Mummy Madness

I’ve never been the biggest fan of mummies in horror cinema. While the subject has great potential, I’ve just never found the representation onscreen to be all that interesting and more importantly, far from scary. The glorious ridiculousness of 7 Mummies aside, it just ain’t my monster.

Naturally, I’ll keep testing that theory.

Quick Plot: In 1948, an archaeology team led by the one and only (in so many ways) Christopher Lee has just uncovered a long-lost tomb on an Egyptian expedition. Before you can give Brendan Fraser a haircut, the team falls victim to some kind of toxic wind gas that causes terribly rendered late ‘90s CGI to turn their bodies into ash or, in a more fun manner, turn parts to ash and therefore lead to a moment where Sir Christopher Lee’s torso separates from his upper half and he continues to crawl.

Fifty years later, Lee’s granddaughter, Sam Turkel, has rediscovered the dreaded cave with her own team. Among them are the always welcome Sean Pertwee as somewhat psychic named Bradley, the more money-minded Claire, and Sam’s fiancee vaguely recognizable under a spacesuit as Gerard blink-and-you’ll-miss-him Butler. Don’t blink, because he dies in a rather stupid way pretty quickly.

The cave is once again sealed, but not before a sarcophagus with some tell-tale gauze inside is found and sent to be displayed in a museum. It doesn’t take long for said artifact that I don’t feel like misspelling again emits a powerful screech, swiping key organs from a few bystanders. 

Enter no-nonsense Detective Riley (Jason Scott Lee) and his surly partner (played by Smash’s Jack Davenport, and yes I know he was also in 9000 Pirates of the Caribbean movies, but his legacy is and will always be the fascinating mess that was NBC’s two-season Smash). When a few more mysterious murders start to emerge with the same pattern, Riley suspects the now insane Bradley. 

Of course, things are never quite what they seem when an ancient Egyptian tomb is in play. Bradley gives us the scoop on Talos, the evil prince who ruled with a fury centuries earlier. Before he could be assassinated, Talos had his wife and followers eat his organs to help preserve his spirit (apparently, that’s a thing). Now that his mummy wrap has been unearthed, it’s only a matter of time until he collects enough innards to be reincarnated. 

Thusly do we get plenty of attacks via animated gauze. Pity poor writer/director Russell Mulcahy (the father of Highlander) could clearly only do so much with the cheap CGI materials afforded by his era and budget. Most of the effects--and therefore scares--are laughably digitalized to the point of comedy. At the same time, Tale of the Mummy itself isn’t terrible. The movie’s never boring, and some of the ideas behind the creature designs are quite neat. I suppose if you think of it as an early Asylum reaction to the Brendan Fraser flick, it’s more than satisfying.

High Points

One can’t argue with any cast that includes Sean Pertwee, Shelley Duvall, and the sorely missed Christopher Lee

Sorry, but I can’t not talk about one of the greatest twist endings to ever happen in a mediocre mummy movie. Turns out, out stoic male cop hero is actually an ancient Egyptian princess reincarnated in order to eventually host the evil spirit of his/her former lover. I mean, come on: that’s neat

Low Points

Seriously, is there an excuse?

Lessons Learned

Be careful: friendly stray dogs just might be evil mummy incarnates

An automobile provides no protection against real or CGI gauze

Drinking Fosters in a gay club will make you incredibly desirable to evil mummies

Rent/Bury/Buy

I watched Tales of the Mummy via Netflix, but it looks like it’s since expired. The shame is that a free stream is definitely the best (maybe only) way to catch this one. This is far from a good and even farther from a scary film, but it’s paced well and has enough wackiness to make for an enjoyable 90 minutes. 

Michael C. Hall Can Breach My Firewall Any Day...Especially February 1st

In honor of Michael C. Hall’s Groundhog’s Day’s Eve birthday, I give you my review of Gamer.

Oh. Are you wondering why I know that Dexter Morgan’s less sociopathic half will be eating cake tonight? Aside from the fact that I happen to be his casual stalker, I’m also his birthday buddy. So balloons and bawdy movies for all!

Quick Plot: In the near future, gaming has reached new levels of depraved reality. Remember the controversy of those Easter egg codes that let your Grand Theft Auto alter ego do more things to hoes than just punch them in the face? Pfff, that’s as antiquated as Paper Boy bicycle accidents on Gameboy ’89.

The current trend to gluttonously devour bourgeoisie leisure time is Society, the next-level Sim City wherein players can control the motor functions of real-life avatars wandering a neon-hued candyland of vice. What’s better than being a sweaty 300+ pounder of sweat and sin vicariously living through Amber Valleta (who just happens to use the same hair dresser as Milla Jovovich, circa The 5th Element)? Oh, there’s something.

How about using that same technology for a Running Man/The Condemned game, with graphics that make Metal Gear Solid look like Atari? Slayers takes death row inmates (convenient that there’s always a bunch of those guys lying around for these kinds of dystopian action romps, eh?) and puts them in life-or-death battles. Like Society, each “Slayer” has some fancy chipwork in his brain that allows human gamers to direct their bodies to point and shoot. What makes Slayers such a hit is the caveat that each man can actually be killed midst game.

Stepping into Jason Statham’s well-used shoes is Gerard Butler as John Tilman, aka Kable in the Slayer universe. Having survived 27 battles, Tilman is just three games away from winning his freedom and reuniting with his token wife and daughter. His puppet master is a spoiled rich kid Simon (well-played by Logan Lerman) who's slowly developing a conscience as a group of punk rebels plot to tear down the system of mind-controlled gaming.

Makes perfect sense, right? All this is the dream child of Michael C. Hall’s Ken Castle, a Steve Jobs-like genius with a silver tongue and smooth soft shoe. And naturally, a hazy set of morals that allows Gamer to summon a mean and manic spirit.

Written and directed by the Crank team of  Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, Gamer is a wacky ride into videogame hell. Like The Running Man, it’s a film built on an intriguing and intelligent concept that mixes morality with media, but unlike something like Total Recall, it doesn’t quite master the balance. There are some clever moments of satire sprinkled throughout, but once Ludacris’s real-world crusaders take over the ethics debate with vague statements about humanity, Gamer loses a bit of its edge. 

But you probably won’t rent Gamer for its political or social agenda, especially if you picked it up based on Neveldine and Taylor’s pedigree. As an action film, Gamer is decent enough, depending on your taste buds for fast cuts and hyperactive visuals. Butler imbues his hero with a sympathetic growl and believable edge, but but following him through the grainy war scenes or epilepsy-inducing rave rooms feels a little too, well, video game-ish for my sensibilities. Obviously, this is probably the point and not necessarily a general criticism. It’s just not my style.

Similarly, the virtual reality (to the extreme!) themes are explored in rather neat ways, even if the film doesn’t really have the time to deal with their possibilities. Yes, we’ve seen this story in The Matrix and other tales, but Gamer has a lot of fun with its premise, both for the serious-minding sci-fi fans and the action audience in need of a few good shootouts. 

High Points

Rhymes with Cycle Hee Mall. Granted, I’ve been a fan of his work since his complex David Fisher slowly learned to accept himself on Six Feet Under, but it’s truly a blast to see Hall get to have so much fun with a role he makes his own. Plus, dance moves!

Although a whole film set in Society would give me a sugar-rushed headache, the depiction of this world was rather innovative. Watching Amber Valleta blankly wade through an artificial landscape--her body knowing who she is but all motor functions betraying her--is fascinating and haunting.

Low Points

As someone with less skill at modern videogames than an arthritic senior citizen, I’m probably biased, but the fast edit game style action sequences simply felt a tad too jumbled for my senses to ever grip onto

The underground freedom fighters seem more like an easy connecting plot device than fully realized revolutionaries

Lessons Learned

Pistachio butter exists and it is awesome

Stockholders, take note: Best Buy will be in business for a long time

In the near future, the FCC will loosen regulations on language and cigarette use in primetime news

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is one of the few films reviewed here that people I actually speak to (in the real world) have seen, and of those flesh-and-blood breathers, none haven’t enjoyed Gamer. My main quibbles probably stem from my general lack of video game experience, but Gamer is a treat, particularly if you enjoy these kinds of media-centered action movies infused with a dose of sci-fi intelligence. The DVD includes an extensive featurette , crowded commentary, and a few more goodies that diehard fans will have fun with. Gamer is a little too light and muddled to be a future classic, but there’s a lot here to enjoy. 


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