"
Freddy. "YES. AND DON'T IT SQUEAL? AND I DO SAY IT'S A GKEAT SHAME OF THE DOCTOR TO SEND BABIES WHEN PEOPLE
ARE ILL, LIKE POOR MAMMA. I HATE HIM t "
Jretoritfe
BORN 1804. DIED 1872.
NOR Bishopric, nor Deanery, nor Stall
Of Canon or of Prebend, empty stands,
By reason of this death, whose tidings fall
To sadden many hearts in many lands ;
Yet to nplift e'en whom they sadden most ;
The steady star, whose dimming here we monrn,
Beams ever for us in the heavenly host,
And only there seems to have reached its hourne.
The broad bright light, whose guiding radiance shone
So wide on earth, shines broader, brighter now :
What though the true voice, and sweet smile be gone,
Closed the kind eyes beneath the steadfast brow—
The life of love he lived, the truth he spoke,
The seeds of good he sowed on earth remain :
In many brave hearts, eased from Evil's yoke,
The fruitful soul of MADBICE lives again.
Stout runners, over duty's dusty course,
Will carry on the torch his hand lets fall ;
Whose flame, he bearing it, nor craft nor force
Quenched, or made quiver— a sure light for all !
If e'er man's life showed Christian faith and love,
If ever man's lips Christian doctrine spoke,
That life was lived by him while here he strove,
That trumpet-truth from his tongue souls awoke,
Which slept, and would have slept, while, like a fall
Of lulling waters, orthodoxy ground
Its barrel-organ, and the poppied pall
Of seventh-day slumber shed its influence round.
A dangerous spirit, by decorum's gauge,
Who on Heaven's road shook turnpikes and scorned tolls,
Could fling forth words white-hot with noble rage,
As well as lit with love, compelling souls.
Armed with his well-proved thought he faced abuse,
Loss, conflict, obloquy, believing still
That God, who "gives us reason, wills its use.
That reverent trust in right can work no ill.
He ne'er met lie but off its mask to tear,
Nor e'er encountered truth but to embrace :
Heedless what seemly vizard lie might wear,
Or what thick veil might hide truth's noble face.
Why pause the lot of such a life to read-
Its band of high, and humble, gratefal friends,
Of honours, wealth, its small share, smaller need :
How can he miss, who seeks not, worldly ends ?
He being dead yet speaks, and still will speak
More widely, as men grow more brave and wise,
In wider sympathy, and faith less weak,
And interchange of larger charities.
Crowned with a radiant crown, than earth's more fair,
'Mid love and reverence he leaves life below,
To seek the life above, and welcome there,
Face to face, all 'twas his, e'en here, to know !
Satisfactory Vote, nevertheless.
THEATRICAL BALLOT. — " HODSON'S Choice."
APRIL 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
157
FASHIONABLE AND APPROPRIATE COSTUMES
FOR THE PRESENT SEASON.
Alice. " Do PRAT TAKE MY UMBRELLA, FANNY, DEAR 1 I 'll JUST AT HOME I "
THE PIG AND THE KING.
I WISH for a thing.
Who will give me a King P
What good angel, or genie, or fairy,
On my finger to wear,
And be pinched with it there,
Whensoe'er in good living unwary ?
The utmost to eat,
And to drink that were meet
For my health me I 'd have it to suffer ;
But when I did exceed
That degree, then indeed
To admonish this erring old buffer.
How well, then, I'd dim- '.
And go on drinking wine
Without end, till my King pinched me warning,
I should then feast without
Getting in for the gout
By-and-by, and a headache next morning.
COMMON MISQUOTATION.
LOW-BOHN creatures who do not know, and 'pretend
not to care to know, who their grandfathers were, not
having family-trees like the pedigree of 3/r. Punch, who
came in before the Conqueror, are apt to say that the
grapes of genealogy are sour, quoting, as they commonly
do, the lines from Nosey — so our Young Hopeful the
other day dared to call the poet, PUBUUS OTIDIUS
NASO :—
" Nam gcnui, et proavos, et qua: non ftcimus ipsi,
Vix ea nostra YOCO."
Et qiue non ftcimut ipsi f By this role, we should
like to know how anyone could possibly call his soul his
own?
A Thought upon Taffy.
Your Welsh Cad is a greater Cad than any other.
He numbers among his ancestors a CADWALLADEK and a
CADWAILON.
A DANGEROUS EXAMPLE.
WILLIAM LASH, an appropriately named attendant at the Colney
Hatch Lunatic Asylum, having been seen by one of the medical
officers striking one of the lunatics under his care, was very properly
suspended, committed, tried, and found guilty last week, at the
Middlesex Sessions. It was proved that the lunatic he had struck was
much bruised and injured, and LASH pleaded that he had been "pro-
voked." The jury seems to have thought the provocation justified the
assault, for while finding LASH guilty, they added a gratuitous,
and on the face of it, highly improbable opinion, that "as he had
been but a short time in the Asylum, he probably was not acquainted
with the restriction that no attendant was allowed to strike an
inmate" — the first thing every attendant is made to do being to
master the printed rules, of which this stands at the head. Where-
upon the judge seems to have showed himself, if he will allow Mr.
Punch to say so, more imbecile even than the jury, for he merely
ordered WILLIAM LASH to enter into his own recognisances to come
up for judgment if called upon.
Considering the number of Lashes loose in too many Lunatic
Asylums, if we may judge by the frequency of rib-breakings, bath
smotherings, and similar murderous acts of brutality on the part
of Asylum attendants brought to light from time to time ; the pecu-
liarly helpless position of the lunatics who are the victims of these
brutalities ; and the difficulty of securing that sane evidence, which
alone juries seem to think warrant for a verdict of guilty on such
charges, we should have thought that of all conceivable cases, one
in which an Asylum attendant is convicted on an Assistant-Surgeon's
testimony of brutal violence to a lunatic, was the one for an
exemplary sentence.
We had flattered ourselves that corporal punishment was for-
bidden in all well managed Lunatic Asylums. The cat has been
banished in effect from the Army and Navy, and is only allowed,
now, to claw the backs of ruffianly garotte robbers. But such
lenient treatment as visiting justices, jury, and judge have given
this LASH seems very likely encourugcr Irs autrm, and so to
stimulate the use of the Lash in our Lunatic Asylums generally.
There are few of them, we fear, without a Lash handy among
their attendants, only to be kept in abeyance by good rules,
strictly enforced, and their violation heavily punished.
FAIR WARNING FROM FRANCE.
EUROPE bids fair to advance — crab-fashion. If she do not pro-
gress, at any rate she will march. At the suggestion of M. CHASSK-
LOOT-LAUBAT, in his report on the organisation and recruiting of the
French army, it is likely that the National Assembly will pass a
law to make every able-bodied Frenchman between twenty and
forty learn soldiering. All Europe must follow suit. Hooray for
i the prospects of the peace and civilisation of the world ! Hey
for the Millennium ! When France is armed, Europe makes ready.
| Of course M. THIERS will lose no time in converting France into one
camp able to revenge Sedan, and reinstate the Pope-King. M.
i THIERS knows that he can effect that transformation in a twinkling,
' as it were with a wave of a Harlequin's wand. Otherwise he would
j try to do it by degrees, and say nothing of what he was about in the
meanwhile. If it were made a work of time, it might chance to get
I arrested at an early stage of development. BISMARCK may be
asleep, and snoring very loud, and perhaps a prolonged noise of
military preparation would not soon awaken him ; but perhaps it
might, and then what if he were to nip a magnificent project of
glory and vengeance in the bud ':
A Shrewd Observer.
MBS. MALAPROP, whose head is still full of the Tichborne case, is
puzzled to think why some of the ground at the Brighton Review
was " tattooed." The same worthy matron also wonders at the fuss
that has been made in Holland about " the capture of Brill," — a
fish which, for her part, she thinks very inferior to turbot.
158
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 13, 1872.
AN IRISH MODEL.
Mrs. MagilKcuddy (to her Daughter). " WHY, WHY, ROSEEN ! WHAT "s BEEN DELAYIN' YE ? WHY ! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR
PAST TO COMB IN WID THB illLK ! "
Hose. " 0, SUES, THIN, MOTHER DEAB, ON MB WAY BACK FROM THB MEADA1 I MET SUCH A DAELIN1 ENGLISH JlNTLEMAN — A
BALE AKTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED MB TO ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP ; AND 0, MOTHER MAVKONB, IT 's A WONDEK HOW-
LIKE ME HE *S MED IT, OLOBY BE TO THE SAINTS ! "
FRIGHTS AND FASHIONS.
MEN laughed, when wearing Pig-tails was the rule,
At one who wore no Pig-tail as a fool.
She that hair-powder, patches, paint, eschewed,
Was funny to the female multitude.
When womankind their waists made long or short,
Whose waist was Nature's waist, she moved their sport.
In days of Crinoline's extent immense,
Attired in skirts of just circumference,
Amid the modish throng if one appeared,
The others at her for a dowdy sneered.
Now Chignons are in vogue, they deem her odd
Who fails to pile the fashionable wad
Aloft, like towers of CybSle, and groan
Beneath a load of hair that 's not her own.
The crowd, their ears with pendants who adorn,
A lady without earrings hold in scorn ;
Who fish-bones through their nostrils thrust, so those
The fair who wears no fish-bone in her nose.
WAGGAWOCK SUl
" THEEE are some people with
other people with plenty brains bu
£ s. d.
Eight Donkeys in a Pound .100
One who has suffered by
Justice . . . .026
A Gushing Gent . . .016
A Hater of Law . . .036
Asinus . . . .006
Fagin and young friends .640
A Female Idiot . . .200
One who would gladly have
seen him among the base
aristocracy . . .010
Five Cads . . . .050
A Fellow Prisoner ' . .006
Clyfaker . . . .010
A Stubborn Cove who sticks
to his opinion . . .020
Conscience-money ; half an
overcharge by a converted
Cabman . . . .016
A Pigeon-Shooter . .050
A Sensation-monger . .019
Eleven Touts . . . 0 11 0
An old nurse . . .006
3SCRIPTION LIST.
plenty money but no brains, and
; no money." — The Ex- Claimant.
£ >. d.
An American Publisher .110
Gents using the parlour
of the Duffer's Head,
Houndsditoh . . .060
Pious Potboy . . .006
A Butcher .. . .010
A Friend (Hanwell), with
seven oyster- shells and
a flageolet . . . 0 0 3J
Tattoo Diaboli . . .046
Servants in a kitchen, after
reading the " Penny
Dreadful" . . .026
Jonathan Wild . . . 0 10 0
Titus Gates . . . 0 10 0
One who has bellowed at
the Cat . . .010
" Dear Clever Boy" .006
A Hater of Swells . .010
A Howling Idiot . .110
A Baby Farmer . . 0 10 0
A Woman Hater . .026
Mother Goose . . .002
" Because he had Too much Cheek."
THE Spaniards are getting up another agitation to regain Gib-
raltar. At a time when she cannot even lock out her brigands from
her railway-stations, but allows those scoundrels to tear up the rails
and murder the passengers, Spain asks to be trusted with the keys
of the Mediterranean ! If a Spaniard could read Bleak House, we
should refer him to Mr. Bucket's answer to his own question " why
they killed the pig."
Mancunium and Mythology.
MANCHESTER is most classical. In her hours of relaxation she
seeks Pomona, but in the pursuit of business she is ever faithful to
Vertumnus as the God of Change.
ANOTHER " BALANCE OF COMFORT." — At your Banker's.
Printed by Joieph Smith, of No. «4. Hertford Square. Is the ParHh of St. James, Clerkenwell, tn the County of Middle§e», at the Printing Omcei of Me«n. Bradbury. BTani. * Co.. Lombard
Street, in the Precinct of Wbltefiian, In the City of London, and Published by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in the Paruh of St. Bride, City of London.— 8»roEotT April 13, 1873.
APBIF, 20, 18721
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
1.09
CRITERIA OF CLOTHES.
METIIOCOIIT mine overcoat was growing old
With five years' wear, but, walking with it on,
I met a boy the other day, to me
Who, mind, he could not see my watch through it,
Said, "Please, Sir, what's the time?" He said
" Please. Sir,"
And he concluded that I had a watch
From data which were, save mine overcoat,
Below it but my trousers' legs and boots,
My billycock above. Both it and they
Were somewhat seedier than the sack which did
Between them intervene. Then, to that eack
I yet will wait before I give the sack,
And in another vestment cash invest,
Maybe some thirty bob, or more. Besides,
The beggars have not ceased to beg of me.
" Gentleman, please, would yer," they cry, " relieve
A poor man f " Poor ? Why, then, I do look rich,
And mine exterior yet is gentlemanly.
Then underneath what matters how I go,
Whilst upper Benjamin makes outward show ':
SOUNDINGS!
The Living down at our . Village falling vacant, LOUD PA VON DALE left it to (he
Parish to choose the new Rector.
Influential Parishioner. "THEN AM I TO UNDERSTAND, MR, MANIPLE, THAT
YOU OBJECT TO BURY A DlSSKNTER ? "
The Rev. Mr. Maniple (one of the Competitors). " 0, DEAR ME, No, MR. JINKS ;
QUITE THE CONTRARY 1 1 "
VOTERS OF VALUE.
A CLAUSE in the Ballot Bill provides that the presiding
officers at an election may cause the vote of an elector,
incapacitated by blindness, or any other physical cause,
from voting in the manner prescribed by the Bill, to
be secretly marked on a ballot-paper, and the paper
placed in the ballot-box. It has been suggested that
this provision should be extended to electors who can
neither read nor write. But would they be incapacitated
by a cause merely physical? Should they not also be
presumed to lie under an intellectual incapacity, and is
it really desirable that a vote should be given (not to
say recorded) by every illiterate fool in the kingdom ?
Green Park v. Black Moor.
Tn KY are resolved on running a railway through the
finest people's park in England, and, what is more, in
the very midst of the Black Country, where park scenery
is most wanted and most welcome. This park is at
Sutton Coldfield, but the wish to turn " Coldfield " into
" coal field," however natural to the region, is not a
transformation those who wish well to its workers will
be inclined to favour or to forward. (Lords' Committee
on the Wolverhampton and Leicester Railway Bill,
please make a note.)
SEKIOUS INTERJECTIONS.
IF you were asked what you considered to be the chief character-
istic of the Great Transatlantic Branch of the Anglo-Saxon Family,
would you not mention a peculiar gravity, manifested in the frequent
combination of the affairs of common or political life with devo-
tional solemnities, and undisturbed by any idea of their incongruity
or dissociation by unfitness of things? This it was which enabled
the Chaplain of the Massachusetts Legislature, upon the opening of
its session the other day, in offering up the customary prayer, to
introduce a special petition for the guidance of the members' hearts
in the direction of bestowing the suffrage upon women. The Speaker,
however, having been appealed to against this kind of praying,
ruled that the chaplain must in future refrain from such admixture
of secular and spiritual matters, whereupon the Pall Mall Gazette,
congratulating the Legislature of Massachusetts on having cut short
what might otherwise have proved a very inconvenient precedent,
remarks that : —
" The peculiar advantages which the position of the chaplain would give
him in setting forth, through the medium of prayer, his political opinions,
were not likely to be meekly borne by his opponents. It is true that
the party whose views were shared by the chaplain would not be per-
mitted to mark their approbation by cheers or cries of ' Hear, hear ! ' But they
might freely interpolate ' Amen,' whereas the expression of 'Oh, oh!' and
other Parliamentary signs of dissent, would be absolutely forbidden to those
who had the misfortune to differ from the officiator."
Very probably, as sounds of Parliamentary dissent,' " Oh, oh ! "
would be interdicted. But, as sounds of Parliamentary assent and
spiritual yearning, " Oh, oh ! " would be quite in order. There is a
sense in which " Oh, oh ! " are sounds of both assent and dissent, as
the writer of the note above quoted will acknowledge, if he has ever
sat under the REVEREND MB. STIGGINS in Ebenezer.
VOL. tm.
MACFIE'8 LAST— LET US HOPE.
MR. MACFIE shows a wonderful capacity, even among unwise
M.P.'s, for getting hold of the wrong end of the stick. He is the
sage lawgiver who, because patent law is unsatisfactory, patent
cases sometimes scandalous, and patent rights occasionally incon-
venient to those who want to eat the fruit of other men's brains
without paying for it, would do away with all legal protection to the
inventor, and make all machinery, processes, and published matter,
once given to the world, public property in perpetuity. This notable
project of plunder is worthy of the logician who in SIR THOMAS
CHAMIIKRS'S silly Sunday Trading BUI — ignominiously and de-
servedly kicked out on Wednesday week — could see an attempt of
the House of Commons to perform ''its sacred duty of protecting the
working-man's day of rest from being sacrificed to the rapacity of
the capitalist."
Such was MR. MAGPIE'S account of the measure. Considering that
it is the working-man who insists on the Sunday market, that it is
his purveyors, the costermongers, who chiefly supply it, and that the
only capitalist concerned is the small shopkeeper, who would fain
see all Sunday trading squashed, that he might put up his shutters
on the seventh day, and be off with the old 'ooman and kids on an
outing to 'appy 'Ampton or umbrageous Epping, — in the way of
foolish misrepresentation and distortion of fact, one would think
even MB. MACFIE could not go beyond this last. How if we were to
clap a tail to the name, and dub this egregious gentleman for the
future Ma, MAC-FIE- FOE-SHAME ?
THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION. — Mal-d-propos of the Alabama
Claims, MRS. MALAPROP remarked that she had no patience with
those over-reaching Yankets, they were so unscrophulous.
160
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
JL
ONDAY, April 8. —
', MR. DISRAELI ap-
peared, fresh from
his great Lanca-
shire triumph, and
not looking at all
likea wearied Lion,
but rather as one
prepared to roar
again at the short-
est notice. How-
ever, to do him
justice, he never
assumes the leonine
without provoca-
tion — he hath a
temper, Sirs, which
is much to be
envied.
MR. NEVILLE
GRENVILLE curi-
ously inquired whe-
ther six : counsel
had been retained
to prosecute the
man CASTRO, now
in Newgate. The
ATTORNEY- GENK-
EAL said that the
enormous mass of evidence to be dealt with required a strong legal
staff — not, however, that there was any difficulty in the case itself,
which was most simple, " the ' Claim ' being an insult to the common-
sense of mankind." Yes, but that sense is not so common, espe-
cially among the commoner sort, CASTRO'S chief patrons and backers.
Evidently LORD ENFIELD is not let into all secrets. He stated
that there was no hope of any relaxation in the French Passport
System. On a later night his chiefs in both Houses proclaimed that
it was to be immediately and entirely abolished.
MB. DODSON, Chairman of Committees, announced his retirement,
and he was duly complimented by the two Leaders of party.
When MR. DODSON publishes a third volume of the enchanting
adventures of Miss ALICE, of Wonderland >nd Looking-glassland,
he shall be duly complimented by the Great Leader of all,
Mr. Punch. The latter cannot as yet recover from his admiration
of the marvellous poem, " Jabberwoeky," and of his own miracu-
lous adaptation thereof. His only regret is that his amber embalms
a bloated blow-fly.
Mis. BONHAM-CABTEB, who has been for many years the M.P. for
Winchester, was made the new Chairman of Committees, and it is
to be hoped that though our Carter will usually guide his team by
ejaculations, he will not forget that he carries a whip for use on fit
occasions.
" On hackney elands,
We reverence the coachman that cries ' Gee ! '
And spares the lash." (Rejected Addresses.)
but if horses will not go, or will jib, the resources of science must
be employed.
We then got upon the Ballot Bill, and the obstructives made the
discussion rather amusing. Several divisions were taken, and there
was a pleasing fight on the question whether the polls should be
kept open after dark, for the convenience of our artisan friends.
MB. FORSTER thought that disturbances would be the result, but
had no objection to open the poll till sunset, provided that happened
before eight o'clock. Imagine Sol being the arbiter of elections.
There was also a struggle to insert a clause for detecting personation,
but Ministers were afraid that this would interfere with the absolute
secresy in which it is imagined that Britons desire to involve their
voting.
What do you say to this, MB. FOBSTER ? Suppose that electors
who are indignant at the idea of its being supposed that they are
afraid to declare their votes should set up a sort of Register office,
on election day, and should proceed thence from the poll-booth, to
set down their suffrage for publication among their fellow-citizens.
Will this be illegal?
" What, hang a man for speaking Out ?
Then farewell, British Freedom." (Gnoper.)
Tuesday.— The Lords met again, and were entertained with a dis-
cussion on the case of some young officers who, having been already
gazetted as Ensigns and Lieutenants, are now to be sent to Sand-
hurst for education. It was explained that they were so gazetted,
with notice that they would have to be subject to new rules, then in
preparation. But, on the whole, these young Swells have a griev-
ance, and Punch hopes that their military ardour is not to be
cheeked by any harshness.
Rather an odd debate in the Commons, touching the right of
everybody to be heard against a certain Metropolitan Improvement
Bill, the House having decided that the Board of Works should
alone be heard. But it was fairly contended that the Board is not
the representative of everybody, but only of Vestrymen, who are
certainly " not everybody. Ministers had to split. MR. AYHTON
opposed the larger proposal, and MR. GLADSTONE supported it, which
as M.P. for Greenwich, he was almost bound to do. It was, however,
rejected by a good majority.
We had a debate raised by MR. FOWLER, on the subject of Entail.
He wishes to make land much more easy of transfer. An unlucky
reference to some cottages which are in a disgraceful state, gave
MR. DISRAELI the means of making a good point. He was able to
show that the dwellings were not the property of a Tory landlord,
but of a Liberal tradesman. MR. GLADSTONE thought that the
subject was not ripe for legislation, and asked MB. FOWLER to
withdraw his motion, to which MR. FOWLER replied that if MR.
GLADSTONE could not make up his mind how to vote, he could easily
walk out of the House. (There is a new manual of politeness just
published.) The snare of the fowler was escaped on division,
103 to 81.
Wednesday. — MR. G. ONSLOW, one of the distinguished treasurers
of the Castro Fund, presented a petition from some people at and
about Tichborne, declaring that they believed in the Claimant, and
begging that he might be defended at the public expense. MR.
ARTHUR GUEST presented a somewhat similar petition from Poole,
but next day wrote to the Standard to say that he had merely dis-
charged a Member's duty, and had refused to ask that the petition
might be read, as that would have implied his approbation of it.
Other proceedings were dull, except that the Sunday Trading
Bill was opposed by MR. PETER TAYLOR in a really clever and
effective speech, in which he deprecated, very properly, all needless
interference with the sale of the small necessaries and comforts of
the needy. The Bill was rejected by 69 to 40. The smallness of
the aggregate number, when a question involving the interests of
lowly folk was at stake, shall be charitably explained by the
suggestion that Solvent gentlemen felt ashamed to be meddling with
the ways of the poor, who have bother enough, without Parlia-
mentary addition.
Thursday. — MR. JOHN BRIGHT re-appeared in the House, after his
long and much-regretted absence. He came in at prayer-time, so
there could be no demonstration of welcome, or he would have been
hailed with hearty cheers. Mr. Punch hereby cheers him lustily.
At any time our JOHN would have been joyfully received, but there is
just now special reason for shaking his hand hugely. For we this
week read a capital letter (a " patriotic " letter, as the Conservative
Standard justly calls it) to MR. CYRUS FIELD, in which MR. BRIGHT
sets the conduct of the Americans "in order before their eyes,"
denounces the "folly" of the indirect demands, and declares that
England will never go into Court upon a claim which, if given
against her, she would never accept. " Has the Presidential Elec-
tion anything to do with this matter ? " asks MR. BRIGHT, demurely.
Ha ! ha ! Does he remember ths big bellows and the Yankee
" Claimant" in Mr. Punch's masterly Cartoon?
There is a Railway Bill, for enabling a company to cut through
the most beautiful part of Sutton Park, a favourite haunt of the
people of Birmingham. A slight deviation would answer all
engineering purposes, and save the scenery. But Mr. Punch need.
hardly say that the Railway interest was much too strong to listen
to any sentimental appeal. However, the Birmingham people
mean to ask the aid of the House of Lords, and here will be a capital
opportunity for the owners of Parks to show that they understand
the feelings of the lovers of Parks.
MR. AYBTON indulged in a scoff at the Clerk of the Weather,
remarking that as he had actually favoured us with two fine days
in succession, tan might soon be put down in the Park, unless the
official in question changed his mind. It is pleasing to see that
MR. AYBTON'S reverent habit never abandons him, be the topic what
it may.
Young Gentlemen of the Foreign Office, who is responsible for
this blunder P In the Correspondence about the Treaty with France,
the : words " sur lest," meaning " in ballast," have been translated
as if the second word had been "VEst" and "coming from the
East" had been meant. " Nous sayons ! Say un mull tie la pre-
miere magnitude, ay tout le gras sera dans lefeu see set sort de chose
ay de aller sur."
Friday.— In both Houses there was explanation of the state of the
American negotiations. We lodge a Counter-Case, but we avoid
any argument on the indirect claims, and we reserve all rights, and
also liberty to recede. If no further blunder has been made, these
precautions would appear to be sufficient.
SIR WILFRID LAWSON moved a resolution to the effect that
England should declare that she would never fight in anybody's
quarrel but her own, in any circumstances whatsoever. After a good
APRIL 20, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
161
debate, in which the doctrine of isolation was shown to be absurd,
SIB WILFRID SELFISH (as an old comedy-writer would call him)
was defeated by 126 to 21.
MR. 15AiLLiE-C'o( n HANK stoutly denounced the International
Society : the lesser MR. BENTINCK was exceedingly impertinent to
MR. GLADSTONE : we got through Committee on the Ballot Bill, and
also on the Parks Bill, and we walked oil' to bed observing that this
had been the wannest day of the year, and that we felt quite
summery. Also we spoke of the sea — " speech which in England is
a pleasant sign."
A CASE FOR CRYING ODOROUS FISH.
THAT must have been a nice
business of MB. SALMON'S!
Carried on down at Bermond-
sey, in the midst of a dense
population — the making of
manure from carrion — its in-
gredients are thus savourily
described : —
" The blood and refuse of
slaughter-houses. Blinking fish,
pigs' hair, putrid animal matter,
and garbage of all sorts. These
remained collected together in
heaps while waiting the process of
manufacture by which they were
converted into superphosphate."
JUSTICE BYLES had dealt
with this witch's cauldron, on
indictment, very summarily,
in 1868.
" The moment it was proved —
as it was in a few minutes, by the
first wit ness— that the effluvia from
the premises was so offensive as to
be a serious annoyance to the
neighbours, the Judge said at once,
' This is a public nuisance. The quantum of the nuisance is quite immaterial,
except for the purpose of sentence, and, therefore, unless this evidence can be
controverted there must be a verdict for the Crown.' It was impossible to
controvert the evidence, and accordingly that course was taken, and the
defendant submitted to a verdict against him."
But a big Bermondsey Salmon is not so easily "gaffed"! The
local Magistrates wt re not quite up to the mark of the Justice of (J.B.
When proceedings under the Nuisance Act were taken before them
against this odoriferous establishment, they dismissed the complaint,
and pronounced ME. SALMON a "
» a " benefactor to the neighbourhood."
gust (fgis of Local Justices' Justice,
Of course, under the august eegis „. ^^^ ^on^o ./uon^c,
SALMON stank on, and defied the Vestry and their Inspector of
Nuisances, and when
— " in December last the medical officer visited MB. SALMON to warn him
in a friendly way and induce him to remedy the grievance, he received his
remonstrances in a very hostile spirit."
Here is the charge brought against the fragrant Salmonian plant,
in a Doctor's affidavit sworn in Chancery proceedings taken last year
by Messrs. PEEK and FREAN, the great Bermondsey biscuit-factors,
against their strong-smelling neighbour : —
" The process of manufacturing; manure carried on by the defendant U
detrimental to the health of the inhabitants, and especially to the plaintiff*,
tbeir servants, and workmen, and it is impossible, I believe, so to carry it on
as that it shall not be a constant source of annoyance."
DE. PAHKEE also stated : —
'The fumes of the process are particularly disgusting, and pervade the
streets and gardens, but the smell is worse in digging out the putrid mats and
putting it in bags and carting it away."
At length the nuisance has again been attacked at law before
Cimr JUSTICE COCKBURN. All that we have quoted was borne
out, to the letter, by the evidence given at the trial the other day :—
" It was shown that the most horrible effluvia emanated from the defendant's
premises, from the heaps of rotten and putrefying materials collected there,
and that on 'railing days," as they were called— that is, days on which the
materials were boiled down— there was an escape of pestiferous gases, and a
kind of heavy steam, which left a mould where it fell, and was accompanied
with an acrid sensation in the mouth and throat. Evidence was given that
vast quantities of fish-heads, garbage from slaughter-houses, and other filthy
materials, were brought on the premises, and kept there until mixing days,
which occurred, it was said, only once or twice a month ; so that the neigh-
bours either had the foul effluvia of the materials, or the still more offensive
effluvia of the "mixing."
Of course there was the usual cross-swearing, the usual arraying of
eminent ' scientific witnesses " to prove that everything was for the
best in this best of all possible manure-manufactories ; that nothing
which could be done to prevent nuisance was left undone; that no
nuisance was possible, if the Salmonian processes were carried out
as devised ; that the bad smells came from other sources ; finally, to
cap the climax, that there were no HAD smells, for that the
Salmonian odours were rather nice than otherwise ! Sanitary officers
[i i 1 <>f the district), agricultural chemists, and chemical lecturers
cum'; forward freely to testify on behalf of SALMON and his sweetness.
At last CniSF JI-STICE COCKBUBN, who has a highly undignified
and unlawyerlike way of taking bulls by the horns, daringly pro-
posed that the jury and himself should go bodily to the place, and
have what he called a "view," but what we should rather have
called a smell, of the premises.
Chief-Justice and jury went, saw, and smelled, and came back
satisfied— that whatever UK. I.KTHEIIY might have done for the
process of manufacture, the storing of materials for the nice littlr
mixture called " Salmon's Patent Superphosphate " produced odours
which actually, as the Chief-Justice said, " took your breath away "
— and no wonder, when one reads in detail the ingredients of this
highly fertilising compound, " putrid pigs' hair, rotten fishes' heads,
stale slaughter-house offal, and fermenting horse-dung" !
But to the sweet all things are sweet :—
" The MHSBS. SALMON were a good deal cross-examined as to the collec-
tions of foul materials they had upoji their premises ; and denied any unplea-
sant mieHi.
" One of the jury asked MR. SALMON, jun., whether he thought the smell
at a certain place he described offensive ; and the witness answered that he
did not, upon which the juror lifted up hi* hands."
And we don't wonder at it, any more than the Chief Justice did.
Of course, " on the smell," SALMON was found to stink, though
apparently with censiderable reluctance on the part of some of tie
jury, even after smelling on the spot !
But what a pleasant picture the proceedings suggest of this not
abnormally odoriferous low " neighbourhood !
What a practical people we approve ourselves in allowing sach
processes to be carried on in the midst of dense populations, and
now our respect for trade and capital rises superior to stench ! Odor
lucri, indeed ! What was Roman VESPASIAN to British Vestryman ?
With the great medicine-man's sanitas sanitatum, nmnia sanitas at
Manchester, ME. STANSFELD'S Public Healths Bill in the House,
CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN'S sound sanitary sense at Bermondsey,
and LOED DEBBY'S "Common-health Commonwealth" wisdom at
Derby, we ought surely, as a nation, to be progressing fast and far
on the way to that cleanliness which is next to godliness.
But how if sanitas still rhymes to ranitas: if the half -empty
House listens languidly when " Public Health" is the order of the
day : if CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBUEN lays down the law against stench
amid stench, and LOED DEBBY has to insist on the uselessness of
sanitary law without sanitary sense to stimulate and guide its
application ?
Till we have enlisted Public Opinion in the service of Public
Health, talk will do little, and law less. JOHN BULL must properly
value sweet air to breathe, sweet water to drink, and clean streets
to live in, before all his law-makers and law-enforoers will give him
either one or the other.
THE QIAIfTS AND, THE BUNKUM-BAG.
Two well-intentioned Giants, face to face,
Anxious to shake hands, bygones bid be gone,
Are held apart from cousinly embrace
By a huge wind-bag, all of Bunkum blown !
When Giant JOHN calls Giant JONATHAN
No more to let this Bunkum- Bag prevent
The two stout cousins' doing all they can
To clear off scores of ancient discontent.
Shall Giant JONATHAN to Giant JOHN
Turn a deaf ear, and swear that wind has weight,
And pin his faith the Bunkum-Bag upon,
Ana ope new sores, and old sores aggravate ?
Shall not both join the Bunkum-Bag to prick,
And give its heated humbug to the winds,
And fall to settle the substantials slick,
And pay, or take, as arbitration finds ?
Logic for Ladies.
IT has been said by some wise person, and believed by many not
otherwise, that it is in the power of any woman to make any man
marry her she pleases. Very well ; then do away with actions for
breach of promise of marriage.
1C2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 20, 1872.
IT
IS A PRINCE. YOUR GRACE." [Nurse Liny, correcting tjie Iron Dute.
"How is MRS. TOMKINS 2" "MRS. MONTGOMERY TOMKINS Is AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED, MA'AM."
"AND THE LITTLE BOY ? " " TflB LITTLE EOT, MA'AM 1"
"WELL, THE LITTLE GIRL, THEN?" "THE LITTLE GIRL, MA'AM!"
" YES— ONE OK THB OTHER, I SUPPOSE I " " THE DOCTOR SAID AS A HEIR *AD ARRIVED, MA'AM I "
MORE THAN PETER'S PENCE.
THE Prisoner of the Vatican (his own gaoler) will not yet come to
terms with the Government of his country, though those which they
offer His Holiness are handsome. According to a telegram from the
Capital of Italy :—
" The POPR has not accepted the 3,325,000 lire offered him by the Govern-
m -nt. His Holiness will receive nothing from the Italian Government, and
will only accept the alms of the Catholic world as a means of subsistence."
This intelligence inspired a minstrel on behalf of Italian Unity
with the following lay of —
PIUS AND PETER.
" Nan ppssumus," continually,
The POPE, persisting, says ;
" We cannot : " and some think that he
Affects St. Peter's phrase.
But Peter talked not in that way,
With ears to reason shut.
Quite the reverse did Peter say ;
He said, " We cannot hut."
The words entire which PETER spake
Would Pros speak as well,
A liberal offer he would take,
VICTOB EMMANUEL !
" Non possumus " he still would cry,
But also would augment,
And say as much as We comply : "
" We cannot but consent."
And then His Holiness, in his Pontifical robes, would " impeticos
the eratility" of 3,325,000 lire, merrily and wisely singing
"Lira la.'"
MANLY MILLINERY.
YOUNG ladies seem to dress now in a very gentlemanly manner,
at least if we may trust this fashionable intelligence : —
" As we prophesied last mouth, white muslin waistcoats, profusely em-
broidered and trimmed with lace, are very much admired for demi-toilette ;
they are lined with silk the same colour as the dress, or its ornaments, if the
latter are of a different hue."
An artist might do worse than take a hint from this new fashion,
if he had to illustrate TENNYSON'S Princess. " Sweet girl graduates
with golden hair" might be fittingly portrayed in academic
costume, whereof a white embroidered waistcoat formed a part con-
spicuous. Fast young female Undergrads might be depicted
wearing their waistcoats inside out, in order to display the colours
of their linings, which, like hat-ribbons, might serve to mark the
College Croquet Club whereto they were attached. Well, women
are gregarious, and it is no use to fight against the fashion. We can
only hope that the wearing of white waistcoats will not lead young
ladies, when they get a husband, to don a still more manly article
of dress.
Fie, Mr. Fergusson!
THE MISSES KIBKLINGTON have discontinued the Times. They
could no longer allow a paper to enter their doors which devoted a
considerable portion of its space to an article with such an objection-
able title as Hade Stone Monuments."
PSYCHOLOGICAL PHENOMENON.
A LiDT wrote of her lover who had become insane that " he had
gone out of his mind, but had never gone out of hers."
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APRIL 20, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
165
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
BIEKD3 SAHDFOHD
and M KKTON and
Mu. BARLOW at
Torcombe,
Oir the second
evening follow-
ing their arrival
at The Abbey
Boarding House
they were intro-
duced into a
crowded draw-
ing-room full of
the most elegant
company which
that part of the
country afforded ;
amongst whom
there were seve-
ral young gentle-
men ana ladies
of different ages,
who were, as
they were after-
wards informed,
on their way to
their various
scholastic esta-
blishments at
Bath, Bristol,
Clifton, or other
equally famous
localities.
MB. BAELOW,
than" whom no one was better acquainted with what was strictly
due to his own position and that of his young friends in the
company by whicn they now found themselves surrounded, was,
on this occasion, attired in an elegantly cut tail-coat made of a blue
cloth and ornamented with such bright brass buttons as would have
suggested to any one of an astronomical bent the idea of examining
the revered tutor of MASTERS TOMMY and HAILRY through no other
medium than that of a telescope.
As soon as MASTER TOMMY MERTON entered (whose father was
now universally.well knowB to be a very rich man), every tongue was
let loose in his praise. His eyes, his hair, his teeth, his every feature
was the admiration of all the ladies. Thrice did he make the circle
in «rder to receive the congratulations of the company on his per-
sonal appearance, and to be introduced to the young ladies staying
at the >f Abbey Boarding House."
As for HARRY, he had the good fortune to be taken notice of by
nobody except an old gentleman, who received him, in a corner, with
great cordiality, and presently proceeded to inquire what amount of
pocket-money might then be in his possession, and whether he had
ever acquired the knowledge of whist and other games. To which
questions HAHRY replied with so modest a bearing and such un-
affected simplicity as at once endeared him to his venerable com-
panion, who now promised to impart to him, after dinner, what
science at cards he himself possessed.
MR. BARLOW had, in the meantime, seated himself next to a
stout matronly lady, whose short fat fingers were bedecked with
rings of apparently enormous value, while her short neck was almost
concealed from view by such a quantity of gold chains and strings
of pearls as would have crushed a less delicate frame. Her plump
round arms were clasped by bracelets, and the miniature of a gentle-
man's.head and shoulders, about the size of a frontispiece to a piece of
music, glittered upon her bosom. This lady inquired of MR. BAHLOW
if thai (pointing with her fan to HARRY), was the little ploughboy
whom his teaching had so vastly improved.
MR. BASLOW answered her that she was indeed right.
" I protest," said the lady, " I should 'ave thought so, not
judginf so much from what I've 'eard, but from his plebeing
haspeck and vulgar hair."
Indeed," exclaimed another lady on ME. BARLOW'S right hand,
"you must be a vastly wonderful instructor to have effected so
great marvels with such unpromising materials."
MB. BARLOW acknowledged these courtesies with a profound bow
towards both ladies, who thereupon raised their fans, and, for a
moment, were compelled to blush beneath the eloquent gaze of the
young lads' tutor.
"My daughter MATILDA," said the first lady, "is about MASTER
MERTON'S age, and 'as'[received a hexcellent heducation." " And
my SOPHO.NISBA, too," replied her friend, " plays divinely on the
piano, and talks French, and draws to perfection."
MR. BARLOW now informed the two ladies that what they had
heard of MASTER MKRTON'S wealth, and of his own influence with
his pupil's parents, was strictly in accordance with fact. He added,
with a fervent sigh, that, alas ! for himself he was a widower ; but
that nothing would be so consonant with his own feelings as to be
united to some worthy and tender companion, who had been left by
providence with a daughter, who would thus afford for MASTER
MKKTON that soothing and refining influence which was the only
thing wanting to perfect his character, and which, alas! in his
own house, he had been hitherto unable to give him.
While this conversation was going on in one part of the room, a
young lady, observing that nobody except the old gentleman, who
was now talking to tomebodjr elae, had taken the slightest notice of
HARRY, advanced towards him, and addressing him with the
utmost affability, inquired after the state of his health, the condition
j of his appetite, and his opinion of affairs in general. HARRY, who
was unaccustomed to female society, did not at first know what the
young lady meant by terming him little Cockalorum," and was at
! a loss how to reply to her inquiries as to whether he was " slow " or
" fast," and if he " smoked and played billiards and blind hookey.
Bat as this young lady possessed an uncommon degree of natural
benevolence of character, and as MASTER HARRY had been endued
by Nature with that innate politeness, and readiness of wit, without
which all artificial acquirements are more offensive than agreeable,
he soon felt himself quite at his ease, and made so many smart
replies in the course of conversation, that Miss SMUDGKIKS (for that
was the young lady's name) protested she should either be obliged
to box his ears, or should be compelled to complain to her uncle,
who, she gave him to understand was no other than the old gentle-
man who nad so kindly noticed him on his arrival.
Miss SMUDGKINS was reported to be of Italian descent, and had
been for years under the care of her estimable uncle, the REVERKWD
XKNOTHELUS POTTS. This gentleman had such peculiar notions of
female character, that he considered no lady properly educated who
had not been brought up in his own fashion.
He made his niece always rise in the dark, without fire or candle-
light, at all seasons of the year, and took care that she should
invariably walk five miles and then swim eight before breakfast.
He called her SUKEY, though her name was ISABELLA ; and he had
himself taught her the mouth-organ, and a few tunes on the
comb and paper, on both of which instruments she was no mean
proficient.
She knew enough French to reply with confidence " Wee tray
bang," or to ask with simplicity, " Polly TOO frarngsy," " for,"
said this excellent uncle, " I do not intend her to marry a French
barber, or valet, or dancing-master, and if she can only make toffy,
a batter pudding, and darn my old buttons, that 's enough for me
or any other Englishman."
Such had been the education of Miss SMtrooKUfs, who was the
only one of all the fine company, with the exception of her worthy
uncle, that thought HARRY deserving the least attention.
But now the company wag summoned to the important business
of dinner " which,' Miss SMUDGKINS explained to HARHY, " is a sort
of tabbley doat, where we all mesa together ; so you hook on to me,
, and we '11 sit together."
HAURY could not help sighing when he reflected on what he should
probably have to undergo. However, he determined to be«r it with
all imaginable fortitude, especially as he saw his friend TOMMY
gallantly escorting a beautiful fair-haired girl considerably taller
I than himself, and liis beloved tutor, MR. BARLOW, almost concealed
behind the expansive flounces of the stout elderly lady to whom he
, had already been paying considerable attention.
The gong now sounded, and they proceeded to cross the hall to
enter the spacious dining-room.
AN ILL-READ PARABLE.
THIS is from a Manchester paper : —
A TRADESMAN, who has over-stocked, asks twenty Ladies to help
him, by buying each £5 of DRAPBKY, and to act the good Samaritan.
Samples on application. Address, &c.
A cool and ingenious tradesman this (and certainly not " over-
stocked " with bashf illness), but there may be a word to say in some-
body else's interests. His notions of good Samaritanism are rather
one-sided. Ladies usually spend money earned by other persons.
Now the good Samaritan's oil and wine and twopence were his own.
At least we are not aware that he took them from anybody else at
Jerusalem or Jericho. To the latter district we should therefore be
inclined, were we a Manchester husband or father, to request the
advertiser to go.
16C
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
20, 1872.
OUR BRILLIANT FINISH
(ON UUB LAST DAT)
WHEN WE NEARLY GOT POUNDED, BUT ONE OP THE IEJT FELLOWS O(TT SHOWED US TBE WAT AT SOME STIFFI8H POSTS AND RAILS.
"WHO'LL MARCH THRO' COVENTRY?"
TBUE Bills, for Perjury and Forgery, have been found against the
Man in Newgate, and he lies there for trial. Therefore, Mr. Punch
proposes to say no more upon the subject until the verdict shall be
pronounced, unless anybody's impudence shall make it expedient, in
the interest of society, to remind everybody of what has already
taken place. But as subscriptions for the Man's defence are being
constantly solicited, and lists are published, an occasional excerpt
therefrom may be amusing, as illustrative of the order of mind of
certain classes of the community. The following items are from the
Daily Telegraph of Thursday, the llth of April :—
£ >. d. £ s. d.
B. M. B., who believes the Colney Hatch, Middlesex .100
tattooing to be a got-up Anti-tattoo Humbug . .100
Popish plot . . .500 Purge the Bench of Judges 100
From the Cabdrivers of the
Great Eastern Railway,
per William Giles . . 1 17 6
One who considers a Bench
Warrant should not have
issued, as there was no
verdict . . . .220
From a few Income-tax
payers, who protestagainst
the prostitution of the
public funds by filling
the pockets of six coun-
sel to prosecute in this
case . . . . 1 10 0
Several disgusted with
Judge, Jury, and Attor-
ney-General . . ,130
Penny Subscription from
the Customers of a Pawn-
Colney Hatch, Middlesex .
Anti-tattoo Humbug .
Purge the Bench of Judges
Nine Livery Servants,
Lovers of Justice and
Fair Play
One who considers that
neither the Judge, At-
torney-General, nor Jury
should ever sit again
A few " Favourite " Omni-
bus Drivers and Con-
ductors ....
A few Workmen, no Ad-
mirers of Justice Bovill .
Believers in the mill trick,
broker
100
employed in Portsmouth
Dockyard
From a few Young Ladies
at School who wish to
see justice done to the
Claimant
All Men are Fools
1 0 0
0 14 0
0 15 0
0 15 0
1 7 9
0 15
0 10
£ i. d.
A Real Englishman, who
prays " God defend the
Right" . . • . 0 10 6
A few Sympathisers . . 0 11 0
To help Sir Roger to a fair
trial . . . .0110
A few Lovers of Justice and
three Servant Girls . 0 12 0
Nine Friends who believe
the Claimant to be a per-
secuted man . . . 0 10 6
A few Cabmen . . .080
A Believer in eighty-five
Witnesses against a few
Jesuits . . . .076
Boys of th-> Metropolitan
Fire Brigade, Wellclose
Square . . . .070
Detesters of Bovill-justice .070
Twelve Honest Jurymen .060
From Four who pity Roger
much . . . .056
Wagga Wagga . . .056
Anti Noodle Tirrany (sic) .050
C. M., no faith in his Lord-
ship's Tattooing . .050
£ >. d.
Two who think the Tattoo
Marks a Conspiracy .050*
Five shillings worth of
Salts for the Attorney-
General . . . .050
Confusion to Villany . .050
Three who fear the Attor-
ney-General has Tattoo
on the Brain . . .046
Enemies of Persecution .046-
Catching Minnows with the
Left Hand . . .040
Judge Jeffreys and his Jury
coming to Life again .036
Liberals who Protest against
Coleridge being Attorney-
General any longer .030
From Friends at tie White
Lion, but no Cheats .026
Arundel, who is Robbed of
both his Title and Estates 026
One who desires the Claim-
ant's food to be analysed 0 2 &
From one who knows he is
Sir R. Tichborne . .016
Flashing Sword ! . .016
The Substance of Soldiership.
THERE may, perhaps, be some room for improvement in the mili-
tary efficiency of our Volunteers. The one thing, however, of all
things most needful to place them anywhere nearly on a level, in
point of soldiership, with the troops of the Line, would probably be
pronounced by some of their professional critics, if those gallant
officers would speak their minds, to be Pipeclay.
APRIL 20, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
167
WHEN MUSIC, HEAVENLY MAID, WAS YOUNG,"
IN FACT, VERY YOUNG INDEED.
THE Music OF THE FUTURK is THE MISERY OF THK PRESENT — WOULD IT WERE
A MBMORY OF THE PAST I
[SucA, at least, art little Mabel 's Sentiments.
WORDS TO A WIFE.
LOVE, thou 'rt like yet unlike mutton,
Likewise beef, and veal, and lamb.
Do not answer that the glutton
I bespeak me that I am.
They in price, year after year, are
liming, thou must needs allow ;
Batchers meat grows ever dearer :
So, and yet nut so, dost thou.
For although my annual payment
To my Butcher waxeth still,
Less and less each time for raiment,
Wanes thy Linendraper's bill.
Thus by thrift expense thou meetest ;
Whence thy wisdom doth appear :
Also, that I find thee, Sweetest,
Cheaper btill and still more dear.
THE PEOPLE AND THEIR PARK.
PEBADVBNTURE the Parks Bill would be rendered
more gracious to MR. ODGER and the People who like to
stand under him if it were altered so as to offer them a
certain compromise. That is to say, suppose it is made
absolutely to prohibit all public meetings m Hyde Park,
and all .the other Parks in the West of London, where
they create terror, alarm, and annoyance in the minds
of the neighbouring inhabitants, and of the majority of
the frequenters of those places of resort, whilst it
legalises any such assemblies in Victoria Park, whereof
they interest the surrounding population generally, and
wherein they frighten or offena nobody.
A Base Calumny.
SOMEBODY has dared to publish, in a record of agricul-
tural wages, that in Burton Union the labourers received
twelve shillings a week and two quarts of cider.
Cider in Burton ! BASS to the rescue 1
And BASS has foamed over, and repelled the foul
calumny— declaring that if two quarts of cider be drunk
in the Burton Union in a twelvemonth, he will be con-
tent that the Union be put, for all time to come, out of
the pale (ale) of civilisation !
LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.
SEVERAL important new works are on the eve of publication.
PROFESSOR MACQUEERIE'S long and eagerly expected Monograph,
which has occupied its learned author for more than fourteen years
and a-half, during which period he has never taken any other
stimulant than whiskey and water, may be looked for any day. It
deals with one of the most interesting epochs of the pre-civilised
age, and bears the attractive title of Pictures of the Picts.
Recent experiments, conducted under the auspices of the Royal
Farinaceous Society, prove beyond a doubt that " the glutinous and
granular substance obtained from the roots of the Cassava plant " is
a sure prophylactic against lassitude and low spirits when taken in
conjunction with the best brandy.
The Serioscopic Company are about to publish a selection of
photographs of the Fathers (carte de vistte size), taken from
authentic pictures, busts, gems, intaglios, and black shades.
Rumours continue to gain ground of projected new theatres at
Snephcrd's Bush, Ball's Pond, Peckham llye, West Brompton, and
Shad well.
Miss MINNIE MALTRAVEBS, Miss LOTTIE DE LATOAY, and Miss
COIJNIE Frrx-AsHURST are specially engaged for the new burlesque
of OKvtr Cromtrell at the Frivolities.
A new trade publication, with novel features, the Greengrocer and
Occasional Waiter, is announced to appear at irregular intervals
during the London season.
SIONOR TBILLISI has-been suffering: from a succession of severe
colds in the head, accompanied with violent sneezing^its (the con-
sequences of our treacherous climate), since his arrival in Leicester
Square from the principal Continental Opera Houses, to fulfil an
important metropolitan engagement. Under the skilful treatment
of MR. MraTo LAMB, M.R.C.S. and L.A.C., the Signor is now con-
valescent, and will make his first appearance in this country in a
favourite rule at the Bloomsbury Music Hall on Whit Monday.
MH. THAKDT/T* HIGGLE&WOKTH is engaged on a new libretto for
Punch and Judy. A dress rehearsal will take place on an early day
in one of the riverain streets of the Strand. ;
The discovery in the older pliocene beds of Bedfordshire (formed,
we need not remind eur non-geological readers, of successive accu-
mulations of blue lias and London clay, interspersed with phosphoric
nodules) of a waistcoat button, seems to point to the existence of
man at a period long anterior to the dates hitherto current in
geological circles, and will probably lead to a serious revolution in
anthropological science, and to a great outbreak of controversial
literature, and personal attacks.
The forthcoming Royal Academy Exhibition is likely to prove one
of even more than average interest. The majority of the Acade-
micians and Associates will be represented on the walls and floors of
Burlington House, Piccadilly, in company with most of Sox rising
and risen painters, sculptors, architects, and engravers, and a large
proportion of those who, as it has been well observed, hive yet to
win their spurs in the lists of Fame. Several new names will
appear for the first time in the Catalogue, which will be printed,
as in previous years, by MESSRS. CLOWES, and sold at the usual
price of a shilling. We ore glad to hear of further reforms in the
Academy. It is understood that the Council ore preparing an agree-
able surprise for the public in the shape of on entirely new series of
numbers, to replace those now used for the umbrellas, sticks, and
parasols, temporarily deposited with the Academy's officers : and
which are said to be as old as the presidency of MR. BKXJ\MIN
WEST. Several meetings have been held to devise some more simple
and expeditious method of attaching these numbers to the umbrellas,
&c., than that which is now adopted (by the agency of string), but at
present, we regret to have to add, without success. The Hanging
Committee ore hard at work, and passing sleepless nights.
Happy Ilan be's Dole.
THOUGH now the Tichborne dole no more takes place,
The Tichborne Claimant lies in doleful case.
A MOEAIIST'S LAST REMARK.
THERE are few actions of my past life which I recal with any
pleasure, except instances of having defeated attempts to take me in.
168
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[ArEiL 20, 1872.
TRAGEDY AT THE COUNTER.
mer (distinctly). " I WANT A PAIR o» MORNING KID GLOVBS— LAVENDBB-NOT SHTCHED AT THE BACK : SIZE, EIGHT-AND-
TflREE-QuARTBBS." Shopman (as usual). "SiR?" Customer (sternly). " DID you HEAR WHAT I SAID I "
Shopman. " PAIK OF LAVENDER GLOVES, PLAIN, EIGHT-AND-THREE-QUARTERS ? "
[Customer nods, and exit. May the Lesson be blessed to Shopmen/
A BISHOP ON BITTER BEEK.
THE two most sensible big-wigs now speaking are, as we take it,
the BISHOP OF MANCHESTER among the clergy, and the EABL OF
DERBY among the laity, of the Upper Ten. The Bishop, measured
by bench-mark, seems a marvel of courage and sense. He thinks
nothing of calling a spade a spade, looking an ugly fact in the face,
confronting a meeting of factory hands or of roughs, and speaking
his mind to them, which mind is generally much to the point, and
such as sensible people can say " ditto " to. Without forfeiture
of due reverence for religious teaching and truth, he can rise above
religious' prejudice and religious difference in talking about edu-
cation ; and on this sore point, as on others, seems free alike from
episcopal twitters and ecclesiastical bitters. He has been heard to
admit the necessity of amusement, and even to rejoice that it can be
found, wholesome and good, in a well-managed Manchester theatre.
And only the other day he stood his ground, in a stormy meeting,
between the well-to-do citizens of Manchester, who wish to see
public-houses better regulated, and the roughs and rowdies who, on
pretext of defending the poor man from being robbed of his beer,
are egged on by the low publican to stand up for the freedom of
MB. BUNG to debauch and poison his customers, without check of
policeman or control of analyst.
At this meeting the Bishop actually admitted having sat down to
a quiet Innch, after a charity sermon, and relieved the exhaustion
of preaching with a glass of bitter beer !
It is as refreshing, as it is rare, to see a Bishop thus stooping to
the " common things " of lay life, and revealing under his lawn
sleeves the broadcloth of a Briton and a brother, instead of the
feathers of an alien angel.
In a word, the Very Reverend of Manchester is precisely the sort of
Bishop Manchester wants, to show Shoddy that religious zeal may
coexist with sound common-sense and a clear head for business ;
that manners, education, and piety are not necessarily incompatible
with manhood; and that high-place in Ihe Church may be main-
tained without blinking facts or fearing to hear or speak plain
truth, however unpalatable.
Let us hope that BISHOP FBAZER is a normal type of the Bishop of
the future, the spiritual overseer as he is to be !
For the moment, with all Mr. Punch's respect for the Bench, he
is at a loss to find a match-prelate, to run in a curricle with DR.
FRAZER, except DB. TEMPLE.
Both are from the Gladstone stables, and we earnestly hope there
are more of the same sort where they came from.
0,
" A SONG OF THE SEASON."
AIB— " The Meeting of the iratert."
's not in the West-End a valet so sweet
\j IJlfiKK, D 11VL 111. UJ-iC fT ^OU— J-Ji-aV*. ** »«*iwu "•-
As our JEAMES when with drawing-room bouquet complete ;
With the light " ceil de poudre " on his side-curls so smart,
And where his back-hairs so symmetrically part !
'Tis not that he shows his six feet all serene,
In the reddest of red and the greenest of green :
'Tis not his grands airs— gazing nursemaids that kill —
0 no, it is something more wonderful still !
'Tis the thought how amazing a product is bred
From the finest of shapes and the emptiest head,
When in folly's first flight launched to dazzle the eye,
Clad in all that 's most foolish of fashions gone by !
Most fragrant of valets, sought Folly a nest,
The sweetest she 'd find in thy Glenfield-starched breast T
Rotten Row shall be riderless, Kensington dark,
Ere the calves of that valet are driven from the Park !
mated by Joieph Smith, of Ho. M, Holford Square, In th« Parlih of t>t. JamM. Cle raenweu. In the Conntr of Middletei, it th« Printing O«oe« ol Mem. Bradbury, BTUI. * Co.. Lontbirl
Street, in the Pr .• ;iact of Wtitefrtari, lothe City of London, and Publlihed or him at No.H, Fleet Street, In the Fariih of St. Briae, Citr of London.— SxirnsaT, April », 1B71.
27, IST2.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1C9
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
OMUY, April 15. — Appeal (from the French
Latin appel/n) was tne topic of the evening:, in the
Lords. Faithful to his custom of introducing a
quotation, in or out of season, to a non-reading age,
Mr. Punch has glanced into the drawers of his memory for a line in which the
word occurs. Such a line instantly presents itself, of course, and that it has
no kind of bearing on, or connection with, the matter in hand is an advantage.
" Then, cloaking hate with fiery zeal,
Proud LORNR thus answered the Appeal,
' Thou eom'st, 0 holy man ! ' "
Lord of the Tiki.
Refer to the passage, and you will find that it leads, as passages should, to
something worth reaching. This is the splendidly dramatic situation in which
the priest, who was about to curse THE BBUCE, is over-mastered by an inspira-
tion, and blesses him in a noble and prophetic strain. But the business in the
Lords ? Ah, true. Well, LORD IlATHEKLEr proposes to construct a new Grand
Court of Appeal, and to dp away with the Appellate Jurisdiction of the House
of Lords. Retired but still able lawyers are to form the principal members of
the Court, but any Lord who may rightfully be called Learned is to be qualified.
The plan has to be carefully considered, and when their Lordships discuss it
in detail, Mr. Punch will cast his illuminating beams upon the topic.
MR. AYRTON has decreed that the old houses in Abingdon Street, close to the
Palace of Westminster, shall be pulled down within the month. Thanks, ./Kdile,
but they ought to have fallen long ago. Do you recollect a quotation so
miraculously introduced by LORD MACAUT.AY at a dinner-party given just after
some edifices had tumbled down in Tottenham Court Road, and at which party
an American lady, whose theological views were not over-orthodox, put them
forward over-fluently ?
" Here falling houses thunder on your head,
And there a female Atheist talks you dead."
It is alleged that sundry officers in the Ninth Lancers have made things
unpleasant for a gentleman who joined on the strength of having passed a
brilliant examination, and not by purchase. Also that the COMMANDER-IN-
CHIEF has given it to the offenders rather hot. The papers are to be moved for
—let us wait for them. Mr. Punch rather likes Spangled Officers, if they
do not shake their spangles too proudly, and he is ever loth to be harsh with
them, but discipline must be maintained.
" And Britons rarely swerve
From law, however stern, which tends their force to nerve."
This night began anew the Ballot Battles, which ere the week was spent
resulted in an extraordinary cropper for the Cabinet. The case is this. The
authors of the Ballot Bill, in their great zeal and tenderness for the unfortunate
persons who are afraid or ashamed to vote publicly, are tremendously hard upon
the majority of Her Majesty's faithful Elector-subjects, who have also been
accustomed so to vote, and wno detest secresy. It was proposed to inflict dire
and terrible punishment upon anybody who should raise the Isis veil of the
Ballot— (A propos of Isis, wnat says LOED LTTTON ?
" From vulgar eves a veil the Isis screens,
And fools on fools still ask what HAMLET means.")
and to-night there came on the clause for giving two years' imprisonment, with
or without hard labour, to any person who should irregularly take out a Ballot-
paper. This creation of a new offence, and visiting it with about eight times
as much vengeance as is poured on a ruffian who batters his wife to pieces,
aroused a good deal of wrath. Both the BBNTJNCKS, for
whom Punch does not profess habitual adoration, tpoke
manfully uuainst it, as did LORD E. CECIL and MK.
BjUBFoi:!- Hoi'K. But the Government carried this by
203 to i:..', majority 51.
" ' But hope not thou,' said Turnu», ' when I strike,
To shun thy fate, our force U not alike.' "
Tnrnus means VERNON HARCOURT— r<>>, . MK.
WEST tried to get six months, instead oi
scribed, but lie failed. Howrv, r, Mil. I
to insert a provision that the act must be fraudulent.
More strife and struggle, and j. •Ton-
alities, MR. J. HAKDV intorminir M H. ;- • 'hat he
got into the House by undue influence -however, Mn.
HOVHAM-CARTER caused that expression tb be "took
back."
lint, now begin to take notice, like tho little baV>i»-.«.
MIL 1. KM HAM moved that no voti r ntt< r n-ni'
vote on the Ballot-paper should wilfully •'
as to make known now he voted. '1
opposed this (coupled as it was tlty of
being sent to prison), and so did s
MB. FAWCETT, who declared that the instinct* of
England would never lot. a man he put into gaol merely
for performing a public dnty openly ni;
But Government adopted the tyrannical W"Opo#nl, :ind
after a bungled division another was InKen, and the
numbers were 167 to 166, the majority for MK. V. HAR-
corKT and against MR. GLADSTONE One. Whereat then?
were huge Opposition cheers. Jtespice finem, we repeat.
Tuesday. — We told you that KAKI. Nn.sos, sometime
ago, said that he expected every man to take his seat in
church. We waited his explanation. He has a Bill,
which the Archbishop said was aimed "at a real griev-
ance. The object is to preserve sundry free seat* in a
state of freedom. A pfopag of anything von like, what
an odd way the foul fiend had of tempting I'mir Turn,
in King Lear, by "putting halters in his pew." If a
gentleman in church were suddenly si •/• d with a desire
to hang himself (and perhaps SHAxMjpx knew what
kind of dementing sermons can be preached) the place is
most unsuitable for such a purpose. Even a beadle
would have almost sense enough to prevent its being
carried out.
LOBD KIMBEBUBY, the Colonial Secretary, introduced
the new Licensing Bill, in the House of Lords. BAN-
DERSNATCH, who has no reverence, supposes that his
Lordship was selected to deal with the spirit-shops be-
cause his motto is " A-frin-court." Let BANDERSNATCH
be anathema. It was right to give the Lords something
to do. Of the Bill, of which we had heard much, we
shall not say much, yet. The points be these : —
Existing rights not to be disturbed.
As regards new licences, those granted by County
Magistrates not to be valid unless confirmed by
a Special Committee of Quarter Sessions.
In boroughs where there are not more than nine
Justices, they are to have juris-diction; when
more than nine, they are to appoint a Special
Committee, but its acts are to oe confirmed by
the whole body and by the Home Secretary.
Various appeals are provided.
London Public-houses to be shut from midnight till
VII. in the morning.
In towns with fewer tnan 10,000 people, from X.
Over that population, from XL to VII.
On Sundays, no houses to open till I. London
houses to shut at XL ; in the second case at IX.,
and in the third at i.
Well, you know, that won't rfo. We mean, parti-
cularly, the Hours regulation. Mr. Punch knows and
cares nothing about anybody's wants and comf Tts but
his own, and if everybody would mind his own business,
everybody's business would be minded. Mr. Punch's it
to say that the Opera is very often not over till XII., or
a little later (if MEYERBEER'S learned sock be on), and
he likes to hear the end, and if he is not to be allowed
to go round to the Albion for a silver flagon of beer, —
" One drop, the last, to cool him for the weed,"
he will become an International Republican Co-operative
Democratic Communist. More of this anon. The Second
Reading is for the second of May.
TOL.
170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
. [APRIL 27, 1872.
"A WORM WILL TURN."
Miss Cramfie (Governess at the Squire's, who plays the Organ at Church, and
coaches up the Choir). " MB. JOKKINS, YOTJ ALWAYS TAKE UP THAT ' LEAD IN
THE ANTHEM to DREADFULLY FLAT ! "
Mr. Jorkins (with a Afodeity rare in a Tenor). " WELL, WE^DBW, Miss ; BUT—
YOU BBE ME. MANGLES AND ME AIN'T Silts REEVES, Miss!"
A SMILE IN EXETER HALL.
KINO STEPHEN was a worthy Peer. So is the EARL OF
SHAFTESBURT. Worthy of the Peerage everybody knows
him to be. But everybody does not know him to be
worthy of Punch. Know, therefore, everybody, by these
presents, how Punchworthy the noble EAKL is. For hath
le not said the thing which is pleasant ? Yea. verily ;
and in Exeter Hall too. Therein, presiding, on Tuesday
night, last week, at the seven-and-twentieth annual
meeting of the Young Men's Christian Association,
and: —
"Speaking of an (illusion made by the REV. HUGH HANNA
to the possibility of tome of the young men present bung
elevated in the course of the next forty or fifty years to the
>eerage, LORD SHAFTESIUJRY said he doubted whether the dema-
•ogue§ of Trafalgar Square would allow that venerable assembly,
'he House of Lords, to sit so long. But, in the event of the
proposal for the creation of life-peerages being again brought
'orward, he should, he thought, move an address to the QUEEN,
Draying that the two most notorious speakers on that point
should be created respectively EMU, op TRAFALGAR SQUARE
and BARON HYDE PARK."
Is LORD SHAFTESBURY also among the jokers ? There
were probably many amongst his Lordship's hearers to
whom that question presented itself in those words. J
may be answered that he is indeed. Ditlce est desinere
in loco, and Exeter Hall is a locus, a locus in quo there
is such a deal of serious talking as to need being a little
enlivened occasionally by a flash of mild merriment.
The Cuckoo.
(DR. WATTS, adapted to an uncertain Spring time.)
'Tis the voice of the Cuckoo
I heard him come, plain ;
But he came here too soon, —
Shall I hear him again ?
Rather 'Tether.
SBRJEANT BALLANTINE pleads as a reason for letting
the Claimant out on bail that, " as the question will be
one of his identity with ARTHTJB ORION, it will be
necessary that he should see his witnesses." We should
have thought that all that would be necessary would be
that the witnesses should see him.
Do you know what Local Taxation means ? Ratepayers, who
undergo it, do perfectly well, and do not " rejoice therefore. To-
night they made SIR MASSEY LOPEZ their champion. He explained
well, in fact
" Loosed all their bars of Massey light,"
and after a long debate, in which ME. STANSFELD, for Government,
opposed him, he inflicted upon the said Government an extraordinary
defeat. He carried a resolution for the re-adjustment of such taxa-
tion by 259 to 159— majority against Ministers, One Hundred .' Of
course, heaps of Liberals stayed away, because they were ashamed
to sustain the present unrighteous system.
Wednesday.— SIB SELWIN IBBETSON had another Licensing Bill,
and Members talked over it, until the time for rising came. It will,
however, be considered alongside of the Government one, so no more
at present on either head.
Thursday.— The American question has, of course, cropped up
several times, but there is nothing particular to say on it, save that
Counter-cases have been exchanged, England utterly repudiating
the Indirect Claims.
It had been very emphatically stated by the Daily Telegraph that
PRINCE VON BISMARCK had sent to Paris an ultimatum, menacing a
renewal of the war, if the French persisted in arming hugely, with
intention of " revenge." MB. GLADSTONE " believed " to-night that
no information to this effect had been received by the Government,
an answer by no means of a re-assuring sort. Nothing would sur-
prise us less than such action by Germany, only that France is her
debtor in an awful sum, and it is not wise in a creditor to jeopardise
his claims.
Xow then.
" The cannon is pointed, and ready to roar,
And crumble the wall it had shaken before,"
We resumed the Ballot. MR. VEENON HABCOTJBT, in refer-
ence to MR. LEATHAM'S amendment, proposed to put "with
corrupt intent" into the clause about displaying the paper. ME.
FOBSTEE would not accept this, and MR. HABCOTTRT delivered one of
his best and most incisive speeches, making vast fun of Government
for insisting on such penalties as now absolutely and vitally neces-
sary, when they had not been inserted in the Bill the Lords had
been abused for throwing over. ME. LEATHAM stuck to his own
form, Liberal after Liberal opposed him, and MB. GLADSTONE
advocated MR. LEATHAM'S amendment in the most earnest way.
But even MR. GILPIN, one of the most sincere of MR. GLADSTONE'S
friends, abandoned him, as did MR. CHILDERS and MR. BOTJVEBIE,
and on division the numbers were— for the LEATHAM motion, 246 ;
against it, 274 ; majority against Government, 28.
MR. GLADSTONE, appealed to by MB. OSBOBNE, reproachfully called
the attention of his friends to the Tory cheers. He was ready to
part with the provision rather than part with the Bill. The latter
should be pressed with unabated vigour.
We should like to cite something magnificent and worthy^of this
tremendous crisis. But we can recal nothing but TOM HOOD'S —
" What do you think of that, my Cat,
What do you think of that, my Dog ? "
Friday. — Parsons, Oysters, and Mussels occupied their Lordships
for a couple of hours. For the two former classes of our fellow-
creatures we have the utmost respect, especially when the parsons
Slve pearls and the oysters do not open their mouths indiscreetly,
ut that the Peers of England should bemean themselves by men-
tioning Mussels! we are ashamed of the Senate.
The wrongs of the Negroes in Cuba, of the Jews in Roumania,
and of the Biscuit-eaters in the Navy, occupied their Commoner-
ships. The latter subject prompts a Shakspearian parody, with
which Mr. Punch closes his ornate record :—
" The hoy replied, ' An angel is not evil,
I should have feared her had she been a Weevil.' "
Love's Labour's Lost.
APBIL 87, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
171
Vf-
ONE OF THE "SYMPATHIZERS.
Jeamcs. "I'M AFRAID, ME LADY, I'LL RFQIIIRE TO LEAVE YOU." Lady.
Jeames. " WELL, ME LADY, I CAN'T AOIIRE WITH MASTER'S BUCKASMS AGAINST THAT POOK PERSECUTED Sin EOQEB."
EPITHALAMIUM IN GENERAL.
JUST now o" mornings with what din of bells resoundeth air !
How are St. George's clergy worked in Hanover's gay Square !
Day after day how long the list of weddings in the Times
Doth strike your eye as your ear is struck by the music of the chimes !
Hey ? What ! Has there occurred of late a fall in the price of bread,
That to Church doth make the people rush so furiously, and wed ?
Perhaps ; but there 's evermore a burst of the after-Easter tide,
With the Lcnt-dums down, and the channel free for the bridegroom
and the bride.
What Alps of snow-clad semblance would arise on every hand
If wedding-cakes upon wedding-cakes were piled about the land !
What acres broad might wedding-feasts be spread on o'er each plain,
Chicken and lobster-salad amid rivers of champagne I
What hosts of human beings now each other daily bless !
O happy thought to estimate their sum of happiness !
How long to last, on all the pairs around you look, and see,
Young folks, and know ye that as they are now so you will be.
It is a goodly sight to gaze upon a bridal show,
Demonstrating unshaken faith in a Paradise below.
Forefend all fond young couples, Gracious Goodness, from mischance,
May none of them ever come to crave the help of LOED PENZANCE !
Stuff of the conscience 'tis to fast from wedlock during Lent ;
No time to marry being that which time is to repent.
But marriage, when past Easter, is esteemed the thing to do,
Nowise fearful that repentance of the bargain will ensue.
3 the wedding-bells throughout the land do make a merry noise,
A sound it is which the raptured ear of Sympathy enjoys,
And away with PKOFESSOK PCMPKINS, whose rcllection it compels
The more wedding-peals there be rung, the more •will be tolled,
hereafter, knells.
CONVERSE DEMONSTRATION.
IT is proposed that, before the tyrannical Government Parks Bill
shall have passed the Lords, the middle and upper classes, taking a
lesson from those that constitute the basis of Society, shall assemble
in their thousands, and march through the streets on a Sunday in
procession to Victoria Park, there to hold a demonstration with the
object of enforcing the immediate repeal of the Income-tax. The
demonstrators will comprise a very large number of persons, clerks
and other people of respectability with slender or precarious incomes,
on foot, as well as numerous gentlemen and ladies in carriages and
on horseback ; and they will proceed to and return from their des-
tination with banners emblazoned with coats of arms flying, and
violins and pianos playing ; whilst a chorus, with band in attend-
ance, will keep on singing" Viva la Liberia .' " and other appro-
priate operatic selections. By this display of numbers and deter-
mination it is hoped that a section of Society at present subject to
the injustice of inquisitorial confiscation will succeed in obtaining
for themselves the concession of equality before the tax-gatherer.
Well Classed.
IN an article headed "The Agricultural Labour Question," we
read, among other news of the "movement," that "the Newmarket
trainers have advanced the wages of their men from Us. to 1G»."
This is the first time we ever saw Newmarket trainers figure as
agricultural employers, and their men as agricultural labourers.
But the classification may be defended. If our labourers are serfs,
what are trainers' labourers but adscripts gkba: f Isn't their work
altogether of the turf, turfy P
FROM OCR DOMESTIC PET IDIOT.
WHAT is the difference between a Sofa and its fair occupants ? —
About the difference between an Ottoman and a knot-o'-womcu !
172
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1872.
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
MR. BARLOW and MASTERS SAMDFORD and MBRTOH continue their
" Evenings from Home " at Torcombe A bbey Boarding-House.
THE dinner was, if possible, more
dreadful than anything HARRY had
before undergone. A card was placed
before him announcing the names of
the numerous viands with which the
company were about to be regaled.
This card was highly ornamented with tradesmen's advertisements
intended for the perusal of the guests, and MASTER HARRY would
have been vastly entertained, had he not been so alarmed by the
novelty of his position, on observing that a most prominent place
was given to an advertisement of a Medical Hall in Torcombe,
the assistance of which establishment might, it was foreseen, not
improbably be required by those who indulged too freely in the
luxuries provided by the Abbey Boarding-House.
There was indeed such an apparatus of dishes which HARRY had
never tasted before, and which almost made him ill when he did
taste them, all in their order, one after the other. Then there were
so many powdered servants in gorgeous liveries standing behind
their chairs, and such pomp and solemnity about what seemed the
easiest thing in the world, that HARRY could not help thinking to
himself how infinitely preferable it would have been had all these
savoury dishes and wines been left entirely to himself, without
the interference of these grand footmen, and the presence of so
many fine ladies and gentlemen, whose conversation, mingling with
the bustle of the menials, distracted his attention from the meal,
and indeed prevented him from obtaining two servings of any one
particular dish which more than others seemed to suit his palate.
Miss SMUDGKINS now pointed out to him how many of the names
were in French, with the use of which language the Housekeeper
of the Abbey Boarding-House was only moderately acquainted.
The soup, HARRY was asked to observe, was called Fembon Potage,
and an Elderly Gentleman, who had been a considerable traveller,
now stated, that, in some parts of France, this was known as Soup
il la bonne femme, to which MASTER TOMMY, who had been received
amidst the circle of the ladies as a prodigy of wit and ingenuity,
replied, that "many people were of a different opinion, and for his
part he considered it more in accordance with the rules of good
breeding to observe some prudence in offering a remark, than to
show considerable alacrity in venturing an assertion, which the cir-
cumstances of the case did not warrant, and to which the majority
of the company were in no mind to listen."
The Elderly Gentleman, whom MB. BAELOW now perceived by his
dress and accent to be an inhabitant of Scotland, was much abashed
at this rebuke, and during the remainder of the repast would not
utter so much as a single word.
In consequence of this success, which elicited rapturous applause
from the company (to whom it had been conveyed that MASTER
TOMMY'S father was a very wealthy man), the young gentleman's
volubility increased so much, that, before dinner was over, he seemed
disposed to engross the whole conversation to himself, and MR.
BARLOW, who did not enjoy the sallies of his young pupil so greatly
as the ladies around him, was once or twice minded to interpose and
check him in his career. This the widow-lady, whose name was
MRS. BLOBBSOMER, and whose daughter MATILDA was MASTER
TOHMY'S right-hand neighbour, thought very hard, and tapping
MR. BARLOW playfully on the knuckles with her ivory fan, expressed
herself to him that he " would honly spoil MASTER TOMMY'S temper
by such bin judicious contradiction, which she never could put up
with from an 'usband, has hit halways hinvariably flew to 'er 'ed."
This hint MR. BARLOW received in such good part, and, indeed,
made so ingenious a 'reply, as to obtain for him another sprightly
tap from MRS. BLOBBSOMER'S fan.
After dinner the usual loyal toasts were proposed by the oldest
member of the company, and responded to by MASTER TOMMY, and
also by MR. BARLOW, who, in acknowledging the health of His Royal
Highness the PRINCE OF WALES, wound up a singularly eloquent
speech with these words: — "Yes, my friends, the news of the
Prince's recovery has been hailed with delight (Great applause)
wherever the British Flag protects the slave, wherever the Union
Jack has been unfurled, from the North to the South, from the
East to the West, in the Prairies of the Potomac (Hear, hear.'), the
Deserts of Arabia (Hear, hear.'), the Jungles of India (Hear, hear,
hear.'), the utmost Wilds of America (Bravo .'), the Plutonic Volca-
noes of Africa (Sobs, and cries of Hear, hear .'), and the Uninhabited
Islands of the Great Pacific." (Immense cheering.)
At this point the excitement of the company became almost un-
controllable, and it was not, indeed, until the ladies had assembled
in the drawing-room, leaving the gentlemen to the enjoyment of
their wine, that anything like calm was restored. MRS. BLOBB-
SOMER, the mother of MATILDA, and MRS. PEJINKLE, the mother of
SOPHONISBA (who during dinner had been seated at MASTER TOMMY'S
left hand), now proceeded to discuss with the other ladies the merits
of the new arrivals at the Abbey Boarding-House.
It was agreed by3 all, with the exception of Miss SMTTDGKINS,
who boldly avowed her preference, that MASTER SANDFOB.D (whose
father they had understood was a farmer) had a heavy clownish
look, and ought not to be any longer honoured with the company of
MASTER MERTON, who, the elderly ladies said, would one day be an
ornament to the society in which his wealth would entitle him to
move. As for MR. BAKLOW, indeed, MRS. PEJINKLE hinted that he
was but " an odd kind of man, who never went to assemblies, con-
versaziones, or large parties."
" Nor to balls, mamma, nor concerts," said Miss SOPHONISBA.
" Nor to the hopera," said MRS. BLOBBSOMEK, fanning herself.
"No, nor to Court neither," exclaimed Miss MATILDA, adding
triumphantly, "TOMMY — I mean," she corrected herself modestly at
a sign from her mother, " MASTER MEHTON told me as much, and
confided to me that he had already ordered his court-dress and sword
in which to appear at the next levee."
After the silence which ensued upon this speech of Miss MATILDA'S
had been broken by the entrance of the servants with trays of tea,
coffee, and cakes, MRS. BLOBBSOMER observed, "For my part, I
think it would be hinfinitely more hadvantageous to MASTER MEH-
TON if he were, hat once, removed from the contagium and placed in
some polite cemetery, where he might hacquire a knowledge of the
world and make genteel connexions. This is the plan as I 'ave
halways pursued with my HAUGTJSTTJS, who I am now thinking of
sending to 'Arrow-on-the-'ill, or to Heton, and with MATILDA, who in
a few days will be completing 'er heducation at the MISSES TOP-
LIGHTS Hacademy, Clifton."
The gentlemen now joined them in the drawing-room, and several
of the young ladies were in turn solicited by MASTER TOMMY to
amuse the company with music and singing. Among the rest Miss
SMTJDGKINS sang a little Welsh ballad, called " Slap bang, Here we
are Again," in so artless, but sweet and pathetic a manner, that
little HARRY (who by not taking part in the conversation in the
dining-room, had been able to devote himself entirely to the con-
sumption of the fine old crusted port provided by the Abbey Boarding-
House, and pronounced by judges to be "something verjr curious")
listened with tears in his eyes, though several young ladies by their
significant looks and gestures treated it with ineffable contempt.
As for the other ladies and gentlemen, they seemed determined to
prove the superiority of their manners by beginning to talk so loud,
and to make so much noise, that it would have been almost impos-
sible, had not Miss SMFDGKINS been gifted with a remarkably tine
voice, for anyone to have heard one note of the singing. This seemed
amazingly fine to TOMMY ; and he too talked and laughed as loudly
as the rest.
MR. BARLOW, indeed, did not adopt the pervading tone of the
company, but, seating himself on a sofa, next to MRS. BLOBBSOMER,
took the opportunity afforded him by a remark of hers on the
qualifications of her daughter, to address her in these words, which
unusual emotion, rendered less distinct than usual, "Tour obs-
vash'un, m'dear Madam, remindshmer of of th' s-shtory of Zsheno —
Zsheno — barbs — I mean Zshenobarbus and th'afflict' tortosh, whish
ash you've not heard V
But at this moment Miss MATILDA, who had been led to the piano
by MASTER TOMMY, commenced an Italian song, and her mother
sharply tapped the revered tutor of TOMMY and HARRY on the
knuckles, requesting him, at the same time, to keep silence.
APRIL 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
173
A LAY OF THE EMBANKMENT.
(With all torts of Apologiet to MB. LEWIS CARROLL for a slight
liberty with a certain Poem.)
HE
the
by
Chairman and
Chancellor
Were walking
Thames strand,
They wept like anything
to see,
Such lots of mud and
sand.
" If this were only
cleared away,"
They said, " it would be
grand."
" If seven Mudlarks
scraped away,
And worked for half a
year,
Do you suppose," the
Chairman said,
" That they could get it
clear?'*
" I doubt it," said the
Chancellor,
And shed a bitter tear.
" 0 Rate-payers, come
and walk with us,"
The Chairman did be-
seech :
" A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Besides Thames' odorous beach.
We cannot do with more than four,
That we may talk to each."
The Eldest Rate-payer looked at him,
And never a word he said :
The wary Briton winked his eye,
And shook his knowing head.
He thought into a dismal mess,
He never could be led.
But four young Rate-payers hurried up,
All eager for the treat ;
Polite and full of complaisance
In dress and speech so neat.
They hoped upon the Board some day,
That they would have a seat.
Four other Rate-payers followed them,
And then they came in droves,
Full of sweet hope and earnest trust,
As loyal men behoves.
Not thinking that the Chairman's words,
Were fresh from Blarney's Groves.
The rates were paid, the work was done,
(The latter rather slow)
Then they visited an Office,
Inconveniently Lowe.
And there the little Rate-payers stood,
All waiting in a row.
" The time has. come," the Chancellor said,
" To talk of many things,
Of Grabbage— Private Interests,
And Foreshore Rights of Kings.
And why the land is not your own,
And whether rates have wings."
" But wait a bit," the Rate-payers cried,
' Before we talk of might ;
We do not see the question, Sir,
Exactly in your fight.
Nor dp we think our Gracious QUEEN
Desires to claim her right. "
" A high brick wall," the Chancellor said,
" Is what we chiefly need ;
Some iron rails and gates besides,
Are very good indeed.
We mean to have the land, my boys,
And that is our creed."
" Not with our Cash," the Rate-payers cried,
Turning a little blue,
" After such blarney that would be,
A dismal thing to do."
" The Site is fine," the Chancellor said,
" Do you admire the View P
" It was so kind of you to pay,
And you are Jolly Green ; "
The British Lion heaved a sigh,
And said 'twas rather mean.
But the Government they took the land,
As all of you have seen.
It was a shame, brave SMITH exclaimed,
To play them such a trick,
After they levied heavy rates,
And made them pay go quick.
The Chairman, he said nothing,
But he cut his little stick.
" I weep for you," the Chancellor said,
" I deeply sympathise ;
In life it is not right you know.
That all should have a prize."
And then he gave a gentle wink,
With those cunning little eyes.
" O Rate-payers," said the Chancellor,
" I fear it is a sell,
But we have done you very brown,
And that is very well."
But as for MB. WILLIAM SMITH,
What he said we must not tell.
THE DESCENT OF MAN.
WE learn this fearful bit of news from a lecture on America by
MK. EDWIN JAMES :—
"At Boston, not long since, a Miss BIUTTAIN delivered a lecture on the
subject, ' Whether man, being the inferior animal, had a right to the
suffrage.' "
We are not a whit afraid of the Alabama Claims, but we tremble
when we think what claims American young ladies may think of
putting forward upon feminine account. Man, being denned as the
inferior animal, may be adjudged by lovely woman to be unworthy
of the commonest necessaries of life. By the influence of fair
lecturers, he may be deprived not merely of the right to vote, but of
the right to smoke, or even eat and drink. When the suffrage is
denied to him, it will follow, as of course, that he be ousted from all
parliaments, and posts of public business. Women only will have
voices in all national affairs. Leaving their better halves to do the
better work, men will simply have to sit at home, and darn their
daughters' stockings, or rock the baby's cradle, or sew on their own
shirt-buttons, or make up their wives' dresses when they are busy at
the House. Well, we doubt if even DABWIN, in all his speculations
on the Descent of Man, ever dreamed of his descending to a level
such as this !
NON OR NATURAL?
CONVOCATION is about to consider and decide upon a note which
the Ritual Commissioners have proposed to append to the Athanasian
Creed. This note states, in effect, that certain clauses in that Creed
are to be read, not according to their plain meaning, but in a non-
natural sense. Is a non-natural sense to be regarded as no sense at
all ; and are all the clauses to be read in that sense to be read as
nonsense ? Or is it to be understood as a sense which differs from
the natural sense of those clauses ? Then it will be a sense which is
not theirs ; and the sense which is not and the thing which is not
are synonymous. If non-natural senses are recognised, it will be all
right for the Claimant ; and much edification may be derived from
Baron Munchausen.
The Sacred Fount of Sympathetic Thiers.
THEY have now found out the record of M. THIEBS'S birth, under
the date of April 15, A.D. 1797, (or, in the Revolutionary Calendar
equivalents, "the year V. of the French Republic, one and indi-
visible, 29th Germinal,") in the municipality of Midy, canton of
Marseilles. It has often been said that his parents were abjectly
poor, and this appears probable. But he was not quite " a child of
misery, baptised as THIEBS ; " for it seems he never was baptised
at all— only registered.
174
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1872.
SUCCESSFUL CALUMNY.
Small Mite (suddenly, and without provocation, alluding to her elder Sister). " I KNOW WHAT LIZZIE 's THINKING ABOUT. GRANPMA !
SHE'S THINKING or CAKB! SHE'S ALWAYS THINKING OF CAKB ! ! " [Cake is produced, and Small Mite has her Share.
THE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCE.
(Respectfully dedicated by Mr. Punch to Ma. JUSTICE EASBT.)
I WALLOPED my old 'ooman like a sack ;
I broke three cart-whips across her back ;
I kicked her for trying to git away ;
I shoved her under a brewer's dray ;
But it 's well beknown them cats o' wives
Has more than a cat's allowance o' lives,
So out of a three-pair front I pitched her ;
But the area-railiiigs went and kitched her ;
Still she bled like a pig, and spoiled her bonnet,
And so the bobbies was down upon it,
And 'acos the old 'ooman couldn't speak,
They took and 'ad me afore the Beak,
And blest but the Beak said—" One inch furder,
And I should ha' been committed for murder ! "
So he sends me, as no Beak hadn't ort,
To be tried at the Central Criminal Court.
But there I know'd as I 'd be all right,
For regular Judges ain't Beaks — not quite !
So when 'ad up afore My Lord,
I pleads " Not Guilty," and stands un-ored.
They proves the lickms, the kickins, the squeals,
As how I 'd shoved her under the wheels ;
As how, if the railins had not been blunt,
"When I pitched her out o' that three-pair front,
They 'd likely ha' skewered lier, clothes and all,
Which, in point o' fact they broke her fall.
Says my Lord, " You deserves to go for life."
" Please your Lordship," says I, " it was only my wife !-
"Which she 'd been and cheeked me up to my face."
" Indeed ! " says his Lordship. " That alters the case.
"Wives is werry try in', blest if they ain't —
So I think three months will suit your complaint ! '
MORAL.
For killing a woman, if tried for your life,
All you've got to prove is, 't was only your wife.
And if JUSTICE EASBT rules the roast,
You 're safe to get off with three months at most !
PREMATURE HUMILIATION.
THE House of Commons acted with even more than its usual
wisdom in negativing the address, moved by SIB WILFHID LAWSON,
for taking steps for withdrawing from all treaties binding this
country to interfere by force of arms in the aflairs of other nations.
There is no occasion for England to profess cessation of existence as
a European Power. We may now and then be in a position enabling
us to enforce a treaty very much to our advantage. Nemo
tenetur ad impossibile. We are not bound to interfere when we are
unable, and whenever, as in the case of the Russian Circular last
year, there is inconvenience, or hazard, in the vindication of a
broken treaty by force of arms, why, we can always sneak out of it.
I for U.
MB. BANCROFT DAVIS, the American Commissioner at Geneva,
being lately asked his opinion of what would come of the Alabama
hitch, replied, in the words— if not quite the letters— of TERENCE
— " DAVIS turn, non CEdipus."
TAKEN 8HOBT.
PROFESSOR MAX-MULLEH has announced a Lecture on " DARWIN'S
View of Language." Punch will condense it for him : — " A mere
monkey-trick 1 "
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APRIL 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
177
A FENIAN'S FELLOW-MAN.
A nKRO and a martyr, who died by the hands of a Saxon execu-
tioner for a generous act of tyrannicide (as the countrymen of the
likes of him may say), the patriot, SHEKE ALI, hanged on the llth
of last month on one of the Andamans, appropriately named Viper
Island, gloried greatly in the deed which had brought him to the
gallows. The Calcutta Englishman states that, referring to the
assassination of LOUD MAYO :—
" He hoped his name would be glorified in his country for the deed which
he liiid done, and that a monument would be raised to his memory by his
fellow-countrymen."
Poor martyr ! His shade will too probably be disappointed. His
fellow-countrymen are not any of them Fenians. It is very unlikely
that the natives of Peshawur, or any other place in India, will cele-
brate a mock funeral, for instance, on the llth of next March, in
commemoration of SHEBK ALI'S martyrdom.
(WILLOW) PATTERN WEDDING PRESENTS.
DEAB ME. PUNCH,
Do spare me just a tiny little corner of your valuable space
to say how very much we ladies ought to thank the clever gentlemen
of the press for their admirable descriptions of that delightful
wedding. That dear Marquis ! what a duck he must have looked in
his blue coat ! And his fair and lovely bride, 0 how we envied
her the luxury of trying on her necklaces and other splendid nuptial
gifts ! Really, the account of her trousseau seemed like a fragment
out of fairy-land, it seemed so poetical. If ehe had been the
bride of the EMPEROR OF CHINA, I doubt if richer or more rare
would have been the gems she wore. I wonder if her wedding
dresses took three years to make, as we hear has been the case for
her Imperial Highness —
" For three years the looms of Nankin, Hangchow, and Canton have been
making the silks and satins for the Imperial bride's trotuieau, which will cost
at least half a million sterling."
Half a million sterling ! What a lovely thing to dream about !
Fancy having a trousseau worth half a million sterling ! Well, the
EMPEROR OF CHINA, must clearly be a gentleman, although he wears
a pigtail. He knows what is due to lovely woman when she marries,
and I wish that his example were generally imitated. The Chinese
may well speak of us as outer barbarians, when one knows how
meanly same poor brides are treated in the matter of their trousseau.
And see what other splendours await a bride in China : —
" The EMPEROR, personating the Sun, goes forth in a car drawn by a pair
of elephants ; while his lady-love is borne in a luxurious palanquin, formed
entirely of strings of pearls.
Really this reminds one of the " ropes of pearls " which were pur-
chased by Lothair for the lady he adored. (And what a goosey she
must have been to send them back !) But imagine what a stir a
palanquin of pearls would make in Regent Street just now, and
conceive a pair of elephants prancing in Hyde Park ! Ah, if we
could but introduce some of those Oriental splendours into our mere
humdrum everyday existence, we might cease to read with such
amazing interest and avidity the details which the papers give of
doings in high life !
Yours most unaffectedly,
Mat/fair, Monday. GKOBGIANA GugHEBTON.
"PECULIAR PEOPLE."
PEOPLE who like the bagpipes.
People who dislike oysters.
People who at this period of our commercial prosperity, when
writing-paper costs next to nothing, cross their letters.
People who say lessure, interesting, inhospit'able, and applicable.
People who have no poor relations.
People who dye their hair.
People who always know where the wind is.
People who like getting up early in the morning.
People who have more money than they know what to do with.
People who possess a stock of old port.
People who have never been abroad.
People who give donations to street-beggars and organ-grinders.
People who send conscience-money to the CHANCELLOB OF THE
EXCHEQUER.
People who take long walks before breakfast.
People who spend an income on flowers for the button-hole.
People who light and leave off fires on fixed days.
People who like paying Income-tax.
People who go to hot, uncomfortable theatres, full of fees.
People who buy early and costly asparagus — nine inches of white
stalk to one of green head.
People who have no sense of humour.
People who give large parties in small rooms.
People who lavish their money on the heathen abroad, and leave
the heathens at home to take care of themselves.
People who have the ice broken, to enable them to bathe in the
Serpentine in Winter.
People who look forward to a time when there will be no Income-
tax.
People who keep all their old letters.
People without prejudices, weaknesses, antipathies, hobbies,
crotchets, or favourite theories.
Critics who are satisfied with the hanging of the Royal Academy.
People who have nothing the matter with their digestion, and can
eat anything.
People who take snuff.
People who hold their tongues.
People who go on sending contributions to Punch.
OBSERVATIONS IN AN ORATORY.
(On a recent Marriage in High Life.)
WHY all these cads and JENKINSES astare ?
' "Tis BUTE ! he draws us by a single hair ! "
Hair of the dog that 's bitten your base souls —
The cur, at feet of rank and wealth that rolls.
Manners the man may make, MANNING the marriage,
But Men and Manners MANNING must disparage,
When, in this abject press, and muster monkeyish.
Men write themselves down snobs, their manners llunkeyish.
But, hold ! On sacred scenes like these 'tis rude
That satirists should more than snobs intrude ;
Liquids to labials while East winds transmute,
As BUTE cannot he Punch, Punch must be Burs !
Missing, Man and Money !
MR. STANSFELD, in the debate on SIR MASSEY LOPES'S motion the
other night, talked a great deal about people's " incomeability."
Let local rating only go on increasing at its present pace, and the
rate-collector will soon find out people's in-come-at-ability, and
that of their money also.
IN IKE WRONG HOLE.
FOOLISH people have been appointing JOHN BRIGHT " Chancellor
of the Duchy of Lancaster." " We want him in place," they say.
But JOHN BRIGHT in such an office would be JOHN BRIGHT out of
place.
178
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1872.
'THE ORACLE OF THE BOTT\.E."-HABBLAIS.
Guest. " SHIRIKEPH ME — IN TBIfBB Al'BAM' N'GOSH'ATIONPH, 'TACTIOSH 'Gov'MENT 'BEEN ANYTHING BUT JPCIDIOUSH I"
Bast. "JociDiousHl S-s-8 — (immensely tickled) — THA'HH UNCOM'LY GOOD! MY DEAR BOY, YOU MEANT TO SHAY ' DUJISHIOUSH,"
I SH'POSHE ! LKTSH JOIN THE LADIESH ! I '
JOHN BULL'S BLESSING— AND WHAT IT
COSTS.
STKANGE day ! When that most lubberly of lurdanes,
The British rate-payer, kicks 'neath his burdens !
Swears that to fight the Vestry braced his nerve is,
And that he 's had enough of " unpaid service : "
That he'll no longer bend in homage humble
Beneath the hot breath and hard hoof of Bumble.
Refuse parochial Ayrtons leave to rob,
Nor brook, henceforth, to be ruled " by the job ; "
That penny wisdom shall no longer be
In parish matters, his sole rule of three —
That rule of three which, after all was done,
Was simplified to rule of " number one,"
In whose self-seeking muddle yearly went
The cost of an Imperial Government,
As if to teach our " bloated " Upper Ten,
Whate'er swells once mulled, snobs can mull again ;
That vestry room and council can outdo
The worst that, at its worst, St. Stephen's knew ;
That they, who Little Pedlington o'er-erow,
Far wilder waste, and grosser jobs can show,
Than, ere cheeseparing hand controlled the helm,
The worst and weakest rulers of the Realm !
These goods, most practical of races known,
JOHN BULL can call, in Europe's face, his own.
And to his bosom hug, in calm content,
The rank-ripe fruits of sweet Self-government.
Only one thought his exultation bates,
The thought how much the harvest costs in rates ;
One doubt — as still 'tis JOHN BULL'S prudent way
His blessings in his balances to weigh —
Whether, when Humbug 's hushed, and Bunkum btill,
'Tis worth all this cost to be ruled so ill !
FALLACY OF FIGURES.
A PARAGRAPH of frequent occurrence in contemporary news, headed
" Extraordinary Longevity," reveals ever and anon an instance of
the duration of human existence, equal to or exceeding the age of
METHUSELAH. This sum of years, however, is an addition sum ;
not simply the sum total of a column of units representing an indi-
vidual life, but the sum of three, four, or more totals of so many
columns which represent the lives of so many individuals met
together. As the age of METHUSELAH would be equalled by the
united ages of 969 infants, of one year old, collected at a baby-show,
the profundity of this arithmetic is evident. The same calculus
could be applied to other things than longevity as instructively as it
is to that. A daily paper, the other day, contains a case in point,
•whence it might be argued, by an imposing array of figures, that
pains for the prevention of dastardly outrages are not spared certain
ruffians who deserve them : —
" FLOGGING GAROTTERS. — Ten garotters, who were sentenced at the recent
assizes in Leeds, received their flogging yesterday afternoon at Armley Gaol,
each baring twenty lashes."
Their united floggings amounted to two hundred lashes,
what are two hundred lashes among ten scoundrels ?
But
The Two Cases.
SAYS JOHN LEMOINNE, " The English Counter-case
Has strength writ on its plain, straightforward face."
" That 's nat'ral " (says SAM, with some impatience) —
" Strong counter-cases suit shop-keeping nations.
But how about my case ? Guess that will funk em ? "—
Not while JOHN BULL can weigh bounce and smell bunkum I
A " COUNTER-CASE."— Shop-lifting.
APRIL 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
179
A SWELL ON A STRIKE.'
SAT fifteen shillings, if you like,
A week. 1 deem those wages small.
I wonder not that labourers strike.
But how they live to work at all.
With fifteen shillings ev'n per day
Who could drink wines of decent cril f
Or. if he got no better pay,
Afford a passable menu.
Such income would a fellow bring,
Save necessaries, to debar
A fellow's self of everything.
And smoke a threepenny cigar !
His life he never could enjoy,
So hard would he have on to rub ;
A common tailor to employ :
Belong to an inferior Club.
But fifteen shillings, nothing more,
A whole week ! That would render life
Worse for a fellow than a bore.
Fancy that fellow with a wife.
And yet those men are proletaire* !
And they continue to increase !
On wages ev'n the highest theirs
I wonder labourers do not cease.
Missing an Opportunity.
WE observe by the University intelligence, that a
gentleman has been elected at Oxford to " a Lucy
Exhibition." Would it not have been a delicate com-
pliment on the part of the authorities to those females
who are the sturdy champions of their sex's rights, to
have restricted the competition for the "Lucy" ex-
hibition to ladies ?
A FRAGMENT.
Fashionable High Church Lady. " HEIGHO I I REALLY BELIEVE— ER— THAT IF
WE TRUSTED IN MlBACLES — ER — WE SHOULD HAVE MORE OF THEM I"
[Scarborough, Dec., 1871.
HOME ANARCHT.
THE O'CotroR DON, in a letter to the Secretary of the
Roscommon Home Government Association, has ex-
pressed his determination to support the principles of
Home Rule. It is doubly creditable to the
Dos. Worthy of an Irishman and a Spaniard.
POST-OFFICE CONFECTIONERY.
" POSTAL REFORM. — United States papers make mention of a rumour that
the Postmaster-General of that country intends to signalise hi* career in offlco
by flavouring the adhesive matter of postage-stamps."
IF pur own Postmaster-General is wise, he will lose no time in
availing himself of this valuable hint. He might make the depart-
ment over which he presides the most popular Institution in the
country, by the judicious use of sugar and a few essences. Com-
plaints are often made of the Post-office (Mr. Punch has none to
prefer, except that it sends him far too many letters), but the
mouths of all grumblers would be stopped, if an agreeable flavour
could be endorsed on the postage-stamps ; and what is now too often
an irksome and disagreeable duty converted, by the agency of the
Confectioner to the Post-office, into a sweet and pleasant pastime.
The necessary outlay would not be great ; and as there would be
an immediate and overwhelming increase in the sale of stamps, the
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER could not possibly raise any ob-
jection.
The mouth waters at the thought of our post-office* exhibiting
placards (like the lists of ices in restaurants and confectioners'
shops), describing the different flavoured stamps sold within, which
might be distinguished by such appropriate designations as " Mon-
sell," "Rowland Hill," "Scudampre/" TiUey,'?&c.
We hope the receipt-stamps will not be overlooked, and we are
certain that a colossal fortune awaits the bold and enterprising sta-
tioner who will flavour the adhesive matter on his envelopes with
strawberry, lemon, or vanille.
"Come" and " Take."
i Water Company, so ME. JOHN TAYLOB, their
engineer, writes to the Times, are going to improve their " intake."
Bravo. L. C. ! Then it isn't true that the London Water Companies
only think of improving their income.
ACTS, NOT PLAYS.
_ IT is remarkable that in newspapers, even some of those which
circulate amongst educated people, a case of murder and suicide is
ordinarily called a "tragedy," and, if it comprises several suicides
or murders, is described as an " appalling tragedy," an " awful
tragedy," or a " tragedy of the most awful character." As English-
men, reporters are invited to reform this error altogether. A
" tragedy " is an entertainment ; but murders and suicides cannot
constitute any, except to the most ill-regulated mind. Moreover, a
tragedy is a poetical work, whereas the reports of the above-named
atrocities published in the newspapers are essentially of a prosaic
character, and always written without any regard whatsoever to the
rules of dramatic composition. Murder and Suicide are no more
Tragedy than Marriage is Comedy ; and what would yon have
thought, my Lord, if at the top of a column in your paper once of a
morning, you had observed the heading of " Comedy in High Life,"
and, on glancing your eye over the subjacent article, had found it
to be an account of your Lordship's wedding 'i
UNSUITABLE TAILORISM.
A TAILOR, in Cheapside, exhibits in his shop-window a coat,
whereunto is affixed a ticket bearing the inscription of " The Blue
Prince of Wales." What a very infelicitous title! "The Black
Prince of Wales " was an appellation grand if grim ; the Blue Prince
of Wales conveys an image simply grotesque. EDWARD, the Black
Prince, was suitably so named from the tint of his armour ; but
ALBERT EDWABD cannot in like manner be styled the Blue Prince
on account of his uniform, the colour of that which he usually wears
not being blue but scarlet. If the PEINCE OF WALES were in fact
accustomed to wear a blue coat, still, to call the coat by the name of
the wearer, putting the contained for the containing, would be
taking a personal liberty as well as a poetical licence, and might be
said to betray an extremely untailorlike idea of the fitness of things.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[APRIL 27, 1872.
A TEMPERANCE TALK.
LIBRART in Liberty
Jlall. Enter to MB.
BUITTON, the REV.
JABEZ BOTHER.
Bother. Allow me,
Sir, to approach you
•with a request for your
signature to this peti-
tion for the Permissive
Prohibitory Bill, the
only measure, my dear
Sir, which strikes at
the root of the evil of
drunkenness.
Britton. Drunken-
ness is a degrading
vice. It lowers a man
beneath the level of a
beast. A drunken man
is a creature in whom
reason is deposed from
its throne. And a
drunken woman is
worse. A drunkard is
his own enemy, and
destroys the happiness
of others. We have an
example of drunken-
ness in ALEXANDER THE GREAT, who, in a fit of passion aggravated
by inebriety, slew his dearest friend CLITTTS, We have "^"Fjft
examples in the police reports and assize intelligence, and also m
much occasional afterdinner eloquence. But I believe drunkenness
'S J)other. Ah^yes, Sir ; but our object is not merely to repress
downright drunkenness. We wish altogether to prevent the sale of
intoxicating liquors. _ ,, ... ,
Britton. You mean spirits, wine, and beer. Call things .from
their use, not their abuse. Would you speak of razors as suicida
instruments ? To destroy the liquor trade would be a double wrong ,
besides being a bore. It would he a tyranny over the consumers,
and for the vendors a confiscation. .
Bother. Tyranny, my dear Sir ! How can a majority of ratepayers
tyrannise over a minority ? Confiscation! Why the publicans'
trade would be confiscated if their customers were made fewer by
moral suasion. u
Britton. That would be no confiscation. Their customers would
be diminished in that case by fair means, not by foul ; which makes
a difference, let me point out to you.
Bather. Surely. Sir, it would be all the same to them r
Britton. Would it be all the same to you if you were hanged out
of hand as it would be if you were left to die a natural death ?
Bother. I don't see the parallel.
Britton. That I daresay. Why should you destroy the liquo
Bother. People drink more liquor than is good for them.
Britton. So do children eat more pastry. Would you shut up
confectioners' shops ? Do you consider the adult people ot England
weaker than children ? , . ,
Bother. People spend an immense deal of money in drink which
they might lay out on better things. The people of this country,
Sir, spend in the consumption of intoxicating liquors— excuse me,
Sir— no less than £100,000,000 per annum.
Britton. Well, Sir ; and a large proportion of that sum goes to
the revenue in duty. What impost would you substitute P Are you
prepared to tax the People's tea and coffee ?
Bother. No, Sir, no; on the contrary, I am for a totally free
breakfast- table.
Britton. Do you expect me, then, to consent that you shall tax
my income to pay for your enforced teetotalism ? If you do, you
expect too much of human nature, at least as represented by this
individual— and don't you wish you may get it ?
Bother. Very much, indeed, Sir. Surely you are capable of tha
slight self-sacrifice for the good of others !
Britton. Quite incapable. Moreover, those others whom I prefe
to consider are others like myself — the rational, not the imbecil
members of society. But I wonder at you. An enemy to drunken
ness, you object to the amount of a heavy fine upon it.
Bother. What fine, my dear Sir ?
Britton. The liquor duties. Their amount is a fine upon nationa
drunkenness, and not only on that but on national drinking habits
Talk of a 5s. or a 10s. fine ! What is that to a fine of, I suppose
£50,000,000 ! By this vast penalty Vice is punished, and Virtue (t
wit, Temperance) rewarded by exemption, whilst respectable person
are taxed so much the less, and the; public burdens are in part borne
by the lower orders. .
Bother. Voluntary sobriety would necessitate other taxation.
£n'wJ)°UVeryCmuch, indeed. But I couldn't complain of it at all,
any more than publicans could complain if public-houses came to be
simply less frequented by the public. In the meanwhile the only
liquor laws for me are more stringent laws to punish drunkenness,
and the permission of drunkenness, and the sale ot bad liquor.
quid twristi." e.t cfftera, you know. .
Bother. I do not know ; and as to quid, am a total abstainer also
¥ Britton Then I will not offer you a cigar. But the instruction
which I have taken the trouble of imparting to you, perhaps you
will put, so to speak, in your pipe, and smoke home. 1 am sorry t(
say there is no ginger-beer in the cellar, nor any lemonade, and my
wife is out with the key of the cupboard which contains the tea-
caddy • but if you would take a cup of cold water- SIB WILFBID
LAWSON'S cold without— there is plenty in the cistern— such as it is.
No ? Don't say " No," if you mean " Yes." What ! must you go ?
Let me not detain you. 1 should be sorry, I am sure to trespass
any longer on your valuable time. Good morning, MR. BOTHER ;
good morning ! ============= {-B°WS
TRUE SYMPATHY WITH SUFFERING.
IT is gratifying, in the perusal of dry law proceedings, to light
upon a judicial expression of genuine pity well bestowed, and sym-
pathy, not only heartfelt but practical, with human suffering. At
,he Central Criminal Court, the other day, before MR. COMMISSIONER
KERK, JOHN JOYCE and THOMAS DITTON were indicted for robbery
ith violence. The violence was of a nature which may be es
aated from the subjoined observations of the learned Commissioner,
t had been committed by the prisoner JOYCE, who, when he and his
ockfellow had been convicted, " asked for mercy." Whereupon—
" The Commissioner said there were some people actuated hy what they
elieved to be philanthropy, who might have had mercy on him, but he was
ot one of those. His sympathies went with the man who, while on his way
ome, was seized by the throat, knocked down, lost blood, and suffered
ervousness for weeks in consequence. He did not sympathise with the
iolent ruffian who knocked a man down, and whined in the dock for mercy.
The sentence upon him was that he be kept in penal servitude for seven years,
nd receive forty lashes with the ' cat." "
A fair number. One stripe more than forty stripes save one ; but
wt one too many for a garotter. It is good that such a miscreant
hould seem vile to his brother-man in howling under the infliction
if full forty stripes ; and if an average of forty administered in
)rdinary cases he found insufficient to prevent robbery with violence,
et us hope that fifty will be tried, and so on in ascending ratio.
The allotment of whipping-cheer hy MR. COMMISSIONER KEBR to
MR JOYCE was rendered all the more handsome by the truly feeling
remarks which accompanied it. They did equal credit to his heart
and his head, and they command our admiration as the genuine out-
pouring of the milk and cream, and none of the skim-milk, of human
:indness. MR. JOYCE has since been flogged.
What a pity the law did not empower MR. COMMISSIONER KEBR
also to order a good flogging for CHARLES WESTHORP, convicted, in
two savage assaults, of unlawfully wounding a woman ! Ot course
t was the mere inability to give that ruffian his deserts which made
lis Judge let him off with four months' imprisonment. We must
give Mtt. COMMISSIONER KEBR credit for abhorring cruelty to women
as much as cruelty to men, and for not thinking it more venial than
cruelty to animals. _^___===-—-—-^
MEDICAL DISSENTERS.
THERE has lately arisen a new sect called the " Peculiar People."
One of their peculiarities is an objection to the medical treatment o
disease, instead of which they rely on prayer and the laying on oi
hands. A child, the offspring of a pair of these People, died the
other day at Plumstead of small-pox, without having had any sorl
of medical attendance. An inquest held on the body resulted
in a verdict of manslaughter against a man named HUBBY, the
father of the child. Can this be law, other than crowner s quest
law ? If so, then so much the worse for fanatics and fools ; but the
corollaries may be queer for some people who are neither. Suppose
a child dies of small-pox, having had no other medical assistance
than that of a mesmerist or a homoeopath, how then t
Shop !
MRS. MALAPBOP has been studying what she calls the Ali Baba
Counter Case. She thinks the title smacks a little of the shop, bu
she hopes the Government will show that they mean business bj
sticking to their Counter.
MAY 4, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
181
THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE.
George. " 0, I DO LOVE HAMPSTEAD HEATH so ! I PREFER IT TO SWITZER-
LAND, REALLY I "
Mabel. "Wav, GEORGE, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO SWITZERLAND!"
deorge. " No ; BUT i 'VB SEEN IT ON THE MAP, AND I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK
OF IT AT ALL."
APKIL FOOLS IN FEATHERS.
(Sony, by MB. HAWFINCH, OH a late Vicissitude of the
Weather.}
A ruBTT sight it wuz to view
The yaller primroses appear.
Likewise the vi'luts, white and blue,
So early as they did this year.
Daisy and shiny buttercup
'Twuz pleasant peepun" to behold,
And dandelions blazun up
Wi' leaves bright green and vlowers o' gold.
To show how forrard all things be,
Swallers, this April, dree or four,
A vartnight earlier I zee
Nor ever yet I sin afore.
And just about when they appeared,
A-chevy'n hinsex on the wing,
The cuckoo one fine day I heerd,
And nightingale the night droo sing.
The pigs his tuneful notes mistook,
And woke, some on 'um, up vrom bed,
'Cause why they vancied " Chook, chook, chook,"
Was callun' of 'um to be fed.
Their disappointmunt, for to squake,
And grunt, the hogs in concert made.
How 'tis, thinks I, to lie awake
And hark to Natur's serrynade !
But all at once to North and East,
From West and South the wind chopped back.
And then the feathery quire, at least,
Fell dumb as mutes in funeral black.
For then come sleet, and then come hail,
And frost o' marnuns on the ground,
And nare a slug, nor nit a snail,
Wuz by them songsters to be found.
Cuckoo and nightingale found out
They 'd made a bit of a mistake,
And so did t'other birds, no doubt :
Two swallers don't a zummer make,
Nor twice, nor dree, nor vonr times two.
Thee bear in mind that golden rule.
Then one thing April sun wun't do ;
Wun't ne'er make thee an April fool.
TOO HOT TO HANDLE.
THERE has been a hitch, or, what is still worse, a hiatus, in the
South Kensington accounts. One SIMKINS, late cashier and ac-
countant, has disappeared, and with him some £8,000 of the public
moneys due from the department.
Now, KINO COLE is, in Treasury parlance and papers, styled "Ac-
countant " of the South Kensington Department. Of course he is
Accountant," but only as he is everything else— architect and
artist, builder and buyer, catalogue-maker and composer, embellisher
and entertainer, puffer and prestidipitateur, schoolmaster and show-
nianof that mysterious, multifarious, and ever-growing concern,
the Hydra of departments, of which every head you out off is replaced
by a dozen new ones, to which every successive Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer has determined to be the Hercules, and has been igno-
mimously bowled over in the attempt— foiled by the resistance of
that new form of adamant— the Black Diamond— COLE !
But what wonder ? Coal is stored-up heat, and heat is force, and
force is power ; therefore COLE is but power embodied, and to fight
with COLE is to fight with power in propria persona.
The Treasury has dared this unequal conflict, and the result is, aa
might have been expected, that the Treasury seems to be eettinir
very decidedly the worst of it.
Here is KINO COLE'S retort on my Lords :—
" The fact was, the system of combining cashier and accountant was a
vicious one, and he had protested against it. He had pointed to the Clearing-
house system, where the paying out of money was not permitted to come in
connection with the paying in. He had described the system in the depart-
ment as cumbrous and costly, and as a system which would be ruinous in
general 1 business—considered even apart from any idea of defalcation: but he
was snubbed for his suggestions. If his alterations had been adopted SIMKINS
nutt nave been found out at once ; but as matters stood it required him to be
out of his office, and his books in other hands and thoroughly overhauled,
before the defalcations were discovered."
VOL. Lin.
In other words, when the Treasury says to Krwo COLE, " Were yon
not called accountant, and are not words things? Therefore as
you were called accountant you were accountant, and an accountant
is one who keeps accounts, and he who keeps accounts is accountable,
and therefore you are accountable," KINO COLE says to the Treasury,
Words are not things. I teas called ' accountant,' but you knew
as well as I did, that my hands were full of other business ; any loss
there may have been is your own fault, and if you had taken my
advice it would not have happened."
Looking to facts ,'as the best evidence of character, weighing the
discredit the Treasury has lately fallen into for meanness, blunder-
ing, and botching in every form, against the credit won by KING
COLE for activity, organising power, and success in bis undertakings,
we should say the chances are all Lombard Street to a China orange
that KXNO COLE is in the right and my Lords in the wrong.
A Die-a-tonic Drink.
THE Pall Mall Gazette gives us some curious facts of that most
delightful but deleterious of "bitters," Absinthe, in connection
with the history of its introduction into France, from Algeria,
where it was •riginally used as a " malaria " medicine in default of
(iuinine. Absinthe-drinkers, like Opium-smokers, inevitably carry
the indulgence to an excess, and so indulged in. tie liqueur inevit-
ably produces nervous stimulus first, then madness or imbecility,
paralysis, and death. With this catalogue of consequences, may
we not translate, in our prayers for JOHN BULL, the French Absinthe
and its family into the Latin absint t
WANTED A TTJRN-OVER AT CASE.— Apply to GENERAL SCHKNCX,
Ambassador for the United States, before June 15th.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, April 22.
We had a sensa-
tion this morn-
ing. Mr. Punch
forgets what sort
of weather we
had, but he ought
to have been able
to use the fam-
ous tautological
lines: —
" The dawn is over-
cast, the morn-
ing lowers,
And heavily in
clouds brings
on the day."
Onto.
Well, no, for
_ "Aurora, daugh-
'~- ter of the dawn
s (as HOMER is so
fond of repeat-
ing) tad per-
formed her omce
a good while be
fore Mr. Panel
addressed him
self to his well-
beloved Daily
New. But when the world and the paper had been duly aired
for him, he read :—
" Horrors from w
He read-his pen is " warranted not to shrink" so out comes the
SNVfeactf?£nluB52&3i
_j *™. ..^no. it. ™wers to reconstruct itseli.
unlawful, to mention the name of one of the Eumenides, who sit
around the dreadful throne of Pluto.
"But be the issue as it may,
Eternal Fate will hold its way,
Nor lips that pray, nor eyes that weep,
Nor cups that rich libations steep,
Soothe those dark Powers' relentless ire, ^
Whose altars never blaze with holy *••
&3&*K&^Ty£gfcS?lU*9***
tics in other dioceses, please copy, and don t let JU
"A little bench of Heedlere Bishops here."(
)ublin University mil. J.ms i» iiu- au-j^^^f, -- * —_ -~ -----
in that institution, and for giving it powers to reconstruct itself.
MR. GLADSTONE, like the gods of old,
" Granted half the prayer,
The other half dispelled in empty air."
Iliad, passim.
No Miss passim does not mean a sparrow, though sparrows fly in
the air. Passer is a sparrow, and you are Anat ^-jexcuse tn
erity, it is re-action after excessive fright. Ihe PREMIER j
the reconstructive legislation. . We eonfl teU you why, though his
ngenious attempts to explain without explanation drove MR.
FAWCETT wild, %ut perhaps you are like the naughty 1,
whose reason for not asking how his aunt's headache was was
that he didn't want to know. We will not tell you, at present-
" Know then this truth, enough for man to know,
' Pass t'other half,' said G., ' and out we go.
Prt*l/> fl»fl. Pi
lie ejc^J^uii *w»i . - -
that "hTdicTnorknow." He is no follower of one JEAN
CAUVIN, who helped to burn GRUET and SERVETUS
Then we protected the Polynesians, and so to bed at 2 o A.M.
T«f*dai/ -The Conservative leaders in both Houses demanded an
lovely quotation. He is not one of those-
" Who do hate a Claimant
Worse than a Murderer."
Shakspeare.
V, ' '
Words are inadequate to the description of the state of mind of
Mr. Punch and the rest of Her Majesty's subjects until their white
terror was over. Now that over it is, we gasp to think oi it,
" Like him who in his sleep
Has walked beside the precipice's brink,
Which he's afraid to look at in the morning.
Bandennatch.
In the Lords to-night the distinguished nobleman whose patent
was conferred by the Author of Our American Cousin, mac
ftr" appearance, in the person of GEOFFREY DOMINIC AUGUSTUS
FREDEWCK GUTHHIE, Lord Oranmore and Browne. This nobleman
(to Mr. Punch's mind very justly) characterised the correspondence
on the Alabama business as something which no fellah could un-
derstand." EARL GHANVILLE, on whom few jests are lost, recog-
nised LORD DUNDREARY, and defended his own correspondence and
his conduct, declaring, in answer to another observation, that it wa
quite idle to talk of this country being degraded and humiliated by
anything the Government had done. ,.
LORD CAMPERDOWN (is not the name of one of his seats a splendu
name—" Gleneagles " ?) declined to say anything about the Megtera
As a classical scholar, his Lordship knows that it is unlucky, nay
" More than echoes talk along the walla."
Jfops*
TUr P,,nrh has the utmost pleasure in stating that a determined
of 316 to 115- 201.
TfW] wlav —To-day the great terror was removed. MR. ULAD-
for throwing open al
offices of State to Catholics and others was talked over-and out
but ?could Punch listen to such things at such a moment of relief .
» Hearts are not flint, and flints are rent ;
Hearts are not steel, and steel is bent.^
MAY 4, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
183
shall be mentioned. MR. DOUGLAS STRAIGHT introduced a Bill for
scourging ruffians who illtreat women and children. Punch hones
that Parliament will proceed " by the street which is called
Straight " to pass this Bill, and we shall rejoice to hear that some
H-iiiiM<lrel who suffers thereby apostrophises " the blessed DOUOLA_S"
thus, or in a certain Shakspearian form, for which see Jlrnry II'.
Thursday.— The 21st of Aufrust is fixed for the beginning of
Autumn Manoeuvres, and it will be artful, not to gay base, if any
Mamma or daughter commences the attack earlier. As Clarissa
asks, —
" Why round our coaches crowd the white-gloved beaux ?
Why bows the side box from its inmost rows ?
How vain are all lhe«e glories, all our pain*,
Unless good tense preserve what beauty (aim."
Sapt of the Lock.
MB. FAWCETT avenged himself by going 'in hard at the Govern-
ment, and by describing the menace of Resignation as an attack on
the rights of private Members. The Opposition cheered him mightily
when he said that heaps of Liberal Members had told him that,
though they liked his Bill, they could not turn out the Ministers,
and therefore that Dublin University might go — Mr. Punch hates
to use the impolite word which MB. FAWCETT implied— let us say
where the aforesaid Eumenides sit around their dusky King. There
was really a dashing debate, and MR. GLADSTONE came out in full
force, the fuller that he held himself well in hand, and gave himself
fair play. His lamentation over castigation for involved style,
" which he had been tiring for forty years to correct," was good
comedy. He made a bold speech, and declared that the Government
had " stood fire," and meant to stand it again. He would not give
MB. FAWCETT a day for his debate. The spectatum admissi were in
luck this evening.
Ballot : and an attempt to make the rate-payers pay Candidates'
expenses was defeated by 261 to 129. MR. MAGNIAC showed
himself exceedingly sane by his very rational objection to people
being asked to pay the expenses of people whom they dislike. He
is Member for St. lyes ; and the Seven Wives and their husbands,
and all the other wives and husbands, are well represented.
Did Mr. Punch manage to convey, a couple of weeks ago, the idea
that he thought the late Chairman of Committees was the author of
Alice in Wonderland? Dear Us! You must be joking ! Ha! ha!
if that be so. Our Beamish Boys, also Girls, have you yet to learn
that your Punch never makes mistakes ? Chortle in your joy when
you think of that. A health to the Turn-Turn Tree !
Friday.— Shall we give Household Suffrage in the Counties?
Yes, says MB. TREYELYAN, and now. Yes, says MR. GLADSTONE,
but not now. " Not now," echoed the House by 148, to 70.
We began to talk on Local Government in Ireland, and MR. BUTT
spoke somewhat pleasantly. Then MB. FOWLER commenced a speech
on the affairs of South Africa, but the House adopted Miss Jellaby's
view, and remarking " Africa's a Beast. We hate it," was Counted
Out.
FLOREAT ETONA!
THE Geographical Society has been giving gold and bronze medals
for the best examinations gone through by boys of various schools,
on Physical and Political Geography. Who would have thought
it? Eton comes out neck and neck with Liverpool— in these
branches of a study which one would have thought more at home
in Cottonopolis than in the antique towers of WOLSEY and WOTTON !
For Physical Geography, W. SPRING RICE of Eton College carries
off the gold medal, A. S. BUTLER of Liverpool College, the bronze ;
while, for political, the order is reversed, W. S. COLLINGWOOD, of
Liverpool, bearing away the fjold, W. C. G. GRAHAM, of Eton, the
brpn/e. Who can say, after this, that in all useful knowledge and
science such as schools can teach, Eton men are beaten men ? Let
such words against Eton be henceforth " Eaten."
There is great Luck about the House."
v Houses is an ominous title for a dramatic work, seeing
that it is almost synonymous with empty houses. Defying the
omen, like a wise man, Mil. BYRON has given the Princess's
Managers a piece which enables them to boast of houses not haunted
by spectres but spectators. Since the days of AGOSISTES, we do not
think that a bold Hebrew has ever done a more startling thing in
the way of bringing down a house than is performed at the end of
Mu. HYRON'S clever play. Mr. Punch went home, and would have
dreamed hideously out for taking sanitary precautions against
dreaming at all. Well, a headache is better than a nightmare, come !
THE IRISH EDUCATION DIFFICULTY.
A DIFFICTTLTY, when it is formulated, less likely to be followed by
a solution than a dissolution.
MUSIC FOR THE MILLION.
LORD MAHON triumphed
over MR. GBOHGK POTTKR,
at the Westminster Elec-
tion to the School-Board,
by about live to one. Yet
a van containing a band
of music, and displaying
MR. POTTKB'I placards,
permeated the district.
However, we belier* that
this device which, prr le,
we should call a vulgar
and carnal one, raited
only to political contests,
was not meant as an
attraction, except as sig-
nifying that MR. POTTER
is for supporting the pro-
posal to give the children
of the lower orders a
musical education. With
him, in this respect, we
• agree ; for if the humbler
tons learn to like real
music, they will soon
hunt down the abomin-
able organ-fiends, who,
still as rampant and dirty
as ever, continue their
execrable treatment of
melodies deserving of
better usage. Joyful will
be the day that sees the ex -
tirpation of BAM>ILKI;<;<>
the Bothering Bandit, and as it appears to be unlawful to shoot him,
as other Bandits are served, w» nope to see him slain by the bene-
volent giant, Education.
THE COMPETITIVE EXAMINATION AGE.
A CORRESPONDENT, who signs himself " JIGNORAMUS," writes to say
that he read in some paper the other day of a person having " passed
his examination for a Bankruptcy." J IGNORAMUS supposes that the
same amount of " cram " is as necessary for this step as for one in
the Naval and Military Examinations, in those of the Civil Service,
or of the Universities. As he wishes to know what subjects most be
got up in order to enable him to compete for a Bankruptcy, we invite
attention to the following list, of which more than a superficial
knowledge would probably be required by the Examiners : —
(a) Banker's Books, I. and II.
(6) Pass Books and Cheque Books, I. to L. Including all the
Propositions from time to time made by the Investor to the
Firm of Bankers. Besides these, an acquaintance with all
the Elementary Commercial Axioms will be absolutely in-
dispensable.
(e) Dramatic Paper.— New Way to Pay Old Debts, The Lores of
a Lover, Game of Speculation, The Merchant of Venice.
(d) Secular History. — A treatise explanatory of the letters I. O. U.
on the Roman banners. Religious Hint. Explain the con-
nection between Israelites and The Law, and the House of
Bondage.
(e) Poetry.— HORACE, Ode to several people.
(f) Geography.— The Latitude and Longitude of Spike Island,
Crediton, &c.
(g) Military.— What equivalent rank in the Army is held by
Sheriff's Officers Y Whom do they by courtesy precede ?
Whom do they legally follow Y
(h) Etiquette. — What are the ceremonies to be observed on being
presented at (the Bankruptcy) Court ? What is the Argu-
mentum ad hominem in possessione t
(0 Athletics. — What training is necessary to enable a competitor
to outrun a constable r Give the theory of stamps, and of
making yourself scarce.
(j) Ornithology.-— Explain the management of Kites, the treat-
ment of Pigeons, and the modus vicendi of Hawks.
•»* The above will afford J IGNORAMUS some sort of idea of the
nature of the examination which will be required of him.
WHY pay several shillings for a Turkish Bath when yon can have
one gratis on any day of the week by spending a time in the Tropical
Fern-house at Kew ? [Airt.
184
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 4, 1872.
"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR."
BY DINT OF INSIDIOUS FLATTERY, CAPTAIN DE ToMKYNS PEBSUADES HIS DATED RlVAL, MB. GlUGSBY, TO SING A COMIC SONG IN
THE PRESENCE OF THE LOVELY BEING WHOM THEY BOTH ADOBE. MR. GKIOSBY FALLS INTO THE CKUEL TfiAP, AHD BUINS HIMSELF IK
THE LOVELY BKING'S ESTIMATION FOE EVEB.
"THE BELLS."
Happy Thought.— Xotion for ME. BATEMAN. MB.
IBTDTO has, no doubt, often thought of SHAIOPEABE,
and SHAKSPEAB^ thought of MB. IBVING in Mathias,
alluding evidently to the Burgomaster's murder of
the Polish Jew, thus (vide Hamlet, Act I. So. I.) :
" As frowned he once when" ....
" He smote the sledded Folack on the ice."
The Day and the Deed.
A CEBTAIN Scotch Presbytery were sorely dumb-
founded by an answer to a request of theirs for
signature to a Sabbatarian petition. The reply
(translated to them of course) was Laborare est orare.
POKTBAIT OF MB. GRIGSBY
WHEN HE "8 NOT SlNGINO
COMIC SONGS.
PAPAL PASTIME.
HERE is a pleasant little bit of Roman news : —
" The Pope has had several boxes of croquet sent from
London to amuse his officers, now that the fine spring
weather has eet in. His Holiness descended yesterday into
the Papal gardens, and remained a long time looking on
while his partisans were engaged in the innocent sport."
The POPE, he leads a happy life ! one truly may
exclaim, if his time be passed in pleasant contem-
plation such as this. How much better for his peace
of mind, and that too of the world, it is for him to
look on calmly at a game of croquet than to breed
mad bulls of excommunication and to fulminate his
thunderbolts against all disbelievers in his infalli-
bility, among whom it is his misfortune to reckon
Mr. Punch .'
FORESTS r. FORESTERS.
HEBE is one fact : —
" The authorities of California have engaged a professional arboriculturist,
at a salary of 16,000 dollars per year, to attend to the setting out of forest
trees in different parU of the State. 'They never,' says the Rochester
Exprea, ' did a wiser thing. We want trees judiciously distributed every-
where— on the mountain-side, in the fields, along country roads, in front of
city residences, in parks and gardens ; everywhere some, nowhere too
many." "
Here is another : —
" The Ancient Order of Foresters have increased their numbers by 19,581
during the past year, while the sum of £96,000 has been added to the reserve
fund of Courts and Districts. Taking into account the Juvenile Societies and
the Second Degree (the Ancient Order of Shepherds), the members now number
more than half a million, having funds invested to the extent of £1,527,939
as a provision against sickness and death."
So it would seem that while Cousin JONATHAN has to pay heavily
for his foresters, JOHN BULL'S flourish famously without payment.
The order of proceeding in the two countries has been inverted.
JONATHAN found his forests, and thought he could dispense with
the foresters : JOHN BULL planted his foresters, without waiting
for the forests.
Ours seems to have turned out the more profitable arrangement.
Animal Magnate-ism.
SEEING the price wild animals fetch, as was exemplified in the
late sale of " WOMBWELL'S Menagerie," and the cost of their keep
as well as that of their keepers, a man, to make money by a wild-
beast show, must indeed drive a "roaring" trade, as, in fact, we
believe the magnates in the animal line do.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAT 4, 1872.
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
MRS. BRITANNIA. " WHAT 'S THIS GOSSIP ABOUT TOUR GIVING -WARNING, EWART P "
CHIEF BUTLKR. " I— I— REALLY, MY LADY— WELL, THERE 'S A PARTY FROM BRIGHTON AS "
MBS. BRITANNIA. "DON'T TELL ME! YOU'LL NOT LEAVE MY SERVICE— WITH A CHARACTER— TILL
MR. JONATHAN'S BILL IS SETTLED, MIND THAT ! "
MAT 4, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
187
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
The two last evenings of UASTSKS SANDFOUD and MSRTOX'S holidays
spent tti Torcombe.
in F.K company bein e
much and properly
attracted by the sing-
ing, Hiss SMUIM;-
Kuis' Uncle pro-
posed that he and
HARBT should di-
vert themselves with
a French game of
card*, colled fccartK.
ITiBBT, who was
ignorant of this ac-
complishment, de-
sired to be excused,
but, online SMUDO-
KIXS' offering to
teach him, he was,
though with some
reluctance, induced
to sit down and
play with the 1 ! K v.
ZENOTHELUS POTT8.
The game, indeed,
he found no diffi-
culty in learning,
but he could not
help remarking,
with wonder, that,
after he had won
the first three rubbers, his good fortune seemed to have entirely
deserted him ; nor did he fail to notice the dexterous flash which
the RET. ZENOTUELUS POTTS, in dealing put the hands, gave to
the cards, such as he had once witnessed in the performance of a
travelling conjuror at a fair. His venerable adversary was now, on
all occasions, sufficiently fortunate to " mark the King," a singular
piece of good luck, which, he modestly declared, such skill as he
possessed, had in no degree merited.
Miss >Ssiun(iKixs now professed herself vastly concerned at
1 1 A IUIY'S continual losses, out encouraged him to persevere with
many kind and consoling expressions of sympathy. As for her
Uncle, he protested, that, it being now nearly midnight, he would
not play any longer, and generously refused to accept the half-
crown which he had won from MASTER HARRY on the last game.
Miss SMUTJGKINS, at the same time, avowed her great surprise and
annoyance at HARBY'S having incurred, through her instruction, a
loss amounting to two pounds and fifteen shillings, which was all
that he had in his purse.
1 1 AKRY begged her not to distress herself on his account, as, he
said, he entertained no kind of doubt of his being able, through the
well-known capriciousness of Fortune, to win back a portion of this
sum before his departure for school, a necessity which only permitted
him one day more at the Abbey Boarding House. " This game," he
said, " in which I perceive both chance and skill to be combined,
reminds me of the story of Philo and the Pretentious Snail, which,
as neither of you has heard it, I will now proceed to narrate. You
must know, then," At this point, however, Miss SMUDOKEN s was
compelled to retire to her chamber, vowing, at the same time, that
she was dying of curiosity to hear the story, and begging HARRY
not to continue his narrative to her Uncle in her absence.
; The Rsv. ZENOTHELUS POTTS now praised his fortitude and
courage, and advised him to observe a certain amount of caution in
playing at cards, for any considerable ventures, with strangers, into
whose society, by the accidents of travelling, he might find himself
thrown.
On their quitting the card-room, they ascertained! that MB. BAR-
LOW, not feeling himself in his usual excellent health, had retired
to bed, an example which the remainder of the company were not
slow in following, with the exception of MASTEK SMASH and MASTER
BRUMPTON, who had taken MASTEK TOMMY, their new friend, into
the smoking-room, where they were now indulging themselves in
the largest and strongest cigars, and in various agreeable liquors.
These two young gentlemen talked with amazing vivacity about
pubbc diversions, about celebrated actresses, about parties of plea-
sure, about masked balls, and about such gay persons, and such
lively scenes, as acted forcibly on TOMMY'S imagination ; for, though
unequal in age to his companions, who were at least two or three
years his seniors (MASTER SMASH being fifteen and MASTEE BRTJMP-
TON fourteen), he yet was their superior in mental capacity.
TOMMY now felt himself introduced to a wider range of conduct,
and began to long for the next school-time to be over, in order that
he too might bestow a champagne supper on the loveliest of the
corps de ballet, and entertain a brilliant party at a whitebait dinner
at the Star and Garter Hotel, Richmond, to which, being a boy of a
really generous and amiable disposition, he now gave MASTERS
SMASH and BRUMPTON a hearty invitation. HARRT perceived and
lamented this sudden change in the manners of his friend, who,
while delivering himself in the above strain, smoking a large cigar,
and drinking what MASTKK SMASH termed " an Eye Opener,"
seemed to have lost all affection for his former companion : and,
indeed, at a bite hour, MASTER TOMMY spoke of their beloved tutor
not only with contemptuous indifference, but with every epithet of
disrespect. HARRY now took the liberty of remonstrating with him,
and ventured to ask him, "Whether ne remembered the story of
Epaminvndtu and the Lethargic Bullfinch, which." said HARKI,
" as neither MASTER SMASII, nor MASTER BRUMPTOS, has heard "
Matter i Smash and Brumpton. No, we haven't, and don't want to.
Harry (continuing ealmly), 1 will now proceed to narrate.
You muat know, then
Tommy. No, we mustn't.
[Prodigious Laughter at this rude sally from MASTERS SMASH
and BRTTKTTON, in which MASTER TOMMY joined.
Harry. Alas! My dear TOMMT, what sort of figure think you
these two young gentlemen would have made among the Spartan
youths in the army of ZENOCRATES ?
Tommy. Give it up.
This witty repartee occasioned shouts of derision, which HARRY
bore with singular equanimity, nor did he again offer to address his
young friend, who presently began to complain of the heat of the
room.
MASTERS SMASH and BRUMITON, whose looks now betrayed their
enjoyment of their friend's misfortune, attributed this indisposition
to his being unaccustomed to the small hours, the big Regalias, and
the Eye-upenert, an insinuation which MASTER TOMMT, who wished
to be taken'for a person of fashion, would have indignantly resented,
had not a sudden and uncontrollable qualm constrained him to
accept the assistance of MASTERS BKUMPTON and SMASH'S arms,
who, scarcely able to disguise their ungenerous mirth, forthwith led
him up-stairs, and placed him safely in bed. HABBY only stayed
a few minutes behind the young gentlemen, in order to finish
such liquor as yet remained in their glasses, and, having extin-
' guished the lights, he was not long in reaching his own apart -
I ment. Here he sat up for the next two hours, attempting, by
energetic perseverance, to make himself a master of the game of
ecartt, in order to prove, on the earliest opportunity, to Miss
SM r i><; K INS' Uncle, that neither his example,", nor hisladyice, had
been thrown away upon him, and, indeed, it was not until he had
' dealt the King to himself fifteen times successively, that he placed
the pack of cards underneath his pillow, and was soon fast asleep.
"WHY, HOW NOW.-HAMLET?"
A NOTICE lately appeared, in the Times, which has been the cause
of some perplexity to students of SHAKSPEARE. Not to insist on
details, we give an extract from the paragraph which was to this
effect, yiz., that "The Metropolitan Board of Works will" (on a
certain day) " take into consideration .... the HAMLET of MILE
END ...."!! (Two notes of admiration and exclamation, " with
power to add to their number.") The Hamlet of Mile End !! Those
well versed in dramatic literature knew the Hamlet of SHAKSPEABE,
and those who denied the authenticity and genuineness of the works
attributed to SHAKSPEARE, had never as yet heard of The Hamlet of
Mile End. — ~
Has the Board made a mistake ?3 Boards do, sometimes. Was it
thinking of the VENUS of Mi LO when it said the HAMLET of MILE
END? Or has a new Shakspearian actor appeared at The Royal
Mile End Theatre ; if there be a Mile End Theatre. Finally, let
the Board inform us, as early as possible, who or what is the
Hamlet of Mile End. If an actor, on what theatrical Boards doe*
the Board of Works expect his appearance P
Loyal Subjects.
THE Treasury tried o'er the Coals to haul COLE,
But the Black Diamonds burst into chorus:
" Go elsewhere, my Lords, if our King down you 'd bowl-
But we won't have our Monarch hauled o'er us ! "
Visa Versa.
SINCE the French talk of re-establishing the wretched annoyances
connected with " protection," ought we not to retaliate by leaving
off their wines, and ourselves returning, like true sons of British
fathers, to our own too long neglected Pa s port system ?
188
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 4, 1872.
CONSIDERATE.
First Private. "BE YOU A MARKSMAN THIS YBAK?"
Second Ditto. "No, I BAIN'T. I DON'T WANT TO DEPRIVE THIS 'ERE LIBERAL ECONOMICAL GOVEK'MENT or A PENNY A DAY!!"
SIMPLE NOTES ON ENGLAND.
-By A"
* *, a distinguished and intelligent Frenchman, who,
during many years, well knows the English.
THB men have massive jaws; their teeth are long, white, and
projecting, they are evidently carnivorous. They are all angular
and " bosseles." To be " bossele " is among them a matter of pride.
Thns, they say of an aristocrat that he is " a knob," or " knobby."
They are all too big, with the eyes dull, stupid, and blue, to such a
measure that, to find among them one Frenchman ah I how
agreeable is the contrast! To be "angular" is their ancient
character. In the historic records, the most early, they are called in
their own language " The Angles." Perhaps EUCLID himself was an
Angle.
.",
Gin-drinking is the vice of all classes. My friend WAGS admits
this, and deplores it. A Gin-palace is a Temple to Saint Vitus
(chez nous " Saint Guy "). My friend has told me, that the name of
this spirit is used familiarly for English young girls among the
middle and lower classes. A daughter is often called "Ginny."
Ine same friend tells me that the great writer, SIR WALTER SCOTT,
in one of his romances, has named his heroine Ginny Deans. This
was a satire, he says, on the clergy. 1 can trust this dear WAGG.
»*#
There are "street-boys" (voyous de la rue), who strive to obtain
the blacking of your boots. I wear varnished boots, but I throw the
boys a penny. They are surprised, for an Englishman will not give
a penny without that they first black his boots. This is the com-
mercial spirit.
.«.
• 0^011 would be enormous but for the suicides regularly
in November, when many speculators shoot themselves because they
see that they are insolvable.
•••
" Self" everywhere. Their motto is " Heaven helps those who
help themselves.''^ [A thief who commits a robbery is said to help
himself. Therefore, among the English, theft is blessed by Heaven,
but I believe when it is discovered it is punished.
»•»
Le Dimanche they'call their " Sun-day," that is, " Day of the
Sun." And why ? It is not more a day of the sun than another.
The English believe in the existence of The Sun. That which is
among us a matter of knowledge, is, among the English, an object
of belief. Still, there are some of them who have seen the Sun.
»*.
' A young man says familiarly, in speaking of his father, My
Governor. Yesterday I was placed at the side of the coachman of
an omnibus. He spoke of his " Governor." I have remarked this
often among the coachmen of omnibuses. Thus, in all the cases, an
office becomes hereditary. The coachman becomes Proprietor, and
it is his son who seats himself upon the throne, that is to say, the
" driving-box " of his father.
**»
In France, a son tells all to his mother. They say that this is
impossible in England. Here "to tell your mother" is a sneer
used among boys. Also, "your Grandmother" is not a word to
excite veneration, but, on the contrary, to raise shouts of laughter,
and the phrase itself expresses incredulity. An adjuration is not
here made more solemn by an appeal to "the tomb of my mother."
To demand of any one, "How's your mother ?" is to mock your-
self of him. This is barbarous, brutal, is it not ?
**»
The exaggeration of the costume of the Rich Aristocracy is
shocking. They pile up rhododendrons in their hair, with red
ribands, violet dresses, green petticoats, immense shawls as far as
the heels, gloves of a vivid yellow, rings and large gold chains like
the Queens of savages. This they call " showy."
**»
The only distinction between a Clergyman and a waiter is the coat.
The former wears zfrockcoat, the latter a tailcoat. All the washer-
MAY 4, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
189
LUCUS A NON LUCENDO."
" TUGAL', HAY* YE GOT A LICHT !" " Y«s, TONAL', BUT IT'S OCT.
NUPTI.E IN EXCELSIS.
THE scene was, 0 how passing fair,
When, 'twiit the young and high-born pair,
The nuptial knot was tied !
The pink of fashion and of grace
The Bridegroom looked, and, all in lace,
With roses mantling o'er her face,
How beautiful the Bride !
0 finery of the Bridesmaids' train,
And Priesthood of the Sacred Fane
In more superb array !
And 0 to view the liveries all
From many a noble Servants' Hall !
And how the heart it did enthral
To hear the organ play !
" 0 JEAMES ! " soft MAKT, sighing, said,
" Sure marriages in Heaven are made
Between a man and wife."
" Aw ! Yas," JEAMES answered— gorgeous he
As Servitor in plush could be —
" Such marriages as wot we see.
Marriages in 'Igh Life."
A Book of Taking Leaves.
with Authors is the title of a newly
published volume. As a pendant may be suggested, Last
Nights with Acton, though perhaps this would form
too bulky a tome, considering no actor now-a-days ever
retires from the stage without such a repetition of posi-
tively " last nights as, if recorded, would be, like their
own farewells, interminable. They ought, in fact, to
include in the bill of their final exit the appropriate
ballad, "Fare thee well, and if far ever," &e., together
with the equally a prupoi comedy of Much Adoo about
Nothing.
MBS. PARTINGTON wants to know why some of the
Sowing-Machine Advertisers do not call their machine
the Ceres. Her nephew, who is learning the Heathen
Misogyny, tells her that Ceres first taught Sowing.
women (blanchiseuses) belong to the Established Church, on account
of the White Chokers.
.%
All clergymen marry and have many infants. In the country he
is the Country -gentleman, also he is a Magistrate. In brief, an
English Clergyman is a Magistrate who preaches.
.».
The Religion of the English is Respectability. The Clergyman is
a model of Respectability. The exterior signs of Respectability are
a shining hat, gloves, boots large, strong, and well blackened, and
an umbrella: always the umbrella. All the persons, the most
religious, carry an umbrella. In China the umbrella is a sign of
rank, here it is a mark of a person very devout. The bigger the
umbrella, the more the religious fervour. They appear to think
that it is as rainy above the skies as it is here below. Their wives
have not any rank in the Church, but they are a great power.
.%
In Scotland, it is not permitted even to whistle on the Sunday.
My friend, WAOO, tells me, however, that " you must whistle for
what you want." I remark this contradiction. But they are an
obstinate race, the Scots.
•*.
Between each house and the pavement there is a hedge of iron
and a deep ditch. This latter is the Moat. This explains their
proverb, Every Englishman's house is his Castle."
SiiAKsrEARE, speaking of his country, has said, "The Rain it
rameth every day."
.•»
If an Englishman pays a small sum of money to a Magistrate, he
may beat his own wife. If a wife complains, she may be imprisoned.
• JS n°L the cnstom here, as we used to suppose, to sell the
wives. The husband is their Lord- and- Master. But my friend
WAOO tells me that a husband always speaks of his wife as his
Missis. This, which at first I had mistaken for something wrong
at the root of English society, is, I find, intended to be compli-
mentary ; but only a compliment, as the facts are as above-said.
•••
I am now going to dine with my friend WAGO at his Club. I am
sorry that we have introduced this word Club chez nout. The
" Club " is the resort of savages, fierce and brutal, not of men polite
and civilised. But my friend W. tells me that this name has been
given by the married women to these cercles. This is their wit
(esprit). WAOO, my friend, waits me at the door in a Hansom.
X • • • •
A SIDE-SPLITTER, QUITE BEYOND A JOKE.
" What did the Government ask us to do ? They said, < Cut your Bill in
two, and drop one portion.' My simple answer is, that it is absolutely impos-
sible for us to do so." — frofator fawcett in Thursday' t Debate.
Bur why impossible, with will
As our Professor 's hearty ?
FAWCETT can surely split his Bill,
Who so can split his Party 1
Double or Single?
THE announcement of Autumn as to the Ballot Bill appears not
very likely to be verified from the indications of Spring. The Bill,
which was to present itself at the door of the House of Lords with
"an authoritative knock," looks as if its knock would resemble a
housemaid's rather than that of a footman. Of course, however,
the knock, whatever may be its nature, will not be the knock of a
servant out of place.
Li mieux est Vennemi du bien, saith the French proverb. " The
well is the enemy of the mew," said the poor cat who had fallen in,
and who was deservedly drewned for joking at such a moment.
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 4, 187?.
A BENEDICTION!
Irish Beggarwoinan (to our friend, Dr. 0' Gorman, whose Nose is of the shortest). " WON'T YE GIVE its A COPPER, DOCTHEE DEAR ?
THEY, NOW, IP YE HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT !— AND MAY THE BUSSED SAINTS INOEASE YE!"
Dr. 0' Gorman. "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOE YOU."
Beggarwoman. " 0, THIN, THE LARD PRJSAEVE YER EYESIGHT, FOE THE CIVIL A NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE ' SPECS ' UPON 1 ! "
GLADSTONE'S LITTLE MONITOR.
(Respectfully dedicated to the EIGHT HONOXTRABLE
E. P. BOUVEBIE, M.P.)
I 'M highly blest in many ways
'Mong British public men ;
The Liberal side my nod obeys —
Unless 'tis now and then.
But if for one boon more than all
My thankful knee should bend,
'Tis for that comfort which we call
"The d. good-natured friend."
My temper may be sometimes soured
By jar of public toil ;
Sometimes on raws I may have poured
Acid instead of oil ;
But if opponents to my fault
Indulgence weak extend.
You touch me up with Attic salt,
My d. good-natured friend !
No orator can cope with me,
At least so I am told :
Other men's speech may silvern be,
But mine, they say, is gold :
But if my style a blemish show,
The flaw I may depend
One candid critic 's sure to blow —
My d. good-natured friend !
I 've toils of body, moils of mind,
And chafes of work and will ;
Some that I make, some that I find—
The first the weightiest still.
But toils and moils and chafes to me
Should all to blessings tend,
" Improved " as they are still by thee,
My d. good-natured friend !
I never fell into a pit,
But you cried, " Served him right ! "
Ne'er in my teeth I took the bit.
But you sung, " Hold him tight ! "
Sometimes before my scrapes begin,
But so sure as they end,
Thy wholesome " one — two " is put in,
My d. good-natured friend !
Were there an office consecrate
To candour and good-will,
'Tis thee that I would nominate
That office-chair to fill ;
Then with good pay, work not too hard
Mankind thou shouldst amend,
Nor I my flank from thee need guard,
My d. good-natured friend !
Crab and Creed.
THE parsons in Convocation resolve to stick to what they call the
Creed of St. Athanasius, probably on the principle on which CUTIEK
approved his colleagues' definition of a Crab. tf We call it a red fish
that walks backwards." "Perfect, Messieurs, quite perfect; only
that a Crab is not red, nor is it a fish, nor does it walk backwards."
The Creed of St. Athanasius may be so named, subject to the remark
that it is not a Creed (having no credo), that Athanasius was not a
Saint (by any means), and that he had nothing to do with the com-
position of the document. Creed and Crab, however, would.have a
resemblance if the latter went backwards !
Printed I l»j • Joiepj Smith i o( _No , u Holfort Square, In the Pari.h of 8t Jam™, Clerkcnwell, in the County of Middle.-*, at the Printing Office, of Mesm. Bradbury, Evan., * Co., Lomoud,
reel, In the Prec.nU of liV hitefrlan, in the; City of London, and PublU wd by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the p»riah of St. Bride, City of I/mdon.-SiT/aDir, May 4, lite.
MAY 11, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
191
frame ptnlreto.
OBIIT APRIL 30, 1872.
WITII a very deep sorrow we record the loss of another old friend arid colleague. HORACE
MAYHEW has been unexpectedly called away. Associated with this periodical from nearly its
earliest days, he was for years an indefatigable and valuable contributor, and when fortune had
rendered him independent of labour, he continued to share our counsels, and he never abated his
earnest interest in our work. This testimonial is easy. But when we would speak of the manly
simplicity and childlike affection of his nature, of his indomitable cheerfulness, of his ready
generosity, and of his singular sweetness of temper, we can write only what must seem to those who
knew him not, in excess of the truth, while it fails to do justice to our own knowledge of a beloved
friend. But in the affectionate memories of us all his worth and lovingness will be treasured while
memory remains to us. Heavy is the grief that has fallen on those who lived in friendship with
the kind, the just, the gentle " POSNY" MAYHEW.
SIR STEENDALE BENNETT.
IT is but partly true that " the world knows nothing of its greatest
men." The world knows something of STERNDALE BENNETT, now
SIR STEBNDALE BENNETT, KNIGHT, so deservedly created for being a
Composer of very considerable magnitude. No doubt the QUEEN,
who understands music, created that Knight with a will. A testi-
monial on the strength of the honour thus conferred on him has
been presented to SIR BENNETT, as our neighbours wiU_ call
him, in St. James's Hall. This testimonial was a scroll containing
a record of subscriptions for a Sterndale-Bennett Scholarship, and a
Sterndale-Bennett Prize, in the Royal Academy of Music.
Everybody also in the world who knows anything, knows that
STERNDALE BENNETT is a composer of the higher kind of music.
There is music and music ; there are composers and composers.
Some music is inarticulate poetry. Other music is inarticulate
small talk and chatter. Much music, very popular for a time, is of
a sort that would gratify a monkey having a musical ear. Other
music, less popular with the million, but popular for all time,
delights hearers whose mind and affections differentiate them from
monkeys, and ally them with higher intelligences. In the matter
of music 8ra STERNDALE BENNETT, like MR. DISRAELI in another
way, is on the side, not of the Ape, but of the Angel. His music is
such as the Divine WILLIAMS, and the Divine JOHNS (see Paradise
Lost}, mean by music when they extol it. It is akin to the music
which HERE BHEITMANN wanted when he said—
Whereupon—
" Derefore a Miserere
Vilt dou, be-ghostet, spiel,
Und Take be-raised yearnin,
Also a holy feel "
" Dey blay crate dinpis from MOZART,
BEETHOVEN, and MfinuL,
Mil chorals of SEBASTIAN HACK
Sooplime and peaudiful.
Der HUTUTMANN feels like holy saints,
l)e tears run down his fuss ;
Und he Bopped out "
The BHTETMANN sobbed out in very strong High Dntch his sense of
true Art-enjoyment. But beside those " crate dings " which BREIT-
MANN mentions, he would certainly rank the works of STEHNDALE
HEXNETT. Let those who have ears to hear, and souls to feel, but
not, perhaps, schooling to understand scientifically, that nobler
music, hear the ATTOBNEY-GENERAL. In his discourse on presenting
the Testimonial to its recipient, SIR JOHN COLERIDGE said : —
" Most of those who were listening to him were cultivated, intelligent, and
VOL. LIU.
critical musicians, who could appreciate the value of SIR STIKNDALE BEN-
NETT'S compositions ; but, not being a musician himself, he could only listen
to them, feeling something of their grace and beauty of order — fancying,
indeed, in some dim and distant way, that he could distinguish something of
their scholarly character and finished structure ; but, nevertheless, feeling
rather as a child towards them than as being possessed of that full and intelli-
gent knowledge which belonged to those whom he was addressing."
Still they that occupy the room of the unlearned in music are in
no worse position to be delighted with it, if they have music in their
souls, than the analogous majority of the spectators who are now
crowding the Exhibition rooms of the Koyal Academy are to
derive pleasure from pictures. If these can open their eyes, those
can open their ears ; and the technically unlearned, for the matter
of that, are as much, and as little at a disadvantage with SIB STEBN-
DALE BENNETT as they are with Bra JOSHUA REYNOLDS. An un-
lettered swain or bumpkin of natural parts, unable to read SHAK-
M'KAKE, may, nevertheless, seeing SHAKSPEARE acted, be able to
understand a considerable some of him, as they say in New England.
And now SHAKSPEARE has again been mentioned, it is observable
that his name was introduced by the ATTORNEY-GENERAL into his
address on presenting the Bennett testimonial : —
"Until very lately, music in this country had not taken its proper place in
the world of intellect. CHAUCER, SHAKBPEAUE, MILTON, WORDSWORTH,
BACON, NEWTON, I'I.AXMAN, and CHANTRKY were amongst the greatest
men of all countries, and their fame was known to all the world. But the
names of PUKCELL, HORNE, and BISHOP, of BOYCE and CHOFT, and of FIELD
and Oxsi.ow, in their respective schools of composition, were but little known
or appreciated beyond the limits of the English empire, and beyond the limits
of English-speaking people. It had been the good fortune of Bin STKHMJAI.I
BENNETT to break through that kind of provincialism."
So that now, SIR JOHN, albeit no scientific musician, perceives
that English music has at last taken its proper place in the world of
intellect, and taken it on a level with the works of the greatest men
of all countries, whose fame is known to all the world. One of
those men is SHAKSPEARE, and music has taken its place along with
SHAXSPEABE'S works by the good fortune of STERNDALE BENNETT.
"Shilly-Shally."
MR. TOOLE has lately been playing the character of Neefit,—
perhaps James Neefit or William Neefit,— but no matter, the point
of this being that, we trust, whenever the occasion arises, the public
will crowd to see his Ben-neefit. [Ahem ! Puffs from Sir Hubert
Punch are Puffs indeed. This too is the more genuine as it is by
ONE WHO HASN'T SEEN THE PLAY.]
192
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARI.
[MAY 11, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, April 29. — Govern-
ment promises a Bill for
making the Registration of
Births compulsory. This is
quite right. Suppose a per-
son were born on the 29th
April, and his parents
omitted to register him,
andl he lived to be a hun-
dred years old, and ME.
THOMS (who we hope will
edit Notes and Queries
until he is a hundred years
old, as ably as he does now)
should demand evidence of
the longevity, and it could
not be given, and longevity
were the only feat of the
person's life. This would
be very hard. Or, suppose,
as may happen, a person
born on the 29th April
should do a number of good
and great things— say con-
tributing to Punch were
one of the greatest — and
when the tablet for West-
minster Abbey had to be
inscribed, the date of his
birth could not be ascer-
tained.
More Ballot in Commons,
who are dreadfully anxious
to provide for taking the
votes of the persons who
ought not to be allowed to
vote at all, that is, the illi-
terate. The tender anxiety I
manifested (in their behalf •
is quite touching. It would
be irreverent to suggest
that some Members do not
think the ignorant unlikely
to support them at elections,
"jolly" good defiant thing. Somebody remarked
ME. FOHSTEH said
E. OHSTEH sa a oy goo eant tng. omeoy remare
that an illiterate voter might be puzzled between names of some similarity,
as FORSTEB, FORDYCE, and FUNKUM. The Minister laughed, and said that
there was nobody in Bradford, at least, who would confound FOESTER and
Fankum.
It seems that some Jews think it wicked to write their names on Saturday.
For the benefit of these enlightened persons it is proposed to introduce a pro-
vision that they may vote orally. In the East — and, for what we know, here
— scrupulous Hebrews employ Christian servants to do Sabbath work— but this
would not answer in the voting case, as it would admit a second person to
knowledge of the vote. But we do not quite understand the morality of the
objection— if an ass fell into a pit, a Jew of old would have helped him out on
the Sabbath day — how much more should he help out a wise Candidate who
may have got into a hole ?
Tuesday. — A week would not be complete unless the Government received a
defeat of some kind. This time the LOUD-CHANCELLOR kindly managed the
disaster for his colleagues and friends. His Bill for making a Supreme Court
of Appeal came on for Second Reading ; LORDS CAIRNS and WESTBURY tore
it to pieces, and the latter sweetly remarked, that " it would not bear dis-
cussion." LORD CAIRNS, in the course of his resolute attack, said the Bill
might possibly be a proof that MB. GLADSTONE had "thought thrice," and
was going to destroy the House of Lords. The poor Government measure was
extinguished without a division.
LOBD CLARENCE PAGET wrote to the Times to say, that the reason our
Iron-clads have gone on shore was that they had not steam-power enough,
and that the Commanders did not put on steam-power because they were
afraid of being wigged by the Admiralty for extravagance in coals. MB.
GOSCHEN answered this by denying it, and produced an old instruction (18G6)
in which LOBD CLABENCE himself had strongly impressed on all officers in
command the necessity of being economical with their coals. That order had
been revised. LORD CLAEENCE rejoins, that his instructions referred to a
different kind of vessel, but on the whole he has not, gladiatorially, exactly the
best of the quarrel, though he is most likely quite right in his original statement.
The Druid CAEDWELL— vide a delightful picture of him in the Academy —
says that much consideration is being given as to the selection of centres for
his Druidical Circles, or military departments. There is much amuaing matter
connected with this subject. Some localities are begging to have the soldiers,
while others are declaring against them, and saying that the presence of the
military is demoralisation. Still, if "all the parishes "are to be defended,
it is ungracious in any parish to refuse to aid in the pre-
parations.
Is the public generally aware that there are Civil
Servants in Ireland— servants of the State, we mean ?
The domestic servant in Ireland is always civil, only
very unlike the Centurion's excellent domestic. To an
Irish servant you say, " Do this," and he doesn't do it ;
but then he gives you so pleasant a reason for his disobe-
dience, that you can't be very angry, unless you are in
the habit of keeping your 'anger in wholesome exercise.
The State servants complain that they are not paid so
well as those in England. But then, living is much
dearer in England. However, their grievance is to be
looked into.
MB. H. B. SHEBIDAN was moving for a Committee on
the Income-tax, when the House was Counted Out. Of
course. The House, as MB. LOWE said, is much too
Solvent to care about people who have not large for-
tunes. How would an Impecunious Parliament answer,
for a Session or so ?
Wednesday. — A "Woman's Day. The ladies crowded
their gallery to hear MB. JACOB BRIGHT try to stick
up a Jacob's ladder for them to climb to power. He
stated their case very agreeably. MB. BOUVEEIE gave
battle, and urged that though the proposal was now to
give Votes to Single Women only (whereby very naughty
persons would obtain a privilege denied to virtuous
matrons), the next thing would be to give votes to Wives,
and then we should set ourselves against the heavenly
law which declares that man and wife are one flesh —
only the male half is to be the Lord and Master. There
was a good deal of fun in the debate, and it was finished
by the ATTORNEY-GENEEAL for England supporting the
Bill and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL for Ireland opposing
it, and "chaffing" his learned colleague. He said that
he himself had once supported the measure, and telling a
la ly that he had done so, she replied, " Indeed then, I
think you might have been much better employed."
The majority of the House was of the lady's mind, and
rejected; the Bill by 222 to 143.
But we owe the ladies some revenge, so here we insert,
from the Standard, an extract from a speech made at
a Woman's Suffrage Conference the next day, MB. EAST-
WICK, M.P., in the chair : —
" MRS. GEORQE SIMS, a lady of stately proportions, who made
really the most characteristic speech of the day, said that she
was quite willing her husband should vote, although his poli-
tical opinions were totally opposed to hers. (Laughter.) She
thought they had hetter leave the Bill as it was at present.
Although she was a married woman, she was content to wait
until after her single sisters were enfranchised. (Hear, hear.)
When they had got one wedge in they would soon pull the other
in. (Laughter.') The time she had expended in trying to ' edu-
cate ' men up to the proper point on this question was some-
thing quite surpriaing. (Loud laughter.) The gentleman who
had previously spoken (MR. HOSKINS) had not been so long a
married man as she had been a married woman (laughter);
therefore he was walking on the sunny side ; but she knew that
there was a shady side to matrimony. (Loud laughter.) Refer-
ring to married women not being sufficiently educated, she
observed that most women were married in their green youth,
and therefore had to be subsequently educated. She had great
faith in worrying (great laughter) , and advised the ladies to use
that, and all other available methods of persuasion, to attain
their object. (Cheers.)"
Thursday.— In both Houses we had somewhat mys-
terious, but still satisfactory explanations from Ministers
on the Alabama Claims question. LORD GEANVILLE and
MR. GLADSTONE, who had, of course, arranged that their
language should be the same, "had grounds for hoping
that an arrangement satisfactory to both countries would
be attained." In other words', the Bunkum Wind-Bag
has Bust, as JONATHAN all along intended that it should
do, only, being rather a mischievous — well — playful
JONATHAN he wanted to see whether the blatant appa-
rition would disconcert JOHNNY BULL. Away goes the
Bunkum-Bag to the winds, and JOHN and JONATHAN
have a laugh and a liquor. " Solids and Suctions for
two," as they say in Happy TJmught Hall.
The Licensing Bill was read a Second Time in the
Lords. The Hours must be altered, that's certain.
The provisions against adulterations of drinks are excel-
lent, and the only fault is that a wicked Bung will
have to nail up on his own door a placard stating the
iniquity for which he has been convicted, instead of
having his own ears nailed there. The BISHOP OF PETEH-
MAT 11, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
193
BOKOunn spoke out like a man against tyrannical restric-
tions, :ni(l mid that if ho had to choose between a free
England that drank and a sober England that abstained
u, he would vote for Liberty, because that might
mean Improvement.
In the Commons, MR. LOWE said that Government
certainly did intend to prosecute, at the public- expense,
for 1'iijury and I'orgery, a person calling himself TlCH-
. He did not know what the prosecution would
I'eing asked to take a previous vote, MR. LOWK
pointedly repl ltd, "If I spend the money iirst, how can
1 take a previous
The greediness of Members for holidays would dis-
grace a schoolboy. Easter ' hotbir-
A'liitaunti.: ry pro-
prrjy told them ; hat it dtfMvbd on how they got through
their work.
The Hall-: <ed through Committee. Some
mplained that it would 1m hard on Irish
voters who could not speak English. Xnw, i* it rat nut
that an tilucat'-ii man's vote snal ''eed by that
of an iirnormat Mvofre who canni>' >'it the
name of the person who is to make laws '' Go to.
Another Irish grievance— a Bill to repeal an Act against
unlawful meetings and mock Parliaments, was thrown
out by 1 15 to ..'7. The Home Rule men supported it,
and LORD HAKTtrwrojf plainly told them that in their
ranks were lots of Fenians, which caused a great bellow, j
1'riilny. — In the Commons we had more about the '
Wellington Monument, which may possibly be finished
in a year and a half. As we have before said, the
Great Duke's Eame can afford to wait for her pedestal,
but that does not excuse our rulers' negligence. In a
debate raised by Sfau FAWCKTT, who does not think that
the Law Officers of the Crown ought to carry on private
practice, came a speech by the ATTOTWEY-OKNKKAL,
who said that it was his own practice and not Govern-
ment, business that he had neglected for the sake of the
Tichborne Case, and the SOLICITOR-GENERAL said that
since taking office he had given up two-thirds of his
own practice. MR. HAKCOCHT'S taking up the quarrel
brought down on him the plain-spoken MB. LOCKE, who
said that instead of always rinding fault with everybody
else, MR. HABCOUBT should himself try to do something
good. Mr. Punch is glad to conclude with a statement
that the aggregate House did something good. It for-
warded, by a stage, the Bill for Protecting Infant Life.
c
INCREDIBLE INTELLIGENCE.
ACCORDING to advices from Spain : —
" The participation of the curds in the Carlist Hung was
fully continued. The cures used their influence to render the
insurrection u religious war."
Thus said a Paris telegram. As if Roman Catholic
priests were capable of fomenting war and bloodshed,
even in the interests of the Papacy. It is a pity that the
telegrams are not edited by some of the Irish gentlemen
of the Press who exercise so manifest an influence on the
tone of a large portion of it in regard to the fictions of
Protestant bigotry.
An Excuse for any Fools.
SUPPOSE a lot of people were to parade the streets
preceded by a band of music, and bearing flags and
banners, and shouting and cheering noisily as they
marched along — would not people say they were drunk ':
No ; for they know that Teetotallers are accustomed to
make demonstrations of that frantic description. But
what if drunken rabbles took to doing the same,
calling themselves Bacchanals ? Would the Police have
orders to interfere with them ? Of course not. Inter-
fere with the worship of Bacchus ! That would be
infringing religious liberty, and insulting the sacred
feelings of oiir fellow-subjects.
VESUVIUS !
VESUVIUS choked the Elder of the PUTTIES ;
As it served that Philosopher, serves ninnies.
"EXEMPLI GRATIA."
Ancient Mariner (to crtdiilou* Yachtsman). " A'MIBAL LORD NELSON ! BLKSS
TEE, I KNOWED HIM ; SERVED TJNDEB HIM. MAN? 's THE TlMB I 'VB AS'KD HIM
FOR A BIT o' 'BAOCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIS" o' YOU ; AND SAYS HB, ' WELL, 1'
AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS TOT; MIGHT BAT TO MB; 'BUT HERB'S A SIIILLIN'
FOR YEB,' SAYS HE " ! I
PROPERTY AND PICTURES.
THERE has lately been a rather interesting picture-sale in London, and the
prices realised have been described as " fabulous." Synchronously with this
sale, there has been an auction of a small house in the City, and the price which
is reported we likewise might call fabulous, if we considered that a proper
epithet to use in describing, not a fable, but a matter of mere fact : —
" The freehold of a email City tavern hag ju»t been sold for £20,800. The frontage it
only eighteen feet, and the full depth fifty-five feet."
A little scrap of ground, with a little house upon it, purchased at the rate of
more than twenty pounds a foot, may be considered to have realised a very pretty
price. Many pictures may less fairly claim the epithet of pretty, than such a
very pretty little property as this. Canvas covered by the art of TCRSEB,
CLAUDE, or RAPHAEL would no doubt be cheaply purchased at twenty pounds
a foot ; but how many yards of canvass are annually hung upon the walls of
picture galleries which would be dearly bought at a tenth port of that price !
Without detracting in the least from the value of Fine Art, we may assume that
common clay or gravel, overlaid judiciously with common bricks and mortar,
may prove a prettier property than many a picture-buyer may be able to
possess.
Query for Convocation.
IT was a Broad Church Father, perhaps, who said Credo qtiia impot»ibil«
est. Very likely no fool. Consider. In your Ciceronian Latin, indeed, " quia"
is "because." But in your ecclesiastical Latin "quia" is also " that.'1 This
latter conjunction may nave been the quia intended by the holy but rational
man in his confession of faith above quoted. It is possible that he merely
expressed a belief without assigning1 a reason.
IXTEI.I.IOEXCE.
A HORSEY man, hearing mention made of the " Latin Races," wished to
know where they were held.
194
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 11, 1872
GENTLE OVERTURES TOWARDS FRIENDSHIP.
First Stranger. "I DECLARE, SIR, THAT WOMEN ARE GETTING MORE OUTRAGEOUSLY DECOLTAY EVERY DAY. JUST LOOK OVER
THERE, AT THAT PRODIGIOUS OLD PoRPOISK WITH THE EYEGLASS ! "
Second Stranger, " HUM ! HA I YES I I CAN'T HELP THINKING SHE'S A MORE FESTIVE-LOOKING OBJECT THAN THAT FUNEREAL
OLD FilUMP WITH THE FAN I "
First Stranger. "THE ' FUNEREAL OLD FBUMP"S ifr WIFE, SIR!"
Second Stranger. "THE 'PRODIGIOUS OLD PORPOISE" is MISS! LET'S GO AND HAVE SOME TEA!"
THE FLAG OF DUNDEE.
AIK— " Sonny Dundee."
" On Friday night a meeting of Domestic Servants resident in Dundee and
neighbourhood was held. Two girls addressed the meeting at some length,
contending that Domestic Servants were entitled to a half holiday weekly and
a free Sabbath every fortnight, or a full holiday once a fortnight. Hours
should be from six to ten, and no labour on Sunday except what was abso-
lutely necessary. A long and animated discussion afterwards took place as to
the restrictions which were placed upon the wearing apparel of the Servants.
If they were compelled to wear what was generally known as a ' flag,' it
should be at the expense of the Mistress. The opinion was, however, that it
ought not to be worn at all. Mistresses had no right to interfere with Ser-
vants' apparel in any way so long as it was paid for. What right had Mis-
tresses to pry into the character of their Servants ? It was high time that
the Domestic Servants should form themselves into an organisation, whereby
they would be enabled to secure information as to the characters, temper, and
conduct of those who might become their employers. It was agreed to form
an Association." — Dundee Advertiser, April 20.
"SEKV ANTS' GRIEVANCES. — A crowded meeting of Gentlemen's Servants
was held last night at the Temperance Hall, Leamington, to discuss their
grievances. MB. SOLUS, butler at Leamington College, presided, but the
great mass of the meeting consisted apparently of coachmen, gardeners, and
stablemen. The Chairman asserted that the condition of many Gentlemen's
Servants was worse than that of slaves, complained of the long hours butlers,
gardeners, and others had to work for the wages they received, and advocated
meeting a number of members were enrolled." — Leamington Courier, April 25.
To the Leamington flunkeys 'twas SOLUS that spoke :
" The Warwickshire labourers' strike is a joke
To what when we strike the sensation will be —
Come follow the housemaids of Bonny Dundee !
" Come, from buttons to butler, from tiger to groom ;
Come, gard'ner from greenhouse, and coachman from brougham ;
Come open your grievances, open them free,
And follow the ' flag ' of the Maids of Dundee."
Stop SOLLIS who can, now he 's once on his feet,
Though Leamington's dowagers plaintive may bleat,
Though her bilious old Indians more bilious may be,
When Leamington follows the lead of Dundee.
" Come, from buttons to butler," &e.
As SOLLIS the wrongs of the liveried made known,
Some thought of the trumpets at Jericho blown,
And those lights hid in pitchers seemed butlers to be,
Ere they followed the housemaids of Bonny Dundee !
" Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
" What, though with three meat-meals a-day we are crammed,
Till in laced coats and plush fellers' figures feel jammed ;
Though with beer, and e'en wines, Servants' 'Alls may flow free,
Why should men not strike here, if maids strike in Dundee ?
" Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
" Even hedgers and ditchers can strike, so one hears,
And if they 're Labour's Commoners, we are her Peers ;
Who should know on which side our bread 's buttered but we ?—
Though for grievances Leamington mayn't be Dundee !
" Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
' Let Masters complain we 're ' fed better than taught ; '
There 'a an answer to that, which it is ' So we ought ! '
Why if Servants' 'All fare, like its schoolin' should be,
'Twouldn't breed pluck to follow the Maids of Dundee !
"Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAY 11, 1872.
i(
BUSTED UP!"
MR. Btnx. " HA ! I THOUGHT YOU 'D BURST HIM AT LAST ! "
JONATHAN. " WA-AL, OLD BOSS ! GUESS, IT 'S JIST WHAT WE MEAIO1 TO DEW-STRAIGHT THRE-EW '.
LET'S LIQUOR UP."
MAY 11, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
197
" If you ask me our object— for what in I goes ?
My answer is simple—' I follow my nose.'
Something wrong somewhere soon it will smell out, you 11 see,
Till it does, we will march with the flag of Dundee I
" Come, from buttons to butler, &c.
" There are butlers from south, there are gardeners from north—
And from pantry to pinery word has gone forth—
' Find out wrongs, if wrongs are ; if not, made let them be,
And up with the flag of the Maids of Dundee.'
" Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
" There 's JEAMES in his powder, his plush, and his pride ;
There 's the groom in his leathers, cravat squarely tied ;
The state-coachman in wig and bouquet, broad as three, —
Body-servants and guards for the maids of Dundee !
" Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
" Our hours are too long : keys ain't left in the locks :
Wines are booked in the cellar, and plate in the box :
Tradesmen's tips ain't the good they was once, and should be ;-
Here are reasons to follow the Maids of Dundee ! "
" Come, from buttons to butler," Ac.
So the war-notes from SOLI.IS'S brazen trump blown
Have their wrongs that still languish in livery made known ;
And if Servants raise statues, a statue let 's sec
Of SOLUS embracing a maid of Dundee !
" Come, from buttons to butler," &c.
THE WORD FOR WOMEN.
HY, they don't want any,
and they shan't have any.
That is nearly as much as
can, with reason and jus-
tice, be said against the
proposal to give women
Votes. It is too true that,
as a body, they don't want
any. By far the greater
number of men in posses-
sion of the franchise are
such as those who in-
stantly assemble round a
cab-horse gone down in
the street, and stand star-
ing at it on the pavement,
where they obstruct the
wise. The women who
stop and stare are com-
paratively few. Hence it
may be inferred that
women in general are not
more empty-headed than
men. But were they ever
so stupid and foolish, the
votes of a majority of
female electors would
neutralise those of the
majority of the opposite
sex, and how very" desirable that would be!
If women wanted the franchise, they might have it. There would
be no need for them to hold meetings in Hyde Park, so as to annoy
the upper classes and intimidate the Government. They could get
themselves enfranchised by holding up a finger, or without even so
much as that. Three words would do it. " Enfranchise us, Or "
Suppose, for example, that the women all agreed to say to every
Member of Parliament, or other men who opposed their claims to
political emancipation, — " I tell you what. Unless you promise, on
your honour, to vote in the House and on the hustings for Female
Suffrage, I won't dance with you." Does any man imagine that if
the ladies, all, or the greater part of them, were to say that, and
stick to it, another Session would pass away before the concession of
entire justice to women ?
Did we say three words would emancipate womankind? One
word would— a monosyllable. They might refuse, also, to sew on
buttons ; in short, might strike altogether. Women eould obtain
all their rights, and a great deal more, if they would only make up
their minds to say " No."
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
Ttm Last Evening njmit tii/ ME. BARLOW and MASTXRS ffARRT SAJID-
roRD and Toxur MERTON at Torcombc Abbey Boardiny-House.
BUT now the attention of all the Boarders at Torcombe Abbey
Boarding-House was fixed upon making preparations for a ball,
which the worthy proprietors of this establishment had deter-
mined upon giving, in order to celebrate, in a becoming manner,
the last evening which MR. BAELOW and MASTERS HAERY SAITD-
FOKD and TOMMY MERTON (whose father, they had heard, was an
exceedingly wealthy man) would pass among them.
The whole house was full of milliners, dressmakers, shoemakers,
tailors, barbers, and dancing-masters ; and all the young ladies and
gentlemen were emplpved in giving directions for their clothes,
awaiting their turn with the curling tongs, or with the machinery
for hair-brushing, which MASTER TOMMY tad insisted upon having
erected in the grounds of the house at his own expense, or in prac-
tising the steps of the different dances.
MB. BABLOW was grieved on observing that the elderly ladies
were as much interested in their own toilettes as about those of
their daughters, and instead of hearing from Mus. BLOBBSOMBH and
Mas. PEJIUKLE lessons of conduct and wisdom, nothing seemed to
employ their attention a moment but French muslins, trimmings,
lace, satins, jupes. and crepe de Chine surmontf de coquilles de
crepeUne rerte. which Miss SornoNisBA PEJINKLE protested was
now worn by all the grand ladies at Court.
As for MASTER TOMMY, who had by this time contracted an infi-
nite fondness for all such scenes of dissipation as his young
friends MASTERS SMASH and BBUMPTON were daily describing to
him, he was now wholly occupied in Ithe curling of his hair and
adorning his person. He had hired four servants to wait upon him,
and was now in a fair way to gratify all his caprices. He considered
it fine to be humorsome, haughty, unjust, and selfish to the
extreme, and vowed that nothinglwas of any consequence as long as
he was happy, and indeed he went so far as to boldly assert that he
might be a glutton and an ignorant blockhead if only his hair was
trimmed in the mode, his person perfumed, his dress of exquisite
style, and his politeness to the ladies unimpeached.
Once indeed HAERY had thrown him into a disagreeable train of
thinking by asking him through the keyhole of his door (for during
his toilette MASTER TOMMY denied himself to even bis most intimate
friends), whether he remembered the story of Empedocles and the
Unsophisticated Sausage, but on reflecting that nothing so spoils the
face as an air of profound meditation, MASTER TOMMY dismissed
the inquiry with a curt negative, and a harsh retort.
Miss SMTTDQKTNS and her Uncle alone appeared to view all these
proceedings with contempt, and the latter invited HARBY during the
afternoon to renew the game of ecartf, to which proposition HARBY,
after some show of reluctance, courteously acceded. Fortune now
seemed to be as favourable to HAEEY as on the previous occasion she
had been to the REV. ZEHOTHELTTS POTTS, who, in spite of his age
and proficiency, soon discovered that he was no longer a match for
his youthful adversary. At the expiration of two hours he admitted
that he had lost a far larger sum than he could possibly hope to pay,
unless MASTEE HARRY would accept from him such a document as
MB. BAELOW, who had been for some time an unseen but no unin-
terested spectator of the game, had now stepped forward to propose.
" Indeed, added the venerable enthusiast, I shall presently lack
the means to defray my modest expenses at this Boarding-House."
HARRY, whose generous nature was not proof against the tears
which accompanied this speech, now disappeared from the room for
a few minutes, and presently returned, with the glow of health on
his countenance, occasioned by the haste with which he had per-
formed his errand, and put into the trembling hands of Miss
SMTTDGKIIIB' Uncle a parcel that contained some of MASTER TOMMY'S
cast-off clothes, linen, and other necessaries, together with a bad
half-sovereign, the property of which had been originally vested in
the RET. ZEKOTHELUS POTTS himself. The wrathy old gentleman
received these presents with gratitude, and almost'with tears of joy,
and, on looking up into his benefactor's face, protested that MASTER
HARRY'S countenance, which the demands of truth compelled him to
describe as plain, if not positively ugly, now appeared to him to wear
such an angelic expression as he had only wen in picture-backs, sculp-
tured on tombstones, engraved on ancient door-knockers, orportrayed
in bright colours on the outer coverings of sentimental ballads.
Mr. Barlow. I see, HARRY, that yon are a boy of a noble and
generous spirit, and I highly approve of everything you have done.
You are better and wiser than all these fine young gentlemen and
ladies, though you do not curl your hair. You cannot at this
moment act more in accordance with the dictates of -philosophy and
prudence, than by confiding to my care the amount of money which
you have won from this estimable but unhappy gentleman.
Harry. Your remark, Sir, reminds me of the story of Zero and
thr St-!f asserting Plumber, which, as you have none of you heard it, I
will now proceed to narrate. You must know, then
But at this moment the gong summoned them to the ball-room,
whither Miss SMTDGKINS insisted upon MASTER HARRY conducting
her.
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
I MAT 11, 1872.
VISION OF BURLINGTON HOUSE, SIXTH OF MAY.
MAT 11, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
199
AUGUSTUS HATES CALLS.
"AlTGFSTUS, LOVB, LET MB BlfTRSAT YOU ! DO NOT GIVE WAY TO ANT
INSANE DEMONSTRATIONS OF DELIGHT BEFORE THE SERVANT, IF SHE SAYS THEY 'BE
NOT AT HOME ! "
BIRDS AND BAIT.
0 MEN of Warwickshire! 0 Men of Peterborough! 0 ye constituents of
Ma. W BALLET and MB. NEWDEGATE ! Look here :—
" ARCHBISHOP MANNING has issued a circular order to the clergy of his dioeeee pro-
hibiting the employment of female vocalists in their church choirs after the end of
September next.
Here is proof for yon of the increase of Popery. "Women are no longer
necessary in Roman- Catholic choirs. So Ions as they were wanted for decoy
they were all very well ; but now the nets fill at such a rate that it is hoped
they will go on filling independently of those call-birds. Priests of the order
of MANNING, we know, would rather do without women altogether if possible,
in the choir at any rate. Not that their Reverences hold that there is anything
specifically evil in womanhood (that were anathema), but they would, have
women keep to themselves as much as may be, and they consider that the
best place for the very best of them is a nunnery. True, it was a female
voice that first sung the Magnificat ; but that was an exception, and it was not
in a choir.
Never mind, Protestant friends. MANNING does not know, or consider,
that the music of the Mass is, with thinking men, the strongest argument
for the Mass dogma. It (the German especially) opposes reason with the
thought that strains so heavenly cannot have been inspired by nonsense. A
poor philosopher suspects it to be more likely that he should himself be partially
an v ' w than *?*?* HATDN wasi °r MOZART. Now, then, what will MOZART'S
2th Mass be without the female voices ? Just what his Don Juan, or Magic
tlute, or Marriage of Figaro would be minus the same. The Mass will De
',, e-,,a mess -of' an" the argument from the music thereof much impaired.
But Masses will also be sung in Exeter Hall. There they will be sung apart
from any dogma, and without prejudice to reason. They will be sung there
with the female voices in. Perad venture Exeter Hall may cut the "Pro-
Cathedral out. In the meanwhile it is worthy of note that, of there be any
lards that have been ensnared by Mass music, now that they are in captivity
their music is to be in a measure cut off. It may be that their captors will
by-and-by subject them to yet further privation. They will sec.
PUBLICANS AND PEERS.— Thank goodness we have a House of Lords, mine
th .-1 Isn't the Licensing Bill a Landlord's question •
VALHALLABALLOO.
TUNE— (Old Country Maying) " The Triumph."
0 THE Happy in Valhalla !
There is drink, and nought to pay,
There have public-houses all a
Right to enter, night and day.
Gin and brandy,
Always handy,
Rum and whiskey, brave souls cheer,
Port and sherry,
Claret, very
Best of Burgundy and beer.
There intoxicating fluids
As they 're called by donkeys dire,
Britons, Norsemen, Scalds and Druids,
With celestial joys inspire.
That abode in
There swigs ODIN,
There swigs BALDER, there swigs THOR ;
need warning
That, next morning
They will be unfit for war.
There swigs ARTHUR, ever able
Bowl to drain, his Knights of fame
Also Bwig at his Round Table,
Nev<-r roll beneath the same.
There CADWALLON
Takes his gallon
After gallon every night,
Likewise MEBLUT
Early purl in,
Sore as dawns the morning light.
There each evening's recreation
Doth next morn s reflection bear
Never, after compotation,
Brain doth headache split and tear.
None know shaking
Hands on waking.
Of the soda-water cure
None are needy ;
None are seedy.
All the liquors are so pure.
There does dread delirium tremens
Toper never more attack.
Busy bodies any plea men's
Freedom to curtail would lack.
But there are none,
Platforms there none,
With declaiming Bores abound ;
WILFRID LAWSON
There, and DAWSOIT
BUBNS, and such, can none be found.
That 's where drinking courses lead not
To the workhouse and the gaol ;
Publicans a licence need not
Wine, beer, spirits, to retail ;
No coercion
Spoils excursion
On a Sunday ; bars are free :
Sabbatarians
None at variance
There would stand with you and me.
Heroes there spend hours in pleasure
Here which Prigs consume in jaw.
There 's no question of a measure
Fit for schoolboys to be law.
And the doughty,
No more gouty,
As they were when cooped in clay,
In Valhalla.
Fal-lal-lal-la!
Merrily, merrily, sing for aye.
About the Size of it.
APROPOS of certain claims, which certain people seem
to think are not a whit more monstrous than those in the
Alabama Case, JAWETNS says he is reminded of the story
of the Irishman who boasted that he had an illigant
foine property, only the rightful owner, like a blayguard,
kept him out of it.
200
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVAKL
[MAY 11, 1872.
<*.
THE PIC-NIC.
Playful Widow. " JUMP ME DOWN, ME. FIOOINS! !"
[The gallant little Man did his best, but fell — in her estimation for ever/
A STIR IN THE KITCHEN.
EMUXOTJS of the example of her Caledonian sister, the English
female Domestic Servant is about to initiate a movement to better Tier-
self, and to form an Association to protect her interests against that
worst of all tyrants, despots, enemies, oppressors, and down-treaders —
" Missis." Preliminary conferences have already been held in halls
and kitchens of the first respectability, and as soon as the weather is
finally settled, a great open-air meeting will be called at an hour
convenient to those whom a hard fate compels to dish up a late
dinner, at which the following programme will be recommended for
adoption, as essential to the comfort, happiness, self-respect, and
independence of all those whom suckumstances oblige to resort to
domestic service for their livelihood : —
No Servant to accept an engagement until she has first received a
satisfactory character of the Mistress who is anxious to secure her
assistance.
Public waiting-rooms to be established, at which Mistresses shall
attend (at their own cost), to be inspected and questioned by their
intending employees.
No Servant to permit, on any pretext, the slightest difference in
the quality or quantity of the provisions supplied to the parlour and
the kitchen. The best tea always to be provided, and an absolute
prohibition to be placed upon the use of moist sugar.
No Mistress to enter her own kitchen, without giving previous
notice of her intention to its occupants.
No cupboards, sideboards, store-rooms, or cellars to be kept locked.
Free access to the beer-barrel.
No Servant to be rung up in the morning, or expected to retire to
rest at a certain hour at night.
No interference to be allowed with a Servant's dress, of which she
is to be considered the best and only judge. Artificial flowers, veils,
jewellery, parasols, chignons, and high-heeled boots to pass unques-
tioned and unnoticed.
No restriction to be placed on kitchen company. Male friends to
have the entree to that apartment whenever it may be agreeable to
them. (This last stipulation to be a sine quay non.)
Cold meat to be eaten only at breakfast, luncheon, tea, and supper.
Charwomen to be engaged to undertake such onerous and disagree-
able duties as washing, scrubbing, black-leading grates, lighting
fires, preparing the rooms for the reception of the family in the
morning, making beds, cleaning boots and knives, &c.
Servants with musical tastes and acquirements to be allowed the
use of the piano.
A supply of newspapers, magazines, and reviews, and a subscription
to a circulating library for the exclusive accommodation of the kitchen.
The total abolition of the irksome and barbarous custom of washing
at home.
All such degrading terms as "place," "wages," "character,"
and "maid of all work," to be forbidden; and, in their stead,
"situation" or "engagement," "salary," "testimonials," and
"general domestic" to be employed. The word "kitchen" to be
gradually discontinued in favour of " Servants' Apartment."
Two half-holidays a week. Vacations at Christmas, Easter, and
Whitsuntide, and a month's leave of absence in the summer (with-
out any deduction from salary), for the sea-side, the Continent, &c.
An evening party once a month.
The Sunday question to be a matter of special negotiation ; but
all leave of absence on that day to be considered to apply to the
whole of it, and no hour to be fixed for the return of domestics to
their duties at night.
All salaries to be paid in advance, and Servants to he entitled to
draw as much money as they please on account.
Servants not to be required to give warning, but all existing
customsj as regards notice, wages, &c., on the part of employers, to
remain in full force.
The extension of the franchise to Domestic Servants.
No caps.
Sporting Parallel.
BIG Prince Charlie won the "Two Thousand." Ton see every
enormous Pretender to the honours of a fine Race does notj break
down before the Judge.
Printed by Joteph Smith, of NoJ!4, Holford Fqmre.ln the Parl'h of St. Jamrs. n,.,k»nwHl. In tbe County of Middimex, »t the Pl*nt(HR OBc-n of MPMT.. BradburT. HY.H«, « Co. Tomburd
Street, In in« Frec'nct of Whmfrian, In the I ity of Londun, and fubluhed by him, at No. FJ, Fleet B.reet, in the Faruh of St. biiCe, citj of Lundon.— 5itii»oiv , M»J 11, 1872.
MAT 18, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
201
"HERE BE TRUTHS i"
Art Critic (who, having " liquored up " considerably, fails to observe that as yet he
'is only in the Lobby of the Sale-Room, and is standing before a Mirror which, pur-
chased at a previous Sale, still retains its Ticket). " AH ! PORTRAIT 'F GRN'LKMAN,
I SH'POSK — (hie/— writes) — DRAWING EXSH'CR'BLB — ORBAT WANT 'TASTB IN THE
CHOICE 'F SHDBJKCT I— FIT ONLY FOB A FLACK IN TAP-ROOM OF 'PUBLIC-
ODSBtl"
MAGEE BEFORE MANNING.
Two Bishops, by different tailors arrayed,
One known to the law, and the other PoPK-made,
Both anxious to make men from guzzle abstain,
By different methods their object would gain.
Says MANNING— " That drink's such a terrible thing,
Such ruin and wreck on its victims does bring,
I claim that a certain majority's vote
Shut doors interpose may 'twixt tipple and throat.
An evil it is, humankind to infest,
Too gross to be suffered ; it most be repressed.
Of liquor— to stem lush if other means fail —
I say, let a Maine Law prohibit the sale."
Our Bishop would men from excess have desist
Induced by such means as with virtue consist.
" Free England and sober I wish," says MAOKK,
" But if free or sober, why then England— Free."
The titular Prelate speaks such prelates' mind :
For they to their aprons would pin all mankind :
Would subject the world, if they could, to priest-rule,
And grown-up folk govern as children at school.
The Prelate we own, with a far other ken,
Discerns that men need to be governed as men ;
That poor slaves of Vice will be slaves of Vice still,
For all check imposed on the acts of their will.
"Were Englishmen sober like slaves, from their swipes,
Unwilling, restrained but by terror of stripes,
Might evil not then find a vent in worse works
Than even the sots' — were they sober as Turks ?
No, pedants and priests. Britons drink may eschew,
By choice, but not schooled like your kiss-my-rod crew.
No rod for them save what, with masterly touch,
Punch lays on the fellows who liquor too much.
A Mistaken Idea.
WHEN COURT BKUST. in his speech at the Literary
Fund Dinner — one of the best made on that occasion
—said that though the youngest of the Diplomatic
Body " he could not aspire to the eminence of a Ben-
jamin," thoughtless people imagined that His Excel-
lency meant a complimentary reference to MB. DISBAELI,
who was present, and one of the chief speakers.
MRS. CHURCHER'S COMFORT.
0 SHOCKING! Dreadful! Here is things come to a pretty pass
indeed.
Talkin', in Convocation too, agin the Athanasian Creed.
Some wants to clip and cut it down— and Clergymen — I don't know
whether
Some others on 'em ain't inclined for to expinge it altogether.
0 yes !— and then there's some besides with which I ain't a got no
patience :
Let it stand how it stands, says they, but soaped with notes and
explanations.
Why, if twas all explained, and one quite understood it when one
read it,
Believin' on it every word would then no longer be no credit.
Hut there is parts of it you can't mistake their purpose and intention ;
of
mention ;
Them clauses of a certain name which out of Church 'tis wrong to
Hand therefore which a femil pen to name without hysterics* panses ;
Suppose, however, if you please, we says the drattatory clauses.
They 're clear enough, straight up, right down, smack smooth, and
no mistake whatever ;
There 's none pertends they 're dubersome but sitch as is by half too
clever.
Get out with your non-nateral sense, all sorts of contradictions
screcnin' ;
I takes 'cm in the littery, plain English, dixonary meanin'.
* MRS. C. is supposed to mean asterisks.
Even a heathen Lord, 1 ' ve heerd, a Poet, owned thev give him pleasure,
They lay the law down so distink, in sitch a cumpherensive measure.
Then much more them that never let their minds with hargiment be
shaken,
And leastways there is sure they han't no cause to tremble for their
bacon.
Not what I wants to have that full and true account of my persua-
sions
Repeated every Sunday ; no, but only upon grand occasions.
St. Athanasius' Creed I calls a treat which more than we deserve is,
Poor creaturs, than for to be let have said or sung at common service.
Keep it, but read no more, some says— my nose turns up at 'em like
inions.
Yah, Jerry Sneaks that han't a got the courage of their own
opinions !
But thanks be praised, there won't be no sitch base and wild accom-
modation.
Yes, thankful 'tis we ought to be there's one staunch 'Ouse of
Convocation.
The Athanasian Creed ne'er read ! One 's sperrits what a dismal
gloom on I
Drat all that of her comfort would at Church deprive a poor old 'ooman .
And quite a link, as I may say, of 'eavenly feeling would be broken ;
Like 'avin' to 'ear that sweet word, Mesopotamia, no more spoken.
Twelfth Night; or, What Tou Won't.
Sir Toby. Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall
be no more cakes and ale "
Sfalvolio. As many cakes as you please, but no ale at all.
VOL. LXH.
202
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, Mny 6.— The prospects
of the Government are im-
proving, as the summer ad-
vances. Prosoeets usually
improve by fine weather.
Punch unhesitatingly sacri-
fices truth to epigram— any-
body can tell the truth, few
to the Government, not as the
those entrusted with important
country had shown
Government, but at
public interests.
MH. GUILDFOBD ONSLOW asked why the public were
to prosecute CASIEO, when OVEKEND AND GURNEY had
not been so prosecuted. MR. LOWE gave an elaborate
answer, particularly weak as regarded the commercial
frauds, but not weak at all as regarded CASTEO. He,
MB. LOWE said, was charged with wilful and corrupt
perjury on a gigantic scale, with trying to rob an infant,
and with slandering a virtuous lady. If guilty, it was
- . "
an w sanerng a vruous ay. guy, was
people can inake epigrams- d-ffi u . inffa case f £ turpitude" and the
the weather has been any- j enormoug *se to whioh l
may fam;i^mm,1/1%,MTOTlf »!,„;,
thing but fine, and
seems to be getting like her
old husband January. But
to revert. The Ministry, we
are happy to say, were de-
feated only three times this
week, once comically, once
seriously, and once serio-
comically. TOM MOOBE tells
us of a certain JACK, who was
ubiquitous.
" A friend of his one evening said,
As home he took his pensive
way,
' Upon my soul, I fear JACK 's
dead,
I 've seen him but three times
to-day.' "
had put the Tichborne
family would prevent their prosecuting him. The House
of Commons cheered.
Several dull topics were discussed to no purpose, and
then there was a relief in the shape of a personal ques-
tion. Why was COLONEL THE HONOURABLE CHARLES
WHITE made Lord-Lieutenant of Clare, he being a non-
resident in that county, and a stranger to its Magis-
trates. There was very smart talk on this. The real
reason was that COLONEL WHITE is a son of LORD
ANNALY, who has fought a series of tremendously
expensive elections in the Liberal interest. LOBD PAL-
MEBSTON gave him a Peerage, and there can be no
objection to his son's appointment, as LORD ANNALY
gives him a fine estate, on which he will build a fine
ouse. The Clare gentry — what did LADY MOEOAK say
about
"PAT O'DAISY, and MISTRESS CASEY" —
make a disturbance ; but when the hospitable young
L.L. and Guardsman shall have given some dinners and
balls, his merits will be discovered. There was plenty
of ,. spice " exhibited " as usual when Irishmen have to
In the House of Lords EARL
GHANYILLE made urgent
appeal to EARL RUSSELL
again to postpone his motion , pepper Iri8hmen. This incident shall be noticed. MR.
on the Washington ireaty. | BERNAI OSBORNE used SHERIDAN'S phrase, "damned
good-natured friends." He was actually called to order
by Members who had evidently never heard of the
School for Scandal. Why, Mr. Punch himself, who
never permits a coarse word to appear in his pages, except
when he nails it up as a warning (and even then he de-
be postponed, an unkind iicately enfolds it in periphrase), had a poem— and a
proposition, considering how j yery admirable and beautiful one the other day— about
Loras|the d. good-natured friend. We shall have SHAK-
' I SPEARE called to order next, for describing a bleeding
soldier and a perished heath by adjectives which the
lower orders use after their nature. There is nothing
so vulgar as " gentility."
Wednesday.— To-day came the Serio-Comic Defeat.
It was moved by MR. GLYN, for ME. GLADSTONE, that
He begged this publicly and
privately, and LORD RUSSELL
was obliged to assent, but
demanded that the Whit-
suntide holidays should also
frightfully hard the
work, very seldom sitting less
than an hour and a half.
Finally, the motion stood over
for a week.
The ATTORNEY - GENERAL
gave Magistrates a hint which
they may as well notice. MR.
the Committee should not sit next day, being Ascension-
Day, before two o'clock. ME. BOTTVERIE, who though
educated at Trinity, is a Suotch Member, and does not
recognise religious festivals, opposed the motion on the
ground that the time of witnesses ought not to be
wasted that certain folks might fro to church. And,
snapping a division, he beat the Government by 52 to
47 ; majority, Five. Bad management again ; why was
not somebody put up to talk until Churchmen could be
fetched ? Or had they 'all gone off to Chester_to see the
Cup won by Inveresk f
SIR WILFBID LAWSON moved the Second Reading of
his Bill for permitting people to refuse to permit other
people to have liquids. Mr. Punch is at once too im-
patient with the fanatics, and too weary of the topic to
say more than that the Bill would have been very com-
pletely extinguished, but for the artful device of pre-
venting a division on the merits, by allegation that a
lot of Irish Members wished to speak. The numbers
against adjournment testified to the feeling of the Com-
mons ; there were 369 to 15 ; but as the hour for ad-
journing the House itself was near, the Bill became a
Dropped Order. We can hear no more of it till the 24th
of July, when the House will be in a kicking frame of
mind. Not having been present, Mr. Punch cannot say
whether SLR LAWSON realised the lines in Rokeby : —
" WILFRID changed colour, and, amazed,
Turned short, and on the SPEAKER gized."
(Canto iv. 31.)
Thursday. — The Lords Spiritual, of course, abstained
from sitting to-day, and the Lords Temporal followed
their example. In the Commons, ME. BEKESPOUD HOPE
made some remarks on the Ascension-Day division, and
0 , complained that his own religious feelings, and those of
warm expression of the extraordinary forbearance which Parliament and the Members of both the English and the Catholic Churches,
M. GUEST alluded to the want
of severity in punishing brutal outrages. SIB JOHN COLERIDGE said that
the fault was not so much ia the law as in those who administered it. Some
of the ridiculously lenient sentences of last week confirm this statement.
Then came the Serious Defeat of the Government. We shall tell the story
with American brevity. MB. GOBDON, Member for Glasgow Universities,
moved, on the proposal to go into Committee on the Scotch Education Bill, that
regard should be Had to the old law and custom of Scotland touching imparting
Biblical instruction in schools. It was known that the Opposition would rally
strongly on this, so the Silent System was adopted on the Liberal side, and
Conservatives were allowed to go on, unanswered. But they were not to be
done, and protracted the debate till nearly midnight, when ME. FOBSTEB got
alarmed, and tried to make matters pleasant. He did not exactly succeed, for
when the division was taken, MB. GORDON beat the Government by 216 to 209
— majority Seven. "My Jo!" how the Tories shouted— over and over again.
The four tellers were obliged to stand still, and abstain from telling anything
while the frantic cheers went up. It was delightful to witness such earnestness
in the cause of religion.
Tuesday.— We repeal the Party Processions Act for Ireland. You see, it can't
be enforced against Fenians and the like, so it would be hard to enforce it
against Orangemen. " But where is dat Barty now ? "
We protected the Pacific Islanders, and LORD CARNARVON made some remarks
which were sincere, like everything he says, but which may excite comment in
pious circles. Referring to the desire by the BISHOP OF LICHFIELD that no
vengeance should be taken for the murder of BISHOP PATTERSON, LORD CAR-
NARVON said that in the mouth of the prelate the sentiment of leaving the
punishment to Heaven was highly proper, but it could not indicate the course
the State ought to adopt. LORD CARNARVON unconsciously joined the Libera-
tion Society. If ever there was a divorce of religious from secular duty, it
was pronounced in this autoschediastic fashion. But, dear LORD CARNARVON,
what says TERTITLLIAN '(—Punch is sure you know TERTULLIAN— " Vani
erimus si putaverimus id quod clericis non licet laicis liccre."
MR. GLADSTONE volunteered a promise to let the Commons know, at the same
time as the Lords, the state of the American negotiations ; and he added
MAT 18, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
203
had been wounded. Ms. GLADSTONE expressed his
earnest regret at the occurrence, and believed that the
division failed to express the feelings of a large majority.
Very well, dear Sir, but why was not a majority secured ?
We to"k th. Kullot Bill, and hereon came the Comic
defeat. In order to meet those who wanted to lengthen
the hours of p "llin<r, that working-men might be patriotic
without the slightest inconvenience to themselves, the
Government had prepared a clause of an amusing kind.
If an election took place in one of tlic four tine months
(01 those that ought to be fine), the poll was to be open
till eight, but in other months it was to close eithrr at
seven or at five. The Committee was not by any means
delighted with this ingenious plan for incorporating the
Almanack with the P.rttish Constitution. The Commons
tit' England do not sharu the reverence for the Alma-
iinek which, in ono of poor NAT. LEE'S plays, a Greek
mob exhibits: —
" Second Citizen. An to his coming from the gods, that's no
Creat matter. Tiny eiin all my that. But lie's a great Itholar.
He can make Almanacks, an he were put to it ; aud therefore, I
Bay, hear him."
After a good deal of "sukkasm," and a general ex-
pression of feeling that no change was wanted, and as
- >mehody said the ]iro]i"-al was "all nonsense," Mi:,
announced that the Government would vote
ngainst its own Motion— which it did ; and, with Oppo-
sition and other aid, defeated Itself by 350 to 48 ;
majority, Three Hundred and Two.
But a good thing was done. Public Nomination of
Candidates was abolished. A capital description of the
idle, useless, and ti'i^y domination Day was read, and
then its author was named — the author of Coningsby.
Everybody ought to be glad that a day when at the
best, Clap-trap, and at the worst, Blackguardism, is in
the ascendant, shall cease to disgrace our Elections.
Vet there were many to stand up and talk nonsense in
behalf of the old abomination, and the clause was
carried by 2.13 against a minority of 177. • " What
imports the Nomination of this Gentleman?" asks
Jla mint. The answer ought to be, that he desires to
represent an enlightened constituency. "Then," might
be the rejoinder, " why present him te a howling rabble,
that pelts him with rotten eggs and stale fish ? " " The
wisdom of our ancestors." If they lived now, as MR.
BEHNAL OSBORNE amusingly said, they would know
better.
Friday.— The Lords were on the Liquors, and tried to
soften some of the wholesome Government restrictions —
not on potations, but on Bung. But the Minister stood
with arms aKimberle y, and upheld the sterner legislation.
Nun dolet is the Ministerial remark, after the Scotch
" tawse." The Education Bill was to go on when the
Ballot had gone t>ff.
A debate on Reformatory Schools brought out much
proof of their great value, and MB. llKLAUUNTTgot upon
Irish representation— we need scarcely add that a slight
arithmetical exercise, performed by ME. BBAKD, cleared
the House in excellent time for an tight o'clock dinner.
Lines on Liquor Lawson.
SIR WIXFRID LAWSON did make ono
In DII.KK'S minority of two.
Ally of a Republican
And advocate of Tyrants— pooh !
Sweet Thing to Say.
A LITERARY genth man, a believer in Spiritualism,
paid that he was himself the subject of spiritual in-
fluence, under which he always wrote his articles, thus
being, in the work of authorship, a Medium. " That,"
remarked a pleasant friend, "may account for your
mediocrity."
BRIBERY AJTD BALLOT.
THE Ballot will, we are told, put a stop to Bribery.
"Will itP What is to prevent a Candidate for a seat in
Parliament from betting any odds against his own return
with an elector, arid, if he loses his bet by gaining his
election, from paying the money ?
MAY DAY IN 1872.
EAR MR. PUNCH,
You take wild
freaks into your
head. What on earth
induced you to des-
patch me to see an
f' Old English May-
Day Festival " ? At
your time of life,
you really should
know better than to
believe in such
things. I obeyed,
of course, because
you make it worth
my while to obey ;
but truly 1 feel that
though, for that
reason, I did not
^TOW away my
time, you threw
away a handsome
guerdon. Obliged,
all the same.
Sir, this old Eng-
lish May-Day fes-
tival was held at
Cocoanutsford, some
ten miles from Cot-
tonopolis, where I
was visiting. I left
the latter place, in
company with as
many persons as more
than tilled a train of
about half a mile
long. They were all
deluded, like your-
self, with the hope of seeing something. I and my half-mile of friends
having arrived at Cocoanutsford, hastened to observe the goodish old English
rule of eating, at festival time, about three times as much as was needful.
After appropriate libation, we then proceeded in a mass to. the Green, and
prepared to feel medieval and feudal, and all that.
What did I expect to see ? you ask. Sir, I expected to see at least forty
beautiful damsels, clad in short skirts and the most beautiful red shoes
and stockings, with low-necked dresses and bewitching hats, with wreaths
and bouquets of spring-flowers (the age of the aforesaid damsels to be about
eighteen), surrounding the May Queen, a Houri of such loveliness that I
should immediately fall in love with her. To accompany them I wanted shep-
herd lads with pink stockings, chintz knee-breeches, profusely decorated with
ribbons, short green silk jackets, and blue hats with feathers, who^would play
old English tunes on clarinets, and dance round a Maypole in Watteau-like
attitudes.
What did 1 see ? Sir, I saw a hot Volunteer bana, who came up playing
a psalm-tune, heading a procession of dirty little boys and girls, who bore
flags with religious and secular inscriptions. After these followed two boys
dressed as jesters, in a cart drawn by a donkey ; then Bobin Hood and Maid
Marian, and a knight on horseback, whom 1 first thought was kindly lent
by the LORD MAYOR, till I discovered he was Will Scarlet : then came a
cart decorated with laurels and other vegetables, including paper flowers, among
which sat the May Queen, whom you must allow me to call a "Kid" of seven,
freckled, with red hair and a turn-up nose.
Sir, I fled from the scene, and drowned my sorrows in the flowing bowl, and
it wasn't till I had had a couple of sodas-and-sherry that I summoned up enough
courage to return to the spot. The children were dancing, the May Queen was
sitting in a red-and-blue chair under a twopenny Maypole, the Volunteer
band was playing that peculiarly doleful music proper to country dances, and
the crowd, not blooming rustics, but Cottonopolitan clerks and the like, were fast
approaching that state from which dull care is driven away.
But were there no amends ? Was there no one vision of grace and glory to be
associated with my recollections of May Day ? Yes, Sir, for this world is full of
compensations. Mine cost a penny. This I laid out at the entrance to a well,
the vulgar call it a Booth, but let us say a Bower. Enshrined in this retreat
sat— Sir, who is the fattest lady of your acquaintance f You need not name
her, but multiply her by seven, and you have the great feature of. the
Cocoanuttford May-Day Festival.
Festivals have g-one by. But 1 shall be happy to dine with you at Greenwich
whenever you like.
Yours, very obediently,
EPICURUS GRACUJS.
GOOD ADVICE. — Never do things by halves, except when you send us Bank-
notes by post.
204
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 18, 187i\
WILLING TO PLEASE.
Mistress (to Lazy Housemaid). " Now, MART, TOU KNOW I 'M GOING TO GIVE A BALL TO-MORROW NIGHT, AND I SHALL EXPECT
TOU TO BESTIR YOURSELF, AND MAKE TOURSELF GENERALLT USEFUL."
Mary. " YES, M'M. Btri I'M SORRY TO SAT, M'M, / CAN'T DANCB!"
A WAEN1NG TO OUK WILLIAM !
WILL, have you had the beating yet
You 'scape no week together ?
At last I fear you '11 hardened get
In heart as well as leather.
Once when you left the whipping-place,
'Twas with a look of sorrow ;
But now you come out with a face
Says " Whip again to-morrow ! "
A boy can't be flogged every week,
And yet as Prefect trusted :
Stout DOCTOR BULL, who hates a sneak,
With a shirk feels disgusted.
Though pluck "s a noble quality
In man or schoolboy either,
Pluck that takes licking quietly,
Does credit, WILL, to neither.
There 's scarce a task that you 've had set,
But birch for it you 've tasted :
Your talent all admit, and yet
Your wit in words seems wasted.
More haste worse speed, — still with your work
You muddle, mull, and mess on,
To expel you DOCTOR BULL 'twould irk,
But you must learn your lesson t
Plucky Reply.
Examiner. Give some account of BEEOSUS.
Candidate. He was a drunken character.
EPISTOLARY GEM.
ME. PUNCH has just seen, in the Era, a letter so charming that
he must extract a— nay, as the fair writer would probably say, must
cull a rose-leaf from the perfumed treasury. An English lady
named MARKHAM (as to her Christian name we are uncertain, as the
Era calls her "LYDIA" and the letter is signed "PAULINE," hut
both names are delightful) is performing in America. Miss MABK-
HAM desires to thank the American Press for its kindness. There
has been an exception, it seems, but that may pass. Hear the rest of
the Pauline epistle : —
" I have been sufficiently abused by private individuals through, malice,
because possibly I did not smile upon them or receive them as friends. I am
but human, a free, good-hearted, frank woman. To the public what could I
say ? Could I, upon my bended knees, show to the American people how
grateful I am to them for .the support and encouragement I hare receired at
their hands, for their indulgent kindness to me when I hare been ill, and
their hearty applause, which has ever greeted my efforts to please them, I
would gladly bend to them daily. I lore America dearly, for during my
sojourn here I have never known an American gentleman to insult the name
of or abuse a woman. Concerning my professional abilities, I will leave the
public to judge of them. Myself and confrere! are, nightly or daily, as we
may happen to appear, drawing full houses, and I never seem to miss an
encore. The bouquet* that I receive are beautiful, and I ever take them to
my happy home, where the air is 'musical with birds." I never felt more
competent to please, nor more healthy than at present. So please tender my
thanks to the entire Press, save the Philadelphia paper, and assure them I
hope they may continue as well in health, as happy and contented in mind,
as theirs, gratefully, <> pAULQrB MABKHAK."
We think this letter so nice. But we extract from it chiefly
because just now we wish the Americans to be exceedingly well
pleased with us, and we consider the above epistle calculated to do
the utmost good, and to remove any little irritation on the subject of
the Alabama Claims. So thanks to Miss LYDIA or PAULINE MARK-
HAM.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— MAT 18, 1872.
<
I mm ' ' "•- 9ff :'
J J . 'iPlV ^Bft I" ?vri"iKBP^- ' • jl
NISHME:;
. .
NON DOLET.
MH. PUNCH. " WILLIAM, WILLIAM, THIS IS VERY, F^JZr SAD ! WHY THESE REPEATED FLOGGINGS.
DEAR BOY ? NOT A WEEK PASSES BUT "
HEAD Bor. "ALL RIGHT, SIR! WHAT'S THE ODDS? IT DON'T HURT!!"
MAT 18, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
207
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
Last Evening of MASTERS TOMIIY MBRTOH and BARRY SAKDFORD with MR.
BARLOW at Torconibe Abbey Boarding- Iloiue, and their Departure /or their
Tutor's Residence.
AND now the
important event
of their stay at
Toreombe Abbey
Boarding - House
took place. The
gong which had
summoned Miss
SMDDUKINS and
MASTER HARBY so
peremptorily to the
saloon wag intended
to announce the
commencement of
the Grand Hull.
The honest mu-
sicians, who were
nothing loth to con-
tribute all their
skill towards the
enjoyment of the
young people, con-
siflted of one of the
•waiters at the esta-
blishment who |wai
a proficient on the
harp, accompanied
by his mother on the violin. ME. BARLOW, in order to prove to the assembly
that he was in. no degree behind the rest in fashionable accomplishments,
now produced, from his portmanteau, a flageolet, and professed himself ready,
should occasion require his services, to afford such assistance to the. dancers as
they could derive from either the Latt Rose of Summer or the National Anthem.
MASTER TOMMY (whose father it was now well known was a- very wealthy
man) was this evening dressed in an unusual style of elegance. His hair was
curled, his highly polished shoes reflected the brilliant lights which illuminated
the room, his dress was of the newest fashion,' and he was so highly scented as
to diffuse around him a delicious perfume which intoxicated the senses of the
aged, and added fresh vigour to the youthful votaries of pleasure.
" He "s like a bright vision ! " murmured MBS. PEJINKLE.
" A Hangel ! " exclaimed MBS. BLOBBSOMEB, rapturously, as MASTER TOMMY,
with the utmost grace and politeness, requested to be allowed to lead her
daughter out to dance.
At this signal, the Harper, after a brilliant prelude in which his venerable
relative was unable to join, commenced the first movement. Several polkas
and quadrilles were first danced, in which TOMMY had the honour of exhibiting
with Miss SomoNiSBA and Miss MATILDA.
Applauses resounded on every side. "What a helegant little creetur!"
exclaimed MBS. BLOBBSOMEK. " What a shape I " cried MBS. PEJIKKLE. " I
protest," said MBS. TABTUM, "he quite puts me in mind of the Apollyon
Belvidere ! " " Indeed," said.; MRS. HOOK EM to MB. BARLOW, " you are fortu-
nate in having the care of so excellent a youth, who promises to be the most
accomplished gentleman in Europe. We shall be delighted to see you, both,
at our house in London ; and, need I say, that an introduction to MASTER
MERTON'S parents will be estimated at its true value by MB. HOOKEM and
myself."
MR. BABLOW gracefully bowed his acknowledgments, and confessed that
few things would afford him more real pleasure than to accommodate his own
leisure, and that of his pupil, to the wishes of a lady whose appreciation of his
services was as just in theory as, it would no doubt prove to be, liberal in
practice.
As soon as TOMMY had finished his fourth dance, he led his partner to her seat
with a grace that surprised the company anew ; and then, with the sweetest con-
descension imaginable, he went from one lady to another, to receive the praises
which they warmly poured out upon him. MASTERS SMASH and BRUMPTON,
as Masters of the Ceremonies, now invited Miss SMTDGKINS to join in dancing
the Lancers, and, with hypocritical civility, they insisted upon its being HABRY'S
indis|>en8able duty to stand up as the young lady's partner. No sooner had he
placed himself by her side than the music, by a preconcerted signal, struck up.
HARBY now found himself completely caught, nor was it the least part of his
mortification to observe the RET. ZKNOTHELTJS POTTS and MR. BABLOW indulging
themselves in a hearty laugh, evidently at his expense, in a corner of the
room.
" I should'like," thought HABEY to himself, "to tell my revered tutor the
story of Xipkron and thr Punched Head "
But at this moment missing Miss SMTTDGKTNS from his side, and observing
that the dancers were now in motion, he nobly determined to do his best in order
to defeat the malicious intentions of his tormentors. As he was naturally
possessed of a tolerably good ear for music, he had not much trouble in accom-
modating his movements to the time of the tune, and, by uniformly preserving
his independence, he moved freely among his more accomplished companions
until the cessation of the dance showed him that they had
arrived at what. Miss SMUDUIUNS informed him, was the
conclusion of the First Figure.
This kind and excellent young lady, whose disposition
was as amiable as her manner was frank and open, now
addressed MASTER HAHBY as "A young muff, "such
a regular spoon as she 'd never seen : " and playfully
added, that in spite of his achievements at the card-table,
she could not henceforth think of him in any other cha-
racter than that of a " glorious duffer."
HARRY warmly thanked her for her estimate of him,
of which he declared himself wholly undeserving. The
Second Figure now commenced, and HABRY set nimself
to imitate the others in their steps, their bows, and their
courtesies, with so much fortitude, that although his
actions caused a general titter, yet Miss SMUDOKIMS told
him, on his returning to his place, that he had indeed
performed his part far better than could have been
possibly expected from any person who had never learned
one single step of dancing.
MR. BABLOW now considerately advanced behind tlie
young couple, and proffered to them both a couple of
tumblers tilled to the brim with a sparkling and most
agreeable liquor.
Thus refreshed, MASTER HARRY now set to work with
renewed vigour.
Determined, as Miss SMTTDOKINS (who, it will be re-
membered, was of Italian origin) said, "to lighten the
i ship," he handed over his money to the safe keeping of
Ma. BARLOW, who retired, in company with the RKV.
ZKHOTHELUS POTTS, to the Refreshment Room, and pre-
pared to join in the galop with which the Last Figure was
to conclude with all the abandonment of the most reck-
less Terpsiohorean.
Seizing the waist of Miss SMTDOKTNS with both arms,
he whirled round an.d round, until, in trying to avoid a
collision with MASTER SMASH and Miss MATILDA, he
brought his partner sharply against MASTER. TOMMY
and Miss SOPHONISBA, with such force as to cause the
four dancers to be all at once hurled violently on the
floor.
Here the unfortunate couples would have lain for
some considerable time, but for. the timely aid of MASTEKS
SMASH and BRUMPTON, who assisted the young ladies to
rise from their painful position.
MASTER TOMMY, who had been somewhat stupefied by
the suddenness of the shock, on sitting up, found him-
self by the side of his friend HARRY, whom he straight-
way began to upbraid as the cause of this misadventure.
Harry. Your observations, my dear TOMMY, remind
me of the story of Kodex and the Enamoured Troglodyte,
which, as you have not yet heard it, I will now pro-
ceed to relate. You must know then
Tommy. What! you impertinent jackanapes! you
beggar's brat ! you farmer's oaf ! do you mean to insult
me?
All the Company (led by MASTERS SMASH and BRTJMP-
. Well done, MASTER MEBTON ! Give it him !
TOW).
Miss SMCDOKINS here added " Bravo ! " But, as her
observation was in the Italian language, it passed un-
heeded by the assembly.
Harry. No, indeed, MASTER TOMMY. But I protest
that your question reminds me of the story of Tykon
and the Confounded Idiot, which
Tommy. What ! You little dirty blackguard !
You're a pretty fellow, indeed, to give yourself airs,
and pretend to be wiser than everyone else f
Everybody (with MR. BARLOW and Miss SMTTDOlcnrs'
Uncle in the background). Give it him, MASTER MEBTON !
Thrash him heartily for his impudence !
Harry. Alas, I perceive the effects of the evil example
of your companions, which reminds me of the story of
Polycrates and the Utter Donkey, which, my dear
TOMMY
Tommy. How, you rascal ! do you dare to address a
gentleman as "your dear TOMMY"! You are a pro-
digiously fine gentleman, indeed ! you are !
Harry. Alas! I had always thought you one till
now.
Tommy. How 1 you little contemptible scoundrel ! do
you dare say that I am not a gentleman ? Take that !
With this MASTEB TOMMY struck HARRY upon the
face with hia clenched fist.
HARRY'S fortitude was not proof against this treatment ;
he turned his face away, and murmuring that this
blow reminded him more forcibly than ever of the
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1872.
BARE NECESSARIES.
No. I (having her hair done). "PAPA SAYS HK WON'T HEAR OF MY MARRYING WITHOUT A HOUSE IN TOWN?"
No. 2 (at Tea). " AND MAMMA SAYS I 'M NOT TO THINK OF ANYONE WHO HAS NOT A MOOR IN SCOTLAND, AND A HUNTING-BOX
AT MELTON."
No. 3 (not yet "come out "). " WELL 1 / SHOULD NOT DREAM OF MARRYING ANYONB WHO CAN'T AFFORD ALL
story of Xerxes and the Fallacious Beetle, burst into an agony of
crying.
The words coward^ blackguard, oaf, were, with other choice nick-
names, now echoed in a chorus through the circle, and the Harper,
forgetting; his position in the excitement of the moment, seized him
hy the hair, in order that he might hold up his head and " show his
pretty face."
At this juncture, HABEY suddenly swung himself round, and
disengaging himself from the musician's clutch, threw him with so
much violence against his own instrument as to cause them to fall
together in such a position as to render the poor man's extrication
from the strings a matter of much anxiety to his weeping mother.
MASTER TOMMY now professed himself vastly grieved at his own
conduct, and proffered his hand to his friend, which, however,
HARBY, taking it for another attempt to strike him, warded off,
and returned by a punch of his fist, that overset MASTER TOMMY
and left him sobbing and panting on the floor.
HARRY now laid about him with such impartial justice as to cause
the spectators to entertain the sincerest respect for his courage.
MASTERS SMASH and BRUMPTON were levelled with the hearth-
rug at one blow, "And now," said MASTER HARRY, "if you
have not had enough to satisfy you, I will willingly give you some
more."
MR. BAHLOW here advanced, and protested that, for his part, he
considered that justice should be tempered with mercy, and in order
that no ill-feeling might remain, he had commanded the servant to
bring in three trays bearing glasses of negus, in which they could
all drink to one another's prosperity, after which ceremony he
further recommended them to shake hands all round, while he
would play to them God save the Queen on his flageolet.
At this proposal the whole assembly burst into tears, and HAHRY
and TOMMY embraced each other so cordially that their reconcilia-
tion was begun and completed in a moment.
DE HJERETICO OEDENDO.
THE Confessors who were consigned to a dungeon for beating the
heretic MURPHY to within an inch of his life in the interests of
religion, have been released by a Government which has perhaps
some dim idea of their heroic sanctity. This act of tardy justice,
the papers say, ''has excited some surprise." Why ? 0 !— because
MURPHY has in the [meanwhile died of the injuries which for
having inflicted upon him they were imprisoned. But MUEPHY
owed nis beating to his attacks upon a religion professed by many
persons of the superior classes moving in the most fashionable circles
of society, and not a few of them members of the House of Lords
itself. What is there to wonder at in the release of the Confessors
who beat him, from gaol ? The only wonder is that they were ever
sent there at all. They merely supplied the defects of the law,
which does not punish heretics at all. MUKPHY was only beaten
to death, whereas he ought to have been burnt. Still, his fate
may serve as a warning to others. Be it said, however, that
Punch had the reverse of sympathy with MURPHY'S ways, but
objects to Capital Punishment being awarded without reference to
law, and of course also objects to an Act of Indemnity for volunteer
executioners.
A Reason Why.
A CERTAIN sage gave China laws,
Ago above twice ten long ages ;
" i-be
CONFUCIUS he was called — because
He did confute all other sages ?
POETICAL ERROR.
" A THING of Beauty is a Joy for ever." Is it, my boy ?
it, and you will find that it is very much the reverse.
Marry
MAY 18, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
209
MISSING THE POINT.
Legal Adviser (speaking technically). " IN SHORT, YOU WANT TO MBKT TOUB
CKIDITOKS."
Innocent Client. "HANO IT, NO! WHT, THIY'RB TH* V»RT PBOPU I'M
MOST ANXIOUS TO A VOID ! "
OUR ALDERNEY MILKER.
MT name is JOHN BULL, I 'm a practical man,
So come, ye unpractical nations,
And learn how to follow my lead, if you can,
In making your calculations,
And be guided by me, when you lay down a plan,
By practical considerations !
Above all, when your taxpayers' cash you spend,
Let use be expenditure's measure :
In applying your means keep in view the end,
Nor make ducks and drakes of your treasure :
'Ware work which takes less to make than mend,
And can't be unmade at pleasure.
As a practical instance best illustrates roles,
If you 'd test the above by my own work,
You will find the best of all possible schools
In my Alderney- harbour stonework ;
Its lessons if you can't read, you are fools,
Who don't deserve to be shown work.
Lest France on that isle in a war should lay hand —
Though how, if she did, she could hold it,
Is a thing no fellow can understand —
With forts I resolved to enfold it,
And into a station for Channel-command,
By a breakwater to mould it.
With something like a mile of sea-wall
To build out the Atlantic,
In twenty fathom, is no joke at all —
It drove the contractors frantic —
'£ years' work going in six hours' squall,
To smithereens gigantic !
But luckily I was there to defy
The drawbacks to sea-walling :
Let ocean swallow ! my purse could supply
Hiatuses ne'er so appalling :
The louder Nep bade me eat humble pie,
The more I defied his squalling.
So I flung a million into the deep —
I would have Hung two millions —
Before my mile of sea-wall 'gan peep
From Ocean's green pavilions,
To amaze, by the breadth and strength of its steep,
Tars, soldiers, and civilians.
'Tis true it cost awful sums to repair,
And a fleet it wouldn't shelter,
If the wind from the South- East quarter should bear,
The sea would come in a pelter !
And the guns of to-day, from its forts, I 'm aware,
Would drive the men helter-skelter.
But if we couldn't hold it 'gainst JOHNNY CRAPAUD,
He, 'gainst us, couldn t hold it, either :
My breakwater ne'er would screen the foe,
And at worst, would be useful to neither !
If a million and a half must go.
That it goes so makes one blither !
And now this remarkable work 's achieved,
We come to the practical question,
As no good from it is, or can be, received,
Which useless expense I 'd best shun —
That of keeping up what 1 'ye thus upheaved,
Or of dishing, for Nep's digestion.
'Twill cost many thousands to keep in repair,
But 'twill cost still more for destroying :
That 's something tike work— no scamping there —
I know whom I 'm employing.
If one pays throngh the nose, it is but fair,
Of good work to have the enjoying !
With Neptune I 've fought for the Channel-sea,
Which I rule, though he swears he 's still king :
I don't like my Alderney milking me,
'Stead of me my Alderney milking :
But with sea-wall and forts to let Nep make free,
Seems the islanders like bilking.
So now, with the wise of my Commons' House
The problem I am weighing—
Oiv'n, millions in the sea flung — souse I—
How the drain on my purse to be staying ;
To kick down this trophy of practical noui —
Or to keep it up go on paying !
There, you unpractical Teutons and Celts,
Is the Anglo- Saxon's lesson !
Not for camps and forts his gold he melts,
Content with war's work to mess on :
If you 'd make ends meet, take up your belts,
And his lines carefully dress on I
LA CLEMENZA DI. BRUCE.
PARTICULAR attention is due to the subjoined state-
ment published in several papers :—
" WILLIAM RODPELL. — W« are requested to say, with refer-
ence to the statement that WILLIAM KUVPELL has declined the
offer of a ticket-of-leare, that all applications for his release on
licence hare been refused by the Secretary of State."
' Penal servitude during life was awarded to WLLLIAM
ROUFELL in punishment of an offence which he had
confessed and made every reparation for in his power.
But it was the offence of forging a will. If he had
only been guilty of beating a Protestant Lecturer to
death, in the first place he would not have got penal
servitude, and, in the next, would have .been let off
long ago.
Posterity's Benefactor.
Is a few years, when the face 9f England shall have
>een almost entirely overspread with bncks-and-mortar,
t will be said that the man who makes a grove of trees
grow where a block of houses stood before, deserves well
i his country.
210
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 18, 1872,
"NATURAL ADVANTAGES."
Teacher. " WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK ? " Smallest Boy in tlie Class (after a Paus/^. " A DOVE,
Teacher. " VEBY WELL BUT I SHOULD HAVB THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!"
Tall Pupil. " PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIB, 'CAUSB HIS FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR. "II!
Sin.'
ODD.
THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOE WAB has been listening to what
a deputation from Hampstead had to say to him on the subject of
the proposed Military Depot Centre at that high and healthy
suburb. After ME. CABDWELL had made his own little speech, he
said (as appears by the Daily News) that the deputation would
perhaps hear " GENERAL M'DOODLE." Accordingly the Deputation
did hear " GENERAL M'DooDLE." We only refer to this interview
from a desire to elicit some information as to who this General
Officer is. Judging by his rather peculiar and unusual name, we
should say that he must be a Yankee Scotchman, or perhaps a
Scotch Yankee ; but probably some great military authority, with
the Army List at his fingers' ends, will be able to clear up the
difficulty without the necessity of a reference to the Horse Guards.
DOMESTIC BLISS.
Poem by a Paterfamilias.
TITETTSH, measles, scarlatina, small-pox, schooling,
Struggles to get your children on m life,
Have been your lot ; when you 've gone through your fooling,
Your boy must wed : your girl become a wife.
Well for your daughter, if you cannot leave her
A living, and espoused she wealth enjoy ;
But for your son, delirious with Love's fever,
To rush into anxieties — poor boy !
Ladies in the Army.
FACT. The other day a Lady received a Commission from another
Lady. We know it included purchase, but the terms were not, we
believe, distinctly stated.
GOING BACK.
ALL of ns, who are not natives of the Principality, have been too
ready to treat as a jest the belief which every Welshman is supposed
to entertain, that he can trace back his pedigree in a direct line to
ADAM, or his immediate successors. We say this, because of the
advertisement of a publication which is entitled Annals and Anti-
quities a/ the Counties and County Families of Wales, and contains,
"in addition to a Record of all Ranks of the Gentry, Ancient Pedi-
erees, Old and Extinct Families, and Rolls of Sheriffs, Members of
Parliament, &c.,from the Beginning"
The wonder is, that all this information— we have ventured to
italicise the last three words of the quotation — can be got into two
volumes ; and, considering the costly researches which it must have
been necessary to make into post-diluvian and ante-diluvian rolls
and records, that the work can be supplied for the moderate sum of
three guineas.
The Two Graces.
" Grace was slid bcfor» dinner by ARCHBISHOP MANNING, and after dinner
by the ARCHBISHOP OF YOHK." — (Literary Fund Banqttet.)
HENCEFORTH the respective titles of these hierarchs evidently
must be : of the one, GBACE before meat ; and of the other, GBACE
after meat.
Caution to Commissioners.
THE Commissioner and Deputy-Commissioner who, in order to
stamp out the Kooka mutiny, judged it necessary to send a number
of the insurgent Kookas to summary execution, have been removed
by the Indian Government, one from their service, the other from
his Commissionership. In future, perhaps, Commissioners and
Deputy-Commissioners will mind how they stamp out mutinies.
Printed by Jo*pph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Pquare, in the Parish of Rt. JamcR.Clerijcnwell, in the County of Middleaex. at the Printing Offices of Messru. Bradbury, Eyans, A Co., Lorcbua
Btreet, in the Precinct of Whjtefnars, in the City of London, and Published bj him at No. t5, Fleet Street, in the Piri«h of 3t. Bride, City of I/mdon.— Sun M.IT, May 18, 1872.
MAT 25, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
211
THE MORNING
Swell (doesn't care fur Music hinaelf). '
TE-DIUM OVAR?" ! !
CONCERT.
Mi DEAR, is IHIS — AH— (yawns) —
THE JURY-LAW VICTIM.
(Dedicated to the ATTORKEr-GENEBAL.)
SCMMONED to serve on a Jury !
0, I shall go to the bad !
Driven, with distraction and fury,
Kuin in prospect, stark mad.
Dragged from the work that "s my living1,
< Hher men's business to mind,
I shall no thought have for giving
Save to my own, left behind.
Truly to try they may swear me,
Off mine employment when torn ;
Whilst my anxieties tear me,
What can I be but forsworn ?
Counsel will vainly harangue me,
Witness depose all in vain,
Judge's charge — though he could hang me —
Nought of my mind will obtain.
As for all criminal cases,
1 shall the prisoner acquit,
Like a deaf man's while my place is ;
Give him the doubt's benefit.
And in all civil, as hearing
Not either side what they say,
I shall toss up, that appearing
Nearest for me the right way.
If you 'd have juries attention
Pay your confounded affairs,
Press men by fortune, or pension.
Freed from life's personal cares.
Idle is all adjuration
When the adjured are not free.
So much for the administration
Of justice you '11 get out of me '.
STRIKE TO SOME PURPOSE.— So the Builders threaten
another strike, do they ? What a blessing it would be,
particularly to some inhabitants of the suburbs of
London, if they were to strike altogether !
HOW TO LEAVE MONEY.
ANY opulent gentleman with a taste for beneficence, and capable
of wishing to be gratefully remembered when, on any probable
supposition, whatever he may be conscious of, he will not know
whether he is remembered or not, is able to solace his last moments
with the hope of creating a large sum of human happiness by means
of a corresponding sum of money, or its equivalent in real property.
Whosoever, about to depart this world, and leave the greatest of its
blessings, wealth, in large quantity behind him, would like to leave
it in such wise as to constitute a real blessing to somebody, and
possibly cause that legatee now and then to bless the name of his
testator, should imitate an example recorded in the Bristol Times.
It is that of a " well-known and, during his lifetime, public-spirited
tradesman of Bristol," who lately dieq very rich. People thought
that the bulk of his property would, in reversion after his child-
less widow, go between his poor relations, who are very numerous,
and the remainder amongst local charities : —
"Great disappointment, however, was caused on the opening of the will ;
for, after leaving a very modest provision for his widow, he gives instructions
that an illegitimate son of bU (whom he does not appear to have recognised
in his lifetime) should be sought for, and, when found, sent to school, thence
to the University, a very liberal sum being set apart for that purpose. After
this, and when he cornea to manhood, he is to have all the accumulated for-
tune, which will then, it is estimated, amount to over £100,000. The heir to
this large sum having been sought for, has, we hear, just been found In a
neighbouring workhouse."
If he has attained to years of reason, it may be feared that the
transports of joy with which he must have been convulsed by the
intelligence of being, from a pauper, constituted heir to £100,000,
may have deposed reason from its throne. Sad indeed it is if excess
of gladness has but removed him from a workhouse to an asylum.
No such lamentable thing hath, however, appeared ; and the grati-
fication of imagining the ecstasies of bliss in which, very likely,
that fortunate youth is at this moment dancing, is still possible to
the heart of one that can feel for another.
Now suppose all that money which he has had left him divided
among a whole host of poor relations and a number of charities.
What a small and temporary amount of pleasure the receipt of its
several small portions would afford to any one person! _It could
only excite in the mind of the recipient a faint and transient emo-
tion of gratitude, and, instead of a blessing, would be as likely as
not to evoke a kuss because it wasn't more. At best, happiness in
such a case is all frittered away. Concentrate then, kind capitalists,
in making your wills, all your posthumous bounty, if you desire
truly to Hess and be blest. A flco for diffusive benevolence !
Unless you were once poor, you cannot perhaps imagine the beati-
tude you could confer by bequeathing some anxious earner of a
small uncertainty the unspeakable comfort and enjoyment of a sure
and certain independence. You may, if you choose, have it ex-
plained to you, and beat PEABODT.
[The Loafer who wrote the foregoing remarks enclosed his card
with them.— ED.]
PRAISEWORTHY.
A MANCHESTER paper tells us this :—
"PRESCOT PBTTY SESSIONS. — Yesterday, JOSEPH ASHTON, charged with
violently assaulting his wife and threatening to cut her throat, was fined £1
and costs.— SAMUEL HUNT, for stealing a coat, the property of WILLIAM
M'DoNNELL, was sent to prison for four months."
Mr. Punch rejoices to find that the Prescot Magistrates so clearly
understand the law, and so admirably carry it out. Perhaps they
were a little hard upon MR. ASIITOX, who might have been let off
with a slighter fine, having the costs to pay ; but nothing could have
been more proper than the sentence on the desperate and atrocious
miscreant HCNT, except the giving him a year instead of four
months. But the great principle of British Law is maintained.
Fiat justitia, ruat foemina !
Seasonable Literature.
WE see a new book advertised called Poppies in the Corn. This
may very likely be an entertaining work. But the title seems in
May a trifle premature. One more sensational perhaps, and better
suited to the season, would, we apprehend, be Snails in the Aspara-
gus, or Slugs amid the Salad.
VOL. LXII.
212
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAY 25, 1872.
.PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
GU CUT
MntTjm-
U[J< ALABAf
ONDAY, May 13. — The illustrious assem-
bly which is usually known as Parlia-
ment (but which the BISHOP OF WIN-
CHESTER, the other day, -wittily called
the "Two-Headed Nightingale") met
on this date, chiefly to hear what Minis-
ters had to say about America. For,
direct as were the claims of the Whit-
suntide holidays npon us, we desired to know the fate of the Indirect
Claims.
Both Houses were crowded, and the KING .or THE BELGIANS took
his seat over the clock, to listen to MR. GLADSTONE. LORD GBAN-
VILLE, of course, made the statement to the Lords. This record
will have small interest for anybody, save for the exquisite charm
of Mr. Punch's language, for the Ministers could only talk of a sort
of Perhaps, and when these lines are read, MRS. BROWNING'S won-
drous phrase, addressed by the lady with the sweetest eyes to
CAMOENS, will apply. The question, like her Life, will have
" Lost iU Peradventure."
Argal, it shall suffice to note, that MR. GLADSTONE'S statement
was listened to in most respectful silence. He traced the progress
of the negociations, and stated that before MR. FISH'S last despatch
had been delivered, the American Minister here suggested a mode
of settlement that might be satisfactory to both Governments.
It is not supposed, of course, that English Statesmen understand
the constitutional arrangements of America, a newly established and
obscure state, and MR. GLADSTONE remarked that it was not until
the 8th of May that his Ministry learned that GENERAL SCHENCK'S
suggestion could not be carried out without the assent of the Ameri-
can Senate. However, as soon as they were enlightened on this,
they drew up a new Article in the way of contract between the two
countries, and this was telegraphed to America. Observe the Car-
toon, and notice how justly indignant Neptune is at the incessant
flashing of messages.
We are asked to believe that GENERAL GRANT and his Cabinet
approved this plan. May be they did, may be they didn't, for the
fact is by no means clear. But MR. GLADSTONE said that they had
submitted it to a Secret Session of the Senate, and the latter was
considering it while he spoke.
He bore a tribute to the friendly feeling manifested by the Ameri-
can Government, and he warmly thanked Parliament for its for-
bearance. He declared that there had been, and that there should
be, no departure from our original attitude.
MR. DISRAELI was cheered, on giving his advice that the House
should continue its forbearance, and should give a constitutional
support to Government.
LORD GRANVILLE had the same things to say as his Chief. LORD
RUSSELL was wrathful, feeling that the characters of LORD PALMEK-
STON and himself were assailed by the Claims. He used rather
strong language, called the Claims "mendacious," and said that as
the question was between the honour of the Crown of England and
the re-election of PRESIDENT GRANT, he preferred the honour of
HER MAJESTY and the reputation of the country to any considera-
tion connected with the triumph of the President.
LORD DERBY wisely suggested that there should be no more dis-
cussion, but he earnestly hoped that we should hear no more about
" understandings." " We- have," said the Earl,
" A right to ask that the new engagement, whio.h is intended to supersede
and control the former, shall be concluded in clear, precise, and unequlvoc.il
language ; because, unless that is done, we shall agiin be exposed to all the
trouble and misunderstanding which have hitherto caused so much anxiety."
Their Lordships speedily departed, to return on Friday, May 31,
when the result of the Derby and of the Oaks would be an interesting
topic for conversation.
The Commons made a night of it. They went, in Committee, to
the end of the Ballot Bill. More affectionate care was shown for
the Illiterate Voter, who will be obliged formally to declare his
ignorance, and the plan by which his vote is to be saved will do
away with Secresy. There was actually a discussion whether the
voting-paper should be marked with a cross, or any other mark. It
was stated that in other ballots the cross is seldom used by the voter,
who prefers a tick, or a straight line. It has also come out that at
certain Clubs where ballot-papers are used, many educated gentle-
men are so awfully stupid about marking that their votes are lost.
However, as the most dreadful penalties are imposed on a voter who
goes wrong — as far as we can make out he is to be .hanged for his
first offence, and imprisoned for his second — we shall get the British
Constitution into beautiful working order about the time the Comet
makes constitutions rather needless.
The ATTORNEY-GENERAL pushed on his Juries Bill, that it might
go to a Committee. He objects to many of the existing exemptions,
extends the age for serving to seventy, and for the first time pro-
poses that all Clergymen, of all denominations, should have to
serve. Mr. Punch thinks this last proposal absurd. If a Parson does
his duty, he has no time to be a juryman, and if he doesn't, he is
unfit to be one. Besides, there is appropriate W'>rk for clergy and
for laity. He would rather that the REVEREND MR. RUBRIC were by
the bedside of the wife, laid up by her husband's brutality, than in
the jury-box, helping to "give it hot" to the wife-beater. But
SIR JOHN COLERIDGE thought that serving on a jury would be a
good sort of education for Clergymen.
Another proposed alteration is, that in criminal cases (short of
murder) there shall be seven common jurors only, and in civil cases
there shall be seven jurors, five common, and two special.
Members talked the usual platitudes about important changes,
and so on, and the Bill was read a Second Time.
The Commons departed, to return on Monday, the 27th of May.
Mr. Punch is so affected by the hideous weather, that he inclines
to pick a quarrel with his dear old friend CHAUCER for saying —
" MAY wol have no slogardie anight."
Not being in the habit of going to bed until what is called night
is over, Mr. Punch has nothing to say ' about that, but when
CHAUCER goes on to remark that —
" The seson priketh every gentU herte,
And ur.ikrih him out of his sleep to sterte,"
it occurs to Mr. Punch to remark, that as there is no rationality in
getting up to gaze on leaden skies and pouring rain, the " Seson"
had better mind her own business, and leave the calling a " gentil
herte," in the morning, to, the care of a sensible housemaid, who
knows better than to make her employer "sterte" until a decent
hour. COWPER knew May's character better, and protested against
the Poets' praising her, —
" Adorning May, that peevish maid,
With June's undoubted right.
" The Nymph shall, for your folly's sake,
Still prove herself a Shrew,
Shall make your scribbling fingers ache,
And pinch your noses blue."
A Bristol Diamond.
"AN ASPIRING MAYOR. — The spire of Redcliif Church, Bristol, has been
completed. The Mayor, MR. PROCTOR BAKER, who was accompanied by
the Mayoress in his perilous ascent, laid the cap-vane in the midst of a storm
of thunder, lightning, and hail, which broke over the city during the
ceremony."
SINCE PHARAOH'S chief Baker went up in the air,
No chief Baker has mounted so high as our Mayor.
And his Mayoress stood by him, so PUNCH is a swearer
That of all the spectators not one could be Phairer.
A DISTINGUISHED GUEST.
MRS. MALAPROP is determined to obtain a lady's ticket for next
year's Literary Fun Dinner, as she thinks it must be a most amusing
entertainment.
MAY 25, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
213
ACADEMY RHYMES.
(From tin' Margin of Mr. Punch's Catalogue.')
BE Lint: passim.
BAD picture* hot!
Bod pictures cold !
Bad pictures such a
lot!
So well sold !
(108, 189, Sfe., SIR F.
GBANT, P.R.A.;
and IliO, 259, Hfc.,
JAKES Suit, R.A.)
Dear SIB FKANCTS,
•would yon mind
Dropping » gentle
hint to SAHT ?
(Aside.)
Then, perhaps, as
he 's not blind,
He may return the
hint to GBAST.
(365. Gold of the Sea.
-J. C. HOOK, R.A.)
What the feelings
must be
Of these poor fish
one knows ;
For one still smells the sea,
With a Hook in one's nose t
(•223. Hearts are Trumps. Portrait* of Elizabeth, Diana and Mary,
daugMert of Walter Armstrong, -E»i.— J. E. MlLLAJS, R.A.)
Lra, Di, and MAST, cool and airy,
How does your garden grow ?
Azaleas in clumps, and hearts for tramps,
And three pretty maids in a row.
(281. Winter Evening Amusement.— C. W. COPE, R.A.)
My frescos are finished. My Lords have decreed
That with history longer I shan't cope.
The Lords' Corridor shows with grave work I succeed,
Though with namby-pamby I can't — Cope.
(539. Daniel.— BBITTON RmtBE.)
All those lions aglare,
And cool DANIEL unbitten!
Flow on thus, my RIVIERE,
Like a man and a BRITTON !
(227. A Harbour of Refuge.— ~S. WALKER, A.)
About " Harbours of Refuge," no year
But some M.P. 's a voluble talker ;
But my " harbour of refuse " is here,
And its C.E. is A.R. A. WALKER !
(658. Cain. Diploma Picture.— F. W. WATTS, R.A.)
When CAIW exclaimed, " My punishment
Is more than I can bear,"
Saw he this canvass of porte'nt
Hung o'er him in the air '{
(505. Perseui and Andromeda.—^. J. PoYNTER, A.)
Gum-lancing steel in worm of sea
It thus Duke Perseus shot,
A POYJTIER he might boast to be,
A Stabber he was not !
(120. Nymph and Cupid. Diploma Picture.— W. E. FflOST, R.A.
Vacant Nymph, and Cupid silly !
To waste words on you were lost work :
So ice-creamy both, and chilly,
You are but too plainly Frost-work.
(331. "Little liuttrrcups." 400. " The Course of True Love never
diil run f>ni'iiith."—G. A. STOREY.)
^Yitli his friends Punch is sincere,
So tells one friend, on the sly,
His two Storeys of this year
Aren't worth one of years gone by.
(7:>. Lavinia.—G. D. LESLIE, R.A.)
It wa» JBHMY THOMSON sung
How " La* itiia once had friends;"
While the looks thus sweet and young,
She may keep them till time ends.
(In the Half-huttr allowed fur lirfreihmtnt.)
Chicoory, liquory stock.
The luncheon-room stair 's in a block !
Whon one's fairly done brown
Any drink will go down,
Chiocory, liquory stock !
(l.V;. Portrait of P. 1L Caldron, R.A.—G. t'. WATTS, R.A.)
Dow QUIXOTE'S head could hardly
Bu a browner or a balder 'un :
MH. WATTS you're nut CKKVAN >
If the man you're painting's CALDKROX.
(64. Expulsion of the Gilttnos from Spain. — E. LONG.)
" Art longa, Vita breris " —
But to Art we do no wrong,
If, while LONG such work can give us,
Vita lunga we wiah LONG.
(U'5. Harrett Moon.—G. MASOX, A.)
Sweet, but scamped in every part :
Such half-work must students guide ill :
The free-masonry of Art
Asks more labour, e'en in Idyll.
(!>12. Whitesand Say.— 3. BRUT.)
To such truth who can be blind,
Though so near the skylight set ?
In these rooms 'twere hard to find
Many peers for this De Brett.
(390. Jolly as a Sand-Boy.— J. C. HOOK, R.A.)
Pull, young mongrel and young monkeys !
And away with melancholy !
Till e'en these gazing donkeys
Feel, as these sand-hoys, jolly !
(253. Mrs. Coleridge Kennard.—R. F. WELLS, R.A.)
With beauty, sense, and youth,
Here 's a face commands the spells
That, drawn from wells of truth,
Can defy the truth of WELLS !
(409. The Lion and the Lamb.—Sia. EDWIK LAHDSEEB, E.A.)
World-wide wings his fame shall fly on ;
With Art's growth grows his renown :
He has lived life as a Lion,
As a Lamb may he lie down !
CIVILITY AND ADVICE.
SOMEBODY finds this in the Guardian ; —
CAN a brother Clergyman recommend, for a Country Rectory, a trust-
worthy homely Couple— Wife at COOK, bake, and dairy ; Man GROOM,
gardener, and milk ? Addrew, stating wages, &c.
Mr. Punch is ever courteous. He resembles the gentleman in
Broad Grins, who was found one night pulling violently at an
apothecary's door-bell (having no business with that medical person)
and who handsomely excused himself : —
" "Hs time for bed, and I was hastening to it,
But when you write up Pleatt to Ring Ike KM,
Common politeness makes me itop and do it."
He is not a brother Clergyman, save in the sense that he is a
" Learned Clerk," but he answers the advertisement by stating that
he cannot recommend anybody of the sort required. But he can
recommend the reverend advertiser to procure a Lindley Murray,
and to study the same, and then he will not call a respectable
woman a Bake, or her husband a Milk.
A Consideration.
THE insolvency of so many of our so-called Assurance Companies
is a melancholy fact, and makes insurers shake in their shoes lest
the office to which they have confided their premiums prove de-
faulters likewise. Could not some company be started to insure
against such catastrophes and so realise the poet's phrase of making
assurance doubly sure ''. "
214
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 25, 1872.
AN EARLY QUIBBLE,
George. " TITSRS, AUNT MABY! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I DBEW THE HOBSB, AND ETHEL DREW THE JOCKEY!"
Aunt Wary. " H'M I BUT WHAT WOULD MAMMA SAY TO YOUR DBAWINO JOCKEYS ON A SUNDAY ?"
George. " AH ! BUT LOOK HEBE ! WE 'VE DRAWN HIM RIDINQ TO CHURCH, YOU KNOW ! "
A MONSIGNOR ON MIMES.
WHY do not such Parsons as BENNETT of Frome,
And PUKCHAS & Co.j all go over to Rome ?
If mere Roman doctrine those Clergymen hold,
What silly^sheep they to keep out of Rome's fold !
A miss there 's as had as a mile, they must know,
Poor creatures, and where, then, expect they to go ?
The wolf will be down on them, sure as a gun,
And they '11 be lost muttons, they will, every one.
Outsiders the reason why still they remain
MONSIGNOB CAPEL makes abundantly plain :
If Romanesque Parsons became Roman true.
At Rome as the Romans do they 'd have to do.
Now, playing at Papists, those Anglicans high
0 'er laymen can priest it, and Bishops defy.
They 'd find for such one-sided humbug no scope,
To Bishops subordinate under the POPE.
At Papists they therefore continue to play,
And, whilst their superiors they scorn to obey,
Himself every one as a Pope they impose
On the fools whom they bully and lead by the nose.
Thus mere self-opinion their souls doth enthral,
And make those mimes Protestants yet, after all.
As far from the Church which they imitate, full,
As ABCHBISHOP TAIT, SPUHGEON, Punch, and JOHN BULL.
REALLY CONSEQUENTIAL CLAIMS.— The Beadle's.
TERRIBLE TEMPTATION.
IN a certain Bill now under the consideration of a Select Com-
mittee, there is a clause which makes us wonder how it could ever
have entered into the head of the honourable and learned gentle-
man by whom the measure including it was prepared. That Bill is
the Juries' Bill; its author is the ATTOKNE Y- GENERAL : and the
clause, which it appears almost incredible that anyone endowed
with the moral sensibility of SIB JOHN COLEKIDGE could have con-
jurors are liable, and considering, further, that in other cases they
are often subjected to the disgusting punishment of being locked up
together all night, it is really astonishing that it never struck the
ATTOBNEY-GENEBAL that exemption from the possibility of being
saddled with the office of juror, obtained by getting convicted of a
felony, would operate on many people in danger of being compelled
to serve on juries, as a very powerful incentive to commit a little
one.
Noverca.
MASTEB BANDEBSNATCH is learning Latin. The other day he
declared that a Step-mother must be an idle woman. His reason
being demanded, he said that she was no-vurker. He was worked
off to bed, promptly.
THE POPE'3 OWN AND THE PBETENDEBS.
WELL done, very well done, MONSIGNOB CAPEL !
He pitched into the Ritualists ; gave it them well.
HABEAS COBPUS (No. 2). — The Anatomy Act.
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MAY 25, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
217
BOTANICAL CRACKJAW.
SAYS the Times notice of
the Howers at the Crystal
Palace:—
"The specimens of sarra-
cenia dnistan^mliflT'*1, of the
imantophyllini snriiatusa, of
the rjanophyllum magmh-
cum, of the larraeenia drum-
moi, JiHuvii, and of th« spbas-
rogyne latifolia call for du-
tinct notice."
And they shall not call
in vain, and the distinct
notice Punch gives them
is that they are sesquipe-
dalian kusses. We shall
have the really lovely
flowers, the Fairies of the
Old Creation, crying out
for new titles next. Who
remembers, or rather who
forgets BARRYCORJJ WALL'S
Weavers' song, 'Tia Better
to Sing than Grieve t —
" Come, show us the rose with
its hundred dyet,
The lily without » blot,
The violet, deep as your
true-love's oyes,
And the little forget-me-
not."
Are we to have this re- written in the following fashion?—
" The Rosa tbtchenhaultiana, come, show us ;
The Lilnm upaliialHi, white.
'With the }'iolti ranunculi/alia endow us.
And the wee Myoiolii paiuttru highu"
EVENINGS FROM HOME.
Last Evening of MASTSRS ToxiiY MBRTON and HARRY SANDPORD
vrith MR. BARLOW at Tonombe Abbey Boarding- House, and their
Departure for their Tutor's Residence.
MR. BARLOW, on retiring for the night, restored to HABBY a small
portion of the money with which he had been intrusted during the
\nce, remarking that " he had retained a certain sum in order to
fray his educational expenses, and had presented Miss SMTJDG-
NS' Uncle with an amount sufficient to satisfy the demands of the
<O >• nest landlord."
HAKHY, who was of a most generous disposition, thanked his
3 'tor for his kindness, and expressed his hope of being able to teach
fri oth him and his young friend TOMMY the game in which he was
)w a proficient.
Mr. Barlow. I am indeed obliged to you, my dear HARRY, and
your offer reminds me of the story of The Grandmother and the
-Eggs, which — —
ilarry. I do indeed remember it, Sir ; and as it is now just twelve
o'clock, I would recommend you, Sir, to seek that repose which is
the reward of innocence, temperance, and virtue.
Thus saying, HABRY, taking the only remaining bedchamber
candle, which MR. BABLOW had lighted for his own use, quickly
ascended the staircase, and was soon lost to view in the darkness of
the passage.
MR. BART.OW now spent one hour most agreeably in attempting to
discover the position of his own bedchamber, a proceeding in which
the boots and clothes of the sleeping inmates played no inconsider-
able part.
Early the next morning all the inhabitants of Toreombe were
assembled to witness the departure of the now renowned trio.
On this occasion no one exhibited greater signs of grief than the
I!KV. 7i xnniHis POTTS. The venerable old man seized the hand
of MASTER HARRY, and bedewing it with tears, gave way to the
strong emotions of gratitude which overwhelmed his mind.
" Generous youth," said he, " I know not by what extraordinary
fortune you have been able to overcome me at the game of (carte,
in which my skill has hitherto been acknowledged to be unrivalled.
But beyond this, you have nobly effected our deliverance when we
imagined ourselves out of the reach of human succour. If the uni-
form gratitude and affection of myself and my niece "
Harry. Xay, Sir, you infinitely overrate the merits of the service
which chance has enabled me to perform.
Here taking him aside, HARRY explained to him the nature of the
stratagem by which alone he had been enabled to come off victo-
riously when fate had pitted him, a second time, against so worthy an
antagonist. Miss SMUDGKINS' Uncle now perceived that MASTER
1 1 \ \: li Y was a boy of far greater penetration and perseverance than
he had at first imagined. With these mutual professions of esteem
they thought it prudent to terminate their conversation.
The last cheer was yet ringing in their ears as the shriek of the
engine announced to the multitude that the holidays were over, and
that MASTERS SANDFOKD and MERTOH were returning to their
tutor's house in order to perfect thenuelvee in those studies which
refine the manners of mankind and raiae the intelligent scholar
above the uncultivated barbarian.
"1 protest, Sir," said TOMMT, "that pur compulsory absence
from tne Metropolis has prevented oar witnessing and giving our
opinions, so useful to the public, on the various plays which have
been recently produced."
"My dear TOMMY and HABRY," returned MK. BARLOW, "our
opinion, and, indeed, the opinion of all honest critics is, though of
much value to the public, of small import to those who manage our
rd+m of public entertainment, and who, I perceive, are now print-
ing, as advertisements, nut the favourable notice* of their shows,
which they have been probably unable to obtain, but their own
praises of their own wares. The critic's occupation is, for the time,
gone, and therefore, until MASTER MBRTOS'S father shall present
us with stalls for either Opera House, you will quietly and perse-
veringly devote your time to the lessons which it is at once my duty
and my pleasure to teach you. Your holidays have indeed been an
instructive time to both of you."
Harry. Indeed, Sir, your remarks remind me of what you were
telling me the other day of Xrii(i)ilunt and the Sarcaetic Bloater,
which, u MASTER TOMMY has not heard it, I will now proceed to
relate. Yon must know then
But at this instant the train stopped at the Bath Station. Here,
it being their journey's end, they were compelled to alight, and in
another ten minutes they were safely within the gates of Jericho
House, Coventry Road, the residence of their beloved tutor.
"No\e" said ME. BARLOW to himself, when, after carefully
locking his two pupils into their separate rooms, he entered his
study and commenced an examination of a bundle of small apple
twigs which were tied on to light and supple canes.
"Ah.'.'" said MR. BARLOW, as he swished one of these to and
fro, and then tried its strength by flogging the dust out of one of
the chair-cushions.
"Now! ! " repeated the beloved tutor of MASTERS HARKY SABD-
FOBD and TOMMY MEBTON as he quitted the study and ascended the
staircase.
******
The following morning both his youthful pupils regarded MB.
BARLOW with the greatest possible respect, and each other with
every appearance of tenderness.
" HARRY \ " whispered MASTER TOMMY, in whose face an unusual
dejection was visible.
" TOMMY! " returned HABBY, sadly, as soon as they were alone,
" our present circumstances remind me of the story of The Mermaid
and the Pachydermatout Armchair, which, if you have not already
heard it, I will at once proceed to narrate. You must know then
But here the presence of MB. BARLOW was announced in such a
manner as rendered further conversation impossible ; and, as their
tasks were now placed before them, it was evident, that, with the
close of the vacation had recommenced the schooltime of the Incom-
parable and Inseparable MASTERS SA-XDPORD and MERTON.
FOREIGNERS' FIRESHIPS.
OF course the Admiralty will take no notice till too late, of an
advance in naval warfare which will either save us the expense of
making artillery, or cost us our navy. It is thus briefly described
by the Pott :—
" The system proposed in Prussia, and already adopted to some extent in
America, is to furnish vessels with an apparatus capable of discharging
several hundred gallons of petroleum to the distance of at least one hundred
feet, and the system is at once practicable, perfectly safe, easy of application,
very cheap, and of deadly efficacy."
Were NELSON now living, his advice to the Captain of a British
man-of-war in action would perhaps be, " Lay your ship alongside
of the enemy's and pump petroleum on fire into her." At present it
would be impossible for this advice to be followed by any but an
Officer in a foreign navy.
Constitutional Agitation.
OF all agitations now in progress, the one least astonishing and
most characteristic is the agitation for Women's Suffrage. But the
fullest concession of political rights to women will fail to allay the
agitation which most of them are subject to. Unprotected females,
especially, will continue to be agitated by the slightest causes, inso-
much as to exist in an almost constant state of agitation. In many
instances their agitation will be, as now, Protectionist.
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[MAT 25. 1872.
KEEN.
(Comimncement of the Croquet Season. North-East Wind, and Hailstorm every half-hour.)
THE MAJOE WONDEBS WHEN Miss MY.RTLE WILL GIVE IT UP !
THE COMET IS COMING !
it would be the last words written by the Last Man,
only there will be no last man to write them. The Comet is coming.
We possess all the particulars, and we are only too happy to
publish them in order to terrify everybody. Perhaps, however,
people will not be so much terrified as might be expected. Such
weather as we have been enjoying must have prepared folks for
anything, to say nothing of the warnings afforded by Antioch,
Vesuvius, and the blight of .new potatoes. However, this is what
is going to happen : —
" Within a few weeks we shall be able, without the help of telescopes, to
see the little cloud, no bigger than a man's hand, and fraught with omens
more dreadful than have ever before affrighted the human race. It will grow,
slowly at first, but afterwards with a rate of increase almost perceptible to
our naked vision, till at last the whole sky will be lit up with the fiery
portent. Night by night we shall watch its terrible growth, and before long
it will be brilliant enough to outshine the sun itself. The temperature will
rise to be first tropical, and then hotter than anything that is endured in the
hottest room of a Turkish bath. But the time during which we shall be con-
scious of excessive heat will be brief indeed. The two large bodies, plunging
toward each other at a pace compared with which the speed of a cannon-ball
is absolute rest, will crash into each other with a hideous collision. We shall
not have time even for an ejaculation. The petty race of insects that crawls
amongst the little excrescences on the earth's skin will be instantaneously
dismissed from existence."
This was written some little time back, but we thought that there
was no use in protracting people's discomfort, so we kept it back.
But it comes from the best authority, and it is published with the
approbation ef the Astronomer Royal, the Lord Chancellor, the
Clerk of the Weather, the Chairman of the Metropolitan Board of
Works, and CAPTAIN SHAW, of the Fire Brigade. We believe, in
fact, that the nose of the Comet has already been seen above the
horizon, but it is rather a long nose, and takes some time to demon-
strate itself fully. But there it is, and the rest is coming up behind.
Therefore, if any subscriber to Punch has not paid up his subscrip-
tions, or has not completed his set of volumes, the sooner he com-
municates with the Publisher the better.
WAVING OUR KERCHIEF.
WE will not deceive you longer. This is the real American diffi-
culty, and the last telegram, from the Musical World office, has
settled it, as follows : —
" MADAMB ARABELLA GODDARD has accepted an engagement to play at
several concerts, in the great ' Boston Veace Jubilee,' under the direction of
MK. GILMOKE, and will leave London on Saturday, the 8th of June."
" That goes against the MACRAES," observed the swimming High-
lander, MACNAB, when his enemy, a MACINTOSH, cut off his own
hand in the water, and pitched it on shore— the bargain having
been that the land was to belong to the first who " laid hand " 011
it. For the MACRAES, read the English. A grim story, yet appro-
priate in the case of one whose hand has achieved a thousand
triumphs. We are to lose her, unless war breaks out before the
eighth, and lella keep ARABELLA at home. This we dare not hope
for, and so we wish her ban voyage, a series of triumphs, and a
happy return. "AEABELLA" has ever been Mr. Punch's ward,
since he wrote of
" The young and gifted Miss GODDARD
Whom with admiration all the critical squad heard ; "
and he caps those exquisite verses with two as lovely : —
" None holds high-class music in more real honour than
The hospitable, Indirect-claiming, but otherwise unexceptionable
JONATHAN."
Strike off Beat.
A THREATENED strike of Policemen was announced the other day
in a paragraph of the Times, thus commencing : —
" ET Tu, BRUTE ?— The Plymouth Policemen met on Friday, and agreed
to apply for a considerable advance of pay, and a diminution of the hours of
labour.
Rather, one would say, " Et tu, BOBBEE '?"
MAT 25, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
219
HOW SHOULD I MY TRUE LOVE KNOW FROM
ANY OTHER WOMAN?"
" ER— WHAT COLOUR DID YOU SAT TOUR CABRIAGE-'WHZBLS WM« ! "
" GREKN, PICKED OUT WITH RED I "
" ER— THANKS ! I SHALL LOOK our FOR 'IM IN THB PARK ! "
PLUP! AND TOO!
(Bacchanalian Song: Dedicated to the United Kingdom
Alliance.)
PLUT ! goes the cork, when 'tis drawn, of Hock.
Goes, as it flies the Champagne cork, toe !
Quaffing unless ye bo still Champagne,
Or else of the sparkling Hock tumblers drain ;
Th*n the caae it reversed M you liquor up
With a too, toe, toe ! and a plup, plup, plup !
When ye have eaten your fill of meat ;
Save olives and fruit no more can eat,
Plup ! on your ears doth only fall ;
Toe ! you no longer hear at alL
Plup ! then go all the oarks that there may bs ;
Plup ! Port, Claret plup, and plup ! Burgundy.
When ye are on in the evening far,
Then, M ye smoke the mild cigar,
Table and walls again all round
Much as before do with toe ! resound.
Brandy and seltzer, beloved flock,
Go about with explosions of toe ! toe ! toe !
Such is the ease with us. noble Swells,
Aye in our banquet-hall*, clubs, hotels.
Men in their aprons and paper caps
Working, arc served out of silent taps.
Let their lips be deprived of that humble cup
Which attended is neither by toe ! nor plup!
The Killjoys.
8m Wnwsir LAWSON
Said unto DAWSON
BCUSB, " Suppose we liquor up ? "
Bcplied tint other
TBJMiiit. " Brother,
We're just the lads to crush a cup.'
WHEN a person disappears with a balance, as MR.
SIMKINS the accountant has done, it is obvious that he
is dissatisfied with the scale of remuneration. This
observation ought to have its weight with employers.
When the scales fall from their eyes on thi* point, their
balances will remain in their hands.
THE BISHOP OF MANCHESTER AND "PUNCH."
FROM a Report, in the Manchester Courier, of the speeches at a
Meeting in aid of an Asylum for Female Penitents, we extract the
following words, which are attributed to the LOBD BISHOP OF
M \xc 'HESTER. After some remarks upon the style of the female
dress of the present day, his Lordship is made to say :—
" Look at the literature which vat lomctimes allowed to find its way to
thrir drawing-room table*, the licence taken by even respectable prints, the
cartoons which sometimes appeared in fimek, where the idea wae at least
verging on the impure, if not actually impure."
These lines have been brought to our notice too late to enable us
to aso< rtain, in time for the purposes of our present publication,
whd her the BISHOP OF MANCHESTER has been accurately reported.
His Lordship's character forbids us to believe that he pan have
uttered what we can describe only by a word we never hastily apply.
If one fact is more notorious than another, it is the fact that from
the issue of the first number of Punch to that of the number now in
the reader's hand, there has never appeared in his pages a picture or
a word that has approached, we will not say impurity — the epithet
is a coarse one — but even indiscretion. We should not have conde-
scended to say for ourselves what every parent in England will say
tor us but that the language above quoted is stated to have been
used by a Clergyman whom we have hitherto regarded with the sin-
cerest respect. Had we written —
"Look at the Sermons which are sometimes delivered by the
" Bishops of the Church of England, the licence taken by the highest
" ecclesiastics ; the discourses, for instance, of the BISHOP or M vx-
" CIIKS-TKU, where sometimes the ideaisat least verging on Atheism,
" if not actually Atheistic "
we should not have written more wickedly than the BISHOP OF
MANCHESTER is said to have spoken. But until the report can be
verified, or (as we hope and believe will be the case) until the
language in question shall have been repudiated, we abstain from
further remark upon the subject.
KING COLE AND THE CARTOONS.
Krso COLE means to have the Cartoons copied, and invites com-
petitors for the job at two pounds a week. They are to win the toss
by a head from the famous design of St. Peter Mealing the Cripple.
Poor dear RAFFAELLE !
Talk of the risks his Cartoons ran from fire and damp at Hampton
Court ! What were either to the special risks of South Kensington
from the same causes ?
First, for tire. Fancy a battery of two-pounders, in close order,
firing away at the Beautiful Gate ! If they blow it open, it will be
the first time copyists ever did ; and forty shillings a-week seems
poor pay for such Fine- Art artillery.
Then, as for damp. What were the worst damps WREN'S room
could breed, to the damping effect of the superheated steam of tin-
Boilers and these South Kensington copying-machines!
No. RAFFAELLE'S charcoal might draw the Cartoons, but not even
Punch's Cher COLE will ever get them copied ! Still, by all means,
let the King try. His arena is the Impossible.
Yet a thought strikes us. He might get over the .-esthetic diffi-
culties, but the official ones ! Hasn t he just floored the Treasury,
and wouldn't the Treasury like to be even with him ? It only allows
copyists thirty shillings a-week, and here's that owdacious KING
COLE going to give them forty !
Fancy the fiendish delight of MR. LINGER as he puts all his
vitriolic acid into a wigging from my Lords, and an order to dock
the ten shillings ! " My Lords cannot admit that the nature of the
document to be copied can be allowed, on sound and economical
principles of administration, to affect the remuneration of the
copyist ! "
220
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAEIVAK1.
[MAT 25, 1872.
THE "RED BOOK" AT FAULT i
Mrs. Polshorf (Establishment for Young Ladies, Bellevue House, St. Leonards), solicitous as well for the physical as the mental development of
her Pupils, engages a respectable (middle-aged) Non-Commissioned Officer to exercise them in Calisthenics under her own eye.
Ancient Militia Sergeant. " ELBOWS TURNED IN, AND CLOSE TO THE SIDES ! — PALMS o' THE HANDS FULL TO THE FRONT ! — THUMB
CLOSE TO THE FORE-FlNGEK ! — LITTLE FlNGBR IN LlNB WITH THE SEAM OP THE TROWS AHEM ! As 7OU WERE ! ! "
A SPANISH PIRATE.
MR. PUNCH invites LOBD GRAN YULE'S attention to this. He will
be good enough to make proper representations to the Government
of KINO AMADEUS. A more flagrant act of piracy has never been
committed. The Spanish Pretender, CARLOS VII., has issued a
proclamation containing the following passage : —
" Let us all unite, crying Down with the Foreigner ! and on the Roar of
the Spanish Lion the tools of the Revolution and the satellites of Italv will
fly terrified."
The sentiments herein expressed may be noble enough, but they
are what may be colloquially called a " dead prig " from Mr. Punch.
One of the most valued of his staff, W. M. THACKERAY, put them
into beautiful poetry. He stated that at a public dinner he heard
the minstrels sing as follows, after the usual milingtary toast :—
" 0 the sword and shield And the Battle-Field Are the joys that best I love
boys When the grenadiers with their pikes and spears Tnrough the ranks of
the foemen shove boys And the bold hooray strikes wild dismay In the files
of the dead and dyin' And the bayonet clanks in the Frenchmen's flanks
A* they fly from the British Lion."
DON CARLOS VII. may pretend to the throne of Spain, if he likes,
but ne must not pretend to be the inventor of a soul-stirring appeal
j ,at rA6 T3 Promulgated. The Roar of the Spanish Lion,
indeed ! The brave Carhsts are more likely to be invited to run
home by the bmell of the Spanish Onion. Run they did, anyhow
Rational Ancient Roman.
1 NOTHING," said SEMPBONIUS to CATO, " would make me consent
to die for my country but the fear of worse punishment if I de-
clined. Don't be pusillanimous," was CATO'S reply. " Abuse "
rejoined SEHPBONIUS, " is no argument."
ALIEN AND ALIAS.
THIS is— well, worth notice. CASTBO (with MESSRS. BAIGENT and
GUILDFORD ONSLOW) is " stumping" the country, previously to his
trial. He is, by the kind permission of Her Majesty's Judges, to
make appearances in several of the principal towns. There he wOl
spout, and, unless he has a more decent " entertainment " written
for him, will, as at Alresford, abuse the Judge who committed him
for perjury, and declare the Chief Justice "biassed" and unfit for
his place. Subscriptions from all sorts of credulous fools are, of
course, expected to pour in. But lo and behold ! The solicitor for
DIBLANC (the woman who destroyed a lady in Park Lane) writes to
pray that some of the liberality invoked for CASTBO mav be directed
towards DIBLANC, seeing that she is an '"Alien" in need and
is not guilty
* trying to
is the most impudent may be left an open question.
" Angels and Ministers."
IF ladies are to have a finger in the political pie, as is threatened
by the Woman's Rights Movement, and exchange solicitude for even-
ing parties with anxiety for parties political, many of us will
find ourselves constrained to alter SCOTT'S beautiful lines to suit
the circumstances, as thus : —
" When pain and anguish wrack the brow,
A ministerial angel, thou ! "
"SIZE— A WEAK GLUE."— Webster.
A GERMAN philosopher discovered that the Soul was a Glue.
His doctrine has not been absolutely accepted here ; but we saw, the
other day, a novel called A Life 's a Size.
-~f^£»^^^
JUNE 1, 1872.]
TUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARf.
221
A VISION OF THE DERBY.
VOL. I.XI1.
222
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 1, 1872.
PUNCH'S DERBY PROPHECY.
Ifcjy
-* ' ' - af&l^ - '/ , • •
ifi
u 1
- A\J2 • •"* v", -'
iM) - V
HAT the Derby will be run this year, as usual, I suppose, nathless
I don't prophesy that, my beloved friends. For though I have
been assiduously moving in the circles in which horseynesa is
(he one faith, I never found so little interest taken in the subject. I am
quite grieved at this. For myself, I am full of equestrian fire (a bold image
that), and I shall spring to my box-seat on the Wednesday morning with all
the animation and joy which inspired me when I went off to see Pyrrhus the
First win, and to commemorate his victory in a couplet which my dear friend
MRS. KKEI.KY spoke the same nijht at the Lyceum. That lady too was at
Epsom, but, faithful as ever to her duty, said upon the boards a few hours later,
" You 've backed the favourite, have you ? Then you '11 rue it :
fyrrhus the First has won ! / seed him do it."
With as light a heart as then (as light as M. OLLIVIER'S cesur, and with
better reason), with as graceful a figure, with as gay a cravat, and with as
fine a weed, shall I, your beloved Punch, mount my drag for the Derby. But
I cannot disguise from myself that people seem to be going perfunctorily,
and if you don't know what that means, you ought to, and I shan't tell. The
sprightly writers will not allow that the Derby is a bore, except to young
men, and to me ; but the superstition is on the wane, and it's no good being
waxy about it. Moons wax and wane, you understand, eh, you mad wag ?
In my insatiable ardour for sporting news, I have visited all the horses in
their private apartments, and interviewed them. I took iny friend GRUMPY
with me, because he is a judge of horses, having one day ridden on the Ele-
phant at the Zoological Gardens. The first noble animal we called on was
Westland. If he had been named WESTLA.ND MARSTON it would have been
a better omen, as anything he gives name to is sure to run well. As it is, I
think the noble animal will be like the Royalists at Marston Moor. Then we
saw Bertram. Did you ever read HENRY KIRKE WHITE'S ghastly ballad
Gondolitu, and how a witch went to Bertram in battle and told him his love
had wedded another, and how he flung himself into the slaughter, and how
she tore his head off, and how she held it up for the maiden to see in the cave ?
If not, read it. Our Bertram's head will not, I think, come off, but it will
not be near the winner's. The Sunbeam colt is welcome, for his name, but
his chances are moonshine. The Druid has his merits, but if he says, in his
stall, that he is going to win (horses have sometimes spoken, and asses often),
quote COLLINS, and say, " In yonder cave a Druid lies." Window we visited,
and GRUMPY said that no Derby horse could win slow. Wasn't it a stupid
remark ? I said that I could not lay Winslow-s Soothing Syrup to the souls
of his backers. Wasn't it a clever epigram ? GRUMPY was rather sweet (for
him) on Statesman, but a real statesman always sees three courses before
him, and no horse can run on three unless he is Cerberus, who is not a horse
but a dog. I don't like the name, Statesman and Blunderer being just now
nearly equivalents— not elephants, said GRUMPY. Laburnum the Germans
call " golden rain," and this fine horse will deserve a golden rein, and golden
oats too (like CALIOULA'S) if he wins, but I think Labirnam wood will first
come to Dunsinane. GRUMPY muttered something about inane dunce. He
is a rude kuss.' 'As regards Wenlock, the nobleman of that name takes his name
from Much Wenlock, but you will not see much Wenlock among the foremost.
As regards Almoner I do not speak so decidedly, because he certainly complies
with the definition of a horse, being a large quadruped, with a leg at each
corner of him, but' those who have legs all right, may yet misplace alms. He
ought to do something, and I believe will. Drummond is not a horse to be
sneezed at ; in fact, I do not know that any horses are made for that purpose.
MR. HENRY DRUMMOND, a remarkable man, used to koep a horse always
•addled and bridled in his stable, to be ready for the end of the world, and
if this is that animal, back him, for MR. DRUMMOND had the best of every-
thing, and usually, in debate, the best of everybody. We visited Queen's
Messenger, and GRUMPY made a stupid quotation about a " poster of the sea
and land," a propos of seeing a poster of Land and Water. As for Q. M., I
consider that he ought to win, because I have drawn him in a Sweep. Angel
means Messenger, and if he wins I will call him an angel — I can't say fairer.
He is a clinking good horse, a fact which would comfort me more if I knew
what clinking meant. However, let the cannakin clink, and let the cannakin
clink, a king's but a man, and a pot's not a pan, and so we '11 have something
to drink. We have now to speak of Cremorne, or as ten thousand cads will
call him, on the day, Cree-mome. All snobs are in a hurry with their
accents. The noble lady who owns the name is descended from MR. WHALEY,
and if the horse goes, as the beautiful Scotch song says, Whaley, whaley up
the bank, and whaley whaley down the brae, why his backers may blubber.
On the other hand, if he is only half as fast as Cremorne-haunters fancy
they are, the Blue Eiband is his. Do I express myself clearly ? If you
think not, read what I have said over again until you are tired,
then stop. Finally, we come to the Favourite, bonny Prince Charlie.
The prince of that name was a pretender. This horse is very big. We have
lately seen a big pretender come to grief. But Prince Charlie has real good
blood in him, and Epsom may not be his Culloden, or his Court of Common
Pleas. His motto, however, mustn't be "On-Slow." This was GRUMPY' 3
joke, and you may easily perceive into what a condition he had got. Come,
that's all I have to say, for if people don't take an interest in things, I shall
not eliminate sesquipedalianisms in an autoschediastical fashion to amuse
then). But, you respectfully ask— what is my final advice ? What do I mean
to Stand Upon ? Well, I mean to stand upon the top of my drag. Sold
again, and bought an ounce of Epsom salts with some of the money. Never
bet on horses. I respect the American gentleman who never backed but one.
and then he backed him into a shop-window. There, don't stand in uffish
thought, but study my vorpal hints again, and if you don't rest too long
by the Turn-Turn tree, you'll chortle in your joy. Notice what I have not
said. Bead " between the lines."
WE WILL TORPEDO THEM.
" As yet," says a contemporary, in an article urging the import-
ance of the torpedo as a weapon of offence and defence in naval
warfare, "the science of torpedoing has never been thoroughly in-
vestigated in this country." Here we have another new word, and,
what is more, another new thing, oome, as usual, from America. To
employ torpedoes effectually against ships was an American achieve-
ment, and to call their employment "torpedoing" is American
speech. Turning, as their manner is, a substantive into a verb, the
Americans have made one more addition to their mother tongue for
us. Henceforth torpedo is to be conjugated in English grammars —
" I torpedo, thou torpedoest, he she or it torpedoes," and so on
through all moods and tenses, the most important of which, in
regard to making all due provision to act it out in case of need, is
the Indicative Mood, Future Tense, First Person Plural — " We shall
torpedo," in the event of having our coasts invaded. Mind that.
A Groan on a Bore.
0 THE Alabama bore !
When are we to have it o'er,
Never hear about it more,
How long, 0 how long before ?
How much tedious prose in store
Have the journals still to pour
On that threadbare theme, galore ?
Hang the Alabama bore !
Double Cockney Conundrum for the Derby Day.
" What eminent Composer would in England have probably been
'intheRing'r1"
" 'Aydn."
"Why?"
"Because who ever 'eard of 'Aydn alone F Ain't it always a
'Aydn and abettm' t Eh ? Now then ! Come up, can't yer ! "
JONH 1, 1872 ]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
223
WOMAN'S RIGHTS.
MRS. DUFFCOTT WRITES TO MR. PUXCH FOR HIS JUDGMENT ON A MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION. MR. D. IS NOT NOW IN PAHLIA-
MENT, OR SBX WOULD NOT Tuol'IlI.K MR. P. THE POINT IS, WHETHER HER COOK OR LADY'S- M AID TAKES PRECEDENCE AMONG THB
SERVANTS IN IIF.K ESTABLISHMENT. THE UNSEEMLY SCOWLING, NOT TO SAT SCUFFLING, THAT TAKES PLACE WHEN THBJT COME IK TO
PRATERS, is QUITE SHOCKING !
VATICINATIONS OF THE VATICAN.
(Pius prophesies.)
FROM Germany again . . . this little cloud
No bigger than a man's hand ... a man's head . . .
Yon dreaming DOLLINGEK'S . . . spreads to a shroud,
For souls with plague of heresy struck dead,
Who wear it for a marriage-garment, proud
As men who new life, not old death, have wed.
Yes, the plague spreads and spreads— and I sit still,
And cannot light the fires that Popes of old
Lighted, such pestilential schism to kill,
And with their wholesome warming to uphold
Blind Reverence and fair Faith against the chill
Of Free Thought, and Lay Season's deadly cold !
No LEO I, — no Lion-Lord of Rome,
This lesser LUTHER tooth and nail to rend !
Within the shadow of St. Peter's Dome
St. Peter's shrunken realm must 'gin and end :
Urbi et orbi," of the Church's home
Was measure once : " m urbe " now 'tis penned !
No LEO I — what if a LUTHER he,
Munich Basilica's Byzantine Gate
Another door of Wittenberg to be,
Defying Papal fires and Papal hate ?
What if my own encyclicon I see,
Of LEO'S indulgentia share the fate ?
Has the thing bred the thought, the thought the thing ?
But as 1 gaze, methinks, out of this cloud,
From Munich, blown by blast of Satan's wing,
I see the Erfurt monk's broad forehead bowed —
Above that brow a star, that light doth bring,
From hell, not heaven— Hence, Lucifer avowed !
" For light— more light ! "—the heretic may prav :
But 'twas in clouds and darkness Sinai's Lord
Spake when he bade his chosen race obey ;
In cloud he walked to point their conquering sword ;
Th« Holy place of Holies hid away
In veils his presence, while Priests spoke his Word.
Give Faith its darkness— leave the light for Schism-
Light that shows many paths, but cannot show
Which leads from, which leads to, the black abysm,
Whose depths all heretics are doomed to know :
Fools of that reason, whose dissolving prism
Breaks up white Truth to Error's iris-bow.
Beef from Botany Bay.
SIXPENCE preserved Australian meat per pound !
If good, in preference one would always buy it ;
But done to rags, as 'tis too often found,
What is it more than vegetable diet P
Strike Among Suds.
ACCORDING to a contemporary, a fashion for some time prevalent
amongst the industrious classes has been adopted by some of a class
remarkable for industry : —
" WASHERWOMEN ON STRIKE.— A gooi deal of amusement was caused at
Teignmouth, on Monday, by the town-crier announcing a strike of the washer-
women and laundresses, and declaring their resolution not to work for less
than 1«. 6rf. per day."
This strike will very likely succeed. The washerwomen of Teign-
mouth, no doubt, took good care to strike while the iron was hot.
224
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 1, 1872.
SIMPLE NOTES ON ENGLAND.
_Y • * • *, a distinguished and intelligent Frenchman.
THE other day, when the Domes-
tics of Dundee met to grumble
and in order to arrange " a
strike," they were unable to
obtain a Chairwoman to preside
over their assembly. This
shows clearly that the wife of
a Chairman is by her position
aristocratic.
.*.
The English soldiers cannot
play the drum as the French
can. Their military move-
ments are executed to the sound
of the trumpet, which they can
blow strongly. Thus the British
lungs do more than the British
arms to make a noise in the
world. They play fifes, and
they tell me that the chief
flfer is, ex officio, a Scotch
Nobleman. Our Tambour-
major is a man tall and
magnificent ; but here, the
Chief of the Whistlers is the Thane of Fife.
«*.
They reward whistling, because the English are a nation which
whistles. My friend WAGG tells me that, from this habit, has been
derived their proverb " Whistlers (siffleurs) never hear good of
themselves." He has not explained to me the precise application.
.*•
Where a Frenchman exclaims Man Dieu ! the Englishman says
The Deuce ! In effect, it would be unfair to decide what might be
the religious faith of either from such expressions. But, however.
it seems to me that that of the former is less sombre than that oi
the latter.
***.
The official, the most important in England, after the ftxjEEir, is
The Chairman. He presides at all public dinners, at all public
meetings. WAGG tells me that he has no regular pension, but thai
he receives a fee, for every dinner, sufficient to pay for his breakf asl
and luncheon the following day. His wife, who is generally neither
of the upper nor of the middle class, is called a Chairwoman. She
is employed by many noble families, and often resides in their
houses, particularly during their absence in the country, or at the
sea-side. In former days they were a class, and lived separated from
the metropolis at a little village, called in consequence Chairing
Here now stand the Railway Station and the Chairing Cross. Their
special Home is destroyed," but the Office remains, grander than
ever.
.»»
The Barristers hold military rank. Some are Sergeants. The
Chief of the Solicitors is called the Solicitor General, and has a
horse. I know this because I have seen him riding. The Chief o
the Attorneys is called the Attorney General. The difference
between a Solicitor and an Attorney, my friend WAGG says, ii
the same as between a crocodile and an alligator.
»*«
Many of the Cabmen (voituriers) are very poor curates (vicaires)
who thus gain money to support their wives and families. Such i
one of the evils of a married clergy. In the provinces, where then
is not this resource, celibacy, though rare, is almost a necessity. 1
young clergyman is, generally, the object of & flirtation, more or les
serious ; and, outside the Sunday, his duties are not heavy, unles
he is able to play Croquet. In this case, for two-thirds of the yea
the young minister has very little time to himself.
»*»
In some towns, in the country, there is only one policeman,
have known this in Cornwall, which nearly resembles our Brittany
Often only one constable to three thousand persons, who subscrib
among themselves, by a rale, to support him. It is evident, tha
as he owes his existence to these three thousand persons, he canno
arrest any one of them at the command of any other of them. Thu
he finds himself in a delicate position. His policy, naturalb
becomes one of abstaining. His patrons, who appreciate his difi
culty, refrain from offending against the Law. Thus, in effect, th
peace is preserved in the quiet small towns of Merry Englam
[This is a fact. My friend WAGG took me to the town of • * * *
and indicated to me the policeman. I chatted with him, and gav
him a glass of Gin.']
The British Lion i» not an animal living at this hour. The bones
: a hysena were found in a cave in Devonshire. Hysenas laugh,
hey lived when this island evidently was Merry England.
*
* *
The legal processes in England are very simple, when well under-
,ood. So carnivorous are the English people, that, to become a
arrister (arocat), one must eat so many dinners at the inns-of-court.
his is wholly true. The public is admitted to a gallery to see them
t their feeding-time. What barbarism !
»*»
The LORD CHANCELLOR, who is the highest legal official, sits
[ways on a wool-pack (ballot de laine}. This, my friend WAGO tells
me, is a sort of satire, which means that a Lawyer is supported by
lose who have lost their fleece. [But one must have stayed as long
s I iu England to comprehend this play on the words, fleece, fleas,
nd wool.]
»*»
England boasts herself to he a Free Country. But my friend
WAGO tells me that, in effect, no person can have an opinion unless
e pay, at least, six shillings and eightpence for it. We have our
aults, we French, but our thoughts, our opinions, are free as the
ir ! For them we pay no octroi, no tax, no eight francs.
* *
Cricket is a game of ball, played always in a field,
ime Cricket (gritlon], which insect is in the plain air du
whence the
uring all the
ummer, and in the kitchens in the winter. The hook the most
elebrated, on this subject, is, my friend WAGO tells me, The
Cricket on the Earth. I have not read it myself, because I believe
t is simply technical.
»*»
The best system, in order to acquire a knowledge of the game of
Cricket, is to practise it as an athlete of Old Greece. When the
jail, thick, hard, and heavy, is launched at you, with enormous
orce, from the bat of the player, you must run with all your legs ;
'ou must save yourself, if it is possible, or it will upset you, some-
,iraes striking you upon the nose, sometimes between, or in, the eyes,
ometimes falling OB the top of the cranium, when you the least in
,he world expect it. A nose or an eye may thus easily be damaged.
The arms, the legs, and the body are protected strongly, but for
me, I shall never again play at Cricket. Never.
•••
Look at the spirit of the two nations shown in their grammars.
We French think twice before we marry, an Englishman does not
think at all. Thus with us To marry is a reflective verb; with
,hem. it is a verb active. There is the difference. j; * * • *
PEACE WITHOUT PANIC.
COME hither force invading could
How, but in transport ships of wood ?
In one of which one shell, well tossed,
Would make all hands a holocaust.
Keep but your coast defences right,
You '11 ne'er have foes ashore to tight.
But, since we can't be too secure,
Make we assurance doubly sure,
With Army more than fit to meet
The biggest that could dodge our fleet,
Or our torpedos faile 1 to throw
Aloft ; our rams hurled not below.
CHURCH AND TURF.
THE Dean of Westminster was one of tha horses prophesied to
win the Newmarket Two- Year-Old Plate. Dr. Temple ran third
for the Great Northern Handicap at York. Evidence such as this
of the popularity of the Church in a quarter not hitherto considered
to be one of its strongholds, would, we are sure, cheer the heart and
strengthen the resolution of Convocation, if it were now sitting ; and
it is hardly possible to imagine the gratification of eminent Deans
and Bishops at seeing their names and titles conferred on promising
colts and three-year-olds. But the Turf should be impartial, and
not limit its favours to one Church or one party. DB. PUSEY may
reasonably feel aggrieved at being overlooked, DB. CUMMING and
MR. SPURGEON have both strong claims to public recognition, and
The Monsignor is a name which would sound well in the betting
quotations.
We throw out these few hints for the benefit of those owners and
breeders who are looking out for suitable names for their horses,
just adding that we do not advise Ritualist— it is open to suspicion.
JUNE 1, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
225
SHKHAHD HANSON is anticipating an awfully jolly lunch with the
ROPSLEI girls (especially CLABA).
Employers are anticipating the unavoidable absence of some of
their employes on the morning of the 29th.
Mas. CHANCET WINNINGTON is anticipating the number of pairs
of gloves her turf speculations will produce.
MR. MOBTIMER SLOPE is anticipating a premature and protracted
sojourn in a foreign country, if Cantankerous does not win.
Bookmakers are anticipating what the next edition of their little
publications may contain.
A few utterly unreasonable people are anticipating the time when
the House of Commons will not think it necessary to adjourn the
business of the Nation for the Derby Day.
Some sceptical persons, whose faith in the weather is not yet
settled, are anticipating a snow-storm.
Very many people are anticipating what they will win.
Very few people are anticipating what they will lose.
THE BISHOP OF MANCHESTER AND "PUNCH."
HAVING entertained no kind of doubt that the BISHOP ov MAN-
CIH>TKU had been mis-reported in the newspaper which attributed
:o Ids Lordship the remarks we quoted last week, we should simply
acknowledge the promptness with which the Bishop was good
enough to correct the reporter, but for the pleasure with which we
received a oommuBioation from his Lordship. From this, although
we have permission to publish it in extensu, it will suffice to extract
a portion. The Bishop writes : —
" What I meant to say, and what I believe I aid say, was thU. ' The light
iterature on our drawing-room tables, the engravings in our illustrated
>apers, even the cartoon* of Punch, indicate that the tone of fashionable
society, if not actually impure, is perilously close to the border-land of
mpurity.' Nobody who knows the way iu which your artists ' hold the
mirror up to Nature,' and illustrate the foibles of the age, would charge them
with ministering to impurity; indeed, I have often admired the skill or the
ight feeling with which they have touched on delicate ground ; but I was
hinking of the general tone of that fast, fashionable life which those pictures
llustrate, and whose follies they often so admirably expose. I deeply regret
hat I should have been mis-reported."
It is due to the BISHOP or MANCHESTER to add that the letter
rom which the above passage is taken, was written before he saw
DERBY ' ANTICIPATIONS."
AITY ME88B8.
AND JASON are anticipating I
a great many morn ing
callers (in carriages) at 181,
Piccadilly.
MHS. I)u POBTTMKNT'S
young ladies are anticipat-
ing the delights of witness-
ing the progress of the com-
pany to the Course, from
behind the earden-wall of
Mangnall House. — (X. B.
Their evening studies will,
unavoidably, prevent them
from being spectators of
the journey home.)
Young UETANKKRI IKI.D
is anticipating the ex-
quisite joys of a first
Derby.
Job-masters, livery-
stable keepers, licensed
victuallers, waiters, ostlers,
jockeys, postilions, wan-
dering inu-H'iiiiis, the
" Mauritanian Minstrels,"
the " Altitudinous Acro-
bat*," railway companies
Hansom cabmen, and pro-
prietors of Grand Stands, are anticipating their gains and profits.
Foreign visitors are anticipating the national and traditiona
glories of the Derby Day.
Policemen are anticipating rather a hard day's work.
Police Magistrates arc anticipating rather a hard next day's work.
Sporting prophets are anticipating the best way of justifying their
unaccountable mistake in selecting the wrong horses as the first
three.
MARIAN CHARMSYDB is anticipating the bliss of going in the
same barouche with WALTER CIIKSKI.DKN.
which his Lordship had seen elsewhere. All who know DR. FBASKII,
either personally or by reputation, would be certain that his course.
In any matter, would be the course of a Christian gentleman, ana
we can hardly regret an accident that has afforded him the opportu-
nity of showing how an act of justice can be done gracefully.
1TKMS
Catalogued for the initriirtinn and amusrmrnt nf those who from
temporary inipecuniiisity <ir fur <i/ti/ other reaion are u>«
UHwitliny tn gn in anil we tin pictures, onil are therefore rr*tin<j
MMMMJMJ "i ""• Mte-cAsMtcW <>f the Royal Academy's Ethi-
bitioH, tohcre the sticks are kept.
No. 102. View of Gingham. A Genuine Gamp.
No. 216. Cane. A Studi/.
No. 315. Two Sticks. Pn'smt,-il by a grateful audience tn the two
Walking Qtntlemen of the Blank Theatre, as a ti-ntimunial to their
iiirulitiili'e ttrvicet in Comedy,
No. 171. A Bar. A first of September subject.
No. 155. The Union. A basket, a rug, an umbrella, and a stick
bound together by one tie.
No. 175. A P-jacket. " Oh Pi/nt, 'tis a fearful night .'"
No. 203. The Three Sisters. Three parasols, belonging, perhaps,
to MR. Mm. us" thri'f unciril young Indies, who, though they're
visited by nun/body, won't leave their cards.
No. 2U. A Habit of Long Standing An UMer Coat, evukntly
the property of a gentleman about sij feet three.
No. 3567, Somebody's Good Umbrella, jV>un« unknown.
201. On» Waterproof. Much needed by MK. PHYHTRK'S Andro-
meda after she has been taken from " The Moniter," in order that
she may gn home with Perseus, the Conductor.
505. A Hamper, three large Brown Paper Parcels, a Bag, and an
Umbrella; also a Basket containing Fish for Dinner.
" The famished hush»nd makes a/rightful fuss, if
The Dinner '« unprovidod by bu housewife."
Tli» Man and iht Hour.
The Three Custodians (all retired R.A.'s) will be happy to furnish
further items for an Outsider's Catalogue when not otherwise
engaged. But it is a pleasant sight to notice with what artistic
finish they bind up the sticks, umbrellas, and other articles left iu
their charge. Moreover, their charge is nothing.
"RUBBISH MUST NOT BE SHOT HERE."
(A respectful Remonstrance to MONSIEUR THIEBS.)
SEWEB-SCOTJRINOS offend both the lungs and the nose ;
Where they fester lurks fever ; to breathe them is death ;
Human nature in city-slums stagnates or flows
With odours as sickening, as pestilent breath :
In flushing the sewage of London or Paris,
Disinfectants the scavenger 's hound to employ ;
No lime is too potent, too pungent no tar is,
To vanquish those gases, those poisons destroy :
How to treat its own scourings each city must learn,
If a man seek our ground his own laystalls to clear,
While ready to do him a neighbourly turn.
We must tell him, " We can't have your rubbish shot here."
This protest, ere shooting your Communist sweepings
On our shores, MONSIEUR TIIIERS, you will please, bear in mial :
Of recent French savings we don't want the reaping* :
The graiu you 've threshed out aught but wholesome we liud.
We 've our own City-slums' human sewage to deal with,
Too much of our own disinfection to do ;
And what sympathy e'er your late troubles we feel with,
We 'd rather you 'd not make the Thames your &jout.
Its own scum, I repeat, is each nation's concern ;
Happy they who to utilise see their way clear :
So. while ready to do you a neighbourly turn.
We must tell you, " We won't have your rubbish shot here."
A Fair of Race Spectacles.
1. TIIE spectacle of MR. JONES, at ten o'clock, A.M., emerging
'rom his front door in a new white hat and dust coat, and looking
quite a picture of neatness and respectability.
2. The spectacle of MK. JONKS, at ten o'clock, P.M., returning to
da front door in a battered hat, with dolls stuck round it, and
ur reference to the subject, and was called forth by some comment ', looking quite a picture of wou't-go-home-till-murning-ness.
226
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[JUNE 1, 187i-
CHAPTER ON
Colwl Debonair. "CHARMING SONG, WAS IT NOT ? FROM THE BAEBIBRS, YOU KNOW. >f
Miss Penelope Prygge (for Self and Sisters). "WE-SK-DO NOT CARE FOR ITALIAN MUSIC-ONLY GERMAN I
Colonel Debonair. "Bur STILL— WITH SUCH A. LOVELY VOICE AS COUNT TSCHOKOLATOFFSKY s-
itiss Penelope Prygge. "Wit-BR— DO NOT LISTBN TO VOCAL MUSIC-ONLY INSTRUMENTAL!
CELEBRITIES ON THE TURF.
BACKED the wrong: horse, Country Cousin, have you? Well, there,
never mind.
Better luck another Derhy, when Dame Fortune may be kind.
Why are you like yon ex-Monarch ? Why, hecause you ve lost a
Drink, and further drown reflection. Let us look about the Down.
All the world is gathered round us, come to see the horses run,
Here are all the men of mark and livelihood, and more of none.
Here you may behold your betters ; not much, that, for some to say,
Some no better than they should be, betters in. the betting way.
Ministers and Opposition there, without their party flags,
Most of them behold, at luncheon, seated on their several drags.
There 's our PREMIER, look, discoursing, in an earnest frame of mind.
To BOB LOWE, whose frugal meal is bread-and-cheese ; he scrapes
the rind.
There is Dizzr, there his noble friend, the namesake of the day,
And they quaff intoxicating liquors — as a Prig would say.
Lo! and there's SIR WILFRID LAWSON, who would close each
liquor-shop,
He and DAWSON BURNS, his henchman. Are they drinking ginger-
pop f
There you see the Lord Chief Justice of the Queen's Bench, in the
breeze
Round his hat floats azure muslin ; likewise of the Common Pleas
Him, and several other Judges learned in the Law you see,
All, Judge LUSH inclusive, sober aa a Judge is safe to be.
There 's his Grace of Canterbury, and his Grace of York as well.
There is grave ABCHBISHOP MANNING, 'long with MONSIGNOR CAPJX
There's the REVEREND DOCTOK NEWMAN, there's the REVEREND
NEWMAN HALL.
DOCTOR CAMMING, MB. PUECHAS, SFURGEON ; jolly preachers all :
Jolly; but, beloved hearer, what if Pedants' law forbade
Stronger drink than soda-water, ginger-beer, and lemonade f
Fancy a Teetotal Derby ! Picture Melancholy s reign
Over chicken, over lobster-salad severed from champagne 1
Fancy that, but for a moment. Do not dwell upon the theme.
Pis to contemplate too dismal, as it were a horrid dream.
Let it pass, and let us liquor, let us blow the cloud serene :
With a vision like a nightmare cloud we not this horsey sc ne.
CASTROMETATION.
LITTLE SIR HENRY ALFRED TICHBORNE, the " infant" Baronet,
has good friends in the respectable tenants on his family estates.
All (save two or three) who pay more than £10 a year, that is all
who are presumably educated, have presented LAM TICHBORNE
with an Address, repudiating the statement that CASTRO came to
Alresford on their invitation. They express sympathy with, the
roung Baronet and his mother. This is behaviour worthy of decent
Englishmen, and a good answer to MR. ONSLOW'S tellmg"-
he mean story-telling-demonstration. Why will this otherwise
sensible gentleman insist on bearing the title of Member for Castro
Only a Letter.
Due D' AUDIFFHET-PASQUTEH, in the curious Rouher debate, made
good use of the bitter cry to VABUS to "give back the Legions.
But as the French soldiers were sacrificed to the brutal greed ol
contractors and jobbers, the typical name should be AVARUS.
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JUNE 1, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
229
EXAMINATION FOR TURFITES.
(Derby Day, 1*72.)
WHKX ia it necessary to
apply the Spur of the Mo-
ment ?
•2. What are the chances
in favour of the Derby fa-
vourite winning "the River
Plate " ?
.'!. In a family of four-
teen, with the youngest
two years' old, what will
he the average bill fur
Nursery Steaks ?
4. Draw map, showing
in what part of Wales the
Wi-lchers live.
5. If a gentleman whom
you have never had the
pleasure of meeting before,
offers to bet you a hundred
to ten against anything, on
condition of your giving
him three sovereigns down
to hind the bargain, and
supposing the horse which
you have backed wins, what
are the odds against any
one, or two, or all, of the
three following events
taking place, namely : (1)
Your ever seeing him again
to speak to ; (2) Your ever
receiving the hundred and
three pounds he owes you j
(3) Your ever receiving the
three sovereigns which you
invested as aforesaid 'f
6. As an instance nf the
effect which English Racing
has even upon foreign ecclesiastical matters, give the name of the
where a Prior scratched a Cardinal. Explain which Prior and
what Cardinal.
7. Which is the Derby Day? (N.B. The answer that " It is, of
course, JOHN DAT of Danebury," will not be allowed by the Judges.)
Has the Moon anything to do with its fixture, or is it, like a Pic-
Nic, a " Movable Feast r"
8. What is the receipt for the Ascot Cup ? Is it cooling or ex-
citing ? Is it a good thing for a heat ?
9. Explain the well-known poetic allusion to " Neat-handed
Fillies." What part of a horse is a " hand " ? How many hands go
to a foot ?
10. Name the racing colours of JULIUS CAESAR.
11. As the Derby is run on Epsom Downs, Surrey, how do you
account for the Start Point being on the coast of Devonshire ?
With this gigantic staggerer the Examination for Male Turfites
concludes. The next paper is for the Ladies : —
1. What coloured gloves do you prefer ? Which is the best glove-
shop ? State your reasons.
2. Did you ever lose a bet ?
3. Did you ever pay ?
4. Are you very careful with whom you bet ?
5. Are you providently making arrangements for being taken to
Ascot and Goodwood this year. Remember you have such excellent
reasons for insisting upon being taken to Goodwood this year,
because
(a.) You 've never yet been, and it 's a thing one really ought
to see.
(b.) Because one can get there so easily, by just running down
to Brighton, Lewes, or Chichester, where you can stop for a
few days, and then merely getting a trap and driving over.
c.) Because the scenery is so lovely.
./I.) Because it is quite a ladies' race.
(e.) Because the SMITHSONS are all going, and they go every
year.
(/.) Because you will meet (but this is a private and par-
ticular reason).
(g.) Because, my dear JOHN, it really will not be expensive,
and you d spend much more if you went alone, without us, I
mean without the girls and myself. If you leave it to me,
1 II manage it.
(h.) Because, though it cost much more than we expected last
year, yet this time we can arrange a great deal better.
(i.) Because you have set your heart on going, and therefore it's
no use saying anything against it.
fl. What is your notion of a Ring-man? [N.B. To be answered
by any unmarried lady.]
No farther questions will be asked, and Mr. Punch wishes you
many happy returns of the (Derby) Day.
SLUMBER BEFORE SOCIETY.
UPON my pillow, of a night,
As I do lay my head,
When, having first put out the light,
I 've got me into bed,
I often think within my mind,
To slumber ere I fall,
0 now how many of my kind
Are dancing at a Ball !
And some as yet not there, perchance,
Will from the Opera go
And do no better thing than dance
On tip of restless toe,
In costly tailor's trim rigged out,
And milliner's array.
To oaper, waltz, and wheel about,
And turn night into day.
Young people like it, I am told,
And so it seems to be.
1 have been young, and now am old ;
'Twas ever grief to me.
For supper's self, past midnight's chimes,
To care I little used,
Did always like to sup betimes,
Then toddle off to roost.
0 how I do hepity men
Who, charged with daughters grown,
Are sitting up at parties when
Repose at home 's my own.
Rest they no less than I require,
But I obtain much more.
Sine;; when they go forth I retire ;
They yawn whilst I do snore.
0 let me sit and smoke my pipe
Each evening of my life !
Whilst they, compelled by daughter*, ripe
For marriage, and a wife.
Their bed-time far remote from view,
With heavy groans and sighs,
Are pulling their dress-waistcoats to,
Or fumbling at their ties. SNOOZLE
A FIRST-CLASS TWELVE.
Is looking about for recruits to the Jury List, SIB JOHN COLE-
RIDGE has overlooked a most eligible sort of persons, who, when he
is on his legs as an advocate, are under his nose. These are the
numerous Briefless Barristers who sit in attendance at every Court of
Assize, with nothing in the world to do but to note what is going on.
They might, without the least inconvenience to themselves, and very
much to the advantage and relief of others, be transferred from the
circumference of the green-baize table, under which they kick their
heels, to the jury-box, wherein their legal knowledge would espe-
cially qualify them to sift evidence, and to apprehend aright the
directions of the presiding Judge, whilst by their forensic training
they would, when harangued by counsel for either side, be enabled
duly and properly to understand, and appreciate, at its just value,
the conscientious eloquence of their learned friends.
Wonders Will Never Cease.
TEE mutilated statue of Leicester Square disappeared the other
day. On asking what had become of it, we received the astounding
intelligence that the equestrian figure so long immovable had " gone
at last, and had fetched sixteen pounds.'" It is probable that
having fetched this sum he will be spending it foolishly about town.
Remembering the awful Commendatore in Don Cfiova nni, it would
not surprise us to read of the appearance of this Unhappy Cripple in
one of the police courts, either for disorderly conduct on the Derby
Day, or for reckless riding in Rotten Row. We shall look out for
him along the road to Epsom.
230
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(JUNE 1, 1872.
WIDE AWAKE.
Guard. " TICKETS, PLEASE!" Rustic. "WHA— AT?"
Guard. " LET ME HAVE YOUR TICKET, AND LOOK SHARP I "
Rustic. " NOA, NOA, I 'BEEN AN' GIVE FOIVE BOB FOR MOT TJCKUT, AN' I
BEAUT A OAWN TO GIVE UK UP TO YOU.
DOANT '« BUT ONE YOURSEN ? " ! !
TIRED THOMAS.
Aw ! weally I am vewy bad,
I 've been about hall day ;
It is enough to dwive one mad —
These seasons long and gay.
These calves as been exposed too much,
These stockings now is soiled ;
These ands my dinnaw scarce can touch, -
Too long this day they 've toiled.
No wine at hall these eyes as seen,
I 've filled no easy chair ;
If BETSY to my room have been,
She found no THOMAS there.
I 'm weally fagged and dwcadf ul weak,
And wishes now to heat ;
To west upon my and this cheek,
And warm these weary feet.
Me lady she does never think
About my cwaving bweast,
When I am out— that I can't dwiiik,
And dine, and take my west.
Bein' out all day I would not mind,
If that I had no need ;
Or if aw mansion I could find,
Where I could dwink and feed.
To keep a party f worn is port,
And luncheon, his too bad ;
It weally do seem hawful sport,
As if I was a cad.
For hungaw is a fwightful baw,
That 1 too often feels ;
And now I ate our seasons maw]
The maw I miss my meals.
Up in Arms.
A DEPUTATION from Richmond has been waiting on the
SECBETAEY-AT-WAE, to object to that delightful suburb
being made a Military Station. One of the speakers is
reported to have said that " the fact that many boarding
schools for young ladies were in Richmond, was a strong
argument in favour of the views of the Deputation.
Perhaps, if the young ladies themselves could have had
, _ a few minutes' conversation with ME. CABDWELL, their
IP THEE WANTS TO TRAVEL, WHY \ views on the military question might not have been
found in exact accordance with those of the Deputation.
THE EMPIRE OF THE FASHIONS.
ALTHOUGH Republican in name, France has not yet lost her
Empire — at least her Empire in the fashions. Ladies everywhere
still bow to her Imperial sway. Her mandates still are issued in her
own Imperial tongue, and defy translation into common English
speech. For instance, see this extract from a fashionable paper : —
" Toilettes de promenade are made with demie-traines, and when -worn en
ntgligi are shortened in the front. A novelty in ehapeaux is the ehapeatt
jockey, made of black lace with a puffed tulle and faille crown."
" Toilettes de promenade" might be Anglicised, perhaps, into
more simple " walking dresses," though they might not sound so
finely thus to fashionable ears. So, too. " ehapeaux" may be readily
translated into " hats," though to call one's hat a chapeau must
doubtless vastly gratify a fashionable man. But who can put " en
ntglige " into proper English, especially when one has doubts if it be
even proper French ? And who can find equivalents for words like
"tulle" and" faille" in any other tongue? They convey, no
doubt, a meaning to fashionable minds, but to minds which are not
fashionable they are simply fragments of unfathomable slang.
"Puffed tulle and faille" sounds just as meaningless to ordinary
ears as " plummy and slam" did to the ears of little Oliver Twist.
In revenge, or en revanche, as we suppose we ought to say, and as a
set-off to our English poverty of language, we find a jockey's cap is
called a " chapeau jockey." So we may presume the French have
no equivalent for "jockey," although we Trnow the Derby has been
won t>y a French horse.
MAXIM FOB THE DERBY DAY.
THESE "s many a slip
'Twixt the race and the tip.
PROBABLE.
A DEPUTATION consisting of eminent journalists, paragraphists,
satirical-article-clerks, comic copyists, and burlesque and farce
writers, waited upon ME. BRUCE, to protest against the proposed
sale of Leicester Square at any price. The Deputation expressed its
deep concern at the untimely and undignified termination of the
Statue's existence. The destruction of this work of Art was, said
the speaker, a loss, not only to journalistic literature, but it also
deprived the public of one of its greatest luxuries, viz., a standing
grievance. To redress such grievances was, the Deputation wished
to point out, a precedent dangerous to the ultimate well-being of
the State.
ME. BRTJCE replied at some length, expressing his entire sympathy
with the object the Deputation had in view, and regretting that, as
the affair in question nad nothing whatever to do with trie Home
Secretary's business, the gentlemen interested in this matter should
have taken up their own valuable time in calling upon him. The
sale of the Square would, the Right Honourable Gentleman ventured
to predict, give rise to various grievances, which would afford
plentiful employment for everyone who had a pen to wield, or an
opinion to air.
The Deputation, apparently much consoled, thanked ME. BRUCE
for the courteous attention it had received at his hands, and
withdrew.
A Scot on Sweet Sounds.
A' MUSIC whatever is o' Scottish origin an' derivation. It a' cam
Sooth frae ayont the Tweed. A' music just resolves itsel' intil a
meexture o' Tweed-ledum an' Tweedle-Dee— the Scottish Dee.
The oreeginal St. Cecilia was a Miss MACWHIBTER. She invented
the Bagpipes.
JUNE 1, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
231
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O
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B
B
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232
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 1, 1872,
SUBJUGATED
SCOTLAND.
EGINNING one of the
songs of Scotland, a
rniustrel inquires oi
a maiden —
" 0 where and 0 where
does your Highland
laddie dwell ? "
The lassie, if we
rightly .remember,
answers : —
"He dwells in merry
Scotland nt the sign
of the Slue Hell."
"Merry Scotland,"
quotha 1 Where is
"merry" Scotland
now, when such
things are done in
the land of Scots as
the thing hereunder
related in. a piece
from the Morning
Post f —
"No MORE CAKES
AND ALE.— A curiou*
lime-honoured custom
has been put down
Sacrament Sundays. The police, about the end of the year, went round and
warned all the publicans that they would not be allowed to entertain the
country people as usual on the Sacrament Sundays after that time. One pub-
lican ventured to disregard the prohibition on Sunday, the 28th of April, and
on Monday was fined at the Hamilton Justice of Peace Court."
If Scotland is still the land of cakes, it is the land of cakes without
ale — on Sundays. It will soon, perhaps, be without ale on any day.
Vita la liberta! Freedom for ever in merry Scotland, merry as
free ! Never so merry since when it answered to the report in
Macbeth : —
" Alas ! poor country,
Almost afraid to know itself ! It cannot
Be called our country, but our grave ; where nothing,
But who knows nothing, is once seen to smile."
How can any one smile in a land of slaves ? What but a land of
slaves is a land subject to the tyranny of a FORBES MACKENZIE'S
Act ? An Act of Parliament may be just as tyrannical aa the edict
of a tyrant ; and an Act, empowering the police to prevent the
people of Scotland from being served with ale on a Sunday, is.
" Soots, wha hae wi' WALLACE bled," indeed ! What is the good of
having bled with WALLACE, or BB.TJCE either, if that is what they
have come to ? " EDWAED, chains, and slavery ! " never could have
been worse than that ; and the descendants of those who were ready
to " lay the proud usurper low," tamely submit to it. Instead of
" Freemen stand or freemen fa',"
they are now in case to sing
" Slavies, abjec' Blavies, a'."
If ever liberty was worth fighting for, the liberty still worth it is
personal liberty in such matters as eating or drinking ; the liberty
which the natural right of enjoying, untrammelled, distinguishes a
man from a baby. The majority which robs a minority of that
liberty, goes as far as any despot the most outrageous could, to
justify civil war. Take care what you are about, gentlemen of the
compulsory Teetotal and Sabbatarian Platform !
AIR-PASSAGES OF LONDON.
THE following extract from a Times' leading article on the holi-
day of Whit Monday, is noteworthy : —
which was evidently afforded by this very simple pleasure."
Note, therefore, that the preservation of the suburban lanes is a
matter of importance to other people besides the suburban popu-
lation. The importance of those lanes is just the same as that of the
Parks. Please bear this in mind, Honourable Gentlemen, as many
of you as may have any opportunity of contributing a vote to the
lefeat of any Bill you may be invited to enact in order that any one
>f those pleasant lanes yet existing may be abolished by the specu-
ative or any other builder.
A PLEA FOR A FEMALE PARLIAMENT.
EXCELLENT MR. PUNCH,
Skimming recently the cream of a provincial newspaper, I
came across this paragraph, which possibly may interest some of
four fair readers : —
In the seventeenth century a law was in force in England that 'all
women of whatever age, rank, profession, or degree, that shall from and
after this Act impose upon, seduce and be'ruy into matrimony any of His
Majesty's male subject?, by scents, painU, cetmetios, washes, artificial
,eeth, "false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays, hoops, high-heeled shoes, or
roistered hips, shall incur the penalty of the laws against witchcraft, sorcery,
and the like, and the marriage, upon conviction, shall stand null and void.' "
I know not if this singular old law has been repealed, though I
presume it must have been so, or what work for the police there
tfould be daily in our parks and other places of assemblage!
[Jeauties without paint there are doubtless still to see, and straight-
way fall in love with : but how many a tinted Venus shows her
roses at our flower-shows, and how many a high-souled lady adds
a high heel to her stature ! As for false hair, that is now so com-
monly displayed, that lovers rarely venture to ask for a true love
ock : and though iron stays have been improved into steel corsets,
he progress of two centuries has not yet abolished the practice of
tight-lacing.
As, then, fashions still exist, which, two hundred years ago, were
prohibited as witchcraft, it can hardly be alleged that the fashion-
ible world has materially advanced in the matter of its clothing.
Nor, apparently, has sumptuary lawmaking proved of much avail in
checking feminine extravagance. The case, however, might be
different, if women had the making of laws affecting women ; and
since many ladies now are wishful to have votes, and perchance, too,
seats in Parliament, here surely is a subject on which they might
produce some useful legislation. Or, as the admission of feminine
M.P.'s might possibly derange our present representatives, it might
perhaps be well to start a female House of Commons— or, shall I
rather say, Uncommons P — wherein such matters as the fashions
might be properly debated. When one reflects upon the time which
Ladies waste in dressing, and the monstrous heaps of money which
they annually spend upon their personal adornment, the fashions
hardly can be deemed an unimportant subject, and it is certainly
one suited for feminine debates. These being reported pretty fully
in the newspapers, would be read with lively interest by womankind
at large, and would tend gradually to free them from the thraldom
of the dressmakers, to whose influence we chiefly owe the fooleries of
fashion and the costliness of clothes.
I vote, then, for a House of Ladies to decide the shape of bonnets
and the way of wearing the back hair ; and 1 would humbly recom-
mend that the first rule of the SPEAKKRESS be that not more than
six Members be allowed to speak at once.
Yours, in expectation,
The Hermitage, Tuesday. SOLOMON SOLON SMITH.
THE LIBERTY OF THE LETTER-BOX.
AN Englishman's house is his castle, is it ? But how about his
letter-box ? A castle calls one back to the fine old feudal times.
Now, imagine BARON FRONT DE BtEUr pestered by prospectuses !
Conceive the " King Maker " at home, and bothered by cheap circu-
lars ! How would the temper of those Britons have borne the daily,
well nigh hourly, bombardment of their doors, to which we English-
men who live in our own castles are now subject ? Invest a shilling
in a bank, or any other public company, and straightway you are
pounced on as a sheep that 's fit for fleecing. Prospectuses of rail-
ways to the pole, and mines to the antipodes, and tunnels to America,
and telegraphs to the moon, are showered down upon you by
every passing postman, and your life is made a burden by the
banging of your door-knocker. Then cntne the tradesmen's circu-
lars, the puffs of Begum Pickles, and Wagga Wagga Waistcoats,
and Reversible Shirts and Envelopes. Then, too, come the notices
of pretended sellings off of swindling bankrupts' stock, whereat
what is chiefly sold is usually the purchaser. And then in shoals
innumerable come the charity appeals, and the parsons' begging-
letters, which you are kindly to return, if you cannot even spare so
trifling a donation as a shillingsworth of stamps. That this is a free
country one clearly cannot doubt, while people are permitted to
make free in this manner with other people's property ; for, after
all, a letter-box is surely the property of the person who puts it on
bis door, although any other persons seem to think themselves at
liberty to do anything they please with it.
JCNE 8, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
233
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'THE BEST OF ITS"
First Gentleman Farmer. "WHY, THERE GOBS THAT ARTFUL ROGUB, BILLY
GILES < Is HK AT HIS OLD THICKS STILL 1"
Second Ditto. "HE HAS CHEATED EVERYBODY DOWN ABOUT HEBE, SIR,
tXCIPT ME! HE TRIED IT ON THIS WlNTBR, BUT I WAS TOO CLBVEB FOB
HIM! SOLD us A Cow, AND— (triumphantly)— 1 MADK HIM TAKB IT BACK AT
llAU'-PRICSlI"
NATIONAL NURSERY LAW.
JOHNNY BULL to drink ought not
Wine, beer, spirits, ought he ?
Naughty, naughty pewter-pot !
Naughty bottle, naughty !
Liquors strong like punch, you know,
Are not good for JOHNNY ;
Make him reel about and go
Walking zigzag, funny.
Shut let nasty places be
Where such liquors bought are.
Let a JOHNNY drink his tea :
Give him milk-and-water.
Stint a JOHNNY, anyhow,
In his cups on one day.
Open public-house allow
Shorter time on Sunday.
Goody-goody try and make
JOHNNY by coercion ;
Ga to church instead of take,
Fie, paw-paw, excursion !
Better, doesn't JOHNNY think,
E'en from swipes to stop him,
Than, if JOHNNY too much drink,
Take him up and pop him ?
Pythagorean Patriots.
THBEB Frenchmen, sentenced to death for participa-
tion in the Communist rebellion, were shot the other
morning at Satory. "They died crying ' Vive la Com-
mune!'11 Fancy yourself caring to cry Vive anything
when yourself about to mourir. Those martyrs to Com-
munism must have had a very strong faith, indeed, not
only in that creed, but also in the doctrine of PYTIIAQOKAS
affirming the re-embodiment of souls.
Irish Secresy.
WON'T the Ballot my work do,
Landlord, when I 'm fightin' yon I
You '11 have Tenants vote and lie.
Secret voting I defy.
Whoo !— because I can employ
The Confessional, me bhoy !
BAGPIPES AT BALMORAL.
"SnE shall have music wherever she goes." Who? Why, the
QUEEN to be sure, stupid ! Shall not the National Anthem be sung
when and wheresoever Her Most Gracious MAJESTY is pleased to
present herself ? unless, indeed, when : —
" The QUEEN hath strictly charged the contrary."
There may, however, be cases, wherein our Sovereign Lady may
like her loving subjects' "noise" so much that she may desire no
more of it. Not every day are her Royal ears regaled with such
harmonies as those which greeted them on the last return of one
whereof many happy returns to her.
" On Friday, HER MAJESTY'S birthday, the Craithie Choir came to Balmoral
Castle in the morning, and sang the following selection of music."
Wherefrom it may suffice to cite the piece first on the list of per-
formances, entered as : —
" ' Wake, wake," May Morning (FLOTOW), a hundred pipers, specially
arranged."
Fancy the combination of sweet sounds which must have been
produced by a specially arranged band of a hundred pipers. The
mere imagination of it is almost too thrilling for any sensitive ears.
That is, as regards the instrumental part of the concert alone ; but,
in a newspaper, we are besides informed that : —
'•Three of the pieces, farewell to the forest, Ca' the Yowes, and Auld
Lang Synt, were sung by special request of H Kit MAJESTY."
to hear. Ca' the Yowes. Who, indeed, but a Scotchman of ears
familiar with all the bagpipe minstrelsy of his native land, does not
feel curious, knowing that to be one of its beauties, to hear what
Ca' the Yowes is like. It is, of course, a chorus. Englishmen.
even Cockneys, are aware that " Ca' " in broad Scotch is pronounced
as " caw." Imagine this musical word " caw " in all varieties of
1 concord, and key, and musical contrast and combination, sung at
the top of their voices by the whole Crathie choir. Also the equally
if not more musical word, " yowes." Conceive the choral effect of
i " caw " and " yowes " commingled. The " yowes " must have been
'especially eupnonious. Perhaps they reminded HER MAJESTY _of
the speech ot another Queen, Hippolyta of the Amazons to wit ;
wherein she describes to her Lord, Theseus, the sort of music she
once heard i—
" When in a wood of Crete they bay'd the bear
With hounds of Sparta."
Which tuneful animals so exerted their vocal powers that : —
" The skies, the fountains, every region near,
Seemed all one mutual cry : I never heard
So musical a discord, such sweet thunder."
But that was all "yowes." It was minus "caw." Our QCKF.X
had the advantage of hearing "caw" and " yowes " together ; of
which the effect must have exceeded that of a rookery in concert
with a kennel. What a fugue SIB STEBNDALB BENNETT, if he
were a Scotchman and composed for the bagpipes, might construct
1 out of Ca' the Yowes .' Another subject very suitable to be set by a
competent Scotch composer is Caw Me, Caw Thee. It would make
an excellent catch.
A CONTRADICTION.
The last of the songs above mentioned, being popular, can well !
be conceived pleasing also to the QUEEN ; there are associations
which no doubt have rendered the first of them likewise pleasing : IT was the observation of a foreign and puzzled spectator^tnat a
the intervening one curiosity may have made HER MAJESTY anxious Cricket Match has only just commenced when it is all over.
VOL. 1XII.
A A
234
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 8, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, May 28. —
Again did MR. GLAD-
STONE and MB. Dis-
BAELI face one an-
other, smiling at the
recollection of the
pleasant holidays they
had had, and looking
inclined to initiate the
post-Whitsun session
with a game of leap-
frog. At least such
is the idea of our
artistic young man.
and artists see a good
many things which
nobody else behold, as
the Academy testifies.
The spirit of fun,
however, certainly
presided, for the very
first piece of business
was the presentation,
by MR. GUILDFORD
ONSLOW, of a petition
that no advantage
might be afforded to
the Crown, when pro-
secuting his friend i
CASTBO, which that
person was not to re-
ceive. It was a divert-
ing demand, got up
in the Isle of Wight,
but we do not know
whether'the Carisbrook "Well Donkey was among the petitioners.
We imagine not, as he is rather a sagacious beast.
To-night, and at various times during the week, Ministers were
severely questioned on the subject of the Washington Treaty.
They, that is LORD GBANVILLE and Ma. GLADSTONE, made what
sort of no-answer they could, but it would not be profitable to re-
produce their replies. "Penultimate Muddle" would be a good
label for them.
Asked whether it were true that the Fenians still in gaol were to
be let out in honour of the DUKE OP EDINBUBGH'S visit to Dublin,
MR. GLADSTONE curtly responded— as a certain echo was reported to
have answered — " in the negative."
" Sentimentalists came forward, and soft mercy bade him show.
He repressed all maudlin feeling, and he sternly answered ' No." "
Then we discussed the Navy Estimates, wrangled much, but
voted handsomely.
Tuetday.— Ma. PBTBH TATLOE presented a petition signed by a
great many Ladies, who prayed that women and children might not
be protected by the use of the Cat, which was a cruel thing, tending
to produce ill-feeling. It is very kind of these Ladies, who are not
in the slightest danger of being beaten, kicked, stamped upon, or
otherwise maltreated, to try to prevent the use of the only effectual
remedy for ruffianism. Such a demonstration shows the eminent
fitness of the petitioners for a share in legislation.
MK. GLADSTONE moved that the House should adjourn over the
Derby Day.
MB. THOMAS HUOHBS opposed the Motion, denouncing the Turf
as a generator of all kinds of scpundrelism, and as something which
the House ought not to recognise. He stated that it led hundreds
of our youth to ruin, for the enrichment of the greatest scoundrels
unhung. If the House must patronise amusements, let them be of
an honest and noble kind, like rowing, cricket, and rifle-shooting.
ME. LOCKE, who has usually something to say, had nothing better,
on this occasion, than a hope that the House would not take a
" sanctimonious" course, a declaration that there were other roads
to ruin besides the Turf, and an allegation that MB. HUGHES used
to like the Derby.
MR. GLADSTONE said that Racing was a noble, manly, distinguished
(sic), and nationally historical sport, and that the House was not
bound to take notice of its abuses. Ha ! dear MR. GLADSTONE, you
are thinking of suoh racing as has been sung by your favourite
Greeks. You remember your namesake, Pelides, whom —
" We saw in all his arms arrayed,
The cumbrous equipage of war ;
His speed he o'er the sand displayed,
Contending with the harnessed car.
With rival speed we saw Pelidps fly,
In arms, the whirling chariot nigh."
[By the way, why has no painter since FCTSELI dared to depict this
splendid scene? Why is it not shown at Burlington House?
Why ? Because the public has no taste for grandeur, and prefers
to pay for pictures of " Baby breaking the pap-boat." " The first
toosey-poosey"— "Going to be vaccinated"— " Is urn sick, den?'
and the like.] MR. GLADSTONE moreover urged, that if the House
did anything, it ought to do a great deal more than merely
refuse to adjourn : it should adopt repressive action against Turf
scoundrelism.
Ms. BKEESFORD HOPE was the only Member who spoke really
good sense. Members believed that the House would rise on the
Derby Day, made arrangements accordingly, and ought not to be
inconvenienced.
The House voted, by 212 to 58 that it would go to the Derby.
Talk about the Autumn Manas uvres— the date is to be chosen with
due regard to everybody's comfort. About South Africa, where
MB. FOWLER wishes to see a Confederation of States. All right—
we'll do anything for South Africa except drink her wines. About
a road between Queen's Square, Westminster and St. James's Street.
But Members wanted to go and hear about the betting, and to dine
in peace, so MB. CAVENDISH BENTINCK was Counted Out.
Wednesday.— The Derby Day. A capital day, very fine, yet
cloudy enough to prevent our friend Helios from being unduly
attentive. Cremorne won by a short head. Many people won by
long heads.
Thursday.— -A curious Welsh Anti-Popish demonstration. The
late MARCHIONESS OF BUTE gave a site for a Church at Cardiff. The
Welsh folk do not attend it, chiefly it is slid because no pains is
taken to secure the services of effective parsons. Irish Catholics
have swarmed in the district. So LORD BUTE proposes to give the
Cardiff Protestants another church, elsewhere, if they will surrender
this one. The Bishop of the diocese thinks this a right arrange-
ment. But the fiery Welsh spirit boiled over. Radicals stood up
for the Church of England, and denounced this attempt at a dis-
establishment, and the Bill was thrown out by 172 to 153.
Final fight on the Ballot Bill, which came on for Third Reading.
ME. MAQTJIRE wanted to re-commit the measure, in order to get rid
of the arrangement by which entire Seeresy is made impossible in
the case of the lowest and most ignorant class. But MR. FOBSTER
would have no more alterations. MR. NEWDEGATE fiercely denounced
the Bill as a boon to the Catholic Priests (some of whom, by the way,
have declared that they will use the Confessional as a means of
keeping their voters straight), and MR. W._ H. SMITH protested
against an organic change in the Constitution. SIR STAFFORD
NORTHCOTE declared that it was un-Eaglish. After a spirited
defence of it by MR. FOBSTER, who asserted that the measure was
demanded by the constituencies, the Third Reading was carried by
274 to 216 ; majority, 58.
Friday.— The Lords re-assembled,'though theymight have asserted
their right to a race-holiday, and gone to the Oaks. The House was
well filled, and there was an attendance of men of mark, who wished
to hear something about America. There was some rather close
questioning, and a good deal of dissatisfaction manifested.
LORD GRANVILLE declared that the honour of the country was
safe in the hands of the Government.
Bat still the Lords were displeased. LOUD WESTBURF, indeed,
intimated in the pleasantest way that Three Charity Boys, of tea
years old, would have made a better treaty than that of Washington,
and he implied that the Ministers had not the least idea as to what
sort of a new bargain they were making, and he tenderly implored
them to consult their legal advisers as to whether the hole would not
be as open as ever, after all their exertions. However, LORD GsiN-
VILLE would say no more than that proper explanations should be
given at the right time.
Punch suggests that Ministers had better act upon the nint ot a
famous Scotch song : —
" If it wasna weel bobbit, weel bobbit, weel bobbit,
If it wasna weel bobbit — we'll bob it again."
Rather a good Colonial debate in the Commons, and as Mr. Punch
knows the intense and absorbing interest taken in the subject, he
feels that the best thing he can do is just to— mention the fact, and
proceed.
Debate on the impropriety of remitting the remainder ot the
sentence on the ruffians whose outrages led to the death of MUBPHT,
the unclean anti- Popish lecturer. MB. BRUCE got behind the Judge
who tried the case, and had recommended the remission, so there
was an end. But things were said about "provocation, which
would have provoked Mr. Punch to wrath, if it were worth his
while to feel the passions of mankind.
We passed some Civil Service votes,
At nearly One put on our coats,
And such as pass for Ossy Fulks
Remarked that Rhine had won the Oaks.
JUNE 8, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
235
PUNCH'S DERBY PROPHECY.
, dear Beamish Boys and Girli, come to my arms. You
did read what I did not tajr : you read between the lines :
and you rejoice in your winnings. What I did say, as you
can easily tee by reference (though of course the words are
^stamped in all your brains) was, " We have now to speak
of Crtmorne " — and then, after a little joyous banter, and happy quotation,
we added " the Blue Riband is his." Chortle in your joy, if you like. So big
Print* Charlie's fortunes were the same as those of the other big pretender who
has lately come to grief, and who is now taking a view of several provincial dis-
tricts, which may be a prudent course, for more reasons than one. The foolish
were on Charlie's side, another coincidence. I told you that Queen's Mes-
senger ought to have won because I drew him in a sweep, but I am happy
that my own interests were sacrificed for the sake of yours. " My snakes and
gracious," as ARTBMUS WARD says, " there 's nothing scarcely I would not
do for my beloved Country. I would sacrifice all my wife's relations, and
most of my own, without a pang or a weep, if my country demanded it."
Still, if you like to send me a per-centage of the winnings to which I helped
you, "I'd take it worry koind, uncommon koind of yer," as DICKENS' tramp
says. But don't put yourselves out of the way to do it — don't reduce your
subscriptions to the Opera or any other of the Missionary Societies. Well, I
congratulate you on having followed my advice, noted what I did say, what
I did not say, combined the information, and pocketed a lot of money. Don't
spend it like frumious Bandersnatcb.es, or you '11 make me burble, but go on
your ways galumphing. $ JOfCJS.
LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.
THE doors of the Royal Academy have now been open a month,
and the returns of the visitors who have ascended the stairs are
hitherto without a precedent. The attendance of footmen and other
domestic servants, both in and out of livery, in the vestibule, is far
in excess of the usual average ; and the number of sticks, umbrel-
las, and parasols detained at the entrance, is greater than in any
previous year ; so much so, that the Council have liberally sanctioned
a grant for the purchase of additional balls of string, for affixing
the numbers to these articles.
Portrait models of CONFUCIUS, the Seven Wise Men of Greece (a
group), EPAMINONDAS, HANNIBAL, SOCRATES and his Wife, WAT
TYLER, ZOROASTER, JONAS HANWAY (with umbrella), and the owner,
trainer, and jockey of the Winner of the Derby (another group),
have lately been added to the well-known Exhibition of Wax
Figures in Baker Street.
Amongst the most recent patents is one for improvements in the
manufacture of candles, to enable consumers to burn them at both
ends.
MRS. SUSSEX DARLINGTON'S new novel, The Mosses of Rolleston,
on which she has been uninterruptedly engaged for more than a
month past, will be in the clutches of the Reviewers on Wednesday
next. Jhe plot of the story is laid on the Thames Embankment,
and a midnight struggle on the Underground Railway, when the
lamps have suddenly gone out, and no help is nearer than the
Mansion House, is spoken of as likely to enhance th'e reputation of
the authoress.
The new tenor is a great success. His high notes remind the
older habitats of the Opera of what RUBINI'S register was> before
the Reform Bill ; his low notes recal the compass of MARIO'S voice
in its palmiest nights ; and in some staccato passages he may be said
to bring both these great singers to the recollection of his hearers
at the same time. His execution leaves nothing to be desired on
this side the Channel.
The pyrotechnic season promises to be one of unusual brilliancy.
Rumour points to the " Cataracts of Crimson Rain," the " Trans-
parent Tonrbillons studded with Amber Bees," and the ." Final
Flight of Flashing Auroras," as forthcoming novelties which will
throw all previous efforts of a similar character completely into the
shade.
A Committee has been formed, consisting of the leading inhabi-
tants of the Island, to solicit subscriptions, and obtain designs from
the most eminent European, American, and Continental Sculptors,
for a statue (heroic size) in Carrara marble, of the late ROBINSON
CBCSOE, Esu., to be erected in some commanding position on the
heights of Juan Fernandez. As it is confidently anticipated that
every one who is acquainted with the life and history of thU remark-
able character will gladly contribute to the Fund, the CommitUe
hope to raise a sum sufficiently large to enable them also to place a
medallion of Friday on the pedestal.
Before many more publishing seasons draw to a close, a work may
be expected from the pen of a distinguished living writer— he will
forgive us for thus pointedly referring to him — which will finally
terminate all our anxieties as to the authorship of the Letten of
Juntas ; proving, beyond the possibility of a doubt, that they were
composed under the pressure of pecuniary difficulties and the arti-
ficial stimulus of ardent spirits, by a writer of whom no traces can
now be discovered, and whose very name (one not of uncommon
occurrence) has been spelt in different ways at different periods —
sometimes with an i, sometimes with a y, and both with and with-
out a nnal e.
ANIMAL INFANTICIDE.
BUTCHER, Butcher, spare a Calf ;
Veal is Beef developed half.
Let it reach proportions full ;
Grow to cow, or ox, or bull.
Butcher, Butcher, leave a Lamb
Frolicking: beside its dam.
Lamb is Mutton's early bloom,
Gathered by untimely doom.
Lambs will fill out into ewes,
As a slim young lady grows
To a matron's bulky mass.
Let the Lamb, consuming grass,
Likewise into flesh and fat
(Only Mutton) transmute that.
Butcher, Batcher, hold thy steel
From purveying Lamb and Veal.
Beef and Mutton may abound.
Then, at somewhat less per pound.
fresco Superseded.
THE Railway Bridge over the Thames at Barnes Terrace has the
merit of being ornamental. So much cannot be said of the parti-
coloured advertisements with which it has been defaced by bill-
stickers to the extent of their reach. One of these fellows advertises
himself in large letters as " Universal Bill-Poster." That is what
he would be, no doubt, if he could. It will not be his fault if the
interior of St. Paul's is embellished with paintings of Angels and
Sibyls. If Bill-stickers had not to beware of Churches, we should
soon see St. Paul's Cathedral, and Westminster Abbey too, inside
and out, beplastered all over with flaring puffs by the " Universal
Bill-Poster.5'
Antipathy Enlarged.
A COLLECTION of people united for the purpose of regulating other
people's habits met, the other evening, at Exeter Hall, under the
denomination of the Anti-Tobacco Society. This body of earnest
but as yet ineffective philanthropists would perhaps be more success-
ful if the reform at wnich it aims were a more radical one. Tobacco
is merely the leaf of one member of that very generally noxious
family, the Sulanaceee. Perhaps the Anti-Tobacco Society will
strike at the root of the order, or at least its tuber, declare against
the Solatium tuberosum, and enlarge themselves into an Anti-Potato
Association.
23S
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
8, 1«72.
"TWO CAN KEEP COUNSEL, PUTTING ONE
Mamma. "How SPLASHED YOU ARF, ALICE! You MUST H\VB BEEX WALKING is ALL THE PUDDLES YOU COULD FIND!"
Alice. " WELL, MAMMA, BOB AND MARY WOULD WALK ON THE SIDE WHKRB THERE WERE no LAMPS ! "
[N. B. Robert and Mary are engaged.
KEOGH AND CATHOLICISM.
TUAM'S Archbishop, Galway's Bishop, lo !
And Clonfert's, voters for their free votes banning,
Reported criminal by JUSTICE KEOGH,
What do you say to that, ABCHBISHOP MANNING ?
Are TUAM, GALWAY, CLONFERT, and the Priests
Who likewise by JUDGE KEOGH have been reported,
As to their flocks mere wolves ? If no such beasts.
Then must JUDGE KEOSH with heretics be sorted ?
Had they the holy office from the POPE
To make the voters vote at their dictation,
By threatening to deprive them of all hope
In the next world by excommunication ?
Can they, if needful, use, and, not abuse
E'en the Confessional, electioneering ?
Would your flock have to vote as you might choose,
Had you received your cue for interfering ?
What, will the Holy Father disavow
Those Irish Prelates, as their sphere transgressing,
Their Censor a good Catholic allow,
And send JUDGE KEOGH his apostolic blessing ?
Else, one were wise to think twice, thrice, and well,
Might one not find himself a clip- winged pigeon,
If he let you and MONSIGNOB CAPEL
Entice him over into your " religion " ?
Ghostly Consolation.
IT is a wonder that some of the hyper-orthodox Clergy are content
with demanding that the Athanasian Creed should simply remain
where it is. Perhaps some of them will propose that it should be
added to the Form for the Visitation of the Sick.
THE PROPOSED OLD JURY.
THE criminal classes will be glad to hear that a clause in the
Government Jury Bill proposes to extend the term of life during
which men are liable to be compelled to serve on juries from the age
of sixty to that of seventy. Above sixty the senses of sight and
hearing are generally impaired. Most jurors between sixty and
seventy years old will be unable to hear half of what judge, wit-
nesses, and counsel say, or to distinguish objects well enough to
read the countenances and note the demeanour of persons under
examination. Thus circumstanced they will of course give the
prisoner at the bar the benefit of that doubt as to his guilt which
will be occasioned by their infirmities. It will highly delight all
the rogues and thieves forming a portion of the British ^Public
present in a Court of Justice to contemplate a jury of which the
members mostly wear spectacles, and sit trying to listen to what is
said with their hands at their ears extemporised as voice conductors,
the foreman who presides over them having his acoustic organ
supplemented by a large tin trumpet.
Impromptu.
(Made upon the Doorstep, after the Departure of a Greedy Quest.]
CONSIDERING how I 've seen you stuff,
I need not hope you 've had enough :
But if you do not take a pill,
I well may hope you '11 not be ill.
"What will He do with it?"
A BRISTOL female has presented CASTRO with a Bible. We
wonder what he thought it was. But the gift was very unkind,
and Punch does not approve of spite. CASTRO is going to be placed
in the dock on the charge of having already applied too closely to
the sacred volume.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JUNE 8, 1872.
ST. PATRICK FOR GALWAY!
FOR ONCE, THE LAW HAS PROVED STRONGER THAN MOB VIOLENCE, AND A HEAVY BLOW HAS BEEN
DEALT AT THE POLITICAL TYRANNY OF THE PRIESTHOOD."
The Times, on MB. JUSTICE KBOGH'S Judgment.
JUNE 8, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
239
THE NOBLE SAVAGE AMONG THE ANTIQUARIES.
have hither-
to best known AYB-
TON, the amene,
the urbane, the
amiable, the genial,
by the agreeable-
ness of his answers
to Parliamentary
enquiries, and the
courtesy of his cor-
respondence with
architects who have
had the good for-
tune to be placed
in professional rela-
tions with the Office
of Works. He has
lately included the
Society of Anti-
quariesin the sphere
of his instructional
activity, and has
taken one of those
opportunities of
which he is so ready :
to avail himself to
show his zeal in
guarding the public purse from unwarrantable assault, and at the
same time to convey a rebuke in his own delicate yet trenchant
style to a Society of weak, if well-meaning enthusiasts, who
believe that it belongs to a Government, with more than it can
do in and about the present, to bother itself about relics or
records of the past. ME. LAYABD-who in his brief tenure of the
office of Chief Commissioner of Works did a good many rash
things tending to show an extra- if not anti-official interest in such
dilettante matters as Art and Antiquity, — which it has been one of j
the most useful and agreeable duties of Ms. AYBTON to undo, — was
so far forgetful of the limits of his public duty, as to write to the
Council of the Society of Antiquaries (in February, 1869) an invi-
tation "to furnish him with a list of such regal or other historical j
tombs or monuments existing in Cathedrals, Churches, and other !
public places and buildings as, in their opinion, it would be
desirable to place under the protection and supervision of Govern-
ment, with a view to their proper custody and preservation."
The Society, on this, appointed a " Sepulchral Monuments Com-
mittee," who with help from the inquiries of Fellows of the Society
and Local Secretaries all over the country, laboured for two years !
on the preparation of such a list, for which the Director of the ;
Committee received the thanks of the Society, and which LORD •
STANHOPE its Chairman, in his Address of this year, calls " a
document of no mean importance." With the pardonable enthu-
siasm of an old antiquary, LORD STANHOPE, while as an ex-member
of the House of Commons, reasonable enough to doubt "how far at
the present time Parliamentary control can be effectually brought
to bear upon the affair in question, considering both its novel nature
and its inherent difficulties," goes on —
" But at the very least, it is a subject which deserves the most attentive
consideration, and which, if successfully solved, would secure for ages to come
the noblest records of departed glory. I'o smooth the path for such considera-
tion, was therefore an aim most worthy to be sought ; and it is precisely this
aim which the List of the Committee has attained. It does not assert, as it
was not bound to do, that an Act of Parliament is at present practicable, but
it gives the foundation on which any such Act of Parliament, if framed at
all, must rest. It shows the length and breadth of the work before us ; it
establishes, on high authority, what are the works of stone or marble that we
should, if possible, protect from further harm. On these grounds, I may
fearlessly assert that, whatever the issue of any immediate attempts at legis-
lation, the gentlemen who served on the Committee will not have toiled in
vain."
The Council sharing this delusion of its Chairman, transmitted
this report to MK. AYBTON, as Chief Commissioner of Works, in the
rash confidence that he would adopt the appeal of his predecessor,
or. at least, lay the report before Parliament, while smiling, witn
calm superiority, at the enthusiasm of those who could see any
public importance in the subject, or find any interest in old monu-
ments.
But the Society was reckoning without its AYRTON. It little
knew the stern sense of public duty, and the serene contempt for
scsthetic trifling, which had now replaced eager dilettantism and
weak consideration for Art and Antiquity, at Ho. 1, Whitehall
Place.
MR. AYRTON administered to the Society, through his Secretary,
one of those curt and cutting rebukes, which have made him an
object of awful respect and wholesome avoidance to questioners in
the House of Commons. In this admirable answer, MB.
wholly declines to be bound by the letter of his predecessor, which, he
observes, was written without the sanction of the Treasury having
been first obtained. And he adds, on behalf of the Board, that
their Lordships " have no intention of introducing a Bill, or of
laying before Parliament the Report which has been made by the
Sepulchral Monuments Committee."
LOKD STANHOPE, instead of quietly putting up with the rap on
the knuckles which he has thus drawn on himself and his brother
antiquaries, is audacious enough to "doubt very much whether it
will be found to the advantage of the public service, if a system
should arise of the Chief of a Department disavowing the acts of his
predecessor, even though that predecessor was of the same political
party as himself, and whether a continuity or fixity of Ministerial
action be not a necessary condition in seeking for the future to
obtain for any public object the unpaid services of independent
men."
Does not LOBD STANHOPE see that MR. AYRTON is guided by far
higher considerations than any commonplace regard for expediency,
any more than politeness ? He had to consider, first, the duty of
snubbing intruders on a public office, whose head has other things
to do than attend to their crotchets. Then there is the pardonable
eagerness to avail himself of the opportunity of giving a slap in the
face to those who come up to him with the unwarrantable expecta-
tion of a shake of the hand. Lastly, there is the enjoyment of
throwing cold water on the exaggerated notions so common among
antiquaries of the value of the remains of a benighted past, and of
dispelling the delusion that an economical Government can acknow-
ledge any concern, charge, or responsibility in connection, with such
things.
We say nothing of the natural pleasure of making oneself dis-
agreeable, for which a Minister who has little enough amusement,
Heaven knows, can hardly be expected to pass by so fair an occasion.
Let us hope that the lesson thus kindly, if sharply administered,
will not be without fruit ; that the Society of Antiquaries, or any
other Society, will in future know its place better than to thrust
itself and its reports on the Office of Works as it is, in answer
to any appeal from the Office of Works as it was ; that
LOBD STANHOPE and all whom it may concern, will henceforth
bear in mind the difference between MB. LAYARD and MR.
AYRTON, and remember not only that— as MB. LOWJS has tersely put
it— -" we are not a paternal Government," but that " we are not an
artistic Government," that "we are not an antiquarian Govern-
ment : " and, above all, that " we are not a Government that gives
civil answers, or adopts educated men's estimate of the public import-
ance or aesthetic value of sepulchral monuments, or any other
matters artistic or antiquarian."
MB. AYBTON, by these well-timed and happily expressed answers,
spoken or written, in effect adapts to his own use the saying of
IMPERATOR SIGISITCND, when he proclaimed himself superior to
grammar, and declares to an admiring England, " Sum Ayrton
operarum Commissionarius et sum tarn super atstheticam quam super
urbanitatem."
TREMENDOUS TELEGRAM.
THE electric telegraph seems a medium hardly suitable for the
conveyance of such an announcement as the following message from
Constantinople, dated actually on the day but one before the Derby : —
"The (Ecumenical Patriarch has issued a pastoral letter excommunicating
the Bulgarian Patriarch, anathematising two Bulgarian Bishops, and inflicting
on another the eternal pains of hell."
Such news as the above is of a nature remarkably opposite to that
of an electric apparatus. It smacks of the pre-scientific ages, when
the electric light was not yet, and the world was in mental dark-
ness. Nothing was then known of electricity but some of its effects,
chiefly those of lightning, then considered a supernatural phenome-
non. At the same time Patriarchs and Popes were commonly
believed to be supernaturally endowed with fulminating powers,
like those of which the pretence, above instanced, of exercising has
been anachronistically reported by the lightning wire. Fulmina-
tions of that sort are out of date. Yes, MRS. MALAPROP, Ma'am,
the time has gone by for all such "cursory observations."
Premature.
AMONGST the many attractions advertised by the Crystal Palace
for the summer is an " Exhibition of Game and the Apparatus of
Sport," to take place on August 3rd, 5th, 6th, and 7th." We never
like to spoil sport, but, anxious to save the Directors and Managers
of the most agreeable place of amusement we possess from falling
into a snare, and coming into unpleasant collision with the Inland
Revenue authorities, we would remind them that the Game season,
even for grouse, does not begin until the 12th of the month in which
they propose to hold their Exhibition.
240
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JuxE 8, 1872.
INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITIONS.
WE have been requested to publish the
following programme of the various classes
of objects, intended to be shown at the
annual International Exhibitions during
the remainder of the period which com-
menced in 1871, and will terminate in
1880. As many of the articles enumerated
below require much time for their careful
and complete preparation, and will have
to be transported from distant countries,
it is obvious that it must be an immense
advantage to intending exhibitors to know
beforehand the precise year when their
specialities will be submitted to public in-
spection and cosmopolitan competition at
South Kensington : —
1873.— Skates, slides for magic lanterns,
&c., turtle in tanks; millinery, mathe-
matical instruments, perambulators, walk-
ing-sticks, and aerated waters.
1874.— Menageries, mangles, baths and
washhouses, games and sports, stove orna-
ments, hats, and draining tiles.
1875. — Postage stamps, silkworms, arti-
ficial limbs, small arms, omnibuses, light-
ning conductors, shows, spectacles, and
other optical instruments.
1876. — Flags, asphalt and other pave-
ments, yachts, medicine chests, hothouses,
waxwork, refrigerators, liveries and li-
queurs.
1877.— Matches, wedding outfits, saddles
and bridles, church'-bells, confectionery
THE OLD STORY.
(At the Horse Show.)
LAURA is DELIGHTED TO LOOK DOWN
CHABLES, CANTERING KOUND
OS BEAR
(including bridecakes), lighthouses, gaso-
meters, and perfumery.
1878. — Agricultural implements, sewing
machines, swimming apparatus, diving-
bells, dry docks, dentistry, and gums.
1879. — Panoramas, patent medicines,
parasols and umbrellas, circuses, chand-
lery, autographs, and bathing-machines.
1880.— Pipes and preparations of tobacco,
apparatus for preventing and consuming
smoke, observatories, orangeries, artificial
flowers, acts of parliament, carriages-and-
four, balloons, nying machines, fireworks,
and anything that may have been omitted
in previous years.
Fine arts, fine dresses, flirtations, re-
freshments, season tickets, turnstiles, cata-
logues, military bands, crowds of people,
and grumblers every year.
Parliamentary Ritualism.
THE House of Commons, which deter-
mined to sit on Ascension Day, adjourned
for the Derby. Let it not therefore be
said that the majority of the representa-
tives of the people of this great country
are Secularists. They have, at any rate,
a cultus of their own, and it is something
other than the idolatry of the Golden
Calf. They adore the nobler animal.
Their punctual and preferential observ-
ance of the Derby Day proves them devo-
tees of Horse-Worship.
^fiiir,,
A ' *>
EOT WONDEES WHAT BECAME OF HlM AT THB FIRST HURDLES (JCST BELOW HEE SEAT).
WHAT MUST BE, MUST BE.— His friends the Priests have unseated
./ATTAIN NOLAN for Gal way, very much, as may be imagined, against
lis will. But let him accept his overthrow with becoming equani-
mity, comforting himself with the old classic adage— Nolens volens.
A PEBFECT PAEADISE.— Our friend^BoHEOWBY, who is always less
or more out at elbows, is deeply interested in a new work on " The
Great Loan Land," and has serious thoughts of emigrating to so
desirable a country, if he can raise the means.
JOKE 8, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
241
EXPERIENTIA DOCET.
" 0 DEAR HE I HAS TlTTENS DOT PjlfS IN THBIR ToBS, I VtTNDIE ! '
ABILITIES AND ENJOYMENT.
THE Income-tax for ever ! That is what you are in for. Ye who pay it
abandon all hope. No substitute is possible for it, here at least in England
—although they manage these matters otherwise in France. Before all things
it is necessary that the Masses should drink cheap tea— that settles the question.
Make up your minds, therefore, to endure everlasting confiscation. You cannot
help yourselves. But you need not allow yourselves to be deprived not only
of your money, but also of the solace you derive from grumbling under the
conviction that you are wronged. The Times, in a leader the other day,
advanced the following apology for the impost from which you must never
expect to be free : —
" The authority of ADAM SMITH is probably the highest on this subject among political
economists, and it will be hard to show that an Income-tax sins in principle against any
but one of his famous maxims. It purport* at least to excel all indirect taxes in strict
compliance with the first and most important of those maxima, since it is specially
Jesigned to make all subjects contribute to the support of the Government in proportion
to their respective abilities— that is, in proportion to the revenue which they respectively
enjoy under the protection of the State.''
Suppose that, of two men, one enjoys, under the protection of the State, £500
a year of revenue derived from fixed property, and the other enjoys the same
imount of revenue derived from the practice of medicine, or otherwise obtained
by personal exertions, and liable and likely to fail him at any moment Are
their respective enjoyments the same ? Are their respective abilities the same ?
s one as able as the other to enjoy himself ? Is he as able to keep a carriage
)r to marry a wife r If there is no comparison between their respective abilities
l*> incur expense, how much is there between their respective abilities to stand
taxation F No; you are plundered, victims of Schedule D. There may be no
redress for you— but you are plundered. Grin and— bear it.
A Painful Impression.
THE feelings of a boy, going to school for the first time, who reads that
Master is wanted for " Blackrod Grammar School," and finds that the
advertisement refers to the Academy of which he is about to become a pupil,
may be imagined but cannot be described.
OVEfi A DEAD TREATY.
ENOUGH Misunderstandings,
Of Understandings grown :
And Oliver-Twist demandings
By Bunkum-bellows blown :
We ve tried conciliation.
Of concession not fought shy,
Bowed to all humiliation,
Short of downright humble pie.
Yielding never favour curried,
Or curried it would be :
If the Treaty 's dead and buried —
Amen to it— say we !
If e'er JOHN BITLL was willing
Nice points of right to waive :
Take tenpenee in the shilling,
Nor the missing coppers crave :
If e'er at Yankee 'cuteness
He was content to wink,
On our cousins' — hem ! — astuteness,
His sentiments to blink,
'Twas to save this wretched kettle
Of FISH from boiling o'er,
Claims, howo'er unjust, to settle,
Heal each self- fretted sore.
For this we shirked plain-speaking,
Lest their mob it might inflame :
Of party-chiefs' self-seeking,
Were content to help the game :
Put faith in their assurance,
Whom assurance ne'er controlled,
And bond of hardest durance
Was none too strong to hold ;
And when they turned the tables,
And tripped us in the dust,
Found cobwebs and not cables
In. the ties that were our trust.
Did we listen when they hinted
That " claims are only claims,
Of Brummagem brass-minted,
Counters for party-games ?"
That, " after aU, what matter
How much a case may ask ?
To sift the lawyers' chatter,
Will be the judge's task:
Why grudge a bit of Bunkum
Mob and mob-press to lime ?
Wire-pullers have to f ank 'em
So near election-time ! "
Best, p'raps, such pryings smother,
And leave question on the shelf,
Which side has done the other,
And which has done itself.
We 've given our cousins due rope ;
In a tangle if they 've got,
The record ,'s there, for Europe
To say who made the knot.
We 've bungled it betwixt us —
Decide, you who 've the phlegm,
Is 't our cousins that have fixed us,
Or we that have fixed them t
Meantime the Treaty 's done for ;
And all 's well well that ends :
Till the White House is run for,
Parties must please their friends.
That fixed in happier season
FISH may resume the floor,
And to quiet row by reason
Invite JOHN BOLL once more.
Till then, sans fume or frothing,
Our terms will stand the same :
For Indirect Claims— NOTHING :
For Direct ones, HALT TOUK CLAIM.
FOE THE NONCE.
IMMEDIATELY it was perceived whose horse had won
the Derby, the line of carriages round the Course became
known as " Saville Row."
242
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[JUNE 8, 1872.
AD I CO? 71 NC f\
WHITSUN' CHAFF.
Facetious Calby. " LOST THE 'OuNDS, GBKTS ?"
NO MISTAKE ABOUT EVE.
No question has yet been asked by any Reverend Gentleman in
Convocation about the nature of a work lately advertised under the
title of Saved by a Woman. There are members of that grave
assembly who may be imagined capable of being alarmed by the
announcement of a book which, by the name of it. they may appre-
hend to be worse than any thing yet written by the BISHOP OF NATAL.
Saved by a Woman, to their minds, may be the expression of an
error which is not only heterodox, but precisely the reverse of or-
thodox, and cuts at the root of everything. It has, in fact, no
reference at all to the Tree of Knowledge, considered in any point
of view whatever, whether according or contrary to the idea of
Da. COLENSO. Neither is it a tract intended to teach a great Roman
Catholic doctrine, but it is a very readable novel, only if the hero
had been worth " saving," we should have liked it better.
Exceedingly Rude.
MB. PUSCH considers a good many " athletes " as not much better
than brutes, but he has a respect for the Wrestler, whose sport
reminds him of Ajax and Ulysses, and who uses his strength with
science. Therefore he regrets to find that at Barrow-in-Furness, a
wrestler is regarded as one of the inferior creation. In the B.-in-F.
Daily Times he read that : —
" MR. GEORGE SKINNER, Hindpool, met with an accident on Tuesday
afternoon. He and some others were wrestling together, when SKINNER fell
and hurt hie hind leg."
THE SACRED WEDNESDAY.
(Motion made, and Question put, " That this House do adjourn
over Wednesday, the Wth of May,")
" ADJOURN o'er Wednesday ? Wherefore so ? "
" That we may to the Derby go.
On Wednesday little e'er goes on';
That day 's almost a dies non."
" Wednesday a dies non, indeed !
The only day that you concede
To crotchet-mongers. Throw away
Would you your weekly All-Fooh'-Day ? '
Sweetmeats for Schools.
SOME little while ago schoolboys were very generally affected with
a mania for collecting used postage-stamps. Should the American
notion of flavouring the adhesive matter of postage-stamps be
adopted by our own POSTMASTER GENERAL, that mania will recur,
with redoubled violence, amongst those unfastidious little wretches.
SIMILAR STREAMS.
DR. LETHEBT sticks up manfully for the London water, most of
which is derived from the Thames. The Doctor is, in his way, a
sort of Champion of the Thames, and, standing by the Thames as
he does, if he were not LETHEBY, you may fancy he might be called
THAMESBY ; but when you bethink yourself of
" the fat weed
" That roots itself at ease on Lethe's wharf,"
and consider that the banks, if not the wharves, of the Thames
abound in fat weeds, fattened by tributaries from Kingston-on-
Thames, for example, you will perhaps consider that Thames and
Lethe are so much alike that Thamesby and Letheby are really
equivalent names.
Bed for White.
IT is considered necessary, by GENERAL CHANZY'S Committee, "to
examine the capitulation of Sedan before a Court- Martial." One
would say that this was crying over spilt milk, but that no tears are
shed about it ; and, if there were, the fluid spilt and wept over would
not be milk.
Printed by Jotpph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. Jam-fl.nftrkonwel), In the County of Middle*"*, at the Printing ''ffifa of Messrs. Bradhnry, ETing, A Co.,T/jmbald
•street, in the Precinct of Whitefrlan, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. t5, Fleet street, in tne pArish of St. Bride, City of London.— SATURDAY, i une 8, 187i.
ItTNK I.1). 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
243
SUPEREROGATION.
Country Maid (having firs', seen "Minus" and the Children into a Cab). "0,
COACHMAN, I)O YOU KNOW THB P&IKCIPAb ENTRANCE TO DRDBY LANE
THBAT 1 "
Crabbed Old Cabby (with Expression of Ineffable Contempt). " Do I KNOW !
KIM AUP 1"
OUR BARONESS FOR OUR BIBDS.
NEXT to greedy Lords of Manors,
And the Railway wretches base,
(Wait, Confusion on their banners !)
England's Commons who efface,
If hard words could their employers
Serve as shots, the hardest words
I 'd let fly at the destroyers
Of our native British Birds.
Hang them ! There is scarce an Eagle,
E'en in Scotland, left on flight ;
They have managed to inveigle
Into gins, or shoot down. Kite,
Buzzard, Harrier, Goshawk, Hobby,
Merlin, Kestrel, Sparrowhawk,
Raven, Chough, Crow, Magpie — snobby
Landlords in the poulterer's walk !
They be hanged, too, those base prowling
Cads, and riff-raff, vagrant chaps,
Song-birds wholesale who, bat-fowling,
Catch, and snare in nets and traps.
0 for such a whip, to lick 'em
As would serve me, into fits.
0 for boots wherewith to kick 'em
That exterminate Tom-tits,
Thrush and Blackbird, Lark and Linnet,
Goldfinch, Bullfinch, Greenfinch ! Would
Foot had on it, hand had in it
Weapons which at will I could
Wield for Redbreast, Yellowhammer,
Brown, and Golden- crested Wren,
Those, and all things which enamour
With old England, Englishmen :
And a noble Englishwoman ;
Nobler none ; few wise as she,
For wild Birds and open Common
List LADY BURDETT COUTTS' plea.
If you do not see the wit in
These appellatory rhymes,
Read that. Lo, is it not written
In the other Thursday's Times t
AQUATIC INTELLIGENCE.— MBS. MALAPBOP was heard
to express the hope that the result of the International
Boat Race would be a glory to the Umpire on which
the sun never sets.
OPERA REFORM.
MELODIOUS PUNCH,
DON'T be startled by my heading. I am not going to ask
you to pitch into MB. Ore, or belabour Ma. MAPLSSON. The reform
which I desire is one beyond their management ; and I am bold
enough to hope that it will meet with your encouragement. But a
holder man than I am has given me the hint for it. Certainly,
HERB WAGNEB is far pluckier than I am. I should never have
been bold enough to write such operas as his, for I should never
have been bold enough to expect people to listen to them. Besides,
HERR WAGNER has actually just founded a new theatre, and that is
certainly a work for a bolder man than I am. Moreover, in his
theatre HEBR WAGNER has the boldness to propose to make the
orchestra invisible. In certain theatres I know, how I wish it were
inaudible ! But the best proof of his boldness I find detailed as
follows : —
" HERR WAGNER makes very strong demands upon his audience, which
needs reform as much, he says, as the opera itself. He does not wish that
people should enter the theatre after they are tired out by the labours of the
day, and when a superficial enjoyment is all they need ; hut he desires that
the people who attend the Nibelungen shall rest during the day, and enter
the theatre with fresh spirit, capable of receiving and enjoying the impres-
sions that will be called up."
Unbelievers in HERB WAGNEB will hardly; be surprised at this.
To them, it doubtless is such hard work listening to his music that a
good long rest beforehand will seem absolutely needful. But, with-
out haying the irreverence to acquiesce in this, I think you will agree
with him that operatic audiences vastly need reforming. I am, of
course, a model auditor myself, or I should not venture to throw
stones at my neighbours. But I notice that some people go chiefly
to the opera not to listen but to chatter, and scarcely hold their
tongues when PATTI sings her sweetest.
Then, besides the prattlers, there are the stampers and the
hummers, bores who think they have a little music in their souls,
and so apparently feel bound to stamp the time, and hum the airs,
in manner most abominable. Hardly less a nuisance are the
rapturous applauders, who raucously cry Brava ! in the middle ef
a song, and drown its final notes by their premature hand-clapping.
Not less annoying are the yawners, who seem bored by the whole
thing, as they would probably express it, and are sad dampers on
the pleasure of appreciative listeners. Moreover, quite as troubling
are the carpers, who try to show their knowledge by finding fault
with everybody, and affect to wince under the hearing of flat notes,
which nobody except themselves is sharp enough to recognise.
If HERB WAGNEK could reform these operatic nuisances, how all
true lovers of music would thank him in their hearts ! If he only
could compose people, and force them to keep quiet while sitting at
the opera, he would, with added merit, rank as a wonderful
composer.
Believe me, yours profoundly,
BEETHOVEN WEBEB BBOWK.
Calliope Cottage, Friday.
American Papers, Please Copy.
"KNOCKING the consequence out of a fellow " is a common school
phrase for the process the Yankees mean applying to us when
putting in practice their happy thought of inflicting " conse-
quential damages." However, there are many happy signs that
this threatening storm-cloud will be soon dissipated, and the
American Case will prove no casus belli, even as regards a war of
words, but brutum fulmen — mere SUMNEB lightning. _ May the
trouble, like so many others.be ended in the bowl, and, instead of
squabbling over last year's Washington bantling, let JONATHAN and
I JOHN proceed to " kiss the baby."
244
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 15, 187?.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
AT was the word, yes,
"Cat," but not on
this Monday, June 3,
but on the following
night, LOBD GRAN-
VILLK, the polite, used
it. lie said that MR.
DISRAFLI had heen
watching the PRE-
MIER, like a cat, all
the Session. But it
is fair to add, and
indeed, LOKD GBAN-
YJLLE, who is not
only polite hut just,
did add, that FKLIS-
DISRAELI had not
tried to pounce.
The Parliamentary
week was marked by
a debate raised by
LORD RUSSELL on the
American business.
He had been reticent
as long as he could,
but the fire kindled,
and he spake with his
tongue. He proposed
to carry a Resolution
that all proceedings
before the Geneva
Arbitrators should
be suspended until
the Indirect Claims
should be withdrawn.
We'll tell you a
story of high life,
omitting names, of course. Somebody (a great somebody) at a
reception, asked a friend what ladies the latter had just been speak-
ing to. He was answered that they were American ladies. Now
most American ladies are beauteous, but these were perhaps a trifle
less beauteous than most. " Hm," said Somebody, " it seems to me
that their Claims to admiration may be called Indirect Claims. '
" Good, even for you," said Mr. Punch, smiling at the epigramma-
tist, and gliding away to pay his compliments to the ladies in
question.
But to revert to the Lords. There was a slight anticipatory
debate'on Monday, and EARL RUSSELL announced that he should
certainly bring on his Motion next evening. LOBD WESTBURY said
that as LOBD GBAuyrLLE was desirous of sheltering himself behind
the shield of an opinion of the Law Officers, he, LORD WESTBURY,
should like to have an opportunity of seeing the shit-Id — or rather,
he did not want the opinions, but the Case that had been submitted.
LOBD GRAMVILLE answered that the other Lord might move a vote
of censure if he liked.
There was long talk on the same subject in the Commons, but as
it has ceased to have interest, Mr. Punch cannot be at the trouble of
going into details. This weather is depressing enough.
Of course MR. JUSTICE KEOOH'S Judgment in the Gal way Case
has made a terrible commotion. The wrath of the Irish Priesthood
is at a white heat, and they are raking ftp all the history of MR.
JUSTICE KEOGH'S early days — in which there is nothing to assail,
though he was a dashing jovial Irishman, who enjoyed life— to
prove that he had brought unjust accusations against the holy
hierarchy of Erin. MR. GLADSTONE was asked whether his atten-
tion had been called to the Judgment, and he said that it had, and
that he did not see that Government had any cause to interfere.
The Scotch Education Bill was proceeded with in Committee, and
the Liberals, this time, obtained majorities on divisions. This, we
suppose, is as much as you want to know ; anyhow, it is all we are
going to say.
Tuesday. — To-night came on EARL RUSSELL'S Debate. He made
an able speech. He was, as he always has been, opposed to the
doctrine of Arbitration, which the plucky old Whig does not con-
sider compatible with national dignity. He found huge fault with
the Washington Treaty ; but his attitude is so admirably illustrated
in our Cartoon, that it is needless to picture him in words. The
gallant veteran received, at the end, such cheers as the composed
Peers seldom give.
LORD GRANVILLE answered with vigour and ability, and pro-
tested against a course that was calculated to destroy Treaty and
negotiations and all.
Nearly all the good speakers were heard, LORDS DERBY, Knr-
BERLEY, GREY, WESTBUBY, SALISBURY, and CAIRNS did all they
knew, and the debate was worthy of the Senate. Then it was pro-
posed, by the CHANCELLOR, that the discussion should be adjourned,
whereat there was wrath, and on division it was resolved by 125 to
85, majority against Government 40, that there should be no
adjournment. But then it was pointed out by LOKD KINNAIHD that
LORD HATHEBLEY had been sitting there for many hours without
refreshment, and it was hard to ask him to get up and make an
elaborate reply at half-past midnight. S > the Lords relenttd, and
the debate was adjourned, and the CHANCELLOR had his supp'-r.
More Scotch Education in the Commons, and MR. THOMAS
HUGHES brought in a Bill on the subject of Betting. We have nut
yet seen it, b,.t we believe it is short, aud enacts that whosoever
shall make any bet of any kind upon any subject whatsoever shall
be exc-cuted for the first offence, and condemned for the second to
read nothing but sporting papers for the rast of his life. This we
consider merciful.
Wednesday.— In the Commons, on a Birmingham Sewage Bill,
SIR ROBERT PEEL was vehement, and quoted. He said that when a
previous division had come, the Whip
" Had stuttered out with incoherent zeal,
' Of course you vote against SIK KOBSKT PEEL.' "
We may note that he used some strong language about a Parlia-
mentary barrister, and that on another night remonstrance was
made by MR. DKNKOX, on which SIR ROBERT, ia the manliest
way, expressed his regret at what he had said ia heat, adding, that
"he withdrew it, to himself, the moment he had uttered it."
MR. DENISON then regretted that he had noticed the matter, and
Mr. Punch records, with a bland smile, that real good manners are
not yet banished from the House of Commons.
On a Bill for preventing vile defamation of character, it was made
clear that in spite of selfish or sentimental ladies, the House of
Commons perceives the virtues of the "Cat." By the way, wiser
ladies than those above gently alluded to, are petitioning that the
House will protect the helpless by flogging ruffians. MRS. FAWCETT
takes charge of the petition, and Mr. Punch rf commends that
signatures be sent to that lady, whose courage does her honour.
Thursday. — Debate on Lose RUSSELL'S Resolution was to have
been resumed in the Lord«, but EARL GRANVILLE had a sort of
sensation announcement to make. Briefly, the Indirect Claims
appear to have been formally withdrawn, if the proposed rule about
consequential damages, in the future, be adopted.
This was announced in both Houses, and the Lords felt themselves
justified in assenting to the withdrawal of LORD RUSSELL'S Motion.
Mr. Punch abstains from any Demonstrations until everything
shall be in black and white. But it did look as if the reign of
common sense were to be resumed.
In a small way, too, the same wholesome rule is regaining power
at home. Four questions had been put on the paper about CASTRO.
One was by his patron, MR. ONSLOW, and one by MR. WHAILEY, who
sees Popery in the believing the evidence of a Catholic nobleman.
MR. LOWE and the ATTORNEY-GENERAL announced that they did
not mean to answer any questions on the subject.
More Scotch Education, and something very shocking was said by
SIR JAMES ELPHINSTONE about hypocrisy being necessary for success
with Scotch constituencies.
Friday. — Do you happen to remember that some time back there
was ventilated an alleged grievance about some young Guardsmen,
who, according to the DUKE OF RICHMOND, were going to be ill-
treated by being made to educate themselves, whereas they had
received their rank without that preliminary? To-night the Duke
said that the COMSIAJTDER-IN-CHIEF had put matters all right —
how, was not stated.
The Liquors Bill went through Committee in the Lords. It was
foolishly proposed to interfere with the arrangement by which
Grocers sell bottles of liquor. Why, this is a most excellent
arrangement. The man who goes to a grocer's, and buys a bottle of
wine to consume at home, is a good sort of man, devoted to domestic
joviality. Home-drinking, in moderation, of course, is a positive
Virtue. Surrounded by his smiling family, let Paterfamilias pour
out to his beloved Partner and endeared Olive Branches the regal
purple stream, and let them be happy. There was also suggestion
that Grocers ought not to be allowed to keep open when Publicans
had to close. What wisdom there is in this world ! Does not a
respectable Grocer shut up at the most reasonable hours ?
In a debate on the Navigation of Men of War, MR. HANBURY
TRACY made a statement which may as well be noticed. During the
last 1 1 years 106 of H. M.'s vessels have gone ashore. In -11 cases
there was no blame, but in the other cases there was all blame, and
the value of the vessels thus blamefully endangered was £5,160,000.
Write it out in words, if yon please, and add that while a gentleman
was trying to impress the Commons with the necessity of educating
our officers, an attempt was made . to Count Out the House, and it
nearly succeeded !
JONE 15, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
245
A RITUALIST MIRACLE.
ROME ! Away with her !
Leave her to be finished
off by MH. JUSTICE KEUI.H
— we have no time to waste
upon the Lady Scarlatina.
We have a Miracle of our
own —a real Ritualist
Miracle. 'Tis recorded in
the C'/i »>T/I Tiinrs, and
vouched for by tho RKVKH-
I.M) GeitALD MOULTBIE,
S.,uth Leigh Vicarage,
Oxford.
Ilia letter is about a
minion 'in length, but for
which fact, and for some
of its language. Punch
might trant-fer it to his
columns. He must boil it
down, like spinach. But
he pledges himself to the
accuracy of his restimf.
A. (horrid) Methodist
named MICHAEL Aiitv
was, twelva years ngo, digging a drain. After work he supped,
and went to bed I»uw,JSlii. MOCLT.HII;, go on : —
" That night hie wife had a dream. She seemed to be watching her bui-
bund as ho was digging thu drain. She noticed a email hole opening south-
ward in the excavation, to whii li -In- r.illed her husband's attention ; that be
put hia spittle tn, ai.cl fp'ind that tlio more hu dug the larger it got. Finally,
the pawage got large enough for her to niter, and then she descended into the
earth. Aftei her aettent she ! > :' in ;i chamber of great beauty,
with many ornaments. That what most struck her attention were two pedes-
tals, square, and about four feet liitrl], < overcd with frosted silver, like hoar-
frost on a hedge in winter. That she was struck with the idea that it was
Fi'inctliinif mysterious and sacred, wiich made her exclaim, '•*•••.'
That, louking rounion the costly ornaments of the room, she wa» then filled
with (iesire for them, and fhouted out aloud, 'Lord, MICHABL! y>
know half whut we ,m; worth ! ' This woke her husband, who roused her
from sleep, after which she dreamed no more."
But, next day, she made her husband dig in the direction indicated
in her dream. He digged. He did not discover the chamber of
beauty, nor the frosted silver pedestals, but he dug up an Ancient
Crucifix. Alas, being a Methodist, he sold this, two years later, for
half-a-crown ! Ten years later, MR. MOULTRIE heard of the Miracle,
and he says, " 1 was half wild." (He seems to have amended his
half-ness now.) But he resolved to obtain the Crucifix ; and by
another Miracle, a little one of which he makes no account, he re-
covered it from a curiosity dealer. He has it now. He describes
it. Enough for a secular paper to extract one passage from the
description : —
" It is very rude ; and one's first impression is, ' How Tery ugly ! ' Hut
• the expression of the face is full of divine agony, which c units in one after a
time a certain indescribable awe, which maket one nervous when alone in the
rcom with it. I speak frum my own experience, and otheis have expressed
tliiir consciousness of the same feeling."
There ! Now has the Anglican, or rather the Ritualist, Church
no iliracles to support it '! A Methodist, who is, of course, worse
than any heathen, has been made the instrument. A dream suggests
the seareh. The hard-hearted Methodist sells the relic. A curiosity
(•hop-keeper secretes it for ten years. At last it is discovered, and
it makes MR. MOULTBIE nervous. What has Rome to say to this ?
Henceforth let S. Januarius, the Winking Picture, the
******
We are very sad, very much shocked. Will it he believed that
the following verses have been found inscribed on a wall at South
Leigh?—
" 0 please and l>e. cautious, you dear Ma. MOULTBIE,
Don't go in the farm-yard and look at tlie poultry ;
For though his suspicion could have no excuse,
A Protestaut gander might think you a Goose."
FAITH FOR THE FRENCH ARMY.
IN the French National Assembly, the other day, there occurred,
with respect to the subject of Army He-organisation, a rather brisk
debate on that of Religion. "Question, question!" would have
been the cry had the topic been imported into a similar discussion in
the House of Commons. There, indeed, it would perhaps be beside
the question. For the Legislature of France it is not beside the
| question at all, now, certainly. So long as the French Army con-
' sisted of willing conscripts and voluntary substitutes, religion may
have stood in a relation to it of no special importance. The man
who, in return fur a few sous a day, his clothes and victuals, did
| not hesitate to rim the rink of compound comminuted fractures and
amputation, loss of under-jaw perhaps, or of both hands, in this
j world, was little likely to look so fur forwards for anything un-
! pleasant as the- other. But compulsory service will bring into the
Army of France brains against their will. Brains object to be
blown out, the rather when they are largely eii<!o\vi-d with the
organs of the religious sentiments, Veneration, as the Phrenologists
say, and Marvellousness. Brains object to be blowu out eveu on
the supposition : —
" That when the brains were out the man would die."
Much, more do they object to be blown out on the oppoiite suppo-
'ii, and very much more still on the opposite belief, to wit, that
when tile brains are out the man will not die. The influence likely
to be exerted by religion on brains is therefore quite a point re-
quiring to be perpended by legislators who meditate opposing
brains to bullets and balls, and bombs, and bits of jagged iron.
Are the rank and tile of thinking Christians the stuff that a thinking
General would prefer to place in that antagonism ? Is the position
of a combatant in the cannon's mouth tolerable for any thinking
believer but one who is confident of being a perfect Saint Y
Messieurs may well consider if the union of religious faith with
reflective intellect i» likely to be serviceable, or otherwise than
extremely unserviceable for any army but an Army of Martyrs.
Here only think what a happy thing it is for Europe and the
world that the religion of the great majority of Frenchmen, who
have any at all, is what it is, namely Popery, which represents
future conditions as unspeakably frightful for all mankind except a
comparatively very few Romish Saints. Its tremendous dissuasives,
for ordinary mortals, from braving death anywhere, and particu-
: larly on the battle-field, have doubtless had some pacific effect upon
their miiids. It has assuredly kept them as quiet as any religion
1 could keep such a people ridiculously miscalled logical. What a
state mankind would be in, now, if the French were Mussulmans !
j Fancy what would happen if JULES were generally actuated by the
{belief of HASSAX concerning "the maids of Paradise," and ''the
dark Heaven of Houris' eyes," reserved for Zouaves and Chasseurs
who have the good fortune " mourir pour la patrie " : —
" They come— their kerchiefs green they wave,
And welcome with a kiss the brave :
Who falls in battle 'gainst a Giaour
Is worthiest an immortal bower."
It is truly a wonder that TS APOLEOW, called the Great, had not the
greatness to compel the French, when he ruled them, to torn Maho-
metans. Islam is the creed that their Bishops and Statesmen should
inculcate on them, if they want to humbug them into charging
batteries. Religion would be of immense advantage on the side of
French soldiers if it made them charge to the shout of Allah Ha .'
There is, however, a certain personal religion of the French kind
which may answer very well for military purposes— with proper
management. The religion of the unthinking Roman Catholic will
do, under adequate direction. But then he must be extremely un-
thinking. He must think nothing of aught that he has read, if able
to read, about futurity, or even of anything which he heard his
Priest preach the other day. He must think only of his Priest's
last words; and those must be " En avarU!" With a Chaplain
well up to his official work. Christianity d 1-a liumaine might, as
far perhaps as the multitude are concerned, be rendered a religion
for French soldiers the next best after Muhornetauism.
The Strasburg Zone.
IT has of late years become customary with sculptors to represent
cities of any degree of magnitude or importance as female ngures.
Many a statuary, doubtless, has made a graven image of Strasburg.
According to certain German papers, Strasburg is about to be re-
fortified. They say that Strasburg will be surrounded by a girdle
of eighteen forts. A corresponding alteration will require to be
made in the i-tatue of Strasburp, which should for the future have
the bas-reliefs of eighteen forts chiselled on its girdle. This will,
perhaps, originate a sweet thing in girdles.
The Fopjoya at Paris.
FRENCH gentlemen, apparently, as well as English, are capable of
pigeon-shooting, if not of dog-fiphting and badger-baiting. A
match of "trap-shooting" came off the other day at the Bois de
Boulogne. The competitors included a number of Counts, Mar-
quises, and Princes, but, according to a narrative of their brave
sport, —
" The first prize, 1~G7 fr., was carried off by Ma. YANSITTAKT without a
tie."
Some non-sporting readers might be disposed to infer from this
statement that pigeon-shooters, like the frequenters of "canine"
and ratting entertainments, are cads, not particular as to costume.
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JnxE 15, 1672.
REAL EDUCATION.
MR. Puyca IB OF OPINION THAT A POLITE AND EAST BEARING TOWARDS THE OPPOSITE SEX (TEMPERED, OF COURSE, WITH PRO-
PRIETY AND DISCRETION) CANNOT BE INCULCATED AT TOO EAHLT AN AGE. HE THEREFORE RECOMMENDS THAT WHENEVER AN INSTI-
TUTE FOE YOUNG LADIES HAPPENS TO MEET AN ACADEMY FOR YOUNG GENTLEMEN, THEY SHOULD ALL BE FORMALLY INTRODUCED TO
EACH OTHER, AND ALLOWED TO TAKE THEIR WALKS ABROAD 1ST COMPANY.
THE BRIGANDS OF BARNES.
THERE is a sad want of Custom-House Officers to check a species
•of smuggling carried on by gangs of Capitalists and Speculators in
the House or Commons, namely the smuggling of Private Bills. A
most disgusting instance of it is alleged in the following extract
from a letter signed " W. B." in the Times, on the subject of Barnes
Common : —
" I may tell " Barnes " something more. There is a Bill in Parliament by
which, a large portion of the Common is to be taken for a railway and railway
terminus. This has already passed the Commons without one single word of
opposition from the advocates for the preservation of commons and open
spaces, so that probably we may have coal-sheds and smoking chimneys built
on it. It would appear that commons and open spaces are only preserved
when not wanted for other purposes."
If it is simply true that a large portion of Barnes Common is
about to be taken for another railway there, the vigilance of people
of the right sort has been eluded by some of the money-grubbers of
the Midas kind, who turn everything they are suffered to touch,
however beautiful or useful in any other than a pecuniary way, into
money. Are there no gentlemen in Parliament who will organise
themselves into a preventive service to look out for and frustrate the
attempts of those sordid parties ? The need of an additional rail-
way on a spot so accessible as Barnes Common, is very little ; the
advantage of preserving that open space is very great. Spoil Barnes
Common, spoil Hyde Park, spoil Kensington Gardens. Cut a rail-
way through Hampton Court, and convert its Palace into a Terminus!
Perhaps the House of Lords will dare to rescue Barnes Common.
A Word for Sir Wilfrid.
AN advocate for compulsory abstinence from spirituous liquor may
found an argument upon the fact that the three first letters o'f
Ignorance are convertible into Gin.
READING MADE UNEASY.
IN a delightful letter, in the Pall Mall Gazette, by ME. CHAHLES
READE, that gentleman describes the Kensington Show of Musical
Instruments. But he says —
" Then there are Italian spinets, one of which ought to interest the Ladies,
for it has nineteen hundred and twenty-eight precious stonts outside it, and
very little music inside."
What do you mean, MR. READE? Why should this specially
interest the Ladies ? Is a Lady something externally rich in. ex-
pensive glitter, and internally devoid of charming and harmonious
qualities ? Can you intend to signify this ? 0, dear Sir, explicate.
Geology for Jackasses.
FOLKS talk of the Crust of the Earth ;
Its strata which outermost lie.
A Fool reflects, chuckling with mirth,
This world, then, 's a pudding, or pie :
Vesuvius, at seasons, lets out
The gravy within it has got,
And that being lava, no doubt
Inside that the meat is all hot.
Nominal Nonsense.
A COMMITTEE of the Council of the Institution of Naval Architects
has reported to the Board of Trade that, in their opinion, " the term
' nominal horse-power,' as at present ordinarily used for commercial
purposes, conveys no definite meaning." Worse than that, in one
case it involves a contradiction in terms. Who but a moke would
mention the nominal horse-power of a donkey-engine ?
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JU.VB 15, 1872.
BIG JOHN AND LITTLE JOHN.
LITTLE JOHN. "BE FIRM, BIG JOHN, BE FIRM! A3f I NOT BESIDE YO U .'.'.'"
JUNE 15, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
219
METEOROLOGICAL OBSERVATIONS.
EATHEit was made
fur conversation —
indeed it is its chief
necessary.
A calculation has
been put forth by
an eminent actuary
that three out of
every five conver-
sations open with a
remark on the wea-
ther. He was en-
gaged two years, in
all weathers, in col-
lecting data for
this computation.
His sufferings were
greatest in the bad
quarter of an hour
before dinner.
The Ancients
thought much of
the weather. The
Greeks had a Tem-
ple of the Winds,
an anticipation of
Greenwich Observa-
tory, and their most
popular comic author called one of his dramatic pieces The Clouds.
One of the most remarkable phenomena connected with the
weather is the number of persons who are constantly endeavouring
to raise the wind. They are more numerous than that other class of
people— a considerable one no doubt — who are always looking oat
fur a rainy day.
.Many persons are so much taken np with the weather that they
are continually in the clouds.
With all the discoveries Science has made, we are yet very far
from knowing what the clouds exactly contain, so many things are
still in nubibus.
There are two kinds of Dew. The one prevails in the early morn-
ing and leaves its traces on the feet, the other makes its appearance
mostly at night and affects the head. There is a difference of
opinion among philosophers about dew, but a remarkable unanimity
as to Mountain Dew.
Music has been composed on the weather, for instance the well-
known glee, Hail, Smiling Morn. (Note the sly allusion to the
fickleness of our English climate.)
There are four quarters of the wind, consequently there ought to
be two halves, but nothing is known of them at Greenwich.
Every information about ice can be obtained at OUSTER'S,
GRANGE'S, GEOVE'S, or any other eminent confectioner or fish-
monger.
There is a want in literature — there is no good biography of the
Clerk of the Weather.
No poultry show can be considered complete without a collection
of weathercocks.
In northern countries they call their dances in the winter
Snowballs.
The Weather was very dismal in the Dark Ages.
So far from agreeing with LORD WESTBURY, Punch submits that,
so far as the Indirect Claims go, the phrase has an appropriateness
and felicity rarely to be found, even in the vocabulary of diplo-
macy, that sok-nce of words pur excellence.
It is true JOHN BULL contends that the Indirect Claims were not
, included in the Treaty, and so Punch hag no business, it may be
said, to defend the phrase by argument drawn from them. But our
| American cousins maintain that such claims were included ; and as
their Commissioners are as responsible as our own for the phrase
which LOKD \VKMHUKY objects to, and as it has been evident all
through this dispute that our cousins know very well what they are
about, we submit that the phrase is a good phrase for their view of
the case, if not for ours.
Then the Direct Claims ! Aren't they as fine and healthy a set of
" growing " claims as ever were started ? Look at the case of our
dear, modest, fair-dealing cousins on this point. There are the
Claims for losses on account of merchant- ships destroyed, injured,
or detained, to the t .Tim noo. The Board ot Trade Com-
mittee, on inquiry, find that this claim has "grown" to ju*t tw
its natural size. This is managed by a system of double-entry
which does the greatest credit to the well-known commercial 'cute-
ness of our American cousins. Thus, in the case of captured or
destroyed merchantmen, the Owner first claims for lose of ship and
cargo, and then the Insurer claims for the payment he has made to
the Owner on account of the same los». This ingenious principle is
acted upon, all through the case. As a Britisher commenting on
this part of our cousins' Claims observes : —
" A shipowner makes a claim for loss of the bill of lading freight on goods
shipped on board his vessel, while the owner of the goods, at the same tim<>,
advances a claim for the full price which they would hare realised at the
port of destination. But it is obvious that this price would not have been
realised without the freight having been erst paid, and, eonsrqoentlr, if butli
claims were satisfied in full the freight would be in ••set paid twice over.
So in respect of the whaling and fUhing vessels, claims are made not merely
for the 'secured earnings ' of such ships at the moment of their capture, but
for the whole ' prospective earnings ' of their voyage, no deduction whatever
being made for wear and tear and consumption of stores. Similarly, in the
case of ships in ballast— that U, in course of sailing to a port of loading —
claims are made for the whole of the ' gross freight ' whii-h they would have
earned if they had taken up their cargo, whereas it is obvious that the real
loss consists of the 'net freight' which would hare been realised after de-
duction of wear and tear, consumption of stores, payment of wages, and other
necessary expenditure."
If a monument is due to the man who "makes two blades of grass
grow where one grew before," American patriotism ought surely to
hnd some reward for the 'cute citizen who discovered this way of
making two dollars grow out of one, in his Direct Claims on the
Britisher.
But with these American Demands before ns, who can complain
that the phrase which has so annoyed LORD WESTBUKY is not strictly
appropriate ?
ALL A-GROWING!
LOKD WESTBTTRY finds fault with our Commissioners at Washing-
ton for using the phrase "demands growing out of the Alabama
Claims." LORD WESTBUEY declares, m his pleasant, playful way,
that such a phrase smacks more of the market-gardener than the
diplomatist. But surely, whether the Commissioners were or were
not the i ight men in the right place, their phrase is the right phrase
in the right place. What have the demands of our dear American
cousins done but " grow," from year to year, from month to month,
from week to week, from day to day ? They are still growing.
They will go on growing, we may be certain, till the Arbitrators put a
stopper on them. "Growing"? — neverwere such demands to grow!
These are the Indirect Claims, first. They would have " grown "
to nobody can say bow many millions out of nothing at all, if JOHN
BULL hadn't put his foot down, and squenched them, for good
and all.
And not only may these indirect demands be best described as
" growing," but as " growing out of the Alabama Claims." For
what has been JOHN BULL'S contention all along, but that such
demands never could have grown within the Alabama Claims and
therefore could only have grown nut o/them.
A QUESTIONABLE SPIRIT.
" THIS New Tea Spirit, Robur "
About the walls we see.
What Spirit, from so sober
A beverage as Tea ?
And Tea with " Robur" naming
Together, seems a joke
Some explanation claiming ;
As " Robur" stands for oak.
If leaves could be fermented,
And were a Spirit made
Of some which are presented
For tea-leaves in the Trade ;
Then Robur, in all reason,
Would be its name, right due :
Those leaves that King of Trees on,
The Quercus Robur, grew.
Exhaustive Observations.
TnEKF, are at present under discussion several subjects of so much
public interest that, of course to supply popular demand, leading
articles about them appear repeatedly in the newspapers. The only
fault to be found with these lively commentaries is their brevity. The
average length of them is about a column-and-a-half . It is very true
that all the information they contain could generally be compressed
into half a column, or less, but who would like that summary treat-
ment of a topic which it is delightful to dwell on P Breathes there
[ the man. or even the woman, who would be content with an epitome
of all that is to be eaid on the subject, for instance, of Scotch
! Education ?
250
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 15, 1872.
MENTOR AND TELEMACHUS.
Unsuccessful Oar. " I SAY, MUSCLES, HOW DO YOF ACCOUNT FOK MY BREAKING DOWN ? "
Trainer (reproachfully). " 0, WERY BASILY, SIB. YER WOULD READ WHILE YER wos IN COURSE o' TKAININ', AND I ALWAYS
TOLD YER THAT BOOKS AND LlTERATOOR AND THEM THINGS SPILED THE 'ANDS, AND WOS DEATH TO A GOOD EDUCATION."
WHAT THE BURMESE AMBASSADORS OUGHT TO BE
SHOWN.
A CKOWD at a Railway Station struggling for their Tickets at one
small aperture, two feet by nine inches.
The Streets after a couple of rainy days.
One or two of our Four-wheeled Cabs.
All the Public Statues.
A Butcher's Boy in full career along a crowded thoroughfare.
Leicester Square.
The House of Commons voting away a million or so of the public
money. The House of Commons deeply interested in a personal
squabble.
A few of our most accomplished Street-beggars.
An Irish Election.
A City Feast.
A City Church, with a clergyman (handsomely remunerated),
clerk, beadle, pew-opener, sexton, and organist, but no congregation
worth counting.
The British Museum — if it does not happen to be shut.
The British quart Wine-bottle.
Samples of the Necessaries of Life well adulterated.
The neighbourhood of a nourishing Gin-palace at twelve o'clock
on Saturday night.
A very High Church. (N.B. The interpreter should explain to
their Excellencies that.Popery is not the established religion of the
country at present.)
The interior of St. Paul's Cathedral.
Our roomy and convenient Law Courts.
Our Organ-Grinders.
A Beadle.
A Match-making Mamma.
The inside of an Omnibus on a pouring wet day.
The admirable arrangements at the Royal Academy for taking
care of parasols, sticks, and umbrellas.
A Third-class Railway Carriage.
SCOTTISH PAPERS, PLEASE DON'T COPY.
IN a debate on the Scotch Education Bill, the following dreadful
remarks were made, according to all the reporters, by Sis JAMES
ELPHINSTONE, Baronet. Mind, this gallant sailor is a Scot, his
parents being of Aberdeen and Haddington respectivelv :—
" Although he was not a Scotch Member, he had stood tor several Scotch
constituencies, and he supposed he was considered deficient in that amount of
hypocrisy which was necessary to approach a,Scotch constituency. Therefore
he had sought a more honest one."
5i Namely, Portsmouth, where the population may have many faults,
but where certainly the rule is an inconvenient, not to say indecorous
frankness which is, adequately, represented by SIB JAMES. But
what will Scotland say to this revelation by one of her distinguished
sons ? Eh, Sirs, but it 's just awful.
TIGHT LADS.
A RATIONAL order has proceeded from Head-Quarters. His Royal
Highness the FIELD-MARSHAL COMMANDING-IN-CHIEF, in a memo-
randum recently issued, directs that, " in future, clothing for recruits
be fitted as loose as possible, to enable them, as they increase in size
from good diet and nealthy exercise, to undergo their drill without
impeding the free use of their lungs and the action of the heart."
Nothing could be wiser in its way than this improvement of the
British Soldier's uniform, except the extension of its principle so as
to provide easily-fitting clothes for him when rations and drill
shall have developed him from an attenuated recruit into the pleni-
tude of a full private. A tight uniform is so bad a thing for the
soldier, that there cannot be a worse, except the personal tightness
of the wearer when he has got tight^himself. And observe, that,
when a man is tight both' in himself and in his tunic and trousers,
tightness of dress is attended with laxity of discipline.
JUNE 1/5, 187?.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
251
SMALL THINGS AMUSE SMALL MINDS.
MB. AND MRP. JKSSAMT ARE NOT GOING TO us DONB OUT OF THB PLEASURE
OF USING THKIR NEW GARDEN-HOSE JUST BECAUSE IT HAPPENS TO RAIN.
JAMES THE SECOND AT THE TOWER.
THE attention of the Constable of the Tower is respectfully invited to the
plight of JAMES THE SECOND, so to name the representative of that Sovereign,
last in the series of equestrian effigies forming the Horse Armoury. Termi-
nating the row of mail-clad dummies, this dummy is but partly mail-clad, as
the period of its original was one of transition, when mail was falling into
disuse. JAMES THE SECOND at the Tower is clothed in a combination _ of
armour with a riding-dress of the period. This attire, from the incongruity
of its components, was, even when brand-new, if grand also grotesque, but not
so very much more grotesque than grand. Now, however, the ravages of Time
have diminished the grandeur extremely, and increased the grotesqueness to
a corresponding degree. The padding inside of JAMES has decayed and col-
lapsed ; the textile parts of his clothes have fallen in, his once white buff
gloves have got soiled, with their fingers at odds, his laced hat is battered
and tarnished, his black wig matted and stiffened into frieze, hangs awry on
Ms shoulders, and he has altogether fallen into a state so ramshackle that
anybody, not knowing him to be JAMES THE SECOND, would mistake him for
GUT FAWKES. Considering what Gtrr FAWKES did, and what JAMES THE
SECOND, grandson of JAMES THE FIRST, did nevertheless, one can respect the
Protestant feeling which allows that King to remain in a condition of simili-
tude to that Conspirator ; but historical truth should be regarded as well as
Protestantism, and to consult the latter, it would amply suffice to hand JAMES
THE SECOND, as he sits at the Tower, over in trust to ME. WHALLET and MR.
NEWDEGATE, for the purpose of being put to use as a Guy, to be exhibited,
as the Guy which he looks to perfection, regularly every fifth of November. At
any rate a new JAMKS THE SECOND ought to be substituted in the Horse
Armoury of the Tower for the old one, whose appearance is so disreputable that
the Constable, now that his notice has been called to him, cannot, surely, fail
to take him up.
Punch and Judy.
THE following quotation appears in a provincial paper :—
"Money is said to be the sinews of war. It is equally the sinews of marriage. With-
out it no couple can carry the war on."
With the Government, that is, and Society, and surroundings. Between
themselves, with money or without, they carry on the war, most of them, so long
a* they live together. Only without money married life is generally savage,
with money may be civilised warfare.
AYRTON'S ILLUMINATION.
" It is to the First Commissioner of Works that London owes
the light, kindled for the tint time this week, on theiummit of
the Clock Tower, and meant to be kept alight whencrer the
House of Commons is bitting. The light is of gas, placed in tin-
lantern which crowns the Campanile. Unluckily, being bavktd
by a redrftor, H shims only for the South and West of London."
—Paragraph in the faperi.
I HAVE no store of pleasant smiles,
Like gome official men ;
No but.ttr iu my mouth beguiles
Those who approach my den.
The rough side of my tongue must scrub
And draw blood, e'en in play ;
Whose hair goe'er 1 have to rub,
I must rub the wrong way.
To civil question bland reply
To give I ne'er was known :
Science and Art of me fight shy,
Fur hard things at them thrown.
No money out of me you screw,
That a close fist can hold :
Artist I hold the same as " do,"
And to say so make bold.
For pleasant words and courteous moods
I am no more your man,
Than my forefather, that in woods,
A noble savage, ran !
Yet to the House all in my power
To give, free, given shall oe —
A light upon Big Ben's Clook-Tower —
For South and West to see !
Sign of that wisdom's light whose rays
Kindle the House below ;
While legislators shine to blaze,
And out, with them, to g«.
To hire electric light I 'm loth,
But of cheap gas we've store ;
And, if 'tis cheap and nasty, both,
I like it all the more.
Backed with reflectors through the gloom,
My gas-lamp high displayed,
One-half of London will illume,
If t'other half 's in shade.
Therein of House of Commons' light
A fitting symbol too—
For where but one side can be right,
How look for light from two ?
And well, too, that my gas should blaze
Above the clock sublime —
Symbol how Commons' wisdom plays,
And takes no note of time 1
This gaslight and that wisdom's strength
Travel by self -same lines ;
For either through a weary length
Of leaden spouting shines !
So light with light keeps balance right,
Each against other weighed ;
A costlier, brighter, broader light,
Less meaning had conveyed !
Question for Lord Kimberley.
WHAT earthly reason can there be for closing Public-
houses, as proposed by the Government Licensing Bill
during the additional hour of from five to six P.M. on
Sundays? The reason why they should be closed be-
tween three and five is intelligible. Publicans, waiters,
and barmaids ought to have insured them the possibility
of going to church. No such reason demands the
continued closure of Public-houses for an hour over
church-hours. There is no reason more than earthly
for that annoyance, and, if an earthly one exists, what
is it?
252
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUKE 15, 1872.
COUNTER IRRITATION.
First Customer (entering suddenly). "I SAT, IT POSITIVELY HURTS, THIS HAT I BOUGHT OF You TESTKBDAT!"
Second Ditto (waiting to IK measured aghast, at being taken for a. Shopman). " Au— OH ! HAT ! I "
First Ditto. " ABOMINABLT BAD FIT, THIS HAT 1 "
Second Ditto (recovering his self-possession). " 'NDEED, SIR ! A— H TOUK COAT is, MOST D'CIDEDLV, SIR!"
PRIZE POEM.
LAST week I sauntered round the Zoo,
I saw a Whimbrel and a Smew ;
I could have played on any timbrel
For joy that I had seen a Whimbrel ;
I could have played a flute, too-too,
For joy that I had seen a Smew.
I never saw the like before,
I never want to see them more.
But don't you come pretending, you,
To know a Whimbrel or a Smew,
Or any other fiction hatch,
Like an old frumious Bandersnatch ;
That were a dismal thing to do
About a Whimbrel and a Smew.
Priests and Paddies.
" IBELAJTD for the Irish !" is a cry in which mobs shouting for
Home Rule are joined by Priests. Thereby, however, their Rever-
ences and their lay associates express different notions. The people
mean what they say ; their spiritual pastors, and masters, too, that
aim to be, mean Ireland for the Romish.
Considerate.
So many of the frequenters of Music Halls are troubled with a
difficulty of aspiration, that it is pleasant to find the managers of
one of those places of entertainment humouring the infirmities of
their patrons by distinctly placarding the name of a star — from the
Transatlantic firmament — as "OKKIHS."
GLORIOUS TIDINGS.
WHAT shall not be done, in the way of honour, to our friend KING
COLE P H. M. daily announces, that at the New Show House at
South Kensington,
" Visitors can dine after the Exhibition clows, as well as previously."
This is delightful. Two fine Appetites for one shilling ! Gentle-
men who find it difficult to dine once, and who, to attain that object,
have recourse to unholy Sherry-and- Bitters, notice this ! Punch
has taken a season-ticket, to ensure himself twelve dinners a week,
taking his chance on Sundays.
Intimidationist Priests.
HERE is a characteristic piece of news from Ireland : —
"THE GALTVAY JUDGMENT.— At a private meeting of CARDINAL CULLEN'S
Clergy yesterday, at Harlborough Street Cathedral, in Dublin, an address was
passed strongly condemning JUDGE KEOGH'S judgment."
To be sure. Judex damnatur cum nocens absoh-itut — as a general
rule. The acquittal of the criminal is a sufficient condemnation of
the judge. But perhaps CAKDINAL CULLEIT'S Clergy had a reason for
specially condemning JTTDGE KEOGH. Was it for the likes of them
to presume to absolve the BISHOPS of GALWAY and CLOU yEET and
the AECHBISHOP OF TUAM ?
ANATHEMA IN EXCELSIS.
CREED of St. Athanasius ? No, indeed.
Call it, good priests, the ANATHEMASIAN Creed.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 84. Holford Squire in the Piiri-h of St. Jamei. C|prk»nwell. in tko County of Middl«el, at the IVn't-n nfflc-t ol Mes«r». Bradbury. T?Y»n«. ft Co. LomMrt
Strret, in ih« Free net of Whit friaj-.m the ity of La*)4aB,ftBd rubliehed by him, at No 83, Fleet Street, in the Farbb of 8t, Bride, City of London. — SATcRDiY. June lfi,187t.
JUNE 22, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
253
HAPPY THOUGHT — DIVISION OF LABOUR.
" A— LOOK HBRE, MlSS BoNAMY ! S'POSB TOU LOOK AT THK PlCTUKKS,
WHILE / CONFINE MY AlTKimON TO TUB CATALOGUK ! GET THROUGH THB JOB
IN HALF THR TlMK, TOU KNOW!"
EIIEU !
0 FOB one hour of dear old PALMERSTON,
To get this super- Liberally ruled nation
Out nt1 the mess tis in through that ill-done
Affair of the Genevan Arbitration !
Man at the Wheel of State, had he till now,
A living Nestor, still our Helmsman been,
Great works accomplished, Candour must allow,
Such as we see, we never might have seen.
'Tia like enough, had PALMERSTON borne rule.
That Household Suffrage had been still held back ;
There would not be a vote for every fool,
Nor schemes to help fools vote that letters lack.
Measures to curb the people in their joys,
01 Sabbatarian-sumptuary kind,
For schooling Englishmen like little boys,
Might have continued still to scorn consigned.
But England's weal, or England's honour, wrecked
We should not fear on any foreign shoal !
Should now behold " attorney-ism " * checked :
Ne'er have been got into our present hole.
• " We thank thee, BBIQHT, for teaching ua that word."
PENAL SERVITUDE OF J URGES.
THB trial of MAEGUEBITE DIBLANC not having been
finished in one day, the Court had to adjourn until the
next morning. According to Law Report : —
" Meanwhile the Jury were escorted to the Cannon Street
Hotel by an officer of the Court, and were not allowed to separate
overnight."
The trial lasted over the next night too, and the
Jury had to undergo this disgusting infliction a second
time. In the meantime the ATTOKHEY-GEHERAL'S Jury
Nuisance Bill is under the consideration of a Select
Committee. Why cannot an obvious part of that
nuisance be abated at once ? Because it does not affect
Members of Parliament. How very expeditioualy it
would be abolished if it did !
FINE ARTS.
ON the Spur of the Picture Exhibitions, Sales, and the like, there
is plenty of goose-gabble upon the Fine Arts now p' nights. Any
one who ventures much into society must have at his tongue's tip a
smaller of Art-jargon, and pretend to know a something about
poetry of handling, middle distances, and high lights. Yet, after
all, the arts which most affect Society are assuredly not those which
occupied the life-study of RAPHAEL and RF.MBEANDT. Brag of
our Art-culture as vainly as we may, Society cares far less to study
the fine art of RUBENS or of REYNOLDS, than to heed the culture of
such fine arts as the following : —
The art of getting rich young lords to dance with your fair daugh-
ters, so that in due time their attentions may be marked, and some-
thing serious may come of it.
The art of tempting pleasant friends to come at a late notice to
fill up gaps at table ; especially when, otherwise, you would have
had to undergo the dismal dreariness of dining only with your own
relations.
The art of getting managers to give you stalls and boxes, in the
notion that your presence does credit to their theatres.
The art of finding a rich friend to make a tour with you in autumn,
and of leaving him to bear the lion's share of the expenses.
The art of entering a ball-room immediately after some grand
names have been bawled out, and of assuming the appearance of
owning, yourself, one of them.
The art of tempting your old Aunt to give your girls new dresses
whenever thejr require them.
The art of finding out the hours to call on disagreeable people, so
as to be certain that they will not be visible, in which case your card
will satisfy the rigours of society.
The art, if they are poor, of keeping all your near relations at a
distance, so as to prevent their ever asking you to put your name
upon a bill, or be godfather to baby.
The art of getting a day's pheasant shooting, or a famous mount
to hounds, whenever it seems good to you, without incurring farther
cost than your travelling expenses.
The art, when you come up to town to pay a round of calls and do
a little shopping, of persuading some rich bosom friend to take you
in her carriage, whereby you save your cab-hire, and enhance your
reputation.
The art of getting amateurs of the very finest water to ring at all
your soirees, without so much as giving them a supper for their
services.
The art of getting credit, without interest, from a Jew, or discount
upon ready-money payment to a butcher.
The art of so beguiling your gouty rich old uncle, that he gives up
drinking wine, and generously makes you a present of his cellar.
The art of tempting publishers to put you on the free list for all
their magazines, reviews, and other publications, under the im-
pression that to lie upon your table will increase their circulation.
The art of so arranging your card-tray for a party, that all the
swellish names are conspicuously legible.
The art of saying " No " to a lady-friend who calls, or writes, to
ask a favour of yon, in such a diplomatic way as not to run the
slightest risk of forfeiting her friendship.
The art of passing off cheap claret with so much pomp of cork-
drawing and ceremony of glass-wiping, and with such a knowing
sniff and wink and lip-smack after sipping, as makes your friends
believe it really is the Margaux or Lantte you tell them.
The art of handing Baby round to kiss, during dessert, in a manner
so enticing as will make your richest old friend present anxious to
stand godfather.
The art of wearing a had hat with so much grace that even
creditors will fancy it a good one.
And, finally, the art of taking old umbrellas to the Club, in the
fond hope, now and then, of getting new ones in exchange for them.
A Precious Definition.
THE BBST PASTE.—" Jewell's Apology."
TOL. LSI I.
cc
254
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL
[JUNK 22. 1872.
OF PARLIAMENT,
ONDAY, June 10. —
Second Heading of
the Ballot Bill by
the Lords. The
MARQUIS OF RIPON
moved it, with mo-
derate and dis-
creet praises of the
measure, as calcu-
lated to do away
with vices that
must shock Lords
obliee an inquisitive posterity, has reported the proceedings at some
length. Luckily, the debates during the rest of the week make no
such call on his industry, and this is a comfort, something like hot
weather having set in with the Ascot Cup Day, when the French
horse, Henry, beat the Baron's Fiimmitu.
The Commons talked over the Civil Service Estimates, but there
was nothing very exciting, except that the Committee refused to cut
off the salary of the Privy Seal, and that Ma. MACKIB said that the
steel-peus supplied to the House were the very worst in the world.
We are glad of it— who that is entitled to be called a Great Man
writes with a steel pen ?
" ANSBR, apis, vitulus, regna gubernant."
Tuesday. — In both Houses were there earnest speech.es and evasive
replies upon the American question. Whether the earnestness were
opposed the Bill,
as effecting only
a very partial
change, whereas a
whole system will
have to be revised.
Now the Ballot
would give us a
worse House of
Commons than at
present, and that
would much hinder
other reforms. The
Dun? OF RICHMOND disliked the Bill, thought it very bad, and
shuuld not oppose the Second Reading. Like the goddess Dulnes>t
in the Dunciad, he
"with a discontented air
Seema to reject, the while he grants the prayer."
LOUD SHAFTESBUB.Y opposed, as the Bill would entirely sap the
Spiritual, and vul- ! real, and the evasion not statesmanlike, are separate questions,
parities that must I The MM- London Railway, Western Section, Bill was read a Second
shock Lords Tern- : Time. We exult to think of the discomforts that will come on the
poral. EARL GREY I menaced districts while the rail is being constructed.
MR. BOWUING, rising to propose an alteration in the system of
Counts Out, was himself promptly Counted Out. Never play with
fire. He announced that he should renew a Motion which " had
been cut short by the cruel scissors of the Fates." Dear Mit. Bow-
BING, only one of the Fates had scissors. 'Tnras Atropos. Don't
vou know that she said, on the day of the birth of Vaccination
JENNER, that she had lost them? Would you speak of the tele-
scopes of the Muses-P
Wednesday.— In debate on some Irish law Bill, the ATTORNEY-
GENERAL FOR IRELAND performed a national service. He explained
that Excelsior, in the sense in which a poet should have known
better than to teach the servorum pecus to use the word, is abomi-
nably bad Latin. He made a most diverting and rollicking speech
against the Bill, and the House threw it out,. ME. MAGUIKE inter-
polated a scoff at a certain Judge who has driven the Irish priests
and their friends to frenzy, but that Judge will find himself power-
fully sustained by the Imperial Parliament, if the cage is brought
before it.
Then we had a pleasant little debate on a Bill for the Protection
morality of Voters. He expected to see the Church destroyed, the
Lords attacked, and— he was "prepared to tremble" for the
of Wild Fowl, and MR. AUBERON (he should be AtrnuBON) HERBERT,
in a charming ornithological speech, pleaded for the smaller birds,
Throne. Our artist has vainly endeavoured to depict an excellent our benefactors, against gardeners, trappers, and those wretched
nobleman preparing to tremble, but regrets that he cannot get idiots, the Sparrow-Club men. Ma. HENLEY objected to the Law s
nearer the mark than the presentation of a gentleman in bed, being asked to protect little birds ; and as this excellent veteran
regarding a shower-bath on a frosty morning, and as this is mani- rather goes in for piety, we should like to ask him whether— we wil
festly beneath the dignity of the subject, he takes another. not quote from too high a source — but whether he remembers the
LORD COWPER supported the Bill because it was not objected to
in COWPER'S Poems." LORD RAVENSWORTH opposed it because it
was not praised by VIRGIL, whom he has translated. LORD ROSE-
EERY, whose name is PRIMROSE, opposed it because
" A primrose on a river's brim
A yellow primrose is to him,
And it is nothing more."
The DUKE OF RUTLAND opposed it because his county is the
smallest in England. LORD LYVEDEN supported it because his
name is VERNON, and Ver non semper viret, that is, he is very
seldom green.
We are bonnd to say that the account of what was said by the
last five speakers is one which Mr. Punch declines to vouch for.
The fact is that he went out to dinner, and on his return obtained
his facts from an Irish friend. But it is not of much consequence,
and probably the reasons which the five Lords gave were not half as
cogent as the above. Mr. Punch returned to find LORD CARNARVON
abusing the measure as full of snares, pitfalls, and delusions.
LORD BELMORE said that the Ballot worked well in Australia, where
a scrutiny was allowed. [N. B. This is a most important point. You
can have no absolute secresy where there is a scrutiny, and no
safety against rascality where there is not — utrttm hnrum Mavis
accipe — "mavis" is Scotch for a thrush]. LORD KIMBKRLEY, for
Government, gave us the comfortable assurance that the Bill would
do neither so much good nor so much evil as was anticipated. A
voter, we suppose, is to be what the lady advises the poet to show
himself.
" Come, if ysu'll be a good kind soul
That dares tell neither truth nor lies,
I '11 list you in the polling roll
Of those who vote for Noes or Ayes."
Ha! ha! dear Madam. " Quotations quottle deep," eh ? Well, LORD
SALISBURY thought the Bill would diminish the moral influence of
Party, and he was especially afraid of it for Ireland. The CHAN-
CELLOR was for trusting the People. LORD CAIRNS taid that the Bill
would disfranchise half the constituencies, for men would be indif-
ferent about voting if it were a secret act. Their Lordships divided,
and the Second Reading was carried by 86 to 56, majority 30.
That debate was both interesting and important, and Mr. Punch,
with his exquisite sense of the fitness of things, and in his wish to
authority that suggested the poet's line,
A hero perish, or a sparrow fall."
Eh, MR. HENLEY, there 's precedent for you, and you like prece-
dents. Now then, is a sparrow too small a thin? to be cared for by
man ? Respond, Josephus Grumbletonius ! Don't be angry ; we
defy as much as we admire you. You asked whether a boy oujjht to
be punished for going hirds'-nesting. Well, we think he is, for he
usually falls off the tree with a lot of objectionable eggs in his
mouth ; they smash, he tears his trowsers, and he catches it from
his afflicted parient. Boys should be wopped until they learn to be
kind and affectionate, and to hate to inflict pain. Vide SOLOMON,
SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTB, and others.
Thursday. — EARL GnANVTLLE explained that M. DE REMUSAT. the
Foreign Minister of France, had promised, in the most affable
manner, that the French Government would do nothing to induce
French exiles to select Great Britain as their place of abode.
" ' How elegant yeur Frenchmen ? ' Mine, d' ye mean ?
1 have but one, I hope the fellow 's clean." DONNE, vi& POPE.
The Lords passed the Liquor Bill, and LORD KCMBERLEY was
highly complimented on the fair and pleasant manner in which he
had conducted it. His Lordship replied with graceful acknowledg-
ments. " Manners is a fine thing, truly," as Miss observes m
Polite Conversation.
Ma. JUSTICE KEOGH, whose judgment was confirmed by three out
of the four Judges of the Irish Common Pleas, having turned out
CAPTAIN NOLAN from Galway, and seated CAPTAIN THEKCH. there
was an attempt to hinder the execution of this righteous decree.
But the British Parliament would not permit injustice.
The Cord-Communication between Railway Passengers and Guards
was admitted to be, on the whole, a failure, and the Board of Trade
will humbly and respectfully beg the Companies to devise some
better plan. Until they do, Mr. Punch only says to British Juries,
and experiments, so oblige the " men of business." They treat
the Public as a cipher, treat them to an extra cipher in your
verdicts.
More American discussion. We begin to dislike CHBISTOFOKO
JUNE 22, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
255
COLOMO, and it serves him quite right that
\nii i-ica was nut calltd after him, its dis-
e.iverer, but after AM KRIGO VESPUCCI, who
ua^ very clever at seeing a thing when it
had been pointed out to him.
Friday.- lju< stion being asked, in the
Lords, as to the release of the Roman-
Catholic savages whose violence hastened
i be- death of MURPHY, the unsavoury lec-
turer, something was said about Provoca-
tion. Truly the doctrine, that if a person's
words are annoying you may kill that
ii, is finding favour. We see incon-
\riiiriiues in it, however.
Limn I'.ITKUI-IIST made a suggestion
which the kindly-haarted NELLY UWVXNK
illicit have made to ItucKHURST ; namely,
iliat something should be done to prevent
Women und Children from being killed in
tin- performance of acrobatic feats, for the
delectation of cads and the enrichment of
brutes. LORD MoBLEY saw dillieulties, but
said that when the IIoMK SiiciiBTAKY knew
tliat any dangerous feat was to be per-
formed, he always warned the advertisers,
li ({entli-natured people knew of the
cruelties practised in the training of little
acrobats, the disgusting system would— go
on just the same as at present. But the
enmities are shocking, all the same.
A Commons debate on the French Com-
mercKl Tn.-!ii.y. The authors of this were
the KMI-KKOR, MR. COBDEN, and MR. GLAD-
STONK. The latter deplored its denuncia-
tion by France, but deprecated any present
vote on the subject. The days have de-
partsd when CANNING wrote : —
" With Equaladrantage the French are content."
A most cheeky Bill for exempting Bakers
from the Smoke Act, and leaving them free
to empoison the air, was briefly discussed.
MR. BRUCE actually opposed it. Debate
adjourned. Bother the Baker ! PHABAOH
served him excellently right.
CHEMISTRY FOR COUNTRYMEN.
WHAT IS ALWAYS GOING ON.
THE Weather.
The POPE.
The Publicans.
Strikes.
Jobs.
Ireland.
The American Claims.
DR. LIVINGSTONE.
An International Something or other.
Extraordinary decision of one of "the
Great Unpaid."
The Claimant.
An Infallible Specific for rheumatism,
hydrophobia, sea-sickness, toothache, or
neuralgia.
A Great Exhibition.
A Big Subscription.
An Inauguration.
A Millenary, Centenary, Anniversary, or
Jubilee.
A new Daily Paper.
Another English Opera Company.
Reform of the Corporation of London.
Women's Rights.
The Ballot.
The high price of provisions and the ra-
pacity of Butchers.
The ALBERT Memorial.
Adulteration.
Cheese-paring.
Ms. AYKTON.
OUT OF SORTS. — Her numerous friends
and admirers will be glad to hear that
MKS. MALAPKOP is better. She has been
inconvenienced lately by an affection of
the diagram.
WHm
T appears that Brit-
ish Farmers are
very generally sub-
ject to be cheated,
as the saying is,
through the nose,
in an article which
that organ does
not, as it did tie ir
forefathers, suffi-
ciently well enable
them to apprcui.it e.
That article is the
fertilising material
with which it is
necessary to re-
eniit the soil, and
atl.ml the necessary
nutriment to agri-
cultural produce,
roots and cereals, to
be ultimately trans-
muted into bread
and meat. In for-
mer days this ma-
terial, of a limited
description, and derived from natural sources, was one which rogues had no temptation to
adulterate. It was then a thing usually spoken of in the singular number.
In these latter days of science it has come to be a product manufactured by means of
chemistry, and agriculturists now speak of it in the plural, including its varieties employed
in tillage under the names of manures. Of these the principal one is superphosphate of
lime ; the goodness of it depends upon the per-centage of " tribasic phosphate of lime made
soluble by acid," commonly called "soluble phosphate," which it contains, and this per-
centage varies greatly ; the superphosphate of lime sometimes being minus soluble phosphate,
and plus as much as twenty-five per cent, of water. In fact, superphosphate of lime can be
watered as easily as rum ; and with less risk of detection ; for weak rum betrays itself to the
palate, and stomach, and nervous system; whereas the difference between weak and strong
manure is not perceptible by the organ of any sense— at least if that manure is superphos-
phate of lime.
The above-mentioned particulars are stated, in a letter to some agricultural gentlemen, by
MB. WILLIAM LITTLE, of The Hall, flecking ton, Lincolnshire. In another letter, published
in the Chemical A'eios, MB. LITTLE shows that important discrepancy exists between chemists,
even of some repute, in the analysis of superphosphate of lime manure. What, therefore,
he wants the Farmers to do is to co-operate with him in establishing a chemical school, with
a teacher and a laboratory, for the instruction of lads who have left boys' schools, and are
going to be Farmers, in practical chemistry so far as to teach them to analyse manures for
themselves ; this school to be a model for other schools of agricultural chemistry. The school-
ing thus obtained would enable Farmers to protect themselves from 'the imposition practised
upon them by fraudulent artificial manure-manufacturers ; quacks who palm off upon them
for manure quantities of rubbish with hard chemical names. MB. LITTLE says : —
" Recently I went over the works of a large and respectable manufacturer of phosphatic manures, who
was also a maker of sulphate of ammonia. He informed me that he mixed these two ingredients in >uch
proportion that he could well afford to sell it for £6 per ton. The mixture went in immense quantity
to Liverpool, where it was christened under the name of Pbospho-Guano, and wag actually returned,
more than a hundred miles, near to the original works, and told at £12 a ton."
An amount of practical knowledge of chemistry, easily to be acquired at institutions
such as those which Ma. I.rn I.K recommends, would afford farmers some valuable lights upon
things like " Phospho-Guano." Saving, according to his calculations, some £.s 12s. per ton
on manure, they would then have reason to rejoice in having taken his adviee, and made
so much by LITTLE. The reader may possibly, now and then, have happened to hear an
agricultural gentleman, in conversation, denominate fertilising malarial manoeuvre.
" Phospho-Guano " is certainly much more of a manoeuvre than a manure ; and agricultural
gentlemen owe MB. LITTLE thanks for putting them up to that sort of manoeuvres.
A BIT OF A PUZZLE.
A "RESPECTABLE MIDDLE-AGED PERSON WANTED, to assist a Lady in the Management
XX of her Family, where sue will be treated as one. Must be a good Needlewoman, and hare toe first
of references.
BREVITY is the soul of advertising, but conciseness may be cultivated to a fault. Drevis
esse laboro, obscurus fio—aa VELLEICS PATERCULUS observes in that celebrated epistle of his
which, in the clever time coming, every school-girl will know off by heart. In the instance of
misplaced terseness now under notice, the advertiser, anxious to compress the expression of
her wants into three lines, has left us for ever in doubt how she is going to treat her
"respectable middle-aged person" when she has secured her ; for to say she will be treated
" as one," is to use language incomprehensible to average intellects, such as people generally
have who read advertisements. Perhaps the end of the sentence is elliptical, so that after
" as one " we ought to read, " ought to treat a respectable middle-aged person." Possibly a
kind hint may be intended that she will not be treated as a cipher. What other meaning can
the words convey, for it would be exorbitant in any one to expect to be treated as more than
one, say as two or three, and expensive to heads of families? Certainly," respectable middle-
aged persons " are the last persons in the world to look for anything of the sort, for there are
myriads of them who would be perfectly satisfied if they could only be treated as better halves.
256
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1872.
MUSIC AT HOME.
Lady of Discrimination. "TaAKKtov, MB. CHANTICLEER, FOR THAT MOST CHARMING SONG!"
Amateur Barytone (much pleased). " YES — POOTY THING — AETHUR SULLIVAN, YOU KNOW."
Lady of Discrimination. " YES I HAVE YOU EVEB HEARD MB. SANTLEY SING IT?"
Amateur Barytone. "N— No!"
Lady of Discrimination (ineffably). " AH ! ! I " [Amateur Barytone retires, extinguished.
IMPROVING THE INTERNATIONAL.
Row, Cousins, row, but not too fast —
Long, strong, and steady 's the stroke to last !
Columbia's clustered stars wax dim,
As his Paean at Putney JOHN BULL doth hymn !
But 'tis English blood flows in Yankee veins :
One sire is at bottom of both our strains :
To beat such a crew is enough of praise :
To be so beaten no blush need raise.
But ere from the river we homeward turn
We 've our lessons both from the match to learn.
A talantas must form and style o'erhaul,
If to Britishers they 'd not still sing small.
And our crew have proved, beyond a doubt,
That a coxswain is weight to be done without :
That there 's profit in CLASPEK'S sliding shelves ;
That they need no steersman who steer themselves :
But there 's wider lesson for both to note
Than ends, if it starts, in a racing-boat.
You, American Cousins, may learn to-day
There 's a kind of work that makes little way.
Arms may be active, and oars be swayed
With a clock-work swing of back and blade,
But unless each man his weight can pull,
'Tis U P with JONATHAN 'gainst JOHN BULL.
Small good in arms, howe'er fast they go,
Unless there are stalwart legs below :
The show of work is what people see,
But the pith of the pull 's in the point d'appui.
In Boat-race or diplomatic game
The principle is still the same :
'Tis not forcing of pace, nor flow of say,
But what you've to stand on that wins the day.
And you, the crew that the credit sustain
Of that tried old " ship," the Great Britayne,
Mind you don't trust too much in " slide,"
And for want of a coxswain go yawing wide.
The sliding seat was a happy thought ;
But the slide must come when and where it ought :
Move forward when back you weight should throw,
Or back when forward, to grief yon go !
I think in a recent treaty race
Shortcomings in either crew I trace.
My cousins, for all the fuss they made,
A decided want of legs betrayed.
So I found when through their case I 'd gone ;
The deuce a leg had they to stand upon.
And while that 's so, you may sweat yourselves blind,
But, take my word, you '11 be left behind.
And JOHN BULL'S crew, BILL GLADSTONE stroke,
Have shown want, more than once, of the coxswain's yoke :
And their steering, with only the stroke for guide,
Has been, now and then, decidedly wide.
And this new-fashioned " sliding,"— although I 'm told,
It gives longer reach, and better hold, —
Has tended, I fear, but I hope I 'm wrong,
To make course less steady and stroke less strong !
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI JDNB 22, 1872.
THE "MEN OF BUSINESS."
COLUMBIA. "AH, DEAR! IF YOUR MAN OF BUSINESS HAD ONLY BEEN LESS MEALY-MOUTHED "
BRITANNIA. "YES, DEAR! AND IF YOUR MAN OF BUSINESS HAD ONLY BEEN LESS— AHEM !—' SMART i '
WE SHOULD HAVE SETTLED THE MATTER PLEASANTLY ENOUGH ! "
J;.NE 22, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
259
A CELEBRITY AT SOUTHAMPTON.
UTHAMFTOW, a few years ago,
was pronounced by an authority
on me subject of Progress to be
"the most go-ahead Town in
the South of England." It has
always been considered one of
the principal seats of intelli-
gence and morality. There are
many among its inhabitants who
know how to do honour to those
qualities personified. In num-
ber perhaps they considerably
exceed three thousand; but
anyhow the following paragraph
appeared the other morning in
the Post .—
"Tira CLAIMANT TO THE TICK-
BORNE KBTATKB. — About three thou-
sand persons assembled in tbo
Church Congress Hall, Southamp-
ton, last night, to meet the 'Claim-
ant.' MR. AI.DBHMAN TCCKKR pre-
i.ided, and MR. WHALLBY, M.P.,
spoke in defence of the principal
character in the performance."
The Statue of DR. WATTS in
the Southampton Fade, erected
by the Southampton people to
their celebrated fellow-towns-
man, is not only a monument of that Divine and Poet, but also of
their respect and reverence for worth, piety, and learning.
How many of them are now willing to subscribe for the erection
of another memorial in honour of the person referred to in the fore-
going extract ? If not more than three thousand, yet, if no less,
that would be a considerable number. Can they sing ? Then they
might form a- pretty powerful chorus. Suppose they erect that
other statue, say by the side of the first; they could unite, on the
occasion of its "inauguration," in singing one of the celebrated
" Divine and Moral Songs " composed by the prior statue's original ;
that one commencing with the noteworthy lines : —
" 0 'tis a pleasant thing for youth
To walk betimes in wisdom's way—
To fear a lie, to speak the truth,
That we may trust to all they say."
Those three thousand admirers of wisdom and veracity, of whom
Southampton must be proud, of course not only trusted to all that
was said by MR. WHALLEY, who represented wisdom, " in defence of
the principal character in the performance " at which he assisted,
but likewise to all that was said and sworn, by that " character,
the representative of veracity.
THE PRESERVERS OF EPPING FOREST.
THE Corporation of London, the House of Lords, the House of
Commons, the Government, and the Public, are each and all to be
congratulated on the agreeable intelligence announced on Wednes-
day last week in the following newspaper paragraph :—
" EPPINO FOREST BILL. — This Bill, introduced by the Government for
the purpose chiefly of staying the Chancery proceedings of the Corporation of
London in reference to the Commoners' rights upon the Forest, was before the
Select Committee of the House of Lords yesterday morning, and after hearing
counsel on behalf of the Office of Works and on behalf of the Corporation, the
Committee decided that the Bill should be amended so that the Corporation
Chancery proceedings should not be stayed by' the Act. This is a virtual
triumph for the Corporation and the public in this important matter."
Let us congratulate the generous Corporation of London on the
triumph which it has gained over encroaching Lords of the Manor,
and their allies in the Ministry and the lower, every way lower,
House of Parliament. Congratulate we the upper House on having
frustrated the designs of sordid Interests commanding a majority of
votes in the lower. That lower House be congratulated on the
frustration of those designs whose success would have yet deeper
lowered it. May it please the Government to accept our congratu-
lations on having been stopped from incurring additional un-
popularity by forcing through the Legislature a measure inspired
by the mean and grovelling policy of subordinating every other
national consideration whatsoever to the sole object of gain or saving
of which nobody experiences any sensible benefit. Let us, lastly,
congratulate the Public on the sustained prospect of the preserva-
tion of the remainder of Epping Forest and on the happiness of
having a Corporation of London and a House of Lords. Hooray !
AGE NO OBJECTION.
Ow Tuesday last week, at the Central Crimimal Court, HKNKY
SKYMOUH, a white-haired old rogue of seventy-five, was mmoted
of bigamy, and sentenced to seven years' penal servitude. H« h,i-l
married, first in 1861, and secondly, his wife still living, in lsi><), at
a time when he was two years past seventy. His victim was a
respectable " young woman of prepossessing appearance." \Vliy
should any man, at any time of life, inclined to matrimony, HB
deterred from attempting it by the apprehension of being in the
caw expressed by DKYDKN F —
" Old at I am, for ladies' Ion unfit — "
There is, evidently, no age at which he who wants a wife need
despair of one, however close his foot may be to the grave's brink.
There is a chance for him, let him ba as old as Old PAJUU While
there is life, there is hope for the aged noodle.
COURTS CLERICAL AND COURTS MARTIAL.
How hard is calling o'er the coals
A Pareen charged with cure of souls,
Although for heresy outright
To curing souls ck-emed opposite.
Ecclesiastic law's delay
How lonsj! What sums, meanwhile, to pay !
E'en if your charge is proved at last
How futile is the sentence passed !
But when the Captain of a ship,
Though in mere judgment, makes a slip
His ship which doth in peril place,
0 then how1 different is the case !
How soen is e>Conrt-Martial called I
How quickly he is overhauled !
And reprimanded, or cashiered,
Erroneously for having steered.
So much more serious, to be sure,
Of ships, than souls, is held the care,
And snips aground on rocks or shoals
Of moment more than stranded souls.
CURATES' AUGMENTATION.
THE adjourned general meeting of the friends and supporters of
the Curates' Augmentation Fond was held yesterday at the offices
of that institution in Henrietta Street, Covent Garden, under the
presidency of the EARL OF HARROWBT, to consider a resolution
limiting the qualification of Curates for being augmented to Curates
whose annual incomes from all sources do not exceed £300 a year.
This seems a very fair proposal ; for with £300 a year a Curate has
surely no need to be slender. Yet we do see Curates going about in
M.B. waistcoats much too strait for sane Churchmen. They are
evidently in great want of augmentation, but therein those herring-
waisted Clergymen should minister to themselves. Let them leave
off apish asceticism, eat and drink as much as they ought to, and,
thence deriving a reasonable augmentation, show forth the fruits of
good living.
Invincible Imbecility.
PERHAPS the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council judged
rightly in declining to condemn the REV. MR, BENNETT for the use
of language which could not be said to contradict any one of the
Thirty-nine Articles, simply because it was unintelligible. It is.
however, to be wished that the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY and
his colleagues had shown the Romanesque Ritualists that they would
stand no nonsense.
Paeans of Sham Priests.
" A TErcMPH," the Ritualists shouting are heard,
" The late Privy Council's decision has been."
It leaves them free, truly, to say what 's absurd,
But doesn't allow them to say what they mean.
Seasonable literature.
WE notice a new book, called In Quest of Cooliet. Some days
that have come in (will the series last?) suggest that a pleasant
little sequel might be published, for the use of thirsty people,
under the attractive name In Quest of Coolers.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 22, 1872.
AN EYE TO BUSINESS.
Militia. Quard ("turning out," and in Chorus). "PLEASE, SIB, K'MEMB'E THE GUARD, SIK ! ! ! "
[Exeunt Queen's Officers in speechless horror, more convinced than ever that " the Service is going to the " <kc.
PROGRAMMES OF ROYAL SOCIETIES.
(Special of course.)
THE following papers to be read (besides Punch, the Times, Tele-
graph, &c.) :—
DR. TIPPLER. " On the Use and Effect of Alcohol." With
experiments. (This paper will he commenced at eight, and its ter-
mination must necessarily he uncertain.)
DR. SMTJGGINS, F.S.S. On the employment of the Star (a) in
billiards, (6) in theatrical engagements.
WIOLETHOEPE, F.S.A., &c. On Relations generally. Their
use and abuse.
DR. TERFTTTE. Report of further mathematical inquiry into the
state of the Odds in connection with Individual Happiness.
DR. SQUIB. (1) On Mathematical Illustrations. Examples : Two
Ugly Persons waltzing illustrative of Two Revolving Planes.
2. On Real Metropolitan Property, illustrative of the Surfaces
Divisible into Squares by their Curves of Curvature ; the
latter part showing the reason why in London a Square is
invariably a Circle.
3. On Keys to the Squares, and under what conditions Dogs are
admitted.
The Royal Society of Antiquaries will read the following papers :—
1. On Ancient Runaway Rings. Showing who gave them, who
answered them. These will (if time allows) be an interesting
appendix on Gretna Green.
2. On Ancient Boots. Explanation of the phrase "Like Old
Boots," by PROFESSOR HEELY.
That is all at present.
Variation on Rochefoucauld.
THESE is something singularly delightful to us in the growing
infirmities of our oldest friends, notwithstanding that their age may
be the same as our own.
THE TESTIMONIAL NUISANCE.
Is it now so rare a thing for men to do their duty, that when we
find one doing it we ought to meet together and get up a testimonial '(
Ninety-nine in every hundred of the thousands which are given are
awarded, if we think of it, for no more special cause. Only do
your duty and you will be presented with a something or another
to record your having done it, and your friends will club together
and trumpet forth your praise.
Yet, though testimonials are as plentiful as cabbages, there are
people living who would not die happy without having one. Such
folks find it easy to accomplish their desire. There are always
busybodies ready to lend a hand in such a matter. Let a beadle
but express a wish to have a testimonial, and a few officious friends
will take the hint at once, and will not rest till they have got
enough to buy him a cane or a cocked hat, which they will formally
present in the name of all the neighbourhood, to acknowledge his
vast virtues, as displayed in his high calling, and his efforts to
extend the spread of Christian civilisation by whopping little
urchins when ne chances to lay hold of them. If a chimney-sweep
or a costermonger set his heart on haying his social merits recognised,
he need but whisper his desire to his most confidential chum, and
round will go the hat to carry out his withes. As for steamboat
testimonials, one can hardly make a voyage from London Bridge to
Greenwich without being asked to sign a Passengers' certificate,
attesting the rare skill of the gallant CAPTAIN SCUTTLE, in guiding
his brave bark through the perils of the Pool, and bringing ship
and crew and cargo in safety to the landing-steps.
Now, without too much insisting that merit, like as virtue, need
he deemed its own reward, and therefore that no pains need be
taken to acknowledge it, one may surely be excused: for thinking
that the man of true desert will feel his best reward in the respect
of his fellow-creatures, and, as he cannot well help being conscious
of his worth, it simply is an insult for men to " Testimonial " it.
A FASHIONABLE LADY'S FULL DRESS. — Much the reverse.
JUNE 22, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
261
suppose, instead of a house decorated by MB. OWEN JONES, and a set
of aluminium plate, miliumnaires were to spend their money in
founding schools and scholarships, fur instance, and in educating
their poor relations' children, and sending them to the Universities ;
even suppose they expended it in almshouses. a»d Peabodying the
destitute, the mechanical working-clauses would have far less cause
to be satisfied with them than they are now. It may be that there
is a wiser and a better use for riches than lavish expenditure on the
productions of market-gardening and decorative art ; but the con-
sumption, at any rate, benefits producers, and enables employers in
those lines of business to pay the artisans and labourers the higher
wages. So the working-classes, at least, need not grumble.
CHARMING SUGGESTION.
" Sic, I THINK, COMING FROM ' HUNGARY.' "—Love's Labour 's Lost.
EXTRAVAGANCE WITH UTILITY.
MRS. GRANNAK is dreadfully shocked by some accounts of the
extravagance of the richer classes contained in the letter of the
London Correspondent of the provincial newspaper which she takes
in. For example : —
"Never waa the business of the horticulturist so flourishing as it is now.
The demand for flowers is extraordinary, and the prices given for them
amazing. Belgravian dinner-tabli^ are now regular bowers of flower and
fern. At a recent dinner in Harley Street (by no means one of the most
fashionable streets in London), the flowers and dessert cost £200, the peaches
alone being twelve guineas a dozen. At another entertainment in Hyde Park
Square, not only were the reception-room*, but the staircase also was a bank
of flowers and shrubs. Never was there so much display of luxury."
" Dreadful, shocking, sinful, I call it," exclaims Mas. GRANNAM ;
and she reads on : —
"House decoration now has become a work of high art. MR. THOMAS
BRASSEY, M.P., who lately came into a large fortune by the death of his
father, has recently taken, decorated, and furnished No. 20, Park Lane, and a
description of it would occupy far more space than I have room for. Among
the novelties which the house contains, is a set of dining-tables so constructed
that the same circular table can be arranged in three different diameters,
according to the number of the party to be entertained."
" And sumptuously no doubt but what such people fare every
day. Where do they expect to go to ? Only to think ! " Throwing
up her eyes, MBS. GKANNAM continues : —
" The house of Mu. ALFRKD MORRISON (brother of the Member for Ply-
mouth), in Carlton House Terrace, next door to the .EARL OF LONSDALX'S,
has been decorated throughout by OWEN JONES, and among other notabilia of
the establishment is a set of plate in aluminium gilt."
" Ah, there," observes the good woman, " I don't wonder at the
workpeople being discontented, and striking for more wages when
they read of the luxuries and display that rich people above them
throw away their money in." rhit there she is wrong. Suppose,
instead of flowers and dessert at £200. including peaches at a guinea
apiece (which, as MBS. GBANNAM truly remarks, is eating money) ;
ANGELA DEBITUM ;
OE, A BIRD-DEBT TO BUKDETT.
Otra ANGELA writes to the papers
On bthalf of her small feathered friends,
Whose song helps to drive away vapours,
Where with blue sky the London-smoke blends.
As with all that is weak and ill-treated,
With the birds she is quick to condole :
The iron so cruelly heated
To blind them has entered her soul.
She mourns o'er their nests rudely harried
By the school-boy's irreverent hand ;
OVr their young, into slavery carried
By the bird-catcher's buccaneer band.
From the gutter-bred Sparrows— poor slaveys,
Only good to be shot out of traps,
To the Larks, doomed to roast in their gravies,
With slices of bacon for wraps ;
From the Quaker-like, brown-coated Linnet,
And the Goldfinch in scarlet and gold,
And die Wren with a song like a spinnet
From his willowy orchestra trolled ;
The Chiff-chaff that chirps like a sawyer,
Yellow-hammer of note short and sweet,
And Starling, that Oxford-grey lawyer,
Who says all he 's taught to repeat ;
Up to you, our plumed carillon-ringers,
Tenori, snprani, home-bred,
Thrush and Black-bird, and, singer of singers,
The Nightingale's self at your nead —
Gather all into Holly Lodge thickets,
Get your choicest of notes under weigh,
By a concert, with no charge for tickets,
Loving ANGELA'S love to repay.
And while you sing softly and sweetly,
From under the dense London cloud
That beyond these fair lawns, kept so neatly,
Mile on mile of black houses doth shroud,
A deep under-bass will g« swelling,
In tune with your notes bright and clear—
Their voice, to thi dark of whose dwelling
The light of her love has brought cheer.
The voice of hearts witnessing ever
To her, whose own witness is dumb,
That her labour of love ceaseth never,
For dwellers in alley and slum :
For roughs, by our Levites unshriven,
Gutter-babes starved in body and mind,
Market-beasts, fretted, fevered, o'erdriven,
Or song-birds trapped, caged, and made blind !
Sagacity of the Horse P
AN application came the other day before the Court of Queen's
Bench relative to a trial at the Kent Assizes of an action for damages
sustained by the loss of two colts poisoned by the cuttings of a yew-
tree belonging to the defendant, and accidentally thrown within
their reach. The report whence the foregoing information is derived
does not state what kind of colts they were. One would think that
a colt capable of making such a mistake as they made could only bu
a colt the foal of an ass.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE CONSCIENCE CLAUSE.
Working-lfan. " AIN'T YOU GOING TO SEND THAT BOY OP YOURS TO SCHOOL, BILL?"
Mil. "0, WILL I ? HE WENT ONB DAY, AND WHEN HB CAME HOME HB TOLD ME IT WAS REPR'ENg'lJLB TO GET DRUNK ! THINK
1 LL HAVE FHBNTAL FBELIN'S OUTRAGED, AN' ALL THB SWEET AN' 'OLY UNION OF 'OME 'FF.ECTION BROKEN UP BY SWELLS TEACHIN'
OF HIM ? COMB AN' STAN' A PINT I ! "
GREAT REJOICINGS.
PHEPAHATIONS are being rapidly pushed on for celebrating, at
proper time, with banquets, speeches, odes, fireworks, Volunteers,
the
newspaper articles, special trains, processions, school children,
Mayors and Corporations, and, it is hoped, Royal personages, the
following interesting and important historical Jubilees, Anniver-
saries, Centenaries, and Millenaries : —
Foundation of the Saxon Heptarchy.
Completion of King Arthur's Round Table. (Special Ode for the
occasion by the Poet Laureate.)
Landing of WILLIAM THB CONQUEHOB. (Great gathering of the
descendants of all the people who came over with him.)
Birthday of HENGIST and HOBSA.
First introduction of Tobacco into England.
Destruction of the Spanish Armada.
Defeat of the Danes.
Overthrow of the Picts and Scots.
QUEEN BOADIOSA'S Wedding-Day.
La Premiere Feuille.
Now that tunefullest, if tiniest, of singing birds'— winning little
MADAME CHAUMONT'S, "first leaf" has been so welcomed, Punch
hopes she will soon turn over a second, and give him an opportunity
of telling her, in another engagement, how entirely he is the slave
of her captivating ways, and the victim of her shrill small voice !
li it were only sweeter, and she were only bigger, we should be for
rechristening her MADAME CHAUMONTELLE, after the moat luscious
and largest of all beurrtes. But her voice isn't sweet, and her
person is small, so the name of the pear won't fit the performer !
The more s the pity. For we could do with more quality in the
voice, and more quantity in the lady.
DRUM MAJOR AND DRUM MAXIMUS.
" The ' big drum ' to be used at the Jubilee Festival in Boston has just been
completed at Framington, Maine. The shell is of bird's-eye maple, its dia-
meter is 12 feet, height G feet. As no railroad car will hold it, it will be taken
by team to Hallowell, and thence by steamer to Boston." — American Paper.
DESSAY you think this drum is considerable some ?
And if tried 'gainst Europian drum-majors 'twould funk 'em ;
But we don't call that any kind of a drum —
No, Sir,— sure 's my name is ULYSSES M. BUNKUM.
Guess a deal bigger drum we had got into frame ;
In its hollowness, size, and strained parchment we trusted ;
And Indirect Claim was that bigger drum's name —
But BANCROFT and FISH worked it so hard, it BUSTED !
Natal News.
SIB, — It is a long time since we have heard anything of DK. Co-
LENSO. As an Orthodoxite, therefore, I was delighted at seeing an
advertisement in the Times, headed, " Conversion of the Public
Debts of Natal." This is indeed good news, and shows the Bishop's
(for it must be his work) sense. Touch the pocket and you touch
the heart ; also rice versa by reflex action. Convert the Debts and
you convert the Debtors.
I am, Sir, yours,
OETHODOXJOSIA.
Advice to Old Misers.
" Do you wish," said MR. HUJJKES, " that your loss should be
sincerely mourned by your surviving relations? Then leave all
your property, Sir, to somebody else."
Printed by Jofeph 8...
Street, in the P
Smith, of No. 34. Holford Square, in the Parish of St. Jamfs.Clerkenwell, in the County of Middles?*, at the Printing "fflccs of Messrs. Bradbury, Evanp, A Co., Lombard
e Precinct of Wtutefnars, in tbc City of London, and Published by him at No. &5, Fleet Street, In the Parish of at. Bride, City of Lundon.— SATURDAY, June 22, 1872.
JUNE 29, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
263
•AH!
RECOLLECTION OF EARLY JUNE.
(Think of this when you are growling at the heat.)
VBRY GOOD JDKA I BETTER THAN BIDINO. CHAIR, AND HOT WATKK TIN FOE Totra Fa«T 1 "
WHAT HAPPENED ON THE 21si.
THAT terribly long bill of TAXALL AND TBAPLEIOH'S was delivered
to CBOOMBY— defendant in the suit of Kidderforth v. Croomby.
AUNT ELIZA came to spend her long-promised long day with
EDWAHD and his Wife. AUNT ELIZA is very deaf and very inquisi-
tive; and MBS. EDWARD BANNATYNK found the day rather long.
EDWAKD was unusually late in returning from business that
evening, only arriving in time to see his Aunt, who was afraid of
staying too long because of the dew, to the omnibus.
MAJOB BOEEQHAVE dined out, and repeated his celebrated South
American story. The Major was more long-winded than ever.
MBS. CARINGTON COWDHAY chaperoned her nieces to LADT FISKER-
TON'S ball, and found the night very long, especially as EDITH
would dance so much with ARTHUR YUNGBBSON.
MR. DRAWLINQS imposed one of his long speeches on the House of
Commons.
JACK DODDINGTON made a long arm at MRS. WESTBOBOUOH
BEAUMONT'S pic-nic, to reach ELBANOE DARLINGTON the salad
dressing.
GUSHBBOOKE'S long engagement to EMILY CHEHRINSWOBTH was
brought to its natural termination by the Venerable the ARCH-
DEACON OF CAMBEBWELL, assisted by the bride's grandfather and
uncle, and the bridegroom's brother-in-law.
In the long-talked-of match between Helsingham and Anderby,
BEOXBOUBNE^S batting was more splendid than ever. BLEWKEK,
the long stop, found I riday about the longest day he ever passed.
Long odds were laid against Taradiddle for the Northumbrian Cup.
BESSIE CALLENUY wrote one of those long, very long, but not at
all too long (for the favoured recipient) letters out to India.
HENBY, who is staying at the Rectory, was taken by LUCY in the
pony carriage to see some of the objects of interest in the neighbour-
hood. HENBY and LUCY, who are just engaged, did not find the
day a bit too long.
The British Public was, as it always is, long suffering.
People arrived at LONG'S; took long walks, and long pulls at
tankards, and long credit ; drew long breaths and long cases ; paid
off long scores, and owed long grudges ; were long-sighted and long-
headed; made long excuses, composed long sermons, took long
naps, read long articles, received back long-lost relatives, and were
a long time coming and going.
BALLOT BILL AND HIS BAITERS.
BOOHOO ! See what they 've been and done,
Them there, them Lords, a maulin' one.
They 've tore my coat, and slit it, crack !
Right slap in two all down the back.
Oat of my trousers where I sit.
They 've also snatched a woppin' bit ;
They 've knocked my 'at in too, and they
Has cotched my cumf urter away.
Oh! Ah! Yes! Why? 'Cause they suppose
I "m flummoxed now they 've spiled my clothes,
But I shall go and tell my friends,
On witch for substance I depends.
They '11 do my things up good as new,
And send me back, my Lords, to you ;
And we shall see if you '11 have then,
The cheek to serve me so again.
Sacrifice of a Sacred Edifice.
IT has been announced, and not contradicted, that the Church of
St. Clement Danes in the Strand is positively about to be removed
from before the site of Pandemonium that is to be, more commonly
called the New Courts of Law, and sometimes (ironically) Palace of
Justice. This is truly an awful sacrifice of a church. Is it possible
that the Government is thus about to give place to the Generalissimo
of the Inns of Court Volunteers ?
VOL. LXII.
264
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, June 17. — Mr. Punch, for the first
time in his Essentially- Parliamentary life,
f eeh discouraged.
" Fear not, 'tis but a passing spasm,
The Titan is urn-anguished still."
But ME. GLADSTONE, on the Friday night
of this week, the night of the Longest Day, when he had the
amplest time for consideration over his words, said something
which has dashed Mr. Punch " a jot." The PBEMIEB, in reference
to something that had been said by ME. VEBNON HABCOUBT about
ME. LOWE'S haying treated a topic with wit rather than gravity,
observed : —
"I was glad to see the objection, that there was something of humour and
wit introduced into the discussion, met by a lively protest from various parts
of the House. We are not, I think, in much danger of losing the balance of
the mind and judgment of the House through the enormous and intolerable
redundancy of those qualities. On the contrary, it is supposed by some that
the Goddess of Dulness, with leaden wings, is more apt to brood over our
deliberations."
This was very cruel. Has not Mr. Punch been labouring for
years to make the Universe believe that the proceedings in Parlia-
ment are of the most amusing kind? Has he not decked the
Senators in borrowed plumes ? Has he not gilded their unrefined
brass ? And now his WILLIAM comes down with such a crusher as
this! 'I Blow, blow, thou bitter wind." The public will excuse
their friend Mr. Punch if, in the circumstances, he yields to a
legitimate feeling of depression, and makes short work of the
Parliamentary history of this week.
" They are the silent griefs that cut the heart-strings."— Ford.
It is perhaps fair to say that another circumstance would account
for our brevity, even had MB. GLADSTONE'S unkindness not been
perpetrated. There has been nothing worth setting down, except
as follows. On the Monday night the Ballot Bill went into Com-
mittee in the House of Lords. That assembly had read the measure
a becond Time, but had reserved itself for later operations. Without
boring an affectionate and confiding public with detail, it may be
said that to-night the Opposition Peers turned Secret Voting into a
mm. iney inserted an "optional" clause. You may inscribe
your name publicly or privately, on the ballot paper, as you like,
s to say that everybody who is not afraid of the face of his
iellow man can vote openly, and prove how he has voted. This is
perfectly right, English, and just, but business is business. The
Commons have decided that those who are very much afraid of the
races of their fellow men shall be protected, at the expense of the
hers, Right or wrong, this is agreed to. and therefore the making
publicity optional is playing with legislation.
There is another objection. "We propose to do away with bribery
• iSnf l\ JmP°sslble for the briber to know whether the bargain
is fulfilled. The public vote is a receipt for the money. Mr. Punch
has too much respect for the talents of election agents to believe
lat tne secret or any other device will really be too much for them
in the end, but any attempt in a right direction is commendable,
and the Lords are not to be commended for what they did on
Monday.
Therefore the ugly Ballot-Boy, despoiled of his garment of secresy,
his Coat of Darkness, will depart in tears from the presence of the
spoilers, and betake himself to his big Forster-Brother for comfort
and protection. We shall have a pleasant row immediately, as the
Government cannot accept the lordly mutilations. The chief of these
was carried by 83 to 67.
Tuesday.— LOED ABINGEE carried a Motion for an inquiry on
behalf of purchase- officers, who complain that educated officers are
to have an advantage over them. It is very shocking, but the DUKE
OF CAMBRIDGE thinks things must take their course.
A Birmingham Sewage Bill was rejected, SIB ROBEET PEEL,
near whose residence an awful sanatory nuisance was to be lodged,
having exerted himself most energetically and successfully to
abate it.
Wednesday. — There is now no imprisonment for debt, in the case
of swells. But are folks aware that against members of the artisan
class, 131,000 orders for committal to prison were issued last year.
MB. BASS would deprive the County Courts of their power of send-
ing men to gaol. On the other hand it is certain that there are
times when the "Working-man must have credit, or go to the Union,
or starve, and he could not get credit unless the tradesman had the
power of locking him up in case of non-payment. As the brutal
Scotch rhyme goes —
" If he havena gear to fine
He has shins to pine."
On the whole the House thought, by 13G to 31, that the present
system should be preserved, so, as above depicted, ME. BASS came
a cropper. He is an able and excellent Member of Parliament, and
may be allowed an occasional mistake.
Thiirsday.—M.n. DISBAELI declined to embarrass the Government
by bringing on any Motion on the American business until the House
should be officially informed that the Arbitration was at an end, a
result to which he looked at an early date. When he reads Mr.
Punch's Preface to this Volume, he will see how admirably every-
;hing has been brought to a satisfactory conclusion.
Friday.— The Lords made a few more alterations in the Ballot
Bill, one of them decidedly in the interest of the artisan, as he is
snabled to vote at a later hour than had been originally ordained.
LOED SnAiTESBUEY wanted to shut all public-houses after XII. on
soiling day, but this was rejected. Why Mr. Punch should be
leprived of his pint of ale because his neighbour MB. JONES is gone
X) vote for ME. BBOWN, the first gentleman knows not.
In a discussion on Law Kef orm, ME. GLADSTONE made the observa-
;ion above cited.
Jubes renovare dolorem.
Mr. Punch is unequal to further remark, and he tearfully bids the
public farewell, until Next Volume.
CASTRO'S FRIENDS.
A COMPANY calling itself the " Astra Dramatic Club" advertised
i performance in aid of what they are pleased to term the " Tich-
>orne Defence Fund, " under the distinguished patronage of an
'M.P." and an " M.D.," and we sincerely trust that the Hall,
where they performed, was " M.T." Should, however, their success
encourage another attempt in this cause, a charming programme
might be selected out of the following pieces :—
The Ticket-of- Leave Man and The Beggar's Opera.
The Liar and An Appeal to the Public.
Fraud and Its Victims.
London Assurance.
Humbug.
And after any one, or two, of these pieces, the whole to con-
ilude with the old Lyceum Drama of
A Day of Reckoning,
A Defeated Attempt.
BBOMWICHAM, Bromwicham, for shame !
Send tributaries to the Thame ?
Small difference then, and but in names,
"Would there exist 'twixt Thame and Thames.
Spreading.
THIS morning at a quarter past twp, MB. FBEDEEICK LABKEE,
Junior, on arriving at the family residence, found that the long
threatened " lock-out " had taken place.
JUNE 29, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2C5
MR. PUNCH'S DESIGNS AFTER NATURE.
A DRESS OP "THK FUCHSIA."
PROTECTION FROM PLUCKING.
THE reader may have happened to hear one or more if not many
of his young friends who have been unsuccessful candidates for
examinations (other than University and scientific-medical) com-
plain that they were unfairly plucked by examiners under the
influence of temper, or partiality, or ignorant misapprehension of
the subject of their own questions, they having themselves got it
up. without intelligent study, by mere rote, and means of cram.
Allegations such as these must be taken with some grains of chloride
of sodium or other salt, and the charitable optimist may think that
the following story, though related by the London Correspondent of
the Hampshire Independent, wants confirmation, and may hope
that it will not get any when investigated, as its narrator (from
hearsay) may possibly have been misinformed : —
" Some little while ago certain candidates went up to be examined in law,
where, I must be excused from mentioning. They were Indians, and were
supposed to be profoundly versed in jurisprudence, especially Indian law.
One of them, indeed, was called the Walking Dictionary, so thorough and
universal was his knowledge. To the immense surprise of every one, these
gentlemen, although they did splendidly in every other branch, were plucked
in the very one wherein they were known to be best acquainted. The com-
panions in this common misfortune therefore conferred together, and soon
came to the conclusion that their examiner was grossly ignorant of his subject.
They then drew up a report exposing his blunders. Inquiry followed, and it
was discovered that the above conclusion was well founded, and that the
examiner, having been angered because one of the other examiners had
pointed out that he had blundered, plucked the whole lot of them out of
pique. The end of the story i« that the Walking Dictionary and his friends
soon after passed with flying colours.*'
That ought by no means, however, to be the end of the story, if
that story is true. Some one Examining Body (whichsoever it is)
ought by this time to have been improved by the expulsion of a
^Member unfit to be associated with educated gentlemen or honest
men. Whether it is a true story or not, all ground for doubt as to
the truth of any such story for the future needs to be precluded.
There ore examinations in which the Candidate, and his prospects in
life, lie at the mercy of one irresponsible, and perhaps capricious,
corrupt, or malignant man. On the other hand, a fair and compe-
tent Examiner is open to be belied by an angry dunce. Neither of
these things woulq happen if answers to examination papers, or
questions, all in writing, or at least if disputed written down, were
appointed to be preserved for reference in case of appeal by a Can-
didate alleging himself to have been wrongfully rejected. Perhaps
they manage these things better in China, wnence, possibly, we
have borrowed the examination system which has therein developed
so many original and thinking minds. As a Chinese authority
might say, therefor* — Heaped this.
THE LAY OF LEICESTER SQUARE.
WHERE PRINCE FEED 'gainst BUBB DODDINGTON once held the
stakes,
And lipTK planned advancement from Leicester House closet, —
Where of live cats by night the witch-Sabbath now wakes,
Round the dead ones, whose bones are my daily deposit, —
Mangy grass, stunted bushes, with soot-flakes at strife,
Hound the trunk of my periwigged monarch laid low
'Neath the wreck of his charger, seem emblems of life
Which death, with all vantage, yet cannot o'erthrow :
In dirt and neglect Soho's slums I outvie ;
Than my seediest foreigner seedier am I.
What means the thin shriek through yon ruins that rang ?
See, Miss LINWOOD'S pale ghost from the scathed carcase glides
Where her moth-eaten needlework once used to hang,
Where in mildew till now her vexed shadow abides :
E'en SIR JOSHUA'S calm spirit, that here wont to wake
Life on canvas, beneath the tail elms to my west,
Albeit long-suff'ring, his leave "s fain to take
Of the stones he paced of t'nest, the home he loved best ;
For things have now come to that pass — the ghosts swear —
Well-bred spectres no longer can haunt Leicester Square.
But defying small wit, street-reformer, and ghost,
Maugre Hooo and his Board, with its works and its words,
Thanks to ACTON SMEE AYRTON — who, true to his post,
At architects sneers and at questioners girds —
I, Leicester Square Garden, so called from the days
When my beds were made, shrubs pruned, and grass duly mown,
In my dirt and disorder maintain the old ways —
While my legless lead King, from his war-horse o'erthrown,
Proclaims in his downfall that highest of laws,
" Vested Eights are still rights, whate'er nuisance they cause ! "
Tes ; thy rev'rence, 0 London, I claim, not thy scorn,
For this_ standing record, set full in thy sight,
How a nuisance perforce must be patiently borne,
If once in that nuisance is vested a right.
Let Acts, Boards, and Courts do their best and their worst,
Vested Eight, the old Giant, o'er all will prevail ;
Made law at, made jokes at, conspired against, curst,
In my stump of a statue and nettle-grown rail,
A symbol 1 stand, of all iilthiness full.
Of the thing— so says BUMBLE— most dear to JOHJT BULL.
What was an improvement has nuisance become :
What gave joy to men's sight is an eye-sore to all :
The square of fair houses has sunk to a slum ;
What was palace is ruin that nods to its fall :
Yet, sunken and squalid, obstructive, condemned,
Vested Eight from me still keeps Improvement at bay,
And Bumbledom sees in my statue contemned
The Palladium whose presence secures him the sway :
While that effigy, e'en maimed and fallen, we see,
By the weight of its lead, BUMBLE Beadle shall be !
PULPIT. EXTOETION.
USDEK the signature of " Fleeced," in the Times, an executor
writes to say that whereas, for winding up an estate of close upon
£70,000, his solicitor's charges are considerably under £500, out of
which the solicitor has had several payments to make, his auc-
tioneers' charges, in relation to a property of about £46.000. with
which they have had to deal, are close upon £1,400. No doubt,
when " Fleeced" set his eye on this sum total at the foot of the
auctioneers' bill, you might have knocked him down with a ^feather,
if they had not already with something much heavier. From the
statement of "Fleeced," it is obviously ruinous work to g«t an
estate under the Hammer of the Auctioneer. That implement is a
Thor's Hammer to all beneath it. The case of property so con-
ditioned is safe to be one of "going, going— gone ! "
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1872.
"MEN (AND WOMEN) SHOULD 'NOT» BE WHAT THEY SEEM."
SOME PEOPLE HAVE A WAT ov APPEARING AS IF THEY WERE CARRYING ON A DESPERATE FLIRTATION, WHEN THE? ARE IN REALITY
DOING NOTHING OF THB KIND. FOR INSTANCE : —
What they Seem to Say.
" IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE, Miss PERKINS "
"An I WOULD THAT I HAD KNOWN OF THIS
Mr. Jenkins.
Atiss Perkins.
BEFORE I "
* «
Mr. Tomkins.
Miss Will-its.
" FLY, 0 FLY WITH ME, Miss WILKINS ! "
" SPARK ME, 0 SPARE MF, MB. TOMKISS!"
What they are really Saying.
Mr. Jenkins. " SOME PEOPLE CAN'T BEAR A CAT IN THE KOOM.
Mr GRANDMOTHER COULDN'T."
Miss Perkins. "WELL, MY Aimr DOROTHY WOULD TURN FAINT
AT THE SIGHT OF STRAWBERRIES!"
*********
Mr. Tomkins. " YOU'D HARDLY THINK IT, BUT FROM MOSES AND
SON'S TO THE MARBLE ARCH is EXACTLY ONE MILE, Misa WILKINS."
Miss Wilkins. " No I EEALLY ? "
" STRIKE, BUT HEAR ! "
STRANGE idlers at corners of streets I see,
With hands in pockets that busy should be,
For we're all striking, strike, strike, striking,
, We 're all striking, abroad and at home !
Labour and Capital friends P Not they 1
Labour and Capital are foes in fray.
So we 're all striking, &c.
Says Capital to Labour, " Why should we fight ?
Couldn't arbitration make all right ?
Instead of striking," &c.
Says Labour to Capital, " Done with you !—
It the arbitrators take my view,
It's better than striking," &c.
"But arbitrators' award shall be nil,
If they don't take my view, as I hope they will,
And we '11 fall back on striking," &c.
Now strikes are to trades what wars are to States :
Ihey eat up money and heighten rates,
Till all curse your striking, &c.
For those who fight when they might agree,
Un their heads let what comes of fighting be
And ao of striking, &c.
Short hours are good, so are wages high :
But the price of work must be raised thereby,
To pay for striking, &c.
And " higher prices " mean more to spend,
But less to get for it, from end to end,
For all the striking, &c.
Now if Working-men the producing do,
They accomplish a deal of consuming, too,
At work or striking, &c.
And the question is at what level ride
The current of price and the wages-tide,
By dint of this striking, &o.
So long as the wage-tides higher go
Than the tides of price, they may safely flow,
By dint of striking, &c.
But a time will come, and comes ever nigher,
When price-tides stand than wage-tides higher,
By dint of striking, &c.
Then, nine hours, and ninepence an hour therefore,
May mean less to eat, instead of more,
Thanks to all this striking, &c.
So, Working-men, you should look a-head,
Lest in raising wages you send up bread
By this dodge of striking, &c.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JUSE 29, 1872.
. .
COME TO GRIEF."
"BOO-HOO! THEY'VE BEEN AN' TORE MY NEW DRESS ALL TO RIBBINS, AND I'LL JUST GO AND TELL
MY BIO FO(R)STER-BROTHER ! "
JUNB 23, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
269
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
KY Happy Thottght.—
Begin again.
By the sea -side at
Little Shrimpton comes
this Happy Thought to
me. I refer back to the
last note made in my
diary five years ago.
I note, also, that the
First Volume of Typii-nl
Jlci-i'Iiimncnts ha_s nearly
rt-achea completion : all
but putting it together,
and writing the last hun-
drod-and-fifty pages, it
is comparatively finished.
Happy Thought. —
Finish it positively.
Porooon AND GHOOLLY,
my publishers, are think-
ing about it. It will
certainly be (I think) a
grand philosophic and
generally comprehensive
work. They want to
know, by way of coming
practically to business,
* What it will make ? "
Hnppy Thought. — To
reply, genially, *' A Hit."
They mean, however,
"How many pages will
it make?" The ques-
tion with me is, "How
many pages do they want it to make?" Subject postponed until
I've found this out. I decline to hurry it. They agree' with me.
Because a work like this requires application, concentration,
and sustentation. Again they agree with me. In the mean-
time they have, they say— at least, their Managing Director says—
that they have by them some novel illustrations for a Christmas
hook about Cinderella, and if I 'd like to undertake writing up to
these, why, Typical Developments, Vol. I., might easily wait.
Think it over at sea-side. Little Shrimpton with my other Aunt
and a couple of Uncles.
******
[Why the Cottage in the Country was given up nearly three years
ago, why I am in charge of my other Aunt (bless her !), why I am
but for her and my two Uncles alone, and how it comes about that I
am really beginning again, has nothing to do with Happy Thoughts
either past or present. If this is enigmatic, so it must remain.
Passons.l
******
Complication in Family Matters. — Basking in the rays of a warm
sun on a pebbly beach, under a clear blue sky, and fanned by a
gentle breeze, which is neither east nor north— and that 's all that I
negatively know about it — I lie, considering present circumstances.
I am here, supposed to he, what my friend ENQLEMORE calls
" picking myself up," and " pulling myself together."
Happy Thought. — Like a puzzle. Mem. — Note this for Typical
Developments, Vol. I. (or somewhere, if not room for it here on
account of POPQOOD AND GROOLLT wanting it to make so many or so
few pages), under heading, "P. for Puzzle; Man," &o., &o. There's
a fine thought in this, rather hidden, but to be worked out. Do it
later.
The process of pulling myself together and picking myself up,
seems to consist chiefly in laving myself out, not to shine in Society,
but away from Society, in the sun. After two weeks of this method
I am partly pulled together, and slightly picked up.
Without a family, I am a family man. Inexact quotation which
occurs to me, " Some achieve families, and some have families thrust
upon them." Mine is the latter case. My Aunt (as I said before,
" Bless her ! ") came to take care of me, and my two Uncles were
bequeathed to my care.
My two Uncles are now on the sands, within easy reach of the
human voice (mine), trying to bury one another with wooden spades
in holes of moderate depth. If necessary, I can take both my
Uncles under my arm, and whip them, if they deserve it. They are
four and iive years of age respectively. They are the result of a
Happy Thought (occurring to a hale and hearty grandfather over
seventy.) — Marry again.
Reminds me of arithmetical game of Thoughts. " Think of a
grandfather, over seventy. Double him. Add two to him. Halve
him. Then subtract him altogether. Remainder, my two Uncles."
Orphans. Poor little Uncles ! • • • One of these days, as their
guardian, I shall have to take them to school, then to college. I
shall have to write to their Master, and say : " Dear Sir, — I hear
that you make some reduction on taking two Uncles instead of one.
How much per annum for the pair ? " &o., &o.
" P.8. I wish my Uncle* to have One Shilling each, pocket-
money, per week, and to have a cold bath every morning."
My Uncles— Uncle JACK and Uncle OIL (abbreviated) — being
tired of sand-digging, are commencing stone-throwing. -.Their im-
mediate object is an old gentleman who is gazing at the sea. Uncle
JACK'S intention (he is four years old) is, no doubt, admirable, but
his capabilities are limited. It might be called a game of " Any-
body's head." This time very near mine. I awake from a reverie
to the fact that Stone-throwing is dangerous. I speak severely.
They laugh.
Ibippy Thought. — Here's my Aunt JANE and the nurse.
My Uncles are given in charge.
My Aunt JANK has something to say on the subject of Health;
hers. On this she prefers consulting me to going to a Doctor.
She is aware that I once went to Aix-la-Chapelle for rheumatism,
and that, more or less, ever since, I 've been studying pulling my-
self together and picking myself up; with one exceptional time
when my whole object was to pull myself down.
My Aunt JANE is a martyr to neuralgia, she describes it as Rheu-
matic Neuralgia. She is of an impulsive, warm-hearted disposition,
and, generally speaking, would rather be talking than not.
Happy Thought. — She is "generally speaking."
She has a queer way of getting her words entangled before they
come out, leaving it to the nearer to unravel them and arrange them
in a coherent sentence. In a Pagan country she would have been
an Oracle.
Happy Thought. — My Sphinxian Aunt.
Having thought over her style of conversation— or her absence of
style — I see that it is not a Mrs. Malaproprian nor a Mrs. Rams-
bothamian style, but one peculiarly her own, and, on analysis, I
should say it arose out of an economical desire to save time by
thinking of sentence Number Two, while in the middle of sentence
Number One.
She addresses me. speaking rather hurriedly, and occasionally
stopping with a kind of gasp, and a surprised look, her mouth open,
as if the supply of words had (as it were) been suddenly cut off at
the main, lf I've been suffering all the morning with face-ache, but
whether it's my tpothjaw (one word this) or what I don't know, hut
I 'm really afraid that I 've got some irremedibiddle disease
which here she gasps. Supply cut off. I take advantage of
this to ask what she means by "irremedibiddle."
" You know very well^what the word means, I 'm sure, or ought
to," she replies, a little hurt.
' If you mean, Aunt, irremediable "
[Happy Thought that flashes across me. Que didble ! irrtme-
diable .' To arrange this afterwards as a French joke, and .put it
down to TALLEYRAND or MoLitRE.]
"if you mean 'irremediable,'" I continue, for the Happy
Thought is only a mental flash which does not interrupt the sen-
tence, " I understand."
" Of course," she replies, " I said irremediable, and I know it 's a
correct word, though you always find fault with what I say, because
when I was thinking about what a cureness was which couldn't
be " here she corrects herself of her own accord — " I mean an
illness was which couldn't be cured, I thought there was one word
for it, and so I looked out irremediable and found it in Dixon's
Johnsonary."
"Johnson's Dictionary, Aunt," I say.
" I said so," she returns with some dignity ; " and if I didn't, you
know what I mean well enough, and needn't take me up for every
little mistake."
She has decided that she has " Rheumatism all over her, and is not
quite sure that it isn't what the Doctors call ' imperceptible gout,'
which results," she adds, " in goodness knows what, and all sorts
of things."
What does she propose as a cure ? She answers, readily, that she
would trust herself implicitly to me if I would take her where I
went myself some years ago, to Aix-la-Chapelle. She has evidently
made up her mind to this. I reply, that I will "turn it over."
While sue goes down to my two Uncles on the sands, I meditate.
Process of " turning it over." — This year I have determined to take
up farming and gardening, or gardening and farming, scientifically
and (I think I foresee it in the future) profitably. Besides, in VoL II.,
Typical Developments, I shall soon come to Letter F., naturally,
" Farming" with a note at bottom of page, " See, also, G. Gar-
dening," and I shall want to write about it. My friend and adviser,
ENGLEMORE, has strongly recommended me agricultural pursuits as
a first-rate thing. As he is coming down to-morrow (unless he tele-
graphs, which, when once you've started him at what he calls
" wiring, "jhe generally does three or four times a day). I can con-
sult him as to when I ought to begin my " farming and gardening
operations." ... 1 am dropping off into a drowsy state when some-
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1872.
AT THE FRENCH PLAY.
HAPPY THOUGHT — INCOGNITO SBOUKED — BLUSHES CONCEALED — AND SELF-
RESPECT PRESERVED (AT LEAST OUTWAEDL'S).
COMPARISON WITH COUSINS GERMAN.
COMPARISONS are odious, 0
My countrymen and brothers !
Not when we to advantage show,
Compared, ourselves, with others.
Does not the difference 'twixt two Powers,
Weighed by the world together,
The Prussian Government, and ours,
Just now exceed a feather ?
It must, it cannot but, compel
All people's commendation
To see how Prussia we excel
In point of toleration.
BISMABCK fears Ultramontane leagues
To break up German union ;
Frames laws gainst Jesuit intrigues
Among the POPE'S communion.
And none there are that, in debate,
Or print, denounce his folly.
Say he resembles NEWDEGATE,
And liken him to WHALLEY.
No "able Editors " has he
Such as with us are common,
To twit him with " No Popery,"
And call him an old woman.
No High Church clique genteel, with gibes
Doth steadily pursue him ;
No band of faithful Irish scribes
On principle pooh-pooh him :
He has no Public, duly taught
By sneers in fitting season,
To laugh to scorn a Statesman's thought
Of priestly Popish treason.
Weak bigotry you don't behold
Check Priests in these dominions ;
The Reverend Fathers, uncontrolled,
Inculcate their opinions.
At home of what sage rule boast we !
Abroad in our relations,
Of what adroit diplomacy,
Above all other nations !
low, in connection with my Aunt's notion about Aix-la-Chapelle,
.here occurs to me suddenly a
Happy Thought.— German Gardening.
Odd that, quite coincidentally, the two words fall naturally under
' G " in Typical Developments, Vol. II. (if I get as far in Vol. II. :
,t might be Vol. X. before I reached " G" : but, anyhow, I should
)e prepared with material. [Note. — Hitherto, I 'ye generally col-
ected material" in mems and notes, on odd slips of paper, for
months, and then either been unable to remember the circumstances
io which they relate, or have lost them altogether, or later in-
telligence has rendered them valueless.] Also, as another really
very curious coincidence, under the letter " F," " Farming in
France."
Happy Thought.— French Farming. Or, if any difficulty about
Farming, why not Floriculture ? This alphabetically brings us
back to " E," when I commence with " English E * Think of
some word initialled with " E," and meaning Gardening.
Happy Thought. — Dixon's Johnsonary. Look it out. " Eagle —
Eardrops — Earth." This is nearer but not the thing, " English
Earth — continue with Dixon's Johnsonary — "Ear-trumpet —
Easter — Eaves." Eaves is suggestive of country and poetry, but,
on the whole, is not sufficiently comprehensive.
Try again. " Echo— Eddy— Eelspout— Efflorescence." Here we
are.
Happy Thought.— English Efflorescence ! The series would be
(1) English Efflorescence. (2) French Farming. (3) German Gar-
dening. Telegraph this to POPGOOD AND GROOLLY. Really an
idea. With Illustrations. Coloured. Query who '11 do 'em ?
My Aunt, who has dismissed Uncles JACK and Gil to their
dinner — [we see them in the distance staggering about very un-
steadily, Uncle JACK being in perpetual difficulties with an elastic
hat-string which won't keep his hat on his head for more than two
minutes in anything like a breeze, and Uncle GIL who " gives " a
little at the knees and has an undecided style of progression] — asks
me if I 've decided, because if so we ought to go as soon as possible
in order to make Hay while the shun sines— or rather, sun shines
she means. Strange coincidence again that she should have used
the expression " make hay."
" At all events," she says, with a letter in her hand, " I 've just
heard that the GLYMPHYNS have gone there : young MR. GLYMPHYN
is a martyr, I 'm told, to Dipthatical Sytherea in one of the two if
not both, and he can't put one leg to the ground without the other,
so they hope to cure him."
" Cure him of what ? " I ask.
"Sciatica," she answers. "I said so before, only you really
never do seem to attend to me."
I can't quite make up my mind. I tell her the reason. " At all
events," she says, " you might take me over, and leave me at the
GLYMPHYNS, who would be delighted to see me, and take the
most possible care, and if CHARLOTTE GLYMPHYN, though she s
mottled and serried now and her name is BORROWDAILE, I fancy
it will be pleasant if " here comes the gasp, and the stream is
dried up.
The GLYMPHYNS to me are not an inducement. Besides, if I go
again to Germany, it will be simply and solely in the interests of the
etter " G" — " German Gardening "—consequently, I don't want to
je mixed up with nothing but English, nor do I want to live in a
;own. No ; in a farm, or German Gardener's house. Conversations
with German Gardener's Daughter.
Happy Thought. — " G" stands for Gretchen.
I know my Aunt's object. She is always trying to make me what
she calls " go about more." I fancy, from what she says, that she
has " somebody in her eye." On this subject we have a difference
of opinion. Great one. We agree to talk it over to-night. After
that I shall consult ENGLEMORE.
Happy Thought.— Give it till to-morrow.
To this my Aunt replies with something about " Procrastion "
being "the thief of time." I suggest "Procrastination." She
returns that that is what she said, and adds her usual reference,
which is, that if I don't think there is such a word, I 'd better consult
Dixon's Johnsonary. But, anyhow, give it till to-morrow.
A Case of Gross Misnomer.
MR. JUSTICE CHRISTIAN— to judge by his extra-judicial ob-
servations on his brethren of the Bench and his Lords of the
Legislature.
JUNB 29, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2:1
ABILITIKS and Enjoyment, 241
Academy Rhymes, 213
Acts, not Plays, 179
ASrial Komo, 76
Age no Objection, 259
Air-Passages of London, 232
Alien and Alias, 220
All A-Growing ! 249
Alleviation of Mourning. 145
"Alliance" Progress, 128
All Pay and No Work, 146
All tho World in the Park, 108
American Argument (The), 128
American Incredulity, 32
Ancient Roman Revivals, 10J
Augelne Debitum, 261
Animal Infanticide. 235
Animal Magnate-Ism, 1S4
April Fools in Feathers, 181
Arrest In the Avon, 128
Athanasius and Williams, 119
Athletic Intelligence, 76
At Last! 151
Awakening Conscience (An), 93
Awkward Flatterer (An), 98
Ayrton's Illumination, 251
BAGPIPES at Balmoral, 233
Ballot Bill and his Baiters, 263
Base Calumny (AX 167
"Because He had Too Much Cheek," 158
"Bells "(The), 184
Betting Book- Worms, 121
Bill and Budget, 55
Birds and Bait, 199
Bishop of Manchester and "Punch"
(The), 219, 2S5
BUhop on Bitter Beer (AX 168
Bishops Beheaded, 185
Bit of a Puzzle (A), 255
Black and White, 98
Boat-Race (The). 125
Book of Taking Leaves (A), 189
Bos Locutus Eat, 142
Botanical Crackjaw, 217
Bravo I Bumble, 21
Bribery and Ballot, 203
Brigands of Barnes (TheX 246
Bristol Diamond (A), 212
Buried Army (A), SI
CAD'S Word for the Claimant (A), 127
Can a Lady Keep a Secret ? 115
Candid, if True, 135
Card (AX 5S
Case for Crying Odorous Fish (A), Itil
Case of Cockleshells (A), 120
Case of Real Distress, 23
Castrometation, 226
Castro's Friends, 264
Caution to Commissioners, 210
Celebrities on the Turf, 2-'6
Celebrity at Southampton (A), 259
Chance of a Crusade (TheX 109
Changing our Mind, 107
Chemistry for Countrymen, 255
Christmas Boxes for Beauty, 19
Church and Turf, 224
Church Disestablishment, 85
" CivilUation »t 8t. Paul's," 55
Civ.h'yanrt Advice, 213
Colours of the Season. 138
"Come Aboard, Sir !" T5
Cotnflt is Coming (The) ! 218
Coming Retirement (A), 23
Cimmum Misnu"t»ti-ni, 157
Compari-on with Cousins German, 270
Competitive Examination Age (The), 133
Consideration (A), 213
Constitutional Agitation, 217
Converse Demonstration, 171
Convinced Correspondent (AX 105
Corrigendum, 35
Couplet for a King (A), 109
Courts Clerical and Courts Martial, 259
Crab and Creed, 190
Creed Miscalled (A), 25
Cricketing News, 117
Criteria of Clothes, 159
Crying Evil (AX 87
Curates' Augmentation, 259
DANGEROUS Example (A), 157
Dealings with Dutchmen, 70
Decorations in Doubt, 147
De Hicretico Cadendo, 208
Derby " Anticipations," 225
Descent of Man (TheX 173
Detur Pulchrioribus, 76
Dio-a-tonic Drink (A), 181
Dignity for Doctors, W
Dignity of Play, 141
Diocese Extraordinary, 85
Dirt 1 Dirt ! Dirt ! 22
Disinterested Doctors, 66
Distinguished "Friend" (AX 28
Distraint upon Petticoats, 127
Domestic Bliss, 210
Domestic Economy, 139
Double Meaning, indeed (AX 97
Double or Single ? 189
Drum Major and Drum Maxlmus, 262
Drums and Fifes, 98
Duties and Imposts, 24
Duty made Easy, 84
EASTER Monday Manrauvres, 149
Ecclesiastical Attitude, 147
Educational Epigrams, 51
Eheu! 253
" El Echo de Ambos Mundos," 98
Elegant Advertising, 35
Empire of the Fashions (The), 230
Epistolary Gem, 204
Epithalamium in General, 171
Essence of Parliament, 67, 78, 88, &C.
Evenings from Home, 4, 14, 24, ic.
Examination for Turfites, 229
Exceedingly Rude, 342
Excuse for any Fools (AnX 193
Expelled, 75
Extensive Concern (An), 77
Extenuating Circumstance (The), 174
Extracts from the Diary of the Coming
Woman, 34
Extravagance with Utility, 261
Eye to Business (An), 107
FAIR and the Unfair(TheX 69
Fair Play for LooehaL 15
Fair Warning from France, 157
Faith for the French Army, 24S
Fallacy of Figure*, 178
Father Thames' Ten-Urn, 05
Fenian's Pullow-Mau (A), 177
Festive Bored (TheX 1
Fie I Mr. Fergusson ! 162
Fiends of the Fireside, 121
Fine Arts, 253
Fine fora Beating (A), 117
First -01 us TwelvefAi, 229
Flag of Dundee (The), 194
Floreat Et ma I 183
Fli.urmh on the French Horn, 155
Follies of the Fashions, 149
F. Tfttfti Affairs, 77
Foreigners' Fireships, 217
Foreign Finance, 139
Foreign Intelligence, 65
For the Fourteenth, 7«
Fourth B in Merthyr (The), 25
Frederick Denlson Maurice, 156
Fresco Superseded, 285
Fresh, not Tight, 39
Frightful Savages, 84
Frights and Fashions, 158
" From between Two Stools," 119
From Captain Dyngwoll, 139
Prom Galway to Candy, 26
" From Whip to M. F. H.," 70
GENIAL Notion (A), 98
Geology for Jackasses, 246
Ghostly Travelling, 75
Giants and the Bunkum-Bag (TheX 191
Giants in the Way, 58
Gladstone's Little Monitor, 190
Glorious Tidings, 252
Going Back, 210
Golden Bridge (AX 73
Good Day's Work (A), 111
Gospel without Gunpowder, 126
Great Rejoicings, 262
Green Park v. Black Moor, 159
Groan on a Bore (A), 222
Grocer's Friend (The), 151
Guilded Ladies. 45
Quiseppe Mazzini, 122
HAPPV Thoughts, 299
Hard Words, 108
Height of Fashion (The), 135
Heretical Hoax, 84
Hints on Christmas Shopping, 11
Historians and Heretics, 25
Home Rule, 23
Hooghly and tho Itchin (The), 117
Hopeless, 98
Horace Mayhew, 191
Horoscope for 1872, 5
Hot Cross Buns. 131
How to Leave Money, 211
Husbands and Hearts, 141
" IF," 31
Ill-read Parable (An), 165
Immorality of Foreign Rulers, 99
Improving the International, 256
In Angelas Honorem, 41
Increase of Practice, 109
Incredible Intelligence, 193
Inquests Quite Unnecessary, 52
International Exhibition*, 240
In the Temple, 30
Intimidationist Priests, 232
Irish Secresy, 233
Items, 225
JAMES the Second at the Tower, 251
Jingle for St. James's (A), 33
John Bull's Blessing— and What It Costs,
178
Jolly Wet, 5-2
Jury Box of the Future (TheX 118
Jury-Law Victim (The), 211
Jury Reform, 149
Just a Hint, 13
KEOOH and Catholicism, 236
Killjoys (The), 219
King Cole and the Cartoons, 219
Kltptomnni*, 98
LA Clemenza dl Bruce, 209
Ln lies in the Army, 210
Lark to the Latin* (AX 77
Latoat " Happy Thought" (The), 138
Lawyers and Lunatics, 33
Lay of Leicester Square (The), 265
Lay of the Embankment (A), 173
Legitimate Crown (AX 101
Liberty of the Letter-Box (TheX 232
Lines on Liquor Lawson, 203
Liquor Laws Superseded, 47
Literature, Science, and Art, 51, 167, 235
Little Bethel and Lord Byron, 147
Logic for Ladles, 161
London Gold Diggings, 42
Loyal Subjects, 1S7
MACFIE'S Last— let us Hope, 159
Magee before Manning, 201
Malapropriana, 86
Manly Millinery, 162
Mark Lemon, 9, 119
Mathematical Intelligence. 13
May Day in 1872, 203
Medical Bars, 3
Medical Dissenters, 180
Meliora, 98
Meteorological Observations, 249
Military Economy, 3
" Milk Below I " 1S9
Minor Canon (A), ;.
Misleading Title, 115
Mistaken Idea (A), 201
Modest Demand (A), 54
Monody on M'Qrath, 10
Monsignor on Mimes (A), 214
Mordecat, 149
More Education Fight, 84
More than Peter's Pence, 192
Mortal Immortals, 112
Mother Britannia's New Nursery Soot,
129
Movements in Low Life, 109
Mrs. Churcher's Comfort, 201
Mrs. Washtub on Telegrams, It
Music and Muscle, 145
Music for the Million, 183
My Health, 9, 19, 29, &c.
Mysterious Disappearances, 77
Mystic Number (A), 115
NATIONAL Nursery Law, 233
Nation's New Year's Day (TheX 1
Nearly the Last of the Claimant, 118
Negative Knowledge, 41
New Civil Service Regulations, 96
New School for Nobs, 47
News from Naples, 54
New Year's Fine (TheX 32
New Year's " Note " to Correspondents,
Noble Savage among the Antiquaries
(The), 239
No Mistake about Eve, 242
Nonconformity to Anything, 55
Non or Natural? 173
Not Weber's, 135
Nuptia) in Excelsis, 180
OBJECT of Sympathy (AnX 54
Observations in an Oratory, 177
Odd, 210
Ode on a Mental Prospect of the New
Law Courts, 108
Odger Beneath Nelson, 75
Old Ghosts and New, 2
Ominous Indeed ! 35
Omnibui Tax (AnX 112
On and Off, 148
On St. Patrick's Day falling on a Sunday,
132
Opera Reform, 243
Orgins of Ofldno-1, 86
Our Admirable Reserve, 58
Our Aldernty Milker, 209
272
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JUNE 29, 1872.
Our Baroness for our Birds, 243
Our Boat-Rice and Brother*, 137
Our Brutal Customs, 100
Our Pocket- Book Again, 24
Our Queen to Hor People, 1
" Our Wig," 19
Over a Dead Treaty, 241
"Over the Sea," 86
Owls that is Not Horgang, 45
PAPAL Pastime, 1S4
Parallels for th« People, 15
Parallel under Parliament, 69
Parks Bill (The), 105
Parliamentary Intelligence. 57
Parliamentary Ritualism, 240
Part for the Premier (A), 77
Past and Present Obstruction, 53
Peace without Panic, 224
"Peculiar People," 177
Penal Servitude of Jurors, 253
People and their Park (The), 167
Peter Quince, his Ballad of Bottom's
Dream, 102
" Phantom Board " (TheX 48
Pig-and-Bargain-Driving, 41
Pig and the Ring (The), 157
Plea for a Female Parliament (A), 232
Plea for Patent Medicines, 126
Plucky Reply, 204
Plup I and Toe ! 219
Poetical Error, 208
Poetry of Fact, 20
Pokes in Pantomimes, 13
Popjoys at Paris (The), 245
Portent at Rome (AX 128
Posterity's Benefjctor, 209
Post Office Confectionery, 179
Praiseworthy, 211
Premature, 239
Premature Humiliation, 174
Present and the Pillory (TheX 118
Preservers of Eppiug Forest (The), 253
President Pussy, 149
Private School Classics, 43
Prize Poem, 252
Probab'e, 230
Probable Intelligence, 13
Problem for the Poet Laureate, 11
Profession's Union (A), 35
Programmes of Royal Societies, 260
Property and Pictures, 193
Proposed Old Jury (The), 236
Protection from Plucking. 265
Public Money and Land, 76
Pulpit Extortion, 265
Punch and Judy, 261
Punch's Derby Prophecy, 222, 235
Punch's Notice Paper, 85
QUEER Bargains, 97
Query for Convocation, 193
Questionable Spirit (AX 249
Questions in Parliament, 129
RAILWAY Reform, 10
Rational Ancient Roman, 220
Reading Made Uneasy. 246
Real Friends to Government, 121
Reasons for Going to the Boat-Race, 119
Reason Why (AX 208
Recent Anniversary (A), 141
Red for White, 242
Republic Out-of-Doors (TheX 127
Respectability, 66
Results, 152
Reticence of the Press (The), 6
Richard Southwell Bourke, 80
Rights of Women (The), 147
Ritualist Miracle (A), 245
Royal Clemency, 15
" Rubbish must Not be Shot hero," 225
Rural Intelligence, 46
SACERDOTAL Spiritualism, 135
Sacred Wednesday (TheX 242
Sacrifice of a Bacred Edifice, 263
Sad Alteration, 36
Sad Fact of Sobriety, 107
Sang by Sawnie, 152
Sanitary Sermons, 15
Sarcasms Crystallized during a Dreary
Journey on the Brighton Railway, 64
Science for the Season, 11
Science Gossip, 46
Scottish Papers, Please Don't Copy, 250
Seasonable Literature, 211
Seat on a Safety -Valve (A), 36
Second Thoughts are Best, 79
Serious Affair, 33
Serious Interjections, 159
Shade of Cervantes ! 138
Shakspeare for Schoolboys, 98
"Shillyshally," 191
Shocking Fellows, 107
Shoddy and Sand, 155
Sick Man in the Vatican (The), 22
Side-splitter, quite beyond a Joke (A), 189
Similar Streams, 242
Simon Ic Simj ile, 145
Simple Notes on England, 188, 224
Sir Sterndale Bennett, 191
Slightly Confused, 100
Slumber before Society, 229
Smile in Exeter Hall (A), 170
Soldiers or Supernumeraries? 55
Something Lake a Name, 85
3ong by a Southerner, 109
" Song of the Season" (A), 168
Songs on Solemnities, 87
Soul and Shoe, 109
Soup and Sermon, 33
South Kensington Bazaar (The), 52
Spanish Pirate (A), 220
Speaker- Elect (The), 51
Speaker (The), 21
Speaking by the Card, 132
Sporting News, 40
Sporting Parallel, 200
State and the Sack (The), 75
Stir in the Kitchen (A), 200
Strange Parliamentary Proceeding, 85
Strasburg Zone (TheX 245
"Strike, but Hear!" 266
Strike off Beat, 218
Subjugated Scotland. 232
Substance of Soldiership (The), 166
Such a Book ! 25
Suggestion to Mr. Lowe, 26
Surprising a Castle, 22
Sweet Thing to Say, 203
Swell on a Strike (A), 179
TAKE Care of the Halfpence, 117
Taxes on Knowledge, 151
Temperance Hospital (A), 46
Temperance Talk (A), 180
" Tempus Fugit "—Fudge ! 128
Terrible Temptation, 214
Testimonial Nu'sance (The), 260
Thanksgiving, 90
Thanksgiving Day, 99
" That's Good," 100
Theatrical Ballot-Boxes (The), 86
Their Most Sweet Voices, 137
Theological News, 22
" There is great Luck about the House,"
183
" The " Tuesday, 87
Tichborne ». Lushington, 47
Tight Lads, 250
Tired Thomas, 230
Too Hot to Handle, 181
Too Much Zeal, 56
To Templo Bar, 90
To the Afflicted, 10
To the State Coachman, 41
Towns on the Thames, 137
Travellers' Strike (A), 145
Tremendous Telegram, 239
TrueWll? 33
True Sympathy with Suffering, 180
Twelfth Night, 12
Twelfth Night ; or, What you Won't, ?01
Two Graces, 210
Two Thunderers (The), 146
UNCLE (The), 56
University Boat-Race (The), 131
Un Monsieur Smith, 26
Unsuitable Tailorism, 179
Urgent Appeal, 70
Utilisation of Vice, 115
VALENTINIANA, 69
Valhallaballoo, 199
Vaticinations of the Vatican, 2C3
Verbum Sap, 145
Vise Antique, 15
Vindictive Teutons, 40
Virtuous Vestry (A), 5
Visa Versa, 187
Voters of Value, 159
WAOOAWOCK Subscription L'»t, 158
Waggawock (The), 112
Wanted, 105
Wanted— Simplicity, 42
Ware Vesuvius ! 193
Warning to Our William (A), 204
Waving our Kerchief, 218
We will Torpedo Them, 222
What Happened on the 21st, 263
What is Always Going On, 255
What the Burmese Ambassadors Ought
to be Shown, 250
Whisper This, 107
Who are They ? 117
" Who '11 March through Coventry ? " 166
" Why, how now, Hamlet ? "
(Willow) Pattern Wedding Presents, 177
" Woman ! spare that Bird," 87
Word for Women (The), 197
Words to a Wife, 167
Working Man on Work (A), 28
YOKES for Yokefellows, 100
Your Bonnet to Its Right Use, 42
LARGE ENGRAVINGS.
ANOTHER Empty Weapon, 133
Big Cracker (The), 7
Big John and Little John, 247
Bottom's Dream, 103
" Busted Up ! " 195
" Come to Grief," 267
Giants in the Way, 60, 61
" Jtremy Diddlowe," 143
Lancashire Lions (The), 153
Land and Labour ; or, How to Settle
Jt, 163
" Men of Business " (The), 257
" Monster Slain " (The), 113
" Non Dolet," 205
Odd-Handed Justice, 175
Off Greenwich. 17
Old " Whip" (The), 71
Out of the Question, 185
"Phantom Board " (The), 49
" Scratched ! " 227
Smoking the " Calumet," 81
Still Bigger Claimant (A), 27
Bt. Patrick for Galway ! 237
" Thanksgiving," 92, 93
Too Much Pressure, 37
'• Under the Dark Blue Waters," 215
"Yankee Doodle," 123
SMALL ENGRAVINGS.
ART-CRITIC and the Mirror (The), SOI
Artist and the Newfoundland (The), 118
At the Pastrycook's, 41
Augustus Hates Calls, 199
Beard and Bald Head, 70
Beer aud the Cask (The), 54
Belief in Miracles, 179
" Best Man's " Trousers (A), 96
Billy Giles and his Cow, 233
Black Eye at Christmas (A). 10
Blossom at the Boat-race, 136
Blowing her own Nose ! 142
" Boots and Chambermaid," 128
Boy, Girl, or Heir? 162
Bread or Cheese 1 42
Broad and Long Sermon (A), 138
Bundle of Intellects (A). 118
Burying a Dissenter, 159
Cab to Drury Lane Theatre (A), 243
" Cheek I " (Pipe ». Cigar), 26
Clergyman Turning to the East (A), 13
Coachman's Bouquet (The), 122
Colour of Carriage Wheels, 219
Costumes for Wet Weather, 157
Croquet in a Hailstorm, 218
" Does that Old Genkleman Bite ? " 147
Doll's Dance (The). SO
"Dressing Ship," 108
Dr. O'Gorman's Nose, 190
Early British French, 119
Easter Holidays and Shaving, 149
Effect of Reading while Training, 250
Faint Hecollections of the 27th, 99
February 29 (Punch and the Ladies), 100
Four-Wheeler Respectable enough, 87
Fox-Hunting in Kilts, 11
Freddy and the Little Stranger, 156
" Fuchsia Dress " (The), 265
" Funereal Frump " (The), 194
" Gloves "—a Lesson to Shopmen, 168
Grace before Breakfast, 66
Grandmamma's Plum Cake, 75
Hair a la Turban, 69
Hair-Cutting at Home, 23
Hampstcad Heath v . Switzerland, 181
" Harp in the Air" (The). 107
" Has Tittens dot pins ? " tic., 241
' ' Hold his hind Leg, Papa," 146
Hot Water Tin in June, 263
Hounds at Cover (The), 65
Housemaid and the Piano (The). 152
Housemaid who couldn't Dance (A), 204
Hungarian Costume, 261
Hunting in 1872 (" Only Showers "), 106
Irish Gallantry (Toll Free), 76
Irish Model (An), 158
'Itting a 'Orse on the 'Bad, 86
Jeames and " Poor Sir Roger," 171
Jockey riding to Church (The) 214
Jones's Horse Won't go by Rail, 53
" Jucidioush " and " Dujishioush," 178
Keeper's Venison (The), 36
Ladies' Race (A), 231
Ladies' " Tops," 40
Lady and Amateur Barytone, 256
Laura and Charles at Horse-Show, 240
" Let me Kiss him for his Mother, " 6
Liquor Controversy (The), 3^
"Lizzie is thinking of Cake," 174
" Lost the 'Ounds, Gents ? " 242
Mabel's Music Lesson, 167
Managing to Look Drunk, 116
Marksman's Penny a Day (The), 188
Masks at the Play, 270
Master's Gun, 64
Meeting his Creditors, 209
Militia Guard "turning out "(The), 260
"Miss or Mum?" 48
Miss Prypge's Musical Taste, 226
Mr. Figgins at the Pic-nic, 200
Mr. Grigsby's Comic Song, 184
Mr. Umberbrown's House on the Hill, 32
Necessaries to Marriage, 208
New Curate's Sermon (The), 102
New Garden Hose (The), 251
Noah's Dove, 210
" No Gentleman says Pudden," 31
Nothing— wrapped in Paper, 77
Not Sims Reeves, 170
Not the Same Champagne, 21
Nunnery and a Monkery (AX 52
" Oblige me with— a Remark," 127
" O dear ! what a Relief ! " 98
Official Censorship of Pantomime, 22
"Old Clock on the Stare " (TheX 44
One of Nelson's Veterans, 193
" On the Top of the Hill, too ! " 30
Ornamental Drainage, 2
Our Brilliant Finish -Pounded, If 6
Picture-dealing with Moses, 97
Private Conversations Explained, 266
" Quod " and " Quadrangle," 117
Royal Academy (The). 198
Run of the Season (The), 126
Rustic's Railway Ticket (A) 230
Same Dress ! (The), 132
Scene at a Hatter's, 252
Servant* Going io to Prayers, 223
Severe on the Planistes. 74
" S3 glad You're glad I'm glad," 108
Statue at Large, 85
Sunday Manners (Friends Meeting), 89
Sunday Manners (The Donkeys), 112
Te Deum (The), 211
Temple Bar Beautified, 90
"Tired, Unwell, or Hungry?" 65
Toilette (a la BcefeaterX 3
Tugal's " Licht," 189
Uncle and the Mimic, 137
Uphill on Horseback. 20
Valentine Tragedy (A), 84
Vision of the Derby (A), 221
Vivifying Treatment of a Partner, 16
Waiting on Country Quality, 129
Walking in the Puddles, 236
" Was oor John in the Gig ? " 45
Why Bill won't send his Boy to School,
262
Wild Drame of Ireland's Future (A,), 67
" Woirfs ' and the " Postes " (The), 139
Young Ladies and Gentlemen Prome-
nading, 246
Young Ladies at Drill, 220
"You the Pictures, I the Catalogue," 553
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Sqmire.ln the Part* of St. James. ClerVenwell. in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices ol Mwsr«. Bradbury, Zrsns, * Co. I-om
Slreet, in the Prec'nct of Whitefrlar.,ln the City of London, and Jrublliihed hj him, at Mo. 85, Fleet Street, In the Parl.h of 8t, Bride, City of London.-»»n>»D»v, June 29, 1872.
LONDON :
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,
ANT) POLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1872.
LONDON :
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIAR.".
DECEMBER 28, 1872.|
PU.XCII, OR THK LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE (JTljaUcitjJcr waa ready to depart for her grand voyage. Ready to sail into all the Oceans and demand their deepest
secrets. But there was one who lingered on board, and till he had put off, the Challenger might not go. For the
thunder-curses of the World would pursue her did she carry away Him from the midst of the nations.
" Brave luck to you all, brave hearts," said MB. PUNCH, as he slowly descended to the boat. " Would I were of
your crew."
" Would you were ! " shouted the Expedition.
" But it cannot be. So, adieu ! Go everywhere, and, if you see anything you think I should like, be sure you
bring it home for me."
" Certainly we will, done up in wool and silver paper," laughed the Captain.
" Then," cried MB. PUNCH, quoting Endymion,
" Go to the Syrens, and one moment listen
Their melodies, and see their long hair glisten."
" We '11 make a point of it," said the First Lieutenant. " Give way there, you men ! "
" I shall give way if they don't," said MR. PDNOH, wiping his eyes.
" Anon upon that Giant's arm you '11 be
That writhes about the roots of Sicily."
" We shall like to see that," said the Captain, raising his voice.
" And then," said MB. PUNCH,
" To Northern Seas you "11 in a twinkling sail,
And mount npon the snortiogs of a whale
To some black clood."
" Which would be a lark," shrieked a Midshipman.
" Thence down you '11 madly sweep
On forked lightning to the deepest deep,"
shouted MB. PUNCH, nearing the quay.
" So we will, old man ! " roared the Second Lieutenant.
" Hold your row ! " said MB. PUNCH.
Therefore, be full of gladness."
Where through some sucking pool you shall be hurled,
With rapture, to the other side of the world.
IV
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1872.
"That's rum," observed the Boatswain.
" It *s not, Boson," bellowed MB. PUNCH, indignantly. " I 'm a Good Templar. It 's only ray excitement."
He was now getting very red in the face, and something hoarse, but his magnificent resolution never forsook
him.
" After KEATS, KEATING," he said, filling his mouth with the latter's cough lozenges. They gave him renewed
energy, and as he stood on the quay and waved his sailorly hat, he resumed, with the voice of a Stentor, —
" Captain, ahoy ! "
" What's the matter now?" replied the Captain, through his speaking-trumpet.
" Did you ever read the Whale, by HKUMAN MELVILF.K ? "
" No — a — a — a ! " came on the wind.
" I 'm sorry for that. Fine book ! If you '11 stop, I '11 telegraph to Town to have my copy sent down for you ; only
you must be sure to give U me back, because I value it."
As the words which answered this may not have been irreverent, what they seemed to sound like shall not be set
down.
" Same to you," responded MB. PUNCH. " I '11 only quote a bit from it. ' Luck to yo, Captain ! — luck to ye, First
Lieutenant ! — luck to ye, Second Lieutenant ! — luck to ye all ! — and this day four years I '11 have a hot supper smoking for
yo in old London. Hurrah and away ! ' '
" I never eat hot suppers," came down with the wind. " You take care of yourself, old man, and dou't be to°
zealous about preventing the destruction of tissue. Easy with the tipple."
" Most ungrateful observationH," muttered MR. PUNCH. - " But never mind. You Ve forgotten something ! " he
thundered, like POLYPHEMUS. " But I 've sent it back in the boat. That will ensure you all sorts of good fortune.
Study it night and day, make it your compass, and your quadrant, and your Little Sea Chart."
And then might be seen the Challenger taking on board MB. PUNCH'S
,
MAJESTY s subjects.
t0 2°U flN • " shouted MB. PDNCH, for the last time, and he shouted in the name of all HER
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE SEASON.
THE ordinary manuals of useful information grossly mislead the
public by limiting the number of the Seasons to four ; the fact being
that there are five — Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter, and the
London Season. The ordinary manuals were probably compiled by
persons of the scholastic profession, ignorant of Society, indifferent
about gloves, and with no experience either of a Matinee Musicale
or an Afternoon Drum.
The circumstance of THOMSON not including the London Season in
the poem he composed on a kindred topic, shows plainly that in his
time (and THOMSON, it should he remembered, was contemporary
with JOHNSON, SMITH, and BROWN) it had not acquired that im-
portance which it now possesses in the eyes of every one who has
not forfeited all claim to self-respect. Some fragments, however,
were found amongst THOMSON'S papers which led his executors to
think that he had originally contemplated bringing the " lovely
young L.CVINIA" (see Royal Academy, Gallery I., No. 75) to Town,
and nnding her a fine match.
The exact height of the London Season has never yet been posi-
tively ascertained ; but pending the appointment of a Royal Com-
mission, with a paid Secretary, to inquire into this subject, it may
be safely assumed that the Season has reached its altimatum by the
time of Goodwood Races.
The London Season can be traced back to the days of the amiable
and universally respected Tudors. HENRY THB EIGHTH'S arrange-
ments about his Queens were so uncertain, that fashionable society
in that monarch's reign was more than once left without its natural
head ; and, consequently, drawing-rooms appear to have been sub-
ject to considerable irregularity and unavoidable postponement. At
a subsequent period in our dynastic history HENRIETTA MARIA could
never prevail on CHARLES THE FIRST to look in at five o'clock tea (or
rather coffee, for the Queen brought that infusion with her from
I. a Belle France), and CROMWELL, although he rode in the Row,
declined evening parties, and had what almost amounted to an
antipathy to a starched white neckerchief.
As far back as the time of the Union, matrimonial projects had
assumed an important place in the arrangements of a London
Season.
The JORLWORTHS returned home to Musemore rather knocked up
with their ten days in Town. During that short space of time they
went to the Royal Academy, the International Exhibition, the
Kensington and Betbnal Green Museums, the Albert Hall, the
Crystal Palace, both the Water Colour Societies, the DORE Gallery,
the Zoological Gardens, twice to the Opera, thrice to the Theatre,
the House of Commons, and LORD'S, and to concerts, pianoforte
recitals, Matinees Musicales, balls, dinner-parties, garden-parties,
fancy fairs, flower shows, and fireworks. The General was more
than once unconscious during the performance of GLUMM'S grand
classic opera, Clytemnestra, and MRS. JOKLWORTH expressed thank-
fulness (to herself) when that last long septet .at HEBE LOUDEIC-
STEIN'S Musical Rendezvous came to an end.
Various trades and professions are more or less dependent on the
London Season. It has great interest for hotel-keepers, florists,
fruiterers, poulterers, politicians, livery-stable-keepers, butchers,
pigeon-shooters, diners-out, whist-players, opera-singers, begging-
letter-writers, dog-fanciers, waiters, and match-makers.
There is one painful subject connected with the London Season to
which it has long been evident that the attention of the Legislature
must in the end be drawn. Indeed, it is understood that the Home
Office have now under consideration the propriety of introducing, at
an early period next Session before the commencement of another
Season, an Habitual Flirts Improvement Bill.
Is Society growing later and later in its habits, or are those who
compose it about to reform their ways, seriously impressed with the
truth of the venerable adage that early to bed and early to rise
makes us all healthy, and wealthy, and prevents red eyes? It
seems necessary to ask this question at the present time, because a
farewell benefit, which is under very Royal and aristocratic patron-
age, is announced to take place at Drury Lane Theatre " on Saturday
morning, July 6, 1872, at three o'clock." Clearly, London is not
the capital of that land " in which it seemed always afternoon.'
These remarks gracefully introduce another, which Mr. Punch
willingly steps out of his accustomed way to deliver. We would
say gladly, but he is not at all glad that MR. and MRS. ALKRKD
WIGAN are going to retire from the stage. On the contrary, it can
very ill afford to lose a gentleman whose art is of the very highest,
and a lady whose talent has adorned every character she has under-
taken. But since they are to go, let their departure be made a
famous one. The date we have given, and the rendezvous. All
lovers of true histrionic art will try to be present.
VOL. rxni.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JcLY 6, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAT, June 24. — MB. BOUYEBIE accused MB.
X V GLADSTONE of being a Smuggler. The PREMIER
f— .— ^ had, said MB. BOUT BRIE, smuggled the Bishops'
Resignation Bill through the House, in a pre-
cipitate manner. For which MB. GLADSTONE rebuked him, but did
not garnish his speech after the fashion of Dirk Hatteraick and
the like, which was to be regretted, as MR. GLADSTONE'S copia
rerborum might have been illustrated in a novel fashion. He
should have told ME. BOBVEBIE to cut ben whids and stow them,
as a gentry cove of the Ken does not patter family lingo. Also
have sworn.
Army Estimates were taken, and very rude things were said about
the Militia, who do not appear, like Bounty in the copybook, to
Command Respect. Yet thejr would be very terrible to an enemy
who was in the habit of washing himself. Touching the Volunteers,
LORD ELCHO thought the new rules too stringent, and that the
public expected too much from the Volunteers. He admitted that
they were not fit to face a Prussian regiment. Let us make them
fit, and then, there will be no foe for whom they will not be a match.
Tuesday.— The Lords polished off the Ballot Bill, according to
their lights, and it was sent back to the Commons, with what result
will be seen. The latter House does not feel, with Society in other
days,—
" Let a Lord but touch the glowing lines,
How the wit brightens, and the sense refines."
Some of the Commons were very anxious to get upon the subject
of ME. JUSTICE KEOGH'S judgment in the Galway case, but ME,
GLADSTONE declines to hurry matters. Now JUSTICE KEOGH is
shortly going on circuit, and there is no saying to what savagery the
priesthood he has castigated may not excite the clowns who obey it.
If the Irish Government does not wish to be called to the heaviest
account it has ever had to meet, it will take due precautionary
measures.
The Mines Bill made progress. ME. 0. MOBGAN objected to mine-
owners being regarded as Molochs, who love to ill-use children.
On an amendment, which Home- Secretary BKUCE declared would
make it impossible to enforce the law in 99 cases out of 100, our
" strong Government " was defeated by 185 to 170, and the amend-
ment was carried. Note this.
ME. GLADSTONE declined to establish a British Protectorate at
> iji, and the House supported him by 135 to 84. He does not wish
BRITANNIA to obtain any more dominions. Well, his is a safe
policy, but it is not the policy which has made her great.
The Bill for allowing Dissenters to bury one another in church-
yards was got rid of. Let them go on living always, to spite the
House and our good friend ME. W. J. THOMS, who puts down
centenarians.
Wednesday.— The lawyers slaughtered a Bill intended to make
conveyancing cheaper. They said that it would not work. But they
might have allowed us to try.
The House threw out a Bill for enabling laymen to preach in
churches. Dreadful pictures were drawn of possible occurrences,
and the champions of the Church unconsciously satirised its clergy
by urging that they might admit to their pulpits the POPB, Brahmins,
Bores, and public Entertainers.
Thursday.— Came good news. The Three Arbitrators, the repre-
sentatives of Italy, Brazil, and Switzerland, had, it was announced,
decided that the Indirect Claims were totally inadmissible. We
drink to the health of the Three. The Americans, after consulta-
tion with their Government, accepted the decision, and LORD
TENTEKDEN, for England, withdrew his request for a long adjourn-
ment. So the Washington Treaty is upheld, and discussion, under
its provisions, begins in the middle of July. There— and now was
not Mr. Punch the rightest of all prophets when he depicted the
Indirect Claims as a sham and a humbug, which the Americans
meant to explode when the right time should come ?
Whether we shall hear of the Claims any more — whether they are
abandoned only as regards this Arbitration — well asked, MR.
DISRAELI. Why, Sir, that depends upon whether " Attorney-ism "
should see any advantage to be gained thereby. Sufficient for the
day is the bother thereof. Punch begs leave to interpolate a
deserved compliment to you, MR. DISRAELI, for the admirable and
statesmanlike way in which you have behaved to the Government
during the course of these American negotiations. You have kept
the Cabinet on the qui vice, but you have never harassed it. So we
reward you by making you the principal figure in another Historical
Cartoon, which has nothing to do with America. Our treatment of
the theme may seem satirical, but that is a mere detail. We delight
to set you on high among the people. And we are sure that another
"people." whose best friend Mr. Punch has ever been when they
wanted friends, will be enchanted with our other witty but good-
natured illustration of your Crystal Palace Address to the Con-
servatives. As MR. JOHN REEVE, the younger, said in an immortal
burlesque — he assumed the tone of one who has refreshed himself
in excess : —
" Let's all love one another. What a place
This world would be if that could be the case !
Yes, love each other like th« innocent. Limbs
Sporting about beside their Messed dims.
Yes, I said dams. Sir, I don't cure a jot.
Do you (furiously) believe I love ) ou, Sir, or not ? "
Friday. — The frescoes in the Victoria Gallery are giving signs of
iecay, but this can be arrested, and the process will commence
forthwith. The sooner the better. MACLISE'S grand works must
not be left in jeopardy an hour longer than is needful.
In the Commons the Ballot Bill, as "improved" by the Lords
was considered, and it will save trouble to state that the Lower
Souse rejected nearly all the amendments of the Upper, MR. GLAD-
STONE would have given way on certain points, but his obedient
:ollowers would not allow him to do so. So .now to see what the
Lords will do.
There was a little accidental fire at the top of the Clock Tower,
vhere burns ME. AYBTON'S ingenious device for letting the wives of
tfembers know what time the House rises. The affair was a
Bagatelle — not so is the dodge for preventing senators from going off
o billiards. An Irish Member desired that coloured lights should
>e exhibited, but ME. AYETON was playful, would have no green
ire to please the Irish, and thought a white light aptly symbolised
the Constitution. AYETON among the Poets !
MONKEY BONES.
WHAT is that brisk discharge of cracks ?
The harmony of CHRISTY'S Blacks ?
Or dancing-girl who pirouettes
Clacking the lively castanets '(
No ; it from Parsons doth arise,
While PUECHAS bold the law defies,
And celebrates his mimic Mass
In panoply of triple brass.
Ritualists make that noise, the while,
Snapping their fingers as they smile,
And, since Jack Priest he still dares play,
" So much for Privy Council ! " say.
A TERRIBLE INVENTION.
AMERICANS are so inventive, that we need hardly say we cite this
rom a Transatlantic newspaper : —
" One of the cleverest inventions we have seen is the Patent Cat Extermi-
iator. It may be described as a large cast-iron oat, with an elastic swelling
ail, and sharp steel claws and teeth. It goes by clockwork, and, when pl»ced
pon the housetop, its yells and screams attract all the cats in the vicinity,
(hen it quickly tears to pieces those that come witbin its clutch."
As a set-off against the Alabama Claims, we ought to claim some
Dispensation for the shattering of our nerves by biich dreadful news
s this. Live cats are bad enough, but they are only flesh and blood,
nd occasionally sleep. But to have cast-iron cats prowling on the
lousetops, and caterwauling dismally all the live-long night, a
jrospect such as this may make the bravest of us tremble, and the
ioldest feel dismayed.
JOLT C, l-T-'.j
PJJNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A PLEA FOR PLAINER DINNERS.
I.NMBLE MB. PUNCH,
IT has been cynically
said that life woula be en-
joyable if it were not for its
pleasures, and in OJM respect
I certainly agree _with the
remark ; namely, ia regard
to what are called the plea-
sures of the table. Not that
I am one of those who care
not what they eat, and who
consume with equal relish a
eup of mutton broth or a
plate of real turtle. But it
seems to me that nowadays
people so prolong the plea-
sures of the dinner-table
that they cease really to bu
pleasurable, and become
mere pains and penalties.
Who that now " moves in
society" (to quote the
penny novelists) is not
weary of the endless en-
tremets and entries, and
and roll which he daily sees paraded? I like French
cookery in Francp, and don't object to it in England, provided it
bu good; but how rarely do I find it so! And what trench cook
would ever dream of blending French and English dishes in the
hugger-mugger way in which they mostly are presented her* ?
I say nothing of the snobbishness which leads pretentious people
to vie with one another in the length of their menus, and the dainti-
ness of their delicacies. I say nothing against pine-apples at two
guineas a slice, except that I object, myself, to eating money, and
have very little sympathy with CBIESUS and his friends, who take
delight in its consumption. I merely wish to heave a sigh over the
many weary hours which I now weekly have to waste, with my
napkin en my knees, and a simper on my lips, while waiters try to
lure me into gluttony and headache. Who can sit down nightly to
a first and second service of a score or so of dishes, with ices and
dessert, and coffee, and liqueurs, and wines of half a dozen sorts ;
all more or less injurious, and escape from taking much more than
is good for him 'i It is not in human nature always to resist the
temptations that beset it ; and though I daily make a vow that
never more shall British entrees make their entree down my throat,
yet I somehow nightly find that one or two of them have done so.
A man for a few seasons may dine out with impunity, but depend
on it Podagra will be his fate at last, unless his friends are sensible
and simplify their dinners.
I should like to set on foot, then, an Anti-Sybarite Society,
whereof the members should refuse to dine with any one who kept
them more than, say, an hour and half at table. Life is too short
for the lengthened banquets now in vogue, and I feel persuaded that
many of us nowadays might look for longer lives if we had but
shorter dinners. A bas leg entries ! I cry, therefore, " Farewell
you Cutelettts aux Cepkalfes, you Croquettes awj- Cauchemart, you
Timbales a la Dytptwtii ! Goodbye, Sweetbread, goodbye ! " Give
me good soup and hah and meat, and a salad for a relish, and I
would not exchange my menu for that of Epicurus.
So I beg leave to subscribe myself yours humbly,
The Orowlery, Friday. PETEB SIMPLE.
Their fraudulent use of it hag gone on for many years ; if a miti-
gated penalty of forty shillings for the first conviction do not check
it, heavier tines will be inflicted— please the pigs ; and they will be
pleased.
But now, this villanous commodity being such as it is, gentle
reader, what do you think it is called f By a Christian name, mark
that— JUDAS you would guess, allowing JUDAS to have been a
Christian. No, indeed, but by a Christian name which is a symbol
of probity, integrity, scrupulosity, veracity, and honour. This
Christian name was. originally, indeed, a Jewish one ; but may now
be taken to stand for the modern character of all the world the
particular one corresponding to that of an Israelite indeed without
guile. The powdered oat-husks which di«honest millers adulterate
meal withal is named JONATHAN !
INJUSTICE TO THE UNITED STATES.
A CASE of shameful misnomer has lately appeared in print. A
contemporary relates that, at Guisborough, some ten miles from
Stockton, a certain Miller was convicted the other day of having in
his possession sixty-three sacks of rubbish, supposed to be sawdust,
intended for the adulteration of meal, to wit, " Indian meal,
barley-meal, and pig-meal." As barley-meal's principal consumers
are the same as those of pig-meal, the admixture with those articles
of that stuff must be regarded as a heartless imposition on creatures
which, if they were not particularly noisy, might be termed dumb
animals. It must have painfully affected the poor brutes ; for the
material supposed to be sawdust turns out to consist of oat-hnsks
reduced to powder ; food about as nutritious and salutary as ground
glass. This detriment to pork and bacon is said to be manufactured
by a set of rogues at Montrose and at Newcastle. It is extensively
employed by millers of like species to the one of whom the song
says : —
" The Miller he stole com "—
—millers of the stamp of Grindoff in the Miller and his Men.
THE CHELSEA PATTERN.
MB. PTWCH, if he has not invented, has at least experienced a
new pleasure — that of having: to praise a body of Vestrymen.
WhiTbforeP The following extract from a column of news will
tell you : —
"A SrvTBB EXAMPLE. — The Chelsea Vestry have fined their dust-con-
tracton for the B division £150 for neglecting to remove the dust from
common dust-bin* and private establiihment«. They have decided also to
hire can, and remove some of the dust theouelves at the contractor*'
expenie."
Determination in punishing neglect of sanitary duty, and promp-
titude in taking steps to abate a nuisance, are distinctions for which
perhaps the reader sees a Vestry commended now for the first time.
It is remarkable that this Vestry happens to be the Chelsea, and
that the Chelsea Vestrymen have signalised themselves by chastising
neglectful dust-contractors and by setting themselves to work at
sweeping dust away. For, aa Posterity will recollect, in Ch*lwa
resides MB. THOMAS CAKLTIJ;. It may be conjectured that MR.
( 'A HI.V I.K has educated his parochial friends into a peculiarly vivid
perception of the necessity for dust-bins to have things swept into
them, and, when they get full, carted out of them from time to time.
The fellow-parishioners of MB. CiBLrtB have also perhaps been
impressed by him with some idea of the right way to deal with
Shams, snch, for instance, as remiss or fraudulent contractors. The
Chelsea Vestry could really not have done better both with dust and
dustmen, than what they have, if he had himself been one of them.
Indeed, many people will very likely suppose that MJI. CABLYLE is
their Chairman.
DANCING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
FOR all their delicate appearance, Young Ladies now-a-days must
be really very muscular. Especially just now, with the season at
its height, only fancy what prodigious feats they manage to perform.
Dressing, riding, lunching, shopping, driving, calling, " drumming,"
dining, and dancing every day until the small hours of the next, a
girl must have enormous physical endurance to lead for a few
weeks a London fashionable life. Besides, for the athletic work
which they go through, Young Ladies now are surely over-weighted
by the costume which they wear. For instance, just conceive how
much increased must be the labour of the ball-room, when per-
formers have to enter it in clothing such as this : —
"Ball-dresses have very long trains, two or three tunics, puffs as volu-
minous as paniers, and at times lace basques falling over the latter."
To perform a clog-dance or a hornpipe in fetters can hardly be
a feat more exhausting to the muscles than to execute a galop, or
even a quadrille, in apparel so voluminous as that which is
prescribed now for the fashionable world. For such active work as
dancing, common sense would surely order the lightest dress con-
ceivable ; but the mandates of the milliners are generally based on
the reverse of common sense. We therefore find that Venus, when
attired for the ball-room by the Graces of the period, is burthened
with a costume utterly unsuitable, and has to carry trains, and
tunics, and basques as big as baskets, and puffs as large as
paniers. These latter surely no one but a donkey would ever even
dream of bearing in a ball-room, and yet some ladies are so stupid
as to imitate that animal, at least in the matter of their fashionable
dress.
Priestly Authorship in Spain.
THE Carlist insurrection in Spain is described by the authorities
of Guipuscoa, in an official message to KINO AMADEO, as " a clerical
rebellion." Why is this clerical rebellion like a slip of the pen?
Because it is a clerical error. The Spanish Government will perhaps
enable the sacerdotal conspirators who have committed it to find out
their mistake.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1872.
A DISAPPOINTMENT.
Eligible Bachelor (gallantly). " OF BOURSE YOUR DAUGHTER 's ENGAGED TOK EVERY REMAINING DANCE, Mas. JONES ?
SCARCELY ASK SUCH A QUESTION ! "
Anxious Mamma (delighted). " No, INDEED, DEAR SIB JAMES —
Eligible Bachelor. " OH— ER— / AM ! "
I NEED
THE MINDLESS MASS.
BENEATH some fifteen stone, my Son,
The matron stout, oppressed, who groans,
Is like nnto a skeleton
For all the flesh upon her hones,
When youth are dancing at a hall,
And she sits by with back to wall.
In velvet, silk, or satin, she,
Though blooming, glorious to behold,
Resembles the Anatomy,
Mute guest at feasts with men of old ;
Not that her tongue is often still
Much more than a perennial rill.
But that her form and features say,
To maidens that can hear and see,
" Girls, such as you was I one day ;
As I am now so you will be.
Nail, therefore, husbands whilst you can
Still captivate the eye of man."
And thou, my Boy, that waltzest by,
The partner of a graceful belle,
Upon her Parent cast thine eye,
If thon art witched by Beauty's spell.
That little waist beneath thine hand,
Look, to what girth it may expand !
Make sure that there is that within
Thy charmer which will youth outlast,
And, through conditions fat or thin,
Conjoin thee with her ever fast.
Else, what bounds all her power to bless ?
Adipose tissue, more or less.
POLITICIANS AND PEDLERS.
THE Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition, in his speech delivered
to the Conservative Association at the Crystal Palace, described
certain Statesmen of the other party as "viewing everything from a
financial point, and totally omitting those moral and political con-
siderations which make nations great, and by the influence of which
alone individuals are distinguished from animals." This is an
objection to certain men and certain measures the like of which has
occasionally and not seldom been advanced by another than
MR. DISRAELI ; but that other, whom modesty here makes nameless,
has always, in connection such as the foregoing, called the creatures
therein contrasted with animals mankind or human beings, and not
individuals. He has also spoken of them as differentiated from
animals not by the influence of any political considerations, but by
moral faculties or senses, ingredients of their nature, commonly
sneered at as "sentimental" by gentlemen of some intelligence
indeed, but themselves sparingly endowed with any sentiment
superior to self-esteem. Very likely, however, the author of Con-
ingsby and Lothair has to thank a reporter for altering his language
from terms which would have been used by that ; other person, not
to say individual. But you must bear. The sense is all. It is too
true that there are persons who subordinate all other considerations
to financial objects, and that, by having done, and persisting in
endeavours to do so, they have disgusted, and continue to disgust,
those others who are distinguished from them by qualities which
also distinguish men from pigs. Financial economists and nothing
else, had luck to them in the grovelling policy to which they would
fain sacrifice Epping Forest.
Hit by a High Churchman.
ACCORDING to the Post, MR. BERESFORD-HOPE has described a
certain style of preaching as " rhetorical fireworks." Among such
fireworks, the Honourable Gentleman of course does not forget, may
be mentioned as especially objectionable, Roman Candles.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-^JuLT 6, 1872.
THE CONSERVATIVE PROGRAMME.
"DEPUTATION BELOW, SIR.-WANT TO KNOW THE CONSERVATIVE PROGRAMME."
RT. HON. BEN. Diz. " EH ?— OH !-AH !— YES !— QUITE SO I TELL THEM, MY GOOD ABERCORN, WITH MY
COMPLIMENTS, THAT WE PROPOSE TO RELY ON THE SUBLIME INSTINCTS OF AN ANCIENT PEOPLE ! ! "
[Set Speech at Crystal Palace.
JULY C, It 72.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Another Day at Little Shrimpton.
E expect
friend
ENGLEMORE'S letter received this morning.
my old
ENGLE-
MOKK down here.
We are adver-
tised of his inten-
tion by two tele-
grams on Satur-
day and a letter
received this day.
ENGLEMOBE is so
addicted to tele-
graphing that his
epistolary style
has considerably
suffered by a
jerky habit of
expressing him-
self which he has
acquired during
a long course of
what he colls
"wiring."
His first tele-
gram (for exam-
ple) is " Coming
morrow you there
wire."
This means " I
intend to come
down to Little
Shrimpton to-
morrow; will you
be there? If so
send an answer
by telegram." —
Happy Thought,
— In telegraph-
ing " Speech is
silver."
He abbreviates and
" beenng."
" Uuite right, too," he observes. " Never banting, now.
good enough for me. But I think you 're ri<rht about Mr. Suit
waters. I don't French or German myself. The Colonel"
initialises. " D. B." for instance with him means " Dear Boy."
Here it is :
D. B. How r ut at Met P. yesfdy. Asked him about L s. d.
No go. Saw T. Your bus. right. All on meeting. To you this
day comes Yours E,
There never was a man who was more the Complete-Incomplete
Letter-writer than E, I mean, ENGLEMOBK.
He has, too, a conversational method all his own. He is fond of
prefixing " Mr." to anything and everything, and alluding to him-
self as "Your little ENGLEMOBE." He is about six feet and has a
military bearing. His business, I believe, is that of an accountant
(whatever that may be), but he seems to be everybody's adviser,
and a general rule exists among his friends " When in doubt con-
sult KNCLKMOUE."
He arrives. In a white dustcoat, as natty and bright as if he
were going to escort a party of Ladies to Ascot or Goodwood. What-
ever the time of year, however dull the day, he has always a bright
flower in his button-hole ; and whatever the weather, and wherever
he has come from, his boots are always brilliant, his hat carefully
brushed and glossy, and his gloves apparently bran-new and
fitting perfectly. Winter is, rather than not, his time of year for
white waistcoats.
Happy Thought.— One ENGLEMORE doesn't make a summer.
My Aunt is much taken with him, and never having met him
before, behaves like all ENGLEMOBE'S friends do, and wishes to con-
sult him about her Rheumatic Neuralgia at once.
"Well," says ENGLEMOBE, briskly, "I don't care about Mister
Rheumatism. The Colonel here " -- this is another peculiarity of
ENGLEMOBE'S ; he gives everyone a title of some sort, but chiefly
military, when talking of them, or to them. In this instance, by
"Colonel" he means me. It's a little puzzling at first, but my
Aunt, obtaining the key from me, listens to him with perfect
equanimity - " The Colonel here remembers my being bedded by
it for ever so long. In came Mister Mustard-plaster and did the
trick."
verbs. To " beef " is with him, to eat much meat. To " banting "
is to be generally abstentious. My Aunt answers that she has
not as yet adopted any system in particular, but that, on the whole,
taking one day with another, she may look upon herself as
" beefing."
ow. Not
Sulphur-
(me
again) " here parleys, and he knows all the moves."
" I 'm told, says ay Aunt, " by others besides my nephew, that
the system of baths ana regimen is very enerveniag, or, at all event*),
predessing."
Hnppy Thought.— Evidently "enervating" and "depressing."
Repeat the words properly.
My Aunt turns upon me, rather shortly, with, " Well, I said so.
"But," says EXIJLKMORJS, cheerfully, ''You take the Captain"
(me, under a new title) " with you, and he '11 do Joey for you, and
make you beam."
My Aunt nods her head, smilingly. I am convinced that she has
only a very vague idea of EKKLEXOKE'S meaning. I have a glim-
mering of it. Should like to go.
After a silence, she says, " You '11 forgive, MB. ENGLEMOBE, my
obtusity. but what did you say my nephew could do P"
" Do Joey, Ma'am. Funnimmts. You 've seen Punch and J udy—
Punch with a stick, Joey the Clown round the corner."
Ifavpy Thought.— Wnen dull, "do Joey."
" You mean, he '11 amuse me J1 " asks my Aunt, evincing consider-
able intelligence.
" Quite so. Should like to come, too," he sap, considering the
matter; " but just now ooin is not my name. Your little ESOLE-
MOBS'S complaint is tick dolUrroo."
I see my Aunt's mind is made up. She says, " You can take me
over, and leave me with the GLTMPHTNS, who are staying at Aix,
and then you can see the German Farms— which is what my nephew
is interested in just now, MK. ENGLRMOBE "
" Ah, yes, capital chap, Mister Pig," he replies promptly, giving
his summary of all farming.
I tell him that I intend taking up the subject, practically and
scientifically, with a view, in fact, to letter F in Typical Develop-
ments.
"Ah, yes," he says, "heaps of coin out of that. Go in for
Mister Hothouse. Grapes three guineas a pound ; not good enough
for your little ENGLEMOBE. Write The Englishman's Chicken-
House Guide, or Out of the Pigstye into the Poultry. Mister Cock-
adoodle pays. So does Mister Turnips. Thousands.
Happy Thought.— Make thousands out of Mister Turnips.
Might (while I think of it) arrange for a small farm before I leave.
I suppose forms are to be let furnished ; furniture being pigs, cows,
cocks and hens, and — and— what else ? Odd, I can't think of any-
thing else. The Nurse and my two little Uncles can stay there.
Then I '11 leave my Aunt at Aix, examine German farming system,
return here, and introduce new plans and better systems in forming
all over the country.
Happy Thought.— Astonish MECHI. Introduce sulphur-baths for
cows. Also douche and vapour. Still, the sole object of my farming
must not be merely to astonish MECHI.
Happy Thought. — Introduce sulphur-baths at the Zoological
Gardens. Put the Leopard into one. Advertise, " Can the Leopard
change his spots? Yes, by taking sulphur-baths. Admission,
2s. 6d."
Arrangements. Leave ENGLEMORE to see about farm in my
absence. Take Aunt to Aix. Read up subject in meantime.
Happy Thought.— Many years since I was in Aix. Old friends.
Never been there during the season. Novelty.
My Aunt alludes to her friends, the GLYMFHTNS, being there, and
the MOMPISONS too. Do I remember AUATHA and JANITA Moxn-
SON ? I do. I know what my Aunt means. No. I devote myself
to Science— specially Farming. A Farming Hermit. Good name,
by the way, for a novel — The Reclute of Jiosedale farm.
Happy Thought. — Write it.
does him, " I fancy Mister Neuralgia was on in that scene somehow
My name was diet for weeks." Then suddenly turning to her,
" Do you beef, or banting ? "
Another peculiarity of ENGLEMOBE'S is his use of substantives as
MATRIMONIAL MUSIC.
WHEW highly fashionable people are married nowadays the
organist who assists at their nuptials always plays MENDELSSOHN'S
Wedding March. Very pretty for music in the Midsummer Night's
Dream ; but real marriage, and especially marriage in high life, is
a serious matter ; indeed a truly awful thing. A wedding march
should accordingly be characterised with corresponding solemnity ;
and suppose, therefore, that, now and then at least by way of
change, for congruity's sake, when an ill-matched bride and bride-
groom have been joined together in holy matrimony, the happy
couple and their attendants are played out of Church with the
Dead March in Saul.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
JULY C, 1872.
DE NOSE FABULA NARRATUR.
Politician (reading Mr. Disraeli's Speech). " ' TRUTHT TO THE THUBLIME INTHTINKTH
OF AN ANTHIENT PEOPLE.' — S'THELP MB, Mo', CONJNGTHBY MEANTH UTH 1 1"
DAMAGES REALLY DUE.
IT is not often that Mr. Punch has the pleasure of being able to congratulate
a Jury on a verdict for a plaintiff awarding compensation to a lady. That
pleasure, however, he may almost say, is now afforded to him by the result of
a case in the Court of Queen's Bench, Stcanborough and Wife v. The Metro-
politan Railway Company. This action was brought for injuries received on
that Railway owing to the admitted negligence of the defendants. The Jury
had only to assess damages, and they gave MBS. SWANBOBOITSH £1,600. This
sum, to be sure, was not one farthing too much for a scarred forehead, a per-
manently hurt neck, and concussion of the brain, which has disabled, and may,
but let us hope will not, for an indefinite time disable the plaintiff from follow-
ing her profession; the theatrical, as all the world knows. Moreover, her
surgeon's charges amounted to £50, and she is still under treatment. If the
Jury had given her twice, or three times, or four times as much, Mr. Punch
would have approved of their verdict so much the more. Railway Companies can
afford to pay for their carelessness, and the compensation for a career appa-
rently cut short ought indeed to be no less than an adequate provision for life.
Mr. Punch is disposed to appraise at a very low figure the lacerated
feelings for which Juries of husbands and fathers are apt to give the daughters
of parents of their own stamp damages against men who have been foolish
enough to promise them marriage, but not fools enough to keep a promise which,
if kept, would have insured an ill-assorted union for life, or an end of it in the
Probate and Divorce Court. But lacerated wounds of the forehead, and lacera-
tions of muscular and nervous fibre he accounts real torts, for which money in
payments proportionate to their severity is a due though an imperfect compen-
sation. Besides, he desires Juries to bear in mind that the integrity of his own
nose and his own hunch derives an additional safeguard from every award of
heavy damages against a Railway Company by whose defective arrangements
anybody else has sustained wounds or fractures, and that whatever tends to
make for his own bodily security tends also to make for the security of
everybody else.
PFBPOSE OF PBIESTCBAFT.
ULTBAMONTANE Priests, teaching Papal errors
Use, for mundane ends, ultramundane terrors.
THE KNIGHT OF BELGRAVIE.
" SAT, Maiden, wilt thou wed with me ?
Wilt be a soldier's bride ?
And bind thy husband's full-dress sash
Upon his manly side."
" Alas ! art thou a soldier, too ? "
The Maiden softly sighed.
" And art thou found in battle's front—
0 horrid sight to see ! —
"Waving a broken sword about,
And shouting ' Victory ' ? "
" Well, not exactly that," replied
The Knight of Belgravie..
" Then dost thou teach the boor to know
His left hand from his right ;
To march with footsteps anserine '(
Ah me ! a gruesome sight."
" Well no ; not quite so bad as that,"
Exclaimed the gallant Knight.
" Come tell me then, Sir Knight ; if thou
Art neither of these two,
What sort of men dost thon command,
And what is it they do ? "
" In truth," the Knight replied, " they are
A somewhat motley crew.
" Some are hard-handed sons of toil ;
Some are incipient fops ;
Some walk about in broadcloth coats,
And some in canvas slops.
Some come from factories, and some
From linendrapers' shops.
" But, in a natty dress of grey
We meet upon parade ;
Mine, to denote superior rank,
Bound round with silver braid."
" 0, what a lovely uniform ! "
Exclaimed th' enraptured Maid.
" Platoon and manual I rehearse,
As oft before I "ve done,
Out of a little red-bound book :
They seem to think it fun :
Some recollect a slight amount,
But most remember none.
" Anon, I march them out of town,
To sound of fife and drum.
They bravely march ; and only halt
When to a ' pub ' they come ;
And then they flint they 'd like some beer,
And I provide them some.
" That 's all, sweet Maiden ; for my life
Thou 'It ne'er have cause for fear :
The danger 's small, or none at all ;
The duties not severe.
Indeed, I seldom go to drill
A dozen times a year."
" My love, if this indeed be true,
That thou hast told to me,
I will consent to be thy bride."
So spake the fair Ladye.
" Thou showest common sense," remarked
The Knight of Belgravie.
More Left than Right.
M. THIEES would be most happy to govern on Conser-
vative principles and conserve the Republic. Would
Messieurs the Delegates from the Cote Droit " pledge
themselves to give to the Government a loyal support,
free from dynastic predilections '(" The Bourbonic
"Droitiers" who had waited on the President to press
their own Conservative views on him were shut up.
The Cote Droit, finding that they had come on a fooPs
errand, felt themselves in so awkward a position as to-
make them rather fit to be called a Cote Gauche.
JOLT 6, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A VOICE FROM THE VALLEYS.
OUB streams, of old,
In England, rolled
With clear and crystal waters.
But only think
What stuff to drink
They are, my sons and daughters.
This land, we know,
Of ours doth flow
Not now with milk and honey,
But other things,
That taint our springs ;
They might be turned to money.
Then, brother Clowns,
Would pur large town*
Of a good gift be givers,
And have our thanks :
They 'd feed our tanks,
And not pollute our rivers.
Meum and Tuum.
TEX Mines Regulation Bill imposes restrictions on the
employment of women and children in mines, knowingly.
This last word is a superaddition to the original clause,
made in the mine-owners' intereat, of course without any
idea of aiding evasion, which, also of course, however, it
will facilitate. Employers who overwork the employed
rob them of health and strength, and the Mines Regula-
tion Bill will not answer its purpose unless it obliges
every mine-owner to observe the distiuction between
mine and thine.
Flower* of Loveliness.
0 THOTJ sweet Rose in virgin bloom,
Thou art a thing to see,
Like BELLA graced in choice costume,
But far the fairer she !
How fair thou art thou canst not tell,
Thou silent, senseless Rose ;
But she knows how she looks full well :
And that is all she knows.
THE RULING PASSION.
Fashionable Patroness (to Charity Girl who has 'been away for a Holiday). ' ' Wja.1,
BKTST JAMB, AND WHAT DID TOTJ Do WHKN YOU WENT TO S«K TOPE FBONDS f "
Betty Jane. " PLBASB, M'ic, / WORS A PAiraa f "
THE MARRIAGE LICENSING SYSTEM.
A THOUGHTFUL Contemporary fears for the prospects of agricul-
ture, seeing that the town is everywhere extending itself into the
country. If there is to be no end of this extension, the abolition of
the country by the town is only a question of time. We know who
made the country, and who made the town ; and the works of the
latter, and his factories in this country, are an improvement of Beauty,
not on but off the face of Creation. People who have yet many years
to live have an ugly prospect before them. As the towns increase
the country must decrease. Merry England that once was must
lose mirth daily, and sink by degrees into dreary England. Nothing
can prevent this result but the arrest of our ever-increasing num-
bers. The population must, if the country is to co-exist with the
town, become stationary. Is it not possible, in the interests of the
country, to get up an United Kingdom Anti-Matrimonial Alliance ?
Were such a League established, it would surely be honoured with
the patronage of DB. MANNING. His order have ever shown them-
selves more zealous for the promotion of. celibacy than even of
sobriety.
If a majority cannot possibly tyrannise over a minority, there can
be no tyranny in a Permissive Prohibitory Marriage Law. It could
be made to work full as well as a corresponding Liquor Law, by the
unsparing infliction of sufficient penalties.
Agricultural Societies have been accustomed to award prizes to
farm-labourers for, amongst other merits, that of having reared
large families of children. This policy might now be reversed, and,
with that difference, adopted in the centres of manufacturing in-
dustry ; the recipients of medals, money, articles of clothing, and
the like gratuities, being old bachelors and old maids. But it is to
be feared that the manufacturers, if not the farmers too, would
object to a limitation of hands that would hardly tend to lower the
rate of wages.
It may be said that a ref onn of the Marriage Licensing System is
requisite to regulate population, but that would not strike at the
root of the evil. The increase and multiplication whereby this island
is becoming too small for its inhabitants, are chiefly due to the
besetting carelessness of the working classes, whose members, for
the most part, marry by banns, and not by licence. To keep them
within the bounds necessary for the preservation of all that yet
remains of merry England, no measure will be effectual which is
not, to the extent of at least a Permissive Prohibitory Law, com-
pulsory. What should hinder the formation of an Anti-Matrimo-
nial Alliance P Surely there is no want of people who bare not
enough to do to mind their own business.
HONOUR TO HARVEY.
THE Tercentenary of HARVEY'S birth is approaching. HARVEY
was born at Folkestone, in 1578. The Folkestone people propose to
commemorate his tercentenary by erecting a statue of him. A
Committee has been formed to carry out this design, which, like
almost every other that is good for anything, cannot be accomplished
without money. Donations in aid thereof can be made payable to
the " Harvey Tercentenary Memorial Fund" at the Western Branch
of the Bank of England.Burlington Gardens, London. Should
j HABVEY have a Statue ? We should think so, if he were only the
inventor of the sauce which bears his name. That, to be sure, was
not the Folkestone HABVEY. who, however, if no Gastronomer, was
a great Physician, and at least discovered the Circulation of the
Blood.
Slumber.
How sound and sweet is the sleep which follows a long day's
toil ! The Omnibus Conductor, for example, when at last he retires
to his well-earned rest, realising the truth of the poet THOMSON'S
line, may be said to be :—
" Content, and careless of to-morrow's fare."
10
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 6, 1872.
A SUGGESTION FOR THE PARK TOILETTE A LA SHEPHERDESS.
WHY HALF COP? THE OLD COSTUMES 1 MUCH BETTER COME OUT IN THIS STYLE AT ONCE.
APPROPRIATE ANTHEM P
PRINCE ARTHUR, on his late visit to Birmingham, was presented,
in the Town Hall by the Town Clerk, with an address from the
Mayor and Corporation of that City. His Royal Highness made a
brief and appropriate reply. According to the report of a con-
temporary : —
"The choir then sung the ' Hallelujah ' chorus from Handel's Messiah,
and with this the proceedings at the Town Hall ended."
Taking this statement for granted, what, one thinks, could the
municipal authorities have been thinking of when they made their
musical arrangements ? That the Hallelujah Chorus was as appro-
priate to a loyal demonstration as Non nobis Domine is for grace
after dinner '( They did not, in imagination, mix up PKIKCE
ARTHUR with the late DUKE OF YORK, and appoint an anthem to be
sung m recognition of his rank as a supposed ecclesiastical dignitary,
iney did not fancy that PRINCE ARTHUR is the BISHOP OP OSNA-
Buao, did they ? But another contemporary says that on the con-
clusion of PRINCE ARTHUR'S speech, the choir struck up God Save
the Queen. That, if sung, was the right anthem, of course. But
who shall decide when Reporters disagree ? There is one at least
who does not know the National Anthem from the Hallelujah
Chorus.
Test for Teetotallers.
THBBE is wanting, it is said, a test by which drunkenness can be
tried. Ihat which is a test for sobriety is a test for drunkenness,
and it has long been allowed that sobriety is demonstrable by
ability to say distinctly, " The British Constitution." Thus drun-
kenness can be determined by a Constitutional Test. Of course a
really habitual drunkard would never be able to say " British Con-
stitution " at all. He would say, " Brishcoshtoosh'n "
NOTICE TO JESUITS.
THEATRE Imperial, Germany. No Orders Admitted. BISMABCK,
btage Manager.
STONES FROM THE SKY.
" LET us pray, and a stone will fall
Which shall overthrow that Colossus,"
Says the POPE, in his audience-hall,
While we genuflect and cross us.
" Let us pray that an aerolite,"
We suppose, with cautious lowliness,
" May the German Empire smite,"
Is the meaning of His Holiness.
As the POPE'S Bull, we know too well,
Is against a Comet unerring,
So an Asteroid 't will compel
To pound you dead as a herring.
Stars shoot, BISMARCK, from their spheres,
Twice a year, at least, remember.
You '11 have meteors about your ears
In next August, or next November.
A Cool Idea.
IT has been proposed that a deputation from the Dangerous Classes
should, as early as possible, wait upon the HOME SECRETARY, to
request the Right Honourable Gentleman to direct that, during the
continuance of hot weather, Her Majesty's gaols shall be supplied
with a sufficient quantity of ice for the use of the prisoners therein
confined ; an additional allowance to be issued to convicts coming
off the treadmill.
MOTTO FOR THE GUN CLUB.— " Yonder Dove shall be my mark."
Der Freischutz.
Printed by Jo,ephs™ilh."f No 24 Holford Square, in the Partih of St. Jam.,, Cl-rkenwell, in the County of Middle.-*, at the Printing riffle.., of Mewr.. Bradbury, Evan., A Co., Lombard
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriar., in the City of London, and Publuhei bj him at No. M, Fleet Street, in the Parish of at. Bride, City of London.-8.ro a»»T, July «, Ml.
JULT 13, 1872 ]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
11
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, July 1. —
Mu. I.OWK said
one of his pleasant
things. There was
question on the
hardships of the
Temporary Writers
in the Civil Ser-
vice, who appear
to have many
things to complain
of. Among others,
their holidays have
been taken away.
MB. LOWE said he
had not the least
objection to give
them any amount
of holidays they
liked to take, but
that during holi-
days, he should not
pay them, of course.
Punch does not
quite see this "of
course." Public
money must be
economically spent,
but there is true
economy in giving
a valuable servant
occasional relaxa-
tion, without fining
him.
ME. GLADSTONE
begged to hold out
no hopes that he
should try to pass
the Wife's Sister's
Marriage Bill this
year. So the Bill
was withdrawn
once more.
We then gave ourselves up to miscellaneous talk about parks,
gardens, fountains. Art, frescoes, mosaics, and other pleasant topics.
ME. OSBORNE said that the DUKE OF WELLINGTON'S nose (in
MACLISB'S great picture) had dropped from his face. ME. ALDER-
MAN LUSK complained that a plain man could not understand Art-
criticism. We know many handsome men who are equally in the
dark. SIB JOHN TKELAWNET proposed that bathing-houses, repre-
senting islands, should be set up in the Serpentine. MR. HOPE
wished acacias and laburnums to be planted in the Parks instead of
evergreens. Ma. BOWKING asserted that gas was destroying the
House's Library. ME. MACFIB wished to improve the Ladies'
Gallery. In fact we had a delightful conversazione, enlivened by
voting large sums of money for all sorts of agreeable purposes.
Then we grew stern, over the Lords' Alterations in the Ballot Bill,
and MK. GLADSTONE launched at MR. CAVENDISH BENTINCK so mag-
nificent a piece of irony that it must be transmitted to posterity : —
" Ma. GLADSTONE. — The Hon. Member who has just sat down must recol-
lect that those who meet him in debate do not meet him on equal terms. He
never makes any miitakes — (laughter) — he ia not subject to any human in-
firmity ; he knows what a man can deny, and what not. The Hon. Member's
means of acquiring knowledge are derived from higher source* than are avail-
able to us— sources of which we know nothing, and to which we have no
access. We must approach him as infirm mortals, and any suggestions we
make must be submitted to his infallible judgment. If he disapprove, we
must submit to whatever chastisement he in the plenitude of his wisdom may
think proper to inflict."
After this we declined to accept any of the Lords' Amendment!,
except some of no importance, and their proposal to make the Ballot
a temporary measure, was rejected by 246 to 165— majority 81.
Tuesday.— The Lords appointed the following Monday for the
consideration of the Ballot Bill. Storm impending.
ME. LEITH, just elected for Aberdeen, took his seat. Hereby
hangeth a tale. There was another Liberal in the field, in whoee
fav9ur ME. LEITH would hare withdrawn, but his popularity in his
native town made this impossible. Then a warning message was
received from the Political Committee of the Reform Club, imploring
the Aberdeen Liberals not to support ME. LEITH, lest the division
of interest should let in a Tory. The warning was disregarded,
with perfect safety, for 6000 Liberals voted against 600 Conserva-
tives. ME. LErrn had about double the number of his antagonist's
votes. That was the answer to Pall Mall. Then the Political Com-
mittee asserted that they had sent no message. But it seems that
though they did not do so officially, some of the Committee united
to dispatch the telegraph. Moral, the P. C. in Pall Mall do not
seem well posted up in electioneering details. However, MR. LKITII,
who is a man of high talent and exceeding good sense, is elected,
and there is a douhly satisfactory end— a good election made, and
dictation repelled.
MB. Mi ALL then brought forward his very long-threatened Motion
touching the Church of England. Hut this time he roared like a
Bucking dove. He did not move to pull down the Church ; he only
wished for inquiry into her property. MB. CCHITT proposed to turn
the tables by inquiry into the property of Dissenters. MR. GLAD-
STONE referred to what he had said last year, when he told MR.
Mi \LL that to convert the House into an enemy of the Church, he
must first convert the people of England. He had not done §p, as
was shown by his merely asking tor information on tliu cubject,
with a view to future proposals which the Government were not
inclined to welcome, or to promise to welcome in the future. So
Mu. MUM, was defeated by 295 to !M. Last year, on the bolder
proposal, he had 84, but the majority on the other side was much
larger. Clearly it is not Mu. MIALL who will bo allowed to ex-
tinguish the Church— the Church, tide Cartoon, extinguishing him.
Wednesday.— Sra CHARLES DILKF. proposed a Bill for laying hold
of all Corporation land, and dividing; it into districts, with a view to
its being more profitably used. The ATTOHNET-GF.NERAJ.'S power of
epithet came to his aid : he called the Bill crude, idle, destructive,
sweeping, and revolutionary, and the House rejected it by 184 to 17.
There was talk of the usual sort over the foolish and tyrannical
Bill for preventing the Sale of Liquor on Sundays, and this lasted
till the House rose. There can be no difference of opinion among
rational men as to the absurdity of such propositions, but the argu-
ments against them are not strengthened by reference to the Clubs.
These are private establishments, supported by a union of sub-
scribers, and it would be a good thing if the humbler classes got u_p
their own Clubs on similar principles, adapting the details to their
own habits. Mr. Punch was sorry to read nonsense on the other
side — Members suggesting that the humbler class might buy their
beer, fish, and the like on Saturday, for Sunday. Where are they
to keep such things ? Is a refrigerator, with a weekly hundred
pounds of ice, usually part of an artisan's furniture ? To read such
stuff, with the thermometer at 80°, makes Mr. Punch savager than
a philosopher and philanthropist and philanderer ought to be. Iced
Seltzer and cognac on the instant, Slave 1
Thursday.— The Lords read a Second Time the Bill for protecting
children against those who cruelly train them to become acrobat*.
LOBD SHAFTESBUBT told two piteous stories about the way the poor
little creatures are maltreated. Acrobatic exhibitions can please
only the lower class of folks — well dressed or not ; and it is not for
their delectation that we ought to leave infants to be tortured. There
ia no sentimentality about this interference. Ho child can learn to
perform unnatural feats until it has undergone treatment which
should send its tormentors to the treadmill.
MR. HBNBY JAMES gave a gallant notice, in re the Keogh question,
to the effect that he would ask the House to declare that the priests
grossly misconducted themselves at the Galway election, and that
they should be prevented from doing so another time. This will
bring matters to an issue, and we shall hear what the Imperial Par-
liament says about folks who burn Judges in effigy, and tend
widows' caps to their wives.
The Mines Bill was proceeded with, and fresh attempts were made
to destroy its stringent character, but by means of compromise we
prevented any further important detriment to the Bill. The fact
that some mine-owners do everything in their power to prevent
disaster, is no reason why all should not be compelled to do the
same. While the House is on the subject, what is to be done with
miners who break open their safety-lamps for the sake of lighting
their pipes ? Mr. Punch has been informed that after an explosion,
many lamps are found to have been thus madly tampered with.
Friday.— The Lords read the Scottish Education Bill a Second
Time, but the DUKE OF RICHMOND gave notice that he should put
more religion into it. To say this to the DUKE OF ARGYLL, Defender
of the Faith in Scotland, demanded that courage which we are so
proud to behold in our Aristocracy.
Mines, in the Commons, and some curious revelations about the
mode in which mine doctors are selected. Some, and often perfectly
incompetent men, are supplied by the owner ; others are chosen by
the men, who always vote, not on the doctor's merits, but in regard
to the quantity of Beer with which he treaU them. There was talk
on Egypt. Money was voted, as somebody said, in a " spasmodic "
manner, and MR. WHALLET made a ludicrous exhibition of his sym-
pathy with CASTHO, whose case he tried to drag in by the head and
shoulders, but was told that the House was " dead against him," so
he collapsed.
VOL. LXJII.
12
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1872.
"JUST HINT A FAULT."
LITTLE TOMMY BODKIN TAKES HIS COUSINS TO THE GALLERY OF THE OPERA.
Pretty Jemima (who i$ always so considerate). " TOM, DEAR, DON'T YOU THINK
YOtr HAD BETTER TAKE OlTF YOUE HAT, ON ACCOUNT OF THE POOK PEOPLE
BEHIND, YOU KNOW I "
TO SPIRITUALISTS.
AT least we suppose 'the following advertisement must have been written by
some one who has, or desires to have " communications," with the Unseen.
A GENTLEMAN wishes to KECOMMEND his COACHMAN, who is leaving
THROUGH DEATH. He is sober, steady, honest, and trustworthy. Thoroughly
understands his duties. Married, no family. Personal character given. Address, &c. &c.
Of course the decease of one of the parties legitimately terminates the contract
between master and servant, and Death, no doubt, affords such an oppor-
tunity to a servant for leaving a place, no matter how good, and "bettering
himself," as is not often met with, during even the longest lifetime. But, on
the above supposition, the Coachman, after giving the usual month's notice
and quitting his place for a far superior berth, would not stand in need of
any special recommendation from his master.
Yet if it be certain that Apollo, Manager of the Sun, doet drive a chariot
round one of the Pleiades, the missing link in the solar system (though the
notion of the San going round a link does seem absurd), then there may be
a vacancy for a skilled Jehu, who is " sober, steady"— not like that reckless
young blood, Phaethon— " honest and trustworthy." In this case Apollo would
accept a driver coming even from a respectable Mews ; that is, any one of the
nine. But, Di inferi ! does Pluto still keep a carriage ? He did once, and
Ma. DISKAELI painted it— in words. If so, there's an occupation for the
excellent Coachman in question. Now, in fact, is Pluto's chance. Proserpine,
like other fashionable ladies, is probably in town (she has her six months
Routing" as of old), and as "Personal Character given " is one of the condi-
tions, the Royal Lady can see the gentleman herself. Every one must sincerely
hope that the honest Coachman will obtain the appointment, because " Neces-
sity" will forthwith cease to "compel," for the proverb "needs must," &o.,
will cease to have any force when Somebody else drives. By-the-way, many a
Cantab will remember that " DEATH AND DTSON (die-soon) " used to keep
livery stables largely patronised by the University men. If DEATH is still alive,
perhaps it is he who has taken this worthy Coachman into his service. We
hope he '11 be comfortable in his new place, wherever it is.
"WHY SHOULD THE POOR BE
FLATTERED?"
Hamlet, Act v. So. 1.
" WHY should the Poor be nattered ? "
Art foolish, Hamlet, trow ?
All else are torn and tattered,
None else are flattered now.
Your Clown, our race accusing,
Declared our wits astray :
We beat him at abusing
Ourselves. Behold our way I
Our QUEEN mis-spends her income,
Her Court 's all fashion's slaves,
The Lords are feeble Ninkum-
Poops, and the Commons, knaves.
Our soldiers are no fighters,
Our sailors cannot sail,
Our bishops shame their mitres,
Our merchants cheat and fail.
Our doctors live by quacking,
Our lawyers lie for fees,
Our authors' brains are lacking,
Our priests teach what they please.
Our matrons hear " two-meaning,"
Are not averse to schnappes,
Our maidens boast a leaning
To Popes— or pigeon-traps.
Our sculptors can't make figures,
Our painters vamp and scamp,
Our minstrels might please niggers,
Our players lounge or stamp.
Our architects are Vandals,
Unfit to rear a stone ;
Our music-writers Handels
To no ears but their own.
Only the so-called Worker,
The Stalwart Son of Toil,
Never from that a shirker,
Never in brawl or broil.
That sober, saving Being,
The nation's "heart and core,"
Him we are all agreeing
To flatter — and much more.
For him we muzzle quoters
Of SMITH or MAMHUS laws,
For him we muzzle voters,
Would muzzle thirsty jaws.
For him we spurn the maxim
" Only the taught should rule."
One who would teach or tax him
Would now be called a fool.
" Why should the poor be flattered ? "
You pause for a reply —
But, if our brains are battered,
Dear Hamlet, don't ask why.
Good Colours.
A rouge et noir exhibition in London we should strongly
deprecate, and a black and blue one is, unfortunately,
rather too common a sight in our streets ; but a Black
and White Exhibition, such as is now open at the
Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, deserves a word of hearty
recommendation to all who find pleasure in looking at
admirable drawings, etchings, and engravings. We
hope the promoters of this novel and interesting exhi-
bition will find it draw.
EIGHT SORT OF CHAIRMAN.
AN International Prison Congress has been held in
London. Necessary but gloomy. The members must
have felt cheered at finding their first day's proceedings
were to he presided over by a gentleman with the
exhilarating name of — WINES.
JOLT 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAK!.
13
ART-CRITICISM.
First Aberdonian (from the Road). " FAT'S THB MAN-NIK EEBIN' 1 "
Second Ditto (who has got over the Wall to inspect). " HE'S DBA.AIN' wi' PAINT."
First Soy. "FAT'S HE DRAAIX' 1 Is 'T BONNY?"
Second Ditto (after a pause, critically). " 0, NA, IT 's ONYTHINQ BUT BONNY 1 1 "
RITUALISM WELL REPORTED.
THE Church of St. Michael, Southampton, has beett, as ME.
O'BRALLAGHAN says, renovated iutlie old style. It has been restored,
as to its interior, as nearly as may be, to what may be supposed to
have been its original conditions. The services performed at its
re-opening on Thursday last week, were also assimilated, as closely
as the law laid down by the Privy Council allows, to those originally
celebrated within its walls ; and they constituted, in outwara show,
a sort of serious caricature of the Roman Catholic Mass and Vespers.
Such at least they appear to have been from a report in the Hamp-
shire Independent^ not, the following 'extract from it may be thought
to indicate, supplied by a very decided Ritualist : —
"In the evening the sermon was preached by the REV. RtcHARD C.
WILKINS, of Swanmore, near Kyde. The service wa» opened, as in the morn-
ing, with a processional hymn, with the upholding of crosses and banners, and
the procession this time was headed by an acolyte bearing in his right hand a
paten and in his left a censer containing burning incense, which he waved all
through the line of march, and its sickly smell pervaded the sacred edifice for
some considerable time."
As tastes differ, so do sensations of odour, in different persons ;
what is one man's nosegay is another man's nuisance : apples com-
mend themselves to these nostrils, onions to those. The reporter
above quoted is affected by incense considerably otherwise than the
disciples of the Romanesque parsons are. " Its sickly smell per-
vaded the sacred edifice." This is his delicate professional way of
expressing a sense of unpleasantness, of which the like has found
coarse though poetical utterance in the downright declaration —
" You can't think how my nose it pain;,
Though I turns it another way, man."
He would likewise turn his nose away from the fumes whose
"sickly smell pervaded the sacred edifice." For other noses the
censer may exhale sweets ; for his it emits offence ; but what is
more, our Protestant Reporter is a type of a class not to be led by
the nose. They will never be perverted to sham Popery by per-
fumes, how grateful soever to their noses ; nor will they ever be
any the more disposed to believe in mimic Priests affecting to say
mass in one of the National churches, because, for their olfactory
organ, the sacred edifice is pervaded by a delicious fragrance. They
would rather, sorry as they might be to, see the sacred edifice
devastated by the devouring element.
BLUNDERS IN VOTE BY BALLOT.
IN an article on the Ballot Bill, the Post observes : —
" From the experience of the London School Board election, it is probable
that under the Ballot Bill some electors will hare their papers cancelled
because they have marked them incorrectly ; and it is by no means an ex-
treme supposition that in a few oases it will turn out that electors have,
through ignorance or stupidity, voted for the wrong man."
These probabilities are perhaps the strongest of all arguments for
the Ballot. Voters who mark their papers incorrectly are not very
likely to give judicious votes. Electors who shall have, through
ignorance or stupidity, voted for the wrong man in their notion,
will very likely have voted for the right man in reality.
Nickname of Never.
M. ROUHEB, the ex-Imperial Minister, made, when in office, a
declaration about Italy going to Rome, which, though memorable,
seems to have been forgotten. On presenting himself the other day
in the National Assembly at Versailles, to speak at the Tribune,
M. RorjHKR was saluted with shouts of " Murderer ! " ' Traitor ! '
" Shameless! " But so forgetful were his enemies that not one of
them cried " MONSIEUR JAMAIS 1 "
14
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1872.
CASTRO AND HIS FRIENDS.
HE Person who is to
be tried under the
name of CASTRO,
with aliases, has
been continuing to
stump the country,
and has been duly
supported by MR.
ONSLOW, and by
MB. WHALLEY,
who has spoken of
the present Baronet
as an unhappy little
Infant in the hands
of the Jesuits. Mr.
Punch would wil-
lingly drop the
subject, until CAS-
TRO s appearance
in the dock, for if
the reports of his
speeches be ac-
curate, he has been
publicly using, in
regard to his pro-
secutor, language
so atrocious that Mr. Punch will only say that it is worthy of the
user. The respectable Southampton paper which notices the
speeches abstains from printing the words, indicating them only in
the way usual when foul language is charged against a prisoner at
Bow Street. "We hope that we misread the report in inferring that
two Members of Parliament sanctioned such loathsome brutality by
their presence. Perhaps they had left the room.
However, the following letter may amuse readers. It is sent to
Mr. Punch by another patron of CASTBO, and illustrates so happily
the condition of mind that can tolerate his imposture, that though
Mr. Punch is rather severely handled, he prints the castigation:—
"DEAR ME. PUNCH,
" thear ie an old Tale and it is this it is not a lie if you do not stick
to it now my Dear Mr. Punch you are oce of this Tribe and I belefe you to
be nothing else you quoted Dr Wats and then you charge the claimant in
that way as been a Lire in his yunger Days.
" you are against him and you can not say any other than you are Backing
all the villany against him now Sir if you belve him to arthur orton why
not Prove him to be. the attorny genral knows to his own sorrow that he
his not arthur orton and you know as well also I think Mr. Punch you
have got a Tip Like a great many more of the Publisher and you are parming
your ugly snout in wearever you can upper X Mr. Punch munkey on the
Stick Mr. Punch all Bosh Mr. Punch the Claimant asumed the name of
Thomas Castro to hide himself from Family Trubles but you bide yourself
from the Public because you are ashamed of your name been known for
writing and Editing sutch foolish Rubish thearfore you are a thousand Times
worse than the Claimant
"I am Sir
" your old Friend if you give over Lieing
"DR FOSTVS."
SLAVES OF THE OVEN.
THE journeymen Bakers of London threaten a strike, and if that
occurs, and their masters also combine in a lock-out, the richest
even of the inhabitants of this metropolis may find some difficulty in
getting their bread. The study of COBBETT'S Cottage Economy may
in the meanwhile be recommended to young ladies of quality, from
Princesses downwards. However, it is possible to do without
bread, as SAWNEY kens, and PADDY can testify. The chief or only
results of a general Bakers' strike would probably be a more general
recourse to oatmeal " parritch," and increase in the business of
potato-salesmen. Then, after a time, the state of things in the
Bakehouses would most likely revert to what it was. Considerations
of this kind may tend to allay the apprehension that, what with
a Builders' Strike and a Bakers' Strike, we shall soon be without
bread to eat or a roof over our heads. There is this to be said,
though, for the working Bakers ; in the first place that they are
really very much overworked, and, in the next, that over-work is
all they menace a strike for. According to a contemporary : —
"The men are not going in for ' nine hours," but modestly ask for twelve
consecutive hours out of the twenty-four, and no increase of pay. They com-
plain that the present hours, averaging eighteen, ia killing them, and urge
that the same amount of work can be done in twelve as in eighteen hours."
Snrely eighteen hours' work a day, and that Bakers' work,
amounts to more than ordinarily penal hard labour, and there is
reason to hope that the economy of their time demanded by them
would, as they argue, be no loss to their employers. Bakers' work
is very hot work ; the effect of heat on their system is remarkable :
and the bread we eat would be all the nicer if we were assured that
cool fists had kneaded it.
NEW COMPANIES.
THE following Companies have been registered during the past
week : —
CAPITAL.
Melton Mowbray and Midland Coun-
ties Pork-pie £1000 in £1 shares.
Mid- World Railway .... £100,000,000 in £100 shares.
American Drinks and Summer Beverages £5000 in £5 shares.
Imitation Jewellery .... £100,000 in £10 shares.
London Sausage £7,500 in £2 10s. shares.
Great Desert Fertilisation . . . £2,000,000 in £25 shares.
Simple Corkscrew .... £500 in £1 shares.
South Sea Islands, Gas, Water, Mar-
kets, Museums, Musical Enter-
tainments, Penny Readings,
Popular Lectures, Public Libra-
ries, Town Halls, and Baths and
Wash-houses £250,000 in £10 shares.
Constantinople Cab and Omnibus . £50,000 in £5 shares.
Crowded Thoroughfares Summer Iced
Fountains . . . . . . £10,000 in £1 shares.
Hills and Mountains Universal Level-
ling £50,000,000 in £50 shares.
Claymarsh and Strugglethorpe Public
Covered Skittle-Ground . . £75 in 10s. shares.
Metropolitan, Provincial, Suburban,
Continental, Inter-Oceanic and
Inter - Colonial Penny Parcels
Delivery . . . . £1,000,000 in £25 shares.
Temporary and Occasional Honest,
Attentive, and Teetotal Waiters . £2500 in £2 10s. shares.
Historical Novel, Epic Poem, and Five-
Act Tragedy Publishing . . £5000 in £5Jshares.
Transportation of Great Pyramid of
Egypt to Lincoln's Inn Fields . £100,000 in £10 shares.
Metropolitan and Provincial Open Air
Pine Apple Cultivation. . . £10,000 in £1 shares.
Spanish Armada Recovery . . . £500,000 in £5 shares.
Himalayan Tramways. . . . £2,000,000 in £20 shares.
Cheerful Newspaper .... £3000 in £3 shares.
Great Wall of China Bill-Posting . £150,000 in £2 10s. shares.
Railway Embankments, and Telegraph
Poles Utilisation .... £40,000 in £4 shares.
Village Ices £25,000 in £2 shares.
Croquet Implements .... £5000 in £1 shares.
Quill Pen Mending .... £1000 in £1 shares.
Bath and All England Brick and Bun £15,000 in £3 shares.
BEEF AND BOTANY BAY.
INMATES of the workhouse are not generally supplied at the
breakfast table with the morning papers. If they were, the mouths
of most of those paupers able to read might have been caused to
water by the following extract from a contemporary : —
"At the Essex Quarter Sessions, on Tuesday, the chairman (MR. J. W.
PERKY WATLINOTON) quoted statistics to show that the county had effected a
saving of 30 or 40 per cent, by the use of Australian meat in the county gaol
at Springfield."
This announcement would perhaps suggest to the mind of the
pauper, over a measure of skUligolee, an invidious comparison be-
tween that preparation and potted beef, mutton, or kangaroo-tail
soup, and likewise between the workhouse and the gaol. Neverthe-
less, Society is to be congratulated on the saving effected by feeding
its worthless members on Australian meat. .But how unfortunate it
is that they can now no more be sent to eat it in Australia.
Sunday Lions for the Select.
HEHE, by telegram from Paris, is a text for a Sabbatarian sermon :
" The formal opening of the Lyons Exhibition is fixed for next Sunday."
The preacher's congregation, however, might require to be in-
formed that the Lyons Exhibition is not a menagerie, and that, if it
were, we should have a pattern to it, though insufficiently close, in
the exclusive exhibition which the select classes are privileged to
enjoy on Sundays at the Zoological Gardens.
JULY 13, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
15
EXAMINATIONS AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
T W9uld be a great
saving of time to
people visiting the
Royal Academy
Exhibition if tho
really good pictures
there were all of
them collected to-
gether in one room.
They might be, and
would coyer but a
part of its walls.
Tho works of high
merit are not nu-
merous. How to
multiply them ?
Deyelope genius,
This might be done
in Art as it is done
in Science, and by
the same means.
The Royal Aca-
demy, as a body
representing a Pro-
fession, presents the
one exception to the
now general rule of
requiring all can-
didates for mem-
bership) or a diploma to pass a strict examination. Thus, as regards
education, the Royal Academy is not up to the mark, and is
behind the times, and unequal to the spirit of the age. Let it,
therefore, reform itself in respect of this inferiority and backward-
ness by instituting the same system of examination as that which
is producing such grand results in other departments than its own
of mental business whose advancement is effected by the inventive
faculties. If the examinations are rendered competitive, all the
better. Let every candidate for admission, in the first place, as an
Exhibitor at the Royal Academy, be minutely examined as to the
following particulars, more or less nearly connected with the art of
Painting, and with a few exceptions, that of Sculpture : — Brushes—
the various bristles and hairs they are made of, the animals which
furnish them, the class and order of each animal, its nature and
habits. Paints — different, the chemistry of, their specific gravity
and electrical relations, the kingdom, animal, vegetable, or mineral,
whence they are derived ; the zoology and botany of the animal and
vegetable pigments respectively, and, with regard to the mineral,
the geology, with an accurate description of the formations wherein
the substances they are extracted from are found. An account of
Canvass— the material it consists of, obtained from what plant, by
what process, and the mode of its manufacture. Botany, Geology,
and Natural History in general as associated with animal and
landscape painting. Astronomy, also in the same connection ; and
likewise Geometry and Optics in special relation to Perspective.
Anatomy and Physiology as concerned in depicting the human form.
History and Dramatic Literature as bearing on the choice of sub-
jects : and lastly, as helpful to general information respecting Art,
the principal ancient and modern languages, inclusive of Hebrew
and Hindustani.
A fresh examination in the branches of knowledge above enume-
rated, and perhaps some others, should, with increased severity, be
appointed for the degree of Associate, and a still stiffer one for that
of Academician. Failing to pass the examinations, no Artist how
great soever may be his popularity, or place even in the estimation
of good critics, to be admissible to academical honours.
Engaged in the practical study of his profession, no artist, of
course, could possibly make himself thoroughly master of all the
sciences and other varieties of learning wherein he would be required
to answer questions. To pass his examination, therefore, he would
be forced, of necessity, to nave recourse to that system of cramming
whereby other professional students store their minds with facto
which, once got up to be rehearsed before an examiner, are remem-
bered ever afterwards, and, in the meanwhile, have advantageously
exercised the intellect and the imagination, the latter at least as
much as the former. Thus would the calling of Creative Art be
brought to attract to itself, and educate within its pale, the like
large numbers of men of original and thinking mind to those we
now see, thanks to the stringent examination in collateral details
system, crowding all the other professions. The consequence would
soon be that no one room at the Academy would be big enough to
hold all the works of genius which would be sent to its Exhibition,
and then, p«rhaps, the Hanging Committee would arrange them in
first, second, and third class rooms. There can be no reasonable
doubt that the necessity for Artists of cram to pass examination!
would very soon bring out, and rapidly increase, the equals ol
Hoo4BT.ii, REYNOLDH, GAiNSBOHOCon, and TCBNEB.
WAKING THOUGHTS.
ONCE more I have to get up and dress. When will some ingenious
patentee invent an envelope for tho human frame, which wil
release me from the burden of assuming and adjusting twelve
distinct articles of attire every morning of my brief life ?
Blessings on this beard and moustache I I am delivered from one
impediment to happiness and comfort. For me the razor is now
only a curiosity, an emblem of a barbarous practice, which no
caprice of custom, or tyranny of fashion, shall ever force me to
resume.
I will wear those new boots this morning. I have put off putting
them on from day to day, but the painful step must be taken at
last.
This is the anniversary of the battle of Marston Moor ! How the
memory travels back to those eventful times ! How the imagination
portrays the conflict between Puritans and Royalists ! How CROM-
WELL'S Roundheads, and ROTERT'S Cavaliers flit vividly before the
mind's eye ! How — sleepy I am !
In less than ten minutes I shall hear my particular costermonger
at his matins. In a loud and strident voice he will reiterate to my
neighbours in Backshaw Street, the merits of his fine " Yarmouths.
He will be followed by " Chairs to mend," who will be succeeded by
"China ware," who will be contemporary with "Ornaments for
your fire-stoves," who will pave the way for " All agrowingand a
blowing," who will give place to the newest melodies on the finest
organs from Saffron Hill, and exquisite harmonies, by musicians of
fureign extraction and brazen impudence.
This is the fifth. We have to dine with the PKOTTDHAMS, in Lone
Square. Semi-grand people, with pretensions, affectations, and not
the finest cellar of wines in London. Terrible encounter, this hot
weather !
Shall I pass through this day without any mortification from my
domestic retainers ? Will cook give warning because she will not
be interfered with in the kitchen, or ( 'A KOI.INE have warning given
to her because she was impertinent ?
I hope my first wife's vaurien brother will not turn up to-day. He
invariably solicits a loan, and has a knack of making his appear-
ance when we have some rather choice people here., and I know the
GBOBY SMITHS are expected to luncheon.
I wonder whether the Esmeralda Mariquita Silver Mine Shares
will be quoted in this morning's paper at a still further depreciation
in value ?
Surely my sister AMELIA, will not be such a simpleton as to marry
that pompons MAJOR MAC OGLE. She must be forty-four if she s
a day. How useful her money would have been to the girls !
It has just struck me that I have an appointment this morning at
eleven— in Coldover Street, with GUMSHON, my dentist.
That 's the Post ! I hope there is not a letter from ALEXANDER at
Vienna, wanting another remittance ; or a note from GKBTBTJDE,
who is staying with the HOTCHIFERS, and finds her expenses heavier
than she expected ; or a communication from the agent informing
me that he has looked over the houses in Geneva Place, and that at
least four hundred and fifty pounds must be laid out to make them
habitable ; or a notice, from the Secretary of the Great Interooeanio,
of another Twenty Pound call ; or a letter from my cousin LETITIA,
to the effect that, if quite convenient, she will stay with us for a
week or ten days, on her way home from JOHN'S.
What was it HABKIET said to me the last thing before I went to
sleep ? I remember it now — too well — she wanted me to make some
calls with her this afternoon.
What a relief ! This is not the day when my wife's eldest unmar-
ried sister wrote to say she should come up from Uttoxeter to see us,
and would probably stay all night. It really is too hot to find answers
to her arguments for women being made Magistrates, Coroners,
County Court Judges, High Sheriffs, &o. One thing I will not do
when she comes. I will not go and hear her address a crowded
meeting at St. James's Hall, on the Rights, Wrongs, and Megrims
of Women.
How many Circulars shall I receive this day P
Papa and Mamma.
A SOCIETY of German Ultramontanes at Rome waited, the other
day, on the POPE to assure him of their unchanged allegiance. His
Holiness is reported, in the course of his reply, to have recommended
them to obey the laws of their country, unless those laws were con-
trary to the commands of Holy Mother Church. Holy l-'athvr
Church, rather, is perhaps what INFALLIBILITY meant.
16
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY IV 1672.
DRAWING-ROOM MINSTRELS.
(WHAT THEY HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SOMETIMES.)
Affable DucTuss (to Amateur Tenor, who has just been warbling M, Gounod's last). " CHABMIKG ! CHAKMIKG ! You MUST REALLY GET
SOMEBODY TO INTRODUCE YOU TO ME ! "
MIALL'S MISADVENTURE.
MIALL, the battle, fought of yore,
For reason and for right,
Against the Church that overbore,
Is now another tight.
By rigid tests, without the fold
Of England's Church when pent,
For liberty belief to hold,
With good cause strove Dissent.
But now by tests there 's nothing meant,
If what they mean we search,
A narrow faction, wars Dissent
Against a liberal Church.
Dissenters of all shades, 0 LAUD,
Thy shade may whoop, or wail !—
The Church, High Churchmen, Low, and Broad,
Includes within its pale.
Incomplete.
SOME surprise has been felt that at the recent National Music
Meetings at the Crystal Palace, there were no competitions, no
prizes, no honours, for two of the most popular classes of modern
vocalists— comic singers and coloured minstrels.
Classical Collision.
THE Minotaur on Wednesday last did ran,
0 monster, into the Bellerophon !
Behold mythology in modern era ;
The Minotaur avenging the Chimsora !
LADIES IN THE HEIGHT OF FASHION.
To naturalists who have a taste for noting the appearance of
females of their species, the following may furnish some fair food
for meditation : —
" The arrangement of the hair is higher than ever, the curls rising from
the head in pyramidal fashion * * * Coiffures are composed of a tuft of
flowers placed upon the very summit of the head, with trains of foliage or
ribbon falling to the waist."
A lady crowned with flowers and covered up with foliage falling
to her waist, would remind one of the costume of a Jack in the
Green, were it not that Jack is a rather vulgar character. But
what are naturalists to think of the appalling fact here mentioned,
that ladies make their heads still higher than they have been ? For
months past women have o'ertopped the men they have escorted,
and if pyramids of curls are to be added to their altitude, it will be
needful for short husbands to take to wearing stilts, to place them
on a fair equality of stature. " Curling their monstrous heads," is
a suitable quotation to apply to ladies nowadays, when dressing for
society. Doubtless few men can object to see their wives desire to
make a rising in the world, though many may regret that this ambi-
tion should be limited to effecting an increase in their capillary
attractions.
Hibernian Hibernation.
ACCORDING to LORD KIMBERLEY, Fenianism is now in a state of
suspended animation. Would it were squelched, entirely, the rep-
tile. An Irishman might say that the Irish Snake was only
Scotched ; but let us not, even in mere word, insult a loyal and
reasonable people.
CONSTITUTIONAL LOGIC.
EVEEY Englishman's house is his Castle,
lishman's Cellar is his Dungeon.
Corollary : Every Eng-
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JULY 13, 1872.
EXTINGUISHED !
"IT IS HOT YOUR BUSINESS, MR. MEDDLESOME, TO BE PULLES'Q DOWN CHURCHES. YOU LEAVE THA.T
WORK TO YOUR BETTERS."
JULY 13, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
19
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
KITE a Novel, I said.
Suppose it written,
advertised, printed,
bound, published, co-
pies sent _to news-
papers, reviewed, and
again advertised with
Opinions of the Press.
.Suppose myself read-
ing the latter.
Advertisement : —
" This day is pub-
lished," &c., " The
"se of lioiedale
Farm. Thirty Thou-
sandth Edition. Por-
(ioon & GROOLLY."
Opinions of the Press :
" This is perhaps
the most charming
novel of the season.
There is a grace, a
lightness, and yet such
a Qepth and," &c., &c.
— Morning Paper.
" If every novel of the present day was only half as good as The
Recluse of Rosedale Farm, the ground on which our objections are
founded would be out from under our feet." — The Collective Review.
" MH. THINHUMMY has done the literary State good service in
this now work. In the character of Grace Whatshername, the
demi-monde is drawn by a master-hand." — Piccadilly Gazette.
" The strictest Materfamilias need not:-be afraid of placing The
Recluse in the hands of her daughters. There is not a word, not an
expression, not a description, but breathes the true spirit of poetry,
piety, Christian charity, and virtue." — The Churchwoman's Mirror.
" We congratulate the author upon the latest work which has
fallen from his pen. The Recluse of Rosedale Farm will place him
in the first rank of our most distinguished novelists."— Dumpshire
Chronicle.
" Bustling, lively, racy of the soil." — Sporting Standard.
" True to life, outspoken, and though perhaps more suitable to the
study than the drawing-room, yet neither Dowager nor Demoiselle
will take much harm, while they will learn a great deal, from its
perusal." — Colosseum.
" This romance, or novel, supplies a genuine want. The Recluse
of Rosedale Farm, we have no Hesitation in saying, is a work that
will live. The Rabbi's Sermon is admirable, while, indeed, the
entire picture of village life, at its purest, is one which may make us
justly proud of our country." — Jewish Journal.
"No more scathing diatribe against the Hebraic usurers of the
present day has ever been penned than the chapter in which is
described the interview between Geoffrey and old Shi Lock Kerr.
The character of the Jew is entirely new, and, as far as our
memory serves us, perfectly original. His despair, when Jessie
Kerr, having robbed him of his treasures, elopes with Lord Renzo,
is almost too intense." — Happy Dispatch.]
ENGLEMOBE is furnishing a house in town. On this subject he
consults my Aunt, reciprocating her confidence in him. My Aunt
slily supposes he is going to be married. ENGLEMORE admits that
he is giving a look round. This interests my Aunt. So does the
subject of furniture. She strongly recommends stained floors, and
carpet in the middle. This idea seems to take ENQLEJIOBE'S fancy.
My Aunt promises to give him, before he leaves, the name of the
man who stained the floor of the house that her friend Ma, JOHN
SK m PSIIEK built, where it answered admirably.
Happy Thought (to myself). — This is the House that SKIMPSHIEE
built ; this is the Floor of the House, &o. ; this is the Man who
stained, &c. ; this is the Address of the Man who, &c. Nursery
rhymes adapted to everyday use. This worked out might be a
playful education for children. Instead of teaching them nonsense,
teach them sense, but, so to speak, nonsensically.
ENULEMORE " trains up" to town, and leaves us, being very busy
about his new house, where to-morrow, he tells us, " he 's got Mister
Carpenter coming." I remind him of what I want him to do for me,
and he promises to " keep his eye open for Farm."
I give him I say carte blanche to do what he likes in my absence.
He replies, " All right, Colonel," and we seem to understand each
other perfectly. There is an air of business about this off-hand way
of settling a matter which is very assuring. On consideration, after
he has gone, it occurs to me that he scarcely required any carte
blanche from me to do what he liked. Hope he won't think it all a
joke, or that I'm, as he calls it, "doing Joey." However, we did
seem to understand one another.
Jttippy Thought.— In order that any matter of business should be
perfectly intelligible, nothing should ever be " understood." Make
this into what ENOLEMORE would call Mister Epigram, and put it
down to HOUNE TOOK K.
»Will write and explain. I do so. By way of answer I receive a
telegram, "Yes. Agreed. What you said. Eight." Before I
have time to find out what on earth he means another telegram
arrives. It is, " Ask what man stains floors. Where."
My Aunt, to whom I show this, suddenly remembers having for-
gotten to give MR. DANGERFIELD (she seldom gets a name correctly,
and never on a short acquaintance) — " ENOLEMOKK," I say. Well,
she supposes I know whom she means, and she forgot to give him
his address. "The stainerer who 's an upholster," she informs me
rapidly, " lives at— dear me ! let me see— a street near what was the
Chinition— I mean the Chinese Exhibition, years ago. Number
Thirty-One, I think it is ; but I '11 look it out, and your friend,
MH.— MR.— APPLETON "
Happy Thmtaht.—yod. "Yes."
My Aunt means ENOLEMORE, but why shouldn't he be " APPLE-
TON," to save discussion ?
" Yes, he has only to go to him, and mention my name. He
will find him a most respectaby eldable person."
Happy Thought.— Respectaby eldable person. Evidently standing
for " respectable elderly person." The words sound like a quotation
from what might be called the Drunken Dictionary.
Next Day.— Aunt receives letter from the GLYMPHYNS.
She tells me that " I must write and say the exact day when
I 'm coming, as J ANITA GLYMPUYN tells me that, in that case, she
has seen some lodgings which CAPTAIN Q.COMTESFUK will take for
me."
CAPTAIN who ? Think whom my Aunt means, as it annoys her to
suggest a " proper name."
1 flippy Thought. — Found it out. " Quortesf ue " means Fortcscue.
CAPTAIN FORTESCUE.
All clear. Make arrangements for little Uncles JACK and OIL at
Little Shrimptou ; then, day after to-morrow, depart.
Huppy Thought (musically). — Partant pour le Soufre-ia (i, a, to
fill up " Mister Metre ").
My Aunt would rather be left alone to pack without my assistance,
or anybody's.
Happy Thought.— Leave her alone. Suggestion of Little So-
Peep,—
Let her alone,
She '11, going from home,
Leave lots of things behind her.
On thinking over this Nursery Rhyme, it occurs to me that there
must be something radically wrong with an educational system
which commences by teaching the infant mind that " alone " rhymes
with "home." How many gushing poets have been lost to the
world by this !
Happy Thought. — Lots. 1 hope.
I go out and sit on the beach, watching my little Uncles.
They are never tired of digging in the sand, apparently with the
idea of ultimately making anew basin for the sea to wash itself in,
nor do they ever weary of varying the amusement with an occa-
sional quarter of an hour devoted to stone-throwing.
Reach Thoughts. — There are few stronger temptations presented
to the human mind than that of stone-throwing. Moral of above
for inward application.
Children can't resist it. The smaller the child, the larger the
stone. This is experimental stone-throwing. The Boy [who is
" father to the man "—and why not if my Uncles are about thirty
years or so younger than their nephew]— the Boy delights in
distance. Distance lends enchantment to the stone. He likes to
show how far he can make a stone go.
Happy Thought. — Another moral for inward application : Teach
him how far he can make a shilling go, and reduce his pocket-
money.
Reach Thoughts (same subject continued). — The Youth does fancy
tricks with stones. Chiefly Ducks and Drakes. [Evident inward
application again.]
Happy Thought. — Youth must have its fling.
Old Man sits quietly down and
and throws small stones at intervals
into the sea. The older the man the smaller the pebble.
Sad and Poetic Inspiration. —
Morals mingle
With the shingle.
Also, subject for a classical cartoon, The Fleeting Hours playing
upon the Sands of Time.
Nurse comes to remove Uncles JACK and GIL. They remonstrate,
having one more hole to make. Uncle On, has in his pail a choice
collection of small green crabs. Nurse empties the pail, and that is
the result of his morning's work. He is a little downcast at first, as
I fancy he has regarded them with the eye of an epicure. Uncle
GIL tries to watch them all at once crawling off in different direc-
20
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1872.
!
"L'EMBARRAS DES RICHESSES."
Vivacious Guest ("limited income"). " DON'T KBBP A BROUGHAM I ?"
Languid float (" iJwusands a year"). " AUOH ! WHAT'S THE USE? LOTS OF HANSOMS CLOSE BY 'P YOU WANT TO GO ANYWIIAR'."
Vivacicms Guest. " BUT A SADDLE- HOUSE OR Two, SURELY ? "
Languid Uost (with a shudder). " AUOH ! BLKSS YOU, KO, MY DYAB, F'LLAR ! WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO WIDE IN THE PARK!!"
tions. I am sure that there passes through his mind a vague hope
that they will all meet again (he and the same crabs) in happier
times, when perhaps they will have grown bigger and he can have
them for tea. GIL is a quiet boy, with a roving eye. When per-
fectly still, and smiling to himself, I have no doubt that his mind is
arranging (on the theory of " Unconscious Cerebration ") some deep
scheme for the future. He is only five years old, and my theory to
account for his reserved demeanour is, that the greatness of his
mental operations stagger him. He is deep in plots and conspiracies.
An Infant MACHIAVELLI. Uncle JACK is noisy and active. I ascer-
tain that it was Uncle JACK who collected the crabs, but it was
Uncle GIL who offered his pail for their reception, and who ulti-
mately was walking off with them when Justice (represented by the
Nurse) interfered.
Aditux to little Uncles. Aunt and boxes ready. My Aunt is
perpetually reassuring herself of the wisdom of the step she is now j
taking for getting rid of the " Rheumalgic Neuralism " (vide Dixon's :
Johnsonary).
" CHARLOTTE— MRS.— dear me— you know who was Miss— dear
me— Miss GLYMPHTN, of course, though it really is dreadful to for-
get names like this, and 1 can't help being afraid that the llheumery
weakens the memory— but what I was saying was, that in the letter
me in her letter she must finish her letter as they 're making such a
noise with practising duetts between the piano and the koo beagle."
[Happy Thought. — " Koo Beagle," evidently " Key Hugh" vide
Dhton's Johnsonary.]
is a thorough celebrity. You'll like the GLYMPHYNS/I'm sure:
JANTTA 's a very pretty girl, and very sensible, too ; and they 're all
so musical, so 's young ME. GLYMPHYN. who 's a great student of
Historal Natury — I mean " (she corrects herself in a marked manner,
as much as to convey to me that, she knows, thank you, when she
makes a mistake)—" I mean, of course, ' Natural History ' ; and I
dare say that 's why they 've made CAPTAIN QXTORTESFC'S acquaint-
ance, who, I told you, was there, and as she writes, J ANITA says to
OCCASIONAL ATTEMPTS.
CERTAINLY, as Justice Shallow says, good phrases are, and
ever were, commendable. They are good and commendable in their
proper places. Among such phrases may pass, "The designs ef
those who have created this fabric." Here are phrases which would
be good enough and sufficiently commendable in a speech made on
the opening of a Museum or other Institution. If the speaker, going
on, spoke of "moral and intellectual culture," he would use one of
the phrases which, common in public speaking, are good broad
nourishes of fine English, and in so far commendable. In a young
men's Debating Society an orator would use phrases not other than
good and commendable if, in relation to Science and Art, he de-
claimed about "The knowledge which humbles whilst it elevates,
and the tastes which purify while they adorn." So also might he
do if he called pictures and statues " creations of Art," and perhaps
with equal propriety he might advise artists to " imbue the creations
of Art with ' the beauty of holiness.' " Addressed to the British
Public, or a British Chairman representing it, or part of it, the
above phrases are, the lot of them, all very well and appropriate in
their way, that of hacknied modern rhetorical stock. His Royal
Highness the PBINCE OF WALES might, without incongruity, have
employed them in the speech, had he chosen to make a florid instead
of a plain one, wherewith he the other day opened the Bethnal Green
Museum. They do, however, occur in a composition published in
the newspapers as a prayer put up on that occasion, by the BISHOP
OF LONDON.
JDLY 13,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
21
HIGH ART.
MB. PUNCH OFFERS THE ABOVE SUGGESTION TO THE COMMITTEE OF THE
ROYAL ACADEMY, FOR THE USB OF CRITICS VISITING THEIR ExaiBtrioN. WITH
THE AID OF THIS LITTLE MACHINE, THEY WILL RE IN A POSITION TO STUD?
EVERY PICTURE, FROM THE HIGHEST TO THE LOWEST, WITH EQUAL COMFORT,
THEREBY ENABLING THEM TO IMPART TO THEIR CRITICISMS THAT &C. AND &0.
WHICH SHOULD EVER BE THE &C. AND Ac. OF THE BRITISH PRESS.
MR. PUNCH, WITH HIS PROVERBIAL LARGE- HEARTEDNBSS, HAS PUT no PATENT
OR OTHER RESERVE UPON THIS INVENTION.
MONEY-MARKET AND CITY POEM.
Reviving Confidence.
AFTEB a lull, again once more
Incessant double raps at door,
And ever as the Postman knock;,
Prospectus left in letter-box.
"What do I know of banks or mines,
Railways, and mercantile designs,
That Joint Stock schemers e'er should see
A likely share-buyer in me ?
My name on a Profession's roll
They know about me is the whole.
From that mere knowledge they surmise
That I shall at their projects rise.
How many fools, and what fools they,
To make those stamps and paper pay,
What numbers of amazing asses,
Must count among the lettered classes !
Behold PiLGARLic's little hoard
Into a speculation poured,
Large dividends in hope to gain !
The poor PILGARLIC is insane.
Did Bubble-mongers only know
How I their circulars bestow,
In less waste paper me they M stand.
— I tear up all that come to hand.
It seems but just the other day
The cry was all how money lay
Idle, because of panic dread
From Bubble speculations bred.
And has the cycle come round, when
The came is to occur again ?
If a fixed law these things thus rules,
What constant quantities are fools !
Ascending to a higher sphere,
Whoever leaves me money here
Will ne'er look down from regions blest,
In risky shares whilst I invest.
Lured by high interest I 'd ne'er be
To bite at bad security.
0, 1 would make a cautious heir !
Try me, ascending Millionnaire.
UJIJIAN CIVILISATION.
THE New York Herald has expiated the Editorship of the late
JAMES GORDON BENNETT by sending MR. STANLEY fitted out to
search for DB. LIVINGSTONE, whom he has found. Our great traveller
is safe at Ujiji, amongst natives if you like, but not savages. Below,
extracted from a summary of MR. STANLEY'S despatches, is an indi-
cation of thejr character, as manifested in personal bearing. In
order to astonish those natives in due measure, MB. STANLEY, at the
rear of his little band of followers, entered Ujiji in pomp, with flags
flying and rattle of firearms, and —
" As the procession entered the town, MR. STANLEY observed a group of
Arabs on the right, in the centre of whom was a pale-looking, grey-bearded
white man, whose fair ekin contrasted with the sunburnt visages of those by
whom he was surrounded. Passing from the rear of the procession to the
front, the American traveller noticed the white man was clad in a red woollen
jacket, and wore upon his head a naval cap with a faded gilt band round it.
In an instant he recognised the European as none other than DR. LIVING-
STONE himself; and he was about to rush forward and embrace him, when
the thought occurred that he was in the presence of Arabs, who, being accus-
tomed to conceal their feelings, were very likely to found their estimate of a
man upon the manner in which he conceals his own. A dignified Arab
chieftain, moreover, stood by, and this confirmed MR. STANLEY in his
resolution to show no symptom of rejoicing or excitement."
He, therefore, although an American traveller, accosted DB,.
LIVINGSTONE in exactly the same kind of way as that in which one
English gentleman travelling abroad generally accosts another,
when under feelings of emotion, and received a precisely suitable
reply : —
" Slowly advancing towards the groat traveller, he bowed, and said, 'Da.
LIVINGSTONE, I presume ?' to which the latter, who was fully equal to the
occasion, eimply smiled and replied, ' Yes.' "
This was the way to behave ; and the necessity felt for composed
behaviour in the Ujijians' presence, is evidence of the native dignity
of those natives. They are clearly not of the sort concerning
whose manners and customs the midshipman' in the celebrated story
returned a report of " Manners none ; customs disgusting." What-
ever their customs may be, their manners are manifestly at least
equal to those which distinguish our highest Aristocracy. The dig-
nified Arab chieftain, above mentioned, probably excelled our most
dignified old English gentleman, or Peer, in dignity of bearing,
inasmuch as he was not only undemonstrative, but, most likely,
stately, demeaned himself with unstudied grace, and was in nowise
comic. Advertisements of persons offering to teach dancing and
deportment appear in our newspapers. Ujiji might perhaps send us
some dignified Arabs to teach our youth, and even some of our
adults, if possible, not indeed dancing (nemo taltat sobriut, and
dignity is incompatible with drunkenness), but deportment. Still
more occasion for such tutors is there on the part of our gesticulating
and countenance-contorting neighbours. Duly lessoned in deport-
ment by dignified Arabs, a body of Legislators would never have
presented the grotesque spectacle exhibited by the members of the
French National Assembly the other night, ramping and roaring.
Had Ma. STANLEY and DR. LIVINGSTONE been two Frenchmen, they
would probably not have been restrained by any fear of their super-
visors' derision, from rushing into each other's arms !
Let us rejoice in the good news that DB. LIVINGSTONE has not
been eaten, out, on the contrary, was found alive and well in the
truly genteel society of dignified Arabs ; moreover, that he has dis-
covered, and placed beyond doubt, the real source of the Jsile.
How (IF YOU HAVE IMAGINATION) YOU CAN KEEP COOL THIS
WEATHEB.— Ice the thermometer.
22
PUNCH, Oft THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 13, 1872.
THE GAME OF GHOST.
WE live in an age of tom-
foolery. Modern necro-
mancy is comic. The
Medium is on that ac-
count worth reading.
At some of the seances
related in it occur phe-
nomena, if the experi-
ences so called are
objective, very much
like boisterous frolic in
a pantomime, only that
the "properties" linns
about are household
goods of a value which
must render that prac-
tical fun now and th'en
rather serious for their
owners. According to
a report given by our
supernatural contempo-
rary of some proceedings
at a spirit -circle as-
sembled at Liverpool, a
table repeatedly rose and fell, remaining, in the meanwhile, some time suspended
in the air ; and —
"Shortly afterwards, a special controlling spirit attending MR. FEGAN, manifested
himself. A heavy sofa-cushion was thrown violently on the table. We held it in our
hands, and it was whisked away with great precision and force. Immediately afterwards,
the heavy swab of the sofa standing near was hurled on to the table, folded in the middle,
nt the same time smashing the glasses of the gas pendant, and turning the tap, so as to
cause an alarming escape of gas. This caused the circle to be broken up, but not without
witnessing the great strength manifested by the spirit. Indeed, the sofa was about to
be placed on the table, but it was jammed into a corner, so that it could not readily
be done."
If there existed disembodied Hmtyhnhnms, and one believed in communi-
cating ghosts generally, and the foregoing description of their doings in par-
skull and the horse's hoof were once regarded as
especial objects of diablerie, in days before the " North-
ern Phantom " (so called with great injustice to Orientals)
had vanished. The limbs which moved the above-
mentioned table would then have been thought some of
his, and not without reason, if, with respect to the
alleged performer of its tricks, reason could credit what
has preceded and what follows : —
" This spirit calls himself ' JACK TODD,' and says he was
known to fame as a highwayman ubout a hundred years ago,
and suffered a violent death at the hands of justice. He says he
was remarkable for his courage and resolution, and robbed the
mail, single-handed, several times. He does not seem to have
betu a murderer, or wantonly cruel, but one of those daring
examples who love to inflict reprisals upon the rich and well-
to-do. Though he exhibits great violence at the circle, yet ho
does nothing of a hurtful or malignant nature, and will no
doubt ultimately improve very much, and be of great use in
vindicating the reality of these manifestations."
There might be supposed to be room for improvement
in the spirit professing itself to be "JACK TODD— alias
SHEFFAUD ( " but it would be more charitable than ortho-
dox to hope that any was possible.
ticular, one would say that those doings, though droll, partook rather too much
of the nature of spiritual horseplay. You know, by thi
Consumption of Vitals.
HKIIE, at Midsummer, are coals at from twenty-
eight to thirty shillings a ton ! Is it not time for us to
consider how much longer we can continue to light the
world with gas, supply the world's steam-engines with
fuel, and at the same time afford domestic fires ?
M. THIEBS proposes to denounce the Commercial Treaty
with England. Might not we as well begin to think of
denouncing the exportation of coals ?
BEGGARS OF BETIINAL GREEN.
Scygar (loq.}, — 'Arf the money as 'as bin spent on hall
_ that 'ere Science and Hart 'ud 'a made hall us Beggars
.e way, that the horse's ' our wives and children lushy.
A EAGGED SCHOOL FOR MUSIC WANTED.
MELODIOUS MB. PUNCH,
LAST week there was a Music Meeting at the Crystal Palace,
and I am told it was attended by a great number of visitors, and a
great deal of success. I did not go myself, for the fact is, I have no
more ear for music than an oyster, and may add, to show my taste,
that the sounds I chiefly relish are those produced by codfish.
The fact is, also, that I hear far too much music as it is, and
without taking the trouble to go all the way to Sydenham for it. In
the Quiet Street where I have the ill-fortune to reside, there are
music meetings daily, from shaving time till supper. I hear that at
the Crystal Palace vocalists and bands met to compete with one
another, and prizes to the value of fifteen hundred pounds or so
were publicly awarded, and royally presented.
At the music meetings held in the Quiet Street I speak of. the like
kind of competition is daily carried' on. though certainly the prizes
are by no means so remunerative. Ballad bawlers, organ-grinders,
German bands, blind fiddlers, Scotch bagpipes, Welsh harpers,
Italian pifferari, and black-faced nigger bellowers, sing and bawl,
and blow and growl, and grunt and groan, and twang and scrape,
and squeak and scream, and squeal and shriek and screech, all one
against another, from morning until midnight ; and though pence,
instead of pounds, are as much as they can pocket, the competition
is sustained with monstrous energy and vigour. The competitors
seem generally impressed with the idea that the more noise they can
make, the more money they will win : and as they often play some
half a dozen tunes at tne same time, their mingled melodies produce
most unmelodiouB discord.
As the police appear quite powerless to prevent these music
meetings, it may be worth while to consider how they may be made
less noxious. Surely something might be done to improve in some
degree the skill of street performers, and render them more musical,
and thereby less offensive. If a PATTI or a NILSSON were heard
singing in the street, few people, I presume, would object to the
performance ; or if a JOACHIM began to fiddle a sonata just opposite
your door, you hardly could refrain from throwing him a copper.
We have an Academy of Music, I believe, intended for the training
of future prime donne ; and why should we not also have a Ragged
School of Music, to give some slight instruction to future street mu-
sicians y As a step in this direction, I would suggest that, at the
next Crystal Palace competition, prizes should be offered for street
singers, fiddlers, fluters, nfers, drummers, harpers, grinders, buglers,
bagpipers, " bones" es, banjoists, and hurdy-gurdy players, and the
like, with a view to their advancement in the musical profession,
and thereby their prevention from the exercise of music as an art of
street offence.
I can hardly hope myself to live to see the day when JOACHIMS
and PATTIS will be prevalent on our pavements ; but anything that
helps to make street music less tormenting than it is will confer
enormous benefit upon countless fellow sufferers, in common with
your tortured correspondent, MISEBRTMUS.
BEAUTY AND THE BUTCHER.
THE "Women of the North are holding meetings of their own to
agitate for cheap food. According to the Manchester Guardian : —
' ' At Sleekburn and Bedlington the Chairwoman recommended a strike
against the Butchers, and she lamented that ' a vast of people ' would still
buy butchers' meat. The meeting is reported to have shrieked in chorus,
' We '11 watch 'em ; ' ' We '11 tar "em ; ' and to have shown in other ways that
they have not been unobservant of the practices adopted by the rougher sex
(so called) when trade interests are in dispute."
Instead of watching and tarring people who still buy butchers'
meat, the ladies above referred to should coax as many as they can
to consume Australian in its stead. If people would abjure beef
and mutton at one shilling per pound including bone, and addict
themselves to those meats at sevenpence per pound without bone,
they would soon bring the butchers down on their marrowbones.
A Little Kingdom.
THE Isle of Man preserves an autonomy of its own. It has a
distinct budget ; that for the present year having just been pub-
lished by the LIEUTENANT-GOVEBNOB. The statistics of crime in
that Island exhibit no peculiarity ; for it was the remark of a mere
buffoon that the Isle of Man. is the Paradise of Garotters, because the
Manx cats have no tails.
A POOR BETUBN.
A LOAN Exhibition of Porcelain is now open at Salisbury. What
must be the feelings of those who have lent their precious treasures,
when they read the startling announcement that the Collection will
be " broken up " in September ?
JULT 20, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
23
HAZARDOUS!
Husband. " IF COOK ISN'T PUNCTUAL TO-DAY, LOVE, GIVE HJB A GOOD BLOW HJB TP
WELL I "
Wife. "MY DKAB CHARLES !— WEII, WILL TOU COMB AND STAND BEHIND THE DOOB WITH
\OCK LlFE-fRKSIRVEB .' "
SPECIAL MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.
THE following places in the United King-
dom have been selected by the SECRETARY
AT WAK, the FIELD MABSHAL COMMAND-
ixii-iN-CiiiKr, and OKNKHAL OPINION, as
singularly fitted to be the new Military
Centres : —
Armagh,
Battle,
Fighting Cocks,
Kiilin,
Knock (Down),
Camp Hill,
Cannon Street,
Drum,
A Place in Fife not yet
determined,
Swords,
.Shields,
Trooper's Lane,
Wadborough,
Wellington, and
Waterloo.
Astronomical.
IT is well understood (in upper circles)
that Luna dislikes any allusion being made
to her age.
Themes of the Day.
THEBE are two subjects whose mere
names
Refreshing 'tis to read ;
To wit, the Alabama Claims,
And Athanasian Creed.
Both it and they perhaps were best
Alike referred from home :
Teach us, Geneva, to digest
The Creed derived from Rome.
MORE TAXES ON KNOWLEDGE.
KWOWTNQ one of those confoundedly good-tempered, impudent,
unkickable-out-of-your-doors sort of fellows, who invite themselves
to visit yon upon the slightest provocation, and then spend a month
or so in riding your best horses, drinking your best claret, smoking
your cigars, and flirting with your wife.
Haviug to act as nursemaid to a lot of romping, rollicking, rampa-
gious children, because, as their fond mother says, you know how
to amuse them so much better than JEMIMA does.
Being asked to take down LADY HTTMGBUFFYN to dinner, instead
of pretty little MRS. PRATTLETON, because you happen to know
something of the Troglodytes, or the Dolomites, or the Zoophytes,
or something which happens to be her Ladyship's pet theme for
conversation.
Although you are really of a serious and sentimental turn of 'mind,
being expected always to return thanks for the Bridesmaids, because
the fellows say you know so capitally how to make a funny speech —
which is equivalent, as you think, to making a big fool of yourself.
Because you happen, by an accident, to have made the slightest
possible acquaintance with a Lord, being asked by snobbish friends
to plague him for his autograph, or by charitable friends to dun him
for subscriptions, or by inquisitive friends to ask him where he
buys his boots.
Being bored perpetually to escort your country cousins to the
Tower and the Thames Tunnel, and similar exciting places of amuse-
ment, for the reason that you know the way about so much better
than they do.
Knowing a young couple who, for certain (quite unfounded) ex-
pectations, plague you to be godfather, and whenever you go to
cline with them, persist in having Baby handed round with the
dessert.
Having to appear at the police-court, at the imminent risk of
being misrcported to your wife, in order to give evidence for one of
jour fast friends who has been out upon the loose.
Being expected by the better halves of nearly all your bosom
friends, whom yon dare not disoblige, on the pain of losing your
pleasantest of dinners, to " take the boys about " when they come
home for the holidays, for the reason that you know so much about
the diving-bell, and all the other things you know the darlings are
eo fond of.
Being bothered by your artist-friends to be their model, gratis, for
somebody historical, DAMIEN on the rack, or TITUS GATES, say, in
the pillory, because you know eo exactly what they want, and
are so clever in assuming an uncomfortable attitude.
WEIGHTY INTELLIGENCE.
THE subjoined telegram, which came the other day from Paris,
does evidently not require confirmation : —
"The rumours of preliminary negotiations having been entered into be-
tween the Catholic Powers and France for the purpose of arriving at an
understanding as to the attitude to be adopted in the eventuality of a conclave,
are regarded as incorrect."
The wording of the above sentence reveals its official origin. It is
an admirable example of the peculiar language of diplomacy— pre-
cise, perspicuous, clear as the unclouded atmosphere, not hazy in the
least. What important information, too, it contains! how grave,
and how tangible ! It informs us that certain rumours are regarded
by some person or persons, whose opinions may or may not signify,
as incorrect. Those rumours relate to alleged negotiations, which,
though represented as merely preliminary, are momentous to think
of. Consider the immensity of their supposed purpose — a purpose
no less than that of arriving at an understanding as to an attitude
to be adopted in an eventuality. This purpose, too, is as definite as
the phraseology which expresses it is crystalline. The understanding
as to the attitude to be adopted in the eventuality specified, is easily
understood. If it existed, it would exist among the Catholic Powers.
It would, therefore, be an understanding as to an attitude which
might be naturally expected in some quarters to be an attitude of
devotion, but might prove the contrary.
A Testimonial Well Deserved.
HAITLEY and other Staffordshire towns have been doing themselves
honour by presenting MB. BBIOHT with a beautiful cabinet contain-
ing beautiful specimens of the ware for which the district is famous.
In one respect the gift seems inappropriate, for it is difficult, nay
impossible, to think of MR. BBIOHT in connection with anything that
looks like "pottering."
VOL. LXIII.
21
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
20, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, July 8. —
Lovely weather, Ma
dam, eminently sug-
gestive of cooling
drinks under the treei
upon the Lawn of, le
us say, some pleasan
cottage in the Vallej
of the Thames : or a
lounge by the gold-
fish pool at Hamptoi
Court, such leisurely
enjoyment to be fol-
lowed by a neat repas
at the Mitre. Bu
Mr. Punch eschewec
all temptations, Ma-
dam, and attended in
his place in the House
of Lords to see what
was to be done with
the Ballot Bill. By
the way, Madam, did
you ever read these
foolish lines P —
" A weapon that comes
down as still
As snow-flakes fall
upon the sod,
But executes a free-
man's will
As lightning does the
will of God ;
And from its force nor doors nor locks
Can shield you : 'tis the Ballot Box."
They are by JOHN PIERPONT, b. 1785, d. 1866. Why do we put such stuff
here ? Why, who are you, Madam, that you should never read nonsense ? We
have to read a good deal, we can tell you. We have no doubt that folks who
like the Corn. Law; Rhymes, and that sort of thing, think the above exceedingly
fine. Go to. This is not weather in which it is safe to incense Mr. Punch. He
makes frightful examples when the thermometer is at 80° in his refrigerator.
All people do not think alike on this Ballot question, that is clear. For during
the whole Session there have been nine petitions, with 84 signatures, in favour
of the Bill; and in ten days there were collected 150 petitions, with 21,599
signatures, asking the Lords to stick to their Amendments. Nevertheless, the
Peers did not stick to them, and are to be lauded for not doing so. The altera-
tions would have made the Bill a Sham, and the Lords are not Juggling
blends — aifc
" Who keep the word of promise to our ear,
And break it to our hope."
After a dignified discussion (in the course of which EABL RUSSELL mentioned,
:rom his personal knowledge, that MR. GLADSTONE had " over and over" voted
against the Ballot), the Peers gave up the Optional Secresy Clause by 157 to
.38, majority 19, and they also gave up their objection to using schools for
voting places, a concession for which the children who will get holidays on poll-
days, ought not to be grateful, but will be.
But on the question whether the Ballot should become an institution of the
..ountry, or should be only an experiment, for a given period, Eight Years,
a- 1V\ ™ d ,ps' by 117 to 58> maJ°rity 59, stood by their opinion that the
Ballot- Hoy ^ should be bound 'prentice for the term. It will be seen by
j ^"i f Cartoon *•* tlle Boy objects to his being made an Apprentice,
'd thinks that he is strong enough to set up for himself.
The remaining Amendments," says the Standard, "were disposed of in a
riendly spirit." Mr. Punch rather likes this way of putting things— all is told
that we want to know, and it is the sensible hot-weather style. Whitef riars
drinks to bhoe Lane, and may its broad-sheet never be less.
In the Commons, COLONEL HOGG had the pleasure of admitting that the
it Works could not prevent the erection on the Embankment of a house
hat will obstruct our view of the beautiful Clock Tower. Such is local rule.
" For forms of government let fools contest,
Wiiate'er is best administered is best."
Very true, ALEXANDER, and what do you think of a Local Government that
cannot administer better than this ? Where 's the ^Edile, or are all his energies
devoted to persecuting DR. HOOKER at Kew ?
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER moved a vote of £4123 to pay the legal
xpenses of the defence of EX-GOVERNOR EYRE, who was prosecuted for saving
amaica. Mr. Punch will not detail the debate. The Vote was furiously
pposed by MR. EYRE'S enemies, and the indignation of his friends was not
mmcmgly expressed. MR. RUSSELL GURNEY summed up judicially, and it will
be remembered that he went out to examine into the Jamaica business. His
words were : —
" There had been a planned insurrection for obtaining the back lands of the country—
and it was a very clear and decided conspiracy — (hear, hear) —
and though it extended over only a .small district, yet such was
the state of the country that it immediately spread over a Tory
extensive district, and if not put down at once, it would have
had to be put down at the expense of a much more fearful loss
of property and life. (Cheers.) To all these he absolutely
adhered."
MR. EYRE, therefore, did his duty in proclaiming
martial law. But MK. GUKNEY considers that martial
law was unnecessarily prolonged. But, MR. HAUDY
replied : —
" After the regular law was re-established, and SIH PETER
GRANT had to preside at the trials of parlies who had been en-
gaged in the insurrection, two persons were sentenced to death,
fifteen to penal servitude for lil'e, eleven to penal servitude for
twenty years, two for ttn years, and one for two years— seven
amongst them being women. It was thus seen to be necessary
to proceed by th^ ordinary tribunals of the country, and to puf.
certain inhabitants to death, and sentence others to various terms
of penal servitude."
Mii. GLADSTONE said that " for the honour of England
and the service of the country" this Government had
taken up the engagements of the late Government with
MK. EYKE. On division, the vote was carried by a union
of Liberals and Conservatives, who mustered 243 against
130. MR. EYRE served his country well for twenty-five
years, was distinguished by his courageous humanity to
the Australian natives, saved Jamaica to the English
Crown, and— after four years is paid the expenses of
defending himself against an irresponsible body of pro-
secutors. Encouragement to Englishmen to be self-
reliant when their Sovereign's interests are at stake.
Pour encourager les autres, as VOLTAIRE said.
Tuesday. — LORD GRANARD, Roman Catholic Lord-
Lieutenant of Leitrim, wrote a letter expressing sym-
pathy with some people who were about to meet and
abuse MR. JUSTICE KEOGH. For the which indecorous
londuct LORD SALISBURY did to-night give it LORD
SEANARD " hot." But LORD SALISBURY strikes high, as
becomes one of his name, and, having disposed of poor
LORD GRANAED, turned upon the great LORD-LIEUTENANT
OF IRELAND, and rebuked him for not castigating the
smaller Lord-Lieutenant. The Earl and LORD GHAN-
VILLE refused to say anything about the Galway busi-
ness until they had studied the famous Judgment, but
they declared that Government had done everything
necessary for the vindication of law and order.
Episode in the debate. LORD SALISBURY said that
GRANARD should have restrained his " cursive and
cursing pen." LORD GHANVILLE, no doubt for fun,
assumed that the latter word was "cursed," and declared
t improper. The Marquis allowed that the passive par-
riciple would have been objectionable. Then he mis-
quoted SHERIDAN ; but not much, as he gave the spirit of
i. B. S.'s language. This reminds Mr. Punch to ask
tow many more times the blunder which found the
ihrase, " some d d good-natured friend," in the
School for Scandal, is to be repeated. The speech is by
Sir Fretful Plagiary in the Critic, as MR. CHARLES
HATHEWS (welcome home, C. J. M.) can testify, and we
lope will do so, publicly.
The Commons went down into the Mines in the morn-
ng, and we suppose stopped there, for there was no
inding them to make a House in the evening.
Wednesday. — No, we thank you. Some excessively
ngenious plan for altering the proportions of representa-
ion was ventilated in the Commons, and MR. WINTER-
OTHAM, for the Government, utterly declined to have
any opinion about it, or to talk about it, or to think
about it. Most sensible. We would as soon read what 's
is name on Quantitative Analysis. By way of making
hings still more pleasant, the Commons talked about
Vaccination. Lady Macbeth uses strong language on
he subject of a spot, and if Mr. Punch were not an
English gentleman, he would have echoed the Scotch lady
his afternoon.
Thursday.— About something, no matter what, the
)UKE OF RICHMOND said, that "under the cireum-
tances," etc. Could not His Grace have said, "in the
ireumstances ? " Circum means round.
There was a Conference to-day between the Lords and
Commons, four members of each House attending.
!'hey met at Wimbledon, where they happened to find
ome targets, some luncheon, and a lot of Volunteers and
adies. So, in the most affable manner, the statesmen
JULY -2\ 1*73.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
25
took to shooting off rifles, and the Commons beat the Lords by
I 15 to 140. Then they cheered each other. It was magnificent, but
it wasn't. Parliament.
MH. OOLK has given some ladies and gentlemen tickets to see the
Bethiial Green Museum on Sundays. MR. FOUSTKII has ordered that
the tickets be taken away. For the first time in Mr. Punch's recol-
lection, 11 H. FOKSTEK delivered himself of some twaddle, and it is to
he hoped that it will be the last delivery of the kind. This comes of
associating with certain feeble colleagues. The privilege in question
could do nobody any harm, and was an advantage to the student of
Art, who wishes to study its gems in peace and unelbowed. Of
course, if MR. FoiiSTEB uses the Sabbatarian argument, we are
silenced.
MB. BHTTCE moved the Second Reading of the Licensing Bill. SIK
WILFRID LAWSON said that public-houses were the greatest nuisance
we have in the country, and that the grocers were nearly as bad.
Is this weather in which Mr. Punch is to be expected to detail any
more bosh of this kind? The Bill was read a Second Time. Some-
body said he wished all theatres were shut at XI. So do we, but
until they are, the hours for closing public-houses mean tyranny.
LORD MII.TON has left Parliament— we regret it, and we regret the
reason— ill health. We are sorry that
" a damp
Falls round the path of Milton."— Wordsworth.
Mr. Punch wishes a gifted and spirited young nobleman speedy
convaleseenee. His seat for the West Riding, S., has passed to a
Conservative, M i;. STANHOPE.
Friday. — The Ixirds addressed themselves to Scotch Education,
our admirable Scottish Primate having given them previous ad-
monition not to do anything to deprive the Northern system of its
Religious Character. His Grace spurred a willing horse (if that be
a proper image in the case of a hierarch) for the Peers carried,
against Government, and by 81 to 70, an Amendment in the sense
ol' l)u. TAIT'S suggestion.
MH. GLADSTONE said that Government would consider •whether
they themselves would submit a motion on. the Galway judgment.
They will show their own judgment by acting in English fashion in
this matter. Later, the PREMIER described "threatening letters"
ns "characteristic of the mode of carrying on business in Ireland."
Yes, and if an Affectionate People did not occasionally add a P. S.
which, pro hue nee, means Powder pjid Slugs, the eccentricity would
be only idiotic.
The Commons assented to the Peers' Amendment making the
Ballot an experimental measure ; that is, binding the Ballot Boy
'prentice till 1880. There was no division.
" The application is absolutely ludicrous and absurd," said
MR. LOWE. Is it necessary to add that this answer was given to
ME. WHAI.LEY, who wanted pecuniary assistance for his martyr-
friend, CASTRO ? By -the way, MB. WHALLEY has not yet denied
that he sanctioned, by his presence, the atrocious language which
CASTIIO is reported to have used at one of his touting-meetings.
somebody should give the Member for Peterborough the opportunity
which he has not sought.
FILIAL FAITH
IRELAND.
THE Poi% if His Holiness reads English newspapers, or has them
translated to him, may have derived one consolation under his
trials, from the fervent zeal for religion displayed by the faithful
Irish in a manner evident from the subjoined paragraph : —
"ARIUVAL OF JrnnE KF.OOH IN DUBLIN. — JUDGE KEIOH arrived in
Dublin last night. On landing at Kingstown he was guarded to the train by
a force of police, and in the compartment next the one in which he proceeded
to Dublin were a number of armed detectives. To-day he goes to Longford.
A pilot-engine will precede the train, and forces of soldiers and constabulary
will be quartered in all the towns on the North-west Circuit."
The Holy Father has of course been duly informed of the circum-
stances which have rendered it necessary that JUDGE KEOGH, on
circiiit in the Island of Saints, should be attended by escorts of
soldiers and policemen, and preceded, on the rail, by a pilot-engine
by way of preservative from torpedoes. It is known to the Suc-
cessor of St. Peter that MR. JUSTICE KEOGH, himself a Roman
Catholic, has not only not hesitated to sit in judgment on the
political ants of Roman Catholic clergymen, but even to pronounce
Priests and Prelates guilty of practising intimidation on electors in
nrder to influence their votes by spiritual means. The POPE is
aware that this impious audacity has caused its perpetrator to be
tnirned in effigy, and has placed him in peril of his life at the hands
of his warm-hearted countrymen nffectionately attached to their
beloved Biuhops and Priesthood. The sentence of JUDGE KEOGH
has condemned to disfranchisement a Most Reverend Archbishop.
two Right Reverend Bishops, and a large number of reverend
Priests besides. The faithful Irish are letting him know what they
think of his thus daring to do his official duty irrespectively of his
filial obligations, politically, to the Holy See ; and they would soon
make him feel what a sacrilege he has committed if they were not
deterred by the brute force which surrounds him with its
myrmidons ; the slaves and tools of a bigotry comparable with
HI-MAI«:K'S own. But the burning desire, evident on the part of a
religious people, to perform an act of faith on an unfaithful Judge,
cannot but contribute to console His Holiness under the dreadful
persecution which he endures in being dispossessed of temporal
power.
PHILOSOPHY AND FASHION.
JLJ)
PHILOSOPHIC MR. PUNCH,
As a fashionable man, and one " moving," as the phrase
goes, in elegant society (and what with walking, riding, driving,
and then dancing after dinner, one certainly is kept pretty much
upon the move in it), you may fairly be accredited with taking some
slight interest in the matter of the fashions, and with noticing the
way in which the ladies mostly dress. You will therefore be enabled
to verify this statement, which I see recorded by a fashionable
paper : —
" Everything this season has a tendency to imitate decaying nature. Faded
flowers, withered leaves, and sombre grays and browns are most prevalent in
all varieties of dress."
Jaded as you are by the labours of the Season, which you are
happy to remember is very nearly ended, yon perhaps may feel
inclined to think that withered leaves and faded flowers are vastly
fitting decorations to be worn in a society where budding hopes so
oft are blighted, and where flowery expectations so rapidly decay.
Sombre colours may seem suitable where life is a dull round of vain
and vapid pleasures, and artificial wreaths of flowers made to look
like those of nature in process of decay, may appear a proper head-
dress to be worn by girls whose eyes have lost their pristine lustre
through the keeping of late hours, and whose unhealthy dissipation
has withered all the roses Nature planted in their cheeks.
Wishing you the luck, by a course of careful living, to repair
your shattered frame in due time to enjoy the pleasures of next
season, believe me yours in deepest sympathy,
The Hermitage, Thursday. A BLIGHTED BEISG.
DRUNK AND DISORDERLY.
IN a Times leader on the paternal Licensing Bill, the other day,
occurred the remark, relative to the United Kingdom Alliance
Abolitionists—" Sober persons are unwilling to seem identified with
impracticable fanatics." Just so. The sober refuse to be associated
with the drunken. Fanatics, who howl and shriek, and fight with
fists at public meetings in the frenzy of their craving to impose a
Liquor Law on their neighbours, demonstrate the possibility of
drunkenness without drinking. It is well, indeed, that they should
be debarred from "intoxicating liquors," which would fearfully
increase their habitual condition of excitement from intoxicating
sentiments. For they go about drunk under the influence of lust
of rule, bred of outrageous vanity and conceit, or, in phrenological
language, an excessive development and an inflamed state of the
organs of self-esteem and love- of -approbation arousing combative-
ness and destrnctiyeness into furious activity, accompanied by a
general frame of mind resembling delirium tremens.
THE HAPPY MEDIUM.— Gentleman between two Ladies.
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL
[JuLT iO, 1872.
INDUCTIVE FLATTERY.
"THAT is A PORTRAIT OF DEAR PAVA, BOTORB HE WORE A BEARD^AND MOUSTACHE, YOU KNOW."
" INDEED ! How VKRV LOVELY YOUR MAMMA MUST HAVE BEEN !"
ECLOGUE ON THE EYEE INDEMNITY.
"WILLIAM. ROBERT.
William. ROBBET, thy smile a kindly joy implies.
Thy sympathetic soul shines through thine eyes.
With genial triumph all thy features glow.
Wherefore I do not ask— because I know.
Robert. Thou, WILLIAM, sharing, dost divine my joy
Think of our worthy pledge redeemed, my boy,
The legacy of rivals, it is true.
So much the more magnanimous we two I
William. The nation will discern how great we were
In taking up the cause, bequeathed, of EYRE.
Carrying the vote which will, in part, requite
The sufferer of a canting faction's spite.
Robert. 0 what a pleasure 'tis to interpose
Between a hero and his howling foes,
Though late, and make him for his loss amends,
Though thrift might save the cash that honour spends !
William. Hereafter may a servant of the Crown
Trust that, for putting a rebellion down,
When all his trials (for murder one) are past,
His law expenses will be paid at last.
Robert. Expense be hanged ! Conservatives be blest !
They helped us aid a true man, long oppressed.
Too many of our friends, alas ! were those,
The vote we had to ask, who did oppose.
William. Aha ! But we obtained our vote, my BOB,
We 've shown our scorn of the seditious mob.
But see where JEdile AYRTON comes this way,
With DOCTOR HOOKER on his arm. Hooray 1
JOVIAL TEETOTALLERS.
AMONQ other curious novelties we see advertised extensively
"The New Tea Spirit." Can this really be a fact? Can there be
intoxication in the innocent Bohea? Can there be deadly alcohol
in the harmless, unfiery, peaceful Gunpowder ? Can there be subtle
poison in the simple household Souchong ? Can the boasted drink
that cheers be likewise inebriating ? May we expect to see teeto-
tallers really "in their cups," and prostrate underneath the te
table? If so, we may presume that jovial songs for jolly tea-
drinkers will ere long be forthcoming ; and as it is our aim to be
considered in advance of the age, we hasten to present it with a
model ditty to be warbled by a tea-toper : —
Am— " A Bumper of Burgundy fill, JUl for me."
A tea-cup of Tea Spirit fill, fill for me,
Give the man who prefers it champagne :
I care not for wine, 'tis far weaker than tea,
To the dregs, then, the tea-pot we '11 drain !
And though as teetotallers strictly we boast
That we ne'er touch a liquor fermented,
Yet round every tea-table pass we the toast,
To the man who Tea Spirit invented !
Faculties and Faith.
IT is stated that two Hungarian bishops submitted to acknow-
ledge the dogma of Papal Infallibility only under a threat of
having their faculties withdrawn. Is it Da. DOLLINOEB who save
that before anybody could possibly acknowledge that dogma, his
faculties must have been withdrawn already ?
TOO GBEAT A CONTRAST.
SCENE— Bethnal Green. TIME— Sunday evening. Place open—
Public-House.
SCENE— Bethnal Green. TIME— Sunday evening. Place closed-
Museum.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI — JULT 20, 1872.
THAT BALLOT-BOY AGAIN!
" 0 ! AH ! MY NOBLE SWELLS ! 'PRENTICE, INDEED ! MY FRIENDS THOUGHT I WAS QUITE BIG ENOUGH
TO SET UP FOR MYSELF ! BUT NO MATTER ! YOU 'LL SEE ! "
JOLT 20, Ifc72.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
GOING up to town by
train, a really Happy
Thought occurs to me,
suggested by a conversa-
tion which I can't help
overhearing. The conver-
sation is about farming.
Th» conreraars (or " yer-
conaers " according to
Dixon's Johnsonary) are
two agriculturists.
y/.j/>/'.'/ Thought. — Gen-
tlemen - farmers. Be a
Gentleman and be a
Farmer. Equal parts ju-
diciously mixed. Must
listen, and occasionally
pink up, and then note
down. This repeated of ten
must be valuable.
ll'/int I gather from
their conversation (which
is difficult to catch, as they
talk inwards the window,
occasional/!/ looking out}.
That it is a capital thing to roll a meadow. Always give top-
dressings to [What it is I can't hear, but can fill this up another
time.] That hay won't be so dear this year as last. That you " give it
'em green " in the summer. " 'Em " refers, I suppose, to horses, and
"green" to grass. That some people don't "give it 'em green."
Hay ia now three fifteen to four ten. I wonder if this is by the peck
or the bushel. One agriculturist observes, that "he finds it oest
in certain cases to give his animal roots."
Query. — What animal ? What roots ? What certain occasions ?
The other gentleman-farmer agrees with him. Yes ; certainly
roots. Is he (his friend) well off for roots ? Yes, it appears he is
tolerably well, but won't want 'em now. The other one supposes
that he won't. The train stops — it is going to stop very often, as
my AUNT JANE dislikes express travelling — and a stout gentleman
in a light suit gets in with a friend.
Happy Thought.— TELFOBD (in the light suit). The very man I
wanted to .see.
Curious chance ! Quite a coincidence ! He is a great hand at
farming, agriculture, horticulture, and chicken- culture. I introduce
him to my Aunt. He introduces his friend, and we are supposed
now to know each other. At the same moment the gentlemen-
farmers descend.
Happy Thought.— Consult TuLFOED. Tell him my plans. Going
to see a German Farm.
" Aha !" he laughs at onoe. " I know. Seen 'em in toys. German
trees with Christmas things on 'em." And this notion amuses him
immensely. His friend smiles, as an acquaintance. AUNT J ASK is
amused. TELFOBD has such a remarkably jolly laugh, that to hear
him is enough to set other people off without knowing the joke. He
shakes a good deal in laughing, and from a twinkle in his eye one is
apt to fancy that he knows another joke worth two of the one he 's
apparently enjoying now.
' And what are you doing here ? " This is my question. On
consideration, indiscreet, because if he doesn't wish to tell me " what
he is doing here," he must either be rude, and retort with " What 's
that to you ? " or must tell a lie.
Happy Thought.— To add immediately, playfully, " I won't press
the question."
This again (on consideration) is indiscreet. It conveys (I see it
does) to my Aunt the idea that she is in a carriage with a Don Juan
weighing about sixteen stone, or a Cupid of forty-five unable to get
a pair of wings to carry him.
TELFOBD replies that he has come to this part to look after a pony.
I never yet met him, and I 've known him some time, when he
wasn't going somewhere to look after a pony, or when he hadn't
"just heard of something to suit him."
Happy Thought.— A. Pony. Does he think it would suit me!
His natural reply is the question, " Do you want one ? " I may
safely say " Yes " to this, because I always want one, and never had
one. Besides, with TELFOBD and his friend (who are both very
much sporting-men) it puts one on the same platform for the time
being to want a pony. And being on the same platform one can
converse.
Happy Thought.— Always get on the same platform with another
fellow, if possible.
TELFOBD looks me over, and turning to his friend says "he
knows the very thing to suit me."
Happy Thought.— To look perfectly delighted. Think (to my-
self).—Must get out of this again somehow. Perhaps I might be !
saddled with a pony— (paddled witli a soney, ride Dixon's John-
sonary) before I knew where I was, so to speak. When I 've got
the farm I xhall want one.
" I'll tell you who told me about him," says TELFOBD, turning to
his friend, and referring to the pony.
"Who!"' asks his friend.
" NKD, the Gipsy," replies TKI.FOED.
I watoh with interest the cft'uut of this information on his friend.
I rather expect him (I don't know why) to pooh-pooh NKD the Gipsy.
" Urn!" returns his friend, thinking it over, "1 saw the Gip*v
with a pony at Twigham Meeting. He wanted me to have it.''
II' r-j he suddenly breaks oft", as if the subject were an unpleasant
one to revert to. It leaves me in a reverie as to whether he did have
it or not. I should like to a.sk him. I feel that it 's an unfinished
tale. The tail of a pony untiiiibhed. Wonder, by the way, who
invented this ./<•« de mats on " tale " and " tail." How it must have
set tie table in a roar when first said. I should like to hear the
history of The First Joke. Da'o :i A.D. " A.D." here means Anti-
Deluge. There were some vtry queer words then, suitable for jra
de mots.
Happy Thoitght. — For a proverb, There are good and bad jokes in
all languages. A sort ot Proverb. Joke-Explorers might make
voyages, like DE. LIVINGSTON K, in search of a joke, or like Dux; KNK*-,
with a lantern, in quest of a good honest joke. Happy title for
Tales of Adventure, The Joku Catchers.
Ch. I. How they heard of a joke. Ch. II. How they set out to
catch that joke. Ch. III. How they heard two Joke-Crackers in the
distance. Ch. IV. How they came on the Joke-Crackers' tracks—
(good phrase this for Dixon's Johnsonary. Ask my Aunt to try it,
and see what she makes of it). Ch. V. How they came on an
extinct Volcano, whioh had busted itself with laughter. Ch. VI.
How they lost their way in th« Pun-jab, where the Punjabberers
dwell. Ch. VII. How they couldn't see the joke. Ch. VIII.
How several weeks passed, and yet they couldn't see the joke.
Ch. IX. How at last one of their party made a shot at the joke.
Ch. X. How the joke fell flat Ch. XL How one of their party
decided that it was no joke. Ch. XII. How, at all events, they all
said they 'd heard of a much better joke than that. Ch. XIII.
How- they set out again. Ch. XIV. How they did not catch that
joke, Brave Boys ! But being taken by the Punjabberers and Joke-
Crackers were cruelly sold. Ch. X V. How they could only escape
by coming across a very broad joke, and a very dangerous joke.
Ch. X VI. How they came to a kingdom where their motto was,
I Pro arts et Jocis for our Altars and Jokes. Ch. X VII. How they
were introduced to the Best Joke that ever was made. Ch. X VIII.
How they laughed at it, and wouldn't listen to the Worst Joke.
Ch. XIX. How the Worst Joke being irritated, fought the Best
Joke. Ch. XX. How the Worst took Best. Ch. XXI. How
the Worst retaliated upon the Joke-Explorers, and ordered the
Joke-Crackers to tickle their fancies, and the Word-Twisters to
torment their ears, until at length the tears poured down the cheeks
of the Joke-Explorers. Ch. XXII. How, finally, they died o*
laughing
All this out of a Pony's tail !
One hour in the train passed. One more.
TELFOBD says, after a pause, " He '11 go in harness, quiet to ride
and drive, and up to weight."
" The very thing I should like," I say, with a mental reservation
to the effect, " and the very thing I don't mean to have."
My Aunt interposes, " You can't possibly want a pony." I am a
little hurt at this.
"Why not?" I ask.
" Well," she says, " I 've never seen yon ride."
TELFOBD and his friend smile. I protest (because it really is
annoying) against my Aunt's insinuation. " I 've not ridden for two
years, but I used to hunt regularly."
" Ah 1 " says TELFOBD, interested. " What hounds used you to
go with ? "
Happy r7ioi<0/i<.— None in particular. Sometimes Leicestershire,
„.„*; _ T\ it* _1 TT._*_r _ i i _• 11 .« *
boast much about runs with the Brighton Harriers. There's so
little peril " by flood and field " connected with the B.H. The most
yon can say is to a friend who 's been out with them, " That was a
nasty hill you came down, when you got off and walked," or " That
was a stiff bit of country up that hill where I was obliged to dis-
mount." Also, " There were some awkward ruts in that last-
ploughed field ; " and then with enthusiasm, " It was a splendid
burst across those turnips!!'1 And, cunningly, "I think that
ditch (2 feet by 1) or that furze bush (2 feet high) choked off a few
of them."
"Well," says my Aunt, with something of irony in her tone
which doesn't suit her, "I'm sure I wouldn't have said so if I
hadn't thought it. But I've never seen you on horseback, and
LONDON CHARIVARI.
"PARKUS CULTOR, NON INFREQUENS."
" SHAME TO BRING HIM TO TOWN ! 0, I ASSURE YOU, POPPET is VERY FOND OF SOCIETY. HE WOULD BB BORED TO DEATH ALL
SUMMER-TIME, IF HE DID NOT DO HIS PARK IN THB SEASON."
really wasn't aware until you told me now that you were even a
questionable etoleran."
Explanation wanted. TELFORD and friend look at me and smile.
" You mean," I say to her, " that you did not think that I was even
a tolerable Equestrian."
"I said so," returns my Aunt. ("Questionable Etoleran," vide
Dixon's Johnsonary, as usual.)
INDIRECT CLAIMS.
WHO are the Arbitrators, Umpires, or Referees, at Geneva or
elsewhere, competent to decide upon the justice, the equity, the
propriety, the admissibility of such Claims as the following ?
The Indirect Claim of a Wife when she is walking down Regent
or Oxford Street with her husband, and stops before a large shop
with a large plate-glass frontage, to admire and point out to her
companion "That lovely silk," or " That most becoming Costume,"
or "That elegant Polonaise," with an appealing eye, and, it may be,
a deprecatory glance at her own deteriorating attire. The Claim is
strengthened, if the husband is conscious that in the expiring season
the balance of enjoyment has been in his favour.
The Indirect Claim of the Waiter, at a Dining Establishment
where attendance is charged in the bill, who, his attentions accumu-
lating as the meal draws to an end, is very anxious to know whether
you would not like some more ice in your wine, and most watchful
over the safety and accessibility of your hat, overcoat, and umbrella.
The Indirect Claim of the hanger-on who suddenly appears when
you 'have hailed a Hansom, and has never yet been known to per-
form a more substantial service than stand in your way as you get
into the vehicle, or, perhaps close one of the flaps ; but who hovers,
and lingers, and looks, with an expression of expectancy in his
gazing eye.
The Indirect Claim of the Cabman who has received his legal fare,
and contemplates it as it lies in his palm with a surprised and
injured air, and, possibly, if his feelings will allow him, and his
manners have not become quite corrupted, with a hand raised to the
brim of his hat.
The Indirect Claim of the Young Gentleman who is on the eve of
returning to school after the holidays, and would be glad if it
occurred to you that he has expenses to meet in the ensuing half.
The Indirect Claim of Mamma, who offers baby for the inspection
of friends and relatives.
The Indirect Claim of the Young Lady who presents herself to the
family circle bewitehingly arrayed for her first ball.
The Indirect Claim of the Juvenile Author who writes to you with
a presentation copy of his little volume of poems.
The Indirect Claim of the promising Painter, whose studio you
visit to inspect the works he is sending to the Royal Academy.
The Indirect Claim of the Crossing-sweepers.
The Indirect Claims of the various classes of persons who prey
upon you at theatres, concerts, and other places of public annoyance
and extortion.
The Indirect Claims of different sections of the community ahout
the last week in December.
FORGIVENESS FOR ALL.
THE thoughtful mind cannot fail to he impressed by the annexed
telegram from Baltimore : —
" The Convention has almost unanimously adopted the Cincinnati platform,
unaltered, advocating a general amnesty, impartial suffrage, and Ciril Service
reform,"
So long a time has elapsed since the close of the American Civil
War that liability to any penal consequences of failure in that
struggle must surely be barred by a common consent equivalent to
a Statute of Limitations. What offences, then, are those of which
we can suppose that the condonation is contemplated by the Cin-
cinnati platform proposing a general amnesty t Apparently such as
include non-political as well as political misdeeds. That general
amnesty may perhaps be understood to be an amnesty for offences
in general; amongst them for the Erie and Tammany frauds in
particular : and to be based on the general principle advocated by
the Cincinnati platform of "No Punishment.
JOLT 20. 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
31
EXPERIENTIA DOCET.
The New Governess. "COME AND I!EST A LITILE, BERTIE. SHALL I TELL YOU
A PRETTY STOKY I"
Bertie. " Y-Y-YBS ! BUT-BUT-BUT NOT ABOtrr KINO ALFRED, PLKASS !"
SOXG BY A "NOBLE SAVAGE."
I AM no Market Gardener, I,
In an apron of violet blue.
I do not know any Botany,
Of Breeding I boast myself as free ;
Yet I am the King of Kew.
That is, I 'm in some authority
I inliT tin' (ii KEN, do you see,
Maintained by a safe majority :
In an offiw of inferiority
I have HOOKER under me.
A Gardener he must be, I trow,
As Botany is his line.
But I don't care whether he is, or no —
He will hare to pack up his traps and go,
Or my place I must resign.
A scientific gentleman,
He expects to have his way,
But when we differ about a plan,
As it ever has been since the world began,
The inferior must obey.
I 'm no respecter of gentlemen,
Nor of scientific swells,
Will ye talk to me of courtesy ? Then
Go talk to Bruin, in yonder den
By the Itegent's Park, who dwells.
I am no Market Gardener. I,
And an JEpiLE's taste I lack,
But your indignation I defy ;
For you sell DE. HOOKER myself to buy ;
And choose him to have the sack.
A Point for the Prison Congress.
CAPTAIN DC CANE, Surveyor-General of Prisons, in an
able .Report on Penal Servitude, justly remarks that :—
" Punishment is inflicted much more for the purpose of de-
terring from crime the enormous number of possible criminal,
than for any effect on the criminal himself."
This is a very strong argument for the Corporal Pun-
ishment of all manner of Scoundrels. We presume
that, for their correction, CAPTAIN Du CANE, advocates
not merely the Cane, but the Cat.
DROPS WITH A DIFFERENCE.
PERHAPS it is premature to say that the axe is laid at the root of
the gallows-tree. Yet, if one wished to avoid suicide by getting
oneself hanged for murder, it would be needful for him carefully to
plan and study its commission with very aggravating circumstances.
However, a meeting to promote the abolition of capital punishment
was held on Tuesday evening last week at Armneld's South Place
Hotel, Finsbury Pavement. Although comprised by a room in an
inn, this assembly had the dimensions of an International Con-
ference, and its Chairman was that distinguished German Jurist,
KARON VON HOLZENDOBFF, who, in his speech from the Chair,
declared that, " For his own part he did not believe in the great
deterrent effect attributed by many people to capital punishment."
I f this disbelief is right, to the extent that capital punishment is
less deterrent than secondary, cadit qitcestio. If secondary and
capital punishments deter in equal measure, then, weighed in the
scales of reason, secondary punishment would, so to speak, kick the
fatal beam. Hanging a criminal is not the worst use you can put
him to, if it is that of an effectual scarecrow. You cannot utilise
him more without bringing him into injurious competition with the
unconvicted man. In the meanwhile he must live, since you choose
that he shall, and you must pay for his living. It is cheaper
to go to the expense of a rope, and MR. CALCRAFT'S fee.
Would there be more murder, if there were less hanging ? — that is
the question. There is some reason to doubt that there would. The
fear of death worse than death according to law is no hindrance to
army organisation. What thinking creature would not prefer the
risk of being hanged to the risk of being, as it were, broken on the
wheel without receiving a coup de grace f Yet these are the com-
parative risks of battle and murder. Nevertheless we have no diffi-
culty in obtaining any number of soldiers by a very small pecuniary
temptation. Hanging is bad enough for those who come to think
about it ; but the majority of us are not philosophers.
By a curious coincidence, another meeting, synchronous with the
one abovementioncd, took place at Exeter Hall, SIB THOMAS
CHAMBERS, M.P., in the Chair ; Lion of the night, to roar, ARCH-
BISHOP MANNING. The assembly was even treated to an allocu-
tion by the POPE present, MR. S. POPE, however, Q.C., and not POPE
Pius ; His Sobriety in lieu of His Holiness. It is remarkable that,
in two distinct places on the same night, in this Metropolis, there
should have been as many meetings, whose constituents, diverse in
their aims, nevertheless concur in altogether objecting to a drop as a
drop too much. But the United Kingdom Alliance differs from the
Howard Association in seeking to impose on the temperate British
Public the deprivation of even a drop too little.
Juvenile Sport.
THERE are three Gun Clubs, the Hurlingham, the Senior, and the
Junior. The gunnery of these Gun Clubs consisting in the practice
of shooting domestic pigeons, there is only one of them that could
be approved of in any measure by any true sportsman. That one is,
or would be if constituted as its name implies, the Junior Gun Club.
If the members of that Club were so many schoolboys, there would
be something to be said for it ; namely, that it is an institution serving
to teach the young idea how to shoot.
Book of Birds.
A WORK which may be imagined to be one of some interest in an
ornithological point of view is announced by MESSRS. CHAPMAN AND
HALL. It appears under the title of Mabel Heron, by EBWABD
PEACOCK. Fancy a Peacock the biographer of a Heron !
LOTAL ORDER.
PRINCE BISMARCK has been determined to expel the Jesuits for their
machinations against the German Empire. He does not like the
loyalty of the disciples of LOTOLA.
32
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 20, 1672.
FAITH IN DEVELOPEMENT.
Pond Mother (at the Militia Barracks). "How WELL OUR JOE DO IT, DON'T HB ? LOOK! I BELIEVE HE'LL BE A GENERAL SOMK
DAT I "
Father. "SHOULDN'T WONDER AT ALL, MY DBAR! WHY, I'VE HEERED AS FIELD-MARSHAL THE GREAT BOOK o' "WELLIN'TOK
HIS-.SKLF WAS ON'Y A IRISHMAN ONCE ! ! ! "
SHAKSPEARE AT A WEDDING.
ME. PUWCH observes in the Ostcestry Advertiser, that at the
recent marriage of a lady and gentleman who move in the best
society, and are therefore of course known to Mr. Punch, though he
has no right to mention their names, there was an exhibition of very
good taste in the selection of a motto of felicitation. Instead of the
usual affectionate doggerel, supplied by him whom MR. CHARLES
MATHEWS, in that beautiful piece, Anything for a Change, calls
" some bumpkin bard, the poet of the County Chronicle," the con-
(tratulators turned to their SHAKSPEARE, and set up on high the lines
from the Tempest : —
"Honour, richen, marriage-blessing',
Long continuance, and increasing ;
Homely joys be still upon you,
Juno sings her blessing on you."
(By the way, "homely!" MR. COLLIER and the Cambridge
Editors give " hourly." Was the other an accident, or a conjectural
emendation P We have no time to look into other editions, but the
word is a capital one in the circumstances.) Mr. Punch holds it a
good omen for the united and happy pair that they invoke a Shak-
spearian benediction. Juno has a perfect right to bless the votaries
uf Hymen— is she not his great Aunt ? Bacchus was his father,
and the son of Jupiter, who was the brother of Hera aforesaid. All
i« correct ; and so, much happiness to the lord and lady of Leighton
Hall, Montgomeryshire.
The Wise Men of the West.
AN old cry has just been revived at the West End. " Eastward
Ho!" its inhabitants exclaim, and lose no time in hastening to
Bethnal Green, to see the Museum and the Marvellous Collection
which is fast making it famous, through the generous action of
SIK RICHARD WALLACE.
SERVED WITH A STAFF.
THE importance of considering every statement in connection with
its context is illustrated by the following passage in an account of
the Camp at Wimbledon : —
" During the day numbers of visitors came into camp, and Ma. JENNISON,
who has the contract for refreshments this year, had full employment for his
staff in serving those who sought for meat and drink in the pavilion."
By attending to the information that MR. JENNTSON has the con-
tract for refreshments at the Camp this year, the reader may be
prevented from imagining that an ugly rush of a famished and
thirsty multitude into the pavilion for meat and drink placed that
gentleman under the necessity of laying about him with his staff by
way of giving them a bellyf nil.
Teetotallers' Table-Talk.
WHO with SIR WILFRID LAWSON dines,
We may suppose, is served with wines.
For, if the contrary were known,
WILFRID would mostly dine alone.
When guests, of whom he is the host,
The bottle stop, in talk engrossed,
" Pass," cries he, as in conscience bound,
" The Intoxicating Liquors round " ?
THE NEW MEDEA.
WE always thought Miss BATEMAN strong, but had no conception
what her power really was, until we read that she " carried the
house with her as one man," the other night at the Lyceum.
Primed by Joseph Smith. nfVo 24. Holftrd Square, In the Parl.li of St. Jamet. r!rrk°n well, in the County of Middlesex, at the TVntipR Office* ol Mewra. Bradbury, Er.rs, ft Co..
Mr-Yi. in tht Free net of Whit%friaj-.-,lu the ( it? of London, and fuhh.--.fd by him. at No 35, Fleet Sire -I, ID the PerUh of St. bride, 01 ty 01 bBBdCBv— •UTVBAkT, . ulf 20, 1872.
JULY 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
33
A FEW HOURS AT WIMBLEDON.
Pu«c)c'jrNDi me rf xil j(3>i--
SUPJ^Y IM&_CO(vfKIS5Jj|tlAT LVE It >CNoVN_TO FAIL.
'
(GE THERS'S «t:mc nkt »»<i »osk (x
BOl'GHING IT A LITTLE-
TOL. LXHI.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
OITDAT, July 15. — Sapiens dominabitur
astris. While that huge star called the
Sun is in his present excited state, and
is every moment welling forth quad-
rillions of tons of whatever it is that
he makes us hot with (this is no time for accurate scientific definitions) ,
a wise man will be brief and sententious. Heat expands some things
(as the dear little girl knew, who explained that the days were long
in hot weather on that account), hut does not expand paragraphs.
Punch means to be concise, Madam— concise as you are in your
merciless reply when MB. PATERFAMILIAS proposes to give up an
evening crush because the thermometer is high, and you have been
out so much.
LOBD DEBBY gave notice that he should call attention to MB,
AYBTON'S behaviour to DB. HOOKEB. The judicious DEBUT is just
the man to right the wrongs of "the judicious HOOKEB." For
ATBTON is appointed the fate of Marsyas, yet pity were misplaced.
'Tis weather to take off our flesh, and sit in our bones.
The Peers assented to the Commons' latest dealings with the
Ballot Bill. Later, it was passed, and on Thursday it received the
Royal Assent. jJTfte Ballot is fLafo. We are unequal to the noble
observations which ought to follow such an announcement of the
triumph of Secret Voting, but please to take our ecstacies " as
read."
The POST-MASTEB cannot yet give us Sixpenny Telegrams, because
the old head post-office is already crowded, and the new buildings
are not ready.
MB. HAWKINS has charge of the prosecution of MB. WHALLET'S
friend, OASTBO, and has no intention of abandoning it.
MB. GLADSTONE Massacred Seven Innocents. Punch knows not
why the title thus adumbrated, or faintly shadowed, should attach
to the slaughter of Bills by their framers. MB. GLADSTONE would
hardly admit that he had been mocked by the wise men. Of the
Bills he slew none need be mentioned except one for injuring a
certain ' Sanatory Act, about which shriekers and sentimentalists
oppose their noises to the voices of the Faculty and of Figures. It
is not to be weakened.
H.M. ship Zealous is to be repaired at Callao. The officers say:—
" 0 frabjous day ! Callao, Callay,
And chortle in their joy.''
Naval and Milingtary Votes. MB. KICIIABD politely observed that
wherever you placed a body of soldiers, you placed a corrupting and
demoralising agency. We don't believe it. How glad the Matrons
of England and Wales are to get a lot of soldiers to their balls !
Tuesday. — On Scotch Education the DUKE OP ABGYLL stood
up for the Shorter Catechism. We don't mean that he stood up to
repeat it, but to defend it. DB. WATTS' First Catechism is worth a
thousand of it. Some folks dislike these things, but what was the
first impulse of Little Billie, when he " heard the information" that
he was to be killed and eaten ? Xo, the second ; the first was of a
hydraulic sort.
" 0 let me say my Catrchi-m,
Which my poor mother did teach to me."
Up he went to the main-top-gallant mast, where he fell down on his
bended knee. And how was his youthful piety rewarded ?
" He 'd scarcely got to the twelfth commandment
When, ' 0 my eye, there 'a land,' says he.
* There's Jerusalem, and Madagascar,
And North and South Amerikee.
And there 's the British Fleet a-ridin»
Under ADMIRAL LOUD NELSON, K C.B.' "
The ABCHBISHOP OP CANTERDUEY complained of the abominable
nuisance of the Lambeth Potteries' Sui'ike, and being answered,
somewhat trivially, by the Hereditary Grand Falconer (we sat/,
MB. LOWE, does his Grace take out a Hawker's Licence ?), did come
out archiepiscopally, and intimate that the Government had a
remedy, aud was bound to use it. Then LOBD MOBLEY made
courteous promise of inquiry.
The Public Health Bill was being hindered, when Ma. DISRAELI,
mindful of his Sanitas dogma, requested the House to go on, not
that the Bill was what it might have been, had Ministers given their
energies to it, but because it would certainly do some good. MR.
NEWDEGATE would say no more, as the Leader of Opposition had
become a supporter of Government. The Bill was read a Second
Time.
On the Coal Mines Bill, MR. A. HEBBEBT regretted that so much
was done to protect the labourers, who ought to exert their energies
and protect themselves. Dear MB. HERBERT, what is to be done
with a labourer who exerts his energy and his pick-lock in opening
a Davy's lamp with which you have supplied Turn for his safety ?
Is he to be trusted to legislate for himself and others ?
There was an Irish Bill— Joint Stock Banks— opposed by MR.
LOWE. Said MB. DELAHUNTY, of Waterford :—
' After the miserable speech of the CHANCF.LLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER
(laughter) — which, if it does get into print, the whole country will cry
shame upon — -I will withdraw my motion, but next year I will smash the
Right. Hon. Gentleman up (loud laughter)."
Pews in Churches. Please take notice, you who are in the sad
habit of coming late to Church, that after Five Minutes from the
hour of beginning service, anybody is to be put into any pew, no
matter whether the owner's family has held it from the time of
St. Augustine, or whether you yesterday paid ten guineas for pew-
rent. And very right too. You can be punctual enough, Madam,
when there is a sight to be seen, a new singer to be heard, or an
Heir Apparent to be hunted.
MB. OKB EWING is a prosperous as well as a benevolent gentle-
man, and he knows nothing about the wants and habits of folks
who climb the Mount of Piety. On pawning, he was for a restric-
tion which would simply have driven myriads of poor people to
their wits' end. On division, there were, against it, 88 ; for it, MB.
OBE EWING— majority 87.
Wednesday. — A very dull discussion, but you must please to
attend. The Irish Kail ways are in an Irish mess. It was proposed
that the Government should buy them up. ' ' Not at present," said
the Government, " as that would merely be an invitation to railway
people to be outrageously exorbitant in demand. But the matter
is one which ought to be considered, and shall be." This came
from LOBD HAKTINGTON. Is another sweet sop preparing for
O'Cerberus ?
Thursday. — MB. O'KEEFE, parish priest of Callow, has been sus-
pended by his ecclesiastical superiors, aud consequently turned out
of the mastership of his school. So far from saying, " Callow,
callay," and chortling, he petitions the House "f Lords. But as his
second suspension was a necessary result of his first, and as with
the reason for the first the Lords have, they say, nothing to do,
MB. O'KEEFE gets no relief. His crime is that he dared to appeal to
law against ecclesiastical authority.
LOHD SALISBURY caused a Government Bill to be thrown out, by
77 to 50, because it would promote the " Jerrymandering " of muni-
cipal wards, for political purposes. The word is not in Johnson or
Webster. But we may guess at its import. The Jerrymandering.
Measure was treated as Sir Jerry GoniuMe was served by the ghost
of his wife : —
"Sm JERTMY hid himself under the clothes,
From whence the ghost pulled him out straight by the nose,
Threw him out at the window, and cried, "There he goes,
With his high-diddle, ho-diddle, dee."
SIR T. BATESON asked whether it was the intention of Government
to remove from office " a notorious disturber of law and order." Do
you know, Madam, that this civil description was meant to apply to
GEOHGE ABTHUB HASTINGS FOKBES, seventh Earl of Granard, Lord
Lieutenant and Gustos Rotulorum of Leitrim, whose motto is Pax
mentis incendium gloria, but who lately expressed sympathy with
the anti-Keogh incendiaries. And SIB THOMAS intimated that he
should stick to his text.
JULY 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
35
Another matter to be noticed. Mn. DISKAEI.I intimated that if
the (iovcrnment did not bring forward a Motion on the Galway
.Judgment, a Motion would come from the Conservative benches.
" \Viis not that thunder '( " (Jon.)
Friday.— LADY MAYO (who has just been gazetted a Lady of the
Bedchamber) is to r< n iv<- from the Home Government a pension of
i'KKJO a year. All right-minded persons will rejoice in this tribute
to UN memory of a pond ntid able man, who died in the service of his
country. LOUR nuiy I.ADY MAYO receive — we dare not say enjoy —
tliis proof of national ^rutitude.
MK. Gi.AiisTi'.vK, as the Dai!;/ JVitrs well says, "dropped the
portcullis," and shut out iml< p< ulcut Mtmbersnnd their crotchet*.
He carried a I: olution that lor the rest of the Session, Government
(•liall have pru-eilc m-" on Tmsduys. We gladly give it the pat,
that we may the sooner behold "the Yeasty," and we add
Shakspearianly,
" Consume and swallow Legislation up."
Then we had all sorts of useful and dull debate, mainly on Educa-
tion, until three in the morning. See how hard we work for you
and yours, Madam.
A HOLM) WITH BLACKIE.
WnY, here is our jolly old friend, PKOI i >-nn BLACKIE, again.
lie has boen lecturing at Inverness on Nationality — no, not Ration-
ality, excellent Compositor,— please be careful. Among many
things, the esteemed Professor said: —
" He onco Imd the lionoiir of bring laughed at by Flinch — as wise men were
;i'\v:i\H l;ni<;hfd at by fools — •(lavffhttr'} — because be said in Glasgow that the
ho repeated the Scotch did want self-esteem,
such things to be done. Take our national
music iif •• regarded national inutic and poetry as a noble
inherit itjrc- cif whk-h pcopli. <nij,'ht to be proud. Did they devote themselves
to the study of ItoiiF.ivr litniNs as they ought to do ? No — they preferred the
Italian opera. What wu» ihe opera : A mere magnificent luxury for the ear,
but nothing for the understanding and nothing for the heart."
Now, we may be as foolish as the Professor is polite, but that 's
not the point. AVe shall certainly laugh at him— good fellow as he
is, and much as we admire him— when he talks nonsense. In utter
defiance of him and all his works, we maintain that a young Scot is
better engaged in listening to an Italian opera than in reading
IV.OKEHT BURNS. Firstly, MOZAHT and BEETHOVEN do appeal to the
heart, or the hearer's heart is not to be approached through the ears.
Secondly, at the opera the young Scot's good taste will not be
offended by lyrics in praise of drunkenness and other debauchery.
Thirdly, the young Scot will not, at the opera, be disgusted with
deliberate profanity, and this point should count with a particularly
Christian nation. Fourthly, the young Scot will, by attending the
opera, learn to comprehend that there are nobler themes for one of
the noblest arts than plebeian sentiment of a nearly monotonous
character. And fifthly, at the opera, the young Scot will listen to
something that he can talk about to ladies and gentlemen, and, as
all Scots are gentlemen, this is another point. Come, Professor, you
are much too truthful a man to adhere to a blunder. Gloat over
your BUBNS, if you like (and about a fifteenth part of what he wrote
nearly deserves the praise you give to all his writings), but remember
that you are a Teacher, like Air. Punch, and that you must not
lead your pupils astray. We have done, and here 's a hand, our
trusty friend, and we drown all unkindness in a drammie. You
know that, we are right. Strike up with us — yon are no mean
songster, Professor :
" Dhia gleidh ar Banrigh mhor,
lifatliu bliuan da'r Uunrigh choir,
Dhia gleidh Bhanrigh."
" I cannot pray in Highland tongue," says poor Blanche, in
the Lad;/ of the Luke,. Those who cannot read Gaelic (there be
some such afllicted beings) may like to know that PROFKSSOUS
liLACKiK and PUNCH are singing the National Anthem, and thus
showing the best sort of Nationality.
Answer to the Keogh Question.
WHY all that reserve which our PREMIER has shown in replying
to questions respecting the intentions of Government with regard to
the judgment of ,1 ivncr. K noon '•i Why has he hesitated to take a
step which would effectually have settled every question on that
subject 'i He might, at once, have raised KEOGII to the Peerage.
How TO TRAVEL CHEAPLY.— Get wrapped up in a novel, and go
by book -post.
A MAID-MARTYR.
HE LATE AGITATION AMONGST
TMK MAIDS OF DUNDEE. — A
domestic servant who took a
prominent part in the agita-
tion ha* since suffered so
much from excitement and
accompanying fits of depres-
sion and weakness that i>b<t
has been compelled to leave
an excellent situation in tin-
*r»t end of Dundee wb.ielk.ahe
had held for 8 contulerablv
time. HIM i«n i*
of opinion that grvul ow«
will be required to n •
return of her ordinan
and strength.'' — Dxndtt Ad-
rertiter.
Truly aftlicting. In fact
we are as yet quite un-
able to write on such a
subject. The now* must
carry sorrow into
IK. nvU in the kingdom.
i martyr to the cause
nt freedom and no aprons!
It speaks well for the
inventional character
of the Dander. AdcertUer
that it gives a paragraph
to the hysterics of an ex-
servant maid. May we
hope to be regularly in-
formed of the condition
of the interesting crea-
ture, and to have " her medical man's" bulletin '•: Since the illnesa
of the Heir Apparent, nothing has excited imire general distress.
We trust that the poor thing's late employer is in constant and
penitent attendance.
THE ONE TOPIC.
WHAT 's the news ?— Coal.
AVhere are you going '<— To order Coal.
Where have you been ? — To my Coal Merchant.
Is anything the matter with you ? — Yes, Coal in my head.
Where do you mean to go this summer h— Divided between Walls-
end and Silkstone.
We shall go into Wales.— Ah ! Euabon, I suppose.
Anything stirring in politics ?— Strange Coalition that— Derby-
Bright.
What are you thinking of ? — Coal.
Something 's weighing on your mind P — Yes, the last three tons.
Go to the Royal Academy.— I 've been : one of the first things I
saw was Landscape (fine) by V. COLE.
And South Kensington ? — Yes, COLE works wonders.
I 've just come from the Privy Council.— Ah ! COLLIBB'S Court.
Your servant looked black as he let me in.— No wonder. I had
that moment been calling him over the Coals.
Nothing seems to go down with you to-day. — No, not even Coal.
You '11 be better when the cold weather comes. — When the Coal
weather comes ! ! !
Will you join me at the Theatre this evening ?— Yes, if you don't
mind my going to the coal-pit.
Well, I must say good bye, for I see you are dreaming. — Yes, of
Coal.
A penny for your thoughts.— Thirty-six shillings a ton.
By the bye, what 's that book you are reading f— COKE.
I prefer COLERIDGE. — I suppose you mean the poem which
begins —
" All Silkstones, Wallsends, Derby-Brights,
Whatever warms this shivering frame,
All are varieties of Coal,
And very dear their flame ! "
Liquoring Up.
SOKEB, observing that " Straw-elevators" were exhibited at the
meeting of the Royal Agricultural Society at Cardiff, remarked that
no man living could be a better judge of such implements than
•limself, considering the number of times he had had his spirits
raised by the imbibition of sherry-coblers and other American
beverages.
36
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
'[JULY 27, 1872.
YOUNG HEADS UPON OLD SHOULDERS.
Enter Agnes. "0, HOW NIOJB AND COOL YOU MUST FEEL, GRANDMAMMA DBAR! WHY MAYN'T 7 WEAK A Low BODY LIKE YOU
AND AUNT METHUSELA?"
Grandmamma. "MY DBAR AGNES, WHAT NONSENSE ! WHY, YOU'RE SCARCELY MORE THAN A MEKE CHILD! \ou
PERFECT FRIGHT ! "
PROSPEROUS JOHN.
(Millionnaire sings.)
THE price of coal is rising fast.
With costly coals you cook dear meat.
PILGARLIC, you don't know, at last,
What you shall do for food and heat.
Well, very likely, ere the Sun
Again has brought a Christmas round,
Your coals may be two pounds per ton ;
Your mutton half-a-crown a pound.
What then ? Through gay and wealthy street,
Or Park around, my carriage rolls.
To him who keeps one what is meat ?
Of what account the price of coals ?
A house to match I keep meanwhile,
And lead a fashionable life ;
Support, to name not sons, in style,
Daughters who dress ; likewise a wife.
Dear coals and meat pinch but the poor
In soul, not worthy caring for ;
To me are but as calls for more
Millions to carry on a war.
A dunce, compelled, his money spends
With his right hand, and, so bereft,
Saves with the other ; but amends
I make by grasping with my left.
Get more as your expenses grow,
Retrenchment 's an exploded rule.
Make money, still make money, go
Ahead ; don't play the frugal fool.
Content with interest safe and small
For modern times will nought avail ;
Risk what you name your little all :
Throw out your tub to catch, a whale.
Why, what is it this rise displays
01 coals and meat, and all things, higher r1
Prosperity in fullest blaze ;
And all the fat is in the fire.
Flare up, then, too, and take no fear
Of flaring down to workhouse keep.
And, if the means of life are dear,
The means of leaving it are cheap.
Cannon by Buchanan.
THE eminent Soot BUCHANAN (castigator of the youthful JAMES
THE FIRST) had clearly the Second Sight. He foresaw that Miss
B ATEMAN would play Medea, and he also knew the Hebrew character,
Leah, by which the distinguished artist made her fame. In his Latin
version of the tragedy by EUBIPIDES, BUCHANAN thus describes the
enchantress : —
" LEA, natorum casde cruenta."
The Softer Species.
How are you off for soap ? " An agreeable Softness to the Skin"
is imparted, according to an advertisement, by a special modifica-
tion of that simply emollient article. It is an innocent cosmetic
that produces an agreeable softness of the skin. Not always do we
find an agreeable softness of skin accompanied by a provoking soft-
ness of intellect ; but we do sometimes.
o
CJ
C-H
O
HH
t-H
2;
JULY 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
39
OST certainly this is the
weather to be vague
and indefinite, to abo-
minate details, not to
care to be pinned to
anything or to pin any-
body else, to enter into
confectioners and not
particulars ; and the
individual, by whom
"a small furnished
house " is " wanted, for
six months or longer,
in the neighbourhood
of Kuasell or one of the
other squares," evi-
dently felt that a hot
July day was not the
precise moment to be
minute in his pub-
lic communication to
agents, persons leaving
Town, and other resi-
dents in the neighbour-
hood of the various
squares in London,
having houses to let.
Statistics which arc
out of place in spring,
unseasonable in au-
; tumn, and figure to disadvantage even in -winter, are of course not to be
! thought of at this season of the year, and so we have not set anyone to count
the number of squares iin the Post-Office Directory ; but assuming that our
vague friend will receive at least one answer to his
advertisement from the neighbourhood of each of those
four-sided spaces enclosed with houses, north, south, east,
and west, he will probably find selection so embarrassing
as to lead him to wish that he had made known his
wants with more attention to topographical details.
TWO DOORS TO FORTUNE.
TITEST: two advertisements appear in the same Number
of the Titnrs. Head them : —
A Cl: A DC ATE of CAMBRIDGE is 'REQUIRED, as
')XD MASTKlt in the Gresham Grammar School,
Holt, Norfolk. Stipend £10 jier lu.num.
A! I'l.AIN COOK VANTI-.D in a Gentleman's
Fan. n man nml four other servant* arc kcjit.
Mu»t clean a>jur-ti.ys. Wages £96.
li arly, it is better to know how to clean a door
grudus than to be a graduate. Who says that labour
is not honoured in this country '?
An Expensive Office.
UHDER the Ballot Act election expenses will have to
T»e borne by the Returning Oftioer ; in counties the
Sheriff. He may recoup himself by suing the Candi-
dates, if they will not pay ; if they cannot, by whist-
ling for the amount. The Putt calculates the future
liabilities of the High Sheriff of Surrey, in the event
of contested elections, at £•! O.s.t. Had not Parliament,
before it separates, better pass a short statute, supple-
mentary to the Ballot Act, increasing the fine for
recusancy to accept the office of High Sheriff to some-
| thing ruinous ?
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
( We journey up to Town and discuss Agricultural Subjects. Notts
and Mems made on this occasion.)
WE drop the Pony, and come to farming operations generally.
TKLFORD and his friend know a good deal about poultry.
Happy Thought. — Draw 'em out.
TELFOKD'S friend will have nothing but Cochins. TELFOBD him-
self says, " No, have Dorkings and Spanish." TELFOBD wants us to
guess how many eggs he had from November to February. I am
inclined to say, thoughtfully, " Well, let me see " — as if I were
making a stupendous calculation — " six a day." TELFORD'S friend
asks, " How many hens ?" I note this question as being naturally
the common-sense one to put to a man who wants you to guess about
eggs. I wonder how it is that I didn't at once think of this ques-
tion. I was simply occupying myself with the vaguest probabilities
without any data to go upon. TELFORD'S friend, having obtained
bis data, which means fifty hens, expresses his guarded opinion that
TELFOKD ought to have had a good lot of eggs. TELFOBD replies
that, as a matter of fact, he had, and informs us that they numbered
nver two thousand. " Put 'em at twopence apiece," says he, know-
ingly, "and that 's money."
My Aunt chimes in, in a hurry, " I 'm sure you must find it very
amusing, and I dare say where you cannot always calocate on such
a very returnable remark — I mean," she says, with a sudden gasp,
"a very remarkable return of eggs, the mere looking after and
attending to the chickens, as we used to do at home, where we
always kept Dorkshires and Fowldoor Barns, as I told my nephew,
and 1 believe they 're the best after all," — gasp, to recover her sen-
tence—" on the whole I should say that, after all, it's far more
repining than mofitable." [Evidently, "more amusing than
profitable," vide Dixon's Johnsonary . ]
TEI.FOBD'S friend now informs us that he has sold eggs at four-
pence apiece. We all say " Indeed ! "
Mental Culi'ulatiun. — Sixty eggs at fourpence equal a pound. If
this could be done every day, evidently there would be " a fortune,"
;,s I'.Mir.EJtORE would put it, " out of Mister Chicken."
Happy Thought.— To ask TELFOKD'S friend, can he do this (this
meaning sixty eggs at fourpence apiece) regularly.
He answers, decidedly, " 0 no, nothing like it. And then," he
adds, " you must deduct for their food."
Their food ? I always had an idea that it cost nothing to keep
poultry ; that, in fact, you gave them anything— chitfly, perhaps,
pepper.
" Lots of oyster- shells," says TELFOBD.
" Greens," says TELFORD'S friend.
" Yes," rejoins TELFOED, " and nettles."
Make useful notes for the future out of this. I can speak with
some authority as to fowls, as I once kept seven in a chicken-house
remind
may
at the Cottage (given up now some years since) where, I rei
TELFORD, with the air of a man who 's reared prize fowls, he
remember "to have seen them.
"Yes," says TELFORD, in his brusque and hearty way, "I
recollect."
" I had some good ones there," I say, knowingly. This is for the
benefit of TELFORD'S friend, who is inclined to be supercilious in
poultry matters.
I rather hope that TELFORD will have forgotten all about them,
and corroborate my estimate of their worth.
" Well," says TELFORD, shutting one eye, and, as it were, putting
himself back three years for the sake of recalling the event of his
visit, "well— um— ' this doubtfully ; he evidently has put himself
back, and is once more by the side of my Fowl-house, "um— yes.
Yon had one old Cochin "
"Very fine old Hen she was," I say, in my character of The
Prize Poultry Rearer.
Happy Thought (in theatrical /orm).— My character, for this
occasion only, solely for The Benefit of TELFORD'S Friend.
" Yes," replies TELFOBD, " that was a fine old Hen. I gave her
to you. But she was too old, and the others were a measly lot." A
measly lot ! If 1 had expected this I wouldn't have asked his
opinion. He continues: " I recollect telling you then that they'd
have done much better as Mulligatawny than as fowls."
TELFORD'S friend laughs, my Aunt smiles, and TELFOBD laughs as
he repeats, " Horrid measly lot."
Happy Thought.— Treat what he says as a joke. Then TELFORD'S
friend will think that they weren't " a measly lot," after all.
But, additional mem, for future Farming use ; note it down as
" P. M. M.— Poultry— Measles— Mulligatawny."
As we 've not got much more time in the train, I ask TELFOKD and
his friend, if they 've, both or either, ever kept pigs.
Yes, both. " Then," to come to the point, " what would you say
about Pigs?"
" In what way ?" asks TELFORD, " for sale, for fattening, or for
breeding?"
Evidently more ways than one of keeping a pig.
Happy Thought.— For Sale. Undoubtedly keep a pig for sale.
You can't make money out of him unless you do sell him.
TELFORD'S friend here interposes. He says, "There's only one
way to make pigs pay. Buy 'em young, very cheap, keep 'em until
they want something to eat, and then sell 'em. I can buy mine at
four shillings, and sell 'em at fifteen, and you 've spent nothing on
their feed."
"But," I ask, diffidently, "they must be very thin?' I was
,oing to say " very hungry," only I don't like to accuse TELFORD'S
riend of cruelty to animals, point blank ; besides, it may not be
considered as cruelty in farming operations.
" No," he says, then adds, as if explaining away any doubt we
might have had on the subject, " they 're not prize pigs, of course."
go
fri
40
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1872.
A SOFT IMPEACHMENT.
Sporting Saxon (mournfully, after three weeks' incessant dovm-pour). " DOES IT ALWAYS RAIN LIKE THIS UP HERB, MB. McFcsKEY?'
Bis Guide, Philosopher, and Friendly Landlord (calmly). " Oo AYE, IT 's A-YE JUST A WEB BIT SHOOEKY." ! 1
As this appears to be satisfactory to TELFOBD and his friend, I
merely reply that "of course, they're not expected to be Prize
Pigs," to which TELFORD'S friend returns, " No, of course not."
And so the subject drops.
Sappy Thought.— Our conversation in the way of taking up and
dropping subjects is quite like a Parliamentary report (or a " Porta-
mentaly Repart," vide D's J.). Some one gets up and aeks, in clear
type (indicative of importance of person or subject), whether the —
whoever it is — is ready to explain whatever it is. Whereupon up
gets the— whoever it is— and does not explain it to anybody's satis-
faction. Then, when you 'd expect a hot controversy on a question
involving so many weighty interests, you find nothing more said,
but merely the words, "The subject was then dropped ; " and in a
jerky manner, up comes the heading of another matter altogether—
" Mines," perhaps — and up gets some one who "wants to know,"
and is cheerfully answered by some one who doesn't know, and then
that subject is dropped.
So we suddenly take up the topic of labour. TELFORD'S friend,
who lives in the south-west of England, supposes that TELFOHD,
who lives in the South Midland, finds labour dear. This, I appre-
hend, is a really vital question.
TELFOBD does find labour dear. I should like to know— always
for information— how many men are necessary where Pigs and
Poultry are kept. (This sounds like an Advertisement—" Wanted,
by a Young Man under Twenty-two, a Place under a Butler, where
a Pig is kept "—or something of that sort. Forget exact instance.
It merely flashes across me while I put the question.) TELFORD
says it all depends upon the size. Of the place he means, not the
pigs.
I say, of course naturally ; and, as a premiss to go upon, say six
pigs and fifty chickens, with cows to match.
" Two men," says TELFORD'S friend, " would do all you (meaning
mel want." He means all that the Pigs, &e., want. I nod.
Now," says he, " I '11 give you a wrinkle." We listen attentively.
When you want labour cheap, don't get the regular fellows.
You "11 have to give them just what every one else does, p'raps more.
But you get Cripples." Here he winks at us knowingly.!
" Cripples ! " exclaims my Aunt.
" Yes," continues TELFOKD'S friend. " Get a fellow whom no one
will have because he 's got a game leg or one arm, or weak in the
eyes. Farmers won't have him, because he's only half a man.
He '11 be only too glad to come to you. Half a man, half a man's
price. You'll find that, just to show what he can do, he'll
work double the amount of a sound 'un. Of course," he says,
reflectively, "if they're weak-backed 'uns, the extra steam they
put on floors 'em, and they go off the hooks early ; but," he adds,
in a reassuring tone, seeing that this last piece of information has
made us a bit gloomy, " but you soon get another. They'd rather
come to you than go to the Workhouse ; and the Workhouse, if it
had got 'em, would give you something to take 'em. It 's a capital
plan."
Happy Thought. — Motto for TELFOKD'S Friend's Farm, "Go it,
ye Cripples ! "
Notes on Farming gathered from conversation overheard or joined
in during train-journey •' —
1. That you give horses green hay in summer. [Query when it's
" green hay " isn't it grass ? When does grass become hay ? Is all
cut grass hay ? if so, mown grass is at once hay. Must find a
Dixon's Farmonary — I mean a Farmer's Dictionary, and look it all
out. Give my mind to this subject and the result, as " Your little
ENGLEMORE " puts it, will be, in time, thousands out of Mister
Turnips and Colonel Pigs.]
2. That in certain cases you give your animal roots. Mem. to
find out which animal, and what roots.
3. Roll your meadow. [Find out why, when, with what, and how
much for labour. How many cripples to roll a meadow ? ]
4. Poultry. Give them nettles, pepper, and oyster-shells. [The
result would be probably curried eggs. But go into this more fully.]
When Hens get old, or measly, make 'em into Mulligatawny. The
worse the hen, the better the Mulligatawny. To induce them
to lay, give 'em chalk eggs. [Can't understand the principle of
this. Must master the principle with a view to scientific farm-
ing. TELFOBD'S friend didn't know " why," but so it was. The
only other use of chalk eggs that I 've hitherto known has been
JOLT 27, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ( IIAIMVARI.
41
A CAD OX CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.
TIIK Noliillaly and Genhry,
They 've got their Two Gun Clubs,
And they practizes gunm ry
Upon Pidgeons at Wormood Serubbs.
And, witch Sport is witnessed by Crowds%and Some
The First Class of the Finest Gurls,
Likewise in the Park of Hurlingham ;
When; the Gunners is Lords and Hurl*.
The Pidgeons ain't of No Account
If their Leggs and Wings is broke ;
But you're lined in Forty Bob's amount
When you wallops a Nedstrong Moak.
Nor Doggs you hain't aloud to File,
Nor Biidjurs for to Drawr.
They're Priviledged Creeters in the Site
Of the Blessed liritish Lawr.
"••-_" x
i V \\' M CVi-\V\V.r\
SUMPTUARY SABBATARIANISM.
WILL Parliament consent to the addition of another
hour to the time for which taverns are compelled to close,
so that people can get no refreshment during excursion
hours on Sunday ? For, if it does, the People will
assuredly draw invidious comparisons between Public-
houses and Clubs. There is obviously no analogy be-
tween those diverse institutions ; but King Mob will
insist upon it that they are just alike ; except in respect
of British freedom; and the lower orders will demand
that the liberties of the higher classes shall be levelled
down to their own. Liquor LAWSON and his confederates
will of course encourage the populace in roaring for
1 equality before the law restraining the sale of "intoxi-
cating fluids," to whose prohibition an immense step will
be made by a supplement to the Licensing Act consisting
in a statute which will shut up Clubs to the same extent
with Public-houses on a Sunday.
FAITH.
Isabel. "THAT'S PARIS AFTER THE SIBGE, TOT; KNOW. ISN'T IT TERRIBLE TO
LOOK AT ? "
Aleck (who has a touching belief in his elder brother). "An ! IF GEOROY HAD
ONLY BEEN THEEE WITH HIS TOOL-BOX, //JS'D HAVE SOON PUT IT ALL TO-RIOHTS,
WOULDN'T HB !"
Distressing Occurrence.
A SAD case of self-destruction is reported, by the
evening papers, from the agricultural districts. Yes-
terday afternoon, about four o'clock, the Wife of a
respectable Farmer who had been in ner usual spirits
all the morning, deliberately went into the dairy and
churned herself.
to encourage Divers. You threw in a chalk egg and a Diver went
in for it. Six chalk eggs for threepence. A chalk egg is a sort of
doll to a Hen. And yet when one comes to reflect but it is
evident that as yet I have not mastered the principle.]
5. Pigs. Buy a pig for four shillings, give him nothing to eat
(this is most inexpensive), and sell him for fifteen. Evidently pro-
fitable. But how to escape, ultimately, Prosecution for Pig Persecu-
tion by the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals !
I remember a book which might be of some use to me — Our Farm
of Four Acres, and what we made by it, or a name something
like it.
Happy Thought. — If I began farm-keeping now, I might in a few
months' time publish a book entitled Our Farm of Four Acres, and
the Jolly Mess we made of it.
0. As to Labour. Happy Thought. — Cripples.
Arrived. London. Tickets and Terminus. My Aunt refers to
her watch and her appetite. "Two o'clock. That 's very fortunate,"
she remarks, " because we can stop at the refreshment-rooms and
have our luncheon. I really am quite upset for the rest of the day,"
she explains to TELFORD, " unless I follow out my vanariable plan,
and always have my puncheon lucktnally." [" Invariable plan,
and "my luncheon punctually," ridt Dixon's Johnsonary, as usual.]
Happy Despatch.
THIS year there has been no Massacre of the Innocents— if we may
trust our WILLIAM. MR. GLAPSTONK said the Bills which Govern-
ment was about to drop were like "criminals standing in a row
awaiting execution." If they resembled criminals, of course they
were quite the reverse of Innocents, more shame for their parents.
There is no occasion to mourn the creatures' untimely end. The
massacred, this time, have been of the same character with those
which usually survive. Had they lived, they would have mostly
helped to make our liberties less, and to increase our annoyances, as
usual.
"SWEET PHOSPHOR, BRING THE DAY."
Quarles.
IT has been courteously intimated to Mr. Punch that the British
Farmer, for whose instruction, and deliverance from perils of false
chemistry, he lately put forth an article on the subject of manures,
might, from pardonable want of habit of close reading, mistake
the meaning of a portion of Mr. Punch's remarks. The B. F. might,
it has been thought, suppose that merely because a substance was
called Phospho-Guano, it necessarily came into the category of
worthlessness. This, however, it is not Mr. Punch'* intention to
imply, for the reason that it would be untruthful. His friend,
BARON LIEBIO, for instance, having examined certain preparations
bearing the above name, and vended by a Liverpool Association,
called the Phospho-Guano Company, testifies thus :—
" I can say with conviction, that I never had in hand a better sort of arti-
ficial manure."
Mr. Punch would deeply regret to mislead his confiding friend
the B. F. That would be " a dismal thing to do." In the interest
of agriculture generally, and in the hope of splendid crops next
year, he would specially remark, that he and BAHON LIEBIO think
together on this matter, and that the B. F. may very wisely doctor
his land with medicaments like those above alluded to. Be it added
that MR. LITTLK himself, whose remarks were the basis of Mr.
Punch's, disclaims any idea of confounding a worthy manufacture
with a quack compound, against which he very properly warns the
bucolic experimentalist.
A "Benevolist" Question.
IT has become customary with a certain sort of persons, using
" iteration," of the kind which Falstaff stigmatises, to quote as
against the better-off classes the question, "Am I my Brothers
Keeper ? " The proper answer to be returned to it and them is
another inquiry :— " Is my Brother a Lunatic ? "
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JULY 27, 1872.
• y
"SUIT YOUR TALK TO YOUR COMPf^^y. "-Handbook of
Mrs. Clovermead. "AND, DAN, YOTT 'LL BRING THE TBAP — (recollecting herself —her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at
the Farm) — Wz SHALL WANT THE CARBIAOE TO DRIVE INTO THB TOWN AFTER LUNCHEON, DANIEL."
Daniel. " YES, MUM— (hesitating— he had noticed the correction)— BE I— (in a loud whisper) — BE I TO CHANGE MY THOWSE'P, MCM ? " I I
LIBEL ON GENEROUS LIQUOR.
CANT words bespeak a snobbish age
Of shams, pretences, false professions,
And quacks, denoted by a rage
For Anglo-Latin-Greek expressions.
E'en Legislators, with no ear
For British, simple as the Druids',
Good liquors, spirits, wine, and beer,
Miscall " intoxicating fluids."
Who gave them that abusive name
First ; what pedantic pompous railer ?
Some Doctor, known through puffs to Fame ?
Some Temperance advertising Tailor ?
Or priggish Pump with speech endowed
Like Platform Orator, red-snouted,
Who poison deemed all drink that flowed
Stronger than he, and his like, spouted ?
OLD SCOTTISH SLANG.
IN an old Scotch Act of Parliament "anent the punishment of
drunkards" a clause adjudges all persons " convict " of drunken-
ness, or tavern-haunting, " for the first fault " to a fine of £3,
" or in case of inability or refusal, to be put in jogges or jayle for
the space of six hours." What was "jogges," as distinguished
from "jayle " ? Possibly a somewhat milder place of detention for
the rather, than that appointed for the very, drunken. If so,
"jogges," in the lapse of time, we may suppose, having lost its
distinctive sense, came to be regarded as simply a synonym of
"jayle," and, as such, now passes current in the People's English
(not to say the QUEEN'S) abbreviated into the contraction "jug."
Thus imprisonment for a state of too much beer might be described
as jug for jug.
IMPATIENCE HATH ITS PRIVILEGE.
So says the immortal Frenchman, JACQUES PIERRE, whose name
has been corrupted into SHAKSPEARE, and who is now habitually
suspected of being an Englishman. What would he say to this fiery
advertisement ? —
T OST.— Reward of Five Pounds. — Stolen, or taken for a "Lark,"
JLj from my Offices, in Skipper Street, a first-class BROWN SILK
UMBRELLA, with a Silver Ring, on which my name was engraved in full.
If returned within three days from the date hereof, the matter will be at
an end, and no questions asked ; if withheld after that Date, I hereby offer a
reward of Five Pounds sterling for such information, either public or private,
as will lead to the conviction of the party BO detaining it. This is not the
first, the second, or the third time I have been tricked in the same way, and I
am now prepared to spend Fifty Pounds, if necessary, to make an example of
somebody, who would, most likely, be highly indignant if he were considered
other than a gentleman, but who I, and I am sure the public and the Press,
will brand as a mean wretch of a thief of the lowest grade.
We can only add what is said to children when inclined to forget
themselves : "There 's a temper ! "
Epigram with Moral.
AGAIN is England victor in the field ;
Again Guildhall receives the Elcho shield ;
Yet well shot, Scotia, well shot, Erin. Sol
Shoots fiercely too. Ice! Soda! Elohohol!
Wimbledon.
FBANTIC DEMONSTBATION.
THE CHANCEIXOB OF TUB EXCHEQUER, one day last week,
acknowledged the receipt of £2 "in stamps" for Income-tax. The
earner of a precarious Income generall-y pays his Income-tax with
stamps and also strong language. Doesn t he wish he could stamp
it out !
d by Joieph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parith of St. Jam**, de-ken well, In the County of Mid Ueiiex. at the Printing <iffice« of M' Mrt. Bra ibury, Ivanj, ft Co., T^m
Btreet, in the Precinct of WUtefrian, in the City of London, and Puhliah ;d by him at No. M, Fleet Street, i i the Parish of St. Bride, City of 1 ondon. -JiiiBDiT, July 17, 1371.
AUGCST 3, 1872.)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
43
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
$1 if ONDAY, July 22. — LOED GBANARD— you must
L m. look back to last week if you don't remember
\ J&&&*./ a^ a^ou^ h'm i it is too h^ t° g° into details
~v^ — saved everybody all trouble by resigning
r ^^ his Lord Lieutenancy. It may be remarked
tbat some previous attempt to obtain an
opinion on this subject from the VICEROY OP IRELAND was met by
the slightly incisive remark that it was not the business of Govern-
ment to advise : it had only the power to dismiss. Well put, LOED
SPENCER.
LOUD BUCKHURST'S Bill (for the protection of children against those
who twist them into Acrobats) having been drawn badly was with-
drawn promptly. The " professors" of the art of tumbling have
been making a great clamour against the measure, and desire us to
believe that the life of a young acrobat is a sort of Paradise, whence
he emerges lissome, daring, and beautiful as " the herald Mercury,
new lighted on a heaven-kissing hill." We should like to hear the
children themselves on the subject, only they might be afraid to
testify.
ME. JACOB HEIGHT aimed another blow at the Sanatory Act touch-
ing which the sentimentalists ululate, and the House, by 140 to 74,
decided that matters should remain as at present.
We talked on Army votes, and the pension to LADY MAYO was
voted, with warm tributes to the merit of the lamented Viceroy, and
then we took the liberty of defeating the Government on the Thames
Embankment question. The Bill for carrying out the preposterous
plan of the CHANCELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER was rejected by 154 to
133. But a new question opens up. It is suggested that Northum-
berland House should be pulled down, in order to the making a fine
road to the Embankment. The DUKE has signified that he will
listen to the reasons why his mansion should be destroyed. This
fine specimen of Jacobean architecture was built about 1605, and it
has histories ; but of course, if it is in the way of the omnibuses and
railway vans, down with it.
Tuesday. — The Lords read the Metalliferous Mines Bill a Second
Time. Would you be surprised to hear that we already protect
women and children to this extraordinary extent? No children
under 15 are sent down into the mines, and women are not worked
more than 12 hours, and— will you believe it P— not at all on Sundays.
There came this evening a terrific thunderstorm, one that will be
mentioned in records. It broke while the Lords were discussing the
Elementary Education Elections Bill, for which the Electricity was
too much ; the Debate could not be heard, and the measure, a
Government one, was thrown out by 46 to 42.
On the question of the Slave Trade on the East Coast of Africa,
there were some very noble and worthy utterances, and especially
did the son of WILLIAM WILBERFORCE deliver himself eloquently
against " the cursed traffic." As his Lordship said, we know little
on the subject, but we ought to know that about 90,000 slaves are
annually exported, and as each costs the lives of many others, it
may be said that from 350 to 500,000 human beings are annually
sacrificed. The Bishop called on Government to appeal to France,
America, and other civilised Powers, for aid to put down the hideous
system. LORD GEANVILI.E said that the horrors of the traffic had
not been exaggerated, and stated that Government was taking active
measures against it. We rejoice to hear it ; but we hope that the
BISHOP OK WINCHESTER and others will from time to time demand
a report of progress.
In the Commons, SIR ROBERT PEEL wished to know if any steps
were beingtaken to prevent the probable iniluxinto this country of the
Jesuits, banished by PRI.VCE VON BISMARCK for plotting against the
safety of Germany. MR. GLADSTONE did not think lightly of the
matter ; " it was indeed a grave and serious one ; " but he was not
prepared with any present reply.
Then was made the announcement that, in consequence of the
Judgment of MB. JUSTICE KEOOH in the Gal way Case, the ATTORNEY-
GENEKAX FOR IRELAND intended to prosecute the Roman Catholic
BISHOP OF CLONFKKT, CAPTAIN- NOLAN, MK. SKUASTIAN NOLAN, and
nineteen Priests, for their conduct at the Gal way election. The Irish
A i TOUNEY-GENERAL (Ma. Dowsu) declared that his duly was plain,
but that it was very painful. There was an efi'ort to show that an
Ordtrof the House was necessary to this prosecution, but all the Law
Oilicers of the Crown had decided that it was not.
Here 3/r. Punch craveth, or rather taketh, leave to interpolate a
remark which wiH save him trouble in the future. Ho raises his hat
in admiration of the cleverness which is being displayed in exalted
quarters. MR. JUSTICE KEOGH, like a rude person, has denounced a
number of ecclesiastics, and others, for mal-practices. ' ' Remove
that profane Judge !" howleth Irishry. "Maintain the (ii'EK.Vs
law ! " shouteth Britishry. Sweetly smiling, comes the Executive,
steering notably, satisfies England and Scotland by upholding the
law, and pleases Ireland (or the rational Papists) by a proseeutiuu
which will make martyrs of the accused Priests, and can by no pos-
sibility be followed by a conviction. Mr. Punch has rarely been
delighted by more dexterous and adroit management. " How blest
are we that are not simple men ! "
Military Forces Localisation (the Druidical Centres) Bill. Much
abuse of soldiers for not being as virtuous as they are brave. SLR
HENHT HOARE made fun of ' ' three peaceful shepherds, who had tuned
their pipes on the Radical benches, on which he also sits ; but when
he called MR. RICHARD the Hon. and Reverend Member, MR. HAD-
ITF.LD, another Dissenter, arose to order. Why the title should
offend, we know not. MR. RICHARD is the son of a Reverend, a
Calvinistic Methodist minister, and was himself for several years
minister at a Dissenting chapel in Southwark. However, SIR HENRY
retracted the reverence.
The above took place in what Posterity may like to know we call
the morning, that is, in the sitting that ended at seven in the evening.
At nine we resumed, and went at the Licensing Bill. It was a very
hot night, and those who were making regulations about other folks'
thjrstiness, had plenty of iced cup ready at hand. Divers Over-
Legislations were attempted, and some Members had an idea that
no boy under fourteen could ever want a glass of beer. A clause was
carried for punishing a publican who may sell such boy a glass.
Then we imposed penalties on drunkenness, and one Member proposed
a heavy fine for being drunk, and another was for Imprisonment ;
but it was finally arranged that for a first offence the fine shall be
Ten Shillings, and then cumulation fines were voted. Well, if tb.<
law be earned out, getting tipsy will be an expensive amusement to
anybody who has not plenty of money. MR. VEHNON HARcouRt
said, on Friday, that unless the Magistrates are lenient, the Act
will send about half our adult male population to prison.
Wednetday.-TS.Ta.. Grxpnr once more aired his Anti-Hanging
notions, and in the usual debate the afternoon was wasted. Mr.
Punch notes that MR. TIPPING, Member for Stockport, made a
courageous and able speech against our tendencies to relaxation of
moral fibre, and to shrinking from duty ; and MB. BHUCE contended
that, as it was clear that the (fallows had a deterrent eft'nct, we were
right to use it. On division, 167 to 54 showed that all the House's
moral fibre is not relaxed, and also that a certain physical fibre, of
the genus Cannabis, is not thought to have lost all its virtue.
Thursday. — The Autumn Manoeuvres, ladies, are thus fixed. The
Southern Army will assemble at Blandf ord on the 17th of August,
and the Northern Army at Pewsey on August 31. It is at Pewsey
that, according to all the books, the wonderful epitaph to LADY
O'LooNEY is to be seen. It describes her as " great niece of BURKE,
commonly called the Sublime," and adds that she was
" Bland, passionate, and deeply religious;
Also she painted in water-colours.
And sent several pictures to the Exhibition.
She was first cousin to LADY JONES,
And of such is the Kingdom of Heayen."
We shall be much obliged to the Northern Army to look into the
church or churchyard, and report to us whether this amazing
inscription is really in either.
To-night in the Commons there was excitement. The gallery and
VOL. T/XITI.
a
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 3, 1&72.
A CLOWN ON CHIGNONS.
I TAKES care my hay to dry
"Well afore my rick I raises ;
'Cause, if damp, 't 'ool heat by-'m-by,
Ees, and bust out into blazes.
So. you gals, that stacks your hair
Fur above, in Men's opinions,
All you could by Natur' wear,
Mind you always airs your chignons.
For, like hay-ricks sometimes fires
Of theirselves, put moist together,
So them hair-ricks we admires
Also med, this here hot weather.
Though the heads o' them we love,
Flarun' up outright bo n't many,
How them hair-ricks must, above,
Bake the brains below— if any !
FROM THE SISTER ISLE.
" MASTER'S AWAY MOM HOOT, SIB. WOULD YOU PLEASE TO LEAVE YOUE
NAME?"
" FAIX, AN' WHAT SBOTJLD I BE LAVIN* MB NAMK TORE, KEDAD ! WHEN HE
KNOWS MS QUITE WELL ? "
BRAVERY AND BOOTY.
ON Thursday last MR. STANSFELD, the President of
the Local Government Board, was to have distributed
the prizes gained by the lads of the Goliath training-
ship, lying off Grays, Essex; but, as the boys were
wanted to attend the school-drill in Hyde Park before
the PBINCE OF WALES, the distribution of those prizes
had to be postponed. This postponement, however, will
not be for long ; and let us hope that there will be no
greater delay in the distribution of prizes which the lads
of the Goliath may one day gain when they are men.
By that time, perhaps, a great deal more promptitude
will have come to be practised in giving both sailors
and soldiers their due winnings, so that the former will
then not be forced to wait for them so long as the latter
have now been for the Kirwee prize-money.
A Blot Hit.
YES ; 'neath over-legislation,
VEENON HAECOURT, groans this nation.
Statutes, to compel behaving
Prettily, are men enslaving.
Freedom is— defend its cause !—
No unnecessary laws.
lobbies were filled with Irish. For the Keogh debate was to come
on. The weather was fearfully hot. Do you want to know what
happened ? You must be content with brevity. Ma. BUTT made a
worse speech, against ME. JUSTICE KEOQH, than could have been
expected from an able advocate. He talked for an hour and a half.
Then the House went to dinner, and MB. MITCHELL HENET took up
the theme. ME. BUTT moved for a Committee of the whole House
to consider the Keogh judgment, and the complaints against it.
MB. I'IM moved that the language of the judgment was objection-
able, but that no interference was called for. ME. PATEICK SMYTH
abused ME. JUSTICE K KOCH, omitting his title, and catching a smart
rebuke from the SPEAKEE.
The ATTOBNEY-GENEBAL opposed Motion and Amendment, and
approved the prosecution of the Priests, who had mixed things sacred
and profane 111 such a manner as to bring discredit on the great
religious communion to which they belonged. It was not for the
House to criticise faults of taste and temper.
Ma. HENEY JAMES delivered a bold and elaborate defence of MB.
JUSTICE KEOGH. vindicating his denunciations of the offenders, and
adding (you will remember that ME. JAMES is no Orange-man or
Tory, but an advanced Liberal)—
" It ia not to technical prosecutions — it is not to the chances of a verdict
from an Irish jury— you mutt look to correct this evil. It is to public opinion
freely expressed that you must look for the correction. I know how weak the
voice of an individual is ; but the voice of Parliament is strong, and the voice
already heard to-night, with no uncertain sound, will re-echo through the
breast of every man of every class, of every creed, of every party, and may
assist to teach this proud priesthood that within this realm no allegiance can
be allowed save to our Sovereign — (loud cheers) — and no obedience save to our
laws. (Protracted cheering.)"
There was more debate, and the House wished to have the affair
finished, but the Irishmen would not hear of this. MB. GLADSTONE
and MR. DISEAELI both urged that the debate should be closed.
Adjournment was moved, and there were 350 against it, to 59 for
it. This vote really settled the question, and marked the opinion
of the British House of Commons on the attacks upon MB. JUSTICE
KEOGH. But anybody can go on moving adjournments, and this
system being resorted to, MB. GLADSTONE gave way, and the
resumption was fixed for the next Monday. To show you how hot the
night was, Mr. Punch adds that ME. FAWCETT, having moved an
Amendment on a legal Bill, was told by the ATTOBNEY-GENEBAL
that the Amendment meant, either that MR. FAWCETT was a fool,
or he, SIB JOHN COLEBIDGE, was a knave.
' Our bloods obey the heavens."
The
Friday.— Fag-ends of legislation now " engross us wholly."
Lords took up a good many, rejecting the worser sort.
In the Commons we had more Liquor Debate, and a wholesome
clause was passed for compelling an adulterating Publican to have his
sentence exposed at his own shop-door. This, and the remarks of
his jeering customers, will conduce to bring the evil Bung into a
happy frame of mind, and we pity his barmaid.
Debate on Improving the Law, but it was felt to be waste of time.
ME. GLADSTONE made fun of MR. WHALLEY, declaring him to be a
most wonderful man, who knew things that nobody else knew.
Saturday. — Yes, Madam, the poor Commons were driven to work
on Saturday, and they again took the Liquors Bill, and, we hope,
refreshed themselves with experiments on the subjects of their
discourse.
Tragedy in Lambeth.
ARCHBISHOP CBANMER died by fire.
To Ritualists if that 's a joke,
AHCUBISHOP TAIT will them inspire
With mirth if he should die by smoke.
ACOOBT 3, 1672.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
CONSIDERATE.
— (He had kept his hand
Daniel. " No, MU'M, THANK?' M'UM. Bur I WAS AFEARD, M'uii I 'VE BEEN A. HA VINO INOONB AT MY DINNER, M'UM III"
Mrs. Clovermead. " WHAT'S THE MATTER, DANIEL ^(tte had kept his hand to his cheek during the drive.) — HAVE TOT; OOT A TOOTH-
ACHE!"
A NATIONAL WARNING.
LIQUOB LAWSON, look here ; this is from Allen's Indian Mail: —
" BEEP AND liKKR IN INDIA. — BABOO R/tJENDBALEH MlTTHA Surprised
bis audience at the last meeting of the Asiatic Society of Bengal by his paper
on the use of beef in ancient India. Imagine the horror of the more ortho-
dox among them at being told by one of their most learned sages that, according
to old Sanskrit writings, the it imlu.-t were a beer-drinking and beef-eating
race. . . . The Baboo held that Brahmins ate beef until the first century
B.C., when they began to follow the example of their Buddhist rivali. No
authority older than the seventh century after Christ can be quoted, it seems,
against the use of beef."
The livers of animals slaughtered for sacrifice, the BABOO informed
his hearers, " were roasted and reserved for the priests as tit-hits,
which they washed down with draughts of ' soma beer,' " and, as
PLATO would have said, no doubt that aaita. beer had body in it.
Now, LIQUOR LAWSON, see what the Hindoos have come to in little
more than a thousand years' time by disusing beef and beer. The
analogies of language, you know, prove ourselves to be a branch of
the Indo-European family, come of the same original stock as the
Hindoos. Look at the difference between us ana our rice-eating,
water-drinking, poor relations, the Brahmins. If you had your
way, British and Anglo-Saxon posterity would in a few generations
be reduced to a level with those herring-sided, enfeebled Lascars
and Coolies. They are black, most of them ; and if we also were to
adopt vegetarian and teetotal habits, as their forefathers, apostate
from good living, did, our own race, doubtless, in time would turn
black too. Will you say that you want to enforce Teetotalism only,
and not Vegetarianism also ? Well, but if you succeed in shutting up
public-houses, somebody else, equally reasonable with yourself, will,
with equal reason,' demand the suppression of butchers'-shops, and
the nation of milksops that will have submitted itself to restriction
at your bidding will be likely enough to let that other place them
under further restraint. A pretty progeny, then, JOHN BULL will
have some centuries hence— precious descendants of once beef-
eating and beer-drinking Britons ! Go to, then, LHJUOB LAWSON,
unless you will come round and liquor up ; liquor, and let others
liquor, especially in this hot weather.
DENBIGH THE DAUNTLESS.
AT the sympathy-with-Jesuits meeting, the other afternoon, LOUD
DENBIGH said :—
whereas those who knew them
constitution of their order to
" The Jesuits were held up as intriguers, w
well knew that it was distinctly against the
mix themselves up in any intrigue."
"We hate to be vulgar, but we may quote DICKENS' Mr. Bucket.
" Do you know why they killed the pig P" " No." " Because he
had so much cheek. Now, does LORD DENBIGH expect anybody to
be deluded by such indescribable gammon ? He must gauge our
intellects by an odd standard — we will not be uncivil enough to
suggest what it is.
Acrobats and Asses.
WHAT is an Acrobat ? Literally, one who goes aloft. A sailor ii
an acrobat in the strictest sense of the word. Whether as mounte-
banks or as sailors, acrobats go aloft to earn their bread. For that
purpose the nautical and spectacular acrobats alike risk their necks ;
acrobats of either sort are liable to be tumblers. The consistent
prohibition of acrobats' performances would be impracticable, the
Eartial prevention of them absurd ; hut these considerations do not
;ssen the wonder that the fools who pay to see them enough to
make them profitable, are so numerous.
JUSTICE TO AMERICA.
" CHABGE, BENNETT, charge ! On, STANLEY, on ! "
So came last news from LIVINGSTONE.
46
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 3, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
(A Start for Foreign Parts. Old and New Friends. Off.}
us "little" ENGLEMORE
calls on us with informa-
tion. " I 've got," he says,
" Mister Berth for you.
Best cabin. One for the
Colonel, and one for you,
Ma'am." My Aunt thanks
him, and requests further
particulars, which he pro-
ceeds to (five, in his own
way, " ]litr<>» Xnxi'i/, Sun-
day at Twelve. Be there
rather before, say eleven-
thirty, because of Mister
Luggage. Horrid bore,
Mister Portmanteau."
I tell him that I quite
remember all these details,
having been by the Baron
several times. Upon this
ENGLEMORE remarks to
my Aunt, " Then you're
Little All-right, Ma'am.
The Colonel knows the
ropes. Wish I was going
with you." Why can't he ? Why ? " he answers, " because, first
of all, there 's Mister Business in Town. Then there 's Mister Furni-
ture in new House. Just finished. Man stained floors. Gas laid
on. Kitchen stove gone mad, I mean cracked. Went home the
other evening, found Mrs. Cook swimming about. Mister Boiler
burst; no dinner for your Little ENGLEMORB, and jolly mess
everywhere."
My Aunt condoles with him. " She knows," she says, " by ex-
perience the nuisance of furnishing and bursters boiling." She
means boilers bursting, of course, and, " said so." But, she supposes,
slily, that MR. ENOLKMOHE is only prepating to renounce the bachelor
state.
"Ah," says ENGIEMOBE, blushing slightly, "don't know yet.
We shall see. Settle up for Mister Furniture, and settle down after-
wards." Then turning to me, " I'll be on the look-out for Mister
Farm. I 'm going into the Midlands for a week's fishing. Going to
see Major Trout. Catch him at home. Then you '11 be back before
Mr. Grouse and Mister Oyster turn up. If you see anything
in the way of furniture while you 're away, don't forget your Little
ENGLEMOBE."
On his saying good-bye to us we once more allude, pleasantly, to
his intended (evidently intended) marriage. My Aunt, who is not
to be put off the scent of a genuine match by any pretence of his as
to fishing, observes that she supposes he is to bring home a bride
from the Midlands ? " Aha ! " he returns to my Aunt, " you know too
much for me, Ma'am. Talking of that, I was trying to write a song,
you know," this to me. I nod, but don't know ; however, that^s
"J.nA° 'mP1orta]n,ce- " ' A Hieland lass my love was born.' I made
t A Midland lass my love was born,' only I couldn't get any farther.
Mr- Poetry is not my name. Don't know how it 's done. Good-bye.
I 11 have my eye on something for you. I know sort of thing. A
Nook, that s what you want. You 'd nook all day if you had one.
Good-bye. Love to Mister Germany." I notice that he has at
once made a verb of " nook." In ENGLEMOBE'S grammar
Happy TJiought.— Grammar of the Future, by Your Little ENGLE-
HORE.— In such a Grammar "to Nook" would signify "to remain
in a secluded spot in the country," and would be conjugated " I
"0 ' A* no.okest' He nooks> &c-" Imperative— " Nook I " i.e.
her?
why
beer,
i. "* ." , . , -- n, »•*-» ,f ii^»A j. no.0 UV1UK IUI USCU IU
live) in a secluded spot in the country," &c. But what a saving of
Then at dinner-" Will you mutton ? " "Do you eucum-
or while one « about it, with a new grammar of the future,
er' I°8u 0^7,mberez-VOII8? OT " Cucumber-you ? " " You 'll
"I '11 wire," continues ENGLEMOKE, "if Mister Farm turns up.
t you see Colonel Sideboard or Major Armchair anywhere,
wire ( price, as, at present, my name 's Mister Furniture. Good-
And so he leaves us, having probably, as my Aunt suggests been
s . ' rou- «« oocue
Slooks ( secluded Nooks » rule my Aunt's Dixon's Johnsonary),
in order to avoid any further questioning about his marriage.
Aunt, under the impression that St. Katherine's Wharf is at least
ten miles from any known centre, determines upon starting early.
Lsual sombre drive through the urbs martnormn, with the shutters
up on Sunday morning. City looking as if it had been hard at
work over-night trying to scrub itself clean, and couldn't for its
very life get the dirt out of its ruts and wrinkles. Lines of hard-
featured respectabilities going to church; Paterfamilias looking
devotionally uncomfortable in his clean, starched collars. If it
wasn't for Materfamilias and the girls, who require his presence as
a background to their Sunday finery, he would have preferred
stopping at home, in his shirt-sleeves, to " tot up " his accounts.
Now we leave Eastern Christianity, and, penetrating farther into
the Oriental quarter, we come into a Parochial Palestine ! Here, on
one side are the names of Mister Moses, S. Isaacs, and Jacob Marx,
faced, on the other, by Solomons, Cohen, and Aaron Levi. Genuine
good old D'Israelic titles, ungenteelised as yet by substituting an
"a " for an "o," or a "y" for an "i." It seems as if a whole
colony of German Jews had landed here, and, having been thoroughly
knocked up by the voyage, never cared to unsettle themselves again.
St. Katherine's Wharf, intended for the arrival and departure of
passengers. St. Katherine's Wharf offers the smallest amount of
accommodation possible. Abroad, whether at a small station, or on
a quay, or at any place specially intended for passenger traffic,
the traveller, generally, will find comfort, and even elegance. But,
in England— generally not.
" Well, thank Heaven," says my Aunt, piously, "that it doesn't
rain, and we can stand on the wharf among the luggage."
The Baron is not yet ready to receive us — he is being washed and
tidied.
My Aunt occupies herself in asking me if I don't think every
fresh arrival on the wharf is a foreigner. She founds her remarks
on the supposition that most of the royageurs must inevitably be
foreigners ; or, if they are not now, she has some sort of idea they
will become foreigners during the voyage, and appear as something
quite different (as in a Pantomime) when we shall land in Antwerp.
" That 's a German, I 'm sure," says she, pointing to a stout man
in spectacles, with a young lady, rather pretty, in a costume of
many colours.
Happy Thought.— To call her "Josephine," on account of the
costume of many colours.
The pair are standing near us. My Aunt is commencing some
•emarks on the young lady's high-heeled boots, and other pecu-
iarities of what she considers foreign toilette, when Mister German
;urns to me, and says, with an accent (from the north of England),
' Can you tell me, Sir, when this Baron Osy '11 be ready to take us
aboard."
Igive him my opinion. Pretty girl his— daughter ? or, niece ?
Happy Thought. — As a co-voyageur, to speak to her sans fagon,
' Is she a good sailor ? " She is shy and simpers.
" She doesn't know," she says, simpering. •' She 's never yet been
;o sea," simpering. Northern accent.
Happy Thought.—" Northern Farmer " and his daughter. " Pro-
>erty, Property," &c. Perhaps he's going to examine German
Agriculture. Pick up a lot from him on the voyage. Always
ricking up.
Happy Thought (Musical). — " Where are you going to, my pretty
maid ? " Keep this to myself.
The Baron is almost ready to receive us. There is a good deal of
shouting in an unknown tongue by two dapper gentlemen in smart
naval uniforms, a considerable amount of gesticulation, confused
noises of chains, cranes, planks, engines, and plunging of horses
bjecting to being embarked on board the gallant Osy.
Ancient porters, who look as if they couldn't carry a bandbox,
itagger away under the weight of my Aunt's trunks, and a burly
'ellow with a badge— in ENGLEMORE' s grammar of the future, "A
Badger "—insists upon relieving me of my hand-bag.
Happy Thought.— Keep my eye on him.
Six porters stagger in, and against us, with boxes, portmanteaus,
and bags ; then a maid-servant with rugs, bundle ot parasols and
iticks ; then a sharp-looking, funny little man, looking as if he 'd
>een taken directly off a German bon-bon box, carrying a plaid, a
imall hag, and another bundle of sticks, umbrellas, and parasols.
' Dis vay, Sir ! " he is saying to a lady and gentleman following him.
Two porters deposit a large portmanteau almost on my Aunt's toes
ireparatory to heaving it up again and carrying it on board.
Che name attracts my attention.
" MIIBURD," in large letters.
My Aunt takes my arm. I turn and see, no doubt about it, MIL-
rai) with a lady on his arm. We recognise one another. He
asks me if I know the Duchess? The who? I say looking
.owards the lady on his arm. "Now then, Sir, this way,"
houts somebody. More directions in unknown tongue. " Now,
Sir.'" says gruffly, just behind me a voice which apparently
>roceeds from a huge box on two legs. My Aunt pulls me to
vhat I believe is called "the gangway." The Northern Farmer
las his northern elbow in my ribs ; he is tugging at his daughter
or niece), my Aunt is tugging at me, MILBUHD is tugging at
.he Duchess, boxes in front of us, boxes behind us, boxes threaten-
ng our heads and toes, a vague fear pervading every one that the
AUGUST 3. 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
liaron will get tired and suddenly steam off without us, and so we
all crowd on to one another, hustle, crush, tight, struggle and fume
until we suddenly find ourselves on board. .
' ' This way, Sir ! " remonstrates some official .belonging to the
Baron, and we are on board. Morecrush. People hurry ing below (they
call it " down-stairs ") and demanding beds and accommodation.
Happy Thought, — Got our Berths. We shall be Mister Comfort-
able. Polite and cool steward at table taking down names in a boo!
and apportioning berths to those who haven't previously engage
them. MILBTTHD is explaining, jocosely as usual, " Yon needn'
give us the state cabin, as Her Royal Highness " —
" Name, Sir ?" asks the Steward in the most business-like way
People about, thinking that MILBURD is only wasting time, don'
laugh, I am glad to say. lie answers, "Mit. and MRS.
and I'Yiend."
MILBURB married! !
PIOUS CONSPIRACY.
1 : 1 1 KNTIY has been held, at Willis's Rooms, " an influential meet-
ing "convened by the "Catholic Union," for the purpose of protesting
against the recent edicts expelling the religious orders from Ger-
many and Italy. Among these Catholic Protestants were severa
lords and numerous ladies ; at the head of them was the DUKE 01
NORFOLK, who took the chair. ABCHBISHOP MANNING attended, o:
course, together with the learned and eloquent dignitary who i«
his right-hand man ; and the Post says that : —
"MoNSiONOR CAPELs*id— To those who would ask whether we shoulc
interfere with the people of Italy and the people of Germany in their affain,
he replied that the Church of Homo wag one perfect whole, each obeying
working, and conspiring for the general good."
For the general good of its own members ? Of course. For the
particular good of the Temporal Popedom ? No doubt. But in
conspiring for these objects, the Church of Rome, unfortunately,
appears to the Italian Government, and to PRIXCE BISMARCK, to
have conspired against the unity of Germany and of Italy. Appear-
ances are often imaginary, and Statesmen weak ; but if MONHI<;NOK
CAPKL wishes to procure a revocation of the political orders expelling
ths religious orders from those countries, he might as well, perhaps,
persuade the Church of which he is an ornament to condescend to
clear itself from the charge of conspiracy, that is of conspiring for a
purpose beyond that which he acknowledges it to conspire/
In the Times report of this same meeting, ARCHBISHOP MANNING
and LORD DENBIGH are represented also to have made remarkable
statements. The noble Earl observed that :—
"It would be wise to look beneath the surface, and to ask how it was that
•uch injustice could be done and the world not rise against it, and he ac-
counted for thia by saying that we lived in an age of shams. The Jesuits had
been misrepresented. "
We do, indeed, live in an age of Shams, whether the Jesuits have
been misrepresented or not, and whether they have or have not been
limited by JUDGE KEOGH'S sentence as to their representation in
Parliament. Shams, certainly, do abound in this age ; but it is not
very lately that we have heard of a winking statue or picture;
whence it will not perhaps appear very surprising that the Most
Reverend Prelate spoke as follows :
" ITe saw this great meeting of the laity, he said, with great satisfaction,
because in this age, which LORD DENBIGH had called one of Shams, and
which he would call one of Superstitions, they had given a formal and suffi-
cient contradiction to a superstition which seemed to hang in the air of Eng-
land, and to be received by the most intelligent journalist*— namely, that the
Catholic laity of England were unable to go alone."
_ This notion, on the part of those journalists, may be a mistake, but
in what respect it is a superstitious one too, few ordinary people will
probably discern. To see that requires as sharp an eye for supersti-
tion as DR. MANNING'S, on which he is to be congratulated very
much.
It may edify some of our readers to know that, a resolution having
been put to the vote : —
"Sin CHARLES CLIFFORD, who seconded the resolution, said it might be
some consolation to think that the fate of JULIAN the Apostate was not un-
likely to befall PHDJCS BISMARCK."
SIB CHAHIBS CLIFFOHD was evidently joking. Of course he
wishes and hopes that BISMARCK will be converted and do penance.
1 he fate of JULIAN the Apostate, moreover, is not that which usually
befalls a Statesman who has provoked the Jesuits. There was no
necessity for an inquest on the body of JOTJAN, and it seems very
unlikely that PRINCE BISMARCK will fall on the battle-field.
•* w he,m,ea^U? the Catholic Union will perhaps do best for
itself and the Religious Orders whom it would vindicate by perse-
verance in ridiculing BISMARCK for being afraid of them, and by
incessantly repeating or suggesting to the British Public and al
Europe that he is an old woman. Say that BISMARCK and VICTOR
EMMANUEL are shams, and ideas of Jesuitical intrigues superstitions
and let not the coarse Protestant tell you that the less you say o:
superstitions and shams, the better.
OVER-LEGISLATION.
E following Notices
of Motion for leave
to bring in Bills,
have been given foi
the next Session oi
Parliament : —
A Bill to put an
end to the delete-
rious habit, by Mo-
thers, of addressing
nonsensical words
to infants and young
children, and for
enacting that any
Mother, speaking to
her child, shall use
the language ol
grown-up people.
A Bill for pre-
venting all persons
leaving churches,
or other places oi
worship, from com-
mencing secular
talk until they shall
be at least fifty
yards from sucn
edifice.
A Bill for prohi-
biting any persons who may attend a musical or theatrical enter-
tainment, from speaking to one another except in whispers, or
between the acts.
A Bill for preventing any person from eating an orange in a street
or other place of public passage, unless he shall have previously, in
the presence of a police-constable, peeled the said orange, and de-
posited the peel in a receptacle to be provided by the rate-payers of
the locality.
A Bill to prohibit any person from suddenly stopping in the street
to look in at a shop-window, and thus interfering with the progress
of other passengers.
A Bill for preventing acquaintances or others from standing to
talk in the street, to the hindrance of the public, and for providing
recesses at various points where persons desirous of conversation may
enjoy it without interference with the public interest.
A Bill forbidding all persons to sneeze loudly in any public tho-
roughfare where there is danger of terrifying horses.
A Bill preventing persons from kindling cigars on the sea-shore,
eat the pilots of vessels should be deceived by the lights, and marine
property be endangered.
A Bill prohibiting any person from offering a bet upon any subject
whatever, without a Magistrate's certificate that the wager is not
iontrary to morality, and without entering into security to liquidate
;he said wager when decided.
A Bill for checking the employment of objectionable language,
and for imposing fines on the use of any Pagan oaths, aa " By Jove 1 "
of any exaggerations or untruths, as " I have not seen you for an
age! " " You have been a month on the errand ! " and of all sng-
festions of comparison between an event and the Principle of Evil,
as, " It rained like the Deuce."
A Bill for making it unlawful to use false and conventional termi-
lations to letters, and for abolishing the phrases, " Your obedient
nimble servant," and the like, but with provisions that no restrio-
ion shall apply to letters between persons entitled to exchange
affectionate language.
A Bill for prohibiting gutter-children from blowing tin whistles,
which make a distressingly monotonous noise, and for sending
(Senders to the Royal Academy of Music, for instruction in better
instruments.
A Bill providing for a quarterly return, from every householder,
->f the general behaviour of each member of his household, with
;pecial accounts of any irregularities, distinguishing them under the
leads of religious, moral, and social, and with statements of the
means he has employed for punishing the same, and preventing their
•ecurrenee. The oases of children under three years old not to be
included in the return.
48
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.1'
[AUGUST 3, 1872.
AT LOSS FOR A WORD.
Distinguished Foreigner. " ACH ! MEES s I I GONCIUTULADE 7ou vaon BE POTTOM OF My HARRT ! I You HAVE BLAYED AND /UNO
KVJ TK— KV1TE—
Fair Performer. " QUITE EXECRABLY ?"
Distinguished Foreigner. "Acn! YES I DAFS is DE VOKT !— <jr/r« ExxKRAPir! "
CHIT-CHAT.
Miss AMY PINCHDOL, a young p^aniste, aged Beven, has just
achieved the stupendous task of playing the first eight bars of " In
my Cottage" with one hand, nine times consecutively, in the
course of two hours. Should there be a public competition, she will
probably obtain the first prize.
MB. SMUGGINS, of Boon's Buildings, Bethnal, whose decease was
reported some weeks ago, ia alive.
MASTEB JOHNNY SMITH, aged eleven on the 10th of May last
will attain his twelfth year (D.V.) on the occasion of his next
birthday.
MB. JfaiGG, member of various "West End Clubs, will shortly ex-
hibit his valuable Loan Collection of Umbrellas.
Two flies were caught and killed the other day in the neighbour-
hood of llegent's Park.
MB. Doo WALKEB found London too hot for him last week. His
bills were £12,000 at the hottest part of the day. He is now in the
shade.
HKBB HEBMANN, the distinguished German, took off his hat the
other day no less than a hundred and fifty times between seven A.M.
and ten P.M. He finally took himself off. He is now in England
for the benefit of his hat.
The Grand National Swimming Match will, it is hoped, take place
this year in the Thames above Henley. The sole condition is, that
tne competitors must never have been in the water on any occasion
previous to the day of the match. The prize is to be a good whole-
some cake— of Brown Windsor.
BABON ROTHSCHILD purchased sixpenn'orth of strawberries for
nvepence ready money. It is supposed that he could not spare more
on account of the New South Austrian Loan.
A new system of ventilation has been invented for the use of some
pt our theatres. Two or three stupid plays, and nothing attractive
in artistes, and the house, will be quite empty and charmingly cool
MB. ROBINSON had excellent sport off Twickenham bank on Wed-
nesday last. He hooked as many as twenty worms in the course of
the day. Shoals of sticklebacks and gudgeon were seen in the
neighbourhood of his punt. At 8 P.M. he caught a train and hooked
it by the South- Western line.
1267 jokes about "bores, big bores, and small bores," were made
during the Wimbledon meeting. The total shows a decrease of
three jokes on the word " bore " since 1868.
No new subject of Ball-practice-conversation has been introduced
during the present Season.
Home Rule and Home Speaking.
JUDGE KEOGH a speech intemperate made,
Says Bun (upon Home llule who trades,)
Because he called a Spade a Spade,
And Knaves of Spades, too, Knaves of Spades.
A Circular on Circulars.
THE senders by post of Circulars inviting people to take shares in
new Joint-stock Companies are hereby informed that the paper on
which their prospectuses are printed is of a very unsatisfactory
quality. It is so stiff that it does not lend itself to the purpose of
wrapping things up, and so little combustible that when ignited it
goes out almost directly, and is therefore of no use to light a pipe
with or a cigar.
EPIGBAM BY OBQEM.
THE Lords' the " fly- wheel." Lor ! how ill I feel !
Nay, HATHEBLEY, fl the fly upon the wheel."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— AUGUST 3, 1872.
. .
ADOLPHE THE ALCHEMIST.
(A TALE OF WONDER AND ENCHANTMENT.)
AUGUHT 3, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIJIVART.
•
PRE-CONSUMPTION OF FOOD.
a short time ago.
in the House of
Commons, Mi:.
Mratz inquired
whethcrthe Govern-
ment would not
advise HER MA-
JF.STY to issue a
Royal Proclamation
enjoining loyal sub-
jects to abstain for
the present from
the consumption of
veal and lamb until
the stocks of cattle
and sheep were
restored to their
former numbers,
there was cachin-
nation. The Lan-
cet, with keen " ite-
ration," remarks: —
"When MR. MUXTZ
gave notice of his in-
tention to ask this
question, his notice U
said to have been re-
ceived with 'laughter'
— a laughter little
creditable to those from whom it came, and very suggestive of that ' crackling
of thorns under a pot ' which was once spoken of by a great authority."
The merry gentlemen, whose denomination the Lancet neatly
suggests deserve it with a difference. If fishing may be defined as
" a stick and a string, with a fish at one end and a fool at the other,"
they are not such fools as fishers — who know something. If they
were, they would at any rate know that anglers, happening to have
hooked a quarter-of-a-pound trout, for instance, throw it back
again. They are unaware that the destruction of young salmon is
disallowed, and that the meshes of nets used in the Thames must
not be under a certain size. If they were fishermen, however,
doubtless all would be fish that came to their net. They would
grumble at being compelled to return small fish to the river, and if
they saw any one do it of his own accord they would laugh him to
scorn. How should they see that the economy of flesh ;is nowise
more ridiculous than that of fish ; and that, as young fry killed are
big fish wasted, so, to compare things vegetable with things animal,
lamb and veal are beef and mutton nipped in the bud ?
FASHIONABLE ECONOM "> .
SYMPATHISING MR. Pr/NCH,
\Vini steaks and mutton chops at fifteen pence a pound,
and coals in the dog-days at six-and-thirty shillings a ton, surely
the father of a family may be excused if he calls over the latter
costly article of consumption any member of his household who is
wasteful or extravagant. If the dressing of his dinner cost him
nearly double what it did a few years since, he surely may be
pardoned if he inculcates economy in the dressing of his daughters,
and even of his wife. Yet how little is his preaching likely to be
listened to, while his girls can read the newspapers, and find in
them such demoralising paragraphs as this : —
" For evening dress at present there U no special novelty. If possible, the
trains are longer, and it u impossible to put too many flounces, flowers, and
puffings on the tarlatine, gauze, grenadine, or tulle skirt*."
\Vhat is the good of a paternal sermon on the virtue of economy,
while it is esteemed the fashion to be profuse in dresg f One would
have thought that, merely for their comfort's sake, ladies in the
dog-days would abstain from over-dressing, and would choose
simplicity of clothing rather than profusion of flounces, flowers,
and furbelows, which in midsummer must surely be a burthen to
their backs. But Fashion is their Idol, and they sacrifice them-
selves in obeying the behests of those who are its priests : and their
unlucky fathers, too, may count themselves its victims, for they
have to pay the piper, while their daughters, in rich dresses a yard
or so too long for them, go out evening after evening to tear their
skirts to rags and tatters in the mazy dance.
Without the slightest hope that any girl of mine will ever con-
descend to listen to the voice of wisdom, I beg of you to publish my
faint protest against fashion and its follies, and subscribe myself
Yours humbly, SOLOMON SOLON SMITH.
PROGRESSIVE INTELLIGENCE.
I\ the Pout has appeared a full true and particular account of a
new political party, with a new platform, stated to have been
organised by MR. SAMUEL MOHI.BY, II. P., on the nineteenth of June
last at the Cannon Street Hotel, and to include among its constitu-
ents the patriots who used to meet in that other public-house once
named the Hole-in-the-Wall. For the rest, its composition may be
inferred from the following list of the leaders who form its Com-
mittee : —
" MR. CREMER, of the Workmen's Peace Society ; MR. MOTTIUIHTO,
Labour Representation League ; MR. ODOKH, aide-de-camp to Sin CHARLFS
DILKF, ; MR. GALHH.UTH, of the 'Hole-in-the-Wall' Club; Citizen
Lr, LUBKZ, of the Urndluugh Republicans ; Citizen ECCAIUUS, of the
International ; MR. EVANS, Land Tenure Association j MR. PATTERSON,
Workmen's Club Institute ; Citizen BOON, of the International ; MR. SAVAOE,
and MR. OSUORNE."
It can hardly be necessary to quote the details of a " platform "
comprehending the above-named Representative Men. One of their
points is, of course, Manhood Suffrage. If they succeed in carrying
this, the most illiberal of Conservatives will be unable to deny them
credit for completing the Ballot Bill. Doubtless Manhood Suffrage
for the New Party will mean Manhood Suffrage and no exceptions.
What if a Citizen is in trouble ? A man's a man for a' that. What
if he be of unsound mind ? He is still a man, and, as to a madman,
it might even be a question whether he ought not, indeed, to have
two votes, being a man beside himself. Furthermore, criminals and
lunatics may be regarded as classes, having their special interests,
and therefore a claim to special representation. The principal
Prisons and Asylums for the Insane and Imbecile might accordingly
be empowered to send representatives to Parliament — as the chief
Universities do. Thus there might be Members for Bethlehem and
St. Luke's, for Colney Hatch and Earlswood, and perhaps there will
in case of the triumph of Ms. MORLEY'S platform.
SA.GACITY OF THE SNAKK.
IN a letter on " Snake Takers," a Correspondent of the Timet.
" W. S." give* an account of a visit made by him to a lady and
gentleman who keep serpents, and pet them as other people do cats
and dogs. Concerning a boa-constrictor, " W. S." tells the follow-
ing snake story, than which there was never heard a better ; ao,
not in the United States : —
"About a year ago MR. and MRS. M. were away for about six weeks, and
left the boa in charge of the keeper at the Zoo. The poor reptile moped,
slept, and refused to be comforted, but when his master and mistress appeared,
he sprang upon them with delight, coiling himself around them, and showing
strong symptoms of intense delight."
The journal which, among its general news, contains this anec-
dote, will soon, perhaps contain, in one of its advertising columns,
some such an announcement as : — " Lost ; a Boa, supposed to have
strayed from " such or such a distinguished neighbourhood ;
" answers to the name of Rover." Or— il For Sale, a Python, of
extraordinary docility, and thirty feet long ; can fetch and carry,
and is a capital water-snake." Large serpents will perhaps come
into employment in lieu of house-dogs; they cannot bark, indeed,
but, though not venomous, they can bite hard enough to hold a
burglar fast, and, instead of barking, they can hiss on occasion of
alarm. Pythons and boas will be seen in the streets, following at
the heels of gentlemen and ladies, and will accompany their masters
out shooting over heather and stubble, serving in the capacity of
pointers ana retrievers. A huge boa. according to " W. S., twined
playfully round MBS. M.'s waist and neck, and coiled itself into a
kind of turban upon her head. Equally gentle and sagacious,
another reptile of the same species might doubtless be educated to
be a performing boa, and hereafter the British Public may be from
time to time entertained with poses plasfiqttes including a Laocoon
group with real snakes.
Comparative Finance.
OITR enlightened contemporaries, some of them, are wont to
animadvert somewhat satirically on M. THIBBS'S persistence in the
proposal to tax raw materials rather than income. The raw mate-
rials, however, which M. THIEHS proposes to tax, can feel no burdens.
If they are subjected to duties, how high soever, they haye_no sense
of duty, such as that which in England prompts the victim of an
iniquitous impost to evade it. Those raw materials do not live, and
cannot suffer ; their rawness is not a raw which has been established
by partial and oppressive taxation.
THBEE MILLIABDS.
A MIS-SPELT title-page now understand :
France is the country called
Vitl Ok'lM-lU 1
The Great Loan Llnd."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AuansT 3, 1672.
DISCUSSION IN THE DOG-DAYS.
To waste several hours of the nation's time, during these more
thar? cZmonly canicular dog-days, in discussing Capital Punish-
ment, was to deserve it. But you cannot hang the ffouse of Com-
mons Although limited to the number of Members who usually
attend on Crotchet Day, or even to the section accustomed on that
day, Wednesday, to
air their Sumptuary
and Sabbatarian
Crotchets. And if
you could, their ex-
ecution would ex-
ceed the bounds of
needful severity.
The certainty of pe-
nal servitude would,
we have no doubt,
have effectually de-
terred MB. GiLrni
from making his
annual futile motion
touching the scaf-
fold, and MR.
R. N. FOWLEB from
seconding his friend.
Wouldn't it be quite
enough to deter any
criminal, capable of
being deterred, from
any crime? As to
the sufficiency of
punishment for the
prevention of crime,
it is impossible for
anybody to evolve
the slightest idea
out of his moral
consciousness, and
the consciousness of
a criminal whence
alone it could be
evolved, is immoral.
Your criminal is
either too great a
fool to be capable of
evolving any idea
whatsoever, or,
being more rogue
than fool, instinc-
tively conceals any
idea which he has
bsen able to evolve.
If aU criminals were
as capable of being
restrained as your-
self, thinking rea-
der, by the conside-
ration of conse-
quences, the mildest
of penal systems
would keep them in
check. What law
would you break at
the risk of probable
imprisonment and
hard labour? Can
you fancy yourself,
under any provoca-
tion, committing
mnrder, if it were
in the least degree
likely to subject you
to being locked
up for twenty-four
hours ?
The strongest ar-
gument for the office of MK. CALCRAFT appears to be always
ignored. "Sweet is revenge, especially to women." says LOKD
BTBON, with not too much gallantry. The majority of women
would vote, if they had votes, for abolition of MR. CALCRAFT'S office.
But its retention is advocated by the strong-minded men most
antipathetic to strong-minded women. "Revenge, and a healthy
hatred of scoundrels, is what they profess and demand with MB.
CABLTLB. Lose no time in questioning this position ; assume it
rather. Is Capital Punishment then, the most satisfactory revenge ?
We know that My Lord Judge's sentence of death concludes with a
blessing. If that benison is fulfilled, Capital Punishment is " hire
and salary, not revenge." How. in any case, can we know that it
has not been fulfilled ? Now in the case of a criminal sentenced to
penal servitude there is no doubt of his misery. The man who has
been hanged may be happy for aught we know, and even supposing
DARWIN'S theory of development true, is at rest. Not so the other
scoundrel. The vic-
tim of a garotter,
for instance.'doomed
to his deserts, can
occasionally solace
himself by thinking
of the lot which that
convict is enduring
at that moment,
having, moreover,
not only been whip-
ped, but being lia-
ble, in the event of
misconduct, to be
whipped any num-
ber of times again.
No such solace can,
with any certainty,
be derived from an
executed criminal.
Preference, there-
fore, of Secondary
to Capital Punish-
ment should not be
imagined necessarily
to arise from mawk-
ish sentiment and
maudlin philan-
thropy ; because it
may be determined
by opposite feelings,
and thus concurred
in by the strong-
minded of both
sexes. But, on the
other hand, it should
be borne in mind
that the convict
allowed to live must
be kept alive ; and
what satisfaction
can he possibly
afford worth the
cost of his keep ?
BLACK AGAINST
BLUE.
THE colliers, male
and female, at vari-
ous places in Lan-
cashire, have been
meeting for the pur-
pose of enforcing a
reduction of the high
prices of butchers'
meat. At Scholes,
near Wigan, the
other day, they
passed a resolution
" amid much cheer-
ing," to the effect
"that any woman
who gave more than
Td. a pound for meat
at the market on
Friday and Satur-
day, should forfeit
her husband's wages
for the week." Col-
liers may well flatter themselves that they know how to strike. Their
plan is that of striking right and left ; for higher wages and lower
prices : against their employers and against their butchers. When
the price of coal is considered, to be sure, it may be thought that the
colliers, of all workmen, should be the last to strike for meat at Id. a
pound ; but, if they could brinf it down to that, they would make the
public some amends for increasing the cost of coals, which they would
balance, in a measure, by compensation out of the Butcher's pocket.
AOGCST 3, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
53
. /
A NARCOTIC.
Doctor. "LOOK HERB, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T OIVE HIM ANY MOBE PHYSIC.
A SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING."
Qudewife. "E-H, DOCTHOB, IF WE COULD ONLY GIT HIM TAK THE Kntc ! !"
A LOFTY EXAMPLE.
AMONG the inhabitants of London and its neighbourhood some enjoy the
advantage of an option between the water of the River Thames and that of
Artesian wells for drinking purposes. Using the former only for purposes of
ablution, they will derive comparatively moderate gratification from the following
item of intelligence : —
" THE SEWAGE OF WINDSOR CASTLB.— Very extensive works are now in progress for
the drainage of Windsor Castle, and the utilisation of the sewage of the Palace and Frog-
more House."
Even those, however.'to whom the Thames water is a fluid merely, as the labels
on the lotion bottles say, for external use, must be not a little glad to hear that
arrangements are in progress for enabling that river to flow minus the addi-
it .will be a merely local abolition of certain superfluous tributaries to tie
Thames which will then have been effected, yet that will be an instalment
of sanitary reform, and in these matters every little helps, as to augment,
so likewise to diminish the impurity of an ocean ; still more that of a river.
Windsor Castle, it is well known, stands upon an eminence where it is an object
conspicuous for many miles of country round. So now it will shortly be in a
condition to be pointed out as an example to many towns more or less distant on
the banks of the river which they as yet continue to infect with material
which they might utilise, and save the Water Companies the expense and
trouble of separating it, some of it, from the water which water-rate payers,
most of them, drink. In the meantime, perhaps, the steep crowned by Windsor
Castle will be distinguished for time to come, by the eulogistic name of Mount
Pleasant.
Odd Taste.
IF, as is commonly supposed, to eat coal is symptomatic of a morbid con-
dition of consumption, we are in a bad way, for just now that article is in
everybody s mouth.
BIRDS OUT OF THE BILL.
" EXCLUDED from the Wild Fowl Bill
People may shoot me if they will.
A little fruit our kind regales.
But we devour more slugs ana snails ;
Protection for my song is due,"
Exclaimed the "thrush and Blackbird, too.
" Why leave out me ? " the Skylark said,
" Me, upon insects chiefly fed ;
Me, your bright bird to soar and sing,
And make you music on the wing."
The Whitethroat murmured : " And we twain ,
The Less and Greater, sing in vain,
Among the excluded we both figure,
The Smaller Whitethroat and the Bigger."
The Warbler (Garden) breathed a doubt.
I wonder why they 've left me out.
" Mean they to eat me ? I suppose
Some one the Beceanco knows.
But then the Wheatear (foes shot- free,
Although a dainty, too, is he."
" They 've overlooked, or did they strike
Me out '( " cried Blue and Red-backed Shrike.
" Its head the Game List me did bear on ;
This Bill ignores me," said the Heron.
The Rook observed, " They 've passed me by.
They shoot our young to make rook-pie.
But I 'm an old bird, and let Man
Get a shot at me if he can ! "
The Raven croaked " I 'm out ! " " And eo
Am I," did likewise croak the Crow.
" The Scavengers of Nature Few
Have, as it is, grown we and yon."
" Bedad, and HKBIIEKT ought to blush,"
Remarked the gentle Irish Thrush,
" He 's left me out among the bunch,
Though my long note 's, in Saxon, Punch." •
" Passed over ! " jabbered the Jackdaw.
" What for ? " " I, too," the Jay shrieked, " Yah !
I suck some few eggs ; they determine,
Therefore, to class me with the Vermin."
" And me," the Magpie chattering cried,
" With Vermin, too, they 've left outside."
"So," screamed the Kestrel, "me they class.
Whereas the very greatest Ass,
On commons that is wont to browse.
Could tell them that I only mouse.
" Vermin be hanged, if that's their talk
Of me," avowed the Sparrowhawk.
The Hobby and the Merlin owned
The same. " What if some chicks they boned ?
How picturesque they looked on flight ! "
So Buzzard also spoke, and Kite,
And Harriers, skimming here and there.
And nobler Hawks and Falcons rare.
" Why not protect the Birds of Prey ?
They d kill us down ; and who are they ?
The Landed Poulterers, counter-bred,
Loss of a little game who dread.
And therefore doom to extirpation
Us chivalry of plumed creation."
* This statement is reported on the authority of a fur Irish
Correspondent, who addresses ui from Cork.
CITY INTELLIGENCE.
HEBE is the latest bit of news from the true Tom
Tiddler's Ground : —
"PAVBD WITH GOLD. — A plot containing one hundred «nd
twenty thousand square feet of land on the Holborn Viaduct has
been let upon a building lease for Fifteen Thousand Pounds per
annum."
" Some men have plenty money," as the Waggawock
observed ; but it does not always follow that they have
" no brains." A man clearly must have plenty money
to be able to pay fifteen thousand sterling pounds a
year for just eight times that number of square feet of
building ground. Still, such payment must not hastily
be taken as a proof that he is afflicted with deficiency
of brains. On the contrary, City rents are so continually
rising, that his building lease may turn out a lucky
speculation, and by no means show a weakness in his
upper storey.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.
[AUGUST 3, 1872.
THE SCOTCH SHOW AT SYDENHAM.
NE day last week
Grand Scottish Fete
and Gathering of th
Clans came off at th
Crystal Palace, an
among the prize
that were dressed
and danced, am
dirked, and thrust
and thrown, am
tossed, and run
and leaped, an
jumped, and skirled
and shrieked, ' am
squeaked, anc
schreeched, am
piped and bibrochei
for, hy native Scotcl
competitors, was i
purse to be awardec
*' to the Best Dressed
Highlander, to be
dressed at his own
expense."
As modern fash-
ions quickly change
it seems that it is
difficult to find a
Scotchman now-a-
days who, ancient as it is, can be perfect in his dress ; and indeed,
considering how fond he is of snuff, it may safely be asserted that,
whatever garb he wears, there is sure to be a mull in it. But though
he generally is up to snuff, your Highlander by no means is a per-
son to be sneezed at. And this mentioning of snuff reminds us ol
the Scottish figures who adorn our snuff-shops. Were these High-
landers suffered to compete for the prize of the best dressed ? They
would certainly have increased the attractions of the show, and their
presence there might have exercised a beneficial influence on their,
at present, blighted prospects. As lovers of the picturesque, we
need hardly say how vastly we admire them, and how deeply we
deplore their departure from the doorways they used formerly to
grace, for we have grieved of late to notice that they yearly are de-
creasing. They are among the sculptural ornaments of London, and
we need not say that we have not too many statues on which we
can gaze with pleasure and with pride.
LUXUEIES FOR LADIES.
ME. PUNCH,
THE subjoined extract from a daily paper, in which it is
likely to catch the bright eyes of a very considerable number of
ladies, would really, but for a slight omission, look very much like
an advertisement, wouldn't it ? —
"THE LADIES' BOUDOIR CANDLES.— These elegant candles (manufactured
jy, let ug say, MBSSHS. GLIM) are carved in the pattern of a cable, and tinted
in the most delicate shades of rose, green, lavender, &c.. are beyond question
the most sinking and beautiful candles ever produced. They may be obtained
from all dealers in boxes of three, four, and five candles each."
At how much per box ? This is the little particular omitted. It
may n°t much signify to every fair reader, but I know one who
would have been gratified by the information which the foregoing
mnounccment fails to supply. Although in my eyes she excels all
the rest of her sex, so much that I believe there is not another
woman in the world equal to her, yet I am impartial enough to
>se that the generality resemble her pretty nearly in one
idmirable quality, or perhaps it would be correct to say combina-
jion of qualities, the disposition to blend economy with elegance.
My wile, b\r, I know, would enjoy the occupation of dressing for
dinner (solely to please me) before a glass reflecting the fairest face
le world all the more if her mirror were flanked by a pair of the
pretty candles above described. But then, Mr. Punch, she is too
rational to wish to purchase this additional pleasure at too high a
rl.ce:,, e'f j8- she w quite content to dress by common candles,
>ut, it tinted ones were not a farthing more expensive, would prefer
he tinted. She would never dream of sending to the dealer's and
•rdering a box of coloured candles, or any other articles, in ignorance
.1 their price : but m this particular of carefulness, I cannot suppose
lerto be singular; for, surely.it is a point of common prudence
with her sex at large. As we were married only yesterday, I think
af treating her with a box of those Boudoir Candles, if on inquiry at
he Italian shop I find them reasonable; but, even in these earlv
: the honey-moon, am not going to buy a pig in a poke and
begin married life by setting a bad example myself of extravagance
to the partner of my income. ." Never at any time, now or hereafter
to make such a mistake as that, Mr. Punch, trust yours truly,
howsoever UXOEIUS.
P.S. My love suggests that an inch of boudoir candle would do
perfectly well with boudoir save-alls tinted to match, if they were
only long enough.
TALK AGAINST TIME.
GREAT cry you say, and little wool,
In Parliament you find.
Indeed, that 's true enough, JOHN BULL,
But therefore never mi ml.
The tongues that time consume in prutu
Afford not any cause
For grief to those who fear, and Late,
Unnecessary laws.
By Session after Session closed
Each twelvemonths, on our backs,
Some new restraint has been imposed,
Or some vexatious tax.
0 let the flood of words not cease !
For, whilst that deluge pours,
Our legislators can't increase
Our burdens and our bores.
Our liberties, until they 'vc spent
Their talk, they can't repress ;
Our imposts they can not augment,
Nor make our pleasures less.
PROGRESS v. POTHOUSE.
ONEBD MISTEE PUNCH,
I AIN'T much of a Scollard, being nawthun but a Hodman,
lowsever I can make shift to read a noosepaper a bit, and this ere I
'ound in an old un as I picked up. The great LORD ARCHMSIIOP
BANNING he've bein saying in a lectur about Progress respectin
?eple sich as me : —
| He had never seen the peasants of France and Italy without observing
heir intelligence, their brightness of eye, and their quickness of step ; but
»hen he saw the labourers of England, and especially of London, they seemed
,o be materialistic, imbruted, dull-eyed, heavy, lumbering, and in an almost
stnpified state. . . . This state of things he attributed to the prosperity and
materialism of England."
I carnt say much for furriners, aving never been among em,
ixceptin horgangrinders and them fellers with the bagpipes as wear
dormats on their showders and go a capering in the streets. Their
steps aint none the quickest, cept when a Crusher's arter em— but
prehaps they aint fair sarmples and so I pass em by, which folkses
nostly do. But when I ears as English labrers are heavy lumbering
outs, liyin a'most stuperfied and matterelistic as they say, why
hinks i if we be stuperfied it aint becors as England is in a prosprus
tate, hut becors we ve bin a drinking adulterated Beer. A man as
wallers drugs i'stead o' malt and ops he aint likely to look bright
'd or remarkable hintelligent, being as he is arf pisoned with the
.ose. Jest you reform the Licker Laws, and make it Penal Suvvi-
ude to serve us with bad beer, and depend on't British workmen
ull be as bright and active as the Harchbishop hisself, which they
ay he drinks but Adam's ale and not too much of even that. So I
emain yours to comand for jobs of bricklayin or plusterin.
"WILLIAM STUBBS X his mark.
Lines to My Love.
NINETY-FIVE in the shade !
Bring me iced lemonade
Dashed with brandy, and some
Small admixture of rum.
Let me smoke iny Hayannah ;
While you play the pian-ah !
On a Marriage.
( With Mr. runch's kindest J
FOR taking wrongful time ne'er chidden, nor " goosed,"
Yet, in July, fair NILSSON takes her AT/OUSTE.
AUGUST 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIUYAIM.
uraffl
.. ^ •-; -v_. ^
LATEST FROM THE PLAYGROUND.
First Schoolboy. " YOU'RE THE NKW EOT, AIN'T YOU I LOOK HBRK, BO You
COLLECT STAMPS?" Second Ditto (reassured). "YE— a."
First Schoolboy. " THEN THBBK 's ONB FOR You I "
[Comes down heavily on his Toes, and cuts off I
THE GOAL OF "PROSPERITY."
NOT by mere strides, but leaps and bounds,
Prosperity advances ; true
Statistics, flowery WILLIAM founds
That sayinsr on— bnt whereunto
Does WILLIAM see
Posterity
Advancing like a Kangaroo ?
Prosperity heaps gold on gold,
Whilst money's worth still tumbles down,
What two-and-sixpence was of old
We find no longer half-a-crown,
For coals and meat,
And all we eat,
Alike in Country and in Town.
Workpeople strike on every hand ;
As wages, so will prices rise.
Hence will Prosperity demand
More and more greedy enterprise
To make both ends
Meet ; else, O friends !
We go without what money buys.
Prosperity will have more made,
And hazard must that more obtain,
Which none can make by steady trade ;
Or you must overwork your brain,
And keep your whole
Heart, mind, and soul
Devoted to the quest of gain.
Prosperity from Happiness
A very different thing we find ;
By leaps and bounds advancing ? Yes,
And dancing down a plane inclined :
The broad highway —
Needs must, they say,
When that old Driver is behind.
A Giant Afloat.
WHAT Admiralty was it that named one of onr
Naval Training-Ships the Goliath ? Whether Liberal
or Conservative, they must have been inveterate
Philistines.
FACTS FROM "LE FOLLET."
DEAR as meat and coals are, wives and daughters are dearer.
So they ought to be, it may be said. Not only are they dearer,
however, but likewise more expensive, and that because the expense
of dressing them is like that of dressing meat, enormous ; for
millinery, at the rate they consume it, costs even more than fuel.
Persons of the plainer sex, about to marry, will be disposed to
think twice and three times before they do so, if not to refrain
altogether from so doing, by the following extract from Le Pallet's
" Fashions for August " :—
" Every lady with the least approach to good taste i« at length beginning
to understand the true ' secret des Parisiennes ; ' viz., that not only must every
component part of the toilette correspond in style, but that the whole toilette
it«elf must be in accordance with the season, the time of day, the occasion on
which it is worn."
Dress, dress, dress, and dress all the year round, three times a
day 1 Spring, summer, autumn, and winter, four seasons, and at the
very least four dresses ; morning, afternoon, and evening, not to say
night, three; four times three twelve: "occasions" an indefinite
number, and a dress for each, amounting to not perhaps much under
seventy times seven dresses besides, at several pounds per dress '
Truly a person about to marry a lady going to follow the fashions
for August as above prescribed, and for all succeeding months also
as to be prescribed hereafter, will, if he do marry her, be likely to
find every Christmas that he has incurred a pretty liability for his
wife's clothes. Apprehension on this score can be little allayed by
the remainder of the "secret des Parisiennes," although it breathes
pome spirit of economy. That now open secret is the knowledge
that dress must fulfil the requirements above specified : —
" And that the lady attired in silks and laces for a country walk, stroll on
the beach, or morning shopping, is immeasurably eclipsed in elegance and
good taste by the wearer of the well made though simple batiste, toile, serge,
or other comparatively inexpensive article of contume.' '
" Comparatively, yes ! " groans Paterfamilias ; and Maritns even,
albeit as yet Maritus merely sighs. But here is some comfort lower
down in the column of our ornamental contemporary : —
" We intimated three months ago that the leaders of fashion were attempt-
ing a preat reform in the matter of chignon and coiffures. We are happy to
say that their success is undoubted, and that the long trailing masses of hair,
or what is intended to represent it, is now only worn by those ladies who
either do not know that they are out of the fashion, or prefer being so.
Ere this probably Chignons, throughout Society, have undergone
combustion. Bonfires, but for objections of the nose, would have
been made of Chignons. Bnt do their late wearers know what sort
of a fashion they have been following? Le Foliet tells them
plainly : —
" We never did countenance, though it was our duty to mention, that ngly
and we may say dirty fashion, whose departure we hail with joy. The hair
is now dressed much shorter at the back and very high on the head, quite in
the old ' Marie Antoinette,' or ' Princesse de Lamballe' style; it still consists
of a variety of curls, loops, and braids, but nevertheless does not disguise the
throat or shape of the head."
Thus the head-dress fashionable for ladies this August is the same
as that which was fashionable eighty Augusts ago, and it is still
grotesque, though no longer ugly and dirty, as Le Foliet calls the
previous fashion ; dirty, observe, as well as ugly. Does the fashion
which ladies have so long and so generally persisted in deserve the
former of those epithets as well as the latter '( Le FalUt says it may
say yes, and Gallantry itself cannot contradict Le Fullet. In future
cleanliness in all fashions for all months, cleanliness at least, for
ever ! ' Or else, perhaps, another time, Le Folltt will not wait
several years, until a dirty fashion has gone out of favour, before
calling it dirty. With Le Fullet, however, in the meanwhile, we
hail the departure of the dirty Chignons.
VOL. LXJTI.
56
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1872.
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
ONDAY, July 29.
— LOED DERBY
brought on the case
of DB. HOOKEB.
His Lordship stated
it with his usual
judicial moderation.
Mr. Punch would
have done nothing
of the kind. For
when a Memorial
complaining of a
Mimster'sbehaviour
is signed by such
men as those who
appended their
names to the Act
of Accusation a-
gainst ME. AYBTON,
there is no longer a
case to be tried, but
there is a sentence
to be pronounced.
Call for Lictor,
fasces, and axe.
Posterity, here are
the men who de-
nounce MB. AYB-
TON, SIB CHABLES
LTELL, ME. DAB-
WIN, PBOFESSOB
HUXLEY, PBOFES-
SOB TYNDALL, SIB
JAMES PAGET, SIB H. HOLLAND, SIB H. EAWLINKON, the President of the
College of Physicians, the President of the College of Surgeons, the President of
the Linnuean Society, and MB. SPOTTISWODE. Surely that is enough. " Dost ask
his crime ? " He has treated DE. HOOKEB ill. The DUKE OF Si. AXBANS de-
clared that the Board of Works were as anxious as the public to retain, the great
Botanist's services, and LOKD HALIFAX deprecated all harsh expressions. Then
did LOED DEBBT interpolate the remark that all expressions of civility on the
part of the Treasury dated from the time when public feeling had been shown
out of doors. LOKD HALIFAX concluded by hoping that harmonious relations
between MR. AYBTON and DE. HOOKEE would be resumed. It is customary,
between gentlemen, for a wrong-doer to offer an apology, and we have as yet
heard nothing of the kind from MB. AYBTON. Shall Punch dictate the terms
in which the Chief Commissioner should express his regret ?
LOED SALISBUBY. on another matter, accused the Ministers of treating the
House of Lords with contempt. LOED GRANVILLE demanded instances, whereon
LOED SALISBUBY referred to ;the Abolition of Purchase. He somewhat softened
his words, however, by next saying that Ministers did not treat that House with
respect and affection. The evening was hot, but next day the weather cooled.
The Commons sat till half-past two, chiefly on Naval Estimates. We had a
few personalities, but they do not deserve to be immortalised. MB. CAVENDISH
BENTINCK — we mention him because, according to the Inverness Courier, " he
most generously, and solely from his admiration of Miss NILSSON'S genius, bore
the whole expense of her wedding ceremonial, and gave the splendid break-
fast," and therefore he deserves notice— told certain persons that they "pre-
tended " to be independent Members. The word was adjudged to be offensive, so
he changed it into professed."
Tuesday. — The Bill for protecting Wild Birds went through Committee in the
Lords. This Bill, to their Lordships' credit, excited much interest among them.
On the Second Reading, LOBD KIMBEELEY stood up for the Barn-door Owl, but
had nothing to say for the Brown Owl, which did not, he thought, breed in
these islands. But, says the Scotsman, the
" DUKE OF AKQYLL, with every respect to an eminent colleague, could not allow this
statement to go unchallenged. He had himself, he said, ransacked the nest of the brown
owl for eggs. There waa a thrill of surprise, and something like a murmur of disapproba-
tion, at this avowal from a distinguished Cabinet Minister. The story got wind, and like
the ' Three Crows ' — an apt, ornithological illustration — it lost nothing in the telling.
In a few minutes it was reported in the lobbies that the DUKE OF ARGYLL hail confessed in
the House of Lords that he had often met with the eggs of the brown owl while out bird-
nesting on Sunday ! "
LOBD MALMESBUBY said that when this Bill passed the House of Commons,
the cheers were louder than on the passage of the Ballot Bill, and therefore he
hoped that their Lordships would show deference to the feelings of the other
House, and let the measure remain substantially as it had been sent up.
MB. COWPEB TEMPLE presented a petition from sundry idiots, praying that
MB. LOWE would not find money to persecute the Waggawock.
There came from Manchester and Saulford to the Commons a petition for
alterations in the Liquors Bill. Half the signatures, of which there purported
to be 90,000, were written by one person, and a good many others were ridiculous.
So the House of Commons rejected the petition, though it was not much more
worthless than large numbers of documents professing to express popular opinion.
The House may as well have a mass of invented names as
the names of Sunday-school children, Band of Hopers,
Good Templars, and the like.
An interesting discussion 'on Naval Reserves elicited
the Government statement that those resources are in a
tolerably good condition, and will be materially im-
proved.
On question as to our diplomatic relations with His
Holiness, the ATTOBNEY-GENERAL said that the POPE
was still Sovereign of the Leonine City. This, however,
has been denied. What cannot be denied, however, is
the absurdity of people who see any objection to our
Sovereign having a representative at the Court of the
spiritual Head of the Catholic World— the Q.UEEN herself
having millions of Catholic subjects, about whose religious
interests she desires to have the best possible information.
For a wonder, MB. WHALLEY had nothing foolish to say
about this, but he was saving himself for a later scene,
as you shall see.
In fact you shall see directly, for we need not detain
you on the Scotch Education Bill, or the agreements and
differences with the Lords thereon. We got on the
Druidical Centres Bill (Druid CAEDWELL'S Localisation
of Military Forces) and —
" Ma. WHALLEY protested against the standing army system,
amidst the derisive cheers of the House. Our standing army waa
a curse to the nation. (Loud cries of ' Oh, oh! ')
" LORD GARLIES rose to order.
" The SPEAKER suggested that the Hon. Member should
withdraw the expression.
" MR. WHALLEY would take the hint, but he had forgotten
really what he did say.
" MR. COLLINS, amidst loud laughter, supplied the Hon.
Member with a glass of water, and, amidat cries of 'Drink,
drink,'
" MK. WHAILEY proceeded, and concluded at twenty minutes
to two."
How proud the electors of Peterborough must be to read
such illustrations of their wisdom. We must have a
look at Peterborough in the autumn — the Cathedral
atones for the shortcomings of those who dwell around it.
We should like to know whether the inhabitants look
such wise men as they are.
Wednesday. — Proceedings so absolutely dull, and also
unprofitable that we shall note them not. Only let us
mention what ME. AUBERON HEBBEET said —
" With all respect to the House, he must be excused for re-
marking that they were only a mass of very average men
(laughter"). He did not wish to use any grander expression
about the complexion of the House."
" Laughter," indeed. Such of the Members as knew what
the word average meant must have felt exasperated.
Nobody holds himself to be but an average man. Every-
body thinks that he has somethingremarkable about him.
Even ugly old Mr. Jack in Soapey Sponge thought that
if he were not very handsome he was very genteel, and
perfumed himself to keep up the illusion. We do not
believe that there is a single M.P. who has not a living
faith that he possesses a certain original genius, latent,
perhaps, but capable of developement, and, in the spirit
of LAVATEE, we call on every Member to write, in the
margin hereof, his sentiments on our proposition, and
send us the page. Nobody shall see it, fui de Punch.
Yes, one thing more to-day. MB. HOWARD intends,
next Session, to reduce the price of Meat, by giving
tenant-right in England. Next Session, dear Sir. If
we have not taken the matter into our own hands a long
time before that, and executed every British butcher,
there will be neither a Parliament to bore us, nor a people
to be bored. There will be only haughty butchers, driv-
ing about, in gilded carriages and six, over the bones of an
extinct nation.
Thursday.— LORD NAPIEB of Merchistoun took the
oaths as BARON ETTHICK. He is worthy of all honour,
but we did not specially intend to compliment him. His
new title reminds us of the Ettrick Shepherd, a poet of
whose works none of his countrymen seem to know any-
thing (at least, they never quote him), and of whom they
ought to be more proud than of any bard they have had,
except WALTEB SCOTT. And, like SCOTT, he never wrote
that which a gentleman does not desire to read.
The Archbishop again charged on the Lambeth Potteries
and their foul smoke. The Local Government Board has
asked the Lambeth Vestry what they are going to do,
ACGDST 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
57
and the Lambeth Vestry reply that they are " considering:." If they
consider too long, we hope Whitehall will remember that MKTIIU-
sK.r.A ii lias not transmitted his recipe for living nine hundred years.
MR. BEHESFOBD HOPE made a joke, demanding when the House
would be allowed to discuss, " not the Keogh, but the Kew
question." MR. GLADSTONE did not laugh, and did not know.
This afternoon the I'UKMIKH, Mil. LOWK, and MR. ATRTON were
amusing themselves with something which is not in the department
of either. They were trying some gun-cotton experiments in the
Treasury garden. There came a dreadful explosion, and a breakage
of Treasury windows, but the Ministers happily survived to be
blown up in the House of Commons. LORD ELCHO asked, tenderly,
about the accident, and the Standard says that MR. LOWE had
evidently not recovered from his fright when he answered. We
take the united ages of the three playful Ministers to make about
170 years.
The Chief Commissioner declines to let the public have the new
road between Marlborough House and Storey's Gate, and complaint
being pressed, MK. GLADSTONE said something which will be gene-
rally approved.
" Not a word has been naid about the real public, the pedestrian public, who
enjoyed the surface of the parks. If the surface «f the parks were all cut up
into roads, it would, no doubt, greatly meet the convenience of the carriage
public."
Just so. And as the carriage public can go where they like,
whereas a pedestrian's lounge is limited by his strength, we hope
that Governments will continue to abstain from cutting up parks.
Friday.— To-night it was cold and wet, yet LORD HEDESDALE
managed to work himself up to a white heat about the non-observ-
ance of Standing Orders, and actually threatened to resign. But a
sweet and soft answer from LOUD GRANVILLE turned away the'other
Peer's wrath, and, not to bo outdone in politeness, he sanctioned the
very breach he had objected to. The House of Lords is still the
school of manners.
The Commons gat in the morning, in earnest, on the details of the
Licensing Hill, and the hours for closing public-houses were debated.
A proposition to give the local authorities power to exempt the
Theatres from the stricter rule was carried by li-l to '.">. In the
evening, divers attempts to increase discomfort were rejected by
large majorities.
Saturday. — We voted money, and hoped that we were polishing
off the penultimate week of the tiresome Session.
THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.
( Fur this Year only.}
•ow we-'re just in time.
You haven't quite made
up your mind. No. You
want to be told where to
go to, and then you '11
go ? Yes. Quite so.
Do you want luxu-
rious air and whiskers ':
Whiskers in this instance
being breezes that whisk.
Try the sea-side. There
are more questions than
one about the sea-side.
Firstly, how many sides
has a sea? Secondly,
what sea ? Thirdly, which
side of what sea ?
For instance, fewthings
can be more refreshing
for the tired Londoner,
if he is a good sailor,
than to go out of town
— out of Camden Town,
for example — and. em-
barking on board the
Camelia or the Citizen, to steam to Batter-sea. There 's a sea for
you ! And Chel-sea too. Take twopennyworth of Tidman's salt in
your pocket, sit on the beach at either Chel-sea or Batter-sea, or, if
you can't find the beach, sit on the pier, and throw stones, which
you can bring with you from the road, into the water, vary the
amusement with occasional sniffs of TIDMAJT, and there you are.
There and back for fourpence, or for twopence if you like to
walk all the way ; in which case you can spend one twopence
in a sandwich and a glass of ale, and keep the other twopence
for another treat of a similar kind.
As to France, go by night to the Quartier Soho at the hack of
Leicester Square, take a room at a French Hotel, and when you
awake in the morning you'll be perfectly astonished at finding your-
self in a foreign country. You can spend your day in visiting the
old churches and other objects of interest in the neighbourhood, you
can take your dejviiner a la fourchette at one Restaurant's, and your
dinner at another, where you can read French illustrated papers
and practise the language of the country. In the evening take a
cab (when you call a cab, call it a failure), and drive to a French
Theatre. You will thus have had a change of air, of language, of
society, and of living, at about one-sixteenth of the cost of four
davs on the Continent.
We now proceed to give our
ANSWERS TO TOURIST CORRESPONDENTS.
Alpine Arry.—lhe Burmese Alp is certainly the highest. You
are right, it is out of range. The Top of Mount Blanc is wound up
for the amusement of travellers by a Oly Ermit who lives there, and
it spins for at least five minutes. The Oly Ermit's charge is
Optional.
The Wtgginttt.—Tla Engadine is not a Hotel. That we do know.
Forward twelve stamps to the office, and we ' 11 tell you some more on
this subject.
Gig Lamp. — The best costume for climbing is an Ulster coat, with
top-boots and spurs. Many an accident has been avoided by spurs.
As for the head, an ordinary Gibus has been found by experience to
be most satisfactory. You should learn the trick of making the
omelette in the hat before you commence any ascent, as you might be
hungry, and this combines nourishment with amusement.
Pilgrim. — " There is now a Hotel on the Summit of Mount Ararat.
The view is charming. The Headwaitress, Joan of Ark, is most
attentive. You can indeed spend a Happy Bay here." Extract
from a Letter of a Correspondent.
Tyrolean. — Decidedly. Nothing gets you on so well with the
Peasants as being able to play the Shoe-horn. Be up early. Your
tune should be Shoe-tie, don't bother me." Translate it for the
Merry Swiss boys.
Erinian.— Qo to Killarney, yer sowl, for Echoes ? Not a bit of it.
The Echoes are dead long ago. Haven't you heard of waking the
Echoes '( Of 'course ! Well, you only wake a defunct, don't yon ?
Now by this and by that I heard 'em waking the Echoes at Killarney
last year, so bedad yon 're a trifle late.
Pipkin writes to us to know why Disorderly people shouldn't be
sent to Pyrmont, which he says he has seen advertised as a place
beneficial to many Disorders.
From the Editor to his Correspondents. — By the way, who was it
sent us a large parcel, for which we had to pay two shillings and
two pence, besides giving, with delight, fourpence to the earner for
bringing it, because he said he was so dry, containing five lumps
of very curious stone (which we reserve for our interesting Corre-
spondent's visit to our office), a very old shoe, some loose pieces of
glass (most dangerous), three cases of exploded Bengal lights, and a
packet labelled Essence of Violets, which, on being opened, gave out
such a fearful odour, that we 'ye been obliged to have the whole place
fumigated, and haven't been in there since last Wednesday. The
whole labelled " With a Tourist's Love and Best Wishes."
*»* From our Colwell-Hatchney Correspondent (in answer to
numerous inquiries).— Can't do better than South Wales in the East.
The air is so bracing that the tourist is obliged to wear straps to his
trowsers. There is bathing— excellent bathing, if you take a
portable bath with you. Shrimps and hot water supplied. There 's
a ferry boat on the high road, and a coach crosses the river every
other day ; leap year makes a difference, of course. The flowers are
very wild, but you can get near them. Several plants to be sold,
with all the apparatus. There are Butlers on the mountains ready
to hand coffee, and cowslips, and landslips at all hours. Forests of
groceries ; and the poultry, being fed on raisins, lay egg-plums every
morning. Excursions in machines all day. The key to wind up
the water-mill is at the tailor's in the vilkge. The Parson keeps
the loadstone for the ducks in the pond. Skating excellent, and
Hookey on the strawberry ice every evening. The spot is near the
Elain, so if you bring the red with you, you can make a cannon. For
urther information meet me in the lane when the clock strikes
half-past.
Vevay.— " Where is Vevay ? " you ask. In the Map.
Geo. I).—" How about the Isthmus of Panama ? " If our Corre-
spondent will write and explain what the something he means by
this question, we will endeavour to give him some information. He
says he 's " off next week." Glad to hear it.
Acts of Irish Faith.
THE faithful Irish, though they 've chains their backs on,
Of KEOOH'S effigy do bonfires make.
Himself, but for the laws of the base Saxon,
Och, wouldn't they have roasted at the stake !
58
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1872.
NO ROSE WITHOUT A THORN.
Son and Heir (just Borne from ScJwol, and surrounded by his adoring Womankind).
JOLLY, /*• IT WASH"? FOR IBS DBNTIST!"
' I SAT ! JUST WOULDN'T THE HOLIDAYS BE
A FIG FOR THE PRIVY COUNCIL !
THE judgment of the Supreme Court of Ecclesiastical Appeal
appears to have had no effect whatever in restraining the perform-
ances of the KKVKUKNI) ME. PUBCHAS. According to a report in the
Record, that clergyman continues and intends to continue giving
his celebrated series of Imitations : —
"RITUALISM IN BRIGHTON. — The service at ME. PURCHAS'S church at
Brighton was conducted with the usual ceremony on Sunday morning. There
was a (so-called) high celebration of the Holy Communion, MR. PURCHAS
being the celebrant. He was most gorgeously apparelled. Incense was freely
used, and all the practices and vestments lately declared illegal were carried
out and worn."
In the use of Incense MB. PUBCHAS goes beyond the simple imita-
tion of a Roman Catholic Priest. " No Smoking Allowed " is a rule
which may be considered as morally posted in every one of our
National Churches. The REVEKEND ME. PUBCHAS, by the above
account, is shown to be likewise an imitator of a self-willed gent in
Kew Gardens, or the grounds of Hampton Court Palace, who sets at
nought the prohibition against smoking contained in the notices
put up about them. Only, in the church which forms the scene of
ME. PUBCHAS s exhibitions, there is nobody to imitate the official
who, in the capacity of constable at Hampton Court or Kew, would
conduct the contumacious smoker to the gate, if not the station-
house.
After having figured in the quasi sacerdotal capacity of a MACCABE
or WOODIN, MB. PU.BCHAS is described as having preached a sermon:
, •- — _—_«».»>« vu*v"'ing money
like water upon the ground in cruel persecutions that might have been used
for the purposes of heathen conversion. The tone of the discourse was defiant
and mocking. There is evidently no probability of his heeding the late judg-
ment of the Privy Council."
In the discourse with which MB. PUBCHAS concluded his enter-
tainment, he carried his mimicry of Popery so far as to take off His
Holiness the POPE himself. He complained of cruel persecution,
and he likened one of his alleged persecutors, or the whole body of
them personified, to HEBOD. It is notable that "the tone of his
discourse was defiant and mocking." Good. The HEEOD he referred
to was not the one who was mocked by the Wise Men.
LINES ON THE FRENCH LOAN.
How soon has France raised her gigantic loan !
Suppose her case, BBITANNIA, were thine own.
How would the Minister of thy Finance
Ease of thy burden thee, compared with France !
Still would the shirt-sleeved classes revel, free
Of taxes raised, in sugar and in tea.
Direct taxation would the means supply
To pay the lenders' interest by-and-by.
The People, GLADSTONE who their WILLIAM call,
Would no new impost have to bear at all.
The many, by their ROBEBT'S fiscal screw,
Would rest unwrung ; it would but squeeze the few.
His Budget will be framed to work that way
If Alabama Claims we have to pay.
All right ! let gentle earners only be
Extended on the rack of Schedule D.,
The better classes to pay all compel
For all, BOB, wring them hard— they won't rebel !
Prospect of Prorogation.
ROGUES never have any reason to rejoice when Parliament is pro-
rogued. The pro-roguery representatives cannot benefit their
friends by smuggling Commons' Enclosure Bills, or any other mea-
sures of private legislation of a fraudulent kind, through the House
of Commons.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— Apouai 10, 1872.
INJURED INNOCENCE.
" VON TAUSEND SIX ONDRED MILLION BOUNDS ! ! MEIN GOIT, MEIN GOT! ! AND DEY SAY VE
PLONDERED DEM ! ! ! "
AUGUST 10, 1875?.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
61
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
(The Voyage Commence!.)
BIOS to starting and on board the Saron. — My
Aunt's one anxiety is as to her luggage. " Will
it be searched ? " tnat 's what she wants to know.
She is positive that it will be searched, and hopes
that I have the keys all ready. Keys ? of course
linave them safely in my . . . for the first time it strikes me that
I have not them safely in my ... Good Gracious ! . . . I really
do believe . . . " Lost them !" exclaims my Aunt. " No," I return.
"I won't say lost them exactly" . . . this is breaking it to her
gently— "but I"— here I allow gleams of hope to play over mv
countenance as I try different pockets ; gleams becoming less vivid,
and I experience a blank which seems somehow, suddenly, to wipe
out the past, and leave me hopeless for the future. This is after the
Last Pocket.
Happy Thought.— Perhaps a hole in Docket and got into Lining.
Gleams of Hope again. We both brighten up. We see, so to
speak, a hole in my pocket through which to creep out of our diffi-
culty. . . . No. No hole. The Sun of Hope sets, and we (my
Aunt and myself) are enveloped in the dark night of despair.
" What I shall do I don't know," says my Aunt, "for they were
all patent springs that you can't open without a particular sort of
key that's only made in one place, and I don't know where that is,
and better than any of the Lockmar Brahs that they used to talk so
much about ; I mean, you know, those that they used to offer a hundred
pounds to anyone to open with any key at all, and they never would
—and ..." gasp, then she continues—" I haven't got anything
in the conservation book about open locking breaks and liadogue
with a Blackian Belgesmith." (Dixon's Johnsonary in full force,
my Aunt being excited, and having an audience among whom, as
the reporters say, " we notice MB. and MBS. MILBURD, Mister and
Miss Northern Farmer, the Steward, the Under Steward, &c. &o.
Of course she means that in her "conversation book" there is
nothing about breaking open locks, nor is there any dialogue with a
Belgian Blacksmith.)
The Saron is on the point of starting. The only thought that
occurs to me at this moment, is, that quay and key have the same
pronunciation, and that, on commencing a steamboat voyage, it is
usual to leave the quays behind you. Half a mind to say it. Half
a mind not to. It might be put down to the philosophy of taking
things easily, or it might be put down to heartlessness, as it 's my
Aunt's keys, not mine, that are lost, and I 've lost them.
Happy Thought. — When in doubt hold your tongue.
" Anybody here," shouts a stentorian voice, the property of an
official, " of the name of BASCOE ? "
As a rule (I don't know why, but must consider it in Typ. Devel.
under P. Publicity], no one likes to acknowledge his name when
called upon in this way. It seems to suggest detectives, suspicion,
bank robbery, flying the country under the name of SMITH, and then
it occurs to me that, on admitting that one's name f* BASCOE (it 's my
Aunt's name, not mine, but I have to answer for her), there 's a
chance of a policeman stepping forward, and saying, " Then, BASCOE"
(without the " Mister ") " you must come along o* me." Of course
it would be all a mistake, but no one would believe my explanation,
and the real BASCOE (whoever he was), having kept silence, would
TH'.
Is there," repeats the stentorian voice, almost imploringly, " /«
there anyone herej name o' BASCOE ? "
All eyes seem directed towards us, as much as to say, ' Come, you
know they mean you two. Give yourselves up. Don't let the whole
ship be stopped because you won't answer. Come— out with it !
We 're not going to sea with a JONAH."
MILBURD forces our hand, so to speak, by saying to me, " Now
then, you 'd better own it at once. You '11 get off with seven years ;
and, after all, what's that 'f "
I smile and laugh. If I don't do this, the passengers will imagine
that I really am a criminal, who refuses, very naturally as a criminal,
to give himself up. My Aunt whispers hurriedly, "It's Cuxoms."
[This is subsequently explained. She meant, — only being excited
she got it all into a word, "It's the Customs about the boxes,"
her impression being that the official thought we were sneaking off
without having had our luggage searched.]
I acknowledge, defiantly, that " my Aunt's— that is" (I feel very
warm, and ready if necessary to resist with violence) — "That is —
that we answer to the name of BASCOE." [Reminds me of the
Advertisement for stray Terrier Dog— Lost— answers to the name of
BASCOE, &o.]
" This way. then, Sir," returns the official, sharply.
Uncommonly like what I expected.
Happy Thought.— Turn it off. Say smilingly " Very mysterious,"
so as to anticipate MILBURD, who, I feel sure, will " improve the
occasion" in my absence. My Aunt and I ascend cabin-steps.
" Hallo ! " says a voice we recognise with a pleasurable sense of
relief, "just caught Mister Steamboat. Found Colonel Bunch-of-
keys in my pocket just now. Couldn't wire, 'cos it 's not good enough
for Mister Sunday."
He means that there is no telegraphing on Sunday. This I
explain to my Aunt, who immediately replies that she perfectly
understands MR. AXWORTH. [She means ENGLEMORE— But as
we 're starting in two minutes, why not, AXWOBTH. P] My Aunt
makes this reply somewhat tartly.
Happy Thought.—" Tartly is the word. But how did tartly
come l>y its signification. A Tart is a sweet — no, on second thoughts
a Tart always wants sugar. [ Complication of Adjectives and Nouns.
Ch. xiv. Book 6, Typ. Devel.}
"So," continues ENGLEMORE, "In two twos my name's Mister
Hansom to follow. Thought you 'd be in a deuce of a way when
you found yourself far away from your native land, and couldn't
get at Mister Toothbrush, or Colonel Nightgown."
My Aunt gravely admits that the fact of these two celebrities
being untegatable (" un-get-at-able " according to Dixon's John-
sonary) was causing her a great deal of anxiety.
"All for shore!" shouts Somebody Else with a voice (very fine
voices about here), a bell rings, and a third of the people, who up to
this time I had taken for passengers, suddenly appear as if, being
panic-stricken by some unexpected and startling intelligence (as for
example " There 's a leak ! "or " She must sink after the first two
miles 1 " or " Safe to blow up before she gets to Greenwich ! "), they
are rushing from the ship.
" Good-bye !" says ENGLEMORE. "Wish you a merry Tripmas
and a happy New There. Love to Master Boy at the Nore. By the
way - "
" Now, Sir ! " says a nautical official to him, for ENGLMCOKE is
actually detaining the Baron.
" All right, don't wait for me," says ENGLEMORE, and then to me,
seriously but hurriedly, with one hand on the gangway rail, " Let
me see— I was going to say— something of the greatest importance,"
— and he has forgotten it — no, he remembers it-^" I saw P. He
says Yes, Good. But when ? " They are beginning to move the
gangway. The bell sounds violently. We are in motion. ENGLE-
MORE dashes across the gangway. Safe on the quay, he calls out,
" Wire on arrival. Say when I can have five minutes with you.
Don't forget Colonel Sideboard."
We are moving slowly off. "Mister Dinner Service too, if you
see him," he calls out, as a last reminder. I nod, and waive my
hand. We are slowly drifting away, and steam-power commencing.
ENGLEMORE has evidently remembered something very important at
the last minute. He shouts, "I quite forgot to ... Saron
Osy's engines render the remainder of this inaudible, but he is evi-
wire," and we are fairly started.
PARISIAN.— Great Success!
Loan Collection.
Now on view. M. THIEBS' new
62
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1872.
^ \ y
BENIGHTED BEINGS.
"SPILE THE HAY? AT, BTJT THE MASTER LET 'EM IN. THEY BE A SCHOOL, JIM.
FOE THE DAT ; AND, MAY BE, NONE ON 'EM AIN'T NEVBB SEEN A HATFIELD AFORE ! "
A POOR IGNORANT LOT COME FRO* LONDON
EFFECTS OF THE HOT WEATHEE.
MR. LAZIE TONGS engaged a valet to relieve him from the labour
of parting his back hair.
MR. SCAMPER found that business took him suddenly (in a friend's
yacht) to the cooling coast of Norway, whence he telegraphed to his
wife that, as he most probably would be detained some weeks, she
had better take the children down to Felixstowe or Worthing.
MR. FOPPINQTON saved a pound a week by giving up his usual
bouquet for his button-hole, on the excuse that it was— aw — too hot
you know to carry things.
MR. LARKER bought a squirt, and amused himself by sprinkling
all the passers-by who had not their umbrellas up.
MR. NEERDOWEEL resolved to do something for a livelihood, but
so intense was the heat that his good resolution quickly melted quite
away.
Miss "WALSTNGHAM ate two-and-twenty ices at a ball, finding
nothing else to do, as the men had all struck dancing.
MR. SWETTER joined a reading party, who proposed to take it
coolly, and to go to Iceland.
MR. GUZZLEMORE daily drank two quarts of champagne cup with
his dinner, and even then protested that his throat was as dry as a
debate upon Scotch law reform.
MR. CLYFAKER complained of business being sadly slack, as, in
consequence of the hot weather, the swells all left their heavy jewel-
lery at home, and went about with next to nothing in their pockets.
MR. LATEBIB.D came home nightly at three o'clock A.M., on the
plea that the great heat prevented him from sleeping until the
smaller hours.
MR. SWELLER, of the Albany, was seen walking in a dust-coat,
and without his gloves.
MRS. MACSKINFLTNT put her servants on board wages, and fed
her husband on cold mutton while the great heat lasted.
MR. REEDER found his strength so much reduced by the hot
weather that he was reluctantly obliged to leave his books, and join
a crew in pulling up from Maidenhead to Oxford.
MR. DOWNIE was so greatly overcome by the hot weather, that in
a moment of exhaustion he overpaid a cabman.
MR. TIPPLETON discovered that the salmon had got into his head
before the second entree, which he protested was " inconshequench
— hie — stornry — hie— hightempreture."
MR. DIDDLER found his resources so exhausted by the heat that
he felt himself compelled to leave his lodgings without settling with
his landlady.
MR. PHUNKIE was so greatly overcome by the high temperature
that in the heat of the moment he used a rather warm expression
while dancing with Miss FLIRTINGLEY, and has since been tortured
by the thought that he is bound, now, to propose to her.
MR. FORESIGHT has just laid in his winter stock of coal, at an
advance of more than twelve shillings a ton, which, in total ignorance
of any other reason, he attributes wholly to the wondrously hot
weather.
Epigram for an Irish Editor.
AIL 's up with poor ould Ireland ! One last pang
She feels, which 0 that GLADSTONE should impart !
" He curls his viper tail and strikes his fang
Envenomed " (whack !) " into the nation's heart."
Anti-Sanitary Initials.
THE Privy Council, on the 30th ult, issued two orders relative to
the Contagious Diseases (Animals) Act. One of them directs the
slaughter, within ten days, of all sheep and goats imported from
any place in the Empire of Germany into Great Britain. The ani-
mals affected by the Contagious Diseases Acts would, if they could,
like .Ssop's quadrupeds, speak, perhaps for brevity's sake, call
those Acts the " C. D. Acts." Of course a section of them would
dissent strongly not only from those, but from any Acts whatsoever
of that kind, unpleasantly affecting themselves. Those opponents
of " C. D. Acts," if they were bipeds, would perhaps get them called
"Contagious Dissenters Acts."
AUGUST 10, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
63
AFTER THE BALL.
" DID I SAY ANYTHING FOOLISH, PARKER, WHIN YOU WORK MB THIS
MORNING!"
"No, Miss. You LOOKED IT!"
VIVA LA LIBERIA!
YOUK freedom as to Sunday beer
Is curtailed, and your simple right
After the play to make good cheer
As heretofore a Briton might.
Your fathers never would have borne
Restraint* like these without some noise ;
They would have held themselves in scorn
Submitting to be ruled like boys.
Ah yes !— but then the Tory 'Squires
And Parsons did this Island rule.
'Twas that which would have made our Sires
Rebel if governed as a school.
Now we obey the People's voice.
(Prig-ridden People will you say ?)
It is the Members of our choice
Who vote our liberty away.
Paternal Government behold 1
A Public self -enslaved! Meanwhile
How tyrannous, proud, bloated, old
Aristocrats look on and smile !
A DUNSTABLE LARK.
DISSENTERS of all denominations should be interested
in the circumstance that Dunstable Priory Church is un-
dergoing restoration. The work already done has cost
£8,000, and there are a " unique and graceful west win-
dow," a south aisle, "as fine a specimen of Gorman
work as is to be found in the kingdom," and a new oak
roof " worth a visit to Dunstable to see," to show for it.
The Restoration Committee want £3,000 more. To this
fund the Dissenters, no doubt, will contribute their
mites like ripe Stiltons. In Dunstable Priory Church
ABCHBISHOP CRANMER pronounced sentence of divorce
between HENRY THE EIGHTH and CATHERINE OF ARAGON.
But for that, there might have been no Dissenters at all.
Bankers— BASSETT & Co., Dunstable.
SPORTING AND METEOROLOGICAL QUESTION. — Sir, how
am I to know when it 's a Dead Heat ?— Why, when it 's
quite cold.
MATKIMONY AND MUSIC.
AT a particularly jolly marriage celebrated on Saturday last week
in Westminster Abbey, a musical and out-and-out musical marriage,
the bride and bridegroom were of course played away from the
Communion-table rails with MENDELSSOHN'S Wedding March.
Yes; of course. MENDELSSOHN'S Wedding March is as indispen-
sable to the nuptials of eminent persons as the National Anthem is
to a Royal visit to a theatre. On this occasion, however, originality
was in a measure consulted, if not by MR. TURLE the organist,
perhaps by the parties about to be united, who may themselves
have organised the musical arrangements. For, says the Pott : —
" After the first part of the ceremony, the bridal procession advanced to the
altar, the choir singing the Detts Misereatur to the chant ' Turk ' from
BEETHOVEN."
That is to say, a certain chant adapted from BEETHOVEN by
MR. TURLE. Solemn music no doubt, and suitable to words which
express a very proper frame of mind on the part of persons embark-
ing on the sea of matrimony which the best assorted couple must
expect to find more or less troubled. That the expectations of
those concerned in the present instance were the very brightest, is a
consideration which adds force to their example ot cautious fore-1
thought. All people have their own troubles, and, besides those, a
husband and wife share each other's. "The course of true love
never did run smooth," says Somebody whom Nobody contradicts ;
and, when you consider that not even the immense fortune now
necessary to keep house and afford butcher's meat in any sphere of
decent society can avert the annoyances connected with the nursery,
or the dissatisfaction experienced when there is no room for them,
you will probably consider the psalm above quoted a very fit one to
be chanted on the celebration of even one of the most hopeful of
imaginable marriages. Only perhaps you will be of opinion that
appropriate as Misereatur must ever be to the most jocund
hymenals, it would be still more agreeable to sing a Miserere at
once. Indeed a philosopher would like to hear a DC Profundis added.
However, "Hope springs eternal in the human breast,' and the
Times informs us that, on the most interesting occasion above
referred to, after the Dews Misereatur had been chanted, the psalm,
Beati Omnes, was intoned by the precentor, the Rsv. S. JLOOD
JONES. Beati Omnes ! Sing O terque quaterque beati! In the lan-
guage of Freemasonry let us say, " So mote they be." Who? All
married couples, new and old, till death do them part, and after.
Celibacy and single-blessedness, you know, are synonymous.
SABBATARIAN POINT SCORED.
PATERNAL Government and Legislature, under Teetotal and
Sabbatarian influence, have enacted a law which for an additional
A
OclUUaW*! lt*ll ILUlUCllUCj nu > u uut*vw\* *• * ~
hour is to shut up places of refreshment at the very time when
Excursionists most require it during Excursion hours on Sunday.
What do "Liberal" Ministers and their supporters expect to gain
by this sumptuary legislation in the spirit of a clergyman who is the
autocrat of an Academy ? Votes, perhaps, at the next election.
The authors and abettors of the Anti-excursion Clause in the
Licensing Bill will not have incommoded by it all the voters in
England. There are some, indeed, whom they have delighted and
not disgusted ; fanatics, hypocrites, and humbugs. In the metro-
politan districts the step they have taken towards stopping Sunday
excursions altogether will, now that the Ballot is the law of the
land, no doubt procure them a very considerable pr ponderance of
votes on the side of their opponents.
Malapropiana.
MRS. MALAPROP is making a collection of butterflies, which she
hopes may help her to understand the theory of caterpillary attrac-
tion. With a view to gain some foreign information on the subject,
she has been reading MR. WALLACE'S delightful book of travel in
what she calls the Himmalayan Archipelago.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 10, 1872.
THE CLOSE OF THE SEASON.
Housemaid (to Constant Visitor). "Missis SENDS you THIS, AND YOU NEEDN'T COMB AGAIN, TOK WE'RE ALL GOINO TO THE
SBA-SIDK ON SATURDAY."
Mendicant. "TZLL THE LADY I'M MUCH OBLIGED TO HER, AND I 'M GOING TO THE SEA-SIDE MYSELF NEXT WEEK ! "
WORDS AND WIND.
IN the days of illustrious DITTOTT and WHISTON
Hypothetical Chemistry spoke of " Phlogieton."
And in Medicine and Surgery, fevers and tumours,
And all sorts of diseases were set down to " humours."
Other words, too, had Science, which since being tested
By researches exact, have of sense been divested,
And the Sages of Nature have had their ontology
To revise ; BO will Doctors have that of Theology.
The old Schoolmen's expressions of " Substance " and " Person,"
Which the faith of mankind they imposed with a curse on,
By devoting gainsayers to vengeance eternal.
Prove mere shells which contain no idea for kernel.
HOLT, NON OL'T.
IF people won't get their advertisements printed correctly, 'tis
not Mr. Punch's fault if his World-Censorship touches them up to
their discontent. Nine Correspondents sent him nine copies of the
notification that £10 a year was offered to a Second Master of the
Holt school. It seems that £110 ought to have been the amount
proffered. That's a deal better, and Mr. Punch hopes that a good
Second Master has been obtained for what Brooks's Gazetteer declares
to be an " excellent " free school, founded by Sia THOMAS GHESHAM.
" God save the foundation," as Dogberry says, and now you under-
stand what he meant. See how Mr. Punch hangs instruction on,
every peg in the world !
A Pun for our Premier.
PROSPERITY advances by leaps and hounds, does it? What a
pity it is, rather, that Prosperity is not likely to be boundless !
A HINT.
A FUND is being raised for an. arrangement with the creditor1-
SIGUOR MABIO, who is inconvenienced by them. Mr. Punch tn
that a handsome subscription will be made. Nothing can be gru<l :
that ministers to the comfort of one whose talents have given pi
sure to thousands. But Mr. Punch wonders whether bad ginp<
music-hall folks, and the rest of the class which is, in the mu
world, what bad writers and obscure little critics are in literati
will raise a howl at the proposal to help MARIO, and will say, "
has earned plenty of money for years, what did he do with it ? '
so, right-minded people will have another opportunity for the disp
of two things — excellent in their place— namely, liberality, and
contempt.
THE CITY OF LIONS.
IT appears that the ATTORNEY-GENERAL made a mistake in hi
speech about the diplomatic mission from the British Government
the Vatican, when he stated that the POPE still remained an in .',.-
pendent Sovereign within the limits of the Leonine City. The (
of LEO THE FOURTH that was is now the City of VICTOR EMMANI
THE FIRST, having been annexed by Plebiscitum to the Ita
Kingdom. The lions of the Leonine City are mostly architects
sculptural, and pictorial ; so that the Holy Father, even if he w>"-
as he calls himself, a prisoner, could not, without very pi ••>-
absurdity, compare himself to DANIEL in the Lions' Den. But li
Holiness is in the frequent habit of drawing a comparison bol'
than that.
Genuine American Claim.
THERE is certainly one claim of immense amount which may be
advanced by the United States, and is incontestable ; the claim of
MR. STANLEY to have discovered DR. LIVINGSTONE.
Ud by Joieph Smith, of Nn. 24. Holford Hquarr.ln the Piri«h of St. Junes. Of>rk"rnren. in the County of Middle*, at the PiHntlnf? Office* of M-str* Bradbury. RYana, ft Co. Lombar'f
Street, in Uie Prec net of Wult«frlan,ln the City of London, and r utilised by him, at No. 85, Fleet Suetl. in the P. riah of St. Bride, City of L, mdoB.— tfiTCKHAT. Augurt 10, 1872.
ADODST 17, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
65
PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
"
. PEACOCK in one of his delightful novels (which are not novels,
except in the sense that they are full of wit and wisdom, now
novelties, save in these immortal columns) has the genial chant :
" Over, over, oyer, jolly, jolly rorer ! "
The Session is over, over, over, and you may all be jolly,
jolly rovers, if you like. But do as you please. Mr. Punch
would not coerce anybody into jollity. All unnecessary legis-
lation is tyranny. Stay in town, and be dismal if you like,
there's no charge. We shan't. Boll on, thou deep and .dark
blue ocean, and roll up plenty of prawns. Is this levity ? i We
care not. Parliament is up. Roar to the cads and the [cabs,
Big Ben, we hope not to hear thee again for many a night !
Boom to the boats and the bridge, cracked one that hangest so
high, and overflow thy bower with thy questionable melodies !
We shall hear them not —
" Where the broad ocean leans against the land."
But we must dismiss the Assembly with decorum.
Monday, August 5.— Greenwich Hospital is to be made a grand and complete Naval University, which is to confer sea-degrees.
VOL. ism.
66
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1872.
The subject suggests much facetiousness. We graciously leave it
to our young men. The Bill for opening this Watery " Eye of
England " has passed.
So has the Druidical Circles Bill, but there is to be no Military
Depot at Oxford until the Dons have given their sentence on the
plan.
So has the Public Health Bill, an excellent step in the right
direction, but not half enough of a stride.
MR. FAWCETT, the Undaunted, interposed. He called upon
ME. GLADSTONE to give such an explanation of the DR. HOOKEB busi-
ness, as should show that the Government appreciated the eminenl
services of that gentleman.
This made it necessary for SIR Jons LUBBOCK to state the case
against MB. AYRTON, which he did at some length.
MB. OSBORNE said that, with all MR. AYRTON'S faults, the House
loved him still. (Very still.) He was an efficient servant, but^ had
MR. LOWE stated that he could not coin more than £30,000 of , a military abruptness which would be more proper at the Horse
silver in a week. This is a bore, as we want small change when out Guards, or in Ireland. He had been audacious, and also orchid-
of town. aeeous, as regarded the great botanist. But, added MR. OSBORNE,
We nearly polished off the Licensing Bill in the Commons. The is there not a job somewhere ? Kensington, eh ? Is Kew to be made
Publicans have not succeeded in overthrowing the Grocers, in the , a Cole-cellar 't However, let Mu. AYKTOX and the Doctor say they
matter of liquor-vending, but have done something. Grocerius is to i have both been wrong, and make it up.
be treated as Publicanus is treated. The person who buys a. sealed > MR. BROMLEY-DAVENPORT said that if, as was supposed, there was
bottle of liquor at a grocer's is, primn fucie, a person who is going to a yearly wager between MR. LOWE and MR. AYRTON as to which
refresh himself, reasonably, in the bosom of his family, and to share should make the greatest number of discourteous answers, Mu.
his comforts with them, and this sort of purchase is to be encouraged. AYHTON had won in a walk.
The opposition to it is all spite and greed. The modification in the Then did the great AYRTOX show himself equal to the occasion,
Bill, however, is not of much consequence, and Bung says he has and his speech approached the sublime. He was for treating small
been betrayed. i quarrels in an easy, good-tempered way— that was for MR. BROMLEY
On the case of the REV. MB. O'KKEFE, suspended by his priestly \ — and there was usually some good sense obscured by MB. OSBORNE'S
superiors for resorting to British law, severe things were said about jokes. As for DR. HOOKER, MR. AYRTON had done what he believed
the Irish Education Commissioners being subservient to the Priests, j to be his duty, and the former was one of those scientific gentlemen
Subserviency was denied, but error of judgment admitted by the who do not make themselves amenable to the usages of the public
Government. •'""
MB. ASTON, of the Bounty Office, thought that " money-lenders "
would put on the screw to defeat a Dilapidation Bill which is meant j morial of the "philosophers," (Mi .
to benefit the Clergy, so he wrote to some Members, asking them to | the signatures — nay, read them again. SIR CHARLES LYELL, MB.
make a House, and defeat Shylock. Breach of privilege was talked DAEWIN, PBOFESSOB HUXLEY, PROFESSOR TYNDALL, SIR JAMES
about, but MR. ASTON meant well, and the affair came to nothing.
Tuesday.— Heaps of legislation forwarded by the Lords.
In the Commons, the Indian Budget was presented by MR. GBANT
DUFF. Into a great mass of figures he suddenly stuck a quotation,
to make matters lively. Here it is, —
" My father was an Affghan and came from Candahar,
He rode with Nawal Amir Khan in the oM Mahratta war.
From the Deccan to the Himalay, five hundred of our clan,
They asked no leave of king or chief as they swept thro' Hindostan."
This narrative has much interest, and the argument is convincing.
ME. GRANT DUFF, however, mentioned a few other points. We are
happy to say that he gave a most favourable account of the Indian
Revenue, and stated that we had a much larger surplus than was
expected, in fact, the largest cash balance ever known. Yet, since
the mutiny, we have spent, for the benefit of India, Eighty-Nine
Millions sterling, which
"Indus litoribut rubra serutatur in alga."
Nay, friend CLAUBIAN, not BO ; it has been usefully laid out. Why
poke in with a quotation which is not to the pui pose ?
MR. FAWCETT then performed a feat which must be mentioned.
To understand it, we must of necessity recall the fact that he is
dependent on the attention and affection of others for all the infor-
mation he can obtain. To-day he delivered a long speech on Indian
PAGET, SIR H. HOLLAND, SIR H. RAWLINSON, the President of the
College of Physicians, the President of the College of Surgeons, the
President of the Linntean Society, and ME. SPOTTISWODE,) this is
what ME. AYRTON had to say : —
" These gentlemen think themselves of great weight and authority. No
doubt they are gentlemen who are eminent for their knowledge of organic and
inorganic matter. (Laughter.) They have applied their minds to various
branches of natural science, and they pride themselves upon being individr
ally superior to myself. I am but myself— (lait'jhter) — an humble membt.
of a profession which prides itself upon receiving deservedly higher consider^-
tion than the science of organic and inorganic matter. It is a science which
regulates the relations between man and man, and teaches people that they
must act righteously."
Mr. Punch feels that after this he must, for once, imitate MR.
AYETON, who presently declined to have anything more to say on
the subject. This is
" The large utterance of the early gods."
It is too stupendous for comprehension, let alone comment. He
added that grave charges had been made against him by a subor-
dinate (DR. HOOKER) and it depended on the way that charge
should be disposed of what his course would be. He said, and sat.
Another slight row, raised by ME. BROMLEY-DAVENPORT, enabled
the House to take breath, and then, dignus vindice nodus,
finance, resuming the subject at the evening sitting, and the lucidity Tr-T¥ ?* . .
with which he marshalled the facts and figures which must have ' Hls des™e been * r ta l 8ervlces °f two able and valuable
-T¥ ?*¥"?5 eiP.re88ed his deep regret at what had occurred.
ls des™e ^ been *? rf tal? l¥ 8,ervlces °f two able
been compiled for and recited to him, afforded a wonderful instance i S6?1^1 itireaf"iy u ° j », ° . exPlanatlon to. - .
of acquired skill. The display must have been very gratifying to I * • "£• ch,ar£ed MR; AYRTON with evasions and mis-
the friend who had helped Mm-we venture no surmisl on the sub- rePre£entations : this charge must be withdrawn. MR. GLADSTONE'S
ject. His opinions as to our treatment of India are not those of the 2^ ™vate Secretary, MR. WEST had tried to make peace, but had
majority of the House, but there was little discussion, and the Indian ' , d< ' ;lU' ."P.1" fave ° °'* «• AYRTON had been content to
Budget was accepted. '
Wednesday, and yet the Lords did not keep Woden's day, but sat
to push on business.
BIB JOHN LUBBOCK said that as it was so late in the Session he
OL ln, i nng on nis m°tion regarding DR. HOOKEB. Let us quote
a Sheffield song of the lower sort. " ' Boh ! ' cried Tiger, undaunted."
Tiger here stands for MR. FAWCETT. You '11 read.
Wequite polished off the Licensing BUI, and sent it to the Lords.
SIB WILFRID LAWSON begged leave to describe the measure.
Heavier penalties were imposed on drunkards, and on drunkard-
makers, and there were stricter penalties against adulteration It
would not dimmish the number of licensed public-houses. ME. BEUCE
said that he did not expect legislation to stop drunkenness, but it
was a duty to punish it.
An Irish Member, and his name is MR. MUHPHT, from Cork,
actually thanked the Saxon Government for the Bill. But this is a
season of phenomena.
Thursday.— The Lords behaved like gentlemen. They met at five,
to forward Bills, then they adjourned until nearly midnight, when
they came again to expedite the Appropriation Bill.
The Commons had their last night of fight, and it
was not a bad
one. After a great number of small matters, the Third Reading of
the last-mentioned Bill was moved.
leave matters in his PREMIER'S hands, but such an attack had been
made that it was not to be expected he could remain silent. He
had certainly answered strongly. But, if it had not been for DR.
HOOKER'S illness, a letter from him would probably have stopped
the whole matter. Government only desired to do its duty.
Ma. COWPEB-TEMPLE said that MR. AYBTON had shown a bitter-
ness against DR. HOOKER and all scientific men, and in the letters it
was assumed that they were not to be treated as gentlemen.
The Appropriation Bill then passed.
It was supposed that we had done with the debate on ME. BUTT'S
endeavour to procure a condemnation of MR. JUSTICE KBOGH. But,
somehow, it was resumed, and after several exceedingly flat speeches,
relieved by a manly and spirited defence of the Judge by SIK
ROBERT PEEL, 126 Members voted against the motion, which had 25
supporters. MR. JUSTICE KKOGH, as was certain to be the case, has
thus been upheld by the Imperial Parliament, against the Ultra-
montanes and their representatives,
put on their trial.
The Bishop and Priests will be
Friday.— The last discussion in the Lords was on the question of
Farthings, complaint of a deficiency having been made. LOKD
LANSDOWNE said that there were enough. Did he ever see one ?
Does he know that the word means a fourth of a penny ; a
fourthms ?
We did not sit long in the Commons, but we had great fun. ME.
AUGUST 17, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
67
\V ii A T.T,F.Y brought on the case of CASTRO; and, amid the roars of Protestant, who would have loudly condemned u Jesuitically im-
t In- House, declared his belief in that ill-used man, and vowed that moral the doctrine that the end justifies the means. Take the case
he would " beg from door to door "for funds to assist him. He in phrenological terms. Conscientiousness presided over this gentle-
used language for which he was sternly rebuked by MK. BRUCE, and man's conduct in all secular affairs. In matters of religion, hpw-
MR. HENRY JAM KS cautioned the House not to permit one of its ever, veneration appears to have presided somewhat over conscien-
M embers to wander about abusing judges, juries, and counsel, and I tiousness, and self-esteem a little over both. Still he lived a good
indulging in a Mountebank Performance. Of course, a ridiculous ! life, and made a good end. He sank peacefully to rest, says our
motion by the Member for the Idiots of Peterborough was negatived, . Southampton contemporary ; and adds the quotation : —
and CASTRO will go into the dock.
Saturday. — We were released from our labours.
The Royal Speech mentioned —
1. Maintenance of the American Treaty.
2. Menaced end to Free Trade with France.
3. Treaty with Germany for Extradition of Criminals.
4. Suppression of East African Slave-trade.
5. Responsible Government at the Cape.
6. Pacific Islanders' Protection.
7. Army Localisation.
8. Ballot.
9. Municipal Elections.
10. Scottish Education.
11. Irish Local Government.
12. Amendment of Uniformity Act.
13. Public Health Act.
M. Chancery Funds Act.
15. Mines Act.
16. Licensing Act.
17. Irish tranquillity and prosperity.
18. And ended with a warning to commercial folk to be con-
siderate and thoughtful.
The last words made Mr. Ptinrh moody, and he walked slowly
away from the New Palace of Wtstminster. But suddenly recol-
lecting that the Session Was over, he (ThortltJ in Ijts 3og.
" Mark the perfect man and behold the upright, for the end of that man i»
peace."
Upright undoubtedly ; but what man is perfect? A degree of
bumptiousness, however, which sometimes a little obscures a gene-
rally cloudless ethical vision, only superadds a slight touch of the
comic to the character of a model man.
BESIDE THE SEA.
COMIC "MENS CONSCIA RECTI."
Hampshire Independent, the other day, published an obit-
i ary of a most respectable chemist and druggist, for many years one
of the notabilities of Southampton. This gentleman was a highly
religious and moral man, moral as well as religious; performed
many and large public uses, and was most exemplary in private life,
besides being very popular for his bland and affable deportment.
His memory can, therefore, well afford the smile likely to be occa-
sioned by one or two passages of that memoir, which, in a spirit,
however, of the highest respect, presents certain of his characteris-
tics so displayed as to appear a little droll.
Although an intelligent member of the Church of England, this
gentleman was a Sabbatarian, and an extreme, though not a crabbed,
but on the contrary a jovial and even jocular one. He once at-
tended a meeting of the Evangelical Alliance at Edinburgh, and no
doubt made the humorous Scotchmen, if not their more serious
English allies, laugh heartily, at least, by the point led up to in the
following remarks :—
" He was sorry to see so many Christians employing cabi to stand ouUide
the door of their churches to receive them when they retired from worship.
There might sometime 8 be excuses for that, but he really thought it would be
better if some people stayed at home than prevent those whom they emplo)'ed
in this way from going to a place of worship. The only one who raised an
objection to the clause was a gentleman of high standing-, who said, ' What
will become of the people coming into the town on a Sunday ? ' and he
replied, 'If there is an) thing in the world that would give me pleasure, it
would be to have an enactment that would put all the persons that come into
town on a Sunday to the greatest possible inconvenience.' "
The audience thus addressed was one of whom the most part.'no
doubt, felt their fancy tickled by the suggestion of a legislative
practical joke to be enforced at the expense of "Sawbbath" -breakers;
the joke sure to have been enhanced in the utterance by a style of
genial self-complacency. A conscientious, jocund self-satisfaction
is known to have been one of this excellent gentleman's most dis-
tinctive qualities. He firmly believed that he always acted for the
best, and any doubt about the correctness of anything he did appa-
rently never occurred to him. Accordingly he also told the Scotch-
men and his other Evangelical hearers the following story about
himself : —
" Hi- felt it incumbent on him, as a religious man, who had to give an
answer before God, to do something to put the Sabbath traffic down, and he
went to the chief man in the town who kept his shop open, bought something
from him, and laid information against him, but a second magistrate could
not be found upon the Bench to convict him."
To the reader the fnn of this anecdote will probably appear to lie
principally in the utter absence it evinced of the slightest misgiving
as to his own right, in the cause of Sabbatarianism, to break the
' Sabbath," for the purpose of getting an an ti- Sabbatarian fined for
breaking it. This little mistake, too, was made by an enthusiastic
Al.k
is right sweet
beside the sea,
Beside Sweet JANE
as well ;
For Ocean shows it-
self, like me,
Sometimes a won-
drous swell.
Here at Llandudno I
can pace,
"With step superb
and grand,
And feel in London,
for I face.
Whene'er I like,
the Strand.
JANE loves the fash-
ions more than
books —
The Opera best of
all:
She leads me there by
words and looks,
Horse-like, into a
stall.
She smiles whene'er I
talk of men
Whose names can
never die ;
And sad it is to hear
her then
Just mutterslowly,
"WhyP"
I 've talked of MILTON'S stately mnse —
Of Avon's deathless hard ;
But soon with hers I found my views
Did not accord, but jarred.
Once I named SHELLEY and T. MOORE ;
I saw she was at sea ;
She said that shelly was the shore,
Thought T. MOORE meant more tea.
I spoke of BACON to her once ;
'Twas wrong, I quickly found ;
She cured me, said 1 was a dunce,
And asked, " How much a pound ? "
I gave up BACON, spoke of LAMB,
But she was ill at ease ;
She knew not CHARLES, I 'm sure, I am,
Because she whispered " Peas ! "
There is a tide in men's affairs,
So WILLIAM 8. has said ;
And mine may be a flood of cares
If I dear JANE should wed.
Yet still I love these sea-side strolls,
For then I gladly woo ;
And know, for one, time sweetly rolls,
When Ocean's rolling too.
Natural Query.
IN his calling he is, modest ATRTON declares,
What are LYELL, and HUXLEY, and PAOET, m theirs:
Then, why 's he so low down the Government stain ?
68
PUNCH, OR THE LOND0J* CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1872.
TAKING THOUGHT FOR THE FUTURE.
" YOU SEEM TO BE A GREAT FAVOURITE WITH THE YOUNQ LADIES OF THE HOUSE, MlSS MUNDAYNE I "
"YES! I'M ALWAYS CIVIL TO GIRLS! ONE NEVER KNOWS WHOM THKY MAY MARRY, YOU KNOW!"
NO BISMARCK IN BRITAIN.
LET us be thankful that, whilst our personal habits are duly con-
trolled by paternal legislation, the freedom of combination for poli-
tical purposes, however subversive soever, is unbounded. Read
this:—
" LONDON HOME-RULERS AND THE PKIESTS : — A strenuous effort is being
made to increase and organise the Irish vote for the purpose of influencing the
coming elections. On Monday evening an influential meeting of Roman
Catholics, lay as well as clerical, was held at the Presbytery, Tottenham
Road, Kingsland. ARCHBISHOP MANNING, at whose instance the meeting
was convened, took the chair, and was supported by fifteen priests."
The Times goes on to say that they formed a Roman Catholic
Registration Society, and organised a general committee empowered
to appoint fifteen sub-committees, one for each mission, to be com-
posed of Priests and Laymen, the chief Priest of each mission to be
ex officio chairman. It also announces the gratifying intelligence
that a meeting is to be held at Islington, on Monday next, under the
presidency of CANON OAKLEY, " in furtherance of these objects ; "
also that:
" An address has been widely distributed ' by the (toveming body of the
Irish Home Rule Association,' in which they urge the London Irish to enroll
their names in the lisU of voters in every parish and precinct within the me-
tropolitan Parliamentary electoral district."
Thus we behold the formation of a League with an ultimate object
essentially identical with that of the celebrated one recorded in
French History. Home Rule, if obtained, will of course issue in the
repeal of the Act of Settlement. The Irish Church was a sentimental
grievance which its disestablishment and disendowment have not
redressed. Still the faithful Irish remain precluded from having
to reign over them a Sovereign professing their own faith. Home
Rule, if conceded (after having been thought about twice and three
times), will of course end in the further concession of the abolition
of that statute which insults Roman Catholic Ireland by the imposi-
tion of Protestant Royalty.
See how British enlightenment puts to shame the blind intolerance
of Germany ! ARCHBISHOP MANNING and his sacerdotal confede-
rates have no fear of a weak but bigoted BISMARCK before their
eyes. Jesuits are free to try and avenge their martyred predecessors.
For fidelity to the POPE'S deposing Bulls, by the law of England,
Jesuits were formerly hanged, drawn, and quartered. Their present
representatives are able to combine for the overthrow of the Pro-
testant monarchy, and unrestrained in taking steps towards the
dismemberment of the British Empire. Yah, BISMARCK, you
pusillanimous persecutor! What can you and your King and
country say for yourselves like that ?
New Article for the JAfe-Guards.
{Not on any account to lie declined except as follows : — )
Masc. Fern. Neuter.
Norn. Hickey. Hawkey. Hockey.
Gen. Hu-jus(t get out of the way !)
Dative. Polo.
Ace. Hunc-le. Hanc-le (which hurts if hit at} Hoc-1
(and makes you cry out)
Vocative. 0 !
AM. Polo. Hac(-cident). Polo.
The Lambeth Nuisance.
SHOULD the ABCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY still have cause to
csmplain of the Smoke nuisance, he ought at once to put up the
celebrated "Lambeth Register," and get rid of it.t Any careful
Paterfamilias would have seen to the register at the first mention of
smoke.
EDMUNDS V. ELLIS.
ANOTHER " Edmunds Scandal " Case is o'er ;
Here endeth, let us hope, the Edmunds Bore.
tc O >
AUGUST 17, 1672.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
71
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
versation : then I '11 (peak to him : he '11 speak to tne. Then I '11
say to him, " I fancy I recollect your face at — -" and leave him
to fill in the blank.
Mister Griimer asks the Captain, gruffly, " When shall we be at
Antwerp "r"
I set him down at once as a rude, unpolished man. He has not
been a quarter of an I
Aboard the Baron.
ANY ladies disappear at
once. My Aunt does this _p __f
immediately, and has got , been a quarter of an hour on the Os;/, and he walks up to the Cap-
hold of the Stewardess tain, who is, as it were, by an agreeable fiction, his host, for the
in a corner. My Aunt's time, and asks " When shall we be at Antwerp ? " which really
general notion of steam- means, " Look here, I 'm tired of this : why don't you get on and go
boat travelling is, either j faster ? When shall we be off this ship, and get rid of you, eh ? "
that you must go to bed Happy Thought.— Soften it down. The Captain is a foreigner, and
at once, directly you get peculiarly courteous, so 1 fuel that I should like to show him that the
on board, or never. That, Grinner, as a boor, is an exceptional Englishman. Say jocularly, "O,
in fact, once on deck we shan't be at Antwerp till seven or eight to-morrow morning— and,"
always on deck, or, once | heai-tily, for the sake of the Captain, " I 'm glad of it, for a plea-
in bed, always in bed. j ganter way of spending a good many hours " — being uncertain as to
MILBURD, who has made the number of hours the ship is advertised to perform the voyage in,
great friends with my j don't like to make any inuendo (still on account of the Captain) as
Aunt in five minutes, j ^ what time we ought to take, so merely say " a good many hoars "
prevails upon her, as the |—" than on board a fine ship (compliment to the Captain) on a lovely
river is beautifully calm day, I don't know." The Grinner simply grins broader than before
and the day warm, to at mej M jf the recollection of the circumstances in which he 'd seen
come on deck ; and, as me jn days gone by, was too much for him, and, shoving his hands
he puts it, "keep com- j^ jjjg OVercoat pockets, he resumes his marching up and down
any with his Missus, without another word. Most irritating.
e means sit with his , xne Captain, who, by the way, has informed the Grinner that by
have Beven A-M, we 8hall be at Antwerp, is now occupied in looking
through an opera-glass.
Happy Thought.— To talk to him on general subjects. Why not
pa
He
wife, to whom we
been introduced. I
shall never be able to go
down again, I'm •«w>i>'|t«Ik6*(i6i»t«!iiong«Mr«liubje«f»P "Why be prof essional with a
my Aunt says, seating profe89jonai ? You don't always talk about teeth to a Dentist.
T hv rhfi nrefizfi. T» • , .-» ?* 1 1 , t - j A_^A_ T>_ ii_r — _i_ _• . ^£ never talking
>me deeply inte-
ptain, about the
In this case, sink the ship.
. Perhaps
out of him
with a look at me, as much as to imply that she is perfectly aware
' -•>""!— — ••• •••!•*«•«/«= — " v*nr
Happy Thought.— Sink the shop.
marriage would have sobered him.
iV~* " — " i ** ,' i_ '•£ 't A uyeii me UUIIVCIOHLIU
MILBUBD, who generally replies for her if he can, says that His tnig voya,,e eyery weefc ? » He regards me for one second, and then .
Missus has been priming herself for the voyage for three days before- resuming his opera-glasses, replies simply, that he is not rather tired
hand, and that the amount of chops and stout, and nereshe of it and turng to ^ in Fiemi8h, I fancy, to the Lieutenant.
stops him laughingly, and owns to not being a good sailor. Then Now 'j want a questfOn to follow. Several people come up to
my Aunt tells her what a very bad sailor the is ; and .how it comes talk to the Captain. xhere seems to be a sort of idea, prevalent
about that she is so ; and under what circumstances she is worse at amon(?8t aii the steamboat passengers, that if you make friends with
some times than at others. tne Captain, it (whatever ft i«) will be all right. There are some
Happy Thought.— Join in it, and tell them what a bad sailor men wno always know the Proprietors of Hotels, the Drivers of
7am. Better to prepare them, because if one isn't ill after all, Coaches, and the Captains of Ships, and pride themselves on the
you get a reputation for being a capital sailor, for modesty in not knowledge. I don't remark that they get better treated than any-
boasting of it, and for sympathy with the sufferings of others. At body else. MILBUBD, for instance, always knows every one, or says
this point MILBURD (at whom his wife laughs, admiringly, directly he he does. " Been talking to the First Officer ? " he asks me. I reply
opens his mouth) suggests various remedies ; among others, that (of « jfo, to the Captain."—" Well," he answers, " he it the First
course) of staying on shore, and finally of keeping your head under Officer."
water, in a pail, for twenty minutes. My Aunt tells me apart that Happy Thought.— Lucky I didn't address him as the Skipper.
ME. MILBUBD is really very funny. " He reminds me, she says, Questions which everyone asks the Captain :—
of a MB.— dear me, what teas his name? He propertied it forehange , jm What time shall we arrive at Antwerp P (Answer uncertain.)
some time afterwards, and went to France. Oh yes, of course, JOITES 2. Does he (the Captain) think we shall have a calm passage ?
—Ms. JONES. He was very droll, but I 'm not quite sure that I (Answer dependent upon whether before or after dinner or supper.)
don't prefer MB. ACKWOBTH " (she means MILBURD) MB. ACK- i 3> wb.en shall we be at sea ? Also when do we dine ? A mattei
WORTH'S fun to MR. JOKES'S jones after all. rj«»»rf« ,/inoo ,» i « .^ i__ „* — ._ A. iv.
JONES'S jokes. Vide DLxon's Johnsonary.)
(JOKES'S jones, i.e., Of tne deepest importance to those about to dine. The latter ques-
tion was put most earnestly by my Aunt. On the answer being
Happy Thought.— Get out of hearing of this conversation. Why ' given, the questioner refers to his watch.
can't people, on board a steamboat, find some other subject besides | [Happy Thought.— Dine at two. Not at sea till eight. Ques-
sea-siekness ? It 's just exactly the place where they oughtn't to tioner decides to dine and dine well.]
talk about it. Go and converse with the Captain. The Northern Farmer
is with him. He is asking, " Does he (the Captain) think it '11 be a
bad night ? " The Captain doesn't. On the contrary, a very ~"~1
night. It's a stupid question, because even if the Captain
think it '11 be a bad night, one can't go back now.
I notice a man, or rather a man notices me, as I am attracted
IT is well
Festival of 8. Guy.
rested by the Times that from the beginning of
August to the end of December seems " rather too long a period to
A uvbiui* ** man, vi iuiut;i «, luuu uvtuwB me, »a A. cuu »i*M«*^«/*'\* j ^j.ugusi to me euu oi A^eucmuer seems raLucT too iuii£ ti ptrriuu w
towards him by his perpetual grin. Whenever he sees me [and he De without any day of relaxation ; " that is, for those clerks and
sees me every three minutes regularly, because he is walking up and others whose only secular holidays are the Bank Holidays. Busi-
down the deck and grinning whenever he catches my eye as he • ness, perhaps, would not suffer very much if another day were con-
passes me] this grin seems to say "I know yoit. I recollect your ceded to them within the abovenamed_period. What day shall it
oing, something or other, in past years, that
.urry." I think I remember his face. But noi
I shan't forget in a
not his grin.
Happy Thought. — Now find out who he is. Process. I '11 speak move that another day be added to the number of Bank Holidi
the Captain : he '11 speak to the Captain : common subject of con- and that the additional Bank holiday be the Fifth of November.
to the
be ? Now, here is a chance for MB. WHALLBT. Let the Honour-
able Member for Peterborough, some time during next Session,
move that another day be added to the number of Bank Holidays,
72
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1872.
COLNEY-HATCH CANARD.
ELLEN KINO alias MART MORRIS, brought up on
remand at Richmond on Monday last week, charged
on her own confession with having caused the death
of her sweetheart, FRANK MARTIN, by pushing him
into a lake in Richmond Park, was, after she had been
detained in custody several days, discharged upon
evidence showing her to be of disordered mind. She
had said she "could point out the spot where she
pushed FRANK into the water." It is remarkable that
the Richmond Police and Magistrates omitted to inquire
about that in the first instance. Most persons resident
within walking distance of Richmond are acquainted
with the ponds in Richmond Park well enough to know
that, whatsoever may be their degree of depth in the
middle, at the sides the majority of them are so shallow
that it would be impossible to drown a mouse there by
pushing it into the water, unless a pebble .had been first
tied to its neck. The Richmond Magistracy and Con-
stabulary seem to be little versed in the topography of
Richmond.
DEFIANT DEFINITION.
Barmaid. " WE NEVER SERVE ANYBODY WHO 's HAD SUFFICIENT ; YOU "VE
TAKEN TOO MUCH ALREADY
Thirsty Customer. "YOU'LL 'XSHCUSHE ME, MARAM ! I MAY'VB 'AD TOO
MUSH (hie), BU' I 'AVEN T 'AD ENOUGH 1 1 "
Controversy and Curry.
ACCORDING to the Calcutta Correspondent of the Times,
the Bennett Judgment has been canvassed very warmly
and with much excitement in India. The Ritualist
controversy rages there even yet more violently than it
does among ourselves. These are comparatively far
more temperate latitudes than those of HER MAJESTY'S
Oriental dominions ; but then one would have expected
that, in a climate so much hotter than that of England,
the whole question of Ritualism would have been nar-
rowed down to the point whether an officiating clergy-
man, obliged by the Rubric to wear a surplice, ought,
when he has that vestment on, to have anything else.
The Anti-Philosopher.
THE Noble Savage ? Slighted HOOKER, we
The Savage clearly, yes, but merely, see.
Him of fair name would substitution rob
For Noble Savage of Ignoble Snob ~i
ANGLER'S MOTTO. — Carpe diem. A carp a day.
THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.
(For this Year only.)
Advice gratis. — Passports, you will be told, are of no use now-a-
dayg. Don't believe it. The more Passports you have the better.
The proof of this is the utter inability of everybody to answer the
plain question, " Why didn't DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE come back ? "
Why ? Simply on account of the Passport System on the one hand,
and because he had lost his return-ticket on the other. DR. LIVING-
STONE is a precious stone, and we 're glad he is a Living-stone ; and
this /<•/( de mot we present to Tourists as an excellent spice for casual
conversation. We 've got some more of the same sort, which can be
communicated privately on sending name and address, and postage
stamps in advance— the price of these novelties being so much an
hour. Our new Portable Joke- Cutting Machine, easily carried in a
hand-bag, can be had on application.
Pleasant Tours.— Perhaps, on the whole, one of the pleasantest
tours for August and September is first to Lisbon, where you can
swell about and, in the slang of the day, " flash your linen," or, to
put it poetically—
Lounge about Lisbon,
Pull up your wristband,
which sounds better than it looks, being in this respect exactly the
contrary of the bagpipes. If ,you are fond of Onions, Portugal is
your place. If not, it isn't. Apropos of Passports, you must have
them here, young lady ; or, if you haven't, you can't stop here,
young lady. In fact, again to quote the poet, Without a Pass-port-
you-gal,yon must pass Purt-you-gal. (Terms for this jeu de mot
easy. We have our agents all over the world, and shall soon know
if you've made use of it without paying. We '11 assess you, if you
like ; for so much a year you can repeat any of the ordinary jokes
on our list. For Reserved Jokes special terms.) Our other quip
about Portugal Street we keep back ; but take this opportunity of
informing our Subscribers that we know of a good thing with refer-
ence to this last.
Oranges will be your next pleasure at Lisbon, and we hope it will
be very suck-cessful.
We will avoid Spain at present, and merely stopping to look
through a glass at the Madeira, and to see the King with his Sweet
at Canary, we recommend the Tourist who has only a few days at
his disposal to cross the Equator as soon as possible.
Method of Crossing the Equator. — You must sail about, if at sea,
and walk about, if on land, until you see one of those numbers
stuck up corresponding exactly to the number marked on the lines in
the map. These numbers have been as carefully and systematically
appointed to their particular spots as have those of the houses in
our London streets. The slightest deviation from, or neglect of,
this advice may lead to consequences which students of the history
of MARCO POLO (the inventor of Hockey on Hacky), FERNANDO Po,
CAPTAIN COOK (whose excursionist system round the world has now
lost none of its first attractions) will best know how to avoid. Off
the coast of Africa, at sea, look out for the Nos. 10 and 30. If on
shore, for No. 20. No. 30, No. 40. You '11 find them first in your
Atlas. All excellent establishments, and equally to be recom-
mended. Perhaps at No. 10 the sea-cooking is a trifle better than
at No. 30, but that is all. The Son of the Sea Cook is the Boots
here and is most attentive. The view on land from No. 20 is
simply lovely. You look along the equator for miles, and, if you
have a room with a Southern aspect, it will be with great difficulty
that you '11 tear yourself away in order to continue your journey.
Should you not patronise any one of these Houses the owners will
be unwilling to render you any assistance, as their season is a very
short one, and their sole means of subsistence are the Summer
Tourists.
Here, where there is a good deal of latitude about, you will be
able to discuss the questions recently raised as to whether KING
AUGUST 17, lt>72.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
73
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY-
A FRAGMENT.
" YES, ROBERT ! BUT 0 ! DO LOOK AT THE EXQUISITE EVENING GLOW ON
TON DISTANT HlLLS ! HOW SOLEMN ! I How SUBLIME III"
"0! STUNNING. WELL, THEN I MEASURED THE SCULLERY: six FEET BT TEN
. . . . THAT'LL JCST DO, WON'T IT!"
DAVID was a Geographist or a University man. in consequence of his so often
singing a Song of Degrees. Of course about this part of tie world there are
several Colonies of Genuine Latitudinarians, and it is supposed that BISHOP
COLENSO must have fallen in with some of them before falling out with others.
After ninety-five the Latitudinarians are called Longitudinanans.
At least four camels, two men, and a boy, are required for Crossing the
Equator. Don't, if at sea, attempt to do it at high tide : wait for the ebb,
which, as the Niggers on the coast will tell you, is " Ebber going on and off.
These niggers, apropos, are of an Ebber-ny colour. (Further jokes about
Ebber-nethy biscuits for luncheon cannot be made unless with our written
permission. We now intend to issue .Tbcular Coupons for Comic Tourists.
Early application. «*. Latest seasonable specimen, warranted first-rate for
Devonshire tourists :- Q. " When dp you get most apples out of an orchard ? "
Ans. "When you make the earliest apple-lication." Entre nous, we've
known a man who was horsewhipped for less than this, but then he hadn't
got his joke-ticket with him signed by us. Baskets of jokes every week, on
sale or return. Spoiled jokes charged for.)
In going across the Equator you'll make a regular pic-nic party of it.
Chafmpagne, sausages of the country, African Port, and Cape Frio Potatoes.
They call the last-named " Potaters " in this part. So the Negrotic Poet
sings —
On the Equator
I ate a Potater.
Gav(e up my Brahma,
Worshipped the Lama.
He gave up his Brahma, of course, at the African Douane, when his locks were
examined, as they always are once a week in these parts, with a small-comb,
brush, and soap and water to match. But this is one of the many witticisms
uttered by those eccentric people the Boshjestmans. [No charge for Bosh-
jestman Jokes.]
From No. 20 on" shore (if you patronise that Equatorial House), you will
have a .magnificent view of La Grande Sahara (you may recollect MLLE.
LEA, the elastic ballet-dancer in London lately ? Some relation-hut
who appears every day at a morning performance
in the afternoon. There's also Try-Polly and Itarkur
(spelt here Tripoli and liarca) in the neighbourhood,
but not to be compared with the Sahara.
Special Adi-ice. — Don't forget Opera-glasses. You can
sit in your own private boxes, wnich you '11 take with
you, and if you 've only got a couple of finger-stalls for
a friend, what more handy ? (Apply as usual to us.)
Here for the present we break off, only, if you pur-
pose going to the East, put off your start until our neit
advices are out, or you '11 make a mess of it.
THE CRY OF THE MANACLED FEMALES.
ABE ye mad, men of stone.
That ye will not make us free ?
Are ye mad, or only glad,
That we pine to skin and bone,
Where no sunshine we can see ?
Still we pant, pant, pant.
For what none of you will grant ;
Still our B-CK-B, C-BBE, and BL-KE,
Do vain battle for our sake,
Since ye doom us here in manacles
Our heavy hearts to break.
Why were we born with tongues ?
What have we to do with lungs?
Must we round, round, round,
Tread an evergoing mill,
Till you 've bound, bound, bound,
At your stolid, stony will,
In the darkness of the blind,
All the strings of woman's mind P
Our W-LK-K and our G-HE-TT
Cannot heal our spirits sore,
Any better than a carrot
Can unbar this prison-door ;
So we grovel on the floor,
And here, in heavy manacles, our
Miseries deplore.
If we 'd not been worth a groat,
Nature's craving for a vote,
Might have died in Woman's throat.
But our lands, lands, lands,
May as good be desert sands,
While ye manacle our hands.
We are helpless captive goods,
And our souls wear mourning hoods
For departed " woulds " and " shoulds."
All our " cans," " shalls" and " wills,"
Are made up in bitter pills.
And ye force us all to swallow them,
To aggravate our ills.
But 0 ! ye men of stone !
Though we sob, sigh, and groan,
Though to-day our wrists are bound,
And we grovel on the ground,
We shall soon shake off these manacles,
At Freedom's joyful sound I
Then, with one united throat,
Will we vote, vote, vote,
And be Advocates and Doctors,
Solicitors and Proctors, —
Be Civil Engineers,
College Dons, and Overseers,
Have our proper House of Peers,
Be Ministers and Pastors,
And Governors and Masters,
Be Rural Deans and Rectors,
Be Churchwardens, Inspectors,
And Income-tax collectors.
Be pure un-" broken lights,"
For C-BBE and for our rights !
Anatomists, reviewers,
Commissioners of Sewers,
And Justices of Peace !
Then, your tyranny will cease :
So if you dream we 're manacled
For ever— you are Geese !
The Three Orders.
Tin: Standing Orders are Parliamentary ; the Sitting
Orders, Theatrical ; and the Kneeling Orders, Monastic.
74
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 17, 1872.
EQUAL TO THE OCCASION.
Colonel (Indian Army). "YES, SIR, I WITHDRAW MY APPLICATION FOR THE PENSION', AND MUST REMAIN IN THE SERVICE.
EXPENSES ABB INCREASING so OVER HERE : COALS HAVE GONE UP FROM TWENTY SHILLINGS TO THIRTY-SIX SHILLINGS SINCE I WROTE.
You SEK, WE DON'T WANT COALS IN BENGAL."
Secretary (India Office). "PRICE o' COALS 1 TUT-T-T-T! DEAR ME I THIS WILL UPSET ALL OUR RETIREMENT SCHEMES II"
Mr. P. (an old friend of the Colonel's). " I THINK His GRACE MIGHT RAISE THE PENSIONS OF THESE GESTLBMBN. NAME IT TO HIM
FROM ME, MR. SECRETARY, WILL YOU, PLEASE ? " [Exeunt.
WELCOME VACATION !
THE QUEEN'S Speech is spoken, the Session is o'er ;
Now are lightened the newspaper sheets of a bore,
Bad enough, when confined to mere columns of prate ;
Worse now statutes vexatious ensue on debate.
For six months safe from further encroachment will be
All the personal rights of us Britons, once free.
But fresh bonds will, of course, in the pending recess,
Be devised, with restrictions the People to bless.
Sabbatarian fanatics, and Knights of the Pump,
Through the kingdom forthwith you '11 proceed on the stump ;
And the nation prepare, all by spouting you can,
To submit to new trammels unmeet for a man.
And when, this time next year, the talkative House
Shall, again, broken up, have gone after the grouse,
We shall find ourselves, sure, of more liberties reft.
Hooray ! We'll, meanwhile, enjoy those that are left.
Iron Afloat.
IN Colburn's United Sen-ice Journal there is an article which will
interest naval men and architects on mastless " sea-going iron-clads."
Truly iron-clads need be mastless. since, if they carry masts and like-
wise sails, under a little too much canvas your sea-going, so-called,
are likely to become bottom-going iron-clads.
MOTTO FOE THIS LAST GAMBLING YEAE AT HOMBTTBG, EMS, &c.
-Tabulce Solvuntur.
ROMAN AQUATICS.
THE Post announces that " the Tiber Boat Club has admitted
many new and distinguished members." Is the Tiber Boat Club a
modern institution ? It seems too fast for the ancient order of things
in Rome. Perhaps we shall soon hear of other such Clubs pulling
on the yellow river. Among them it may be suggested that one
might take for title the " Romulus Club," and then another would
perhaps be started under that of the " Remus Club," whereupon a
third lot of oarsmen, affecting Latin Grammar, might establish a
Boating Club denominated the " Remis."
Irish Self-Government.
Is it Home Rule ye want, uncontentable Pat P
Why, were you to obtain, you 'd rebel against that.
Ye 're the boy that 'ud always be keeping the school
In a shindy ; Home Anarchy Paddy's Home Rule.
Bradshaw and Spritualists.
MEDIUMS, who profess to obtain correct information from tables,
have been entirely baffled by the Railway Time Tables. , They have
tried them, and found that they don't answer.
NOW AND THEN.
THE office of Chief Commissioner of Works was once filled by
MANNERS. It is not now.
Printed bj Jo.pph Smith, of No. J4, Holford Square, in the ParUh of St. Jam™, rierken well , in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing offlcw of Maura. Bradbury, Eyani, « Co., Lombard
btreet, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. W, Fleet Street, in the Parish of dt. Bride, City of Londoui— S*TU»DAT, August 1*, 1972.
AUGCST 24, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(It.
MAKING THINGS PLEASANT.
Irishman (to English Sportsman). "Is IT THROUTS t BB JABKBS, THE
WATTHBR'S STIFF wn> 'EM III"
["Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous desire to please,"
as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank day.
SYMPATHY OF KIND.
THE Daily News thus records certain recent outbursts
of popular sympathy : —
" THE CLAIMANT AT LEICESTER. — Last evening the Claim-
ant, who is to (peak to-day at an out-door demonstration of
Foresters at Loughborough, arrived at Leicester from London.
He was met by a deputation from Loughborough, and on entering
the stable-yard was received with much cheering by a large con-
course of people. He drove oil' with his friends in a waggonette
drawn by greys, with postilions, to the White Hart Hotel. The
Claimant afterwards started for Loughborough, and a crowd of
10,000 persons assembled to see him depart, and cheered him
lustily to the outskirts of the town. Similar demonstrations
took place at various points on the route, and at Loughborough
almost the entire populace turned out to meet the visitor."
"Populace," observe, not "population." The Daily
News has a keenly discriminating paragraph-writer. It
was doubtless also the populace, as contradistinguished
from the population, that constituted the " large con-
course of people " by whom CASTRO was received, with
" immense cheering," at Leicester. We may be o.uite
sure that if they had not, in their own minds, believed
him really to be CASTRO, as he called himself, or. if not
CASTRO, then to be ORION, or if not ORION, still to be
such another as ORION, and no bloated aristocrat, at
least no aristocrat, either by birth or breeding, and par-
ticularly not the aristocrat he claims to be, they would
never have cheered him.
The Times, however, hag given our fat enemy the
hardest rap. It apprises him, through his friend, MR.
ONSLOW, that it will report nothing more about " the
Claimant " until the time comes to report " the Claim-
ant's " Trial. Punch is not surprised at this, considering
that MESSRS. ONSLOW and WIIALLKY have not contra-
dicted the statement, in a respectable Hampshire paper,
that they were present at a meeting at wnich CASTRO
used, in reference to one of Her Majesty's Ministers,
language BO vile that the reporter had to veil it with the
aid of initials and dashes. It is still open to MKSSKS.
O. and W. to say that they indignantly protested, and
left the place. But will they say it ?
Bottle and Blue.
THE Teetotallers having in a measure succeeded in
their attack on the vested interests of the Publicans,
the Vegetarians will soon perhaps threaten those of
the Butchers, which may, for the sake of elegance and
distinction, be denominated the Blue Vested Interests.
HYMEN AND LOW MEN.
THE fashionable newspapers are continually sacrificing column
after column of their valuable space to the duty of recording vastly
fashionable marriages, whereof no doubt the details are devoured
with great avidity by the fashionable world.
Now these details may be interesting to fashionable people, but to
persons not so fortunate thi>y must be slightly tiresome. To readers
who, for instance, reside in the New Cut, there can hardly be much
interest in reading the description of a marriage in May Fair. At.
any rate, if merely for the purpose of variety, we should rejoice if
the reporters would now and then describe an unfashionable wed-
ding. Something in this style : —
MARRIAGE IN Low LIFE. — The wedding of Miss BUGGINS, eldest
child and heiress of MR. JOSEPH BUOGINS, Bag and Bottle Merchant,
Houndsditch, to MR. MICHAEL MUGGINS, Chimneysweep, White-
chapel, was solemnised on Tuesday last at Little Ebenezer Chapel,
which we need not say was crowded, wellnigh to overflowing, with
the flower and elite of the unfashionable world. The nuptial cere-
mony was performed, in a most impressive manner, by the REVEREND
MOSES BENJAMIN BOANERGES HOWLEK, second cousin of the bride-
groom, assisted by his pew-opener, MRS. MASTHA MOULDIE, a great-
aunt of the bride.
It had been intended that a full choral service should be given,
but the bellows-blower of the organ was unfortunately absent upon
urgent private business connected with the coal-trade ; and as Miss
SCREECH, the leading vocalist, was in bed with influenza, the music
was confined to the whistling of the small boys assembled in the
street.
After the service, which was nasally intoned, the happy couple
proceeded in a Hansom to the residence of MR. BUGGINS, where a
sumptuous dejeuner of sausages and onions, flanked with chitterlings
and crumpets, was elegantly served. Ample justice having been
done to this luxurious repast, MR. JOWLS, in a neat speech, pro-
posed a bumper of Old Tom to the health of the young couple, and
the bridegroom made a feeble oratorical response. A toast to the
fair bridesmaid, Miss JEMIMA BUGGINS, having been proposed, and
humorously acknowledged by Ma. LAKKEK, her young man. the
bride, attended by the ladies, retired to put her things on, and her
trousseau was inspected privately by her bosom friends. Among
the beautiful and costly wedding presents she received, special
mention should be made of an elegant brass warming-pan, the gift
of MR. MUGGINS, and a toasting-fork and pair of bellows, from
MBS. HciiciiNs her great-aunt. Amid a shower of old shoes, the
happy couple then proceeded on an omnibus to Hampstead, for the
purpose of enjoying a short donkey excursion on the Heath,
important calls of business compelling them reluctantly to give up
all idea of a more lengthened wedding tour.
LITERARY PROSPECTS.
WE are told that nothing succeeds like success: and we may
therefore, we think, venture, without fear of contradiction, to
assume that these new works, whenever they are published, will be
doubtless as successful as those which they succeed : —
Fettered at First : a Story written as a prelude to Linked at Last.
To-morrows with Artists : to be published as a companion work
to Yesterdays with Authors.
The Worth of Waterlilies : a novel written as a sequel to The
Valley of Poppies.
Iron Locks and Brazen Handles : a domestic Tale of Thrilling
Interest, to follow Golden Keys.
Rich Master Sparrow : a new Sensation Story, but not written
by the Author of Poor Miss Finch.
The Biq Toe of Destiny : a Tale of Eastern Travel, published as
a companion to The Finger of Fate.
Slugs in the Salad : a Domestic Story, adapted for the readers of
Poppies in the Corn.
VOL. us in.
76
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1872.
MANLY WOMAN.
URLINCTON ARCADElIf
OKTHT AND SATIENT^Ma. PUNCH,
Yorjy who notice everything, have doubtless
noticed how of late Lovely Woman has been
pleased to ape— but that sounds monkeyish, let
me rather say to imitate the ugly dress of Man.
Coats, waistcoats, jackets, neckties, wristbands, shirt-collars, and
shirt-fronts, may all be now described as articles of feminine cos-
tume ; and suoh description might proceed even further in the matter,
and descend to certain garments, such as gaiters for example, which
hitherto have been designed for solely Man's own use. If one
glances at the latest fashions in the newspapers, one sees the fact
confirmed by such sentences as these : —
" Bonnets are now worn more like hats than ever, in fact it is very difficult
to tell them apart." . . . " These fashionable jackets are generally trimmed
across the chest with brandebourgs and frog buttons." ..." Very elegant
little restes are worn over indoor toilettes." ..." For visiting dress, a
mongquetaire jacket, open to the waist and trimmed to match, over a claret
satin waistcoat."
Fragments such as these will show how manly Lovely Woman is
becoming in her dress, and to a thinking mind the fact is not with-
out significance. We have heard much goose-gabble of late — or
swaa-'song shall I call it? — respecting Woman's Ilights, and I look
upon her growing manliness of raiment as a step in the direction, of
her standing in Man's shoes. By accustoming us generally to behold
her in our garments, she hopes to make us reconciled to see her in
our place. Who knows but next Session she may leave the Ladies'
Gallery, and creep into the House, and sit among our Senators, and
even walk into the lobby, undetected, and disguised in her mascu-
line attire ? Assuredly, now that the Ballot Bill is passed, a strict
watch should be kept at all the polling-places, to guard against im-
personation of male voters by their wives ; for ladies in the fashion
dress so vastly like their husbands, that it is perplexing to tell
quickly which is which.
Believe me, then, in some alarm, CAVENDO TUTUS.
AN ANTI-ANTI ASSOCIATION.
THE British Association for the Advancement of Science is a
conf nderacy perfectly harmless. So likewise are the Archaeological
Societies ; so are the sages and sagesses who constitute the Social
Science Congress: so are most of the various gatherings of pro-
fessors and philosophers and praters now taking place, as they are
wont to at this leisure time of the year, under the influence of the
propensity to speak and the love of lecturing and being lectured,
But, as BUBKE remarked, " When bad men combine, good men
should unite." The Vacation affords opportunity for meetings
which are other than harmless. Fanatics and fools can meet as
well as philosophers. Their congregations are offensive. Some of
them, especially odious, are essentially conspiracies against personal
freedom ; for instance, all assemblies of the United Kingdom Alli-
ance, and all other leagues for the legislative enforcement of total
abstinence ; the Anti-Tobacco Society, and all the rest of the com-
binations for tutoring grown persons like children and coercing
them like idiots. When prigs and pedants combine to enslave the
nation, all reasonable men should unite to put down the pedants
and prigs. If they do not unite, the fussy, importunate, agitating
meddlers will go on as they have begun encroaching on the liberties
of Britain faster than the sea encroaches on its cliffs. The Sea is
entreated to excuse a comparison which is most odious. Neptune
would repudiate with scorn the foes of Bacchus.
To the Societies, therefore, which, on the dispersion of the Legis-
lature are accustomed yearly to hold their self-convoked parlia-
ments, it is very desirable that there should be added an Anti-
Fanatic Society, with the special object of opposing, and counteracting,
and making of none effect and of no avail, all the operations of
almost all the other Societies whose name is Anti, and, since they
infest us so atrociously, we may with propriety say, after the
Reporters, " whose name is Legion."
Only the Anti-Fanatic Society should do more, a great deal, than
talk. It should meet to work, and take counsel how to devise ways
and means to frustrate the machinations of the prigs and pedants,
and would-be regulators of other men's habits and appetites, to
pester the people into permitting their necks to be laden with the
yoke of paternal government. Amongst the measures desirable for
that purpose may be suggested the taking of order for the composi-
tion of songs and ballads to be sung about the streets for the purpose
of bringing fanatical bores into contempt and ridicule amongst the
common people, who will not attend to, because they cannot under-
stand, merely argumentative exposures of folly and injustice, but
whose votes determine elections. Illustrated lampaons, and squibs,
calculated to effect the same end, might also be provided for ;
rewards, for instance, or prizes offered for the best : and above all
the proper steps should be taken to confute fanaticism and humbug,
and promote morality and enlightenment into the bargain, by jthe
widest possible distribution of Punch.
" CEOWNEE'S QUEST LAW."
Air unfortunate gentleman at Baling, under treatment for fits,
jumped out of his bed-room window the other day in a state of
delirium, fell through a conservatory and glass door into the area
of the next house, and sustained fatal injuries. Before he died,
however, he recovered consciousness enough to say that he thought,
when he jumped through the window, he was at Ramsgate in a
bathing-machine, and that he was jumping into the water. An
inquest after death having been held on the residue of this poor
fellow by Dfi. DIPLOCK, the coroner's jury — according to report —
returned a verdict — "That the deceased died from injuries caused
by a fall, which was accidental, whilst he was in an unsound state
of mind."
The Gentlemen of the Jury, if their verdict is to be understood
according to its grammar, may have meant to say that the deceased,
whilst he was in an unsound state of mind, died in consequence of
injuries caused by a fall, which was accidental. Or they may have
meant to say that he died from injuries caused by a fall which hap-
pened to him accidentally whilst he was in an unsound state of
mind. Taken in the former meaning, the part of their verdict
relative to his state of mind is mere surplusage ; in the latter sense
it simply states what was not the case. Nobody meets with an
accidental fall in jumping out of window, whether purposely or
under a delusion. " It must be se offendendo ; it cannot be else,"
as the First Gravedigger in Hamlet argues. But perhaps the
Baling Jury were induced to return a verdict at variance with fact
by building too much on the further proposition of the reasoner
above referred to, " If I drown myself wittingly it argues an act."
Conversely, if I drown myself unwittingly, it may argue an acci-
dent. But if you jump out of window whilst you dream you are
jumping into the water, although you do not wittingly jump out of
window, yet you wittingly jump. You must take your jump alto-
gether unwittingly for it to argue an accident. But such an acci-
dent is an accidental act, describable as a leap which was accidental,
not as a fall. A verdict stating that a person died in consequence
of a fall, which was accidental, conveys the idea that, no matter
whether he died sane or insane, his fall was a mere tumble ; and
although a jump during an unsound state of mind and a tumble
amount to the same thing morally, yet the one act in its physical
nature is discriminated from the other by intelligence ; but coroners'
juries will be coroners' juries. They might be worse. The phrase-
ology of their verdicts might be as ambiguous and disputable, or
even as senseless, as that of many Acts of Parliament.
A DEADLY DISCHAHGE. — A " Whalley " of Nonsense.
AUGUST 24, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
77
DR. LIVINGSTONE TO DR. PUNCH.
(Private and Cunfidential.)
HBICE DEAH OLD FBIESD
AMI CHAMPION,
STANLEY is an
excellent fellow, a real
good plucked 'nn, and
you are to make much of
him, while he '» with you,
for his own sake, as well
as mine.
But now mark this. I
do strongly protest against
any more expeditions be-
ing sent out to look after
me.
I have said that my
anxious friends evince " a
beastly ignorance of geo-
graphy." But that's their
business. I beg to state
that I can take precious
good care of myself, and
am more than comfort-
able where I am. I may
say I live in luxurious
ease, free and untaxed.
I am monarch of all I
survey, and the country
is amply lovely. Don't
make any blooming error,
my dear old P., this is nut a desert, or anything resembling one. Here there is no dull care
to drive away, and all is happiness unclouded. But my point is this, why shouldn't I be
allowed to enjoy myself, and take my own time about it, without being tracked, and dogged,
and hunted for, like a sovereign in a dust-bin, and perhaps finally fetched back by some
enterprising compatriots (hang them!}, as if I was a naughty child out for a holiday for
whom its nurse had come at last ?
What's their object? Curiosity? Well, that 's unpardonable in my opinion : bnt when
its result is their own gain, to write articles about me, to give entertainments with, perhaps,
sketches of me and the views of the country, and to pocket a heap of coin by making
capital out of me, of which coin I shall
never see one rap, why then, my dear P., I
say such conduct is more than unpardon-
able, it ought to be punishable by civilised
laws.
Let the next intending Livingstone-
searcher take this notice from me : — " A«"A
out, what yvu're about, my friend; they
don't know much about COKE and BUCK-
STONE and the glorious British Constitution
out here (except my own glorious British
constitution, and I'm hale and hearty),
but they tio know something about ILnbeux
corpus, and when the Niggers in these parts
once l«i>inii a cnrmu, that carpus won t see
dear Old England again in a hurry."
I am going to stick up a Notice to Trts-
ptuicri. I'll write to you, dear old J'.,
again, some time or other, and send you my
song of —
" The Sources of the Nile :
I was there all the while,"
on which you can exercise your jovial
vocalisation. Love to STAN LK v. Protit.
Yours ever, D. L.
Whistlebinkie.
A RECENTLY enacted Statute has made it
illegal to summon workmen to their work
in a Factory by sounding a Steam Whistle
or Trumpet, and renders any offender con-
victed of making the noise which it forbids
liable to a penalty not exceeding £5. This
Act is not to extend to Scotland. Mo, to be
sure. An Englishman, North of the Tweed,
would find steam- whistles and trumpets a
relief from the bagpipes.
SOLEMN SENSE OE NONSENSE?
THE ABCHBISHOPS OF CANTEHBTJRY and YOBK have returned a
reply to the Memorial on the subject of " Athanasius's Curse," pre-
sented to them on the part of certain of the laity by the EAIU. OF
SHAFTISBTTRY. "It is a loving and a fair reply." Their Most
Reverend Graces quote therein a method of settling the difficulty
presented by the maledictory clauses of the otherwise chiefly unin-
telligible Symbol which delights ABCIIDEACON DENISON. This
plan was proposed by the Ritual Commission, " which has recom-
mended an explanatory rubric to this effect " : —
" The condemnations in this Confession of Faith are to be no otherwise
understood than as a solemn warning of the peril of thuse who wiif ully reject
the Catholic Faith."
The Archbishops also cite an "explanatory statement" suggested
for the same purpose with the concurrence or "all the Professors of
Divinity in the University of Oxford," including DR. PUSEY and
DR. LIDDON. These great theological Authorities have unanimously
resolved : —
"That nothing in this Creed is to be understood ai condemning those who
by involuntary ignorance or invincible prejudice are hindered from accepting
the faith thus declared."
There is, however, the Metropolitans find, a very general impres-
sion " that none of these explanations would suit the requirements
of the case." We should rather think so. How is it possible, do
the Ritual Commissioners imagine, for anybody wilfully to reject
the Catholic Faith, even if he is an Irishman of the (unfaithful)
Irish ? How can one wilfully reject the belief of what he knows
to be true, and what other rejection of belief can be wilful ? Surely
wilful rejection of faith is impossible even for the most erratic of
St. Patrick's stray sheep. By what other causes than involuntary
ignorance, or prejudice necessarily invincible, do the Oxford Pro-
fessors suppose that any man can possibly be hindered from accept-
ing a faith delivered in terms which nobody understands ? By the
knowledge that it is a fiction or a forgery, or by intellectual discern-
ment that it is nonsense ? Their Reverences surely cannot mean to
reduce the Creed, whose defenders they are, to an absurdity. On
the whole it appears that, whether in or out of Church, the less that
is said about the Athanasian Creed the better, particularly during
the Dog Days. Unless indeed the remark may be added that
ATHANASITJS, although in his time the reverse of a "dumb dog,"
seems likely to subside into the position of a dog that has had his
day.
THE THAMES AND ITS URBAN-TRIBUTARIES.
FROM various letters in the Times under the superscription of
".The Silver Thames," it may be known to those whom it may not
concern that the River so misnamed is, so much of it as runs between
Kt-w and Teddington, little better than an open sewer. Those whom
it does concern know that too well ; you may correctly say. indeed,
that they nose it ; for a cup of the fluid purveyed by the cleanliest
of the water- companies being raised to the lips will be found to have
not been quite, by the best filtration, deodorised. And a walk from Kew
to Richmond, and so up, by the margin of the Thames, facetiously or
absurdly called Silver, for on the contrary its hue is rather that of
Vandyke Brown, will convince the most insensitive of the character of
the stream to which tributaries from towns have imparted colouring
and odorous particles, nutritious to plants, but noxious to persons.
The Conservators of the Thames are called in question because the
water, whose conservation is their business, is so different, as it may
be discerned by the nostrils to be, from conserve of roses. But
they cannot hang the Vestrymen and Town Councillors who, with
their constituents, occasion the tarnished and graveolent condition
of the Thames, once sweet and silver. The only result of going to
Law or to Equity with those offenders on that account would be the
j gratuitous enrichment of the gentlemen of the long robe and the
i blue bag. A special Act of Parliament is needed for the conserva-
tion of the Thames from pollution. A word from a deputation to
MR. A YKTON, whose enthusiasm on behalf of limpid streams is noto-
rious, of course will suffice to secure the immediate introduction of
the needful Bill, under the auspices of a Government whose Premier
and Chancellor of the Exchequer have already done so much as MB.
GLADSTONE and MB. LOWE have to make everything pleasant.
The Vestures of the Sky.
A YOUWG Lady said she should so like to go up in a balloon. She
wished very much to get above the clouds and look down. It most
be so pretty. She had heard that even the darkest cloud had a
silver lining.
78
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
[AUGUST 24, 1872.
SOME PEOPLE NEVER CAN MAKE UP THEIR MINDS-
ESPECIALLY ABOUT DOING A THING THEY DON'T LIKE.
Practical Wife. " WELL, JOHN I HBBE WE ABE AT LAST, YOU SEE ! CHILDREN, LUQGAGE, AND ALL !— Now WHICH is IT TO BE ?
THE RHINE, DIEPPE, OB BAHSOATE 1 "
THE SIRLOIN SUPERSEDED.
ONCE mighty roast beef was the Englishman's food.
It has now grown so dear that 'tis nearly tabooed.
But Australian beef, potted, is cheap and is good.
0, the boiled beef of Australia !
And 0, the Australian boiled beef !
It is capital cold ; it is excellent hot ;
And, if a large number of children you've got,
'Twill greatly assist you in boiling the pot.
0, the boiled beef, &c.
First-rate is Australian mutton, likewise,
For curries, and rissoles, and puddings, and pies.
The thrifty good housewife no butcher's meat buys.
0, the boiled beef, &o.
It will make you a hash that is fit for a king ;
And the young ones all like it, and that 's a great thing.
So Paterfamilias it causes to sing
0, the boiled beef, &c.
For the small boys and girls eat the fat with the lean,
Don't leave underdone, but their plates nicely clean —
Where pigs are not kept which helps make all serene.
0, the boiled beef, &o.
Australian meat from the bone being free,
The more economical needs must it be.
As there are no joints there 'a no carving, you'see.
0, the boiled beef, &c.
The fleshpots of Egypt were once in high fame ;
Australian fleshpots have more than the same.
Old England's roast beef is now rivalled in name.
0, the boiled beef, &e.
The privileged victims, who Income-tax pay,
Whose earnings precarious are taken away,
While ceasing to deal with a Butcher, can say
0, the boiled beef, &c.
'Tis true that your servants, fastidious and fine,
Australian meat in their folly decline.
On skilligolee they hereafter may dine.
0, the boiled beef, &c.
Now pour out the wine which we could not afford
Except for Antipodes' meat on the board.
Its inventor's good health !— whilst my helping 's encored.
0, the boiled beef, &c.
The Idea of an Ogre.
WHILST our Legislators were making laws against horrid noises,
they might have rendered any person indictable for keeping a
Nursery of Squalling Children. Infants should be kept in a
detached dwelling, at a sufficient distance from the abodes of adult
humanity. Or else the walls of a nursery should be padded, and its
inmates effectually dosed with MRS. JOHNSON'S American Soothing
Syrup, DAFFY'S Elixir, or DALEY'S Carminative ; neglect of these
sanitary precautions to incur a heavy fine. This would be another
step in Paternal, if not in Maternal Legislation.
SHAKSPEAHE IN SEASON.
" 0, MY sweet Beef," says Prince Harry to Falstaff, " I must
still be good angel to thee! " Had Henry IV. been composed in
these fine times for butchers, SHAKSPEA.BE would have written the
above passage with a difference. It would have been, " 0, my dear
Beef ! " of course.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— AUGUST 24, 1872.
PONTEFRACT
CHILDEKS 658
POLUXCTON 57S,
BALLOT
ELECTION
A GOOD BEGINNING;
OR, LITTLE BOY BALLOT'S FIRST STEP IN LIFE.
SUCCESSFITL CANDIDATE. " HE MAY XOT BE PRETTY TO LOOK AT, DEAR MADAM, AND HE MAY BE ' SLOW ; '
BUT HE'S A TREMENDOUS SUCCESS, I ASSURE YOU!"
[See Ma. CHILDEBS' Speech at Pontefract.
AUGUST 24, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
81
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
THE Steward now
comes round to ask
who '11 dine. I no-
tice that a Steward
is always on excel-
lent terms with a
Captain, and a Cap-
tain with the Stew-
ard. On considera-
tion I see that a
Captain can pretty
well ruin a Steward,
and a Steward can
make a Captain very
uncomfortable. If
the Steward profits
by the number of
people who sit down
to dinner and tea
in the cabin, the
Captain has only got
to say that he is
sure it'll be a bad
passage, and hardly
anyone will either
dina or sup. Cer-
tainly not sup. If
the Captain, mali-
ciously, did this,
then the Steward
would, spitefully,
give him lukewarm
dinners, tough meat,
bad fish, sour wine,
and watered grog.
So the management
of a well-regulated
family -vessel re-
duces itself to— Happy Thought (by the Captain).— Be polite to the
Steward, and tell everyone that it's sure to oe a fine passage.
Happy Thought (by the Steward").— Be very civil to the Captain.
Reserve tit-bits, and private store of grog.
More Questions invariably put to the Captain by Passengers : —
Has he (the Captain) had bad weather lately, or good ? Have
there been many passengers ? Will there be many passengers ?
At what time shall we be in the Scheldt ?
(This is a question by a sociable person.) "Will he (the Captain)
take anything;? if so, what ?
People are now beginning to appear in all sorts of caps and easy
hats, and are trying to look, generally, as unlike themselves on shore
as possible. We are ceasing to be strangers to one another, and
feel a growing desire to be politely inquiring, civilly communicative,
and, later on, specially if it 's a fine night, quite confidential.
The Northern Farmer is explaining the river to his daughter.
Other people are retailing "what the Captain says" to those who
didn't hear him. MII,HI iu>, inquires, " Does the Pilot come on board
at Gravesend ? "
I understand, from the Captain's answer, that he does.
Happy Thought. — Do more softening down with the Captain,
because MILBUBD'S manner is really calculated to convey the idea
that he knows more of steamboat management than the Captain.
I say, sympathetically, " Youra is a very arduous and responsible
position, Captain."
MILBCRD cuts in with, "Well, I think you've an uncommonly
jolly berth of it. There and back, twice a week, board and lodging.
You get a pilot for the Thames— he's responsible for that ; yon get
another for the sea — he 's responsible for that ; and another beggar
comes on at the mouth of the Scheldt, and he 's responsible for you
up to Antwerp. I don't see what they want a First Officer at all
forP"
The Captain smiles. MILBITRD continues, in an off-hand manner,
" By the way, I 've just been down in the engine-room, talking to
the old boy there, and I see you don't use Mervyn's Patent. That 's
odd, eh?"
The Captain shrugs his shoulders indifferently, and presently says
that this patent has been superseded. " By what P " asks MJLBTOD,
really inquisitorially. "By Benker's Double-Action," replies the
Captain, decidedly. MILBUBD turns to me, pooh-poohing the use of
Benker's Patent. " Why," he says to me, as if I was the referee
who had to decide between Mervyn's Patent and Benker's Double-
Action, " that was dropped years ago. Yon can't," still explaining
to me, and at the Captain, which I don't like, "use the same leverage,
nor work at anything like the same rate. I suppose," he says, in a
tone of cross-examination, most irritating, it must be, to a man on
bis own vessel, " you don't do four hundred and twenty in the
hourP"
The Captain laughs. " Four hundred and twenty ? " he repeats.
"More like six hundred and thirty." MILBURD being evidently
unprepared for this, is staggered, and for the moment silent.
Happy Thought.— Glad of it. " What on earth should you know
of engineering?" I say to him, just to expose him before the
Captain.
" Why," he answer*, " I ought to. considering I was at BUSTE
AND BYLEH'S studying engineering for two years." 0 ! indeed, I
was not aware of this. MILHCRD now wants to know whether the
Captain uses the cylindrical expander movement ? No, the Company
has not adopted it. "Good Heavens!" says MILBUKD, turning to
me again as judicial referee, " It's a perfect wonder the boiler
hasn't burst over and over again," He goes on to explain to me
that with, or without, the invention (I don't know which) you can't
ease off at half the pace. This the Captain denies. He says, " See
my men ease off in one minute."
MiuiCKD doubts it, and smiles incredulously towards me. I wish
he wouldn't, as it must make the Captain think that I'v» been
prompting him to ask all this on my account. The Captain, in
consequence, begins to eye me askance. A Bell.
Happy Thought.— Mister Dinner.
At Dinner. — My Aunt next to the MILWBDS. Don't like
sitting too near or being at any time too near a funny man, because
it is as nervous work as holding a Roman candle, or a squib, when
you never can tell how soon the pop 's coming, and whether it won't
hurt you considerably when it dues come. There 's only one thing
perfectly certain that the audience will be amused, and the firework
will be immensely pleased with himself and will consider himself
the most brilliant thing of the sort ever seen. A quiet and reserved
manner and an evinced desire to speak seriously on weighty topics
are no defence against the onslaughts of a Funny Man and Practical
Joker. The two descriptions, by the way, sound like the advertise-
ment of a new sort of business, " Licensed Funny Man and General
Practical Joker." It really is a pity that the official Court Jester
and Lord Mayor's Fool should have been abolished. There would
be at once the utilisation of jocosity. Of course in these days,
following the fashion of the times, the appointment to such an
office would not be by private patronage and interest, but by public
competitive examination.
Happy Thought.— Have the Examination Day every First of
April.
Foolery would then be a study. The Fool of the Family would
stand a fair chance of a good berth. Great noblemen used to keep
private fools as well as private secretaries. The offices were gradually
merged into one.
Happy Thought.— Reserve this idea for a sarcastic repartee to
come down on MILBTTRD heavily when he 's making a joke at my
expense. Shall say to him before company, " It's a pity the office
of Lord Mayor's Fool is abolished, as yon would have rilled the
situation admirably, MILBPRD."
I don't see (at present) what reply he could make to this. But,
won't his wife hate me for it V Won't the people about say " it was
rather rude " ? Wouldn't it be better to put up with MILBURD
patiently rather than put him down forcibly? If this sarcasm about
the Lord Mayor's Fool won't settle him nothing ever will, and I
should never have the chance again. The highest praise that
MILBURD can give one is, after he's been peculiarly, what he calls
funny, and what I call rude, to slap you on the back and say. good- (
humouredly, "You don't mind chaff, do you, old fellow P" when '
you at once feel that it 's childish to admit that you do not only
mind but detest it, and that you are now writhing mentally from his
dosing you with it. He will say before several persons, alluding to
me, that " he likes a fellow who can take a joke good-naturedly
like you can, old boy." Then he gives yon a dig in the ribs which
positively hurts, ana you must either laugh or kick him. I should
like to do the latter— so I believe would many others— but we only
smile.
Happy Thought. — Keep out of his way. I beg_ my Aunt, totto '
run; not to encourage MILBUHD. as she is really doing nothing now
but listening to his nonsense and laughing. " Well, my dear," she
answers, a little nettled, "he's very amusing, and you know that
there are in society witty people who are considered as liverpriged
persons " (Dixon's Johnsonary for " privileged persons "). Here she
gets hurried, and lets all she has to say come out with a rush. I
" Why, I perfectly featherlect my rather'' (" recollect my father "
— D. J.) telling me how he merembered stories about such people as
Silly Cobber and Hookadore Theer— and— and— " gaso, and sudden
finish— "they were always saying cittiwisms." (This, translated
by Dixon's Johnsonary, means, " 1 recollect my father, Ac., how he
remembered, &o., COLLET CIHBEB and THKODOKE HOOK, &c.," and
" witticisms.")
82
PUNCH, Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1872.
HEIGHT OF LUXURY.
"LOB ! MAKY ANNS ! Do YOUR MISSIS LET YOU 'AVK A 'DOLLY VAKDING?"
A MATTER OF MAGNA CHARTA.
FBOM a speech delivered shortly before the Prorogation by the
SOLICITOH-GENEKAL it may be inferred there is very little prospect
at the hands of Government of Law Reform. Besides, Law Reform
is not demanded by menacing assemblies of working-men. It will
inflict little if any hardship, annoyance, or inconvenience on indi-
viduals who cannot help themselves, it will please and not vex the
refined and better educated classes, and it will benefit instead of
injuring the owners of land. Nor will it effect any direct national
saving. No Law Reform, therefore, is to be expected of the
Cabinet whose Chief is the People's WILLIAM, and one of whose
influential members is ME. LOWE. Except, however, of course, any
point of detail in which the interests of the People are, sensibly and
intelligibly to the People, concerned. Such a point is the state of
the law as regards drunkenness, wherein a change is likely to be
demanded in consequence of that grand achievement of large-
minded statesmanship, the Licensing, or Intoxicating Liquors Act,
just added to the Statute Book. The fines to which drunkards used
to render themselves liable have been considerably raised. A pro-
gressive increase of severity in the punishment of drunkenness is
probable. Should imprisonment with hard labour fail to check that
vice, its penalty will very likely be heightened to penal servitude.
But then it will be necessary to respect the declaration of Magna
Charta: —
"Nullus liber homo capiatur aut imprisonetur aut dissaisiatur aut utla-
gctur aut exuletur aut aliquomodo destruatur nee supra eum ibimua nee
super eum mittemus nisi per legale judicium parium suorum vel per legem
terra Nulli vendemua nulk negabimus ac differemus rectum aut juatieiam."
It will never do, when drunkenness has come to be treated as an
offence worse than any but the very gravest misdemeanor, or per-
haps treated as a felony but one degree below a capital crime, to let
it remain punishable on summary conviction. The charge of intoxi-
cation will have become too serious to be capable of being suffered
to be decided by a Magistrate on the evidence of a Policeman. It
will be necessary that every man accused of drunkenness shall be
tried by a jury of his peers. " Nullus liber homo capiatur aut im-
prisonetur, &c., as Magna Charta says. It is perhaps unnecessary
to observe that, homo being a noun of common gender, Man in
Magna Charta means also Woman. Mrs. Srandyball was the im-
possible fiction of a satirist, and no biped female was ever in the
condition of the adagial David's Sow. Liber homo charters every
free Englishwoman, however, as well as every English freeman,
and it is remarkable, in connection with Magna Charta and intoxi-
cation, that Liber is one of the aliases of Bacchus.
NEW COUNTY.
THE question of education has not been taken up'an hour too soon
in this dilatory country. Ignorance of the physical conformation of
Central Asia, or of the Republics of South America, has become too
common amongst us to excite the least emotion of surprise ; but
some slight acquaintance with the rudiments of the geography of the
United Kingdom might have been looked for, even in those classes
which are indebted for their education to our Universities and
Public Schools. It seems, however, that such a meagre amount of
knowledge as this is not so common as we had hoped ; else an
advertiser, with a West End Club for his address, and a hundred
thousand pounds to lay out in the purchase of an estate, " with good
shooting, fishing, and well-built residence," would not have made
known that he wants it "in the Counties of Norfolk, Hants, or
Scotland."
Sensitive Scotchmen must not take umbrage at their country being
ranked as a mere English county. No slight, we feel sure, wag
intended on the part of the Advertiser,' who is, probably, to this
moment ignorant that he has done anything to breed ill-will between
the Rose and the Thistle.
RACING INTELLIGENCE. — " Not square the circle ? " exclaimed my
LoKD TOM NODDY, after lunch at Goodwood, "Why, a ring's a
circle, isn't it ? Well, then, take the betting-ring, and I 'fl bet
ten to two that anyone can ' square ' it."
AUGUST 24, 1872.)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
83
UNCO' QUID!
THERE can be no doubt that many thousands of
jersons, for whom the movements of Princes and Counts
assess significance, have perused with interest a para-
graph in the Daily News, concerning : —
' THB PRINCESS FREDERICK CHARLES OP PRUSSIA AT
OBA.V — On Saturday PRINCESS FREDERICK CHARLES OF
PRUSSIA, who is travelling through the Highlands under the
incognito of the COUKTEBS VON DER MARK, arrived atOban from
Inverness, being accompanied by COUNT SciiLiri'ENDACK."
Private letters inform us that COUNT SCHLIPPENBACK,
wherever he goes in Scotland, affords occasion for re-
marks forming eximious instances of wnt. Grave
Deacons and Elders of the Eirk, and the other Kirks,
have been heard to express the charitable hope that
iiMrrENiiAOx's uae backslider. Then some one pre-
sent has generally said " Hoot awa' t " and the rest have
hooted.
THE IDEAL OF EARTHLY FELICITY.
Ethel (who disapproves oj a minimum of Jam to a maximum of bread). "I DAB«
SAY THE QUEEN AND HBR COURTIERS IAT A. WHOLf POT OF JjUt IVBRY DAF,
HAKET ! "
DOCTORS OF ECONOMY.
AT Munich, upon the occasion of the University
Jubilee, the Faculties of that seat of learning bestowed
honours OE certain distinguished foreigners. The Faculty
of National Economy " conferred the degree of Doctor,"
says a telegram, "upon the English Premier, MB.
GLADSTONE, the EARL OF SHIPTESBURY, and MB. JOHN
STCAHT MILL." The Munich Don* might, while they
were about it, have added another eminent Englishman
to this list of Doctors. The first name thereon is in its
right place. MB. GLADSTONE has distinguished himself
as a National Economist considerably more than LORD
SHAFTESBURT and Ma. MILL. Witness various labourers
and others thrown ont of Government's employ. The
spirit of the Cabinet over which our WILLIAM presides
is pre-eminently economical. Epping Forest, Thames
Embankment space, and much else of the same kind
would, but for the Corporation of London and some
likewise romantic Members of the House of Commons,
have been sacrificed to revenue. But credit for the
closest possible shaving is, though largely, not chiefly,
due to the Chief Minister. The PBEMTEB is perhaps
even in that way surpassed by the CHANCELLOR OF TBK
EXCHEQUER. The Munich University might as well
have conferred the degree of Doctor of National
Economy also on MB. LOWE.
SUCCESSOR TO PETER QUINCE.
AGAIN hath been promulgated, in the church of Santa Maria-
sopra-Minerva, in Rome, the Papal Bull inaugurating the pious
association against the profanation of festivals by traffic and work.
The Bull commenced in the following vigorous terms : —
" Since that most lamentable day in which, through the hidden wisdom of
Divine Providence, it happened that a filthy inundation, poured out from
hell, of most abandoned men, violently overwhelmed the centre of the Catholic
faith, and driving us out from our legitimate principality, usurped all the
rights of the civil power."
This is very pleasant reading. To be sure, not only does one
seem to have read it all before, but to have read it over and over ]
again. But there are some stories which will bear endless repeti-
tion, and so will the customary strong language of a Papal Bull.
A Bull by Pros is as fine in its way as a Bull by LASDSEEB. As
you would say of the picture —
" Hacplacuit semtl ; htec defies repetila plaotbit,"
— so likewise would you affirm of the Proclamation, meaning that it
will please ten times any multiple of ten. The pleasure which it
yields is not exactly identical with the amusement occasionally
afforded you by invective overheard amongst the lower strata of
society, but more nearly resembles that which you derive from the
same forcible style of speech uttered, on provocation, by persons
of dignity and distinction. The late EMFEROR NICHOLAS said it was
worth while coming all the way from St. Petersburg to hear the DUKE j
OF WELLINGTON in a rage. Something had gone wrong at a review
in Hyde Park ; and the Duke had expressed his displeasure at it in
damnatory terms. So likewise does the POPE. In these days of
reticence on the part of Sovereigns, whether reigning or dethroned ; I
in this age of mealy-mouthedness affected by exalted Personages, it j
is cheering to hear the one who claims to be the moat exalted of j
them all (though calling himself servus terrorum) come out with '
open, downright, violent, straightforward, abusive epithets, which
show that he has the courage of his opinions, insomuch as, at the
least, to be bold enough to declare them with ,'perfect unreserve.
Everybody else, of any consequence in these modern times, minces
words ; but the POPE doesn't. He keeps up the good old phraseology
of Papal Bulls, so that they continue quite up to the mark of
SWIFT 8 description of them in the Tale of a Tub. And United
Italy can afford to stand them, and (hooray !) like the part of Lion
as cast by Peter Quince, they are " nothing but roaring."
UNSEASONABLE DEMANDS
AH! writes PILOARLIC, evidently rendered cynical by narrow
means, I wish I had all the money I should have thrown away if I
had given a guinea to every Institution, Association, or Individual
from whom, or on whose behalf, I have received a begging Circular.
The best reply, in present circumstances, to all solicitations for
subscriptions to Memorials, and Testimonials, and all Charities for
the benefit or relief of the Striking Classes, is made by returning
the Circular of invitation thus briefly annotated : —
Butchers' meat at Is. 3rf. per pound.
Coals at 3oi. per ton.
Income-tax.
Surgeons and others, whose names are on their doors, or else to be
got at in any published Register, will probably find that by
answering as above all letters, written or printed for the purpose
of obtaining money not due, they will materially diminish the
influx of their Circular Bores.
Stable Talk and Table Talk.
A CERTAIN species of after-dinner conversation is commonly
described as "talking horse." It might generally, perhaps, better
be called talking Donkey.
81
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 24, 1872.
f 4-.
AH! WOULD YOU!?"
Eldest Son. "0 TA', 'MA1 BATS SHALL SHK Bur YOU SOME NICK WORSTED SOCKS IN THE VILLAGE, THEY'D DO CAPITALLY FOR
YOUR GOUT IN THE WlNTEK - "
[Aggravating; wasn't it I—Be was just off for a botanising stroll with that old Gentleman and his charming Daughters whose
acquaintance he 'd made the day before I
BENEDICTORY CURSES.
BY the kindness of an enthusiastic Spiritualist we have been
favoured with the following; example of direct spirit- writing. It is,
we are assured, quite " reliable," having been obtained through a
medium in whose presence crystals, spoons, and other valuables
have repeatedly disappeared : —
To the VENERABLE ARCHDEACON DENISON.
MY DEAR ARCHDEACON, — Thank you very much indeed for stand-
ing up so pluckily as you have done, like a brick and a pillar of the
Church, for my Creed, retained in its present position, state, and
nee, without note or explanation. It certainly requires no addition
i if the kind. The dispute about it could easily be settled. Invite
(Convocation to resolve that any of its clauses objected to in their
literal and grammatical meaning, may be conscientiously taken as
you Ritualists take some of the Articles which you cannot swallow,
although you have signed them, in a non-natural sense.
Ever yours, ATHANASITJS.
P.8. — SOCRATES, SENECA, and DR. JOHNSON are entirely of my
opinion. You are a jolly good fellow. And so say all of us.
Morning Land, Seventh Sphere,
Middle of Next Week, 1872.
Black Diamonds.
THE chemical difference between the Diamond and Coal is so
little, that Coal may be regarded as a form of Carbon approximating
to the Diamond. The difference in value between the two sub-
stances, until lately, was considerable ; but now the price of Coal is
rising at such a rate, that, in the quality of precious stone also,
Coals are rapidly getting approximated to Diamonds.
LEGISLATION FOR NAUGHTY MEN.
THE Licensing Bill must be regarded as a very incomplete enact-
ment as it does not contain provisions (conceived in the spirit which
dictates all legislation for regulating people's personal habits), to
prescribe appropriate punishments not only for publicans daring to
sarry on their business during prohibited hours, but also for the
customers combined with them in disobeying the law intended to
make them all good. For a customer's first offence the penalty
might, besides a fine, be an imposition of a certain number of lines,
or sums, or pages of history or geography ; the offender, if so illite-
rate as to be unable to learn a task, to be for a certain time " kept
in," or compelled to stand on a stool. The second offence should
render him liable to a caning, and, in case of a third, the man con-
victed of illicit drinking should incur the graver chastisement
inflicted on contumacious boys at Eton. This would be Liquor
Legislation for men. As for women, we know that, in respect of
liquor, they are all of them a law unto themselves. They do not
require to be checked, as naughty men do.
Plural on Plural.
HALF Hebrew, half English,
Old BENJAMIN MOSES
Cries " Clothes" all the week,
But on Saturday " closes."
A Trifle from the British Association.
Q. WHAT is the difference between Fixed Stars and Shooting
Stars?
A. The one are Suns ; the other Darters.
Printed OT Joie ph Smith, of No. M, Holford Square, in the Purlin of St. Jimw. Clerk.nweU. In the County of Mlddlioel, «t the Printing Office, ol Meiira. BradtHltT. ET«HS, * Co. Lombird
Street, la the Precinct at Whittfriin.m the city cf London, and Published by him, »t No. 89, Fleet Street, In the P»ri»h of St. Bride, Cltj of London.— SiTciati, Auguit U, 1872.
AUGUST 31, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
A PRIVILEGED SUBJECT.
Our Station- if aster (to admiring Peasants). "Los.' BLESS TOW I I*v» SHUNTED
HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY THE QUEEN LOTS o' TIMES, WHIN SHI'S COMB DOWN
isY OUR LINE 1 1 "
BOTH SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
DOWN on the Ramsgate beach,
Two Ladies, jolly and fat,
Were sitting together, and each
Wore a broad-brimmed sea-side hat.
The husband of one sold coals ;
The husband of t'other sold meat ;
They both were jovial souls,
Enjoying an autumn treat.
" Here 's a letter from my old man,
,1 KM IMA. my love," says one ;
" And he has a nice little plan
To give us another mouth's run."
" And I have a letter, too,"
The other Lady, says she ;
" And, upon my word 'tis true,
My old man 's a-coming to me."
" For what's the odds, MBS. RICH,
About a few pounds to us ?
Coals are gone up in price,
In spite of all bother and fuss."
" And here 's my old man's letter,"
Mas. RICE says to MKS. BBOWIT,
" To state times never was better.
And meat will never go down."
Then I thought of over- worked clerks,
And their pale-faced children at home,
Who must take it out in the parks,
As they cannot afford to roam.
An nntaxed breakfast's the ory ;
Only give us cheap sugar and tea !
Cheaper coals and meat, say I,
And a chance of a dip in the sea.
BOJCETH1NG FOB A FEW OF 'KM.
WHY do they write M.P. after their names ?
It 's a caution to creditors, and may be taken to stand
for M.P.-cunious.
EXTRA-PARLIAMENTARY UTTERANCES.
JUSTICE TO IRELAND.
To the Ri^ht Honourable the Lords Spiritual and Temporal of
the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland,
and
To the Honourable the Commons of the same United Kingdom
(not at present) in Parliament assembled :
sends greeting.
WHEREAS it has come to our ears that, in both Houses of Parlia-
ment, there are many Members who occupy seats for the alleged
purpose of making Laws for the United Kingdom, including Ire-
land, who have never set their foot in that Country :
And Whereas " Justice to Ireland" [under which name is included
the place called " Oireland." or the " Gim of the Say," or the " Im-
erald Isle"] has been made a Hustings cry by many popularity-
mongers who are ignorant of the Country and its people and its
wants :
And Whereas many of such Members may be surprised to hear
that such a Country really exists, and that it contains as regards
people some of the most beautiful women in the world, and some of
the lightest-hearted " boys" who ever breathed, in addition to the
most exquisite Lake and Mountain scenery :
Now We, Punch, desire and command all of you who have talked
about a Country, and legislated for a Country, which can be reached
in twelve hours, that during the present vacation, you one and all,
together with your wives and children, if you are married, and with
your sisters, nieces, or intended wives, if you intend to marry, forth-
with visit that part of the United Kingdom called Ireland, and that,
passing rapidly through the regular touring districts, which are the
special property of hotel-keepers, guides, and stage peasants and
beggars, you travel in and about the more unfrequented parts —
especially in the far West, where money is most wanted ; and, with-
out patronage or haughty manner, that you go in amongst the
peasantry, and make yourselves acquainted with their wants, their
hopes, and their fears :
And in default of your so doing, I hereby warn you that at the
next meeting of Parliament We, Punch, attended by our faithful
dog Toby, will be present in both Houses of Parliament, and should
yon, or any of you who have disregarded this our mandate, attempt
to vote or speak on any Irish question, our Royal displeasure shall
be testified, in spite of the LOKD CHANCELLOR, or the Right Honour-
able the SPEAKER of the House of Commons, by the aid of our baton
and our pen— one or both — in such a manner that each of you who
shall have disobeyed this 9ur mandate will abuse the day when he
became an Hereditary Legislator, or wrote M.P. after his name, as
the case may be.
Given at our Court, 85, Fleet Street, this 13th day of August, 1872.
TOBY X his mark.
PRIVILEGE AND 'PIKES.
AN inhabitant of a London suburb, a pedestrian except when
occasionally using a public conveyance, has the honour of paying
very handsomely in local rates for the accommodation, with roads
whereon tolls have been abolished, of his neighbour who keeps a
carriage and horses. When sojourning out of town in some perhaps
not very remote country district, he hires a vehicle, and drives or is
driven to see a Cathedral, or other lions. In the course of his
journey he has to pay toll to the amount of fourpence or sixpence,
or more, at several turnpikes. It grieves him very much indeed to
think that he is helping to deprive his provincial fellow-country-
men of the honour and pleasure of keeping their roads in repair on
his account at their expense, as he, for his part, and in his own par-
ticular district, has to do on that of the Public at large, including
themselves.
vot. LXIII.
86
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 1872.
broiling
say:—
goi
Th
THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.
(Fur this Year only.)
TCHAPS of all the pleasant
tours projected by the
Capacious Intellect of a
BBADSHAW (who was one
of the Regicides and is
now one of the llailway-
cides) the mo-t agreeable
is that which commences,
thus, " Paris," and ends,
"Appilly." This is how
every trip ought to finish.
On this route ("No. 33 in
the books, Gentlemen ";
you pass through Ham,
like the sharp blade you
are, but not like a knife,
as in that case you'd cut
it, as M. Louis NAPOLEON
did in 1846, when he
walked off with a plank
on his shoulder, and a
beam of joy in his eye.
Alas ! where are we now ?
Why after Ham (which is
in August) you arrive at " Appilly," where you'll sing or
" Appilly, Appilly
Shall we live now ! "
and remember that Appilly ig, as the name also implies, a great
place for Orchards. En voiture, Messieurs, en voiture ! Jump up,
take your ticket, don't breathe upon the glasses, and insist upon
being taken to
Hamburg, where, it being the last year of the tables which are
'oing to be turned, you must make your game while the ball rolls.
?hen go off to Spa, to which place don't forget to take your gloves
and have a box at the Theatre, and enter your name in the regular
Lists. After this, there being yet a few gaming-tables still in
existence, try Ems.
Ems is so called from so many distinguished people staying here
incognito. They are merely enrolled in the Visitors' Guide as " M.
or N. as the case may be." Hence they are mostly Ems or Ens as
the cases may be. When here go down the Lahn to the Rhine, and,
having done the Lahn, you "11 have nothing more to larn from this
neighbourhood. By the way, the sailing-boats plying on the Lahn
have their rigging taut. (Advice. — Try this/eM de mot in German.
No extra charge.) Now is the time for going to Sweden. From
the Rhine the line is almost direct, and if you can only be absent
for a few days, make the most of your time.
Sweden is a very flat country ; so that any person who 's only
half sharp can get on remarkably well. Ask the first flat you meet
to advance you a sum sufficient for your tour. If he 's only flat
enough, yon won't have much trouble to get round him.
Sweden wag formerly divided into two parts — Sweden Proper and
Sweden Improper. Now, however, one is merged in .the other, so
that there is no knowing which is which. The country is well
watered by rivers which flow all over the place, rendering a tourist
with a portable bath, and a sail to it, entirely independent.
Spnrt— for which you will of course go — is magnificent. There
are Elks (which is a sort of Pickled Whelks), Bears, Wolves, and
Wild Cats.
2V Trap Elks. — Supply yourself with vinegar and oil, peppering
them first with some small shot.
For the Capture of Bears only a good supply of buns is necessary.
Those purchaseable at the Zoological Gardens are best for the
purpose.
To Take Wolves.— Provide yourself with a sheepskin. Put this
on, and go out, on all fours, in the moonlight. The wolves will at
once rush down upon you, and the foremost will seize you, when
you will at once seize him.
As to Wild Cats, the same plan must be pursued as the last above-
mentioned, only that in this instance you will be dressed as a mouse.
MB. MAT, the Theatrical Costumier, would supply you with the
dress, as would any courteous Manager of a large Theatre, out of
Pantomime time. The Clown's Red-Hot Poker would create an
immense sensation in the Northern Regions among the Icebergs.
Apply to MOICSIETFB AUGUSTK HAKBIS, of Covent Garden, for the
real thing. There 's sport for you ! _^~
At Stockholm you '11 visit the Royal Academy founded by the
celebrated Liwirsus ; and you are permitted to ask, on entering,
who tens the celebrated LINN*DS? when you will have had an
opportunity of contributing to the Academy^.by exhibiting— your
ignorance.
After this (if they '11 let you), visit the Bank. Examine the
coinage, and bring away with you a few specimens of notes and
gold, in order to add to your home stock of useful information about
Stock-holm.
After this, go to the House of the Dint, where you can stay while
we go to the House of our Diet— the Hotel. So far BO good for the
present.
TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Muffin.— You say you want to go to China, but still would prefer
Germany. Can't do both. Then why not go to Dresden for China ?
Buttercup wants to know if Hastings is on the sea ? No : on the
land. Dsn't ask such ridiculous questions.
T/ippence.—How many people can live comfortably at Tenby ?
Now then, TUPPENCE, what is the good of calling it Ten\>y if eleven
people can live there. Get out.
Bonasses asks what are the Carpathians ? Must we, for the
twentieth time, answer that they are Monks. Their name is derived
from their never walking, but always going along the path in a car.
Simple when you know it, isn't it ? They are not to be confused
with the Trappists.
Weeping Willy wishes to know who is The Mauritius? We'll
tell WILLIAM. He is Governor of an island, and is the head of a
Clan like THE O'DoNOOHUE, THE O'MDLLIOAN, and so forth.
Jenny Twiddleums would be so glad to know what costume is the
best for the sea-side. We reply, dear JENNT, whatever becomes
you best. Periwinkle Pattern hat with sea-rulean ribands, a body
of water, sand shoes, and hair in a net. Always look at yourself ia
a pier-glass before you start, and that 's all.
" If I go abroad," writes SNUFFLEE to us, " can I get cheap
lodgings P An Attic will do, anywhere, but where ? " The best
attic is in Venice : there SNUFFLEB will find a-dry-ttttic. Good-bye,
SNUFFLEE.
MILITARY USE OF SARL'M.
A T.ETTEE in the Post, concerning the Army on Salisbury Plain,
contains a passage of which the " commencement " has a "seques-
tration " which seems doubtfully " answerable " :—
" For the last two or three days the different regimental bands hare been
individually and collectively practising divers lugubrious tunes without any
apparent object. This morning, however, ub >ut half-past ten, the aim of
their labours became evident, when Divine service was performed al fresco in
each of the divisions, and the musical portion of the office was most creditable
to the bands and improvised choirs. "
The tunes practised by tbA-Tmytary bands were simply "lugu-
brious " to the mind of thp^ hearer who so describes them, until he
came to hear them played in the performance of Divine service.
Then he thought the " mu.sical portion of the office," of which they
mainly consisted, "most creditable to the bands and improvised
choirs." Lugubrious and creditable ; " most musical, most melan-
choly." What was this "office " of which the musical portion was,
although lugubrious, yet creditably performed ? The " Office for
the Dead " P A military mass, and not only that, but a Military
Requiem ? Ma. WHALLET, only fancy the idea of a British military
band playing an accompaniment to the Dies Ir<e ! Is Ritualism.
expanded into Romanism out-and-out, the enemy which has invaded
and taken captive our Army on Salisbury Plain ? What a pity that
there is not now sitting a House of Commons in which perhaps you
would ask ME. CAKDWELL that question !
Theocracy in Japan.
THE Times, the other day, announced that the Japanese Govern-
ment, intended shortly to proclaim a new religion. Perhaps His
Holiness the MIKADO will be more successful at that sort of work
than His Holiness the Porn has been. The Japanese have swal-
lowed their Sovereign Pontiff's Infallibility ; swallowed it long ago ;
and there is no likelihood that his definition or dictation of novel
dogmas, how absurd soever, will cause a schism among the Japanese
faithful, and create a Church of Old Buddhists, or Old Heathen of
any other denomination.
Startling, if True.
IT is whispered that a leading Member of Her Majesty's Govern-
ment is suffering from nervous symptoms, the result of a shock
which he experienced the other evening from the sight of an appari-
tion. The Right Honourable Gentleman's supernatural visitant
presented itself, according to report, in the form of the sanguinary
child that rises out ot the Witches' cauldron in Macbeth. It is
supposed to have been the ghost of a Massacred Innocent.
AUOCST 31, Ib72.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THOUGHTS.
HE Northern Fanner
opposite me at dinner.
Now 's the time to lead
up to farming, and find
out something more
about whatEuGLBMORE
calls "Mister Turnips."
Somehow the conversa-
tion, becoming unman-
ageable, turns on " pa-
per." Northern Farmer
knows all about it. He
gays they make paper
of grass now.
Happy Thought. —
Set up a County Paper,
offices, machinery, and
all complete, in a Grass
County.
Conversation, becom-
ing more unmanageable
than before, darts about
the table like a ball in
a Racquet Court, and is
caught and sent for-
ward and sent hack,
and hit on the rebound,
and then dropped ;
when some one brings
up a fresh ball, and on we go again. Suddenly, a propos of the
second course, the Northern Farmer, in the midst of a lull^asks me
Icmdly, and so pointedly as almost to make me blush, I can't in the
least tell why, " What Salmon do you get in London ? "
I don't think I 've ever been so much discomposed and startled by
a question as by this. What Salmon do I get in London ? [On
subsequent analysis 1 come to the conclusion that I was taken hj
surprise, and lost my presence of mind, because— First. I didnt
expect a Farmer to be interested in fish. Secondly. The subject
previously, up to that fifteen seconds of silence, had not been fish
or anything like it. Thirdly. The question presumed that my
residence was in London, and I should have had to explain, publicly,
that it wasn't. Fourthly. That his way of saying " you— in Lon-
don" sounded insulting, as if he took me by my dress and style for
a genuine Cockney. Fifthly. I 've never got (i.e. bought) Salmon
in London.]
Happy Thought (on recovering my self-possession). — To reply, 0,
GBOVES'S, Bond Street," which I feel is an evasion.
My Aunt, who has got Salmon in London, replies, on her own
account, " Savern Semmon— I mean Severn Salmon." Of course
Salmon from the Severn ; quite a familiar name now I hear it, bu
very odd that it wouldn't come when called for by the Northern
Farmer. "0," says the latter, as rather surprised, "not Christ-
church Salmon?"
Happy Thought.— Reply with certainty, "J«o, not Chnstchurch
Salmon." Feel quite at home now. Remember Christchurch de
scribed as a lovely place. Turn the conversation by saying, "1
lovely place— Christchurch," and everybody appears to be listening
for a description of it from me. MILBUBD, across my Aunt, asks
" Ever been there ? " It occurs to me suddenly that I have seen i
as a station on the South- Western.
Happy Thought.— To reply, " Yea— that is— I 've passed throug]
it." Better drop the subject.
MIIBURD asks if it isn't in the New Forest. I leave this for spm
one else to answer. On second thoughts, how about Salmon in ;
Forest? The Northern Farmer has been joking, perhaps, and play
ing into MILBUBD'S hands. If there are Salmon in a Forest, then
Sportsman's Diary in the New Forest would be interesting, special!;
if kept by EN(;LEMORE— thus : —
August \1th.— Two guns. Bagged four brace of Colonel Coc
Salmon. Winged Mister Mackerel. Major Sprats rather wild
couldn't get near 'em.
August I'M.— Two barrels. Potted Shrimps." Peppered litU
Tommy Lobster just as he was going to earth. ' Came on a fin
covey of Hod Herrings. Bagged five brace. Kicked up Miate
Crab, and let him have it hot.
And so on.
While I have been helping myself to potatoes the conversation has
turned on horses, then to artists who paint horses. Well-informe
man, the Northern Farmer. Knows all about sheep and anima
generally. Also about sheep and animal painters. MILBTJRD ask
if " he' s seen POTTER'S Bull in Holland ? " " Meaning PAU
POTTER'S ? Yes he has," he answers, which has the effect of takin
MILBUBD down a bit. Northern Farmer now speaks of a farm (hi
suppose) at Kendal. By easy steps we get on to corn, hay, and
Happy Thought.— Fanner's Scientific Catechism. Elementary
uestions, " What is Corn ? What is Hay P What are 0»U '; " &e,
erhaps this plan is pursued at an Agricultural College. It strikes
ae for the first time that if I want to go in for this sort of thing
egularly, and not only pour me distraire, I ought to enter at an
' gricultural College.
Happy Thought.— Jo find put all about it Will write to ENC.I.I:-
OBE and ask him to inquire for me while he 's m the country.
M.I.KMOHE
y Professor
1 ft Qf'PfrCC, 111 1L1UOV W i* A* Hni'U.H'1 lllt*li. * UV t* V"v»"-»«i .\-"--.. •• • ww
ould be, I suppose, Gowns and Gaiters. To b« " ploughed for
malls " would be praise instead of expressing a failure. Think it
nt, and resume subsequently. Write to KNOLBMOHK.
After Dinner.— Still at table. Northern Farmer, becoming hearty
he calls it " 'arty "), says in broad dialect, that if I 'm coming his
ray he 'd be glad to see me. Certainly.
MM
ood.
agricultural term) him. I inform him that 1 consider him a pro-
essor. [By the way, his daughter is bitting by his *ide all the tame,
railing but silent. Pretty.] " No, no," he saye, " not a professor."
"Yours," I insist upon it— meaning by "yours" "y«mrocoupa-
ion,"— " yours is a Profession, not a business, or a trade. In fact,"
say, "there's science and art in it." I confide to him that 'I
ntend learning his profession," meaning farming, only I don't
ame it, as I take for granted he understands me, which he evi-
ently does, as he replies that he doesn't suppose I 'd care mucli
bout it. As he is going to Brussels with his daughter, where the
will be at school for some time, we shall not see one another aft»-r
Antwerp ; therefore, while we think of it, if he'd give me his card,
•r write his address, I would do myself the pleasure, &«., &o., when
come to the North, &c., &o., which 1 certainly shall, as I intend
' going in for the thing regularly ; " the thing meaning, a* befort,
arming.
Happy Thought (while he is looking in hit poch»t~book for card),—
magine his address— it will be " Sunnyside Farm"— " Roaedale
)airy " — Homely wife — buxom maidservants — well-educated
laughter — honeysuckles— cows— new milk— up with the lark—
lown with the plough— home to oatmeal porridge— practical work
fields— top-dressings. &c., &c. I see it all in my mind's eye.
He can't find the card now, but will look in his bag. During the
evening I talk on the subject with MILBUBD who, however, retires
early.
Happy Thought.— Perfectly calm. Go to bed. My Aunt says she
'eels quite well, she thinks, but a little feverish, and MR. MILBUBD
las told her that the best thing^ to take is a sodler of tumby and
jrander ; " or," as the Steward is passing she addresses him hastily,
'will you be good enough to bring me a wioe of glassed water, if
/ou please." [Translation, per Dixon's Johnsonary— " A sodler,"
&c., a tumbler of brandy and soda; and "Will JOB bring me a
wice," &c., a glass of iced water.]
• • •
Antwerp.— Morning. Having to attend to my Aunt, I don't see
much of Northern Farmer. He is just leaving the boat as I hail
him. " Ah ! " he exclaims, hurriedly. " Good-bye, Sir. 'Ere's the
card." The daughter smiles upon me as I reply, " Good-bye, Sir.
You shall hear from me, depend upon it."
I explain to my Aunt that this acquaintance will be useful to me,
and I proceed to examine the card. It is
MB. PETER CHOPP,
UPHOLSTERER,
22, EAST TICITON STREET,
MANCHEHTKR.
Clearly then I've been calling upholstering a Profession, and
offering to learn the business, and go to him as an apprentice.
1 loppy Thought.— CHOPP 's gone to Brussels. We 're off in th<
opposite direction.
Beer for the Brave!
is one person, out on an excursion, who ought to be able to
get a glass of beer on a Sunday during Excursion Hours at any time
hut at present is not, from another cause than the tyranny ef the
Licensing Act. He is in the truest sense of the word a bonaMi
traveller, being, at present, considerably more than hve miles trom
home, fc The bond fide traveller of travellers is DR. LIVIKGSIOKB.
88
PUNCH, ORgTHE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[Anansr 31, 1872.
HOLIDAY PLEASURES.
Injured Individual. " HEIGHO ! I DID THINK I SHOULD FIND SOME REFUGE FROM THE MISERIES OF THE SKA-SIDE IK THE COM-
FORTS OF A BKD ! JUST LOOK WHERE MY FEET ARE, MARIA ! "
Eii Wife. " WSLL, JOHN I IT'S ONLY FOR A MONTH, YOU KNOW ! "
HAWFINCH AT HARVEST HOME.
THE year opened wild, which did last droo the Spring,
And the leaves all out early, and crops forrard, bring,
And the swallers and martuns to 'pear on the wing,
And the drushes and blackbirds to whistle and zing.
We shall suffer, I says, for all this here by'm-by ;
And I didn't, when I foretold that, tell no lie.
For at length rainy weather come arter the dry,
And the sharp blackthorn winter the fruit killed, well-nigh.
The apples was purty well nipped in the bud,
But tne pears has escaped from the frosts and the flood ;
There was plenty o' grass, fit for ehaw'n o' the cud,
But haymakun was hendered for cattle and stud.
Then thunder and lightnun' did gurtly prevail ;
Turned all the small beer sour and most o' the ale.
There was some fear at one time the harvest 'ood fail ;
But by August's late sunshine 'twas saved for the flail.
The steam-flails I calls urn— the thrashun' machines ;
I be but a Clown ; but you knows what I means.
Sing wheat, barley, rye, vetches, wuts, peas and beans,
Ana turmuts, and mangold, and clover, and greens.
There 's a good lot o' taters, though touched wi' the blight,
And the cattle-plag here and there beasties med smite.
If coals 'ood but come down now they 'd patience requite ;
But the prices o' stock makes your high meat all right.
So let us be joyful whilst youthful we be,
Arter life's sprightly prime, arter sad age we see,
The mould (says the haythen) 'ool ha' hold o' we.
Then drink off your liquors so long as you 're free.
But what a despiseable Act is this here,
Allowancun' fellers what hours to git beer !
To stand laws so petty, and strict, and severe,
The People's a turnun' to milksops, there 's fear.
The POPE never governed his slaves wus at Roam,
And happy 's the man that can brew beer at whoam,
The fat beer alone now that makes the jug foam,
In spite o' Police he can mysen his loam.
Here 's the land that we live in, and perish the man
As 'ood like to rule England the same as Japan,
Or the haythen Chinee's mandareen-ridden plan,
And lock doors and shoot bolts 'twizt a chap and his'can !
Touchy Travellers.
THE source of the Nile appears, after all, to have been not as yet
actually discovered, but conjectured only by DE. LIVINGSTONE.
Other travellers are still at loggerheads about the question, verbal
or real, of the origin of that historical river. Travellers appear to
be a sensitive class of mortals. Their letters to the newspapers
entitle us to speak of them, genetically, as Genus irritabile Via-
toruin. Temper, rather than logic, is manifest in their squabbles,
and, perhaps from their wandering propensity, travellers are apt to
travel from the point at issue. This may be accounted for phreno-
logically by the preponderance of "Locality" and the other percep-
tive organs over those of reflection, which contributes to make
men roam, regardless of consequences, among cannibals.
SPORTING EXAM.
Question. Trace the descent of the Day of Danebury from" the Dey
of Algiers or any other Dey that 's convenient.
> >
w ?
o 2
H 5
3 M
*«
2 <*>
"
* d
i §
H
W
H§
— CO
M W
o *d
o w
^ o
H 2
to E
O *>
g c,
wS
=
"g
•• CD
H«
W t>
O Ed
W
w
w
cp -
o
<3
to
O
CO
H
a
I
05
ta
s
tsi
CS3
tr1
AUGUST 31, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
91
COUNTY ;COURTSHIP FOR THE COMMONALTY.
E THINK recent
lawsuits resulting
in fortunes fur fair
plaintiffs suggest
that a very neces-
sary step, as soon
as possible to be
taken in Legal Re-
form, is that of
empowering the
County Courts to
try actions for
breach of promise
of marriage, it is
ridiculous to Bay
that rich and poor
are alike equal be-
fore the law, when
the (daughter of an
unskilled workman
or an agricultural
labourer has not
the tame facilities
for'obtaining a pecuniary indemnity for disappointed affections as those at the
command of middle-class young ladies, and of young ladies of the higher
classes, if they want to use them, which they seldom do. Why should Cads and
Roughs be privileged to be faithless and inconstant, and trifle with the fond
feelings of a confiding girl 'i It is possible that a defendant in the lower orders
would, in proportion to his circumstances, be sufficiently amerced, whilst the
woman whom he had deserted would obtain adequate compensation, by a verdict
of damages to the amount of fire shillings ; for lacerated attachment is as
capable of being salved by a crown in a humble station of life as it is by a
thousand pounds in a higher, although in either case, perhaps, the damages
would be assessed by a jury of thinking and honest men at one farthing.
Still, the poor young woman, susceptible of pecuniary satisfaction for injured
love, ought to have the same chance, in proportion, as the rich, whilst there is
chance for any woman of making money out of a man otherwise so worth-
ss, or so wise, as to have broken his worn with her. Let the scullion or cook
.ave her action against the faithless footman, and SUSAN the lady's-maid be
enabled to sue JOHN THOMAS.
It is true that the transference of breach of promise of marriage oases from
Nisi Prius to County Courts would diminish the profes-
sional earnings of Barristers by depriving them of many
golden opportunities of exerting their impassioned and
earnest eloquence. Every right-minded man would
lament to see Gentlemen of the Long Robe deprived of
a very great deal of lucrative and particularly credit-
able business; but the interests of even-handed justice
must nevertheless be held paramount to those even of an
honourable profession. And there would still remain for
Counsel much business of a nature equally creditable.
Ciuacks and Rogues, called what they are, would con-
tinue to bring their actions fur libel. Impostors would
not «eose to claim estates. There are plenty of others,
besides speculative and mercenary women, to employ
advocates.
Wanted a Father.
CHBISTIANITY once conquered civilised heathenism.
The Aiiciiiiisiioi- OF CAXTKKBOUY, considering the
number of civilised heathens with whom we now
mingle, seems to fear that, if we do not take care what
we are about, civilised heathenism will have its revenge.
The letters in reply to the Primate's remarks, from
AKDT.SIIEKK B. CAPADIA and TIIAKCR, in the Times,
appear to show that, to confute such antagonists as
those Indian gentlemen, the Church needs an apologist
in logic and learning considerably superior to TKU-
TULLIA jf ; but can Convocation, or could the Crown, even
by the offer of an Archbishopric, produce an equal
to him?
Initials in Vogue.
Lively Young Lady (to Paterfamilias). Note from
GEHTHUDE CLACK, Papa. " My dear AJTNIE, — Will you
favour us with your company to-morrow afternoon at a
game of croquet, to come off on the lawn at four pre-
cisely. D.V."
Paterfamilias. D.V., my dear ! Miss GKRTEUDE CLACK
is very profane.
Lively Young Lady. La, Papa ! D.V.— the dresses we
are all to wear, you know. Dolly Vardens.
THE ILLITERATES."
A BALLOT DKAMA.
of the Agent of LORD PEPPEBEM, the popular
t—LoKD P.'s Committee and ME. SLYBOOTS,
SCBKE 1.— Office
Candidate. Present
Confidential Manager.
Chairman. "Well, ME. SLYBOOTS, what's the next move ? Time is
running short, and the poll will close in half-an-hour.
Mr. Slyboots. All right, Sir ; there are only three polling places,
and I have an illiterate for each who will occupy a quarter of an
hour or twenty minutes at the close.
Chairman. Good ! who are they ?
Mr. Slyboots. Old LEAT UEKS, who was a postboy once, who will
do the stone-deaf business : he goes to Polling-booth A. PUBL, who
keeps The Wired Hare beershop, an old Poacher with the gift of the
gab, will go to Polling-booth B : and SOAPSUDS, the stammering
Barber, is told off for Polling-booth C.
SCENE 2.— Polling-booth A. Present— the Presiding Officer, LOBJ>
PEPPEBEM'S Agent, ME. NEWSROOM'S Agent, and two Consta-
bles.
Enter LEATHERS, a wizened old man, who pulls his forelock.
Leathers. Good morning, Gentlemen. (Officer shows him into a
compartment and hands him Salht-paper.) 1 don't rightly under-
stand this here. My regular money always have a been a guinea
for every one I brought to the poll, drunk or sober, pervided he
polled.
Presiding Officer (with some excitement). Put a mark, Sir. against
the Member's name for whom you wish to vote, and don't keep the
electors waiting.
Leathers. Beg your pardon, Sir, but I be main deaf to be sure ;
and I come out without my speaking-trumpet this morning.
Constable (shouting in his ear). Put your cross, Sir, against the
Member's name.
Leathers. I beant a going for a cross in this 'ere job.
Presiding Officer. Put your mark, Sir, or leave the booth.
[LEATHEHS becomes intensely deaf for some minutes.
Mr. /fineftroom's Agent. This is monstrous ! Eleven minutes out
of the last twenty are gone already owing to this blockhead's
stupidity.
Lord Pepperem's Agent. I insist that this poor man, who is
suffering under the terrible infirmity of deafness, shall not be
bullied.
Presiding Officer. Now, my good man, there are two names on
that paper — do you understand that ?
Leathers. Ees, Sir, if you say so, I believe you. But what be the
names ?
Presiding Officer (furious). Bead them, Sir, for yourself.
Leathers (whose deaf nets is getting better). I beant no soholard.
Presiding Officer. Can you read, Sir ?
Leathers. Well, Sir, not rightly well. I oun read the letters
TAP over a tap-room, as, an old pal of mine, as was a brother
postboy, learnt me, but nothin' else.
Lord Pepperem's Agent. I claim to have this man's vote recorded
as that of an illiterate voter. The constables must leave the room.
[Presiding Officer produces declaration for Illiterate.
Leathers (who is getting very deaf indeed again). I beant a-going
to put my mark to nothing which 1 don't understand, Gents.
Town Clock log. Ding dong— ding dong— ding dong— ding dong: !
Bom! Bom! Bom! Bom I
Presiding Officer. Four o'clock. Poll closed ! [Exit LEATHISES.
Mr. Newsroom's Agent. This is monstrous ! outrageous ! I '11
write to the 2V
Voice from the Crowd. Was Old LEATHERS deaf enough for 'ee,
old cook ?
SCEITK 3.— Polling- Sooth B.
(Present at this, and at Polling-Sooth C, the same class of Officers
as at Polling-Sooth A.)
Enter Ma. PUEL, Landlord of the Wired Hare, touching hit forelock
like XL*. LEATIIEKS.
Time 3'45 P. if.
Purl. Good morning, Gentlemen, and my respects to you, ME.
SMITH (Presiding Officer). As you knows, Sir, I am not a soholard.
Mr. Smith. Quite right, PCBL, and I will read you a declaration
which you will have to make. Retire, Constables f [Reads.
Purl. Now, MB. SMITH, I ain't a going to sign any declaration
before I understands this, and I wants to ask you a few questions.
Mr. Newbroom's Agent. This can't be done ; we have only twelve
minutes to time.
92
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 1872.
LIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT, BUT FOR ITS " PLEASURES."-S/R CORNEWALL Lswis.
IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE ENGLISH WATEBING-PLAOES BEING CROWDED, PEOPLE ABB GLAD TO FIND SLEEPING ACCOMMODATION IN
THE BATHING-MACHINES.
Boots (from Jones' $ Hotel). " I 'VE BROUGHT TOUK SHAVING WATER, SIR ; AND YOU 'LL PLEASE TO TAKE CARB OF TOUR BOOTS ON
THE Srsps, GENTS : THE TIDE'S JUST A COMIN' IN! "
Voices from Without. Let us in to vote !
Lord Pepperem's Agent. This man shall not be hurried : a decla-
ration is a very solemn thing. Mr. Presiding .Officer, I demand
that this declaration he explained.
Purl. All I wants to know is, Gents, is this 'ere on the square ?
Presiding Officer. Whom do you vote for, Sir ?
Purl. Well, that depends on circumstances; our price is well
known, and no one knows it better than you, MR. SMITH, for when
MK. HANDICAP, LORD ROPER'S son, stood, you settled with us
(SMITH turns pale) ; and you knows wery well, Sir, that me and
four-and-twenty who uses my house, The Wired Hare, goes to-
gether for three pounds down and ten after, and if your money is
ready— as it used to be rigular— our wotes is too.
Smith (in a tremendous voice). Constables— Constables !
Enter Constables.
Purl. Now, Gents, I am quite ready for this little game, as I
axed my lawyer — him as got the four burglars off at last Assizes —
and he says to me says he, PURL, he says, don't you sign nothin'
you don't understand, for you are a hignirant man, PURL, he says
says he, and don't you be done, PURL ; and I don't mean to be
done, Gents.
Smith (frantic). Constable, remove that man.
Mr. Newbroom's Agent. Tnere are only two minutes to spare.
Purl. Just one of you put a finger on me, as my lawyer says to
me, says he, " PURL,'' he says, "let 'em touch you, that's all;"
and now, you two. do it if you dare (to Constables) ; I '11 give you
my head, and won t hit you again ; but my lawyer shall let you
'ave it, he shall, at the Assizes.
Town Clock. Dingdong! &c., &c.
Smith. Poll closed.
SCENE 4.— Polling-Sooth C.
Enter MR. SOAPSUDS, the Barber.
Presiding Officer. Ma. SOAPSUDS, I understand that you are
illiterate. (SOAPSUDS nods approvingly.) I will now read you the
declaration. (Reads.) You understand that ? (SOAPSUDS nods
very approvingly.) For whom do you wish to vote — for PEPPEREM,
or NEWSROOM, or both ?
[SOAPSUDS, after making a movement in his throat and mouth as
if he had cracked a nut and swallowed an oyster, shakes his
head and fails to speak.
Presiding Officer. This is very sad. I think we might ask him to
nod as I name the candidates.
Lord Pepperem's Agent. I protest— no prompting! This is a
very intelligent tradesman, and must not be hurried.
Voices from Without. Put that stuttering Barber out, and let us
in ! We want to vote !
Mr. Newbroom's Agent. Time is going, Gentlemen. We cannot
keep the Electors out.
[Five minutes'1 wrangle takes place between the two Agents.
Presiding Officer. Now, MB. SOAPSUDS, try again.
[SOAPSUDS goes through a prolonged pantomime, and butting with
his head, begins, " PEP-P-P-P-P-P-P ," and takes breath.
Mr. Newbroom's Agent. I insist on the word being spoken.
Soapsuds. NEW— N-N-N-N-N-N
Lord Pepperem's Agent. I insist on the word being spoken too.
Town Clock, as before, strikes Four. Poll closes.
SCENE THE LAST. — At the Wired Hare JBeershop. Present —
MESSRS. PURL, LEATHERS, SOAPSUDS, and Twenty-four other
Independent Electors, many of whom had been on the mill.
Mr. Purl, Chairman, loq. Gentlemen, it is no use a trying on
these here games with us. Me and LEATHERS and SOAPSUDS have
taught them a lesson against wiolating of our rights and invading
of our privileges. They have had their little game to-day, and I
hope yon have enjoyed our little "Ballot-box" to-night. ATw1
here 's to LORD PEPPEBEM, the Poor Man's Friend !
And
AUGUST 31, ItT-'.j
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL
93
AT THE CHURCH GATE."
"So NOW YOU'VE BEEN TO CHUKCH, ETHEL! AKD WHICH I' ART OF IT ALL
DO TOtT LIKE BEST I"
"Tars PART, MAMMA!"
MYSTERIOUS MACHINERY.
THIS is a most curiously inventive age, and in no way
perhaps more 10 than in the important matter of inven-
tion of machinery. We have machines for doing well
nigh everything in life ; indeed, we onrselves are be-
coming mere machines, at least, so people often toll us.
Among the latest efforts of mechanical invention, we see
advertised profusoly, "The Vowel Washing Machine,"
which, clever as we are, considerably puzzles us. Fancy
washing a vowel ! How on earth can it be done ? and
even when it is done, what on earth can be the good of
it ? Can the liquids in our alphabet be the liquids that
are used by the machine to wash our vowels '! We have
heard of persons being foul of speech, and using dirty
words and unsavoury expressions. Would a vowel
washing machine be of any service to them ? Perhaps
if they began to wash their vowels now and then, they
might proceed in course of time to washing entire words,
and so, from being foul of tongue, they might become
quite pure and cleanly. Even slang might possibly be
purified by use of the vowel- washing process j and if a
man were asked how he was off for soap, he might reply
without a trace of coarseness or ill-temper, " Thank you,
I 've enough to spare you some to wash your vowels
with." ===—=:
Aid to Assistants.
" WHAT is the next article ?" Is there any necessity
that this to most intelligent people irritating question
should be inevitable ? The purpose of it, in so far as it
has any, would be fully answered if the question were
posted m large letters on the wall behind^ the counter,
in a sufficient number of places at convenient distances
apart Then the shopman would be enabled to save
his breath, whilst the customer would be moved to con-
sider whether indeed among the various articles on sale
in the shop there might or not be one which he might
find that he wanted when, by an effort of mind, he came
to think a little.
AT7DI ALTEBAM PAiTEM.
THE "Intoxicating Liquors" Act would do some good
in the City if it oouM prevent money from getting
tight.
THE BALLOT AND THE BOOBIES.
THE town of Pontefraet has hitherto been celebrated chiefly for
the production of liquorice, with which, henceforth, will perhaps be
connected the fact that the Ppntefract constituency was that body
whereon first in Great Britain was tried the experiment of the
Ballot. The result of this experiment shows that at other elections,
in other places, where the proportions of illiterate and indolent
electors to those capable of voting and taking the trouble to vote are
probably the same, a great many fools will be disfranchised by their
own blunders, and a greater number of other fools by their own
laziness in failing to vote. The more blockheads there are whose
votes are thrown away the better ; educated and respectable people
can abstain from voting if they please.
By all means let them abstain from voting if they particularly
wish to continue to be governed by those whom MB. LOWE called
our masters, the lower orders. Suppose they want to remain pri-
vileged with the honour of exclusively paying Income-tax, and
further of exclusively paying, by an increase of Income-tax, the
expenses, voted by the representatives of the Populace, of any war
•which the Populace may demand. Then let them carefully, or care-
lessly, no matter how, absent themselves from the polling-box. Do
they desire to have the thin end of the compulsory Temperance
wedge, which has been introduced by Government in the shape of
the "Intoxicating Liquors" Act, driven home to the prohibition of
the sale of swipes ? Are they really anxious to be put into leading-
strings and strait-waistcoats yet tighter than those by which they
have been bound by a Legislature subservient to fussy, priggish,
vedantic, agitating demagogues, and the fanatic democracies which
those platform-spouters wield ? In that case they have only to
forego their rights as free and independent electors. It will suffice
them not to vote for a candidate who will maintain justice and
liberty, and to leave Trades' Unionists and Teetotallers to return an
OoGER^or a SIR WILFRID LAWSON.
They may, if they had rather, preserve their remaining liberties.
They might perhaps even recover those they have lost. They need
but, all of them, make a point of voting, and vote for the right man.
BIRDS IN BORROWED PLUMBS.
I SAT, Punch, old hoss, I don't want to be rude, but— hey you
paid your tailor ? If not, before you du, just heave a squint at
this:—
" In Bleecker Street there it a place where forty or fifty dress-coats are let
out ever; evening during the ball season."
Whar is Bleecker Street? you'll say. Wai, Sir, it's in Hew
York. Guess we air the smartest critters in creation, down to
dressin ourselves smart in other critters' clothes. Whar 's the good
of buying a dress-coat, when yon can easy igo and borrow one, and
hev the pick of fifty cusses till you get a fit r You can't wear out a
dress-coat, unless you turn head-waiter, and even then, I guess,
yon '11 find the fashion change a dozen times afore the coat 's wore
out. Wai, and whar 's the good of sinking forty dollars of your
capital in buying such an article, when you can easy git a loan of it
when you 've got an invite ? Better make a loan exhibition of your-
self, and instead of sinking money with your tailor, save up your
spare cash to buy yourself a cobler when you want toe Bqnor up.
Guess if all yon swells in London were to borrow your tail-coats,
you 'd soon have funds in hand toe square our Alabama Claims !
Till when, all-fired old hoss, believe me your expectant creditor and
Cousin, JONATHAN Cum
Broadway.
KO SONG, NO SUPPER!
WE have heard the chimes at midnight, as we entered yonder door.
Rest the soul of HERB VON JOEL ! We shall hear them so no more.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[AUGUST 31, 1872.
THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.
Eligible Bachelor. " SHALL I FOLLOW YOU UP, ANNIE ; OK LEAVE MYSELF JOB LIZZIE ? '
FALSE EDUCATIONAL BASIS.
THE Belfast Rioters, we read, cruelly beat a man " because he
couldn't saj; his prayers." This brutality is the result rather of
false education than of no education at all. Is it not true that every
child among us learns, as part 9f its earliest instruction, that lesson
of intolerant violence taught in that highly immoral but ancient
Nursery Rhyme, Goosey, Goosey Gander t
There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers.
Some difference perhaps between "couldn't" of the Belfast report
and "wouldn't" in the lines above, but the greater blame, there-
fore, for the Rioters.
Well, what follows in these verses? Pity? No. Toleration?
No. What then ? Why a burst of such fury as might have in-
spired the chaunts of lawless fanatics of either party when dominant,
and which MEYERBEER could have set to musie in his Huguenots as
a chorus led by the Protestant Basso MABCEL :—
Take him by the Right leg !
Take him by the Left leg !
Take him by both legs ! I
And throw him down-stairs ! ! !
Train np children on such notions as these, and don't be surprised
if you produce generations of Belfast Rioters.
Alliteration.
SAID ROBINSON to BROWN — " Curious coincidence of W's—
Wellesley, Wellington, Waterloo." "And Wittoria," suggested
BKOWN.
MEET TO KNOW.
WHY is Warwickshire not affected by the high price of meat ?
— Because there is Nuneaton there.
AN AWKWARD ADJECTIVE.
COMMENTON} on the conduct of the Metropolitan Board of Works
in relation to an assault committed by one of their Jacks-in-Office
in rudely seizing by the arm a lady who was botanising on Hamp-
stead Heath, the writer of a letter in the Daily News sets out
thus:—
" On the tenth of June Miss was walking on the public highway,
acrosa Hampstead Heath, and was carrying in her hand eight or ten small
slips of fern, which she had gathered on the heath."
A name in the original letter occupies the place of the bar in the
quotation. The reasons why will be discovered by the sensitive
mind in the statement which succeeds the foregoing : —
"She is a small, frail, deaf lady of fifty-seven years of age."
The publication of the lady's age is one of those reasons, of course.
The description of her by an epithet open to misconstruction is
another. Frailty, thy name is, or may be, what Hamlet says ; but
a mistake would be committed by coupling it, in Hamlet's sense,
with the name of the admirable lady above referred to, a writer to
whom the world is indebted for much sound sense, conveyed in
" Silver Pen " language. The outrage was unpardonable, though
the authorities thought it a very mild one.
Passibus JJSquis.
THE old joke-books (which too many of Mr. Punth's Correspondent* itudy yery
conscientiously) all contain as " Extract from a Country Newspaper"
" ME. dropped down dead, and instantly expired." The fol-
lowing, from a Leeds paper, may as well be inserted in the same
page :—
"A despatch from Belfast states that the carman who was killed in the
demonstration on Thursday is dead."
WHY is a Middle-aged Gentleman like the Athanasian Creed ?-
'Cause he 's a Mediaeval Cuss.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, In the Parish of St. J&mea.ClerkenweH, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing office* of Messrs Bradbury, Brans, A Co., Lombard
Street, In the Precinct of WhUefrlan, in the City of London, and Publiahed by him at No. 86, Fleet Street, in " ~ •
, in the Pariah of St. Bride, City of London.— SATCIDAT, Auguit 31, 1871.
StPTJEMBlH 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
NDU.N
95
AS LANCASTER DOTH SPEAK."
1 Senry IV., Act iii. Sc. 1.
Jack. " BILL, AN YE GOT ONNY 'BAOCO ON YK?" Sill. "NoA."
Jack (to the others). "AN ONNY ON YB ANY ON Y« 1 "
MODERN LEANDERS.
THAT mu»t have been a wonderful scene in the
Channel the other day, when a professional swimmer
was " performing the feat of swimming from Dover to
Calais, accompanied by umpires and representatives of
the Press, together with the lirass IJuud of the Royal
Snrrey Gardens."
The Advertisement was a little misleading in speak-
ing of the Swimmer as "performing the feat," lor he
was able to get through but a small portion of the Straits ;
so, perhaps, there may have been some mistake about the
Umpires, Reporters, and Musicians accompanying him
in his exploit. Otherwise the unusual spectacle of all
these functionaries gallantly breasting the waves of thu
Channel, the Umpires with their insignia of office, the
Reporters with their note-books between their teeth, and
the .Brass Band of the Royal Surrey Gardens, with their
drums and trumpets, trombones and bassoons, playing
Rule Britannia or the National Anthem, must nave
been worth any expenditure of time and money to be-
hold—a sight the oldest inhabitant had never seen before,
and the youngest inhabitant will never see again. 1 he
Sea Serpent ofl Dover would, we imagine, have hardly
caused a greater sensation.
Something Short.
ON consideration, it will appear that the " Intoxicating
Liquors Act " is very happily named. The public-houses
being open, on Sundays especially, for but a limited
number of hours, people will be sure to rush to them
during those hours, in order to get their "drop of
something" while they can. Then] they will also make
the most of their time for drinking, lest they should
want beer, or some other generous beverage, by-and-by,
and not be able to get any. So the majority of them
will be got to take more than is good for them, and they
will become generally more or less drunk. For the
measure of petty tyranny which Ministers have carried
allows sots plenty of time wherein to get drunk on any
day, it only hinders the sober excursionist or other decent
person from taking his draught or meal at convenient
hours. Thus the Intoxicating Liquors Act will indeed
be what its authors have called it ; because the Act will
be intoxicating inasmuch as it will cause the liquors to
intoxicate, which in point of fact they would not do but
for its vexatious and mischievous limitations.
A NICOTLNISED NATION.
THE officious busybodies of the Anti- Tobacco Association are
most of them also numbered with those other officious busybodies,
the members of the United Kingdom Alliance. They are fools as
well as busybodies and officious; fools not to see that, if smoking
and drinking go together, it is by smoking, very mainly, that the
restraint of drinking has been made possible. The practice of
racking has greatly increased of late years among the higher
classes, and with it has increased political apathy. Less than naif
a century ago it was considered low for a gentleman to smoke at all.
Smoking a cigar in the streets was disreputable, and nobody ever
unoked a pipe but a working-man, or a clown. At the same time,
well-to-do people were much more sensitive than they are at
present in many ways; much more indignant with rascality and
blackguardism, and, in particular, very much more intolerant of
tyrannical and unjust legislation. Our forefathers, for example,
would not, and did not, stand an Income-tax longer than it was
absolutely necessary. The present generation has stood that, and
much else, and is now actually standing legislative limitation of the
right to obtain refreshments at reasonable hours. The Pall Mall
(iazette, in an article on " Liberals and Conservatives," observes
that :—
"The Liberal legislation of the next few years is evidently going to be dis-
tinguished by some very formidable peculiarities. It will clearly be to the
last degree coercive. The statutes passed in the last Session perfectly bristle
with penalties. Sobriety, cleanliness, and secret voting are each secured by
making a multitude of acts penal of which the vast majority are innocent,
and some are even laudable."
It will be owing, in a great measure, to the smoking habits of the
community, that Liberals, so calling themselves, and so called by
the unwise, will be enabled to proceed in the path of coercive legis-
lation. That is, unless the smokers rouse themselves and exert their
nicotinised and narcotised energies. The fashion is now to take
everything easy, and lie down under the load of every new imposi-
tion, only grumbling a little or using a word or two of strong
language. JOHN BULL has grown as patient as an Ass that has not
the spirit to kick. It seems, indeed, as though JOHW BULL had be-
come JOHN Ox. The people undergo the operation of losing their
liberties under tobacco instead of chloroform.
It is too much trouble for the generality to resist the encroach-
ment pushed on by an energetic majority of meddlers. The " Per-
missive Prohibitory Bill " will, unless the drowsy majority bestir
themselves, very soon be enacted, and supersede the Intoxicating
Liquors Act. Then will come absolute prohibition of the liquor
traffic, and last of all, when smoke shall have done its work, the
Anti-Tobacco Society will be enabled to .accomplish their base
purpose, abolish the agency which has subserved their end, and take
our cigars and quids out of our mouths. In the mean time they are
doing themselves no good, and others no harm. For it is harm
to deprive a moderate smoker of the comfort of his tobacco, just
as it is, in the case of a sober man, to rob a poor man of his beer.
But, if out of so much smoke as overclouds this land some fire
does not soon and fiercely flare up against the Paternal Legislative
Prigs who have partially reduced us in point of liberty to the state
of pupilage, we shall all wake up some foul morning, and see not
only all the public-houses and wine-merchants', and wine-licensed
grocers' places of business, but likewise all the tobacconists' shops,
closed in our faces. Put that in your pipes, and smoke it. We may
be bilious, but our moral's right, " all the same."
Interesting to Exhibitors.
IT is announced that the "Claimant" is shortly to be shown in
the Agricultural Hall. But we believe that the usual arrangements
will, in other respects, be retained. The prizes for fat beasts will
not be given until December.
TO COHBESrONDENTS.
BITTER Ale is not an Intoxicating Liquor,
inebriates.
It neither cheers nor
VOL. LXIII.
96
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.
NEW TO ME.
AM forty-sir years of age.
and this is the first time I
have been abroad. The
last Census returns, which
give some interesting de-
tails of the number of per-
sons possessing a cellar of
old port, a tortoiseshell
a public gaming-table, and a pair of wooden shoes. I have com-
pared mine with those of three other householders residing in the
South-Eastern, Northern, and Western postal districts, and they
all vary, in seme cases as much as the tenth of an inch.
Great uncertainty seems to prevail abroad as to the proper spelling
of the word Beefsteak. The Philological Society would do well
to placard the Continent with large bills supplying the necessary
information. " Sherry Gobler," " Punsch," and " Waux-hall," are
also worthy of the Council's attention.
I am breakfasting in an open gallery on the top of a cheap and
comfortable little inn in the Taunus, surrounded by chestnut groves
and orchards, and overlooking a spacious plain, a great city, and an
horizon of mountains. What is my friend PENNYMAN doing at this
Tom-cat, and a yellow
' t _. mv,,,i,n,r, norizon 01 mouuiaiim. vriiai, is my ineiiu rjsjN.-siMAN uomg at uus
instances of men who have mom?n(. ^ hi8 town_house ? H/is drudging at an article on the
F- kin g middle ^^ j meeting Of jne British Association, or the Autumn Manoeuvres, in a
without making the Chan-
nel voyage, and
mostly in remote
those
small upper chamber, surrounded by public-houses and pawn-
brokeries, and commanding a prospect of _a Workhouse, a City
t
of the Royal Geographical I
Society, if I were to select
Greenland, or Persia, or
one of the Poles, ascend the Grand Climacterique, or trace the
Zumalcarragui to its lonely source— perhaps, best of all, join
LIVINGSTONE and share his honours when he returns home ? Igno-
rance of his language before an African waiter is far more excusable
than an utter inability to make known the commonest wants of daily
life to gardens and kellners ; and signs and smiles and beads go a
long way in uncivilised circles. (I might stand some chance of being
listened to, when the vacation is over, if I could say that I had been
to the Canaries, and were to make presents to my friends of the
feathered songsterslindigenous to those islands.)
Some slight acquaintance with modern geography is indispensable
to the traveller abroad. It leads to confusion to expect a view of
the Alps when they are two or three countries off, and to look for
sea-bathing in Germany can only end in disappointment. I have
been careful to distinguish between the Rhine and the Rhone, and
can now never forget that there are two places of the name of
Frankfort— Frankfort on the Main, and the Oder Frankfort. A
few portable facts about CHARLEMAGNE, the Romans, the Electors,
the Thirty Years' War, the Old Masters, the Old Red Sandstone,
Gothic Architecture, &c., will also be found useful.
I had no mal de nier. My specific was a simple and inexpensive
one, capable of universal application, and requiring no stamp or
other formalities ; and having derived the greatest benefit from its
use, I make it known without hope of fee or reward, for the gene-
ral good. I avoided all disagreeable thoughts. I did not allow my
• T j i no • i • . it • f . t . . * i _i • ?
rural ' Church, and an horizon of chimney-pots. PENNYMAN has not the
wasps, I allow, but then he has neither the omelette nor the " Mira-
tfll lingers i and belle" Plum8' (N-B> The exact geographical position of the Inn,
„ I as laid down on the Ordnance Maps, its distance from the nearest
18 letter-box, &c., will be imparted to anyone forwarding two sealed
the one _ containing a distinguishing motto, the other the
at forty-six, and then only
to visit such familiar coun-
tries as Belgium and Ger-
many, seems to promise
but little distinction.
Should I not be surer of a
niche in the Temple of
Fame, and a chance of
obtaining one of the medals
not altogether extinct.
To set up as a traveller e
^ t~,t.r .;; „„,} t^o,, «T,I,T ! writer's name, address, and position in society. References will be
given and exchanged, and an appointment made for an early date,
if they are found satisfactory.)
IGNORAMUS.
SHIRT-SLEEVES AND APRONS.
OF public speakers accustomed to talk of and to working-men,
MB. ROEBUCK is almost the only one who does not cant about them,
and does not adulate them, nor call them the People, with a great P.
In his late speech at the opening dinner of the St. Peter's Working-
Men's Club, at Sheffield, he had a word to say for another class,
equally well qualified and entitled with working-men to be con-
sidered the People, and to govern us all. He spoke up also for the
small shopkeepers, and, dwelling on the advantages which would
result from facilities for associating together afforded to the men of
aprons and the men of shirt-sleeves, he remarked that —
"He wished to see the working- man make himself a part of this great
country, and not an antagonist portion of it. (Cheers.) He was sure he
might say that the gentlemen he saw before him at the table so elegantly laid,
might be, for aught he could see, Members of the House of Commons sitting
down to dinner. (Lnughter.) What was there in the career of the working-
man or small shopkeeper that should render it impossible that they should sit
down to a genteel dinner ? What he hoped (though he could not hope to see
it now, but what he hoped would come to pass at no very distant day) was
that the working-man should be in his dealings, in Ms demeanour, and in
every order of me, a gentleman. (Applause.)"
Exactly so. There is no reason why the working-men or the small
shopkeepers should either drop or superadd their aitches, except
defective education, which deficiency, let us hope, is in course of
being supplied. " Manners," as WILLIAM OF WYKEHAJU'S motto
says, " makyth man," and by manners the gentleman is differen-
tiated from the other kind of man whom we call Cad or Snob.
Perhaps the time is not far distant when the manners of an average
small grocer or carpenter will at least equal those of an ordinary
„ _...„... , curate, and will very much exceed those of the least uncivil
to dwell for a single instant on the price of coals, or the divi- j clerk in the Civil Service. We may live to hear a Judge address
sions in the Church, or MR. AYRTON, or domestic servants, or trades- • Petty Jurymen at an Assize as " Gentlemen of the Jury " without
men's bills, or, above all, on the return to official duties in the month any idea that his Lordship is ironical. When the mechanic and the
of September. There was a critical moment when I feared the worst,
for, very imprudently, I got thinking of the luggage.
Patent leather shoes are not conducive to personal comfort on" the
small shopkeeper shall each of them have attained to the perfection
of being, as MH. ROEBUCK says, " in his dealings, in his demeanour,
and in every order of life, a gentleman," both the former and the
._ __ . .. _. _ _ . .1.1 in iii c Y ci y ui >n"i wj. i lie, a, gcu.Lrj.ciu.AUj uuvu uuv AWI IU.VA U.*JIM. uuo
deck of a Channel steamer, on a rough wet night. The great German ' latter of those free and independent British electors will be as fit to
ontologist, ScHUMACHEKj laid this down as a dictum long ago, and exercise political power as the former of them alone is so constantly
modern experience, bearing date July 30, 1872, confirms the accuracy | and vehemently declared to be by blatant demagogues,
of bis deduction.
I felt there was still a link left between me and the old country
when I received a penny in change on the coast of Belgium. It is
at the disposal of the first street-sweeper who shall meet me on my
return to London, I having missed his services in foreign countries.
I detect a point of resemblance between myself and SHAKSPEARE,
which all the commentators have overlooked. He, we know from
competent authority, had " small Latin and less Greek." I have
email French and no German. Other striking resemblances to
MILTON, ADDISON, MUNQO PARK, SIH JOHN MAUNDEVTLLE, RICHARD
HAKLUTT, ROBINSON CKUSOE, and many additional tourists of emi-
nence, may be had on application to the publishers, and will be
detailed, on my return to London, in a paper to be read at the first
general meeting of the Travellers' Club which shall be held after
my election into that body.
I advise everybody to register their emotions on seeing for the
first time a mountain, a monk, a vine, a douanier, a garyon,
Hint to Churchwardens.
WITHOUT going into theology, one may say it stands to reason
that, whether real Roman Catholicism is true or untrue, sham
Roman Catholicism is false. Whatever may be the correctness of
DK. CUMMINO'S opinion of the genuine Mass, the Mock Mass must at
any rate be flat idolatry, or rather fetichism. In a church, there-
fore, where a Ritualist Parson persists in annoying his Protestant
parishioners by having incense burnt, there could not possibly be
any impropriety in putting up the notice :— " No Smoking Allowed
Abaft the Altar."
COMPANION Picture to My Lodging is on the Cold Ground: —
My Luncheon is off the Cold Grouse.
SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
)\DO:
97
A PHILOSOPHER'S PET.
WHAT a pretty tale
was once told by a
learned Fellow of a
certain University and
College, when, being
then an Undergradu-
ate, he informed a
young lady, in the
course of conversation
about and concerning
"Pet«," that a man
of hie acquaintance
had a pet tel, which
he ktpt with a silver
collar round its neck,
and it was so tame
that it used to follow
him about, until at
last the Master of the
College ordered it to
be killed, for having
crept after its owner
into chapel, and cre-
ated a disturbance
during Divine service !
Nearly as good a story,
with the advantage of
verity and ocular
proof besides, was told
by SIB JOHN LUBBOCK
at one of the late
meetings of the British
Association, whereat
that eminent Philoso-
i>hi r, Politician, and
Banker entertained
his hearers with an
extremely interesting
account of a tame Wasp." Forestalling, at the same time, any query which
scepticism might otherwise have suggested, and precluding all possibility of
even mental reference, among sages and sagesses, to a person of the lower orders
named WALKER, the learned gentleman of Lombard Street and St. Stephen's
" produced the beast," if we may call a Wasp a beast, as many people do when
it stings them ; and lo, it was tame, and did not sting anybody-
It was a clever thing, certainly, to tame a Wasp, but a feat not altogether
unprecedented. The once celebrated "Industrious Fleas" presented similar
instances of tractability in insect life. Our other unbidden bedfellows, of the
entomological sort, at watering-place lodging-houses, are perhaps capable of
being rendered equally industrious, and it would be well for UB if they could all
be brought up to practise some branch of industry, and thus prevented from
living on their more highly organised, but blood relations. SIR JOHN LUBBOCK
could perhaps do it. He is probably as good a hand at taming coleopterous as
at taming lepidopterous insects ; he could very likely also tame cockroaches,
black-beetles, cockchafers, lady-birds, and insects of every other description as
well : earwigs, woodluces, devil's-coach-horses, scolopendras, spiders, centipedes,
and scorpions.
If he can tame a wasp, he can tame a dragon-fly. He could tame a daddy-
long-legs, and, but that insects are mute, might possibly, if he liked, induce
Old Daddy-Long- Legs to say his prayers.
It is quite imaginable that he might tame a gnat, a mosquito, or a mite, and
not at all ridiculous to conceive him taming a rotifer or a iibrio.
The man who is able to tame a wasp is d fortiori able to tame a hornet,
because the hornet is bigger, dears. He might, then, if he made it his business,
tame any number of hornets. Peradventure he could tame a whole nest. Now,
then, on the next vacancy, he should be appointed Lord Lieutenant of Ireland.
It is within the bounds of supposition that he would manage to pacify the Irish
hornets' nest. He is a Liberal sufficiently advanced for the purposes of any
leader, except, perhaps, MR. DISBAELI. To be sure, SIR JOHN LUBBOCK is
a gentleman, and a man of extraordinary attainments in science, so that
he could not be expected to cherish a contempt for "philosophers," still less to
behave with disc urtesy and insolence to a distinguished botanist, or any other
scientific man, as well as to everybody else. But, at least for the Viceroyalty
of Ireland, if the Wasp-Tamer were disposed to undertake that office, the
colleagues of EARL SPENCER would perhaps deem brutality not essential.
Question for Contemporaries.
Ora contemporaries continue to announce a murder as a Tragedy. If murder
is tragedy, then, by parity of expression, marriage is comedy. Why not, then,
head an account of a marriage in high life, for example, with "Comedy in
Hanover Square " ?
THE AUTUMN OLOGIES.
WHO rejoices in pears and in plums,
And in universal knowledge, he
Must be glad when the season comes
Of omne quod exit in ology,
Of philosophers' meetings and fruit,
Of science and sociology,
And that mouldy but learned pursuit,
By the title of archaeology,
Which, as COLONEL Fox pointed out,
Is a branch of anthropology.
That's a subject that's full of doubt,
And the Sages ignore phrenology.
But a study they all admit
Is the one that is named biology,
Though another term, full as fit
For the same, is physiology ;
Branch of a larger trunk :
Of the learning hight zoology.
These hard names would embarrass the " tight,"
For example, Descriptive Ethnology.
And then there are many more,
That tax dunces' etymology,
By the fair mostly deemed a bore ;
Entomology and conchology.
To which you may also add
If yon like to, ornithology,
Which some fellows pursue like mad,
As some others do ichthyology.
Now every science on hand
Has" with every other analogy.
Astronomy, thus, understand
Has relation to mineralogy.
For spectral analysis prove*
Things unforetold by Astrology,
Round the sun while this planet moves
In spite of the POPE'S mythology.
He will have to explain some few
Particulars of ontology ;
They will else be seen clearly through
To be husks of terminology.
In anatomy there's much use
In attention to homology :
But we shouldn't be too diffuse :
And we ought to shun tautology ;
And the Rationalistic School
May say that for their neology —
But respect we the wise men's rule,
Which from Science excludes theology.
TEETH AND OYSTERS.
ALDERMAN LAWBKNCK, M.P. : "Prisoner JOHN NELSON,
you were ill-treating a woman, and a gentleman inter-
fered. You tried to kick him brutally, and you dashed
your fist into his face. You knocked one tooth out on
the pavement, and broke the sockets of three others into
splinters, which are not yet extracted. He Had to un-
dergo an operation at once, and will not be able to eat
solid food for weeks. I sentence you to seven days'
imprisonment, with hard labour."— 2(WA August.
CHAIRMAN OF MIDDLESEX SESSIONS : "Prisoner SYDNEY
BBOOKER, you have been found guilty of stealing three
oysters, the property of your employers. Of course you
meant to take more. I sentence you to twelve months'
imprisonment with hard labour."— 27th Augutt,
Untrustworthy Memoir.
(From an Ultramontane Journal.')
" CARDINAL QUAOOIA has ceased to require a red hat, or any
other. The lamented ecclesiastic wan formerly known a* COLONEL
UCAGO. In early life he was obtrutirely secular, but he wa» con-
verted to some kind of religion by a teacher whoae enterprise and
zeal have been commemorated in one of MR. G. A. SALA'S
missionary papers, and subsequently embracing Catholicinn,
COLONEL QUAGO rose to be CARDINAL QUAOOIA. Tlii« i«
another evidence of "
BOTHER ! We don't believe a word of it.
93
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 187 A
CEREMONY.
I HOPE YOU WILL EXCUSE MY NOT HAVING CALLED— THE DISTANCE, YOTT KNOW ! PERHAPS
" WELL, OOOD-BYF, DEAR MRS. JONES.
YOU WILL KINDLY TAKK THIS AS A VISIT ? "
" 0, CERTAINLY ! AND PERHAPS YOU WILL KINDLY TAKK THIS AS A VlSIT RETURNED ? " ! 1
HABITS OF M.P.'S.
(Described by our own Observer.)
MR. GLADSTONE is in the habit of never sitting down to dinner
without having three courses before him.
MB. CHILDEKS, since his late election, keeps his spare hat in a
ballot-box.
ME. LOWE, though publicly penurious, is privately most generous,
and is especially in the habit of giving guineas to street-beggars and
of overpaying cabmen.
MB. WHALLEY carries a miniature of His Holiness the POPE, set
in diamonds and rubies, in his left-hand breast pocket.
MB. BRUCE, when he has landed a remarkably fine salmon, is in
the habit of petitioning himself to grant it a reprieve and throwing
it in the stream again.
MB. DISRAELI never passes an old-clothesman without giving him
a lecture on the Semitic races.
MB. SPEAKER is in the habit of catching his own eye every
morning in the looking-glass, and of addressing himself in a neat
speech on the occasion.
MB. AYRTON is so liberal in encouraging the Arts, that he never
sees an artist chalking mackerels on the pavement without throwing
him a halfpenny.
MR. GOSCHEN, when he gets a few spare minutes to himself, sets
to work to box the compass and dance the sailor's hornpipe.
MB. MIALL never uses the old proverb "As poor as a church
mouse" without adding, with marked emphasis, "after dis-
establishment."
MB. CARDWEIX, to show his skill in military manoeuvres, is
frequently in the habit of pipeclaying his white kids, when they get
a little dirty.
MB. GLLPIN is so ardent against capital punishment that he will
not allow a ham to be seen hanging in nis larder.
SIR WILFBID LAWSON never passes a street-fountain without
drinking at it.
LORD ELCHO, whenever he goes into a nursery, is in the habit of
volunteering to inspect the movements of the infantry.
A GOOD USE FOR COURAGE.
MB. PUNCH,
SIB,— In the Times of 26th August appears the following
paragraph, in an account of a futile attempt by a swimmer named
JOHNSON (who is described "as one of the finest-built men it is
possible to see ") to swim from England to France : —
" At 11 '45 he approached the steamer and requested something to eat, ask-
ing whether he might come on board. Ma. STRANGE, seeing that in conse-
quence of the strong tide, &c., his chance of reaching the French coast was
quite hopeless, thought it advisable he should do so. "When assisted on de,;k
it was found that his legs, from the thighs downwards, were numbed ; the
circulation of the blood seemed to have almost stopped— in fact, the cold had
so thoroughly mastered the system that he was unable to raise a basin of
beef- tea to his lips."
If the circulation of the blood had quite stopped, what then ?
Now, Mr. Punch, this brave man risked his life for the benefit of
some betting "Gents"— the match being for a wager of two
thousand to sixty pounds— and also for the enjoyment of Music
Hall Sensationers ; and I humbly submit to you, Sir, that swimming
being an unsectarian amusement (testified by the fact that two
deceased swimmers, who did not trouble themselves about creeds — to
wit, LEANDER and LORD BTRON — both swam across the Hellespont),
the London School Board should retain the gallant JOHNSON, at a
very liberal salary, to educate the poor London boys who attend the
schools, in the noble art of swimming.
By so doing, the School Board would enable the gallant JOHNSON
to be instrumental in saving the lives of thousands, instead of risk-
ing his own ; and if you, Sir, will make your order in Council for
carrying out this proposition, you will greatly oblige a large multi-
tude who might otherwise become
FATHERLESS OB WIDOWS.
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SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
101
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Antwerp.
0 MY Aunt, who has found a
letter for her at the H6tel St.
Antoine, won't stop at Antwerp, aa
she tells me CAPTAIN QUORTESFUE
(Dixon's Johnsonary, as before),
has been to take lodgings for her
at A ix, and will meet us at the
Station to-day.
She is very sorry not to be able
to stay here, as " I recollect," she
says to me, "having seen, years
ago, in a book when I was a child
— and they did give us some really
good and instructive children's
books then, such as Whatshis-
name's — you know — Tralliver's
0 uvula, and that about the two
boys — dear me, what was it ?
—0, I merember, of course, it was
FORTNUM and MASON " — gasp,
and sufficient pause for me to
suggest,
You mean SAXDFOBD and MER-
TOW, Aunt."
" Yes. I said SASDPORD and
MERTON, didn't I ? At all evente,
yon know what I meant. And it was there, because it is memored in
myl markery, that I saw pictures of the Antwerpities of Tiquip,
some churches and other buildings which existed long before those
which in our country came over with Collum the Winkerer."
During the journey (vti Maestricht to Aix-la-Chapelle) she is
constantly asking me, " Now, are we in Belgany or in Gergium ? "
She insists upon inquiring of various railway officials at every
Station, " Do we change here ?" and is very much startled at the
apparition of the Guard's face at the window while the train is in
motion. For a minute, having heard of such things in some foreign
countries, she fancies the train is in the hands of brigands, who are
demanding " Your money, or your life ! " at all the carriage-windows.
She now produces a Conversation Book in several languages, which
she sets to work to study. Suddenly she asks me if I " merember
Miss GLYMPHYN— not CHARLOTTE, who married, but Miss ETHEL—
and her sisters FANDA and Lnmr P " No, I don't. Of course, I am
aware she means FANNT and LINDA, but I don't know them even
by their own proper names. Somehow, I don't care about them. I
have a sort of recollection of having met the GLYMPHYNS a long
time ago, and finding them three young ladies with a very decided
opinion on everything. They didn't care about anything in par-
ticular, and rather disliked everybody. I remember telling their
father, or uncle, a story which, up to that moment, I had always
considered highly amusing, but which was received by them with
such marked coldness and such surprised glances from one to the
other, that, although their father, or uncle, smiled in feeble depre-
cation of my having ventured upon such a subject, I felt (I
remember it as vividly as if it were only the day before yesterday)
I should like to be rolled up in a blanket and taken away out
of the front-door ; and, failing any such removal, either by these
means, or by a sudden severe illness which should have aroused
their pity, I at once relapsed into silence and mental cynicism. I
debated with myself, after dinner, whether I should retire early, or
stay till they liked me.
Happy Thought^ (on that occasion). — I remember the hideous fiend
of a Bottle Imp, in the play of that name, saying to the trembling
German maiden, " You must learn to love me." Same idea now.
* * Old GLYMPHYN, I remember now, detained me down-stairs
with the wine, as if I should be all the better for keeping when
I went up into the drawing-room, and then gave me a very strong
cigar and some liqueur ; and while we were engaged on these, the
servant entered to say that " Mrs. and the young ladies, as the
gentlemen hadn't come up, had gone to bed." I can perfectly
realise what their impression about me must have been next morn-
ing. I was added to their list of the OJious, and I '11 be bound
that that wretched Old GLYMPIIYN apologised for his own absence
from the drawing-room by laying the entire blame on my sheul-
ders, if he didn't absolutely receive the thanks of the ladies for
delaying me from joining them up-stairs. So altogether (now I come
to think of it) I don't care about the GLTMPHYNS.
My Aunt looks up from her Conversation Book (in three languages)
to inform me that the GLTMPHYNS are very musical. " LDTDA,"
she says, "is really quite talented in that way, and I believe has
studied under the best masters ; one was a German who used to
perform on two instruments, he played, if I merember, on the guano
—I mean the guitar and the piano— equally well."
After a few minutes' further study ot the three-languaged Conver-
sation Book, my Aunt, who is beginning to show signs of fatigue,
says, that, " if I don't mind, she '11 take off her boots, as she 's heard
that to bootle without trats is so very foothening and sereshing ; "
and, before I 've a word to say on the subject, they are off. So is
her travelling hat as well.
Happy Thought. — We 've a cnupf all to ourselves.
If we hadn't, what would foreigners think ? And if they expressed
what they thought, and I understood them, wouldn't I be bound to
quarrel with them • But to quarrel abroad is to be.'engaged, before
you know where you are, in a duel.
Happy Thought. — Nut to understand what they say.
Meditating upon the subject, it would sound well in England to hear
that I 'd been called out, and went. That I "d fallen in a duel. Then
would come the question in a Club smoking-room probably, " What
did he fight about ? ' Then the answer would be, " My dear fellow,
what da men fight about? Some woman, I suppose." Then the
well-informed man, who always knows all about it whatever it is,
breaks in upon the conversation with, " You were talking about poor
old " then he'd call me by my Christian name (and I 'm sap-
posing myself dead and buried in some retired Continental church-
yard) ; " well," he 'd go on, " poor old fellow, he was a stupid ass to
go out and fight with a Prussian, all about his Aunt, too ! — I'll tell
you how it was—" then he'd recount it in such a quaint style,
bringing out all the humorous points in detail, that at last the
funniest stock story of the Club-room would be, How Old So-and-So
(myself) went out, and fought for his Aunt, and fell in a duel.
I hope," says my Aunt, presently, " that CAPTAIW UDORTBOTITE
has taken lodgings where they speak French or English, as I shall
never be able to get on in German. French," she gays, with pride,
" will do perfectly."
Happy Thought.— My Aunt's French. Parn^ais votu farltz.
(Dixon's French Johnsonary for Travellers.)
She is very much troubled too about the coinage. It flashes across
her in the train while she is studying the tables at the end of Brad-
thaw, and in the Conversation Book. Bank-notes, she supposes, will
go everywhere. I reply, ' ' Yes, certainly ; and go pretty quickly, too ."
At the next Station my Aunt startles me with an exclamation, and
seizes her boots so energetically, that, at first, I imagine either that
she is going; to hurl them at the Guard's head, on its appearing for
the sixth time at our window, or that we are at Aix sooner than
we had expected. On my inquiring the reason for this preparation
on her part, she only looks out of window and telegraphs to some
one (not with her boots, thank goodness, as she has now put them
on) whom I can't see, calling out, " Here ! we 'ye one seat, if you 're
alone." Then, drawing 'her head in, "and turning to me, she says,
" It's Mas. MosiPisoN.9'
Happy Thought.— BERTHA MOMPISON, the youngest.yi think. I
have not seen her for — well — let me see— a long time. When last
we met, at BOODELS' little place by the sea-side which he called The
Crook, we— that is BERTHA and myself— were rather together than
not. It recurs to me now (while MRS. M. is settling herself in our
coupS, and she takes so much settling, that I wish these seats were
divided into three arm-chairs) that Miss BERTHA and I had> very
pleasant drive together, after a pio-nic, in the autumn. That,
somehow, we had lost our party at that pic-nio and were obliged to
take the only remaining trap, which was a pony-chaise, left at the
inn, without a servant. That, somehow [It always is somehow "
in these cases, and explanation is impossible], I remember driving
a good deal with the right hand, and not using the whip, being very
careful not to tire the pony, and going very gently up-hill. But
when we got back to BOODELS' little place, where all the party were
at supper, it occurred to me
Happy Thought.— To let Miss BERTHA go in first and face it.
She was perfectly equal to the occasion, and commenced by attacking;
them for deserting her. Then I came in— when I say " came " in, I
mean, as far as I recollect, that I rather sidled in — and sat down
unobtrusively.
Happy Thought (on this memorable occasion], — Keep quiet at first.
Also be excessively polite and pleasant to every one, not on any
account sitting near Miss BERTHA. • • • I remember all this per-
fectly • • • and I remember {during that BOODELS' week by the sea)
somebody coming, suddenly, into the drawing-room where we were
(BERTHA and I again), and stupidly begging our pardon and 'going
away, when Miss BERTHA wouldn't on any account hear of it, and
intimated that she particularly wanted this Noodle's opinion on a
song, referring to another opinion, which I was supposed to have
already given on the same subject ; whereupon I looked as musical
as possible, and said, " Yes, certainly," and was very glad when
the Noodle was despatched, as he soon was, to see if Mrs. Somebody
or other was in the garden or the conservatory, or had gone down
to the beach. * * * And also I remember how, at the breaking np
of BOODELS' party, we told each other where we were likely to be
the next week, and the week after that, and how we haven't met
again, or heard of one another (at least as far as I know), for a
ear or more. I venture, now, to inquire after Miss BERTHA.
RS. MOKFISON says she is at Aix, where she, MRS. MOJIPISOX,
102
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.
I \
\
. — r^
*> x i '-cL. r'o"'-" -tv\i
BRITISH FIRMNESS.
(Example for Tourists at present pervading (he Oontinong.)
SCENE — Court-yard of Foreign Hotel.
English Lady (on low wall, trying to get on Horse, which slips out of reach, sideways, at every attempt to mount), " Now, BEING HIM
BOUND AGAIN. AND DO STAND CLOSER UP TO HIM, CHARLES ! Il 's NO USE TO GIVE WAY!" [CharUs wisllCS she Would I
is staying for the benefit of her health. As her family are unaware
of her sudden return by this train, her daughters will not be at the
Aix Station to meet her.
Happy Thought. — Glad of it. Shouldn't like to meet Miss
BERTHA, after so long an absence, when I 'm begrimed with dust,
and my hands feel as if they 'd been washed in weak gum, and had
then been brushed lightly over with road-dnst and coal-dust mixed.
Happy Thought (in travelling always). — Old Gloves.
EXEMPLARY HEATHEN.
THE Pall Mall Gazette, quoting the Surveyor-General's report
upon the geographical results of the Looshai Expedition, informs us
that :—
"An intricate tract of hill and valley, drained partly northwards by
affluents of the Barak, the river of Cachar, partly by southward-flowing
streams that go to swell the rivers of Chittagong and Arracan, debouching on
the east of the Bay of Bengal, it is inhabited by a number of distinct tribes
apparently of common origin, but now differentiated in dialect and customs.
Though exhibiting some of the moral traits of the savage, they seem to enjoy
much physical comfort of a rude kind. One characteristic struck all ob-
servers. The women of these tribes, alone of all native women with whom
we are acquainted, do not put rings in their ears or noses, nor pull out their
eyebrows, nor blacken their teeth, nor put wooden spoons in their under-lips,
nor otherwise, having given them one face, make themselves another. It is
even recorded that coloured chintzes failed to excite their cupidity."
The native women, who diner so much as those above referred to
from our own, have probably not as yet experienced the benefit of
missionary enterprise. It may be presumed that they are what the
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY would call heathen, although, doubt-
less, their persuasion would not by any means be considered by that
estimable Prelate as included under the head of " heathenism of the
worst class." His Grace would probably even admit that, as regards
their own sex at any rate, the communications of those heathen
would be not altogether evil, but would, on the contrary, promote
instead of corrupting good manners. Their example might suggest
to some of the more sensible of our girls, servant and other, that it
would be a great deal better for them not to wear false hair, not to
paint their faces, and not to insert in their ears the same kind of
ornaments as those which swineherds are accustomed to stick in the
noses of pigs.
"ARE ALL THE PEOPLE MAD?"
Shakspeare.
WHAT sudden ungrammatical fit has seized a pensive public ?
Mr. Punch has received during the week about thirty copies of the
following advertisement from the Times. Some of his corre-
spondents ask what it means, some make bad jokes on ghosts and
the like, and all seem to think that there is a mystery. Well,
read it :—
QUEBEC.— The Widow of an Officer in the GOth Rifles, who, about
1859, went to Quebec, and there died soon after, will HEAR of SOME-
THING to'HER great ADVANTAGE by applying to MR. POLLAXY, Private
Inquiry Office.
There may be a mystery, but Mr. Punch fails to perceive it. The
announcement is plain English. An officer who went to Quebec,
left a widow, whose attention is invited. Where 's the muddle ?
MR. POLIAKY sometimes astonishes us, but here he has simply
penned a business-like notification. Mr. Punch's opinion regarding
certain of the public, shall be again Shaksperianically conveyed : —
" I dare not call them fools, but this I think ;
When they are thirsty, fools would fain have drink."
The fact is, Mr. Punch has taught the public to be so critical that
it uow tries to pick people up before they fall down.
SEPTEMBEH 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
103
REGRETS.
Lean Gormandiser. " I BAT, JACK, DO YOU RECOLLECT A CERTAIN SADDLE or
FOUR- YEAR-OLD WELSH MUTTON WK HAD AT TOM BRISKET'S ONI SUNDAY
AFTERNOON ABOUT THIS TIME LAST YKAE ? "
Fat Ditto. "I SHOULD THINK I DID!"
(Pause.)
Lean Gormandiser. " THAT WAS A SADDLK OF MUTTON, JACK ! "
Fat Ditto. " AH ! WASN'T rr ! "
(Long Pause.)
Lean Gormandiser. " I OFTEN WISH I 'D TAKEN ANOTHER SLICK OF THAT
SADDLB OF MUTTON, JACK ! "
A CENSOESHIP COMING.
IN Paris, it seems, no paper can publish a caricature
without receiving the permission of the person to be
caricatured 1 See, my contemporaries, to what a pass
the predominance of democratic ideas has brought the
French. The idea of being obliged to ask a man's leave
before yon are allowed to publish a caricature of him !
Xot that Punch would personally mind a law placing
him under such an obligation, for his caricatures all,
as Ma. O'BuAi.i.v.ii \.\ says, represent imaginary per-
sons : that is to say, he caricatures nobody. His por-
traits all highly flatter those whom they are intended
for : so that they give the reverse of offence, and pleaso
much more than the very best photographs can. He,
for his part, would care nothing for such a law as far
as it went, liut restriction as to caricatures would, here
in England, soon be followed by other restrictions on the
liberty of publication which would seriously affect you,
my dear contemporaries. Restriction has begun to fol-
low restriction in this heretofore land of liberty. Right
after right is made taxable or penal.
If you choose to stand by and see this sort of thing
done without noticing it otherwise than by otiose com-
ment, or mild protest, or even with acquiescence or
actual approval, your turn will come next, my bucks.
You will have restrictions imposed on the freedom of
the Press. The law of libel is bad enough, administered
as it is by judges who advise juries to give substantial
damages to an ass written down an ass, a quack de-
nounced as a quack, or a scoundrel proclaimed a
scoundrel. There is sufficient sympathy with rascals
and impostors (not to name any individual) in Parlia-
ment to render the Legislature quite capable of enacting
statutes devised to restrain, still more strictly and effectu-
ally than the law of libel does, journalists from speaking
out. The Liberty of Unlicensed Printing will follow in
being curtailed the Liberty of Unlicensed Drinking.
The Trees will also be subjected to a Licensing Act.
That is the Nemesis which will descend upon public
writers for not having spoken out when they ought to
have, and not having resisted as they should have
resisted, by argument, invective, ridicule, satire, sar-
casm, and every possible variety of censure, vitupera-
tion, and abuse, the encroachments which have been
made upon personal liberty by sumptuary and sectarian
legislation subservient to Sabbatarian and Teetotal
Fanatics, Brutes, and Bores. Look out for a Censorship.
Proverbial Fallacy.
A STTTCH in time does not always gave nine. It
never effects so much as the saving of a single one
when it occurs to a person, how soon after the start
soever, in running up-hilL
WHY I AM STAYING IN TOWN.
BECAUSE I wish to satisfy myself, from personal observation,
how far the traditional belief as to the emptiness of London at this
season of the year is founded on fact.
Because it is a pleasure to be able to take walking exercise in the
streets and admire the public buildings, unimpeded by crowds,, and
without the risk of being run over at the principal crossings.
Because the theatres and other places of public amusement now
open are not so numerous as to make selection embarrassing, and I
can visit them in greater comfort.
Because I can have my choice of the chairs in the park.
Because I am anxious to superintend personally the repairs neces-
sary to be done to the scullery.
Because I have been everywhere.
Because London in the months of August and September suits me
better than any other place.
Because I dislike railways, steamboats, the care of luggage, the
contention with hotel-keepers, lodgings, commissionnaires, and
sight-seeing.
Because I miss home comforts wherever I go.
Because ERNEST has just commenced Greek, and it is requisite
that I should superintend his evening studies.
Because my wife wishes to be near her mother.
Because it is important that I should attend a special meeting of
the British and Foreign Patent Improved Umbrella, Parasol, and
Sunshade Company.
Because that .traitor ARirrnoETE, whe engaged last year to ac-
company me to Cocklemouth, _has preferred a wedding excursion
with another companion to Switzerland.
Because I wish to explore the Thames Embankment, to visit
Bethnal Green Museum and St. Thomas's Hospital, and to devote
some time to a thorough and leisurely inspection of the Prince Con-
sort's Memorial.
Because I have long wanted to make excursions to Kew, the
Banks of the Thames, the Surrey Hills, and the recesses of Epping
Forest.
Because I am anxious to investigate the family pedigree at the
British Museum.
Because my brother-in-law is expected home from California, and
I feel that it is incumbent on me to co-operate with the other mem-
bers of his family in according him a suitable reception.
Because I am short of money.
What Else Did He Do P
So ! the Bakers will strike, and each Mater, dismayed,
Must look out for her private purveyor, or sutler : _
There 's a toast will go frequently round, we 're afraid ;
" A health to KING PHAHAOH, who pardoned the — Butler."
FEAST OF ST. PARTRIDGE.
THE First of September this year fell on a Diet ffon. "The
Birds," if they have Aristophanic proclivities, will proclaim them-
selves Sabbatarians.
104
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 7, 1872.
EDUCATION.
\
Squire. "HoBSON, THE? TELL MB YOU'VE TAKEN TOUR EOT AWAY FROM THE NATIONAL Scaooi. WHAT'S THAT FOR?"
Villager. "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN I " Squire. " 0, I'VK BEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD HASTBB."
Villager. "WELL, ALL I KNOWS is, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL ''TATERS' WITH A 'P'll!"
PROFESSIONAL CHARGES.
ME. PUNCH has rarely seen anything much more business-like
than the following document, which has been sent him from
Australia. He is not made aware of the circumstances, and most
likely the Clergyman who gives in this estimate for Clerical Work
and Repairs is doing the most sensible thing possible. But here is
his offer to dp certain religious things at Mackay, or some of them,
if the Christians at Mackay do not desire to have them all done.
They can select what worship they want, and give their orders
accordingly : —
" I have put the matter in purely a business light, and whether accepted
or not, I abide by it. Payments monthly, at the several rates as follows, and
I rompt, or engagement ceases :—
£ s. d.
For one full service (evening) . . . . 100 0 0
For morning service (no sermon) and evening public
service, including holy communion and baptism
once a month 150 0 0
For full morning and evening services (holy com-
munion and baptism once a month) . . . 200 0 0
For the whole of services and visiting sick, and
seat-holders, as time and opportunity occur . . 350 0 0
" NOTE.— At present, nor for the next six months, I would not live at
Mackay."
The only thing the Reverend Gentleman has omitted to mention is
whether, in consideration of prompt payment (without which he
will cut off the supply), he allows discount.
TO LAWYERS.
MR. PUNCH would like to know — that is, he does know, but he
would like to hear the reason — why Lawyers' costs and charges are
so heavy, while all the learning and accomplishments required in a
Lawyer can be had so very cheaply. Read this advertisement from
the Law Times : —
LAW. — Wanted Immediately, in the South of England, a competent
GENERAL CLEKK, who is a good Accountant, can engross, abstract,
draw ordinary drafts and bills of costs, thoroughly up in Common Law,
Bankruptcy Liquidation, and County Court Practice, and would be willing to
make himself generally useful. Salary 30s. per week. Satisfactory refer-
ences required.
Now, here is a Complete Lawyer wanted, at the price of Five
Shillings per day. This is, of course, about the regular market
price of the article, or the Advertiser would not propose such terms.
Now, we ask again, why is Law so dear ?
Inquiry in Passing.
IN a shop whpre Law tools are sold, Mr. Punch observes an
article called " The Expelling Penholder." Is this for use when
the pen writes a Notice to Quit ?
What the Box Says.
"LORD GRANVILLE, by gracious command of HER MAJESTY, has sent to
MR. STANLEY, the intrepid discoverer of LIVINGSTONE, a gold snuff-box
richly set in brilliants, with a letter expressing the QUEEN'S high apprecia-
tion of his success in an enterprise which ' relieved HER MAJESTY from the
anxiety which, in common with her subjects, she had felt in regard to the
fate of that distinguished traveller.' "
HER MAJESTT sends you a snuff-box, brave STANLEY.
The gift holds a hint which my Majesty adds :
'Tis that you, the undaunted, successful, and manly,
Should Turn up your Nose at all cavilling cads.
Prbn-d oy Joieph Smith, of No. 24. Holford Square. in the Parish or St. It-net, Cl-rk-nwell. In the rouity of Mlddleiei, at the Printing OIBcei of Me»r>. Bradbury, ETini, « Co. Lombard
sweet, in tbo Precinct of Whltefriari.in tne vlty of ixindon, and I'uoUsried bj Him, »i Jiu. 84, Fleet strte;, in the Piruh of St. Briae, Oitf of Limdon.— 9»m»D»T, Btptemtei 7, 187J.
SsPTfMBER 14, 1172.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
105
RIOTS AND RESPONSIBILITY.
the " Lesion of the Belfast Riots," the
Pall Mall (lazette points out, for the instruction of
those whom it concerns, that :—
" What wa« wanted in Belfast was a man at the head of
• fldir« who would make the immediate restoration of order hi*
tirut business, and would shrink from no means that might be
nt'cesury to effect it — a man who, if the police proved insuffi-
cient for his purpose, would use soldiers, and if soldiers proved
insufficient, would clear the ttreeU by artillery."
Those whom this teaching concerns are the Government
and Legislature ; whom the Pall Mall proceeds further
to instruct that no man can be expected to put down
a riot at the risk of being tried for murder by a hostile
jury; and suggests " the creation for the time of a civil
authority who should have full powers to employ what
ever means he thinks best for the restoration of order."
Pending the acceptance of this suggestion, how are
insurrections to be quelled P England, or Ireland, may
expect a Magistrate to do his duty to his country ; but
if that exposes him to a prosecution, he will see his
country blanked first. Nobody but a strangely senti-
mental person, with a taste for self-sacrifice, would risk
martyrdom or even confessorship, by risking his neck,
or risking his liberty, except an extremely religious
enthusiast who firmly believed that he would be rewarded
for it eternally hereafter. The Belfast Riots have
'shown us what we have got, and what we are likely to
1 get, by omission to enter a nolle prosequi in the case of
1 GOVERNOR EYRE.
LUCUS A NON," 8tc.
Visitor. " How LONG HAS TOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?"
7mA Footman. " WEIL, SORB, IF HE'D COMB HOME YISTHEBDAY, HE'D A' BIMJ
GONE A WAKE TO-MOBROW ; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THK DAY AFTIIER,
HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NBXT THORSDAY." 1 1
Advice to Trades' Unionists.
WoBKiNG-Men of every section,
Strike for higher wages, do,
'Gainst Free Trade and for Protection.
0 how wise and good of you !
Strike as brethren should, my brothers,
Strike with all your might and main.
Strike each one against the others,
To the end of general gain.
Strike because of rising prices ;
Thus make all things still more dear.
So go on. This good advice is.
You '11 adopt it, there 's no fear.
WONDERS OF THE SEA-SIDE.
Especially in Lodgings.
A CARVINQ-KNIFE that is not shaky in the handle, and which, on
great persuasion, can be induced to cut.
A silver fork, on which the previous metal is still extant, and
which has its proper complement of prongs.
A chamber candlestick supplied with an extinguisher.
A ditto looking-glass, whicn, if not propped up with your hair-
brush, never turns its back upon you when you go to shave.
A bath which does not leak, and a water-jug that is not very
dangerous to lift.
A leg of mutton, upon which, after dining with your husband,
you can find next morning enough left to be hashed.
A (very) grand piano, whereof the keys don't rattle like the bones
of nigger minstrelsy, and whereof you can imagine, by a powerful
flight of fancy, that the notes have in their infancy, been ever heard
in tune.
A chiffonnier that you can lock securely, and a tea-caddy that
really seems to be without a leak.
A door- mat which is not provided with a hole to trip up all your
visitors when they come to call.
A table-cloth or napkin without eleven holes in it.
A window that has not at the least one sashline broken, and that
does not vibrate noisily with the very slightest breeze.
An easy-chair which gives you any ease when sitting in it, and
•wherein you may take your usual after-dinner nap without an
apprehension of a castor coming off.
A tea-rjot, out of which, with excessive care and patience, you
can contrive to pour a cupful without dropping the lid into it
A sitting-room wherein, to avoid smoke-suffocation, you need not
keep both door and window open when you light the fire.
A chest of drawers that is complete in all its handles, and a
vegetable-dish cover provided with a knob.
A minute in the day unmolested by an organ-grinder.
A window-blind which you can manage to pull up, even to the
very top, without a wrinkle, and then not find it come down with a
rattle on your head.
A bed-room paper which yon can contemplate without horror every
morning when you wake, nor conceive how fraught with suffering it
would be to yon, if lying ill.
A waiting-maid who looks as if she sometimes used a nail-brush.
A ceiling or a chimney ornament which are neither of them
cracked.
A pen with both nibs perfect, and a writing-table not too rickety
to write at.
A sofa at all softer than a hard deal board, and which has not its
springs fractured exactly at the only place whereon you want to Bit.
A picture or engraving, hung up by way of ornament, which with
any candour yon could call a work of art.
A pot which makes your coffee at all clearer than pea-soup.
A pair of decanters which are not an odd couple, and half a score
of wine glasses, any two of which will match.
A door which does not let a hurricane of draught through it, and
which yon can actually shut without a slam.
And finally, a bed that you may go to without trembling, and a
bill that you may pay without a fear of being fleeced.
Ritualistic Rebellion.
IT cannot be any Archdeacon of the Established Church who is
such an obstinate Ritualist as, by persisting in the performance of
illicit Romanesque ceremonials, to constitute himself a rebel against
his Bishop. Let such rebellious folly, therefore, sever be imputed
to ARCHDEACON DENISON. If it could, many people would not hesi-
tate to style him ARCHDEACON DONKEY. But that would be writing
an estimable but pigheaded clergyman down an Acs. It were more
respectful to name the Ritualist Rebel — A JT ARCHDEACON DKNISON.
VOL.
106
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
MRS. MOMPISON,
now with us in our
coupe, is a stout,
elderly lady, rather
squat in figure, as
if she 'd been kept
in a low room in
early life, so that
what
been
had expanded itself
into breadth ("for
would have
her height
will MRS. MOMPISON let yon get in before she's on again, with " Yes,
I daresay that was it ; because ROWKNA, when writing to me, and
that 'B some years ago now," &o., &c. If you tell MHS. MOMPISON that
you 've fallen down-stairs and dislocated your collar-bone, you are
immediately informed that this is nothing new to ROWENA. You 've
had the chicken-pox very badly, so has KOWENA, far worse. Your
sister has so exquisite a voice that she is thinking of really going on
the Italian Operatio Stage : well, ROWENA absolutely engaged her-
self, but ALDONI begged her not to come out, until she had retired, and
so ROWEXA gave in, and didn't. Have you an excellent memory ?
You may have, MHS. MOMPISON admits, but nothing to ROWENA'S.
Do you happen to possess so quick an ear for music that you can
hum correctly a tune after only once hearing it ? Mas. MOMPISON
quite believes you, because ROWENA can play the airs of an entire
— ahem ! — take
after her mother ?
In less than five
minutes I find out
that it only re-
quires a simple question, on any subject, to draw from her an expla-
nation, in, apparently, several pages of close talking. She has a
wonderful memory for the events of her early life, which seem to
fi ad their reproduction in later events happening to various people.
If you say to MRS. MOMTISON, " My watch is rather slow," " Ah ! "
she says at once, so sympathetically that it really makes you like
her at first, and encourage her to tell you something, " I remember
when we were first married, MR. MOMTISON— we used then to live in
Russell Square — in those days, you know, Russell Squire was
considered quite the fashionable quarter, and we had a very nice
in Nature nothing ' Opera, or even an Oratorio, which she has only heard once for the
is lost " ride Typi- fir8* time the evening before. In fact, try what you will, ROWENA
cal Developments, beats you at everything.]
Vol. xviii., Art. 2, We are boxed up with MRS. MOMPISON for an hour. In con-
p. 6 under " N." versation, MRS. MOMPISON first, my Aunt a very bad second, and
Nature). myself nowhere.
By the way, her Happy Thought.— Torture of the Middle Ages— to be jawed to
voungest daughter, death.
BERTHA, if I re- She will explain everything to us — her own complaints, ROWENA s
member'rightly, is complaints (who haa had all my Aunt's sufferings multiplied, it
short. Will she, ! seems, by ten, and is far better on the whole than could have been
too, expand? and possibly expected), MR. MOMPISON'S complaints, the remedies
which don't succeed, the remedies which she hopes will succeed,
and so on.
My Aunt asks if she haa found the waters of Aix beneficial. MRS.
MOMPISON can't simply answer Yes or No, or tell us that she hasn't
been there long enough to make up her mind on the subject; not a
bit of it. She at once commences shaking her head sadly, and sigh-
ing as if all her family had been poisoned by the sulphur springs.
" Ah," she says, " I 'ye tried them for some time, and I 'm bound
to say that, to a certain extent, and in certain cases, I've known
them do perhaps some good, but not permanently, because ROWENA,"
she turns to me, and I incline my head —
Happy Thought.— -Be attentive and polite to Miss BEHTHA'S
mother.
" Because," she continues, " my daughter ROWENA went there
Q_ .. . _ . .__ for a fortnight, or two months— let me see, which was it? — in the
recollect." Here she interests ' spring or autumn ; but it doesn't much matter, and she was suffering
her; but though MRS. MOMTISON is asthmatic, and obliged to pull j dreadfully at the time from pain in her neck, and from a sort of
up at the commas and semicolons, yet the rest is never sufficiently nervous depression of the larynx, I think, which prevented her from
ever getting any sleep after six in the morning, so she always went
to bed at nine, and took a nap in the afternoon ; and as for her eat-
ing, ROWENA used to say to me after breakfast, or luncheon, or
dinner, that she never could understand what had become of her
long to allow anyone else to cut in and start a fresh subject.
Happy Thought. — Epigrammatic description ofJSlRS. MOMPISON,
short-breathed and long-winded.
She tells us a long story about a watch, given her at that time, , ._
and by which she 's never been able to tell the correct time, though appetite."
she 's had it for nearly forty years ; and this narrative includes My Aunt, getting a chance for herself, rushes in hurriedly on her
several other anecdotes out of the direct line, and to be found in own account, to tell MRS. MOMPISON why she is going to Aix, " I 'm
the bye-ways of MRS. MOMPISON'S history. Most of these lesser going," she says, " to try the sulphur waters and nervanism for the
stories are about her daughter ROWENA, whom I have never met. , galves, which I hear is the demery now for all complaints arising
[Subsequent Note, introduced here. — After meeting the GLYM- from debilical hvsterity — -" gasp, and here she becomes so
FHTNS, and others, who know the MOMPISONS most intimately, I find hopelessly entangled in the meshes of Dixon's Johnsonary, that
that no one has seen Miss ROWENA since she was a child, and that, MRS. MOMPISON, who has been taking in, carefully, a good sup-
of her, at that time, their recollection is imperfect. But there 's ply of breath, enough for a five minutes' narrative without an
nothing which ROWENA, apparently, hasn't suffered, nothing she interruption, at once seizes the opportunity, and says, "Ah! yes!
hasn't done, no place she hasn't visited, no failing to which she is that 's what poor ROWENA — my daughter ROWENA — suffered from,
not subject, no virtue which she does not practise, no accomplish- fearfully. No one can know," this is a sort of home-thrust at my
ment of which she does not know, at least, something ; and there 's Aunt, no one can know what that poor child went through." I
no jeu de mot, however new, which ROWENA, according to her feel, while she goes on talking, that I could tell her, if I liked, what
mother, hasn't uttered, years ago, in another form. Most of I'd gone through with other illnesses, and, as it were, beaten
MBS. MOMPISON'S longest stories— and they are none of them short ROWENA all to nothing. I 'm sure my Aunt is dying to back her
ones— are hung upon "my daughter ROWENA." If there's no complaints and sufferings against ROWENA'S.
positive opportunity for a history, we get ROWENA in little social1 Happy Thought (on the first opportunity}. — To say, "Well, we
anecdotes. It is enough to observe, for example, in order to give all ought to be very thankful that we haven't lost legs or arms. " I
yourself, or some one else, a chance of saying something, that " the knew," I go on, " a poor fellow once," &c., then I tell them a piteous
interior of Mid Africa is a charming spot." It you 're well posted up tale, by way of depreciating ROWENA'S sufferings, which almost
in the matter, and know that others are not, you foresee a brilliant ] brings tears to my own eyes, and a slight pause fallows its termina-
discourse all to yourself —only you haven't counted upon Mas. MOM- I tion.
PISON'S ROWKWA. "Ah!" says MRS. MOMPISON (she invariably Happy Thought. — Checkmate to ROWENA.
commences with a mild sigh, as if your inquiry, or remark, had Not a bit. MBS. MOMPISON begins, " Ah! yes, that 's very dread-
awakened painful recollections, which is a Huppy Thought on her ful, very dreadful indeed, but it 's almost worse whereji young girl,
part, as it gives her time to get together her materials and her breath
for the effort, and then her plaintive tone and looks deprecate all
interruption which might appear rude and unseemly) "Ah!" she
says, " it must be very beautiful. I don't know it myself "—(here
you see a chance for breaking in with what you do know about
it, personally, only that she jpes calmly on) — " but my daughter
ROWF.NA stayed with some friends, the CLOUDIES of Invernesshire,
very rich people they were at one time, but DAVID CLOTTDIE specu-
lated in silk, or well, I forget what- but he was obliged to econo-
mise and live abroad, and ROWENA visited them in Africa, where
she stopped at a place with a most extraordinary name." Here you
are about to suggest a name, or do suggest it, but not another word ' we 're here.''
J.U.1* Y Gi V Vil CCH-tl U.L lllVXr-t;>-4T 1/U.U *V O (feMUVWU ITUKDB WW*V ** JlV'U-lJg £1(1}
full of life and health, as ROWENA — my daughter ROWENA— was
when she was out hunting with LORD DIDDLECOT'S hounds in
Leicestershire— she was a beautiful rider, and led the field whenever
she was out — and her horse, which her father had given her, and
bought for three hundred guineas of SIR GEORGE LAMLEF— it was a
trained hunter, and, from some cause or another, it fell at a five-
barred gate, and poor ROWENA was thrown violently into the field,
hitting her right arm and her left knee so badly that "
Aix-la- Chapelle.— Tickets!
Happy Thought. — Good-bye for the present, MRS. MOMPISON.
' I dare say." says my Aunt, " we shall see something of you while
SBPTEHBER 14, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
107
Note.— See something: limit the pleasure to seeing: and when
seen, if possible, to be avoided: except for the sake of HKKIIM
MOMPISON, whom I— yes, certainly — whom I do wish to meet again.
At this moment up comes CAPTAIN FOKTKSCUK ; and Aunt in a
Hurry calls him Sin. TIMI;I:HKY on the spot. She doesn't remember
his name until we 've been with him five minutes, and then she
makes ample amends by addressing him as CAPTAIN QuoBXHWVI,
which nothing will convince her is not his comet designation.
NEW TO ME.
niLST some men trace
their tours by cathe-
drals, town - halls,
ruined castles, famous
pictures, beautiful
prospects, I trace mine
by vegetables. Tim
cauliflowers at Ant-
werp, the green peas
at Louvain, the early
cabbages at Cobleox,
are green spots in my
memory. The Conti-
nent of Europe — and
having resided on it
for twenty-four days,
I think 1 may fairly
claim to be an autho-
rity on this and other
subjects— is the best
place, to adapt what
the DUKE OF ftuEESs-
KEKBT said of London,
for Vegetarians, and
the only place for those
who, on account of
health, family reasons,
&c., are unable to eat
animal food.
Seven cities (for names, population, &c. see Continental Bradshaic}
contended for the honour of being HOMEK'S native place (author of
the Iliad, Odyssey •, &c.), and we learn from a writer unfortunately
lost in the Qreat Fire of London, that as many houses bore tablets
recording the poet's birth within their walls. In modern times the
nearest parallel to this competition is the number of shops claiming
to be the only true and genuine representatives of the first founder
of the great FARINACCOUS line. The capital of FASINA was sweeter
than I expected. Perhaps it has taken sanitary lessons since COLE-
KIDGE (poet, not Attorney-General) said the disparaging things he
did of the Odour Cologne.
Generally, I like foreign ways, but I detest foreign pavements.
Were I a burgomaster, or a syndic, or other great municipal
authority, 1 would leave no stone unturned to accomplish a reform
in this direction— at any (paving) rate to make a little more distinc-
tion between the middle of the road and the sides.
How cosmopolitan is Fame ! It knows no distinctions of time,
Slace, or language. It overleaps barriers, it crosses frontiers. It
efies douaniers, it disarms gens d'armet. The great writer, like
the great advertiser, leaves his imprint everywhere — from the
Thames to the Taunus, from the Black Country to the Black Forest.
All these reflections, and several others which will be forthcoming if
they are required, I made while passing the " Hotel Weller" in a
Rhine steamboat, and regretted that I could not land and see how
Time was treating the landlord, who must now be advancing in
life.
The Rhine was worth fighting for, but I am afraid some of the
cheaper wines would hardly bear the fatigue of the journey to
England. (Question for any of the learned Societies which perplex
themselves with such matters, " What proportion of Rhine tourists
could say within a reasonable time— say on the spur of the moment —
which was the bank the newspapers were always referring to?")
How irresistible is the influence of fashion I Malines does not
strike one as a place abounding in the latest improvements, yet
even there wooden shoes were exposed for sale with imitation
buttons. (N.B. It may be inculcated as a sound axiom in political
economy, that no nation will ever get on which wears wooden shoes
— they are too great a clog on progress.)
The bread in foreign countries is constructed on such a large
scale that it is labelled and treated as luggage.
I never before fully realised the calamitous results of the Tower
of Babel. I will gladly become a yearly subscriber to the funds of
any Association which may be formed to promote the adoption of
one language and one currency all over Europe, just as there is one
clock, one cat, one railway whistle, one taxgatherer, &c. If I were
consulted on the subject, I should say that the English tongue and
the English coinage would be the best adapted for the purpose.
Nightly, in my dreams, am I still reducing thalers to kmi/<T«, or
florins to tilver groschen, on the somewhat erroneous financial basis
of sixty groschen to one florin, and twelve silver kreuzers to a
thaler.
You never understand the full force of the expression that a man
(or a woman) has gone to the Bad, until you have been to Homburg,
now lying under sentence of death.
I have been thoroughly unmanned to-day, utterly unfit for the
time to do anything except play at German skittles. A rumour
reached us (fortunately alter breakfast, or everything would have
gone arvay untouched), but how it arose no one could say, for
although we had the bloodhounds at work within ten minutes, we
could not trace it. There were two versions of the story, but both
so prostrating that we felt it was impossible to turn our faces home-
wards without more certain information as to what might await us
on our arrival at the ticket- office. Fortunately, later in the day,
after an interval of almost intolerable suspense, the arrival of a
London paper took a load off pur minds only equalled by the luggage,
I have one or two more things to say, including some verses I
composed on the Rhine on the Rhine, with a rather pretty refrain of
" Khi nt land,
Wineland,
Vineland,
Fineland,
Hurra ! "
a paper on local taxation, an essay on Romanesque architecture,
and some notes on the agriculture ot Belgium and the grazing lands
of Germany, which I hoped to have had ready this week in time for
the Doncaster meeting. IOJTOEAHTTS.
SONG OF A SOT.
CIXJZSHE a' lemon a' clock ? Then I '11 lay in a shtook.
'Cause there 's no plashe like home where to go, Sirs.
Kehere ain't mush cause to weep, shince we gets shpirits cheap,
If we purchash sha shame at the Grocer's.
I can thit and shwig here without hindrance or fear,
Whilsht to keep on my sheer I 'm shtill able.
When I lose shelf - con trol— zshen o' course off I roll —
An' tummle down unner tha table.
An' zshere I can shtay, all sha night an' nex day,
An' have nobody come to molest me ;
Bur if I lose my feet— an' come down in sha shtreet —
In course zshen sha Bobbies would 'rest me.
'Tis a precious bad job to get fined forry bob,
When y' are caught in a Pub. arter closin'.
Home, you drink at all hours, an' sha P'lice 'ash no powers
For a poke their inquishitive nose in.*
Sho now here I '11 remain— and my bollol I '11 drain —
In sha shoeket till cannle'sh en' flickers.
In a f ella'sh own room he 'sh a right to consume
Any 'mount of intoxicane liquors.
Now, when shwipes sha most thin I'm forbid at my Inn,
Shtay at home an' enjoy wine an wassail—
Here we 're free to carouse. Every Englishman's House
Ish his Castle— his El'phant an' Castle.
• "We hope that our friend ia right in his law on thi» point .
Automaton Bakers.
THE least fastidious reader will agree with the observation of a
contemporary, respecting the threatened strike of Bakers, that : —
" Certainly it would be pleuanter for the consumer to know that his bread
had been made by machinery, and not by hand."
It would be still pleasanter than that for the consumer to be
assured that machinery had produced his bread. Bread is not
always, in the strict sense of the word, manufactured. By the use
of machinery in kneading bakers' bread, there is reason to appre-
hend, the force applied by those who knead it, which would in
general be superseded, is not that of the hands.
ripe age ?
(iuunos.— When does a Green-grocer arrive at a
103
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.
MISTAKEN KINDNESS.
MRS. DE TOMKYNS DOES NOT TAKE HER CARRIAGE WITH HER TO THE SEA-SIDE. SHE THINKS THE POOR HORSES WANT REST AFTER
THE SEASON. SHE FORGETS THAT THE COACHMAN HAS A FAMILY, AND THAT THE FAMILY HAVE FBIBXDS.
CITY ARTICLE.
(From a Contemporary!)
TUESDAY.
GEEAT excitement was produced in the City this afternoon by the
rumour that Mr. Punch had been " doing: something very extra-
ordinary." Reports took various shapes, out they crystallised at
last into the generally accepted belief that he had been giving
notice to certain well-known establishments not to part with any of
the money which France has been paying to Germany, and which
Germany has been investing here. The rumour proved true.
Mr. Punch had discovered that the Twenty Millions had been sent
over, and divided into five sums, which had been deposited respect-
ively with the L. and W., the U., and MESSES, 11 B, G N,
and B G. This liberty (for Mr. Punch considered it a thunder-
ing liberty that the money should not in the first place have been
offered at 85, F 1 Street), he resented by giving notice to each of
the above establishments to hold the money until he shall be per-
fectly satisfied with the intentions of the Three Emperors, and until
he shall have received an ample apology for not being asked to the
Meeting, after all that he has done for Germany. On information
of this proceeding having been telegraphed to PEINCE VON B K,
a special envoy was instantly dispatched to Mr. Punch, and they
were left drinking and smoking to a late hour, but we have not
heard of any other results of the conference. Mr. Punch, however,
is notoriously firm, and we believe that, in the words of MB. LEWIS
CAEBOLL, he
"Said what he 'd be if he 'd stand it."
Panic in the Kitchen.
GREAT consternation prevails amongst the female Domestic Ser-
vants of the respectable classes in the Metropolis. This is the dull
season of the year, and alarming reports are about that the Baker is
likely to discontinue his calls.
THE EIGHTS OF THE WORKING-MEN.
(A few words addressed to them by Mr. Punch.)
"STRIKE not, but hear," you who assume to yourselves a title.
which, being applied, like an Act of Parliament, to Females as well
as Males, belongs to Her Gracious Majesty the QUEEN, and from her
downwards to a crossing-sweeper who earns his honest bread. You
want ninepence an hour for nine hours' work, and No Surrender.
If you destrve it, Mr. Punch hopes you may get it, as he likes all
people to be paid for what they earn honestly.
BUT, REMEMBER — Ninepence an hour for nine hours' work gives
seven shillings a day, and seven shillings a day gives two guineas a
week, and two guineas a week give one hundred and four guineas
or one hundred and nine pounds four shillings a year.
Suppose, my friends, you -get what you ask for, and have con-
tinuous work for a whole year, are you men enough to pay to the
Country in which you live the Income-tax, which every poor Gov-
ernment clerk who works with his brains is obliged to pay ? — or do
you mean still to go on, and charge the State, which you rob, of
robbing you, and maintaining, as you say, " a base and brutal aris-
tocracy, who are grinding down the blood and the bones and the
marrow of the people." Be wise in time ; for the CHANCELLOR
OF THE EXCHEQUER having filled his bag with Grouse, may come
back and look you up.
Strange Antagonists.
THE Newspapers should be careful what they publish about the
Autumn Manosuvres. The country people seem well-disposed to
our troops, but they will soon begin to dread their presence, if they
are often told that " a skeleton enemy has just been sent out." An
encounter with a foe of this description on a lonely Wiltshire plain,
or secluded Dorsetshire heath, would scare even the most loyal and
patriotic out of their wits ; and if it is indispensable that such a
force should be dispatched, it would be well to observe the greatest
secresy as to its movements.
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SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
Ill
A WARRIOR ON WAR.
tion, somewhat less thoughtful than the foregoing ..V
•ervationj, was added to them by the gallant but pacitL-
officer :—
" Why, he aakod, did not England -ill for national dinnBa-
ment?'1
Because England would not hare it* request com-
plied with* by national disarmament in such wise, con-
versely, ai the doraind of the hi-nine in the ballad of
If My Taylur was for sword and pistol :—
" Which did come at her command."
The obedience of thow weapons would i.
paralleled by national dinar mament. The armament* of
foreign nations would not go -at the command uf
England.
Song of a London Soot.
MAKER, Baker, strike awa' :
Yt- 'll na <rar me greet, mon.
K-n that I defy y« a1 ;
Though bread grow dear as neat, ra
Aits are baith bread an' meat to me,
Wha dinna keep my carriage.
Mysel, forbye the barley-brae.
Can live richt weel on parrituh.
only for the purposes
of national defence,
and would straight-
way quit the Army
if MB. GLADSTONE, at the demand of the People, or any other PRBMIER, for
that or ;any other reason, were to employ it in a foreign invasion. A ty — -
HE other day a speech
was made at Preston
by MAJOR OKKMAN,
wherein he remarked
that it was surpris-
ing that the best
portion of Europe
should now be en-
gaged in devising
r' schemes for blood-
shed—for, in reality,
murder ; that the
warlike spirit of the
age seemed a mockery
of the Christianity
professed."
Hear, hear ! Hear
the true, if trite,
! words of excellent
MAJOR GERMAN.
They are so logical
as well as so just in
a moral point of
view, and withal so
uncommonly remote
from any military
" shop," that every
thinkin g and humane
person must —
"Admire such wisdom
in a Major's shape."
It may be pre- " Political eoonomUU had prophesied with
suraed that MAJOR small fanner would soon disappear."
GERMAN is a Major NO fear of that The smallest of small farmers i* a
No Ghost.
IN a discourse delivered to the Craren Agricultural
Society one day last week, at Skipton, LORD F. CAVEN-
DISH, M.P., referring to " the existence of. a strong and
a numerous class of small farmers," observed that-
thai the
being of too, too solid iieah ever to vanish.
POLICY AND PRrNcrpiis.— Tax only the respectable and
the weak, ROBERT. They will bnt grumble. Grind the
middle classes. Media tutuiimut ibit.
THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.
(For this Year only.)
DENMARK is well worth a visit. It is a country consisting entirely
of Tillages and Hamlets. Our SHAKSPEARE took one of his charac-
ters from these latter. "The monarchy of Denmark," we are in-
formed, " is the oldest in Europe," and if in its age it is anything
like a good Stilton, then we find at once the reason for the saying
that there is " something rotten in the state of Denmark." There
is no law against the use of the umbrella in Denmark, and everyone
may carry his own. Of course while here you '11 go to
Copenhagen. — What, we ask, is the use of annually taking the
same old route up the Rhine and down the Rhine, and, as the song
says, "That's the way the money goes," being dropped pretty
freely between the two banks ? No, try our plan, and if you haven't
seen Copenhagen now's your chance. Here we are. There are
400,000 volumes in the Royal library. Take your Bradshaw in with
you, and you '11 have increased the nnmber by one. Care will be
taken that the collection be not decreased by one or more volumes
on your withdrawal.
The population is 130,000, so now you 've got a nice little snm to
occupy your spare moments— of course this won't apply to a very
stout person who never has any spare moments— and you can find
out how many volumes out of the Royal Library go to a person in
Copenhagen. A gentleman who has made this his study for years
computes_it at 3{ggS volumes to each individual Dane in Copen-
hagen.
The bathing here is simply perfect. The water of the Baltic is
half salt and half fresh, Yon can of course choose which half you
prefer.
It is extraordinary'how incorrect some Guide Books are. One of
them says " The city is entered by four gates "—well all we can say
is, and we pledge ourselves to any respectable Uncle for the fact,
that we never saw any gate even attempting to enter the city.
Again, we were told that " Our eye would be taken by four Colossal
Statues." — well, it wasn't true, our eye was not taken_ by anyone,
or anything, and it still ornaments our intellectual physiognomy.
Of course this Remembrancer only supposes the Tourist to be doing
rapid acts of journeyism, and he cannot be allowed to stop for more
than one day anywhere. So, taking our coupons in his pocket (and
keeping them there) he will travel rapidly and by the shortest and
most direct route to
Turkey, where the Rhubarb is. This country is inhabited by
regular Turks.
Advice to Traveller! in Turkey.— The polite thing to do on landing
is to leave your card on the Sultana of the Harem. The Turks are
intensely hospitable, and yon will require no money. The password
everywhere is " Allah is Allah, and Bumillah is his prophet." Do
not pat strange dogs in the street. Invariably carry with yon a
sword-stick, a belt with revolvers, two daggers, and any other aide-
arms for which you may have room, and never go oat before ten in
the morning or after 11 A.M. Any information you require you
must bring with you, as no one here knows anything about anywhere
or anybody. When yon land, immediately bay a fez, which yon
will nnd will admirably suit your feziognomy.
Exercise.— Hire a Dancing Dervish by the hour, and practise yonr
steps. Walk down to the Golden Horn for a blow. There is bat
one note which you will get out of the Golden Horn, and that is a
note of admiration.
Ton will walk about the bazaars, and if perhaps yon miss the
picturesqueness of our own Soho Bazaar, of our Lowther and Bur-
lington Arcade, yon will at least admit that were there bat a beadle
present, the whole scene would be indeed perfect.
Religious Observance!.— the traveller will notice that a small
piece of carpet is invariably used by the pious Mahometan for praying
on. Curious it is to remark the connection between West and East
in snoh a matter, for where the We»tern would raise a handsome
pile for worship, the Eastern, with tha_ same object in view, lays
down a handsome pile, and kneels upon it.
This is so profound a remark, that we leave the Tourist to his
meditations, =——==,====
Ol' do' at Rome.
A CONTEMPORARY announces that : —
" According to a Roman telegram, now that CAKDWAL QI-AOLIA U de»d,
there are twenty-seven Cardinals' hats at the Pope's disposal."
His Holiness may complain that he is unable to dispose of these
hats because he is a prisoner. But surely the Italian Government
would not prevent him from taking them into the Ghetto.
112 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER 14, 1872.
HIGH ART WELL EMPLOYED.
Quiet Country-Maid. " 0, HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS TABLE isl WHAT LOVELY LACE AND RIHBONS!"
Grand Town Ditto. " 0, THIS is VERV PLAIN — FOB THE MOBNINO, YOU KNOW. You SHALL S-EE IT WHEN I HAVE CHANGED THE
COLOURS, AND PUT FRESH FLOWERS AND Bows FOR MY LADY'S EvEtusst TOILETTE."
TWOPENCE MORE.
COMMENTING on the acts and doings of the London School Board,
the Post observes, " we are by no means blind to the fact that there
is an_ increasing tendency displayed by the Board to erect costly
buildings, to indulge in expensive experiments, and to disburse
public money rather with the high hand of a possessor than with the
careful economy which ought to characterise a steward." Money —
the ratepayers' money— is evidently " no object " considered with a
view to economy by the London School Board. Like some other
managers, they appear to be " regardless of expense." There are,
however, some extra charges which they have yet to incur on behalf
of their seemingly too low-rated constituents. Accomplishments
remain to be added to the education of street-children. It is a
wonder that the ladies on the London School Board have not looked
to one at least of these already. Music, indeed, is decried by some
eminently strong-minded women as a frivolous thing fit only for
men, who alone excel in its composition. But street- children of
both sexes might be taught to dance. If they were, the exercise
which they would then take, would benefit their bodies as well as
their minds. Their deportment and manners would also derive from
that elegant exercise an improvement for which there is some room.
The views of the championesses of Woman's Rights could also be
promoted by having the girls instructed to ask the boys to dance.
Not another word can be necessary to induce the London School
Board, at its very next meeting, to vote that a sufficiency of com-
petent Teachers of Dancing be forthwith added to their educational
staff, so that the Three R's may, as soon as possible, be supplemented
with a D.
Question for Couples.
Philosopher. The great advantage of Marriage is that it tends to
divest a Man of selfishness.
Disciple. Has it the same effect on a "Woman, Sir ?
IMPOLITIC SURPLUSAGE.
LET the POPE console himself. FATHER HTACINTHE (who can
never have read Pickwick) is going to marry ; and to marry a widow.
In an article on the apology published by the Reverend Gentleman
for contracting matrimony, the Times takes occasion to make re-
mark, which commands assent : —
" How the reasons for matrimony ever got into the Marriage Service we do
not happen to know, but they jar with English feeling, and are certainly
needless, considering whom they are addressed to."
The compilers of the Common Prayer-Book would have done well
to adopt, if they could have foreknown, the recommendation of the
learned judge who advised his less judicious brother to give his
decision, but abstain from giving his reasons.
Close Quarters.
" CAPOUL, the singer, has signed an agreement which binds him to
M. VEROER, of the Italiens, for the winter."
VEBY uncomfortable, we should think, for both parties, and it is
difficult to understand how such an arrangement can be managed
on the boards of the Opera. Let us be glad, however, that the
agreement is only for the winter, a season when we are all ready
enough to resort to any sort of contrivance to protect our persons
from the weather. The sufferings of two people bound to each other
during a hot summer day would have been too distressing both to
themselves and their friends, and in this case must, we imagine,
have seriously interfered with the proper rendering of lyric opera.
GENEBAL ENGAGEMENT.
DOWN in Wiltshire, our forces have been fighting the Battle of
the Wiley. Nothing new in this. Everywhere and always the
Battle of the Wily is going on.
SBPTKMBEU U, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
113
THE COMING RACE.
Doctor Evangelint. "BY THE BYE, MB. SAWYER, ARE YOU ENGAGED TO-
MORROW AFTERNOON? I HAVE RATHER A TICKLISH OPJtKATlON TO PBRFORMr—
AN AMPUTATION, YOU KNOW."
Mr. Sawyer. " I SHALL BE VERY HAPPY TO TO IT »OR YOU."
Dr. Evangcline. " 0, NO, NOT THAT! Bur WILL YOU KINDLT OOME AND
ADMINISTER THE CHLOROFORM FOR MB ? '
DON'T "STRIKE, BUT HEAR."
Mu. EDITOR,
I HAVE uncomfortable misgivings as to the propriety of the course 1
have resolved to take after long and anxious consideration, an almost sleepless
couch, and an interview, far protracted into the night, with a friend to whom
I always turn for advice and guidance in seasons of doubt and difficulty like
the present juncture. I am aware that I render myself liable to be misunder-
stood, that I expose myself to the charge of plagiarism, and to the imputation
—one of the most serious under which a public writer can labour— of being
unable to discriminate, either through ignorance or wilf ulness, between an old
joke and a new one. But all personal considerations must be thrust aside.
have"a duty to perform on the one hand to the public, and on the other to an
important, hard-working, and, I believe, hardly-used section of the community,
from which, if you, Mr. Editor, will stand by me, neither ridicule nor re-
proach shall turn me aside.
I grant that the connection, real or imaginary, between one of the highest
legal functionaries in the land and the humble process of preparing food
made of flour (or meal) baked in an arched cavity over a fire, has before
now found employment for numerous pens, many of them writing in a jesting
strain ; but I contend never in the same serious circumstances as those we a
now called upon to face. We are threatened with a Bakers Strike, we are
menaced with a total suspension of the Staff of Life (except in the inadequate
guise of biscuit) ; and 1 for one cannot sit still with folded hands, without
doing my utmost to prevent such a calamity, by suggesting both to masters and
men that they should at once, without an hour's delay, submit their differences
for arbitration to the one man in the realm supremely qualified to undertake
the task— to (no, not the Author of Yeast, but) the MASTER OF THE ROLLS.
Tours, &e. J. MIU.KB.
SEASONABLE.— WHEN is a brace of grouse like the star mentioned by DR.
WATTS in his celebrated poem P— Evidently when it's " so high.
AN OLD PARTRIDGE'S COMPLAINT.
MK. PI-NCII, I'm a poor old Partridge,
And love the stubble-field,
And I say bad luck to the cartridge
And the weapons which sportsmen wield.
A lot of men with breech-loaders
May think it very good fun
( — I wish they 'd turn out exploders.
And kill every son of a gun—)
To go out shooting in mobs.
And knock UH down, young and old ; —
And 0 '. the dirty snob* !
They send us to Town to be sold.
Why, the Parson and our Squire GILES,
And some of the good old race,
Would walk their twenty miles,
And be content with sue brace,
And a hare or two, and a rail,
But they let us roam at large ;
And the old dog wagged his tail
When he heard the words " Down charge ! "
Of course we have to die,
Like the Parson and Squire, some day ;
But we did not mope and cry
When we always hid fair pity.
And when the day was over,
At the Manor House, warm and mug,
The Shooters dined ; and old Kover
Lay at full length on the rug.
And then fine grand old buffers
Would drink their tawny port—
Too good for modern duffers—
And chatter about their sport.
But now a lot of strangers
Of the Manor take a lease ;
And, like a set of bushrangers,
Won't let anyone be at peace.
They bring about us the poachers,
And their gamekeepers " catch it hot ; "
They think their neighbours encroaohers,
And blaze away for the pot.
Now, if vulgar rich people think
That a monster bag prove* skill,
They '11 bring themselves to the brink
Of having nothing to kill.
However great their desire
To play a gentleman's part,
They can't come the Country Sqmre
Without a gentleman's heart.
And so I give this warning
To every Sporting Cad,
That he '11 wake np some fine morning
With the Game Laws gone to the bad.
Woman's Own Work.
A STRONG-MINDED lady has written an article in which
she maintains that needlework is an occupation below
the dignity of Woman. What she thinks of needlework
she would probably have thought of spinning in the old |
days when they that span were living Jennies. She
would have turned up her nose, of .course, at the distaff
and spindle. It is too probable, however, at least for i
men who might be blest if they chose, that the ladies
who would scorn to do the work of looms will for the '
most part themselves remain spinsters all their lives.
SOUND.
-Smart Soy (at play unth pop-gun, to »«""*•<» Elderly
Gentleman). Does this noise annoy you L e T
Elderly Gentleman. No, my boy. It sounds like the
pop of a cork.
114
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [SEPTEMBER H, 1872.
OUR RESERVES.
SCENE — The Quarter Guard-Tent of the Galway Light Infantry Militia. The Prisoner, outside, joining in the Athletic Amusements of 1m
Comrades — (" Shure, whyn-hot!")
Sentry (impatiently}. "Y— H! SEE, HEBE, TIM! TAKE A HOULD AY MB FIRELOCK, I'LL TACHE TER TO Jour!"
A NOBLE FISHERMAN.
FBOM the Fraserlurgh Advertiser Mr. Punch culls the follow-
ing:—
" One of our oldest and most worthy fishermen died on Sunday, in the
seventy-ninth year of his age. GEOROE NOBLE was a man of firm resolution,
and he had none of that superstitious notions so common, but on the contrary
could give advice worth listening to and being acted upon. He was a mem-
ber of the Independent Church for fifty-three years, and more than once
stood forward in defence of its principles. G-FORGB has left upwards of fifty
progenitors behind him, children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren,
who mourn his departure very much."
"That superstitious notions" we do not profess to understand.
But what a remarkable fisherman, to leave progenitors behind him !
Tf a crab were a fish, and walked backwards (which it isn't and
doesn't), we should think that the late Ma. NOBLE had taken lessons
from one of the fishes whom he has been slaying for so many years,
and whose survivors probably do nut mourn his departure so very
much.
Lines to a Lady.
PAT a cake, pat a cake, MAEY ANNE !
I>earn to make bread, love, as fast as you can.
Knead me my dough with such hands as those ;
Knuckles more clean than the Baker shows.
Intemperance in Paris.
A PITHY and pleasing telegram from Paris the other day announced
that :—
" The Bourse has been better."
The Bourse would always be well enough if it could only restrain
itself from getting tight.
PEDIGREE AND POET.
TAFFY has been contravening an axiom of hitherto undoubted
authority. A few days since a newspaper contained this announce-
ment : —
" Yesterday, the Eisteddford at Portmadoc, which is described as having
been an unqualified success, was brought to a conclusion. In the course of
the day SIB WATKIN WYNN, M.P., was initiated as a bard in the presence of
an immense number of spectators."
The members of the Portmadoc Eisteddfod, by initiating SIB
WATKIN WYNN as a bard, have overruled the old saying that Poeta
nascitur non fit. Perhaps they considered that an exception to this
ancient adage should be recognised in the case of the head of a still
more ancient Welsh family.
Two Truths.
PERMIT one, Honourable and Right Honourable Gentlemen, once
more to point out that a statute which merely shortens the time
during which drink is accessible at a public-house, is likely to have
the effect of causing many persons, who drank moderately when
they could drink at their own convenience, to drink to excess now
that their hours for drinking are limited. So mind this : You can-
not make people sober by Act of Parliament. No, indeed ; but you
may make them drunken.
In the Street.
Brown. JONKS, as a good Protestant, I cannot wish success to the
soldiers of our Northern Army.
Jones. Without discussing the goodness of your Protestantism —
why ?
Brown. Because they are all Pewseyites.
Jones. Stttlttis es, et asinus quoqite. [Exeunt.
Printed by Jotcph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, In the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middle"*, at th* ^rlntine Braces of *e*Mi. Bradbury, KTins, & Oo., LorobMd
Street, in the Precinct of Whitefrian, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. stf. Fleet Street, in the Parish vf ^t. Uride, City of I/andon.— 8iTf»D4T, September H, 1873.
SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
115
FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT
With the Northern Army at Petciey.
MURDER OF A RESIDENT BY THE SOLDIERS !
GREAT EXCITEMENT IS WII.TSHIIM •. !
APPLICATION TO THE QUEEN FOR WlTllliHAWAL OF THE TROOPS I
ii n r i. ii I had been
seventy-six boon on
horseback, neither my
horse nor I had tasted
food during the whole
of that time. The poor
animal dropped down
with exhaustion, and
taking: off his bridle and
saddle. I made my way
towards some outbuild-
ings of a farm-house.
A large dog rushed out
of his kennel as I was
approaching, and having
pacified him, I undid
his collar, and took
possession of his kennel,
having previously pulled
up a few turnips from
an adjacent field. When
I had finished my frugal
supper of raw turnips.
I turned in and fell
asleep, though I wai
occasionally disturbed
by the rightful owner
of my lodging, who
wanted to come in for
shelter from the rain
which was falling in
torrents.
Towards daylight
was aroused by the
tramp of horses. Two
officers, one a General,
the other his aide-de-camp, reined up close to the place" where I was lying.
" By Jove, there will be an awful row about this. They killed the old fellow in a wood."
" Who did it ? " asked the aide-de-camp.
" One of the Militia, I believe, ran him through with a bayonet as he was trying to escape."
" Can't we square it somehow," said the youngest of the two, " and get it hushed up P
" Impossible," answered the General ; " they have got the body at Pewsey, and the
Magistrates are going to meet to-morrow about the matter, and, as many of them are Parsons,
they will make more fuss about it than the others. They meet at ten o'clock at the
Phoenix Hotel."
You may imagine that this terrible tale thoroughly awakened me. I was twelve miles
from Pewsey, and the roads, in this part of the world, after rain, are a foot or two deep in
white clay, very like the stuff they clean top-boots with. It was too dreadful to think of— a
murder by soldiers, in a wood, and officers attempting to screen the murderer.
After a deal of trouble, I arranged with a farmer for the loan of a donkey, and started at
six in the morning for Pewsey.
I inquired my way of an old man who was hoeing turnips. The old fellow, who never
looked up, informed me that I was a " main-way" off, and there weren't no regular road,
but if I went along the down for three or vour mile. I should come to Bumper s Meadow,
and if I saw anyone in Bumper's Meadow — " not that I ever see anyone in Bumper's Meadow
myself, man or boy, and I don't rightly know if it arn't broke up," my informant said— I
Following the side of the down on my long-eared steed, I eventually got to the Canal, and
kept the road to Pewsey.
There was immense excitement in the town, and one of the farmers informed me that
the Magistrates were " a sittun at the Veenix "—as he called the imperishable bird— and
were " a writin' to the QUBBN."
I immediately produced my credentials as Mr. Punch's special reporter, ana was
formed that if I dared to come near the room the Magistrates would commit me for trial
for contempt of the Bench, and give me hard labour in the meantime.
I picked up what information I could. One old man told me it was as bad a murder as
ever was done, and that if ASSHETON SMITH had been alive, and caught the man who killed
un, he would have hung he."
In the course of the afternoon I was fortunate enough to come across the Magistral
clerk, whom I found to be a very intelligent little man.
" Can I see the body P" I asked him.
" Impossible," he said, " the Magistrates are going to send it to London.
" What, for medical inspection ?" I asked.
" Ah ! I don't know," he said. " The Magistrates are very angry ; I have tried to prove t
them the possibility of its being an accident, as the old fellow was frightened and got
between two regiments and someone stabbed him ; but the Magistrates won t hear of it, and
have petitioned the QUEEN for the withdrawal of the Army. The COMMASDER-IN-CHIBF
and the PRINCE OF WALES offered a hundred guineas each and a public apology on behalf
of the Army without avail. If you will step into my office, you shall see the Petition.
wish," he added, "they had taken my
advice, and had padded and bruohed the
poor beast, and had the head stun", d, and
thrown him to the hounds, and said nu
more about it : but here is the Petition "
To II EI MOST GRACIOUS MAJMTT Ucr.ix
itUA.
"The humble |« nn..ii nf Her loyal mb-
jeets, Magistrate)! of t!,. County ox Wilts,
assembled at the I'li.i uii Hotel at Pewwy.
weth.
"That the liritinh Army have oocujiiul
for some days past, and continue to occupy,
a large district in the county of Wilu.
That some soldier or soldiers have wickedly,
maliciously, and with malice aforethought
stabbed and thereby killed and murdered
in a certain wood in the said county of
Wilts, a fine old <!,«, f,,s," \K., &o., Ac.
Sine illtr luchri/mtr, Sir. I'utirh .'
MYSTERY AND MEDICI XK.
HKKE is a curiosity of advertising litera-
ture:—
TO CHYMI8TS AND DRUGGISTS.— A
Surgeon, being about to retire from ill
health, wishes to dbpow of a firtt-rate Buti-
neu, situate," ic.
Several questions are suggested by read-
ing this announcement, and folks at the
sea-side, who have nothing else to do ex-
cept to try and get an appetite, and when
they have lost it to try and get another,
may find some mental occupation for some
of their spare time in considering the prob-
lems presented to their notice. 'For in-
stance, what, in the name of ^Ksoulapius,
can this doctor ever mean by advertising
that he is "about to retire from ill
health " ? How a person can do this it is
perplexing to conceive ; and although a
Surgeon may have more control over ill
health than people not of his profession, it
can scarce be in his power at his mere
pleasure to retire from it. If such retire-
ment were effected, one would think it must
be a retirement to that bourne from which
no traveller returns; but this is far too
grave a question for the folks at the sea-
side, who read only for amusement, if
indeed they read at all.
A Word Well Che-ten.
"The "funeral' of PHRB HTAOTHTBB took
place yesterday. You are, perhaps, aware that
it is the custom among Roman Catholic religious
communities to consider any member that deserts
them a* dead, and the ceremony of burying him
ii gone through. Thii wa« done yesUrday at the
Conrent of Dominican!, to which M. HYACINTHS
LOTSOW belonged. A coffin was placed in the
middle of the chapel, and the customary bunal
terriee chanted. It is said the seen* was ' most
imposing.' "—Eekt.
" IMPOSING " is a word with two mean-
ings, both of which must have occurred to
many readers of this extraordinary account
of a fictitious funeral.
ACT AND EUPHKMI8M.
THE " Intoxicating Liquors Act," that
was, has got to be called the " Licensing
Act." Its authors and promoters evidently
discovered that they had given it a bad
name. ^__
COMPARISONS OF TniE.-Whieh goes the
quicker?— a Full Minnt*, or a Spar*
Moment?
VOL. Lxm.
116
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.
BENEVOLENT FORETHOUGHT.
WINTER 's daily drawing nearer ;
Buy your coals, while yet you may,
(luick, before they get still dearer
Than the price which you now pay I
Likewise, each beloved hearer,
In your stock of blankets lay ;
Coals, not all to roast your mutton
Costly, and more costly beef ;
Meat that makes the richest glutton
Pay his butcher's bill with grief ;
Blankets, mostly beds to put on
Of the Poor, who '11 need relief.
Pity, by anticipation,
With prophetic power of thought,
Thnse, for you in your own station,
Who have famine prices wrought
By their strikes throughout the nation ;
On themselves will want have brought.
RULE OF PROPORTION.
Garrulous Old Party. "EACH OF vou Fiv« YBAHH' OLD? WHV, I'M MORE
THAN EIGHT TIMES AS OLD AS BOIH OF YOU JUT TOGETHER, MY DEAKS !
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, BH ! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF KMT?"
Elder of Twins. " WELL — YOU'RE NOT VEUY TALL FOR YOUR AGF, SIR I "
The Infallibility of Punch.
Dfi. NEWMAN, on " Rome and the St. Bartholomew
Massacre," declares, in the Times, that "Infallibility
is not impeccability." Indeed ! Mr. Punch is as im-
peccable as he is infallible. If his infallibility and im-
peccability were not equal, he might, though quite in-
capable of being himself deceived, be perfectly capable
of deceiving others. He would be infallible only in
the passive voice. Though it would be strictly impos-
sible for him to make a blunder, it might be very pos-
sible for him to commit a crime. In particular, Mr.
Punch, if he were not impeccable as well as infallible,
might tell stories. He might tell stories, whether ex
cathedra or on his legs. Nobody could be sure that he
spoke the truth. Either standing or sitting, Mr. Punch
might, if it suited his purposes, lie. And who might
not?
FACT.
AN American doctor asserts that he can make a
mustard-plaster of such strength that it will draw the
cork of a champagne bottle without nipping the wire.
He will probably advertise it in another month as useful
to foxhunters for drawing coverts.
TEST FOR TRAVELLERS.
MUST the pedestrian excursionist, if exhausted, necessarily faint
by the way on Sunday for want of a glass of beer ? Not if Magis-
trates are generally rational and liberal enough to adopt the rule,
laid down by ME. COOKE at Clerkenwell the other day, that if a
person charged with having been served during the prohibited
hours, pleads that he is a bond fide traveller, the onus probandi that
he is not what he says he is, rests upon the informer.
Now, it must be somewhat difficult for the informer, official or
officious, Policeman or Prig, to prove that the purchaser of refresh-
ment at an unlawful time, under the pretence of being a traveller
bond fide, is a mala fide traveller. Ever anxious to aid in the en-
forcement of laws which tend to enlarge the liberty of the subject,
let us suggest an expedient by which the fides of any traveller, or
other person, applying for refreshment at the closed door of a tavern,
might be tested. Anything to diminish drunkenness, which must
ensue, to a fearful extent, if anyone can contrive to obtain half a pint
of beer surreptitiously on Sunday between half-past two and 6 p. M.
Let an intelligent Policeman, or a stupid one would do well enough
for that matter, be told off to mount guard at the door of every public-
house. Let a sentry-box be put up there for the purpose of pro-
tecting BOBBY from the rain. Provide BOBBY with the Book on
which affidavits are wont to be made. Empower BOBBY to adminis-
ter an oath, declaratory of being a bond fide traveller, to every comer
as an applicant for " intoxicating liquors."
We know but little of the conscientiousness of the British Public
if we are mistaken in the supposition that very few of them indeed
would swallow the beer and the oath too. An oath, also, appears to
be the only possible means of getting at the truth of a claim to be a
bond fide traveller set up by a defendant in a police-court or a
prisoner (by-and-by, perhaps) at the Assizes. Thumbscrews, at
present, are not legally applicable, but will probably be rendered so
in a very short time by the rapid and agreeable progress of coercive,
Sabbatarian, and sumptuary legislation.
MR. PUNCH TO THE DEAN AND CHA.PTER OF
CANTERBURY, GREETING.
REVEB.END, RIGHT REVEREND, AND VENERABLE GENTLEMEN,
KNOW ye that one of the finest Cathedrals in the world
belongs not to you, but to the English Nation, and as you have got
yourselves into hot water by not laying on the cold water, We,
Punch, warn you, as heads of the Church Militant, to apply to heart
the anthem which was being sung in your Cathedral, at your morn-
ing service, when the roof was absolutely on fire. That anthem was
" Sleepers, awake ! "
If the accounts are true that you took two years to consider the
question of bringing the water at high pressure into the Cathedral
Close, We shall expect, in the event of you or your officers catching
fire — which Heaven forbid — to see the lead running off your heads
as it did off the roof of the grand old Cathedral.
And We, Punch, further warn you, and all officials of all Cathe-
drals in England, that We shall hold our visitation when you don't
expect us, and preach a sermon to you which will open your eyes.
The Markets.
The Matrimonial Market. — Dull season. Offers are almost un-
obtainable.
In country houses, company limited. Amount of business done,
very small. Lovers' tones flat and gloomy.
Joke and Funny Story Market.— Values of nearly all kinds of
yarns a shade lower. Quotations unchanged. Funny stories for
export better than home trade. Practical-Joke market much de-
pressed, and sellers have been totally unable to find customers.
Fancy Ritualist Market. — Hair shirtings down again. No in-
quiries. Common dressings and shaved heads sell readily. Calf-
skins are in very general request,
SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
"OUR RESERVES" THE BATTLE OF AMESBURY.
Aide de-Camp. " GOOD GRACIOUS, Sra ! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MBN TO LIE DOWN U.NDIR THIS HILL I Cwt'T TOO Su
THAT BATIHIV I'LAYIM! RIGHT ON THEU?"
Colonel of Volunteers. " So I DID, SIB. BUT THEY WON'T LIB DOWN. THSY BAY TH«Y WANT TO SIK TBI REVTIW 1 1"
THE NEW CRIME.
LIBERTY for ever 1 Under the new " Intoxicating Liquors Act,"
at Stockport Police-court, on Wednesday last week, HENRY TATTER-
SALL, Landlord of the Park Hotel, Newbridge Lane, was pulled up
for the offence of having supplied two men and two women with
something to drink on the previous Friday, at a forbidden hour.
Those contraband customers had driven to MB. TATTERSALL'S door
in a cab, and knocked him up when he was abed at one o'clock in
the morning. They requested to be supplied with brandy-and-
water, representing themselves to be travellers on their way to
Bury ; but a policeman recognised them as residents. SIR WILFRID
LAWSON and MR. DAWSON BURNS will grieve to hear that the
summons against MB. TATTERSALL was dismissed by the Magistrates,
who, however, directed the Superintendent of Police to prosecute
the alleged travellers " for unduly obtaining refreshments."
What would our fathers, or what woula we, till this period of
paternal legislation, have understood by the offence of " unduly
obtaining refreshments ? " Simply, that of stealing victuals and
drink. Bless the Rulers and Legislators who have now constituted
it, at a time when every good child ought to be in bed, a crime to
buy them.
Appointment Uncommon.
THE Pall Mall Gazette says :—
", A Correspondent writes to us : — ' By a strange accident which can scarcely
be accounted for, the officer in charge of the private office at the Admiralty,
in the absence of Mi;. GOSCHEN, appointed a dead man last Saturday to the
command of H.M.S. Woodlark, in the West Indies. COMMANDER OAMIIIEU
was in fact in his coffin when the official letter reached his residence.' "
This appointment created a state of things without parallel.
VANDEHDECKEN was a living Captain. The crew of the Woodlark
had a dead commander. So the Woodlark differed from the Flying
Dutchman.
A SPARK OF SELF-HELP.
Our on ye, owls j Nothing but songs of strikes, rising prices,
rinderpest, potato disease, Alabama damages, and convictions under
the " Intoxicating Liquors" Pedantic Coercion Act P Yes ; here is
a little candle's end which glimmers amid the gloom of the news-
papers, and throws its beams to some, if not a very great, distance,
like a rather good deed in a fearfully naughty world. It is a
candle's end in a saveall : —
" TUB PRICE OF MEAT.— Hanley, Wednesday.— The movement against
the present high price of meat has assumed a definite shape here. A co-
operative butchers' society has been started, and an average number of share*
have been taken up. The butchers are acting on the defensive, and are
limiting the supply."
From the offensive to the defensive the transition, on the part of
the butchers is a counter-movement to the co-operative movement,
indicating that the latter is a movement in the right direction.
When butchers combine, consumers should unite ; and the latter, by
generally so doing, would very soon bring the former to reason, as
tar as they are capable of exercising that peculiar but uncommon
attribute of humanity by charging reasonable prices. Anti-Blue
Blouse Co-operative Societies should be established everywhere, and
everybody should join one of them who wishes to have a steak in
the country.
A Regular Disraelism.
SPEAKING, lately, at a Conservative dinner, given in his honour at
Pekesdown, in the borough of Christchurch, SIR HWTRY URCMMOXD
WOLFF, K.C.M.O., is reported to have mentioned that :—
" The head of the Conservative party, Ma, DWBAEIJ, said the other day
that a national Church could be nothing unless it were comprehensive.
What is the idea of a Comprehensive Church entertained by the
Educator of his Party ? That, perhaps, of a Church which takes
everybody in.
118
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
APTATH FOBTESCUE, who re-
ceives us at the Station, is
weary of everything gene-
rally. He is a lively person
to meet on one's arrival.
" Wretchedly dull place,
this," he informs my Aunt,
making a wry face on say-
ing this, as if he 'd just
swallowed a nasty dose.
"Wretchedly dull. Nothing
to do. I 'm sick of it. Ton
my soul, it's enough to give
one a suicidal mania in a
fortnight." Then, with a
pitying air to us, " Going
to stop here any time ? "
I hasten to explain that
I shall only remain to see
my Aunt comfortably
settled (of which there is,
according to CAPTAIN FOB-
TESCUE'S account, a cheer-
ful prospect), and then I
shall return home at once.
" Ah ! " he returns, still
pityingly, which is most
irritating, " that 's exactly
what I used to say when /
irst came. I intended to stay ten days, and I 've been here ten
reeks." To my Aunt, "You 11 go in for some regular course, I
upposeP" She replies, rather nervously, "Yes, I believe I am
first came. I intended to
weeks.
suppos, . , , ..
ordered valnagism and
"Yes," interrupts FOBTESCUE, smiling as placidly as a Lotos-
eater, " they ordered me galvanism to pick me up, but they 'd
first knocked me down. It's very provoking. I ought to be in
England, at Mosshire, now."
Happy Thought.— Then, my dear CAPTAIN FOBTESCUE, why don't
you go ?
He smiles, compassionately. "My dear fellow, you won't talk
so easily about g9ing, after you 've been here a week or so. I ought
to have joined this week."
"Good gracious!" exclaims my Aunt, involuntarily frightened
out of herself by this last expression of his, which she connects in
her own mind, evidently, with some surgical operation, " You don't
mean — that is— joined ! — you haven't been "
"No, no," he replies languidly, "not so bad as that. I meant
joined my regiment."
" Dear ! " says my Aunt, much relieved by this explanation, " I
really thought you 'd been obliged to sunbergo— I mean submit to
some painful gersical soperation, and that it hadn't been menderly
propered."
CAPTAIN FOBTESCUE now takes us to see the lodgings which he
has engaged conditionally. " They 're not particularly bright," he
admits (and they are not), " but they 're in an excellent situation,
near everything and everybody, if that 's any advantage," he adds,
with a gloomy and sarcastic smile. He informs us, in the same
despairing tone, that " the lodgings are the same all over Aachen,
and that these happen to be the cheapest he 's seen."
I don't believe (from subsequent events) that he ever troubled
himself until the morning of our arrival, and that then he simply
lounged into the first place where he saw "Apartments" in the
window, and took them conditionally upon our being satisfied when
we came.
The sitting-room has an old piece of carpet, showing a foot's
breadth of stained floor all round. There is a piece of furniture
with a marble top to it, and one small drawer underneath. There is
a venerable sofa, which my Aunt feels, she afterwards says, inclined
to dust before sitting down on it. There is another wonderful piece
of furniture, which looks like a cabinet piano of an ancient date, but
is an escritoire, intended to make you say, " Dear me ! a writing
desk ! " when you open it. In front there is a fairish view, to which
we turn, as quite a relief, from the dingy paper, the dull patchwork
over the beds in the bedrooms (mine is a mere closet), and the gene-
rally depressing effect of everything in the Lodging, and, with our
heads out of window, we say, with affected cheerfulness, that we
think this '11 do ; and it turns out afterwards that we both mean,
though out of politeness we don't say so, " We do wish CAPTAIN
Q.UOBTE8FUE hadn't taken these lodgings, for of all the gloomy holes
we were ever in, this is the worst."
Happy Thought.— Sot going to stop at Aachen. Off the day after
to-morrow, after my Aunt 's settled.
MILBUBD, who is passing through, and has left his wife at the
hotel, comes up-stairs to see " how we 're getting on."
FOBTESCTTB says, languidly, "They've only been here an hour;
you can't expect them to have anything the matter with them, yet.
Give 'em a day, poor things ! " His view of visitors to Aix being
that any healthy person visiting this sulphurous spot, knowingly,
deserves all he gets, and, in his opinion, he '11 probably get a good
deal.
Always in a worn and languid manner, as if the world were
coming to an end to-morrow, and nothing could make any difference
to anybody, he wishes us good-bye for the present, as he sees that
one of the young persons connected with the shop below (the land-
lady, he imagines), is coming up-stairs. (" She talks French," he
says: "so that'll be all right" will it?) He delicately hints
that we should probably like to be alone with her, and so drags
himself down-stairs, as if he 'd just come out of a torture-chamber,
and would expire at the foot of the staircase.
MILBUBB doesn't offer to move. On the contrary, " Here's some
fun," he exclaims ; and seizing upon the Conversation Book (wish I
hadn't left it out ; it exposes a weak point) he says, " Now then,
let 's see where it is. Wnere 's ' How to Hire a Lodging ' — Dialogue
with a Landlady. Here 's a game ! " I don't think My Aunt is best
pleased with this levity, and, on the whole, it occurs to me that she
is not best pleased with anything she 's seen up to the present mo-
ment, ftuoETESFUE included.
"I say!" says MILBUBD; "You're over a milliner's shop.
There '11 be all the (what he calls) gals waiting on you. I say "-
Happy Thought (to myself}. — Practise my German.
His further remarks are cut short by the entrance of a very quiet
and lady-like young woman (one of the numerous ' Young Persons '
in the shop below, whom I now remember having overheard giggling
at us behind the glass-door with a muslin blind over it), who
salutes My Aunt, MILBUED, and myself.
In what language shall I address her ? Is this the one who speaks
French, and with whom, therefore, "it will be all right" ? Hate
to talk in a foreign language before two English people, specially
when one 's an elderly relative who may correct you with authority,
and the other 's a practical joker, who will pick up every mistake
you make, and will pretend to roar with laughing at your pronun-
ciation, or your idioms, whatever you say.
We are all silent.
I feel that I could get on, if I was alone, well enough, and perhaps
in about five minutes be complimented by Mademoiselle on my
French ; but before MILBUBD and My Aunt, I can't find a word
to say.
Happy Thought. — Let My Aunt begin, and see how she does it.
" You tell her," says My Aunt, impatiently, " that we '11 take the
rooms as CAPTAIN QUOBTEEBAOE— I mean CAPTAIN UUOBTESFUE
arranged."
MILBUBD pretends to look this out in the Conversation Book, and
informs me, as " something to go on with," that " Mademoiselle " is
" Meess," that " sivvoo play" is "eef you ple-ase," and that,
" Plum-jmd-dang " is the same in all languages. These instruc-
tions he finishes with " Go on, Milor Rosbif, fire avays ! "
Happy Thought. — Ignore him. Smile, deprecating tomfoolery.
Our landlady, the nice, quiet, modest young person (not at all
MILBUBD'S notion of " one of the gals "), is still waiting for me, or
somebody, to speak first.
I say boldly, " LE CAPITAINE FOBTESQUE, i-ous connaissez ce
Monsieur que je veux dire "
She replies, " Parfaitement, Monsieur," which gives me time;
and I continue.
" Ehbien!"
Happy Thought.— Always try to get in " Eh bien," " alors,"
"bien entendu" and " n'est-ce pas," whenever possible; because,
if you can't command an entire language, it 's a great thing to have
a small effective force at your disposal, for manoeuvres.
Happy Thought.— Travelling proverb, " A little knowledge is a
very useful thing."
I continue, " Eh bien alors!" — (by the way, mustn't waste my
regiments recklessly) — " si vous avez compris de Monsieur le Capi-
taine que nous allions prendre —
" That 's rum French," says MILBUBD, in an audible aside.
I beg him with, I am aware, a little irritation of manner, not to
play the fool, adding, that if she understands me, that 's sufficient,
to which my Aunt assents, saying, "Of course! only do make
her understand I " which rather upsets me, as I resume, abandoning
my original sentence, and going to the point thus : — " En bref"-
which I remember in several modern books — " En bref, nous
prendrons, — je veux dire (with a glance at MILBUBD) nous prenons
les appartements par la semaine, et on commence, maintenant,
aujourd'hui. C'est bien entendu, n'est-ce pas ? "
She returns, quietly, " Je le comprends parfaitement, et je dirai
d ma sosur ainee tout ce que vous avez dit. Bon jour, Madame!
Son jour, Messieurs ! " And so she withdraws.
Happy Thought.— Why, being gone, I am a man again.
My Aunt is dissatisfied. " Why didn't I," she wants to know,
" ask about the price '( " MILBUBD insists that I ought to have put
SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
119
all the questions in the Conversation Book. I answer my Aunt that
FOETESCUE will tell us all about price when we meet him.
MiLiiuBD wishes me to come to dinner with him and MRS. MIL-
BUHD at a restaurant. While it is preparing, I show my Aunt the
Cathedral and the Elisa Fountain. At every other step I am obligee
to explain that it's not the drains, but the sulphur, which she
smells. I tell her that 1 recollect all about it, and, after dinner she
feels a little better.
Very tired, and retire early : after inspection— ahem !— and with
tear shouts
.__ lodgings?
Notes of the Night, miit/u soon after Dawn.— My Dream. I seemed
to be in some church which I knew thoroughly well, yet I 'd never
seen it before. Somebody, only showing half his body out from be-
hind a pillar, said that High Mass was going on, and at that moment
I saw the clergy in their vestments walking along, accompanied by
a master of the ceremonies in a sort of gold chasuble and a tall black
chimney-pot hat, which he wouldn't (somehow I felt this, for he
didn't say so)— which he wouldn't take off on any account. Then,
all at once, from out of a door in a wall, which seemed to have no
connection with any part of the church, but was put up like a screen
on the right, oame a very long, thin monk in a surplice, who de-
nounced every one, as I imagined from his action, though he never
said anything, and yet he was certainly vociferating with all his
might ; and my Aunt, who was standing up close to four people who
speaking, however, which was the remarkable part of it, and the
tall monk, waving his arm, disappeared through the door in the wall
just as another priest in a black biretta began to pump the handle
of the organ in the loft just above us, and to preach, at the same
time, against MARY, Queen of Scots ; and whenever he stuck for a
word, a man in a grey dress prompted him. " And then," he said,
that scamp of a Scotchman ! " whereupon I looked up, and he at
once withdrew the ' expression, saying, distinctly, that he didn't
mean me. This seemed to satisfy everyone (there were five people
present) ; when, on looking up towards where the altar should have
been, but wasn't, I saw another priest at least twenty feet high,
who turned round, smiling and bowing (he 'd a head exactly like
that of the great DANIEL O'CONNELL the Liberator), and he was
stooping down to lift up a little deacon who was facing us, and
chuckling while he was giving us a blessing. Then the organ began
to play and I awoke.
Think I hear My Aunt stirring. So rise. Every one up and about
in Aachen. Out to look at Water Drinkers. Same old routine, same
smell, almost same people. Pretty Miss ELISA, alas ! has vanished
from the fountain. 1 visit the kindly Miss CATHERINE (it isn't
CATHERINE, but something very like it) and while laying in a small
store of cigars (at one pro apiece, and a little one, or two, in on taking
a quantity), I learn that poor ELISA will never more hand waters
from this, or any other fountain, on earth. " She was a very pretty
girl, and as good as she was pretty," says Miss CATHERINE, with
an emphasis that implies a history, and I feel that nothing more can
be said.
It relieves us both, after a pause, to interchange the tittle-tattle
of the present season, and to discuss the merits of the newest
fashion in cigar-holders.
"And where are you lodging?" asks Miss CATHERINE, who is
only too pleased to advise and recommend.
Happy Thought,— Whenever going again, send to Miss C. Ought
to have thought of this before.
I answer, oh, at FRAULEIN FEOWSTER'S.
" Ah ! so I " says Miss CATHERINE, and smiles. I don't like that
smile. She doesn't offer an opinion on the matter. 1 wish she
would. Somebody else enters, and I leave.
I don't like the peculiar way in which she said that " So." I don't
like her smiling and only saying, " So."
Back to lodgings. Gaily salute the FRAULEIN FROWSTER, whom
I see in the shop. She bows to me civilly and nicely enough.
I enter the sitting-room. My Aunt is there before me. A frown
is on her brow. In her hand is the lid of, as I fancy, a pomatum-
pot. I wish her good morning. She does not return the courtesy,
but asks me in a tone, at once grave and indignant, " Where is
your Dicket Jockshon Permanary P "
What ? Oh, of course, my Pocket German Dictionary. Here,
naturally, in my pocket.
' Then," says my Aunt, holding out the pomatum-pot lid, on
which I now notice, for the first time, a large round brownish black
spot, as of the remains of a squashed insect ; " then, if you please,
tell me what is the German for— for — THAT ?"
Further inspection unnecessary. Miss CATHERINE'S ominous smile.
Ah ! I open the dictionary, and far on, under " B," I find it.
" What is it ?" asks my Aunt, tragically.
" Wanser," I reply.
Then," the returns, with calm desperation, "I've kill.-d five
Wanttr* this morning. Here 's one ! " and she indicates the defunct
°n the pomatum-pot Qd ^h the air of a Lady Macbeth, jointing
at the "little damned spot" Then she adds, having already for-
gotten the word, " ThaVs a Banter, if eyer there was one."
She is right, it it.
FISH AND FISHERMAN.
BJSQUKICTLT there is
caught in the
Thames a certain
fish, bearing a name
of questionable pro-
priety. For it is
called the Pope.
Now the POPK (mam-
malian) is credited
with representing a
Fisherman, not a
fiih, or any creature
of the kind. Then
there ii this distinc-
tion between the
l'iii»- .,t Hi.. T!,.im".
and the POPB on the
Tiber, that, whereas
the former is caught
now and then, you
can never cntch the
latter. In a letter
to the Timrt on the
recent controversy
about the compli-
city of the papacy
with the Massacre
of St. Bartholomew,
BIKQEOKGEBOWTER
thus writes :—
" Allow me only to add, that asiuming (though this ha* been denied and
controverted) that the POPB of that day auctioned the mauacre, the doctrine
of Infallibility is not involved, nor brought into question ; for by the decree
of the late Council the POPB is infallible only when teaching dogmatically
tx cathedra, and deciding questions of faith and morali."
Catch the POPE if you can. He is, says SIR GEOROK BOWTKR, in-
fallible only when teaching dogmatically u- cathedra, and deciding
questions of faith and morals. Secular history has been defined to
be philosophy teaching by example. By parity of expression,
ecclesiastical history is definable as theology teaching likewise.
When a Pope has a medal struck and Te Deum sung to commemo-
rate a massacre of heretics, those historical acts to simple minds
appear to amount to a solemn papal approval of the assassination of
heretics in general, and the French Huguenots in particular. But,
0 no ! It cannot be shown that the Infallible Reformer of the
Calendar approved of the St. Bartholomew massacre ex cathedra.
How are we to know when a Pope speaks ex cathedra, and when he
doesn't ? When he does, are we to understand that he always says
so P " Now I 'm speaking ex cathedra. Mind that. There 's no de-
ception or mistake this time." Is that, or some such as that allocu-
tion the necessary preface to every papal bull or other utterance en-
titled to be received as infallible r Eh, SIR GEOROE BOWTKR ? Or
is the phrase ex cathedra to be taken literally P As an infallible
Doctor, is the POPE not to be depended upon whilst he stands up P
Is Infallibility associated with the POPE 8 head, or with the con-
trary ? Is he infallible only when seated P Must the POPE'S rela-
tion to his chair be the same as that of the Pythoness to her tripod P
It has been said that wisdom is in the wig. Do you, Sis GCOROE
BOWYER. mean to say that Infallibility is in the trousers ? Does
Infallibility locally coincide with Honour ? Sir Knight of Malta,
will your chivalry also tell us, are the fallibility and infallibility of
any past Pope in particular determinate solely by the ex cathedra
decision of the Pope for the time being P If so, then are we to un-
derstand that Popery can stand committed by previous Popes only
in so far as they are acknowledged to have spoken or acted ex
cathedra by the present Pope, and that the decisions of the present
Pope, accepted as ex cathedra, will have hereafter to be believed to
>e ex cathedra or not. only according as the future Pope, of any
mrticular period, shall ex cathedra have appeared to determine P
Chen, truly, Piscator differs from Pisois. Mo ; his Holiness the
'OPE is no fish. He is, indeed, neither fish nor flesh ; an investigator
mows not where to have him.
But now, what an opportunity has Piscator for hooking Pisces !
uppose Pius THE NINTH were to handsel his infallibility by oen-
uring GREOORT THE THIRTEENTH. What a lot of salmon he might
atch, not to be illiberal and say gudgeons !
no
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON OHAElVARl. [SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.
LUGGAGE INSURANCE.
IT 18 BATHER TROUBLESOME, WHEN TRAVELLING, TO CARRY ALL ONE'S PERSONAL PROPERTY ABOUF ONE; BUT EVEN THAT IS BETTER
THAN LOSING ONE'S LTJGQAGK ALTOGETHER.
PEACE AT A PRICE.
COME, dear friends of each calling and class,
Raise a shout of unbounded delight ;
Give the order to turn on the gas
For an illumination at night, ?
"With such mottos, devices, and stars,
As shall darkness convert into day.
Arbitration has triumphed o'er Mars ;
And we 've not quite Four Millions to pay.
With our kinsmen to war had we gone,
On America's far-away shore,
Year by year would most likely roll on,
And our loss Come to very much more.
Only think what a terrible deal
Oar French neighbours to forfeit have had.
0, how happy we all ought to feel
That our punishment isn't so bad !
We behold a new era begun
For the welfare of all humankind ;
Hope is beaming as bright as the Sun
That pops out a dark cloud from behind,
And the blackness dispels from the blue.
Men no longer their fellows shall kill.
Lo, Geneva snuffs out Waterloo ;
Hey for concord, and peace, and good-will !
For the two branches chief of the race
Anglo-Saxon, what glory and gain !
Both the former and latter the case,
Very mostly, with one of the twain.
When we 've paid them their money, 0 then
Let us trust, with a firm faith in Man,
That they won't pick a quarrel again,
To be settled again by that plan !
Now then, let us unite, all, as Brothers,
Of those millions the burden to bear,
Let the Working-Men, just as all others,
Have the pleasure of paying their share.
Yes, with pleasure and pride in each station,
Everyone will help pay what all owe ;
But impose no more partial taxation :
The foul Income-tax raise not, BOB LOWE.
LONGEVITY MADE EASY.
THE following paragraph has appeared in divers Newspapers :—
"THE DEAN OF WINCHESTER. — It is stated that the reports as to
DR. TURNER having resigned the Deanery at Winchester, worth £1,500 a
year, which he has held since 1800, are premature. The very reverend gen-
tleman is in his ninety-fifth year."
For TTTENEE read GABNIEE, and add on forty to 1800. DEAN
GABNIEH has adorned the Deanery of Winchester thirty-two years.
May he live a thousand to demonstrate the effect of decanal occu-
pation at £1,500 per annum on longevity. The DEAN OF WIN-
CHESTER is understood to be in full possession of his faculties ; and
we should think that the reports about his resignation of an office
which he would be able to discharge completely, even if they were
considerably impaired, were premature. COBNARO would not have
been half such a fool if he had given up his abstemious habits at
ninety-five as DEAN GABNIKB would be to reject conditions far
more conducive to longevity.
Worcester Sauce.
STATIONEBS' HALL is the place for the Festival of the Three
Quires. This Festival isn't a Moveable Feast because it 's stationary.
Yours ever, A RELHH.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— SKTBMHKR 21, 1872.
"WHO'S TO PAY?"
ME. LOWE. "LET ME CONGRATULATE YOU, MY DEAR SIR, ON THE HAPPY SETTLEMENT OF OUR
AMERICAN DIFFICULTY ! A LITTLE OVER THREE MILLIONS TO PAY !-A MERE TRIFLE !
PATERFAMILIAS. "YES, IT'S ALL VERY WELL! BUT MIND, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STICK ON TUAT
TWOPENCE AGAIN ! ! " . .
SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
123
NEW TO ME.
•-"
UK ancient Romans were
right in giving the name
of " impedimenta " to lug-
gage. Historians do not
tell us whether any au-
topsy wag instituted to
ascertain if the fears of
the Royal Personage were
well grounded who fore-
hoded that "Calais" would
he found inscribed on her
heart ; hut 1 am convinced
that if at this moment an
examination could he made
of the same organ in me,
"luggage" would appear
stamped upon it in legible
characters.
Experience has taught
me in a single lesson that
no man who studies his
personal comfort ought to
venture abroad without
heing equipped with the
following articles — short
ladder, coil of rope, pick-
axe, hammer and tacks,
telescope, portable bath,
salt spoon, spare knife and
fork, alpenstock, large
atlas, camp stool, pair of
compasses, wine-bin, ala-
rum, egg-boiler, pedome-
ter, weather-glass, medi-
cine-chest, carriage lamp, and reading-easel. He will find no diffi-
culty in transporting most of these little matters in the railway
carriage with him, either distributed over the seats, in the netting
above his head, and under his own legs and those of his fellow
travellers, or strapped up with hia overcoat, waterproof, rug,
plaid, goloshes, life-preserver, sticks, umbrella, fishing-rod, guides,
manuals, and handbooks.
Some people are colour-Wind, others are deaf to all entreaties, a
third section of the community have no taste, and a fourth no feel-
ing. For my part, I think that of all the organs of perception as
yet discovered the nose is the one I could most readily dispense with
in foreign towns and cities. Cotton wool seemed to be commonly
used abroad in the ears : I should say there are other orifices to
which it might also be applied with advantage to the wearer.
It has been calculated by a professional expert, whose name is not
necessarily intended for publication, that with the money annually
paid by the English traveller to the foreign hotel-keeper for lights,
the entire Continent might be brilliantly illuminated with wax
candles during the hours of darkness from Michaelmas to Easter.
If merely composites were used, the period of lighting could be ex-
tended to the whole year.
Live abroad for a month, and never as a rule sleep more than two
nights in the same place. If, when you have settled down again by
your own gas-stove (there can he no more firesides, with coals
at the present price), you can keep distinct in your recollection
all the churches, town-halls, museums, market-places, ruined castles,
curiosities, antiquities, hotels, tables d'hote, landlords, and waiters
you have encountered, there is no effort of memory, no exploit of
mental calculation which you may not hope, if your health continue!
unimpaired, to accomplish.
On this my last night abroad, with the white cliffs of Old England
gleaming in the future, and rather a heavy hotel bill to discharge
in the present, let me pause on this second-floor to consider whether
I have learned anythingj discovered anything, added anything to
my stock of information in the past twenty-four days. I may not
have solved any outstanding problem in Gothic architecture, or
political economy, or the law 01 nations, as I designed doing when I
left Notting Hill ; but. at least, I know how melted butter ought to
be served up, and I have joined in the game of German skittles.
The increase of knowledge has not all been on my side. The good
landlord of the " Schutzen-hof " knows now to what use to put the
borage which grows in abundance in his garden. This is as it
should be. An exchange of courtesies between foreign nations is
always desirable, and forms one of the surest guarantees of a lasting
peace.
He and others of his profession have treated me well. I will
acknowledge their attentions by supplying a little deficiency in their
table arrangements, which has caused me some uneasiness. I will
present each of them with a salt-spoon. Succeeding tourists will
bless the name of their benefactor, when they recognise it in the
Visitors Book; but in all future foreign expeditions (may I again
have the advantage of your companionship, my friend from whom I
P^ to-day !) I shall travel with my own salt-spoon.
I have planned a very compact and pleasant round for next yew
-Roumama, the Cis-U-ithan country, Hungary, Poland, Daleearli*.
and home bv the Grecian Archipelago.
What is the prettiest sight I hare ie«n? Some St. Bernard pnp-
P1^' ^J loveliest P A sunset. The most astounding '< A gaming
table. The most amusing p A party of school-girls taking teain
the public room of a German inn.
If beef and mutton at a shilling a pound, and other indications
ot a high state of national pro*])erity, are leading you to think of
economy in your rambles, avoid all places which have a sea»on.
I land at Dover, which has sent two Member* to Parliament since
the time of EDWARD THF FIRST, with an immediate prospect of a
return to dotting Hill, office hours, letter-writing, organ grinder*,
tradesmen s books, and vociferous costermongers. Having under-
gone a temporary separation from newspapers, every one win at one*
guess what is the hrst thing I lly to when my eye again travels
down their columns— not the Autumn Manoeuvres, not the Geneva
Arbitration, not the doings of the Kmperors, not the movements of
the Sea Serpent, not the working of the Ballot,- hut the present
price of Coals. To ascertain this, can any one wonder that I repress
even the natural impatience I feel to know who has been appointed
CHANCELLOR OF THE DUCHY OF LANCASTER since I quitted my native
shores :
And now in the retrospect, when the piano next door has resumed
the tune I left it playing, what do I regret P That I did not visit
that Cathedral or that Museum, or go up those 132 step*) to tee the
fine view from the tower, or take that lovely walk P No— that I did
not taste again that beer at Louvain. IGNORAMUS.
ARDUOUS EXPERIMENT.
A CONTROVERSY has been raised in a contemporary magazine about
a suggestion thus stated by the Pott .—
" Build two hospitals, treat both alike as to science, admit the tame number
and the same class of patients, but pray heartily for one and not for the other,
and see the result. If more are cured in the prayed-for hospital, the balance
is in favour of prayer."
Having made some objections, based on cultivated veneration, to
this proposal, the Post inquires : —
" Would a monarch, or even a learned professor, listen to • fellow-creature
who first questioned his eiistence, and next moment wished to assay the coin
he gave, and test the bread held out to him ? "
This view of the case, perhaps, commends itself to the generality
of reverent minds. Yet it may be questioned, even by a thinking
Bishop, whether the a fortiori argument derived from offended
human dignity is not infinitely illogical. Under the laws which
govern the visible universe, the test of truth, tint qua non, is crucial
experiment. Is it absurd to suppose that the order of invisible
things is not diametrically opposite, but rather corresponds to, the
order of things invisible ?
But analogy is not lameness, and the proposal to use identity of
method in both natural and supernatural research may involve a
blunder. Even if the latter line of inquiry ought to be pursued
exactly like the former, exception might still be taken to the expe-
riment of the two hospitals, with the object above indicated. The
experimenter could not be sure of his conditions. Hit required
difference between the two cases might not exist. He could not be
certain that the prayers on one side were genuine, unless he prayed
himself. On the other, he could not be assured that there was no
praying. Even in a hospital of professed atheists somebody might
be moved to say his prayers. To render the experiment really
scientific, not to say conclusive, the only safe plan would be to let
the two hospitals be veterinary hospitals. The only creatures that
can be trusted not to pray in their extremity are the dumb
A Claim against Claimants.
ARK the Claimants who have made good the Alabama Claims pre-
pared to do as they would be done by f It is said that the Southern
States intend to demand £6,000,000 from the North for an indemnity
on account of their losses through emancipation. Will the Yankees
liquidate these Emancipation Claims ? Then, as Ms. O'BKAJ-LAOUAN
observes, they will be paid in their own coin.
AUTUMN VANOiUV&ES.
THE Isle of Skye is proposed for next year's mana-nvres. By all
means, let the troops go up to Skye, and besiege a Castle in the Air.
124 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI./ [SEPTEMBER 21, 167:!.
A«r mtr
f~ARM£f( Ftsjf falkni ft fooo
ffariT rex
SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
125
AN UNWISE CHILD.
\aged six, to bearded Papa, who has just returned after a Jive years' resi-
dence in 'e Australian Jiiish). " 1 DON'T LIKE vov. You AKB TOO BOUQB ; A»D
1 'M SORR7 YOU EVER ,M&KK1KI> INTO OCR FAMILY."
MRS. MOONRA.KE ON THE MILITARY.
WELT., now, then, really, I do say,
And will confess, that I am very
Agreeably, in eyery way,
Astonished with the Military.
What wfU-conduoUd, nice young men !
Not like what people used to tell us.
May be 'tis true that soldiers, then.
Were wicked, harum-scarum fellows.
There '» not a fox, or duck, or goose,
Or turkey, that we've yet found mUsin'.
The little pigs all safe run loose,
And sheep and lambs, their pastures kiuin'.
The hedges are uninjured, quite ;
There 's not a single faggot taken.
All 's paid for ; food, and lire, and light :
They fairly fries their Wiltshire bacon.
And my, what spruce young men to s«e,
By nature part, and part by drillin' !
There 's many a parent, if so be
As they 'd got money, would be willin'.
I hope my little Rosy dear,
On no red coat won't set affection.
For to a Soldier, there 's this here
Mother's unanswerable objection :
He can't afford to keep a wife,
Consistent with a husband's duty,
So cheap he 's got to risk his life,
And die for England, Home, and Beauty.
Would -Be Cardinals.
Vi Ki.iii.Mr to the prevailing epidemic, it is rumoured
that the superior clergy of the Church of Rome are medi-
tating a strike, if the POPE persists in still keeping all
the hats he has so long bad at his disposal. He is Head
of the Church, that is admitted ; but, even so, he cannot
want twenty-seven hats.
THB LATEST " EAKLT-CLOSINO MOVEMENT." — The
new Licensing Act.
"GREEN GROW THE BUSHES, 0!"
CAN we believe our eyes ? Are we not asleep and dreaming ? Or
ate we five-and-twenty, yes, and even more, years younger than we
were last Wednesday '( Are the Corn Laws just repealed ? and has
the country scarce recovered from the Irish famine ? Is Louis
PHILIPPE on the throne ? and are alarmists in a fright about the
possible invasion of the PBINCE DE JOINVILLE ? Is the Jennylindo-
mania beginning at the Opera ? and has the world not yet recovered
from its laughter at the acting of King John, in Punch's famous
Payne-tomime ? We ask this while we rub our eyes, and stare
again at the advertisement. Yes, there it stands, in all the news-
papers, precjsely as it stood there nearly thirty years ago, before
newspapers indeed— at least penny ones— existed. This evening
. . . MADAME CELESTE as Miami ... at the Adelphi Theatre . . .
in the celebrated drama of the (Ever) Green Bushes ! ! ! "
Black and White.
THE white American people of the South, we are told, propose to
try and establish a White Man's Government (instead of a Black
Man's) by creating a system of separation between the two races.
If this scheme were carried out, there would be " separate schools,
separate churches, separate railway carriages, and separate hotels
for the negroes." Perhaps there would also be separate gaols.
Would there be separate cemeteries ? Of course the coloured gentle-
men would have separate Clubs, at which any obnoxious Nigger
seeking admission would be whiteballed.
THE LAST VESTED INTEREST.
" The Magistrates of Nentgh hare resolved not to put the adulteration
clauses of the new Licensing Act in force for a fortnight, the arowed object
being to giro the publican* time to dupote of their adulterated drinkj. '—
Timc».
THIS tender regard of the Magistrates for the interests of the pub-
licans is very touching, but it may be questioned whether the Bench
are showing themselves equally mindful of the welfare of the popu-
lation in and around Nenagh. the most probable recipients of these
"adulterated drinks." Perhaps, however, the Magistrate* have
been influenced in their considerate resolution by an assurance on
the part of the publicans, that they are fully resolved not to sell a
single drop of the condemned stuff to man, woman, or child, but
intend to give the whole of it away to the pigs, whose wishes on the
subject no one would, of course, think it necessary to consult.
A GEM OF AN ISLAND.
A WORD WITH THE NOVELISTS.
To Ma. PUNCH,
Snt,— What silly names the author people choose for their
new novels ! For instance, I observe one lately published, which the
writer has the impudence to call A Woman1 1 Wrong. A woman s
wrong, indeed ! The idea of ever saying that a woman could be
wrong ! I should just like to catch my husband even thinking it,
that 'sail!
So I remain, Sir, yours obediently (but not hit, mind yon),
XANTIPPE GREIHARB (nfe TROUNCER).
P. S.— There 's another book I notice too, entitled Janet 'i Choice.
she, indeed ? A choice specimen, I '11 warrant I d choice her,
e vain hussy, if I had her in my house !
IT seems there is some promise of coals coming to us from Ireland.
If this promise be realised, the Emerald Isle should change its name,
and be called, in richer language, the (Black) Diamond Isle.
Is she
the
BCSINXSS AND SPOET.— Bookmakers' Saint's Day— St. Ledger.
\
126
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 21, 1872.
HORRORS OF HAIR-DRESSING.
Y DEAR MRS. SMYTHE,
YOTT may remember
that last week, when we
met at the sea-side, I com-
plimented you upon the
improved appearance of
your daughters, which you
said was doubtless owing
to the air. It was not for
me to contradict a lady, or
I might have told you that,
in my judgment at least, it
was not the air that had
embellished those young
ladies, unless I could have
deemed you capable of an
act of such barbarity as the
dropping of an H. To be
plain with you, my dear
Madam (and that is what
you, pardon me, have
never been yourself), it
was the hair, and not the
air, which had so beauti-
fied your daughters, and
made me pay my homage to their improved good looks.
When 1 had last seen them, they each wore a monstrous chignon, which, like
a wart upon a nose, appeared a hideous excrescence, deforming and destroy-
ing all the beauty of their heads. But now they are content with wearing
their own hair, and do not purchase other people's to increase what MRS.
MALAPHOP would call their caterpillary attractions. How vastly they and
you are all to be congratulated on this happy change of hair, may be judged
from a brief extract from a clever medical paper, which you probably have never
seen:—
" FALSE HAIR. — M. LINDEMAN continues his investigation of the parasitic bodies (Gre-
garinidse) found on the false tresses and chignons commonly worn by ladies. They are to
be found at the extremity of the hairs, and form there little nodosities, visible, on careful
examination, to the naked eye. Each of these nodosities represents a colony of about fifty
psorosperms. Each psorosperm is spherical ; but, by the reciprocal pressure of its neigh-
bours, it is flattened, and becomes discoid. Under the influence
of heat and moisture, it swells; its granular contents are trans-
formed into little spheres, and then into pseudo-navicellae — little
fusiform corpuscles, with a persistent external membrane, and
enclosing one or two nuclei."
Psorosperms and navicellie, and fusiform corpuscles,
are not precisely words to be spoken to a lady, with a
reasonable hope of her knowing what they mean. But
she will probably consider they are not very nice sound-
ing, and mean doubtless something nasty, and this
would be enough to make her rather burn her chignon
than suffer nasty creatures to infest her head. Nor would
such a sacrifice be a whit retarded by her reading further
on: —
" These pseudo-navicellse become free, float in the air, pene-
trate into the interior of the human organism, reach the circula-
>r, various
affections,
So a chignon is not merely offensive to the eye, but
inj urious to the health ; and only fancy, my dear Madam,
to what perils people moving in fashionable circles have
nightly been exposed ! Pray just look at this : —
" M. LINDEMAN calculates that, in a ball-room containing
fifty ladies, forty-five millions of navieellae are set free ; and he
concludes that it is necessary to abolish false hair, which often
proceeds from unclean persons."
Happily for me, my dancing days are over, and I have
nothing now to fear from the dangers of ball practice.
But you have your fair daughters to chaperone about,
and think how your health must suffer unless chignons
be abolished ! Let us both then raise our voices against
flaunting of false hair, with all its nasty, noxious
horrors, and let us cut the company of any one who
brings it to contaminate our rooms.
With my compliments to your daughters, whom again
I must congratulate, believe me, my dear Madam,
Your old friend and admirer,
BENJAMIN BROWN.
HINTS ON CHEAP HOUSES.
MR. PUNCH,
AN inhabitant of Hounslow wrote, the other day, to the
Times, "complaining of the common identification of Hounslow
with the powder-mills of MESSRS. CURTIS AND HARVEY. He said
that " it is quite a mistake to apply that name to them ; no portion
of the land occupied by the Works being even within the parish in
which Hounslow is situated. The Works are in the parish of
Twickenham, and should be so designated. The town of Hounslow
is nearly two miles distant from these mills." From these repre-
sentations it would seem that the inhabitant of Hpunslow, in send-
ing them to the Times, was inspired by the wish to assure the
Public that Hounslow was not a dangerous place, and therefore that
people need not be afraid to go and live there.
Sir, it is my endeavour not to covet my neighbour's house, even if
it be an old English Manor House or mansion, situated in a park
containing stags and a rookery. But, without reference to any
particular person or tenement, and generally speaking, I will own
that I envy any man who lives, on a comfortable independence, in
any decent house at Hounslow. I envy him the abode as well as
the means. A local professional person, or man in business, has
obvious reasons for wishing to remove the general but erroneous idea
that the town of Hounslow adjoins CURTIS AND HARVEY'S Powder
Mills. But any inhabitant of that place or any other, who does not
live by its population, must, I should think, be glad of any mistake
which would tend to keep the population under, by keeping ex-
trinsic additions off, and so preventing the building which is going
on in every safe and pleasant neighbourhood, and spoiling it.
You have dined at Purfleet, I think, Sir, and know what it is to
enjoy your whitebait and other good things on that peaceful little
spot on the chalk formation. Purfleet, I fancy, owes its tran-
quillity to the powder magazine which is thought to be there. I
should be very glad to live, on a certain and sufficient income, at
Purfleet. Even if there really were any danger, I should not mind,
and would risk that, unless it were very great indeed ; for the
inevitable hour must come somewhen, and all the better if that
tour, as your friend MR. O'BRALLAGHAN would say, is a second.
Anything, even a premature departure, for a quiet life.
With regard to the lone manor-house in which, as aforesaid, I
would live, if I could, but can't, let me offer a hint to persons whose
wishes resemble mine, but whose circumstances fall short of their
desires only a considerable way, and not immensely. Were I in
their comparatively blest position, I would advertise for a haunted
house. I fancy there are many fine old houses that will not let,
because they are reputed to be haunted. I should think a haunted
house might be had cheap. Of course it would be necessary to buy
the house, or take it at a longish lease, lest, after you had lived in it
long enough to dispel its bad name, your landlord should raise your
rent on you. Another needful precaution would be, further, but
separately, to advertise for servants who disbelieve in ghosts.
But, a no greater fool than DR. JOHNSON may suggest, " Sir, sup-
pose your house turned out to be really haunted, after all." Why,
then I might chance to see a ghost; which I can only say I should very
much like. And even if there were several ghosts in the house,
and they made noises, the ghosts would not infest me in anything
like the degree the people do whom the steamers and railway-trains
( bring down to the suburb which I reside in, and they crowd, and
till with laughter, and giggling, and tittering, and chaff, and sul-
triness, and smoke. But ah ! there will soon be no ancient manor-
houses left for me to sigh for. In a few years they will all be
improved off the face of the country. Their sites will mostly be
occupied by factories topped with tall chimneys smirching the sky —
making the blue one black. The hatchments of their defunct owners
will then speak not for them only, but for their descendants too,
and likewise declare the best that can possibly ever be expected by
Yours truly,
IN CCELO QUIES.
P.S. — In comparison with a powder magazine, a haunted house
would have the slight advantage of safety. That would be some-
thing, if one were well-off, especially for the head of a family which
was not an encumbrance, and not superstitious. For my own part,
I am a widower without daughters.
The Recent Manoeuvres.
(Extract from Private Letter to Corporal Ptinishtnent.)
" THE Artists' Corps looked as fresh as paint. The evolution, in
obedience to the command ' High Lights on left cheek forward,' was
beautifully managed. Their precision at the word- ' Draw ' was
admirable. These are the boys who would like a brush with the
enemy."
SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
127
SOMETHING NEAT.
Customer (demurely). " HALF A QUARTERN OF ' OLD TOM,' a YOU PLXABB I
AND COULD YOU OBLIGE MB WITH A BIT OF SUGAR?"
Gallant Boniface. " VERY SOBRY I CAN'T SERVE YOU, Miss I Bur THE NEW
ACT is VERY STRICT : WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BEKVX YOUNG PEOPLE AFFL-
UENTLY UNDER SIXTEEN 1 1 "
A (TEA) DRINKING; sox(;.
Mr brethren all.
Come drink with me.
Both great and small,
Sip off your tea.
Fill up the pot
This draught, my dean,
Inebriate* not,
But only cheers.
Yonr nectar brown
Then freely i>our
By spoonfuls down,
And call for more.
Your Gunpowder,
For all its name,
Fear not to stir ;
It won't inflame.
When not too strong,
O nice Pekoe!
0 rare Souchong !
O choice Kaisow !
How fond I am
Of right Chinee I
But with Assam
Content can be.
Dull care we '11 kill ;
Blend black and green,
We '11 sit and swill
Till all 's serene.
Whilst they who choose
In beer delight.
And " Burton*' booze,
Until they 're tight.
We won't go home
Till bedtime 's near.
Hence we '11 not roam,
But we '11 stay here.
The gas may waste ;
Who fears, may nee :
But we will taste
The old Bohea.
FOHCE OF HABIT.— Recently two Bankers met abroad.
They at once began to Compare Note*.
VACATION LABOUES.
" Why, 'tis my Vacation, HAL ! Tis no sin for a man to labour in hie
Vacation ! "—Fatstaff (with a difference).
MB. GLADSTONE is indulging in unusual relaxation ; so much so,
indeed, that, after the accustomed labours of the day, he spends as
much as half an hour, three evenings in the week, in his favourite
game of spillikins.
MB. GOSCHEN is improving his nautical mind by going through a
course of nautical reading. His studies have extended through a
wide range of literature, embracing DIBDIN'S Songs, The Pilot, Let
Travailleurs de la Mer, and Mr. Midshipman Eaty.
ME. AYBTON has been moving, as befits him, in the most polite
society, and fostering his love of Art by reading, for the tenth time,
MB. llirsKiN's noble work on Modern Painters.
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHKQUEB is engaged in a momentous
and minute calculation of the saving which, he thinks, might be
next year effected in the Estimates, by making Government officials
all use sand instead of blotting-paper, and employ common pack-
thread in lieu of costly red tape for tying up their letters.
MB. BBUCE is fully occupied in framing such a code of extenua-
ting circumstances as will in every probability suffice for the con-
donement of all capital offences.
MB. WHALLBY is engaged in writing the Lives of the Popes,
whereof the manuscript, as well as a presentation copy, he will pro-
bably crave leave to deposit in the Vatican.
SIB WILFRID LAWSON has been making a tour among the .hop-
pickers, to persuade them to abstain from gathering a crop which is
grown well nigh entirely for the use of the concocters of intoxicating
liquor.
The ATTOBNEY-GENERAL has employed the greater part of his
vacation in compiling such a series of instructions to our Magistrates
as shall prevent a brutal wife-beater from being punished with more
leniency than a petty larcenist.
MB. CABDWBLL, to keep up his military knowledge, devote*, in
his vacation, above an hour a day to practising the goose-step. _
LOBD SHAFTESBURY, being ordered to take more active exercise, is
learning, under the eye of a competent professional, to play the
noble game of skittles.
MB. DISBAELI is busily employed in perfecting his notion of a
" Comprehensive Church, which shall comprehend the Moslemites,
the Buddhists, the Hebrews, and the Christians.
MB. GiLPDf hag given up_ the wearing of " Suspenders," and. in
his vehemence against hanging, has taken down the pictures that
hung in his dining-room.
LORD ELCHO has been volunteering his suggestions to the War
Office, with a view to their adoption at the next Manoeuvres.
MB. MIALL has spent a great part of his vacation in dream-
ing of the day when a motion may be made to disestablish the
Dissenters.
And finally, Mr. Punch has, as usual, nobly sacrificed his holiday
in devoting the best part of it to the interests of his readers.
EQUALLY COMFORTABLE.
IN an account of an interment of which the circumstances were
remarkable, a reporter states, in a newspaper, that a special funeral
and a private grave were paid for by a lady, " and but for this the
poor girl would have been buried on Friday last with the pariah
paupers." Her lot would then have been no more and no less envi-
able by a philosopher, even if an Epicurean, than that of anybody
buried in Westminster Abbey. In any sensible respect, to such
citizens as these of a necropolis, it is all the same everywhere under-
ground. It is not to be numbered and associated with dead paupers
that a thinking person would dislike, but with living.
THE OLEASTERS QUESTION.— Will the Bakers rise ?
VOL. LXITI.
128
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
HEN, THAT," says
my Aunt, reflect-
ively," isa Bonser."
I regret to say
that, reading Wanze
for Bonser, the fact
admits no possibility
of doubt.
" Let me see.
says my Aunt, still
with an air of medi-
tation over the life-
less body, " what
is the French for
WanserP" She is
evidently preparing
to encounter them
in all languages.
Happy Thought.
— Never met with
them in French.
Up to this time I
had always been
under the impres-
sion that they were
peculiar to English
lodging-houses.
I refer to the
Dictionary. " The German Wanze," I presently inform my Aunt,
"is, in French, La Punaise."
My Aunt is immensely astonished. " Why, goodness me ! " she
exclaims, " that 's what they called ATW OF JOKE— wasn't it ? "
" Called whom, Aunt ?"
" JOAN or ARC," she replies ; " they always called her JOAN LA
PUNAISE. Now what could be the reason of that ? "
Happy Thought (admitting the supposition that she was so called).
— Because her name was a bug-bear to the English. I suggest that
La Pucelle is what my Aunt means.
"Ah yes," she returns, instantly, "but it's easy to get such
words mixed, for really, Pusaine and Punelle are very much
alike."
As regards this present specimen, I want to know if my Aunt
thinks there are many more where that came from '( "
She simply answers " Swarms."
Happy Thought.— Look, out " Swarm." Result, Der Schtcarm.
"That's enough," my Aunt says. "Now ring the bell for the
servant."
This process is a remarkably primitive one. There is on the table
a small bell, which emits, on being shaken violently, a propor-
tionately feeble tinkle. Regarded in the light of an amusement,
it might beguile a spare five minutes ; but for any such practical
purpose as summoning a domestic from a depth of two flights of
stairs, and through a thickness of two doors, it is, perhaps, a trifle
ineffective.
On some office-doors I remember having seen a brass-plate with
the instruction " Ring and enter " engraved on it. Ringing seemed
as superfluous as in the present case, where the direction should be,
" Ring, and then shout as loudly as you can for the servant." I
ring to begin with, but what am I to shout ? What is the servant's
name?
Happy Thought. — Being in Germany, try GBETCHEN.
Subsequently, after experimentalising three times, alter it to
"MABIE!" Voice from below answers to this, and it is evident
that a spirit has been summoned from the vasty— or in this instance,
judging of the place from the appearance of the person— the nasty
deep, and is coming when I do call.
" Give it her well," says my Aunt, " and say that we shall leave
this afternoon."
" But we can't speak German to her," I object.
My Aunt is equal to the emergency. " Tell her, then," she says,
" to send Miss Whatshername here— the Frauselle or the Madelein,
or whatever they call the Young Person who keeps the house.
CAPTAIN QUOBTESFITE said that it was most likely she was a Belman
and not a Gergian, and only talked French, and I 'm sure her sister
spoke very well yesterday. You'd better ring, or call again."
I do so. My Aunt is keeping her wrath up to boiling-point by
looking daggers at the miserable Wanser, which she has nailed, as it
were, to the pomatum-pot lid, like a bad penny to a counter.
Happy Thought (after calling again). — Look out the subject in
Conversation Book. Retire with it into bedroom, and let my Aunt
commence the attack.
The Zimmermadchen, however, appears sooner than I had ex-
pected. She is a slipsloppy maiden, fresh from the boot polish or
the black-lead, with which cheerful colour she has been smearing
her face, perhaps with a sort of savage Indian's idea of frighten-
ing the enemy. The enemy being ourselves, the Lodgers. She
is, as my Aunt afterwards says, exactly like that of a Flemish
barmaid in any old picture of "boors drinking." "She is," she
adds, " the perfect sick family of one of those figures." (It occurs
to me afterwards, on referring for "sick family " to Dixon's John-
sonary, that my Aunt meant fac simile.) Her stockings are
wrinkled all about her heels, which have, apparently, outgrown
her slippers. She is altogether so much like an over-boiled pud-
ding in a cloth that she seems to be merely kept together by pins
of prodigious strength stuck in at those points of her dress which
are most likely to yield to interior pressure. If one of these pins
were to give way suddenly, the result would be too dreadful to
contemplate.
Happy Thought.— Don't contemplate it.
As to her hair, it 's done up with one twist behind like the small
top of a cottage loaf. With her half silly, half cunning expression,
she reminds my Aunt of the Gooseted Tuff at the Zoological
Gardens.
The Madchen is evidently either an old performer in this Act of
the Drama of the Wanser, or she is an imbecile. The former for
choice. At first she pretends, much to my Aunt's disgust, not to be
able to perceive the impounded insect ; but incapable of sustaining
this assumption of character for more than five minutes, she admits,
in pantomime, that she can see it, and looking up into my Aunt's
face, with an ingenuously simple grin, she asks, quite with the air
of one profoundly desirous of being instructed by our superior
wisdom, " Was ist das f "
" Was ist das f " retorts my Aunt, speaking excellent German in
her imitative indignation. " You conknowsey well enough. Das
ist Wanaiser, Bonser ? And what 's more," she adds, warming with
her subject, and finding that her mastery over the German language
exceeds her fondest expectations, " dere ist sehwarms of dese Bon-
sers in mein room."
I prompt her with the word "Zimmer," which she adopts, finish-
ing emphatically with " Ja, dere ist sehwarms of Zimmers in de
Bonser/'
Happy Thought. — To make the matter clearer to the Madchen,
who at present appears to be inclined to do nothing but grin, as
German for the possessive " her," unless it 's " hern," which I don't
like to try), then on my fingers, " Ein, Ziaei, Drei," and so on up
to ten : meaning Wansers.
Happy Thought.— Recollect (while I am doing this) an absurd
song about Ten Little^ Niggers, whose number was perpetually being
reduced. Adapted in my mind to present occasion — Ten Little
Wansers,
Ten little Wansers
In de Zimmer, mein,
One squashed on the pomatum-pot lid-
Then there were nine.
One little, two little, three little, four little, five little
Wanser B . . oys.
&c.
The Zimmermadchen is more amused than ever, though I don't
sing her this verse, but on the contrary preserve an austere front.
" Ein, zwei, drei," she repeats, and positively shakes her head with
laughter, as much as to say, " 0, go along with you, do ; you are so
funny."
" Idiot ! " says my Aunt, highly irritated. " That's her artful-
ness. She knows, as well as possible, what we 've been saying to
her."
My Aunt's fixed belief, with regard to all foreigners, is that they
all thoroughly understand you, but pretend not, just to annoy an
Englishman, and give themselves time to think over their plan,
whatever it may be.
" Don't tell me," she says, pettishly, " that they don't know what
I 'm saying. They do. That girl does. Pretending not to know a
Bonser when she sees it ! Bah ! I wouldn't believe her on her oath.
Tell her to go down-stairs and send up someone who isn't quite such
a fool, or such a knave."
This is difficult to render in German — I mean in my German.
Happy Thought. — To ask for the Landlady.
" ro ist die " — so far I fancy I 'm grammatical, though I 'am a
little uncertain as to die — " Vo ist die" — I stick at " Landlady." I
can only think of Landwehr. Madchen grins. " Idiot! " my Aunt
again mutters. I reconstruct my sentence with a new idea, " Vo ist
die FKAULEIN FBOWSTEB ? "
In answer the Madchen has a great deal to say to both of us,
which, delivered with the utmost volubility, is of an apparently
explanatory character. I fancy that she is giving a lecture on
Wansers, containing arguments, based upon facts within her owa
experience, which are all favourable towards our not giving up the
lodgings.
SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
129
" They "re all alike," says my Aunt, when the Madchen pauses to
take breath. " I know as well as possible what, she 's been saying,
though I couldn't quite follow all she said."
Happy Thought.— To say generally, " I couldn't quite follow,"
when one really hasn't understood a single word.
My Aunt continues, " I '11 be bound she 's been saying that she 's
never seen anything of the sort in the lodgings before wa came, and
that if there are Bonsers here, we must have brought them ourselves.
The idea of our going about swarmellinir with travels of Bonsers,
like the man with the Illustrious Fleas. Horrid! "
Does she really think the Maid has been saying this, I ask.
"Certainly," returns my Aunt; "that's what they'd say in
England."
Happy Thought.— Patriotic Song, What will they say m England ?
Reply to this, by my Aunt, That 's what they 'd say in England.
'• lio tell her," says my Aunt, impatiently, "to send BDWXKI
i tt here, and get rid of her."
//<//)/»/ Carman Thought.—1'' Die FBAULBIN FBOWSTER nach here
kammen machen," by which I intend to convey " Make Miss FROW-
SIER come here."
" Ja, Herr" she answers. Exit, grinning.
" I wonder what she 's gone to say or do," my Aunt answers.
So do I. By the way, there 's one difficulty that strikes me. It is,
what is our legal position in Germany with regard to the Landlady
and the lodgings?
Have we taken the rooms by the month, or week, or day, or wna
Is it possible to take them for less than a month in Germany?
What arrangement did FORTESCUE make ? He never told us.
we go away on the first day, can they sue us for a month's rent ?
If sued, in what Court, and. who is the best solicitor to go to ? A
German solicitor, who only speaks his own language, won't do,
Suppose FORTESCUK, as our agent, to have made a contract for a
month, do Wansers invalidate it ? Then, if there is a lawsuit, isn't
the practice in Germany regulated by the Court-Martial spirit, and
isn't the loser, in addition to paying his loss, punished with im-
prisonment in a fortress ? "A German might be," says my Aunt,
" but not an English person who claimed protection under the
Flattish Brig."
I suppose she 's right, but there seems to be a difficulty about it
somewhere.
Happy Thought.— In answer to my Aunt's despairing "What
can we do ? " it suddenly occurs to me that my friend DR. CASPAR
will come and settle the matter in his own language. I volunteer
to go out and fetch him.
CASPAR has settled it with a high hand, judging by his manner,
and tone.
Tlie Young Person quailed before him, and the grinning Madchen
became dumb and glum. From CASPAR'S way of " giving it them,
I can judge how a Prussian Officer could make requisitions when he
wished to present the victims with a bit of his mind. My Aunt
said afterwards, " that she really felt for the unhappy people in the
shop, and it was only by thinking of the Bonsers that she could
keep herself from Doctoring beggor CASPAR not to scold them so
We won't try any more lodgings, but move over to the Grande
Monarque, to which hotel I wish we 'd gone on our arrival.
THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN.
Petition of the llelU of the Seaton to Mr. Punch.
UR DEAR OLD I'
The humble
tition ot the
arable MARY
SI-UIKU:, usually
known a.i " I. HIT
That your Pe-
• haa been
called the 1:
the Seaton, during
the last lummer :
That ahe haa two
sisters married ; one
to a banker, who has
not an idea of any-
thing beyond mak-
ing money and dii-
playing hia wealth ;
the other to an heir
tn a I1.-, rat.-. :>:. i : B
estates, who bears in
his face unmisUke-
able evidence of the
truth of the report
that there is heredi-
tary madness in the
family:
That she believes both of her sisters to be very unhappily married :
That she is a simple-minded English girl, who would do her beat
to make herself a good and loving wife [who '11 murder old
jiuly t—P.] and she does not mean to lie away her heart to pleaae
anyone '
That she has been made the subject of newspaper parairraphs by
newspaper reporters who have talked of her aa "the charming debu-
tante." and who have announced her marriage with a nobleman t<
whom she never said a word, and have af terwarda contradicted the
That your Petitioner's mother and her intimate frienda have con-
stituted themselves a kind of domestic police, and have driven away
every honest young fellow who would make her an affectionate
husband, and surrounded her with lounging dandies, milhonnaires,
and young Peers, many of whom have a very doubtful reputation :
That she has been turned into a Milliner's dummy, and satis
with dresses, bonnets, and trumpery of all kinds, which ahe believea
her mother cannot afford to pay for :
That she has been ordered about, and dresaed and undrestad 1
a doll, for morning rides, garden parties, .afternoon ndes, dinner
parties, operas, balls, and (0, Mr. Punch, Sir!) churches:
That her life is a burthen to her, and ahe is now being carnei
about from country-house to country-house in Scotland, with tt
certainty of suffering the same penance in England whe
MORE AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
(Answers to Sporting Corre»pondtnts.~)
Bullethead.—~Xou can shoot without a licence, and on anybody's
?r °Win'kle.— A shooting licence must be signed by the ARCHBISHOP
OF CASTEBBTTBY.
Mufti.— In using muzzle-loaders, which are now almost ex] .ed,
it is unsportsmanlike to put the wad in first and then the shot.
Upup.—The best weapon for lark-shooting is a seven-cl
^ J5o»e TQuickshot.— The only gun for hares is one fitted with a hare-
trigger. But why ask such a question ?
Wheels within Wheels.
WE had supposed that the custom of breaking on the wheel had
been abolished, except in the case of butterflies (as when an educated
man reviews a fast lady's novel), hut it seems that in Servia tl
punishment is retained, and that two miscreants were so put to
death in July last. They deserved that or any other bad fate. .
in the interest of civilisation, Mr. Punch ventures to speak to th
Man at the Wheel,"-!, e., the wheel of state in Servia, and to
suggest that the torturing criminals to death is an anachroni
At all events he should administer chloroform, or the JSnglis
leading articles of September.
asoms a dear old Bachelor 1>-1<- who has about n th..-;- m :
a year, and who has promiaed her six hundred a year if she marriea
the man she loves, and the remainder on his death : _
That the Curate of her parish, the Riv. MR. DAISY, is a thorough
gentleman, and a man of noble disposition, who looks after h
That the said Curate pulled Stroke in the Oxford boat, and has a
^. Curate would like to marry her, and ahe would like to
1 YourVetitionCT,' therefore, humbly prays dear old Punch to aave
her from her friends, and give her leave to marry the Curate
And your Petitioner wifl ever pray, &o., ftc.
[We shall give her away ourselves on condition that we lns«
Bride, and we ahall find out the Biahop of the diocese, and intei
with his shovel' hat, unless he gives the Curate a comfortabh
parsonage immediately.— P.]
Stupid Verse on Stupid Act.
THE Germans have arrested— Who ?
(You should say whom) MOXSIBUR ABOUT.
What has he done, 1 ask of you P
Called Germany a Bug-About.
FRKE TRtxsLxnos.-Midio tutiuimu* JW». Tha Ibis is safest
in the meadow.
130
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.
s
PLAIN SPEAKING.
Aunt. "WELL, BABY, CAN YOU SPEAK MORE DISTINCTLY THAN WHEN WE LA.ST MET?"
Elder Brother. "0, YES, INDEED, AUNT I HE CAN CALL A SPADE A SPADE!"
JONATHAN'S JUDGMENT.
WAL, now we Ve gained our cause, and the Award.
I guess we can't act nohow but accord.
It is A triumph ; that 's a fact : but still,
They have considerably taxed our bill.
Three millions and a quarter. Come, I say.
We axed three hundred millions t' other day.
And, if we had got half of that air sum,
Of Arbitration somethin' would have come.
JOHN BULL ! What 'a that amount to that old Hoss ?
Ourselves won't feel the gain, nor he the loss.
Our claims cut down as close as madmen's hair,
I guess we shan't make much by that affair.
Bound if we have to be by our own rules,
We shall have made ourselves tarnation fools
When we air called on to, in arter years,
Keep filibusters back, and privateers.
But then we may repudiate the cuss ;
Not do what we d have done, but the revus? .
Meanwhile together in a Lovia' Cap,
COLUMBIAH and BBITANNIAB liquors up.
Two Sides of the Shield.
UNDER the above title MB. HAMILTON N. HOABE, in a letter to the
Times of Sept. 18th, enters into a controversy about the first ascent
of Mount Colon. MB. HOABE claims the honour of the first ascent
for himself and another gentleman. As far as we can see, some one
in going up Mount Colon came to a full stop ; so, for the future, we
shall name it Hoare's Bank, so that whenever the artistic traveller
comes to a check, he can sit down and draw upon it.
BRIDGE'S TRIGGERNOMETRY.
(iates< Edition.)
"To go about armed with pistols, for the purpose, or pretended
purpose, of fighting a duel, renders offenders rogues and vagabonds."
So, and most properly, said MB. BBIDGE, Hammersmith Beak ; and
by way of giving a lively colour to his remark, he sent a couple of
Frenchmen, MM. MOISE and VINE, who had been quarrelling about
their " honour," to prison for fourteen days with hard labour.
Parisian journal?, please copy, if the Editors understand sufficient
English to translate. How JULES, ALPHONSE, and VICTOR will
scowl and sputter at the news, over their halfpenny cigars and
dominoes, in their cafe ! English duelling was really killed on the
day the barber winged the linendraper's apprentice — we, of course,
forget the names. The "hard labour" will be the fatal warning
for our foreign visitors. Still, it is better to pick hemp than to
have hemp picked for you by le S/EWZ CALCRAFT, " MONSIEUR DE
LONDON."
Traveller by Coach.
THERE is a certain Act, the which right through
Be driven a coach-and-six, thank goodness, can.
What is that permeable Act, and who
To permeate it, think you, is the man ?
That Act 's the Licensing Act. 0, what fan !
A great success, if riots framed to stir.
The man is you, or I, or anyone ;
To wit, a bond fide traveller.
PBIZE BIDDLE.
WHY would a Novel written by CHABLES READS and any other
fellow be like pitch ?
Because it would be Bi-tu-men.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYARL-SEPrniBEB 28, 1872.
THE LOVING CUP.
THIS WE BURY ALL UNKIXDNESS I "-Shaktptare.
SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
133
SCANDALOUS OLD SOLDIERS.
a Waterloo Veteran is a gentleman, in the enjoyment of a
handsome pension, in addition, perhaps, to a private fortune,
ne is. an ornament to the land which has given him birth,
and given him not only that, but also a reward for his ser-
vices. But a Waterloo Veteran, who fought at the battle of that name as a
mon soldier, and still exists in the condition of a labourer forced to earn a
scanty hying, at an advanced age, is a Disgrace to his Country. Only, that he
is so is his country's fault.
The Times of Wednesday last week contained two letters from two several
clergymen, each proclaiming the existence of a Disgrace to his Country in the
person of an aged Waterloo Veteran.
DISGRACE No. I.-SAMTTEL SPORTIS, Waterloo Veteran, aged seventy-nine.
Resides in the parish of Terrington, Lynn, Norfolk. Has a daughter who has
been bed-ridden for the last fifteen yean on a parish
allowance of •>». ««/. a week. Can earn but im&ll wages,
and is in daily expectation of getting pait work. Is, on
the testimony of the UKV. C. Um, Vicar of Terring-
ton, thoroughly respectable and industrious, and a most
necessitous and worthy object of charity.
DISGRACE No. 2.— JAMES HOUJKS. Served at Waterloo
in a regiment of Ilorse Artillery. Dismissed at the
reduction of the Army in Hit;, too early for him to be
entitled to a pension. Is now in his eighty-first year,
and, from failing health, unable to earn any more thai
a few pence at a time. Has no relations to assist him,
so that, in the words of the REV. HK.NKT PARK.
of Yoxford, Suffolk, "the much-dreaded workhou*
threatens to be his home."
It is highly probable that public subscriptions will
very soon practically redeem these two Waterloo Veter-
ans from the beggarly position of being Disgraces to
their Country. But whilst such meritorious old Cocks
remain unprovided for, they will always constitute
Disgraces to their Country's Government.
A Triumph of Spiritualism.
Tin: London Correspondent of a respectable country
paper states that "it is rumoured that MR. ATRTOX
has turned Spiritualist." We are not only in a position
to confirm this report, but further to add that the Chiei
Commissioner of Works has, as the American Spiritualists
express themselves, "developed right away" into a
Medium. From a source which is perfectly, as they also
say, "reliable," we hare moreover ascertained that the
Right Honourable Gentleman has, whilst under spiritual
influence, laid out a market-garden, carved a statuette,
painted a picture, made a copy of TOTSOS, and dictated (in
the trance-state) a OMfteejus official letter.
KEELDJG
" HAPPT is the country that has no history," as the
Schoolboy said on being flogged for the third time for
not knowing who was HESKI THE SIXTH'S wife.
LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.
Iir the interval which has elapsed since last we invited our readers
to wander hand in hand with us adown the flowery slopes of Litera-
ture, Science, and Artj which, for convenience, will in future be
cited as L., 8., and A., if the abbreviation does not too much savour
of Railways, Literature has been resting on its oars, and Art repo-
sing on its laurels. Science alone has been making great strides,
wending to "fresh woods and pastures new" (MXLTON, Lycidas,
line 193) at Brighton, and Social Science wandering as far as
Plymouth and Devonport.
The time, however, has now arrived when shortening days and
falling leaves and failing purses will bring the slaves of the pen
and the votaries of the paintbrush back, by the ordinary modes of
conveyance, to their haunts and homes ; when the study and the
studio will teem with bright creations of the fertile brain and
nimble hand, " Thick as autumnal leaves that strow the brooks In
Vallombrosa" (MILTON, Paradise Lost, book i., line 302) ; and the
air be full of rumours of new poems, new pictures, and fresh substi-
tutes for butchers' meat.
A few words as to our own preparations for the hour when L., 8.,
and A. will again wake up to life. We have made arrangements with
newspaper correspondents who rank " in the foremost files of time "
(TENNYSON, Locksley Hall, near the end), with the office-bearers of
all the learned Societies and Academies whose transactions are to
be found on the shelves of the Library of the British Museum, with
savans in every corner of the globe, " from China to Peru " -
SON, Vanity of Human Wishes, line 2), "or by the lazy Scheld,
or wandering Po" (GOLDSMITH, Traveller, line 2), wherever, in
fact, L., S., and A. are not unknown to fame; with the leading
publishers, the most eminent painters, the greatest chemists and
druggists, to supply us, in the first instance by telegram and then
with fuller details by post, with all that is new and interesting
in their respective walks of art and branches of knowledge. Thus,
our readers will be the first to hear from the ardent astronomer,
when on the watch " in some high lonely tower " (MiLTON, // Pen-
sieroso, line 86), " a new planet swims into his ken " (KEATS, Sonnet
ix.) ; the first to share the ecstasy of the rapt poet enriching his
native dictionary with " thoughts that breathe, and words that burn "
(GBAY, Progress of Poesy, line 110) ; the first to participate in the
happiness of the painter when with his " mind's eye " (Hamlet,
Act L, Sc. 2), he catches the earliest glimpse of the glorious inspira-
tion which is hereafter to augment his fame and increase the annual
revenue of the Royal Academy ; and the first to applaud the patient
investigation of the philosopher, when he discovers another lustrous
metal, another iridescent dye, or teaches persons with small incomes
and large families how to economise fuel in open grates.
As an earnest and foretaste of what we mean to do, weather
permitting, we had hoped to have been able to give some authentic
and final information respecting the Sea Serpent, his dimensions,
diet, amusements, &c.t but he has again eluded our grasp ; and as
the season is now drawing to a close when he finds it most convenient
to appear in American. Irish, and Scottish waters, another year
will probably be ushered in with the usual bell-ringing before the
Zoological Gardens are able to advertise the great Ophidian as
amongst their more recent additions. Meanwhile, it might be
desirable that funds should be collected and an expedition organised
and equipped to proceed in search of this and other creatures — the
mermaid, phoamx, unicorn, griffin, &c.,— of whose existence the
naturalist and the man of science still entertain some doubt. The
CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER could hardly refuse to aid so
important an object with a grant out of any surplus he may happen
to have, after providing for the payment of three millions in gold
at Washington by September next.
Speaking of the Zoological Gardens, visitors proceeding to that
popular and pleasing resort, and lingering by the way to admire the
sylvan scenery of the Regent's Park, should not fail on their next
visit, or at the very latest their next but one, to make themselves
acquainted with the most recent additions to the mammals, marsu-
pials, raptatores, rodents, and quadrumana.
The taste for Aquariums is rapidly spreading. No large town can
possibly remain long without one, if it means to be in the van at the
next Census. We nave the pleasure of announcing that the Cor-
poration of London have expressed their readiness to present a live
and lively turtle to any Aquarium Company which will give a
written guarantee that it shall never be diverted to the pleasures of
the table. The animals will be sent down, free of all expense, in
charge of the Sword and Mace Bearers, and for the first year they
will be visited every quarter by an Alderman who has not passed
the chair, to see that they are comfortable and have everything
they require.
MR. MOUSTATNE Muss is understood to be busily engaged writing
his autobiography. It will include some very interesting details of
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAR [V ART.
•SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.
MASKS AND FACES.
OUB TALL YOUNG MAN HAS BEEN BOWING TO LADIES ALL THE FORENOON ; BTTT WHO THE DICKENS ANY OP THEM ARE, HE HASN'T
THS FAINTEST IDEA.
his ancestors, and the part they played in the invasion of Britain,
the Crusades, the "Wars of the Roses, the Great Rebellion, and the
" 0. P." Riots ; many exciting: reminiscences of his childish sports
and pursuits j and a fae- simile, now for the first time given to the
public, of his earliest literary effort, a Valentine, composed by
MB. Muss in his eighth year, which has long been one of the most
highly-prized treasures amongst the family muniments at Mouse-
hurst.
Literary Circles are on the tiptoe of expectation respecting a
forthcoming volume of Essays by an unknown author. By those
who have been privileged to see the proof-sheets, they are pro-
nounced to possess the sagesse of BACON, the savoirfaire of MON-
TAIGNE, the tendresse of COWLEY, the esprit of ADDISON, the naivete
of SHENSTONE, the Me of LAMB, the gaiete of LEIGH HUNT, the elan
of EMEBSON, and the verve of SIB ABTHUB HELPS.
The publishing season will now soon be inaugurated with the
usual dinners. On all sides the poets are tuning their lyres, the
historians are whitewashing their favourites and blackening their
betes noires, the travellers are heightening their adventures, the
novelists are winding up their plots and disposing of their trouble-
some characters, the philosophers are busy in their museums and
laboratories, and the professors of the culinary art are testing and
tasting the dishes which will appear in the new editions of their
cookery books. We shall have something very particular to say
shortly^ about the Christmas publications which in their literary
attractions, their illustrations, their binding, their paper, and their
unusually handsome gilt edges, are likely to surpass everything
which has hitherto been produced.
A new Monthly Magazine will brighten the gloom of November.
The opening number will contain the commencements of four novels
by as many of our most thrilling novelists ; but what will specially
distinguish this periodical from all others is, that it will invariably
appear with the same number of articles— thirty-nine.
Some new benches of tasteful appearance, and with comfortable
sloping backs, have been placed jn Hyde Park. As these seats en-
able visitors to view the Memorial with greater ease, a reference to
them cannot be considered out of place in a column devoted to
L., S., and A.
THREE MILLION AND A HALF OF SOLDIERS.
ACCOBDING to the Berlin Post, the three Emperors who have
recently met for some purpose — possibly for a game of three-handed
cribbage — have under their control, in round numbers, three millions
and a half of soldiers.
"When the august Trio pondered over the reports by the Special
Correspondents of our mimic warfare in Wilts and Dorset, they
ought to have borne in mind the fact, that all the world who could
get away, rushed down to Salisbury to see thirty thousand men
j under arms, that being a greater number of soldiers than had ever
been seen within the memory of the oldest inhabitant. The rarity
of the siirht is occasioned by there being no necessity for a standing
army in England. A foreign invader would find, instead of imaginary
foes, such as the paper armies who harassed the little band in the
west, the British fleet round our surf-beaten island, and — with the
exception of a few ruffians from foreign countries, who are abusing
our hospitality by marching about with red caps on a Sunday, and
the blockheads who are led by them — a whole nation in arms.
Good Fellowship.
THE Huntingdon Agricultural Society have been holding their
annual exhibition. At the dinner which followed the Show, MB.
FELLOWES in the chair, LOBD KESTEVEN proposed " The Ladies," for
which MBS. FELLOWES responded, and was— the Hunts, men fully
appreciating the favour so graciously done to them — " received
with much cheering." The report does not of course pretend to tell
us all that passed, but we conclude the company did not separate
without joining in a stave of a good old-fashioned chorus, with
the burden, for this special occasion only, " For she 's a jolly
good FELLOWES " — an assertion which we venture to affirm.
" Nobody will deny."
SCIENCE IN SEASON.
THE weather, this year, was very suitable to the proceedings
both of the National Association for the Promotion of Science, and
the Social Science Congress. It was remarkably dry.
SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
AN IRISH DIFFICULTY.
Secretary of Mendicity Society. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MY GOOD WOMAN!"
(Answer unintelligible.)
Secretary of Mendicity Society. " PERHAPS YOU'LL SPELL IT FOR M«?"
Applicant. " SHURE, AND HOW COULD I SPELL ME NAME WHEN I'VE LOST
ALL ME FRONT TKETH, YOUR HONOUR?"
OX SWALLOWING XATIY
Mmlras Times complains that any sort of native
of Iii'lii can make his way, here, into society which he
would not dare to approach with hi* thoet on, in hi*
native country. We are like mackerel, we are caught
by any bit of coloured rag and tinsel. Our Madras con-
temporary suggests that all natives going to Knglund
should be obliged to register themselves, so thir
statut might be <->>miirchended here. At present, Indian
shopkeepers, it is alleged, are received, in blind faith,
by gushing Duchesses and cosmopolitan Countesses.
But, after all, what harm is doner A lady adds the
coloured person to her party just as she adds any other
novelty that can amuse her guests and incense her rivals,
and if RAM Si.v. .II-I...KHNVM I'm U.LE« NAUTCH oomes
in his pretty dress, and makes a feature in the group,
he has earned his supper, and the party has seen a real
live " heathen." The facts that the poor Indian may
have an untutored mind, and have drowned his aged
grandmother in the Ganges, do not seem to the pur-
pose. It is more so, if he v. nli-s the eternal telegram
from India, " shirtings unchanged," but this point is
not raised. Please, Madrtu Tmui, do not help to make
our parties stupider ; you would not if you knew how
dull they are, with Indians, dowagers, said all.
A dry for a Croeier.
WANTED: A BISHOP.— A number of Clergymen of
High Church principles contemplate, in a certain eventu-
ality, Recession from the Establishment. In order, of
themselves, to constitute a True Church, and subsist as
such, they require an Episcopate. If any Wildly ordained
Bishop in Christendom will undertake to supply their
want of a Spiritual Head in his own person, they will
make it worth his while, so long as he governs them in
accordance with their own ideas. A retired Colonial
would find this a good opportunity. No objection to a
member of the Abyssinian Episcopacy. For further
particulars wait; or apply to the REV. E. B. P., or
ARCHDEACON D., 85, Fleet Street.
Babylondom.
PROTESTAST contrpvertists are accustomed to apply
the name of an ancient Asiatic capital to Papal Rome.
But it is London which, under the restraint of such
nursery legislation as the Anti-Sunday Excursionist
Licensing Act, deserves to be called Baby-Ion.
CRIMINAL MAGNETISM.
" Gus did it." Did what? Shot, from jealousy, first his sweet-
heart, and then himself, dangerously if not mortally wounding both.
The reporter who chronicles this attempt at murder and suicide, in
a paragraph of several lines (at a penny a-pieoe P), calls it " another
tragic occurrence " — an actual murder having been lately committed
in the same neighbourhood. He mentions that, after Gus and his
victim had been removed in a cab to St. Bartholomew's Hospital,
still " thousands of persons surrounded the house " that had been
the scene of the occurrence which he calls tragic. Fancy, Gus ; a
Tragedy in One Act. You can, perhaps ; and you can fancy spec-
tators of its performance; of such quality as the audience of the
tragedy in A Midsummer Night's Dream. But can you, Reader of
Punch, fancy yourself one of the "thousands of persons" above-
mentioned who " surrounded the house " P Can you enter into their
feelings, and think, for a moment, their thoughts ? No ; the mys-
teries of the Popular Heart are too profound for even you. The
house which thousands of your Kind surrounded, when the tragic
occurrence which had taken place inside it was over, stands in
Hoxton. Hoxton must send a very large contingent to Earlswood.
Notice to a Non-Contributor.
MR. PUNCH, in respectful imitation of his daily contemporaries,
has dispatched a Special Correspondent to Harrogate. The young
man (old, however, in objectionable courses) has not only sent up
no description of the place, but excuses himself by saying that he
cannot bear to approach his inkstand, as the ink smells exactly liie
the Chalybeate he is ordered to take. This excuse shall serve him
this week, but our Solicitor shall serve him the next, unless repent-
ance be manifested in manuscript.
THE SABBATARIAN BORE.
THE thanks of all people accustomed to take walk*, or go on
excursions, and require refreshments on their way, on Sundays,
will be voted to MESSRS. NICHOLSON and LERMTTTB, Magistrates of
Highgate Police Court, for dismissing a summons taken out by the
Commissioners of Police against the respectable landlady of the
Flask public-house, MRS. REBECCA DICKENSON, and a number of
decent persons, charging the former with serving, and the latter
with being served with, "intoxicating liquors" at twelve o clock
noon, of a Sunday. The landlady said that her customers, the other
defendants, had declared themselves bond fide travellers, and they,
for their part, said they were. The Bench believed they had a dis-
cretion in cases such as the one before them ; and accordingly they
exercised a wise discretion in a question created by unwise legis-
lators. Yet the plight of the Public remains this ; that the Public
cannot use their public-house, even on the true plea of being bona
fide travellers, without exposing themselves to the danger of being
pulled up by officious and perhaps bribed Policemen, before s
Justice, possibly a Justice Midas, and a Sabbatarian hypocrite or
bigot ; when the Bench would, because it could, use no discretion at
all, and, for obtaining needful refreshments at their own time, woul
punish them with a penalty of forty shillings ! How long is thu
nuisance to be endured ?
A Novelty to Talk About.
" The new piece, Babil and Bijou, is certainly in one rapeet a most deotdeJ
novelty, for it comprises altogether above forty speaking character*.
" FORTY speaking characters ! " muttered MR. FUSJUHOT, layin?
down his v.ewspa->"r. " Well, no wonder that the play is called
Bab~-,'.e an '
136
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1872.
$
SEASONABLE.
TFi/e (returning from Shopping). " HULLO, GEORGE! WHAT'S THIS? HAVE YOU BEEN ORDERING COALS?"
Biisland (greatly elated). " No, MY DEAR ; BUT A NOTE FROM BLOGGIMS — ACTUALLY — MOST KIND — HAD NO LUCK ON THB MOOES.
So, AS HE CAN'T SEND us ANY BIRDS, BEGS OUR ACCEPTANCE OF HALF A TON OF COALS I ! "
Wife. " How NICE ! Now WE CAN HAVE THAT LITTLE DINNER-PARTY 1 "
HORSE-STEALERS AND HEDGE-PEEPERS.
" WE are a great people entirely." Let England make that Irish
boast. The Ballot is enacted, and we are all bound to carry out the
law. At an important Parliamentary election, that for Preston, the
clever Conservatives devised a plan which utterly destroyed the \
secresy of the vote. Nothing has been done to anybody, and the
Conservatives are rather complimented, even by the Liberals, on
the neatness and boldness of the dodge. At a two-penny Local
Board election for East Bacon, or West Ham, or some such place,
there was a tampering with voting papers, and a medical gentleman
of large practice has been sent to gaol for fourteen days. There is
an old saying about its being as well to be hanged for a sheep as for
a lamb, but this is stuff. Steal the lamb, and you will be punished
heavily ; steal a flock of sheep, and you will be applauded mightily.
Our ' Revised Code " of morality is one of the triumphs of an
enlightened age.
From a Competitive Exam.
Q. Give what you know about Papyrus ?
A. He was a King of Egypt, who established a paper currency
instead of the sheeps' heads which had up till that time t>een passing
for money. This was issued by the Nile Bank, and on the reverse
side were the words Ex Nilo.
IMMINENT EARTHQUAKE.
His Holiness the POPE persists in calling Italy, united under
VICTOR EMMANUEL, the Subalpine Kingdom. Those who coincide
in their persuasions with the Holy Father, and believe in Papal
excommunication, have cause to wonder that it has not, long since,
become the Subterranean Kingdom.
PATTERN STATES.
" HIGH PRICE OF PROVISIONS. — We have just learned that the Govern-
ments of Belgium and Germany have, in consequence of the increased price of
provisions — which is fully felt upon the Continent — increased the salaries ol
their employes. We understand that salaries of less than £300 have ban
15 per cent, added to them, while incomes of above that amount have been
increased by 10 per cent." — Civilian.
Sept. 18, 2'15 P.M. (somewhere in Scotland}.
(By Telegram,)
THB CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEOTEH was so affected by this
paragraph, when he read it to-day in the Times, that he immediately
made a memorandum in his pocket-book, to propose, at the first,
Cabinet Council after the holidays, an addition of 10 or 15 per cent,
to the salaries of all persons in the employment of the Government,
of this country, to be made known to them in a complimentary letter
on the morning of the twenty-fifth of December next.
Epitbalamium.
PERE HYACINTHE abjures monastic vows ;
The childless Father has become a Spouse.
Blest with his Consort in their nuptial bower,
Behold the Hyacinth a double flower.
A HINT.
PRINCE ARTHUR has opened a new Park at Leeds. It is called
"Roundhay" Park. We beg our Leeds friends not to corrupt the
word into " Rowdy," lest mistakes might occur ; as we have, thanhs
to patriotism, a Rowdy Park in the Metropolis, W. District.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Hnuirc. in the P»mh of St. J«m«, Clerkenwell, In the County < f MiddlMei, at the Printing offices ol Mew™. Bradbury, By»n«. * Oo. ;i,t>ml>»r<i
attest, in U» Precinct of Whitefrian.in the 'Jity of London, ud Publlthed by him, at No. 83, Fleet St eet, In the P ^rlnh of St. Briue, Ulty of London.— bitoaui. Beplezn->er as, 1871.
OCTOBER 5, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
137
WAGES AND WIVES.
Philanthropic Farmer. " "\VziL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF
PAYING you PARTLY n? CIDIR, I SHALL GIVE ion Two SHILLINGS EXTRA
WAGES."
TomTdns. "No, THANKY', M ASTIR ; THAT WON'T DO FOR MB!"
Farmer. "WHY, HAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD
WASN'T WORTH Two SHILLINGS ! "
Tomkins. " AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF ; BUT TH» OW'D
'OOMAN 'LL 'EV THE Two SHILLUN' I ! "
SERVE THEM RIGHT.
IN a leader on the Strike* impending or threatened
and especially on the Baken' Strike, the Pott make*
some remark* appropriate to the breakfut-table* on
which it lie* in proximity to muffin* and hot roll* : —
"The •jmpuhiei of the Public were entirely with the men in
reaped of the inordinate amount of labour which they were
required to perform. But in jumping from the extreme o"
quiescence under acknowledged hirdihjj. to that of uncompro
mising dictation, they hare forfeited thote sympathies, anc
should the people of London be put to aeriou« inconreniome b;
the itrike, they will not forget to whom they owe that inconreni
ence, and they will witneaa the tulTcruigi ol the men on atnkr
with indifference."
No ; not with indifference. Now that Combination
Law* no longer exiit to punUh even the moat unreason-
able of strikes, the sufferings of the men on itrike are the
only protection against Trade* Union* the Public have
If the Journeymen Baker*, without just oauie, de-
liberately determine to deprive the public of bread, it u
with quite another feeling than indifference that the
Public will see them, through their own act, served with
their own sauce ; namely, nothing to eat with nothing
Complacency is rather the feeling with which we »ee thote
who have annoyed u* rightly served.
Sweet Innocent !
THESE was a Young Lady of Tenby,
Who wrote to her confidante, " N.B.
I don't want to wed,
No such thought's in my head ;
But— where can tie eye* of the men be P "
Ultramontane Protestant*.
Br intelligence from a Continental Capital where the
Government hag asserted ita supremacy over Ecclesiastic*,
we are informed that :—
"A numerously attended meeting of Ultramontane Catholics
has been held here, who protest against the decision* of the
authorities in the name of religious liberty."
The same name is invoked by the same party amongst
ourselves whenever their leaders encounter any opposition
in their attempt* to override the law. The Dangerous
Classes, perhaps, will next protest against flogging
garotten, in the name of humanity.
CAUSE AND EFFECT.— Enforce the Lioenaing Act, and
read the Riot Act
THE TOURISTS' REMEMBRANCER.
( For this Year only.)
The Tour continued. — Don't omit the Isles of Greece. As the
proverb says, "Greece is Greece, be it never so Greasy ;" and you
can't possibly meet with a more slippery lot than those inhabiting
the Isles of Greece. The names of the Isles are Lamp He, Pollux
He, Caster lie, Paraffin He, and Colzas lie. Yon can lay out a pot
of money in pictures, as the insular artists all paint in Isles. Greece,
mind, is not much of a place for sport, so don't be disappointed if,
at the very hottest season of the year, Greece isn't Melton. Notice
the curious customs of the people, especially when Greek meets
Greek. As the poet has justly said,
When Greek meets Greek,
They bow and speak.
Of course yon '11 call on the Greek statue, if only as a mere form.
Notice, too, the Albanian costume. This was what used to be worn
by everyone who lived in the Albany ; a custom and a costume that
have, we regret to say, been utterly dropped.
You will notice a strong family resemblance between Albanians,
Fair Circassians, and unfair Greeks ; but don't confuse them, or the
affairs of Greece will get into another muddle ; and if they 're in a
difficulty while you 're on the spot, they might insist upon your be-
coming king. No doubt you 'd be a very becoming king, only you 'd
get nothing for it, except to be shot, like rubbish, whenever they
should be tired of you.
Now we 've no mere time to loiter here, as the Vacation is gradu-
ally drawing to a close, and we haven't yet visited
Algeria, — To the Tourist-joker, merely to come here for twenty-
four hours, will be worth his while, if he can find anyone to whom
he can say, and who will enjoy his saying it, that "he only went
for one Dey to Algiers." He must take care on whom he let* off
this witticism, as, on account of it* antiquity, it is a dangerou* jest,
, and even the Algerine Pirate* won't take it The man who last
! made it, hadn't uttered it two seconds, before he was forced to
run for his life. Had he been killed, England could not, in oon-
I science, have looked for redress at the hands of a justly irritated
' Government
If you go any farther East, Go to Jericho ; but at thi* point yon
had better do what the beer doe* in very hot weather, ri;., turn.
Having turned, do the Simplon.
The Simplon.— You will commence with Martigny, then go on
to Tourtemagne and Visp. Stop at the latter place in order to tee,
at the Hotel, the celebrated Ostler, who used to attend to all the
horses of the Old Diligences, endeared to everyone as Vi u.u M or
VILL OF THE VISP. Visp is a mysterious place. The inhabitants,
the Vispers, are all people of a very low tone. The Visper Bell call*
the people to their evening devotions, and warn* the traveller that it
is time for him either to be going to bed or continuing his journey ;
and at
Brieg he will commence the ascent of the Simplon. The first
object of interest is the Hospice, t. c.. a monastery, which, if not
actually founded by a Cardinal, is at all event* built on an eminence.
If yon get tired of your hat and coat during the journey, you can
always hang them up somewhere in the passage of the Simplon.
This will do for the present. In two week*' time at the most
you'll have to come back again. Packets of letters including cir-
culars and bills are waiting for you in Chambers.
vot. Lxrn.
138
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
housed in
OMFOBTABLY
Hotel.
" No Bonsershere," says
my Aunt, who has not
yet entirely recovered her
serenity. " I thought they
were in those lodgings
when I first looked at the
lobster in the bed."
Happy Thought. — Re-
member the game of words
played with ivory letters.
"Bolster "and "Lobster"
composed of the same
letters. New phase of
Dixon's Johnsonary.
Happy Thought.— What
is the difference between a
bolster and a lobster ?—
One you can sleep on, the
other you can't. Put this
down as a brusque saying
of ABERNETHY'S.
Happy Thought.— The
beauty of going to a well-
ordered hotel like MADAME
DHEMEL'S Grande Mon-
arque, is, that everybody
appears to have expected
you for the last month, and to have got everything ready for you
whatever it was. Within an hour, we are installed, with a
reasonable "arrangement," and with ten times the comfort of
Lodgings.
My Aunt wishes me to show her all the town before I leave.
[Mem. By the way, mustn't forget that my object, while here, is to
see a German Farm.] Having told my Aunt that I remember my
way about the place perfectly, and the names of all the principal
streets and churches, I rehearse by myself, and find that somehow
most of it appears new to me. Odd.
Happy Thought.— Buy a Guide Book, in French, for practice.
(On analysis of motives for this proceeding, I fancy I detect obsti-
nacy and false pride. Being in Germany, why study French ? why
insist on 'speaking French ? When in France, though, one can come
out with a few words of German, and apologise for badness of French
accent. By the way, dangerous just now to speak French in Ger-
many, or German in France. Might be arrested.)
Happy Thought.— When one wants to be understood in a foreign
land speak English. When in the presence of natives adopt the
language of the country for secrets.
My Aunt at once picks out a page in the Guide Book, prefacing
her showing it to me with the remark, " How odd tha^I should just
have fit my punger on this particular place. Look ! '' I take the
book and read as follows : "La Ville d Aix-la- Chapelle est une des
plus animfes de la province rhenane." " That, she observes,
"must mean Homers, for I don't see much animation about."
continue : " La plupart des rues sont larges et bien baties "
"Ah! "she interrupts, "they daren't say anything about what
they are pleased to call the pavement. Why I 'm sqotfoore already,
and a boot of pairs won't last three days, I 'm certain. Go on."
I proceed : Les Entomologues sont etonnes de I'immense variete
d'insectes."
" Ah! I should think so, indeed," says my Aunt, with a sniff of
indignation, " That ontolomogue evidently had a lodging, and wai
etonne'd by Bonsers. Yes, that 's all I wanted you to notice, except
that they call one of their favourite places near here the Lousberg.
Ugh ! Disgusting ! But then," she adds, with an air of resigna-
tion, " I sulphose the suppur has something to do with it, and
as I 've come for rheumatism I must take what I can get, and be
rid of it as pock as quissible."
The objection to the Guide des Strangers which I have purchased,
is, apart from its being of very little use at the present day, having
been written more than fourteen years ago, that it is the work of one
DR. JOSEPH MULLER, evidently the German for JOE MILLER.
Happy Thought. — JOE MILLER'S Guide Books. All information
wrong.
Arrival of Letters.— News of little Uncles JACK and GIL. Very
happy, and don't miss us. One from ENGLEMORE. He writes, in
his usual telegraphic and abbreviated style— quite the Incomplete
Letter Writer :—
" This 'II find you at P. 0. Seste. Can't come self, wish could
but under circs, not pass. No £ s. d. Mr. Furniture collars thi
lot. Don't forget Major Sideboard. If you see him I'm on
JZ. M. D. and cheque. I Shropthired toother day. Saw Colons
varm. Do for you if terms suit. 100 per an. premium 5. Mr.
PVs^ on premises ; Major Fox six miles off. Wire if yes. Town
dull. B. Duke'd and chopped yesterday. Five minutes with you
when back. Mr. German dinners all right f Seedy to-day ; ate
oo many fizgigs for sup. last night. Must dry up now.
" Your little
" ENQLBlfORS."
I gather from this, on reading it carefully over two or tnree times,
,hat ENGLESIORE 's still furnishing his house, that he 's been to
Shropshire to see a farm for me, that circumstances (circs.) prevent
iis joining us here, that somebody whose initial is B took a chop
with ENGLEMORE at his rooms in Duke Street, and that, finally, he
s not particularly well, in consequence of having partaken too freely
of certain fancy dishes. Also that if I purchase a sideboard here
!or him he will send me Heady Money Down (R. M. D.). Must
write and ask further particulars about Colonel Farm.
Another letter, forwarded under cover. Directed to me with name
mispelled. Hate my name mispelled. No Tradesman ought to be
>aid who mispells one's name. Direction looking as if it had been
in-itten with a thin skewer dipped in thick ink, under the guidance
of a person with a wandering eye. From external evidences, a bill.
Like the name of SMITH, I 've heard of such things before. Shall
L open it, or not ? Very foolish of the servant (in charge of the
louse and the Uncles) to send such a thing as this on to me.
If I don't open it, I can always say " I haven't seen it," and (in
reply to stern application) " it must have come while I was abroad."
Happy Thought.—" Under circs.," remain abroad.
Decide upon opening it.
" SIR,— Will you Oblidge me on Wensday morning nex with
A check for Sill delvd. £15 3s. 6±d. I will Call on you and Oblidge
" yr. Repflly
" THOMAS CASKSR."
Happy Thought.— I am several hundred miles away from
IASKER'S neighbourhood. How surprised he has been by tnis time
when he called and " oblidged " 1 Dare say he didn't believe the
servant who told him I wasn't at home. Can fancy what CASKER'S
face would be (I don't know CASKER by sight) when, in answer to
Us further inquiry as to when I should be at home, the servant told
turn, " Don't know, p'r'aps not for Months."
Poor CASKER. He 'd be quite sorry he called and was oblidged —
to do without his " check for Bill delvd."
The use of the French Guide has evidently struck my Aunt as a
valuable hint. "I shall," she says, "read nothing but French
while I am here. I must take up French History from the time of
FORTY THE LOTTEENTH. I wish vou 'd ask them if they take in the
Beldependance Ing>
"I shall," she says, "read nothing Due j;
. I must take up French History from the tin
EENTH. I wish you 'd ask them if they take it
l Inge, and I '11 have it every morning."
MILBUHD seizes this opportunity to address the waiter thus :
" Kellner, quand vous pouvez come across the Independance Beige,
Sub-
voulez-vous bringen sie it here bitter f
The Kellner replies, very distinctly, "Yes, Sir," and exit,
sequently he returns with the journal in question.
MILBTJRD having retired to consider whether he shall take his
sulphur bath, or not— this hesitation being apparently part of his
own treatment of himself— I am writing letters, and my Aunt is
becoming deeply interested in her French study. " Good gra-
cious ! " she exclaims, presently, " Well, I thought he 'd have been
a man of more sense."
" Whom do you mean ? "
In a tone implying that she is annoyed at my being inattentive to
what she has not been saying, she replies, " The WIMPEROR EL-
LIAM." Then she continues, " Would anyone imagine that he could
be a spiritualist ! "
What makes her think so ? I ask.
"Why," she says, emphatically, "it's in the paper among the
Nouvelles d'Allemagne."
She hands me the Independance, and I read, II y aura une grande
soiree. On croit que L'Empereur y fera une apparition."
" There ! " she exclaims, triumphantly, " ' Apparition ! ' There s
going to be a soiree, which, I suppose, is the same as a seance,
where they sit round the table, and then the Apparor is to make an
Empersition appear."
I point out, delicately, her mistake.
"Well," she says, dubiously, " you may be right." In a few days
she will pretend that the mistake was mine. On some points my
Aunt is a little trying. I resume my correspondence. Presently
she interrupts me with, "At all events I am right here. And, ' she
adds, with a complacent air, " 1 'm very glad to hear of their having
any religion at all."
II Who ? The Germans ? " I inquire.
" No," she replies—" at least I mean the Germans on the stage,
the performers who dance— dear me ! "—(she is at a loss for a word,
but finds it unexpectedly)—" I mean girly bals, of course."
How have the German ballet-girls been distinguishing themselves,
I want to know. That is, I don't want to know, as I really would
prefer being allowed to continue my letter- writing in peaca ; but as
OCTOBER 5, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
139
the information is inevitable some time or another, I may as well
take it now, and have done with it.
She indicates this paragraph : " Lea Coryplti'es <lu parti Catho-
lique se stint reunis," &e.
I confess that 1 do not see anything about the religion of the
ballet-girls in this sentence.
" My dear," says my Aunt, in a tone expressive of pity for my
ignorance, " Aren't the ballet-girls always called Coryphftu f I 'm
sure it teas se at the Opera-House when 1 went regularly, and heard
BALACHE, JENNY I.INI, and TAMiiocBUfD. I do know something
sometimes of what I 'm talking about."
Happy Thought,— Drop subject till calmer times ensue.
COAL ON LYTTELTON.
HIS we read in our
\ excellent cnntempo-
rary, the 1'orkahire
Post.— .
" LORD LYTTHLTON,
(peaking at a harvest
festivity at Hagley,
compared the conduct
of the workmen of the
Black Country very
unfavourably with that
of the agricultural
labourers. The former
squandered all their
mean*."
We are almost
afraid to speak of
a Black Country-
man, for the mo-
ment that, on the
strongest evidence,
he is hinted to be a
little lower than an
angel, Mr. Punch
is assailed with
the most furious
abuse by the Black
Countryman's ad-
mirers. But if we
may remove the
venue, and talk of
a Northern pitman
(to whom LOBD LYTTELTON'S words will equally apply), we ask how
is it possible for this noble-minded and frugal artisan to save his
means ? He has only a house found him, rent-free, all the coals he
reqxiires, medical attendance and medicine when he or any member
of his family is ill, and, at the lowest, seven shillings a day.
For this miserable wage, and for these trumpery advantages, the
artisan of the pit is expected to do, actually, six hours' work daily.
How, thus crushed and starved, can he save anything? If a
malignant aristocrat suggests that many an educated gentleman
manages on far less, working, moreover, twice as hard, bringing up
a family in the right way. and even paying for life assurance, Mr.
Punch scorns to argue with a bloated Dives, who would compare a
white-handed swell with Nature's nobleman, the hardy son of toil,
and the real strength and glory of the nation. Heave a coal at the
head of the insolent cynic.
LICENSING ACT MITIGATION.
THE Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police has power to
mitigate the vexatious tyranny of the " Intoxicating Liquors Act.
Accordingly COLONEL HENDEBSON has licensed several of the taverns
situated near theatres and other places of amusement, to remain
open on working-days until one A.M. The Times expects that this
concession will, as regards all public-houses so situated m the
British Capital, become general. At Oxford the Mayor and
Magistrates have resolved to extend the hours of closing on week
days to 11'30 and to 10 30 on Sundays. They had good reasons for
so doing besides those contained in petitions addressed to them by
University students, licensed victuallers, and the general public.
Petitions alone will perhaps suffice to bring all other Mayors and
Magistrates to their senses.
"Would they were Here!"
WE never thought to respect the Spanish Carlists. But we read
that " they threaten an attack on the Railways, and it will pro-
bably go very hard with the unlucky officials." We begin to think
that there is some sense in Carlism, after all.
AN AUTUMN-MAN(EUVRING CRICKET-MATCH.
Reported by a rrry Old Friend at taking place brttrern the Eleven of
Cultcell Uatchnty and the Sixty-fuur uf any other place.
Tin I.att Match of the season (which came off on Monday, and
was put on again by the Carpenter) was struck on its own box, a
fortnight ago, come next Tuesday three weeki, in the lovely cellars
of Colwell Hatchney College, and nothing except loss of life, which
I suffer from occasionally in the fall of the ear, hai prevented me
from sending you the annual account which you a»ktd for every
half-holiday.
The Game was very wild, but we made four brace* and one
waistcoat.
Well, Sir. our password was but this I must not tell you, or it
will be used against you at your trial.
As the Poet says, — but no matter what he say», no one believes
him, — not a sound was heard, not a funeral note, as we pitched the
wickets at each other for half an hour! Lovely! The. sun-dial
went in for ten.
At the word " Over ! " we drew our swords and were upon them !
The ground between the wicketa had been carefully undermined
overnight with tooth-powder (bless the PBIHOX OF WALES and all
the lloyal family, not forgetting the Welsh Fusileers and yours to
command) and there would have been a glorious massacre. Hut
alas ! the is another's, and never, as at present advised, can she be
mine. ADAM was the first man, and he scored sixty on a date, but
we got him out again with spade*, pickaxe*, and hydraulic pressure.
It was a narrow escape, which we always keep by the river s side in
case of any one's setting the Thames on fire. Luncheon was then
handed round by Obsequious Troglodytes, and great praise is due to
HAROLD HARFAOER for the Peppermint drops which were served out
m rations all round. Then our hearts were in the Highlands as
we cheered Old Reekie, who, however, wasn't there. He returned
lis thanks to their original owner, in a neat speech without any
water. And yet they say he is cousin to the Grand Pumpkin of
Pump Court ! We had a blister on the ground to draw the stumps
which began to ache dreadfully. The bats were flying all over the
place. The Grand Llama, who wms on the field, but hidden in
cotton wool, on account of the geraniums, scored six thousand in one
innings, while the other side were unsuspectingly having luncheon.
Such were the tactics which have won us the respect of all Europe.
Afterwards we retired gracefully for two miles backwards, and
walking towards morning, we regained the College. All was calm
and superfluous.
Ah, how dull is poetry of what is Fcrrugineous and Conjunctive
in nature ! Tell me not, thou child of clay, who grovellest m recent
tumbrils, how but to my storey, which is on the third floor, all
among the barley, and the celery beds.
On being appealed to by our Resident Visitor, DR. FOSBW Wncs-
LOW, the Refractory Rays disclaimed all knowledge of the malicious
people with their heads under their arms, who had caused i
annoyance to the Metropolis by eating our fireworks. After this
they were counted out. The Court-martial was held as usual over
a gas-burner in the lobby. The verdict was that Lobby meant a
little Lobster, and rhymes with Constantinople. There will be no
more cricket, because the other day I unlocked an organ-pipe wiU
the key of C, in order to look for a tune which I had very nearly
caught on the piano, but lost on the organ. I 'm having one n
up inside my head. You shall have an invitation, my dear old
friend, on the opening day. You shall play a solo on the drum of
your own ear. No heeltaps. I hate you.
'Tis mine I mine ! 1 I sleep on the rugged ship-boy when he s
on the topmast ; but I must insist upon his wearing »P«o<*oles
order to keep the wind out. Adoo ! adoo ! and cock-a-doodle-doo .
my only Love, wherever you may be. My heart, my heart is only
thine, Beneath the Zuyder Zee. Remember me to the Bootjack,
loved him once, and gave him lessons on the Shoe-horn. Poor boy.
I was like a father to the Frying-pan ; and a portrait of me iti
may be seen on application to the Wharfinger of Vinegar lard,
where the Conundrums are kept.
I met one of the younger pupils, the other day, going to lecture,
and as he was behind time, I wound him up. Boo ! Ha ! ha I J
hasn't been seen again. I 'm the Gladiator bold, with my tra-
The Tyrant* are hiding in my boots and watchmp me tnrongD
glasses. If I. catch one,.I '11 gut him into a ^erowoand
black
Uiuv:rv £iaoot;0* ** * w»n — r — - ~^ii_ n_ A. \ iU T «A
make him sing small. So caution. I LOVE (hate) t
FOND OF (detett) them. There! that's my secret cypher. Put
into the fire and eat a lemon, then you '11 be able to read it. Now
for the ladder of ropes and the roundabout. I
I struggle with him for a second. He allows the light to remain
as a Signal to her from my window that I am
Yours ever,
THE RIAL SIK JKLLTBOT JAJTPOT.
(In On Cupbotrd.)
140
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1872.
r
SEA-SIDE DRAMA.
Mrs. de Tomlcyns (sotla voce, to Mr. de T.). " LTOOVIC, DEAR, THERE'S ALGERNON PLAYING WITH A STRANGE CHILD! Do
PREVENT IT I " Mr. de T. (ditto, to Mrs. de T.). " How ON EARTH AM I TO PREVENT IT, Mr LOVE ?"
Mrs. de T. " TELL ITS PARENTS ALGERNON is JUST RECOVERING FROM SCARLET FEVER, OR SOMETHING I "
Mr. de T. " Bur rr ISN'T TBUE I " Mrs. de T. " 0, NEVEK MIND ! TELL THEM, ALL THK SAME I "
Mr. deT. (aloud). "AHEM! SIR, YOU'D BETTER NOT LET YOUR LITTLE GIRL PLAY WITH Mr LITTLE BOY. HB'S ONLY JUST
RECOVERING FROM — ER — ScARLST PjSVBRl"
Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins (together). " IT 's ALL RIGHT, SIR !— so 's OVR LITTLE GAL t "
BAKEES, STRIKE HOME !
THB Working-Men, we used to hear,
Though mostly given to gin and beer,
And strangers to the R's all Three,
Our Masters ought, by right, to be.
For every Platform Charlatan
Sang " Glory to the Working-Man ! "
The "Working-Man might be a sot ;
Ah, yes ; but wean him from his pot,
Poor fellow, and enfranchise ; then
Horn-handed, honest Working-Men
Will put all right by common-sense
Innate, infallible, immense.
" Stick to your lasts, ye cobblers ! " cried
The bloated progeny of pride.
And now the men of horny hand
Obey, in substance, that command —
Stick to their trowels, plumbs, and saws,
And care but for Protective Laws.
Strikes follow strikes ; the reason why,
High wages rendered prices high ;
Then Working-Men for wages higher
Struck, and to still more pay aspire.
Such aspiration what will crown ?
It is " Excelsior!" upside down.
The Working-Man— the Wright, or Smith
Of other days, becomes a myth.
A Working-Man that man you call,
Whereas he does not work at all.
The fittest name whereby you can
Denote him is " The Striking Man."
Now, Striking Men, of course you like
The notion of a Bakers' Strike ;
Shoulder of mutton, onion sauce,
And baked potatoes, none, what loss ?
No bread ! What 's that ? On strike, friends,
roam;
And " Bakers," sing meanwhile, " Strike Home ! "
The Golden Age.
GREAT news from across the Atlantic ! The problem which has
baffled so many heads through so many ages has at last been solved
(in the autumn season) in America. A lucky and mysterious
individual, in California, has discovered the long-sought art of
transmuting the baser metals into GOLD, and asserts his ability to
supply it by the ship-load. The news is not without its interest for
us, for, with bullion to any amount within her reach, America
cannot possibly think of taking the (comparatively) few sovereigns
MR. LOWE was going to send over, by a Treasury clerk, between now
and next " Fall."
PLAGIARISM FROM PARADISE LOST.
MILLIONS of certain insects crawl the earth
Unseen, some when we wake, more when we sleep.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER 5, 1872.
STRIKE HOME!"
BAXEB. "NO BAKING TO-DAY!" .
WORKING-MAN. » WHAT ! YOU ON STRIKE, TOO! NO SUNDAY BAKING, AND NO BREAD
TO BECOME OF ME AND MY DINNER, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW?"
OCTOBER 5, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
143
AUTUMN MUSINGS.
N anonymous writer has
observed that Autumn is
the season when the Book
of Nature loses its leaves.
As his head was running
on books, it is strange that
it did not occur to him to
add that Autumn is also
the period when the year
publishes, in an unniis-
takeable manner, its De-
cline and Fall.
Autumn robs us of many
enjoyments — summer be-
verages, ice*, tea in the
garden, light apparel,
moonlight strolls— but it
is rich in compensations.
The eye rests with plea-
sure on the brilliant and
varied tints of the chang-
ing foliage in grove and
forest, and the ear drinks
in with delight the wel-
come sound of the return-
ing muffin-bell in street
and square. Members of
the legislature expatiate
to their constituents on the blessings of the Ballot and the Scotch
Education Bill, and their speeches may be perused on an exhila-
rating October morning by anyone who can command a penny.
The Theatres and the Gallery of Illustration re-open their doors ;
the winter fashion* ornament the windows of mercers and modistes :
the oyster exchanges his damp and dreary bed for the life and
animation of great towns ana cities; game, both feathered and
furry, tempts the drooping and delicate appetite ; " Bright chanti-
cleer proclaims the dawn, Old Towler leads the cry ; " whist and
bezique pas» the evening hours agreeably ; the various learned
and scientific Societies recommence their weekly meetings ; and the
butter resumes its natural consistency.
Michaelmas Day ought to be one of the happiest in the whole year.
On it the " Liverymen of the Worshipful Company of Coaohmakers
and Coach-Harness Makers," and other famous guilds, whose hospi-
tality shone through the darkness even of the .Middle Ages, meet,
on the summons of their beadles, to elect a Lord Mayor for the en-
suing year; and geese ("ordained to bleed at Michael's shrine")
constitute the principal dish at the dinner-tables of all classes
both in London and the country, recalling 'vividly to the mind
the critical moment when the fortunes of ancient Rome were re-
trieved by the voices of those opportune and succulent birds. But
the feast of St. Michael is also one of those swiftly recurring periods
which law and usage have set apart for the payment of rent ; and so
long as that irritating custom if kept np, the day cannot be one of
unclouded enjoyment, except to landlords.
It is a tradition (see the publications issued under the direction of
the MASTER OF THE ROLLS) that QUEEN ELIZABETH was eating her
Michaelmas'Goose when a telegram was put into her hands announc-
ing the destruction of the Spanish Armada. It is an historical fact,
which can be vouched for by many persons now living, that on the
29th ult. Miss LIZZIE DARLINCIHAM, a young lady of great personal
attractions and force of character, was on the point of being helped
to roast goose at the six o'clock family dinner in Clarencieux Street,
when a note was placed in her hands which had that moment been
brought by a private messenger. She at once gently but firmly de-
clined the seasoning that invariably accompanies the bird of which
she was'then partaking. Her unaccountable behaviour was a puzzle
to all her family and friends until tea-time the same evening, when
MB. CHARLES EDWABD MABTLETT, a rising young stockbroker, was
announced in the drawing-room.
The season of Autumn is particularly favourable to poetic inspira-
tion. The public will be glad to hear that MR. BYRON RVMER is
busy 'putting the finishing touches to his epic poem, in twenty-four
books, entitled Charlemagne : that MR. GLAHFORD WHAOBT never
allows a day to pass without adding another to his Sheaf of Sonnets
(those headed Twilight on the Embankment and To a Glowworm are
said to be perfect bijoux ) ; and that Miss EMMELIXE AISLABIB
ARMADYCE finds the falling leaves in Kensington Gardens congenial
to the completion of her Songs for the Sedentary.
On a wet afternoon in Autumn, happiness would hardly be found
in Leicester Square.
THE PLEASURES OF A PLAY-GOER.
Mr DEAR MR. Pc.vcn,
As the note of preparation, to me a penny-a-linerism U
now sounding; for the winter theatrical campaign, it may be worth
while to inquire whether Manager, have made good u*e of the reoeti
to add to the attraction* of their place* of amusement, and to lewen
the discomfort*. expen»es, and annoyance* which have hitherto
attended a viatt to the play. Kngliah people a* a rule are comfort -
loving creature* ; and now that he dine* late, it need* no imall per-
suasion to prevail on MR. KAHILI MAS to leave hi* glut of claret and
perhaps, tfi, hi* cigar, in order to e»oort hit wife and daughter* to
some theatre or other, whore the chance* are, he reckon*, that he
won t be much amuted. At any rate, if there are obstacle*, he i*
apt to make the moat of them, and to forge the mo«t astounding
excuse* for not shunning even the least of any hindrance* that mav
beset his path.
Now, a* there u i certainly a dearth of real talent on the stage, and
• a* the Uste for thing* dramatic i* in consequence decreasing, one
would fancy erery Manager would do hi* very utmo*t to make hi*
house attractive in its audience arrangement*, and to ensure the
ease and comfort of every one who entered it. But i* this to, in
truth ?^Are play-goer* all secured against extortion and annoyance,
and supplied with such soft seat* and superfluity of leg-room a* may
1 possibly suffice to tempt them from their dinner-table, and even
i their cigar-box P Let u* *ee what sometime* happen* if a patron of
the drama conceives the happy thought of taking a party to the
THE PROPER HOME RULE.— Full Measure.
to see something at some theatre— a* she rarely read* the newspaper*,
she can't say what, or which. MR. Toxxnra make* Mleetion of that
which he opines will be the pleasantest performance, and on his way
to businea* goes a mile or more clean out of it to book hinuelf four
stalls, for which he pays some six or seven •Killing each. He, be-
sides, is sometimes asked to pay a shilling fee for booking ; for,
unlike business men in general, your Manager i* prone to get a
premium for prompt payment, instead of giving a until discount
upon money that i* paid before it properly u due.
When the happy day arrive*, MB, ToifiiifB swaUowi haatily a
dinner served two nours before his usual time of appetite, and then
rattles off, perhaps upon the box, so as not to crush the flounce*
which fill the whole inside. Avoiding, by gross over-payment,
some bad language from the Cabman, Ma. TOME-IKS, after traversing
a dimly-lighted passage, through which hi* better half (in drapery)
finds it difficult to squeeze, gain* at length the actual entrance to
the stalls, which, at sundry famous house*, is guarded by a civil
brigand in a stylish suit of black, who. before esoortin? Ma. TOM-
KINS to his seats, presents a folded playbill, like a pistol, to hi*
breast, as who should say, " Deliver up your shilling, or your wife'*."
Smothering his wrath at what he thinks a second act of grow
extortion, MR. TOMKIXS "tries his best to enjoy what it ha* cost him
so much to go and 'see. But the teat* are rather narrow, and be i*
rather wide, and the house gets rather hot, and hi* leg* get rather
cramped, and, a* his stall unluckily i* next to the big drum, hi*
ears get rather deafened and his head begin* to ache. So on the
whole he i* not sorry when the curtain tall*, and he leave* the
theatre with something like a vow that he will not in a hurry be
caught going there again.
Next morning he sums up the cost of hi* amusement, and find*
that it stands thus :—
£ «. &
FourStalli 1 4 0
Fee for booking nine 0 1 0
Paid itaU-keeper hi* charge for a penny playbill 0 1
Hire of opera-glaiaea, having left mine in the cab 0 6 0
Bouquet* and white kid glorea, and damage to wife'* drat . . 1
Cabt, and coppers for " Poor JACK " 0 10 8J
Total a 10 24
When to thi* amount is added the loss of precion* temper, ex-
pended on the annoyances endured, MR. T. is surely justified next
morning in reflecting that he has paid too dearly for hi* evening'*
entertainment ; and who can wonder if, when next he comes home
late from dining out, he compound* for that offence by some IBM
costly expiation than going to the play i
The Orotclery, Belgravia. £Coc'KJUIlU8 ExpBCTUre.
A Jubilation on a Judgment.
THE Court on the Award
Were not of one accord.
Shout, all who dwell in Holborn,
And elsewhere—" Bravo, Cocsntnw ! "
144
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1872 .
"THE LAST STRAW."
" TIRED our, ARE YOU ? TEY A DKOP OF BBANDY 1 EH !— WHAT !— CONFOUND
JINGO, I'VE FORGOTTEN MY FLASK!
HEBRON OR JERICHO.
THE subjoined portion of a telegram lately received from Geneva
has perhaps astonished the weak minds of some, if there are any
weak-minded persons, among our Papistical fellow-subjects :—
" The Council of State has adopted rigorous measures against the CuBlS
MEBMILLOD. The Journal de Cfenive contains two decrees, dated yesterday,
the first removing M. MEBMILLOD from his bishopric (in partibus infidelium)
of Hebron ; and the second forbidding him to exercise his episcopal functions
anywhere within the Swiss territory, and warning the Cure's of the Canton to
conform to these decrees."
From the foregoing particulars, unexplained, it would appear that
M. MEBMTLLOD is now a simple Cure, but was a Bishop of Hebron in
partibus infidelium exercising episcopal jurisdiction in Switzerland,
until the Swiss Council of State removed him, first from his nominal
bishopric of Hebron, and next from his position as acting Bishop at
Geneva. If they were able to do the first of these two things, the
second, one thinks, would have followed as a matter of course. Had
M. MEBMILLOD been deprived of his bishopric in partibus infidelium,
and reduced from a Bishop to a Cure, of course he could not have
performed episcopal functions in partibus Helvetiorum. The See of
Hebron, however, is one to which not only the Swiss Government,
but the British Legislature itself, would evidently be quite unable
to cancel an appointment made by the authority, in this case pass-
ably infallible, of the POPE. Probably the rulers of Switzerland,
instead of wishing to depose M. MEKMILLOD from his See in partibus
infidelium, would be only too glad to recognise him as Bishop of
Hebron, and get him as soon as possible to go to that remote diocese
— and stay there.
Scientific Jotting.
A DISTTNGUISHED Chemist has made the remarkable discovery, that
the Cattle Disease is owing to the prevalence in the atmosphere of a
noxious principle, which also constitutes the cause of the Strike
epidemic. This element is imponderable ; and its presence is indi-
cated only by the effects it produces on unthinking creatures.
A WALK IN HOT WEATHER.
THE following jocpse remarks on the most vexatious part of the
Licensing Bill occur in a Times leader : —
" We do not wish to advocate harshness, but we suspect that people taking
a stroll, or even a brisk ' constitutional,' are not the class of travellers for
whose comfort it was the intention of the Legislature to provide. A person
who walks for pleasure from London to Highgate may very well be left to
quench his thirst on his return."
The Times has heretofore ever approved itself strenuum pro
virili libertatis vindicem. The preceding observations, therefore, and
particularly the last sentence of them, are of course ironical. But,
as Justice Midas is slow at taking irony, it may be as well to point
out to stolid Magistrates that, if any traveller can be conceived
really to require a glass of beer on his way, it is precisely the man
who has walked from London to Highgate, and is going to walk
back again. If a man in those circumstances were prevented by
penalties from getting any beer on a Sunday afternoon, it would be
a high joke indeed.
New Music.
ONE of the novelties at the Norwich Musical Festival was MB.
MACFABBEN'S Outward Hound. A Chorus in it had this burden : —
" Then heave and ho, sing rumbelow,
To — ho, yo — ho, and off we go ! "
Such an appropriate reference to the British Sailor's favourite
liquor cannot fail to make MB. MACFABBEN'S spirited composition a
favourite with our Navy.
CONCEIT BY A CABMAN.
THEY says yon should put by somethin' agin a rainy day.
that 'ere 's the wery time wen I takes most money.
Bat
OCTOBER 5, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
THE HEIGHT OF COMMERCIAL MORALITY.
" 0, I WANT TO BUT ANOTHER OF THOSE PRETTY TEAPOTS, LIKE THE 0KB I
BOUGHT LAST WEEK, YOU KNOW ! "
" SHURE AN' WE'VE GIVEN UP KBEPIN' THEM INTIMLY, ICY LADY ! Ton AS
SOON AS IVER WE GOT THEM I(f, WE SOLD THEM OUT I "
HERETICAL HOAX.
THERE is perhaps a particle of truth in the following statement which has
appeared in the Genevan Patrie :—
" A lady of Bourg ( Ain), MADAMB X , lately bequeathed to the parish church a sum
of 3,000 francs, on condition that forty ma«se« should be said every year ; twenty for the
repose of her own soul, and twenty for that of her husband's. The ecclesiastics, consider-
ing that the price of masses has risen like all other commodities, that it will still augment,
and consequently that the work imposed by the legacy will one day be greater than the
advantages derived from it, have refused to accept the money."
It is tooprobable that the Patrie of Geneva is a Protestant, if not a Secnlarist
journal. Heretical bigotry or unbelief alone could suggest the idea of Masses
" to be sold," of " Mass Market Intelligence," Masses " looking up," or " down,"
being "lively" or "flat," and "brisk" or "dull," and " tight " or " easy ;"
Masses quoted at such and such " figures," and so on. " So many Masses at so
much per Mass, how much for so many more " — nothing but either fanaticism
or irreligion could prompt the idea of such a sum in the Rule of Three. No ;
the halfpennyworth of fact to all the above intolerable deal of fiction evidently
is, that the good priests of Bourg, having had 3,000 francs bequeathed them.
under the superstitious belief that it would get the testatrix and her husband
E rayed out of Purgatory, conscientiously " refused to accept the money. Yes,
K. CUMMINS, " Sootus ; " yes, WHAILEY. Even the most hopeful of Priests
themselves would be very sanguine to expect, in these times, anything but the
reverse of a rise in the price of Masses.
Frobatum Est.
~OuB friend the Stereoscopic Company (whose annual bit of new magic has
become a Christmas institution) appears to have been cheated by somebody
who, being engaged to manufacture a fresh trick, let out and sold the secret.
MR. FLOWERS, the Beak, gave it the fellow " hot." We have no doubt that
another clever device will be ready in (food time ; but if the Company has any
difficulty in finding " a howling good trick," let application be made to the in-
genious Americans who invented the Geneva Juggle.
WEDDING THE SHANNON.
'Tis a wedding that I sing,
Of a bride without a ring,
Bach a wedding as was seldom seen before ;
You think I may be frantic,
But the Bride was the Atlantic,
And the scene was on the noble Shannon's shore.
In Limerick, I 'm told,
Is a custom very old,
'Tis the wedding of the Shannon and the tea :
Far as the Mayor can aim
A dart, the people claim
To levy for their port their little fee.
So the Mayor and many more,
With meat and drink galore,
Steamed out to spend at Shannon's mouth the day.
'Twas just to " throw the dart,"
And secure, on Limerick's part,
From the City to the ocean the full sway.
But the Mayor, good MB. CLEAHT,
Of all Limerick most leary.
Says, " My boys, there is a trick, I '11 let yon know ;
We '11 add a little more
To Scattery-Island's shore,
By shooting off our arrow from a bow."
Then he drew a good long bow
— Like many more I know —
And the arrow flew away into the waves,
And the boys all laughed and cheered,
Though a few " wetblankets " jeered,
And talked about the people being slaves.
Then down they sat to lunch —
And I '11 go bail the punch
And groceries were never left behind —
And they threw off all asperity,
And talked of their prosperity,
And scattered all their troubles to the wind.
Then up jumps BUTT, M.P.,
" Only view our shipless sea !
'Tis so because you feel the Saxon chain."
One would think that at Point Scattery
The Saxons had a battery
To drive the ships from off tha Irish main.'
Him followed a bold priest.
Whose tongue— to say the least—
Was dangerous and rude : upon my word
I believe, when he preached peace,
'Twos only a caprice,
And he hinted at the dagger and the iword.
0, Ireland ! there are inch
As never knew the touch
Of bread procured by sweat of brow or brain ;
Whose stake in your great nation
Depends on agitation,
And who '11 bring the bad old times to you again.
Don't talk about your woes,
But take your spade* and hoes.
And put your hearts and souls into the toil ;
And don't be led away
By what idle people say :
" The Fres " are those who live by honest toil.
Anti-Canard.
THESE is a precaution against the receipt "and publi-
cation of false intelligence which might possibly be taken
by MR. RECTEK and other telegraph agents, but does
not appear to have occurred to anybody but a buffoon.
To a telegram of doubtful veracity we often see appended
the note:— "This report requires confirmation,
order that every report requiring confirmation may be
duly confirmed immediately on being received at a tele-
graphic establishment, some zany has proposed that a
Bishop, out of diocese, could be kept at the office.
Of course this arrangement could be practi
private telegraph masters. Government would 1
eluded from adopting it by fear of offending the Dis-
senters.
146
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 5, 1872.
"NOT SO FAST!"
Old Gent, (soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glcnmuchie). "An, WELL, THIS is VERY JOLLY I WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING — NOT THAT
I 'M A RICH MAN— BUT AFTER THE TUBMOIL AND WORRY OF BCSINISS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE CHARMING SOLITUDES, THB
SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF THE BIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THKN !), AND
THE HUM OF THE BEE ! To BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW "
Voice from the Bridge (the ubiquitous " 'Arry"). " COULD YER 'BLIOE rs WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR I" 1 !
POLICE IFOR THE PEOPLE.
WHERE are the Police ? Echo answers not " where," pace BYBON,
but "leece." That, when the cry of " Police! " is raised in a case
of outrage, is the answer of Echo ; and too often there is returned
no other. But just now there is quite another answer to that ques-
tion. Where are the Police ? Why, they are paying domiciliary
visits to public-houses, and haling landlords, and the private guests
of _landlords, before Magistrates on the accusation of serving and
being served with refreshments during prohibited hours. We shall
soon have Policemen authorised by paternal legislators to intrude
themselves likewise into Clubs and private houses, in which naughty
grown people are sitting up and drinking more than Parliamentary
Papa considers to be good for them, at a time when they ought all
to have gone to by-by ; and perhaps in due season Bobby will be
empowered to pop upon all such adult offenders, and put them to bed.
October Fashions.
" There is nothing particularly new to chronicle in the bonnets this month,
with the exception that they are a little more reasonable in shape." —
Le Follet.
PATERFAMILIAS says he should have taken more interest in this
announcement^ if the chronicler had been able to add that the
article, which is called (in Dictionaries) "a covering for the head
worn by females," was also " a little more reasonable in "—price.
ABMA VIBTJMQTJE CANO.
DESCRIBING another idiotic French duel, the papers say that " one
of the combatants was unhurt, and the other sustained a wound in
the arm of no importance." Which arm is thisP Idiotcy seems
contagious.
AN AWAKENING CONSCIENCE.
BETWEEN a small paragraph headed "CONSCIENCE MONEY"
(acknowledging the receipt of some), and another small paragraph
headed " ME. LOWE," the following intermediate small paragraph
appeared the other day in the Times ; —
"A HOPEFUL SIGN.— The CHANCELLOR OP THE EXCHEQUER received in
the financial year 1871-2 sums amounting to £7,132, forwarded to him for
conscience sake. This is nearly double £3,852 received on the same account
in the preceding year."
Ah, ves ; this is a very hopeful sign indeed. It is a sign that the
Great Untaxed are opening their eyes to the injustice of the partial
taxation inflicted on the direct tax-payers. The former were the
contributors of the £7,132, every farthing of it; and the whole
amount was Conscience Money sent " for Income-tax omitted." It
is gratifying to see so much Conscience evinced by the Striking
Classes.
A Fool's Paradise.
" The Washington Treaty promises to inaugurate a new and blessed era,
when force and fraud shall be alike unknown," &c. — Ministerial Organs.
WHEN the Millennium was DEAN MILMAN'S theme,
He briefly labelled it " a Jewish dream: "
Of our Millennial Treaty, COCKBTTKN, rude.
Says, " Statesmen dreamed, and JOHNNY BULL is Jew'd."
THE FINAL STRIKE.
Ii was unthinking of JEREMY TAYLOR to describe the ArianTcon-
troversy as a dispute about a vowel, when all the difference^ in the
world between two words may be made by a single letter. Y9U can
manage to tide over a Bakers' Strike ; but what would you^do in
case of a Bankers' ?
Printed by Joieph Smith, of No. M.Holford Square, ID the Parish of Bt. Jamt>B.Clerkenwell,m the County of Middlesex, at the Printing offices of Me»ts. Bradbury, Evant, * Co., Lomond
Street, In the Precinct of Wnitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 65, Fleet Street, In the Parish of dt. Bride, City of London,— SiitmDiT , October 8, 1873.
OctoiuR 12, IbTil
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
147
.
A LARGE FARM.
THE new Kheriffii have bound themselves by oath " not
to Met to farm' the shire of Middlesex or the gaol of
Newgate." At first sight this teems a superfluous pre-
caution against any possible abuse of their office on the
part of the Sheriff* ; but there mar have been good
reasons, which the Corporation and the Livery think it
best to keep to themselves, for pledging MB. ALDE&MAX
Want: and MH. FuDSKlci Pnuuva not to convert
the county of Middlesex (including Newgate) to agri-
cultural uses, or turn it into grass and arable land. \\ i
hhould, however, feel more comfortable if, next Michael
mag, steps could be taken to guard against the possibility
of the Sheriffs turning the arua«: . .U Exchange
into an orchard, or laying out hillingiigate as a croquet
ground, or transforming the Guijdball into a winter
garden, with opportunities for music and dancing in the
evening — any one of which projects is as likely, some
wet morning, to enter into the heads of the Slant!-,
perhaps even of the LOUD MAYOR himself, to the de-
struction of all peace and happiness in the City, as the
farming designs on the soil of Middlesex and the site of
Newgate to which we have thought it our duty to
A Word on Strike*.
(To my old friend f.)
HASG it, Old P., let's ALL strike. Why not:- It
will equalise matters generally. After a time, when we
want bread, beef, and beer, we can all begin Je noto.
And when we do begin de noco, we'll settle to be satis-
fied with Necessaries, and we shall be Every Man his own
Hutcher, Every Man his own Baker, Every Man his own
Washerwoman, Every Man his own Bootmaker. &c.,
&o., &c. Then gradually we shall work round to a
rational state. Britons, let's all strike. In the mean-
while I shall go and live quietly in Russia.
Yours truly, K >• • > i r .
A COLOURED CLERGY.
Uncle (can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing). " WHO BO TOtT
SAY THEY ARE, MY DEAR !— CHRISTIAN MINISTERS! 'NOOM'LY KIND OF 'BM TO
G1VR A CONCERT, TO BB 8UKE I FOR A CHABITABLB PPXPOSB, I 'V* SO DOOBT,
MY DBAB ! I "
Title by Prescription.
IT has been stated that Si a ROCXDELL PALMER, on hii
approaching elevation, would take the title of " Lord
Mixbury," from his birthplace. There must surely be
some mistake here, for SIR ROUNDELL is a great Lawyer,
not a great Doctor.
THE FREEMAN OF GLASGOW.
You 'BE a sharp man of business, indeed, ROBERT LOWE :
For a principal partner of GLADSTONE & Co.,
You seem just a tit man to a critical sight,
"When that Firm's viewed in simply a mercantile light.
You 've a head on your shoulders, from some of your talk
To conclude, above what waiters use to call " chalk."
But while that must be granted, there's this to be said ;
You 've a chiefly chalk heart, if a partly chalk head.
In framing a Budget you'd challenge compare,
Impartial to render its weight did you dare,
And cease, in imposing taxation, your plan
To make it unpleasant as much as you can.
But need you, because at a Budget you 're pat,
A Bagman's view take of your place, for all that?
There is more in that office, by many degrees,
Than the work of a saveall and parer of cheese.
Let forest and open space, rather than cost
The Hation a farthing, be sold off and lest :
Let a Traveller perish ; a Livingstone rot,
If his rescue would lessen a surplus one jot.
Such views are the views of a Bagman, sweet BOB.
And a Bagman of Bagmen. Beguiled by what Snob
Officially down have you let yourself drop,
Mere foreman to be of the national shop P
A shop in the retail line, ROBERT, as though
A firm of small grocers were GLADSTONE & Co.,
Who sacrifice, popular aiming to be,
All else to the end of reducing their tea.
Say some public money 's abnormally spent
To rescue a hero, or loss to prevent
Of land reclaimed, open space, common, or wood,
What's the harm, after all, as compared with the good r
Is a breach of your doctrinaire's doctrine a sin,
That silex you so perseveringly skin ?
Posterity, sure, at museums will view
Certain " flints in the drift," that have been skinned by you.
0 hark how the people your colleagues abuse,
Because you and another are two such dire screws !
By a too parsimonious AYRTOIC and Low«
Why should ill-will be raised against GLADSIOX* 4 Co. P
QUESTIONS TO BE SETTLED BY CONGRESSES.
1. WHEW is the Season at Islington P
2. What sort of fishing is there at Ball's Pond ?
3. By the last Census how many Hop-pickers were living at
4 Country gentlemen are often on the look out to " pick up an
animal to suit them." Would this opportunity be offered wne
Horse falls down? If not, explain how you can pick up what
hasn't fallen down.
5. Has it yet been decided who was the first performer of
tune the old Cow died of P If still a doubtful matter, is it not
probable that it was OLK BULL, the Celebrated Violinist .'
HEARTLESS CONDUCT.
AN Elderly Gentleman, while comfortably enjoying the warmth of
his own drawing-room fire, tamed hit tot* out. Ho reason has
yet been assigned for this barbarous cruelty.
VOL. Lxrn.
148
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
i Letters finished,
we descend to the
court-yard of the
Grand Monarque,
intending to go out,
and call on the
MOMFISONS. To my-
self I acknowledge
that I am a trifle
anxious about see-
ing BEBTHA.
Happy Thought.
— Dissemble before
my Aunt. Say care-
lessly, "Let me see!
How many MOMPI-
80N8 are there P I
forget their names."
Aunt falls into
trap. Somehow,
when she comes to
speak of BERTHA, I
like to hear her
mentioned, and ask
questions about her.
In the court-yard
we come upon MIL-
BUBD and his wife,
who, with CAPTAIN
FOETESCTTE, and a natty little German gentleman in Tery tight
trousers, very square-toed boots, and the usual eye-glasses, are
seated listlessly at one of the small tables. We are introduced
to the German. He is HEBE KOPFEIT, and is immediately enthu-
siastically polite to my Aunt.
The waiter is pouring out a fizzing beverage for MILBTJED. FOB-
TE8CUE is regarding the operation despondently.
My Aunt inquires of MBS. MILBUKD if this is part of the medical
course which her husband is supposed to be undergoing.
I suggest that brandy-and-soda, at half-past eleven A.M., is not a
good thing.
" It 's a very good thing," replies MILBUBD. " It 's nature 's
restorer."
" But," I put it to him, " if you 're here for health " (at which
notion FOBTESCUE laughs sarcastically) " you ought to go in regu-
larly for the waters."
I tell him so," says MBS. MILBTTBD, " but he won't."
" My dear fellow," returns MILBUBD, " the waters are all humbug.
Old Thingummy the Doctor says so. Some of the medical men be-
lieve in 'em, and some don't."
My Aunt, who has been listening intently, suddenly breaks in
upon the conversation in a frightened manner — " But, MB. MILBTJED,
you don't mean to say that, having come all this way from England,
the waters are no good for rheumalgia! Why, my nephew"
(turning towards me reproachfully) " told me that three years ago
he was cured here."
"Very likely," says FOBTESCUE, regarding us with melancholy
compassion ; " but it makes you worse afterwards."
I deny it warmly. I feel that my Aunt has come here at her
own request, it is true, but to a certain extent through my repre-
sentations, and that now my, as it were, professional opinion is at
stake.
Happy Thought.— Adopt the safe system in betting, and " hedge."
Say that, of course, a great deal must depend on the constitution of
the individual ; a great deal, also, on diet ; much, too, on change of
life, change of air, regularity, and so forth.
Happy Thought.— What a capital Doctor I should have made, as
far as giving advice is concerned. With a knowledge of three
medicines, and with a place to send patients to when troublesome,
one might get on capitally for years without being found out.
Medical Happy Thought (as a rule). — Let the Patient prescribe for
himself, unconsciously. My idea of being a Doctor is this : — Rule,
Talk to Patient, humour him or her, prescribe one out of the three
medicines with which you are acquainted. I 've often noticed a smile
on a chemist's face when I 've given him a prescription, written by
some celebrated man, to be made up. He reads the first two or
three items, and at once knows who has ordered it. Then he smiles,
as much as to say, " Here 's the old prescription again." Become
confidential with the same chemist years afterwards, and he'll
but Patient not any better. Patient, being fidgety, harks back to
Doctor again. Doctor (e. g., myself) coquettes with the second fee,
but, being pressed, takes it, and orders another visit in a week's
time, after presenting Patient with prescription " No. 2 in the
books." Chemist again. Same smile. Same confidential commu-
nication years afterwards, D.V., i. e. Doctors volente.
Another week. Patient back again. Myself still as Doctor. _Yes,
has been better, but thinks that he now feels it (whatever it is)
rather more on the left side than the right. Loss of appetite after
meals, despondency in the rain, low spirits when in pecuniary
difficulties, nervous irritability in a four-wheeler when going to catch
a train, and so forth. Doctor meditates. Question to him is, shall
I give him No. 3 or repeat No. 2. If Doctor's hands are very full,
out comes prescription No. 3 ; if business is slack, No. 2 is repeated.
Same business with fee as before. Call again in ten days. Patient
calls again. " Doesn't," he says, "know what it is, but he gets so
tired when he walks, and so hot, that he 's always obliged to take a
cab. Can't sleep at night, though intolerably drowsy immediately
after dinner and in the middle of the day. Forgot to mention last
time that his right foot appeared to be a little swollen, and that
one of his ears has a peculiar tingling in it." Account received with
gravity. Questions asked, which, being founded upon the patient's
recent information, only lead to a recapitulation of symptoms.
Useless, hut something must be done for the money. _ Deliberation
in Doctor's mind as to whether it's any use keeping this idiot
here, or not. Decision, send him away. Recommend thermal
springs on the Continent. Patient looks a bit frightened, but
promises to be off next day. Being slow in producing his fee, it
is evident to the Doctor's quick mind that he is reluctant to part
with it. Doctor [myself still in practice] at once positively refuses
to take it. Patient doesn't press it. Exit Patient. Doctor, alone,
is satisfied that he 's seen the last of him for some time to come.
Patient goes away, takes baths, changes air and diet, becomes so
fresh that he returns to England full of the praise of the Doctor (I
am supposing myself to be the Doctor) who advised him to go there.
In return, he tells everyone, no matter what may be the matter
with them, to go to his Medical Adviser. Fortune made for Medical
Adviser, out of three draughts, and letting Patient prescribe for
himself.
By the way, mustn't broach these opinions to my Aunt, who has
come here to be cured of rheumatism and neuralgia by baths and
galvanism. Odd that it never occurred to her that galvanism in
England would be the same as galvanism in Germany. But no, to
be able to say " I was obliged to go abroad for my health," gives a
sort of importance to an invalid, and if it does not enlist sympathy,
it secures at least a certain respect.
Happy Thought. — Under the " circs." hold Mister Tongue.
It doesn't seem to me that MILBUED'S system will be of any great
benefit to him. Being here, he says he 's going in for the whole thing.
His idea of this course is to rise rather later than is his custom in
England, and, after haying had a cup of chocolate while dressing, a
process that occupies him generally a considerable portion of the
morning, he takes, at twelve o' clock, a light and airy repast, called a
dejeuner a la fourchette, consisting of about fourteen courses,
including dessert with cheese. It is evident, as he argues, that he can't
do the sulphur bath immediately after this, and as to drinking the
sulphur water, that he is assured by his Doctor, he says, is all
nonsense. The newspapers, a few pipes, and a drink of what he
terms "fizzical force, engage his attention for an hour and a half
after the above-mentioned meal, at the expiration of which time it
occurs to him that a drive would be a nice thing for his wife. This
amiable lady at once accedes to the proposition, and the Monarque is
commanded to furnish its guests with a carriage and pair, which
order the Monarque executes in truly Royal Continental style. The
carriage looks as if it were spick and span new, the brass harness
gleams in the sun, as does also the Coachman's patent varnished hat
with its doubly polished cockade on the right side, the whole thing
being made of the same material, I fancy, as the Prussian soldier's
helmet, only, of course, without the brass spike at the top, which
would not look well sticking out of the crown of the hat, although
it might prevent people sitting on it when left, by accident, on a
chair. As to the Coachman's collars and stock, they are simply
wonderful for shape, whiteness, and supernatural stiffness. I
should say that the entire framework, concealed from view by linen,
is of the strongest steel. Out of Aix, where unfortunately the
equipage is familiar to the inhabitants, the whole turn-out might
be taken for something Ducal, especially when drawn, as it often is,
by four horses. He invites us to join them. My Aunt, who I think
is rather captivated by the shininess of the foreign turn-out, accepts
with pleasure, observing to me that we can call on the MOMPISONS
when we return. Very well. I should like to see, in fact I think I
am longing to meet once again, BEBTHA MOMPISOIC, and yet I am
not sorry for the postponement. Evidently nervousness.
We seat ourselves in the carriage ; then, amid the admiring
glances of the spectators (strangers who don't know who we are),
and the obsequiousness of the waiters, with a great jingling of the
brass harness, a rattling over the courtyard stones, and a sounding
smack of the whip, we start for our drive.
OCTOBER 12, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
U'J
OUT OF DANGER.
T the recent Disestablish-
ment Conference at Bir-
mingham, whilst MH.
MIALL was speaking, a
voice cried out, " I
guished." Reminded by
this of the ( 'artoon in which
he was a prominent figure,
not long ago, in Punch,
MIL MULL is reported to
have pone on to say, with
much good humour, but
with one enormous error : —
" Extinguished ! Yrs, when
even that publication which
has diffused to much enter-
tainment and imuieraent over
the circles of English society
shall hare been forgotten, then
this movement, which they
deemed to be extinguiihed by
a few tpeeche* in Parliament,
and by a few statesmen who
hare not yet made up th. ir
mind», that movement will
probably hare realised iU
object, and history will record
it as one of tne greatest
triumphs of humanity and of
Christianity."
Take heart, ye Deans!
Ye Canons, be comforted !
O incumbents of rich bene-
fices with small parishes!
O fathers now hesitating
to go into the market and
purchase advowsons and
next presentations for your male offspring at present slumbering in their cradles !
O array of ecclesiastics, from best paid Bishop to worst paid Curate ! 0 army
of prebendaries, precentors, chancellors, surrogates, oeadles, bell-ringers,
bellows-blowers, organists, sextons, apparitors, vergers, clerks, choristers, lay
vicars, and archdeacons— cheer up, all of you, and dis-
miss, now and for ever, your gloomy thought*, your
misgivings and forebodings as to the security and
stability of the Establishment in whose welfare you ar«
so profoundly interested. MX. Miu i . i T once under-
taking the duty ot a fum-tionary of that Church which
tills him with so much uneasiness, has rung the kn. -11 1.1
his own Mution. The date he has had the imprudence
i to fix for the disappearance "t tin Hiiir-rli of England
munt take order will k Kalends and I-att- r
Lammas. It will nevi r 1 in any dictionary, or
mi Huiri'i trcknica, >o tormented
schoolboy or distracted schoolgirl will ever be called upon
to commit it to i No Member of Parliament, or
platform orator, or public k-ctur. r, \v it as a
part of the past or a tirobability in the future. Why •
Because, according to Sin. Mi AM., the best of all autho-
rities, the Church is to be disestablished— he had tin-
caution to throw in the word " probably "—when Pmrh
"shall have been forgotten ; " and, as that can NBVKB
be, the friends and forces of the Church may discard all
their fears and quaking* for its perpn
antagonists of the Church mar abandon their Con-
ferences, Committees, and Societies, their Subscription^
and Speeches and Pamphlets, the disestablishment of
the Establishment being postponed tinr Jit, pat off
until another event has happened, which everybody feels
never can, shall, or will happen. The Church Congress
may meet at 1-eeds with a light heart now. It was with
a graceful reference to Ourself, that Ms. MIALL predicted
| that when a journal which had done to much for tin
delight of mankind should be no more, the anti-Church
effort would be regarded with admiration. We are quit*
satisfied with the date he fixes, and as his agitation is
thus proclaimed to be hopeless, we affectionately advise
him and all rational Dissenters at once to become sub-
scribers to the Thirty-Nine Articles and to Punch.
TO ARTISTS, AMATKUBS, AXD OTHEBS.
LOGICIANS tell us that two Negatives make an
Affirmative. Will somebody say how many Negatives
make a Photographer '(
WHAT HAVE THEY ALL BEEN DOING ?
Mu. LAZIEBONES has spent his long vacation chiefly in his easy-
chair, and in going through a course of reading in French novels.
LOBD THOMAS NODDY has been yachting round the Scilly Islands.
MR. SCAMPER, haying barely three weeks at his disposal, made a
rush to Russia, coming back by Copenhagen.
MESSRS. BACKWATER and BICEPS have, as usual, spent their
holiday in developing their muscle, and, in the brief interval be-
tween their spells of rowing, have been indulging in the dumb-bells
and in underdone beefsteaks.
MRS. DODGER, with her daughter, has been heir-hunting in the
Highlands.
MR. BOOBIE, having a spare day at his command, joined MESSRS.
BLUNDERHEAD and NINCOMPOOP in killing sparrows from a trap,
with a view to the improvement of his skill in pheasant-shooting.
MB. HUNTER TUFTE has been profitably spending his vacation on
the Continent, in acting as the courier and errand-goer of LORD
SKYNFLYNT.
MR. COZIE has most sensibly enjoyed his autumn holiday by stay-
ing with his family in his own comfortable home, rather than under-
go the martyrdom of travelling.
CAPTAIN FLUKER has devoted a great portion of this autumn to
practising the spot-stroke, and learning dodges of the marker.
MR. FEEBLE, JUNIOR, has been playing on the flute for more than
five hours daily, and has now returned to business in a prostrate
condition.
MR. LATEBTRD went to Scarborough for the benefit of sea-air ;
which, however, he inhaled chiefly in the smoking-room and billiard-
Miss GADABOUT, since Midsummer, has been to Tnnbridgre Wells,
and Cowes Regatta, and the War on Salisbury Plain, and Worcester
Festival, and Inverness, and Bath, and Tipperary, and is now en-
joying a tour in Transylvania.
MK. SPBIGGINS. having a day's holiday conceded him, spent a part
of it in making the ascent of Primrose Hill ; accomplishing the feat
without a guide, or accident, except that his hat blew off, and that
he nearly tumbled down in his hurry to recover it.
MR. GAUDER passed a pleasant week at Hombnrg, and lost a good
deal more than he could well afford, in his attempts to break the
bank by a " system " of safe gambling, which he thought he had
discovered.
PROFESSOR MUDDLKBRAI.N has spent a most instructive holiday in
studying the habits of the common Cockroach.
MRS. PKANCER has been profitably passing the last two month* in
besieging MR. GOLDMORK, the Australian millionnaire, who hat at
length proposed to her.
MR. TAOO, accompanied by MR. WRAO and MR. BOBTAIL, took their
" dawgs" to Hampstead on Sunday morning last, for the purpose of
enjoying a private exhibition of their combative propensities.
MR. FLASHER has been yachting down at Dover, as his friends are
all informed, though the fact is that he never once went out of
harbour.
MR. GLOOMIF. has devoted at least half of his holiday to ex-
amining his tradesmen's books, and calculating how long, if the
price of coals and beef and mutton rises yearly as it has done, he
will be able to exist upon his present income.
MR. TEMPLE CHAMBERS went this autumn to Chamonnix, in the
hope of falling in with those jolly girls the FLOUXCERS, who chanced
to tell him they were going there, and whose father, as he knows,
has influence with solicitors.
MR. FLYTTKR took advantage of a half day s holiday that was
taken by his landlady, by removing all his traps and taking himself
off without paying for his lodgings.
MASTER HARRT LARK is has enjoyed a jolly holiday, as usual
doing his utmost to drive his parents crazy by the row he has been
making.
MR. PADDLET has achieved a most successful canoe voyage on U
Serpentine.
MR. SWETTER, being kept in London this vacation, ewMrui
small mound of chalk in his back garden, and, getting up it daily
with his alpenstock in hand, has endeavoured to imagine he w«s in
a foreign climb.
MR. WILLIAM MUGGINS, having prospered m a speculate
chase of stale cat's-meat, spent a portion of his prohts last Monday
afternoon in treating his old missus to an airing up the Monument.
CAPTAIN DKUCKACE. with a view to the wmttr club l»|iii
has been keeping in his hand by playing treble dummy.
MR. JRREMIAH DIDDLBR has been spending his autumn in co
ing his account-books, which he means shortly to exhibit in the
Court of Bankruptcy.
150
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1872.
THE NASAL ORGAN.
Superior Being. "Now, THEN, EFFIK, WHY DON'T YOU JUMP?"
Effie. " 'CAUSE IF I JUMPED I MIGHT TUMBLE DOWN ; AN' IF I TUMBLEDOWNED, I MIGHT BREAK MY NOSE !"
Superior Being. " POOH ! WHAT 's THE GOOD OP A NOSE TO rout You NEVER BLOW IT .'"
AN AUTHORITY ON AN AET-TEEASURE.
HE stood — the Chief Commissioner of Works — in Leicester Square,
And contemplated the remains of British Sculpture there.
Where once a Horse and his Eider stood— but the Horse now
stands alone.
A chasm gapes wide in his foreside ; of the Rider all is gone.
" Ha ! " cried our gracious Minister. " Fine relic of the antique.
Like Greek and Roman statues, but particularly Greek.
'Tis mutilated very much, and so are most of those ;
Some want an arm, and some a leg, and some have lost a nose.
" At Athens had it been duff up, or the River Tiber nigh,
The Papers would have said it was a thing we ought to buy.
On images much money to lay out I 'm not inclined ;
But stifl one may preserve them when one has the luck to find.
" To save it from destruction, now, suppose I send it hence.
It will not put the nation to a very great expense,
If put in the Museum— in the British, which contains
So extensive an assortment of like classical remains.
" There are the Elgin Marbles, at which I could never play.
There it can keep them company, for people to survey.
'Tis true that for an YKdile's post I '11 own I 'm not the hand ;
But I natter myself that 's a work of Art which I do understand."
"Who is the Party P
ME. BUTT has made a speech in which he compares Ireland to
" blind SAMSON in chains, making sport for the Saxon Philistines."
Dear MB. BUTT, how came SAMSON to grief ? Was it not through
abject devotion to a certain DELILAH, MR. BUTT ? Who is your
SAMSON'S DELILAH, ME. BurrP Has she an alias, and is it the
Scarlet Lady ?
QUOTATION IN THE CITY.
" CERTAIN, 'tis certain ; very sure, very sure : death, as the
Psalmist saith, is certain to all." This remark, although originally
made by Justice Shallow, will perhaps bear a comparison, in one
particular, with the subjoined observation for which we are in-
debted to ex-Sheriff BENNETT. In the course of a humorous
address on quitting office, SIR JOHN BENNETT, speaking at Guild-
hall of himself and his colleague, said that : —
" He was quite sure they had improved on the maxim of the Psalmist ;
they had filled the hungry with good things, without sending the rich empty
away."
Not for a moment to liken SIR JOHN BENNETT to Justice Shallow,
it may nevertheless be allowable to point out that the passage
referred to in the foregoing extract from a report of his speech is, in
the first place, not a maxim of the Psalmist, and secondly, not a
maxim at all. It is a statement of a fact made, indeed, in a psalm,
and therefore by a personage describable as a Psalmist, but quite
another than the one generally understood to be denoted by that
name preceded by the definite article. On due reference, the worthy
ex-Sheriff will find that the practice extolled by an occasional
Psalmist in the words which he supposed to he a maxim of the
Psalmist who wrote the Psalter, was one on which it would be bold
to imagine the possibility of improvement. It may be remarked
that, in the delivery of a retiring speech, the Nunc dimittis would
have seemed more suitable for quotation than the Magnificat,
"As it Fell."
THE Holborn has not been a very fortunate Theatre of late, but
having reopened with a new piece entitled Miss Chester, we hope
soon to hear that the Chester is a hit, and not a Miss. If the
Management can then add " Chester draws," it will have turned
the tables on ill-luck, and possess a valuable piece of furniture.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER 12, 1872.
LEICESTER SQUARE!!!
A-BMT THE (BJJjHis. "HA! NOW THAT'S A STYLE OF ART I FLATTER MYSELF I REALLY DO
UNDERSTAND 1 "
OCTOBER 12, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
153
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
On this occasion he addresses the Respected Editor, after a tint
to the Dore Gallery.
WAS told that I ought to go and tee
DOHE'S great— or if not great, at all
events big, picture, now oeing exhi-
bited at his Gallery in Bond Street.
There were other pictures there, it was
added as an inducement to me to lay
out my shilling, which I also ought to
see. You may recollect, Sir, how, on
one occasion, when I suggested to you
that I should go to the Opera officially
— I took care to emphasise " officially,
meaning thereby that I intended to
occupy a Stall as agent for your office,
as, in point of fact, Your Representa-
tive—I say you may recollect how
heartily you slapped me on the back,
and exclaimed, " By all means, my dear
boy, go, and tell us how you like it."
It was a delicate point. I couldn't
broadly say, " Well, the expenses «f
this official visit will be so much," —
firstly, from native modesty, which
would rather have prompted me to send
yon in the items afterwards ; secondly,
because I felt that your answer would
be jocose, and not— from my point of
view — to the purpose. Therefore, Sir,
I wrote that article about the Opera,
which was highly praised for its extreme
Impartiality. I admit now that I did
not go to the Opera on the occasion in question. But as Your Re-
presentative I have been to see the Gustave Dore Gallery, and
with admission and catalogue I represented you up to eighteenpenoe.
I represented you at the entrance of the Gallery, and paid a shil-
ling. I further represented up-stairs that, as you, I was entitled to
a Catalogue gratis. The boy smiled, and said, " Sixpence." Sir, I
kept up your dignity, and paid him the money. I Know how you
comport yourself when you visit exhibitions ; and while representing
you about that Gallery, I improved on you to a great extent. Sir,
you would scarcely have known yourself again. Well, Sir, I as-
sumed a thoughtful attitude, and among the crowd I stood regarding
that Great Picture. I was becoming contemplative, ana I was
giving myself up to silent and rapt meditation, when a serious-
looking, respectable Gentleman said to me, in a low tone, "A very
fine picture, Sir."
As Your Representative, and as having paid one shilling and
sixpence, I knew my business too well to go into ecstasies hastily.
I replied, dubiously, "Hum — well "and frowned. (You, Sir,
all over ; only better and more artistically done. In fact, you must
take lessons from me.)
The seriously civil Gentleman seemed a little surprised at my
reply, and continued, in a low, gentle, murmuring-stream-kind of
tone, as if he were speaking in church, and under the eye of the
beadle, " You 're not in the best position to see it." I knew this, of
course, and said so. "Of course," he continued in return, and
echoing my words : " and the more you study it, Sir, the more
you '11 appreciate it." A pause. Then he went on in my ear, as if
this were a secret which not a soul must know except ourselves.
" We 're going to have it engraved." I felt that, as myself, I ought
to have been staggered, that I ought to have slapped my hand on
my forehead, and exclaimed, " Good heavens ! No ! ! " But as
you, Sir, I merely raised my eyebrows (with much more significance
than you manage what you call your eyebrows), and said, quietly,
' Indeed ! '
" Yes," he continued, in the same whispering, seductive tone, like
an eminently respectable Ophidian on two legs tempting a person —
(myself representing you, Sir, and her) — " our cleverest engraver is
going to do it. The picture will be this size." Here he led me (that
is, in politeness, as you, I was bound to follow him while, like KINO
CHASMS, he walked and talked) to a sort of desk at the side, on
which was a large book, and over which was a blank piece of paper
framed. To this last he pointed as he resumed, "It will be this
size." And now he raised his voice very slightly, just for the
benefit of an |old Clergyman who was standing at my elbow, but
who did not, however, appear interested. The figures," my
tempter went on, "the figures will be to this scale" — (indicating
an engraving on the wall), "and we can" (this most confidentially
in my ear, and on no account to be repeated by me to a living soul)
" we can procure you one of the first impressions " (I thought,
Sir, that he knew I was representing You, and I smiled benignly}
"one of the first impressions— artist's proof" (certainly I would
accept it with some diffidence (on your account), and w»i pre-
paring to say so when ha added, lasfaroatingly, "if you'll jiut
write your name down in the Subtcriben' //.«,*." AH rnyn-ll, and on
your account, to think how You had been trapped, artfully trapped,
into this conversation, I was indignant, bat remembering myself —I
mean yourself— I limply thanked the showman (he was, afUT all,
only one of the showmen), and said, an I always reply to my hair-
dresser's young man when he inquire* as to my needs in the matter
of pomatum, &o., &o., that " I didn't want anything to-day ; but
prhaps when I had seen the picture several times, I might !*.•
inclined, and so forth.
Long before I had got to the end of my well-chosen sentence, the
man had evidently lost all interest in me, and was selecting, with a
keen eye to btuinem, his next victim. I should have liked
{ interest) to have asked him various questions about the other piotures,
but he had already quitted my side, and was inndiou-
ing a very young-looking gentleman, who seemed to be frightened
1 on being: addressed by a stranger, and who. if caught at that mo-
ment, might, before he knew what hu was about, have been beauti-
fully landed— name and address and all in full— in the Snbecriberi'
Book.
"No," laid I to myself, as yourself, " I will now be contempla-
tive. Let me sec where I shall begin. Say the background
..." and I was falling into a critical reverie in an attitude
which is a vast improvement, though conscientiously founded upon
yours, when an elderly Gentleman, of a retired Indian military
appearance, addressed me genially with, " 1 suppose
this before t" In an instant I, too, was genial ; that i -
genial. " No," I said, " 1 had not. It is a work," 1 addod, " th.n
demands close attention." The genial Indian Colonel admitted this,
and approved the sentiment. He then commenced pointing out with
his spectacles what appeared to him to be the special beauties of th«
picture. " DORE was five years over this," he informed nu-
years. The war interfered with the work: but after the war he
completed it. The central figure is quite an inspiration— quite an
inspiration. It's a picture that grows upon you— that really grows
upon you. It's a picture one likes to think of and to remember."
lie was becoming enthusiastic, and I allowed you, Sir, to go with
him to a certain extent. Finding me so far ir. accord with him,
the Indian Colonel sank his voice a little, and (aid, " //are you
heard that this is going to be engraved ! " In one second I taw it
all. He, the disturber of my (and your) reverie was Tout Number
Two. As this flashed across me, he motioned me toward* the right
wall, and following the direction of his hand, I then saw in a
corner a similar desk, a similar blank sheet framed, a similar en-
graving, and a similar Subscribers' Book to that at the other end of
the apartment.
Thenceforth I became suspicious of my fellow man. I debated
within myself, and with You, of course, whether I should not invent
a name and address for this book. Suppose (I said to myself as
yourself) I write down Count Jclliriski, Enton House, Macclrgrart
Square, how pleased the Indian Colonel would be, how delighted
the exhibitors would be, and even H. DOR/: himself might like it.
Then imagine the day when the Proofs had to be sent out. Imagine
all the address books, Court Guides, City and Suburban Directories,
that would have to be ransacked. Sir, I reasoned with yon whom
I was representing, and showed you that a practical joke was
unworthy of yon, and you gave in ; that is, I didn't do it. But my
interest in the pictures was gone, and was now centred in that
Retired Colonel. He was down on everybody, one after the other,
never insidiously or stealthily, but genially to men, and most
courteously to women.
He picked put the old Clergyman who had been by my side before.
With a certain reverence in his manner, but still genial, he expended
three minutes in directing the good old parson's attention towards
the scriptural bearing of the characters in the picture. " How,"
said the Colonel, piously, in conclusion, " it brings the sacred narra-
tive before us 1 By the way, u>» 're going to hate it engraved, and
here "
At this point the old Clergyman, who had appeared scarcely con-
scious that he was being addressed, turned quietly to the Colonel,
on seeing him move, and said, politely. " I beg your pardon. I 'm
afraid you've been speaking to me; but I'm quite deaf." The
Colonel bowed and retired. Neither holloaing nor pantomime was
in his line.
A very upright, sqnirely-looking Gentleman, with two sons, was
looking at the picture. The Colonel was at him, assuming a frank
Old-English-gentleman-kind of heartiness that must have been
quite a relief to him after his subdued religions tone with the Clergy-
man. It was, to put it profanely, coming from Texts to Turnips.
" Fine picture," he said. " Well," returned the Squire, abruptly,
" I donH like the central figure." The Colonel is aghast : he is
sure that there is some mistake : he is certain that, if the visitor
-studies it longer, he will be charmed with it. " No," says the
Squire, bluntly, and his sons are evidently listening in admiration,
"I don't like the central figure," and he looks sternly at the
151
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1872.
THE
IRREPRESSIBLE" AGAIN.
Gext in Knickerbockers. " RUMMY SPEAKEBS THEM 'IGHLANDKBS, 'ENERY. WHEN WE wos TALKING TO ONE OF THE 'AND?,
NOTICE 'IM SAYING 'Nozziira' FOB 'NOTHIXK,' AND 'Sas' FOB "£'?"
DID YOU
Colonel, as if he expected him to reply, " Well, I'm really very
sorry you don't like it. I '11 go and rub it out at once." The
Colonel, however, is quite ready for all comers with all objections.
He is at him with quotations to show that the artist has taken the
correct view. The Squire becomes more positive, but admits that
there is something in what the Colonel says. The Colonel sees his
way to his object at once. He says, as if he had conceived a very high
opinion of the Squire's judgment, "Ah, you must see the Engrav-
ing." The Squire asks, simply, " Is there an engraving of it ? "
The Colonel motions him towards the right wall, whither he is
followed by the Squire and his sons. I notice the change on their
faces when the Subscribers' Book is mentioned. I notice (for you)
how people edge away from these corners after they 've once been
caught, and how part of the visitor's time is engaged in dodging the
genial Colonel and his talented assistant. If safety is sought in flight,
there is a third assistant at the door, sedentary and not itinerary,
who fixes you as you go out. I represented you, and was not to
be fixed. Now, Sir, speaking for you, I ask, couldn't this be done
in an office at the side, without these Talkative Gentlemen (excellent
persons, no doubt) in the exhibition room itself, where the spectator
should be left in such peace and quiet as he can find in the studious
throng. An advertisement could tell the public about the intended
Engraving, and " This way to the Office," &e., could be placarded in
the passage.
Now, Sir, I have done my duty, as You, at the Bore Gallery.
The next time I visit that exhibition I shall go as— myself.
YOUB REPBESENTATIVE MAX.
One to Borne.
LIBERAL AMADEUS reigns in Spain, and lightning falls upon his
palace ! If Infallibility does not make the most of this palpable
miracle, Infallibility had better throw up the sponge, and subscribe
to GALILEO'S blasphemous assertion that the earth goes round the
sun. A more manifest celestial interference in favour of the Church
has never occurred since the appearance of Our Lady of Salette in
the night-dress of " a zealous lady of the neighbourhood." We
heartily congratulate the Vatican on a firework worthy of S. Angelo.
WATER AND WOLF!
THE following extract from the Metropolitan is no fun, but, on
the contrary, must excite very serious thoughts in the minds of
dwellers in the districts which bear the denomination of that
journal, and are subject to the Water Act of the same name :—
" All the great Water Companies resisted to the utmost the introduction of
filtering-beds, and the effort to compel them to take their supply from pure
sources; but their resistance proved futile, and they were forced to yield.
Last Session they, or some persons in their interest, succeeded in foisting into
the Act provisions which impose upon unhappy householders a large outlay
for the reception of a constant supply, while there is no security that such
supply will be served. Moreover, the charges are grossly extortionate ; and in
the suburbs it would often be cheaper for the inhabitants to sink their own
wells."
As if meat and coals were not dear enough, as though metropoli-
tan householders, many of them, were not sufficiently fleeced by the
partial Income-tax, and by highway rates paid on account of other
people's carriages and horses : they are now condemned to be enor-
mously mulcted by the Water Companies under pretence of affording
them a constant supply of a fluid so called, whether they do or do
not want it, and whether they get it or not— in short, whether,
in a twofold sense of the words, they will or no. It was the
other day announced that the new Water Act, which may per-
haps be called the Water Companies Extortion Act, was about to be
immediately tried on at Fulham. Peradventure it will be found
not to fit. Already most householders can hardly keep the Wolf
from the Door. What will they do when the Wolf shall have been
reinforced by the Water Companies ?
Gibe from Geneva.
AN American friend says that the presence of Eight First Class-
men in the Ministry accounts for its absence of " pluck."
THE PESSIMIST'S POSTULATE.— All 's for the worst.
OCTOBER 12, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LOXUOX CHARIVARI.
155
A DOOMED MAN!
Frail and Delicate Individual (with much Pathos). " AH, Miss BROWW 1 / SHALL
NEVKR MAKRT I " Miss Brown. " WHY ? "
Frail and Delicate Individual. " BECAUSE I'M CONSUMPTIVE ! — QUITE CON-
VINCED OF ITl OflLY DON'T T*LL MY POOR MOTHEB !— IT WOULD BREAK HXB
HEART ! "
DISCOVERIES FOE A DISCOVERER.
MR. STANLEY having discovered DR. I.IM V.-T.XE, the
fashion seems to be commencing of setting him t
as the Universal Discoverer. When not better occupied,
let HE. STANLEY set t<. work to discnv-r
The Lost Pleiad.
The first Joke. When made, and who made it.
Perpetual Motion.
The Missing Link in the Last London Fog.
What becomes of all the Pins.
Who takes the Umbrellas.
Several mysterious cases of undetected rrim. .
Wlio sends Conscience Money to the ' OR OF
niK EXCHEQUER.
\Vhat becomes of the Postage Stampi given at change
by Club waiters and put into ymr waistcoat
The mode of paying a cabman his exact fare without a
row.
MH. ATRIUM'S good taste.
On, STANLEY, on, there's plenty of time before you.
Turning the Tables.
FROM information received from Homburg, i
that a M. BIMKOA, a wealthy Maltese, boa t>« n w
such enormous sums at the tables, that M. }'•: \«re eonld
not stand the run ujxm the bank, and was obliged to
limit M. Ili.ii'.\'s< stakes. We are not sorry to flnd
that liuugr. et Xuir have at length proved too strong
for M. BLAXC, though we do not compliment the Manager*
of tln> gambling-table on their courage of fair-play in
knocking under directly they find a customer who is not
a pigeon. M. BCJEOA has the credit of winning by cal-
culation fairly ; if we thought otherwise, we should
have styled him the Maltese Cross. Most people who
gamble, draw blanks and lose their stakes, and it is re-
freshing to find the tables turned ; and we congratulate
the lucky Maltese— much as we hate gambling — on
drawing a BLANC every evening and filling his pockets.
" No Bule," &c.
WE have all got into the way of thinking and saying
that no man likes to be paid in his own coin. The asser-
tion is rather too sweeping, for there is one person, at
least, who would not make the slightest opposition to
such a proceeding — the MASTER OF THE MUTT.
A STOPPAGE AT SALFORD.
THE Sabbatarian statute called the " Lord's Day Act," passed by
tyrannical fanatics under CHARLES THE SECOND, has lately been
invoked, at Manchester and Salford, against certain barbers, by a set
of people who call themselves the " Sunday Closing Association."
According to the Manchester Guardian, five barbers were fined under
this preposterous Act of Parliament, at Manchester, on the 20th ult.,
for shaving customers on a Sunday. Salford, however, happens to be
blest with a Magistrate who is no fool, MR. HIGGIN, Q.C., Chairman
of the Salford Hundred Court of Quarter Sessions. A barber,
charged with the same offence as that for which those others were
fined, was, on Tuesday last week, summoned before him. The
informer who thus sought to injure his neighbour, had thought, as
alao had other informers in Manchester, that an Act of 1871, practi-
cally suspending the Act of 1677, had by this time expired. MR.
HIGGIN, however, was better informed. He had found that the
suspensory Act was continued by an Act passed in the last Session,
and would continue in force until September next. The informer,
therefore, and his associates were put out of court ; but it is to be
regretted that no law empowers the people to put sanctimonious
meddlers under the pump.
MR. HIGGIN, let it be repeated, is no fool ; and the other Magis-
trates, who fined the five barbers in their ignorance of the law, and
perhaps in their sympathy with asinine Sabbatarians, are respect-
fully recommended to take to heart the words of wisdom which that
wise Magistrate uttered on dismissing a vexatious summons, and
sending a vile informer about his business : —
"Ma. HIOOIN remarked, apart from the legal question, ' that it waa not a
matter to be tolerated that people should associate themselves together for the
purpose of coercing their fellow-tradesmen, and invoking the aid of the
criminal law to carry out their purpose.' "
Note, all good people whom it may concern, that in September
next the pseudo-Pharisees' Act of 29 CHARLES TEX SECOND will
revive in all its odiousness, unless it be repealed, or have its suspen-
sion again renewed. For the Sabbatarians are likely to muster in the
House of Commons, in order, if possible, to defeat any motion tend-
ing to prevent their enforcement of it by conspiracy and information.
Did they not succeed in managing, at the end of the Session, to
form a majority for that injurious, wholly unnecessary, and
otherwise simply sectarian clause of the Licensing Act, which cloi
refreshment-rooms for an additional hour during excursion-hours
on Sunday afternoon ?
Rectification.
A BRITISH artisan has availed himself of the foolish trustfulness
of his employers, and having surveyed LORD RUSSELL'S house in
Richmond Park, has plundered it of several hundred pounds' worth
of jewels. We have not yet read any report of the speech in which
this "re-distributor of aristocratic wealth" hat vindicated his
conduct, hut it will be quite in accordance with the doctrines of the
day, should he allege that, considering how the BEDFORDS obtained
Woburn, the reprisals at Pembroke Lodge were perfectly justifiable.
Much worse teaching may be read in the " people's papers any
Sunday.
In Error.
THE Theatrical Entertainment given by the Mechanical Figures
at St. James's Hall, is not in any way operatic, nor are t
engaged in it any of the youngest members of the family of the
most renowned Italian Tenor ever seen in this or any other country.
The mistake has probably arisen from the name. But we arc
by authorised to declare that the name MarioneUei does not mean
the Little Marios.
156
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 12, 1872.
COLOR EST DETERRIMUS ALBUS."
Schoolmaster. " WHAT COLOTO, ACCORDING TO VIEGIL, is THE WORST IN A HOHSE ? "
Second Soy. "CHESTNUT." Third Bay (favourite). "BLACK."
WELL— BLACK ! YES, LIGHT BLACK ; TES, GREY. WELL— LIGHTISH GREY, IN FACT, WHITE. YES,
First Boy. " BROWN."
Schoolmaster (meditatively).
oo UP!"
MORE
POST FACTO.
IT has been suggested, in irony by some educated writers, in
stupid earnest by some ignorant speakers, that the builders of the
Alabama should be "invited" to contribute enormously towards
payment of the Geneva imposition. The idea is not so outrageous
as it appears. It is certainly logical. If England is to be amerced
in a great sum for doing what at the time she did it was perfectly
lawful, why not carry out the principle, and inflict a penalty on
MESSES. LAIRD for doing what was not only lawful at the time, but
is lawful now? But let us go on. Nobody will say that it is
unlawful, however unpleasant, for a person to he ill. The illness
a.£j ernmen* adviser prevented certain action in the case of the
Confederate vessels. Pass a law that no person shall be ill when
his services are required, and give it a retrospective action. Make
it include the doctors, who ought to have cured the official in time
to leave him fit to do his duty. One way and another we shall
manage to pick up a good many contributions towards the big fine,
if we will only follow up the noble rule initiated at the Geneva
Juggle. ___ _
Past and Present.
PHINCE BISMAECK has stopped the BISHOP OF EBMELAND'S
salary because that Ultramontane and Infalliblist illegally excom-
municated certain " Old Catholics." Nevertheless the Bishop, we
are informed by telegram, " unreservedly adheres to the position
assumed by him on the question of excommunication." Such Bishops
as the BISHOP or_ ERMELAND are anachronisms. The time for
excommunication is gone by. This present era of railways and
electric telegraphs is an age of communication.
A FULL DESCRIPTION.
"Widow of a Lieut.-Col. of H.A., daughter of a Lieut. -Gen. of Cavalry,
mother of a Lieutenant of Hussars, mother-in-law of two Staff Officers, and
aunt of one Lieut.-Colonel, one Colonel, and one Major."
THE foregoing has nothing to do with the Army List, but is just
the little history of herself which a lady appends to her signature to
a letter, which one of our evening contemporaries has published,
with other correspondence about that perpetual topic, " Our Serv-
ants." The signature itself is " GEESHOMA." Eettvna would have
been far more appropriate.
The City Morals.
AMONG the recent Civic ceremonies the attention of the public has
not been sufficiently attracted towards the " Swearing in the
Sheriffs." Now Swearing in anybody is bad, and, by degrees, worse,
according to the rank of the offender. Our Sheriffs should set good
examples. If Swearing in the Sheriffs is permitted, nay, sanc-
tioned, how can we stop Cursing in Coal-heavers ? We trust that
Our Present LORD MATOK will not countenance such immoral pro-
ceedings, and will check all Swearing in Sheriffs at the rate of five
shillings an oath at the very least.
Lines on Leaders.
THE Alabama Claims are set at rest,
Now drop the subject which has grown a pest.
Write off the loss, and never pipe your eye,
Spilt milk ! Spilt milk t O'er that in vain you cry.
MEM. FOB BATSMEN. — Cricketers will remember this year as BIOGBAPHT OF THE NEW LOED CHANCELLOR. — The Natural
" The Year of GRACE 1872." History of Selborne.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holfort Square. IB tHe Part«h of St. Jumps. Clerkenwell. In the County of Mtddleiex, at the Printing offlcei ol Meinrt. Bradbury, Ey.ni. * Co. ;Lomb»r4
Street, in tbe Precinct of Whjtefrian,in the City of IjOndon, and f ubllihed by him, at No. S3, Fleet Strte:, in the P.rish wf flt, Briue, Utjr of London.— SAIOJLDAT, October 12, 1671,
OCTOBER 19, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
157
THE MARCH OF BBVOTEMEHT.
PURISTS frequently are heard complaining of the pro-
gress and the prevalence of slang, and it ii certainly
distressing to a sensitive ear when a young gentleman
speaks of his papa as either "governor" or as "the
relieving officer," and still more when a young lady talks
of having had an awfully jolly caper " at the recent
county ball. Still, a little lower in the social scale, there
is noticeable nowadays a very marked refinement and
elegance of language. One hardly would ex |»i:t this in
the gallery of a theatre, and yet the cry M " ''»u»c bill
on'y a penny ! " has been improved, of late, to that of
"Programme or Hop'ra glass!" In certain minor
temples of the drama, as their halitufi no douU euphe-
mistically term them, beer is still the usual nectar pro-
vided for the "gods;" but we have vastly little duulit
that in a very little time rhubarb wine and Selt/i-r water
will be, instead of beer, provided. We entertain, more-
over, a confident opinion that fans will, on warm eve-
nings, be on hire lor the fair goddesses, and we shall
not be surprised to see them bringing big bouquets to
throw to the performers. Doubtless, no long time will
pass ere Eau-de-Cologne and other scents are likewise
freely sold to the fair patrons of the drama who occupy
the highest portion of the auditorium ; and, possibly,
next Christmas, a social law may be in forc<<, prohibit-
ing the " rods from appearing in their thirl- sleeves,
even upon Boxing-Night.
AN EXTENSIVE ORDER.
Mouthful* for Millionnaircs.
WHEN Oysters cost thrice less than now
They formed a frugal dish.
And people used to wonder how
Pearls grew in such cheap fish.
If Oystert rising keep in price,
Scion, years, that o er us whirl,
Will make the Oyster, morsel nice,
More precious than the Pearl.
DECIDEDLY WHOSO.
" 0, PLEASE, MlSP, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES TOR A PENNV, AND
ui' MB A DIIINK o' WATER, AN' TELL us THE EIGHT TIME! AN FATHER
WANTS A PIPE ; ADD LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S 'TlZBR." I I !
WOULD it not be misleading a foreigner, or a coun-
tryman, in search of some one to carry his luggage, to
tell him there was a place close at hand which announced
I that it had " the best Porter in the neighbourhood ? "
AN ASCENDING STORY.
SOME hosts have entertained angels unawares. Others have en-
tertained guests of quite another description in disguise. From a
case of information under the Licensing Act, which came, the other
day, before Ma. KNOX, at Marlborough Street, and from many other
such cases, it appears that the Police, by direction of their Superin-
tendents, are accustomed to enter public-houses during prohibited
Lours, and call for " intoxicating liquors," thus officially tempting
publicans, in order that they may inform against them, to break the
law. This vocation of Tempter is distinctly the reverse of angelic,
and when BOBBY is employed in it his name obviously expands itself
into Roberto il Diavolo.
He, not Roberto, but the personage from whom Roberto derived
his " addition," was. we know, the Father of Lies. It is remarkable
that the method whereby BOBBY, in the character of Roberto il
Diai-olo, Tempter of Publicans, proceeds, is altogether that of lying.
Roberto takes exactly after his reputed sire. He goes into a public-
house in plain clothes, thereby representing himself to be what he
is not— an honest private person. He asks to be supplied with
" intoxicating liquors ; " and perhaps he tells the direct he of saying
that he is a bond fide traveller.
BOBBY lies by order of his Superintendent ; his Superintendent by
order of whom ? For doubtless the Superintendent who gave BOBBY
the informer's office had the office given to himself by somebody
above him ; and the lie ascends. Let us say story, rather ; eupne
misms are and ever were commendable. To whom ascends the story
above the Superintendent, and to whom above the Superintendent s
superior ? Who is the primary story-teller ? It were not too
curious to inquire, but it were too painful. The Superintendent is
an abstraction ; but when we go above him we get into the region
of the concrete and the personal. He whom the story-teller s cap
fits, let him wear it. T»_VT t
If any Policeman lays an information against any Publican to
having illegally supplied him with liquor, and Mr. Punch is the
sitting Magistrate, Mr. Punch can only say that, for his part, he
will forthwith simply convict M*. BOBBY, under the new Lioeniin»
Act, of having been, by his own confession, served m a put
during prohibited hours. He will, accordingly, fine BOBBY forty
bob, ana, for the rest, dismiss the case.
BUTT ME NO BUTTS.
MB. BUTT, M.P., is also a Q.C.— in other words, one of Her Ma-
jesty's Counsel learned in the law. Speaking at Limerick of the
offences of which some of the Fenian Military prisoners, who bad
sworn to serve the QUEEN and to be true to her colours, wew con-
victed, he says :—
" It was never shown that these poor soldiers had erer committed any
offence against the tnut repowd in them as military men, but that in a Ux
moment they cemented to take an illegal oath."
If the learned Gentleman had any sense, he might have i urged in
mitigation of their sentence, that the probability ww, that when
these unhappy men violated their soldier-oath they were tight
at the time. ' ^ ^^^_____^=
The Mouser.
THE Time* Correspondent informs us that the
invented a most destructive gun called the Mou.er,"whu
superior to the Henry-Martini and all other deadly weapons, ile
adds, that there is much mystery about it. Perhaps it is intend^
for private use. If so, will the Prussians be fancf enough .try
"the Mouser" on our garotters, if they catoh them in Uennany
and thereby save us the trouble of applying the Cat
PEDESTRIAHISM EXTRAORDINARY.
A PcBLisimfo friend says, that the exercise he likes best is o run
upon a book,
VOL. LXITT.
158
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
FEEL, on going out for a
drive in the carriage of the
Grand Monarque with the
MILBUEDS and my Aunt,
that, as far as the ladies
are concerned, we might
pass for Serene Transpa-
rencies ; also, that as far
as I am concerned, I am
perfectly ready to take off
my hat with the suavity of
an Excellency, but MIL-
BUBD will come out in what
he calls a comfortable hat,
which is of limp material
and of no particular shape,
its merit being that it is
equally adapted either for
the head or the coat-tail
pocket. Added to this, MIL-
SUED, who, in keeping with
his peculiar views of com-
bining the medicinal eourse
with the Customs of the
Country, has taken to
smoking violently all day,
persists in lighting up a
shabby old wooden pipe,
which he puffs during our
Royal Progress through the town (much to my Aunt's repressed
disgust), only removing it to place to his lips a small flask, fre-
quent applications to which, he says, the treatment renders abso-
lutely necessary.
He carries with him a Conversation Book so as " to talk to the
Coachman in his own native tongue," a pocket compass (" Always
like to know where I'm going," he explains), a Guide Book with
maps, "which," as he informs us, "is the Duchess's department;
she 's told off to Geography, having been brought up at school where
she learnt the use of the Globes," and so many wraps, waterproofs,
sticks, and umbrellas that it looks as if he were travelling about
with a "job lot " in order to dispose of them at a sacrifice.
" Gracious ! " exclaims my Aunt, on seeing all these paraphernalia.
" I wonder he doesn't carry guns and swords, and have a boat to
follow him in "case he comes to a river. It 's quite an Expict Arke-
dition."
He now addresses himself to the Coachman. While in Germany
he thinks it necessary, in order to make himself intelligible, not to
learn the language of the country, but to intersperse his English
with finishing touches of German, which serve the intelligent
foreigners as landmarks to his meaning.
" Kutscher ! " says he, with a wink at me indicating, apparently,
that he considers this word a surprising triumph over the difficul-
ties of the language, " Wir wollen to go nach the first Swizzle-
haus,'' the Coachman, who has evidently been out with him before,
touches his hat, and MILBUBD continues, " Look here, I don't want
to be out more than Eine Stunde and eine halbe, then back to the
Grossen Monarchen — Grand Monarque. All right. Ja wohl. So."
Swizzle-haus, he explains to us, is his own particular German for
a place of Refreshment.
During our drive, which is through rather pretty scenery, we are
struck by the number and variety of the small flies and insects
which investigate us as strangers for a second or two at a time and
then fly off to give their less adventurous companions the results of
their observations.
1 Ugh ! " says my Aunt, shuddering, " Bonsers ! "
" No," says MILBUBD, who has neard our melancholy story,
" these are simple FKegen, they're not Wanzen."
My Aunt wants to be back in good time, as she has promised to
meet the MOMPISONS and the GLYMPHYNS, CAPTAIN FORTESCUE
having undertaken to escort the entire party to a festive place
called Bernards Local. "Here," the enthusiastic HEEB KOPFEN
has informed them, "it will be a beautiful sight ! 0 you must go,
my dear Madam. There is fireworks, and a gross balloon, and
music ! "
In fact the party has been evidently got together under the direc-
tion of HERB KOPFEN, who prides himself on his English proclivi-
ties, and the number of his acquaintances among our countrymen.
" Here 's a programme," says MILBUBD, reading it out to us.
" Grosses Gartenfest bei festlicher Decoirirung und brillanter Be-
leuchtung des Gartens. Grosses Garten Concert. That means a
Grocers' Garden Concert, very nice too ; then Aufsteigen eines gros.
senBallons— Hooray !— and Grosses brillantes Feuerwerk und ben-
galische Beleuchtung des Gartens. Quite a Cremorne ! Here 's
Eine Lerche ! "
Here's Sine
" What, ME. MILBUBB ? " asks my Aunt.
MILBUEB explains. " Lerche, German for Lark.
Lerche ! " Translation evident.
This view of it rather startles my Aunt, who doubts whether
Ladies can go.
" 0, of course ! Quite the correct card ! " exclaims MILBTTBB.
" We '11 all go, and say ' 0 ! ' to the Feuerwerk." Here he winks
knowingly at me. MILBUBD, I fancy, attaches a great amount of
importance to a wink. Winks serve him, I notice, instead of
witticisms.
Happy Thought. — Subject for essay, The Theory and Practice of
Winking.
HEBE KOPFEN, having promised to meet us punctually at half-
past seven, does not make his appearance.
"Just like him," observes CAPTAIN FOBTESCUE, always languid
and desponding. " It 's German all over. He said he 'd do every-
thing for us. I dare say he 's met some other people he likes better,
and has gone with them." Then to the Ladies, " It doesn't matter.
I know the way."
" I suppose," says MRS. MILBITBD, " this will be quite &fete ? "
" A tea-garden affair," says FOBTESCUE, sarcastically. " That 's
their idea of liveliness. Tea and squibs."
Over pavement like that of a London mews (the best streets in
Aachen are no better), with a gutter and an odour on either side,
we arrive at Bernards Local. We pay fifteen gro.-schen apiece, and
receive the comforting intelligence that the tickets would have been
ten sgr. each if we had taken them before six o'clock.
In the distance we hear a band.
Happy Thought (but a little disturbing], — Shall once again meet
BERTHA MOMPISON here. Wonder if she remembers. Wonder if
she really — "We met, 'twas in a crowd " (at Bernarf s Local),
" and I thought she would shun me " •
" Why ! " exclaims my Aunt, standing stock still, with her hand
out, like a pointer, " it is a Tea-Garden ! "
Nothing more nor less. Note this (for Typ. I)cv., under G., Ger-
many or Garden, and T. Tea). From a military point of view,
Germany is one vast Barrack. From a pleasure-seeker's point of
view, it is a Tea-Garden.
Happy Thought (as descriptive of Germany}. — A Barrack in a
Tea-Garden.
MILBUED, directly we are seated at one of the thousand little
wooden four-legged tables, calls out loudly, " Kellner, bringen sie
mir some Kalbscotelets for drie persons " — this he explains on his
fingers — " some Rheinwein — 0 — um — yes — and some Blumenkohls.
Quick as you can, as I 'm quite fertig." Presently he isn't satisfied
with the table, and calls out, "Kellner, let's have another Tische,
if there 's one free." Attention is being drawn to us. MBS. MIL-
BUEB says, " 0 don't be so silly," to him, but laughs.
My Aunt is looking about for the MOMPISONS, and so am I.
Happy Thought. — To tell MILBUBD not to go on like this, as
every one of these waiters is either a private soldier or an officer in
the Prussian service, perhaps the latter, and if so he '11 call him out.
CAPTAIN FOBTESCUE corroborates me unexpectedly. " The
Oberkellner," he says, "is decorated."
Happy Thought.— Make an excuse to get away. Say "I'll look
for another Tische" and go to do it.
Why is it that MILBURD, who would be well-behaved enough at
_iy place of amusement in England, seems here to consider himself
at liberty to act more like a bold buccaneer than a civilised English-
man? The garden is not a large one, and, indeed, with the ex-
ception of a few dull flowers and a couple of miserable-looking trees,
it has as much right to be called a garden as has Leicester Square in
its present condition. There is a stage at the end of the Garten,
and the whole place is overlooked by the backs of very second-rate-
looking houses.
By standing in a corner I can see all round Bernarf s Local, which
is now becoming crowded.
Seated at a table not far from me are MBS. MOMPISON and her
daughters, with our German acquaintance KOPFEN. I rather think
KOPFEN is a Baron, a Brewer, and of course more or less a Soldier.
He is sitting next the elder Miss MOMPISON. A Prussian officer is
sitting next BEBTHA. Intuitively I hate him. He is in uniform,
the everlasting uniform, without which I do believe they are not
allowed to sleep, except by special permission from the CBOWN
PEINCE. On my approach he brings his pince-nez to the front, and
inspects me superciliously in a military fashion, as if to see whether
I 'd come on parade without the proper number of buttons, or with
a shoe-string untied.
KOPFEN jumps up, he is delighted to see me, as an old and
dear friend, he welcomes me to the table, implores me to be
seated, all this with great impressement, as if this present company
were his party. His friend CAPTAIN HERMANN rises stiffiy _to be
introduced. He salutes me with his right hand to his cap, his left
by his sword, jerking his head out forwards and his coat-tails out
backwards, like a mechanical figure that doesn't work easily. This
being done I am allowed to salute MBS. MOMPISON and her daughters.
OCTOBER 19, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
159
Vhe next difficulty will be to get near BEKTUA, with
whom CAPTAIN HKKM VNX is conversing in so low a tone
s to suggest flirting on both sides. Flirting ! Bah !
With a German ofiicer too ! I wonder Mus. MOMPISON
allows it.
BEBTHA gives me one glance.
lently she has not forgotten .
Officer ?
It penetrates me. Evi-
. but why this German
THE NEXT GENERATION.
THE next generation will possess an army properly
clothed.
The next generation will all be able to read and write.
The next generation will wear light clothes in summer.
The next generation will remove some of the public
•tatues and edifices which their predecessors have erected.
The next generation will find life supportable without
so many Vestries.
The next generation will not make calls.
The next generation will ride to and fro in decent cabs.
The next generation will have other sorts of fish in
daily consumption besides red herrings.
The next generation will speak French and German
and, possibly, know something of their own language
and literature.
The next generation will not wear high black hats in
;he month of July.
The next generation will see the officers of the army
walking about the streets in uniform.
The next generation will have other public places ol
amusement open to them on Sundays, besides public-
bouses.
The next generation will be better cooks.
The next generation will have no theatres with fees,
The next generation will leave the table with the
ladies.
The next generation will not avoid Hotels.
The next generation will find they can get on pretty
comfortably without the Lord Privy Seal, the Chancellor
of the Duoby of Lancaster, the Judge Advocate Gene-
ral, &c.
The next generation will not be ashamed of Leicester
Square.
The next generation will be able to cross the Channel
with less bodily discomfort.
The next generation will journey by railway more
safely and more punctually.
The next generation will still have the National Debt,
duns, dentists, domestics, humbugs, quacks, impostors,
absurd fashions, adulteration, swindlers, and the Income-
tax.
A NONCONFORMING LOGICIAN.
AT Birmingham, addressing the "Disestablishment
Conference," MB. MIALL is reported to have thus spoken
of the religious " efflorescence " likely to result from the
abolition of the Church Establishment :—
" I don't believe that will be worse than a state of apathy and
indifference. (Applause.) Philosophers may believe that, but
I am not a philosopher. (Hear, tear.) I only profess to be a
Christian, and so far as I can understand, and so far as I am able
to judge this question, it has been thus : that if Christianity is
not to be killed by the Establishment, Chrutianity must kill
the Establishment."
ME. MIALL is not too modest in saying that he is not a
philosopher. But no philosopher, except such an one as
VOLTAIKE, would imagine the possibility of Christianity
being killed by anything. MB. MIALL appears to be a
rather unphilosophical believer.
Among the Cutlers.
CASTBO, the Claimant, has been trying it on at Shef-
field, and, according to the Sheffield Independent, witl
very indifferent success. The Hall in which he exhibited
himself was nearly filled as full as it could be with
empty benches. MK. CASTRO has found the Sheffield
blades much too sharp for him ; they most of them cut
CASTBO.
GBATIFYING.— The Man who Ran up a Bill has come
down again.
THE POLICE AT RICHMOND PARK.
(Special.)
OCR Pedestrian Con-
tributor on Sunday
last week was stop-
ped by a Policeman
posted at the Sheen
Gate of Richmond
Park. The Police-
man informed your
Pedestrian Contri-
butor, whoa* dog.
i 'mi,, accompanied
him, that, by order,
dogs were not to
. unless
led. This excel-
lent regulation has
always existed, and
never been enforced
within your Pedes-
trian Contributor's
memory, and pro-
bably not within
Bat, ha, ha ! there are Policemen to enforce it
that of the oldest inhabitant,
now, placed on purpose.
Crab is a little dog, to be sure ; no bigger than Toby. But, as the saying
is, "little dogs have long tails." Besides, if little dogs were admitted into
Richmond Park loose, great dogs would also have to be. It would be impotable
to draw the line between little dogs and big. Some of the big dogs might some-
times attempt to run after the deer; and though most of them would be in-
stantly called off, and would come, no doubt, a few might persist for perhaps
two or even three minutes in chasing a few deer a few yards, and would thus
seriously injure the deer, though indeed without biting them or frightening
them quite to death.
The little dogs at the present season would, it is true, do no such great mu
chief to any of the game in Richmond Park as the large dogs might to the
deer. Even in the breeding-months, when their masters were sometimes in-
vited by the Park Keepers to lead them, they never, to be sure, did worse
occasionally snap up a diminutive stray rabbit. But, neverj es*,.bir, y
know they would scratch the turf in places, and so deface it, although invii >ly,
and at spots extremely far apart. They might even do microscopical damag
to the thistles and ferns ; and though all the buttercups are now gone, they
would possibly, here and there, ruffle a daisy.
You? Pedestrian Contributor, at the Policema^s biddmg, summoned Crab
to be secured. He takes a cord and a collar out with Crab generally, i wfc
being acquainted with his tether before, knew what was intended for him, and,
beini an animal as disobedient as sagacious, immediately ran ahead into the
Park The Policeman did not attempt to pursue Crab, and was graciously
pleased not to arrest me, or prevent me from following him. ^^_.i
Bow happy Sir are we in living under a Government so extremely paternal
that it now stations Policemen on the look-out for a purpose ^ ""P"**!*? !
little, but positively of such immense, importance to the Pi >lic. as int .t
preventing dogs from frisking about for a few yards in Richmond Park
mischief which has been done there by thow animal, is probably almos equa
to that which poodles and bull-dogs, suffered to accompany their masters, d
£ the open anS public parts of the New Forest. There are no deer at . now
in the Forest ; but there are very many more flowers growing there than all thai
are to be found anywhere, at any time of the year, in Richmond Park, whi
fauuffintyppreca the ble«ing of that freedom which we
have cometo enjoy in having a Policeman awaiting us at eaoh step, to dtawi 0*
check ouV proceedings and regulate our conduct, and •""W&'***
awake to the delightful prospect of very soon bemg placed under P
Vision as much as ticket-of-leave-men, kept in order equally with the dangerous
classes, and controlled by the Constabulary in every act of our lives.
PHYSIC GRATIS.
Dispensaries, our Hospitals, our Infirmaries, are all excellent , i
merchants 1
160
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 187:1
9ft
Young Lady. " AND so ADAM WAS VERY HAITI I
Scholar. "PLEASE, Miss, HE GOT A Wifsf"
A WARNING TO ENAMOURED CURATES.
Now, CAN YOU TELL MB WHAT GREAT SORROW FELL ON HIM ! '
A BAIL WAY COMPANY'S QUESTION.
(Chairman sings.)
AGAIN there 's one collision more !
Lots killed and maimed ; 1 say,
My Colleagues, what an awful bore !
There will be much to pay.
The damages for limbs and lives
Will heavy prove, dear friends,
And, howsoever business thrives,
Reduce our dividends.
An Actuary should compute
What loss, from year to year,
We from those accidents, the fruit
Of overwork, may fear.
Whether 'twere cheaper in the end,
Those frequent fines to bear,
Or cash enough in wages spend
To make collisions rare ?
We want more skilled hands ; there 's
no doubt ;
Each pointsman no mere clown :
How little could we give without
Our having them break down ?
Prodigious !
OUE friends the Priests at Lourdes are accused of not showing
themselves equal to the situation. They have wrought only a couple
of twopenny miracles, each in the case of an old woman. We think
the Priests are unfairly treated. They have drawn forty thousand
" superstitious " to a place where nothing supernatural happened.
Is not that a miracle, wrought in the country of VOLTAIEE ?
NO END OF STRIKES.
A STRIKE, my Masters, and my Men, is a game at which not only
two can play, but likewise three. Besides the Workman and the
Employer, who strikes by locking-eut, there is the Consumer,
whose strike consists in going without. He goes without that which
he can least inconveniently do without ; thus a man redresses the
balance of his butcher's bill by striking, if a bachelor, against his
tailor ; if a husband, against his linendraper as much as possible,
against his jeweller altogether. Accordingly, Trades- Unionists of
all sorts, please to observe, that one trade eventually suffers for the
strike of another ; and that, in so far as you are consumers, when
you strike as producers you may strike against yourselves, and
oblige yourselves to strike again by-and-by against some one par-
ticular, class of producers or other. Then these or those, in their
turn, strike against you, and thus of striking there is no end.
An Infallible Guide.
APPEAL to history from the POPE is treason,
Tells you an Ultramontane, categorical ;
Before Authority lay prostrate Reason :
Be both irrational and unhistorical.
A Good Crew.
A CORRESPONDENT has reminded the Times "that with the ac-
ceptance of the Seals by SIR ROFNDELL PALMER, there will be eight
Oxford First Classmen in the Cabinet— MR. GLADSTONE, MR. LOWE,
MR. CARDWELL, the EARL OF KIMBERLET, VISCOUNT HALIFAX,
MR. CHICHESTER FORTESCIJE, MR. GOSCHEN, and SIR ROUNDELL
PALMER." A short and familiar name at once suggests itself for this
large proportion of the Cabinet — " The Oxford Eight."
Two PRESIDENTS.— GRANT, R.A., and GRANT, U.S.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER 19, 1872.
MUDDLEBY JUNCTION.
YEBWOBK POOTMA* (puzzled}. "LET'S SEE!-THERE'S THE • SCURSION ' WERE DUE AT 4"4o, AND I
AIN'T IN- THEN, AFORE THAT, WERE THE ' MINERAL,'-NO ! THAT MUST HA' BEEN THE
THE 'CATTLE' NO! THAT WERE AFTER,- CATTLE 'S SHUNTING NOW. LET'S SEE ! -FAST TRALN
THROUGH AT— CON-FOUND !-AND HERE COMES « THE EXPRESS ' AFORE ITS TIME, AND BLEST
KNOW WHICH LINE SHE 'S ON ! ! "
OCTOBER 19, 1872.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHAKIVARI.
1C3
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
(lie takes an'JEvening from Hume, and addresses the Editor after
rititiny t/ui Lyceum.)
ow, the other even-
ing I represented
Yon, Sir, at the Ly-
ceum in order to see
Charles the first,
in which play Mu.
IRVING, as the Re-
presentative Man of
words are supposed," and those floor you. If the whole thine u
hypothesis what matters the accuracy of scenery and cortum ' If
the author doesn't care twopence about historical truth, why sh«.uld
t.m» mtintttfnr tVio BAAMA ...;.. . i
tne manager, the scene-painter, the property-
mier£ Admit the principle, and let every ac
man, or the oostu-
, actor drew for effect-
and, to begin with, fet CharUs the Pint come on u the Grand Turk
whose drew, I have been always led to believe, is truly magnificent
The scenic painters must have had a jovial time of it whentfinrlearnt
the principle of " History be blowedf" on which the drama bfoun£
and have, though still sticking a trifle too closely to traditional
truth, made a gallant effort tolreak their fetters in the lait Act
It was a cold and dismal day in January when Charles went from
-r-HTiY-rsr -I ih Jame*8 *° Whitehall to be beheaded : but if ever open windows
that ill-fated Mon- , showed a bright, cheerful, and verdant Park in full summer they
arch, has made al- were those windows of "Whitehall at Daybreak" whi
most as great a hit , Representative saw, the other evening, at the Lyceum Theatre This
was a triumph'of Imagination over Conscientiousness. and mm
as he had previously
done in The lielli.
have been deeply gratifying to the author of the drama.'
I was pained, on mv own account, tlmncrh v,.,i
With bettermaterial
he could and would , _ .
have done far more, ! comedian— an excellent actor,
these two Acts the
actor was left to
make the best bricks
possible out of the
scantiest wisps of
straw. He has triumphed over difficulties, and MR. BATEMAW can
honestly announce another success.
I was pleased to see Miss ISABEL BATEMAJT as Henrietta Maria.
She seems, like MK. IRVING, to be fitted by nature for the part. " The
Queen is" (says one who knew her well) "very little of stature
of a pleasing countenance, if she be pleased, but full of spirit
and vigour, and of a more than ordinary resolution. With one
frown " — when she wasn't pleased—" she drove us all out of the
chamber." When Henrietta parted with Charles for ever at the
Lyceum (it might just as well have been the Lyceum as White-
hall, _ where she wasn't, nor anywhere near, on that melancholy
occasion), and embraced her children, there were very few dry eyes
throughout the theatre. As Your Representative (you have a hard
heart, I believe), I looked around and smiled on the sobbing folks
about me. It cost me an effort to represent you, Sir, on this
occasion, and it made me very thirsty. I think I should have
broken down utterly, and given you up as a bad job when Charles
uttered one of his last farewell speeches (he has, I think, three
of them, which struck me as a mistake, dramatically, though,
really, if I were condemned to execution, I should perhaps be
inclined to spin out my time by talking until they took me off by
1 was pained, on my own account, though you. Sir, perhaps
might have enjoyed it, to see Oliver OomtwW represented bva low
comedian— an excellent actor, I do not deny, and capable, too of
out it is greatly to j parts as strong as Rousoff used to play ; but still, profesrionally and
his credit that he.haa ordinarily, a Low Comedian. This Olirer who, before the bloody
done so much. His massacre at Drogheda, spent a whole day in secret prayer who
make-up was ad- after this, refused quarter to all in arms, who left two thousand
mirable, his playing corpses strewn upon the ground— this Olirer, Sir, was a stern, un-
of the first and last mnehing fanatic, with a marvellous amount of method in his
madness, but he was never on the stage of life a paltry sneak and a
low comedian. I was greatly consoled, however, by finding that,
Act well-nigh fault-
less ; but between
— ' • ™ — " • i*5 ft1*'***"/ v-vum/HTU, UUWCVCr, UJ UUUIHK Ulai
after the execution of Charles, which. I sumo**, took place on the
fall of the curtain (unless the author is keeping him alive for some
other "Original Historical Drama"), his remorseless but comic
oppressor, Oliver Cromwell, had not ascended the throne, but having
been tempted from his puritanical simplicity by bright colours, had
invested in a startlingly brilliant wig and such neat thingi in
trouser patterns that not the loudest gent, who hadn't gone mad on
the subject, would have dared to wear even on a bright Saturday
afternoon in Houndsditoh. It also appeared that, hi* natural drollery
getting the better of him, he had assumed the name of Taraxacum
Twitters, perhaps to escape detection ; and in this character, having
disposed advantageously, probably, of the Great Brewery at Hunting-
don, he had descended tolceeping a Chemist and Druggist's shop, of
a very second-rate description. Here, having become painfully
nervous, so much so that he generally received strangers by jumping
about with his hands under his coat-tails, the formerly stern Puritan
allowed himself to be insulted by a grinning apothecary's assistant,
and to be bullied by a buxom maid-ot-all-work who banged the table
with her clenched fists so violently as to make the recent represen-
tative of the
i 'on 1 1
The way in which one Farmer Wheatear,
been a Cavalier nobleman
the way in which this old
was brutal in the extreme. He thumped him in front when he said
How d 'ye do, he thumped him in the back to put him straight
Lord Protector of England jump up, and cry,
armer Wheatear, who, having previously
n, probably owed him a grudge, — I say
agriculturist treated the fallen Otietr
force) — I say I should have burst into a fit of hysterica passio on the | again, the first blow having doubled the unfortunate Protector up ;
second of these touching occasions, had it not been for a bald-headed , he thumped him whenever he wanted him to see some point in his
man, not three seats from me. who, after wrestling, in contortions, ! conversation, Oliver having become painfully obtuse considering
with his nose and lips for a few seconds, suddenly gave the most [ what he used to be in his best days ; and finally, when one Tom
terrific sneeze I ever heard. The effect on the house was electric. | Trap, who had been his old friend IRETON in the previous piece
l«c-ct.-J, IT. t.-mlr.l to
moisten my parched throat with the smallest and freshert Natives,
him), the sooner he went out and got executed the better.
I have no hesitation in saying that the Last Act, seen without the and their congenial liquor, stout, at MR. ROLE'S in Maiden Lane,
sneeze (as I did on the following night), is as affecting a spectacle as where, Sir, with much enjoyment, I represented you, treating a
friend, too, up to four-and-sixpenoe.
What, however, bothered me and oast a damp over me as Your
Representative was this,—/ did not know whether you tilted your
ousters opened in the deep or flat shell. You must tell me these
things before I go out. Also, do you take pepper and vinegar, or
Cayenne and lemon, and if either, at what point of the entertain-
ment P After the first dozen, later or earlier ? If yon are passing
RULE'S just look in and give your directions on this subject As
I am going a round of the Amusements, I shall be there again
very soon, and whatever you say shall be strictly attended to by
YOUR Rxpummxivi
•MMMV \u,a j. UAU. vu iiiit; J.U.LIU TV IIA£ uigiit/} la t*o u.iic(_, uiti^ t* ojurv/Ltn^ie oo
anything I 've ever seen on the Stage. But there 's just five minutes
too much of it. I am aware that " KINO CHARLES walked and
talked half an hour after his head was cut off," but this King
couldn't have done it, as he was evidently exhausting himself pre-
vious to the execution.
Charles the First is called by its author an " Original Historical
Play "—the Original largely qualifying the Historical. The author
could (and will, too) give the public such an Historical Drama as
hasn't been seen for some considerable time. As, evidently, not
much research among; the authorities will be 'required, I should be
able to bring it out in a few days from this time. On referring
once more to the playbill, I find that the " scenery " has " been
prepared with the intention of giving reality to a reproduction of
;he actual period during which the incidents are supposed to have
;aken place."
Now this is very craftily worded.
You're all right up to the
Another Extinguisher Wanted.
THIS is too much. Here 's Vesuvius wanting to break oat again.
The seismographs supply most unpleasant information. We do not
want to be rude, but if the peace of the Continent is again menaced
by an inflammatory action, appeal will lie to M. Vos BISMARCK.
164
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 19, 1872.
: i: ' ' ' -- - '-i x hi i , ,i
: • '
ON THE GRAND TOUR.
SCENE — Staircase of the Palazzo Bianco. — (Enter the JONESES of London.)
Chorus of Maidens. " 0, MA, DEAR! 0, PAPA! no LOOK! ISN'T THIS CHARMING? ISN'T IT DELIGHTFUL ? ONLY FANCY— THE
BRAQQINTON SUITES WERE HEKK LAST MONTH I "
A SLIGHT TO A SAINT.
MR. WHALLEY, perhaps, does not read the Post. Very likely
MR. NEWDEGATE does. The Member f9r Peterborough may there-
fore have missed, but the Representative of North Warwickshire
have had, the pleasure of perusing the subjoined announcement : —
" LADY SINOERS IN ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCHES. — The ' edict ' which
ARCHBISHOP MANNING published some twelve months since with reference
to his wish that the employment of females as singera in the church choirs of
the Metropolis should cease, has at length been put rigorously into force.
Although boys and men with well-cultivated voices have been substituted at
the various services, still at the principal churches, such as the Church of the
Jesuits, Farm Street, Berkeley Square, St. Patrick's, Soho, and other places,
the loss of the ladies' voices is very much regretted."
The enforcement of DR. MANNING'S edict against soprano and
contralto voices will be a fine thing for Exeter Hall. DE. MAN-
SING'S Propaganda will find itself opposed in Exeter Hall by a force
much more formidable than that of the Platform. Exeter Hall, to
recall stray sheep from the tinkle of the Mass bell, has now only to
reproduce MOZART'S Masses, and HAYDN'S, and the two of BEE-
THOVEN (especially his Mass in D) sufficiently often, and effectively
sung as they will not be in the Roman Catholic Chapels. Protes-
tants will no longer go to those places to hear music much better
given elsewhere by the Sacred Harmonic Society. Then, perhaps,
the TITULAB OP WESTMINSTER will discover that he made a great
mistake in discarding his Sirens. Controvertists may tax ARCH-
BJSBOP MANNING with hagiolatry ; but there is one Saint to whom,
considering her sex, and her specialty, he appears to pay very scant
honour, namely Saint Cecilia. It may well be that he will have
had cause given him to fast on her next feast day, and do penance.
May he relish the red herring, or skilligolee, or whatsoever other
description of low diet he may feel bound to stint himself to on the
twenty-second proximo.
To OUK BETTERS. — The Best Course is to avoid all Race-meetings.
PARLIAMENT OUT OF SESSION.
"PARLLIMENT out of Session." Such is the pleasant title which
almost daily the eye encounters at the top of a lonjf column, or two
columns, or more, of print, which, running down, it nearly always
discovers to consist of the dreariest possible verbiage on the driest of
all droughty subjects, about which the less that is said, if as much
as needs to be said, the better. Parliament out of Session. Sweet
announcement that, however. Parliament out of Session can only
talk. Parliament put of Session is merely stumping constituents, or
the country. Parliament out of Session is not as yet employing it-
self in paternal legislation. Parliament out of Session is at present
not voting Sabbatarian Prohibitory Sunday Excursion Bills. Par-
liament out of Session is not voting away the liberties of Englishmen.
Romanesque Dissenters.
ARCHDEACON DENISON has threatened the Established Church
that unless certain parts of its Liturgy are let alone, he will ask to
be admitted into the Liberation Society. If the Establishment
declines a whit, even in semblance, from orthodoxy, ARCHDEACON
DENISON will make common cause with Nonconformists. If he
does, Orthodoxy will have acquainted a man with strange yoke-
fellows. The word will go forth in Little Bethel, and Ebenezer,
" Is DENISON also among the Dissenters ? " Perhaps, when some of
the tenets advocated by the Venerable Archdeacon, DR. PUSEY, and
others of their persuasion, are compared with some of the Thirty-
nine Articles, there will appear more than sufficient reason for the
answer : — " Yes, he is."
BREECH-LOADING CONUNDRUM.
WHEN is a Taih>r > successful Sportsman ?— When he cuts out
and makes '
OCTOBER 19, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
165
A BLOW AND A KISS.
BANE AND ANTIDOTE.
MB. CoMmssioiTER KKBU, who frequently uses from the bench an apostolic
"great plainness of speech," which might well be imitated by other Judges,
had to sentence a banker's clerk, convicted of forgery. The unfortunate man
pleaded that he had been led into bad speculations by trusting to " high names
on prospectuses." In giving judgment, Ma. KERB said : —
" A« an officer of a bank, the prisoner ought to have known perfectly well (hat high-
soundintf namet were not to be fruited, and that in thi monetary world thote nametwere
used merely to induce people to enter into speculations, and eventually to ruin them."
So much for the morals of the monetary world, and Punch thanks the moni-
tory Judge. But now a word to honest people, not, therefore, citizens of the
monetary world. High class journalists are, justly, either indignant with or
contemptuous touching the papers that publish quack advertisements. Not to
go lower, the Press which promulgates the lies of folks who announce that their
medicines are remedies for every evil, from consumption to corns, is deservedly
despised. But what is to be said about publishing the sort of prospectuses
Shaksperian clown. So be it, in a commercial country. But suppose that at
the head of each column in which such prospectuses appeared, the high-class
Press were to print, in bold type, the above utterance by MB. COXMISSIORXB
KERB. That would be a standing; protest against swindle, and with that notice
staring folks in the face, why, qui rult decipi, decipiatur. Happy is Mr. Punch
to act as usher to MB. KERB, and to shout out his words, for though Wisdom
crying out in the street is not regarded, she may be heeded when she speaks
from the judgment-seat.
Results of Tight-Lacing.
THE truly Intoxicating Liquors Act is very stringent in shortening hours,
during which it therefore impels persons of intemperate habits to drink while
they can. Thus this pedagogue's enactment is not only tight in itself, but
also the cause of tightness on the part of topers. Suppose we call it the Liquors
Intoxicating Act.
SOUVENIRS AND THEIR SEQUI.L.
(An Ejcpoitulatimi.}
MONSIEUR, of BISMARCK yon complain
For making Alsace and Lorraine
Aa German u perforce he can.
How should he help himself, poor man ?
Think, good Monsieur, how often France
Has had the supreme complaisance
To do the honour, on occasion,
Tu Fatherland, of an invasion.
That honour is, indeed, extreme.
But those droll Germans dp not MOB
To see it in that point of view
Wherein it shows iUelf to you.
The blessings, by your troop* diffused,
From owning they would be excused.^
And choose to give themselves the pain
Of making kind intentions vain.
Two cries two Cities railed, you know,
One each, two yean and more ago.
" To Paris ! " answered " To Berlin ! "
Which City shouting did begin f
Who, suffer us that we inquire,
Did after " Glory " so aspire
That neighbours all, in constant fear
Of war, were kept for many a year f
Who, vain a little, with some pride
Elate, " When I am satisfied
Europe was tranquil," used to say ?
Of arrogance a slight display.
Who always bragged herself to be a
Nation that fights for an Idea ;
Ideas most often annexations
Of provinces of other nation* ?
No wonder 'tis, if that was France,
Now lying prostrate by the chance
Of her own war, that now the foe
Who hai her down should keep her so
In self-defence ; repaired in might
Lest, rising, she resume the fight
Monsieur, your neighbours don't admire
Renewed attacks with sword and fire.
So BISXARCK, with a grief profound
No doubt, pint crippled France to ground,
And must, completely, to Almain
Ranlaim all Alsace and Lorraine.
Meanwhile, Monsieur, the le« that's odd
About revenge, the foot will tread
So much the lighter on the poll
Which now lies underneath it* sole.
ANOTHER OUTBREAK.
TEE Hampshire Independent gives a description of
one of those astounding services, of a Popish character
in a Protestant church, which have, unfortunately, almost
ceased to be regarded as startling novelties. Still it is to
be hoped that the Bishop of the Diocese in which the
service in question was held, will have something to say
about this fresh contempt of law and honesty by another
beneficed clergyman of the Church of England. We
make no further reference to what was witnessed at St.
Michael's, Southampton, on the 29th nit except to note
that as the name of the Incumbent is GRWJORT, and
he appears to have taken a principal part in the proceed-
ings, the remark in the newspaper that " the service was
chiefly Gregorian " seems superfluous. It certainly was
not Church of England.
ATHLETIC SPORT Hf IRELAHD.
A DomcEY-RACE was run the other day on the Curragh,
at Ballybanagher. The competitors were pnest-ndden
Irishmen. The cry was " Divil take the foremoet !
166
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 10, 1872.
MIND AND MATTER.
Augustus (poetical). " LOOK, EDITH ! How LOVELY AKE THOSE FLEBCT CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE
Edith (prosaic). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHBN IT'S GETTING COLD. ISN'T IT?" II
A COMPANION TO THE BULL'S-EYE.
AN inquest was held on Wednesday last week on the body of an
old man named COONEY found dead in a police-cell. COONEY had
been locked up on the previous Monday night by a police officer on
a charge of drunkenness— because he had found him lying insensible
in the street. The insensibility of the deceased, whose drunkenness
had been taken for granted, was found, on examination post mortem,
to have been caused by a fracture of the skull, which had been
broken in two places, evidently by assault. It is bad enough to be
drunk and incapable, but incapability combined with sobriety is too
bad; at least when a sober but incapable person is entrusted with
duties which seriously affect other people, duties like those of a
Policeman. A Policeman who cannot distinguish between the
insensibility of drunkenness and that produced by a fracture of the
skull broken in two places, must, if not himself very far from
sober, be very incapable indeed. Can no ingenious medical mechan-
ician devise a what-shall-we-say — methysometer — an instrument
whereby to measure drunkenness, for the use of sober but incapable
Policemen ?
Military Intelligence.
THE War Office is advertising for tenders for the supply of
"American Drill." Are we going to make our Army, in its training,
a copy of that in the United States ? If so, Honorary Colonels and
others, who are averse to change, will be glad to hear that " the
Secretary of State for War does not bind himself to accept the low-
est or any tender." (N.B. The Italics do not appear in the Adver-
tisement.)
tTMTHOVOKED ASSAULT.
THE conduct of the Navy does not appear to be altogether unex-
ceptionable. A report has reached us within the last twenty-four
hours, of an officer high in the service— in fact, an Admiral— so far
forgetting himself as actually to strike his flag .'
DRAWING THE LINE.
"Ladies'' United Service Club, for Widows, Wives, and Daughters of
Officers of the Army and Navy. Age of admission not to exceed 39."
Wnr this cruel restriction to " thirty-nine " ? Why exclude forty
— dear " fat, fair, and forty " ? Mr. Punch, who has thousands of
admirers of the only sex worth thinking about, who, he fears, will
never see thirty-nine again, pauses for a reply, and will only wait
a certain time for an answer. At its expiration, he intends to
"apply personally" " for particulars " at the address indicated in
the advertisement, and if the explanation as to- this preference for
the figure " 39 " (can it have any reference to the Articles ?) is not
satisfactory, he will at once " promote " a rival Club with no limita-
tion of age — Mr. Punch gives no such assurance as to capital —
where forty will be as welcome as thirty, and fifty as forty, where
youth, and age, and " a certain age " will all be equally admissible
for Ballot ; where, in a word, no one connected with the manage-
ment will ever be so indiscreet as to ask any questions at all on such
a delicate point as a lady's age. Mr. Punch would like to know
how many of the candidates for admission to the "Ladies' United
Service [? Matrimony] Club " will be found, on their own con-
fession, to be thirty-nine !
Teach the Teachers.
LOHD HOTJGHTON is a good friend to Ecclesia, in spite of a certain
clever saying about "that department of the Civil Service called
the Church of England." At the Congress at Leeds, where every-
body was suggesting everything for the benefit of the Establishment,
LORD HOWJHTON gently proposed "The general Education .of the
Clergy." Rem acu.
AST EMEBALD.
SAYS DENNIS :— " I carry me purse in me hat ;
And I 'd like to see who '11 pick a pocket like that."
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of fit. James. Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Brans, * Co., Lonrbud
Street, in the Precinct of WbJtefriaio, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. &fi, Fleet Street, in the P-u-ish of St. Bride, City of London.— bATcaciT, October 19, 18T2.
OCTOBER 26, 1872.]
THOUGHTS.
PUNCH, on TIII-: LONDON MI.MUVARI.
167
Lr, the Brilliant fireworks,
which the programme had
so magnificently promised
us, turn out to consist of
a few coloured fires, three
or four rockets, sometaint
else in the Catherine-wheel
line by way of a finish, and,
I think, two e.xtra gas-jets
in the gardens.
The balloon
of which
such anticipations had been
formed — MILIIDHD, indeed,
frightening his wife by in-
forming her that he was
intending to try what a
terrific ascent was like, —
the balloon I myself dis-
cover, hanging like a crino-
line outside a shop, on a
hook in a side wall. It is
simply a toy fire-balloon of
for the Prussian Officer, with BERTHA, his manner ha* been from
the commencement, simply intolerable. Upon my word, I 'd much
rather that they M all cry out at once, " l.<..,k li. T. •'. \\
like your dress ! " than snub me in this way without telling me the
reason. To come out in a light suit is not a crime, but-c.
M i Mifiii) !— it 's treated as though it were. I would n •
to quit the field now, is to yield the ground to the Prussian officer.
No ; I went .-tir.
Suddenly KOFFEX remembers an engagement : so does his friend.
Iney make some arrangements for meeting again to-morrow, and
rise to bow extravagantly, salute jerkily, « > ilk off
with the air of conquerors, irresistible among the fair M i. We are
in the land of duels, and I feel that it I . . i.-l only be- certain of
running the Prussian ollir.r through t!
uniform, or of putting a bullet into the same place, I v,
him to meet me over the border in Holland, and leave
- daisy. The air of Germany makes me bloo.l
like this in England. No. K.vMt ntly it '» wt ing K., many
ing on a
don't feel
swords and uniforms all over the place, not to _ ,..,—
of the Polytechnic here, in out of whom swagger abon'
hideously scarred faces, the consequences of constantly i
hand-to-hand encounters with swords.
J fuppy Thought.— Cross over to BKBTHA. Preserve a cold de-
iii- :iTionr.
She asks me why I didn't eome and speak to her before, as she
was so bored by having to talk German to CAITAIS HK.HVAN*.
He's a very handsome man," observes Miss A'.vnn. BKHTHA
don't like these Prussian officers.
tissue paper, with the usual
tow on a bit of wire under-
neath to be steeped in spirits of wine and ignited, that's all.
At the, Bfompisons' table. — KorKEN'is talking to AOATHA
TAIW HERMANN to BERTHA. I am, I feel, as the fifth person at a
rubber,
Ifnppv Thought. — Ready to cnt in.
The difficulty is to know when to cut in. I don't like to join the
conversation without being invited. I should have thought that I ?e«l tnat I've played my cards in the worst possible style. The
BERTHA wonld have put aside the Prussian officer and have ex- Ladies are quite astonished at my dislike, as they have found them
claimed, " 0, 1 'm so glad you've come," and have motioned me to a (t*le officers) so very agreeable, and really far more intelligent and
chair by her side. But she doesn't. I don't exactly see my way. | amusing than any English officers.
The last time I sat by BEBTHA I was full of conversation, in much
the same tone as that which this Captain Thingummy is employing.
Sometimes I notice them both glancing furtively at me, and smiling.
What at ? It Hashes across me that they are laughing at my
costume. Hang it, why ? Let me consider. As I can't join in
their conversation, I may as well occupy my time in considering.
Happy Thought. — I see a way to escape the effects of my hasty
expression. I sacrifice the English officers, and say, " 0, English !
I wasn't thinking of them."
" Well," says Miss BERTHA, "I like them very much, too. A
garrison town is very good fun."
This conversation is out of my line. It depreciates me as a
Civilian. There 's a smack of frivolity about her manner now that
I don't like. It is not what I had expected. AOATHA joins the
conversation which is being carried on by MRS. Mounsox and my
Aunt, and is all about UOWENA, on the one part, and neuralgia and
galvanism on the other.
Happy Thought. — Opportunity. Seize it. Say, in low tone
(same tone as Prussian Captain— hang him!), "Do you remember
the last time we met at BOODKLS' P "
"I thought you had forgotten all about that," Miss BERTHA
returns, not in a very low tone, but looking up and laug
Laughing ! It is at this supreme moment that 1 1 "
bright day in early summer) for the sea-side. And so it was, that rise from my seat and be six feet high, with a long cloak, a pale
is, for any sea-side where there was nobody except myself and my face, black moustache, and long black hair. I should like to thrill
Aunt ; and, now I come to think of it (and I can't help coming to her through and through with my piercing glance. I should like to
think of it in these Gardens, on account of its startling contrast to the say, ' ' Miss (or BERTHA) you have trifled with a heart ! " and then
Happy Thmiffht.— Think it out.
Thinking it out.— It has been a warm day, but begins now, in the
evening, to be a trifle chilly. I feel this when it is too late. My
present suit is, it suddenly occurs to me, rather out of character
with even an alfresco evening gathering like the present. It is a
remarkably light attire, of one pattern up and down, and all round,
which seemed to be the very thing, when the stuff first caught my
eye at the tailor's, and I was struck by the
Happy Thought. — Order an entire suit of it.
It seemed to me also the Very Thing (this sort of pattern generally
does seem " the very thing " if you stroll into your tailor's on a
surrounding dark-coloured frock-coats), I 've only worn it in soli-
tude— never in company.
It was MiLBtTRB, after I 'd been finding fault with his shabby hat,
who said, " My dear fellow, the best of this place is, that you can
wear anything." It was MILBTOD to whom I showed this suit, and
who expressed.unbounded admiration of it, advising me to put it on
by all means, as it was the Very Thinj? (he too thought it was
" the very thing.") for Aix. Up to a certain point I feel it is the very
thing ; that is, if I could only show myself like a flash of lightning
in the street, for a second or two, and then disappear. I feel that
five minutes of me, in this dress, is too much for anyone. I want (if
it were possible) to be seen like a vision, like, in fact, something
lightly immaterial, and not as a light material, and then pass away,
not to be forgotten, but to dwell in the memory of mankind —
always, I mean, as associated with this costume.
Happy Thought.— Like some bright dream.
When my Aunt saw me in it this afternoon she didn't make any
remark, but then she 'd seen it before at the sea-side. If she con-
sidered it ridiculous, why didn't she say so ? MiLBtrRD had said he
liked it, and in fact was going to order a lot of suits like it on his
return to England. I agreed with him, my good taste being flat-
tered by his approval ; but it now occurs to me that— and if so, it 's
MiLnirBn all over— he meant it for a joke, in return for what I 'd
said about his hat.
I don't know whether " thinking it out " has made me nervously
sensitive, but everyone seems to shun me. MRS. MOMPISON, even
old MBS. MOMPISON, when I came up to her at first, turned away from
me, to talk to my Aunt, as soon as she could ; KOPFEN, who expressed
himself so delighted to see me, hasn't spoken to me again, and as
somehow vanish, for to walk away, or even stride away, after this,
wonld be commonplace. Then I should like her to lead a life of
regret.
All this, however, I keep to myself, and simply return, with
meaning, and in a tone just a trine lower (beating the Prussian
officer by three bass notes), " No, 7 have not forgotten."
She does not reply to this, and somehow, though I feel that I am
meaning a great deal, I can't find anything fresh to talk about, and
this subject really does seem exhausted. There is a slight pause.
I then ask, " Are yon staying long here t "
Happy Thought. — To relieve this of being a commonplace by
throwing expression into it.
She doesn't know. Hopes it will be some time, as she enjoys it.
I do not, and say so.
I try a return of tenderness, to see if this will touch a sympa-
thising chord. I say, " I heard you were here, and I've been anx-
iously expecting to see you since our arrival. I am so glad to meet
you again." She replies, leaning back in her chair (not forward or
bending her head, as she had been doing with the Prussian Captain
— hang him!), " Yes, we have been here about a month or so al-
ready." Presently sne says, smiling, "Don't you find yovr Hreii
rather cold f" At last! I knew it! I am boring them. She
doesn't like mi
.
uniform.
in this Suit. She evidently wishes me to go away.
Mas BKBTHA," I say, sarcastically, " yon prefer a
I think," she returns, quietly, " that it is very becoming ."
Which clearly means that mine isn t.
I observe, carelessly, as though the subject were really boneath
consideration, " Dress here is of very little importance." I should
VOL. LXIH.
168
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1872.
GENTLE PATERNAL SATIRE.
INDEXING.
"The Congregation of the Index at Rome has published a
decree mentioning twenty-one literary works which are hence-
forth prohibited."
THE subjoined list is not put forth as containing
exactly the same works as those prohibited by that wise
body, the " Congregation of the Index," for it would be
unfair to other countries to assume that we can claim
the enviable distinction of producing all the forbidden
books. POPE PUNCH THE FIEST, however, has a strong
belief that if the far-seeing authorities at Rome were
to interdict the faithful from reading the list of twenty-
one literary works which he has drawn up, they would
be quite as likely to succeed in extinguishing freedom of
thought, and stopping the progress of enlightened
opinion — in a word, putting down reading and thinking as
—they are by the promulgation of the present or any other
prohibitory decree of the Congregation of the Index :—
Joe Miller.
Robinson Crusoe.
Cocker's Arithmetic.
Johnson's Dictionary.
Miss Acton's Cooker;/ Bonk.
Goody Two Shoes.
Arabian Nights.
Authorised Cab Fares.
2'ables of Logarithms.
Bradshaw.
The Boy's Own Book.
Ruff's Guide to the Turf.
Lindlf.y Murray.
The Blue Book.
Ready Reckoner.
Gradus ad Parnassum.
Army List.
Burke' s Peerage.
Pickwick.
The Nautical Almanack.
The Pharmacopoeia.
Irate Parent. "01 YBR DON'T WANT TO GO INTO BUSINESS, DON'T YER I O
TBlt WANT TO BE A CLERK IN THB POST-HORFICE, DO YER ! POST-HORFICE,
INDEED ! WHY, ALL Tou'RS FIT FOB is TO STAND OUTSIDE WITH YOUR TONGUE drawback to her satisfaction is, that she is afraid there
HOUT, FOB PEOPLE TO WET THEIR STAMPS AGAINST ! " j is too great a disparagement of age.
May and December.
AT this present junction MRS. MALAPROP is greatly in-
terested in a marriage which is about to take place
between two of her most intimate friends. The only
like to add something about " As long as the heart," &c., but I
feel that it won't do in this costume. Yet what is a Love worth
that mixes me up with the colour of my cloth ?
Happy Thought (for a New Social Proverb}.— Cat your friend
according to the colour of his cloth.
MBS. MOMPISON rises. So do the young ladies. " I would offer
to escort you," I say, still bitterly, "only you wouldn't like
walking with me through the garden in this costume." BEHTHA
doesn't say Yes or No, she only laughs, and Miss AGATHA settles
the question by inclining herself in a stately manner towards me,
and taking her sister's arm. MRS. MOMPISON says, with decision,
" Don't let us hurry you away ; we '11 see your Aunt to the hotel ; "
and even my Aunt seems pleased to be rid of me.
They leave the Garden. Bah ! there 's an end of the illusion. I
had expected great things from meeting BERTHA again— I had ex-
pected great things from this Grosses Garten Concert, with its
grossen Ballons (the impostors), and its bengalische Beleuchtung des
Gartens (the humbugs). I should like to insult somebody, and
dash in among the glasses. Where 's MILBURD ?
TRACTS BY VICTOR HUGO.
ACCORDING to the Aihen&um : —
" It is believed that II. VICTOR Huso's next production will be the long-
promised sequel to the Ligende des Slides — flieu. This is shortly to be fol-
lowed by La I'm de Satan."
The titles of these performances suggest the expectation that they
will be found, on perusal, highly religious books. The last-named
work, however, appears likely to prove itself the expression of an
idea not altogether original. The possibility of demonicide is sug-
gested by Friday to Robinson Crusoe, and it is represented as an
accomplished fact in the catastrophe of a certain drama commonly,
under a name which modesty declines here to mention, wont to be
performed, beneath the sky, in public but sequestered places aboul
London.
WHERE ARE THEY?
WHERE is the Railway Passenger who, when he leaves the train,
JJ so commonly polite as to shut the door behind him ?
Where is the English Tourist who can contrive to change a five-
pound note upon the Continent, and not find himself a loser thereby ?
Where is the Butler who allows his master's friends to taste as
»ood a glass of wine as he produces for his own ?
Where is the Reading Party which sticks closely to its studies
even in the finest weather ?
Where is the Public Orator who can ever keep his promise to " say
a few words only" ?
Where is the Billiard-marker who will win your money from you,
and refrain from assigning half his victory to flakes ?
Where is the Railway Porter who will hurry to attend to you, if
you are known upon the line as one obeying strictly the placarded
direction to " give no fees to any servants of the Company" ?
Where is the Builder who never lets his bill exceed his given
estimate ?
Where are they born, the People who say cowcumber, hospittable,
nayther, and ad vehement ?
Where is the Organ-fiend who will move off from your door with-
out your fetching a Policeman ?
Where is the Hairdresser who can manage to content himself with
cutting your hair simply, without making any cutting observations
on its scantiness ?
Where is the Gamekeeper who ever looks contented with the tip
you offer him ?
And lastly— Where is the Young Lady who can pack up her own
boxes, and not leave half her " things " behind her ?
Mem.
ANGLO-FRENCH COMMERCIAL TBEATT.— The Raw Material may
offer material for a Raw.
OCTOBER 26, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON f'HAUIV.MIF.
16!)
LIKES HIS MONEY'S WORTH.
English Passenger (by the Night Mail North). " COSKOUNDF.D TKDIOUS JOURNKT, THIS I "
Scotch Ditto. "Tcjiou.s! SAK IT OCOHT TO BE I (With a Groan.) Two Ptw' TWALVK AND SAX PIN ci, SICOND CULSS— Hiram's) I ! '
"ECONOMY IN MOURNING."
ECONOSIT in mourning ! Ay, that indeed were wise ;
More willingly in no point would I economise.
Economy in mourning I There 's nought that I would go
So soon without, my masters, as sorrow, grief, and woe.
Economy in mourning ? Yes, I know what you mean.
'Twill ever be my practice, as it has ever been.
I always spend in mourning as little as I can
Without being considered a heartless, shabby man.
Economy in mourning ? Ah, so much I would spare,
That I, of mine own option, would none whatever wear.
My " mourning " for my sorrow wears out too soon, alack 1
If grief a tailor craved I should always dress in black.
Economy in mourning I Poor people, had they sense,
Would get up an agreement to save the whole expense.
Economy in mourning, for families in need,
Would be, if it were total, economy indeed.
Economy in mourning ! Why not ? Fair Sex, confess.
Economy in mourning 's economy in dress.
Economy in mourning which doth a loss ensue,
Is so much consolation economised for you.
From our Sensitive Contributor.
THERE are certain most agreeable amusements in the world which
can hardly be indulged in by men of certain callings, without con-
veying to the mind a disagreeable idea. For instance, who, without
a shudder, can entertain the notion of a Dentist playing cricket, and
detected in the horrid act of Drawing a Stump !
THE LANGUAGE IN DISGUISE.
MR. PUNCH.
Yon like to embalm curiosities.
Perhaps, therefore, yon
will give posterity a chance of making acquaintance with the foreign-
English of the present century, by preserving the following sample,
taken from a clothier's card in Belgium :—
"Noncm.
" To satisfy to the numerous demand* which m made 01 so often by for. ijrn-
ora, several Uylon of fint ability are engaged to make all the merchandiSM
that cornea out of our house; we ihall take then responaability for the satis-
faction of the customer*, every thing what it nude thus what should not suit
our purchaser shall be left for our account, With that oombinuon shall the
purchaser be immediately served, hit clothes handsomely made and in good
commodity at the lowest price.
" ADVICE.
" The reputation since a longtime established of the house Y. Z. & Co, 86
years existence dispense to call back, to reason to allow him to sell cheaper
than any one, whoever it may be for everybody knows that the House of — ,
street, new manufacture furnishes to all their depots manufatures the
greatest part of its articles aperates in cash for itself with his own capitals it
avoids then benifices of the houses in great, the considerable expenses, i»-
terests in the credits, idle loses in the faillures enormans expenses of boos*
rent, benefits for the shop Keepers, etc., expenses always paid by the pur-
chasers and that not one other house can avoid, such an the plaine reasons
which allows to the house T. Z. & Co to offer the good marohandises to an
extraordinary lower price than the others."
Is it possible that our English-French or English-German can be
as hazy as this ? At the foot of the " Notice " is the announcement,
certainly not a superfluous one—" English spoken." For the sake
of those of our countrymen, knowing only their own language, who
may present themselves as customers, let us hope that the English
spoken in the clothier's establishment may prove a little more intel-
ligible than the English written there.
Yours faithfully,
A. HOME BIED.
170
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER' 26, 1872.
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
He takes some more Evenings from Home, and addresses the Editor
after visiting Drury Lane and Covent Garden.
IR,— The other evening I repre-
sented You (in your freshest
days, not as the blase creature
you are now), at Drury Lane,
where The Lady of the Lake
is being performed. One great
indueement was the simple
announcement in the bills of
" The Coronach." At the end
of Scene 3, Act III., I found
it. Not a word more — only
the Coronach. I am aware
that, as myself, I ought to
know all about the Coronach ;
but. as Your Representative,
I admit my ignorance. I had
heard of it, in my earliest
years, as something peculiarly
Scotch. I was pretty certain
it wasn't a Haggis, and I knew
that it wasn't a Cock - a -
leekie. My idea of it, if any.
inclined to its being a Wail
played on a Bagpipe; which
description, on account of the poverty of the English language,
sounds by comparison uncommonly like the superlative degree of
playing a Salmon with a Jew's-harp. I take this opportunity of
adding that I have come away from Drury Lane without clearly
learning what the Coronach is, except that it has something to do
with Roderick Dhu, when slain, being carried out on the shoulders
of six men as stiff as a poker. Never on any stage was there a
man so thoroughly killed as was Roderick Dhu the night I saw
him pinked by his gallant opponent at Drury Lane Theatre.
Whether he, in this attitude, was the Coronach, or whether his
clansmen bowing politely towards the body, or whether the orchestra,
which certainly did play a dirgey sort of march, — whether each
one separately, or the whole together, was the Coronach, I regret
to say I was unable to learn. My neighbours on my right and left
seemed uncomfortable when I asked them, as if the Coronach
meant something about which it were better in decent society to
be silent. As Your Representative I blushed— though I don't re-
member having ever seen You perform this feat— and dropped the
subject.
I liked Miss MABIA B. JONES, as Ellen Douglas, very much. I
like her more as I recall her to my memory, though I was sorry to
see how rudely she treated that Aged Minstrel, Allan Sane (a
wretched old humbug, I admit) in Act IV. So. 1, where, when she is
to be made as comfortable as possible by the handsome young officer,
MR. BARNES (whom I had till now always associated with the Pan-
taloon and " Here 's a Policeman coming ! "), she cheerfully skips
off with that polite gentleman, accompanied also by a new military
acquaintance, who in the bill is styled " A Soldier with a Song" —
that being, apparently, his rank in the Scotch army — and leaves
the poor old minstrel, who is as blind as a bat, to fish his way out
for himself as best he can, or to knock his stupid old head against
the wings, as there seemed to be every probability of his doing, at
the risk of considerable personal injury to his aged nose and forehead.
James the Fifth of Scotland, craftily represented in the bill by
MR. "»*»«" Was admirably played by MR. but no, I will
not reveal a secret which the playbill so carefully guards. The part.
however, is capitally played by MR. FOUR-STARS (let 's say) ; and
when I remembered that I had seen this gentleman, only a while
ago, as the Wicked Archdeacon of the Adelphi, performing very
unarchidiaconal functions, I was indeed pleased. But I must be
mute. FOUR- STARS, farewell! Tortures (up to a certain point)
shall not drag from me the secret of your name.
As for Roderick Dhu, I protest that, out of SKELT'S Scenes and
Characters, I have never seen such a Twopence-Coloured Macduff
as Clan Alpine's Chief at Drury Lane. Without his helmet (which
is of a Prussian character), and fitted with a bonnet and feathers
complete, the contest to possess him between the small retail dealers
in Fancy Snuffs and Tobaccos would be indeed a sharp one. I 'm
not sure whether the upper half of him (for he falls off a little at
the legs, which are less formidable than the upper part and of a
different colour) wouldn't have a terrific effect on an enemy, if
judiciously placed as the figure-head to a man-of-war. This, how-
ever, is a hint for My Lords at the Admiralty, to which they are
welcome.
There 's one thing that Roderick of Dhury Lane can do, and that
is fight. My ! Can't he ! And so can MR. FOUR-STABS, too, the
latter getting the best of it, and leaving the Clan Alpine gentleman
to expend the small amount of breath remaining to him on a penny
whistle, which summoned his followers from all sorts of queer places
in the Mountain Pass, where they have been concealed for a good
quarter of an hour, in what must have been most uncomfortable
positions. I pitied any of the Clan Alpine Supers with a tendency
to lumbago.
The Last Scene of all, where FOUR-STARS (I 'm dying to tell you
who he really is) comes out very strong, astonishing nobody except
Ellen Dmigjas and friends, is, as the bills say, really a Triumph. It
is magnificent, and no one should leave without seeing it ; and no
one should see it without leaving, unless he wants to be shut up in
Old Drury all night.
I may now, without breach of confidence, mention my conviction
that MR. FOUR-STARS and MR. FERNANDEZ are one and the same
person, and MR. FOUR-STARS FERNANDEZ is about the best man just
now at Old Drury, more power to his elbow !
As Your Representative (you thinking yourself so excellent a
musician) I was much struck by the way in which the canny Scotch,
under JAMBS THE FIFTH, had anticipated MEYERBEEK'S music, for
they played the March from the Prophete, with a double band, in
first-rate style. And, by the way, in the Glen, during the incanta-
tion in Act II., we had the Casting the Bullets music from Der
Freischiitz ; only, of course, as this was an entirely supernatural
affair, the fact could be easily accounted for.
You liked Babil and Bijou very much up to the end of the Second
Act. I mean, of course, that Your Representative liked it for you.
Up to that time it resembled the swell footman's conversation among
his friends at Bath, — it was " werry pretty." After this it fell off.
Fell off in interest, I wish you to understand — in nothing else.
Scenery, costumes, ballet, all gorgeous and effective, but now and
then a trifle wearisome, at least for you, Sir, with your used-up
experience.
It called to my mind the Biche au Hois, the Chatte Blanche,
Cendrillon, and, for the matter of that, a host of spectacles, panto-
mimes, and extravaganzas in London and Paris. It is just the same
as any one or all of them, only much more so ; as all the old effects
are multiplied and improved upon. The ballet dancing, too, is first-
rate, for a wonder, and then look at the Amazons in armour, and
their Prince Fortmbras ! Six foot one is this charming young lady,
if an inch ! And not showy only, but able to speak her lines with
emphasis and discretion.
The music is the work of a talented trio, but which composition
belongs to which composer is a puzzle; not, as far as I could see
(that is. as Your Representative, though; acting for myself, I 've no
doubt I should have known all about it in two twos), solved by any
information in the playbill of Babil. A ballad sung by Miss ANNIE
SINCLAIR (or Sing Clear), a Quintette, and a Spring Chorus (which
has nothing to do with a spring mattress, being a piece of music and
not a piece of mechanism) are all charming, and, when I heard
them, were deservedly encored. Your Representative did not see
much to laugh at in the Fairy Spectacle (though you, Sir, being
under the impression that a sweet smile is more becoming to your
features than an air of repose, would have grinned from first to last),
except when MR. LIONEL BROUGH, who, throughout the piece has not
nearly enough to say for himself, pretends to whisper soft nothings
of a humorous nature to a huge Turtle. The Turtle (who is sup-
posed to be a Queen) is, whoever may be inside that property shell,
an actor of considerable comic power. The way in which the gentle
amphibious creature affected to be shocked at one of MR. BROUGH'S
whispered good things, which had evidently become just a little bit
too broad even for a turtle, was indescribably funny. Mr. Barlow,
of Sandford and Merton celebrity, would at once have been reminded
of a story with some such name as Lionel and the Blushing Turtle.
Costumes gorgeous, spectacle altogether brilliant. This is Your
Representative's summing up ; from which it may be safely con-
cluded that, with the exception of the music, Babil and Bijou is a
show which, like little boys among their elders, may be " seen, but
not heard." And, by the way, apropos of little boys, the piece is
just the very thing for children. There 's a morning performance
every Saturday, and Your Representative's advice to Pater and
Materfamilias is, " When in doubt, play Covent Garden."
Your Representative was just in time to see the Last Days of
Montcalm at the Queen's Theatre. Poor fellow (I think Montcalm
tvas a fellow, but am not quite certain), he had a short life of it,
and far from a merry one. He was mixed up, during his brief
existence at the above-named theatre, with a Ghost, who came with
Thunder, and Thunder that came without the Ghost (the latter having
forgotten the day, or being a trifle unpunctual), with an uncle who
murdered a brother or a nephew (I am not clear which), with a father
who relentlessly hunted up and then hunted down a daughter, with
envy, hatred, malice, and all uncharitableness, with stabbings and
poisonings, with startling wills found in secret drawers, and, in
OCTOBER 26, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
171
fact, with so many greater and lesser horrors that not RICHABDSON'S
Show in all its glory, had it been opened next door, would have had
a chance against this atrocious scoundrel (or virtuous gentleman, I
couldn't clearly make out which he was) Mimti-alm.
Since then the irrepressible Author has produced two pieces, one
at Brighton, for change of air, which, however, didn't agree with it,
for it survived the sudden exposure but ten nights, and the other
in conjunction with Mi88 FLORENCE MARRTAT at the Holborn, of
which latter Your Representative, having seen it, has not time to
write this week. SulKcir it to say, at present, that MRS. HERMANN
VE/IN'H performance of Mist Chester in, taking into consideration
the odds against which she plays, better acting than anything just
now going on in London.
To turn from SIR CII.VKLKS YOUNG to the Ever Young SIB
CHARLES becomes Your Representative's positive duty on seeing
I'snl up, with CHARLES MATHEWS as the ««.«<' Baronet, announced
in the programme of the Gaiety Theatre. Shaking for You, Sir,
and for myself also this time, let us hope that The (fame of Sfteula-
tion is to follow. Then (if you please) an Appeal to the Public, and
I think that '11 do for the present.
THE INFALLIBLE SPECIFIC.
IN a letter to the Times, avowing his disbelief of the alleged
miracles at Lourdes and La Salette, and asserting his freedom, as
a Roman Catholic, to disbelieve them, MR. M. ARCHER SHEE writes
as follows : —
" I daresay I shall astonish and probably disappoint your Correspondent
when I assert, without fear of contradiction, that no personal utterance of the
POPB, either ex cathedrA or otherwise, and no decree, even unanimous, of a
Council, (Ecumenical or otherwise, can impose on any Catholic conscience the
duty of believing, as a matter of faith, any fact or event, or alleged fact or
event, which is not, and could not have been chronologically included in the
deposit of faith delivered by our bleised Lord to his Apostle*, or reported to us
in those venerable records and oracle* of faith which all Christians are bound
to accept as written under his divine and direct inspiration — namely, the Holy
Scriptures."
MR. SHEE may, very likely, not only say all that without fear oi
contradiction, but will very likely not be contradicted by any logical
Papist or thinking Protestant. It is quite intelligible that no utter-
ance of the POPE, even ex cathedrd, and no decree of any Council,
may, even in the view of POPE and Council themselves, be <fc fide
unless included in the above-mentioned deposit. But who is to
decide whether it is in fact included or not ? Suppose the Hoi
Father were to rule that the earth was flat, that the sun move
round it, and that these points were of faith, as being included in
that deposit, what then? Would MR. SHEK, or anybody else of
that gentleman's way of thinking, be at liberty to gainsay his
POPE ?
Again says he— that is, SHEE :—
claimed
has no ft — 0 —
it is certain that it does not involve Papal tnguUttility in matters of
poraneous fact or history. Whether his Holiness believes or disbelieves these
'apparitions and miracles,' to the truth of which he has certainly not
pledged his dogmatic authority, I not only ' consider,' but know ' myself '
to be, as a Catholic, fully entitled to disbelieve him."
Cuiaue in arts sua credendum est is a rule to which there is one
special exception— that of priestcraft. But even if MR. ARCHER
SHEE were a priest, and simply expounding his craft honestly ac-
cording to his own ideas thereof, the above extract would afford
cause to question whether he is not rather widely out therein. It
will be news to a good many people that the dogma of Papal Infal-
libility has been enforced by the POPE'S anathema at all. If so en-
forced, it has certainly not been enforced by his anathema alone.
Who was it that directly and personally excommunicated DR. DoL-
LINOER and the " Old Catholics" ?
MR. Su RE not only considers but knows himself to be, as a Catholic,
fully entitled to disbelieve certain apparitions and miracles, whether
his Holiness believes them or not. What does he say to the miracles,
if not apparitions, on the strength of whose authenticity, as matters
of fact, the POPE, this one, and other Popes before him, have canon-
ised Saints ? Is it, with him an open question whether those alleged
facts were true or false, and does he hold that the Popes were not
" ingullible " in those matters of fact or history ? Does he, in short,
maintain that appeal from the POPE to History is not treason ?
There is no use in pausing for a reply to these questions ; for even
if MR. ARCHER SHEE were to answer them, we should be no bettor
informed. Neither should we be, even if they were answered by
DR. NEWMAN. Given Infallibility, the limits and conditions ot In
fallibility can of course be denned by Infallibility alone. Regarding
it as the Roman Catholioon or Universal Medicine, one may say that
opinions about Infallibility might be advertised as being None
genuine unless stamped with the Seal of the Fisherman.
WOMEN WITH WINGS.
OKTMT MR. PCN
I AH an old lire
and have no milliner'*
Mlli to pay, and take,
tin n-fr.ri-, httlo interest
in the change* • •
fashions. Still, I can't
hdp now and then juit
glancing at the itaUmt-ntn
upon thi* im]Mjrtant *ub-
jtct, which are *o con-
tinually thrurt before my
eye* in the column* of the
newspaper*. Here iione,
for instance, which, if 1
were a married man,
would give me satisfac-
tion : —
" The ' Dolman ' U a looae
•, with tarn hanging
•leave*, that ran be awumed
or Mi loo*e at pleacon. One
variety of thi* useful garment
i* cut without any »leeve, a
wing being added, whirh give*
the appearance of a h*ni»**i«
hanging sle«T«. One advan-
tage of thi* shape u, it doe*
not take much material, u there is no under part to the sleeve.'1
Being still a bachelor, I am privileged to 9bserve that ladie* wear-
ing wings must look really quite angelic. The thought may
possibly occur to sundry married men as well, in their honeymoon
especially. But, if I were a husband, I should observe with still
more pleasure that these winged garment* "do not take much
material." This is clearly an advantage, in a marital point of view,
where economy may claim to be regarded a* a beauty. With wings,
or without them, ladies generally manage to make their money
and in these expensive days I am sure that every huiband will
welcome with delight any novelty in fashion that let* his wife be
rather cheaper, although really not less dear, to him.
With compliment* to Mrs. Punch, I am your*, &c.,
The Owlsnest, Cosy Crescent. HUMPHMT HUMS.
FIXED IDEAS.
Is TUB MiitD OF MAW.
THAT he is overworked.
That his constitution requires stimulants.
That, if he had them, he could at thi* moment invest a few hun-
dreds to the greatest advantage.
That smoking is good for hi* nerve*, hi* worne*, hi* li
pursuits, his toothache, &o.
That he ought to belong to a Club.
That he could reform the Army, do away with the Income-tax,
manage the Railways better, and make a large fortune by keepm
an Hotel.
That he knows a good glas* of wine.
That he could win a heap of money if he were to go to Homburg.
That medicine is all humbug.
That he could preach as good a sermon himself.
That he should soon pick up his French if he went abroad.
That he must win on this year's Derby.
•
Iir TH» MTND OF WOMAW.
That she has nothing fit to put on.
That things ought to be bought beoau*e they are cheap.
That there i* company in the kitchen.
That she is not allowed sufficient money for housekeeping.
That she never goes out anywhere.
That her best black silk is getting awfully shabby.
That she requires a change about the month of Augrwt.
That her allowance is too small.
That she never look* fit to be seen.
That cook drinks.
That there is always " a glare."
That there is somebody in the house.
That MRS. ORPINGTON i* dreadfully gone off, or dreadfi
up, or not so very good-looking, after all.
173
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1872.
AN AWKWARD COMPLIMENT.
RAID YOU ARK BoEBD, MB. AllORET I YOU
Mr. Amoret (with native Readiness and Gallantry). " 0 NO, INDEED, MB?. FLIBTINQTON. I— I— I MUCH PREFER THE OLDER ONES ! "
Mrs. Flirtington (wquetlisldy}. "I'M AFRAID you ARE BOEBD, MB. AMORET I You WOULD SOONER BB WALKING WITH SDME
YOVNO LAD? ! "
THE GAROTTER'S GLEE.
BLOW. "Warder, blow from soundest arm,
And thy Ninetails waved on high !
For the rascals have wrought with the violent hand,
And have done a robhery.
The Lash a cruel caitiff's meed
Ought evermore to be ;
And his hide should be wrung and his shoulders should
be stung,
And the brute whipped handsomely.
The "Warder looked with a glowering eye,
Each craven rogue to see,
I bear a strong arm, and, by my good troth,
Ihey shall feel it— or else, blow me !
Sterner the "Warder bared his arm,
A ^n u -is I?inetails waved on high ;
And their hides they were wrung and their shoulders
they were stung,
And the brutes whipped handsomely.
Italians Improved.
. THE population of the neighbourhood of Ravenna appear to con-
sist of sanguinary savages. According to the Times, they have
existing among them secret assassination societies, or "murder
clubs," whose agents are wont to take the life of anyone who at-
tempts to enforce the law against criminals, or gives any other
ottence to surrounding villaindom. To remedy this state of things,
the native race should be crossed with Irish blood, and more Priests
appointed to instruct the people.
SABBATARIANISM AND SOBRIETY.
" IT seems," says a paragraph in the Times relative to the Liquors
Intoxicating Act, "from the proceedings at Staley bridge that no
very beneficial change has been wrought in that town." Rather the
reverse, indeed, is apparent from what follows : —
"A policeman was brought before the Magistrates on Monday on a charge
of drunkenness. The guardian of the peace had been found on his beat in a
hopeless state of intoxication, and the Mayor remarked that the state of things
in the borough was ' something awful.' There was an increase of drunken-
ness every Monday."
See how easy it is not to make people sober, but to make them
drunk, by Act of Parliament. The Licensing Act shuts up taverns
on Sunday during just those hours at which drink is most required
and least likely to be taken to excess, meal and excursion hours,
from 2'30 to G in the afternoon. On Monday people drink all the
more, not only to make up for lost time, but also in a spirit of angry
opposition to the Legislative Prigs who have dared to curtail their
natural right to enjoy seasonable refreshment. For this result the
Teetotallers may thank the Sabbatarians.
The Ballot for Ever!
THE Ballot is now an Institution. At both Pontefract and Pres-
ton experience has shown us that it can by no means insure secresy,
except secresy in bribery and being bribed. If the Liberals ever
want to repeal the Ballot Act, they will have to unite ; for the Con-
servatives will be sure to combine in upholding it.
THE LARGEST IN IKE WORLD.
INSTRUMENTAL Music is said to attain to the highest perfection in
the " Organ Mountains."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— OCTOBER 26, 1672.
PITY THE POOR GAROTTERS !
Jo* HUGGINS. "0, PLEASE, SIR, DON'T I MR. PETER TAYLOR SAYS AS I'M DELICATE, AND A COWARD,
AND DIDN'T OUGHT TO BE FLOGGED 1 1 "
MB BULL. " AH, INDEED ! YOUR FRIEND, MR. PETER TAYLOR, SHOULD HAVE I
BEFORE YOU THROTTLED THE OLD GENTLEMAN. LET HIM HAVE IT SOUNDLY, WAR] ^
OCTOBER 26, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
175
EFFECTUAL FAST.
EI.COMK intelligence i§,
and has been for
many a day, very un-
common. But here is
a specimen of some
which will give satis-
faction a* great as
general, although, in
fact, it implies a suc-
cessful strike :—
"RBDUCTIOH is THB
PaiOB OP COAL. — A
meeting of the coal-
masters of Glasgow and
the West of KngUnd was
held yesterday at Glai-
gow, for the purpote of
considering the repeated
demands which had been made upon them this week by their m°n in the respective dis-
ricts for a rise of wages. The meeting resolved, instead of granting the demand of the
nen for a shilling per day advance, to reduce the price »f coal 3s. 6rf. per ton. This
•esolution has been come to in consequence of the large reduction in the demand for
strike, however, which has, hy the ahove showing, proved successful,
i strike of colliers, but, on the contrary, a strike of consumers of coal.
men
re:
coal.
The
is not a strike
and, in lowering their exorbitant price*, would to
humble themjelye* that the Fait would as a re*ult
compel the requisite humiliation. The Fait would be
general ; the Humiliation confined to the liutchers.
JERUSALEM THE POXY.
AT one of the late meeting* of the Church Congre**,
after the reading, by a Prebendary, of a paper, and it-
subsequent discussion, interrupted by shouts of 0, 0 ! "
"No, no!" "Chair!" "Go on!*5 "Order!" cheert
and counter-cheer*. " score* of clergymen bawling and
gesticulating," a hurricane" of noise and confusion,
and " several minute* of great uproar," " the meeting,
says a contemporary, "closed with (appropriately) the
singing of JertuaUm the flnUen." The circumstance*
which preceded this choral performance *eem to niggeit,
under the denomination thereof, some idea of the
quadruped named in the title of Aruunrs hi* Novel.
An assembly which evinced it* wisdom by exclama-
tions in point of sense about upon a par with the least
rational utterance of that quadruped, seems to have
made itself analogous not so much to the City of Jeru-
salem as to the animal called thereafter. Taken to
mean that animal, "Jerusalem the Golden "was cer-
tainly appropriate, at least to the extent of Jerusalem.
bring exorbitant prod „
efficacious is the same short way with extortionate purveyors. In times of dearth
it is usual for the Government to proclaim a General Fast and Humiliation Day,
which the Masses observe by making a Holiday of it, and going in their
thousands to the Crystal Palace. But if, without express reference to
humiliation, a General Fast simply, not of a day, but for an indefinite period,
were now, in this present meat-famine, proclaimed by authority which would
be respected, and if the Fast were kept in regular, strict, original Lenten
fashion, the butchers, like the coal-masters, would soon be brought to reason,
By Wire.
MBS. MAiAi'Boi1 say* wonders will never cease. She
hears that there has been a letter in the paper about
sending "money by telegram;" *o she suppose* the
next thing will bo that people will send the clothe* to
the wash, and the dinner to the bakehouse, and the
children to school by the eccentric telegraph.
THE SPAJTIAHD'S EPITAPH.— Innirgam.
QUESTIONS FOR NAVAL COMPETITIVE
EXAMINATION.
1. WHEN is a Ship taken all aback ? After this can it go forward* P
2. When does a Ship reach P How far can it reach on a stretch ?
3. Where are her beam-ends ? Name which beams are intended,
and which ends.
4. What is meant by shaking a Ship ? If this is often done, are
the Sailors Shakers ?
5. Running a vessel in the Wind's Eye. Is this a painful opera-
tion for the Wind ? If not, why not ?
6. When going in the teeth of the Wind, would the vessel knock
the teeth out ? If not, what ?
7. Where are the heel and fore-foot of a Ship ? Problem.— Given
the above, to find when a vessel can be taken in toe.
8. Is the Mainyard a covered or open yard P How do you make
the farmyard fore and aft ?
9. What are the Hawse Pipes ? Are they used in an engagement P
If so, are they rightly called the Hatcse de Combat ?
10. You are of course acquainted with the Painter on board ship.
In what style does he paint ?
11. Is a Ship ever put into crinoline in addition to being in stays r
12. How do you ware a vessel ? When you ware a vessel, is it
as it were before it was as you ware it ; or, if not, ware is it ?
13. Who were Larboard, Cardboard, and Starboard P Were they
at any period in history the Elder Brethren of the Trinity House ?
14. When does a ship run ? Do only Welsh ships, that is Whalers,
spring leaks P
15. Can you procure, at a Nautical Instrument Makers, any spec-
tacles specially adapted for Dead-Eyes ?
16. Is it the duty of the Admiral to see the mam-sheets aire
every morning ? Whose office is it to take care that the Warming-
pan is used for the fore-sheet in the depth of winter ?
17. By what Marine and Commercial Law are Ships Trucks
allowed to be used on Railways ? ,
18. Why is Port always left on a vessel ? Are the First Ofncers
glasses also left on board ? If not, why ?
19. What animals are invariably carried on board ship P
the Monkey, and Donkey, and Cat, of the number P
20. Can you tell the pitch of a vessel with a tuning-fork ( _
21. Is a Marine Store the only place where you can obtain Marines r
22. Are you obliged to make use of the Needles in order to tack P
Any Candidate answering this entire paper correctly will be at
once presented with a oadetship, and will nave his name down 01
Are
the Admiral of the Bine's private list for promotion to the mart-head
on the very first opportunity.
FAIR BIRDS IN BORROWED FEATHERS.
0 MY dear Mr. Punch what do you think is to become of all us
poor young ladies with everything so dear and coal* ft erer so much
a pound and meat at 0 my gracious me ! Papa say* that he can t
afford to give us any more new evening drewe*. And what dmcaut
we shall look ! Only fancy going out in a ball-drew of la*t
Season ! Why I do believe that we shall have to do a* girl* do in
New York at least Cousin CHAKLKT showed me thu cut out of a
newspaper : —
"At certain of the New York costume establishments there «re sereral hun-
dred dresses for hire. In one ten or twelve sewing girls are kept constantly em-
-'ved, making alterations found requisite in fitting. A lady comes in
'orms the proprietor that she is going to > certain l>all and wants a stylish
outfit. All kinds of magnificent dresses are shown her, and .he choose* one
worth 400 dollars, for the use of which she has to pay 35 dollars. There were
a great variety of silk, satin, and lace overskirta, with or without panier an
black and white lace shawls, some of which are valued as high as 5(
?or the loan of which 10 to 15 per cent is charged. The establishment keep,
on hand about fifty of these higVpriced dresses, most of which, like a farounta
book at a circulating library, are in constant use.
The American young ladie* are nice girls I have heard but they
can't be over nice if they wear other people'* clothing. However
this is what we all must oome to, only Papa wouldn t like to paj
as much as five-and-thirty dollar* for the hiring of a ball-dre*B f
me If it came to borrowed plumet I expect that 1
to put up with something cheaper such as this for inrtano
" Or a lady can provide herself with dress on a more moderate scale. The
followinVfigure. give the cost of a ball outfit :-A 50 dollar silk skirt, 3 dol-
la™ a 30 dolUr Sera cloak, 2 dollars ; pair of cheap kids, 60 cents. ; hlr. of
M d'oUar seTS ie^lry, 2 dollar,: total 7 dollars 56 «nU. Thu., at the
expense of about \ dollars, a young lady can go U a ball or "P^1* .^
Taiaed at about 130 dollars, and jewelry thatlooks to be worth 300 dollars.
Cousin CHABLET says the ball* where ladiee go all dr«»*ed in bor-
rowed clothes ought to be regarded as Lenten Entertamn
I think the subject far too serious for joking.
Yours ever moil admiringly
GEOROIB AJWA GOSHKRTOIT.
P.S.-Perhaps now that they have pocketed .fora ^on. of .our
money the Americans can afford to buy new t
daughters instead of only borrowing tl
176
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1872.
1)
• t
'iff-*i\ 1 1 I T T*^ HcV- '•
ail
ONE OF IDE " YOUNG LADIES" SHOWS A COSTUME.
THE SAME WITH A DIFFERENCE.
SCENE — A Shop.
MRS. BROWN
BROWN THINKS IT LOVELT.
SO SUKE ABOUT IT NOW.
TRIES ONE ON-
BROWN IS NOT
Sir §m%t
CONSTABLE OF THE TOWER.
BORN JUNE 4, 1786.
DIED OCTOBER 6, 1872.
FOE the brave dead, borne by the living braye,
The Abbey's gate of honour open wide !
He seeks his place of rest, a well-earned grave,
Between the dust of OUTHAM and of CLYDE.
The FABIUS and the BAYABD of our arms
May own in him a heart of kindred mould ;
Patient as CLYDE, as calm amidst alarms ;
As OUTBA.M stainless, chivalrous, and bold.
He had seen fifty years, before the deed,
That crowned his name with honour's wreath, was done :
Almost as long he waited hia full meed,
And, past fourscore, his Marshal's baton won.
Beside his grave bow more than one grey head,
Debtors for life to him that set them free :
Old heroes, some, coeval with the dead ;
And, some, the seed of heroes yet to be,
Gathered to honour him, whose life outwears
The years 'twixt WELLESLEY'S India and our own :
And scarce a breast but honour's blazon bears,
And scarce a name but for stout service known.
Heads, silvered now, were dark, when, stirred by fames
From over Indus, of wild Affghan war,
We searched our maps for unfamiliar names —
Khelat and Ghusnee, Caubul, Candahar ;
Heard clashing judgments on the wrong or right
Of policy that plunged us in the f ray^
And little cared, while, in the onward fight,
Still Victory kept Nemesis at bay.
Then came strange news of weakness, bandied blame,
' Defeat, retreat, disgrace, dismay, — and then
All England writhed with an unwonted shame,
To learn how dotard chiefs make dastard men.
Then clamour blent of grief, and fear, and rage,
From England, India, all- confounding, rose,
Which many swelled, whose duty was to assuage,
Hiding their terror in bombastic shows.
But through that storm of doubt, dismay, despair,
GEOBGE POLLOCK'S stout heart kept its even beat :
Happy for us, his strength could overbear
The crisis of that frenzied fever-heat.
Unfired to rashness, as unchilled by fear,
For that black news of women, children, ta'en,
Colours disgraced, and death, in van and rear,
Reddening Khoord-Caubul's snow with ghastly stain,
He hasted not, nor rested ; to relieve
And to avenge would march ; nor marched until
He held the strength his twofold end to achieve :
Then, moving, moved with wisdom as with will.
His road lay through the Khyber's dark defile,
Virgin till then, then doomed its lord to know :
In vain before him yawned its guarded aisle,
Clearing his flanks he swept through pass and foe,
To where he deemed, in AKBAK'S closing grasp,
Brave SALE with his brave handful leaguered lay ;
What joy to learn, ere the chiefs hands could clasp,
That Spartan band had hurled its foes away !
OCTOBER 26, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
177
CATECHISM UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
Free Kirk Elder (preparatory to presenting a Tract). " MY FRIETO, DO YOU
KNOW THE CIIIKF END OF MAN 1 "
Piper (innocently). " NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHONE I CAN Yl »0 WHUSTI.F
ITt'MI
A MITE MEMBER.
THR Members for Oxford, MB. CARDWKLL and Ma.
VKRXOX HARCOURT. lak-ly dined with the Mayor of that
city, and met the High Steward and the members of
the Town Council. " The gathering was of a «tr:< My
private character, and beyond the ancient toast, ' May
God preserve the Church and UUIEN. and prosper the
City of Oxford,' drank by all present in the loving cup,
no toasts were proposed. MR. CARDWELL did not speak."
We auote this last sentence with surprise, not un-
minglea with regret. MR. CARDWKI.L aid mitt* right
not to make a speech, but he should have spoken. It ii
usual to say something, if only about the weather, or
the game, or the last run, at a private dinner-party.
How unpleasant it must have been for the rest of the
company, and especially for those who sat next the
Secretary for War ! Surely he might have opened his
lips to them once or twice, either during dinner or after
dinner. He could not have been silent for lack of a
subject. The autumn mamruvres alone would have
supplied him with material for a speech, much more for
a friendly conversation with his fellow-guests and con-
stituents. We hope they will not remember his silence,
to his disadvantage, at the next general election.
Notice to Trespasser*.
WHILST the Law is in course of being Finished inside
of a Gaol, a black flag is usually hoisted above the penal
edifice. This serves as a sufficient notice to all those
whom it may concern. But during the infliction of
secondary corporal punishment there is no signal to
notify the process going on to outsiders. Much nf the
deterrent effect it ought to have thus fails to be produced.
In future let this deficiency be supplied. Hoist a flag,
also, over the prison in which a criminal is undergoing
the cat-o'-nine-tails. There let it float in the breeze
for so long as the continuance of his flogging. For due
distinction's sake it should not be a black flag ; would be
more suitable if black and blue. Better still would be
a piece of striped bunting ; and, by way of a delicate
compliment to our American kinsmen, the Stars might
be conjoined with the Stripes. For don't the Yankees
-reation ?
INSCRIPTION FOR STTTDT DOORS.—" No Admission, even
on Business."
Then came the choice— Jellalabad relieved—
'Twixt safe return— with captives still in hold,
And England's tarnished honour unretrieved,
Her legions baffled, beaten, backward rolled —
And onward march, till, in the foe's despite,
Each captive child and woman was set free,
And o'er the Bala Hissar broadened bright
St. George's flag, for the wide East to see.
Then his tough mettle the true soldier proved,
Waiting, and winning time, till came the hour,
When wavering wills obeyed his will unmoved,
And brought him warrant from the weak in power,
To march, defying danger, death at need,
And free our captives, and redeem our name ;
Then, modestly he marched, and did the deed,
And stood aside while others reaped the fame,
And rested, well content with the reward
In his own soul, the peace of duty done ;
None ever heard him charge his fate as hard,
Though his the shade, while boasters took the sun.
Patient and calm, of the right soldier's grain,
Whose hard rind hides a kernel soft and bland,
Firm in his hold of duty's rigorous rein,
To friend or sufferer open heart and hand.
Of such as he and his brave brotherhood
Is wrought the best strand in the cable strong
At which old England rides upon the flood,
Let winds roar high, and waves, assailing, throng.
'Tis thanks to such who know nor boast, nor haste,
As far above all envy as all fear,
That this small isle for high ends is high placed,
Still bears proud flag, keen sword, and scutcheon clear.
A NICE SUM.
" The Excise duty on Wine and Sweet*, in the yesr ended the 31§t of March
lut, was £193,842 Hi. 4Jrf."
WHAT can these "sweets" beP Trifle and tipsy-cake, blanc-
mange and custard, are largely consumed by the upper and middle
classes of this country, and a tax upon these and similar oates
would realise a considerable sum, and possibly enable the CHAN-
CELLOR OF Tire EXCHEQUER to take the burdens off humbler articles
of food ; but we never heard that the Excise interfered with the
manufacture of the sweets which appear on our dinner and supper
tables, or levied any duty on such dainty dishes. Can it be thai
those popular articles of consumption, known as " sweets " in our
younger days, contribute to the revenue ? It cannot. No "HA*-
CELLOR OF THB EXCHEQUER could be so hard-hearted— so complete!)
forgetful of the manner in which he spent most of his income in
early life as to tax barley-sugar and bull's eyes, tarts and toffy.
We can recall no other " sweets " but those we have mentioned, as
likely or unlikely to be taxed (except the sweets of office) ; and
this is the vacation, and no question can be raised in the House o
the subject, it must be left in the obsourity in which it was found.
Perilous Position.
MR. IRVING has been loudly and deservedly praised for his per-
formance ot the principal part in the play now on the stage at the
Lyceum. Care must be taken not to heap too many encomiums 01
this excellent actor, in the character of Charlet th» Pint, lest he
should lose his head.
178
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[OCTOBER 26, 1872.
THE D. C.
BENCH contemporaries have
perhaps made the remark
that the English journals
have been lately engaged
in discussing the irrepres-
sible Athanasian Creed.
Canticle or Creed, it has
got from the Prayer Book,
though not out of it, into
the papers, and is likely to
abide in them till some-
thing more lively, or more
dreary, turns up.
This Creed is objected
to on account of certain
portions of it, which, in
euphemistic American,
may be called the dar-
natory clauses. Never
address strong language
to ears polite, or eyes
either, as the papers do.
The epithet applied com-
monly in them to those
clauses hegins with a D.
Borrowing a device from
our Dissenting brethren,
we might venture to de-
scribe those clauses by
initials, the inverse of
a pattern, as the D. C. And, while our hand is in at Noncon-
formist and commercial abbreviation, we may propose to deno-
minate the Athanasian Creed in toto the A. C., without much
fear of being misunderstood to mean the Arcana Coelestia of
EMANUEL SWEDENBORG. Supposing the above proposals to be taken
in good part, we would further venture to ask those whom it may
concern a little question which hitherto does not seem to have
occurred to anybody. Are the D. C. of the A. C. supposed to be
true or false ?
Because, suppose them true, whether agreeable or distasteful,
they cannot be too regularly repeated, or too loudly. The D. C., on
that supposition, ought to be most conspicuously posted up in every
church and chapel, among —
"The scrolls that teach thee how to live and die."
It is only wonderful that DR. PCSEY and ARCHDEACON DENISON
do not get up a counter-agitation for the rehearsal of the A. C.
every day ; D. C. and all. If the D. C. are supposed to be false,
then we should be able to say cadit quecstio ; that is, we ought to be
able to say so. But we fear we shouldn't.
HISTORY AND MYSTERY.
A TELEGRAM from Rome the other day announced that the POPE,
in reply to a deputation, delivered a discourse which appears to
have been truly discursive, and, if reported aright, to have become
finally very hazy. For : —
" In conclusion he gave a short history of the life of EDWARD THE SIXTH
of England, showing that a virtuous monarch always advances the happiness
of his people."
What do we see ? EDWARD THE SIXTH of England commended
as a virtuous monarch by the POPE ! Protestants, indeed, may well
think that EDWARD THE SIXTH advanced the happiness of his
people ; but how can the POPE think so ? Can we believe our eyes t
EDWARD ? Surely this must be a blunder of the telegraph people.
On the part of his Infallible Holiness, about a question of morals, of
course there can have been no mistake. His example of a virtuous
English monarch could hardly have been such an one as would
have been most likely selected by DR. GUMMING. Must it not have
been HENRY ? Yet one fails to see how HENRY THE SIXTH advanced
the happiness of his people, although he may be said to have
advanced the happiness, in a measure, of their posterity by having
founded Eton College. English history must be in fault, as the
POPE cannot be, either as to HENRY or EDWABD. Were HENRY'S
people particularly happy under his reign, or was EDWARD THE
SIXTH a good young Catholic ? Not an old one, of course. Perhaps
DR. MANNING will tell us that history will have to be re-written
under the POPE'S dictation, and that whosoever will not believe it
as amended by Papal authority, without doubt he shall fare in such
wise as is denounced against sceptics by Athanasins.
FIRST-CLASS.
HERE is a proposition for the consideration of a Social Science
Congress : —
JOINT RESIDENCE in a high-class MANSION.— A married Member
O of Cambridge University has furnished an elegant and spacious Mansion,
near the Swiss Cottage, as a joint HOME for himself and several other fami-
lies .and single persons. Each separate family has its own suite of private
rooms, besides the use in common of the general reception rooms, thus pro-
viding alike for home privacy and for social enjoyment. An efficient staff of
respectable and experienced servants secures the good cooking anil attendance
usually enjoyed only in wealthy mansions. Music, chess, whist, the billiard-
room, reading, and conservation, or the privacy of one's private ror>m, are
enjoyed, according to the several tastes of each. First-class references are
desired. Only well-bred persons of good social position, desiring a permanent
home on terms of equality, are received.— Address, &c.
A "joint residence" somehow suggests the notion of a Butcher's
shop ; this meaning, however, is rendered inadmissible by the ex-
planation which follows. The Married Cantab has furnished a
mansion for " himself and several other families and single persons,"
apparently to the exclusion of his own family.
No one who is not the possessor of a " wealthy mansion " can, he
evidently imagines, by any possibility secure "good cooking and
attendance." " Music, chess, &c., and conservation, or the privacy
of one's private room, are" to be "enjoyed." Conservation, or
" the privacy of one's private room," is, of course, the opposite of
conversation in the public salon. A Family may " conserve^" itself
in its own apartments, and keep itself to itself, as a sort of Unsocial
Conservancy Society, if it likes, instead of joining the giddy throng
in the billiard-room. The choice lies between " Conservation "
and "Conversation." Finally, "only well-bred persons of good
social position are received." Whence are the vouchers for their
breeding to come ? Is there a list of questions forwarded by post,
such, for example, as —
1. Does he eat peas with his knife ?
2. Is he given to sniffing ?
3. What are his views of the letter H, and how about dressing for
late dinner ?
4. Does he help himself, and refuse to pass the bottle ?
5. What is his conduct towards Ladies ? Does he wink ?
6. Does he sleep after dinner, and snore ?
How delightful the first assembling of this Happy Family would
be ! Each one would feel certain that the other had a Reference in
his pocket, and possessed testimonials of his good-breeding. In such
circumstances, what an absence of restraint ! What freedom of
expression and interchange of unpremeditated thought I And, after
a time, how fond they must all become of one another ! All first-
class, well-bred, sociable persons must wish success to this Model of
a Morally Unobjectionable Agapemone.
OLD AND NEW JEWRY.
A CERTAIN expression, in Jewry, the Jews,
You know, or should know, were accustomed to use ;
A Sabbath Day's journey— a shorter one than
For example, the road from Beersheba to Dan.
Our Sabbath Day's journey— the Sabbath to call
The first day of the week, that 's no Sabbath at all-
May extend, from a walk but just over the way,
To the distance a fast train can run in a day.
Their Sabbath Day's journey and ours coincide
Herein, when we want ale we mayn't be supplied.
You might travel— supposing the places were here —
From Dan to Beersheba kept e'en there from beer.
"I am Sir Oracle."
THE REV. F. COPE, Incumbent of Christ Church, Leamington, has
been fallen foul of by another of his own cloth, the RET. J. CBAIG,
who instructed his attorney to serve a writ of inhibition on MR. COPE,
forbidding the Head Master of Rugby to preach in his pulpit. From
the newspaper accounts it seems that there was almost a row in the
Church, as the man of law served his legal process within the walls.
The Bishop of Worcester, on being appealed to, very wisely stopped
this little piece of ecclesiastical bullying, and decided that MR. CBAIG
has no power of attorney to meddle with other people's pulpits. We
shall style this case, in the event of the threatened legal steps being
taken, " Worcester Sauce ; or, the Craig in the See and the Leam-
ington Spar."
NOVEMBER 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
179
DIGNITY.
Club "Buttons." "I'M AT THB 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' HOW."
Friend. "WHAT! DID YOU ' GET THB SACK' FROM 'THI REYNOLDS'!"
SIX AND HALF A DOZKX.
BBITOXS into camp* divide.
But can you, friend, MIT your heart ii
With the Blue or Yellow tide,
When you ncan the " 8t»te of Partiei" ?
Not for what they deem the Right,
Do the rival* wage contention.
For no Cause their Leader« fight,
None, save only place and pension.
Whigs and Tories once there were,
In the days of England's glory,
^ow there 's nothing to compare,
In effect, 'twixt Whig and Tory.
Not a difference worth two Jigs.
In their virtue, lets or more u.
As the Tories diihed the Whigs,
So the Whigs have dished the Tories.
'Stead of Tories, for a name,
SayConservatives ; what matUr ?
Call Whigs Liberal! : all the same
Are the former and the latter.
Into office when they get,
Principle each party smothers ;
And alike to work they set,
Either side, to dish the others.
Turncoat Tories Whigs did dish,
Democratic suffrage granting.
False Whigs Tories served as fish.
With restrictive Acts supplanting.
Both together Freedom's friend
Couples, with an imprecation :
Save the Governments that blend
In paternal legislation !
Buttons (indignant). " Go ALONG WITH YKR I
MY RKSI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEB 1 1 "
' GIT THI SACK ! ' I BINT IN
Fork Fie and Poetry.
ONCE there was a HENRY KIRKE WHITE who won
fame by his poems. Now, according to the Lincoln,
Rutland, and Stamford Mercury, there U a HEJCIY
KIRKE WHITE whose claim to distinction is his "noted
Lincolnshire Star Pork Pies." Nothing can any longer
shook us. No, not SAMUEL TAYLOR CoLERiDGrg cele-
brated Smoked Bacon, or PBBCY BYSSHI SHELLEY'S
genuine Oxford Sausages.
LOCAL INTELLIGENCE.
(Such at we tee sprinkled in the influential columns of our
provincial press.)
MB. BEES-WING, the respected butler to LORD HOBBLEY, has been
presented with his photograph and a handsome silver corkscrew by
his admiring friends.
MASTER BLOBBS of Ditchwater is collecting crests and postage
stamps.
MB. HODGE of Claybridge has lately killed his pig.
Miss POPPLEBY of Carrotsford has gone to town to get her hair
dyed.
MB. TBUMPINGTON of Clubley won eleven points at whist and
seven goes of gin-and-water on Friday evening s'ennight.
Miss SKLINA SMITH of Cramford has lost her pet canary, which
died suddenly of the pip.
MRS. GUSE of Ganderwick appeared in a new chignon on her re-
turn from the Continent last Thursday afternoon.
Miss JEMIMA WOBBLES of Lily Cottage, Dulborough, attained
her seventh year on Monday the fourth ult., and was presented
by her parents with a beautiful wax doll, having moveable blue
eyes, in memory of the event.
MASTER GEOBGY GUTTLETON, at DR. SWITCHER'S, Wopham, has
swopped his new pegtop with MASTER TOMMY TOUZLEE for an ounce
of toffee and a broken-handled knife.
MB. JOKES of Cadford has proposed and been accepted by Miss
BROWN of the same place.
MB. BUMPSHUS of Great Boreham is laid up with the mumps.
Miss LUCY EMMA SCBUBS, under-kitchenmaiden to the Honour-
able LADY SPOFFLEU of Slutterford Hall, Snobberwitch, has pur-
chased a new panier for her Sundays out.
Ma. FDNNIMAN of Punborough has at length succeeded in making
a new joke.
MR. MOLLOY CODDLE of the Owlsnest, Little Stewington, sneezed
eleven times on Monday morning last, through incautiously perusing
a damp sheet of the Times.
MR. SAMUEL GUMMIDGB, Junior, of Great Glnmsby, in defiance of
his parents, is growing a moustache.
MR. BUMPER, the respected host of the Green Griffin, Swillborough,
drank eleven pints of porter before lunch on Wednesday last.
MB. SCAPEGRACE of Scamperley, at present staying at Boulogne,
has proposed to meet his creditors on Tuesday the 10th inst.
MASTER GRUKTKR of Pigley-in-the-Hole has happily recovered
from the effects of having eaten too much cake and pudding on bis
birthday, a week since.
Miss SIMPERLEY of Dowdiford appeared in her new bonnet on
Sunday morning last.
MRS. CACKLEIIURY of Great Prattle ton has issued cards of invita-
tion for a tea and muffin party on Thursday the llth inst
MR. JEREMIAH JOBBERS, of the Old Farm, Twiddleton-cum-
Twitterham, has been declined, with thanks, by MIM Aintr.n ANNA
PuBsa, of Laburnum Terrace, Cats worth.
MR. SNIVELLER, of Littlemouth, has been summoned to prescribe
for MRS. PETTIXOTON'S fat pug dog, which has been attacked by
asthma, dyspepsia, and gout.
MRS. RABBETS, of Bigborough, has just presented her husband
with her eleventh son.
MR, JOWLS, of Jawingforth, while cracking nuts last market-day,
was unfortunate enough to fracture four of his front teeth.
MB. BUTCHER, of Great Slaughterham, has, during the past
twelvemonth, killed upwards of eleven hundred little biros with his
own gun.
MBS. BIBLEY'S baby, at Verbena Villa, Cottenham, has been
suffering from the measles and a pimple on its nose.
MASTER SWETTEB, of Dnnceforth Academy, has been detected in
the act of using a crib.
MR. SWALLOW, of Great Gorgewprth, won a wager of five pounds
by eating his own height in Cambridge sausages last Saturday autr-
VOL. LXIII.
180
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
HIS morning, by first post,
a Letter from ENGLE-
MOEE:—
" Dear Colonel,
" Seen Mister Nook.
A. 1. Place for Mr. Pigs,
SfC. Got Refusal. £ s. d.
easy. Jump at it. Wire
back. How about Major
Sideboard? No go? Never
mind. On to old china.
Small cup fifty guineas
not good enough for
" Your little
" EHQLKMORB."
This decides me. Evi-
dently the Nook must be
seen to be appreciated, and
must be seen at once. If
appreciated to be taken.
Nook sounds well. Rural
retreat, old house, gables,
panels, date sixteen hundred, "small pond with gold fish, of same
date probably, swimming about in it. Well wooded, old out-build-
ings, &c. See it all in an impulsive sort of Englemoreish sort of
way. I feel that I must, as he says, jump at it.
Happy Thought. — Telegraph back in same style.
" Jumping at it. Back directly"
Leave my Aunt to go through her course of galvanism (she'll
be "jumping at it" too), sulphur, and baths.
Don't want to see the MOMPISONS again. BEETHA has evidently
no heart.
Happy Thought (Agricultural). — No Heart, like a neglected
lettuce, or cabbage: but am not clear which. Shall know soon,
when I begin gardening in earnest.
KOPFEN, on my last day here, drives me out to see a farm. He
says that he knows the owner, and that it 's a private farm. I find
afterwards that it 's a regular show place, and open to all comers for
a small charge. There 's nothing remarkable about it, except its un-
tidiness. As I see no farm labourers about, no " peasants " in cos-
tumes as there would have been on a stage for instance, the want of
anything like order is perhaps accounted for. A slatternly maid
takes us over the place. First of all into a large stable. ' ' Here," she
says, "are the Pigs." This is evidently meant as a surprise for the
visitor, who has naturally expected to see horses. They are
gigantic pigs, too, of a quick, irritable, and suspicious tempera-
ment. Nothing lazy about them ; no indolence here : and generally
I should say unpromising as to pork.
The Maiden does not like my stopping to inspect, and stands at
the door of the piggery, as much as to say, " Come along. Hers '11
be another party here presently." In truth there is not much to
stop for. The piggery isn't sweet, and we pass out. Across the
yard into an enormous cow-house. All the cows here just the same
as any other cows, anywhere else. Note. Must get up Cows, with a
view to keeping — one, at all events. On consideration, when on the
subject of Cows, one can't well keep less than one.
Happy Thought. — Unless it 's a Calf.
The Chickens are what my farming friend TELFOBD would call a
" measly lot." They are all over the place, in a desultory sort of way.
Well, what next ? What are we going to see now ? I ask KOPFEX.
He 's surprised. What can I want to see, when, in fact, — that 's all.
All? Is this the Farm? This is the Farm. Well, but how about the
Granaries, the Dairy, the Haystacks, the Horses, the implements of
agriculture, the I pause, at a loss for the names of the things I
want to see. I suppose I mean the ploughs, the harrows, the thresh-
ing-machines, but I am not quite sure. The Maid, in answer to
KOPFEN, who repeats my question to her, simply answers that there
is nothing more, and is evidently quite astonished that we 're not
highly delighted and perfectly satisfied. She hints, too, that she will
be much obliged by our dismissing her as soon as possible, as there 's
another lot of sight-seers just driven into the court-yard. We settle
with her for twenty groschen, which is a sum exceeding by one
clear half what she is accustomed to, a generosity on our part so
startling, that she reciprocates it by smilingly informing us that we
can " walk about the grounds as much as we like," to eke out, as it
were, the extra ten groschen.
Having thus relieved her mind of the idea of being under any
obligation to us, she retires, and we stroll into the meadows, where
there is the ruin of some old castle.
As KOPFEN doesn't know any particulars of its history, and as,
without a history, there is nothing particularly interesting about it,
we return to our fly and drive back.
What have I learnt from seeing the German Farm ? That 's the
question for me, and I ask it myself again. I don't know, except
that Pigs can be kept in stables ; and that, under these circum-
stances, which I should consider decidedly unfavourable to pigs, as
pigs, they increase, not in breadth and pig-like qualities, but, by
degrees, in height.
Happy Thought.— Not growing by degrees of latitude, but of
longitude, and altitude.
If one stopped here long enough to watch the "process, perhaps
they would, under the stable confinement, develope into horses.
Happy Thought.— Send, this to DABWIH. See what he thinks of
it. Perhaps he won't think of it, or has thought of it, and rejected
it as a theory.
A sort of a cob-pig, of fourteen hands, would not this be a variety ?
Wonder how the pigs like it ? This is an important question, if
there is anything in the desire of acting so as to " please the pigs."
In some farmyards I've seen cocks, hens, and pigs mixed up
together, wandering about in company, the pigs turning up their
noses with a disdainful grunt at some choice morsels, which, after-
wards, the chicken would peek at with pleasure.
Happy Thought. — In this mixture of Poultry and Pigs, one sees
the first germ of the idea of Eggs and Bacon.
I bid farewell to KOPFEIT and my Aunt, who is 'glad that the
weather has settled into something like warmth, as she detests the
German feather-beds, which "are not," she says, "half so com-
fortable as a good Blatney winket."
Meeting MBS. MOJIPISON and QUOBTESFITE, I politely ask them if
I can do anything for them in England. When I hear them thank
me very much, and when I see them reflecting deeply on what they
do want done for them in England, I wish I hadn't volunteered the
services. While they are thinking over it, so am I,— how to get out
of it. Nothing I hate more than having to execute commissions.
MBS. MOMPISON commences. The narration of "what she wants
me to do for her, if I kindly ,iri]l," occupies about a quarter of an
hour. It is a sort of brief to begin with, with instructions for
Counsel. The object is a lost trunk with, she is afraid, her wrong
address on it, or the address of where they .were, before they went to
Ramsgate, some months ago. The lines on which this trunk has
been carried, and the complications in which it has been involved,
are materials for a novel in three volumes. Will I, she asks, kindly
call and inquire of the people (this is a trifle vague) — the people at the
London and North Western, or, if not there, at St. Pancras Station,
whence it might have been sent on to Charin? Cross. At all events
if I'd only kindly find out how it has been .delayed (because it 's got,
she says, three of our dresses in it), and just direct it on to them at
Aachen, she would be so much obliged. 0, and by the way (another
commission) she left a parasol to be repaired at the man's (which
I 'm supposed to know) in Bond Street, and if it 's finished it would
be no trouble just to put it into the box and send it.
Happy Thought. — Not to ask how box is to be opened. See (so
to speak) in the closed box, an opening out of the difficulty.
She has some other little matters, with which, however, she
will not trouble me, because it will really be imposing too much on
my good-nature. Unluckily, I smile, and look as pleased as pos-
sible, which encourages her to confide in me so much further as to
request, that, if I am passing by Portland Place, would I be so very
kind just to look in and see how they 're getting on with the house,
and ask if they've tuned the piano since they've been away,
or not.
I promise and vow, and she thanks me as heartily as if it were all
done. Hope she '11 take the will for the deed. Rather think she '11
have to. FOBTESCUE wants me to go to his Club, and ask about some
letters, and to him I reply (having had a dose of commissions by this
time) that I will if I 've time.
Happy Thought.— Shan't have time. Once at a distance can
write and apologise.
It rains as I quit Aachen : it generally does rain at Aachen, and
does it thoroughly too, perhaps providentially, to keep the sulphur
cool. Music is going on in the garden of the Kurhaus, and waiters
are carrying umbrellas and coffee to the visitors under the alcoves.
There is to be a grand illumination in those gardens to-night, and
at least three extra gaslights have been added to the attractions.
As I drive to the Station, I see Polytechnic students, with scarred
faces, in small caps (how they keep them on their heads is a perfect
wonder), swaggering, with small ivory-knobbed canes, about the
place. They affect tight breeches and high riding-boots : their chief
jbject, apparently, is to deceive the public into the idea that
they 've just come off horseback. I never saw, to my knowledge, a
student on horseback. Perhaps they keep one among them by sub-
scription, and mount him outside the town for practice. Officers
are swaggering, too ; anyone, in any sort of uniform, swaggering.
Policemen swaggering, until there 's a sign of a row, when they
carefully absent themselves. Two drunken men are hugging one
another in the middle of the road (not an uncommon thing in
Aachen either), and just manage to struggle into safety —
there evidently being a difference of opinion between them, up to the
NOVEMBER 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
181
ast moment, as to whether they shall have themselves run over, or
not. The majority— the bigger man — settles it, and they choose the
futter.
Nearer the Station. There 's a handsomely proportioned church :
t is usually more or less full, and often crowded. They are a devo-
tional people ; and in order to make the churches like a home to
the worshippers, they are fitted up with spittoons and sawdust.
" The Germans," says my friend FOETESCUE in his easy-going,
gloomy way, " se dicisent en tlcuj- parties : cntjc qui crachent, et ceuf
i/iii in- crachent pas. Only," he adds, " the latter I 've never met."
1 rebuke him for this sweeping allegation by commencing a review
of Continental manners and customs, and am about to ask him what,
on this particular point, he has to say to America, when the train
surprises us— by its punctuality — and. in another four minutes I
am off.
Happy Thought. — Germany, farewell ! Belgium again.
More Happy Thoughts.— England. Now, then, for Mister Pigs !
MY CATS NINE TALES.
APROPOS of PKTER TAILOR
And his horror of the cat
That, in sturdy hands of gaoler,
Gives garotters tit for tat,
Late I heard my Puss a-purring,
On the hearth-rug where he lay,
With a soft electric stirring
Of his tail, in graceful play,—
" It strikes me that he who to whipcord's abrasion
Of the back of a brute in the shape of a man,
Prefers the soft workings of mild moral suasion,
Though a Taylor, can scarce be the ninth of a man ;
I say, brutes by brute sufl" ring can be«t be got at—
And that 's the first tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" That because the most hardened garotting offender
Howls at sight of the lash, it is cruel to flog,
Is a notion that, if it prove TAYLOR'S heart tender,
Proves even more clearly his head in a fog ;
To me the rogues' dread snows the punishment pat—
And that 's the next tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" When one thinks of the style of garotters' attacking,
The coward assault from behind, three to one ;
The hug that the sufferer's spine may be cracking,
The blow in the chest that may slay or may stun :
One feels there 's much virtue in old ' tit for tat' —
And that 's the third tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" That humanity e'en prison-discipline reaches,
And that Justice for Mercy finds place more and more,
Is a truth, thank our stars, that all history teaches ;
Which yet gives no warrant, if thumbed o'er and o'er,
For the softness of spoon, or the folly of flat —
And that 's the fourth tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" There are ruffians whose sole terror terror of blows is,
Whose skins are as soft as their hearts are of stone,
Who can gammon the chaplain with piety's poses,
And, with tongues in their cheeks, ape repentance's groan :
For whom word without blow will be ne'er verbum tat. —
And that 'B the fifth tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" Instead of this squeamish abhorrence of flogging,
I 'm sorry we don't trust its virtues still more ;
Wife-beaters, child-torturers, try with a slogging,
That, if hearts can't be touched, backs at least might make
Would so much of their dues coward ruffians but gat ! —
And that 's the sixth tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" If lex talionis might plead for a hearing,—
And there 's something in lex talionts, no doubt, —
The triangles, I think, we should oftener be rearing,
And the cat from the bag would be oft'ner let out,
If garotted to sentence garotters but sat—
And that 's the seventh tale of my nine," quoth the tat.
" There 's an old Latin proverb, for charity fitting,
But as well to the lash, when deserved, it applies :
I maintain that the Judge to some purpose is sitting,
Who, with ruffians to doom, at the Cat never shies,
But rather than once ' bis ' and ' cito,' too, dat—
And that's the eighth tale of my nine," quoth the Cat.
" Spite of spoony P. TAYLOKS and toft JACOI .
We will trust to stern sense, and look lucU in the face :
Brutes we '11 Hog, whene'er needful to let wrongs to-right*,
Nor put back the Cat witli nine tails in iu case.
Till garotters and rullians shall mind what they 're at—
And that 's the hut tale of my nine," quoth th« Cmt.
THE LABOURING UPPER CLASSES.
RULY OREAT MR. PuKCII,
/AM not a great man.
I am glad that I cannot
be called upon to lay a
first stone, or preside at
a charity dinner, or sit
for a full- sized portrait,
or receive deputations, or
distribute prues, or —
award them. I lay par-
ticular stress on this fast-
mentioned misfortune of
greatness, from having
recently read in the
Athentrvm the following
announcement : — " MR.
PEEK'S offer of three
prizes for a* many origi-
nal essays on the Estab-
lished Church of England
has been responded to by
no fewer than 103 candi-
date*. The perusal and
consideration of these
MS. exenues, many of
great length, are now
occupying the judges, the
Master of the Temple,
the REV. DR. HBSSEY, and LORD SALISBURY ; but so laborious is
this work of examination, that the writers must not expect the
anal decision for six or eight months at least from this time."
1 hope, Mr. Punch, your greatness has never exposed von to such
hardships as the Master of the Temple, DR. HESSBY, and the MAR-
QUIS OF SALISBURY, must now be undergoing. If the Athenttum
had said that the final decision was not to be expected " for six or
eight years at least," I should not have been at all surprised. One
can imagine that, after perusing and considering, say sixty essays,
even such pillars of the Church as DR. VAUOHAS, DR. HESSEY, and
LORD SALISBURY, might feel their zeal for the Establishment re-
laxed, and be disposed to take a more lenient view of the proceed-
ings of MR. MIALL and MR. MORLEY. They can have no leisure,
no rest, no enjoyment of life while the examination of these 103
MS. exercises (many of them, probably, badly written in two
senses) is in progress—" in the intervals of business they must be
always, not essay writing, as another great man once was, but essay
reading. It requires no very lively fancy to depict the three Judges
as reading essays at breakfast, reading essays in bed, reading essays
in railway carriages and other public and private conveyances,
reading essays in their walks, reading essays in their dreams, until,
if such a thing were possible, they must almost wish themselves
Nonconformists, or inhabitants of some ideal state, where prize
essays are as much unknown as prize cats or prize fighters.
But perhaps the Judges do not read the essays, only meet together
from time to time for coffee, and hear the exercises read aloud by a
chaplain or secretary, for whose sufferings one feels compassion, but
in a less degree, because there is probably some attempt made to re-
munerate him for his labour*. If so, let us hope that sleep never
overtakes his listeners, and that they are as cheerful, as good-
humoured, and in as full and perfect possession of their judicial
faculties after the tenth essay as they were at the conclusion of tne
I will only add one more reflection. There are but three prizes ;
there are one hundred and three candidates. There will, therefore,
be exactly one hundred aggrieved and disappointed "••T";
about in Society, who for the rest of their Uves, or. at »U«™nta,
until some other benevolent individual calls their literary powers
again into being, will consider the Master of the Temple, th*B
DB HESSBY, and the MAKQCTS OF SALISBURY, as utterly in
to discern true merit, and three of the most over-rated persoi
Vf conclude as I began. I am glad I am an obscure person, and not
a great man, to have my photograph in the shop windows, ai
will in the newspapers, and to be Able to be calfcd upon to adjudi-
cate on one hundred and three Prize Essays.
UOH '
182
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1872.
OUR COUNTRYMEN ABROAD.
AKP, THAT I NEVEE FEEL BEALLY SAFE FROM
(innocently). " AND WHAT DO THE— A— SOUTH DANVBIANS SAY, MB. SHODDY }"
Mr. Shoddy. " / ALWAYS SAY, MBS. SHARP, THAT I NEVER FEEL EEALLY SAFE FROM THE UBIQUITOUS BKITISH Ssoa TILL I AM
SOUTH OP THE DANUBE 1 "
ANTinOAEZ ZYMHAGEIZ.
Messages exchanged by Electric Wire between Adelaide and London,
October 21, 1872.
THE way to compass Puck's grand feat we 'ye found
In half the time prompt Puck allotted to it ;
A girdle round about the earth we 've bound,
Nor taken twenty minutes, e'en, to do it.
From the Antipodes that, sole to crown,
By force centripetal us Britons fit to,
Come greetings— strange to say, not upside down —
Of Adelaide's Lord Mayor to London's ditto !
The tie that hitherto has bound us fast
Was one of gold, but, thank the electric fire,
Our bond henceforth is likelier to last,
Though 'tis but a few strands of copper wire.
Henceforth one spirit couples pole with pole,
One British heart beats through our severed mettle :
With you, Antipodes, we 're one in soul ;
You still at home, howe'er far off you settle.
From Hellas when her colonists went forth,
They took a brand from their home's temple fire :
You, happier, 'twixt your South and our North,
Can flash your warmth of kindred through the wire.
From that wide world of mighty fates unread,
Where seasons stand reversed and nature new,
Still through that wire be thoughts fraternal sped,
Keeping Australian hearts and English true.
A SAINT FOB, A SOVEREIGN.
THE telegraph people did blunder in reporting the POPE to have
instanced our EDWARD THE SIXTH as a virtuous monarch who pro-
moted the happiness of his people. Here, from the Correspondent
of the Post, at Rome, is . a correct account of what His Holiness
really said about another sovereign on the occasion when he was
stated to have commended that one : —
"The POPE then went on to laud the virtues of St. Edward, King of
England, whose festival was registered in the calendar on that day, the
founder of Westminster Abbey, who wrote to Pope NICHOLAS THE SECOND
on its completion, professing his 'obedience and subjection.' But besides
meritorious works in favour of the Church, this king relieved hia subjects.
' He found too many duties, too many taxes, so he abolished them, obtaining
thereby the respect, esteem, and love of his people. He was a model to kings
of all virtues, and especially that of chastity. Although a king sitting on a
throne, he was chaste to such a degree that, with the consent of the Queen, he
never occupied the conjugal couch." "
By leaving no heir St. Edward promoted the happiness of his
subjects in a measure which they failed to appreciate. They did
not thank their childless king for the Norman conquest so much as
the POPE, apparently, thinks they ought to Lave done. They had
to thank EDWABD. dying without issue, for WILLIAM THE FIRST
and for RUFUS, and did not thank him at all — unless His Holiness
has decided that they did, and then they did of course. But it is
droll that the telegraph should have made the POPE confound
EDWAED THE CONFESSOB with EDWAED THE SIXTH, who probably,
in the Papal estimation, differ from one another considerably more
than ALEXANDEB THE GREAT differs from ALEXANDER the Copper-
smith.
FROM THE EMBANKMENT.
" RICH Benchers, why this hideous boarding ;
So full of wealth, why take to hoarding ? "
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBER 3, 1871
XlW 'X
ASTR^EA REDUX!!
SIR OLIVER SURFACE (MR. Brat). " HERE COMES THE INCARNATION OF ALL THE VIRTUES. OF COURSE,
SIR PETER, YOU'LL PRAISE THE NEW LORD CHANCELLOR ? "
SIR PETER TEAZLB (MR. PUNCH). " WAIT A BIT, SIB OLIVER. THIS IS A D-D WICKED WORLD, AND THE
FEWER PEOPLE WE PRAISE THE BETTER." School for Scandal (tlighlly alUrtd).
NOVEMBER 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
lit
PACIFIC TRIUMPHS.
Ai for the piece, it is full of strong litoatiooi, inartutically led up
to. As to the writing. Mitt Chester's part is very good, and not a
word is lost by
MB. LIN RATNK, as Rupert, the really ill-treated outcast, took
all he got in the most good-natured m*nn«r possible ; and when
after> being most forcibly told, by his supposed mother, who he
•— i *, he. with a strong sense of the humour of his position, at
seized on the comic side of the picture, and asked, " Then who
wasn't
OBM
when he uttered these words, he quite carried the audience with
KIUM i'H again attends en-
lightened policy and arbi-
tration ! San Juan is lost
to us by the award of KM-
I'KROB WILLIAM. Let it
go. The Americans have
succeeded in getting our
money. Now let them take
our land also. All the
world will see that we have
the courage of oar pacific
principles, and mankind
will applaud our heroic
self - abnegation. Popu-
larity will reward it and
encourage perseverance in
it. Go on. Sic itur ad who am I P " and the question certainly did suggest a heap of d
astro. Excelsior!— pardon culties, all (from Rupert's humorous point of view) more or leu
tor the clog Latin. Spain comic.
would fain reclaim Gib- Then there was Michael Fortescue, a reprobate whose head of
raltar. lo yield it to the hair alone was quite enough to have led him into any amount of
Spaniards at once, without villainy. No doubt he must have descended to various crafty
our saying a word, not to dodges in order to support that wig. It is true that, at the end of
him, and the house couldn't help chuckling.
Your Representative called to mind this same gentleman, a most
conscientious actor, in a play called The Ttcu Thorns (or MOM such
title, so as to be as like as possible to the successful Tux, Rom),
where he distinguished himself in a very funny speech, with a laprui
lingua in it, about what a young lady had said to him. There was
much the same tone and manner about the above-mentioned " TVn
our Government wUl refer
the demand for Gibraltar
to arbitration too. To Be-
having been unable to earn enough money for pomatum or dye, he
has— I mean the wig has— become grey.
The Earl of Montressor looked quite the nobleman — with a cold.
cure England against the posBible partiality of any other European His mother, a very hearties, person, really oughtto have insS^
authority, let the referee be the POPE. Or, to make asronnce of npon hot bath ana mustard 6l*ste7at night Tind lozenge, d.
unbiassed and disinterested judgment doubly sore, suppose we say
the President of the United States.;
OUR EEPfiESENTATIVE MAN.
I REPRESENTED You, Sir, at the Holborn Theatre the other even-
ing. I fancy I informed yon of the fact last week, when I remarked
on the fine acting of MBS. HKBMAXJT VE/.IN as Mas Chester. You
ore not easily pleased, though sometimes you pretend to be. I have
noticed these phases of your moon, Sir, and believe me I am never
forgetful of your dignity. I am anxious for your reputation as an
acute critic, and it would do your heart good to see my frown, my
shake of the head, my permissive nod to the audience (as much as to
say, " now applaud, go it ! "), and in fact my entire demeanour when
representing You in the stalls, or in a private box. You, Sir, have some
old-fashioned ideas about a seat in the pit being the place for a critic.
Well, go there and welcome, with an orange. You may be happier
there than in the gilded saloons above ; but as Your Representative
I can't do it, and, what is more, I won't. My white tie represents
your white tie (only such a much more perfect affair than yours, which,
permit me to say, you manage somehow to make a muddle of), and
my evening dress represents your evening dress, only that my velvet
collar, brass buttons, pearl and coral studs, my Hashing wristbands,
and my tout ensemble make you shine with such an additional lustre,
that when Your Representative appears in the lobby, at seven forty-
five P.M., the boxkeepers can only control their feelings by crying
" Here he is ! " This, Sir, is You. While you are by your own fire-
side, I am thus sacrificing myself to the fogs, and you are sitting by
Cr logs ; while I am risking cold and damp, you are reading by your
p. But halt, Pegasus! 1 dismount. Sir, I am at the Holborn.
The bill, I notice, informs me that the original drama called Miss
Chester IB " by FLORENCE MARRY AT and SIB CHARLES YOUNG." In
my ignorance (representing You, Sir, of course) of the etiquette of
announcements such as this, I want to inquire why the gentleman's
title is mentioned and not the lady's ?
Supposing the play were by MR. BROWN and MRS. SMITH (by kind
permission of MR. SM ITH, of course) would it be either proper, or pretty,
to print in the bill that the drama was by SMITH and MR. BROWN r
It doesn't look well, does it ? Yet the cases are surely parallel. Or
say it was LADY SMITH (by kind permission of LORD SMITH) and
MR. BROWN who wrote it, would it be either correct, or nice, to say
this piece is by LADY SMITH and BROWN P Or if Miss GEOROINA
ROBINSON and MR. CRUSOE had been collaborateurs, shall we an-
nounce the authors publicly as MR. CRUSOE and GEORGIN A ROBIN-
SON.? Isn't it paying a great respect to MB. CRUSOE, and being
uncommonly familiar with GEOROINA ? This, Sir, is what evidently
struck You at once, and as Your Representative I am unable to
answer the poser. So much for the bill, which, in other respects, is
a very nice bill, and is, thank Heaven ! neither ornamented with
namby-pamby, flimsy lace-paper edges which tear, nor scented
with a sickly odour, nor covered with the irrepressible advertisements.
night, and lozenges during
the day. The part U one that interests the audience, especially at
this time of ye«r.
Isabel, the orphan ward, was charming, making allowances for her
as an orphan and a ward. When she. in the last Act, elided down to
the footlights, clasped her hands, looked up to the gallery, and said,
" Is it a dream '( I seem to hear his footsteps " — or words to tint-effect
— .eaning the f ooUteps of her lover, whom everyone had seen killed
tion of humour), is alive and well, and is actually — you'd i
believe it, if it wasn't Rupert all over, the sly dog !— stealing
behind her while she 's speaking about him,— I say, when thi
in the Second Act, hut who, (it being Rupert with his old apprecia-
1 -you'd scarcely
_ —stealing down
__.«»vmii»,— * say. when this young
lady was going through this soliloquy, and when, having ended it,
she fell with a squeak — I mean shriek— into Rupert's arms— just
like him, the funny outcast ! — when all this happened, didn't \our
Representative applaud Rupert, the humorous outcast, and Isabel,
the white muslin orphan '( Rather ! But what I want to know is,
who chose the paper for Lady Montressor's drawing-room, in the
Third Act ? The montressor family must have been curiously fond
of gorgeous colours, or perhaps they had let Montressor Castle for a
term, and, in their absence, the tenant, some monied greengrocer
or cheesemonger, had papered it, according to his own t*ste. Bat,
emphatically, I never !
In such an apartment some very strong situation was absolutely
necessary in order to distract your eye from that paper. So here we
unite mother and son, wife and husband, and the curtain descend*
upon a lot of people who [are evidently going to live happily ever
afterwards. By the way, what a dreadful thing it is for an actor
to have to fight against a past success. When MR. YOUKO came on
as Annishaw the Lawyer (playing it well and carefully) what a
number of people about whispered to one another as they gradually
found him out, " Why, that > the Little Wee Dog ! " and appeared
really quite hurt when he didn't favour the company with that
celebrated ditty, a proceeding which, except in moments of private
social enjoyment, would have been highly indecorous. The audience
got accustomed to him in Annishaw. and, I am glad to say did not
demand the Little Wee Doa for the twe-thousandth time. Your
Representative was immensely interested'.in the deportment of three
Italian villains in evening drees, who, in the Second Act, submitted to
hear themselves abated, blackguarded, and their corrupt practices de-
nounced by Rupert, in a spirit of the most Christian forbearance.
They lost their temper just once, and gesticulated in an explanatory
way to one another ; bat, on the whole, their bearing was exemplary.
I was not sorry, judging from appearances, to hear that they were
swindlers, and I sincerely trust that they never paid the Italian
tailor who provided them with their evening costume.
Finally, as to the plot, as Your Representative (Yon, Sir, are not
quick at plots) I say that once get over the difficulty of Lady Montre*-
sor's sister-in-law being in the house and calling herself Mi** Clutter
for many yean (I fancy eighteen was the number) without being
recognised by any visitor, or by any one of the family happening to
make an afternoon call, is more than I can understand. Either the
Montressors, all, were very unsociable and never visited one another,
186
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1872.
THE NEXT MORNING.
So VEBY STIFF AFTEB THE FIRST DAT IN STUBBLE AND TURNIPS I AND TIISN TO BE CAUGHT ON THE AECHIKY GROUND AFTER
BKEAKFAST 1
or they were blind. Fortescue, not having seen her for as long a time,
recognises her instantly. However, the greater the improbability
the more startling the i>lay, and if solely on account of MRS. VEZIN'S
acting, Miss Chester will well repay a visit.
SUCCESS TO SELBOKNE.
am I, for a pious man,
Throughout the country known,
Afford to keep a conscience can,
And, that I can, have shown.
The Irish Church to disendow
A sacrilege I deemed ;
To disestablish it, also,
A flagrant sin esteemed.
Three years and more I let go by,
Ere I would office take.
My conscience it did satisfy
That sacrifice to make.
Time some have found fir fast since then ;
For me that time was long.
Now conscience lets me join the men
Who did what I thought wrong.
In due time conscience wrong digests ;
Bids bygones bygones be.
From scruples vain sets statesmen's breasts,
At least the lawyers', free.
Great things of worth and intellect,
Forebode, dear friends, you do.
May I turn out all you expect ; -
[You will, LOBJ) SELBOBNE, too ! — P.]
A YOGI ON THE KOOS.
A LECTURE on the subject of Mesmerism quoted in the Spiritualist
newspaper, contains a passage which seems to have been written for
illustration. It describes an Indian sage, in an extreme state of the
reverie which other Orientals name Keff : —
" SELF-MESMERISM IN INDIA.
" In India devotees whose principal aim it is to realise what they call ' the
emancipation of the spirit,' are called Yogis. They adopt a system of self-
mesmerism. YAUOHAN, speaking of one of them, says, ' He planteth him-
self firmly on a spot that is undetiled, neither too high nor too low, and sittcth
upon the sacred grass, which is called koos, covered with a skin and a cloth.
Then he whose business is the restraining of his passions should sit with his
mind fixed on one object alone ; in the exercise of his devotion for the purifi-
cation of his soul, keeping his head, his neck, and his body steady, without
motion — his eyes fixed on the point of his nose, looking at no other place
around.' "
We should be very much obliged to LOBD NOETHBEOOK, or any
other friend in India, who would have the kindness to send us a
good photograph of a self -mesmerising Yogi squatted on the koos.
With his eyes fixed on, and converging towards, the point of the
intervening feature, the Yogi would of course present to the beholder
a most fearful squint — a case of temporary strabismus, which, to be
imagined, demands reminiscence of the effect on the visual organs
produced by a wafer that a naughty little clown of a boy has clan-
destinely stuck on the tip of the nose of a baby.
Thought in Trafalgar Square.
THE anniversary of the battle of Trafalgar occurred on the 21st
October. In connection therewith may be mentioned a criticism
which may perhaps have occurred to a foreigner contemplating
NELSON'S monument in Trafalgar Square. Nothing can be more
natural than SIB EDWIN LANDSEER'S Lions — but look at their lower
jaws. The Lions are all chap-fallen.
NOVEMBER 2, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
187
A SOLEMN ADMONITION.
' Now, TEA-KETTLE I DON'T YOU Sma ON A SUNDAY 1 '
STANZAS TO A SPY.
HOBIBT, upon Duty's Beat,
Pleased I mark you when patrolling,
Thanks for order in the street.
And the traffic still kejit rolling,
And on loitering Cad, an eye,
Watchful of hit acts, for keeping,
Or on gutter-urchin aly
After ancient Fogy creeping.
:r, restiff roughs with staff
Prod, till patriot* roar with dolour.
In thy manly clutch I laugh
When I see the rascal's collar.
ROIIKKI , yon do more than well
When you seize the foul garotter,
Or to more on do compel
Hyde Park demagogue and plotter.
ROBERT, nobody I know
Do I view with more affection
Than yourself, to whom I owe
Preservation and protection.
When I speak of you, I gush.
With enthusiastic fervour.
Crasher, thieves ordained to crush !
My Protector and Preserver !
ROBERT, you I do revere,
To repeat I take occasion,
As I do the Grenadier
Who defends me from invasion.
Native rascals you repress
As he would repel the stranger ;
And your service nowise less.
Rather more, is one of danger.
Then " Good Bobhy ! " I exclaim.
But when I employed behold you
At Informer's work, " For shame I
Bobby, fie ! " I say, and scold you.
Into taverns when you sneak,
Spy, disguised, of high-placed Snobby,
Then I cry—" Have you the cheek f
Naughty BOBBY, naughty BOBBY 1 "
TOLL-DE-ROL-LOL !
BLESS the Board of Works ! It proposes to abolish the Tolls of
all the Metropolitan Bridges. This would be a great boen to the
owners of vehicles, to travellers by cab, and to a good many work-
people living south of the River. But the redemption of the Tolls
will cost money ; and the proposal of the Board of Works is to I
redeem them at the Londoners' expense. What will the Londoners
in general get in return for their Coal and Wine Duties, or their
Hates, by means of whose augmentation this great boon, that is to
say, gratuity, is to be conferred on the above-named classes ? The
suburban highway-tolls, most, if not all, of them, have now been
done away with for some time-to the great advantage of the horse
and carriage-keeping classes. To the pedestrian ratepayer in mode-
rate circumstances, who never takes a cab except to save time, or
expense worse than that of cab-hire, the gain may he calculated,
from personal experience, to have been, on an average, from sixpence
to two shillings or half-a-crown a year. The loss may be estimated
at about 'four guineas yearly by increased highway rates. His
omnibus fares remain at their old figures, and even if they had been
somewhat lowered, that would signify little to him, who, taxed as
he is overhead and ears, can ill afford to ride in an omnibus even,
and never does if he can walk without getting wet and spoiling his
clothes. _ His pecuniary profit, therefore, by the abolition of tolls is,
by a very considerable amount, less than nothing. But then he '
enjoys the vivid pleasure and the proud consciousness of reflecting
that he has contributed handsomely to lighten the expenses of some of
his fellow-subjects, most of them a great deal better off than himself .
He feels the honour thus devolved upon him very acutely ; but still,
on the whole, he would rather contribute only his fair share to the
charges of the public thonraghfares.
Wnen the ratepayer, ordinarily pedestrian, leaves London, or its
neighbourhood, for a sojourn in the country, and, whilst there,
happens to be obliged to travel otherwise than by foot, he nnds
himself stopped at intervals of very few miles, with a demand for
threepence, or sixpence, or more, turnpike-toll. He thus pays to
maintain the highways for his friends the farmers and landed
gentry, and the richer class of independent persons and shopkeepers.
But when any of those people come up to Town, and ride, or drive,
or are driven, about in nis vicinity, they find themselves altogether
denied the due satisfaction of contributing one farthing to the cost
of his roads which they are using. He, therefore, highly as be
applauds the design of throwing open the Bridges over the Thames,
and, much as he admires that truly generous idea, would, with due
consideration for the no less generous feelings of the country at
large, applaud very much more highly and more warmly admire by
a very great deal, the notion of making the extinction of the
Metropolitan Bridge Tolls part of a general scheme for doing awmy
with all manner of tolls, whether highway or byeway, throughout
the whole of the United Kingdom whatsoever. This view of
Metropolitan Toll Abolition will perhaps commend itself to Metro-
politan ratepayers at large.
Trade Imitation.
f ' THB New Tea Spirit Robur " has been so much advertised that
one wonders the title of that exhilarating liquor has not been
parodied by some rival speculator. As tea is to oak-leaves, so is
coffee to acorns, and by this time an imitative genius might hare hit
upon the idea of advertising " The New Coffee Spirit, Quercns."
"Among the bouzing Bacchanalian Centaur*."
WE see advertised, " Bouzy " Champagne. A misprint here would
have been a serious matter, for what a difference a single k
makes! No respectable person would think of offijnng his guest
" boozy" Champagne.
waoiro nr THI HEAD.
MRS. MALAPBOP, whose acquaintance with surgical terms is evi-
dently somewhat imperfect persists in saying that she once knew a
man who was successfully Japanned.
188
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 2, 1872.
WHAT NEXT?"
Affable Stranger (to Country Gentleman, who was just thinking of going out with his Gun for an hour or two). " ANT BIRDS t"
The Squire (uncertain as to the inquirer's identity, answers politely, but in depressed tone). " EH ?— No— NONE ! "
Affable, Stranger. " AH ! IT 's JUST THE SAME AT OUR PLACE ! "
TJie Squire (seeing a chance of enlightenment). " 0, INDEED! WHERE — "WHBKE ARE TOT; SPEAKING OF ?"
A/dble Stranger. "An, jus' so! GOOD MORNING !" (Hands him his Card, and drives off.)
The Squire (reads). " ' HOLBOHN ! SMITHERS AND SON ! GROCERS! WHOLESALE PIUCES !!'" [TABLSAV 1 1 1
OCT. 18.— LETTER- WRITING, POLITE AND MINISTERIAL.
WHITES MAGUIRE :— " Very dear MISTER GLADSTONE,
In a gaol — not oifree but of sad stone,
You 've cooped up poor DAVITT,
We Irish won't have it,
So loose him, my dear MISTEB GLADSTONE."
Writes GLADSTONE : — Dear MISTEB MAGUIRE,
Touching DAVITT I sent to inquire,
I forward B.'s letter,
P.8. Are you better ?
I hope so, dear MISTER MAGTJIRE."
Writes our " Home " Ruler :— " Dear MISTEE G.
Oar D's points are two — mind, not ' three.'
Of these one ain't true,
And the other 's not new.
P.S. He don't grumble, not he."
Growls JOHN BULL :— " Come, the sooner the better
You stop all this writing of letter.
What ! argue and reason
With dastardly Treason,
Pshaw ! rather the cat or the fetter."
Ale or Opium ?
THE Chinese immigrants at the East end of London are teaching
the population of that region to smoke opium. The knowledge of
this fact must make SIR WILFRID LAWSON and his associates
redouble their endeavours to destroy the liquor trade.
THE WRONG MAN ANYHOW.
A DISSOLUTION of Parliament may not be far off. In the mean-
while isolated elections occur. A rational elector is often at a diffi-
culty to decide whom to vote for ; often, perhaps, decides on not
voting at all, as any vote would be simply a choice of evils.
However, when you do not otherwise know whom to vote for, you
may be enabled to determine by knowing whom to vote against.
The United Kingdom Alliance lately held a meeting in the Free
Trade Hall at Manchester — just the place for it; for don't they
want to prohibit the liquor-trade F Then and there they announced
their resolution'to vote at elections for no candidate who would not
pledge himself to support their Permissive Prohibitory Bill. Free
and independent elector, it is well to be taught by Freedom's
enemies.
Make a point of voting against the candidate, no matter whom-
soever, in a contested election, who will not distinctly promise to
oppose the Permissive Prohibitory Bill with all his might.
There will then be this great difference between you and the
United Kingdom Allies. They, in voting exclusively for a candi-
date committed to go in for a Liquor Law, will, in many instances,
vote to the exclusion of a man of worth and ability.
You, if you vote against the nominee of the United Kingdom
Alliance, will be sure of voting against a tyrant, a prig, a fanatic, a
fool, or a humbug.
A Deep Subject.
CAREFUL naturalists, who have devoted much time and attention
to ichthyological studies, tell us that, after long and patient investi-
gation, they have arrived at the conclusion that if fishes have , a
language, it is most probably Finnish.
Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 7A, Holford Square, in the Pamh of St. Janvs.Clerkenwell.m the County of Middlesex, at the Printing offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Brans, A Co., Lombard
Street, In the Precinct of Whitefriara, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— SITOIOIT, November a, 187a.
NOVEMBER 9, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
1M
•'
,W:
GEOGRAPHY ON 'CHANGE.
Portly Stocl-joller (gloomily). " THOSE BONDS ARK DOWN AGAIN ! IT APPEARS
THE AMERICANS HAVE TAKEN UMBRAGE "
Stumpy Ditto. " THE DEUCE THEY HAVE ! WHEREABOTTTS is THAT 1 " ! !
THE BRITISH WILLOW.
SIKO hey for disestablishment !
King ho fur disendowment !
Sure wasn't Irish discontent
All banished in a moment '•
A Church, that 's all, was then made free
Of station and possession ;
Abandoned on a policy
Of resolute conoessiun.
Like perseverance there is nought.
Go on as we've tn-irun t<>.
And soon Great Britain will be brought
One fine large Island unto.
Ourselves we disendowed have found,
Already, of some treasure,
And likewise of San Juan's ground,
Whose worth we didn't measure.
Of scarce four millions disendowed,
What recks the British Nation ':
What of that other loss, now owed
To foreign arbitration '•
Brave servants hath our gracious QCIEN,
In popular opinion,
Though disestablished she has been
In some of her dominion.
The Castor Fiber, sharp of nose
When hunter's dogs pursue him,
Himself.says Fable, disendows —
JOHN BULL, be like unto him,
Of land, when coveted, or pelf,
So disendowed as beaver,
And disestablished so, by self,
Become in soul a weaver.
Sinj Rule Jlrilannia now no more.
Sin? small, on milk for potion.
Sing disestablished, JOHN, on shore,
And disendowed on ocean :
The song of Peace at any Price :
From kicks whilst yon are tender.
Still be our cry, " Self-sacrifice ! "
Our motto still " Surrender ! "
NOVEMBER NOTES.
THERE will be two new moons this month, but they will not both
be visible at the same time.
Any day we may have foggy weather ; and, as the Michaelmas
Law Term began on the second, any day we may expect pettifogging
behaviour.
In the pocket-book we use, the only entry opposite the Fifth is
"Sun sets 4h. 24m.," which can hardly be looked upon as an his-
torical event. But in some parts of the country the discovery of the
Gunpowder Plot by the detective police in the reign of JAHES THE
FIRST OF ENGLAND AND SIXTH OF SCOTLAND (hence Scotland Yard),
continues to be celebrated with fireworks and a fair amount of
drinking ; and all over the kingdom people still make guys of them-
selves on the Fifth of November.
Cambridge Term divides at noon on the eighth ; which event,
fraught with so much importance both to Church and State, is made
known to the University by all the College clocks striking the hour
of noon. This is probably not the only division which will take
place in the Term.
Saturday the Ninth. PBINCE OF WALES'S day (many happy
returns to your Koyal Highness, is Mr. Punch's homely, hearty
ureeting), Lord Mayor's Day (why not Lord Mayor and Sheriffs'
Day, for they have to pay part of the bill ?), Illustrated Newspapers'
Day, Country Cousins' Day, Pickpockets' Day, and Policemen's
Day.
Friday the Fifteenth. Partial Eclipse of the Moon. It will be
visible in Norfolk, Suffolk, and Essex, and generally in the Eastern
Counties, in the West Riding of Yorkshire, the environs of London
and Skye, at Greenwich and Woolwich, and by the night police,
smugglers, and the late Lord Mayor and Sheriffs.
Saturday the Thirtieth. St. Andrew's Day. Anniversary festival
of the Scottish Corporation. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER,
as a very careful, cautious, saving man, chosen this year to take the
chair.
Nothing else noteworthy in the month, except the star-showers,
which, although they have now occurred for a number of years, do not
seem to have caused any vacancies in the sky on a fine starlit night ;
and the welcome return of the Scolopax rutticola to our woods ana
(on toast} to our mahogany dining-tables.
MODERN ENGLISH FARE.
Too much of a good thing, we know,
Is sometimes to be had ;
More often, in this world of woe,
Too much of one that 's bad.
Toufouri perdrix will cloy, they sty ;
Yet make a shift could I
To dine off partridge every day ;
But can't stand Humble pie.
That, of all dishes, I like least ;
I cram it ; but I find
That far is that continual feast
From a contented mind.
No for an Answer.
Orthodox but clote-fltted Rector (in answer to lolieilation from
Bishop on behalf of Building Fund). Subscribe to new Church, my
Lord Y Sorry to decline, your Lordship, but can't possibly, and never
could, subscribe to anything beyond the Thirty-nine Articles.
A GREENGROCER'S WATCH.— A Turnip.
VOL. LXIII.
190
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1872.
$)unri) at
ND now, Tobias, my dog, let us converse de omnibus
rebus, et quibusdam aliis. The gushing shall be
mine, yours the cynicism. You know that the
word is derived from a certain Greek "one. Not
that you are a " surly dog." Answer me not but
with your tail, Toby, to adapt the phrase of Morose in the Silent Woman.
You know no silent women, Toby* The ancient gibe is unworthy of you,
even though you are a beast. Have you been descending to the company ot
gents, or wags, or the Stock Exchange? Be a scholar and a gentleman,
like SIR WALIEK SCOTT'S Maida.
On whose tomb that true gentleman, the Master, wrote a false Latin
quantity, and then behaved in the right chivalrous way, avowing his blunder,
and refusing the escape that was gallantly offered him by LOCKHART.
LADY BECKER, sometime Miss O'NEILL, is gone. Elderly gentlemen say
that there was never such a Juliet, but elderly gentlemen have kindly memories
for the things of their youth. She played the Grecian Daughter, for the first
time, on Saturday, the 29th April, 1815. I have seen the playbill. DEBRETT
says she married in 1819. Argal, an elderly gentleman of now, must have been
very young— scarcely a critic— when ELIZA O'NEILL retired. Still, as BYRON,
who understood acting, refused to see her lest he should disturb or divide his
recollections of MRS. SIDDONS, I believe in Miss O'NEILL. I know not
whether W. M. T. thought of aught he had heard about her when he described
the Fotheringay.
LORD PENZANCE retires. He ought to make me compensation. For his
going off destroys, for the future, one of my good things. Hearing speech
(which I regretted to hear) of a lady who was infatuated about somebody,
not her Lord, and who had declared that she would go to the World's End
for him, I, your Lord, said "She means the Land's End, taking Penzance en
route." But let it pass. That's nothing to what I could say if I liked, as the
Duchess of Wonderland remarked to Alice.
You've done enough with those bones, Toby. I fear that you are, as Miss
GRACE GREENWOOD reports another American lady to have said of a certain
hotel-keeper, " not high-toned on grub."
" Take the
What do you think of this motto for a Mammon- worshipper ?
Gods thy goods provide thee."
All Mohammedans leave their shoes at the door of their place of worship,
and some Ritualists their understandings.
Do you know that the Morning Post attained the age of one hundred
years on Saturday last, November the second ?
Have you a grief, Toby, that yon go on devouring '(
is consolation for everything. If MB. GLADSTONE were here
Eat, then. For eating
here (and I wish he
were), he would remind you that Achilles comforts the bereaved and afflicted
Priam by asking him to supper, which, says the Grecian Peelides, Niobe
herself did not forget, though a dozen of her children had been shot.
At Harrogate, the other day, I picked up a book by an excellent Clergyman,
the Vicar of Warminster, which I take to be a place in Wiltshire, at the source
of the Willy. The work is called Seven Common Faults :
and I doubt not that it is very improving. His list is,
grumbling, temper, thoughtlessness, selfishness, over-
anxiety, indolence, and self-will. I trust and believe
that I have them all.
I am going to hurt your feelings, Toby, but never
mind. I don't hold with Darwinism. We are not related
to the animals. See here. Among birds the hen is always
the dowdy, quietly feathered, humble looking creature,
while th£ cock (peacock and pheasant, for instance) blazes
out in splendour. While among ourselves— but you
perceive the argument.
Here is a story about a remarkable Lunch. The
Tzeremisch Tartars have no particular religion, and have
an odd way of excusing this. They say that they once
had a religious book, for their guidance, but one day a
cow came and eat it.
Here is a card which has been sent me from Colorado'
which is in the United States, Toby. Tis the adver-
tisement of a restaurant. " And JOSEPH wept aloud
and said unto his brethren : I am JOSEPH, doth my father
yet live ? And his brethren answered him, saying, You
bet! the old man is doing bully! he eats at the Cos-
mopolitan, 48, Blake Street, Denver, Col." Doing bully
may require explanation— it means flourishing mightily.
But this, addressed to descendants of the Pilgrim
Fathers !
His Holiness has made four new Saints. I am quite
sure that the honour was merited, though I never heard
of any of the gentlemen. But how does S. S. manage to
give them Days ? The calendar must be more than full.
I would respectfully suggest the elimination of four
others, to whom the monk clamoured, in the Ettrick
Shepherd's wonderful imitation of Scott : —
" And loudly invoked, as he clasped the rood,
Saint Withold, Saint Waldave, Saint Clare, and Saint Jude,
He dreaded the devil (to give him his due)
But held him as nothing to Wat o' the Cleuch."
For the four whom he invoked did not mind their
business, and Wat came raging into the Abbey, and ate
up everything. If he got his head well punched 'twas
by no saintly hand. The Scots do not make half enough
of JAMES HOGG, by the way.J _
Talking of Scots (and I beg they note the delicate at-
tention of my pronunciation— I don't say Scotch), let
us erect a Wallace Monument of our own. Let it be
set up in Manchester Square, opposite the house of the
gentleman who exhibits at Bethnal Green that glorious
collection of pictures which he who does not see is a
wilfully Blind Beggar.
The Crystal Palace has never been so well kept as under
the sway of my friend MR. GEORGE GHOVE. Nemorum
pulcherrimus ordo — Grove's rule is most admirable.
Yet I wish success to the Alexandra Palace, and I
am sure that my excellent new Sovereign, SIR S.
WATEHLOW, will work to that end. Let his Lordship
give what personal superintendence he can to the works.
It will be invaluable, and I desire to see " Sydney on
the scaffold," because he never loses his head.
Height of philanthropy, Toby? Giving a garotter a
ticket for the Cat Show. Eh, you dog ?
I see a memorial is to be raised in Exeter Cathedral to
the famous Dfi. PHILLPOTTS, Bishop. Can there be a
more typical one than that which has been there for
some centuries, the wonderful clock which shows the sun
going round the earth ?
;, I am sorry to read, among
ut it is not wonderf ul.
An epidemic is ragin
the horses in America. But it is not wonderful. They
have been laughing too much over Geneva and Berlin —
I allow that events there have been enough to make—
pooh!— to excite cachinnation in one of the equine race.
However, they have recovered sufficiently not to leave
the Presidential election to the care of the asses. Virat
ULYSSES, Rex ! _
Toby, my hookah ! — and then hook it.
NOVEMBER 9, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
191
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
(After visiting the Optra Comique, the Strand, and the Queen's, he
addresses the Editor as usual.)
T the Optra Comique, the
other evening, I repre-
sented You, Sir, with a
lovely flower in my button-
hole. It is a pretty, bright
little house, with hardly
nnd an Englishman" who shall be at one* a (rood Low Comedian
and a Rood Tenor r Such Opfrai Bouffei a* . <lptru
I flit fauit, &c., are merely burlesque* in three a< U, with original
music. They require burlesque actinic <""* burleique singing ; but
the singing must be good, and the singers musicians. No, somehow
this is our sticking point. Wanted, a Company of English Vocalist*,
who are all Low Comedians, and then wanted an
for this particular class of ent*rtainm« lit. (liven the flrrt, and
we shouldn t have much difficulty in finding the last, as there are
so very few of them. But they won't condescend to become Offen-
bachs ; that is, they won't stoop for popularity. Unite right too,
that if the portion of the
public that usually pa-
tronises this part of the
any pit to speak of ; BO I perhaps ; but in the meantime u there to be any really En*li*l
• •• "/«'"' /•'••".//<• or not P
I represented You, Sir, in a warm discussion on this very «u>.jt < t
. after the theatre ; but at one minute after twelve the argument be-
theatre i* to be educated came a trifle dry. Then, Sir, as the last shutters of this inexorable
up to, or down to, Optra proprietor went up, we bade farewell to the oysters sleeping in their
, the lesson won t be shells, and picked our way out of Maiden Lane.
learnt here. To aecom- At '*« Queen's.— Your K< pmentative was delighted with the
modate late diners like entire performance of A ,. • -n's Thcatr
yourself, Sir, and, there- whole, a better piece has not betn seen for some oontiderahk tfaae.
fore, like Your Represents- But,— there always is a "but," and here it is at once.— the eoteic
tive, the time here fixed character*, which the author has evidently intended to form a
for the commencement of relief to his otherwise sombre picture, are, without exception, dull
this Opera Bouffe is nine i in <"e extreme. It is merely a scale of dulness from the nnfortu-
o 'clock. From seven to nate hedge-priest down to the young gentleman who, on any eoca-
eight-thirty you have 81<"» when there is really nothing tor anybody to do or say, protests
plenty of time for enjoy- that he U in various degrees depressed, or about to be depretnd, by
- 'hose luxuries whi ' •"" rru" '•" v J
_ je reward of a t
ipent day. And aftei — . . „ __.
little cup of coffee, and places^ uttered by the expectant Clartrittg relative* npHHBtid by
the mild Havannah, you MB. VOI.I.A IRE and others,
may safely trust yourself Having said this, I have (for You, Sir, and mywlf, too) nothing
to the influences of the Optra Bouffe, which will tickle your ear hut praise to bestow upon both piece and actor*. Every scene
with many pleasant melodies, and will not make any demand upon which MB. KYDKK, as the old Clarermf, a tort of Sir (iiltt Over-
__ J 1 • __J __ A_ _i_J_ • * __ ?i» nr» • .t ; . I »_ _: • U If _!. -t I ' . 1 •-> - -•' •
your overtaxed brain, and, up to a certain point, will sufficiently reach, has, cither with Mabel I'niighan or with Amo* Clarke, was a
please you without disturbing your placid equilibrium by any work of art, most carefully studied, and mo*t ctfcotmly rendered.
incitement to strong emotional display. Nor can less be said either of MB. O. RlBVOU), u Amot Clark*, te-
Your Representative made the acquaintance of this nonsensical cretary to Sir Kobert Claverina. and the hero of the piece (a *e«re-
Optra Bouffe some years ago in Paris, where it was a great success, taT and * Clarke too), or of Miss WAILIS, the heroine. Of both,
and Your Representative, not on your account, Sir, but his own, throughout, the acting was excellent. It struck Your Representative
saw the piece three times. MILDER, who played the Gendarme, '• that, could MB. RIOHOLD have had Olirer Cromwell given to him in
was immensely funny in it (you ought to have seen him at the the play at the Lyceum, and could the character have been power-
Globe last summer, when French liouffcs were played there), and so fnUy written in by MB. WATTS PHILLIPS (he allowing himself " a
was the comic tenor, whose name has escaped my memory. At the competent time," as the Scotch Judge said) CHARLES THE FLBST would
end of the Second Act what extravagant fun (in Paris) was that have had to do all he knew to prevent the spread of so strong a
Can-can ! I admit that it depended upon the fact of having a real feeling of republicanism among the audience as might have sent
genuine low comedian with a tenor voice for the tenor's part, him to the block before his time. Anyone wishing to we a really
Alexandrivore, which is here intrusted to MLLE. CLABT, who is Rood piece (with the one fault above named) and admirable acting
charming, pretty, everything that's nice, but not funny. &U round, cannot do better than as did Your Representative the
Miss HARBIET COVENET made the part of the Marquise, the thing other evening, visit the Queen's Theatre to see Amot Clarke.
of the piece; and, as she has scarcely anything to do, or say, after Act I have already mentioned the Strand, but I must not conclude my
One, this solitary bit of humour is confined to the First Act. Miss report without one word about MB. BTIOH a* Fitz AltamomU, the
JULIA MATHEWS, who can play bmiffe parts, has simply nothing to blighted Tragedian. I have only time and spaee for one word,
do ; and as to the other young ladies in the piece, they were so nume- which, not to keep yon in suspense, IB— capital. Adoo I
rous that it was with the greatest difficulty I could discover who
was who. I was neither wiser nor happier after carefully studying
the bill, and I am still bothered as to the identity of Eelosine,
Mariette, Mimi, Franvoise, Bouton de Rose, Patte de Velours,
Dindonette, &c., with MLLES. BLANCHE DB LANDRE, LIZZIE RUS-
SELL, G. COBINNE, and some sixteen other pretty proper names ; the
ART FOB CRIMINALS.
THE principal journals read by the cultivated classes are tome-
times rather hard upon some of our sensational contemporaries for
the minutely realistic details of a flogging, and the behaviour of
.. tf • I • 1 __i t*_l_ il. - — - - * *»
pretty " not qualifying the " proper," but to be taken separately, the minutely realistic details of a flogging, and the beha^
No one struck me as so remarkably brilliant that I was abso- the ttoggee under punishment, which they usually report E*p»-
lutely wretched until I had been informed who she was; but, at daily do the organ* of select circulation object to ithe word-painting
the same time, they were all on a lively level, which amused with- wherein the reporters are wont to describe the marks imprinted by the
out wearying. , Cat. We fail to see the justice or expediency of such censures. Our
!~ In the libretto little is said, and of it the less said the better. \ only objection to such revelations we state later. A* regard* tie A
One of its greatest witticisms was, I found, an allusion to the , in question it is a kind of word-painting which maybe *aii
Licensing Act, which began to pall upon one, just a trine, after the i Dutch indeed in outline, and whereof the colour*. Uberally laid on,
are chiefly dark neutral-tint indigo, and carmine, with perhaps a dash
sixth repetition.
Another first-rate jest was the mention of titles well known by of gamboge.
this time in advertisements. Robur, the Tea Spirit, elicited a shout
of delight, while some other names equally familiar called forth
i °i ., ' i i • ."i j i i _I_A_: i
such applause as the most pointed epigram would not have obtained.
This is drawing it too close, and laying it on too thick.
for any critic moderately impatient of condescensions to eoane and
brutal and stupid minds, obtuse to the grote*que. But on such minds,
among the dangerous classes, and not the merely grot* and ignoble
11 delineations and daubing which disgust human beings.
These, I admit, are strong points in comic dialogue ;
they" all be SIMS REEVES' s ? Must they all be singing sentimentally,
" I lore her So/" "For thce I die /* or " Thy Angel Form .' "•
the latter generally pronounced "Farm " ? Is it simply impossible to
Your Representative is indeed most anxious to see the Optra least anti-cnminal stamp, will be started for circulation among the
Bouffe properly done in this country, and welcomes MR. HINGSTOS'S rufflanry, and, in them, graphic and gushingde**
endeavours in that line. But when is it to be done thoroughly? ing, may prove extremely beneficial. In the mes
Why is it that we have no tenors with a sense of humour ? Must the kind would be likely to have much effect on our existang savages.
unless accompanied by photographs of life-size, coloured as highly
as possible. There is one thing very needful which would even then
be wanting. Photographs do not howl.
192
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1872.
A GRACELESS CHILD.
Uncle George. " TOE ALL THAT WE'RE GOING TO RECEIVE,' " &c.
Tiny Tim. "Now, EBAD TOUR PLATB, AUNT MART, AND SEE WHAT THAT SAYS!"
ay;
PIE.
HUMBLE PIE.
I AM still the same JOHN BULL, who of glory once supped full,
Faced Europe with my subsidies, my soldiers, and my ships ;
When I 'd bites behind my barks, when I hit straight at my marks,
And found my foes in fisticuffs, as I found my friends in tips :
But now I 'm all for a quiet life, " jowk, and let the jaw go by ; "
Keep my feelings in my pockets, and put up with HUMBLE PIE.
Once foreigners looked up to me : a high head I could hold :
If my prestige cost me millions, those millions' worth was mine :
Strong and safe were laid my bulwarks with British blood and gold ;
Of a grander God than Mammon my island was the shrine :
Honour was given to honour, in those darkened days gone b;
Now honour 's sold for money . . . and my dish is HUMBLE "
Then, in dealing with a bully, I was game to hold my own ;
And the ground once wisely taken I stood to, stiff and stout :
In smooth tongues I had little faith, but much in teeth well shown,
And hands as strong to use the sword as slow to take it out.
The only kind of fighting I disliked was fighting shy,
And the one dish I would not eat, in those days, was HUMBLE PIE !
1 ' If the right cheek 's smitten, turn the left," was written then as now,
But the Quakers were the only sect who to that rule would agree :
So with so much Christian doctrine waiting practice, I allow,
I applied that text to friends, not foes, and hit them who hit at me :
But now it 'g " Give your coat to those who to steal your waistcoat
try,"
And the end is peace and plenty— that is, of HUMBLE PIE !
Hear BAXTER and BOB LOWE prove as plain as tongue can speak,
How of all possible Governments this Government is the best.
Who cares for the foreigner's laugh in his sleeve, the foreigner's
tongue in his cheek ?
The smaller JOHN BULL sings, 'tis clear, the warmer he lines his nest.
Once shame, they say, made him bilious and lean, but that is all
my eye-
There 's no meat he so thrives upon (see BAXTER) as HUMBLE PIE !
TOAST AND BUTTER.
AT a meeting one day last week of the Manchester Town Council,
the MAYOR OF MANCHESTER was taken to task for having been pre-
sent at the Roman Catholic Bishops' Consecration Dinner in Salford,
when the health of the POPE was drunk before that of the QUEEN.
In the course of the conversation which ensued, the Town Clerk,
defending his Worship, intimated that he had himself gone to the
dinner on principle, to show respect to the (titular) BISHOP OF SAL-
FOEB ; and mentioned that, on that festive occasion : —
" One of the Bishops said to him, in a jocular manner, as explaining why
the health of ' THE POPE ' was put before that of ' THE QUEE.V,' and appa-
rently to allay the loyal feeling which he might have, that they had adopted
the old habit — ' Church and State.' "
The Church, Catholic or Protestant, used to be an abstraction, and,
when personified, was commonly denoted by the personal pronoun,
third person, singular number, feminine gender. As regards the
Protestant Church that is still the rule : the Church of England is
wont to be spoken of by her sons and daughters as a mother, and is
never identified with the ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY. But now,
by the above episcopal showing, the Catholic Church is the POPE. It
was, until two years ago, merely Popish ; now it has resolved itself
into Pope altogether. It is no longer an abstract entity, but a con-
crete individual, to wit, His Holiness. An emblematic artist might
symbolise it as a cherub, all head and no body, but for the consi-
deration that the POPE has a trunk, and is able to sit down ; so that
papal decrees ex cathedra, are at least possible.
But Church and State in the abstract, and a concrete POPE and
QUEEN, are not correlative. HER MAJESTY is the Defender of a Faith
which His Holiness calls heresy. The POPE is, indeed, a Church in
himself ; has been ever since he was voted infallible : but cannot be
the QUEEN'S Church, or the Church of any future British Sovereign,
unless the repeal of the Royal Succession Act, after Irish demagogues
have won Home Rule, shall have been conceded, in the expectation
of satisfying the faithful Irish, by some future Administration less
inflexibly determined on maintaining the British Constitution than
our present Rulers.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— NOVKMBEB 9, 1872.
"HUMBLE PIE."
Ma. Bun. " HUMBLE PIE AGAIN, WILLIAM 1-YOU GAVE ME THAT YESTERDAY ? "
HEAD WAITEB. "YES, SIR-NO, SIR-THAT WERE GENEVA HUMBLE PIE, SIR, THIS 15 BEELIN HUMBLE
PIE, SIR ! ! "
NOVEMBER 0, 1672.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
195
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
DRIVE to EsciLEMORB'S.
Find him at luncheon.
"Will I pick?" he asks.
"No fizgigs-only Muster
Chop." There being very
little time to spare, I " de-
cline, with thanks;" and
when he has chopped and
changed, he is ready for
the train.
We find the "Nook"
about twelve miles out of
town. Small house ; about
four acres of ground.
Happy Thought. — Just
the thing to begin with.
" Farm of four acres, and
what we did with it."
KXM.KMORE is as de-
lighted with it as if he
were the proprietor. He
pints out to me all its
beauties. Nothing damps
bis ardour, lie has hit
upon it, and it is simply
in his eyes the thing.
To commence with: we
. get our first view of my
future property from over the top of a small gate. We search for
a bell. In vain. No bell. " Rather a nuisance/' I observe, " having
no belL"
ENGLEMORE won't allow it for a moment. "Nonsense!" he
cries ; " nothing of the sort. Who wants Mr. Bell in the country ?
Cockney idea, bell. Might as well have Tommy Knocker at once.
Try t'other side of the water."
By this last expression I find he means the stable entrance. Here
there is a bell, and, in answer to it, an old woman welcomes us with
a sniff, and a curtsey.
ENGLEMORE introduces me : " This is the gentleman who 's come
to see the place," he says. The old woman appears agitated, fumbles
with the corner 'of her apron, behind which she presently coughs —
this evidently being her notion of company manners— and shuts the
gate after us.
" Stables," says ENGLBMORE, pointing everything out to me —
"Outhouses— barn-buildings— garden" Here he describes a
segment of a circumference with his umbrella. " There you are—
all round you ! "
I can't deny that it is all round me. Still, I feel that, in spite of
his enthusiasm, I ought not to do anything of this sort hurriedly.
" The cottages," says the old woman, curtseying again, " go with
the place. There are four on 'em." Here she puts up the corner of
her apron again, and coughs to herself, confidentially.
" By Jove ! " exclaims ENGLEMORE, " I didn't know that. Cottages
with the place ! "—(Here he winks at me, as much as to say, " Here 's
a bargain for you ! ")— " You can turn 'em into bakeries— make your
own bread— Mr. Household Troops— and a Dairy— your own Cow-
milk and cream on the premises, and think what you '11 save in
butter ! "
Happy Thought.— I do begin to think what I should save in
butter.
As, in the course of an otherwise eventful life, I have never
bought any butter for myself, I haven't any notion of how much at
present I spend in butter. I reply to ENGLEMORE, " Well, I suppose
one would save by keeping a cow."
" Of course ! " he returns ; " and pigs, too. Here," he says,
walking briskly on, " is the place for Mr. Pig. Plenty of room ;
not in good order ; but a nail and a tile or two soon do it."
Happy Thought.— To be practical, and ask him where d" you buy
pigs ?
"Oh! anywhere," he answers. I am convinced that he has
never bought one in his life. He continues, "Go to a fair, or a
farmer ; buy 'em cheap at a fair. Then yon '11 save," here he checks
everything off on the fingers of his left hand with his right, while
bis umbrella is under his arm, " you'll save in bacon, Colonel Pork,
and — and— pigs' feet,— don' t forget pigs' feet — your little ENGLE-
MORE 's on for dinner on that occasion, — and then," in a triumphant
burst, " think of the pigs' -trash ! ! "
"How do you mean, pigs'-wash ? " I inquire, wishing him to be
more matter-of-fact, and less romantic, on such a subject.
" Why don't you see, here 's four acres, Mister Turnips, carrots,
potatoes, and all the Royal family all about, eh ? "
Certainly I admit that, taking the Royal family as vegetables,
there is room and to spare.
" Good," he goes on, satisfied with being correct so far, " you can't
eat 'em all-no waste -where does it go ?-in comet Mr. Pigswash.
%. "V,- § ™* WM"iJ>*» from the house every day— no waste-
Mr. I'ijfuwahh nmnd the corner again."
' I Me. Everything you don't want, or can't eat, or that geU too
much for you, somehow is made into pigs'-wash."
" <l'iite," he continues, "and no extra charge. To keep a pig
costs literally nothing, in the country." He sayi this as if I had been
arguing strongly for a pig, in lodgings, in Ixmdon. " look here."
he exclaims, from another part of the garden, where there 's evi-
dently the remains of an old aviary, to which he has rapidly walked
here '« your jilaee for chickens I ''
At this discovery he is greatly elated. It 's as much as to say that
up to that moment I had been bothered as to the place fur my
chickens, but that now it is clear as possible.
He does not allow me time to thin* over anything, but in another
minute he is drawing my attention to some fruit-trees at the lower
end of the garden.
'•Il.Te you are" he says, "Mister Apples and Plums-faney
little Master Plum Tart, and Dumpling ! Yon "11 nerer want to buy
fruit, and you could sell a heap here. There 's money in this or-
chard. Why," he says, thoughtfully, and casting a scrutinising
glance all round, " with care you ought to make this place pay your
rent, and do a good thing besides. Tou'd have here enough, to
supply Covent Garden."
Happy Thought.— Supply Covent Garden. Fortune. EXOLXMOKK
says of course it would wore into £ i. d. considerably. In his opinion
I should coin money here, and, according to him, nothing that I an
to keep will cost me anything.
"Mr. Pig," he puts it, "payi himself. Orchard pays Gardener
and talented assistants. Your grass makes hay for Peter Pony ; so
all you 've got to do is to boy a few oats and some straw, and the
stable pays you back in manure for garden. Well, your vegetables
you '11 eat and sell, and everything yon don't want goes to Master
pggy as per usual. What you don't use of your eggs, butter, cream,
id milk you sell, and the fruit will balance all x s." This is Eno-
and
LKKORE'S abbreviation of " expenses." " Let two of your cottages
it you make your others into dairy and
thought strikes him—" by
just to lighten the rent, and it you mak
laundry,— yon might "—here a bright
Jove ! you might take in washing ! "
Happy Thovght.— Washing and Pigs'-waahiag.
He at once promises me hit custom weekly, if 1 '11 send up for the
things. He '11 also, he says, buy vegetables and bacon : the same
condition as before to be observed, namely, that I must send up for
orders. How ? Nothing more simple— merely a pony and cart ; the
outlay a mere trifle, and it would pay enormously.
How many different sorts of business I am to undertake, according
to his view of the matter, it is difficult to say, but there is nothing
apparently that won't exactly fit into Fanning and Gardening
generally.
I am pleased with it, though I should like to look at it again.
ENGLKMORE shakes his head. " Can't do that," he says. " Mister
Landlord must know to-morrow."
There is a pond, too. With this EXCILEMORI is enchanted.
" Water on the premises," he exclaims. " No danger of fire I Just
have it laid on up to the house. And there are wells in the garden,
you are, in the summer— under the shade of trees— eat your own
apples— your own strawberries and cream— watch your own gold-
\ fish. I think that 's good enough for you. eh P "
Really, from his hearty ana excessively pleased manner, it does
strike me for the first time that the gold-fish in the pond hare set-
tled the question. If I had any wavering before as to taking the
house, the presence of the gold-tub has decided me. I have always
had a weakness for gold-fish. Fancy a gold-fish river, and a Chinese
Mandarin, or Japanese Warrior throwing a fly. I somehow feel that
whatever may now befall me, at all event*, with gold-fish, I shall
be virtuous and happy.
As far as I know myself, I have taken the place, that is, in
my own mind. But to save appearances, and not to jump at it too
much, which might make Mister Landlord tack on something extra
somewhere in the lease, I defer my decision for a day.
" Yon 'd better Nook while you can," says ESGLEMORK. I am of
his opinion, but reserve my ultimatum.
Happy Thought.— Shall be a Landed Proprietor. With Tenants,
too. The Cottagers are Tenants. Wonder if they pay regularly, or
if they don't pay at all, and if thit is the reason of getting rid of the
house.
If they don't pay, must evict them. Consequence of eviction will
be that I shall be shot at from behind a hedge, cursed as the Wicked
Squire, and the house burnt down. No, must make friends with
Tenants. On the whole decide to take it as it stands.
It suddenly occurs to me that we have been so occupied with the
garden, that we 've not seen the house at all.
EXGLEMORE dismisses this objection at once with—" Yon can see
196
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1872.
, •'
1
' -;</"
i/ ^ A v/c«^ M'
\ ^ ri ^"^ i
A SECOND OPINION.
Noble Sportsman. "THE DOCTORS SAT I MUST NOT HUNT THIS SEASON, TOM. SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BREATHING— IN FACT,
I'VE TURNED 'BOARKR.'"
Huntsman. " SORRY TO HEAR THAT, MY LORD. BUT I WOULDN'T MIND NO DOCTORS, IF I WERE YOU. I 'D TRY A MILD BUSTER."
Noble Sportsman. ""WELL, TOM, I DARESAY YOU'RE EIGHT. I'LL CONSULT THE 'VET.'"
what that is from the outside. It '11 want doing up a bit — that 's
all. Pail of .'whitewash, and box o' paints will do the trick. Make
landlord do that."
Arrived in town. To dine at ENGLEMOBE'S Club. The first thing
he does is to ask his other guest, "I say, GEORGE, .. you know
about Nook?"
GEOBGE intimates that he is up in the subject ; and ENGLEMORE
goes on in such an enthusiastic manner as works his friend up to
the highest pitch of excitement. In fact, GEOHGE can't sit down to
his dinner until he knows all about it.
ENGLEMORE goes on — " Well, we 'ye Nooked, haven't we, Colonel ? "
He means me ; and I corroborate his narrative so far with a nod,
and he 's on again : " Pretty place !— 0, pretty place ! " (Here he
shakes his head, so as to impress GEORGE with the idea that however
he might have joked at other times, this, at all events, was too im-
portant a matter for anything but the most serious earnest.) " Pretty
place. Just what you 'd like :" as if I wanted to part with the pro-
perty at once, and had asked him to praise it up to his friend : — he
continues, "beautiful trees, splendid garden— no end of fruit"—
(there really wasn't a gooseberry-bush in the place)— " pigstyes and
Major Stables all about ; and he 's got gold-fish, Sir, in a pond— the
real thing ; none of your sixpenny box of toys with a magnet, —
no, not a bit of it 1 No Soho Bazaar. Genuine wagglers, aren't they,
Colonel ?"
I corroborate his account again, but feel called upon to explain
that the estate is not a park ; that the garden has really to be made ;
that the whole place ia in a very tumble-down condition.
" Yes, it wants a little figging up, but that 's all." And so we go
on with dinner and conversation : myself in the character of a large
Landed Proprietor (all through ENGLEMOEE'S representation) with a
stake in the country.
HAPPY UNIVERSITIES !— They have " Select " Preachers at Oxford
and Cambridge. Would that it were so all over !
THE INVENTION OF WINE.
A Iliberno- Classical Myth.
BEFORE Bacchus could talk or could dacently walk,
Down Olympus he leaped from the arms of his nurse,
But though three years in all were consumed by the fall,
He might have gone further and fared a deal worse ;
For he chanced, you must know, on a flower and fruit show,
In some parish below, at the Autumn Assizes,
Where Solon and Croesus, who 'd heard all the cases,
By the peoples' request were adjudging the prizes.
" Fruit prize Number One there 's no question upon —
We award it," they cried, in a breath, " to— the divle !
By the powers of the delft on your Lowness's shelf.
Who 's this Skylarking Elf wid his manners uncivil :
For, widout even a ticket, that deity wicked
Falling whack in their midst in a posture ungainly,
Smashed the bunch of prize grapes into all sorts of shapes,
And made them two judges go on most profanely.
" 0, the deuce ! " shouted Solon, " he 's not left a whole un ! '
" It 's the juice thin, indeed," echoed Croesus, half crying ;
For a squirt of that same, like the scorch of a flame,
Was playing its game the ould Patriarch's eye in.
Thin Solon said, "Tie him, at pleasure we '11 try him.
Walk him off to the gaol, if he 's able to stand it ;
If not, thin, why thin get, sure, the loan of a stretcher,
And convey him away — do yez hear me command it ? "
But Croesus, long life to you, sorrow nor strife to you,
And a peaceable wife to you, that continted you '11 die !
Just thin you 'd the luck the forefinger to suck
That you 'd previously stuck wid despair in your eye.
No more that eye hurt you— for the excellent virtue
Of the necther you 'd sipped cured its smarting at once,
NOVEMBER 9, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
197
SEE
I 'M
SAT
TRUE CONJUGAL IMPARTIALITY.
I CAN ASSURE YOU, SARAH, THAT I '* NOT AT All THE SORT OF WOMAN WHO CAN'T
A MAN'S FAULTS BECAUSE SHI HAPPENS TO BE MARRIED TO HIM. ON THE COSTRARY,
QUITB COSVIHCBD THAT If DEAR ROBERT WERE NOT ASSOLUTBLT PAVLTLMSS, AS I MUST
HE 18, 1 SHOULD BE THE VSRT FIKST PERSON TO FIND IT OUT " ! ! I I
CHASTISEMENT BY MACHINERY
MESSRS. P. A. TAYLOR and JACOB liup.in,
in deprecating the flagellation of gurutu-n,
cannot be Mid to sympathise with
kind ; for they sympathise only with
scourged rascal.-., and not at all with mal-
treated and maimed honest men. It it to
be wUhed that the garotter's kind could be
made to sympathise with the garotter, when
he ii under the lash, with a perfect sym-
pathy. Then they would feel nis stripe* in
their own persons, and, in effect, would be
the whole of them (logged at once. Animal
Magnetism is still in its infancy, but the
day may come when it will be so perfected
as to enable a skilled mesmerist to place
any number of criminals convicted of rob-
bery with violence en rapport with each
other :so that one flogging will do for them
all. This would save executioner's labour,
and greatly d'"i'"'«h any brutalisation
which may be the effect of its perf ormance
on some warders.
The brutalisation possibly arising from
this cause would be minimised by the con-
trivance of a whipping-engine or thrash-
ing-machine, wherewith garotters could be
steam-flogged ; a device which would have
the advantage of inflicting stripes with a
certainty of uniform force, graduated to
order, and unmitigated in any case by
weakness of mind or muscle.
It is gratifying to think how much su-
perior in humanity we are to our ancestors.
Otherwise, with our modern mechanical
knowledge and resource!, we should long
ere this nave been provided with a penal
apparatus worked by steam, and consisting
of a cylinder into which a rogue could be
thrust at one end in a state of nature, and
presently turned out with his back scored,
his ears cropped, his nose slit, and his fore-
head branded, at the other.
•But we have too much of the milk of
human kindness to employ such machinery
as our savage forefathers would have beta
sure to invent and use for penal purpose*, if
they had been able. A model, however, of
the machine above suggested might be made
and exhibited at South Kensington.
And yon shouted to Solon, " Stop TOUT polls patrollin',
Where 's the sinse your ould poll in, you ignorant dunce.
Is it whip into quod a celestial god,
For I '11 prove in a crack that the craytiier 's divine."
" Look here ! have a sup, some more juice he 'd sopped up
In a silver prize cup, and THEY FIRST TASTED WINK."
Said Solon, "~Be Japers, put this in the papers,
For this child wid his capers is divine widout doubt,
Let 's kneel down before him, and humbly adore him—
Then we '11 mix a good can of the drink he 's made out.
Now the whole of this time was that spalpeen sublime
Preparing his mind for a good coorse of howling,
For yon 've noticed, no doubt, that the childer don't shout
Till a minute or more on their heads they 've been rowling.
" Milleah murther!" at last, he shouted aghast,
" My blood 's flowing as fast as a fountain of wather ;
It'll soon be all spilt, and then I '11 be kilt—"
Mistaking the juice of the grapes for his slaughter.
Thin glancing around he them gintlemen found
Their lips to the ground most adoringly placed,
Though I 'm thinking the tipple, continuin' to ripple,
Round that sacred young cripple devotion increased,
" By Noah's ark and the Flood, they are drinking my blood.
0 you black vagabones," shouted Bacchus, "take that !
Here wid infantile curses he up wid his thyrsus,
And knocked the entire cavalcade of them flat.
But soon to his joy that celestial boy,
Comprehendin' the carnage that reddened the ground,
Extending his pardon to all in the garden,
Exclaimed wid a smile, as a crater he crowned,
" My bould girls and boys, now be using your eyes,
For you now recognise the god Bacchus in me.
•"
Come, what do you say to a slight dajoonav
Wid could punch and champagne, for I 'm 01
So. widont further pressing, or bother of dressing,
Down to table they sat wid that haythm divine,
And began celebrating, wid choicest of ating.
And drinking like winking, Tins InvnmoK or WOT.
Nice Price*.
" writes to the Timet ;—
"It may perhaps interwt English families intending to Ti.it Ni« foi -the
winter sci^n to Vnow that I nndTon my armal here, an adTano. of from
*5 to 50per <*nt. in the pric« of apartownU, bread, meat, Te»j«UbUs, *c., OB
what I paid last year."
Why should " STRANGER" be surprise* ? Isn't " Nice and dear "
the natural antithesis of " Cheap and nasty
Not In the Lexicon.
BILLS at Railway Stations draw public attention to • ^t*1,0."6
of the Music Halls, called 1'itula. A friend, but not a Licensed V ic-
?uaU« whose LatinU evidently on if last legs,, ha. got it into .hi.
head that there must be some hidden reference *«£» <£k *
part of the human frame, which is generally lavishly &$•*<*
lallets. He may be right, but it is open to argument
may describe the youthful frequenters of the flails in question.
CASK OF KroxAPPiKo.— Young Goat asleep.
198
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1872.
TEMPORA MUTANTUR.
Flyman (to Tourists at Aldcrshof). "YES, 'M, THAT'S 'IM, MUM, WITH THE HORDEBLY FOLLERTN' 'IM — THAT'S THZ GENERAL.
BLESS TEB, HE FS UNDER CONTROL HI8SELF NOW ! HERE 's THE HORFICE, 1OU SEE, MUM ! ! "
Bur,
MORE MILITANTS THAN ONE.
WHAT Church but 's up in arms, right hand and left
Exchanging fisticuffs with priestly unction ?
Their Levites into warring unions cleft
With mutual damnation for chief function :
In Congress, Convocation, sounds the clash
O'er disputation's waste but well-fought field ;
From Conference, Council, Synod, rings the dash
Of Dogma's double-sided shield with shield ;
Rather than put her weapons on the shelf,
Lilburne-Kke, each Church militates with herself.
Sooner than stoop her hand to such plain work
As bringing Christ's light Christian life to guide,
If she can't burn heretic, Jew, or Turk,
Each of her sects 'gainst all a tilt can ride :
Forbidden to plait halters, she '11 split hairs ;
In surplices, if not in straws, find quarrel ;
Bid every Doxy kick the rest down-stairs ;
Call reason blind, search sin, and doubt immoral ;
Then, as from faith she feels the life-blood failing,
Thrust Dogma-doses down to cure her ailing, —
A sad and sorry sight— a black look-out,
If Christian light were inside Churches cabined,
If choice of Dogmas were sole 'scape from doubt,
Sole safety to be Hectored, Poped, or Rabbined ;
But through Church-Militants' drear dark chance-medley,
A wighter, brighter Militant I see —
Truth-Militant, of Dogmas foeman deadly.
Champion of Faiths, that have been, and will be —
The Sermon on the Mount upon her shield
In blazon of light, life, and love revealed.
Whoso in Truth's picked army seeks his mates,
Will see all fighters friends, all Churches one,
Spite of Theology's bewildering hates
Round Dogma s holds, alternate lost and won ;
Will find that not from Church-fight's flash and glare,
But from Christ's plain, pure words on that white shield
Comes all the light that all the Churches share,
That, warms to fruit all growths of their wide field,
The bond that all their hatreds underlies,
And gives them all what each to each denies.
HARO ! HARO !
THE award of the EMPEROR OF GERMANY concedes the Strait of
Haro to the American construction of the blundering Ashburton
Treaty of 1846. There is an old Anglo-Norman usage still kept up
in the Channel Islands— that strongnold of obsolete usages. When
a party is wronged, he makes what is called his " Clameur de Haro,"
invoking the powers of the island to do him justice.
But where the powers of the island are the authors of the wrong
suffered, in what form is the " Clameur de Haro" to be raised?
We are waiting to see.
Comparative Liberty.
No King of England, except CHARLES THE FIRST, a contemporary
essayist, in Estimates of English Kings, remarks, "has ever
seriously tried to be despotic in the true sense of the word, and even
CHABLES did not desire to interfere with the course of daily life."
No ; that remained to be done by the Liberal Government which
has blessed us with coercive, paternal, sumptuary and Sabbatarian
legislation.
A CBOW FROM THE CRADLE.
THE question of Baby Farming, considered as destined to be
affected by the progress of paternal legislation, assumes an aspect of
national importance.
Printedby Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, ft Co. Lombard
8treet,in the Precinct of Whitefrlara.in the city of London, and Published by him, at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Briae, City of London.— BATCRDAT, November 9, 1072.
NOVEMBER 16, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
199
LATEST FROM DUNDEE.
(Where, readers will be happy to know, the Maids' Rebellion has revived in great force.)
Mistress. " I DID NOT KINO, MART."
Mary. " I KNOW THAT, MUM ; BUT AS I WAS MOPINO IN THE KITCHEN, I
THOUGHT I 'D COMB AND SlT A BIT WITH YOU ! "
A FLOURISH ON THE FRENCH HORN.
GENERAL CHAJ.VV, the other day, on officially assuming the command of the
7th Army Corps at Tours, addressed to his troops an Order of the Day,
wherein, according to a telegram from Paris, he informed them that : —
" France, which has been enabled to resist great trials, is confident in her valour. She
will not descend from the rank she has conquered in the world, but will continue the
great part assigned to her by Providence, and render the future secure. France has need
of great virtues, and the army must give an ezample of them to the nation. Standing
above parties, the army must be unaffected by the mean passions which divide and agitate
the country."
Don't you seem to have read all this innumerable times before P Doesn't
it sound simply like one more flourish of trumpets, alarum, excursion, regu-
lation tantara, and matter-of-course fanfaronade? Seems it not as familiar
to your ears as quack, quack, quack, eehaw, or cock-a-doodle doo P Neverthe-
less, on looking into it, you will find that it contains ideas. Its second and
third sentences are not merely full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
The gallant General distinctly confesses that France has need of great virtues.
There is, indeed, great room for improvement in France, as well, at least, as
everywhere else. But can the French Arnry do what GENERAL CHANZT
says it must? Is it possible for soldiers to give France an ezample of the
if reat virtues which she doubtless needs P Of some, perhaps, but surely not of
all the virtues. Those same .warriors ;are not generally husbands. They
cannot exemplify the domestic virtues. And then will it be possible for the
Army to subsist unaffected by the mean passions which divide and agitate the
••ountry out of whose people it is drawn P Will it, indeed, have the sense
>md the unanimity necessary to enable it to repudiate, for instance, the vain-
glory which has for so long kept Frenchmen divided against each other,
ugitated amongst themselves, and agitating mankind P
" Thought is Free."
Shaktpeare.
A MAN may think freely without being a free-thinker. Some of our bigoted
friends axe unable to understand this.
THE NEMESIS OF AYKTON.
LONDON has Parki for iwelli to ihow,
And snobs at them to stare :
And pretty little folks to play.
In pretty nursemaids' care :
And if our Ouardi, sometimes, those maida
Will with sheeps'-eyes beguile,
And maidi be BO much off their pruardi,
Ai on our Quardi to smile,
Paterfamilias may regret
That red-coata should hare charms,
That pretty nurserymaids trill have eye*
For more than babes in arms ;
But not the leu the Parks he 'd have
For general use kept free,
Where somebodies may ride and drive,
For nobodies to see.
So as'he has a Parliament.
And Parliament makes laws,
And some of them prohibit
Kach with it* penal clause ;
And as he haa some fools who names
As demagogues would win,
And as these fools will use the Parks
To spout their nonsense in, —
As he remembers BKALBX his bounce,
And WALTOLB'S tears of woe,
And park-rails levelled with the ground,
And order rough-laid low,
He calls on AYBTOH for an Act
His parks to rule and guard,
And if a spouting- place be given,
To mete it out per yard.
So said, so done : the Bill 'a brought in,
Discussed, passed into Law :
Ayrtonian regulations framed
The metes and bounds to draw,
That fence about a certain space
For fools to spout their rot,
As you might set a place apart —
Here rubbish may be shot."
But lo ! the first occasion given
For demagogues to talk,
Right in the teeth of ATRTOJT'S Act,
And his ukase they walk :
Boldly erect their sponting-stands
Beyond the measured belt.
And ATRTOK'S name and his placard
With mud profanely pelt
Ah me, my ATBTDK, who has thrown
More mud, at times, than thou Y
Is 't bettering thy instruction, these
Their dirt are throwing now ?
'VFling mud enough," the proverb says,
" And some of it will stick."
Such was thy rule ; with tongue and pen
Who laid it on so thick P
And now thy Nemesis is here ;
Abuse and filth they squirt :
Thy name bespattering with their scorn,
Thy orders with their dirt.
If " like to like," that kissing rales,
Applies to cuffs as well,
Who out an ATRTON should be set
The London roughs to quell P
Legal Changes.
" The Right Eon. RICHARD Dowsm, who was iwora in as en*
of the Baroni of the Irish Court of Exchequer yesterday, took his
seat to-day. It is undentood that to-day MB. PALLM will be
called as Attorney-General, and MB. LAW as Solicitor-General.
Luerr Ireland ! to have placed at her disposal, in one
day, both Law and Wisdom— for any one, with half an
eye, can see that PALLM is only another way of spelling
Pallas. Will any one now say that justice is not done
to Ireland ? Telegraph, immediately, to MR. FBOCDK
in America.
vol. LWII.
200
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1872.
$unrf) at Hunclj.
SEE ULYSSES GBANT has been
triumphantly re-elected Pre-
sident of the United States,
Tobias. A quotation, Sir
Canis, on the instant, come !
What— the last lines of POPE'S
HOMEE'S history of the other
ULYSSES ? I, Punch,
" In Mentor's form, confirm the
full accord,
And willing nations know their
lawful Lord."
That second line is not POPE'S,
Toby. 'Twill pass, and I
confirm the accord ;in a Car-
toon, which you shall see, if
you are good.
I am glad to read that the
American Press is again dis-
covering GENEBAL GBANT'S
great merits, and is praising
him in a liberal, not to say
lavish manner. All a culi-
nary question. Royalists oil
their kings, Republicans but-
ter them.
sented. Yet I believe most wives will think, or at least say, that he
was wrong, especially those of the class that prefer a husband's
room to his company.
A Doorstep Brigade, to save servants the trouble of cleansing our
thresholds ! What next, and next ? as ME. Con DEN wrote. In an
exquisitely beautiful little comedy, which would never have been
written but for your master, Toby, a girl taunts her lazy sister, —
"I say, Ma, if BLANCHE ever has a baby, she '11 put it out to wash."
The Moslem holds that every painter who draws human figures
will, at the resurrection have to put souls into them. Perhaps the
belief is shared by certain Christian painters, who therefore wisely
avoid double trouble.
I will astonish your canine mind. List. A battle scene :
" Then banners wared, and arms were mixed with arms,
And javelins answered javelins as they fled,
And Doth fled hissing Death."
Whose ? Take an hour. You give it up ? The author of the Little
Busy Bee. 'Tis true, foi de Punch. Would you have belef t it of
the good little Doctor ? It is from a Lyric so thundering that he
was actually obliged to stop in the middle and write prose, as his
poetry could not express his excitement. Then he went at it again,
and thundered to the end.
'Tis none of my business to furnish the Tories with an answer to
the ATTOBNEY-GENEBAL. But SIB JOHN COLEBIDGE says that they
have no history. LOBD BYKON pretended to be, a Radical, yet he
writes, —
" I greatly venerate our ancient glories,
And wish they were not owing to the Tories."
The Ultra-Irish Party lose a good man in ME. MAGUIBE. Of
course he was all wrong in politics, but he was a thoroughly con-
scientious and a very able man, and he had the ear of the House.
He had humour, moreover. I heard him, in the days when MBS.
STOWE'S book was talked about, accuse a Minister of reducing his
followers to a state of " political Uncle Tommytude."
M. GOUNOD kindly composed, and personally introduced, a song
for the benefit of poor MBS. BLACK, once Maid of Athens. It has
not been a success. He is surprised. You are not, Tobyt You
know that the sing-song lot mostly dislike good music, and warble
about sentiment too much to feel any.
A Jersey farmer, seeing some children at play, and remembering
that some of his apples had been stolen, fired a gun at the little
party. He put in pats, not shot, but they stuck all over one of the
children, and hurt it considerably. There is law, of a sort, in Jersey,
and he goes to prison, to teach him not to sow his wild oats in
children's backs. The sentence was lightened on account of his age.
He was 62. Anywhere but in Jersey this would have been thought
a reason for giving the spiteful old churl an extra three months.
Don't you wish you had been near his legs, my dog P
The EMPEBOE OF CHINA is married. All happiness to the flowery
young couple ! The bride will probably see some revolutions, but
we will hope that she will be
" ' Empress' of herself, though China fall."
Somebody's unexpectedly vulgar conduct, the other day, was
explained to me as admitting of " the simplest solution." I said,
good-naturedly, "Not quite the simplest, but the solution was that
of several lumps of sugar in several glasses of element and alcohol."
How great a poetical matter a little prosaic fire kindleth ! I find
this in myself—but never mind that. THOMAS GBAY wrote a poem
called the " Long Letter." It was suggested by two or three lines
of scrawl by a foreign lady who could not spell. This is the inspired
and inspiring despatch. The original is the property of a friend of
mine, who kindly let me copy it. I will read it to you, Toby.
" LADY SCHAUB'S compliments to ME. GRAY she is sory to have not
find him to tell him that LADY BEOWN is very well." We are great
creatures, we poets.
It was contended in a Law Court the other day that " a wife was
lawfully in any house where her husband was, and had a right to
go into any room after him." The Judge was astounded, and dis-
CHAUCEE was Clerk of the Works at Windsor Castle, and super-
intended the repairs there from 1389 to 1391. I should suggest his
being thus occupied as a subject for a picture, but a painter would
be sure to say that "no theme" was offered. He would be right,
but he might throw in an incident, the ^-Edile of the day complain-
ing of the expense, and the King of the day (I forget who it was)
knocking down the ./Edile, and, with a sweet smile, quoting
CHATJCEE'S
" The wrastling of this world asketh a fall."
And I don't think the Academy catalogue would print it wrestling,
because that is correct, according to modern use.
" The Ephesians" would be a good name for a club. A club of
Churchmen might so call themselves (when we have been dis-estab-
lished), with the Shakspearian motto, "Ephesians, my Lord, of the
Old Church."
You have heard that sentiment from me before? What dp I
care ? What does our friend TEBENTHJS observe ? Nullutn eat jam
dictum quod non sit dictum prius."
LOED MELBOUBNE could hit very straight from the shoulder when
he would take that trouble. LOED BBOTJGHAM made an able and
bitter attack on him in the Lords one night, and LOED MELBOUENE,
in his reply, lauded his enemy's intellect enormously, and added,
" How serious, my Lords, must be the objections to such a man,
when such talent could not induce me to offer him office ! "
Those little lions— don't growl, you jealous pig ! — are well worth
going to see at the Z. G. Diu parturit lecena catulum sed — leonem.
They are little Irish lions, moreover, but are, as Theseus remarks,
" Very gentle beasts, and of a good conscience." At least, they have
not been such stupid beasts as to roar for Home Rule yet.
If my revered friend, the BISHOP OF Si. DAVID'S, is fairly reported
(all Bishops are not, you know), his Lordship has cut the knot of the
Athanasian Creed. He is stated to have said that " it will probably
be found, on investigation, that the entire responsibility of the ter-
rible anathema devolves upon the Clerk, who alone says, Amen."
I wait a verification. But if the Bishop is right, is it not hard on
the Clerk, who would get an awful wigging if he did not make the
response ?
The police in Madras wear green chintz knickerbockers.
No wonder our forefathers were so jolly. I see by an advertise-
ment in the Spectator (ADDISON'S— my contemporary, however, often
writes quite as well as the elegant JOSEPH), that red Barcelona wine
was five shillings a gallon, and four-and-sixpence if bought by the
butt, and that Madeira was six shillings a gallon. The Good Tem-
plars of those days had good times.
The young fellows of our day are so awfully careful about com-
mitting themselves to engagements. A spirited gill in one of
BEAT/MONT and FLETCHEE'S plays says
" Give me him dare love
At first encounter."
I always used to do so, I am proud to say.
NOVEMBER 16, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PUNCH'S PROTEST.
E say. Punch says. Ipse. Is the Lord Mayor's
Show to go on, or is it to cease ! Medieval Pageant,
indeed ! Mr. Punch asks whether the Show of
<aturday last was worth going to the window to behold and see, or
whether it was not of a sort to justify the interposition of Holland—
m other words, the pulling down the blind ? Fathers of the City,
what are you about r You have untold gold at command, a popula-
tion affectionately ready to be enthusiastic, a grand historic tradition
to be maintained, and you assemble us in our thousands— ns, and
our reproaching children— to witness a display of unmitigated
Bumbledom. Fathers, you must wake up. Give us a Pageant, as it
is given by the Trades abroad— or give us Elephants and Camels, and
Lions, as signs of our Empire and your magnificent commerce.
Give us a historical procession, with all the costumes since Lord
Mayors were invented. Or, if you can do nothing better, ask
GEOBGE the Duke for brilliant soldiery. But do give us a Show.
Best of all, come forth yourselves. Get out of those stuffy carriages,
and show yourselves like Merchant Princes, proudly parading. Why
should not our well-beloved SIB JOHN BENNETT be seen somewhat
as above depicted? That's the time of day, Fathers P Why do
you not all mount in emulation of that example, and fill us with
admiration, each of you with some ensign of the Craft that has raised
mm to wealth and honour. You must consider this, Fathers, and,
not to put too fine a point on it, come out stronger, or not come out
at all. Punch weeps at having to make this Great Remonstrance,
but a brave man's tears are tragic. Drive him not into open rebellion.
Once more, give us not a Beadle's March, hut a Lord Mayor's Pageant.
of course, and the box-k
theatrical reporting th
••us device
1 ' i>rMentaliva>
own ti
such iierft-ctiiin general
''j see win ;
advantage. I, as Your );. ],r.
wished to be instructed. I had
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
(After a visit to the South Kensington Museum, he addresses the
Editor as usual.)
FINDING that Covent Garden is successfully Babiling and Bijou-
ing, that at Drury Lane ME. BEVERLET is "surpassing himself"
every evening, and that " MB. CHATTEBTON'S Lucky Star " (how I
wonder what you are) is shining nightly amidst demonstrations of
HntisfflM.imi • fllot W/»7l/j7'l» T ifa \a **Vlon*41«r -Failin/* frt lian/lmA on
nents generally for these and the following quotations ;— finding
:hat MB. WILLS'S "Noble play" is every evening witnessed by
iearfully sympathetic, crowded and brilliant audiences, consisting
of influential families (more like influenzial families, if their eyes
are all running) seated m new rows of stalls; finding that the Strand
s fed like a Vampire (its latest burlesque but one, by the way) on
,he happy vein (surely the jocular vein would have been better) of
the "indefatigable MB. BYROK ; " that nnpufJed MR. PHILW u
Maosyoophanting at the Princess's and nnpuffod Puff (CIURLFI
MAXHIWB; U doing great things at the Gaiety (where 's your Game of
Speculation Y] ; finding that the Queen's rejoices in the liberality (of
the management), and the Power, the Pathos and the Popularity of
Amot (_!,„/., .'that MK. MoaTioci, on his own showing, finds it
utterly impossible - (as other Managers have done before him) to print
everything he 'd like to say in public about the achievement of a
success m a new direction ; " finding that the management of the
Court Theatre has, and is entitled U>, its own opinion 01
humour of one of its pieces, which is received with enthusiastic appro-
bation every evening by even Management itself.
»«P»rn,- liuding, I say, all persons and things
•'•» favourahly in the newspapers— an
nullification of much unfavourable oritiuum
MA nothing to do but to accept the situation.
«• such pieces, such actors, such arti.u, and
y every where as now, and then to louk '
. riprtmu' to tin- irrrattst
v» (distinctly understand >l,,ii ,
L, for ^ uu, to be amused at the
s hut had failed. It suddenly occurred to me that MK. lu-
\ i.vi, had made up his face for Chart, from som.
in tin National Portrait Gallery. Tin- X. I'.
sington Museum to begin with. Carried, on your behalf, nem. eon.
On a lovely morning in November of the present year, a cavalier
might have Deen observed, and probably was, representing You in
U iw— not on horseback, .Sir, though there You, 1 am sure,
would prefer to be represented by a proficient— (by the way, how
did you manage to sit for th: .a portrait in the Yeomanry
uniform, with which your admirers lately teatimonialised you 'f —
but to proceed)— but taking his way, afuot, towards th-
aiiigton Museum. Here, in the park, 1 noticed the gent whose hone,
at ibree-and-su the first hour and half-a-crown the second, was too
much for him at any price : here was the Groom riding gingerly, as
if he were perpetually trotting up to a small fence, and never coming
to it : here the handsome lady on the showy horse, whose legs were
all in the air at once, conveying a notion of clockwork machinery
gone wrong inside, and a spring broken somewhere: here was another
groom, whose economical master won't give him a new livery, though
when the wind blows his skirts back, and shows the lining, yon see
how badly he wants it. Then there was the lady whose groom rode
beside her, and thus reminded you of Miss BRADDOS'S once popular
heroine, Aurora Floyd. Then there was the gentleman woo evi-
dently didn't ride every day, and was now clearly wishing, on
account of difficulties with his hat, that he 'd stayed at home on this
particular morning, or that he had come out as a pedestrian, and
merely talked about his hone. Then there were the couple — a lady
and a gentleman — who had come out to ride together, but were never
within a hundred yards of one another, when they started to canter,
as they did every other five minutes, and were separated at once.
Then came the stout groom, proudly patronising young master on
his pony with a leading rein ; while, on the gravel path, among the
usual sprinkling of classes, was the old lady, as inevitable as the dog
on the Derby Day, who will open her umbrella, -no matter what the
weather is, and startle somebody's hone.
Then there were the wooden-jointed mounted Policemen, sitting in
such a manner, that if yon drew an imaginary line from the tip of
the Policeman's nose to the toe of his boot, it would form the base of
an acute angled triangle, of which the thud angle would be at the
back of the saddle. With this mathematical problem solved satis-
factorily, Your Representative, being clearly in a teachable frame of
mind, passed rapidly on, and, at length, with that awed and humbly
reverent bearing which ever distinguishes him (when not represent-
ing Yon, Sir), in the presence of The Classical, he stood at the lowly
wooden gate of the S. K. Museum, S.W. Remembering my mission,
however, I dismissed the aforesaid demeanour, and cocking my hat
jauntily on one side, and taking off one glove, in an easy ana familiar
manner I strolled into the grounds, superciliously, as if I could have
designed the whole thing, International Exhibition and Gardens on
the other side of the war included, a hundred times better myself,
and would alter the entire set of buildings, now, and on the spot, if
they said very much to me.
0 desolation ! 0 solitude ! No one spoke to me : there were none
to speak ; and not a sound was heard, save the solemn cracking of
twenty walnuts, one after the other in succession, by two stout and
serious Policemen, who were sharing a pennyworth, taking ten each.
There they stood, the Gog and Magog, modernised, of South Kensing-
ton, comparing nuts. All the Policemen I noticed here were stout.
Perhaps 1 had fallen upon one of their stout days. I am not con-
versant with Police regulations. Perhaps they have pertain bodies
of fat picked men and thin picked men. In a district where the
population is thin, out comes your Fat picked man ; and_ perhaps,
just to give him exercise, he isn't doubled at night. Why not a
show of Prize Policemen ?
But this is levity.
2C2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1872.
EXPERIENTIA DOCET.
Elder of Fourteen. "WHBRB'S BABY, MADGE?" Madge. " IN THE OTHER ROOM, I THINK, EMILY."
Elder of Fourteen. " Go DIBECTLY, AND SEB WHAT SHE'S DOING, AND TELL HER SHE MUSTN'T I"
THE RISING OF THE WATERS.
INTOTDATION ! Inundation ! Inundation !
Ill-tidings on ill-tidings, in dread reduplication,
From every nook and corner, of remote and neighbour nation —
Tidings of rising waters, and spreading consternation I
How the rains keep pouring, pouring,
And the streams come roaring, roaring,
And the sluices and the dykes, that men trusted for salvation,
Have fallen to decay for want of timely reparation,
Till they sap and soak and leak,
Waxing weaker and more weak,
And all is tears and terror, and dismay and desolation !
Inundation, Inundation, Inundation I
From every creed and calling comes the cry of innovation.
The sound of bursting bulwarks, forces new to calculation,
Sweeping before them wreck' d beliefs, put to too fierce probation!
And still the tocsin's mouth,
East and west, and north and south,
Proclaims the awful tidings of swift disintegration
)f some rampart that seemed steady while all round was agitation,
Till men ask is aught to trust 'twist the diamond and the dust —
Is there truth, or faith, or barrier, for man, or church, or nation ?
Parliament out of Session.
THE Right Honourable Gentleman said it had been asked what, if
we were to persevere in the policy of concession instanced by sub-
mitting the Alabama Claims and the San Juan Question to arbitra-
tion, for the maintenance of peace at any price, would be the use of
continuing to go to the expense of building iron-clads upon iron-
clads, and multiplying rams, torpedos, and all the other costly mu-
nitions of war ? The use was that, when the limits of all possible
concession shall have been reached by our having yielded everything
demanded of us, those armaments will enable us to defend our shores
in the event of invasion, after all.
THE DANGERS OF TEA-DRINKING.
TEETOTALLERS are continually warning people of the poisons which
they say are always lurking in all alcoholic drinks ; but it may be
questioned if tea be any whit less noxious than beer, or wine, or
spirits, at least when it is purchased at a common grocer's shop.
Oat of twenty-seven specimens of tea tested recently in Glasgow,
we find it stated in the Globe that only six were genuine, and the
others were composed of such ingredients as these : —
" Iron, plumbago, chalk, China clay, sand, Prussian blue, turmeric, in-
digo, starch, gypsum, catechu, gum, the leaves of the Camellia Susanqua,
Chloranthus officinalis, elm, oak, willow, poplar, elder, beech, hawthorn, and
sloe."
Old jokers often say that tea is a sloe poison, but when tea is made
of sloe-leaves mixed with turmeric, plumbago, indigo and Prussian
blue, it can hardly be considered a fit matter for a joke. " Tea
veniente die, tea decedente " is the drink of other than teetotallers ;
but certainly the less they take of it the better, unless by testing
they assure themselves that it is really tea they take.
THE NEGRO CAPACITY.
THE name of STANLEY, celebrated in " the last words of Marmion"
has derived fresh lustre from the achievement effected by an Ameri-
can namesake of the EAKL OF DERBY in discovering DR. LIVINGSTONE.
MK. H. M. STANLEY, on the night of Wednesday last week, delivered
his second lecture at St. James's Hall, of course to hearers who
crowded it closely, and enthusiastically applauded him. During the
gallant explorer's discourse, according to a contemporary : —
" The little black boy from Central Africa, KULULU, was on the platform,
and was brought especially under the notice of the audience as having, on
the first evening of their camping on a fine hunting-ground, eaten the whole
of a young boar."
This was indeed going the whole hog. ME. STANLEY had perhaps
never seen that exploit physically performed before ; no, not in
America.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBEB 16, 1878.
THE RETURN OF ULYSSES.
BEITANXIA. "AH, MY DEAR! I WAS CERTAIN YOU WOULDN'T TURN AWAY THE GENERAL. HE MAY
SMOKE TOO MUCH, AND BE TOO FOND OF HIS RELATIONS; BUT, AT ANY RATE, HE'S BEEN A GOOD AND
FAITHFUL SERVANT TO YOU!"
NOVEMBER 16, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
205
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
too muoh-I didn't expect it of vou-bleM you."— Bah ! I da wi.h
JJ7 Aunt had been at home. She M have had no romantic notion* on
,, - - , — * » I •*•«• **v • WtUMUMU UUUWUV UII
the subject, but would have insisted upon examining etxrytkina and
wouldn't hare let that Carpenter go until .he'd worried him into
mikinor good everything, all round. I Io 'd have met hii match.
Anen theft are, I notice on my viait, plasterers and masons all in
RlliiiTLY lluupy Thought.
—Country Farm Cottage
settled. I am now Mister
Landed Proprietor. Four _ _ ^
acres all my own. Intend Jeague against me. but apparently setting" "to "work with a will
to have board up with I l&ey are all making good," but not making better, which ii in
" Beware of the Dog." i reason the spirit, though not the letter, of the Landlord's contract.
By the way I must get a | Next important matter is a Gardener, and SUble-man. The
dog. Ought to have very <luel7 occurs, if I keep Mr. Pig who 's to look after him P The
savage one. ENGLEMOKI , Gardener or the Stableman? In a book on farming I recollect
says when he hears this, seeing that there is a regular Pig-man kept, just as there ii a Cow-
" Yes, get a sort of Mister herd for cows.
Pinoher." Notice to Bur- ' , -A propoi of pigs, what a very obstinate person the " pig-headed
glare— No Admittance. Lady" must have been.
It 's a very lonely spot. „ ^("PW, Thought.— Swine-herd. Advertise for a Swine-herd :—
No habitation within a Wanted, in a Gentleman s family, a Swine-herd, who will hare
mile or more, except a pot- no objection to milking a Cow." That's to say, " to save x's." as
house. Old woman who ENOLKMOKE would phrase it, a Swine-herd who doesn't mind being
keeps the house tells me a Cow-herd. Must keep two pigs at least ; with power to add to
that they always lock their number.
up early in the winter. I This consideration leads to others. On whom are the various
Why ? Oh ! she replies, duties to f all P
some queer characters For instance, Pigs ? Well, to the Swine-herd. Cows P To the
about then. " Queer Cow-herd. Poultry to the Poulterer. Or. let me see— isn't it a
Characters" sounds as if , Poultry- woman wno looks after fowls? Fowls to the Fowier. [I
the lanes were filled with suppose, though, that those oostermongery-looking sort of.fellow»
Guy Fawkeses. who go out in.the neighbourhood of. London, with nets and cages for
I don't like this account larks, are Fowlers. But larks are not fowls. Perhaps they used to
M ,. , , of the place. Nothing be in" old days. Mem. Ask. DAUWIK.] tl remember the title of
was said on this subject before I took it. It -was not so men- some book which would be very serviceable just now ; I fancy it was
turned in the bond, I mean lease. The Landlord and his The Little Poultry Woman's Guide: only, I'm afraid it rather
{solicitor— a Solicitor always appears where there 's anything to treated it as fun for children, and looked upon the poultry hutch
sign— met me and my Solicitor— and we really could have met as an amusing accessory to the doll's house.
one another without any legal assistance, being neither of us Happy Thought.— The mention of Fowlers and Larks, d propns of
to take the other at a disadvantage — and when I farming, reminds me, suddenly, that, years ago, the faithful HMK
that Nook 1 arm was in rather a lonely situation, Vox JOEL used to give imitations of a farm-yard, in which he oer-
JtoaLEMOBE, also present as amicus .curia, said. " So much the , tainly did introduce a lark (it was his chef facuvre, in fact, and
better— not overlooked. Don't you see ? Any little games in the concluded the entertainment), which was very much applauded by
?r'Iiinfran no one *° out °* ^8*er Second-floor Back and say, the country gentlemen who frequented EVASS'S in those good old
Hallo, Tommy I I admitted then, as did the Landlord and the two days. So that, as those country gentlemen must have. known what
Solicitors, that this absence of an inquisitive and objectionable neigh- was correct in a farm-yard, isn't it likely that the Fowler who kept
hour (as anyone would be who called out to you, 'r Hallo, Tommy ! " i the poultry was also the man they employed to oateh larks P (Don't
from an upper storey) was certainly an advantage. " Exactly," said see my way clearly in this, but more on this subject under
ENOLEMOKE, triumphantly ; "then there you are." There was, < " F.. Farming, Fowling," in Typical Developments, VoLiV., p. 82,
evidently, nothing further to be said on the subject. The Landlord Ch. VI., when I 've leisure.)
undertook all repairs, which accounts for my finding a carpenter in Must write to TKUORD, and two other country friends who farm,
the house rattling door-handles, and working locks backwards and to know what is absolutely necessary. Pigs : say two to begin with,
forwards, apparently trying to find out how little work he can do , Poultry : two to begin with. Cows : well, here again, two to begin
in the house without absolutely nullifying his contract with the with. Stop!— —
Landlord. Happy Thought.— Why not two of everything to begin with P
[ believe now, with my experience, that this crafty artificer took On consideration, this sounds like copying NOAH'S irk ; and my
this opportunity of laying the foundation for many of my subse- 1 Aunt, being strict on these points, mightn't like it when I tell her.
quent inconveniences. I write this after the event, and retro- 1 One thing is positively requisite — to make a list— to begin with,
spectively. He 'd got, as the list for repairs worded it, "to make Two lists to begin with? Yes; one, and a copy. Good. Alpha-
good " a lot of things, such as window-frames, sashes and fastenings, betically; taking everything in order, and so see exactly what I
rollers for blinds, bells, locks, all stipulated for in detail. "
done and finished in a proper and workmanlike manner.
he "made good" I have never been
to be.
What
exactly able to discover.
when I was looking on he was
he was "making it bad."
want.
Commence List ; heading it " Things Wanted for Nook Farm and
Dairy. Alphabetically taken." Commence with (of course) " A."
What does "A" stand for? Animals. Yet, true: but when I
,__,._ write Animals it will include all the other letters of.the alphabet at
as stated in the agreement : in fact, once. What can I put under " A " P
"making it good," and when I wasn't Happy Thought.— Ass._ Must have a Donkey for cart
My ^impression is that when he caught my eye, on any visit of
inspection to see how things were getting on, he assumed "a. proper
and workmanlike manner," oa «'*••»'•'"* «» **"* ««,«*«««««* . :„ j.~*
, and
generally so useful. Donkey will carry two bankets for little Uncle*
they arrive, to ride about in. (N.B. Most
" - • - - - I, . ,, _|..i
How he must nave smiled in his shirt-sleeve (having on no coat — , JACK and GIL. when
a garment which he only adopted out-of-doors in unprofessional , send for J. and G. at once). If I put Donkey under " A," what
intervals) when, on taking possession, I expressed my unbounded i shall I have when I come to "D"P No, on consideration, keep
delight and satisfaction with all the window-blinds, frames, sashes, i Donkey for " D," and try something else for " A." Let 's see
— J * — * — i ___r • ji TT ^ IT / 11 ..F!?i *- — :„*: .„,] »k-.« »u:. ««>* *« Ka
and fastenings as aforesaid. How pleased I was (and he too— the
villain !) when I found that I could lock and unlock a door (having
expected difficulties in this line), and with what a knowing air I
remarked, that the bells seemed to go a trifle stiffly at first, "but,"
said SLYBOOTS, the Carpenter, "they '11 work easier in time;",
and how I rang 'em all in turn, one after the other, as a "ringing for Birds,
in the new tenant " — which I fancy is some sort of ancient ceremony,
as the name has quite a familiar sound, unless I am thinking of
a Curate "reading himself in"— and perhaps I am. However,
when SLYBOOTS, the Carpenter saw me so intent on the renova-
tions, didn't he distract my attention by calling upon me to notice C and H
how he 'd repaired a skirting-board here, and another there, and "— 1— "
how the front door could be bolted easily, and how he 'd made the
back door, which had previously caused much vexation and annoy-
ance, now quite a pleasure to open and shut, — didn't he, I say,
dilate upon all these improvements until I felt inclined to weep
on his shoulder, and say, ' ' You really have done too much-
it must come in time ; and these things aren't to be done in a hurry.
" A." Apes. No, not on a farm. (Might ask DAKWIW, though,
whether there 's any chance of their becoming. Cows, if fed pro-
perly.)
Happy Thought.— " A" for Aviary, and naturally enough "B"
r Birds. There yon are. By the way, though, what Birds P . . .
" B " also stands for Bull. Dangerous thing to keep a Bull.
List so far. A for Aviary. B, Birds and Bull (with a query to
Bull). C, evidently Cocks. It's quite a pity that "H" in this
instance doesn't come next to " C." Better bracket them together.
Cocks and Hens. Now go back to D. D, Donkey. K,
__„ No. Pass over E. F, Fowls. C and! H though would
be included under F. Begin again. A, Aviary. B, Birds,
(refer to F). D, Donkey. S (uncertain). F (refer to C and H).
G, Gooseberry bushes, Greengages, Grass. *o. H (refer to F and C)
—Cocks and Hens; also Hothouses; alw Hortet. Quite forgot
Horses till this minute. "I," Implements. Must fill this list out ;
206
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1872.
A SETTLEMENT.
Plump Pater. " I DON'T OBJECT TO TOUR SON, SIR, BUT IT APPEARS TO MB THE YOUNG PEOPLE WILL HAVE NOTHING UNTIL AFTER
OUR DEATHS I Now, / AM GOOD FOR THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS. How LONG DO YOU MEAN TO LIVB ? "
[Thin Pater fails to admire problem.
thinking; it over carefully. At present I don't see anything until
P, which stands for Pigs, Potatoes, Parsley, Pheasants, Plums, Pickles,
Pears, Peacocks, Peas, &e., &c. Odd ! Everything suddenly appears
to begin with "P." Such a run on this letter. Shall end by spelling
Farm— Pharm.
Happy Thought.— Compile a book on Farming, to be called The
Modern Pharmacoposia. ... So much to begin with.
SEASONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
MY DEAE ME. ALDEEMAN PUNCH,
THE advent of Lord Mayor's Day leads me to ponder with
especial interest on the following information, which I find in the
Observer : —
" The best green-backed turtle can only be obtained off the coasts of the
outlaying islands in the Carribean Sea, called the Caymans, or in the deep
water of the coast of the Spanish Main, near Greytown and thereabouts."
Greedy as I am of every morsel of intelligence upon this entrancing
subject, I can gulp down the word " outlaying " as a substitute for
" outlying," and proceed with quickened appetite to swallowthe next
scraps of information : —
" The fish are brought to London in vessels fitted with tanks, by means of
which they are kept alive during the voyages. On their arrival in England
the turtles are transferred to large heated ponds or tanks, where they are well
fed and speedily regain any strength they may have lost through confinement
on the voyage."
Delightful reading this. Sir, to a man of tender feeling, and of
pretty tough digestion. How pleasant it is to reflect that such con-
siderate pains are taken to make the turtles comfortable while in
their transit hitherward, and that, after their arrival on our hospit-
able shores, no cost is spared to shield them from the rudeness of our
climate I One pictures with delight the meeting of the turtles in
their warm and cosy tanks, where they may shake fins with one an-
other after their long voyage, and wag their tails while they exchange
their little anecdotes of travel. Nor is it less delightful to the sym-
pathising mind of a man with a keen appetite, to consider that the
strangers are well fed on their arrival, and soon recruit their shat-
tered strength, and fill their shells with verdant fat by the good cheer
that is given them. To the man of real feeling this is sunshine to the
spirit ; out alas ! the sunshine is checkered by a cloud : —
" Only a small portion of the fish is used in the preparation of the famous
turtle soup. This is the glutinous part to be found between the shell and the
fish. A large proportion of the flesh is consequently sent to Kingston, Jamaica,
where the meat is saleable at about id. a pound.
How sad a thing it is to think that turtles are not wholly gluti-
nous ! 0 that their too, too solid flesh would melt in the mouth,
like their adorable green fat ! What a noble benefactor would that
man be to his species who could invent a way of turning turtles'
meat to soup, or else of so increasing their natural obesity that they
became entirely pinguid and their flesh grew into fat ! Such a con-
summation is the more devoutly to be wished, inasmuch as we are
told that:—
" In the opinion of persons engaged in the trade, the supply of turtle is by
no means inexhaustible."
Another cloud, and a still darker one, upon the sunshine I have
mentioned. Who that loves good living can read this mournful
news and not feel a pang of anguish at the thought which it awakens ?
What would life be without turtle, one may tearfully reflect, and
who can tell but one may live till turtles are extinct ? Coal is
deemed to be exhaustible, but there are substitutes for coal : with
wood, or peat, or even sea-weed one could contrive to make a fire,
and stew a turtle into soup. But when turtles are exhausted, of
what use will be our coal, and who can hope to find a substitute for
their delicious fat ?
Believe me then, in sorrow, yours reflectingly,
Finland Villa, Friday. EPICUBUS SOUPATUBUS.
BY WESTBUBY THE OETHODOX.
THE MODEBN " NOVATION " HEBESY. — Passing a policy-holder on
from one Company to another without his consent.
NOVEMBER 16, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
307
THE ART OF CONVERSATION.
fig Mr. Hawkins (sententiously). " Do Tor KKOW, MB. JAWKIKB, IT HAS OFTBJ
STKUCK ME THAT ONE MAN'S FOOD MAT BE ANOTHER MAM'S POISON ? ''
T Little Mr. JawTcins (more senttntivusly). " WELL, I WON'T oo so FAE AS TO SAT
THAT, ME. HAWKINS. EOT I AM CKBTAIKLT OF OPINION THAT WHAT MAT PKOTI
EMINKNTLV BENEFICIAL TO THE HEALTH— A— OF OKS INDIVIDUAL— A— MAT PKOVK
EXTKEMELY DETRIMENTAL, AND, INDZED, ABSOLdELT FATAL TO ANOTHKB INDIVIDUAL
— A — DIFFERENTLY CONSTITUTED — A I "
A MISSION FOR MEN AND BROTHERS,
(im.Nii, all of Love and Merer,
On a luiuiiin. Pulihc: '!• ir,
Nnuiflit t/i I.IMM Mammon's pone he
Goeth, lo SIK HAKTI.K KUKKK!
'Tin a nUtesnian valuable,
Envoy whom you send afar
'Mongst your tieroe and formidable
Flesh and blood to Zanzibar.
In their fellow-men they traffic ;
He depart* to atop that trad* ;
And will need a tongue seraphic
Heathen hearers to persuade.
May hu words convey conviction
To their N.ft.-in .1 lu-arto "intone I
May he win them l>> .<>n :
By the strength of speech alone !
To our sable Kind in duty
We, belovid, ne'er must lack.
Irrespectively of beauty.
Notwithstanding they are black.
But the cost of keeping niggers
In their skins free wilds to rove,
0 reduce to lowest figure* I
Ah, 't were beat done all for love !
Too. too little for black Brothers,
Though we try with.all our might,
Can we care, or e'en for others
Who are in our midst, and white.
Of you all, sweet friends, whichever
For a dog's loss, though so sad,
He could cry, with best endeavour
Could lament a human Cad '<
You it may, but should not, startle,
If, as possibly they will,
Circumstances shall SIK BABILX
Force to run us up a bill.
May just Rulers place all under
That new load incurred for Black* ;
Further still one class not plunder
By an increased.Lncome-tax.
The Chace.
Mas. MALAPROP, who is a staunch upholder
of the Establishment, has been "greatly shocked
to hear that in some parts of the country they
hunt with packs of Beadles 1 She wonders what
the Bishops and Congregation are about, to allow
such extraordinary proceedings.
MINISTERIAL DANCE-MUSIC.
AT a place in Arundel Street, Strand, under the Presidency of
MB. BEALKS (Master of Art*), the Pall Mall Gazette said the
other day in a Note :—
"Among the fashionable arrangements advertised /or next week is '»
soirie, concert, and ball," at two shillings a head, including tea, ' to celebrate
the peaceful settlement of the Alabama dispute and the second anniversary of
the Workmen's Peace Association.' "
Arrangements now fashionable among such people as workmen
and workwomen in Arundel Street, Strand, include one particular
suggesting ideas which an attempt to carry out might be made, with
a view to setting the fashion in a higher quarter. A series of Peace
Society's Balls might be given in certain political circles of the
superior classes. One speciality distinctive of Peace Dancing
ought to be a reformed nomenclature of Dance-Music. Gentility
has heretofore been accustomed to dance to tunes many of them
associated with war. The higher orders have hitherto used to trip
it on the light fantastic toe to measures occasionally named after
sanguinary battles, Alma, Inkermann, Solferino, and so on, al-
though, by the way, as yet, Paris has sent us no composition of this
kind bearing the name of Sedan. But now, instead of appellations
derived from triumphs of arms, your composers for the legs might
distinguish their works by titles commemorating the satisfactory set-
tlement of disputes by arbitration. Alabama quadrilles, and a San
Juan waltz would just now, perhaps, be popular among the Minis-
terial Section of the better sort of people. But America has no com-
posers of even Dance-Music. Otherwise we should now perhaps b«
seeing that waltz and those quadrilles commended to Nobility by
advertisements announcing them to be arranged "as danced at the
Mobility's ball*." .
MALA FIDE TRAVELLERS.
( Unlicensed by the Laureate.)
LATK, late, past ten, so dark the night and chill.
Late, late, eleven, but we can enter still.
Too late, too late, ye cannot enter now '.
No thought had we the night was so far spent,
And. hearing this, the Bobby will relent
Too late, too late, ye cannot enter now !
No beer, though late, and dark, and chill the night
0 let us in, and we will not get tight !
Too late, too late, yc cannot enter now !
A glass of gin to-night would be so sweet
0 let us in, that we may have it neat !
Too late, too late, ye cannot enter now 1
FOB rax "H"-LEW.
6090 EDUCATIONAL COURSE FOB AH UHKDCCATM
An ailcA-bone.
208
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1872.
"PITY THE POOR TEACHER."
Teacher. "AND WHAT ARE THE FOUR QUARTERS OF THE "WORLD?"
First Pupil. " PLEASE, TJSACHEB, AIR, EARTH, FIRE, AND WATER."
Second Pupil (eagerly). "No, TEACHER,— MATTHEW, MARK, LTTKE, AND JOHN.
THE HYDE PAKK PILLA.R.
THERE is a Stone, Rosetta hight ;
There 'a Cleopatra's Needle ;
A Stone yclept the Moabite :
A Stone we '11 name the Beadle ;
By one this last set up to mark
The hounds for stump-oration,
When mobs assemble in Hyde Park
To make a " demonstration."
The menace which that Stone surmounts
Has been by Patriots slighted.
With Fenian Roughs it nothing counts ;
And AYRTON'S hopes are blighted.
And so, since it has failed to scare
Democracy ungentle,
That Stone 's as little useful there
As it is ornamental.
Remove it then, that laughing-stock
In eyes of all who scan it.
Cart o'er the way that Beadle's block
Of brutum fulmen granite.
It is an object, though of fun,
Historical ; there stow it,
And, housed among South Kensington
Museum's treasures, show it.
MORAL FOE MILUONNAIRES.
BOTTNDLESS benevolence necessitates boundless avarice. To do no
end of good you must get no end of money. It requires very much
indeed to make one 's self as happy as one could wish, but to render
others so too, an infinity.
MEMS. FOR "MY LORDS."
ONE gun that will pierce, mind, is worth any number
Which will not, and an iron-clad vessel encumber.
Too small to be hit, with one gun, one gunboat
May be more than a match for the best ship afloat.
The smaller the boat, and the bigger the gun,
The more damage she'll do, and the less risk she '11 run.
In one little boat, hands, themselves very few,
Might send to the bottom a big ship's whole crew.
The lightest of boats, you must see, if you think,
Outweighs any, the heaviest, ship she can sink.
Legal News.
THIS advertisement appeared in a contemporary last week":
WIG.— Gentleman, having Cast-Off Wig, will be g'ad to give it to
a deserving person neediog one, who can be well recommended. Address
No. * » • * Office.
A copy of this was thoughtfully enclosed to the ATTORNEY-GENEBAT,,
who wrote a most graceful note to LOUD PENZANCE, declining the
article proffered by nis Lordship. It has not, however, gone long a
begging.
Refreshing Slumber.
WE put it to ARCHDEACON DENISON himself whether he would not
look upon it as avenial offence if a conscientious, right-minded man,
after reading steadily through the Thirty-Nine Articles, were to take
Forty Winks.
CHBONOLOGT.
June 18.— Victory of Waterloo.
November 9. — Triumph of Waterlow.
Printed by Jofpph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, In the Panih of St. James. Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, »t the Printing Ofices of Messrs. Bradbury. Brant. * Co., Lombud
Street, In the Precinct of Whitefrlara, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. &5, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.— 8iru»D IT. ft jvcmoer it>. 1S7J.
NOVEMBER 23, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAUI.
LOGICAL.
First Young Gent. " 0, MY DBAII FELLOW, DINIKC. OUT LAST NIGHT — ACCOUNTS
FOR 10UE BEING ' SKEDV. ' TOOK TOO MUCH WlNE, OF COUB8E ? "
Second Young Gent. " 0 no, IT WASN'T TBE WINB. B'SIDES, I COULDN'T HAVE
DKUNK TOO MUCH, 'CAUSE I 'M AS THIBSTT AS POSSIBLE sow ! ! "
TEMPLARS AND TEMPERANCE.
A CEBTAIX Judge uied to say that then wu no mob
a thing: as bad wine. All win**, he said, were good
only some wine* were better than other*. He was a
good Judge. Mind, he said, wine*, and, u a Uwye
said what he meant to aay— wine*, and not vinoui
ofhcinal nhums. Yes, he wai a good Judge. He never
got drunk. Wine never made him. It never doe* make
any good Judge drunk. All British Judges it-
J udges, and always were. J KKKKBTS was tie exotftfl
that prove* the rule. British Judge* aw, an ;
were, all sober. Hence the proverb, " Sober as a Judge,'
because it is seen that no amount of wine that a J udg<
may drink can make him drunk.
A large number of Judges dined on Thursday evening
last at the "Grand Day" Banquet in the "A
Hall of the Inn " of the Middle Temple,
they take not only their ease in their Inn, but ah
wine, a* they are accustomed to do. Nuw, then, since
their Inn wa* that of the Middle Temple, how ground-
less, as well a* arrogant and insulting, is the assi.
of which a section of teetotal fanatics are guilty in pro-
fessing a distinctive sobriety, by calling themselves
"Good Templars"! Genuine Good Templars practise
Temperance, not Teetotalism.
— —
Exemplary Prelate.
ACCORDING to the \Manchetter Guardian, DB. TIIIKL-
w ALL is going to resign the Bishopric of St. David'* for
fear lest, by-and-by, infirmities should incapacitate him
for its duties. The Church can afford to wait till they
do. It is said that the Burner or ST. DAVID'S was origi-
, nally a Barrister, and his utterance*, in both speech an<
writing, evince a logic which diatinguishe* the legal from
the clerical (and the female) mind. His faculties, a* yet,
remain unimpaired, and particularly his moral sense,
which, in the case of most Bishops and other clergy menv
is apt to get weakened or warped by habitual dogmatism,
the thoughtless or nnconscientious practice of continu-
ally asserting opinion* a* fact*. The Church will find it
difficult to obtain a successor to DB. THIELWALL a* sin-
gular a* he i* in that respect.
CHANOB OF
" THB seventeen Diets of Austria " I The people oj
that country are fortunate in having so many varieties ol
food. We hope to taste a few of them, next summer, at
the Vienna Exhibition.
OUR MATOES.
NOVEMBER having again brought round the show of chrysanthe-
mums in the Temple Gardens, and the election of those Chief
Magistrates in our Boroughs and Cities whom MBS. MALAFBOF has
been known to designate as Provincial Magnets, Mr. Punch, always
prompt to discharge a duty which only comes once a year, has carefully
examined, with a very powerful glass, such lists of the new Mayors
as have attracted his notice, in order to form some conclusion as to
the manner in which the various municipalities, scattered over the
tract of country lying between the Border and the Land's End, will
be governed during the ensuing year.
It is gratifying to remark that a large number of Mayors have
been re-elected on account of their affability, hospitality, wisdom,
wealth, and imposing personal appearance ; but Barnsley (and some
other towns) has preferred a Newman. Colchester bows to a Bishop
—the Establishmenfmust not be unduly elated, for Torrington bends
before a Chappie — while Southport contents itself with a Squire, and
York with a Steward. Leicester, as the capital of a great hunting
county, very properly chooses to follow tne lead of Foxton, and
Leeds, whose fame has hitherto been thought to rest more upon
broad cloth than broad acres, gives itself up to the guidance of Ox-
ley. Liverpool may think Samuelson betokens great antiquity ; but
such a comparatively small place as Tynemouth far outstrips it with
Adamson. There is a Bird at Deal — safe enough, for the Fowler is
a long way off, as far north as Durham. They have probably heard
the remark before, but the Conservatives at Stamford will not object
to be told again, that they have put the Wright Man in the right
place. If, unhappily, any differences should arise at Monmouth
between the bakers and their customers, they must refer it to
Rolls. The boys of Evesham will have to be careful what they are
doing, and not throw stones or let off squibs, for Byrch is an ominous
name. Clements is supreme in the ancient borough of Kingston-
upon-Thames ; but troublesome person* must not presume on this, or
forget that clemency is only one of the qualifications of an efficient
magistrate ; and if there is an unruly element in the population of
Trurp, it had better remember that the Mayor there will be Heard.
It will excite no surprise to hear that Lancaster for the third time
has stuck to Cotton— the capital of Lancashire could not make a
more fitting choice ; and the Army will be glad to know that the
abolition of Purchase is not universal— certainly it ha* not extended
to Uomsey.
Hoping that the Mayor of Lincoln will not find himself Hugh«*-td
up at the expiration of hi* term of office; indicating that the
Mayor of Cambridge is at once a Master of Art*, a Conservative,
a Barrister, a Recorder, and a Naylor ; mentioning that there i* a
man of Mark at Dartmouth ; noting that it will not be surprising
if, for the next twelve months, the common formula of " By
George ! " give place to " By McGeorge 1 " in the loyal old town
of Newark ; and observing that geographical divisions have been so
far disregarded as to unite Ireland to Brighton, Whitby to Yeoyil,
and Yorke to Penzance,— Mr. Punch takes the Loving Cup in both
hands, and drinks to the health of all Mayors and Mayorewes,
coupling with the toast the name of MB. ALDERMAJC CLAJULE, now,
for the ninth time, Mayor of Saffron Walden.
Great News.
TII F.KE are good times coming. Mai de mer i* likely to be abo-
lished by MR. BESSEMER (we were not equally glad to read, in a
review of MR. DAKWIN'S new book, that blushing " seems likely to
be lost," ELEANOR, and ALICE, and ISABEL, and a great many more
looking so charming under Hying colours) ; and " Foot-warmers are
now supplied to all third-class passengers upon the Great Northern
Railway." We shall yet live to see the streets kept tolerably clean.
VOL. ucm.
210
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1372.
at
us French friends relax
nothing of their wonted
vigilance and accuracy in
reporting English news.
Y^ou know, 2'ubias, that
to Zanzibar we send out
an Envoy, who is to stop
Hhe East African Slave
Trade. The admirably
chosen person is SIR
BARTLE FRERE. The
French papers say that
we have dispatched the
BAHTLE BROTHERS.
times, and that the audience had been in raptures. I was so disap-
pointed, you can't think, to find that the lyric is one of the eougs of
the African savages described by ME. STANLEY. And he unkindly
calls the affair " ridiculous." He is evidently unacquainted with
dramatic art.
Silver Wedding — charming. Golden Wedding— affecting. But
Diamond Wedding, no, come. When it gets to that I should think
people may have had enough of one another, and that diamond
might cut diamond. On second thoughts, that sentiment is worthier
of you, 2'obi/, than of myself.
' ' Tunding"— is the word
related to "Contending?"
— is a brutality, in the way
of chastisement, inflicted
•by the big lads on the
little ones at Winchester
School. Remonstrance, ad-
dressed to bigotry, is use-
less— the allowing head
boys to thrash others has
always been practised —
works well— men speak
kindly of their old school
— and all the rest of the
cant. But MR. DISRAELI gave one big school (it is reformed now,
so I won't name it) a damaging blow by stating in a novel that it
was so — something — " low." Let it get about that Winchester
School is low, — can anything be lower than the permitting brutality?
— and — you '11 see. This warning is well intended, and I doa't care
whether, as SHAKSPEARE has it, —
" Some galled goose of Winchester may hiss."
Events in France remind me of a picture in one of my earlier
volumes. Young mistress, engaging a cook, hears that the latter
has changed her situation very often. " Five places in six months !
Isn't that rather " "Ah, M'm, but my missises was such
young dpoces." France is settling the sixteenth Constitution she
has had in eighty years.
Boston, Lincolnshire, has been the first to come to the aid of
Boston, Mass., after the terrible fire. Well done, English Boston.
You remember that your American namesake sent you a generous
help towards repairing your beauteous church, which you call the
" Stoomp." A very noble jeu de Boston.
The coins exhibited at the new Guildhall Library, whereof more
anon, are very interesting. But I should like to see a large collection
of English medals. Some of them are very pleasing. I want to look
at one which represents the drawing and quartering of GRANDVAL,
who conspired to kill KING WILLIAM THE THIRD. I wish more of
these medallio memoranda were made. The beautiful art will go
; out like that of seal engraving. We do things, why not record
, them ? Where 'g the Australian Telegraph Medal ? However, I '11
have a Centenary medal which shall be an event in itself. You just
w»it, as the Catholic said to the Protestant.
My eye was ranging down the columns of a newspaper the other
day, and came upon this : —
Vlimengo. — Hoy ! Hoy !
Chorus.— Hoy ! Hoy !
Hoy! Hoy!
Ckoru*.— Hoy! Hoy!
Hoy! Hoy!
Chorus.— Hoy ! Hoy !
Where are you going r
Chorus. — Going to war.
Against whom .'
Chorus.— Against Mirambo.
Who is your master ?
Chorus.— The White Man.
Ough ! Ough !
Chorus.— Ough ! Ough!
Hjah ! Hyah !
Chorui.— Hyah ! Hj ah !
I naturally thought that a delightful new burlesque had been
produced somewhere, and I looked on for the announcement that it
was a brilliant success, that the above song had been encored five
England and Portugal have agreed on an Arbitration, and
M. ADOLPHE THIERS, the astute, is to be the Umpire. One would
not be rude, but GtORGE MEREDITH, in the Shaving *vf Shagpat,
asks a question : —
" When for one Serpent were Two Asses match ? "
Suppose the President discovers that the subject of qnarrel belongs
to— France ?
Lawyers are thought tube somewhat worldly, and not to
sentiment. Were you not charmed to read that at the feast in the
Temple the other iiiffht, LORD SKLBOKNE mentioned that his neigh-
bours at dinner had been discussing WORDSWORTH? I wonder what
they quoted ? Did any gentleman say that less good can be done by
" all the pride of intellect and thought" than with
"A few strong instincts and a few plain rules " ?
PROFESSOR FARADAY delivered a famous lecture on the Conserva-
tion of Forces. I heard it, and was the only person in the room,
except the lecturer, who understood it. Somebody should give one
on the Conservation of Faices. 1 see that ALFRED BUNN'S transla-
tion, called My Neighbour's Wife, has survived to be revived.
About a hundred years ago, or so, this farce was instanced by an
American traveller as a proof that English audiences loved vice and
vulgarity. It is harmless enough, and, if well played, as funny as
most farces. BENTLEY used to be as good in it as he was bad in
serious business. JOHN COOPEK, the decorous, seemed to enjoy the
lapse into slight non-conjugality. I think the piece used to be
played with the Jewess, which has not been equalled since, as at
once an exciting play and a grand spectacle. Miss ELLEN TREE'S
Hebrew maiden was a thing never to be forgotten ; and VANDENHOFF,
the tortured Jew, whose children had been burned — but I will not
deliver to you a lecture on the drama of ancient days.
DEFOE says that a fit of the gout clears the frame, restores the
memory, and enables one to make a number of curious and useful
reflections. On the first two points he is right. Ear- witnesses
inform me that the reflections I indulge in upon such occasions are
more remarkable for their curiousness than their utility.
A deservedly needy musician begged ingeniously. He wrote to a
friend three times for money, and the third time he said, "I am
sure you will now send. After three whole notes, a half note must
Do you know that the word Libertine is derived from the Latin
libertinus, signifying a f reed-man; that is, one of the Middle Class ?
Our own is so intensely virtuous that it can afford to remember
this.
My friend SIB AKTHTTR HELPS says:— "Read one hundred good
books, and you will probably know about all that has been done or
thought in the world." He is right. Sixty-two of them are behind
you there, Toby, and there will be another at Christmas.
What a comfort is disrobing after the dull party, and before the
bright fire ! When, as my friend LOKD HOUGHTON admirably says,
"'A man's Best Things are nearest him,
Lie close about his feet."
The letter X is a bothersome letter for makers of Alphabet rhymes
and such like rubbish. The folks who wrote the Saw England
Primer cut the knot somewhat easily : —
"X.
" XERXES did die,
And eo must I."
Here, if you please, is an Editor with a becomingly defiant spirit.
I find the passage in a colonial paper : —
" The epithets with which our gentlemanly conduct and mental abilities
are stigmatised, we can well afford to bear at the hands of a city, of which
we, with but few exceptions, constitute the only persons possessing any intel-
lectual and social position whatsoever."
NOVEMBER 23, 1873.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
211
APPALLING MENACE.
Mr. Punch. "ALL VERY WELL TO SAT 'CHEER UP!' BUT i» THIS
SORT OF WEATHER GOES ON HERE, I'M FOR A VSTRALIA. I 'LL MANAGE
ENGLAND BY TKLEGRAPII. SPLENDID HOT SUNSHINE IN AUSTRALIA,
SIR, WAS REPORTED AT THE TELEGRAPH BANQUET ON FRIDAY NlOHT —
MESSAGE SENT IN AN HOUB. I 'LL go, SIR ; SEE a I DON'T ! "
[Exit, growling hideously.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Mem. Have sent for little UNCLES JACK and GIIX to come to
the Nook. They are coming : like Christmas, and the Campbells,
oh dear ! oh dear !
While Nooking I have lodged in town, and have run down every
day to the Nook to see how things are getting on. Things don't
get on very much. To expedite matters, I take on the old woman
pro tern till I get servants, and furnish my bed-room.
Sappy Thought. — Household proverb. Furnish a Bed-room— the
Dining-room will take care of itself.
No Gardener as yet. No Pony, no Pig, in fact, at present, nothing
under the letter P. Happening to pass a Nurseryman's within three
miles of the Nook, it occurs to me that I might hire a Gardener from
this establishment. It chances that MR. GUTCH, the head man, is on
the spot, at tea. I tell him that I want some Gardener — which
Bounds, after saying it, as if I 'd gone to a grocer's and asked for
come currants, and I seem naturally to expect the reply, " Some
Gardener f Yes; how much ?"— But MR. GCTCH doesn't take this
view of it. He only eyes two geraniums in pots, and rubs his
unshaved chin with his right hand meditatively. Presently, he
observes that he supposes I want some men to put my garden in
order. I reply to this " Yes," and really it suddenly appears to
me that I 've been making quite a fuss about nothing. MR. GUTCH,
still rubbing his chin, and consulting the wishes of the (wo geraniums
— he evidently understands the language of flowers— wishes to know
what sized garden mine may be ? 1 am tempted, I own it, to mag-
nify this to GDTCH by mentioning the acreage of the entire estate.
1 do not, however, ana limit my reply to about two acres, whereupon
MK. GUTCH thinks that it would be better if his foreman came over
to see it. Agreed. To-morrow. Time fixed. Business done. Exit
myself. GUTCH takes up the two geraniums fondly and carrier them
End of icene between me and the Nursery
off with him to tea.
Gardener.
On returning to Nook I find a packet containing two book*, and
a sort of invoice from ESULEMOHI : -
" Here you ar. .*,, ' Tin Flower Garde*, anJ How to
'.' • , ' '''• «. ,md hov tu A
1 >/•<»'•• .W to *,*>/.
Ann.f, 'ur fanner and ttotUrokir aii in one. UuU» on chany
in the country. I,,tru<iuce him r ll'ir, I,,,.
Bin.
Will dive into the books on my return. l!i »GAT'» LUt looki
attractive on the out»ido, there being a coat-of-arm-
MMtJp*— and the picture* of two Exhibition medal*, gained bjr
••MAY for turnips, or something in that line.
I notice at a cnrn.ry and superficial glance that the Lilt i* illus-
trated, and that Iti M, \y has treated bit plant* and vigetable* a* if
they were hi* children, giving them all hi* name. For initanee,
under the left, r A. (for BUHGAY K'"'» in on my plan, 1 urn i/'i.l t.
:ilphul.< tical order, which, a* he is a great pr-jfemional Gar-
und 1 'm only beginning, is nattering to my instinct*,) h--
begins with —
ASPARAGUS. Bungay's Improved Purple-Topped (Prize, IMG).
BEAMS. The Buugay.
,. The Ornamental Bungay's Own.
The Improved Wanderer (Bnngay).
Bnngay's Giant Egyptian Blue.
„ Bungay's Miniature Turnip.
„ King of the Bnagays (Prix.-. ]*•;_•. Birmingham).
BEOCCOLI. Bungaj's Chinese Hybrid.
CUCC.MIIKR. Bongay's Mammoth Snowball.
„ The Hero (Bungay).
„ Uuooly Snn Buneay's Milky Chine**.
„ Swiss Bungay's Early Scarlet.
CABBAGE. Bnngay » Incomparable Nosebag1.
,, Bungay's Prolific Climax (Priac, 18<;i. Ixjndon).
Some great rokjects, evidently beggaring verbal description, re-
quire pictorial explanation, as I notice is the case with Hungay'i
tycJthrf A'tyro, which occupies a whole page, representing bean*
afl a-growing and a-blowing. Then the Purple- Poddtd Wonder
[some relation, I fancy, to the Negro just mentioned), i* described,
under a picture of itself, as " a very heavy cropper."
Happy Thought. — Mem. for the hunting-field. Instead of saying
o a fellow who hag come head first over a nasty place, " You 've
come a very heavy cropper," a man with a taste for gardening would
say, "Hallo! You've come quite a Purple-podded Wonder,
ih?': r- '-I
Bungay1! Champion, next described on hi* Hit, is, odd to »ay, a
lunner. Sounds more like a Coward than a Champion. BOIUAT
s a man of exuberant fancy, and yon might almost imagine he 'd
ompiled hi* list as a Christmas book for children, so full i* it of
leroes (Peas), Champions (Broccoli), Dwarfi (Parsnip*), Giant*
Cucumbers), Mammoths (Turnips), King* (of Potatoes), Queen*, (of
Narrows), Prince* (of Spanish Onions), Prince**** (Beet), Emperors
Leeks), Golden Globes (Tomatoes), the Niagara Sqna»h Pumpkin*
or Cinderella, Romantic Russian (Radish), and Long-Podded Ne-
Toes.
Happy Thmight.— Write a Vegetable Christina* Fairy Book for
Vegetarian Children.
Among the Flowers I have, I see, a surprising choice. Hen '• the
Warsceiciczii (uncommonly like the voice teeny'), the AqmUfia
Oaryophyltoidei, the Chamepena diatantha (known in Eighth as
' Bungay's Fishbone This tie "), the Major Cimrolculut, which reminds
me of ENGLEMORE, who would, however, have probably called it
' Colonel ; " and, finally, as I haven't time at present to note anv
thers, the Heracleum gignnttum, or " Bungay's Cow Parnip,"
' effective" (he adds, in italic*) " M iAr«oi«ne«." I should tbik
so. Rather. A strange creature, which is something between a
Cow and a Parsnip, would be effective in a shrubbery : and a jolly
mess he 'd make of it Which part of it would be a Cow, and
which Parsnip ? Important question, on account of the milk.
The above I 've noted while training up to town.
Happy Thought.— Proverb for Stoker*,— Train up to town in the
way yon should go, and then there won't be an accident.
Meet KUOLHJIORE just stepping into oab. He's in a harry. Off
or Mister Furniture. Why this impetuosity, I ask ; ii it true he i*
oing to be married f He winks and Uugns knowingly a* he re-
lies on the step of the Hansom, and confidentially, a* it were, between
me and the cabman, " Little Tommy Wedding, eh ? Cake for two,
rolonel. You '11 see. All right, "-to Cabman, "drive on." Then
urriedly out of window, a* if h« 'd remembered somethina; moit
mix.rtant at the last moment, and r mphasi*iug it with hi* umbrella,
' Five minutes with yon . . . Mr. Farmer, and . . . ." the re»t i* lo*t.
Let me see. Nert point is to advertise for Gardener.
212
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1872.
GRADUAL EXTINCTION OF THE LATIN RACE.
Iff ANSWER TO AN ADVERTISEMENT, THE BLOND HERR PATATENKOPF AND THE DARK-EYED SlONOK GUSBERITARTI APPLY TOOETHER
AT Miss ROSELEAF'S ACADEMY FOR THE POST OF MUSICAL INSTRUCTOR TO THE YOUNG LADIES. VERY MUCH TO THE DISAPPOINTMENT
OF HER FAIR PUPILS, MlSS EOSELEAF COMES TO THE CONCLUSION THAT GERMAN MUSIC IS THE SAFSST, AND PRUDENTLY SELECTS
HERR PATATENKOPF.
J. B. AND HIS M.P.'S.
YES, my advanced Reformer, I grant you all you say,
There never yet was country ruled in such a wilful way :
BRITANNIA'S Constitution of " anomalies " is full,
And the worse they are the less they seem to annoy that ass, JOHN
BULL.
Yes — it is most annoying, the old fool, to see him stick
To a representative system that defies arithmetic,
And, instead of assigning Members, at fixed rate per head, or
tale,
Sows them broadcast, helter-skelter, without symmetry or scale !
No equal electoral districts, cut and dry and plain to view,
Where one Voter 's as good as another, if he isn't better too :
No machine for stereotyping the Majority's sovereign will,
And gagging the Minority, and making it lie still :
No patent roller for crushing invidious distinctions down
Of mechanic and agriculturist, of country-place and town :
No sausage-machine to triturate the slow bucolic mind,
And .the high-pressure town- wit into one, with graduated grind;
No patent self-acting mule or frame for turning out M.P.'s
Of the regulation pattern, as like as a swarm of bees,
As brisk honey or money makers, and, to boot, as humble too, —
Which delegates are bound to be, my Lord Electors, to you.
The old fool persists in saying that he rather likes a puzzle,
That he doesn't see that it's always wise minorities to muzzle ;
That he doubts if majorities needs must have the right upon their
side,
That, in fact, he prefers his boilers with the safety-valves not tied !
That he has enough already of these engine-turned M.P.'s,
Who vote as they 're bid, and think as they 're told, or as Mob
their master may please :
That he 'd rather not be reduced to a choice 'twixt local respect-
abilities
And demagogue-delegates, whatsoe'er their voting or talking
facilities.
That he likes the clash of men and minds — not the chorus of
parrot-phrases ;
That he wants collective wisdom, not folly's predominant phases ;
That the work for his House of Commons is to thresh and winnow
opinion,
Not to set up nostrums of the day in bitter, if brief, dominion.
And among other notions he has groped from the dust-hole of the
past,
Is the notion that the cobbler had better stick to his last :
That 'tis a fool's game to look for Reforms in the ven'rable Hall of
Codgers,
And seek Solons or Lycurguses in BBADLATTGHS, DILKES, and
ODGEBS.
Astounding Intelligence.
ABE we in Wonderland ? We rub our mental eyes, and wildly
stare and fancy that we must be dreaming. Still, here it is in actual
print, like the ballad of the Jabberwock : —
" Bonnets are still worn much the same in shape as those of last month."
Can this be really true ? Is it possible that ladies can consent for
two whole months to wear their bonnets "much the same in shape ? "
Varium et mutabile semper in most affairs of life, the fair sex in
none is more so than in fashionable matters. We shall be tempted
to believe in the strong-mindedness of women, when we find them
wearing bonnets of the same shape for a month or two together.
H
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H
NOYKHMB 23, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CFIARIVARI.
-'15
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
( Visit tu the South Ke.nitingtnn
Entrance to the ~
me with sympathetic
He kii.-w it well, and
Refreshm.-nt R->om P" He beamed upon
, eye. and directed me willingly and clearly. ..c .ucw lv w(m, »„„
fun MVMNM r»ntinued—from tht I tve acc°mpanied me, but that §t*rn duty nailed him
Refreshment Jlwtm.Y. il at th| turnstile, and perhaps, aUo, he had ju.t finished an early
dinner. So at once, after miking him ray courtesy and obrUanoe. I
walked in the direction in«li.:>ited, and, gadzookii, Sir' the burly
tamer was right, for, in good sooth, hero were the flu» doon of
the Refreshment Room.
Finding that I could Innoh. representatively, without i.revioc
ordering or long: waiting, which in matters of food I detent, holding
11 sure and certain proverbs for meal time*, that " Delays are
dangerous —they are to me, doctors have uid so- and that
Lunon "erred maketh me T«ry unwell"— I determined upon
n-fre»hment omrd, mentally, before
OST certainly the en-
trance to the 8. K. Mu-
seum is rather calcu-
lated to depress than
raise the spirits. The
feeling seizes upon you
that having come so far,
it would be cowardice
to retreat at the last d'{T«>ting the items of the
moment. Show me the selecting them for attack, cori*>r<-ally.
person, who, visiting „ i walked into the hall of Restauration. In the distance, on mvriiht
T BQCV • rvvtllinn. l!_« _!._.._- _L 1
; and on my
dull u
the Museum
first time, has
boldly and straightfor-
wardly, without flinch-
ing or stopping, right
up to the turnstile-
vsting wae no tie a o estauration. In the distance,
for the I saw » (frilling- tire, whence chops came hot and hot ;
walked 1 I saw a quiet private dining place, which looked
Media tututimm. and not only U it a great thing tu be
sate in a middle course, but, fora lunoheon-e»t«r, 'tis a matter of vast
importance to know what coarse U safest for the middle. My chuic*
. _ ___ _______ I "V11 not reveal. Suffice it that I lunobed, satisfactorily, to all
pa) ing place, and I '11 parties concerned. The Refreshment Koum at the S. K. M., I noticed, U
say there .'s a gentle- a K0°a pl*oe for sound. It* acoustic properties were thoroughly well
man, or lady, who i tned by two middle-aged ladies in attendance upon a very deaf old
doesn't know what gentleman, who, I do believe, was the identical venerable clergyman
nerves are. whom Your Representative met tome week* since at the Dorfc
Round and about , Gallery, where I trust my worthy friends, the Colonel and his oom-
those melancholy grass- panions, are doing well- bless them I Above all the buzz and hum
plots, which try with °f the diners, the clatter of plates, knives, forks, glasses and
the best possible inten- spoons, the voices of the two middle-aged ladies sounded, distinct
tions to give a countri- *».d shrill, dutifully addressing their aged relative, who I rather
fied air to the exterior of the S. K. Museum (but what an impossible think was inclined to over-eat himself.
'/ Won't you take any veal and ham P " asked the first Niece, in a
voice which from the other end of the room reached me. The Uncle
smiled, and asked her what she had said.
" Won't you take any veal and ham ? " bawled her sister in his
ear, while lunchera, barmaids, and waiters awaited hu reply in
breathless suspense.
He answered something in almost a whisper, audible only to his
Nieces. General dUappomtment Result, at all events, no veal
and ham. Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, conversation and clatter resumed.
thing to eountrify a Museum !) — round and about these plots, 1
remark, some original Kensington Museumers have been playing
skittles and ninepins with building materials, knocking them about
in all directions, and then have gone away without putting up the
things tidily. • ^g
Here is the dfbris of old palings, looking, as if, in very ancient
days (perhaps in the Universal Deluge) a gentleman's park had
been washed away, and these had been left by the receding waters.
Here too bricks, plaster, .stones, and timber, becoming useless for want . — . ...__,_.
of use ; rubbishing relics of the past, with very little promise about i Presently, for above the din, arose the awful question, " Will you
them for the future. A charming background to these is formed by j take some beer ? " put by the first Niece, whose voice was evidently
a dilapidated iron house, filled apparently, to the eye of Your un- | n.ot strong enough for the work. Again he smiled, and begged her
initiated Representative, with broken pianos, of which the above- sister to repeat the words,
mentioned eye catches sight through the large windows wherewith
the iron shed is lighted. Not far from the police lodge is a statue of . „ ,
somebody, unclothed, who having shot an arrow vaguely into the air, I toe of expectation. Barmaids with their hands on all sort* of taps.
and iused such force in doing so that the string has disappeared with \ ^h ' 7es .... he will have some beer. Waiter paralysed for a
:*. :- _!.__: — _ *t - 'moment b
herself (I
must ask,
it, is now staring upwards in the vague expectation of its soon
coming down again. The visitor seeing this figure, from a dorsal
point of view, does not feel inclined to walk round and inquire for
whom it is intended. He takes it for granted that it 's all correct
and classical, and he will then walk slowly towards the door of the
8. K. Museum, bracing himself up for admission as for an opera-
tion that must be performed, but which, like having a tooth out,
or paying a small long overdue account, one puts off as long u
possible.
There are three goats, and a lot of classic vases, all making
praiseworthy efforts, to keep up appearances. I was sorry to see
that one Goat attempted comicalities on its hind legs ; but the
way the two others turned their heads, and gave him such a look,
settled him at once ; and then he pretended that he 'd only been
rearing himself up to pick some food from the branches of a small
tree ; an assumption that couldn't have deceived anybody (let
alone .the two goats, who knew all about it as well as he did), as
there wasn't one leaf to be seen on the withered shrub, in which he
wished his companions to think him so deeply interested. I sighed,
and walked towards the door. The portal at last. Over it is a
deterrent black board— naturally a black bpard, which, with chalk,
is a tradition in any educational system — simply announcing, how-
ever, that this is the Entrance to the Museum : a conclusion that
might have been arrived at by any astute observer, who had already
penetrated thus far, without this intimation. But there it is, and
so it is ; and very kind of the Authorities to put it up.
After presenting myself and my sixpence — both good — to tbe re-
spectable and polite door-keeper, whom I regret to have disturbed at
his second mouthful of luncheon, I submitted to the indignity of the
turnstile (which always makes me feel as if some one was checking
me off, and seeing that / don't cheat), and having thus passed,
figuratively, under the yoke, I paused, and wondered what I
should begin with first. The savoury smell that issued from the
ticket-taker's lodge appealed to ray Inner Consciousness. " Gentle ,
Sir," said I, to a third Stout Policeman, " Where, prithee, is the |
Won't you have tome beer P " shouted the sister, and fell back
in her chair exhausted. Breathless suspense again. Waiters on tip-
by a difficulty. What beer P The First N^ieoeoan't help
• !l__»a. A_I l-_a. XL . *. -I. 1 _ i* _. +• \ tr
on't mean to beer, bat that she has no alternative)— she
and her voice has become weaker within the but ten
minutes, —
" What beer will you take ?"
I respect age, but out of pity for this younger Nieoe (about thirty-
seven I should say— not more) I could have shaken that old Uncle.
He would not hear what she said. Onoe more it wai the elder's
turn, and she strained herself for the effort, succeeding, at a fright-
ful sacrifice of throat and lungs. He nodded " Yea," in a whisper,
"he would take some stout."
" Bottled P " asks the Waiter, convulsively, hU eyes starting oat of
his head as he yells at him. The old gentleman wants to know
what that young man is saying.
" He says Bottled I " shouted First Niece, despairingly. Her
Uncle considered it feebly, but made nothing of it, except to repeat,
quietly, "Yes, I said stout," whereupon he was informed by the
elder and stronger Niece, now exasperated beyond screaming point,
that the word wa. "Bottled." " Will-you-take-BottledV^
" If yon please, yes, thank you." he answered, mildly, quite uncon-
scious of there having been any fuss about it
The liquor U served, and by the time I am half way through my
modest luncheon the Nieces, who had been reserving themselves for
a final effort, shouted out, first one,
together, " Have— you— done P"
He signifies, in a lower whisper than ever (having gorged himself
to this tone,— I 'm afraid he is a greedy Uncle), that he has quite
finished. Soon after this he is taken away. As I continue my humble
meal, I wonder to myself how much apiece those two ladies expect
from that very trying relative. Is it part of their policy to stuff
him P They pass through the glass doors and disappear. How much
a year would I take to go about with a deaf man and explain every-
thing to him P Subject for consideration at lunch. After luncheon
to walk through the S. K. M. to the National Portrait Gallery will
be, Sir, the duty and pleasure of { YOUB
been reserving themselves for
e, then the other, then both
216
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1872.
A BRAVE LADY."
(At a Local Election.)
Strong-minded Young Person (escorts the little Vicar and her Aunt to Vote). " I'M ASTomsaxD AT YOUK BEING NBEVOCFS ims YBAB,
AUNT ! WHY, WE HAVE ONLY TO PUT OUE FAMES IN A Box ! "
WYKEHAM'S CHOICE AT WINCHESTER.
IT is known to many in this land that the motto of WILIIAM OF
WIXEHAM was " Manners makyth man." The way in which this
maxim is carried out at the School which he founded, may be known
to comparatively few. Aloft, in the school-room of Winchester
College is posted the following pregnant line : —
" Aut diace aut discede ; manet sors tertia, cocdi."
This is generally taken as an admonition either to learn, or be off,
or else, thirdly, to remain and accept the condition of being flogged.
That is to say, flogged by an executioner not more nearly equivalent
to CAI.CKAFT in his prime, or to the Warder who has replaced ME.
CAMRAFT at the Newgate whipping-stocks, than the Head-Master
of Winchester College for the time being. The learning with whose
neglect residence at the last-named institution is compatible on the
terms of a flogging, is commonly understood to be that of Latin and
Greek, and such other lessons only as may be prescribed there by
the pedagogues. Finally, the instrument of its infliction is sup-
posed to consist of small apple-twigs. From a letter in the Times,
however, signed "E. MAUDE," it appears that the alternative of
neither learning nor leaving at Winchester College is that of being
beaten, not only with twigs, or with a normal rod of any kind, by a
Master, for neglect of studies, but with a tough sapling, by a Moni-
tor, for omission to get up slang. It also appears that " cadi"
means not simply to be flogged, but also to be " tunded," and that
the "tunding" is wont to be inflicted by a Monitor, alias Piaefect.
So that the verse above cited might as well run : —
" Manet sors tertia, tundi."
The gentleman already quoted gives the following description of this
academical torture :—
"Now, a Prefect's 'tunding' is the most dreadful punishment imagin-
able, and hurts far msre than any Master's flogging. The instrument is a
ground-ash stick ; from the seasoning it receives, tough as whalebone, and
from three to four feet long. Fifteen cuts from such a weapon will leave the
shoulders — it is given across the shoulder-blades — so sore that the strongest
boy will not be able to bear the hand passed roughly over the injured parts
for at least a week after without flinching."
He then proceeds to state that a certain boy, who had been sen-
tenced to be " tunded " by a " House " of Prefects for having, with
right on his side, according to the rules of the school, disputed their
authority over him in a question of "fagging," actually received
thirty cuts. And he adds : —
" What state he must have been in I shudder to think of, and I should
think that four ground-ashes must have been broken across his shoulders, if
not more. On hearing this I wrote to the Head-Master, thinking he could not
be cognisant of it. As his reply was private, I cannot publish it. But this I
think I am at liberty to state, that he thought the punishment excessive, and
the Praefects wrong in their decision. But what is done ? Was the Praefect
who gave such a ' tunding ' expelled, and those who sided with him
punished as they deserved ? Not a bit of it. The Praefect was merely made
to apologise — to say he was sorry for an act which was unauthorised by the
rules of the school, which perhaps has occurred since, and certainly will occur
again unless this power is for ever taken from the hands of boys, who are
certain to abuse it."
It must be only very lately that the Head-Master of Winchester
College can possibly have become cognisant of the "tunding" which
goes on at that seat of learning and contusions. It is no longer ago
than 1869 that DE. MOBEKLT was created Bishop of Salisbury. The
practice of " tunding" can up to that date have been known to exist
only by its perpetrators and their victims. ME. P. A. TAYLOK,
ME. JACOB BKIGHT, and the women who exclaim against the bar-
barity of whipping garotters, may perhaps be invited, by persons
who do not understand them, to raise their voices as loudly against
that of "tunding" college boys. They would thus constitute an
effective chorus, in which the screaming counter-tenors would come
out in fine contrast, yet accord, with the groaning basses. But,
then, garotters are not innocent young gentlemen ; nor is the inflic-
tion of "the lash "on criminals of the lower orders calculated to
NOVEMBER 23, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
217
VALOUR IN THE FIELD.
" Hi ! JACK ! LOOK ! THMI 's A HARK ! "
" A— A— A— A— ALL RIGHT ! WHO'S AIKAID t"
A TRAP TO CATCH A JOKE.
ST. the wooden of I'drii u a rain aid to be tiring
Hue lUmponneau, the modem oounterutrt ..t
VALKITINB OKKATKAKKM. H.- was formerly a soldier in
a regiment of /juaves, but lome yean since quitted tin-
Army to practiw curative Mennerum. Still call. .
Zouave JACOB." he is reported to heal diseases by hi.
touch. According to the .i"-nir \iitiunal .•—
'•With an atprct of profound ooorii-tion, he lajri hi. hssri* on
the nek and paralytic, u-lli them to w«lk, and they drpwt .ill.
a penuauon that there u sn improTemrnt in lb«u c«o4ilion.
However it may he, JACOB hu not nude a forlan* by mafStstMn,
for he admits that, without adding to it the bjauaew of a hatter,
he should not know how to lire."
Now, we know what you will say, tome of you.
will say that J ALUM is mad u a hatter. n un't.
On second thoughU, don't you think that he u —-^ u a
Mnnuiiiil
Progress .in Fireproof.
Nou stone, nor iron, for fire-proof building '• Rood
We 're told ; we must go back, 'tis aaid, to wood.
Does brick than timber burn more fa»t aw
Should it not answer, gutta-percha may ;
Or rather India-rubber, we sappow,
Since that 's elastic, as the out word goes.
Commons and Enclosure.
THK CHAXCELLOX OF THE EXCHMUCK, at the Lord
Mayor's Feast, complained that the Houae of Commons
of late had been taking upon itself the proper functions
of the Government. M.K. Low* refrained from illustrat-
ing his complaint by examples. One instance in point
might have been suggested to him by local circumstances.
He was speaking in Guildhall, and it was the influence
of the Corporation of London, exerted in the House of
Commons, which defeated the Government's proposed
measures designed to legalise the further enclosure of
Epping Forest.
discredit, and to damage, one of the chief educational establishments
of the Church of England.
_ In the meanwhile, have the Magistrates of Winchester no jurisdic-
tion over Winchester College, and could they not, on due information,
order the Police to keep an eye on the Prefects f
GOOD-BYE, DOWSE!
DICK DOWSE, DICK DOWSE,
Is it lavin' the House ?
How '11 we ever at-all-at-all manage widont you ?
Give Punch hould of your hand,
While he tells to the Land,
Ologone ! Dick, aviok, how he 's peltin' about you.
Get Socrates mellow,
And he 'd just be DICK'S fellow,
For figure and feature and forehead so high,
Wid as good a pritince
To logical sinse,
But there 's more nor the sage in our broth of a boy.
For Socrates, Solon,
Jugurtha, Timol'on,
Caisar, Augustus, or young Alcibiades,
Had diyle a bit
Of the likes of your wit
No more nor a tom-cat or one of the Pleiades.
For whiniver DICK'S pate
Shot up from his sate —
Like the sun in a state of sublimest (rood-humour —
The worst Prose in the House
Sat as still as a mouse,
And the sleepiest Mimber woke up at the rumour.
The Reporters' long faces
Got short' nin' like blazes
At this Smiling Oasis such sandy stuff af ther :
Why ! even the Bobby
Snaked in from the Lebby,
And almost destroyed himself chokin' wid langhther.
Whilst fluent SIB JACK
You 'd stretch in a crack
On the broad of his back wid your classical knowledge ; •
Or — you funny ould thief —
At a tip from your Chief,
Talk out BALL, to hu grief, upon Trinity College.
But, DOWSK, DICK Dowsx,
You 're lavin' the House,
a judge from this out to the end,
And put on the black cap,
You unfortunate chap!
Well, here 's luck to your Lordship- for Punch is your friend.
* Vidt the last debate in the HOUM on Woman' • SiOfraje.
To
LETTER FROM AN ARTISAN.
SIR,— as For this Winchester buisness It Defy content but i Hope
Yon will show It up for Your Art is in write plays Tho You Hit ard
at Times Sir Am not a Softy And wold give a Boy a hideing if nead
wich have often Dun wich cause Words with there Mother but never
Rose And to her wold Suner cut it of but to wollop Until a Lode of
Sticks was Broke and give Thirtev cuts all for Nothing Is an asault
wich I wold Punch is head and His master to but serpose This is the
War wich yung Swells lurn sweatness and Lite which Make Them
so clever and Brave to Make us heat umble Py wen They grow Into
guvning Clasae by insert wich will oblidge
Your humble Sett.
To Punch. A FATHUL
218
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIUVAPJ.
[NOVEMBER 23, 1872.
A FAITHFUL WATCHMAN.
Sector (who has a view of the Country from the Reading-Desk). " I THINK IT ONLY RIGHT TO MENTION TO YOU, FABMEK ROBLNSON,
THAT I CAN SEE SOME BOYS — AH — PUKLOINING YOUB APPLES ! "
[Clerk (who was hard of hearing) was just commencing to give out, " As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever—" when he was
stopped by our vigilant Pew-opener I
THE PEOPLE AND THE PAEKS.
(A Lay of the Lower Orders,}
WILL them bloated Persons trample on the People ? Douse their
light!
May the bloated 'lectric fluid spile their bloated horbs of sight !
Tell us we shan't go no further in Hyde Park than just so far ?
Check the People s demonstrations, them as made 'em what they
are?
When yer, eominj? in yer thousands, gathers in the Royal Grounds,
What 's the good if we can't only talk to yer within fixed bounds ?
Wus is bounds of sitivation, hot the two, than bounds of speech,
When the Persons as they 're spoke at, distant bounds won't let 'em
reach.
Fenian friends and sons of freedom, windicate yer right to go
Where the bloated Swells can hear usV-nigb. the Ring, or Rotten Row,
Or PBINCE HALBEBT'S bloated 'Morial, so as to make speeches there,
Like wa do beneath Old NELSON'S Collum in Trafalgar Square.
Mow we 've got that bloated AYETON, and that other Person, BEUCK,
Them there pair of bloated Persons, down upon us with a roos.
'Tis their dodge to have the People's leaders up afore the Beaks.
Yah ! and they calls then-selves Liberals, do they, pair of bloated
Sneaks ?
If they 've got the lawr on their side, which it mayn't be or it may.
Then they'll silence indiwidgials— that's the little game they'll
play.
Won't yer rally round " THUMB ODGEB," if them Persons should
pursue?
You, the People, if you don't, you'll all be bloated Persons too.
"PHCEBUS, WHAT A NAME!"
As a rule, Mr. Punch avoids mention of the appellations of persons
not before the public. But a private gentleman has announced a
name of which lie should be too proud to object to its reproduction
anywhere. This is his advertisement, in the Times : —
I Hereby give notice, that I will NOT be ANSWERABLE for any Debt
contracted in my name without my written authority after thia date. —
3, Macclesfield-street, Soho. November 12th, 1872. — PRZEJIYSLA.'W
WALEKY JOZAPHAT TCHOKZCWSKI.
" My Jo ! " as a friend of ours swears, if there were anybody with
patience and adroitness to learn and pronounce this, he would de-
serve any credit he might ask. But we should think the advertiser
quite safe. His "nomination" is what SOUTHEY describes in the
March to Moscow :—
" A name that you may know by eight very well,
But which no one con speak, and which no one can spell."
Something Graceful.
MB. GLADSTONE'S good health— which is happily restored— was
drunk after dinner on the " Grand Day " at the Middle Temple. In
returning thanks our PEEMIEH said : —
" I can only say that, in reference to the recent arbitration, the principles
upon which we have been proceeding have undergone no discouragement
whatsoever."
Good, WILLIAM ; but in so saying, did you not rather say grace
after humble-pie '<
LEGAL QtTEBY.
ME. JUSTICE BEAMWELL decides that it is no libel to call a man a
Welsher. Is it a libel to call him a Welshman P Let us hear from
ME. STANLEY, on his arrival.
Print'd by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, HoUord Square, In the Pamh of St. J*m««. clerk en well, in the County of Middlesex, at th« Printing Offices ol Megan. Bradbury, Evans, A Co., Lombart
bireei in tto I'I-L-C nc. of Whitcfrian.oi tne city of Ixmdon, aad Published by aim, at No. 86, Fleet street, lathe Faritaof St. firiae. City of London.— SiTTjapAv, November 23, 1872.
NOVI-MIIKK 30, 1873.]
PUNCH, OH THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
2ia
$)uncf) at Huncf).
change," should erect a statue to him. For don't they in ik« a fo*t
OV.T tin ir u<niii< -i '• The statue should be made of pewt«r— I must
not suiriffHt how this can ho supplied. Would you like to be a
(steward, Tiiliy t
Near my abode is fixed a placard warning mankind that a culprit
was lined heavily, th>: oth>-r il>iy, I >r . 1..-II."
I winh I could make a .similar cxamipK r, whu
oommiU a similar crime on Sundays, from
huroh b*ll§ wen- < xi'.-lK-nt thin.'- »
and watches, but now arc* an anm lir : -li proclaim-
ing tinn .
I'n-li fin' tlmsc Norfolk liillirn, li.-i-iM«<- they bare reminded me
III "itln • ;• rtolk and Suffolk complain
increase of attorneys in those parts. It was allrirrd
1 that tl: vuitv-fonr, siid that no i nd of lawsuits were the
liom T-H 1.1 -,'i;< il ihut tip iiunihrr might be oat
down to six or eight, at which, l.t UK hope, it remains.
There is no valid excuse for a man's getting tipsy. I am glsd
M,U want i.
•i 1-T a c - can be
found. I UIM
troni tin- i>n-st-nc t those to whom he known himself suiwrior will
to let loo*-' .irsation, ami who that ever
i jrorn I', i.' -Ims «• is ui.l. to ] r..-' rv himself from being
enslaved by bis auxiliary ': "
HEN I was inspecting: the wonderful curiosities in
the new Guildhall Library, I beheld several ad-
mirable portraits of the good and beauteous
QUKKN ELIZABETH. One, not very flattering,
she actually stopped, while it waa engraving. I made a sketch from
the unfinished affair. Behold the result. That was a great Show,
that in the City, and the .instigators deserve loud praise.
I am so pleased with the Coroner's Jury for the praise justly
awarded to CAPTAIN SHAW and his band of Braves for their gallant
behaviour at the great Flour-mills Are, that I do not care to ask the
gentleman who put the verdict into writing what he happens to
mean by the " arduous " manner in which the Captain and his men
did their work. Nay, I will defend the word. Arduus means high,
lofty. 'Tis more defensible than excelsior, in the poem, anyhow.
A Cook, advertising for a place, says, " A family, if plain, not
objected to." She need not apply at my house. But I know several
families that would suit her, though 1 dare say they don't think so.
What will certain advertisers give me for this suggestion? A
classical bit for their advertisements. Maxima debelur puero
Revalenta. They say it is very good for children.
I gave you a thundering verse by the mild DR. WATTS the other
day, Toby. Now I will give you a roystering verse by an austere
moralist : —
" When the bonny blade carouses,
Pockets full and spirits high,
What are acres, what are houses ?
Only dirt, or wet or dry."
That, Sir, is by our late friend, DR. JOHNSON.
His Royal Highness the late DUKE OF WESSEX was making his
difficult way through a crowded party in a very hot room, when he
encountered CAPTAIN PABRY, who had recently returned from an
expedition among the icebergs. "Ha! PARKY," said the Duke,
" how do you do i This is more like the South Pole than the North
Pole, eh?''
MEHKMRT A LI made a canal from Alexandria to the Nile, and
that enlightened but most barbarous ruler's execrable treatment of
the poor labourers caused the death of about 25,000 men, women,
and children, in a few weeks. Never. I suppose, was there such an
enormous display of contempt for the canaille. But he wanted
water very much, then.
MABCELLO (a Venetian poet and composer, my dear Toby, and he
has been dead a century and a half) wrote choruses for soprani and
contr'alti, who had to baa like sheep, and moo like cows. He would
have made his fortune in comic opera for Paris and London, now.
Will not some new creature, with similar gifts, arise r Hie
Marcellus erit.
If Mu. BESSEMER succeeds in vanquishing Neptune, that is, in
making a vessel iu which one can't be sick, those who " suffer a sea-
I have Notes— any Commentator shall have them for a r innd hut
remarkably reasonable sum — of many Shakspearian Qm-ri *. l'iv r-
•,if up. How iil.out th«sack that H'ltlium lost at
: How tnni'h v.er« Mn. Keech't prawns Y
What ' ' Who was tfatUr Siire-
(••ir,i, who is all nlyi1 Was Matter DumMetuift satin
warehouse celebrated? Why did Master Smooth, as a silkman,
exhibit the sign of the lubbar's (or leopard's) head P Is there a por-
trait of Mi*tr?,t» Eleanor Point t 1 1 mv fri.nd, DR. DORAS, the new
and most fitting Editor of \»Ut and Qutriet can answer me UMM
questions, I will kindly ask him some more.
I think that of all the stupid, bumptious, yet goody-goody name*
that ever were assumed by boobies, the name "Good Templar" is
the most offensive. The only excuse— what 's that, Toby, don't
mutter P The only excuse is that the blockheads wish to be distin-
guished from our neighbours the lawyers. 'Tis well, Sir, but there
is no fear of a mistake. Lawyers may be— well, imperfect, but they
are not fools.
'Tis difficult to signify, gracefully, to one's Religious Han (well,
you My Medical Man), that his discourses are unacceptable. Perhaps
this delicate remonstrance is as gentle as such a thing can be
made : —
There was an old preacher in Hull,
He had nothing at all in his skull,
His nook came before him,
And said, " Cockalorum,
Your sermons are awfully dull."
I do not habitually drink beer. Why P Because I cannot habitu-
ally get good beer. But if one of our great Breweries would imitate
the^noble and beautiful example of the Brewers of Heidelberg, and
other German cities, and would have a private club-room attached
to the premises, so that the Select might get the genuine fluid rreah
from the cask— non tinefumo—\ should be heard of, on sundry even-
ings, in that vicinity. Deuttchland, DeutscMand, fiber aUtt, etc.
The most exquisite courtesy in language may accompany the most
atrocious cruelty in action. I have felt this upon many occasion!
when I have been rejected by young ladies. I suppose a Japanese
criminal feels it when his judge tolls him that he "has behaved
otherwise than was expected," and delivers him to be dinded into
portions.
LORD ELDOW was occasionally accused of procrastination. HU
answer was neat " Time enough, if well enough.'
Some of our ancestors were wise, bnt some must have been very
stupid asses. One of them lived in Shropshire, and made Ui
verb, which may still be current there: * He that fetch* th a wife
from Shrewsbury, must carry her into Staffordshire, or el* he shall
live in Cumberland." It is so abject, besides being brutal, that 1
must expound. The idiot meant that a man who marries a fhrew
must take a staff, or stick, to her, or he '11 find her an incumhranc*.
This was told me on the Wrekin. 1 drink to all friends round it.
VOL. LXin.
220
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBUB 30, 1372.
COOL COURAGE.
(And long may it be the noble Distinction of the British Soldier.)
Officer. " WHY BON'T Tot; SALUTE, Sm ? "
Private. " DOD, MAN, A' CLEAN FOBGOT ! "
QUITE ANOTHER THING.
IN the course of a speech made to a meeting of sympa-
thisers with the demagogues prosecuted by the Govern-
ment for taking part in the late philo-Fenian meeting
held in Hyde-park, MR. AYRTON'S rules notwithstand-
ing?. MB. ODGEH, denouncing the Act under which our
yEdile conceives that he has framed them, said : —
"Well might MR. HBNLEY call it Algerine legislation
(cheers) . This was all done by the Government that formerly
encouraged them to resist, and done through a fussy, meddling,
unscrupulous, pettifogging instrument, conjured into office
nobody knew how (cheers and laughter)."
By the " instrument," coupled with the epithets which
moved the mirth and applause of his hearers, MR. ODGER
was apparently supposed hy those gentlemen— and ladies
for aught we know — to mean the CHIEF COMMISSIONER
OF WORKS, and erector in Hyde-park of the Terminus
which the Tribunes of the Populace will not worship or
even respect. But in abusing that instrument, and com-
plaining of its employers, MK. ODGER is very unreason-
able towards ME. AYRTON and the Government. To
embarrass truculent Tories in office is one thing: to
attempt the intimidation of a Liberal Ministry is another ;
and it was to do the former thing only, and not the
latter at all, that ME. ODGEH, and his associates received
encouragement.
A Desirable Drink,
ACCORDING to a paragraph in the Echo, it is not
improbable that a new beverage will be introduced into
this country from Brazil, called Guarana, which, amongst
other qualities, is said to possess the property of " making
the speakers eloquent." If this is so, a general desire
will be felt that Guarana should be imported in large
quantities without delay ; so that it may be ready for
consumption in the refreshment rooms of the House of
Commons next Session. Such potion would have been
of the greatest service to a large majority of those
Members who have had the painful task imposed on
them this Autumn of addressing their constituents.
A CONSTITUTIONAL QUESTION.
" Parliament out of Session " like a Magpie at
a Publichouse ? When it is chattering on the Stump.
CHILDEEN IN ARMS.
THERE be land babies and (as KnresLEr testifieth) there be water
babies, and among the former there is a class to which certain an-
tagonists exist among the latter. These water babies have opposed
themselves to those land babies, who might be distinguished from
the others by the name of beer babies, but that, as a class, they
include wine and spirit babies, so that they might generally be de-
nominated intoxicating liquor babies by persons who choose to call
good things by bad names ; otherwise, and correctly, we may term
them generous liquor babies. Your water babies are babies who can
stand no drink stronger than water, or water bewitched in the form
of tea and other slops. Conscious of their own weakness in this
respect, and incapable of self-control, they go about crying to be
put under restraint, and, in order that they legally may, they also
clamour for the imposition of the same restraint on everybody else.
The beer .babies, and other babies of that sort, are not, indeed,
babies in the sense of being really feeble and imbecile, but may be
spoken of as babies because they have been so treated by the Legis-
lature in having been subjected, in respect of their beer and the like
beverages, to restrictions suitable only for the imbecility of tender
infants.
Now, among the beer babies there is one baby, in special antago-
nism to the water babies, and particularly disagreeable to them,
who may, by pre-eminence, not in babyism but in beer, be styled a
great baby. This Great Beer Baby is MR. BASS, the Brewer, of
Burton-on-Trent, and Member for East Staffordshire. He presided,
the other evening, at an annual meeting of a society of smaller,
although strong, beer babies, and other babies of the Bar (not
forensic), belonging to the Licensed Victuallers' Association. This
assembly was held in the Cutlers' Hall, Sheffield. The toast of the
evening, " Success to the Association," was proposed by Beer Baby
BASS, who might, as in discussing the Licensing Act he touched
upon the Teetotal fanatics, have remarked that the sale of cutlery
might as well be restricted as that of liquor, since, if people can
get drunk if they like, so likewise are they free to cut their own
throats or to stab others. The Arch Beer Baby, however, though he
omitted to point that out, concluded a by no means babyish speech
with a manful exhortation. Referring to the squalling and fits of
the Water Babies who constitute the United Kingdom Alliance,
MR. BASS said that : —
" The agitation had had the good effect of bringing the trade together, and
he hoped they would realise their position, and stand shoulder to shoulder to
face the formidable phalanx which was opposed to them. They had an enemy
which set them an example in union and in enthusiasm. The United King-
dom Alliance boasted of their fund of £100,000, and he should like to see
every brewer, licensed victualler, and person connected with the trade, sub-
scribe so much a quarter towards a defence fund. If they could get the trade
together, they would soon put the Alliance to shame."
Well said, Big Beer Baby. When those Water Babies combine,
we Beer Babies should unite. We have come to a pretty pass when
a Beer Baby, six feet high, or, say, four feet round, if he walk all
the way from London up to Hampstead or Highgate, proposing to
walk back again, is already forbidden, under penalties, to get a
glass of beer with a bit of bread-and-cheese, or with his dinner, at
a tavern, on a day which at another time of year may be a broiling
hot one, between the hours of three and six of an afternoon — because
it is Sunday ! This is particularly prejudicial to the Beer Baby four
feet round, for exercise is the condition of this child's existence ;
and if inability to get his beer in the course of his walk induce him
to stay at home, and drink it there, he must necessarily go on in-
creasing in circumference, and getting more and more plethoric, so
as at last, some fine day, like Toby Philpot, iu the old comic song,
to die suddenly of pulmonary apoplexy.
THE WINTON IEEE.
THU Prefects at Winchester College are said to be accustomed to
swear, in imitation of Jupiter, " By the Styx." But the young
gentlemen mean their ground-ashes.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
A MIXED BAG IN
^^
AYRTON AGAIN.
" THE result of the Hyde-park prosecutions was generally anticipated, and
it is probable enough that the conviction will be affirmed on appeal. Inere
is, however, much irritation at MR. AYRTON'S behaviour in this matter, e*
pecially in the light that has been thrown upon it by MR. VBRNON HAR-
COURT'S letter. The courts of law may decide in favour of the present pose
cution, but a court of honour, if it reflected public opinion, would convict t
FIRST COMMISSIONER of a flagrant breach of faith with Parliament. Aft*
all the discord which has issued from MR. AYHTON'S department since th
Rizht Hon. Gentleman went there, it is not surprising that the friends of t
Government were loud in the expression of their hope that the Indian mail
brought us correct news in the rumour that MR. AYRTON was to succeed b
RICHARD TEMPLE."— London Corrtspondence of Manchester buardian.
HE came to us first from the Indian shore,
In an Indian Office his pinions 'gan grow :
As a Bombay Attorney he first learnt to soar,
Leaving dusky competitors distanced below.
And England that owns how impartially rude
In his Office of Works and of words he has been,
To India would gladly her AYRTON retrude,
There to wallop his nigger, severely serene.
The Attorney she nursed, brow of brass, tongue of power,
Opponents to bully and Bench to o'erbear ;
Take, India, as Lord of thy Treasury, the flower
Of the bud that thy courts first saw blossom so fair.
He has bettered the lessons thou taught'st in the past,
And by practice made perfect has mastered his tools,
Till, from making M.P.'s eat dirt singly, at last
He snubs the House round, as he frames his Park rules.
Has he not bowled HOPE over, and MANNERS defied ;
Stricken DAVEXPORT-BHOMLEY o'er chaffed to his shoe ;
Thrust the phalanx of Science, contemptuous, aside,
And slapped HOOKER'S face, in their teeth, black and blue?
Till he siU mighty monarch of all he surrey • :
Who dares meddle with him, that dares meddle with all ?
Never speaks but to chide, seU all tempers ablaze,
Raises tempests in tea-cups, and ndes o er the squall I
Da aliter ! Died the kind hope newly born.
The relief we had dreamt of denied to our prayers,
And our j£li\e remains to enrich and adorn
" All the TalenU" with all the soft Graces he wean.
But be cautions, my AYUTON ; 'twas easy to win,
At thy weapons, the fight with wit, breeding, and lore ;
In a far other charge thon now riskest thy skin
Than that which, late, HOOKBB and U-BBOCK o erbore ;
'Tis with BRADLAUOH and ODOKE, rough tongues as thine own,
Thou venturett, now, equal battle to wage.
For attack and defence the same bran we hear blown,
And as callous a hand flings, as take* up, the gage.
If he thought that his ATRTOJC had JCTEX AL read,
A truth of that satirist's Punch would recall—
How the best blood of Home safe the Tyrant oonld shed,
But was lost when he dared foul of cobblers to fall.*
• " Tempora stcritiffi, oltras quibus ibstulit TJrbi
Illustresque animal impune et rindice nullo
Sed periit, postquam cerdonibm e«s« timendut __
Operat. Hoc noouit UmUrum ca?di madenti.
Stl. IT., 101— t.
Look before you Leap
IT is possible, said an experienced Uncle
to be tolerably comfortable in marriage, if your wife
health and you enjoy as much money as will enable you to
gratify all her inclinations besides your own.
I;
222
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1873.
PIETY AND PARALLEL.
HE celebrated Non-
conformist Divine
who flourished under
the Commonwealtl
and Restoration, anc
wrote the Saints
Everlasting Rest, the
Call to the Uncon-
verted, and anothei
awakening appea
addressed to Christ-
ian backsliders, is
said to have been ac-
customed, whenever
he saw a criminal on
his way to the gal-
lows, to exclaim,
".There, but for di-
vine grace, goes
RICHABD BAXTER."
A distinguished Na-
turalist, author of the
recently published
work on the Expres-
sion of the Emotions
in Man and Animals,
a sequel to his famous
treatise on the Des-
cent of Man, may be
imagined occasion-
ally giving utterance
to a corresponding
though different re-
flection. At the sight of a monkey scratching himself in the Zoological
Gardens, that philosopher might with much propriety observe,
There, but for Natural Selection and the Struggle for Existence,
sits CHARLES DARWIN."
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
Happy Thought.— In advertising for Gardener, think him out well
first, so that there shall be no mistake afterwards. The question is,
what do I want him to do, or, rather, first and foremost, what am I
going to have for him to do ? To save " x's," I should wish a man
to combine certain offices.
TELFOHD writes to ask me would I like some Hens P Yes, cer-
tainly. Pr/NDLET, TELFORD'S farming friend, can give me a Duck or
two, and can sell me a Pig. PUNDLET lives in the south of Cornwall,
twelve miles from any railway station. If I'll have the pig and
ducks he wants to know will I come and fetch 'em, or how P
Suppose I close with PTJJTDLEY'S offer, then with Cow, I 've got
Ducks, Hens, and Pigs. That 's what I shall have for a Gardener
to do. As the lodging-house keepers say, he '11 have to do for two
Ducks (or more), Hens uncertain, and a Pig.
The question is, how to word this properly in an advertisement.
Wanted, a' Gardener, who has no objection to a Pig." That, I
think, is the regular, and really the pleasantest way of putting it:
then, to vary it a little, add, " And who can get on with a Cow."
Happy Thought.— Title for a song, " Who can get on with a
Cow t "
In enumerating the above animals, I 've quite forgotten the Pony.
By the way, must purchase Pony. Also, no farm-yard complete
without a Dog.
Note. Odd. The other day, when making an alphabetical list of
what 1 should require, I found that with quite a rush everything
came suddenly under the letter " P ; " now there 's a run upon "D"
—as, for instance, Dog, Ducks, Donkey.
Happy Thought.— Look in paper for how to word properly an
advertisement. Search out precedents.
Look down column. Where are the Gardeners who want Em-
ployers, or where are the Employers who want Gardeners
The first I come across is, ' ' To Master Bread and Biscuit Bakers."
Reminding me of ENGLEMORE at once. Master Bread and Biscuit
On again. Where are Gardeners' advertisements ? Next ? No. A
Single-handed Nurse, &c. By the way, not much use where there
are twins.
Now then Gardener, where are you ? ... The next that catches my
eye is, A Valet who only requires a nominal salary." This sets
me thinking. Substitute Gardener for Valet, and wouldn't that
suit my pocket ? " Only a Nominal Salary." Might be fourpence
a year, bull, if proposal comes from him, he can't complain. I '11
read this advertisement on to the end. It continues as a reason
for the nominal salary, " not having been out before." Now, would
this do for a Gardener ? Let me suppose that I should find this
form : —
" A Gardener who only requires a nominal salary, never having
attended to a Garden in his life, and utterly ignorant of Pigs and
Cows, wishes for a situation. 'Good references."
Now what should I do ? He 'd be cheap, that 's certain, as far as
wages go. But his references ? What character could they give him,
except to corroborate his own statement that he "never had attended
to a garden," and that he was, as he stated, utterly ignorant of pigs,
and knew just as little about cows. Such a reference would be un-
satisfactory ; and, after all, if they only said he didn't drink and
was honest, wouldn't it be tantamount to describing him as a moral
and sober idiot ?
On the other hand, I remember my Aunt, who is really an ex-
perienced person, distinctly saying, that in choosing servants she
would rather have one at low wages (a Cook for example) whom she
herself could teach, and who would do what she (my Aunt) told her,
without attempting to instruct her, than an elderly scientific professed
or Plain Cook, whose only thought was, out of her materials at hand
to make as little as possible for the dining-room, and as much as
possible for her own private purse.
Then how did my Aunt instruct her ? Why, by supervision, and
out of a good cookery-book. Now, I ask myself seriously, what's
the use of my having learned to read and write, and of having gone
through the grades of a superior education, if I can't study, day
by day, the gardening work, so as to instruct a gardener, and then
see him carry out my orders under my own eye ? True, I shall have
to devote my time to it at first— but at first only ; and, after awhile,
I shall, from my own personal experience, be able to publish a useful
volume on Farming (the Pharmacopoeia before mentioned in these
Notes) and Gardening, with an Essay on Pigs, Poultry, Peas, &c.
On the whole, I am inclined to advertise as follows, compounding
my advertisement out of what I see wanted, so that thus I may get
a thoroughly useful man, whom I could form myself. Besides,
GUTCH'S gardeners will start the affair, just putting things straight.
My Adcertisement, as planned : —
" WANTED, — A thorough Out-of-door Servant, not less than
twenty-five years of age, with good personal character and references,
tingle, active, and English "
I mention this to exclude foreigners ; and yet, when I think of it,
the Dutch are great Gardeners.
Happy Thought.— Might, with a Dutch gardener, win a prize in
Dutch Tulips. Imitate the BTTNGAT style, and call it the Giant
Emperor Nook Conquering Hero Tulip, or Imperator Victor
Nookensis.
Continue Adcertisement, thus : Single— (it wouldn't do to have a
Double-Dutchman)— active, English or Dutch. Height no object.
No, on second thoughts, omit this, or limit it, say, to six feet one.
Over six feet one no giant need apply. I can't say height no object
when, if he were seven feet, he would be an object— and a tremendous
object.
Happy Thought.— But then I could exhibit him. Place him
among the tulips, and call him the Geant Jardinier Hollandais au
Coin — au coin looks as if he 'd been placed in the corner for punish-
ment, but it really means The Nook. Translation of the whole, The
Siant Dutch Gardener in the Nook. Or, if only four feet high,
Somunculus Horticulturisticus Nookensis.
Advertisement continued. — "Middle height. One who requires a
nominal salary only much preferred. If he has never been out before,
he will be instructed on the premises. He must know something " —
I don't want him to be an absolute fool —
"of Pigs, Poultry (including Ducks), and a Pony, and must
not object to a Coto."
The Cow may object to him, if he doesn't know his business, when
e comes to milk ; but that 's his look-out, and he '11 have to look
out pretty sharply too, because a Cow kicks sideways, I believe.
"Apply, Nook Farm Dairy, or to A'., at the Minerva Club,
•etween Two and Four."
" X.," at the Minerva Club, is myself; and I send the Messenger
down to the Newspaper with this advertisement. Anxious to see
what comes of it. Watch and Wait : Motto.
On first opportunity must be introduced to ENGLEMORE'S stoek-
>roker who farms.
While watching and waiting, I run down to the Nook, to see how
•hings generally are getting on, and to meet MB. GUTCH on the
subject of preparations for Garden.
The world of Nurserymen and Seedsmen seems to have awoke to
,he fact of my being about to start a Garden. I am inundated with
Season Catalogues (CiGMEB's), BODGER, MTJMPKIN, WTTGGUM & Go's
Seed and Vegetable List, The Royal Bucks Nursery Garden Book,
NOVEMBER 30, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
issued by HULLABV AND SONS, with form of order enclosed— M>
thoughtful this of HULLABY AND SONS! — and, finally, BUNGAT over
a^ain, who has sprouted out so wonderfully into all sort* of Lists,
Juidcs, Prospectuses, and illustrated Garden Books, that I am in-
clined to think he is somehow connected with the printing interest.
If not, the cost alone to BUNOAY of employing Vegetable Authors for
the literary part of his fBuwoA.T's) publications, and of fruit, vege-
table, and liower artists for the illustrations, must be something
enormous. Evidently, a man whose sptcialitt is vegetables, is required,
and yet what draughtsman's while can it be worth to injure his health
by sitting out all day copying peculiar parsnips and odd carrots, be-
sides seriously damaginghis constitution by changing the atmosphere
suddenly from ont-of-iloors chill and damp to the tropical climate
of a hothouse, where he 'd sketch BUNGAY'S Early Glory (Straw-
berry) or his Golden Intermediate (Grape).
This leads me into the subject of Fruit. It strikes me that
Gardening i« certainly an occupation, anil with Farming is clearly
uncommonly like a business. O, here *s MR. GUTCH I
MR. PUNCH'S PARLIAMENTARY NOTICE FOR
SESSIONS, 1872— -'5.
AERIAL
INCORPORATION of Company — Cinm/riirtinn of Afnnl lt<iiiv;ay»—
HrrHitiii nf CiiKl.les in the air—purchate of I'n/i/ir l'i;,p<rty—8ale
and Lease of old character!— Amalgamation of Public Men— Amend-
ment of Acts.
NOTICE is hereby given that application will be made to Punch
in the ensuing Session for an Act to incorporate a Company under-
the name of " the Aerial Railway Company," and to confer on that
Company when incorporated, the following powers or some of
them : —
1. To make these Railways commencing and terminating as
follows : —
(a) A Railway commencing at a point 10,000 feet or thereabouts
above the Treasury in Downing Street, London, England,
and terminating at a point 10,000 feet or thereabouts above
the White House, Washington, United States.
(6) A Railway commencing by a Junction with the first-named
Railway at its commencement, and terminating at a point
10.000 feet over the Imperial Palace at Berlin.
(c) A Railway commencing at any point on the above-named
Railways, and terminating in endless National Litigation.
2. To erect Castles, Stations, Liquor-bars, Lager Beer-shops, and
all necessary works and conveniences along the line of the same
Railways.
3. To levy tolls, rates, and duties on JOHN BULL.
4. To purchase the old Horse in Leicester Square, the Bank of
England, the Houses of Parliament, the British Constitution, and
all Political and Commercial Corporations, bodies, and persons, in
Great Britain and elsewhere, and to sell or lease JOHN BULL and the
British Lion (subject to their debts and liabilities), and to invest the
proceeds arising therefrom in the purchase of Erie Shares, and to
repay all liabilities to foreign nations with the same at par, and to
apply the residue in making the Railways and works.
5. To amalgamate the POPE, MB. WHALLET, the President of the
Fenian Republic, the Stump Orators at Exeter Hall, and other dig-
nitaries and undignified persons whose names create discord and
POSTMEN AND PHILOSOPHERS.
I> it i» In K* what ducon-
tent is b*ing created on
•very hand by the econo-
mical »«!-
Govi • \ paragraph
appeared in il •
AH'l»l Till
—On llon-
i
• rarrim and
uth • western
< nrrr Km.
-wll.jlh.-m
^^^H* that
dxi in about
- number for
Iiu i?ilownon
ode to MB* MOSHKTJ* what
did these unifraU-ful
wretches of postmen do ?
" The men, with one or two exceptions, Tooiferously called out, ' We dnn't
want to hesr if.' ' Put it down. Sir.' ' We won'1 • • W '••
want more wage*, not (tripe*, nor *i«. MONMLL'S butt..n«.' • It will dis-
* 'wnd throogh the
• It's sll
grscw us to wear itripes, and we »h»ll K.
street*.' ' Buttons and stripe* won't feed our
favouritism.'"
Stripes are so very cheap that we cannot fe«l too sorry that the
men to whom they were offered preferred shillings so very much a*
to be provoked by the tender of the former instead of the latter to
behave as above and below : —
" The inspector made another attempt to read the report, but the uproar
now became wanner still. Yells, hooting, groans, whistling, snd other dis-
cordant noise* were kept up until the inspector had to retire without reading
MB. HONSELL'B report."
There is reason, however, to expect that firm and resolute Admi-
nistrators will make these murmurers repent of their ingratitude.
"This being reported to the bead-office yesterday morning, the men wen
informed that, if they did not choose to accept the stnpes, they bad better send
in their resignations. The other branch office* are equally arene to the stripe*.
A neat meeting of the whole of the carriers is to be called immediately by the
delegates from each branch office."
Postmen are men of letters, and as inch walk rounds. Thus they
become philosophers of the peripatetic school ; for pedestrianum
favours thought. How often, when a knotty quettion ari*e« in the
mind, tohitur ambulandot Philosophy, unfortunately, teaches po*
men to despise stripes, such as are proposed as the reward of good
and not bad conduct. How fortunate it is that things of that s
are duly valued by the less thinking military mind ! Dei
to ^^ but not the pMl
,
Straw's Castle ; and at the Punch Office, on or before the 21st.
7. Copies of the Bill will be deposited at the Punch Office, and
may be had by the Public at— to them— the insignificant price of
threepence.
Dated November 29th, 1872.
TOBY,
Solicitor for the Bill,
Fleet Street.
The Greatest Betting Nuisance.
A HOKSKY betting-man is a comparatively tolerable member of
society, wherein his proclivity to wagers is limited, so to say, by a
Ring. He is agreeable to his like, within their circle, and does not
trouble outsiders. But a bore altogether insufferable is the man
prone to betting who seizes every possible opportunity of challenging
you to bet. You cannot express an opinion that this or that is a
fact without, if he thinks otherwise, his offering to " lay yon what
you like," that it isn't. He thus impedes conversation, and cuts
argument short. This better is altogether worse than the other.
excitement- and to alter, amend enlarge and extend all or any of y { w ^^ ^ ^^ ^ _ _ .__
the Acts of the Hyde Park Roughs, and the manners of the Home « postmen not only do they not apprwin- ''"it, as wil
Office and Park Managers, anil to repaint the notice-boards pro- ^ ^ ^ dig(jeried &bove, neither do they OH re a button f..
buttons. Of course they will be made to. Govcrmm at needs to sav
6r*6n°or before the 10th day of December, plans and sections of
the proposed Railway, and a Book of Reference thereto, and a copy
of this Notice, will be deposited with the Man in the Moon, at Jack
as much as three millions and a half, gone in humble pie.
Commendable Considerateneu.
MB. PUNCH is always anxious to stamp with his approval i"<»noe»
of thoughtful consideration for the feelings and pockets of oth«
In this favourable light he regards the conduct of a farm of ww
merchants, in sending him their price-list with Not *« b* f or
warded " plainly printed on the envelope. If clergymen, chan
associations, and merchants and traders generally would adopt t
plan, postage would be saved, and temper preserved at MjWJJ
in the year when Mr. Punch, and his staff, .and ^ **•££, «f
* .. « .. . »i.« _««.;<Jn MI m T.KA n iirnj»uu" .
away on
. , .
he Continent, or at the seaside or in .the
It W tt V Uii i no w*J K *»»^**»-j
Scotland, in the pursuic of health, or
of relaxation when they would rather not
—period*
letters
on
of any description, certainly not with commt in. -ti n Daf)hJD)rton
the immediate necessity f,,r rebuilding the to rer <»_ A(,jdoDJa .,
Church, or the undeniable merits of the new- wnre»_ strayed P*ti
or the urgent need of funds to maintain tl
iu its present sphere of increasing usefu
224
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1872.
A SAD CASE.
Mr. Kiljot/e. " I'M so GLAD YOU'VE COME, Da. BLIND I I WANT TO CONSULT YOU ABOUT MY POOR WIFE."
Dr. Bland. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER!" Mr. Kiljoye. "StTCH FEARFUL DEPRESSION OF SPIRITS ! '
Dr. Bland. "DEPRESSION OF SPIRITS I WHY, SHE'S THE LIFE OF THE PARTY!"
Mr. Kiljoye. "An, SHE ALWAYS BEARS UP IN COMPANY, POOR THING I Box YOU SHOULD ONLY Sss HER WIIEU WE ARE TOOKTHSR
ALONB!"
QUIS CUSTODIET?
On, BOBBY, my BOBBY, the stay of the street,
Deemed truest of all my true blues,
I^no more dreamed of thee being false to thy beat,
Than the choicest chronometer that for the fleet
Ever AIRY at Greenwich did choose !
From the guilt of a strike can my BOBBY be shriven ?
Who of striken should know only as cuffs ?
To break heads of those who to break laws have striven —
Of strikes, in a word, that to roughs should be given,
Not of strikes that are taken from roughs.
Blush, my BOBBY, at thought of the area-belle
Whose contempt thou henceforward shalt mourn :
Of the cook, who regaled her protector so well,
Cold shoulder, henceforth, her changed feelings will tell,
And that, not of mutton, but scorn !
And Punch, who hath still 'gainst the rough stood thy friend,
Since to follow roughs' lead thou 'rt misled,
Can no more to the Force his protection extend,
Nor be to 't, as he once was, a Punch to defend,
But, rather, a Punch on its head !
Downing Street and Chelsea.
THE result of the appeal of the mob orators against the decision of
theMagistrateonthe proceedings taken against them by the Govern-
ment under the Parks Act will probably remind many who have read
ME. CARLTLE'S Occasional Discourse on the Nigger Question, of the
name therein applied to the typical Blackamoor. It appears likely
to be a case of QUASHEE.
TONE AND "TUNDING."
iNjthe matter of the " tunding" at Winchester College, of course
the Ushers of that seat of bullying have come to the rescue of the
Head-Master with a manifesto. This, published in the Times, con-
cludes with the following attestation :—
" And they would fail in the duty that they owe to the school if they did
not record their testimony to the high tone that has been maintained within
it, and the great and various advantages which it has derived from the Head-
mastership of Da. KIDDING."
There can be no doubt whatever that the tone maintained during
the period above referred to at Winchester College has been very
high indeed. The cries of youth under the infliction of bodily pain
are usually high-toned in the extreme ; and several ground-ash
saplings broken over a boy's back would, we imagine, compel him
to vociferate in tones of the highest pitch. When a dog is cruelly
whipped, he utters exclamations which have been put into articulate
expression in the words "pen-and-ink." The tone of these, no
doubt, is the sort of tone which has been thoroughly well maintained
at Winchester College.
Down and Up.
" THE report that MR. AYRTOK is to succeed SIR RICHARD TEMPLE as
Financial Minister of India is denied." — Echo.
THE depression of India when it hears the report, the delight of
India when it reads the denial 1 Words are powerless to describe
all this. But the disappointment some people at home must be
feeling !
INTELLECTUAL TBJiAT.
" 'TWOULD be a fine thing," with a sigh said TOM NODDY,
" Were food for the mind nice, like food for the body."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— NOVEMBER 30, 1872.
"
i m&AL
PRO AR(E)IS ET FOCIS.
Hou8EMAID. "01-80 YOU MUST GO ON STRIKE, TOO, MR. ROBERT, MUST YOU?
TO BE MURDERED, LET ALONE BURGLARS ? NEVER AGAIN DOWN THIS AREA-NEN Ml IS \pl «.
SIR! THERE!"
VOICE FROM BELOW. " NEVER AGAIN !-AS I 'M A BRITISH COOK 1 1 "
NOVEMBER 30, 1P72.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HI
COLOSSAL FARMING AT THE CAPE.
on K of our readers will recollect, among
the songs of other days, a mildly oomic
duet for the drawing-room, entitled,
When a little farm we keep." Per-
haps it has, in more than one instance,
been brought to mind by the following
extract from some recent telegrams from
Cape Town: —
" Ostrich farming
U progresiing. One
farmer hu hatched egg* by aa incubator of
nil own construction."
Parrum parra decent,. Little girls and
boys, little pigs and sheep, are suitable
to a little farm. 80 likewise are little
fowls. Conversely, a large farm would
require to be
proportionate
stocked with
magnitu !<•.
animals of
The farm
whose fowls are ostriches should be a
very large farm. On an ostrich farm all
the pigs and sheep and children, and
cattle also, and horses, ought to be of Brobdingnagian dimensions, so
as to correspond with the ostrich cooks and hens.
A story was once related by LISTON the actor to an eminent song-
stress, on whosfi guilelessness he used to practise. He told her that
he was once taken prisoner and enslaved by the AJgerines, who, not
finding him capable of any labour, skilled or other, took him, and,-as
the best use they could put him to, tarred and feathered him, and
appointed him to sit on and hatch turkeys' eggs. An incubator of this
sort, to match the one invented by the farmer above mentioned for
the purpose of hatching ostriches eggs, might be made out of an
exceptionally useless missionary, if one big enough could be found,
since properly to incubate eggs as big aa those it would take a Goliath,
or some equally gigantic Philistine of the British breed.
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
(He addresses the Editor from tht South Kensington Mttieum,
where he reaches the Picture Gallery.)
DUKINO luncheon-time I was at first rather startled, though I
gradually became accustomed to it, by the waiter from the inner
dining-room rushing to the door leading to the central Kestauration
where we lunchers were sitting, and snapping his finger and thumb
wildly ; really, I discovered, as a summons to the boy with the beef,
or whatever the hot joint on wheels might have been, to bring it to
the private diners ; but, apparently, his action seemed to be the un-
premeditated outburst of a joyous heart, desirous of relieving itself
private apartment of itself, I came upon an ovei
i, sitting magisterially behind a wooden
the visitor, wishing to get a full view
leatures, must stand as if he 'd juit been brought
I. .IIP.* KA*A« *U» t3»i-_ I
an ovenuad figure of Sravot
Jcn bar, in front of which
toe eminent composer1!
A , r-.
igtit up in a
' -•
. • , . — ,. ™ *^T" •«»«•* "tMunitv uu i
Mart before the Stipendiary on a charge of pock. ••
difficult word, " pocket-picking," by the way, andm* .
immediately, for active service, to be changed ii
Why not.-) After a few minutes the spectator will tind mm~n
relieved from the oppression of guilt, which. . ghostly i.rr-
senee, will weigh him down— (it <M m. . i,,,t I .
lunch)Tby observing that SIONOB ROSSINI base*;
oentratmg all hu attention upon a dispute between SIB JA
jBJKDHor, Bart, (represented by his bust on a pedestal „» rear
right) and the late Iron Duke, whose bust (on yourleft) has a spla.h
ot mud at the back of its head, indicating, perhaps, that the charge
against the eminent Indian Baronet has been one of common assault.
u the Iron Duke, having got the worst of it m the gutter, had
summoned hu assailant before SIOHOB Rowi • ., case to be
heard m thu particular corner of the 8. K. Museum. Whatever the
legend intended by thu group, it is certain that SIB JEJUBHOY hi.
got the ear of the Court, and that the ol who has come ofl
only second best, u getting a severe wigging from the w
trate in the chair, upon whom he is, rail,. ,nd anifnlr
turning so raue.h of his back as the sculptor has given him.
Finding sufficient food for reflection in these Hgurei, 1 left the
recess, and, while wondering why they haven't washed the back of
the DUKE of WELLINGTON'S head, or brushed it by machinery (it
will be, of course, done after this hint), I found myself assisting at
the moving of a heavy frame containing a stained-glass window
When I say "assisting," I mean that I co-operated about as usefully,
and with as much energy as was displayed by some eminent elderly
and clerical-looking person in authority who stood looking on at the
process with his hands in his pockets, once interfering to suggest
something, and getting snubbed for his pains by the active director
of the workmen employed. They had to get this huge affair under
an archway, for which it was too high. Such a dragging, heaving,
shoving, and lumbering about generally, I never expected to see in a
scientific establishment, where, one would have imagined, that inge-
nious mechanical appliances could be applied, on the spot, to all such
ordinary business as this.
I saw at once what was wanted ; and it struck me then and there,
Sir, that I had been all my life a mechanical genius in disguise,
without being aware of it Who knows his strength until he gives
a blow ? Whether it was as Your Representative that this light-
ning flash of brilliant design electrified me, or whether it was as
myself, I could not quite make out ; but I was on the point of offering
my plan for moving weighty bodies at the minimum cost of labour
with the maximum of efficiency, at so much, to be paid down on the
nail to me by the elderly official in a white tie and spectacles, if he
had had his cheque-book about him, and was empowered to use it,
when the legal maxim occurred to me, Qui facit per alium facit per
something to do with pulleys, a "frame on wheels, and a hidden
steam-engine. If you can work this out, do so. All I say is, in any
case, " Halves 1" I then ascended to the Pictures, where, among
the Art Students, you will kindly leave Yoct RIPRIgMTAI1VB.
in the hours of business by rushing into a Highland Fling, to" which i sf •' *nd I felt that, as Your Representative, I was bound to consult
exuberant dance, I believe, snapping the fingers is an indispensable yon first, to ascertain what might be your views on the subject.
preparation and accompaniment. It seemed hard that the audience In the meantime, they had nearly got over, or rather got under
should be so unsympathetic, for no one took any notice of his per- the difficulty, which was, as I said before, an archway, and since
formance beyond turning round for a second to stare at him, under then I have forgotten what my plan was. I rather think it had
the impression perhaps that he really had come out to do something "
good iu the dancing way, and would have done it but for changing
his mind at the last moment, and so postponing the performance.
On quitting the room, I noticed a small box, with a slit in it, belong-
ing to the " Inspector of Refreshments," and underneath was an an-
nouncement to the effect that " Visitors having cause to complain of
inattention or of the inferiority of the refreshments, are requested to
do so to the Inspector, or to leave their complaints in the box." Alas !
would that I could have left all my complaints in that box, and have
issued forth a new man ! My complaint at that precise moment was
indigestion, and I could not leave that in the box, or I would have
done so with the greatest possible pleasure. Moreover, being per-
fectly satisfied with the character of the provisions and the service
generally, 1 had no wish to see the Inspector, except to compliment
him on the efficiency of this department, at least, of the S. K. Museum,
which seemed to me, Sir, as Your Representative, managed upon a
sensible and simple plan.
The object of my visit, I here reminded myself, was totind out if there
were alikenessof I'M A HI, us THE FIRST in theXational Portrait Gallery,
For which I had taken a ticket, included in my sixpence paid at the
entrance. Wishing to see as much for my money as possible (I be-
lieve I am expressing Your sentiments, Sir, to the letter) I deter-
mined upon inspecting such productions of art as lay in my road to
the N. P. G., and decided upon going out of my way and up-stairs,
for a few minutes, in order to view the Art Students busy at their
frateful studies.
The corridor immediately without the Refreshment-room is de-
voted to statuary. Most of the statues have got away bashfully
nto two recesses, where the bold but admiring visitor must follow
;hem up, and rout them out. In a recess within a recess, quite a
DR. CULLER'S COOKERY BOOK.
FROM a speech delivered the other day at a meeting of the medical
faculty of the Roman Catholic University of Dublin, it appears that
a great many Irish Papists wish that Institution to be endowed by
the State. Their principles or their priests forbid them to accept
mixed education, and require them to demand separate instruction
in certain branches of knowledge, including logic, modern history,
and metaphysics. Is it necessary that those subjects, and the •"tniTtt
of astronomy, geology, physiology, and chemistry, should be adapted
for the Romish Church in such wise, analogically, as wines and some
other goods are qualified for the British market '( Must they needs
be doctored, to accord with doctrine, by doctors of theology t Do the
POPE and his Clergy require historical and scientific facts to be
cooked, as Bubble Company Directors are wont to cook accounts for
shareholders ? In that case, the POPR would oblige inquiring Pro-
testants if he would publish, ex cathedra, a Catholic Cookery Book.
Suppose endowment for separate instruction conceded to our
Roman Catholic fellow-subjects. Separate instruction would neces-
sitate separate examination. Else, would it not have the effect, for
one thing, of getting Roman Catholic candidates plucked at exami-
nations for the Civil Service, the Medical Profession, and all other
professions and employments, by Boards of Examiners, who would
regard answers affected by Romish cookery as erroneous ?
228
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1872.
"COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS."
Mrs. 0. " I REALLY MUST GIVE COOK WARKING, CHARLES. SHE DOBS USB SUCH VERT BAD WORDS ! '
Mr. 0. " KBALLY, DEAR ! "WHAT SORT OF WORDS ARE THEY ? "
Mrs. 0. " 0— WELL THE SAME AS YOU USE ! "
OUT OF THE WATEK-FLOODS.
" The Bill for the Suppression of Religious Corporations, introduced by the
Minister of J ustice to-day, declares that the laws of 1866, 1867, 1868, and 1870,
relative to the suppression of religious corporations, and the conversion of
their property, shall be applied to the province and city of Borne. The pro-
perty of the religious corporations in the city of Rome will be converted into
inalienable public rentes, and continue to be applied to the charitable pur-
poses for which they were originally established."
THE Tiber spurns the bounds of his old bed,
Floods the Campagna's waste, the City's ward,
Sweeps to the sea on waters rough and red,
The wreck of ruined homestead, clean-swept sward,
And ravaged harvest-field, and cattle dead.
But worse than Tiber, loose from spring to sea,
Or Po, that soaks with salt the Lombard plain,
This other inundation, roaring free
Of the vex'd Vatican's rust-eaten chain,
Through gapped dams of Church doctrine and decree.
Ravaging and to ravage, still it flows ;
Sweeps the piled produce of Church-lands away,
Crops of fat convent vineyard, croft and close,
Cathedral wreckage, spoil of abbey grey,
And robes and properties of holy shows —
From North to South the inundation leapt,
And now, behold, it has come even to Rome,
Up to the Vatican's old wall has swept,
Till its broad flood reflects St. Peter's dome,
And the Saint's chair hath all but over-stept.
The Holy City, holy men and maids
Hear now the impieus flood beat at their walls,
In vain are prayers' and comminations' aids,
Candle, nor bell nor book the tide appals,
That stronghold of scared monk and nun invades.
And if all vain are hands held up to Heaven,
How far more vain are hands held up to him
Whom your Church hath as Heaven's Vicegerent given,
Whose eighty-year old eyes look dazed and dim
On the wild waves that his throne's base have riven.
Bear on, and let him ban : not in his hand
The bridle of the waters has been laid :
They flow and ebb, leap free or chained stand,
By God's unquestioned law set on or stayed ;
The water-floods are His, as the dry land,
At His will Churches fall and Kings command.
A STRANGE QUEST.
THE following, which is the commencement of an advertisement
in the Times, suggests uncomfortable thoughts : — " Australian
Meat. — A Dutch Merchant seeks for a first relation in this article."
If a suspicion once gets abroad that the Australian meat is not
exclusively the flesh of sheep and oxen, the sale of that very useful
article of food may receive a most serious check. The possibility of
having our missing friends returned to us, partially cooked, in tins,
is too horrible — for, considering the immense intercourse between
this country and Australia, it can hardly be hoped that such a
distressing bereavement, such a painful termination to a relative's
career, as our extract seems to point to, can be confined to the Dutch
nation. The "cold relation on the sideboard" may, after all, turn
out to be something more than a humorous invention.
A Winchester Holiday.
THE BISHOP OF WINCHESTER may not be aware that the Prefects
of the College founded by his predecessor, are in the habit of making
a festival rather than a feast of Ash Wednesday. They may eat
some salt fish in honour of the day, and are not anthropophagous, but
they pitch into little boys with ashen sticks.
NOVEMBER 30, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIM.
First Roy.
ON DUTY?"
Second Boy.
'EM I "
"TIMEO DANAOS," &c.
' 'IT TKR, BID HE? WHY DIDN'T 1KB Sl'EAK TO THE FUCKMAN
" P'LICEMAN ON DOT? ! 1 O,l DESSAY ! I AIN'T 80 FOND OF
VITALITY OF II.L8.
TUP. Pott, in a paragraph headwl " St. I'aufi Cathe-
Iral," notioei a set of lecture* in course of delivery
under the dome of that building bjr CAKOH LJQBTFOOT,
'.I i., "On the Early History of Christianity, and iU
ntluencoon Society during that period." The reverend
ecturer commenced, on the evening of Tuesday laat
week, with a discourse on " The Kdations of Christianity
a Society ; " with reference to which we read that : —
" On the tint point he dwelt rxrluiitrlv last nif ht, and in
doting a very eloquent ln-lurr, »hhh wu lutened to bjr m»njr
lundrcdt of men, uid tkal Chrutianity had bern the irutniroent
of abolubiof tlatery, for alihough we had witneued it in our
own day, iU death-blow wat declared wbrn St. Paul aaid that all
men were ' one.' "
In those same words if a death-blow has been struck
at slavery, though slavery is not dead yet, it has surely
been struck at a great many other things too, which also
still live, and are too likely to be very long lived indeed.
A death-blow has been struck at war, for instance ; but
the Millennium still appears as remote as ever, and
Battle and Murder, though mortally wounded, look
likely to survive tie injury they have received till
Doomsday. But slavery, one would think, should have
received its death-blow from a text considerably prior
to the one above quoted. A slave-owner, who meant to
do as he would be done by, would enfranchise his slave*.
It is not clear, though, that the author of the words which
GAUDS LIOHTFOOT considers to have given slavery its
death-blow enjoined PHILEMON to emancipate Oitranrus.
A Long Story.
THAT interesting periodical, The London Gazette, pub-
lishes an appointment to the office of " Gentleman I sher
Daily Waiter Assistant in Ordinary to Her Majesty."
This must be about the longest title known to the British
Constitution, and completely throws into the shade all
such puny efforts as Acting Deputy Assistant Commissary
General. If the attendance required of a G. U. D. W. A.
bears any proportion to the lengthiness of his descrip-
tion, all we can say is that we hope his salary and
perquisites are arranged on a scale of the utmost liberality.
For our part, we should prefer another Court appoint-
ment, unfortunately just filled up, that of " Clerk of the
Check."
GREAT ATTRACTIONS.
A CORBESPONDENT of Notes and Queries says that there is now
being exhibited in the Dublin Exhibition (Loan Museum, No. 81
"the first prescription compounded for the DUKE OF WELLINGTON
when a baby " ! Committees and Managers of Exhibitions, Mu-
seums, and Loan Collections, have here an idea presented to them
which, if well worked, ought to bring them great attendances, large
receipts, much popularity and public admiration, and the reward
of an approving conscience.
With what delight would the majority of the visitors who usually
frequent Museums and Exhibitions gaze on articles interesting trom
their association with the early days of great and famous characters
both of past and present times, trivial as these might seem in the
eyes of the cynic, the scoffer, and the blase man of the world!
Let us enumerate a few objects of surpassing interest which wou
be certain to ensure the success of any Collection fortunate enough
to obtain them :—
The box which held the first powder administered (in jam) to
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE.
The little wooden boat which ADMIRAL LORD NELSON was in the
daily habit, when a boy, of sailing on the pond in his father s
P"A piece of the string used by BENJAMIN FRASKLUT to fly his first
'A' note of excuse, written by the mother of DR. JOHNSON to the
Master of the Academy at Lichfield, to account for SAMUEL 8 non-
attendance at early morning school, owing to indisposition.
A fragment of a Valentine composed by OLIVER CROMWELL at the
age of ton.
One of Miss HANNAH MORE'S curl-paperc.
MRS. THIMJIER'S first doll. . ,
A soldier (one of a box) handed down as having been played witn
by the great DUKE OF MARLBOROUOH.
A scrap of the cloth used for WELUAX Prn's first jacket
MASTER BENJAMIN DISRAELI'S peg-top.
The last surviving member of the Noah's Ark presented to MABTI
GLADSTONE on his sixth birthday.
A piece of slate pencil, the property of the present CHAKCELLO* or
THE ExcHB(wn» in his early years.
One of SIR JOHN PAKINGTON'S first copy-books.
A twig from a birch-rod said to have been in use at Harrow when
LORD BrBON, SIR ROBERT PEEL, the EARL or ABEBDEKN, LORD
PALMERSTON, &o., were pupils at that celebrated Seminary.
The money-box in which the founder of the house of Rothschild
deposited his youthful savings.
As local attractions are of the highest importance, every effort
ought to be made to secure some such treasures as the following :-
The first tooth parted with by THOMAS TwTMpnroTOir, ESQ., three
times Mayor of Goggleshall, set as a scarf pin. [Lent by On Family.
A steel pen used in the school-room by MB. COLEMAN BAX*
BRCEBBT. now M.P. for his native town, SUCKFOBD.
[Exhibited by hit 6'otwiM**.
The advertisement which appeared in the Lambley, Martham,
and Kidbrook Chronicle, announcing the birth of M*. Af.DMMAW
riKHiX'.KK. [Exhibtted by hu Jfurte.
A bracelet made entirely of hairs from the mane and tail of the
chestnut pony which had the honour to bear the DCKB OF DODDDI
TON, Lord Lieutenant of the County, when his Grace was not more
than eight years of age. [Lent by the Dovayer Ducheu.
A Striking Difference.
THERE are two opinions as to the wisdom of putting power into
the hands of the Seniors in our Public Schools (Monitors, fne\
Praspostors) to inflict corporal punuhment on the Junior*,
uphold the system, others think it Preposterous.
230
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1872.
A HUNDRED YEARS HENCE.
(Extracts from a Diary, copied by Our Own Clairvoyant.)
Anno Domini, 1972.
Year's Day.
New
DINED with our good friends the
ROBINSONS, at their new aerial
mansion in Upper Piccadilly,
suspended just two hundred yards
above the chimney-pots of old
Apsley House. An early evening :
halloons ordered at eleven. Snug
party of a dozen, and simple
though select menu. Cuckoo soup,
Chinese oysters, stewed assling,
camel hump-steak, hroiled hum-
ming-birds, and hothouse dates.
How very much more sensible is
a plain dinner like this, than the
horribly long banquets of a score
or so of courses which our fore-
fathers thought fashionable a
hundred years ago ! No wonder
that their newspapers were so
full of quack advertisements for
curing indigestion, which is never
heard of in our more enlightened
age.
St. Valentine's Day— After
reading my wife's Valentine for
every yt ar, poor wretch ! she
makes one for me out of her own
head, she says ; and every year it
happens to consist of exactly these
two lines : —
" Thy nose is red, thine eyes are blue,
Still I remain thy loving SUB ! "
—after this annual enjoyment, I escort her to the House to hear the
great debate on Female Universal Suffrage, which, despite the active
intervention of the Speakeress, was adjourned when the House rose
at four o'clock, P.M. Certainly, these early sittings are far more
wise and healthy than the foolishly late hours that were kept in the
old times. I have heard my father say that, in his younger days,
the Commons used to sit till nearly eight o'clock ! But time was
sadly wasted then in useless talking, which has sensibly been stopped
by the Ten Minutes Legislation Act.
All Fools' Day. — This being the day when Thames trout-fishing
begins, JACK WALTON and I set out by first balloon from Brighton,
and hire a punt at Billingsgate. "We fish along the Surrey shore for
half-an-hour or so ; but the water being too clear (thanks to the
steam-filters which have lately been erected), we shove out in the
Pool to the middle of the stream, and, as the farthing steam-boats
are continually passing, and thus roughening the surface, we are
soon enabled to hook some scores of fish. Returning, in the evening,
along the Middlesex shore, we capture a fine otter, gorged with
grilse and whitebait, sleeping on the bank. The hounds have not
yet hunted lower down than Vauxhall Bridge ; but as the Thames
is daily getting so much purer than it was, I shall propose Black-
friars as the place for their next meet.
May Day. — "With my friends the LABKEHS to see the Oxford and
Cambridge boat-race, rowed in the new patent razor-keeled steel
wager boats, only six inches in width. Cambridge having won, for
the fifth time in succession, we old Light Blues made a little party
for the " Star and Garter," Richmond, where we played at steam
skittles till six, and then had tea and shrimps. Our bill only came
to nineteen pence a>head, including all the ginger-beer we drank
upon the ground. A great improvement this upon the costly enter-
tainments for which, my grandfather has told me, the place was
once so famous.
The Derby Day. — Started in a four-winged brougham balloon at
half-past two, and alighted on the roof of the Grand Stand punc-
tually at three o'clock. The air was not so crowded as it was last
year, and I saw but few collisions or explosions by the way. JACK
RATTLEH got his gas knocked out by getting jammed at the aerial
turnpike over Button, but all his party luckily had brought their
parachutes, and so none of them were hurt. The race was run in
seven seconds under the half-minute, which was considered by the
knowing ones as being rather slow. But now the making of steam-
horses is exciting so much interest, there is less care paid to breeding
good fact-footed living beasts.
Lord Mayor's Day. — To Guildhall at nine o'clock, to breakfast
with ihe new Lord Mayor, feeling most devoutly thankful in my
mind that the Pinner and the Show have, through the wisdom of
our civic fathers, long since been consigned to the limbo of oblivion,
together with old Temple Bar — that bar to modern progress —
through which they yearly used to pass. By the courtesy of his
Lordship, who was my fag at Eton, I sat at the top table, and so
had a good view of all the most distinguished guests. The EMPEROR
OF AMERICA was placed on the right of the LORD MAYOH, and on his
left the PBESIDENT OF THU GERMAN REPUBLIC, while the Kings of
France and Russia sat in the next seats. Returning thanks for
Ministers, the Premier, Mr. Punch, remarked that since the Act
was passed last Session for prohibiting the sale of ginger-beer after
six o'clock, P.M., the national prosperity had sensibly advanced, and
the hateful crime of drunkenness had become well nigh extinct.
Christmas Day. — This being Leap Lear, my wife — poor wretch ! —
kisses me under the mistletoe, and presents me with a Christmas-
box of bonbons made with her own hands. Then we go to eat our
turkey, stuffed with humming-birds, at her father's family mansion
near to Crystalford-on-Thames : a longish drive for our young
zebras, but the india-rubber asphalte makes a smooth and easy road.
What strong nerves, and what long ears too, must our ancestors
have had to have borne the noise and jolting of the hard rough
granite roadways of a hundred years ago !
MUTES AND LIQUIDS.
A NOBLEMAN lately deceased, directed in his will, which was
proved a few days ago, that neither hatbands nor scarves should be
given or worn, nor gloves given at his funeral. As dead men tell
no tales, so, even though they be noble, do they set no fashions, and
therefore it is too much to hope that the example of this rational
nobleman will have any influence on Society. It is only live lords
that Society is prone to imitate. People will probably, until they
shall have generally become philosophers, continue to tax themselves
with funeral expenses, and impose them, under penalty of censure and
excommunication, on the wise. Thus it may be feared that the only
human being that will ever be interred without idle ostentation will
be the Last Man. Government, however, could put a stop to it, very
probably indeed. Not a few persons would be glad to be effectually
relieved of the obligation to "show respect" to the memory of a
deceased relative by the unnecessary consumption of drapery and
furniture, and the distribution of clothes unsuitable for wearing
apparel. This relief would be given them by a tax of what is called
a prohibitory character. We know that ordinances on the subject
have failed, and we remember POPE'S
" Odious, in woollen, "twonld a saint provoke,
Were the last words that poor NARCISSA spoke."
But the art of putting on the screw was not understood then, as it
is in these Income Tax days. Such a tax, for the rich as well as
the poor, would in all likelihood give general satisfaction, except
to the undertakers. But they would have no right to complain
of confiscation. Their trade, except within very narrow limits,
panders altogether to foolish extravagance. Thus it is an evil in
itself. Undertakers deal in articles which nobody has any business
to buy at all, and which anybody injures others by buying, in
that he thereby perpetuates a custom directly noxious and
tyrannical to others. The undertaker is not like the publican, who
deals in liquors which are intrinsically cordial, and intoxicating
or detrimental to those only who abuse them. Yet the dealings of
publicans have been limited by a statute which is endured ; but if an
analogous enactment were to forbid the people from spending money
which many of them hate to spend, they would no doubt joyfully
accept that further but beneficent step in sumptuary legislation.
Three Courses.
THE PRESIDENT'S outbreak of temper set everybody asking,
" What is the Government of France just now ? "
Clearly (says the Left) it isn't a Monarchy.
But, just as clearly (says the Right) it isn't a Republic.
Suppose we defined it — a Thiera fStat f
An Old Story.
PEOFESSOK DUNCAN (not Mr. Ephraim Jenkinson) is now lecturing
at the South Kensington Museum oil "Cosmogony." One cannot
but be reminded of the Vicar of Wakefield, or fail to think of the
interest he would have taken in these lectures.
STOHMT ELECTIONEERING/.
ONE of the Candidates for the representation of Orkney and Shet-
land, is visiting those somewhat inaccessible islands in a steamer.
A sailing-vessel would seem more suitable for a gentleman on his
:anvass.
l--7l'.j
PUNCH, Ott THE LONDON C11AKIVAUI.
IS]
$)uncl) at nutlet).
ou "we may have Light/.
from ISelow." That u u
good phrase for an iutima-
tiun to the Lords that Un-
common* have certain
views. It was used in the
debates over our own
Revolution, other ,
things than rows at Ver-
sailles.
I am going to found a
Humane: Society forgiving
rewardn to persons who
have Saved portion* of
other peoples' Lives
boredom. The first medal
I mean to decree to a dear
and very long-winded
friend of mine, whu had a
(rout-tit, the other night,
just before his guests
arrived to dinner, so they
feasted without him.
The Ghosts, I hear, have
all struck, so the Christ-
mas stories can be made
- terrible only by their dul-
ness.
Said a Frenchman to a
German, " When the Vendome column is restored, we mean to put a statue of
a French soldier on the top." " Right," said a German to a Frenchman, " that
is a place of safety."
The Morning Pott contradicts the statement that an Unequal Match has
been the result of a wealthy young nobleman's study, in his tutor's house, of
HORACE'S charming Ne sit ancMic. 'Tie well, for all plebeian damsels are not
Hester Grazebrooks.
I observe that my friend, the Inverness Courier, recommends that a statue be
erected in the Parliament Close, Edinburgh, to JOHN KNOX, whose tercente-
nary anniversary has just come round. With all my heart. KNOX was a very
jocund Christian, and gave capital dinners on Sunday evenings.
But I do not think that my respected friend should recommend the destruc-
tion of the statue of CHARLES THE SECOND in the same place, because he was
"a vindictive persecutor" of Scotland. When people sell one's father "for a
groat " that he may have his head out off, one ought not to be expected to
entertain very violent affection for them. How 's that, umpire P
- uses the word "undeep" for "shallow." It is a good word, and I
recommend it to my young friends. It is a shade gentler than the other one.
But I do not recommend them to follow him in calling a shallow thinker an
undeopthancol man, as the spelling is bothersome.
You have kept rather good company, my Toby, even before you kept mine.
I have read of
" RAPHAEL, the sociable spirit, that detired
To travel with TOBIAS."
My friend Sis JOHN LTTBBOCK tells me that a Snmatran scrupulously
abstains from pronouncing his own name, not from superstition, but as a
punctilio in manners. When the legitimate drama shall be inflicted on Sumatra,
how will Norval be played ? Yes, stay ! As MATHBWS Senior managed, when
young N. was afraid to speak. " This young gentleman's name is Norval. On
the Grampian Hills this young gentleman s father feeds his flock— a frugal
swain, whose constant cure was to increase his store, and keep his only son,
this young gentleman, at home. For this young gentleman had heard of
battles," &c.
PLATO says that a Ruler should have personal Beauty. Should H. M. want
a Viceroy for anywhere, She knows my address.
'Tis difficult to get good ink. I wish I had some of the kind described on
a label which I copied at Smyrna some time ago. "English Ink. Pro-
ceeded at London. This fluid, for writing, of English origin, has been com-
posed in a manner to can adopt it to metallic pens, in first, it is of a green
blue and becomes very black, and it is very apt for the writings who can make
use to the copying press. It do not mould, nor leave any ohest, and resist
to the acids.
V< I,, u ii man bores me by quoting too mneh VIKOIL,
I am apt U> bid him do what lux IK did with that 1W.
that I object to quotation*. On the contrary,
this made me very angry. MH. ,.s (to
whom my best bow and warmest ft-liciUliuin on hi*
accession to his new throne) U ukfl to upset a lady'*
will, because "she was a very t. ••*>«, a great
talker and a great writer, and vt r . • rung
her conversation and her writii
lions." Never mind growling, BJ , , tmt it <loti
describe your master. And he " •hull have hi* Will," u
WILL SHMCSPKABE saith in a sonnet.
However, if I write, talk, or quote too mnoh, I
desire to be remonstrated with. Another'* eye and judg-
ment are valuable. Do you remember this, in the afore-
said SHAKSPEAKI?
" 0, would torn* Deity
Botow on ui the gift to Me ounrlves
At oth.-ri do, what h»rnu should we e*c*pe ) "
on bis ii
risuin."
at Gla.gow,
' t«ou*ly d> . «
I respect the young man who swallowed the
stamp on his beloved's letter, " because !
touched it," and I should regret to inform him that,
being a sensible girl, the used a stamp-damper.
They didn't tund boys at my school, and our Master
wrote good English, almost as good as mine. We also
composed poetry. This is the sparkling verse in which a
friend of mine (where is dat Barty now ?) criticised a
French exercise by another boy : —
" Such French u thi*
The French would hiu
Till they were heard at Dortr :
'Twould make meek PASCAL
Call you a rucal.
And make BOILKAO boil orer."
If the author sees this, let him send me the one-and-
nine he owes me for that guinea-pig. Come, now 1
Sportsmen used to take a deal of trouble to go after
birds. Real sportsmen still do, scorning the poulterer's
men. But trouble is foolish work. I saw somewhere
this summer a foreign gentleman's device. He had stock
up three tall poles, at the end of his garden, and a
biggish bush at the top of each. He had built himself
a little hut. To the bushes came the birds, and he,
lying in ambush, shot at them, and sometimes hit them.
The demise of SIR JOHN BOWRIXO has brought up the
name of JEREMY BENTHAM, who would be confounded
with JERKMT TATLOR bj most folks, only providentially
they never heard of either. It occurs to me that in
these days of excessive legislation a strong word of
BESTIIAM'S might be remembered. " As from a rubbish
cart, a continually increasing and ever shapeless mass of
law is from time to time shot down on the heads of the
people. Thus doe* the Government, as is written, rain
down snares."
The next Pope is, I am privately informed, to be
CARDOTAL AXTOHIO PAJTULLNCO, or, as we should say,
the KKVKRKND AHTONT WHITHRKAD. May one adapt a
line from Rejected Addrnttt* t
" And if he can rave all the fat from the fire,
We '11 more that old Rome be railed WTtMnvfi Ktlin."
The Dumfries Adrertiser justly remarks that
11 TITIKXS isfacilf Princcps Queen of the lyric stage."
" Acfipe, CHP«, rape, $unt tria rtrba Pajxr." That was
said truly, if uncivilly, a good many years ago. It is cer-
tainly not true now. 8. 8. has just refused i'130,000 be-
cause it was proffered by the Kmo or ITALV. I should
certainly not refuse it nmalf, for that reason, or any
other, but I insist on admiring His Holiness's fortitude.
vot. Lxni.
A A
232
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1872.
A WORD OF WELCOME.
" A COMMISSIONER from Pondicherry, named CHECKABBNDAI.-
CADEKMARECAR, has arrived in Paris, bringing a lac of rupees
(125,000 francs) for the emigrants from Alsace-Lorraine."
COME, Frenchmen, sound his fame afar,
THE YOUNG EUPHEMIST.
Aunt Mary. "WHAT is MEANT BY DECLINING A NOUN, ETHBL?"
Ethel. " POLITELY REFUSING IT, AUNT DBAB."
Due your best words of welcoue are
To CHECKABENDALCADEBMABECAB !
Greet him with gittern or guitar,
CHECKABENDALCADEBMARECAR !
Let his long name be ne'er a bar,
CHECKABENDALCADERMABECAR !
In brightest saloons bid him star,
CHECKABENDALCADEBMARECAB !
He comes to heal the wounds of war,
CHECKABENDALCADEBMARECAR !
He helps to raise your funds to par,
CHECKABENDALCADERMABECAB !
So let no cloud your welcome mar
Of CHECKABENDALCADEBMABECAB !
ETIQUETTE REMARKABLE.
WRITING from Rome, the Correspondent of a contem-
porary records an audience granted by the POPE to the
GRAND DUKE NICHOLAS of Russia, the members of his
suite, and the Russian Charge d' Affaires to the Holy See.
The paragraph which contains the foregoing information
concludes with the following :—
" The Imperial party wore uniforms, and paid their respects
to CARDINAL ANTONELLI afterwards."
It is difficult to comprehend the relation of time ex-
pressed in the above sentence by words which seem to
represent persons who wore uniforms when they went
before the POPE, as having waited on ANTONELLI after
they had worn those uniforms. Did they take their
uniforms off as soon as they had left the POPE ? If so,
surely we ought to conclude that they put on some other
description of clothing before they visited the Cardinal.
ANOTHER SITE.— There is no truth in the report that
a proposition has been made to remove one of our great
Public Schools to Rodborough.
LIST, LIST, 0, LIST !
IT is wonderful that, in these fine times for the working-classes,
the rate of desertion from the British Army has, in twelve months,
not exceeded eight thousand men, and that the average of desertions
has of late amounted to no more than between seven and eight
hundred per month. Pensions have, for private soldiers, been virtu-
ally abolished in the Army, and men in the Reserve get but four-
pence a day, whilst soldiers are surrounded by civilian working-
men who, earning their six or seven shillings a day, itrike for
more.
We ought to think ourselves very lucky that the strike of the
Police has not been followed by a strike of the Army. Let us hope
to experience nothing of the kind. Civilians on strike sometimes
use to go about with banners flying and bands of music. Soldiers,
possessed of colours and military bands, have peculiar facilities for
making those demonstrations. Perhaps, one of these fine mornings,
our ears will be saluted with the passing strains of " The British
Grenadier," pad. our female servants, on rushing to the front-door,
will gaze with admiration on the Hotstreams marching past, on
strike. Fancy military pickets placed about the streets to pre-
vent enlistment ! and imagine gallant fellows rattening each
other's kits ! These events are not so very unlikely that their im-
probability renders it quite absurd to make enlistment and con-
tinuance in the Army a little more worth a man's while than they
are now.
It is rather to be feared that the spread of education will create
some difficulty for the recruiting sergeant. At least, in proportion
as men are taught to think, they must be averse to soldiering, if it
involve the least likelihood of active service. To any reflecting man
it is matter of grateful wonderment that, in the absence of compul-
sory military service, we are able to get any soldiers to fight our
battles at aU. Recruits are not Mussulmans ; they have no prospect
of MAHOMET'S Paradise held out to them. Neither are they Cru-
saders, absolved by priests, and believing themselves to hold pass-
ports to everlasting happiness from the POPE. Yet they put them-
selves in the way of sufferings, and especially mutilations, as bad as
any 'mode of confessorship or martyrdom. Fortunately for the
peaceful, who yet require protection, there prevails very extensively
among mankind a noble monomania, producing insensibility to pro-
spective pain, and misery not yet present.
When, however, men get to be capable of some degree of reflec-
tion, they will proportionally hesitate to risk the chance of a wooden
leg, or an empty coat-sleeve pinned to a breast-button. It will be
necessary to offer them inducement. The revival of pensions will
perhaps be the best, because by how much a man has ceased to be a
fool, by so much he becomes specially anxious to secure a provision
for disability and old age.
Some of you, who would like to save bloodshed, may wish that
we could fight with troops consisting of steam automatons. In the
Navy we can to a great extent do the fighting with such combatants,
and should in the event of a war. Expensive Ironclads enable us
to economise sailors. A steam-soldier, however, would, on the
whole, most likely cost much more than a common one, although the
latter might live to require support for some years from a grateful
country. Of the two, the man, even if handsomely paid, would be
cheaper than the machine.
THE RIGHT NAME FOR HIM.
HAIL, BESSEMEB, whose water-level true,
In scorn of Neptune's bile-disturbing state,
More than BRITANNIA'S self aspires to do,
Nor only rule the waves, but rule them straight —
Their prayer must be who the vex'd Channel cross.
That in thy match 'gainst Neptune thou mayst thrive ;
Be it a simple game of pitch and toss,
Or one more complicate, of motions five.
The Greeks read fates in names : the way I 've found
On thee a name appropriate to bestow,
With a slight change of letters, not of sound,
Christ'ning thee " Baissez-mer ! " or " Sea, lie low ! "
DECEMBER 7, 1872-1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
IU
BETHNAL GREEN.
East-Ender. " 'AEi SOHHFBB!' HIONORAHT FELLIES, THIS* FORIIONKBB, BILL! SPILLS 'EdMT WITHOUT THI HAITOH !'
THE FREEDOM OF THE BRIDGES.
(A Recitation by a Ratepayer.)
0 JEoiLES. ye of this Metropolis
By name the Board of Work* ! With good design
You go to Government, and ask for power
To set from tolls the London Bridges free.
Traffic and trade those Bridges do impede.
Some of them, those, the central ones, which span
From hank to hank the crowded shores of Thames.
The Toll-taker, that intercepts my cah
When I am in hot haste to catch the train
At Waterloo, is a confounded Bore.
Abolish him. But Bridges there are other,
Commerce and travel whilst they not impede,
Repelling settlers with a little toll.
Which serve to keep a pleasant Suburb clear
On the other side o' the River ; Hammersmith
Bridge, also Putney ; think what they have done
From soall of bricks and mortar to preserve
The peaceful little promontory of Barnes,
Therewith Koehampton, Mortlake, Sheen, and Richmond,
An open piece of country close to Town.
To free surbnrban Bridges would add cost
To cost enough per se. And who 's to pay ?
Answer me that, Sirs, you Commissioners.
They should the charges bear who '11 reap the gam.
And who be they ? Say yon, the Ratepayers f
First let the Ratepayers tell you what they think
Ere you extort their sovereigns for an end
To them not worth a farthing. What have they
Gained by your turnpike tolls' enfranchisement ?
For every penny saved I pay a pound.
How many rates, e'en now, the Ratepayers pay !
Assessed on each point at a monstrous rate,
Saddled, besides the Poor's-rate of old time,
With heavy rates ere these new days unknown,
Main Drainage, Education, and Highway.
And now, as if those burdens were too light
For our bowed backs, the Water Companies
Behold, by Act of Parliament empowered,
About to visit us with imposition
Of who knows what expense P— for fittings new,
Adapted to receive their filtered slush
In novel sort purveyed. And will you add,
By tolls' redemption, to our miseries f
Then shall we groan beneath a Hoard of Works
As tributary Christiana under Turk*.
PEOPLE YOU EXPECT TO MEET.
MR. SMITH, who speaks his native English with a slightly foreign
accent, whenever he returns from a week upon the Continent.
ME. BBOWN, who can't appreciate BEKHOVBN, bat dotot, upon
the bagpipes.
MR. JONM, who, when he shares a Hansom with you, somehow
never has small change about him.
MR. ROBINSON, who carefully abstains from volunteering a politi-
cal opinion until he has consulted half-a-dozen newspapers.
MR. CBCISIR, who keeps a schooner yacht, but, except in a dead
calm, never ventures out of harbour.
MR. SHARPK, who, when he drops his money into tl
plate, can make a sixpence sound as though it were a sovereign.
MRS. SNOBBINOTON, who calls her little knifeboy a Page, and whe
she hires a tty talks of taking carriage exercise.
MB. TTTTLK TATTLE, who, from some official source c
tion, always brings the latest news of the intentions of the Gorern-
MB! HODOEB, who considers TOPPER far superior to MILTON, and
goes ready primed with arguments to prove it.
MB. DoD(iEK, who invariably takes an old umbrella to a party, m
the hope, by lucky accident, to change it for a new one.
Miss SJJIVELLKB, who keeps a sentimental diary, and bnlln
small brothers. , .
MR. Ki XXIMAX, who cannot cut a tongue without cutting a st
joke about it.
234
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
S MR.GTJTCH is unable to come
himself, he has sent his Fore-
man, or Head Gardener.
He is of a despondent tnrn,
and appears to view any dif-
ficulty as almost insur-
mountable. Occasionally he
omits his aspirates, and oc-
casionally puts themin again,
in their wrong places, so as
to do justice to the letter
" H" in his conversation.
The moment he sees the
Nook, he looks round as if
he were taking the whole
four acres in at a glance,
and shakes his head without
saying a word. He has such
a melancholy air that I al-
most expect he '11 shed tears,
beg me not to speak to him,
and walk out of the front
gate with his handkerchief
up to his eyes, distractedly.
He doesn't go so far as
this, however. He simply
observes, " It 's in a bad
state, Sir," which is, I admit
at once, true; adding, hopefully, that "I'm sure we can make
something of it.
To this he replies, " To do any good with it will be a difficult job.
Why," he goes on, " I suppose this place hain't been touched not by
no one for a matter of two year or more."
I believe him to be right.
" Now," he asks me, after looking round again, and rubbing his
ohm, and sniffing, " what are you going to make of this, Sir ? '"
That, I tell him, is precisely what I was about to ask him.
Slower and Kitchen, I s'pose," he says, eyeing the extent of
ground, and communing with himself.
" Certainly," I answer ; " with pigs and a cow."
We walk on a little. He seems too oppressed by the utter hope-
lessness ot the situation to say a word. Can't make out what he
expected to find here. If the place had been perfect, I shouldn't
have appealed to GUTCH, and GUTCH wouldn't have had to send his
it oreman. •
He walks on silently. Presently he stops, and takes up a lump of
earth.
"It'll be a long time afore we can do anything with that," he
says, as it he had been called upon to cook and eat it.
If left to myself, of course it would be a very long time before I
should make anything of this clod of earth. However, in order to
draw him out, and hear what he has got to say on the subject
(because if he s got nothing to say on the subject, I 'd better give
up the house, grounds, and whole scheme at once), I pretend also to
take a desponding view of the clod, and we both shake our heads
over it.
"Heavy clay! " he goes on. "No doing nothing with it for a
long time. 'Tam't like a light soil, or a rich loamy soil " Here
he weighs it on his hand, surveying it with ineffable disgust, and
then, appealing to me, says, " Look here, Sir ! What are you to do
With that f It 's 'artbreaking work, it is ! "
And he throws down the clod, as if reproaching me with having
chosen such a Heaven-forsaken spot, and having trifled with his
professional feelings as a Gardener in bringing him to see it.
'Jr^Vi.' f°T0(l for Bowing things inP" I ask diffidently. The
truth is, that 1 begin to wish I 'd never gone in for the Nook, or,
rather, that at all events ENOLEMOHE hadn't been so hasty in the
matter.
"Well," says MH. GUTCH'S Head Gardener, putting his wideawake
hat on one side of his head, and scratching the other deliberately
with his right hand,T " well, we might work it so as it may come
pretty right and do fairly"— this is a great admission for him, and
I) quite brighten up again : after all, the Nook 's a nice place; "only
o^ course it U he four men's time, at least, to break up the earth."
w«iou Ullut; O.J.U1O WGKCli UUS OVIAWJU
. „-=-.—. — • — tether comprehensive look round and
a"out, the bcutch is everywhere. You don't get that out easily."
. 4hls.ja?t observation he makes with a knowing look at me, which,
in itself, is rather flattering to my experience of horticulture, as it
implies that I am perfectly well acquainted with the difficulties of
dealing with Scutch (of which I have never heard till this minute,
and which sounds at first like Smutch), and that in consequence as
he, the Head Gardener, wouldn't think of deceiving me, so I mustn't
dream of trying to humbug him.
"Digging," he proceeds, "and plenty of manuring. It '11 stand
a deal o' that when the Scutch is once out, or else it '11 lose 'art."
I should be sorry, I say, if did that, and it shall have any amount
of manure that may be necessary.
" Half-a-dozen cartloads," says ME. GUTCH'S Foreman.
" Certainly; as much as you like," I reply, heartily, in a spirit,
as it were, of true old English Country Gentleman's hospitality. Let
Gtrrcii's Foreman make himself quite at home.
" We '11 get rid of the Smutch," I say, decidedly. It 's the first
time I 've tried the word, and I pronounce it boldly.
" The Scutch, SirF" he inquiries.
" Yes," I reply ; and then, as if to be quite certain we mean the
same, 1 point to it in the clod, and ask, " what do you call it ? "
" Scutch," he answers ; " but they has hother names for it in
different counties. P'raps, Sir, you 've 'eard it called something
else."
Very possibly : certainly never Scutch.
Happy Thought (poetical).—
But ME. GUTCH
Will stop the Scutch.
Happy Thought (practical and prosaic).— Four men will do it all.
How much ?
The Foreman can't exactly say, but ME. GUTCH will write to me
on the subject. I shall then want some bushes, he supposes.
" Yes, of course, bushes," I answer.
" And trees," he goes on.
" Well," I reply, doubtfully, not liking him to think that I shall
yield to every one of his suggestions, " I don't know."
Happy Thought.— What trees ?
The Foreman replies, " Well, mainly, young 'uns has '11 look well.
Fruit-trees for the wall, hand in the front, by the walk there, you
can't do better than 'ave a hoak, a hash, or a helm."
Is he going to make a park of it ? I really don't think he under-
stands that I only want this place to be a small Farm-garden or
Garden-farm.
" Then," he continues, " you '11 have the front laid out in flower-
beds, o' course."
Now he has mentioned it, I see, for the first time, that this must
have all along been my original design.
"You'll want a few hardy plants for bedding out, and quick
climbers and some roses, o' course."
Happy Thought. — Bods of roses. By all means. There are various
sorts of roses, I believe ; what does he recommend ?
"Well," he returns slowly, "there's the Glory of Die John, a
wery nice 'un; then there's Sellin Forester as'ud come in well;
and Madame Bosankett is a good 'un to creep. Bulldy Nige would
look well, a John Chirping, a President Lincoln, and a Ilaindy
Botes. You can't do better, too, for making a show, than a Hollibo,
a Ilolison, and a Tirer 'Ammyrick."
"All roses?" I ask.
" All the best sorts as is growd," he replies. " Then there 's Wer-
beeners. You'd like some Werbeeners?"
" Certainly," I answer. " Verbenas, by all means." He really
seems to forget that I 'm arranging for a small Garden-farm, not a
Botanical Show-place.
" For Werbeeners," he continues, " there 's Charles Sqnedgeley
with a cherry centre, and Mr. Pinto, and Miss Pinto pale flesh and
nearly white she is, but they 're for exhibiting. Then, s'pose you
'ad a goodish few Sinnuariers. There 's REUTON'S Miss Jones, white
and rosy, and Lord Wezzlemore, yellow, profusely covered with
small reddish-brown spots— no, that there 's a Calsolarier, though—
and there 'd be a good place for a lean-to house by the wall yonder."
Happy Thought. — A " lean-to house " must be a sort of Tower of
Pisa on the Premises.
I really don't understand what GUTCH'S Foreman thinks I want to
make of the place. He has partially recovered from his despond-
ency, and notes down that I shall require four men, plants, bushes,
and trees. Will I have a flower list, to note down anything that
may strike my fancy ? I thank him, and accept. He is off.
When he 's gone, I examine the catalogue, "and am quite taken
at first with the long names. I mark off in pencil the Philo-
dendrammedonensis JBipinnatifinicatifidum, which sounds like some-
thing between an antediluvian monster and the chorus of a comic
song : then a Sericotelinelladocalyx floribifolia splendemis, which
must be quite a firework of a flower, with a pop-bang to finish with.
Happy Thought. — A flower with a pop-bang shoot.
Under Azaleas, I select Saron Bagwig, fine form, with scarlet
spot ; Duke of Cambridge, rosy carmine ; Martha Spry, richly
spotted with crimson on the top lobe ; The Inimitable Sambo (one of
BTTNOAT'S, I find), covered with small crimson red specks, and of a
profuse flowering habit ; and, as something satisfactory to finish
with, Lady Candlish (Improved).
Up to town, to find answers from Gardeners addressed to " X " at
Minerva Club.
DECEMBER 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
tu
BALLAD OF THE BABES IN THE SEA.
OTH gentle folk and simple folk
give ear while I advance
A deed of dreadful villuny
and most untoward chance,
That in the Medway River,
beside the Chatham docks,
Befell November, stvcnty-
two, by all the city clocks.
The founder of a family in
Woolwich Town resides
(A family with lungs of brass
and lusty iron sides) ;
But of this famous family of
sisters eke and brothers,
"The Twins," for pretty
childish charms, out rivalled
all the others.
This Twin a bouncing; daugh-
ter, and that Twin a proper
son,
Each pretty Woolwich Infant
weighing iive-and-thirty
ton.
And much their father loved them, yet times became BO ill,
That tho' his babes were very dear his coal grew dearer still ;
And so unto his Uncle in their behalf he wrote—
His Uncle lord of all the fleets on British seas afloat,—
" My Uncle GOSCHEN, to your care 1 lovingly commend
My tender little Woolwich Twins— good Uncle, be their friend,
For to supply their childish wants I cannot well afford ;
But you are rich, and readily can yield them bed and board."
He sealed that loving letter up and kissed his children small,
Then to his trusty lighterman he cheerily did call :
" Come, take my Twins across the tide all in thy lighter-barge,
And with this letter render them to their Great Uncle's charge."
Eftsoons that trusty lighterman those Woolwich Twins did steer
All up the Medway River in November of the year ;
Till see, my gentle gossips," he pleasantly did say,
" There rides your good Great Uncle's ship scarce fifty yards away."
Whereat his gentle gossips raised a merry childish crow,
And to the Devastation's side the lighterman did row.
Then their Great Uncle GOSCHEN through his speaking-trumpet
cried, —
" Now who are ye who seek for me upon the Medway tide P "
Whereat, by the companion-rope, a-blowing of his whistle,
That boatswain lighterman he climbed and gave him the Epistle,
Which GOSCHEN, having pondered on and proved its purpose plain,
Quoth he, " My Nephew is too poor these Infants to maintain,
And though I 'm rich and readily could yield them board and bed,
My Nephew dear and I, I fear, must differ on that head ;
Yet if I send them back to him my nephew would lament,
So it were best to murder them, methinks, by accident."
Resolved at last the purpose bold of his bewildered brain,
" What ho ! " said he, " I 've sport for thee— rare sport— my trusty
Crane,
For underneath thy very bill, in yonder lighter-boat,
O Ancient Crane, with valour vain two pigmy foemen float.
So draw thy breath, my martial Bird, arouse thy strident shriek,
And bear the twain in bitterest pain of death before thy beak."
A iflow came o'er that martial Bird, though he with eld was weak,
With menace shrill he shook his bill, and raised his strident shriek ;
Then from the poop with awful swoop those pigmies he did seek.
But age had palsied half his power, and though high up in air,
One of his Infant foes he caught, and clutched and clawed him there :
That Infant tore his talons sharp, and spurned his probing peck.
And shook him free before — pardy !— the Crane could perch on deck.
But out, alas ! 0 cruel chance ! — triumphing as he leapt
Into the lighter where his seat his sister Twin had kept,
Forgetting quite he was not light for such a lighter boat —
Since that these twain upon the main could neither swim nor float—
They both went down, alas ! to drown beneath the billowy ocean,
All through the dreadful villany of their Great Uncle GOSCHEN.
So side by side, beneath the waves, they take a peaceful rest,
For not one storm that round us raves their slumber may molest ;
But pious Periwinkle comes, and covers them instead,
And Mussel eke and Limpet crawl to beautify their bed—
And thus in ancient Medway's arms the Babes are lying dead.
Now shame for Merry England that her Children thus ihould drown
Through those we chose for counsellors to oonniel with the Crown !
But throw one more such llabc o'erboard and GoacuKX know for true,
There '* thirty thousand Englishmen will throw you over, too !
• •••••
But murder aye will out, they say, nor vengeance erer mis*
At any time a cruel crime, and so it chanced with •
For first 'twas whispered under breath, then pub .*h the
land,
That those sweet Babes were lying drowned off Chatham's coral
strand.
Whereat a good Society, entituled the Humane,
With diver and with diving-bell, and <lrag and tackle-chain,
Went searching for those Infant* small beneath thi- Mrdway main.
And long they sought them vainly, but, at last, below the tlood,
They found that pretty pallid pair all smothered up in mud.
0, then, with lamentations loud they 1 <m that*,
And to their native Woolwich town tl,
And to their weeping father's charge, by verdant Woolwich plain*,
Condolingly did render up his Innocent*' remains.
Xay, never cry so bitterly : wise Doctors have a i.
They '11 waken up the Babies, yet, to roar at '
UN MAUVA1S QUART I)' 1 1
WHEN MK. THEODORE CHICKKY (age 24) had an interview in the
library with MR. UOI.DIMI KKN i MORE (age 58), to make proposals of
marriage for hit youngest daughter, KDOEHIA, and found that emi-
nent merchant indisposed to accept him as a son-in-law until he
could show that he was in receipt of an income at least three time*
its present amount.
When that industrious author, MR. MOLMEOFC, called by ap-
pointment on MESSRS. LINTOTT ASD Toxso.s, in Paternoster Row.
and heard their reasons for declining to publish his Ion* projected
work on The Destiny of Morali in Ktlati-n {•• tin DttStfHHUf
Materialism, except at MR. MoLiORorc't own risk.
When MR. CROSBY HALL read the letter from Miss LILT WHITE,
in which that changeable young lady set forth, with some prolixity,
her reasons for thinking it was impossible they could ever be happy
together (although she should always think of him with respect and
esteem), and requested him to return all her letters and present*.
When MAJOR DE CLANCY DE CLANDON, in an interview with
MESSRS. KNEESALL AND KF.RSALL, was informed by those acute
lawyers that they had failed to come to an arrangement with his
creditors, and could only suggest the interference of the Judge in
Bankruptcy.
When the REVEREND DUNSTAN DOOM EH received an influential
deputation from his parishioners, headed by the Churchwardens, in
his study, and listened to a strenuous protest from them against the
innovations he had introduced into the service* at 8t Anselm's,
with an intimation that if he did not desist from his antics they
should be compelled to lay the matter before the Bishop.
When MR. FERDINAND UASHPORTH was sent for by the Master and
Fellows, and informed that they thought a temporary sojourn in the
country would be beneficial both to himself and the College of which
he had ceased to be an ornament.
When MASTER ROBERT HOWLER tat in tho waiting-room of
MR. ENAMEL, dentist.
When MR. GEORGE OSBOCRNBT, JUNIOR, had to go in and tell
" the governor " that he had exceeded his allowance for the last
three years, and was pressed by various tradesmen for a settlement
of their accounts, amounting in the whole to £418 10«. 6J.
When MR. and MRS. HCSSELWIIITI! returned home, after an ab-
sence of six weeks at the sea- side, and found that the rain had come
through the ceiling of the best bed-room, that the soot had fallen and
spoilt the drawing-room carpet, that there was tomething ami«s
with the cistern, and that the " goings on " of the servants had been
When MR. RICHARD THAVIES attended, at the invitation of the
executors, to hear his uncle ABRAHAM'S will read, and learnt that
the old gentleman, having never forgiven him for marrying poor
and pretty CLARA CLIFTON, instead of the wealthy but plain Mis
BESTHORPE, had bequeathed him an annuity of £100, and left
residue of his property (sworn under £90,000 personalty) m equal
proportions, to the County Hospital, the Society for the Suppreewm c
Smoking, and the Commiasioner* for the Reduction of the flatw
When MRH. PARR VKNUE, in the course of a country call on her
neighbour, MRS. NORMAN OLDACRW. discovered that LADY B
was giving a grand ball, to which she and her daughter* were not
When MR. LEONARD DE VINCEY walked through every room in
the Royal Academy, without finding hi* grand mythological picture
of The Laboun of Herculei.
236
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1872.
MISUNDERSTOOD."
SCENE — An Ecening Party. Enter Young Molyneux.
Private Chorus of Ladies. "WHAT A HORRID-LOOKING MAN! WHAT is HK SCOWLING AT?" &c., &c.
[Now we happen to know that Young Sfolyueux is one of the best-tempered fellows extant, but he is dreadfully
shortsighted, lie has forgotten his eye-glass, and is helplessly peering about for the Hostess.
HAMLET ADAPTED TO THE FRENCH.
(ACT III. SCENE 4.)
PERSONAGES.
Hamlet, by M. THIERS.
Queen Mother, by MADAME LA FRANCE.
Polunius, by one or all of Three Old Parties.
SCENE— Versailles.
Enter QUEEN and POLONIUS.
Polonius. He will come straight. Look you lay home to him.
Tell him his speeches are too long to bear with :
That needs o' the time have stood between the wrath
Of the majority and him. I '11 hide me :
Pray you be round with him
Queen. I hear him coming.
[ Polonius gets behind the arras.
Enter HAMLET.
Hamlet. Now, Madame, what 's the matter ?
Queen. HAMLET, thou hast the old parties much offended !
Hamlet. Madame, the old parties have me much offended.
Queen. Come, come, they say you give them too much tongue.
Hamlet. Go, go ; they'd have me give no tongue at all :
But let them wait : sit down — you shall not budge
Till you have heard my allocution out
On the Republic as I 'd have it be,
And the Republic as it still has been.
[Seizes her arm.
Queen. What wilt thou do ? Thou wilt not coup d'etat me f
Help! help, ho!
Polonius (behind). What ho, help !
Hamlet (drawing). How now !— a rat ? Dead for a ducat, dead !
[Makes a pass through the arms.
Polonius (behind). 0, I am slain ! [Falls, and dies.
Queen. 0 me, what hast thou done ?
Hamlet. Killed an old party ?
Which of the Kings ? I mean, the Kings that would be.
Leave clapping of your hands. Peace ! sit you down ;
And let me reach your heart ; for so I shall,
If that cursed Commune have not brazed it so,
That it is armed at proof 'gainst common sense.
[Pointing to Pictures in the Arras.
Look here, upon this picture and on this, —
Republics twain, Conservative and Red.
See what a calm is seated on this brow ;
The crown of peace ; in her hand Order's helm ;
The sharp sword sheathed, no arms but Industry's.
Like the Archangel MICHAEL trampling down
Anarchy and masked Faction and Misrule ;
A combination and a form, indeed,
To which would Order's friends but set their seal,
They 'd give assurance of a France new-made.
That 's my Republic. Look you now, what follows.
The Red Republic— like a fiend of Hell
Blasting her angel sister ! Have you eyes ?
Will you this gentle Genius sacrifice,
And put up with that Gorgon ?
Official Announcement.
THERE were strange names in England in the tirne of the
Puritans, there are strange names still across the Atlantic ; but can
anything be much stranger than this, which we find in the Court
Circular, in its record of a well-deserved honour — "MR. COMMIS-
SIONER or CHARITIES PETER ERLE ? "
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DECEMBER 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
L'39
OUR REPRESENTATIVE MAN.
(He lakes an Ereniny fr<>m Hnme at the Gait-ly Thraln; iiiaktt an
explanation concerning himself [and the <S'. A'. Museum, <nul
addresses the K<liti>r as usual.)
BMMinKK, tin re it but one
CHAUI.I-S MITIIKHS, and
(Treat ought to be his pro-
fit — which " adaptation
from the Turkish" hai
not, it will Btrike your
readers, much to do with
the Kensington Museum,
where I was left, till
called for, last wn-k.
Sir, the Game of Specula-
tion has been reproduced
at the Gaiety Theatre, and
as I dp not know how
long^ it is to run, I hereby
advise all whom it may
concern to see our Charles
the First, 'meaning, of
course, CHARLM MA-
THEWS,' inlthe rule of
Affable Hawk. Paren-
thetically I may remind
any thoughtful person
who does me the honour
of reading these papers (written, Sir, by me as Your Representative
Man), that my aim and object in visiting the S. K. Museum wag to
go through it on my road to the N. P. Gallery, where I expected to
nnd a portrait of CHARLES as "made up" by MB. IRVIHO. Hence it
will be seen that my thoughts, running on one CHAKLES, very easily
ran on to the other ; and moreover, be it remembered, some weeks ago
I ventured to suggest that this very comedy should be given. It is
given. Q. E. D.
CHARLES MATHEWS is still inimitable in it. Mind, it is not a
play of action, but a play of good dialogue,— a play with several
telling situations belonging to the region of pure comedy, and not
to farce. Affable Hawk is a finished picture, the other characters
sharp, striking sketches. When poor FRAMK MATTHEWS played
Earthworm, and whined and wheedled for the smallest advance of
interest on account, what a scene that used to be between him and
Affalle Hawk. I should much like to see Ma. BENJAMIN \V :
in Earthworm, which is, in its own way, as grotesque a character as
is the part of Graves in Money, Let any playgoer acquainted with
the Game of Speculation call to mind Triplet, Graves, and Penn
Holder, and he will at once see how naturally the part of Earth-
worm would fall into ME. WEBSTER'S hands, and how admirably it
would be played. However, in the multiplication of Theatres there
is vanity (and plenty of it), and vexation of spirit too ; and as we
cannot get what we want, we must be contented with such castes as
we have, and be thankful. The fable about the bundle of sticks does
not evidently apply in theatrical matters, as, though union is
strength, yet the concentration of a company of Sticks on one par-
ticular spot can only result in a display of the most utter feebleness,
and must end in total failure.
The parts in The Game of Speculation are not easily filled. Put-
ting aside the principal character, which I hold as an article of
theatrical iaith can only be completely played by CHARLES MATHEWS,
every one of the others, excepting the conventional young lovers,
well and carefully represented here by Miss BROCOH and MR.
BISHOP, demands what is known on the stage as a " character
actor," that is, an artist whose weakness would be shown in a sus-
tained effort, but whose strength lies in small, eccentric, part. Now,
at the Gaiety they are as good as they can be ; but, from the abso-
lute necessity of the case, not by any means so good as others
specially picked for the occasion (which was impossible) would have
been. Taken for all in all, and remembering that we have come
only to see CHARLES MATHEWS in Affable Hawk, it must be allowed
that the play is very fairly done, and in some respects, as in the
Fndtriek Noble of MR. BISHOP, and in the Gmssmark of MR.
SOUTAR, there is, to my mind, a decided improvement on the origi-
nals. Julia is charming and ladylike at the Gaiety, and, to do
justice to her, I could almost say would I had never seen dark,
sparkling-eyed Miss OLIVER at the Lyceum. I am true to my first
love — • Heavens I what is this ? Do I forget, Sir, that on these
occasions 1 am not myself at all, but only Tour Representative ?
do not forget it. But ... I saw her for a moment, and methinks I
see her now . . . forgive me, RICHARD is himself again, as much,
that is, as he ever can ne as long as he Represents You.
To all those whom Providence has blessed with any sum from
ninepence to four pounds four shillings and threepence, the last-
named amount in coppers being for the purchase of PmcA, wherein
is written this advic«. Your Representative taya, unhesitatingly,
Uo and see CHARLES MATHEWH as AffMt Hatck, and while you 're
there don t talk, but listen, and you^l have enough to tall
afUr n'iiB over, when, probably, if you've never Men it
von 11 announce your : t going to »ee it again, and will
become in future a wiser and a better-off man, an )».•
country, a blessing to your children, and an ornament to TOUT fire-
stove."
Being on Theatrical mattcri, I will defer the few remarks I have
yet to make on the 8. K. Museum and the N. I1. Gallery till next
You see, Sir, after studying Art during th« .lay, one mutt
have some little relaxation at night ; and going t« the Theatre it aa
little relaxation as it it possible to take, that it, eontistenUy with
my representative position. I think that one of thete fine night*,
when not too blowy, I shall go to St. 1'aul'n, and hear a lecture to
Young Men by CAXON Ln.ii iioi.i. I'r.tly • tme, I.ightfoot: to
suggestive of the Ballet. He might finish up with ap<u <U ducouri.
There's a CANON (iitKiORT, too, who goes in for lecture*. A propot
of whom a Kooli.sh Young Man (whom Ididn'tmud to a I... 'ur. , l.ut
gave him one on the spot) asked me. M a conundrum, " With what
powder ought this Canon to be loaded F " The answer waa, of course,
" i ;i;t:.;oRT's Powder ; " but I didn't guess it. A man who will aay
such things as that, ought not to be asked out to dinm r.
Bat, dear me, I 've got from the Gaiety to St. Paul's, from gay to
grave, from lively to severe. By the way. . know that
the Ancnnisnor OK CANTBRBURT nas appointed Mu. BATEXAX to the
Rectory of Southchurch, Essex ? I quote from the paper*, and be-
lieve it for a fact. Only it '« not MR. BATKMAK of the Lyceum.
And with this idiotic " sell " (he called it) I was onoe more taken in
by the foolish young man above mentioned. There ought to be
Lectures to Foolish Young Men : except that all young men are
foolish. Tire In Bagatelle!—* game, by the way. that I detest,
and not to be mentioned in the same breath with billiards.
We are to be overdone with from MY//. Because Char let it being
well executed nightly at the Lyceum, we are therefore to have
Cromwell at the Queen's, t'romtrell at the Princess's, and, I tup-
pose, a burlesque or two on Charles and Crumicetl at the small
theatres, with perhaps at Christmas a few pantomime* on the tame
subject, with ('mmirell afterwards Cloicn, and ('harks afterwards
Harlequin. Why doesn't some one bring out Hmry the J-fyhth,
there's a Cromwell in that. Itother that Koolith Young Man 1 Be
comes to me with another conundrum, this time theatrical. He aakt
me, " If MR. GEORGE BELMORX didn't come on to hit proper cue and
injured MR. I HY ING'S scene, what quotation from Snuetpeare would
the latter make F " I guessed it at once, and repjiedj " There waa
the If'nit that pulled me down, ~
man went away, shut up like a
again with you, Robin, at the sc_D _
looked in again suddenly, to suggest that this woold be the tune to
let houses in Cromwell Road, South Kensington. I have given strict
orders not to admit him again on any pretext I remain, Sir, aa
before' YOTO RBPUSKfTATTVI MAW.
the It'iiit that pulled me down, 0 Cromwell ! " The fooliih Tpung
rent away, shut up like a gibut and sat upon utterly. Never
again with you, Robin, as the song says. The Fooliih Young Man
TEMPERANCE FOOD AND DRINK.
THAT great Statesman and Champion of Temperance and Liberty,
SIR WILFRID LAWSON, the other day, addressed hit constituents at
the last of the three northern towns commemorated in a line by the
Minstrel : —
" Warkworth, and Naworth, and merry Carliile."
0, how merry, if truly represented by the Corypbtrnt of the
United Kingdom Alliance I Likely to be how much more merry if
compelled, by the triumph of that conspiracy, to addict itself to
thin potations ! Yes, and MR. EMIUND POTTEB, Carlisle's other
representative, addressed his electors also. Is not this POTTER most
potent in his potting ? He should be, to balance the Teetotallers'
Baronet. MR. POTTER'S speech is not reported in a contemporary
that summarises his colleague's ; but if equal in eloquence and
Wisdom to that, it must have been splendid. -"-IK WILFRID
LAWSON expressed himself in oratory which, popularly speaking, we
may call " the cheese," and here is a specimen of the ripe Stilton : —
" He condemned the Parks Bill at fooliih and uncalled-for, and with retp<-. I
to the Alabama claim* rejoiced that American aUomojihip had betn tri-
umphed over by English •tatesmaiuhip."
If SIR WILFRID LAW-.IN is personally a total abstainer, which he
may be presumed to be since he labours to enforce total abstinence
on others, his view of the Alabama affair exemplifies the extra-
ordinary influence exerted on the appetite fnr food by the exclusion
from drink of " intoxicating liquors." " How nice," he exclaims,
in another form of words, " how delicious, and savoury is Humble
Pie!" Water, certainly, is the right stuff wherewithal to wash
that viand down. Humble Pie it not rich. At any rate its di-
gestion is not to be helped by a glass of brandy.
240
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1872.
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DECEMBER 7, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
241
TOO LATE.
Middle-Aged Custmntr. " MR. BASSBRIDGE, MY MUSICAL EDUCATION HAS BUN
UTTERLY NEOLBCTED, BUT I 'VB A STRONG DlSIRE TO PRACTISE SOME IN8TBC-
MKNT. WHAT SHOULD YOU ADVISB MB TO TAKE UP ? "
Conscientious Tradesman. " WELL, SIB, I SHOULD RECOMMEND TOT TRIANGLE
— OR — YES — I THINK A MUSICAL SNUfFBOX, SlR, WOULD BE THE BEST !"
\\I.\CIIKSTKi; MKASI'RK.
WF. 've h*d letter-writ in? enough and more
About Winchester tumlry :
Till the thing beirini to be felt a bore
By all and sundry.
Haiten and parents, boyt young and old,
To print they nwh all,
Their viewii as discipline to unfold,
Hy the Winchester buihel.
There are letters from boy» who 've been tunded
of yore,
And rather like it :
From boys in who«e souls uh-stick '• so sore,
To " ground " they 'd strike itl:
Letters from parent* who think their lad*
The better for kicking ;•
From parents who argue that only cadi
Can improve by licking.
A letter' in English less classic than queer
From Head-Master Kinm
Another from his assistants, good cheer
To the Doctor bidding.
A letter from MR. ALLAN MACFHEJUOX,
Papa of the victim ;
But none from the "good and gentle" young person
Who cruelly licked him.
Lartly, not one letter, but a batch
<>t the victim's own,
Wherein more sense, with spirit to match,
By this schoolboy 's shown.
Than in all the old folks who 've written-Head-
Maaters
Or Masters- Assistant,
Papaa or pedagogues, pedants or pastors-
Seems existent !
Whatever Winchester training may be,'
That boy 's a trump ;
In spite of tundings from WHTTB, P.C.,
With ground-ash or stump —
His punishment, while he feels it unjust,
He takes, tans blather or ban,
Yes, out of the lot who 've kicked up a dust,
The boy is the Man.
"ON THE CARDS."
IT is on the Cards that a considerable number of us, whose only
reproach is a small and stationary income, may have to discontinue
the use of butcher's meat, coals, fruit, vegetables, and other expen-
sive luxuries.
It is on the Cards that the exportation of money for the conversion
of the heathen abroad may be checked, until the improvement of
the " heathen" at home has made a little more progress.
It is on the Cards that the commencement and duration of the
Session of Parliament may be governed by other considerations than
the convenience and amusement of Noblemen and Gentlemen ad-
dicted to field sports.
It is on the Cards that it may be found practicable to maintain
discipline in Public Schools, without giving the big boys power to
bruise the little boys.
It is on the Cards that law may be made less costly, less dilatory,
and less vexatious.
It is on the Cards that the dissemination of blasphemy and sedi-
tion on Sunday, in Hyde Park, may be stopped.
It is on the Cards that all tne dirty, idle, mischievous, and neg-
lected children, may be taken out of the streets and sent to school.
It is on the Cards that the various religious parties in this country
may cease from their rivalries, disputes, and animosities, and com-
bine together against ignorance, heathenism, poverty, crime, vice,
dirt, and misery.
It is on the Cards that the First Commissioner of Public Works
and Buildings may relieve his colleagues and his country, by volun-
tarily resigning office.
It is on the Cards that the Head Master of Winchester may spend
a portion of his Christmas vacation in the practice of English com-
position.
It is on the Cards that a few of us may live to see the centre of
Leicester Square made either useful or ornamental.
It is on the Cards that at some future day the Metropolis may
possess proper Municipal Government.
It is on the Cards that Ireland may become contented, and Irish
priests satisfied.
It .is on the Cards that railway travellers may set out on their
journeys with some little confidence in the prudence, care, and good
management of Railway Companies.
It is on the Cards that the public may be allowed to visit the
British Museum and the National Gallery every day in the week.
It is on the Cards that the laws now in force for the careful pre-
servation of hares, rabbits, pheasants, partridges, and other «Tiin»«l.
ffrif nnturtf, may be reconsidered and revised.
It is on the Cards that we may enjoy the blessing of female
doctors, female lawyers, female barristers, female professors, female
voters, female Members of Parliament, and a body of female clergy.
PRIESTS AND PEDAGOGUES.
A TELEGRAM from Berlin a few dayi ago announced that the
Lower House of the Diet had debated a motion of HSRK MALLINC-
XRODT against the exclusion of members of ecclesiastical congrega-
tions ana orders from teaching in public schools. This exclusion, as
you know, was decreed on the 15th of last June. The Government
is supported by the House in its resolve to take education oat of the
hands of the Clergy. What of that ? Why, if we hear mnch more
about "tunding, and such like manners and customs at public
schools, it is not impossible that the British Parliament mar support
a secular Ministry in enforcing the same dispossession. Clergymen
in general are as prone to, as they are unfit for, the exercise of
arbitrary power, and they commonly rule with favouritism, which
many of them seem to regard as an element in the government of
the universe. Moreover, is the training of intellect for the investi-
gation of truth wisely confided to the dogmatic and evasive nlsftol
mind?
Tine HIGH LBVK,.— The Tight- Rope.
242
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 7, 1872.
HAPPINESS FOR THE HUMBLEST.
OTJBTLESS minds of enlarged
sympathy have derived
pleasure from the follow-
ing announcement in the
Post:—
"THE DCKE OF Buc-
CLEUCH'S BIRTHDAY. — The
London tradesmen of the DUKE
OF BUCCLEUCH celebrated the
anniversary of his Grace's
birthday yesterday morning
by dining together at the
Freemasons' Tavern, Great
Queen Street. Ma. BAILY, of
Mount Street, presided over a
larger gathering than for some
years past. The pleasure of
the evening was increased by
the excellent musical arrange-
ments, under the direction of
MR. KANSFORD."
When a selfish fellow in
narrowcircumstancesreads
such a piece of news as the
above, it inspires him with
the mean and miserable
passion of envy. But a
largely sympathetic one is
moved by its perusal with
amiable and happy feelings. Instead of envying the nobleman to
whom it refers, he puts himself in his place, and, by so doing,
essentially as well as ideally ennobles himself, by making that noble-
man's happiness his own. To do that, besides energetic benevo-
lence, no more is necessary than adequate imagination. Try to
fancy yourself a Duke, consider what an extensive benefactor you
must be to your species when you have a host of tradesmen holding
a festival every year to celebrate your birthday. All the delight felt
by his Grace himself when he makes this reflection, you yourself
experience if you succeed in the endeavour to imagine yourself him.
Thus much of the enjoyment attending rank and wealth, too, you
can realise without paying anything for it ; whereas it must cost an
actual Duke something considerable. The bold BUCCLEUCH'S gdod
health, and long life to him !
" WELCOME BACK, BOBBIES ! "
Now, welcome back, our Bobbies, to our arms that love you well,
Tour HENDERSON, your Public, your Punch, your area-6e//e .-
Defiance of authority no more, let 's hope, to show,
Nor go wrong, like naughty children, when a Good.child bids you go.
We look to you, our Bobbies, example high to set ;
Our A 1 stands, by right, a-top of our civic alphabet.
But the staff that London leans on is broken in her hand,
When he that should bid roughs " move on," along with roughs
takes stand.
You are soldiers, though your colour be the lobster's yet unboiled :
True blue 's a noble uniform, that never should be soiled.
As your duty 's to keep order, so 'tis orders to obey,
Not to argue with your officers, or their commands gainsay.
To hold her own authority has in these days much ado,
Now each man 's as good as another, if he isn't better too.
In your helmets of black felt walks crowned the majesty of law,
And, as her light is your bull's-eye, it should be without flaw.
If the force of Order listen to Disorder's Siren song,
Nor put wax into their ears when Good Children tempt to wrong ;
Needs must that we deaf ears should turn e'en to their just demands,
And stint what else had been bestowed with large and liberal hands.
But let bye-gones be bye-gones ; you were misled, you fell ;
You've been punished; you've asked pardon; you've been par-
doned : all is well.
Henceforth be the faith of London in her Bobbies as before,
And delegates, disobedience, and defiance be no more.
TO A CORRESPONDENT.
You must have been strangely misinformed. The name of the
Winchester Founder was WILLIAM OP WYKEHAM, not LICK 'EM.
THE RETURN OF THE ADMIRAL ;
OR, RED-HEART RUM.
WK thought a British Admiral beneath St. Paul's should sleep,
And therefore we did not consign old TRUNNION to the deep.
The skipper said, " Although extinct may be the vital spark,
We will not have him eaten up by yonder brutal shark.
" What matter if the spirit dwell no longer in the clay ?
Still spirit put outside of that will keep it from decay.
What spirit for that purpose will the fittest spirit be 'i
The New Tea Spirit, llobur, lads, suggests itself to me."
" The New Tea Spirit Robur, Sir, this vessel can't afford,
Because a certain quantity is all we have on board.
There 's but little gin and whiskey, still less brandy, and there 'a
some,
But not a single drop too much, prime Old Jamaica Rum."
" St. Paul's must hold our Admiral, whatever may betide,
So take the biggest cask you have and his corpus put inside.
Then pour in Old Jamaica Rum. and till it to the brim ;
But our Admiral shall never sink as long as we can swim."
Still lower ran our alcohol, and lower as we ilew,
Till stinted were the officers, as first had been the crew ;
And all hands in chorus thouted, " To a pretty pass wo 've come !
We have scarcely any Robur, and are almost out of Rum."
One morn was BAIINEY BUNTING with BILLY BOWLING found
Dead drunk abaft the binnacle, when the boatswain's mate went
round.
Their words were inarticulate amid the tempest's roar ;
But, " They 've been and tapped the Admiral ! " aghast the sea-
men swore.
The New Tea Spirit, llobur, first was advertised about,
And after that came Red Heart Rum on posters likewise out :
But never for a moment did we countenance the " hum "
That our late lamented Admiral came o'er in Red Heart Rum.
THREE GOOD COURSES.
GEOGRAPHERS, and Chartographers, and Topographers, are under-
stood to adhere to some old-world notions about Arcadia in connec-
tion with Greece, and the Morea, and the poets and fabulists of old ;
but a large and daily increasing number of agreeable, intelligent,
and influential people, residing in London and its suburbs, and in the
country districts, have made the valuable discovery— they make no
secret of it— that this blissful region is much nearer home than it
has been the custom to suppose ; indeed they go so far as to assert
that they have found Arcadia, Happy Arcadia, much to their satis-
faction, in Middlesex, uu London, in Regent Street, in Waterloo
Place, in the Gallery of Illustration !
These same enterprising explorers further allege that after
making acquaintance with Arcadia, Happy Arcadia, and its in-
habitants, few in number but very agreeable, they were entertained
at a Five o' Clock Tea, which they relished greatly, and were then
about to rejoin their wraps and overcoats— at least those of them
who were nervous and timid — on hearing that there was something
which was Very Catching, but being solemnly assured that they
would find nothing which was infectious (except the laughter),
remained, and congratulated themselves that they had not yielded
to a momentary panic, and so lost the diversion of going a-flshing
with young Mr. Dibble, Miss Dora Keetk, and the other worthy
successors of IZAAK WALTON.
Altogether, there can be no doubt that those who have wit enough
to exchange the disagreeable realities of London, in these gloomy
months, for the Gallery of Illustration and its pleasant illusions of
Happy Arcadia, Five o1 Clock Tea, and Very Catching, will be able
to lay their heads on their pillows at night, and say, with the
EMPEHOB THEODOLITE, " We nave not lost a day ! "
A Game of Balls.
A BALL, danced on Thursday last at Brighton, is understood in
fashionable circles to have been the Ball of the Brighton season. It
was announced as the " County Croquet Ball." Thus in Sussex it
appears that the pastime of Croquet comprises one grand ball addi-
tional to the ordinary number of Croquet balls. But in the case of
both them and it we perceive, on reflection, that the ball is at the
foot of the player. Mark you that.
PKCEMBER 14, lf"2.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
243
THE PESTILENCE OF STRIKES.
TOADIES of the " Working Man."
See to what your Cant has lea.
".Strike," the liakers Mid, " we can ; "
Struck, and tried to itop nur bread.
Next the Ouardiani of the I'eaee,
Even, strui-k against u« t
" We will," threatened the 1'ulioe,
" Leave you to the ruJliaiu' crtw."
Then struck Stokers, of a claw
Public servants, at pur light ;
All they could they did, of gas,
London to deprive at night.
Mutinies are strikis like these ;
Thus its head Rebellion rears.
Soldiers, sailors, if you please,
Next will strike, turm <1 mutineer*.
"SAUCE FOR GOOSE, SAUCE," ETC.
Intelligent Officer. " YBR CAN'T, SIR I WKET SORRY, BUT n't PAST TWBLVE
O'CLOCK." [Poor Jones, after his six songs and long walk, would have given hit
head for- But no matter ; a time will come I
A Long Affair.
THESE is news from Japan. " Four native priest*
have left for Europe, to study the various religions." It
is to be hoped that these priests are single men, without
wives and families to lament their absence, for many a
day must elapse before they will see their own country
again. England alone has claims upon their notice,
which they will liiid themselves unable to attend to
within anything like a moderate period of time. Should
they extend their investigations to America, no date for
the return of the studious party to Japan can possibly be
fixed.
Republican Loyalty.
HER MAJESTI'S friend, the Member for Chelsea, has
asked the Time* to contradict the statement, in a report
of the " English Republican Conference." at Sheffield,
that the appearance of a Post Office Order from flu
CHARLES DILKE was receivd with cheers, and to say
that it is not true that he has subscribed to that asso-
ciation. For all his attachment to Republican prin-
ciples, SIB CHARLES DILKE refuse* to sacrifice his
Sovereign.
END AND MEANS.
THE Government may be congratulated on the happy circum-
stance that the system of fancy surcharges for Income-tax under
Schedule D is at length, after a long period of laudable perseverance
in it, beginning to answer its purpose. A resolute agitation against
that impost is becoming general among those who are plundered by
its unequal incidence. In particular, the subjoined pleasing an-
noucement has appeared in the Times : —
" THB INCOME-TAX.— The LORD MAYOR, in compliance with a requiti-
tion, numerously signed, both by liverymen and merchants 'in the City of
London, has convened a public meeting to be held on Friday the 13th inrt.,
at half-past two o'clock, in the Guildhall, to consider the incidence of the
Income-tax, and the justice of its final repeal. His Lordship himself will
preside on the occasion."
It was a wise and beneficent thought to aggravate the Income-tax
so as to make it absolutely intolerable, with a view to arouse an
agitation against it which would enforce its repeal. In no other
way could the Ministry have counteracted the discouragement of all
demands for the abolition of it by the persistent repetition of the cry
that there can never be an end of it, and that the Act which created
it is like one of the laws of the Medes and Persians, which altered
not. The plan of surcharging its victims, under Schedule D, served
to bring home to the British Public, and set vividly before their
eyes, the point that in regard to taxation they are practically placed
in the same state of things as the people of Sparta were respecting
theft. There it was held not at all morally wrong or dishonourable to
steal, only the thief had to take care not to be found out. Stealing
was regarded as merely a malum prohibitum ; not a malum m te at
all. So, as regards the Income-tax, the people, that is, that part of
them whose earnings it confiscates, have had impressed upon them
by extraordinary extortion on the part of the instruments of the
Inland Revenue, that it is all fair to cheat the Government by making
false returns if you can, only risking the consequences. The Income-
tax Assessors set the example of fraud by surcharging traders and
earners, and the class of those likely to be surcharged are thus
taught that fraud is at least as fair for one side as extortion is for
the other, whilst their only self-defence from being cheated practi-
cally is to cheat whilst they are able. The Government, in adaptation
of what Da. JomrsoN onoe said to DR. PEBCI concerning politeness,
has in effect proclaimed to the sufferers of exaction :— " Sirs, we have
thrown away morality ; we are to be as fraudulent as we can.
Action on this understanding, if it were to become general, would
very soon render the collection of the Income-tax impossible ; and
then the possibility of finding a substitute for it in England as well
as in other countries would be discovered.
In the meanwhile, it has perhaps occurred to the promoters of the
Anti-Income-tax meeting in the City that the existing relations
between the Governors who impose, and the Governed who evade,
excessive and partial taxation, are demoralising, and that injustice
on the one side had better cease to develop roguery on the other.
RITES AND LIBERTIES.
IT may appear remarkable to observant foreigners that whilst
publicans arecompelled to close their houses during certain hours on
Sunday, dealers in tobacco and vendors of drugs are allowed to keep
open shop. Apprised of the unlimited toleration accorded in .this
country to every form of dissent, perhaps some of our lively neigh-
bours might suppose that, like Methoduts, Baptists and .Non-
conformists otherwise named, Tobaoooniita, and Chemists sad
Druggists, are members of peculiar denominations enjoying right*
of conscience in the observance of a Sunday. So that, or example
if one of them were asked, " Are yon a Sabbatarian t his answer
would be " No ; I am a Tobacconist."
It is not generally known or imagined that we have in our miost
a sect of Buddhists. That name, however, has been applic
nursery gardeners, whose cult includes both grafting and budding.
Toleration for ever !
Fine Art Gossip.
WE understand that an eminent Equity Draughtsman is «****<*
on a work of Art, which he hopes to finish painting in time to b«
able to send it to the exhibition of the Royal Academy.
VOL. ism.
It B
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER H, 1872.
at lunri).
0 the railway from Yeddo to Yokohama has been
' opened by the MIKADO. There is some comfort in
. railway travelling in Japan. If an accident, through
negligence, happens, the Board of Directors is
chopped to pieces, and its wives and children are
sold to pay damages to survivors. Here, a Company abuses the
sufferers, via the Secretary. As TOM HOOD wrote about another
sort of folks: there's a fire, and "the streets with loud voices are
tilled "-
"~0 ! it's only the firemen a-swearing
At a man they 've run over and killed."
There is rather a good picture in the Charivari. A. ruffianly
prisoner brought before a Judge, takes off his cap with exquisite
politeness, and observes, " Ah, M'sieu, I have not seen you for at
least two months. I trust that Madame is quite well."
I read in the Pall Mall Gazette that a farmer has discovered that
to let oxen, when indisposed, devour apples, is an excellent method
of cure. Dear me I When I was seventy or eighty years younger,
f»io»o ™>= o " nonsense song," highly popular, and twe lines were,
" They don't feed cows on apple-tarts,
Poor people have a right to sneeze."
there was a '
Extrusion of the " H " may, I think, be called exaspirating.
MB. GLADSTONE (in hi» beautiful valedictory address to the Uni-
versity of Edinburgh) mentioned that among the Greeks ugliness
was regarded as a kind of sin. I have heard strong-minded ladies
assert that in England there exists a similar superstition.
" One ought, every day," says GOETHE, " at least to hear a little
song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if possible, speak a
few reasonable words." I always do this. I sing and read some-
thing of my own, look into my glass, and remark how very superior
I am to the rest of creation.
ALDEEMAN KEM.Y, the publisher, gave a very good reason for
preferring deceased authors to living ones. He said that the former
never kept him waiting for copy.
What do you think, my TOBIAS? This detested weather— well,
well, we won't talk about it. But the Registrar says that it is most
healthy, the rains cleanse the sewers, and mortality diminishes. To
insult us with statistics, when we can hardly speak for colds, is
cold-blooded officialism.
There is a vacancy in the School Board. Why not put a School-
boy in it ? He would give the theorists some wrinkles.
The Saturday Review points out that the advertisements of the
Hoftheater, at Dresden, are habitually composed in bad German.
This is very sad. Look at the exquisite English of the modest and
simple announcements by our own Managers. However, do not let
us be proud.
" A Bank of England note is practically a Mint Certificate," said
the Times. It speaks well for the good sense of our young: ladies,
that a man wants a good many of such things to get at a Marriage
Certificate.
Does the study of Phrenology make folks mean ? I heard of a
phrenologist who was very anxious to inspeut some poor man's
head, so got him to shave it. Having examined the lumps and
bumps, he dismissed the man, who, being too needy to buy a wig (the
scientific person utterly declining to pay for one), had to wear a red
nightcap tor months.
A criminal requires great interest to get himself hanged in these
days. When DOCTOR DODD was condemned, the jury, the City of
London, and i';i,()i)() other persons petitioned for his life— and iu
vain.
" 'Tis not a day or two shows us a man," remarks Mas. EMILY
IAOO. Or a woman. I know a family in whi;i: i an old
maiden lady, who by the united voice of every '• declared
"the sweetest old lady in the world." Yet the family did nothing
bat quarrel. When she became extinct, so did all the quarrelling.
MR. DISRAELI said, in the House, that Hansard, instead of being
the Delphi of Debate was the Dunciad of Politics.
Mistletoe time is approaching, and the fact reminds me that an
engaged young gentleman got rather neatly out of a little scrape
with his intended. She taxed him with having: kissed two ladies at
some party at which she was not present. He owned it, but said
that their united ages made only twenty-one. The simple-minded
girl thought of ten and eleven, and laughed ofl' her puuL He did
not explain that one was nineteen and the other two years of age.
Wasn't it artful, Tobias '(
What bad handwriting comes to me, incessantly ! A person has
no more right to send you a letter which you cannot easily read. than
to talk to you in a mumbling voice which you can't easily hear.
However, at the second difficulty the letter, long or short, goes into
the fire.
The " valiancy" of some of those Gas-Strikers in writing to abuse
the HOME SECRETARY for assisting to supply labour, was noteworthy,
considering that everybody hopes they will have to write to him
again asking for remission of their sentences— and asking in vain.
At dinner the other night a lady remarked to me, in reference to
this grand new sea-bottom exploration, that of course it was very
delightful to learn that invisible shells could be found at awful
depths, but that it would be much more delightful to hear that the
dredgers had brought up some of the real Treasures of the Deep,
the " reflecting gems," and "wedges of gold," and "heaps of
pearl " that SHAKSPEAEE (who knew everything) says are lying
about in every direction. I said I would mention her idea to my
friend MB. LOWE, but that I feared she was worldly.
Something, I forget what, that has lately occurred, reminded me
of the storjr of a Judge who, alluding to an unfortunate match, said
that marriages between "January" and "May" were seldom
lucky. He received a letter from Scotland asking his reasoa for
fixing those particular dates.
Bother about not buying things at the Co-operative Stores. I just
shall buy there. Perpend. I wanted a porcelain slate on which to
inscribe daily my electric inspirations. I saw just the thing in an
elegant window in Oxford Street. The price was four shillings. I
bought quite as good a one at the Stores for two and threepence.
There it is before you. Whereby I am, by one and ninepence, abler
to pui chase bon-bons for my little friends at Christmas than I should
have been had I gone to the shop. Now one fact 's worth a hundred
arguments, and it will take at least a hundred to make my little
friends see why I should have paid four shillings for the porcelain,
and given them fewer bun-bims.
In the North they are getting up another memorial to BURNS !
Our friends there seem shockingly afraid that he will be forgotten.
But he will not. His less objectionable works have been mentioned
favourably in several leading " Cockney" magazines.
Sycorax, the blue-eyed hag, Caliban'1 s mamma, was a witch, and
was transported. They would not put her to death " for one thing
she did." What was this? is the question again agitating the Shaks-
pearian world. Nobody seems to have remembered that she came
from Argier, which is Algiers. What would be a good, redeeming
deed in the eyes of cruel African savages ? The idea is too shocking
for anything but a Christmas fireside story.
DECEMBER 14. 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Ml
IMPORTANT, IF TRUE.
N the afternoon of Monday lait
week the DEANS of CANTKII-
nuar and CHESTER, on behalf
of a large number of the Clergy
of both Provinces, waited on
the AHCUIUSHOP OF CAHTSH-
at Lambeth Palace, to
present His Grace, 'and the
AB.CHIUSHOP OF YORK, with
memorials "praying for some
change either in the compul-
sory rubric or in the damna-
tory clauses of the Athanasian
Creed." Is not the chance
past praying for '( Can it be
made without the sanction of
Parliament — a Parliament
which includes three ROTHS-
CHILDS, M it. MIALL, and Sin
llKORGE BOWYER, With Other
gentlemen of those gentlemen's
respective persuasions, and
others besides of other persua-
sions dissident from the Forty
Articles save one ': Are orthodox Clergy prepared to accept the
licence of heterodox Legislators to reform a Rubric or a Creed ?
This is not the place wherein to enter into a theological discussion
respecting the Creed of St. Athanasius. Even if it were, all snoh
discussion would, on the memorialists against the uee, or for the
modification, of that ingredient of the Liturgy, be wasted. They
continue to ignore, in spite of having had it pointed out to them,
that the question of leaving the Atbanasian Creed alone or not ought
to depend upon the opinion entertained of it* truth or falsehood.
They still require to be reminded that, if a statement, of infinite
importance if true, is true, then it cannot be too carefully retained
in its integrity, nor too frequently recited in the hearing of as many
people as possible. The idea of tampering with or shelving a terrible
truth because its declaration is terrific, could only, reason suggest*,
occur to a very peculiar kind of intellect. If reverend gentlemen
believe the Athanasian Creed, and are not idiots, they would, one
thinks, rally faithfully round it ; if otherwise believing, indeed, they
are wise in doing otherwise. But then, if they do not believe if.
why do they not say so P Wanted, by a numerous body of reverend
Divines, consistency, candour, and common sense.
WANTED.
" WOMEN'S Sr FFRAOE.— The Central Committee of the National Society
intend to appoiut a Corresponding Secretary (lady or gentleman)."
WE imagine that a little surprise will be felt at the last two
words within the parenthesis. One would have supposed that no
Women's
found
adequate to the duties of the situation ?
It will look like a satire on their assumptions and claims, if the
"Women's Suffrage" Society have to stoop to avail themselves of
the services of a member of that sex, a large majority of which
is suspected of feeling a very moderate amount of enthusiasm about
the craving desire of (some) women to mix themselves up with
politics and elections.
" If he isn't, he should have been."
SHALLOW people have been asking on what possible ground BOB
LO\VE, an Englishman born and bred, should have been asked to
preside at the Scottish dinner. We should have thought it clear—
from his tigKfc grip o' the bawbees. " Ipiis Hiherntt Hibrrnior"
used to be said of the English settlers m Ireland. " Ipsit Scott's
Scat for " is surely true of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER when-
ever the cash is concerned.
Testimonial to John Knox.
THE Kirk of Scotland holds peculiar views on the subject of
Lights. The chief of these may be said to be the Moderator Lamp.
The REV. l)u. CANDLISH is also a shining light; his name implying
that he is indeed something like a candle. Not to be confounded
with any parson of the Ritualist party, whose weakness for wax-
tapers induces them to burn daylight.
Till; riiALLr.M.KK 11KR ( IIAI
1 'M a spar-decked corvette, built of wood not of iron,
I am rood undi-r steam, under sail :
Mi'-M-platu dead-wi ighli my topiides environ,
So 1 ride lice a duck through a gale.
By my Lords 1 'm about to 1»- put in commission,
r'or a cruise of three yearn, it not four :
And fur all 1 'm short-handed, 1 carry pi "Vision
Such as corvette ne'er victualled betort.
- no cruise to train offlotn, boys, or Uu<--j»ek*jta,
Or I'.iii IAHSU'H old fUg to display ;
To observe ainl - • h Amtnuuu racket*,
( >r enjoy lite in N.iplfi' bin* bay :
T.I martin- nmn<> nvres, or study (team-tactics,
Hunt <1 iwn j.irate-juuk or slave-dhow ;
The i ;t . :• i now aims at higher didactics,
And on diil'tri lit qn*sU sets her ]
HIT task 's to sound Ocean, smooth humours or rough in,
To examine old NIP'S deep-*** bed ;
Dredge up samples precise ot hi* mattress's stuffing,
And the bolsters that pillow his head :
To study the dip and the dance of th» needle ;
Test the current* of ocean and air —
In a word, all her secrets from Nature to wheedle.
And the great freight of facts homeward bear.
And by way of a treat— when the Fauna and FU,ra
Of all lands and all seas I've ran through.
And learnt if the Austral Antarctic Annra
Our Boreal in beauty outdo—
In the Isle of Kerguelen, with nothing betom us
But the thinnest of clouds-0 what fun !-
I 'm to lurk and look on at the transit of YflHB,
Across the broad blush of tb* ran !
For this I bear science to seamanship plighted,
In THOMPSON and NAM and MACLBAB,
While from highest to lowest aboard all united,
To serve both alike volunteer.
Broadside guns have made room to ship battenes magnetic,
Apparatus turns out ammunition,
From main-deck to ground-tier I 'm a peripatetic
Polytechnic marine exhibition.
"Mighty finel" lays JOHH BULL. "But, pray, how abont
Cash soon makes ducks and drakes in the Ocean." _
Treasury leave was asked first : prayer, of qourse, aside tort,
Till Lows went to figures with OOSCUE.N.
When they found that the outlay for all this provision,
To question the land, and the sea,
Would be no more than keeping my hull m commiwum.
With nothing to show fur 't, would be '.
Said LOWE, laughing. " To pay by result* is my plan ;
For result* here 'if be nothing to pay.
Let the Challenger go : and I'll ehalbof* tie Man,
Be it RrLAwns himself, who '11 gainaay ;
For he, like myself, though he '« not been to college,
And '• a shallowish sort of a snob,
Has, at bottom, I 'm sure, no objection to knowledge,
So long as it don't cost a bob.
And so I'm to sail on my grand omi«e of science,
And a prouder ship ne'er put to sea ;
In the good of my mission high souls have reliance,
Whatever the LOWE view may be.
Of the axiom that " nothing of nothing can oome,
I 'm the Challenger. How is it true ?
When 'tis clear to BOB LOWE, as a rule-of-three SUB,
Good for nothing 1 'm not, 'cause I do.
Exemplary Exploit.
SERGEAST BATES, Colour-Sergeant of the American Artillery, has
successfully accomplished the 7eat which he bet 1000 dollars he
would perform, of walking from the Scoteh Border to London w
the Stars and Stripes without baring his nig msulte
remains for some wise Englishman to attempt the WIT
achievement of marching from one end o! the I nite
other with the Union Jack.
246
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
14, 1872.
CHRISTMAS BILLS.
Little Wife. "I WISH, DEAR, YOU'D 'MUTINY' I"
The Major (horrified). " 'Sn — H, MY DEAREST LIZZIE I WHAT ABE YOU THINKING OF? GOOD HEAVENS! 'MUTINY' I AND I
THOUGHT YOU WEBB SO PROUD OF THE REGIMENT "
Little Wife. "WELL, THEN, I WISH WE WERE POLICEMEN OR POSTMEN; FOR WE COULD 'MUTINY' THEN, AND YOUK PAY WOULD
OF COURSE BE RAISED, AND THEN WE MIGHT MANAGE TO PAY THESE HORRID BlLLS ! "
A SONG ABOUT SHOOTING-STARS.
YE flaming meteors, which of late across the sky have shot,
Is your material solid, is it gaseous, or what P
Some say that ye are aerolites ; I think ye are not, all.
It is not when you mostly shoot that stones do chiefly fall.
I have a sort of theory, which I wish I could explain,
You somehow were connected with the late continual rain.
I have a kind of notion that you some relation bear
To the quantity of water which has floated in the air.
Methinks I have observed, myself, and others, top, heard say,
That washy weather commonly succeeds to the display
Of such celestial fireworks as your late nocturnal flight,
To simpletons a portent, and to sages a delight.
Some fancy BIELA'S Comet, which about this time is due,
Has seized with a convulsion been, and burst up into you.
It may be with a Comet's tail a brush that we have had,
And that is why so long it has rained cats and dogs like mad.
Barometer _might rise and fall, and wind might change and chop,
But the rain it still rained every day with gush, and splash, and slop,
And the muggy, misty atmosphere of such a sort did seem
As that which we experience in a wash-house full of steam.
'Tis like enough your Comets may but vapour be, or gas,
Through which, or part of it at least, this Earth may sometimes pass.
And we, who need vast distance to discern so thin a shape,
May, with but such a drenching as we just have had, escape.
Perhaps, since Comets fly with such velocity per day,
Some few weeks hence, and some few hundred million miles away,
tn its unmeasured orbit through unbounded space on sail,
We shall behold the Comet which has switched us with its tail.
DARWIN, NOT DOGBERRY.
MR. DARWIN, in his lately published work on The Expression of
the Emotions in Man and Animals, informs us that our male semi-
human progenitors "possessed great canine teeth," and that "men
are occasionally born having them of unusually large size, with
interspaces in the opposite jaw for their reception." We also learn
from the Genealogist of Man's Pedigree, that " if our ears had
remained movable, their movements would have been highly
expressive."
" Dost thou not suspect my ears ? " says, or was meant to say, the
sapient City Officer in Much Ado About Nothing. Nobody can
suspect the ears of an accomplished Naturalist, though he himself
appears to suspect those of his ancestors. Otherwise, we should
have suspected the ears of the philosopher from whose speculations
the foregoing extracts are quoted, of egregious longitude.
What Will She Do With It?
AT the Yorkshire Christmas Cattle Show a " silver-mounted claret
jug was taken by a cow." No one will grudge the cow this or any
other distinction which its merits and good conduct deserve, but it
is not easy to see what pleasure or benefit such an animal (strictly
teetotal in its habits) can derive from the possession of a claret jug.
Claret is not the usual beverage of cows, and even if it were, the
jugs which hold it are so constructed that it would be impossible
for those creatures to drink out of them; and the mere contemplation
of a claret jug, silver mountings and all, must be a matter of
indifference even to the most high-bred cows. Altogether, one
feels that a new wooden pail, filled with ordinary fresh water,
would have been a far more useful present.
A DEED OF DARKNESS.— The Gas Stokers' Strike.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— DICEMBRB 14, 1878.
. .
MY OLD FRIEND HOMER."
(" Every day must begin for me with my old friend HOMI-B— the friend of my youth, the friend of my middle jige and of my old ««e— from whom
I hope never to be parted so long as I hare any faculties, or «ny breath in my body.' — Sla. GLAMTomt, Dtc. 3, 1872.)
GKOST (rises). " But if a clamorout file plebeian rose.
Him with reproof he checked, or tamed teith biota,
' Be tHent, wretch, and think not here
That WOKST or Tmim, a VSURPISO CROWD.'
-THAT IS MR. POPE'S TRANSLATION OF A PASSAGE OF MINE. SIR. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT f "
DEOBMBEB 14, 1872.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
HOPE to meet ENULB-
MOKK at the Minerva
Club.
Arrive at Club.
Annoyed at finding
the steps thronged
by a crowd ot re-
spectable - looking
artisans. At least,
some appear to be
artisans in their
Sunday best, with a
variety of neat
things in hats, and
others present a sort
of groom -out- of -
place appearance,
specially about the
trousers, which are
clearly perquisites of
the past adapted to
straitened circum-
stances.
Happy Thought.
— Evidently some-
thing to do with the
Strikes. Perhaps a
Deputation to call
on one of the mem-
bers. If so. shall complain of it to the Committee as a nuisance.
In the hall, more of the deputation, without thuir hate. Tall and
healthy, tall and unhealthy, short and thin, short and fat — in fact,
all sorts and sixes, with a hungry, restless look about them, and an
indescribable awkwardness of hands and feet, M if the disappear-
ance of both would be an intense relief to them.
" Any letters P " I ask the Hall-Porter.
"One, Sir," he answers, and present* me with what I know at
once to be a trifle from ENGLKMOKE. He says :—
" Saw your advertisement. Good, Have pushed it about.
Wired country friends to lend up to ' X., Minerva Club.' Personal
interview saves trouble. Hatfuls of Gardeners. Pick and try.
Look here. Going to have Mister Housewarming. Theatricals.
Peter Playacting. Put you down for part. Larks. Got Major
Sideboard at last. Quite a G. B. for L. s. d. down. Took off
Daniel Discount ten. That 's good enough for your
" LlTTLJt EXULBXORB.
" P.S. Heard of Mister Pig just sent you. At least he won't suit
anybody else, so you might get him cheap. Wire ' Yes,' if pig or
not.
" P.P.S. Hope you'll like the Jolly Gardeners sent to order.
Love to ' X., Mtnerva.' "
At first I don't quite understand. Another second clears up the
difficulty. I must ask about answers to advertisement.
" Any letters addressed to ' X.' here ? "
The Hall-Porter draws a deep sigh. " 0," he says, " it's for you,
Sir, is it ? " Whereupon he produces a packet of about fifty, and
as he does so, I notice the simultaneous shuffling of the members of
the deputation in the hall. There is. a confused murmur which
sounds like " It 's him I " in a variety of undertones.
The Hall-Porter continues : " Yes, Sir, besides these here "
(meaning the letters), " there 's been all these men waitiu' for you
yesterday. Sir, and to-day."
What these for me f The deputation ! 1 I look round. They are
all bowing and scraping ; and the others outside, having guessed in-
stinctively the cause of the commotion, are now coming up the steps,
and entering the Club.
"There 'ave been complaints made by the members. Sir, last
night, and I was to hand you this from the Committee, Sir. (Here
he produces an official-looking document. It contains a warning—
a reproof— and necessitates an explanation.)
Other members coming in, pass ill-natured remarks. What am I
to do ? The men are all bending and smirking. A very tall one,
with a deep voice, " presumes that he is speaking to MK. \."
Huppy Thought.— Like STANLEY finding LIVINGSTONE. " Ma. X,
I presume ? "
I am obliged to admit that his presumption is correct. DR.
LIVINGSTONE restrained himself , and did not rush into MK. Sr\\-
LET'S arms. I, too, restrain myself. I don't at the instant exactly
see what to say. Hall- Porter looking on. Members in the distance
watching, with a view to reporting the whole proceeding to the
Committee.
" Yes," I say, " I am ' X.' Why ? "
Epigrammatic, but, on reconsideration, unbusiness-like. The
applicants smile-all except the gloomy Ull man (six f«*t two, and
1 won t have him, I Mttlt that at onoe), who, in answer to my ques-
tion why he hadn't written instead of coming in this manner, uy>
I thought as a personal happlication were better as »»Tin' time on
both parties which might be himporUnt to hall." The MOM id**
has occurred to all of them, for they all nod. an<l mure or IBM exprru
themselves like a chorus in an opera, with the long man and myself
• 1 vu h.mly left my present plaee, account of the family going
abroad and avmg no more use for a gard'ner." Chorus t\
don't believe in him a bit. The tall Gardener goes on again with
farther particulars. I am not listening to him, hut thinking how I
shall get rid of them all. I hear him saying, " I'm a married man.
and my wife oan cook or make herself otherwise useful in a house,"
and I am on the point of dismissing Urn to begin with, when the
oldest member of the Club enters the hall, and wishes to know what
all this disturbance is t
The Hall- Potter looks appealingly to me. I beg to offer an expla-
nation. The irascible old man won't he pacified. " It 's a mob
Sir ! " he says, and I feel that I agree with him. I show him how
the mistake arose en their part from the unfortunate wording of my
advertisement.
" 1 1 's too bad, Sir ; 'pon my word, it 's too bad," the old member
blurts out " And if this sort of thing 's allowed, we shan't he at..-
to keep an umbrella in the Club," whereupon he steams off through
a glass door, and puffs himself to the writing-room, where he allows
some of his heat to evaporate in a thundering letter to the Com-
mitt.c.
Happy Thought.— Tell the frozen-out Gardeners to meet me in
St. James's Park. On consideration, this might be taken for a
Republican Demonstration.
Hall- Porter asks, if I couldn't got some gentleman's owns to see
'em in?
Happy Thought.— Of course. EHOLBKOU'S 1 His oOTodginn.
Through the tail man, whom I treat as the spokesman, I request the
applicants to walk round to Duke Street. They reply through him
that they don't know where Duke Street is, and exhibit incredulity
as to my intention of ever seeing them again.
Happy Thought. — Direct Club Commissionniire to guide them.
Intrust him with half a sovereign to be divided among them in
liquor at the nearest tavern.
Extunt Omnes. Thank Heaven !
If EWGLEMORE sent most of these fellows up, or got his friends to
do so, I must have a row with him ; at all events, he shall have the
bem tit of them in his rooms, if possible.
It is possible. MRS. DUMPER, EXGLEMORE'!) landlady, knows me,
but though " MR. ENGLEMORB is giving up, yet she is doubtful
whether " In fact, she is hesitating, though she has not seen mv
crowd, who are still in the public-house, and I have only requested
I to be allowed the use of his sitting-room, just for half aa hear,
i merely to see some gardeners who hare called about my place. She
is not in the least interested, and demurs.
ILtppy Thought.— I say to MAS. DCMPBR, " I fancy that MK.
EJJ<; LEMORB'S rooms would suit me ; because I shan't lire in the
country altogether."
" Well, Sir," she says, seeing her way to a tenant, " you oan look
at 'em now, and if you like to use them for 'arf an 'our or so there
won't be any great 'arm done, I dessay."
I take my seat at ENGLEMORB'S table, after calling to the Commis-
sionnaire to bring the men up here. Quite Magisterial.
The gloomy man, who has been making himself gloomier than
ever with beer, I dismiss at once. He is so utterly taken by surprise
that he has nothing to say for himself ; and every one else's interests
being dead against him, nobody has anything to say for him, and so
there 's an end of him. He 's a weight off my mind. I 'm sorry he
hasn't obtained the situation, but he has encumbrances, and holds
such views on pigs, poultry, and a cow, as are utterly irreooncileable
with mine. <
Number Two.— It an unhealthy-looking person with weak VnftM.
He says he understands glass. 'Whatever else he doesn't understand,
one thing he sticks to, and that is— Glass. I tell him I haven't got
any glass, that I don't intend to have any glass, and that— to put it
forcibly— I hate glass. At this last blow he staggers from the room
and disappears. With him go three others who had come there
solely on the strength of their Knowledge of Glass.
dumber Three. — Muddy-faced, short man ; groomy style in
gaiters. His eyes seem inclined to blink. He bobs at me with hi*
front lock, and attempting to focus, his gaze on the top button of my
waistcoat, awaits my questioning.*
"What oan you do?"
Directly I have spoken, his eyes begin to wander. Perhaps he is
trying to recall all his accomplishments.
250
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1872.
CONTINGENT ADVANTAGES.
Emily. "WHAT HAS MADE YOU TAKE TO THOSE GREAT GLOVES, GERTRUDE? THEY MAKE YOUR HANDS LOOK GIGANTIC!"
Oertrude (engaged). " 0, MY EEAB, MY HAND is DISPOSED OF ; AND WHEN THAT 's THE CASE, ONE CAN GIVE UP APPEARANCES, AND
GO IN FOR COMFORT."
"Well, Sir," he presently answers, with rather a silly kind of
laugh, " a good deal depends on what you may want."
I admit that a good deal does depend on it. Referring to my
notes of what to ask applicants, I find briefly " to inquire (a) Can
he Pig ? (6) ditto Cow, (c) Ducks, (d) Poultry, (e) Farm ? " Also,
N.B. and special, " Can he Pony ? "
" Single-handed?" he asks, fixing his gaze on the button where
he had previously been so successful.
" I don't quite understand," I say.
His eye wanders, and he speaks very carefully, as if weighing
every word, and finding them all uncommonly heavy.
"My meaning is — as dp you — keep another man— or " here
vagueness seems to seize him suddenly, but he tries my top button
again, and finishes with—" or all this— for— one ? " Then he frowns.
" For one," I answer.
He won't let that top button out of his sight for an instant now.
" With— occashnal 'elp ? " he asks ; then adds, while allowing his
features to relaz into what he intends to be a persuasive smile,
"You'd have occashnal 'elp, I s'pose, Sir. Cos you see, Sir," he
goes on, his tone becoming almost pathetic, " a pig, a cow, a pony,
and what not besides, is more than one man's time singl'anded.
On deliberation, I concede a boy now and then. He shakes his
head over it. " Very sorry, but he don't think as it '11 do, and he
don't think as I '11 get anyone, who ain't not quite starving, for such
work as this."
He is suddenly changing his manner into one of impertinence.
It breaks upon me all at once — of drunken impertinence.
This decides me. He may withdraw. He fingers. He ought, he
says, to have his expenses for coming up on such a fool's errand. I
can't hear of such a thing.
" Can't hear ? " he suddenly exclaims, becoming quite violent and
offensive, " Who 's you, to send for poor 'ard-workin' men up 'ere,
trepannin' them up for nothing ? Darn you an' your pigs and your
cows ! Why, I 'd oe above offrin' a respekable man such a place as
yourn, and if there 's law in this land, I '11 "
Here a decent-lookin' woman rushes into the room, and seizes
him. "JOHN," she says, "you're spoilin' your chances; don't be
a fool." He looks sullenly at her, as if he 'd like.to argue this point.
But she continues to me: " He took something next door, being a
temperans gen' ally, as went against him, and he ain't quite hisself
just now."
Fortunately, she is able, with the assistance of a friend or two
outside, to get him away before he is less and less himself, as he is
every moment becoming, and so rapidly that who he '11 be when he
reaches the front door, and gets out into the cold air, it will be diffi-
cult to determine.
Examination continues.
A QUESTION TO BE ASKED.
(Apropos of a late Trial.)
WHEN a goose who is heir to a title and lands, wants to raise the
wind,
And promises sixty per cent, to the Jews — query, should not this
promise bind ?
To teach vicious geese of the same breed, who under Jews' claws
have smarted,
That young idiots who go that road and their money will soon be
parted.
On the whole, Punch would say, that as vultures who prey on
garbage keep down
The pestilent breath of way-side death that else would poison the
town,
So those who lend at sixty per cent, are Society's scavenger vultures,
Who keep down the plagues that in folly and vice of young spend-
thrifts find their cultures.
And as carrion-vultures, in the East, though_foul, protection have
got,
'Twere well if young gentlemen who fire at our vultures should be
made to pay their shot.
' HEAVY WET."— The Present Season.
DECEMBER 14, 1872.1
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
QUITE ANOTHER THING.
Paddy (the loser). " ABP.JIH, O'ALONO I I SATD I 'D LAY YOU FOIVB TO WAN,
r I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AOIN YOUR TATH'RIW LHTLK
BUT
SlXPMJCE !"
[Exeunt fighting
LINES BY A LOVKU.
WOULD you then know my CELIA'S charms f
She carries fug-dog* in her arms :
K'er dresses in the newwt tuU.
By lacing tight deforms her waut,
Bean onher head a brigand's hat,
Oay feathers flaunting high on that :
Her hair is only half her own,
The other half die whom hat (frown :
Her cheeks a dab of roam reveal,
'.oots three inches high of heel :
Her fingeri are bmUotod with ring*
Ai paltry as the song* the ungi :
Her Ulk U slang, the wtes mm alow
Unless a thing or two they know :
She loves champagne, detects oold mutton,
Knows barely how to til a button :
Will wager gloves in racing beta,
But, haying lost, to pay forgets :
In dancing she can twist and twirl
As deftly as a balUt-girl.
Yet ne'er has learned with grace to walk.
Bat struts with an audacious stalk.
She treat* her servant like a slave ;
She spends, bat ne'er has leaned to save :
Loves shopping, bonnet*, and baxaara ;
Can skate, rid*, row, and smoke cigars: *
Beads trashy novels by the score,
Bat votes all better books a bore :
Will dirt with whomsoe'er she can—
O, am not I a happy nun !
Defamation of Character.
IT is a long time since the Chaldean moaanh, noticed
by MR. G «o ROE Surra in hi* admirable paper on a
remarkable Cuneiform Inscription, lived, bat for all that
due respect ought to be paid to his memory. We were
aorry. therefore, to read in the newspaper a statement
for which there does not appear to be the slightest founda-
tion, that IZDUBAK " in his search for immorality had
learnt the legend of the Deluge from SMTT." We hope
MR. SMITH, or SIB Hzsar KAWLIHSOX, or some other
friend of Kwo IZDUBAK, will at once give so injurious
an imputation the fullest contradiction.
PEOPLE YOU OBJECT TO MEET.
MR. WHUTER, who never sees you without saying how very fat
you 've grown, or how very pale you look.
MK. HUMDRUM, who, when in society, confines his conversation to
the changes of the weather and the rising price of coals.
LADY DAWDDLER, who, if you meet her in the Park, is pretty sure
to ask you to carry her fat lap-dog for her.
MR. QUAVER, who raVes about the music of the future, and never
says a word of sense about the music of the present
CAPTAIN BLUSTERHAM, who bellows out your name when he meets
you in the street, and shakes you by the hand till he nearly wrings
your fingers off.
MR. WHEEZEB, who fancies that he is an invalio\ and explains to
you the symptoms of his latest ailment.
MR. HAHDUPPE, who, upon the strength of old school fellowship,
will never miss a chance of borrowing half a sov. of you.
MR. BORER, who even now discusses the merits of the Tichborne
1^0
M'ES?BS. SAWBONES and PILOABLIC, who, when they happen to
meet at dinner, invariably talk shop together, and take away your
^ffit! JEREMIAH DOLDBUMS, who thinks he has a grievance against
one of your best friends, and takes you by the button-hole in order
to explain it.
BARON MTTN-CHAUSEX, Junior, who once was captured by t
brigands, and every time he sees you embellishes the incident.
MR. and MBS. CADGER, who, if you invite them for a day or two,
always come provided with luggage for a fortnight.
Gentlemen at Large.
Jim. Bin, I say, show us the Skeleton in your Cupboard.
Sill. I ain't a got no skellinton in ne'er a cupboard, but (tnilt-
cating /its waistcoat-pocket tn'th his thumb), 'ere 's a bunch of skel-
linton-keys !
A STROKE AT A STRIKE.
THERE are some things men may strike at, and some things that
At the risk of stifling all question, if they are in the right or they
One of 'those things is the bull's-eye that light* the Policeman's beat
And another's the gas-lamp that illumes dwelling and shop and
street.
We can't have the springs of order and light, of a sudden, the bran
Wherewith to screw up wages, or adjust troubles of trade.
And any Union that tries this on Disunion will bring abou
Betwixt the public that suffers, and the workmen that turn out.
The Stokers on strike the MaruOlaite may nng in Trafalgar 8<jnare.
But till they make a better case for their sudden and strange
They 'UUfind^o!lks disposed to treat their tall talk as gas of my bad
And to retort' on their prayer for support with cold-shouldered in
hospitality.
If there 's tyranny in masters, there's tyranny in men;
We 've learnt the lesson before, and now •sem like to learn
But of all the strikes, ill-stricken, that ever 7>«m-AM |ee,
This strike of the Stokers seen* the worst, on all aooonnta, to
Better Conduct.
IT is a long lane that has no turning. The most hardened offender
may reform Wonders will never cease. Somebody is not so Mack
as he is depicted. Strikes may come to an end, ooaJs andn
become reasonable in price, the rain .ML^°j\*\* °£,™
grow polite, next May may be warm- for November ni
gone without a fog !
252
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 14, 1872.
CATTLE-SHOW CRITICS.
Patron (Proprietor of Prize Animal). " YES — IT'S LIKE OLD BEN ; BUT THAT'S NOT MY IDEA OF THE PICTEB. WE'D HAVE LIKED
THE PKIZE CUP IN THE FoREGKt7»'. WOULDN'T WE, MY LOVE ? "
' My Love.' " YES, DEAB. ADD WE THOUGHT os OUR Bovss IN THE BACK-GROUND, DIDN'T WE, LUCY DARLING?"
' Lucy Darling.' " YES, 'MA DEAR ; AND THE PRETTY RIBBON WITH THE DBAP. LITTLE TICKET BOUND HIS NBCK " [Poor Smudge t
A BIETHDAY IN DECEMBER.
MDCCXCV.
YE Ministers of all denominations,
Including you, my Masters, named of State,
Whose chief end, in discourses and orations,
Is truth, the thing that is, to inculcate ;
All you, besides, who Cant hold in aversion,
Evasions hate, and platitudes contemn,
And vote that stern and resolute coercion
The rising tide of Anarchy should stem :
Ye who do phantasms, quacks, and shams detest,
And humbug execrate in all its shapes,
Drink we to him who hath essayed his best
Mud Pythons all to squelch, and Dead Sea Apes.
Philosopher, Historian, Joker see,
Who doth, his living peer ? Unto the brim
Fill, and, for choice, the stoup with barley-bree,
For Caledonia did engender him :
True THOMAS, though no Rhymer, Chelsea's Sage,
The fourth of this month was his natal day.
Many returns thereof augment his age.
THOMAS CABLYLE! His good health. Pros' t.
Hooray !
His Likeness.
THE many readers of Middlemarch — unfortunately this is not the
time for taking the periodical census, or some information might
have been obtained as to their total number — may be glad to be told
that there is now to be seen, at the Kensington Museum, a miniature
portrait of CASAUBON.
PUNCH'S POCKET-BOOK.
WE have been favoured with an early copy of this extraordinary
work, and we do not feel that we have received any favour at all,
though doubtless the gift was prompted by the best intentions. An
examination of the work has entirely disturbed our system, and
caused us to neglect our daily duties. When we state that the
volume is adorned with a superb plate called " Science in her Silver
Slippers," by the indomitable KEENE, with a series of miniature car-
toons, by the inexpugnable TENNIEL, with a mass of comic inspirations
by the inextinguishable SAMBOTJBNE, and with a wealth of fairy-like
gems of initials by other accomplished parties, we shall be thought
to have said enough. But we do not, ourselves, share in the thought,
and when we proceed to mention that there is a mass of literature
composed of the choicest specimens of graceful yet mordant satire,
of lyrics in which the playful maintains successful grapple with the
ferocious, of a Very Last Idyll which must have been written by
the Poet-Laureate, or by some one else, of a Court novel which will
excite, it may be, no small indignation, and of a perfect Instructor in
all foreign languages, which will enable the feeblest linguist to
talk like a GOETHE or a LAMABTINE, we find that we have only half
exhausted the catalogue of artistic and literary treasures to be
found under the brilliantly coloured binding of this most exquisite
of all Christmas books. But that we hate puffing, and rather prefer
to understate the merits of a work than to bestow on it the slightest
exaggerated praise, we could say much more, but though he who
dares more than may become a man is none, he who doth not lay his
hand upon this book in the way of kindness, and give it to every
woman he knows, is a wretch whom it were base flattery to call an
awful idiot.
CAT7TION TO JOURNALISTS.
To call a spade a spade may or may not be libellous ; but it is
a libel to call the Knave of Spades a knave. A British Judge would
no doubt also rule that it was libellous to call a Rake a Rake.
DECEMBER 21, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Ml
ihutcf) at iLundj.
the franchise, he uwd a iolly sort of illustration. !!••
uid that " it was idle to degrade the vote. Any Work-
ing Man could have- onu for the \iricv of one nnndred
and twenty pots of beer." If the beer were good, I
w.niMn't lime one pot for a vote, leastways in . metro-
liorougb.
IT honours our rl.-riry more than I do, hut SOBM
.lily. l.a.t wi-«-k the Uitunl:-1.
took aweet eonnsel together as they
r ,m the Oxfocil
soundly U-aten. Then
ii, who was
: the oiker Ivan
ilvii
•i>> voting pli
"i \\ i - ; *• ' \ - 1 M ' - \ '
I am happy to say that U
! a very worthy clergyman,
' also appointed to j;r.H. h, wrii«»
to do so. Now, it he believed
would tetrh incorrect doeti
Vjn
As & thir
an wrote, or thereawMtai tuoohiiifF a '
And () how th« | rudotUi iti»»l» »nd f**e—
For the good Norwich l>r«« tocka hit gown tar ttr*\,t '. "
on K, Siafers, now your Brothers are home from the public
schools, try those youths with a bit of dictation. This has
been sent me by a young lady of Connecticut, who says that
a prize was offered at the Teachers' Institute there to any one who could spell
the whole correctly. "It is an agreeable sight to witness the unparalleled
embarrassment of a harassed pedlar gauging the symmetry of a peeled potatoe,
which a sibyl has stabbed with a poniard regardless of the innuendo, ol tne
lilies of Carnelian.hue."
The good LORD ROMILLY resigns the Rolls. Instantlyfavour me with two
quotations in which his name occurs. "Well P One is in WORDSWORTH s poem,
What is good for a bootless bene f And the other 'f BTRON s—
"I'd preach on that till WILBIRFOKCR and ROMILLY
Should quote in their next speeches from my homily."
Good, Tobias. And whence comes the name ? Perhaps from Romilly, in
Savoy. Good again— catch that merrythought.
In DRYDEN'S very wickedest comedy occurs this:— "You may call him a
fool, Gentlemen, but it is well known he is a Critick." JOHN could plant a nit.
Melancholy of the Minor key. " I deny your minor," tuFalitaff mig . .
said, had SHAKSPBAKE pleased. My Major key is that wherewith I open my
cellar-door. My Minor key is that 1 use when compelled to take out my
cheque-book. Now, which suggests melancholy ?
From whom does MONTAIGNB quote Jaetantius mcerent qua; minus dolent f
Needless, now that every lady knows Latin, to »ay that it means—
" They blub the most who 're wopped the least."
Another row, I see, brought about by dogs. But i* the old days, when two
dogs quarrelled and fought, their masters did the fffst on the spot, and the
second next morning. In this late case, only, one of the parties produced a
pistol, and he had to go home for it. The Magistrates disapproved ot thii . one-
sided duel. But the juvenes qui gaudent canibus are always in trouble, 2o6y.
Don't sulk. Am I a.jttvenis f _
DR. GUMMING prophesied that 1860 "would be the beginning ofseene. that
to Christian people would be most Peasant." It was not a very good shot. In
London we had the riots in the Church of St. George's-in-the-East ; m
country there was the great fight between TOM SAYBHS and HEEKAN; France
stole Savoy and Nice; the Haronite Christians were h°™HT,mf«a^?y
Druses; and South Carolina seceded,-thns "beginning" the greatest
war ever known."
WHEN it was proposed to refuse to the BISHOP OF NATAL the ««rte*ies
of the Athenwum (Slut, the late SIB JOHN Bowanra was 7^ fftgnant
asked one of the orthodox Bishops, who urged the ***^^™®?£
"what he meant by bringing his theological prejudices into a «
gentlemen ? " .
MiMlemarck is the event of the year, there canoe no two word, about that.
When my friend, BOB LOWE, in that famous speech, opposed the lowering of
" Why do j/nii >-ill thr man Kin Roan TicHMurir"'
»t«rnly demanded V;
Hench. " He calls himself - . have nev< r
called him a baronet, so my head i« safe ; but
not some law making it high treason to confer
not proved to be derived from the Qvm's Majesty-
Gracious I suppose MR. Wn.ir.Lir should have his head
out off! As the Scotchwoman mid. aft. r somebody's
execution, " It might not be much of a head, but it was
the only one he had, poor man '. "
What a tremendous crowd came to see the fat cattle
this year I I doubt whether half the people saw any
four-legged beast. I did not go, being in mourning for
the late Qcrrair Axirz, and not earing
To bear about the Mockery of woe
To midnight dance* and the Cattle-Show,
as dear THOMAS HOOD put it. But I would have gone if
the spectacle had terminated with the solemn Hogging
of six fat footmen who had refused to eat Australian
meat. [He did go. FiVfe picture, later. T.]
A Correspondent wrote to me, the other day, to ask
whether, if the lady yon take down -to dinner prove*
sulky or stupid, it is a breach of etiquette to drop her
altogether, and talk to the one on the other side of yon.
1 fear that my answer was a little Jesuitical. I wrote
that no Lady, with a large L, was ever sulky or stupid,
and that no particular ceremony was usual with a Person
who is not a lady.
But, to speak teriatim (a* a Vestryman would *ay),
you have no right to assume that because a Lady doe* not
talk to yon she is either stupid or sulky. The chance*
are that you open with effete nonsense, and she take*
your measure. You should begin with something
pleasantly startling. If »h* is single, ask her why she
isn't married ; andif she is, ask her whom she mean, to
marry when her present husband die*. Be original.
I declare that I alway* learn something from oonvem-
tion with any woman. But then 1 an so umble :
" Knowledge in proud that he Ml learned so much.
Wiidom a umble that he know* no more."
Now, mort Men are stupid. They know their trad**,
more or less. Bnt for anything else where would they be
but for the leading article, f
If Ladies read thoccartioles, and could hearUjeir .Lord,
reproduce them, mneh injured and blundered, , in U
talk after dinner, the former would have a .*}*««•
tempt for ou» intellect* than now. Which thin.; i*
needW ^ _
In the Churcn of St. Andrew^olborn, « a monu
ment, dated 1603, with an inteription beginni
" My Turtle gtnw, all joy Is r>«e from m«."
I showed this to an Alderman one day, and he said
that some of our ancestors had vwy proper
VOL. LTJH.
CO
254
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1872.
A BIG FISH.
Artful Damsel (who has iiiade a successful throw). " 0, LOUD FJSUBIGOIN, HOW-
EVER SHALL I MANAGE "
Lord Feubiggin (caught, too). " PBAY LET MB SHOW YOU ! ALL DEPENDS ON
HOW YOU PLAY YOUB FISH I "
[ We betray confidence for once. This Picture comes from a Letter sent by a
newly-married Lady (now of title), to a particular Friend of hers, and is
called a "Reminiscence of Scotland.'' Perhaps our Headers can guess at
the Story — we cannot.]
PLACETS AND NON-PLACETS.
In Re DEAN STANLEY at Oxford.
THAT Oxford still should bring forth broods
Of the old Obscurantist strain,
The scarlet of whose Doctors' hoods
Is of the Babylonian grain, —
Who hold that light but serves to blind ;
And reason but to lead astray,
And deem it cruel to be kind
To those who walk a wider way
Than the strait road, high dogma-railed,
Along whose marge, u they were able,
They 'd string np heresies, impaled
Like vermin on a Keeper's gable—
That of all plans, on which impacted,
Truth 's light is variously refracted,
This should be still an Oxford facet,
And such a large one too,— NON-PLA.OBT !
That, braving shook and counter-shock,
Oxford has trained a growing band,
Who hold that Truth is based on rock,
And Orthodoxy but on sand —
Believe that Churchmanship, though broad,
Sincere and strong and sound can be,
That who live Christian life unflawed,
Are like most Christian light to see —
That to love others, not to judge,
Is the true Christian's truest part,
Freely of light to give, not grudge,
What most draws Christian heart to heart :
That he whose life, books, sermons still,
Have shown this faith in work, word, will,
St. Mary's pulpit mounts, to grace it
With the Broad Church's Colours— PLACBT >
That Charity lukewarm or worse
To BITBGON and his kin should seem, —
Faith without flavour of a curse
To GOULBUHN but a hazy dream : —
That a Church without power to ban,
No counter-power to bless can own ;
Nor Christ's seed sprout in soul of man,
Unless gall-watered when 'tis sown. —
That what most worthy love appears
To simple folks, these guides eschew ;
What most sets Christians by the ears,
That most they and their Church pursuej-
That, while the Sermon on the Mount
Stands as Christ's word of chief account,
The hands that seem the first to efface it,
Should be styled Orthodox, NON-PLACET /
But that the Broad Church should have laid
Its basement walls so deep and wide,
That to her, ev'n in Oxford, aid
In stress of need is quick supplied —
That, when the bigot's blast is blown,
Even though " STANLEY 1 " is the cry,
And Heresy's red cross has flown
Through cleric England, hot and high,
They who put trust in truth o'erpower
Those whom the name of truth appals,
Till Obscurantism's soldiers cower,
Beaten, in Convocation's halls —
That here, in BTTEGON'S, GOTOBUBN'S, spite,
The tide of battle should flow right, —
That e'en here, Bigotry's " hic-jacet"
Should be writ, and in large text, PLACET?
That still on Earth the rising tide
Of light and knowledge, in its sway,
With all the ills it sweeps aside,
Should wash some germs of good away —
That blind belief in chiefs and creeds,
And child-like faith devout, dim-eyed,
Which oft have served poor souls in needs
Where Science had been vain to guide —
Thoueh, if on faith, not dogmas, fixed,
Sufficient simple minds to rule, —
Must take the light with darkness mixed
That serves to illumine Reason's school, —
That ill and good should thus be blent,
May cause hot spirits discontent,
But while in all around we trace it,
Rebellion 'twere to cry " NON.PLACST!"
But that this flood of love and light
Is ever rising and to rise,
That strength to bear its billows bright
Still grows in weakling human eyes —
Till souls which, bat-like, loved the dark,
Begin, at length, the light to love,
Nor longer dread the dawn to mark, I
But own it, also, from above —
That e'en on Oxford's stubborn rock
No more they claim to rear a hold,
For captive Reason under lock
Of Grey Authority may sleep controlled—
That the one son of Mother Church
Who has left Oxford most i' the lurch,
Defeating Oxford's wrath, should chase it
Beaten and baffled, VALDS PLACET t
Bravery and Beauty.
THE Officers and Men who were engaged in the
Looshai Expedition are, it has been announced, to receive
the India Medal of 1854, with a clasp for Looshai.
None but the brave deserve the fair. Clasp is equivalent
to Buckle. If that clasp which those gallant fellows
have especially merited could be conferred upon them,
that would be something.
AN Expensive Wife makes a Pensive Husband.
DECEMBER 21, 1872.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
25.0
DIM IDEA
Or THE IMPRESSION LEFT ON ova MIND AFTIB HALT-AN-HOUK'H PUSHING AND CRUSHING AT THE CATTLE-SHOW t
MISS PEACE TO MR. PUNCH ON THE ATHANASIAN
CREED.
Ma. PUNCH,
SOME years since I was staying in a large Country-House in
Ireland, and I was informed by my nost that the household, in-
cluding visitors and their servants, numbered over sixty souls. _ On
the Sunday morning, carriages and cars and a large family omnibus
conveyed the whole party to church, and it was like going to the
Derby without the lunch. When we reached the end of our journey,
we found there were two churches standing at opposite corners of a
pretty churchyard, which was common to both. One was a Pro-
testant, the other a Roman Catholic church. The party divided,
some going to the former, some to the latter. _When the services
were over, we were all conveyed back, Catholics and Protestants
entering the carriages indiscriminately, and sitting side by side.
I took the liberty of expressing my admiration of the harmonious
feeling which appeared to exist between Christians of different per-
suasions, and my host explained the cause of it to me in a few
words. He said, " I never allow politics or religion to be made a
cause of contention at my table."
Now, Mr. Punch, reasoning by analogy, could not this " Athana-
sian Creed difficulty " be bridged over, if the example which was set
by my friend the Irish country gentleman was followed jn the English
Church ? Some very sensible gentleman suggested, in a letter to
the Times some few weeks since, the following remedy. Let those
who wish to adopt this Creed meet together ten minutes before, or
ten minutes after, the regular servieest and satisfy their consciences
by saying or singing it. It would avoid a scene which we have at a
churcn I know of, at stated intervals when the Athanasian Creed is
read. At the commencement of the Creed, my friend MB. HALL
EXETER, a very good and charitable gentleman, sits down, folds his
arms, and scowls round the church. On the contrary, my friend
MB. ST. ANTONIO, another very good and charitable gentleman,
pours it out ore rotunda in a tone of triumph, as much as to say,
" Ah ! old HALL EXETKE, yon can't shut me up ! " Your humble
servant stands up, and consumes the time by reading the CHAHLKS
THE MABTYB or Wuy Fawkes services— both political services, which
have been stamped out by common sense ; and taking stock of the
rest of the congregation, I observe that the majority look bored.
Now, HALL EXKTKR and ST. ANTONIO and I are all good friends and
neighbours, and nothing but this special Creed stirs up strife ; and.
what is worse, it stirs it up in church. Sorely, HALL EXKTIR and
ST. ANTONIO can accommodate one another in manner proposed by
the Times Correspondent; and, even assuming that some of the
Church of England people who nail this Creed to their masts, and
"No Surrender!" carry out their threat of secession unlew the
Creed is dinned into the ears of all the English Church whether they
like it or not, let them carry their threat put and go, and we shall
simply lose those who would turn out my sister Charity as well M
Your loving Friend,
^^^__^ PIACI.
RIGHTS AND LEFTS.
" HEAVXN defend the right I " said Chivalry, and the Right, it is
said, has triumphed in France. Has this fact anything to do with
that sentiment f Perhaps we shall see ; but at present it is not
quite clear that Right and Left, in French politic*, are equivalent
to right and wrong. It may be thought time that Right and Left
should, as names of parties, supersede Liberal and Conservative in
the British Parliament. Conservatives can only be so called, by a
figure of speech, on account of the sacrifice* they have made to De-
mocracy ; and Liberals, in like manner, on the other hand, from
being the authors of sumptuary, Sabbatarian, and paternal measures,
which are infringements of liberty. M. THICKS has made M . OOULAKO
his Minister of the Interior. M. OOTTLAM is said to be. politically,
a Right-minded man. Placed in a position of great influence over
Prefects, Sub-Prefecto, and country Mayors, M. GOTLABD will, it is
to be hoped, so aoguit himself as to give buffoons cause to say that
inflammation has been allayed by OOITLABD'S Lotion.
ADVICK TO BACHELOBS.— Never marry a Honey Girl. She will b«
a Nagging Wife.
256
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1872.
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
^ — <f XAMINATION f or place of
Gardener > finished. I
fix on one man. He
has no objection to any-
thing. Pigs he 's at
home with, he says,
and Cows are rather a
pleasure to him than a
trouble. Flowers he
understands as well, he
tells me, as he does fruit
and vegetables. Stable-
work and Pony are a
mere joke to this handy
person, on his own show-
ing. Evidently the very
man for me. Before
settling finally, he looks
up with a chirrupy sort
of a smile, — he is a
fair - haired man, by
the way, with a fresh,
countrified looking face,
reminding me, on the
whole, of the descrip-
tion, in the old song, of
the Flaxen - headed
Ploughboy.
Sappy Thought.— The Flaxen-headed Ploughboy
Comes whistling o'er the Lea ;
/ To those who don t like whistling
A nuisance he must be.
However, he looks up with this particularly chirrupy sort of smile,
and says : —
" If you wanted a married person, Sir,- —
"You 're not married, though ? " I ask.
" No, Sir ; but if it so chanced as you did want a married man, I
could come married."
I never knew a servant so accommodating. I really feel that it
won't do to presume upon this willingness to too great an extent. I
reply, therefore, that I should prefer him single, not having any-
thing for a wife to do; unless, perhaps, my Aunt, when she arrives,
could find her some employment.
He touches his hat, and observes respectfully, —
" As you please, Sir ; it 's all one to me. My object is to make all
things comfortable for all parties, and give satisfaction."
Happy Thought. — Ask for his character.
He will give me the address of his last place, and, if I will have
the goodness to write to the DUKE OF SHETLAND, I shall find that
His Grace will be able to speak of him in terms which, he trusts,
will corroborate bis own account ; and, should this not be sufficient,
an application to His Serene Highness THE MIKADO will establish
his claims to being a first-rate professional Gardener in all sorts of
fancy lines.
At first it strikes me that he is joking. This is so improbable,
and he is so serious withal, and so pleasant and cheerful about it,
that in an off-hand manner, as if correspondence with Mikados and
Dukes was among my daily routine of letter- writing, I signify that,
if I find after a month's trial he should suit me, I would then write
to his former employers for testimonials.
Sappy Thought. — In order to avoid mistakes, I ask him, as he is
withdrawing, whether he really means the MIKADO, or has made a
mistake in the name ?
He draws himself up with some dignity, and replies, " I am not
likely, Sir, to have made any mistake. The MIKADO has done more
for me than any other nobleman or gentleman living, and 1 am
bound to say, Sir — " (here he is absolutely becoming affected
almost to tears)—" I am bound to say, Sir, that, but for him and
the DUKE OF SHETLAND, who gave me the first cuttings of the Sor-
tensis flnreatus, I should never have known an hour's happiness."
He does not appear at all inclined to stop at this point, but has
evidently much more to say, which I nip in the bud.
Sappy Thought.— Gardening simile appropriate. That this should
occur to me is a cheering sign, as it shows that my mind is gradually
being given to the subject. Can't do anything with any subject, no
matter how trifling, unless you give your mind to it.
I nip him in the bud, and he bows himself out. I fancy I hear
him sobbing on the stairs. If so, he must be as tender as one of his
own young plants. Odd about the MIKADO ! Perhaps he got into
his service on purpose to learn something about Japanese Gardening ;
and that is what he has been alluding to as fancy-work. Now to
other business.
Mem. — Aunt returns from Aix day after to-morrow, thoroughly
galvanised.
Mem. — Little Uncles, JACK and GILL, from the sea-side with
Nurse.
Mem. — The Nook, Nookside, sufficiently furnished for habitation.
Mem. — GTJTCH'S men at work on Nook ground.
Mem. — Cow, Pig, Pony, still unbought. Do it all in a lump.
Queer sort of lump— a Cow, a Pig, and a Pony.
Write to ENGLEMORE. Inform him of my having settled with
Gardener. Tell him that, " under the circs," I haven't time for
theatricals, or would be very happy to join him in his house-
warming, and will he at once introduce me to the Gardening and
Farming Stockbroker whom he mentioned ?
Letter sent by hand.
Sappy Thought. — While waiting for answer, go to bookseller's
and buy Shilling Manuals on farms, flowers, &o. : The Little Flower
Gardener, Every Man his Own Seedsman, Hints for Horticul-
turists, The Little Poultrywoman's Guide, also The Economical
Vegetable Book.
Happy Thought. — " The Economical." Hope this '11 keep the
MIKADO'S young man in check.
Anecdotes of the Rat. — Perhaps hardly necessary — and yet, in an
old place— not in the house, of course (for if they are in, I 'm out,
that's all), but in the stable there might be rats.
Gossips on Gooseberries, including a treatise on fruit-growing
generally and the cultivation of the Grape. I must have a work on
Pigs.
Happy Thought. — Write one (after experience) myself. Title,
Kill and Cure: being a Scientific Treatise on Pigs. A Baconian
Essay.
I hit upon one work then which I decide to buy, before all others :
The Bee, its Habits, $c.
Sappy Thought. — This is a brilliant idea. It strikes me as
ENGLEMOBE, by way of answering my letter, comes himself in a cab.
I say, impetuously, to him, " Look here. I 've settled what I '11 do.
I '11 keep Bees."
" First-rate thing— Mr. Bee," is his reply. " Put him under little
Harry Hive, and then run away as hard as you can."
" I shall buy a book on the subject."
" That's it, he returns, at once quite taking the idea, .*.* in nis
own way. " Book for Bee, B for Book. The Bee, and fo.c to avoid
Him, I know. Once get accustomed to them and they mean £ s. d.
Getting accustomed to 'em is rather a bore tho'," he goes on, as if he
knew something about it ; " because you have to live with your head
in a bag for a week and your hands in mufflers, something between
the diver at the Polytechnic and a prize-fighter with boxing-gloves ;
because when they don't know you Mister Bee will sting Colonel
Stranger all over. The Honey 's good enough for your little ENOLE-
MOBE, without Mister Bee."
This rather discourages me. Now about his Gardening Stock-
broker. Can I see him, and get some hints ?
"All right, Colonel," he replies. " He's gone home, and you're
to come. Pack up Captain Carpet-bag and little Tommy Tooth-
brush, that 's all.''
I see, we 're to stay the night, eh ? ENGLEMOBE winks slyly, and
answers, "All among the barley. Twenty miles away. Train
down. Daniel Dinner, Peter Port. If you 're waking call me early,
Mother dear, without a headache. Major Ozone on the premises.
I accept, make ready and am off, with him.
Sappy Thought (still in the Gardening vein}. — I 'm going to be
"bedded out."
WORDS AND THEIR WORTH.
TOUCHING the Committee of the Convocation of Canterbury ap-
pointed to consider and report upon the best way of dealing with
the Athanasian Creed, we read in a newspaper that : —
"It has been agreed by a majority of over two to one to recommend that
an explanatory Rubric shall be appended to the Creed, in order to remove the
objections which the damnatory clauses now excite."
What explanation the explanatory Rubric is to offer, our contem-
porary does not say. There is one which, since it can raise no con-
troversy, may be suggested here. The proposed Rubric respecting,
let us say, the minatory clauses, might simply announce that they
do not concern any persons who cannot either believe or disbelieve
the Athanasian Creed because they do not understand it. Perhaps,
if their Reverences would all put themselves through a metaphysical
self-examination, that salvo would be found to be necessary for even
the most orthodox of them, not excepting DB. PUSET himself, if
Puseyism can be regarded as orthodoxy. What is the worth of mere
words, — eh, BISHOP WOKDSWOKTH F
THE CONCHOLOGIST'S PABADISE.— The Seychelles.
PEQMCMB 21, 1878.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
187
ALL ROUND THE WORLD.
ccn curiosity appears to be
felt as to the exact route
which the vessel, that hag
just left our shores on a
long voyage of scientific
discovery, will take be-
tween this date and the
year 187t> or '7, when the
Royal Society, and the
Geographical Society, and
Society in general, look for-
ward to the pleasure of
welcoming back the gallant
band of sailors and savans
who are now oomrm
their circumnavigation ot
the globe, with abund-
ance of energy, enterprise,
knowledge, spirits of wine,
and the best of .
for their i , suc-
cess, and safe n ••
A large turn of money
is annually spent in this
country on education, and
it would bo most unjust
to accuse us of neglect of the topography of Ancient Home, or in-
difference to the geography of the Peloponnesus ; but, for all that,
the phrase " round the world " does not seem to convey to their
minds such an accurate notion of its exact import as the country-
men and countrywomen of ANSON, COOK, and CRUSOE, ought to
be imbued with. To remedy this defect is our present laudable
object.
Leaving the exploration of the seas that wash the coasts of
Sweden, Switzerland, and some other European countries, for a
i'"* • ision, the Challenger will, after quitting the Channel and
jr a short time in the Atlantic, German, and one or two
more '01 ' ie better known Oceans, shape its course direct for the
Antarctic ''"ea. Touching at the Orkneys, to sound the inhabitants
as to the respective chances of SIR PETER TAIT and MR. LAINO at
the forthcoming election ; at the Canaries, for the information of
the ornithologists of the party, the whole of which, it is hoped, will
obtain a bird's-eye view of those interesting islands ; at Madeira,
for the benefit of the dinner-table, and at St. Michael's for an ac-
ceptable addition to the dessert-table ; at St. Helena, on account
of its historical associations ; at Norfolk Island, to deposit the
Norwich newspapers ; and at Juan Fernandez, to ascertain from
the oldest inhabitants whether they preserve any reminiscences of
MESSRS. ST.I.KI UK and CRUSOE, the vessel, all the crew thinking
tenderly of Burton-on-Trent as they pass through Bass's Strait,
will keep well on its way till it reaches Australia and the adjacent
islands of New Zealand, New South Wales, and Van Diemen's
Land.
In Australia, or the neighbourhood, the Challenger will remain
for some time, in order to take on board a supply of tinned meats
and kangaroo soup, and to explore the mountains which are believed
to project from the bottom of the Antipodean Sea.
The Coral Sea will be the next attraction, and the friends and
relatives of all on board may confidently look for handsome presents
of bracelets, brooches, necklets, studs, and sleeve-links, in the
beautiful material, to which the jewellers and lapidaries residing in
those latitudes and longitudes know so well how to give artistic
designs and elegant shapes.
Calling at Japan to renew the stock of tea-trays, at Cochin China
to replenish the poultry- coops, and at Jamaica for some of its very
best preserved ginger, and paying particular attention 1o the Gulf
of Carpentaria, out of respect for the distinguished President of the
British Association, the Challenger will by this time be thinking of
turning her wheel homewards; and, with that end in^view, will
commence a thorough investigation of the Fauna and flora of the
various Pacific Oceans, of the Gulf Stream and its influence on the
weather and conversation, and — in order to settle the long-standing
controversy as to whether it is dangerous or not — of the Bight of
Benin.
Having mixed in the best Arctic Circles, having taken care that
not one iota of the Delta escape the most microscopic survey, having
dredged the Spanish Main from end to end for galleons, doubloons,
and other " Treasures of the Deep," having touched at Africa, Aden,
the "still-vex'd Bermoothes" (celebrated by SUAKSTKAKK., and for
their arrow-root), the Cape for a reinforcement of warm clothing,
Malta, Gibraltar, and some other places, the Challenger will accom-
plish its voyage round the world by bringing back its machines and
instruments to Sheerness, where its arrival will be telegraphed to
the latest editions of the evening papers, and signalised by the
inee on board of the Local Authorities t<> present thoM
congratulations, in which the whole country will heartilr and
unanimously join.
We have now endeavoured to trace the career of the rood ilio-it
may be with one or two trilling inaccuracies in detail, for which our
excuse must be the absence of the latest edition of K»nn
BIOS a Atlai— and, in conclusion, wish to say something r«-speoting
the sanguine hopes entertained by the Royal Society, the Xoolorical
Society, the Admiralty, the Press, and other learned and scii-ntific
bodies, that not the least important resultsof the Expedition mar b?
the acquisition of a Sea Serpent and the capture of a lire Mrrmaid.
It is understood that the authorities at the Xoolofioal Gardens
have agreed to give a sum for the possession of these interesting
and long-sought creatures which would enable th. :.»• o»
i UK I'AcnKQDKK to announce a surplus in his next ann;.
and if, unfortunately, it should prove impracticable to bring tarn
home alive, through insuperable obstacles of transport, diet, chance
of life, &c., that the British Museum, the College of Burgeons, and
nth. r public institutions too numerous to particularise, are prepared
to pay so liberally for their stuffed remains, that the entire expenses
of the voyage would be met over and over again.
CO-OPERATIOK r. CD
Gractrt.— The Government cannot possibly attempt to protect
you from Competition by suppressing the Civil Serrioe Co-operative
Stores. They are Free-Traders ; and if they were so much as to
dream of such a retrograde step, they would have the spirit of UK.
COBDEK rapping at their bedposts, and be kicked out of office besides.
Those stores, Gentlemen, have sprung out of a fiscal system especially
designed, by liberating commerce, to benefit shopkeepers. Ciru
Servants are in the receipt of stated incomes known to Government.
They cannot evade the Income-tax by false returns. Some other
people can. Thus these people profit by a form of taxation which
they also shirk. Civil Servant* cannot shirk the taxation ; they can
only profit by it in the same way that you do ; namely, by seising
the advantage which it confers upon traders— that of obtaining
goods cheap. If you, and your mercantile compeers, do not wish
that all poor gentlefolks, and all rich as well, should ultimately
betake themselves to the Co-operative Stores system, you had better
unite in petitioning for the repeal of the Income-tax.
In the meanwhile yon could endeavour to excel the Co-operative
Storekeepers in the quality of your groceries, and at the same time to
undersell them in the price. The latter thing one would think yon
could well aft' >rd to do, because, as a rule, yon can sssess yonr own
incomes at your own figures, subject only to the risk of a surcharge,
which you can contest, with no greater dtffilnilty than that of taking
a compulsory oath : whereas Clerks in Government Offices, and all
other persons employed by the State, have to subsist on stipends
taxed to the uttermost farthing, and cannot help themselves.
that I
me it eon-
A TERRIBLE ADVERTISEMENT.
DEAR PUNCH,
An I in my senses ? Is this an English newspaper
see before me '' Can I believe my eyes, when they tefl me
tains snob an advertisement as this 'r —
GUILLOTINE wanted, second-hand.— Send particulars, and lowest
cash price, to B., ftc.
Who is B., I wonder ? Can B. stand for Kuco BKADLAUOH, the
Monarch of Hyde Park ? Has a revolution happened since I
dropped asleep last evening, and are our citizens preparing tor a
Reign of Terror? The bare notion of a Guillotine being wanted
here in England so shatters my weak nerves, that I try vainly to
compose myself. And to think that II.. the wretch! should waul a
"second-hand" one! Gracious ! Where are the police? Only
see what comes of their striking for a day or two I
Yours, in great alarm,
I'niLir FLCTTEB.
As&n Villa, Quakebury.
P.8.— Perhaps now it is too late MB. ATRTOH will bestir himself
to pnt down Hyde Park Sunday meeting*.
Host Musical, Most Melancholy.
A COCKNET Gentleman who had been hearing • eeaasft of eld
music, where every pieee that was performed wa* in the programme
termed an " Op.," observed, as he went out, " Well, after all these
'Ops, I vote we have some Malt"
NOTB FOR THE MoBALisT.— Virtue is not it* own reward. If it
were, it would be as common as \ ice.
258
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1872.
TAKING IT FOR GRANTED.
Engaging Photographer. " JUST LOOK A LITTLE PLEASANT, Miss ! THINK o» 'nr /"
LABOUR AND WAGES.
THE most effectual way to obtain an increase of wages for Working
Men, would probably be one which would prove not only altogether
unobjectionable, but, moreover, beneficial in the extreme — that of
extending the sphere of remunerative employment for women. It
may be that, if women were enabled more generally to maintain
themselves by their own industry than they now can, they would be
in proportion less generally disposed, as they certainly would be less
tempted, to marry. Hence would follow an arrest to the progressive
increase of population, especially among the labouring classes, male
as well as female. The fewer the hands became, the greater would be-
come the demand for them ; the rate of wages would rise accordingly :
there would be no occasion for strikes, and the labourers would be
all satisfied. Our numbers might remain stationary like the popu-
lation of (in that particular) happy France, or they might even
decrease ; but suppose they only came to a stand-still, the necessity
for the spread of building over, enclosing, and tearing up the face
of the country would cease likewise ; and the beauty of Old England,
the wild woods and commons, and downs and flowery fields and
meadows yet undestroyed, would still indefinitely remain at least in
statu quo. And butcher's meat, and all other good things, would
anyhow not keep on getting dearer.
Philanthropists who wish to elevate the condition of the agricul-
tural labourer, and, in so doing, preserve somewhat of an Arcadia
in the as yet rural districts, should reserve their premiums of sove-
reigns and pairs of breeches for old rustics who, instead of having
married early and brought up families, have, on the contrary, sup-
ported themselves for sixty years or so in respectable celibacy, and
should assign corresponding rewards to aged laundresses, maid-
servants, and other industrious females wlio have all their lives
remained spinsters of good character, or, if widows, who, having
lost their husbands early, have never married again. Trades Unions
would practise a far-sighted policy if they encouraged women to
compete with their members for employment as extensively as
possible.
SHAXSPEABIAN MOTTO FOB CATTLE-SHOW.—" 0 my sweet Beef ! "
MOKE OF ONE THAN T'OTHER.
" The distinguished visitors were then conducted over the Hall by MESSRS.
COMFORT AND GIBLET, the Directors." — Times Report of the Cattle-Show.
WHEBEFOBE thus the Directors miscall
Who assume the control of the jam,
In the huge Agricultural Hall
At the height of the Cattle- Show cram ?
Where, as Punch was squeezed small as an eel-skin,
'Twixt cattle pens, broad farmers' backs,
Smart young ladies in high-heads and seal-skin,
Stands, implements, touters' attacks,
These Directors, methought, he heard bawl,
Through the struggle for space, sight, and air,
" Here," quoth GIBLET, " 's no Comfort at all ! "
" Here," quoth COMFOBT, " is Giblet to spare ! "
The Return Visit.
SHOULD any of the following persons feel disposed to follow
SEBGEANT BATES'S example, and desire to make a walking tour
through the United States, carrying the British flag, leave of
absence for any length of time they please will be granted them
with the utmost readiness :—
MB. ATBTON,
MB. ODOEB,
MB. BKADLATTGH,
MB. WHALLEY,
Our Tax-Collector,
The Waits.
We should have been most happy to include the Claimant, but
there are legal difficulties in the way.
COMPANION OF THE BATH.— The Sponge.
>
O
H
O
O
I
OKCHMBSB 21. 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Ml
MESMERIC BLISS.
HE Homeward Mail relates
a curious case of involun-
tary Mesmerism " re-
corded by the civil sur-
geon of Hoshungabad."
The subject of it was a
young woman named
NI-.VNEK, who, having
married, and after a time
remained separate, for
reasons not stated, having
gone to live with her
husband, and stayed with
him eight days, became
suddenly insensible, con-
tinued so for two or three
days, and ever afterwards
fell into the same state
as often as he came into
her presence, although
carefully disguised. "He
was very kind and atten-
tive to her ; she liked
him ; " nevertheless his
vicinity had always that
effect on her. Application
was made by her parents
to the proper Court for
a separate maintenance
for her, on account of her
health, as she had become
emaciated and exhausted.':
"While the was in Court
the husband entered, and ihe
instantly became inseniible,
and was carried to the hos-
pital, where the case was
carefully attended to by I)B.
CULLRN, in March this year.
While in this state her pulse
was even, breathing soft, her
body pliant, but she could
eat nothing. Experiments
were carefully made to see
that there was no trick about
it. While she was in bed, her husband was muffled up and made to walk
through the ward. She said she felt he was near her, and she was by no
means well, but she had not seen him anywhere about. Next day this ex-
periment was repeated, and she actually became insensible as before. When
the husband left the place she recovered."
In continuation it is stated that experiments like the one above-
mentioned were tried in all sorts of ways for the space of a month,
and that the Court concluded that her husband unconsciously mes-
merised her, and, as it was impossible she could live with him,
granted her a separate allowance.
Like a grown-up boy, who knows his Catechism, this story may
be said to require confirmation. Incredulity may identify the civil
surgeon of Hoshungabad with WALKER. But there are more facts
in physiology and psychology than are dreamt of in Incredulity's
philosophy. Suppose the case affirmed in the foregoing story pos-
sible. Suppose such a case brought into the Probate and Divorce
Court. What would SIR JAMES HANNEN have to say to it P Could
judicial separation be decreed on the ground of involuntary cruelty ?
Homceopathists and Mesmerists, laying their heads together,
would perhaps, between them, suggest an alternative for divorce.
The Homceopathists recommend " a hair of the dog that bit you,"
and the dog that bit NUNNEE was. Mesmerists would say, Mesmer-
ism. Perhaps, therefore, they would agree that her husband, having
involuntarily mesmerised her into unconsciousness, should have
voluntarily mesmerised her out of it; and this practice would, at
least, be more humane than that which a husband among the Ilritish
lower orders would too commonly try on a wife whom he had thrown
into a fit of catalepsy ; namely that of kicking and stamping on her
with heavily nailed boots to bring her to.
Instead of the misery resulting from such dreadful treatment as
that, what happiness would very likely follow the other 1 The
thoroughly mesmerised wife would be her husband's other self ; by
mesmeric sympathy she would share all bis pleasures ; they would
be, as it were, one being ; and he would only have to enjoy himself
as much as possible, in every possible way, to make her a thoroughly
happy woman.
OLD JORUMS never lost a friend. For the best of all possible
reasons, his enemies say— he never made one.
PEA.RL8 FROM TIIK PROVINCIAL I'RKSS.
WK surely cannot feel surprised at the vait influence which U
wielded by; our provincial contemporaries, when we find them weekly
teeming with intelligence as interesting u that which we subjoin:—
«Ul, IK THUK.— At a tea-party held lately in thit Mlubrious
watering-place, there were assembled seven ladies, who*
have, by competent authorities, been computed to exceed imir hun-
dred and ninety-seven years. These cases of longevity. ]- rlmpi,
are the more singular from the fact that they have recently be«n
made the subject <>t remark in the actual pretence of the ladies
themselves, and that not a word of contradiction or diipleasure has
been allowed to cross their lips.
DUFPKBaAX.
MUTUAL IMPROVEMENT SOCIETY.— The first meeting of the winter
series took place on Thursday evening, at the residence of the re-
spected President, MR. EBKHSZU BTiooras, when upwards of a
couple of new members wen enrolled. The account* for the past
year were presented by the Treasurer, MR. OOLDKIHB, and showed a
balance in hand of two shillings and twopence-halfpenny, which,
considering the increased expenditure in muffins at the closing
charitable festival in August, may be regarded as a highly satisfac-
tory result. Under the auspicious guidance of the President, the
scheme for the ensuing session was formally discussed and finally
determined. Its chief and novel feature is a course of penny read-
ings of recent Acts of Parliament, which, it is hoped, will prove of
interest and considerable advantage to all who may attend. Two
concerts will be given in the course of the session, one of which will
be devoted to the students of part-singing, accompanied by the
banjo, while the other will consist of competitions on the Jew's-harp,
with a view to introduce it into grand orchestral works. The lighter
labours of the session will be the investigation of the game of knurr
and spell : while the lovers of gymnastics will find abundant scope to
exercise their muscle in the invigorating indoor sports of catscradle
and spillikins.
WAG8MOUTH.
LOSING TIM*.— Daring the late harvest (very late in this vicinity)
MR. STOOOLE8, Junior, of the Old Mill Farm, while encaged in
cutting capers, and at the same time carting clover, was unfortunate
enough to lose a large new silver watch, weighing upwards of .a
pound, with which he had that morning been presented by his
grandmother. A few days since, his faithful dog. " in life man's
firmest friend," as the poet truly says, was hunting in the field.
when, after sniffing at a rat-hole, he suddenly began to scratch, and
in a few seconds he ran bounding to his master, bearing the long-
missing timepiece in his month. Although the surface of the field
had been scarified, and ploughed, and harrowed, and flooded by the
rain for upwards of five weeks, no injury had been done to the
precious little monitor of fleeting Time's advance. ! Jl we hope
young STOGOLES will be a better time-keeper, and in future have a
watch upon himself, lest he throw it to the dogs.
PAPLEY-CUM-CRADLEFOliTH.
JSFAHT SCHOOL TRBAT.— The annual penny bean feast of the
Infant Sanday Schools came off on Tuesday last, when a
supply of creature comforts was provided, including a cold rautfan
for each of the monitors, whioh was thoughtfully supplied by the
Honourable Miss HUSKS. The repast being ended, MR. BPOUTK*,
M.P., who happened to be present as the guest of LADT WlO6Ls>
WAOQLR, improved the occasion by offering a few instructive obser-
vations on the virtue of economy and the vicionsness of over-feeding,
enlivening his speech by anecdote and illustration, and showing how
he traced the chief successes of his life to his early tots.1 abstinence
from sugar-plums and toffee, and the later more seductive charms of
"open jams." ^ =«==™»
Musical Milkman.
" A CHORISTML who was also a dairyman," has been nonsuited
in a theatrical action. He had been engaged to sing in Tlu Lady
of the Lakt, in which, unless he was tery unlike most of his
brethren, he would be in his element.
Bather Bum.
MRS. MALAPROP, who takes a deep interest in the welfare of our
Navy, is glad to hear that there is an officer specially appointed by
the Admirablety to look after the sailors' allowance of spinU-and-
water, called the Highgrographer.
TH» PATH FOE ALL TO PURSUI.— The Alderman' s Walk.
262
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21,
BOTH BOTHERED.
School Examiner. " NAME THE KINGS OF EKGLAND WHO DIED VIOLENT DEATHS."
Boy. " PLEASE, SIR, DID A KINO WHO DIED IN A FIT, DIE A VIOLENT DEATH ?"
School Examiner. " I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HELP YOU IN ANSWERING QUESTIONS. You KUST JUDOS FOR YOURSELF! "
ARRAS TOR OUR APARTMENTS.
ME. PUNCH, SIR,
_ SOME time back your talented " Representative Man"
sowed in my mind the seeds of some ideas which have at length
come up. In the course of his discriminative remarks on a success-
ful play, Miss Chester, he animadverted on the paper of Lady
M-ontressor's drawing-room in the Third Act, and expresses asto-
nishment at the taste of the parties who chose an article of such
gorgeous colours. On this point, as on all points which are matters
of taste, permit me to observe that tastes differ, so that one man's
taste is, as I may say, another man's distaste. For my part, I am
particularly fond of gorgeous colours, and am always rejoiced
greatly by the sight of a variety of them, when presented to me, in
all situations available for their display ; and here I have the
British Public with me ; for, Sir, look at the profusion of variegated
advertisements, glowing with every variety of brilliant hue, with
which every surface capable of being utilised for their display, in
places of popular resort, is overspread. Now the thought which I
hope I am not mistaken in considering happy, suggested by the
criticism above referred to, of gorgeously coloured drawing-room
paper, is that of papering the rooms of private dwelling-houses with
illuminated advertisements. All those rooms into which visitors are
accustomed to come might be thus papered, to the delight of their
eyes, the amusement of their minds, and the emolument of the
person who has the sense thus, for a sufficient consideration, to
render his domestic interiors subservient to the good of trade. The
more distinguished and more numerously frequented the residence,
the more lucrative would its internal decoration, by means of ad-
vertisements, prove, of course.
How very much, in the banqueting-hall of a noble mansion, would
the guests, _ luxuriating at dinner, find their eyes also regaled by
contemplating, on the walls around them, such adornments as the
familiar figure of the ox in a boat, which, all about Town, symbolises
a portable soup, for instance ; or the coloured botanical print which
invites attention to a sort of cocoa. In the bed-rooms, too, with
are so well accustomed to in polychrome on the walls and ceiling.
How agreeable and refreshing the same diversity of objects would
be to look at in a ball-room during the promenades between the
dances ; and how much more rational would this useful ornamenta-
tion be than heraldic blazonry and portraits of ancestors. In nu-
merous cases, indeed, it would even be very much more appropriate
than those embellishments ; for Business in many a baronial hall has
ousted Chivalry, and Chivalry has, in some illustrious instances, gone
into Business.
I am, Sir, with much respect, your inevitable, irrepressible,
ubiquitous BnL STICKEB.
P.S.— It is painful to see the waste of surface on the pedestals of
our public Statues.
Learning Hade Lively.
Pupil (sat/ing his lesson'). Nauta secat mare. Nauta, the sailor,
secat, cuts, mare, the sea.
Preceptor. Cuts the sea I How does the sailor cut the sea ?
Pupil. Got sick of it, gives it up. (Orins.)
Preceptor. Good boy.
A CASE FOB CHLOBIDE OF LIME.
KEDOLENircrs was a holy hermit, who made it a point of holiness
never to wash himself. His food was wholly vegetable, and con-
sisted principally of onions. As he lived, so he is said to have died—
in the odour of sanctity.
CATTLE SHOW.— Bull in a China-shop.
DEOBHBBB21, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
^f-
3fc
263
ANECDOTES OF HIGH LIFE.
Mr. Swellington (who is jond of letting people know he is acquainted with the
Aristocracy). " I ASSURE yon, MT DKAK FELLAH, I WAS STATING AT A COUNTRY-
HOUSE THE OTHER DAT, AND THB MASTER (MOST 1NTIMATK FRIEND O» MINI)
RANG FOR THK OaSf, AND ASKED HIM WHT THK DOOOB THKT ALL OBJ1CTBD TO
AUSTRALIAN BEEF ? ' WELL, MT LORD,' SATS THB OUSH, ' I RKALLY CAN'T oms
ANT PRECISE REASON FOR IT.' "
Mr. Griggsby (who is fond of chaffing Mr. Swellington). "Aa! VERT INTERESTING
STOBT ! / WAS STATING AT A COITNTBT-HOUSB, TOO. TBB Missus (RKO'LAR
OLD PAL o' MINB) RANG FOR THE SuB-Vics-DEPUTr-AssisTANT-GROOM OF THB
CHAMBERS, AND pur THE VERT SAMB QUESTION TO HIM. ' WELL, TIR GRACE,'
SAYS HE, ' I 'M BLOWBD IF I KNOW I'"
STOKEIiS IN THK STRKKT.
BELOVED British Public.
To yon we mutt appeal.
We hain't got no employment,
Nor mean* for to buy a meal.
Pity the poor Gat Stokers,
That struck to bold and ttern,
Which unsuccessful 'avin proreid,
To work there '» no return.
We now regret that we done to.
Your kind consideration show.
All London into darkness
With aim to plunge at night,
"Gainst our employer* only
We thought you to excite :
But never for a moment
I lid we ezjK'ct that all
Your indignation on ourselves
Wat a-goin' for to fall.
And now we finds that it the cor,
We with we could our ttept retr
There '* some got re-employment.
Tit *aid we did seduce :
But ai for we, poor leaden.
Entreaties ain't no UK.
And wot to turn our 'andi to
There 'i nothink we can tee.
We therefore now before you cumr,
To craTe your charity :
We are ashamed for to appear
In this disgrace afore yon here.
Now Christmas it approachin',
Unless you grants relief,
Without ftia in the Workhoute,
We shan't obtain no beef.
And used to the consumption.
Wot 't made your meat so dear.
0, Christian friends, to skilligolee,
The change will be severe !
Our wives and children, too, implore ;
We with we had thought of them afore.
We 'oped you would support us,
When out on strike we went,
But fin' I s we was mistaken,
Which, therefore, we repent.
To roam the streets in danger,
As bad as any blind.
With sympathy for Working Men
We felt you wouldn't mind,
If we 'd foresawr that wouldn't do,
We 'd never 'ave illoon wenienoed yon.
JUGGERNAUTH IN LONDON.
THE Vandemons, Hansom Cabmen, and rattling Light-carters, who
act as charioteers of Juggernauth in London, must be gratified to
learn that the sacrifice of life to the idol of fast-driving is yearly on
the increase, and that few and feeble measures are taken to suppress
it. Now and then a brief remonstrance is uttered from the Bench,
or a word of warning 'is proclaimed in some Police Court : but the
sacrifice proceeds, notwithstanding these slight checks, and old and
young are daily to be found among the victims.
The charioteers of Juggernauth seem to act upon the faith that all
roadways are constructed for their exclusive use, and that people
upon foot may only cross at their peril. MB. JUSTICE HAUNKN
lately tried to combat this belief, and asserted that a walker had
as clear a right to cross a street in safety, as a driver or a rider had
to drive or ride along it. But, though coming from the seat of
justice, an opinion such as this has very little weight with those
whom it should influence. Light-carters, who perhaps are the
heaviest offenders, soon learn to snap their fingers at such judicial
dicta. They care little for a fine which is paid mostly by their
masters, and they care little whom they hurt, so long as their own
skins are scathless. The way to make them feel for others is to
make them feel themselves. There would soon be a decrease in the
deaths caused by our Juggernauth, if ruffians convicted on a charge
of careless driving were sentenced to be tied up to the posts of
crowded corners, where their noses might be grazed by every passing
wheel.
"THE MOST UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL."
IK the class of Shorthorn Heifers-at the Cattle Show, the second
prize was won by the PRINCK OP WALKS'" heifer. " This beauty
was early sold for £80, to adorn tome metropolitan butcher's
shop-board." It is sad to read such paragraphs. They almost
make one melancholy. To be patted, and petted, and roaetted, and
then to be given up to adorn a metropolitan butcher's shop-board.
Not even allowed to adorn her Royal owner's sideboard, a distinc-
tion which the animal would no doubt have fully appreciated I
We shall abstain from beef during the whole of the present season,
lest we should inadvertently partake of the " beauty, for whom we
could have wished another and a better fate— permission for the
rest of her life to range over some rich Norfolk pasture, with a
reversionary interest in a paddock and a comfortable cow-house.
The Deleterious Weed.
UKDEB the heading of " A Centenarian," the Time* state* that
there lives at Laymore, in Dorsetshire, a MM. STASTOS, in her
101st year. This venerable lady " has a small army of children,
grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and (rreat-ereat-grandchildren,
scattered more or less throughout the globe." Old at the it : —
" She retains *H her faculties with the exception of being rather deaf. She
it aleo a great smoker ; even in bed the pipe is her companion."
Sages of the Anti-Tobacco Society, put that in your pipe* and
smoke it.
264
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ^ CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 21, 1872.
ELASTIC BANDS.
ERTAINLY the present
time may be called the
Age of India-rubber.
The enormous quantity
of that material which
hascome into use, brought
continually under notice
in a variety of shapes,
has perhaps suggested a
metaphorical expression
of recent invention, but
very frequent occur-
rence in Parliament out-
of-Session verbiage, and
leading prose. It has
become fashionable to
speak of certain enact-
ments, regulations, and
systems, political, reli-
gious and other, as "elas-
tic," and to laud them
as having the advantage
of " elasticity/' That
means, that, like caout-
chouc, they can be made to stretch and contract, as it were, and so
be adapted to circumstances. In elasticity there is, in many cases,
something which exhibits no small affinity to humbug.
One notable example of an elastic measure is the Licensing Act of
last Session, which has placed the adult population of this country
under restrictions of a nature like those which had previously only
regulated nurseries and schools. But that paternal statute undoubt-
edly has the merit of a certain elasticity. This property, however,
enables it to be worked practically in two opposite ways. Magis-
trates can either relax its provisions so as to make them press with
comparative ease upon people, or they can so stretch them as to
make them press with insufferable rigour.
That an Act intended to prevent tightness should itself be drawn
tight appears to have been the opinion of some country justices.
They have, in fact, drawn it as tight as they could, and thereby
caused riots at Ashton and other places.
There are circumstances in which riots, nay, insurrections, if
not commendable, have been wont to be commended in this
kingdom, whose subjects, heretofore, were, or if they were not,
strove to be, free. Encroachments on freedom of personal inclina-
tions and habits, of the ordinary kind in respect of which grown
men were supposed capable of self-government, have ever been
regarded as tyrannies that more than justify rebellion. When
Rule Britannia used to be sang seriously, and the singers declared
that Britons never would be slaves, the sort of slavery, for one, they
meant to say that they would rise and reject by force, was precisely
such interference with their free agency as that which is .wrought
by the Licensing Act.
But then the liberty in defence of which our forefathers thought
it right to mutiny, and worth while to fight and bleed, was a liberty
invaded by Kings who claimed Divine right, or by a Legislature
under the domination of Parsons and 'Sqnires, cherishing pretty
much the same pretensions.
But the Licensing Act has been carried, in a Household Suffrage
Parliament, by a Liberal Ministry, at the instance of Teetotal agi-
tators and Dissenting Ministers ; particularly ME. DAWSON BURNS
and DR. MANNING.
The riotous resistance, therefore, to its enforcement by Magistrates
with what harshness soever no matter, is highly reprehensible. It
may be, however, for their Worships to consider whether they had
not better not render the popular leading-strings of the Licensing
Act a little less unpopular by drawing them somewhat less tight,
and rendering them, in virtue of their elasticity, less rigid.
PLACES AND PENSIONS.
THE commendation of a Government whose first consideration is
pecuniary saving would have been earned by a subordinate making
the remark addressed to his superiors by the official undermentioned
in an extract from a newspaper : —
" THE INSURANCE op LONGEVITY. — The Prussian Provisional Govern-
ment at Erfurt recently charged one of the officials to report on a petition for
an increase of the pensions of teachers' widows. According to the Schiiheitung
the reporter said — It is a matter for serious consideration that an increase of
the pensions would result in an increase in the duration of life of the widows
in question."
The widows of teachers in the Prussian public service are not the
only people of whose lives a prolongation is apt to result from an
increase of pensions insufficient to live upon. Dockyard Labourers
past work, and their relicts likewise, if there are any, pensioned off
by the Government which we rejoice under, would very probably
live considerably longer than they are now likely to, if their pen-
sions were doubled or trebled. Enough, however, is as good as a
feast ; and there is no reason to suppose that the years of our popular
PREMIER and our careful CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER would
derive any material addition from any augmentation HER MAJESTY
may be advised to make to the retiring pensions which neither
MR. GLADSTONE nor ME. LOWE have as yet declared their intention
to renounce one of these days for themselves.
Some people plead that they must live, and others, who do not see
the necessity, so urged, are not only not incapable of seeing it in
their own case, but discern it, and very much more than it, or what
it amounts to, with remarkable distinctness when they contemplate
that case. But what would become of us if the existence of
Government's superannuated workmen and their widows generally
were, by the allotment of pensions adequate to their wants, pro-
tracted to the average longevity of Deans, and ex-upper Servants
of the Crown !
ON8LOW ON CASTRO.
LAST week being that of the Cattle Show, and an extraordinary
number of beef-headed gentlemen, whose talk is of oxen, in Town,
a demonstration on behalf of the Castro Defence Fund was got up at
St. James's Hall. MR. WHALLET addressed the assembled yokels
with his usual wisdom ; so likewise did MR. GUILFORD ONSLOW,
M.P. ; and the latter gentleman said something remarkable, to wit,
with reference to ME. CASTRO, that : —
" If he was the right man, he was the best-abused man, the most cruelly-
abused man, in the world ; and if he were an impostor, he deserved to be
acquitted, because he had proved himself the cleverest man out."
This observation was received with " laughter and cheers " by an
audience which must have consisted of rogues as well as of boobies.
Except rogues, what manner of men could those be who applauded
the idea that an impostor, having proved himself the cleverest man
out, deserved on that account to be acquitted? Any but rogues
must surely think that the cleverest man, being an impostor, and
out, is, of all impostors, the one that ought, instead of being out, to
be in. MB. ONSLOW, of course, in speaking as above, did not seri-
ously mean what he said. He merely talked nonsense to make the
boobies laugh, and not to tickle the rogues. Doubtless he believes
CASTRO to be as honest as clever ; a clever honest man, and not a
clever impostor, and otherwise a dunce. " The cleverest man out "
is an elegant phrase. Perhaps MR. ONSLOW picked it up from
MR. CASTRO himself, or from the high class of society wherein that
gentleman has been accustomed to move, and to which his sympa-
thisers are, with a few exceptions which prove a rule, confined.
TRULY LIBERAL POLICY.
A PLEASANT paragraph in a newspaper has now, in these days of
strikes, seditious demonstrations, reports of United Kingdom Alli-
ance meetings, prose about education, and twaddle of Parliament
out of Session on the Stump, become a rarity. But here is one : —
" THE LONDON POSTMEN. — The Postmen who refused the stripes offered
by MR. MONSELL, have accepted them, each stripe carrying an increase of
sixpence per week to the salary, and threepence per week to the retiring
pension. About 210 men will obtain stripes."
When stripes are made to carry sixpences, they are no longer
decorations to be despised by sensible men ; and prospective three-
pences in the event of superannuation, increase proportionally the
value at which they are rated. Consideration has been wisely shown
for the reasonable demands of a meritorious class of public servants
who, in the importance of their duties, nearly equal Policemen, and
in their deserts quite. ME. MONSELL is to be very much applauded
for what he has done towards redeeming his department, at least,
from the charge of that short-sighted parsimony which cynically
grinds down to th« lowest possible terms the employed who are
expected to be trustworthy. Let us also congratulate the superior
colleagues of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL on having allowed that
Right Honourable Gentleman to behave towards the Postmen with
a liberality which, though it add kicks to stripes, will doubtless
prove economical in the end.
Shakspearian Address to Haughty Aristocrats.
( Writ over a Republican's J)onr.)
" Within this roof
;*• The enemy of all your Graces lives."
As You Like It, Act ii. sc. 3.
DECEMBER 28, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIM V.M.'F.
THE CAPTAIN'S A BOLD MW."- Beggar,' Opera.
Hiss Adiposa. " THE mxr ROUND DANCE! CKRTAINLT, CAPTAIN SPARROW, WITH OREAT
KIWPONHIBIMTT THAT you ARE TAKING ON YOURSELF."
[The gallant little officer silently agrees with her ; but when did a British soldier, Jkc.
Bar IT is NO KLIOBT
Let us hope Ouy will jet mil through a.
HAWTHORNE AT CHRISTMAS.
" ORPHANS' HOME.— In the vicinity of London there is a little house
in which seventeen children, orphans and destitute, are fed, clothed, and
instructed. The work began, as most such do, in a small way. One lady,
Miss HALES, took to herself a forlorn child to educate and feed. Another
and another, equally forlorn, came. The lady a meant did not suffice, and
J/M* Hawthorne threw what she had of private fortune into the work,
joining in it personally, and giving all her lime to it. For a time there were
food, raiment, and education far the little ones, but the expense* soon exceeded
the income. ' Will not,' writes Afiis Hawthorne, ' tome of those who have
read my father's works come to our aid ? We want £300, without which the
Nome must be closed.' Contributions will be received and acknowledged by
Miss HALES, 8, Woodfield Terrace, Harrow Road, Paddington ; or by Miss
HAWTHOHNE, MESSRS. BAKINO BROTHERS, 8, Buhopsgate Street Within,
London, E.C."
ALL ye who 've sat tranced in reading
HAWTHORNE'S House of the Seren Oables,
For a Hawthorne- House 1 'm pleading,
Peopled with fair facts, not fables.
'Tis the house for orphans tiny
By Miss HALES and HAWTHORNE kept up ;
Thither send your sovereigns shiny,
For a good work to be swept up.
There 's a Hawthorn, weird and hoary,
Grows in Olastonbury's aisle,
Whose white blooms, for JOSEPH'S glory,
Legend says, at Christmas smile.
In this Home by London City,
From this thorn a graft was tied,
Whence the flowers of love and pity
Blossom still at Christmas-tide.
Whereso HAWTHORXE hat left root in
Loving memories soft and tad,
Plant it out so, that its fruiting
May make HAWTHORNE'S daughter glad.
LOGIC OF TAXATION.
IN the days when OF.OBOE THR FOCKTH wa» King, a certain
drama had a great run at the Adelphi. It WAI called Tom and
Jerry. A certain principal character in it bore a name which tome
people would perhaps deem appropriate to the CIIAXCELLOB OF Tin:
EXCHEQUER ; for the RIGHT HONOURABLE KOBEBT LOWE can re«*on
right well if he please*. The penonige in Turn and Jerry above
referred to was named Bob Logic.
What does Bub Logic, to to apeak, think in a logical point of
view of the argument that the Income-tax most needs be ever-
lasting because those who are fleeced by it have endured it thirty
years '? Much as he is enamoured of that tax, insomuch as to be
wedded to it ; determined as he is to perpetuate it all he can, would
he defend it by that argument ? Would he plead that his victims
are used to it, as, eels are to be skinned P
If thirty years sufferance of confiscation may be supposed to have
made it tolerable, we may imagine that Caspar, after his departure
with Zamiel, and that Don Juan, and Dr. faustiu, after a similar
disappearance, may, by the end of a certain term, have tilBIHM
acclimatised to their situation, and tolerably comfortable.
Does a grievance under which people have been groaning for to
many years as thirty cease to be a grievance by the time they have
groaned thirty, or even forty years long ? Are they then no longer
grieved by it? Does its oppression of them terminate ? Do they groan
under it, and execrate lU maintainer, not any more ? Say, tweet
Sub Logic.
THE LAWYER'S PRATER.— The learned gentleman prayed a t>tls.
VOL. LXIII.
266
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1872.
$)uncf) at ilunci).
OMPANION Tobias, the dine-outing sea-
son has set in with more than its
accustomed severity, and it is impos-
sible to eat lunches. If a man, who
is not also an ostrich, manages to
have finished a good breakfast by
twelve o'clock (the imperfect way in
which the world is lighted at present
makes early rising impossible), he
•wants but little here below until 7 '30,
and not much then, if he has been out
a good many evenings. Therefore,
Tobias, our ceremonial of this day
will je brief.
But you shall not suffer. Wiser
than your master, you do not take a
great deal more than is good for you,
because it is the end of December, the
Jewish Tebeth. Do you remember the
story of the good Methodist who was
so pressed by carnal roysterers to join
their orgies, that he said, " Well,
then, for once I will drink like a
beast." With a shout they sat down, and he would take nothing
but water. I hope the lesson was blessed to those roysterers. Is
there any soda-water about ? Not, of course, that I Yah !
why didn't you get out of the way of the cork ?
Tobias, here is Christmas upon us again ! Did you ever see such
weather ? The Daily Telegraph boldly declares that we have had
"twelve months of atmospheric mismanagement," and utterly de-
clines to be grateful for the same. But this is not my view of the
case. I think of the lesson which GEOBQE HERBERT tells us to
extract from every sermon, however bad : —
" When all wants sense,
Heaven takes a text, and preaches — Patience."
Probably a good many folks will be the better for remembering
these lines on Christmas Day.
It is a Christmas thought to be heartily glad that GEORGE CANNON,
the Superintendent of the Casual Ward at St. Giles's, who caused
the death of a child by refusing to receive it, with its mother, on a
vile night, and who stuck to his brutal lie that the mother was
drunk, will spend his Christmas Day in gaol, and some three
hundred and sixty days after in that edifice ; at hard labour. And
I hope the officials will take care that it is hard.
PROFESSOR HUXLEY has been elected Lord Rector of Aberdeen,
although he is an English Commoner, and his opponent was a
Scottish Lord. Well done, Aberdeen. It is not there that the
motto Nisi Dominus frustra is read, with a certain interpretation.
Not that I dislike Lords— on the contrary, I think many of them
are among the best men out. But you know what the father says
to Lucy, in one of FOOTE'S plays, " I hope you are not the vulgar
thing to think a man the worse because he is a Lord." " No, Sir, I
am quite content with thinking him no better," says the little
Whig.
" It is a surer way to reputation to destroy a thing than to create
one," said a writer the other morning, commenting on MB. LOWE'S
contempt for " pious founders." It is true.
" The daring youth that fired the Ephesian dome
Survived in fame the pious fool that raised it."
It is comforting, however, to think that the "fame" is not always an
enviable one. A village may forget that GILES WOPSTICK built a
certain haystack, but will long talk, over their ale, of the penal
servitude awarded to GIPSY JACK for sticking in the lucif er.
the moral, sundry great folks.
Mind
Toby, when GEORGE THE FOURTH buried JAMES THE SECOND—
what are you laughing at, you ignorant brute ? He did ; and it was
one of the very few decent things performed by King Turveydrop.
Read, Sir, read ! and don't dog's-ear the book. However, I have
made two-legged blockheads laugh by beginning as I did ; and then
I have made them uncomfortable. But that was in my youth, when
I thought such victories worth winning. Now I am wiser.
" Men should be taught as though you taught them not,
And things unknown proposed as things forgot.'*
Besides, a man of the world avoids making an enemy of a blockhead.
I am not nervous. But many other good persons are. Ought the
Railway people to give you a time-table, on the back whereof is a
deep black-edged advertisement of " Sudden Mourning" ? They do.
Toby, " to you I speak." They say dogs can see ghosts. Do you
know that the Haunted Houses in Stamford Street are to be sold by
auction ? I wonder whether the ghosts are to be taken at a valua-
tion. Run round and try to get in. If you see any, don't bite them.
" Yon mind your work, and they won't bite you," as the cruel father
said to the poor child who wistfully remarked that " the trout were
biting well that fine morning."
Toby, I can't eat anything else, and I know that there will be
Turtle where I am going.
" Man is like Don Ferdinando;
He cannot do more than he can do."
Amuse yourself with the feast before you. I am ever hospitable
to my friends, liberal to my dependents, charitable to my poor.
And now, with the aid of fumus (gloria Mundi, and all the other
days), I will wrap myself in meditation on my own virtues until 'tis
time to dress. Merry Christmas to You. "A dog, although a
flatterer, is a friend."
"CRACKERS" FOR CHRISTMAS PARTIES.
IT is rumoured at the Clubs that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EX-
CHEQUER has given notice of a motion for leave to introduce a
measure for the total abolition of the Income-tax.
The fact, well-known to zoologists, cannot be too widely stated,
that the Polo Bear owes his name and provincial reputation to his
prowess in the sport of hockey on sea-horseback.
Country visitors are informed that at the theatres on Boxing-night
a charge is made for stamping.
The man in the moon is bound by lunar law to pay his rent, de-
ducting Property-tax, at the end of every quarter.
Mince pies were invented at the Siege of Troy, when the Greeks
all fought "like Trojans," and heroes such as HECTOR "made
mince-meat" of their enemies.
The noble art of "tunding" is so called because its object is to
punish little boys upon a tunder part.
The only Christmas Amusement permitted to the members of the
Archseological Society is to pay a visit to the British Museum, and
play a little game with the Elgin Marbles.
It is not generally known that, by an Act pasted in last Session,
bills payable at sight are legally made payable at the Blind Asylum.
Report states that MR. AYHTON has the absolute intention, in the
middle of next week, to introduce a Bill for the destruction and
rebuilding, on a scale worthy of the site, of the British National
Gallery.
Little boys may like to know that, as Columbines are not allowed
to talk in public, Harlequins in private practice always dance with
dumb belles.
It is a singular fact, in what is called unnatural history, that
where you find the Pot Tree (Arbor pewteriferens) you also see the
Rum Shrub.
Country visitors to the Tower, being gifted with good appetites,
may feel a pang of pity when they learn that the poor Beef-eaters
always dine upon cold mutton.
By a rule of English law you may not lift a toe against a howling
organ-grinder; but, if you want him to "mizzle," you may proffer
him a mizzletoe.
British yachtsmen ought to know that the tide is never high upon
the coast of France, the fact being that the water there is always
I'eau.
WHAT NO DAIRYMAN CAN ADULTERATE.— The Milk of Human
Kindness.
DKOEMBER 28, 1872.]
JOTTINGS.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
K Yule Ijog should
either be of wood or
some other descrip-
tion of timber, and
ought to be well
steeped in brandy,
nutmeg, and ginger,
before it is MOM
on the fire. The
person who brings
it into the room
must retire back-
wards, with a grace-
ful smile on his
countenance, and
new buttons to his
waistcoat.
If possible, there
should be mixed
with the mincemeat
a little ambergris,
finely chopped and
crated, which has
been gathered at the
turn of the tide, in
a rush basket, by
two friends who are
each other's executor, and both of a sanguine temperament.
The cloth in which the plum-pudding is boiled ought to be kept,
from year to year, in the plate-chest, or some other place of security,
wrapped up in Carols, and covered with the holly which has been
used in the Christmas decorations. When, through old age or acci-
dent, the cloth becomes incapacitated for further service, it must be
consumed in a wood fire by the cook, and the ashes carefully collected
by the housemaid and cast by the footman into a running stream,
where it passes under a foot-bridge on which the butler remains
standing until the ceremony is over. The new cloth should be
bought with silver money which has never been in circulation.
Neglect any of these precautions, and you are certain to have the
Sweeps in the house before the end of the next year.
The mistletoe should be out with a silver billhook (electro-plate
will not do), to the sound of horns in the twilight, in the presence
of the Mayor ; or, in his unavoidable absence, the Registrar o:
Marriages for the district. The loving cup is to be passed round
but no speeches are to be made, and no one is to be present who has
ever been crossed in love.
If the turkey has unfortunately been the result of a transaction
with the poulterer, it is laid down in the cookery-books that i
should be boiled in cream, and eaten in good feeling. If, however
it is a gift, you should baste it with butter, and lard your discourse
at dinner with praises of the donor.
If you cannot afford a Baron of beef, be content with a Sir-loin
if a boar's head is beyond your purse, make yourself happy with
pig's cheek ; and in the not improbable event of the absence o
woodcock pie, substitute any other Christmas game you please.
ne public-house at all; yes, and to stop th«- win«--iiitrch»nt* and
he grocers from selling him any beer and wine and spirit* what-
ver. And in good time JOIINVY shall have a further I Joensing Act,
license him to sit up at home only till a certain hour, and to give
toiiiiv power to come into JOHNNY H house, and s*e that J»i
n >>nl ; and to take away any beer or strong lii|iinrs that J
lay have if he has been so naughty as to make some for I
ly this law JOHNNY will be punishi-d if he is obstinate, ami •
o go to bed when li'/uiu tells him that the Sandman has come fur
lim.
Is not JOHN BOLL supposed by his paternal governors to have
ndeed sunk into second childhood ';
GLADSTONE'S LETTER TO THK »eeCCaC6ft YKKBlr H.I>
AND SLIGHTLY IMl'KoVKH.
Quandoyut boniu dormtlot llomtrui.
MY" dear old friend HOMER" is sometime* caught napping ;
What wonder if I were to nap now and t)
But. observe, in this case 'tis not I that want napping: —
The Scribe who reported made slip with his pen.
Each hour of the day tome fresh duty elicit* ;
The world little reck* of their jading amount :
My readings of HOMER come seldom, like visits
Of angels. Their sum on my fingers I count.
The last time I looked into HOMER, I read it
How Atlas the Prudent, as deep as the sea,
Bears the world on his shoulders.* And this, on my credit,
I think "my friend HOMKH" intended for me.
At daybreak to plunge among Greeks and Phoenician*—
Egyptian and Persian, Assyrian and Jew —
With a table that groans under Drafts and Petition*—
Believe it not, Editor ! Kindly, adieu 1
• Odyuty,
A JUVENILE JOHNNY'S CHRISTMAS.
AT this holiday time of the year little boys and girls used to b
sometimes allowed to sit up a great deal too late. Their parent
were very much to be blamed for allowing them. Naughty
Children ! naughty Papas and Mammas ! But now children are n
longer indulged in such liberty. Instead of that they are per-
mitted to enjoy a licence which is quite another thing. Head tn
following extract from the Morning Post, dears :—
" CHRISTMAS AND THE LICENSING ACT.— At Sheffield yesterday, applica
tion was made on behalf of the Sheffield Licensed Victuallers for an ext*i
of time on Christmas Eve to twelve o'clock, Christmas Day to eleven o clc
Saturday in Christmas week to twelve o'clock, Sunday following
o'clock, and the two following days till one o'clock in the morning.
Bench said that, whatever might have been their inclination in the matter,
the law would not aUow them to grant the application, which must b«
refused."
Did the naughty publicans want to keep their houses open for a
JOHNNY to sit smoking a pipe and drinking beer m when a Joi
ought to have been an hour or two before in bed r
nothing publicans, and the nasty pipe, and the nasty, nasty b
And 0 the goody, goody Act of Parliament which forbids them to
let JOHNNY in, or let him stay a minute later than his bed-time,
eating and drinking more than is good for him, and making
chimney of his little nose with nasty smoke. JOHNNY shall very
soon have another Act of Parliament, to prevent him from going to
PLACETS.
LETTER on the breakfast-table from MESSRS. BMCMTOKE, Bicos
ADD COKE, solicitors, announcing a legacy of £10,000 from a distant
relative.
Invitation to dine with the Drysalter*' Company.
Unexpected arrival of old acquaintance from the Colonies, with
presents for wife and all the children, and settlement, with com-
pound interest, of a note of hand for i'HXJ dated fifteen years back.
Eldest son Senior Wrangler.
Engagement of youngest and favourite daughter to large la
proprietor. Unencumbered estate— old manor house— good family
—high character— capital shooting-county magistrate— »onnd view*
(exactly our own) on all the leading questions of the day.
Discovery on an old book-stall of a very rare hrrt edition : bought
for a few shillings, worth as many hundred pound*.
Lengthened and eulogistic notice* in the leading daily paper* of
new poem — Mithridatrs.
Election at the Solon Club.
The finding in a box of old paper*, in a dun*ed garret, of a MS.
diary kept by SHAKSPEARE during his residence in the Metropolis.
Christmas hampers.
NON-PLACETS.
COMMUNICATIOK by the evening post from Fn.*R AKD RASPER,
threatening legal proceedings if the sum of £07 10<. &/.. due to
their clients, TWERDES AMD MBLTOS, is not paid within U-n day*.
Summons to serve on a special jury in a complicated mercantile
case expected to last a week. (AH arrangement* just made for a
few days' shooting in Norfolk, at To* GOODMAH'S.)
Intimation from eldest *on that he ha* fully made up hi* mind not
to follow the paternal vocation of a cotton-broker, and that he u
studying for the Stage.
Telegram from Spinster Aunt, in »ffluent circumi "••*, t"
effect that she has, that morning, married the RKVCUDTD JOOPH
JOSEPHUS WEEDELL, a widower with sii children.
Discovery in a second-hand bookseller s shop of our great His-
torical work-TA« Heptarchy and the ,H«j>torcA«-pnbli»hed m two
volumes at thirty shillings, ticketed two-and-ninepence.
Return (for the fourth time) of MS. of serial story, Tht Maddoxet
of Maddox Street, " declined with thanks."
Beautiful hunting morning— meet and breakfast at the house of a
particular friend-Miss Di BnATTMEBr certain to be there- it»,
Health, appetite all excellent—" Dark Lady " suddenly goe* lame.
Christmas Bills.
268
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER i8, 1672.
A CONTENTED MIND.
" 0, MAMMA! WE HAVE HAD SUCH FUN I FANCIT, WE'VE BEEN DOING PJIIVATB THEATRICALS, AND ALL OF us TOOK A PART !'
" INDEED ! AND WHAT PART DID YOU ALL TAKE? "
" 0, THE PART OF THOSE WHO LOOK ON AND CLAP THEIR HANDS, YOU KNOW."
WET, BUT WELCOME.
".You are wet, FATHER CHRISTMAS," BRITANNIA cried,
" And the rain-drops run down your old nose ;
And your clothes feel as though they would never be dried,
And your boots are soaked through to the toes.
Your track, and your weeping umbrella's, I trace,
By the drippings they leave on the floor;
And the parquet, whose polish your slush-marks efface,
No bees-wax can ever restore.
But come in, FATHER CHRISTMAS; the wetter your plight,
r The warmer a welcome is mine ;
Your 'hot- with' you'll find brewed, dry sheets aired for to-night,
As wet blankets are not in your line.
Before a good fire you shall toast your old shins,
After turkey, and chine, and mince-pie,
Till the wassail-bowl's blood in your pulses begins
With the tide of the Time to run high :
For the colder and wetter and drearier without,
The more dry, warm, and kindly within,
With the sorrow and suffering, and need all about,
You and I, FATHER CHRISTMAS, claim kin.
May the damp, that has given your old bones such offence,
Till a drowned rat you most call to mind, ;
Whate'er it wash out, wash in deeper the sense
Of the wants and the woes of our kind.
To back-looks on a year all so damp, dull, and drear,
Not e'en distance enchantment can lend —
Swimming hay-fields, and wheat rotting green in the ear ;
Floods around ; above, rain without end 1
But though Sun spared to shine, still in mart, mill, and mine
Hands were busy, and all through our hive
Ne'er more broad and more bright grew the gold-honey's shine,
Nt'er were woikers of wealth more alive.
While our neighbours must War's bitter legacy bear
Of tribute and tears, one or both,
Or while to defeat faction added despair,
We 'd but weather wherewith to be wroth.
Though our roots might be blighted, our corn rust and rot,
We 'd the crops of the world within reach ;
If 'twixt Labour and Capital strife has waxed hot,
"Twas the fulness of life-blood in each.
Then come in, FATHER CHRISTMAS, more welcome more wet !
Were the brands on my hearth burning low,
The fire of God's love in your heart's centre>et,
la such times should be keenest of glow.
To the damp and discomfort you bring to my doors,
A glad heart and a grateful I '11 turn :
For the naked, my clothes— for the hungry, my stores —
For the shivering, my Wall's-end to buru !
They Manage these Things Better in France.
THE Japanese who have lately been visiting this country are now
in France. What do we read about their treatment in Paris ?
" The Embassy is lodged, at the expense of the State, in the hotel
which was formerly the residence of the Turkish Ambassador."
When shall we do the same in England ?
OX AND WEATHER.
THE Cattle Show at Islington this year was very much crowded.
That was remarkable at a time when there was so much counter
attraction to the animals at that exhibition, since it everywhere
rained cats and dogs.
A "Pop" VISIT.— To the Pawnbroker.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—DtciMBM 28, 1878.
-
. ,x-*
^^
WET, BUT WELCOME.
MRS. BULL. " LA ! FATHER CHRISTMAS, YOU 'VE ONLY TO GET INTO YOUR DRY CLOTHES, AND TAKE
PLENTY OF THIS, AND YOU 'LL BE MERRY ENOUGH, I WARRANT I "
28, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
871
HAPPY THOUGHTS.
DOG-CART at the Station to
receive us. Foggy drive.
We arrive at MR. Mir
ION'S house, which is
out of the fog, and up a
hill. MiCKLKTO.v (KNGLE-
MOKE'S friend) beams on
us from the hall-door. It
quite warms me to see
him : 'he is so round and
jolly. He has gaiters on
having apparently only
just this minute come in
from farming.
"Welcome to Walnut
House ! " cries our host,
heartily.
We descend ; and the
introduction takes place
in ENGLEMOKE'S own pe-
culiar style.
''PROFESSOR MICKLE-
willhebe to me?
is farmiuir.
Why am I down here? Ah, I forgot ; AM line
.
-miles, and ha.
" ' it quite depend* upon the humour he'. in.
is he not I "
a difficulty with the fluff again, before ahe
He hat a
TON."
Mister,
He is only plain
of course. Then,
to me, " The
turning
Colonel. He want* to
learn all the little fake-
ments of farming, and all round my garden in twenty minutes.
Kh Prrtfooort»» V "
Eh, Professor ?
MIL MICKLETON replies, smiling, "It's rather late now. EHGLE-
MORE.
I interpose, politely, that I wouldn't on any account think of
trying to see the farm at this hour. Too late, and too dark.
"Don't know that," says ENGLEMORE, thoughtfully. "Might
have little Tommy Torchlight out with us, eh ? New idea Good
picture for Illustrated: 'Torchlight Visit of the Royal Party to
PROFESSOR MICKLETON'S Farm.' Also article, ' All Among the
Pigs.' What time 's Mister Grub P "
"Three-quarters of an hour from now," answers our host; and
forthwith invites us into the drawing-room.
Here we are introduced to Mas. MICKLETON, who is sewing some-
thing or other of a fluffy character.
She expresses her pleasure at seeing us, and subsides, without
another word, into her knitting, or whatever it is.
"All Chickabiddies straight?" inquires ENGLESIORE, who has at
once established himself on the hearth-rug.
" The children ? " asks MKS. MICKLETOJT, looking up for a second.
ENGLEMORE nods.
" Quite well, thank you," she answers, resuming her work.
I don't see, as yet, my way towards interesting Mas. MICKLBTON
in a conversation.
Happy Thought. — Weather and children. Effect of climate on
youth.
" I suppose," I say, " yon find this place agree with them wonder-
fully P "
I don't know the reason for my supposing anything of the kind,
I 've only been here ten minutes, and haven t seen anything at
ill of the place itself. Still, it is the Country, and not London : at
least, this I imagine to be the basis for my observation.
MRS. MICKLETON is obliged to desist in her work, I find, every
other second minute, in consequence of the fluffy stuff rubbing off
and flying to her nose, which she is forced to rub irritably.
" This place ? " she returns, after a second's friction of the point of
ler nase with her right forefinger, and then speaking very slowly.
" This place ? No, indeed ; I wonder we manage to keep alive here
at all. My husband 's away all day. There 's no society. As you
may imagine, it's very dull."
Between each of her sentences she does two or three stitches, and
,hen, just as I feel that she is expecting me to start some topic, or
agree with her, or, at all events, say something, she continues her
liscourse. She has finished now, and I observe that of course if
jiere is no one here it must be very dull.
Happy Thought.— MRS. ROBINSON CHUSOK without a FRIDAY.
" The garden," I say, " must be a great pleasure."
" Yes, if you understand it." Stitches. " I don't." Stitches.
Happy Thmtght.—lf a stitch in time saves nine, and if she is
always in time, what a heap of labour she must economise during
'he year. (Think this out.)
She continues. " MR. MICKLETON doesn't understand it, though
le pretends he does." Stitches.
" Then the Professor is Mister Umbug," says ENGLEMORE, laughing
t off, with a wink at me.
It occurs to me that MRS. MICKLBTON must know more of her own
msband than ENGLEMORE ; and, supposing she is right, of what use
sort of sloppy, muddley place, that he call. hi. farm." Stitch**
H.UW " down early on *»»ur<iay. he walk* about there in
thick boots and gaiter., and talk, a great deal of nonsense, ]
ire. stitches. "On Sunday* he always makes a fius about
' over the farm." Stitehes. " But it '. only
'"ing tothnrch."
re a sudden click and a whirr somewhere above my head startle
me and a sharp cuckoo note is repeated six times. Ju.t a. I have
found out the Mtuation of the clock, a little door over the face shuU
hed""1'' Cuckoo, much to my disappointment, has
It may be childish, but, on the instant, I feel that, henceforth,
my one object fa thi. house is no longer to consult MICKLBTOH on
rning but to see that Cuckoo when he re-appear, to tell ns the
iur. It occurs to me, as quite a sporting sen.*tion, that I should
like to take the time exactly from the clock-face, and be
underneath with a bow and arrow, or drawing-room putol, to have
a shot at him when he next ventures out.
Happy nought.— Adopt the iifea for Hnrlingham instead of real
live ingeons. All the amusement, double the fan, and none of the
cruelti
"Chirpy Chap, eh?" EBOLEMORK remark*,
Cuckoo, shouldn't care about him in a bed-room,
touoh the '
alluding to the
Should make him
ch the harp gently, my pretty I-ouiie, or *hut him up altogether.
llo. Protestor, timn for Sammy BoapocU th '• "
' Yes " replies MICKXCTON, who has taken off his gaiters and been
putting himself to-right*: " no drew, unleM youpref.r it. I .han't.
J-8ay'.. , ,e eiolalm8. *• » something very brilliant had occurred to
him, I've got such a riddle for you."
" My name's Mister Oive-tt-up," replies EKOLBJIORK, easily.
I ask, not being in the least interested, what it is.
. kling over it as if in anticipation of our roan of
laughter and delight when we hear it, say.,
Well, I made it myself the other day, and I asked BAOSTEB—
know/' to MOLKMOKK. " SAM HArisTKK, our clergyman
ENGLEMORB nod*,' and by way of describing him to me, says,
" Mister White Choker, wall eyed. Little off hi. chump. Goon."
He's all right now," MICKLBTOW tells him.
ad of it," return* ENGLKMOBB; "butw
Glad of it," return* ENGLKMOEB; " but what 's Colonel Conun-
drum P "
MICKLBTON, who appear, to have suddenly forgotten it, rub* his
lead.
Ah yes, of course. Well, it 's this. Why " here he breaks
off to implore me to tell if I 've heard it before. I aware him I
laven't.
" I know it as far as you 've gone at present," observes EKOLBXOBJ^
Go a-head ! "
MICKLBTON goes a-head. " Why is a Duck," here he looks sns-
>iciously at me, as much as to say now you hm-? heard this before,
only out of politeness you won't tell me so—" Why U a Dnok like a
Charlatan Doctor?"
"The answer begin* with 'Because,'" cays EXOLBMORB; "I'll
swear to that."
" Ah, you know it ! " cries MicKtETON. But we assure him that
we do not. Will he relieve our anxiety, and tell us?
He will, with the greatest pleasure.
" The answer is," he says, '• because they both quack. Good, eh ?
Isn't it P You 've never heard it before P "
Hnppy Thmight.—^
We all laugh. .So heartily; but MICKLETON heartier than either
of us. He tells us again " that he made it himself."
We say, did he, really P and, of course, laugh again.
We, still laughing, and repeating to ounelves, " Yes, ljuack. very
good ! " take our chamber candlesticks, thinking we are going to •
escape.
But
The Language of Bell*.
" TURN again, WHITTINGTON," said the Bells of Bow. B«lls say
all sorts of things, mostly, to English eats, in English. But the
Christmas Chimes also talk French. In that language they ask for
turkey continually, saying, " Dindon ! "
A JUVBBILE OFKENDBE. — A small boy in the Upper First Form
was heard to remark that the best Sanskrit grammarians were the
Parsees. Didn't he catch it P
272
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1872.
A NEW CHRISTMAS SONG.
(Adapted to the Times from In Memoriam.)
WBING out the clouds in that damp sky,
Which all this year so drear have made,
If, for the weather's clerk, her trade
A weather-washerwoman ply.
Wring out the old, wring in the new,
Wring, weather-washerwoman, so,
That wet-shod if the Old Year must go,
The New may damps and dumps eschew.
Wring out the wet that stands in clay,
Rots the potatoes in their bed,
Fingers and toes gives Swedes instead
Of bellies in the usual way.
Wring out my mouchoir, damp with flow
Of constant cold through warp and woof,
Bring in a patent water-proof,
Through whose seams rain-drops will not go.
Wring out the shirts, wring out the skin,
To which I 've been wet many times ;
Ring out the rain-drops' pattering chimes,
And bring some dryer weather in !
SEASONABLE CHARITY.
" ENGLAND EXPECTS THAT E-VER-EY MAN
TBIS DAY WILL DO HIS BOOTY."
THOUGHTS DURING HAIR-CUTTING.
WILL ]\" cut it well, or shall I look an object for \\\n
next ten days.
Will he ask me how I would like it cut ?
Will he talk to me ?
Will he blow upon roe ?
Will he snip a bit off my ear ?
Will he prick my lip when he trims my moustache ?
Will he tell me that my hair is getting rather thin at
the top?
Will he ask me whether I have tried, or would like to
try, their marvellous Balsam, or their wonderful Wash,
or their unrivalled Restorative ?
Will he ask me whether I will be shampooed ?
Will the brushing business bring tears into my eyes ?
Will he part my hair on the wrong side?
Will uncomfortable hairs get between, my collar and
my neck ?
Will he not, when all is over, say—" Will there be
anything for the toilette ? "
TO SOME CORRESPONDENTS.
AT" the end of the year it is proper to pay off old scares, MR.
PvyCH has a world of old scores to pay off to Correspondents. But
he has graciously passed an Act of Oblivion in his otcn favour.
Here follow replies to a few persons who have addressed him during
the past week. All " contributions" of every kind, up to the present
date, have been consigned to VULCAN, who has accepted them greedily.
ALCIBIADES. — Do not use such thick paper. It makes such bad spills.
" AMBITIOUS." — Blue lined folio, a steel pen, and a commercial hand. Are
you mad enough to think we read four lines of your four pages ?
WILLIAM SKINNER says, " These verses seem to go easily " Seem, dear
boy ? There they go into the fire, as easily as possible, bless you !
HECTOR P. — When a would-be contributor's wit is so profuse as to flow over
into his private letter, we know that he is an ass, and thank him for
saving us trouble.
W. E. M. (G.). — Your sketch is charming, the legend is witty, and we should
instantly insert both, but for the perhaps insignificant fact that they are
copied from a page in Punch, in June, 1863.
PERFERVID (I. J.) wishes us " to favour him with the reward his attempt
deserves." How can we ? The longest whip will not reach from Fleet
Street to Glasgow.
NANCIBEL " hopes one day to send something more worthy of Punch." We
can wait.
A. A. (Adelphi) apologises for " sending so large a batch of miscellaneous
sketches, mostly half-finished." They are quite finished, now.
LADKISTON (F.), curiously, sends a somewhat similar apology. He "regrets
that his packet is so bip" It was. But apology is needless, We put it
under the grate, so the chimney was in no danger. But we thank him
for his kindly thoughtfulness, all the same.
BELLONA. — We never read scented notes.
WALTER B. B. (C.D.). — If your wife was not laughing at you when she advised
you to send it, she is as great an idiot as yourself. But we imagine that
ehe wanted you snubbed, and we incline to pity her for her marriage.
F. P. J. (about Hezekiah). — No need to put (Revd.) before your signature.
The profanity of the suggestion told us what you are. Two-thirds of
such things come to us from men and women who ought to know better,
and do.
JOHN SMITH (Liverpool), being "a great collector," would like autographs
of all the Punch writers, and if any unused sketch, or that sort of thins,
is not wanted, the pleasure would be inhanced (sic). Delighted. He
shall have them in a poet or two. and we have a signature of SHAK-
SPEARE, MILTON, POPE, &c., of which we also beg his acceptance.
A SCHOOLBOY. — We won't give his address, but his conscience will tell him
that this is for him when we say that " elephant "is not spelt " ellefmit."
Dear boy, mind your books and play, and dou't call your Master "Old
Goggles."
TO ALL CORRESPONDENTS.
Volunteered Contributions Punch, never returns :
In summer he tears them, in winter he burns.
POLO I POLO I ! POLO ! ! ! In reply to half the Universe, Mr.
Punch begs leave to mention that, when played by ladies, the noble game
of Polo should be scored by a marker, who is called MARCO POLO. For
further information upon this and every other fashionable subject, see Punch's
Almanack— & priceless publication, price threepence only !
THE BABY HIPPOPOTAMUS.— The only correct portrait of this
welcome little stranger is that which has been published, by permission
of its parents, in Mr. Punch's Almanack. The picture may in truth be
termed a speaking likeness, for it will be found to answer every expectation.
BEFORE YOU PAY YOUR INCOME-TAX take care to purchase
Punch's Almanack. This will put you in good humour, and enable
you to bear the injustice of the imposition, without your running any risk of
being fined five shillings for indulging in bad language at it.
ACTS of Irish Fuith, 57
Artvice to Trades' Unionists, 105
Aid to Am-lstauK 93
.Ale or Opium? 1S8
All Round the World. 257
Another Outbreak, 165
Answer to the Kcogh Question, 35
Anti-Anti Association, 76
Anti-Canard. 145
Anti-J'hilosopher (The), 72
A»TIT»*!S 2u^To9si9, 182
AnM-Sanitary Initials, 62
Appointment Uncommon, 117
Appropriate Anthem? 10
Arduous Experiment 123
" Are all the People Mad ?" 102
Arras for Our Apartments, 262
Art for Criminals. 191
Ascending Story (An), 157
Astounding Intelligence, 212
Authority on an Art Treasure (An), 150
Automaton Bakers, 107
Autumn Manoeuvring Cricket-Match, 139
Autumn Musings . 1 i:s
Autumn Ologlcs (The), 07
A wakening Conscience (An), 146
Awkward Adjective (An), !I4
Aytton Again. 221
BAKI-.KS, Strike Home I 140
Ballad of the Babe* in the Sea, 235
Ballot and the Boobies (The), 93
Bane and Antidote, 165
Beauty and the Butcher, 22
Beef and Botany Bay, 14
Beer for the Brave ! 87
Benedictory Curses, 84
Beside the Sea, 67
Birds in Borrowed Plumes, 93
Birds out of the Bill, 63
Birthday in December (A), 252
Black against Blue, 52
Black and White, 125
Black Diamonds, 84
Blunders in Vote by Ballot, 13
Both Bides of the Question, 85
Bradshaw and Spiritualists, 74
Bravery and Booty. 44
Bridge's Triggernometry, 130
British Willow (The), 189
Butt Me No Butts, 167
CAD on Cruelty to Animals (A), 41
Cannon by Buchanan, 36
Case of Kidnapping, 197
Castro and his Friends, 14
Censorship Coming (A), 103
Chace (The), 207
Challenger, her Challenge (The), 245
Chastisement by Machinery, 197
Chelsea Pattern (The), 3
Children in Arms, 220
Chit-Chat, 48
Christmas Jottings, 267
City Article, 108
City Intelligence, 63
City of Lions (The), 64
Claim against Claimants, 123
Close Quarters, 112
Clown on Chignons (A), 44
Coal on Lyttelton, 139
Colnoy Hatch Canard, 72
Colossal Farming at the Cape, 227
Comic " Meus Couscia Recti. 67
Commons and Enclosure, 217
Companion to the Bull's-eye, 166
. n-ative Liberty, 198
( 'onsumptiou of Vitals, %t
atioti v. Confiscation, !67
County Courtship for th- CoiumonaKy,
Crackers for Christmas Parties, 206
Criminal Magnetism, 135
Crow from the Cradle (A), 198
"Crowner's Quest Law," 76
Cry of the Manacled Females (The), 73
DAMAGES Really Due, 8
Dancing under Difficulties 3
Dangers of Tea-Drtnkiug (The), 202
Darwin, not Dogberry, 248
D.C. (The), 178
Deep Subject, 188
Denbigh the Dauntless, 45
Discoveries for a Discoverer, 155
Discussion in the Dog-Days, 52
Distressing Occurrence, 41
Doctors of Economy, 83
Don't " Strike, but Hear," 1
Drawing the Line, 166
Dr. Cullen's Cookery-liook, 227
Dr. Livingstone to Dr. Pun
Drops with a Difference, 31
Drunk and Disorderly, 25
Dunstablo Lark (A), 63
ECLOGUE on the Eyre Indemnity, 28
•• Economy in Mourning, II
E'lmundsv. Ellis, 68
EBeots of the Hot Weather, «2
Effectual Fast (An), 175
Elastic Bands, 264
End and Means, 243
Epigram for an Irish Editor, 82
Epigram with Moral, 42
Equally Comfortable, 127
Essence of Parliament, 2, 11, 24, *c.
Etiquette Remarkable. 238 ..
Examinations at the Royal Academy, 14
Exemplary Heathen, 102
Exemplary Prelate, 209
HABITS of M.P.'a, 98
idapted to the French. *S«
Happine«» for the liumblett, 241
t.-h. 41
>, *c.
rwtlcn, 19«
i[ ,,,,: II,..- . '. i<^
Hawfinch at Harreet UonNI
Hawthorne at Chrihtmas, i»5
Hint (A), 64
Hints on Cheap Houses, 126
Hint to Churchwarden*. 9t
History and Mystery, 178
Hebron or Jericho, 144
,1 Hoax, 145
Holt, non Ol't, 64
to Harvey, 8
)rs of Hair- brewing, IX
,-Stenlers and Hed^e-Peeperi, U6
ble Pie, 192
M«rch of Rcllnemei.t (TbeX 117
• - ***- -* 1 Iff
Matrimonial MM •
1 M»ilo. 6J
nfM«?naCl.al»ia
H-nu fcr " My Lorda," **
Meelnorl.1 Blw, »1
idTiw«,9
MUll's MlMdreoture. 1«
Military
Hundred
Hyde Par
Us in. -11 :ll
|I>K\ .'!'al
" I:!:: I- it.
mpation)
>litic
ath it* Pjivftage, 42
M ln<Ilf M m*m ( 'I
Ministerial Dance-Moate, »T
for M-n and Brother* (A). *>T
to Mr. Punch, Ui
••«,*
Moral for Millioniuirea, KM
Autumn MMumivrea, 1»
More
Mnro
More
ndexing.
n.lirect Claims, 80
"fallible 8i*ciflc (The), m
nitials in Vogue, 91
Injustice to th» United States, S
Invention of Wine (The), liW
Irish Sclf-Government. 74
J. B.andhU ***«,««
Jerusalem the Pony. 175
Jonathan's Judgment, 13(
Jovial Teetotallers. 2«
JugMraBnth in London, 263
Juvenile Johnny's Ohrutmas (AX S67
JuTeoile S(Kirt, »1
KKIOBT of Belgravie fH»«), 8
A«ODR and Wages. 258
gxP.«tr«ctoiU«
Uft than »> A 8
Militant, than One, MJ
ore of «i than t ^r. M«
More Tine* on Knowledge, » — .
•• Meet UnMnde* Cut o? All j™**
nuch'.fcrlUmentMT >\<***
False Educationa
Fashionable Economy, Si
Festival of 8. Guy, 71 .
Fiel.l-Marshal Sir Geon» Pollock, 171
Fig for the Privy Council (A), 58
Filial Faith in Ireland, 25
First-CIass, 178 •»,
Fish and Fisherman, 119
| i,ll. :11 ' ' I I. U'l.
Lambeth HulsanoSIkfX
LanfUiige in Diagutae, 169
I*rge Farm I A). 147
I>»t Veeted Intereit (The]
Leial '
lx-g.1
Kal
e Farm fA). 147
Vested Inl«reft (TheX 125
' Chang* 1M
New., 108
Mr Pnuch'.fcrlUmentMT >\<***:l ,
the Dean and Chapter ol
Canterbury, lln
MfRoonnSl on the Military. IIS
MuteMarober(A), 157
.
eat's Sine Tafl.. 181
Myrterioa. M«uin»y. ff
Myatery and Medicine. 1 16
N* nonii. Warning ( A), «*
Natural i
uronn
Flowers of Lo'eUneskJ 9
Fool's Paradise (A), 141
Forgiveness for All, SW -
Freedom of the Bridges /The) ,233
Freeman of Glasgow (The* 147
Full Description (A). »«
GAME of Balls (AJ. 242
Gamaol Gliost(Tho), 22
GaroRer'8 Glee, 172
Goal of " Prosperity' (The), 55
Golden Age (The), 140
Good-bye, Dowse 1 217
Good Fellowship, 134
i ourage (A), VS
G roat Attractions, 2 i» _.„.,,
Green Grow the Bushes, 0 1
WKftSSSE-1..- MinWerlal,
New Compeatoe, U
Sew County.M
New Crime (The), 117
New Mode, 144
New to Me.*. 1«. 1«S
Next Generation (TheX 1*1
Mce Price«, 1»7
Nice Bum (A). 177
SicotinlMi Nation (AX •»
So Biamarck In BrlUin, M
%,. - I -V D ID (A1. I!
No End of StrilB^Hj
No for an Answer, M»
Libel on Oeneroui Liquor, «
Licensing Act MitigatioB. M
Linos or aLov.
Lino on tbo French Loan. M
Literary ProspeoU, 75
Literature. Science, and Art, 13.
Local Intelligence, 179
Lofty Example (A), JS
Longevity Made Easy. ISO
Luxurlee for Ladles, M
Mala Fide Traveliern, S07
Manly Woman, 76
\ . 1,1 rminf I
Northern Army«t .— -
s ,-i,-... - i- ipeM n i}
Sot in the Lexicon. 1*7
November Sotte, 1»
Now and Then, 74
OCCASIONAL Attempt*. W
October Fa*hi<M, 144
Old Md New Jewry .178
Old Partridgrt Complatat (Am), 111
Oil Baotttoh Bkmti 41
One Topic (TheX M
One to Rmne, 154
Onalow on Oaetro, M4
On Swallowing SattTea, 1M
• On the Oarde," »41
274
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[DECEMBER 28, 1872.
Our Mayors, 209
Our Representative Man, US, Itl, 170, &c.
Out of Danger, 149
Out of the Water- Floods, 228 .
Over-Legislation, 47
PACIFIC Triumphs. 186
Parliament out of Session, 164, 202
Passibus jEquis, 94
Past and Present, 156
Pattern States, 136
Peace at a Price, 120
Pearls from the Provincial Press, 161
Pedigree and Poet, 114
People and the Parks, 218
People you Expect to Meet, 2:!3
People you Object to Meet, 261
Pestilence of Strikes, 243
Philosopher's Pet (A), !>7
Philosophy and Fashion, 25
" Phojbus, what a Name ! " 218
Physic Gratis, 169
Piety and Parallel, 2-22
Pious Conspiracy, 47
Places and Pensions, 264
Placets and Non- Placets, 254
Plea for Plainer Dinners (A), 3
Pleasures of a Playgoer (The), 143
Point for the Prison Congress (A), 31
Police at Richmond Park, 159
Police for the People, 146
Politicians and Pedleis, 4
Poor Pussy's Nightmare, 240
Pork Pie and Poetry, 179
Postmen and Philosophers, 2.3
Pre-Consumption of Food, 51
Priests and Pedagogues, 241j
Privilege and Pikes, 85
Probatmn Est, 145
Professional Charges, 104
Progress in Fireproof, 217
Progiossive Intelligence, 51
Progress r. PuthouRO, 54
Prosperous Johu, 36
Punch at Lunch. 190, 200. 210, &c.
Punch's Pockot-Book, 252
Punch's Protest, 201
QUESTIONS for Naval Competitive Exam-
ination, 175
Questions to be Settled by Congresses, 147
Question to be Asked (A), 250
Quis Custodiet ? 224
Quite Another Thing, 220
Quotation in the City, 1 50
RAGGED School for Music Wanted (A), 22
Railings from the Embankment, 182
Railway Company's Question, 160
Rectification, 165
Refreshing Slumber, 208
Regular Disraelism, 117
Return of the Admiral (The), 242
Right Name for Him (The), -I'M
Rights and Lefts, 555
Rights of the Working-Men (The), 108
Rights of Women (The), 129
Riots and Responsibility, 105
Rising of the Waters (The), 202
Rites and Liberties, 243
Ritualism Well Reported, 13
Roman Aquatics, 72
Romanesque Dissenters, 164
Round with Blackie (A), 35
SABBATARIAN Bore (The), 135
Sabbatarianism and Sobriety, 172
Sabbatarian Point Scored, 63
Sagacity of the Snake, 51
Saint for a Sovereign (A), 182
Scandalous Old Soldiers, 133
Scotch Show ut Sydenham, 54
Seasonable Intelligence, 206
Season (The), 1
Served with a Staff, 32
Serve them Right. 137
Shakspeare at a Wedding, 32
Shirt-Sleeves and Aprons, 96
Sirloin Superseded (The), 7S
Six and Half a Dozen, 179«
Slaves of the Oven. 14
Slight to a Saint, 164
Softer Species (TheX 36
Solemn Sense or Nonsense t 77
Something Graceful, 218
Something Short, 95
Song about Shooting-Stars, 246
Song by a Noble Savage, 31
Song of a London Scot, 111
Song of a Sot, 107
Souvenirs and their Sequel, 165
Spark of Self-Help, 117
Special Military Intelligence, 28
Stanzas to a Spy, 187
Startling, if True, 86
Stokers in the Street, 263
Stones from the Sky, 10
Stoppage at Salford (A), 155
Strange Antagonists, 108
Strange Quest (A), 228
Stroke at a Strike, 251
Successor to Peter Quince, 83
Success to Selbonie, 186
Sumptuary Sabbatarianism, 41
Sunday Lions for the Select, 14
" Sweet Phosphor, bring the D.iy," 41
Sympathy of Kind, 75
TALK against Time, 54
Teach the Teachers, 166
(Teai Drinking Song. 127
Teeth and Oi sters. 97
Teetotallers' Table Talk. 32
Temperance Food and Drink. 239
Templars and Te mporanee, 209
Terrible Advertisement (A), 257
Terrible Invention (A). 2
Test for Travellers. 116
Testimonial Well Deserved (A), 23
Thames and its Urban Tributaries, 77
Themes of the Day, '-':!
Theocracy'in Japan, 86
Thought in Trafalgar Square, 186
" Thought is Free," 1119
Throe Oood Courses, 242
Three Million and a Half of Soldiers, 134
Toast and Butter, 192
To Lawyers. 104
Toll-de rol-lol ! 187
'IVnc and " Tunding," 224
To Spiritualists, 12
Touchy Travellers, 88
Tourists' Remembrancer (The), 17, 72,
86, &c.
Tracts by Victor Hu»o, 108
Trade Imitation, 187
Trap to Catch a Joke (A), 217
Traveller by Coach, 130
Triumph of Spiri'ualism (A), loo
Truly Liberal Policy, 264
Turning the Tables, 155
Two Doors to Fortune, 30
Two Great Events, 908
Twopence More, 112
Two Truths. Ill
r.u.iiAX Civilisation, 21
Ultramontane Protestants. l:>7
Unco Quid ! 83
L'n Mauv,.is Quart d'Heurfl, -'. 5
Unseasonable Demands, S3
Untrustworthy Memoir, 97
VACATION Labours, 127
Vitality of Ills. 229
Viva la Liberia ! «3
Voice from the Valleys (A), 9
WAKINO Thoughts, 15
Walk in Hot Weather (A), 111
Wanted, 245
Wanted a Father, 91
Warrior on War (A), 111
Water and Wolf, 154
Wedding the Shannon, 145
Weighty Intelligence, 23
" Welcome back, Bobbies," 242
Welcome Vacation, 74
Wet. but Welcome. 26*
What Else did He do? ins
What have they All been Doing ? 149
What the Box says, 104
Wheels within Wheels, 129
Where are They ? 168
Whistlebinkie, 77
Why I am Staying in Town. 103
" Why Should'the Poor be Flattered ? " 12
Wide Area (A), 39
Winchester Measure, 241
Wise Men of the West (The), 32
Woman's Own Work, 113
Women with Wings, 171
Wonders of the Seaside. 105
Word of Welcome (A), 232
Word on Strikes (A), 147
Words and their Worth, 256
Words and Wind, 64
Word with the Novelists, 125
Wrong in the Ilea-l, 1ST
Wrong Man An.vhow (The), 18S
Wykeham's Choice at Winchester, 216
Y/ooi on the Koos (A), 186
LARGE ENGRAVINGS.
*. " ADOLPIIE the Alchemist," 49
Astral Redux ! 183
Conservative Programme (The), 5
Dream of Stoneheu»e. 1872 (A). 109
Extinguished* 17
Good Beginning ; or Little Boy Ballot's
Firht Stop in Life (A), 79
" llumbl.: Pie." 1!I3
Imperil] Witches. 99
Injured Innocence, 59
Jeddo and Belfast ; or, a Puzzle for
Japan, 89
Leicester Square, 151
Loving Cup (The\ 131
Ministerial Odd Man (The), 69
Monsieur Hamlet, 237
Muddleby Junction, 161
"My Old Friend Homer." 247
Pity the Poor Garotters ! 173
Pro Ar(e)is et Focis. 225
Prosperous John, 37
Return of Ulysses (The), 203
Sr.pt-> Cerberus (A), 259
"Strike Home !" 141
Th it. Dallot-Boy Again. 27
' When Greek MeetsCrcek," 213
Who's to Pay? 121
Wet, but Welcome, 263
SMALL ENGRAVINGS.
ABERDEEN Boys and Artist, 13
Adam's Fall Explained, lt»0
Americans taking Umbrage, 1S9
Anecdotes of Australian Beef, 263
Archery and Stiffness, 186
Autumn Manoeuvres. 124
Baby calls a Spade a Spade, 130
Baby's Discipline, 202
Bachelor's Question at Croquet, 94
Bag of Game (A), 221
Beggar poing to the Seaside (A), 64
Best of Church— Coming Out, 83
Bethnal Green Museum, 233
Betsy Jane and her Panier, 9
Brown's Opinion on a Costume, 176
Bull's Picture (The), 252
Buttons's Resignation, 179
Can't Hpell without Teeth, 135
Carrying One's Own Luggage, 120
Case of Consumption (A), 155
Christian Ministers or Christy Min-
strels ? 147
Cloudlets like Cold Gravy, 166
Coachman's Use of a Family Carriage,
(A I. 108
Cockney and Pensive Fisherman, 146
Cockney on Highlanders (A), 154
Looking" Foolish, 63
Cook using B .d Words (A), 528
Cum f<irt in Gloves. 250
Costume for Harvest Time, t
Danp -r of Scolding the Cook, 23
Daui<-l has had Onions at Dinner, 45
Dan's Change of Trousers, 42
Declining a Noun, 232
Pistineuishetl Foreigner's English, 48
Dolly Varden Mask (The), 134
Duchees and Amateur Tenor, 16
Effect of DininK Out. 209
F-niraged for Every Dance, 4
English Tourists and Italian Sculpture,
194
Examination in English History, 262
Farmer Robinson's Apple*, 218*
Female Surgeon (A), 113
Few Hours at Wimbledon (A), 3
Fishing for a Title. 254
Forgetting to Salute, 220
Foim'ain Closed - past Twelve, 243
Four Quarters of the World (The), 208
Oallant. PuMioan (The), 127
General under Control (A), 198
Oeorpy and his Tool- Box. 41
Highland Piper and the Elder (The), 177
Holidays and the Dentist (The), 58
Huntsman's Prescription (A), 1P6
Indian Colonel's Application, 74
Intrepid Lady and Stubborn Horse, 102
Irish Footman's Reckoning of Time
(An). 105
Irish Gentleman's Name (An), 44
Irishman and Trouts (An), 75
Irish Wager (An), 251
Jewish Reading of Disraeli's Speech, 8
Kiss in a Hi •!. Wind (A), 165
Lady at an Election (A). 211!
Lady Depressed in Spirits (A), 224
Lancashire Miner's Tobacco. f>5
London School in a HiyfiVM ( \), (i!
Machine for the Royal Academy, 21
Mary and her Mistress. 199
Mary Anne's " Dolly Yarding," 82
Militia Prisoner under Guard (A), 114
Miss Mundayne is Civil to Girls, 68
Money or Cider! 137
Mr. Hawkins and Mr. Jawkins, 207
Mr. Punch and the Weather, 211
Mr. Punch's Idea of the Cattle-Show,
255
Mr. Shoddy and the South Danubians,
182
" Mutiny— to pay the Bills," 246
No Brandy-Flask 1 14 (
No Need for a Nose, 150
Not Afraid of a Hare, 217
Not so Fond of Policemen, 229
Not Tall for his Age, 116
•' Not the Story of King Alfred," 31
Old Musical Student (An), 241
" Our Joe " at Drill, 32
Papa's Portrait. 26
Papa's Return fiom Australia, 125
Part in Theatricals (A), 268
Photographer's Advice (A), 258
Poor Pussy's Nightmare, 240
Poppet in the Park, 30
Preference for Elder Ladies, 172
Present of Coals (A), 136
Publican's Customer (A), 157
Rain in the Highlands, 40
Result of Shortsightedness, 236
Royal Consumption of Jam, 83
Scarlet Fever v. Acquaintanceship, 140
Schoolboy Stamp Collector (The). 55
Schoolmaster on Degrees of Colour (A),
156
Short Bed at the Sea-side (A), 88
Shunting the Queen, 85
Singing Tea-Kettle (The), 187
Sleeping in Bathine-Machinos, 92
Soundest Sleep in Church (The). 53
Speaking well of a Husband, 197
Spelling 'Taters with a P, 104
Squire and the Grocer (The), 188
Stout Partner (A). 265
Such a Saddle of Mutton ! 103
Sunset and the Scullery, 73
Swell who does not Keep a Brougham,
• 20
Teapots with a Quick Sale, 145
Toilette a la Shepherdess, 10
Toilette Table (The), 112
Tommy Bodkin's Hat, 12
Too Much, but not Enough, 72
Too Young to Wear Low Bodies, 36
Troops who will see the Review, 117
T«o Fathers (The), 206 'Z
Two Music-Masters (The), 212
Uncle George saying Grace, 192
Under the Mistletoe. 272
Value of a Tedious Journey, 169
Visit and a Visit Returned (A), 98
Which ? The Rhine, Dieppe, or Rams-
gate? 78
Worsted Socks v. Botaniaing, 84
Would-be Clerk in the Post-Office (A)
168
Printed by Jon.-p.ii Smitn, ot No. 24, Holford Square, In the Parish of St. Jam.'i. Clerkenwell, m the County of Middleim, »t the Printing i >ffl<..'» of tUnn. Bradbury Agm-w, * Co., Iximbyl
AP Punch
101
P8
1872
PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE
CARDS OR SLIPS FROM THIS POCKET
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