Contest Results!

I ran a contest!

And in true Doll’s House tradition, I was extremely tardy with delivering  the results. But there’s a kicker to all my laziness, and that kicker means everyone’s a winner!

Due to the generosity of Drive-In Horrorshow/Infinite Santa 8000 team Grimm Pictures, I’ve got more than enough swag to go around. And since a lucky seven readers had the dedication and good taste to put down the Christmas cookies and take a break from caroling long enough to send in entries, each will receive a special package with a few goodies mailed their way.

Best of all (for me) is the ring of recommendations I got for next year’s Decemberstravaganza! Here they are, starting with the one and only man behind Not This Time, Nayland Smith, Chris Hewson:

My favourite Christmas-based film is the action/sci-fi, Trancers (aka Future Cop). It's a fun action film that, other than having a kickass protag (Tim Thomerson as JACK DETH) it's brisk and has a quick pace at only 75 minutes long. Other points are that it has a fight between zombie (kinda)-Santa and JACK DETH, and that its four sequels are just as entertaining! The sequels are ALL insane amounts of fun! And the series has a kickass theme tune too!

--While I’ve delved into Dollman like any short Bronxite, I confess to never actually watching Thomerson’s other big franchise. Now that I know it has at least something to do with Christmas, I fully expect to put it on December’s calendar.

Up next is Nicole, aka the Living Dead Girl with something more cuddly: 

Okay I thought about using any number of Christmas themed horror flicks that I enjoyed (Santa's Slay, if you haven't seen it, rocks way harder than I'd have imagined. I'm not saying it's a GOOD movie, but it's bad in all the best ways and a lot of fun. And I have an addiction to lengthy parenthetical asides. Sorry about that.) but that would be disingenuous. Truth be told, while most of the time the more bare tits, terror, chainsaws, creepy Japanese ghost kids and blood the better... at Christmas there's one movie that warms my orange and black little heart like no other. And that movie is...

Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas 

(STOP JUDGING ME!)

It's got ridiculously cute little characters (Jim Henson did it so Kermit makes an appearance at the beginning but then Emmet, Ma and the gang take center stage), a song which includes the lyric "They made curtains and handkerchiefs and clothing for the poooor... from the one bathing suit that your grandma otter wooooore!", a jugband song that will NEVER be out of your head once you hear it. That little movie is comfort food for my soul. I LOVE it.

Sorry I went over the 2-3 sentences suggestion. If it helps my chances any, I have a drawer filled mostly with googly eyes, condoms and Pez (so clearly, I'm just not right) and my Cockatiel, Foofer, hopes I'll win. 

Thanks and Merry Cthulhumas! May you be eaten last.

P.S. Coming in at a painfully close second is A Garfield Christmas. 

Dear Nicole, never in my life would I judge thee for choosing ANYTHING Jim Henson related. I only caught Emmet Otter this past year when it magically landed on Netflix Instant (along with the equally tear-inducing Christmas Toy) and my goodness, everything you say is true to the extreme. The Paul Williams' songs are incredible and I almost hate you for getting Ain't No Hole In a Washtub stuck back in my head. It's a sweet, moving, and painfully adorable tale that I only regret not watching for the past 29 Christmases! 

And now we move onto an ace pick from Chris Love:

To answer the question posed on your blog "What is your favorite December holiday film and why", I will say it's Christmas Evil (a.k.a. You Better Watch Out). The idea of a man so obsessed with the holiday that he actually takes on the persona of Santa Claus throughout the year to me is both extremely creepy, and somewhat heartfelt at the same time due to Brandon Maggart's portrayal of the holiday obsessed man not being one note. While yeah, he does do bad things, you can understand where he's coming from, and you actually start rooting for him. It's his acting that takes a story that's pretty silly and elevates it into something great. Plus, that totally out there ending is a thing of beauty!

And I will say this... Silent Night Deadly Night 2? My second favorite holiday horror film of all time (no lie!). Sure, Garbage Day! is an awesome sequence, but when Ricky kills the blonde douchebag with the jumper cables, then his girlfriend starts yelling at him? Awesome-ness! "Punish!" "Uh-oh!" :)

Chris, be still my heart. As my old review of Christmas Evil shows, I absolutely adore that film. It's truly a special entry into the holiday horror canon, with a wonderful central performance and heartfelt theme. And "uh-oh" remains one of the best reactions to watching your boyfriend electrocute your ex-boyfriend ever captured on camera!

Moving onto more intentionally comedic films, Aaron of The Death Rattle and keeper of the Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema asks us to put a little love in our hearts:

My favorite holiday/Christmas film frequently changes and I don't have a mandatory film that I watch during the holiday season, but right now my favorite is Scrooged, starring Bill Murray; it's always been a favorite of mine, I love the feel-good breaking the fourth wall ending, and it's the movie that I'll be watching at some point on or around Christmas this year. I'm thinking a double feature of Scrooged and Santa's Slay (another favorite). Thanks!

Ah Aaron, I can't get through December without watching Carol Kane beat the chiffon out of Bill Murray. Funny to see so much love for Santa's Slay, a film I was fairly underwhelmed by a few years back because I felt it tried a touch too hard. Perhaps Christmas 2012 will be a chance to revisit and see if my opinions change, providing the world is still spinning by then. 

Keeping it in the comedic vein is everyone's favorite cannibal, Mattsuzaka of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. In his words:

After some serious internal debate, my answer is Gremlins. Gremlins narrowly beats out A Christmas Story as my favorite Holiday/December thingy movie because it has so many things that I love: Christmas, snow, Phoebe Cates (sigh), monsters, humor, horror, old Asian men, and Dick Miller.     

Nothing to argue with there! Gremlins is the kind of film I sit down for every few years, and it never gets tired. As dark as comedy can get while still being funny, yet still packed with genuine scares...plus, let's face it, the cutest li'l creature to grace our screens in the '80s:

It's almost illegally adorable!

Staying firmly in the '80s is Craig's vote for the only film that I know of to combine Christmas elves with Nazi medical experimentation:

I am sure someone has already submitted this, but...

because traditional Christmas recycles the same tired mythology over and over (fat man in suit with toys, reindeer, Grither, zzz).  ELVES incorporates all other elements of import to Western civilization like how to chain-smoke with a beard, abusive TV MILFs, and elf-science Nazis.  Everything that you need to know to be a good citizen is in ELVES.  They should just screen it for community college students, cancel the next two years of classes, and send them off to be paleontologists and English teachers and shit.  The money saved could fill the Medicare donut hole!

But, really, EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS should win this. And your blog is AWESOME...

Oh Craig, flattery is always appreciated (P.S.: remind me who to make that check out to). I haven't seen Elves since I was but a wee elf myself, but just about everything you said about it makes me think I NEED to rewatch it if I want to be a better person. Maybe I'll carefully time it for this coming early December so as to clean my slate in time for a Santa visit. 

Lastly but in no ways leastly is Ron's puntastic explanation for one of cinema's first real slashers:

Hello and please AXE-CEPT (I know corny as hell)  my comment entry into the 'An Infinite (Kinda) Giveaway!  Fangs for the opportunity! (I know, I know...another lame pun/play on words...I probably already disqualified myself and and lost the contest in advance)! But here's my entry nonetheless" 

For me, I really love the work of the late, great Bob Clark, a man who had such varied aplomb in the language of film that he successfully made two of the most diametrically opposed Christmas films of all time...BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) and A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983). While most are no doubt familiar with the latter, it's Clark's BLACK CHRISTMAS, for me! The precursor to the American slasher subgenre, that is bestowed the highest gift on my Christmas film favorites list. Abominable remake aside, BLACK CHRISTMAS not only set the bar, it pretty much authored the rules of the game. A lone stalker, identified through shaky POV shots, taunts and tortures a harem of sorority girls. Sound familiar? A harasser calling from inside the house? Banging any chimes? Thing is, aside from the pioneering, the film is actually anchored by good storytelling and solid performances from good actors. Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon...these are pros' pros...and what could easily be cast aside as B-movie pabulum actually turns out to be something far greater! At least for me, and I'm sure, thousands of other horror fans!

Have a Horrifically Wonderful  AXE-MAS ...ahem... X-MAS!  :-)

You know, I realized this year--and Ron's explanation certainly helps confirm it--that I REALLY need to give Black Christmas another go. I've only watched it one time, on a small computer screen with poor audio. Perhaps the time hath come to revisit one of the genre's most important--and yet in many ways, underappreciated--gems.

Preferably with a drink mixed by Margot

Thanks again to everyone for the entries! Now you just have to wait for me to ride my reindeer to the post office and get mailing (note: the apocalypse might happen before that does).

Everybody's Doing It...

For no reason whatsoever, America’s youth (ranging in age between three and seventeen, by my accounts) have become insanely obsessed with collecting colorful bracelets vaguely shaped like random nouns. Bandz, as they’re called, are simply the latest commercial product in a long line of short-lived trends that serve to annoy teachers, rob parents, divide schoolyard friends and generally make the world a worse place.

Need further proof? Examine, if you will, today’s genre-centric list of films that capture the horror of materialism gone wild:

Gremlins

Joe Dante’s seminal Cabbage Patch Kids-inspired Christmas classic is the educational gift that keeps on giving, riffing on the dangers of irresponsible materialism with the cutest metaphor to ever squeak. As parents mowed each other down in shopping malls to deliver chubby faced baby dolls to their greedy kids, Dante captured the overly ambitious gifting craze with Gizmo, and adorable living teddy bear with a rule book even Santa couldn’t follow. Predicting--or possibly, inspiring--future toy fads like Tickle-Me-Elmo and, in an odd twist, the clearly Mogwai-based Furbies.

Child’s Play

It’s hard to be the fatherless poor kid at daycare in downtown Chicago, but even harder when mom’s idea of an appropriate birthday gift is a box of pants. Between delicious breakfast cereal and Saturday morning cartoons, it’s no wonder that young Andy Barclay becomes so fixated on obtaining a Good Guy Doll, a promised ‘friend to the end’ with a $50+ price tag. Misguidedly believing such a My Buddy knockoff will bring him peace, Andy guilts his mom into using her bonus in the back alley to purchase the toy. How to punish a child for his greed? Soul snatching, naturally.

The Stuff

Remember when your teachers, friends, neighbors, cousins, and kittens were shedding belly fat with the Atkins Diet? Didn’t it sound like the best idea since WOW Doritos? Then, just as you were about to declare jihad on bagels, you remembered that WOW Doritos were officially declared an agent of the devil (via your toilet). That’s the lesson you should remember watching Larry Cohen’s The Stuff, a gleeful satire that uses a delicious fat-free frozen treat to explore America’s obsession with lo-cal commercialism.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Perhaps the holiday’s best lesson at teaching kids to make their own costumes and avoid the temptations of everybody’s-doing-it store bought digs. What happens when your child wears the same rubber mask as 75% of the buying public? He or she turns into a rotten pumpkin. Serves you right for not thinking outside the box.

Suicide Club

Peer pressure has led to many a minor tragedy: feathered hair, bullying, Phish. But few lapses of individual judgement are quite as unfortunate as the events that occur in this 2002 surrealist genre glob, wherein offing oneself becomes way cooler than XBox, ‘N Sync, or talking to the hand. As usual, pop music is the main offender, with the sweet siren songs of girl group Dessert (or Desert) calling teens, comedians, housewives, and policemen to hurl their bodies in front of racing subway trains, chop off their appendages while slicing sandwiches, and leap to their deaths at the urging of their peers. Though the exact nature of the suicidal craze isn’t quite explained and the cure comes off as questionable, Suicide Club remains the thinking gorehound’s philosophical bible for exploring mass societal behavior with macabre humor and scraped off earlobes.

Fido

Sometiems it’s not just the kids that get hooked by ubiquitous marketing. Take Carrie Anne Moss’s June Cleaver-esque homemaker in 2006’s zombedy Fido. All this stay-at-home mom wants is to have the same merchant goods as the neighbors. In this case, that good is an undead servant to call her family’s own. Though most of the films on this list demonstrate the negative aspect of trends (and Fido’s premise basically equates to modern slavery), this quirky black comedy ironically results in the most positive outcome of all. Sometimes, true love truly does start with a price tag. 

The 12 Scares of Christmas

As I continue to dig through a seemingly unending pile of Santa slashers, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that the yuletide season is far more hostile holiday than Hallmark wants us to believe. Case in point: the following list of Christmas (and for politically inclusive reasons, Hanukah) horrors just waiting to send us running for cover into the quiet calm of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. 

12. Inflatable Lawn Ornaments 

I despise these things more than phoned-in covers of Christmas carols, and not just because I find them a lazy means of decorating. In my wildest fantasies, I assume these colorfully conformist balloons have been slowly building up helium fueled frustration over 1) being deflated half the month 2) stuffed in boxes 91% of the year and 3) looking dumb. How will they seek vengeance? Easy. Ever notice how no suburban lawn has just ONE? It’s not just that decorating is addictive: the inflatable lawn ornaments want it that way. Why? Power in numbers. I give it three more years before they start deflating over the heads of unsuspecting carolers, absorbing each do-gooder like The Blob and growing stronger with every verse.  


11. Unclear Gifting Policies 

Sometimes, it’s the everyday discomfort that provides us with more anxiety than any Nazi created superelf or axe-wielding St. Nick. Like a poorly translated adaptation of The Gift of the Magi, many an office drone, second cousin, or waving neighbor can spend a good deal of December wondering whether to purchase a gift for a casual acquaintance. Buy one and you risk looking too friendly; forget and you come off as a careless jerk. It may not be the stuff that Black Christmas is made of, but dealing with the awkwardness of ill-defined relationships is a horror rife for plenty of stress-induced nightmares.  

10. Ice

Depending on your location, snow is one more deadly tool on the heavily stocked belt of wrathful winter. Since mutant killer snowmen is a topic all of its own, let’s instead consider the very physical danger of H2O served a degree too cold. Drivers must master the art of steering into the slide in order to survive, an act which violates basic human instinct and never seems to work anyway. Pedestrians must constantly rotate their vigilance between dodging daggerish icicles and slippery patches of shimmering black ice. Don’t get me started on the inevitable skating rink excursion that undoubtedly ends in minor injury or worse, The Good Son/Orphan-esque cracks into hell frozen over. Avoid it like fruitcake. 

9. The Shopping Mall Santa Experience

One of the first things we learn as children is to not talk to strangers. Second is usually the heartbreaking lesson about not taking the candy they hand out so freely. So what do our parents do in between Cinnabon iced cappuccinos and Panda Express combos with fountain soda? Force our little bottoms on the germ-infested kneecaps of a complete unknown, who proceeds to grip our waists and ask us about our naughtiness over the past year. After posing for a poorly lit photo, he--or sometimes, ANOTHER stranger often wearing tights and short shorts--hands us a candy cane from the dusty netherworld that is his magical sack. While I like to imagine most shopping centers check their employees' references before handing over a month's worth of access to a community's children, cynicism and Billy Bob Thorton have taught me to be very wary of anybody wearing a synthetic beard.

8. Menorahs 

Simply because they imply open flames, which is a fire hazard any time, much less for seven whole days and eight nights (when people are sleeping and thereby even more in danger of negligence)  

7. Reindeer Bullies 

According to many a claymation special and library book, Christmas is about good will to men, joy on earth, and lots of singing. Why then does the grand master of ceremonies employ such mean-spirited, verbally abusive elitists as his high profile chauffeurs? Imagine, if you will, poor Rudolph’s fate had there never been “one foggy Christmas Eve.” Sure, he may still have gone down in history, but something tells me such a tale would involve more rifle shots atop the North Pole tower than gleeful prancing with orthodontic elves. Also, reindeer have been known to run down old ladies without leaving a note. I don’t like to fear for my grandmothers.  

6. Chimneys 

Eleven months of the year, anybody with a working fireplace probably doesn’t realize he or she has a working fireplace. Then December rolls around, you decorate your mantle, and the kids start asking questions. “How does Santa fit?” “Why are you lighting the log on December 24th?” “Why is Gremlins rated PG?” It’s Phoebe Cates’ infamous monologue in that yuletide classic that reminds us just how fatal those rectangular roasting plants truly are.  

5. Malls

See last week’s column for a more thorough analysis of the hellishness that is a major shopping center in December. Still, no discussion of the horrors of yule are complete without considering the close quarters demanded by the season. Between the spread of airborne diseases (or worse, if you’re an employed elf like in David Cronenberg’s Rabid) from hacking customers, the bacteria-ridden dollar bills handed back by disgruntled employees, and the traffic you’ll encounter heading home, killer robot security guards and eight foot tall tarantulas seem more inviting than a gingerbread house. 

4. A Christmas Carol 

I have nothing but love for Charles Dickens’ original novella and the many fine film adaptations it has spawned. Still, at the heart of this morality tale is a haunting ghost story rich in desolate poverty, cancerous self isolation, and the poisonous nature of capitalism. Even the wrong-side-of-the-tracks Rizzo the Rat couldn’t stomach the final act, wherein a Bergmanesque before Bergman Grim Reaper shows Ebenezer Scrooge just how lethal a misanthropic path can be. Sure, every version features a happy ending where leading men (and sometimes women or ducks) get to dance and shout with joy, but it takes one dark and somber ride to get there. 

3. The Must-Have Toy 

Not only did the very idea of Tickle-Me-Elmo seriously injure Arnold “Jingle All the Way” Schwarzenegger’s action star cred, it also led manufacturers to spearhead an annual ambush of saturating--actually, teasing--the market with always expensive, often baffling, and sometimes terrifying creations of evil toymakers’ fancies (Furbies, shudder). It’s a nasty ploy that does little more than turn child against parent, parent against paycheck, and ravenous consumers against all that’s good in human nature. Then again, without Cabbage Patch Kids, we’d probably never have Gremlins, so I guess we can accept the idea as a necessary evil.


2. The Big Brotherness of Santa Claus

Silent Night, Deadly Night. Santa’s Slay . Christmas Evil . Santa Claws. There’s a reason most holiday-themed horror films cast Kris Kringle as a villain with an all-too literal take on his naughty list. It’s the very idea of one man who “sees you when you’re sleeping” deciding the fate of children across the world, judging their character and invading their homes to carry out his decree. Look at 1959’s rather terrible film, Santa Claus (or better yet, just watch the MST3K coverage for a far better time) to see what I always envisioned the demigod’s lair to look like: a control station filled with security cameras that trace the movements of every child eligible for stocking stuffers.  

1. Carol of the Bells 

Beautifully melodic, harmoniously haunting, aggressively threatening. This popular Christmas carol is a staple of church choirs, middle school glee clubs, and animated specials but listen to a good cover while shivering in the dark on a cold winter’s night and watch the hairs on your blanket wrapped arm rise in fear. There’s something about the forceful accenting that feels oddly confrontational, with the minor key composing lending a vaguely menacing mood that builds with each verse. If the high notes were solidified, I firmly believe they’d take on the form of blank staring children dressed preciously for Midnight Mass while chasing anyone listening through a barren and snowy landscape with tiny ice picks. 

So am I wimpier than Tiny Tim, or is Xmas time far more terrifying than Frosty wants us to believe?

Mother, Can You Spare Some Blood?

In case you have forgotten, Mother's Day is quickly approaching. Before you rush off to make those brunch reservations, take this quiz to get a better understanding of just what kind of parent you have, what to get her this Sunday, and what all of this might mean for your personal safety. 

1. On your 5th birthday, your mother bought you:

a) a gift certificate for free anger management classes

b) a dress-up kit, complete with wig

c) a silver crucifix, which you promptly melted using your yellow eyes

d) nothing. Counting is too hard

2. In your baby photos, your mother is typically:

a) absent

b) holding you wayyyyy too close

c) staring frightfully ahead with dead eyes

d) chewing on your leg

3. You run into the house crying with a skinned knee. Her reaction is to:

a) lick the fluid oozing from the wound

b) amputate what she can and stuff the limb to put on prominent display

c) cry

d) shrug. What do you expect when you sprint on rocky terrain?

4. At the local PTA meeting, your mother is most likely to:

a) supervise her minions as they bludgeon your teacher to death

b) stay home. How could she possibly leave you there all by yourself?

c) brag about your performance in the school play

d) school?

5. Mom’s going out for the night. Your usual babysitter is:

a) a grumpy British psychotherapist

b) your mother. She’s a table-for-three kind of dame

c) the elderly neighbors across the hall

d) your own survival instincts

6. You’ve misbehaved. As punishment, you might receive:

a) death at the hands of your trollish half siblings. After all, you’re incredibly easy to replace.

b) shrill nagging

c) an exorcism

d) a cheerful pat on the back, or shackles

7. When it comes to bonding with your mother, the best shared passion is:

a) pure hatred

b) absolutely anything

c) Scrabble

d) hunting

8. Her style icon is:

a) Joni Mitchell

b) Julia Child

c) Florence Henderson

d) Raquel Welch circa One Million Years B.C.

If you answered...

Mostly A’s

Your mother is: Nola  Carveth (The Brood)

The Good News: Your emotions may have the power to manifest themselves into creepy little dopplegangers that do your bidding.

The Bad News: Your safety and sanity is questionable. 

The Bottom Line: You hail from a second generation broken home, so you should certainly be wary of letting history repeat itself with the wrong partner. Your more immediate concern, however, involves staying alive long enough to legally emancipate yourself from your rage-enhanced mother before she unleashes her Cronenbergian spawn on your ungrateful butt. Luckily, your dad seems like a genuinely nice guy, so catch the next flight to Canada and start readjusting. 

Best Mother’s Day gift: A stress ball

Mostly B's: Your mother is: Mrs. Bates (Psycho)

The Good News: You’ll never be alone.

The Bad News: You’ll never be alone.

The Bottom Line:You were a lonely child and as a result, you have developed an unhealthy eagerness to please and/or connect with others. Romantic relationships have proved to be something of a challenge, as your Oedipal desires have complicated your taste in the opposite (or same) sex. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make a clean break. Start fresh. Relocate. It’s never too late to become a new man (or woman).

Best Mother’s Day gift: it doesn’t matter; nothing is ever good enough.

Mostly C’s

Your Mother is: Rosemary Woodhouse (Rosemary’s Baby)

The Good News: She has great taste in real estate

The Bad News: She’s kind of an emotional mess

The Bottom Line: You grew up surrounded by a solid network of older and financially successful guardians, but that may have left you spoiled and harboring an unearned sense of entitlement, particularly since your mother never seemed to know just how to handle you. Her instincts were usually on target, but she’s easily influenced by those with more force--including, unfortunately, your emotionally absent father. It’s up to you to find your true inner self, but always take comfort in knowing that your mother loves you, even if you are sometimes a lil devil.

Best Mother’s Day gift: valium 

Mostly D’s

Your mother is: Mama (The Hills Have Eyes)

The Good News: Despite her limited physicality, she did stress the importance of exercise and the outdoors

The Bad News: She didn’t let you play well with others.

The Bottom Line: Discipline was never a priority for your parents--particularly your cave-ridden mom, who encouraged you to stay out past curfew if it meant you’d be bringing home the bacon (or baby). You may have built up some unrecognized resentment towards the lax parenting (especially when combined with the border limits imposed) so it’s time to start building a solid foundation. You need a little more stability in your life, relationships, and diet. And vegetables. Apply for a job. Get your associate’s degree, find an apartment, and adopt a dog. Wait, forget the last part. Just start with a plant.

Best Mother's Day gift: Duh, a meaty little puppy