Captain Marvel

(spoilers!)

Colossal

Gloria (Anne Hathaway) is an out-of-work blogger and an alcoholic mess, who, after getting kicked out of her apartment by her boyfriend Tim (Dan Stevens), is forced to leave her life in New York and move back to her hometown.When she arrives she reconnects with her childhood friend, Oscar (Jason Sudeikis) who is an owner of a bar. Oscar hires Gloria as  a waitress and helps her get back on her feet.

When news reports surface that a giant creature is destroying Seoul, South Korea, Gloria gradually comes to the realization that she is somehow connected to his far-off phenomenon. As events begin to spin out of control, Gloria must determine why her seemingly insignificant existence has such a colossal effect on the fate of the world.

The Conjuring 2

Three years ago James Wan gave us one of the best horror movies in recent years in The Conjuring which introduced us to new horror heroes Lorraine and Ed Warren, gave us the spin off in Annabelle and got everyone afraid of the clapping sound. And now Wan and the main characters return in The Conjuring 2, a film that, while only slightly, is actually better than the predecessor.

Crimson Peak

(spoilers!)
Before I discuss the many problems Crimson Peak unfortunately has, let's just get this out of the way - this is the finest haunted house in cinema since Alejandro Amenabar directed The Others, back in 2001. The house in Crimson Peak is a true marvel - beautifully designed, meticulously planned and definitely worth seeing on the big screen. As advertised, this is the house that breathes and bleeds - the wind sounds like wailing, the red clay spilling through wooden boards looks like blood. This house is truly magnificent and one of the strongest things in the movie.

The Counselor

Imagine that you are a cook. In fact, you are an excellent cook. You've spent the whole day cooking delicious meals of many different cuisines. By the end of the day you are left with various ingredients. They are all superb individually, but they don't make sense together. You could come up with some new sort of meal and make it delicious, you have a talent for it. But instead you go the easy way - you put them in a shit-stainted shaky bowl, you say it's great and you serve it to your customers.

Carrie (2013)

And just like the Devil keeps coming back, so do Carrie remakes.

We all know the story of shy Carrie White. Living in the house with her religiously fanatical mother, bullied by her school mates and finally invited to the prom which goes horribly wrong. Because another thing about Carrie is - she has the power of telekinesis. And that's what makes her someone you really do not want to bully.

The Conjuring

I remember siting in the theatre more than a decade ago (God, I'm so freaking old...) and watching The Others. During one particularly intense jump scare, when the medium found the kids hiding in the closet, a woman who was sitting in the row few seats away from me jumped so high her popcorn fell out of the bucket. When I saw The Conjuring a woman in my row was weeping actual tears. It happened during the finale of the film and I'm not sure why it was, out of fear or because what was on the screen was so intense.

Casino

There is a certain problem one has to deal with while reviewing movies you absolutely adore. Instead of writing about them, you should just watch them again. But since I said I'll review Casino for RorschachReviews and on the odd chance there are those out there who haven't seen that splendid movie and I have the opportunity to encourage them to do so, I shall now review one of my all time favorite films. And I'll probably see it again afterwards.

Cloud Atlas

Cloud Atlas is an adaptation of David Mitchell's novel of the same title, that everyone has always labeled “unfilmable”. Having seen the film I must agree with that statement - they might have made a film, but is it truly a film if most of it is boring, unwatchable string of scenes? Not since The Tree of Life had I seen the movie that collapses on itself in such a spectacular matter. Come to think of it, I'd rather sit through The Tree of Life again, which has one thing Cloud Atlas doesn't - subtlety - than watch this mess. Cloud Atlas has ambition and many layers. The problem is that each of those layers is more uninteresting than the previous one.

Compliance

Compliance is the scariest movie I've seen in a very long time. It's not a horror film but it has one element that always frightens me - stupidity. It is mind blowing how stupid some people can be. We are supposed to be the most intelligent species on Earth? If there is extraterrestrial life out there and they can see what we do each day they are laughing their asses off. But the thing that makes this movie frightening is that every single bit of it that you see on the screen actually happened.

Changeling

Woman's whisper, mother's cry

Carrie

Fire walk with me

The Cabin in the Woods

85/100 (95 min, 2012)
Plot: Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind the cabin in the woods.
Director: Drew Goddard
Writers: Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard
Stars: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth and Anna Hutchison

Run, fall, die

Welcome to the horror galore - "The Cabin in the Woods" is one of the most praised horror films of the past 20 years and rightfully so. Not only is it a skillful horror film, it's also a biting satire on the movie production, audiences, typical storytelling cliches and a parody and at the same time a homage to many classic horror movies. It's outrageous, funny, scary, gory and very satisfying.

From the creators of "Buffy", "Cloverfield" and "Frefly" comes a story that mixes all of those, despite the fact you wouldn't suspect it does - the film begins like an ordinary slasher flick - five young people, being quite stereotypical bunch from such a horror film, go on a trip to the remote cabin, to party, have sex and have fun. Of course there will be a bloodshed, as if always happens when you are a stereotypical horror movie character, but there is also a second plot of the movie, featuring enigmatic characters played by Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford that holds a key to this mystery.

Carnage

74/100 (79 min, 2011)
Plot: Two pairs of parents hold a cordial meeting after their sons are involved in a fight, though as their time together progresses, increasingly childish behavior throws the evening into chaos.
Director: Roman Polanski
Writers: Yasmina Reza (based on the play by: "Le Dieu du carnage"), Yasmina Reza (screenplay)
Stars: Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz

...and the hamster runs free

"Carnage" is one of the most unusual movies Roman Polanski ever made - it's far from being his best, but as his previous movie "The Ghost Writer" there are only few key players here and they are all that matters. The world in "Carnage" is hermetic as well - almost entire film takes place in one apartment, during one conversation. Despite that the film is engaging - the four people talking in that apartment are so different that they are bound to explode. It's the fact that this explosion never really leads anywhere is the film's biggest flaw.

Two couples played by Jodie Foster, John c. Reilly, Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz meet to write a statement - first couple's- Penny and Michael - son was struck with a stick by mischievous son of Nancy and Alan. First things are polite - Penny, although very uptight and shocked by an event pretends to be all right. Michael acts like a supportive husband and kind guy. Nancy is nice to the hostess, acts reasonable while her husband Alan continuous to talk via his phone, ignoring everyone, occasionally using sarcasm and clearly not being very interested by the whole thing.

Contagion

83/100 (106 min, 2011)
Plot: A thriller centered on the threat posed by a deadly disease and an international team of doctors contracted by the CDC to deal with the outbreak.
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writer: Scott Z. Burns
Stars: Matt Damon, Kate Winslet and Jude Law

Don't Touch Anyone

Behold, the scariest movie of the year.
Do you remember that retarded little film called "The Happening" that was in the cinemas few years ago? Well, in that film M. Night Shyamalan was trying to scare us...using the wind that spread plant toxins. He didn't figure out, along with the writers, that if you are going to scare people using something as unorthodox as wind, you need to make sure we are familiar with possible dangers of it and we are already scared of it. "Contagion" contains three things everyone fears - the disease, the unknown and death. And it manages to scare us...with a single cough.

Conan the Barbarian

25/100 (113 min, 2011)
Plot: The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.
Director: Marcus Nispel
Writers: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer
Stars: Jason Momoa, Ron Perlman and Rose McGowan

Blood and shit

Sometimes as I watch a movie, I'm beginning to wonder - am I a masochist? I mean I literally have no clue to what possessed me to watch this film. Perhaps the fact that two movies, which also seemed incredibly silly - "Clash of the Titans" and "Prince of Persia" turned out to be entertaining. "Conan the Barbarian" has about three good things in it and that's it. It's not the worst movie that is out there - in the sea of pretentious and boring indie movies and genuinely despicable crap like "The Human Centipede" it's still a harmless "entertainment". It's not boring, I'd give it that. It is however insanely predictable and stupid.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

(118 min, 2011)
Plot: Cal (Steve Carell) and Emily (Julianne Moore) have the perfect life together living the American dream... until Emily asks for a divorce. Now Cal, Mr Husband, has to navigate the single scene with a little help from his professional bachelor friend Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling).
Directors: Glenn Ficarra, John Requa
Writer: Dan Fogelman
Stars: Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling and Julianne Moore

The only one?

I'm gonna sell this movie to you right here right now. Ready? It's the best romantic comedy since “Love Actually”. It's not as good, it's not as funny, but in the sea of mediocre comedies with the obligatory presence of 1) never ending swearing 2) marijuana 3) forced pro-family messages in the end so that nobody would accuse the film of being cheap and stupid, “Crazy stupid love” which doesn't have any of those things is a breath of fresh air.

You may not like Steve Carell, the departure of whom from “The Office” I still mourn, but he is the heart of this movie. He is very funny, easy to relate to and nothing he says, even if it's dangerously close to being sentimental sounds cheap. The movie has very odd pairing – it has Carell, who appeared in silly comedies for years now and Ryan Gosling, who does serious dramas, mostly indie ones. I have seen most of Gosling's movies and I would never suspect him of being capable of being that hilarious. He is. He is the true star of the movie – from the funny one liners to the continuous looks of disgust he gives Carell as he looks at his wardrobe and behavior, Gosling steals every scene from professional comedian Carrel. He also has this way about him – you see him picking up all those ladies and you don't question it. He is the kind of guy you would love to go home with.

Chloe

(96 min, 2009)
Plot: A doctor hires an escort to seduce her husband, whom she suspects of cheating, though unforeseen events put the family in danger.
Director: Atom Egoyan
Writers: Erin Cressida Wilson (screenplay), Anne Fontaine (motion picture "Nathalie")
Stars: Julianne Moore, Amanda Seyfried and Liam Neeson
(spoilers)

Hairpin fiasco

This movie had a potential but one of the worst casting decisions I've seen blew it. That and in addition implausible script, but sometimes the actors are so good, you try hard not to notice how silly the story really is. However, Amanda Seyfried has managed to screw up so badly, even actors like Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore at their finest cannot rescue „Chloe”.

I have no idea who thought casting Seyfried as exclusive hooker would be a good idea. She doesn't have the looks for it. You know, how the reviewers write things like „an actress of unique beauty” when they don't wanna say someone is far from being beautiful? Yeah, that's the case. She has nice body and very pretty hair, but out of thousands of hookers in the world the idea that this one would actually get clients is just preposterous. Bulging eyes don't make her interesting. But that's not the worst - she acts slutty, she behaves in a vulgar way, common way, without giving viewer a hint of knowledge that she would actually be capable of making a man desire her. She was supposed to be mysterious and fascinating, instead that whole performance is forced and laughable. To call her 'whorish' in this film would be a compliment, I find the word itself to have more class than her performance. When trailer triumphantly says 'and Amanda Seyfried as Chloe” I guess it was supposed to drag all the „Mamma Mia” fans to the theater. Horrible, horrible casting. I mean are we really in such deep crisis that we don't have beautiful young actress? Is Scarlett and Angelina all we got? Amanda should stick to the roles like her work in “Big Love” and “Jennifer's Body”. This is, well, out of her league.

The Constant Gardener

(129 min, 2005)
Director: Fernando Meirelles
Writers: Jeffrey Caine (screenplay), John le Carré (based on the novel by)
Stars: Ralph Fiennes, Rachel Weisz and Danny Huston

The Ghost of Her.

“You want me to come home. But I am home.”

British diplomat Justin Quayle (Ralph Fiennes) meets the impulsive activist Tessa (Rachel Weisz), marries her quickly at her behest and takes her on diplomatic mission in Kenya. When Tessa is brutally murdered, Justin decides to investigate her death against the strong wish of his superiors to let the matter quietly disappear. He discovers a powerful mystery involving the members of the British High Commission and the not-so-savory business practices of the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical industry. In the process of learning the secrets of his powerful enemies, Justin must learn all of his wife's many secrets as well and he finally gets to know her.

I saw “The Constant Gardener” years ago and it had a powerful impact on me. The movie is masterfully made and the story is complex but built around unique love, one that's not often seen in the movies. Justin and Tessa meet in passionate circumstances. He is peacefully giving the lecture and she suddenly starts yelling at him, demanding answers for why England is at war and why are diplomatic procedures ignored. Justin tries to answer her politely and calm her down, yet she keeps yelling. Everyone else leaves and embarrassed Tessa apologizes and invites him over for a drink. They talk, laugh, make love. Soon Tessa asks Justin to take her to Africa with him. Enchanted by interesting girl he agrees and they marry.

Crank

(88 min, 2006)
Plot: Professional assassin Chev Chelios learns his rival has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops.
Directors: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Writers: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Stars: Jason Statham, Amy Smart and Carlos Sanz

 

You Stop - You Die

“Well, I'm glad to hear that. Listen, I've been fatally poisoned, there's probably a psychopath heading over there to torture and kill you as we speak, but don't bother getting out of bed, I'll be there in a flash... Maybe you could fry me up a waffle or something, kay?”
- Chev Chelios

“Crank” is one of the most unique movies I even seen. I know what some of you're thinking “sure, uniquely bad!”, but trust me there is a method and a plan in this insanity. My friend recommend me this because of Jason Statham and I knew it was an action movie. That is all. I didn't know that this is the “action movie on acid” experience – everything is so fast, furious, the action spins out of control. This is the movie that goes beyond boundaries of the genre but doesn't exceeds the limits of what is truly obscene as “Crank 2” does, which took everything further, making it completely different movie from the first one. Because of that “Crank”, as outrageous as it may seem, is still perfectly watchable without you going as insane as main character seems to be.

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is a professional assassin working for the West Coast crime syndicate. Chev's girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) doesn't know what Chev does and Chev is planning to quit the crime syndicate so he can spend more time with her. But for Chev, things about to get very bad, when he learns he has been injected with a poison called "The Beijing Cocktail" by his rival Verona, which will kill him if his heart rate drops. Trying to stay alive and seeking help from friend, Kaylo and Doc Miles, to keep his heart pumping. Chev sets out to find answers as well as protecting Eve, and get his revenge on those who have betrayed him before the poison kills

For 90 minutes of this movie Statham is pissed off beyond limits, driving, running and walking around the city and basically destroying everything in his line of sight with his bare hands, occasionally having sex with his girlfriend, in the middle of Chinatown or during driving the car and shooting bad guys. And he is awesome at it. I read somewhere that “Statham is like a wet cloth that fills the hole which was created after Stallone and Schwarzenegger left action movies”. Now, I've been harsh in my reviews at times, but I will never be as tactless as the reviewer who wrote it. Not to mention he is totally wrong.

Because not only Statham is an amazing action star – he's also very funny. In “Snatch” one look was enough to make me laugh, in “Mean Machine” he steals the movie with barely few scenes he appeared in and here the source of the comedy lies mainly in Statham himself and in his voice. So here we have him, running, shooting, killing, injecting himself with everything he finds, yelling, swearing. But he takes a break and in a soft voice he says “Honey, get dressed”. Eve/Chev interactions are the funniest parts of the movie, including one of the most shocking and original love scenes. Eve always seems to be either high or just totally clueless and adorable, which make her a complete opposite of sharp-focused and extremely angry Chev..

Despite the fact that this movie is mostly for guys as opposed to “Crank 2” Chelios is a sympathetic enough character so the girls will have fun too. Now, had Stallone or Schwarzenegger played him that wouldn't be the case. Chev is at least sweet to his girlfriend, all right, not at all times, but at least for good reasons. I definitely prefer Statham's character in “Transporter” who is a little bit like James Bond himself, always in a suit, always in fancy car, always a gentleman, but “Crank” is better movie in the fact it keeps pushing the boundaries and because of the incredible pace viewer starts to feel like character, which after a while we realize is just impossible to kill.

I like how the movie doesn't take itself seriously - in the restaurant scene, when Jason Statham was explaining to Amy Smart what he did for living, her hiccups were genuine. The sole purpose of movies like this is to keep the viewer entertained - “Crank” does it and sneaks in some great ideas – surreal scene in the elevator, dozens of movie and video game connections and totally mndblowing action sequences, Statham is said to do his own stunts, well if that's the case then God must have a soft spot for him, given that he is still alive and well.

This is not the movie for everyone – Chinatown scene alone may be too much for some people. It's also so fast, some people compare the movie to video game – after the movie is over you'll be as tired as if you were Chev yourself, doing all the shooting and running. And it's not enough to see “Crank” to guarantee you'll like “Crank 2”, despite all the similarities - first part is a fun, a bit shocking action film, but second is a full blown exploitation movie. I heard there will be Crank 3. In 3D. After first movie you'll have a slight headache, after the second movie you're gonna have to lie down for few hours, but I cannot even imagine what they will show us in third part, especially in 3D. We may not survive this.

67/100