Comedy for Connie

Parking Lot Altercation - SNL

It’s wild that you had to know how to spell a word enough to look it up to spell check it

VP Debate 2024 Cold Open | Kamala and Doug watch the VP debate from home. | By Saturday Night Live | Doug, honey, where are you? The debate's about to start. Is I, Doug. Looks like I gotta notify the secret service because we are under a snack attack. Oh. Dougie, I am feeling good tonight. We have got momentum. Liz Cheney is about to endorse me and Bruce Springsteen. Bruce Springsteen. Let me say that again and Bruce Springsteen. Whoo. Cuz baby I was born to run. Hey and the polls are looking great and I may have accidentally googled myself too. Turns out some people are calling me a grilf. Which means Golden Retriever I'd like to French. Huh. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. That's probably wrong. Yeah. Anyway when Joe Biden said see you later. Did he mean he was coming over tonight? No he went back to the White House. Oh looks like it's just Mamala and Pooh Bear. Hm. Dougie. Alright. Alright. Let's watch. Okay. Hello and welcome to the CBS Vice Presidential Debate. I'm Nora O'Donnell. I'm Margaret Brennan. Now, let's say hello and then goodbye for the next four years to our vice presidential candidates, JD Vance and Tim Walz. Handshake. I like this guy. Gentlemen, welcome to the debate. Mister Vance, please give your opening statement. Thank you for having me. I want to begin with something that will appeal to women voters. I understand that both moderators tonight are mothers and I like that. And Governor Walls, it looks like you're already scribbling a bunch of notes. Are you preparing your answers? Nah, I I gotta grade these papers. Gotta stack midterms. Okay, we begin tonight with the topic of Israel. Senator Vance, how would you solve the ongoing crisis in the Middle East? You know, that is such an important question, Margaret. One that deserves an answer because it's important and it's a question that you asked of me tonight. You're not going to answer, are you? No, I'm not. And Governor Wall, same question to you. Uh I don't know the answer so I'm going to just say the word fundamental a bunch. Cuz debating is 30% fun and 70% demental. How am I doing? Okay. Okay. He's out there. He's doing his thing. Whatever that may be. Come on, just relax. You know, you haven't had a night off in three months. Do you want to watch something less stressful like the Menendez Brothers Show? I don't know, Dougie. I kind of wish I had picked Josh right now. Oh, Josh Shapiro? No, Josh. It's Cabernet. Look, Tim will be fine. It's not like he's going to say something crazy. I become friends with school shooters. Okay, little flop there. You know what Doug, you were right. Let's watch something more fun. Ooh, like a rerun of my debate. Remember when I said his crowds were tiny and I broke his brain. Of course. Of course I do. Look, this isn't easy for me either. As a goofy white guy, this really sets my fellas back. I'm in a group chat with Josh Gad and Jason Kelsey and the mood is dark. We now turn to the gotcha portion of the debate. Senator Vance, you called Donald Trump America's Hitler. Do you regret that? Well, the context matters. I meant that as a compliment. Wow, this guy is good. He's got an answer for everything. Thank you. That's quite kind. Hey, you're welcome. Okay. Uh I'm not not sure why you two are connecting but let's move on. Governor Walls, you claimed you were in Hong Kong during the 1989 Tiennaman Square Massacre when you were home in Minnesota. Can you explain that? So, I think what happened is I went to Epcot. You can go around the whole world and I had a couple in the Germany section and I thought I went to China. Anyway, I'm a knucklehead but I'm sure this guy has some some things he'd want to, you know, back out of his well. He's right about that. That's that's an area where we have a lot of common ground. Why are they friends? Why are they vibing? Hey, Mamala, it's Joe Biden. I can't talk right now. Tell him I'm not here. No, no, like he's in the room. Oh. You're not, you're not here. I'll come back soon. No, no, no, Joe. It's nice and dry. Ah. Ah you've been watching this guy. Come on Walz. What's wrong with that guy? He's crazy. Get your facts straight Jack. You gotta hit him with a no joke. Here's the deal. Let me be clear. Guess what? And by the way, you should be talking about all the great things we've done. Gas prices down. Porter crossings down. Emmies for the bear, down. Everybody get down. Tonight. And now we turn to reproductive rights. Governor Walls, what would you do on this issue? Uh you know, in Minnesota, we restored a woman's right to choose because we trust women and in Minnesota, we also happen to have the lowest teen pregnancy rights probably because everyone's wearing a lot of layers and eating a lot of lake fish. Just not a horny place. And Senator Vance, your favorability rating on this issue is negative 100. What is your current stance? Yeah, Republicans need to do much better on this issue of building trust back with voters. That's why I'm keeping all my real opinions up here. Well we'd like to end tonight on the topic of democracy. Senator Vance your running mate refused to accept the results of the last election. Would you have certified the results? You know Nora it's rich to say that Donald Trump is a threat to democracy when he peacefully gave over power. We said no fact checking. And willingly and willingly don't check that. Got on his plane without incident. Don't right after saving Obamacare. Don't check that. Well, if if we're allowed to stand up here and lie, then I would like to say I actually was in Tiena Mint Square. And and you know what? There's 10 seconds on the clock here and I I gotta get some points on the board here so I'm just going to chuck a Hail Mary. Senator will you admit that Donald Trump lost the election? You know Tim I'm focused on the future. Boom. It's good. Honey, we did it. We got the sound bites. What are the pollsters saying? Well, this is a huge victory. It made no difference. That's right. Hey, Carol. Let me get you. Let me get you a little bit of a pep talk. Here's the deal. I'm being serious right now. Come on. Look at me. Serious right now. It's about the president. Pardon me. The Vice President doesn't matter. Well. I mean who the hell knows who the hell who the hell was Obama's VP? Nobody knows. You know that? That was you. That was you. You're going to make a great partner. And when you're done it'll be my turn. Biden 2028. And one more thing.

Carrot Cake-Inspired Loaf Bread Is Packed with Protein