DraKinski!

The opening credit sequence for Werner Herzog’s 1979 adaptation of F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu features creepy mummified beings scored to beautiful music ...

and followed by a closeup of two adorably playful kittens. 

This film was made for me.

Quick Plot: Jonathan Harker (the wonderful Wings of Desire’s wonderful Bruno Wonderful Ganz) must head to the ominous castle of Count Dracula, a Mr. Burns-y hermit with --

Aw heck, you know the story. It’s Dracula, plain and simple. Mina is actually Lucy (just ‘cause) and she’s played by the gorgeous Isabelle Adjani, one of, perhaps, the only actresses that could dare face-play against the glorious insanity of Klaus Kinski. 

There’s a whole lot to love about Herzog’s film, so rather than a straightforward review (it’s DRACULA for goodness sake), here’s a list of all that works about it:

-The three lead performances are, plain and simple, perfect for the material. Ganz brings intrigue to a role usually reserved for pretty boys, Adjani’s facial expressions are straight out of the silent film era and Kinski is shockingly restrained (yet still typically creepy) as the titular demon

-Within five minutes of Nosferatu’s running time, it hit me that I needed to turn off all the lights in La Casa Dolls to fully appreciate the insanely beautiful camerawork. Take, for example, Jonathan’s trek to the castle. It’s a scene that goes on far longer than necessary, but between a fertile but empty landscape, shadowed ruins, and a cloudy night sky slowly parting to let in a haunting blue light, I could not take my eyes off the screen. 

This goes for just about every frame of the film, be it Lucy’s lonely beach walk or a disorienting overhead shot of coffins marching through a desolate village.

-Dracula’s boat trip is more painful than the movie Boat Trip, and I mean that as a huge compliment (and probably the only one that will ever involve the movie Boat Trip). The journey is usually skirted over or entirely ignored in most adaptations, but Herzog gives it plenty of weight, letting the trip herald in a deadly plague that wreaks havoc over Lucy’ and Jonathan’s home town. This eventually gives us an almost apocalyptic view as Lucy roams an emptying village and the few remaining citizens resign themselves to impending death.

-Though I won’t spoil the ending, it’s certainly worth acknowledging that it departs from the usual Dracula finale and wow, it’s pretty great.

Low Points

Word on the cinema street is that Herzog wasn’t overly nice to those thousands of rat cast members, which makes me a little sad

Lessons Learned

Pigs do not stop walking to poop. I did not know this fact

One should probably not dip one’s toes inside a mysterious rat-infested coffin. I’m not a doctor or anything, but this advice seems sound

You know, there are starving children in China who would kill to eat those grapes. (Note: this comment is directed towards vampires who seem to thrive on wasting decadent banquets)

Rent/Bury/Buy

I rented the German version of Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht through Netflix, since general consensus is that it’s superior (Herzog filmed an English version simultaneously with the same cast, also available as a separate disc). Clearly, I recommend this film with all the muster I’ve got. Dracula tales don’t generally do too much for me, but Herzog’s approach--essentially, creating an homage to Murnau’s original--is incredibly striking from both a visual and audio standpoint. The music is gripping and the imagery, absolutely breathtaking. Add in a Ka-razzzzzy Kinski (well-supported by a fantastic Adjani and Ganz) and you have a film that’s simply a joy to experience.

And on the 28th day, the little people were good

I know, I know. How can I end February’s Month of the Vertically Challenged Villains by NOT writing about a film in which vertically challenged characters are villains? I can, because it’s MY month of the vertically challenged and just like any tyrant with a smidgen of power, I can change the rules when I please.

Plus, Sven Unterwaldt Jr’s German children’s(????) film 7 Dwarfs is simply bizarre enough that it’d be a crime against dwarfdom to not give it its place.

Quick Plot: A long time ago in a fairyland far far away, the world was divided by a quaint little bridge between the bright and dark. All that really happens on the dark side, however, is that a bunch of ‘dwarfs’ (they’re much taller than you think) live without the company of women following personal tragedies fueled by estrogen (losing wives in childbirth, being kicked out of school plays, tossed out of hot air balloons, having a magic lamp stolen, the usual).

Enter a silly brunette to turn it all upside down. Young 17 year old Snow White must flee the light kingdom when the drag queenish (but not) queen learns from her sassy mirror that the young lass is considered far more attractive. Over the bridge she runs and into the grumbling, but eventually accommodating home of seven hyperactive, easily identifiable little people.

There's Bubi the doofus, Cooky the, yeah, cook, and a whole lot more silly named little(ish) people who pass the time by singing, riverdancing, and playing pun-ish ‘board’ games that involve hitting each other in the face with, yup, boards.

Also thrown into the mix are a court jester bearing a frightening likeness to Andy Dick and a hunter who's far prouder of the sticks his dog fetches than any actual slaughtered game. As you probably figured out, 7 Dwarfs is an incredibly odd film that somehow fits right at home here at the Doll's House (and not just because it’s short enough to pass under the bar). On one hand, it’s a simple children’s film that gives you everything your 8-year-old pigtails want from a Snow White yarn. On the other, there’s bizarre adult humor mixed in through clever language, including a prolonged diatribe on the excitement of wieners and being on top.

Um.

High Points

The idea of tickle torture has always seemed far more effective to me than waterboarding or the rack. 7 Dwarfs gets this

Low Points

Some of the slapstick humor feels, you know, silly and annoying (which isn’t necessarily a surprise, but when watching a children’s movie, one should be aware)

Lessons Learned

Why use a glass coffin to transport a princess when you have a perfectly good life-size tupperwear container?

Wieners don’t have to be boring, you know

It took one spunky brunette to show the world that it’s actually blonds who lack intelligence

Rent/Bury/Buy

I would never have thought to watch 7 Dwarves without the power of Instant Watch, and as long as it's streaming, it's certainly a unique 90 minutes. Even though it's rife with tongue-in-cheek innuendo, the film is actually quite innocent and would be the perfect watch-with-your-imaginative-children's film if it were in English. But hey, maybe your kids speak fluent German or don't mind reading rapid fire subtitles whilst enjoying visual gags. 

In other words, I have no idea who will enjoy this movie. It has a similar spirit to Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,with adult humor that's far too sly to raise the little eyebrows of kids under 10. At the same time, it shares that sometimes-annoying sense of making just about every moment a walking or shouting joke. You won't laugh at all of them, but that could generally be said about most comedies and this one has dwarfs.