Let's Ride An Italian Stallion To Stationary Independence!

If you’re like me this summer, the word 'vacation' has no meaning. Isn't that awesome? Think of all the stab-happy hillbillies you won't have to flee, the cell phone signals in your office so strong they'll leave bruises, and the now unnecessary adorable but sickle-wielding Amish kids who hate you because corn told them they should.

That’s right, think positive. We're not talking about all the pina coladas we're not drinking, the fanny packs not usefully serving as storage and belly fat coverup or the license plate keychains we don’t even get to search through for our names. If you mention such glories of vacation, I'll have my cell phone signal punch you in the face.

So to combat the utter sluggishness of, you know, not going anywhere, let's GO somewhere! Virtually! It's like a futuristic road trip without the leg cramps and motion sickness.

First, break out that gold chain and spray tan for The Blood Sprayer's Italian Invasion! The always busy horror site is busting with special posts on giallo, Bava, cannibalism, and more. It's way better than Domino's pizza, unless you're drunk and Domino's pizza is then way better than just about anything in the world that ever existed ever. If you need a starting point, head yonder here for my own review of my frenemy Dario Argento's 1987 pseudo-Phantom adaption, Opera. 

Yup, this happens.

My, that was exotic! International even! We need to balance this virtualation with some good old fashioned American moviedom, namely, a bunch of indie flicks over at Rogue Cinema.This month, I reviewed the found footage horror Evil Things and the unique mystery Dogs Lie. There's plenty more in the August Issue, including an interview with Tim "Doll Man" (or more excitingly to me, Gangland) Thomerson.

He's the one that reallllllly wants to get to Arizona.

Wasn’t that fun? And look, there was no humorless fondling by TSA agents or socially awkward hitchhikers to make us feel uncomfortable with the stat of Texas. Heck, nobody even broke into our house when we were gone to steal our famous jewels and then get stuck inside an evil death trap orchestrated by our no-good exterminator! 

Maybe vacations aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Keep telling yourself that Emily.

Your Public Service Announcement For a Fine Friday

Thrust it...

...on over to The Bloodsprayer.com for something very, very very, very special.

Hurry folks. Get there before you have to sell it!

Friday Fixins

Bleh. January.

Not that one (though Betty Draper does make me use words that would make Dexter's sister-wife blush).


I'm talking this month, this cold, dry skinning, icy sidewalked month. It's a sloggish time for weather and work, and can you believe it? We still have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS for the inevitably amazing The Roommate. Sigh. We need some form of refreshment and thankfully, I've got a few random bursts of sunshine to shine your way.

First off, it's weekend vacation time with the virgins! In simpler terms, head over to The Blood Sprayer for my post on horror cinema's most complicated good girls (and boy) and while you're there, stick around for some truly spectacular content from an array of talented writers. It's like a Godiva box of chocolates without the hazelnut!

Psst. By the way, I'll give you a kitten if you can successfully prove you ever predicted you'd live to see Queen Amidala French kissing Sheitan.

Also, an exciting announcement from one of my most favoritest blogs out there: Planet of Terror is going pod! Cortez (the Killer) and the mysterious Complaint Department have started a podcast, an exciting burst of audio pleasure you can currently find streaming here. Get to it!


Lastly, this is your friendly reminder to prepare yourself for littleness. We're just 11 days away from The Deadly Doll's House First (Maybe) Annual February of the Vertically Challenged Villains Month du Shorties!  It's a long title for a short month. I'm ironic like that.

On my slate thus far, expect 28 days of posts including, but not limited to the following:


Blood gnomes, black devil dolls from hell, puppet people, puppets, dolls, dangerous worry dolls, ghoulies, klowns, evil fetuses, evil babies possessed by sinful dwarfs, carnivorous tree babies, leprechauns, dummies, sociopathic children, brainwashed backwoods children, murderous African tribal dolls, more dolls, bad seeds, and the incarnation of angry aborted fetuses come to life in the form of homicidal midgets!

Contain your excitement (or wig, in the '90s slang kinda way) and get your posts ready!

Get a Life...force

But not at this unswanky joint! You want naked alien vampires, angry nun zombies, dried out bat people and some Patrick Stewart face melting? Pack up your day bag and head over to one of (okay, really THE) best horror websites on this wild wild web, The Blood Sprayer! No raincoats required.

Over yonder, I'll be joining a kicking all-star team (wherein I'll probably be picking daisies in right field). We're right in the middle of the first Dan O'Bannon Week, a whole seven days with multiple posts devoted to the late great sci-fi master. I'm today's party pooper, as delving into his 1985 big budget flop collaboration with Tobe Hooper was certainly NOT the best way to honor a man responsible for far greater work (including Alien and one of my absolute favorites, Total Recall).


So head over to The Blood Sprayer to read my take, and stay for the far happier articles on all things O'Bannon. It will make your life better.


Another way to achieve the same effect? Queuing up Total Recall.

Because that my friends, is happiness in a disguise bomb.