Mall Madness

Between the glory of Dawn of the Dead and the glee of Chopping Mall, the cuteness of Bio-Zombie and the "oh yeah, that's set in a mall too" Elves, shopping malls are simply prime real estate for horror. It looks like India has finally received that memo.

Quick Plot: Amity Mall is about to become the largest indoor shopping center in all of Asia, providing people working on its construction stop, you know, dying mysteriously. 

After the latest security guard casualty, an ex-soldier named Vishnu is called in to oversee the finishing touches before the mall's big opening. The wealthy business men in charge bring their grown children along for the star-studded party and token five minute musical number break.

This is an Indian film, after all.

As most of the guests begin to exit, the handful lingering behind--both for work reasons and sneak-into-closed-stores-and-figure-skating-rinks-for-fun ones--are hunted down by a some very angry, very violent ghosts. Little by little, the stragglers piece together that the men who purchased this property did not do so with the upmost moral code of conduct.

Darr @ the Mall was apparently made originally for television, which explains why it goes on...and on....and on. Two hours of running length isn't normally unreasonable, but boy does it feel unnecessarily epic in the context of a rather simple haunted mall story.

Pacing aside, Pawan Kripalani's Darr @ the Mall has its charm. While the characters aren't really fleshed out in the most interesting ways, the main actors more than make up for it with good, earnest performances. The effects are B-level CGI, but some of the scares pop and the setups--including an aforementioned FIGURE SKATING DEATH--are done with more care than you might find on average. There's even a rather brilliantly done falling-down-the-stairs shot that might be the first time I've ever genuinely felt the horror of that kind of situation (for those wondering, I tend to fall UP the stairs far more often). 

This is a decent, well-made horror movie. I just wish there wasn't so much of it.

High Points

Did I mention there was a figure skating death?

Low Points

Did I mention this is a two-hour ghost story that probably needed about 75 minutes to tell its story effectively?

Lessons Learned

One reason for not being happy all the time is that you're just not drinking all the time

It's not an accident just because you say so

Saris are made from extremely flammable material

Rent/Bury/Buy

It's hard to fully endorse Darr @ the Mall because its running time feels unreasonable. That being said, it's always interesting to see horror from around the world, and this is certainly a quality production. Perhaps it's worth a watch in bits, as it was originally designed to run. Or maybe I just don't have it in me to NOT recommend a horror film that involves a DEATH WHILE FIGURE SKATING.

Instant bonus point awarded. 

Let It Begin!

Man, this is a miserable time of year. Sure, celebrations abound for adorable (if unreliable) groundhogs and long-passed early presidents, but the rest of us in certain climates are stuck shivering in crumby weather, sloshing around in dirty melted slush, and frantically navigating NBC's three-channel coverage of the Olympics to ensure the DVR does not fail to record every second of figure skating.

I've been burned before.

Thankfully, the Doll's House has a four-year-running tradition of taking one of the calendar's worth months and making it into something special. February being short, me being short, dolls being short, short being awesome, we take these next 28 days to focus on films that feature vertically challenged villains, be they Good Guys with attitudes or problem childs with bow ties. Stay tuned for Monday's first installment where we go back to Doll's House basics.

In the meantime, I invite my fellow bloggers to join in the fun by sending me your own posts (new or old) that give special love to those under average height. Our first recommend comes courtesy of the Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema, one of my most beloved film podcasts. On this very special Midnite Ride (said in a sexy, husky voice), blogging champions Mattsuzaka of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby and Karl Brezdin of Fist of B-List step up (3D) behind the microphone to discuss a true winter classic of yore, 1989's VHS treasure Elves.

Yes, that's the one about a Nazi elf, and yes, it's as spectacular as you'd think.

Download or stream this Shortening Approved episode and come back on Monday for a special visit with everyone's favorite plastic redhead.

No, not Midge. Something far more special...

Contest Results!

I ran a contest!

And in true Doll’s House tradition, I was extremely tardy with delivering  the results. But there’s a kicker to all my laziness, and that kicker means everyone’s a winner!

Due to the generosity of Drive-In Horrorshow/Infinite Santa 8000 team Grimm Pictures, I’ve got more than enough swag to go around. And since a lucky seven readers had the dedication and good taste to put down the Christmas cookies and take a break from caroling long enough to send in entries, each will receive a special package with a few goodies mailed their way.

Best of all (for me) is the ring of recommendations I got for next year’s Decemberstravaganza! Here they are, starting with the one and only man behind Not This Time, Nayland Smith, Chris Hewson:

My favourite Christmas-based film is the action/sci-fi, Trancers (aka Future Cop). It's a fun action film that, other than having a kickass protag (Tim Thomerson as JACK DETH) it's brisk and has a quick pace at only 75 minutes long. Other points are that it has a fight between zombie (kinda)-Santa and JACK DETH, and that its four sequels are just as entertaining! The sequels are ALL insane amounts of fun! And the series has a kickass theme tune too!

--While I’ve delved into Dollman like any short Bronxite, I confess to never actually watching Thomerson’s other big franchise. Now that I know it has at least something to do with Christmas, I fully expect to put it on December’s calendar.

Up next is Nicole, aka the Living Dead Girl with something more cuddly: 

Okay I thought about using any number of Christmas themed horror flicks that I enjoyed (Santa's Slay, if you haven't seen it, rocks way harder than I'd have imagined. I'm not saying it's a GOOD movie, but it's bad in all the best ways and a lot of fun. And I have an addiction to lengthy parenthetical asides. Sorry about that.) but that would be disingenuous. Truth be told, while most of the time the more bare tits, terror, chainsaws, creepy Japanese ghost kids and blood the better... at Christmas there's one movie that warms my orange and black little heart like no other. And that movie is...

Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas 

(STOP JUDGING ME!)

It's got ridiculously cute little characters (Jim Henson did it so Kermit makes an appearance at the beginning but then Emmet, Ma and the gang take center stage), a song which includes the lyric "They made curtains and handkerchiefs and clothing for the poooor... from the one bathing suit that your grandma otter wooooore!", a jugband song that will NEVER be out of your head once you hear it. That little movie is comfort food for my soul. I LOVE it.

Sorry I went over the 2-3 sentences suggestion. If it helps my chances any, I have a drawer filled mostly with googly eyes, condoms and Pez (so clearly, I'm just not right) and my Cockatiel, Foofer, hopes I'll win. 

Thanks and Merry Cthulhumas! May you be eaten last.

P.S. Coming in at a painfully close second is A Garfield Christmas. 

Dear Nicole, never in my life would I judge thee for choosing ANYTHING Jim Henson related. I only caught Emmet Otter this past year when it magically landed on Netflix Instant (along with the equally tear-inducing Christmas Toy) and my goodness, everything you say is true to the extreme. The Paul Williams' songs are incredible and I almost hate you for getting Ain't No Hole In a Washtub stuck back in my head. It's a sweet, moving, and painfully adorable tale that I only regret not watching for the past 29 Christmases! 

And now we move onto an ace pick from Chris Love:

To answer the question posed on your blog "What is your favorite December holiday film and why", I will say it's Christmas Evil (a.k.a. You Better Watch Out). The idea of a man so obsessed with the holiday that he actually takes on the persona of Santa Claus throughout the year to me is both extremely creepy, and somewhat heartfelt at the same time due to Brandon Maggart's portrayal of the holiday obsessed man not being one note. While yeah, he does do bad things, you can understand where he's coming from, and you actually start rooting for him. It's his acting that takes a story that's pretty silly and elevates it into something great. Plus, that totally out there ending is a thing of beauty!

And I will say this... Silent Night Deadly Night 2? My second favorite holiday horror film of all time (no lie!). Sure, Garbage Day! is an awesome sequence, but when Ricky kills the blonde douchebag with the jumper cables, then his girlfriend starts yelling at him? Awesome-ness! "Punish!" "Uh-oh!" :)

Chris, be still my heart. As my old review of Christmas Evil shows, I absolutely adore that film. It's truly a special entry into the holiday horror canon, with a wonderful central performance and heartfelt theme. And "uh-oh" remains one of the best reactions to watching your boyfriend electrocute your ex-boyfriend ever captured on camera!

Moving onto more intentionally comedic films, Aaron of The Death Rattle and keeper of the Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema asks us to put a little love in our hearts:

My favorite holiday/Christmas film frequently changes and I don't have a mandatory film that I watch during the holiday season, but right now my favorite is Scrooged, starring Bill Murray; it's always been a favorite of mine, I love the feel-good breaking the fourth wall ending, and it's the movie that I'll be watching at some point on or around Christmas this year. I'm thinking a double feature of Scrooged and Santa's Slay (another favorite). Thanks!

Ah Aaron, I can't get through December without watching Carol Kane beat the chiffon out of Bill Murray. Funny to see so much love for Santa's Slay, a film I was fairly underwhelmed by a few years back because I felt it tried a touch too hard. Perhaps Christmas 2012 will be a chance to revisit and see if my opinions change, providing the world is still spinning by then. 

Keeping it in the comedic vein is everyone's favorite cannibal, Mattsuzaka of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. In his words:

After some serious internal debate, my answer is Gremlins. Gremlins narrowly beats out A Christmas Story as my favorite Holiday/December thingy movie because it has so many things that I love: Christmas, snow, Phoebe Cates (sigh), monsters, humor, horror, old Asian men, and Dick Miller.     

Nothing to argue with there! Gremlins is the kind of film I sit down for every few years, and it never gets tired. As dark as comedy can get while still being funny, yet still packed with genuine scares...plus, let's face it, the cutest li'l creature to grace our screens in the '80s:

It's almost illegally adorable!

Staying firmly in the '80s is Craig's vote for the only film that I know of to combine Christmas elves with Nazi medical experimentation:

I am sure someone has already submitted this, but...

because traditional Christmas recycles the same tired mythology over and over (fat man in suit with toys, reindeer, Grither, zzz).  ELVES incorporates all other elements of import to Western civilization like how to chain-smoke with a beard, abusive TV MILFs, and elf-science Nazis.  Everything that you need to know to be a good citizen is in ELVES.  They should just screen it for community college students, cancel the next two years of classes, and send them off to be paleontologists and English teachers and shit.  The money saved could fill the Medicare donut hole!

But, really, EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS should win this. And your blog is AWESOME...

Oh Craig, flattery is always appreciated (P.S.: remind me who to make that check out to). I haven't seen Elves since I was but a wee elf myself, but just about everything you said about it makes me think I NEED to rewatch it if I want to be a better person. Maybe I'll carefully time it for this coming early December so as to clean my slate in time for a Santa visit. 

Lastly but in no ways leastly is Ron's puntastic explanation for one of cinema's first real slashers:

Hello and please AXE-CEPT (I know corny as hell)  my comment entry into the 'An Infinite (Kinda) Giveaway!  Fangs for the opportunity! (I know, I know...another lame pun/play on words...I probably already disqualified myself and and lost the contest in advance)! But here's my entry nonetheless" 

For me, I really love the work of the late, great Bob Clark, a man who had such varied aplomb in the language of film that he successfully made two of the most diametrically opposed Christmas films of all time...BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) and A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983). While most are no doubt familiar with the latter, it's Clark's BLACK CHRISTMAS, for me! The precursor to the American slasher subgenre, that is bestowed the highest gift on my Christmas film favorites list. Abominable remake aside, BLACK CHRISTMAS not only set the bar, it pretty much authored the rules of the game. A lone stalker, identified through shaky POV shots, taunts and tortures a harem of sorority girls. Sound familiar? A harasser calling from inside the house? Banging any chimes? Thing is, aside from the pioneering, the film is actually anchored by good storytelling and solid performances from good actors. Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon...these are pros' pros...and what could easily be cast aside as B-movie pabulum actually turns out to be something far greater! At least for me, and I'm sure, thousands of other horror fans!

Have a Horrifically Wonderful  AXE-MAS ...ahem... X-MAS!  :-)

You know, I realized this year--and Ron's explanation certainly helps confirm it--that I REALLY need to give Black Christmas another go. I've only watched it one time, on a small computer screen with poor audio. Perhaps the time hath come to revisit one of the genre's most important--and yet in many ways, underappreciated--gems.

Preferably with a drink mixed by Margot

Thanks again to everyone for the entries! Now you just have to wait for me to ride my reindeer to the post office and get mailing (note: the apocalypse might happen before that does).

Santa Roll Call

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently renovated website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here, with a few edits. Apologies for the deja vu.

As I sprinkle my sugar cookies in anticipation of a certain cheerful home invader’s arrival, it seems fitting to consider, judge, and rank some of cinema’s Santariffic incarnations. Naturally, we’re not talking about Tim Allen (although that’s a horror in itself) 

7. Wayne, Santa Claws

Unless you really dig C-movie actresses rubbing teddy bears over their artificial bodies to one electronically synched beat playing on loop OR have a serious fear of garden weasels, there’s not much to love in this John A. Russo directed “horror” from 1996. Yes, that’s the same man whose name graces the screenwriting credit of Night of the Living Dead, but he’s seriously etched his name onto the naughty list with this soft(er than a fleece blanket)-core porn/autistic community theater production of a slasher film about a lonely man harnessing a fatal crush on Debbie Rochon. His way into her heart? Donning aforementioned garden weasel, dressing as Santa, spray painting his costume black, drugging her children with sedative-laced hot cocoa, and strangling a few of her competitors for the Scream Queen Christmas Calendar. It’s far worse than it sounds.

6. Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay

Little known fact: Santa is a gambling man, child hater, and crappy curling player. 1000 years ago, he lost a somewhat cheated bet with a claymation angel an as punishment, was forced to bring presents to all the well-behaved Christian kids of the world. A millennium’s worth of ho-ing breeds an awful lot of resentment in a man, so it’s not overly surprising to watch him slaughter his way through Rob Zombie-esque strippers and grumpy old ladies the second his spell wears off. Former WWE champ Bill Goldberg has a sort of Bill Mosely on steroids feel that works for the ridiculous character, but this Santa loses a point for a) not being a well-written film and b) stabbing the kindly Jewish butcher, who by any logic, should be one of the only characters a disgruntled Santa tired of giving gifts would spare. 

5. Mike McGavin, Elves

I’ve probably discussed this 1989 bottom feeding flick with far more energy than the one time I watched it fifteen or so years ago, but one can’t draw up a Ho Ho Horror list without citing Grizzly Adams himself donning the hopefully dry cleaned mall Santa suit and battling (sadly sans costume) a genetically engineered homicidal Nazi elf. How can you not root for a guy with naturally pruned facial hair that puts all polyester beard to shame?

4. Rebecca, Cuento de Navidad

Roseanne Barr shocked the television waves with the in-your-face realism of her small screen family, but we also can’t forget her glass ceiling shattering insistence on donning the big man’s suit for some extra December cash at the Lanford Mall. Paco Plaza’s The Christmas Tale features a similar twist: a mysterious dark-haired woman clad as Santa Claus has stolen $2 million and now finds herself trapped in a deep and lonely forest ditch, where her only salvation is a group of ‘80s infused children with mixed morality. I’d hate to spoil this excellent little offbeat thriller (found on the Spanish series Six Films to Keep You Awake), so just know that Rebecca does get to prowl the lonely woods with a sharpened axe and serious lack of Christmas spirit.

3. The Chapman Bros.Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3

Gifted with one of the easiest psychologically explained motives in slasher history (crazy grandpa’s insistence that Santa’s purpose is to discipline sinners; parents’ subsequent murder after cursing; an abusive nun wielding a switch at the sight of premarital sex) and one of the best one word mottos ever (PUNISH!), Silent Night, Deadly Night helped to set the popularize and polarize Christmas massacres for all time. Billy himself is something of a drip, but he does earn points for innovative slayings (including one involving a slay) and honoring the honor system by trusting “nice kids” and improvising presents. Yes, the knife you just used to kill a little girl’s older sister’s boyfriend may be a slightly inappropriate stocking stuffer, but it’s the thought that counts. Little brother Rickey is a little less effective as Old St. Nick (although his eyebrows alone could possibly steer eight reindeer solo). We’ll give him a pass for being an infant at the initial Chapman family tragedy, especially since he still managed to remember and recount that and the entire rest of Silent Night, Deadly Night to take up 60% of the running time of his first sequel.

2. Jack Skellington/Santy Claws, The Nightmare Before Christmas

When we really consider Jack’s Kringle skills in this stop motion animated masterpiece, we can’t be kinder than A for Effort, D for Execution (especially since all the kids seemed to survive--I mean...carry on). Mr. Claws, on the other hand, is kind of a pompous jerk with a sense of self-importance as big as his bloated waistline. Still, the little booted big man should be commended for cleaning up Jack’s mess with such speed and efficiency, not to mention introducing the concept of snowballs to Halloweentown. 

1. Harry Stadling, Christmas Evil 

He makes high quality presents. He’s a smooth dancer and thorough spy, but it’s Harry’s innocent yearlong yuletide spirit that really earns him the top spot. Sure, his standards for the Nice List are a little controversial (bad breath could be genetic and being “just darling” seems a little surface), but of all the cinematic characters to ever don a homemade wool jumpsuit, it’s Brandon Maggart’s Travis Bickle after too many candy canes from this 1980 low budget classic that makes the holiday. Although the stress of non-believers does eventually drive him to multiple homicide, Harry follows his own dream and is never happier than when donating a van full of handcrafted toys to a needy children’s hospital. He’s a taker of unworthy lives, but a giver of true joy. 

Mall Madness!

I suppose it's time to face the facts: 

Christmas is here. Hot chocolate is now commonly being sipped after spiked by my hands with whipped cream and cinnamon. And I'm already trembling with memories of my last year's post on The 12 Scares of Christmas (click to read). With the soprano shrieks of Carol of the Bells stabbing my inner ears, I figured I'd call back to 2009 with another post tragically dissolved by the demise of Pop Syndicate:

It may be shopping season, but you can bet your coupon book you won’t find me inside a heavily trafficked, swine flu spreading mall on any upcoming weekend this December. To prevent myself from being stampeded in a more painful manner than Lou Diamond Philips’ horse-trod friend in The First Power, I’m holding my own couch potato shopping spree with a marathon of all the best mall-centric horror. As a bonus for this season of gift giving generosity, I’m including a few suggestions for what to buy your loved one, inspired by these films but thankfully, available through any online retailer.

Dawn of the Dead(s)

It’s so good, there are two version of it...plus two more via the original’s deluxe DVD set, including an extended director’s cut and Dario Argento’s more compact and less humorous European release. Romero’s original hits upon all the hallmarks of a super shopping plaza--dressing rooms, arcades, ice rinks, great deals on hard candy--while also guilting its audience into acknowledging the consumerist culture zombification of the general public. Zack Snyder’s 2004 remake tries to make its characters act deeper than their freeloading ways suggest, but ultimately, the audience is hard-pressed to agree with Ving Rames’ plan to leave the safest, most comfortable and accommodating location one could hope to loiter in during a time of disaster. How could anyone surrender such a place when it’s scored to the relaxing chords of Richard Cheese?

Gift Idea: If you’re still in the ‘70s or now inhabiting Texas, I’m sure a fully featured shotgun would make any sweetheart sigh with stars in his or her eyes. While many folks have issues with firearms, most would most likely understand you’re only looking out for their safety in the wake of an inevitable zompacalypse. For a less controversial couples holiday present, consider a video camera (for you know, videotaping exercise?), telescope for those late night stargazings dates that best help one forget the very recent death of a parent, crowd pleasing DVD like National Lampoon’s Animal House, or border collie mix for security and affection.

Bio Zombie

You can only watch Dawn of the Dead so many times before you ask yourself: how would this improved by the presence of Bill Espresten Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan? Sadly, it seems doubtful that Keanu Reeves will ever break out his Wyld Stallions denim and would be incredibly depressing if Alex Winter squeezed back into his midriff-baring tee shirt. Thankfully, there’s Bio Zombie, a 1998 Hong Kong zomedy that plants two humorously rude mallrats into a zombie invaded shopping complex. It’s hard not to have a good time with jokes about Titanic, human appendage sushi, and low budget noshing. The only drawback? The film takes place after closing hours, thus limiting the feasting to lingering leftovers and some likable employees.

Gift Idea: A Precious Moments figurine to show your tender side and take your love back to his or her first Communion. 

Chopping Mall

The title says it all. Well, not really, as ‘chopping’ calls to mind axes and not killer robots using lasers to punish shoplifters and scandalous store employees sneaking into a mall for an overnight sleepover. But hey, it’s still gravy when you get to watch bratty teen delinquents picked off one by one by security guards that make Terminators look like Quakers. Now if only the inevitable Paul Blart franchise goes enough entries in to feature a crossover...

Gift Idea: An aromatic stick of pepperoni, a little known aphrodisiac for the Saturday sale-grubbing crowd

Elves

I previously mentioned this film when discussing misleading titles, as we never see more than one of the titular monster in this 1989 horror dud. Still, tis the season for an Xmas themed mall massacre, and to my knowledge, Elves marks the first and somehow only meeting of two hallmarks of the holiday season: Grizzly Adams and Nazis. What, you didn’t know Josef Mengele was working on creating a superrace of angry little people for world domination? Did you even pass junior high history? Sadly we’re not here to discuss Hitler’s relationship with vertically challenged henchmen (yes, that was added just so I can throw a reference out to Hard Rock Zombies) so Elves makes this shopping list due to its partial setting inside a giant department store. Like Chopping Mall, the promiscuous leads sneak in after hours to seduce some teenage boys and battle a fairly ridiculous monster. This one just happens to be a very pink, very short German.

Gift Idea: Sportswear. Yes, the girls model some frilly teddies made of more lace than a casserole doily, but it’s the blue bathing suit on the blond that the ladies and gentlemen deem sleepover worthy. Plus, it’s much easier to maneuver a killer elf when you don’t have to worry about frilly fabric getting stuck in automatic doors. Just because an outfit is intended for intimate occasions does not mean one should ignore its practicality in the event of Nazi sorcery sponsored slaughter.

Eight Legged Freaks

Holing yourself up inside an armored supercenter is certainly one way to evade an arac-attack. The downside? Once locked in, there are only so many tools that prove successful at combating gigantic toxic waste infused spiders before they suck out your innards in a colorfully PG-13-esque manner.

Gift Idea: An easy to carry, strongly scented bottle of reasonably priced perfume or cologne. True, your lady or male friend/teacher/relation may not be thrilled with the smell, but any old brand will show you care...especially when said gift receiver finds him or herself standing face-to-fuzzy-face with Shelob’s descendent who, conveniently enough, is quite sensitive to flowery sprits. 

The Final Destination

It was only a matter of time before this perfectly toned dead teenager franchise took to the malls. Between automatic gates and ink blot security tags, it’s a wonder this fourth installment wasn’t set entirely inside an indoor shopping center. Instead, we get treated to seeing what would actually happen if your loose shoelaces get stuck at the top of your average escalator. The results, as you might expect, are fabulously not fun (for the characters; those of us watching are having a great time).

Gift Idea: Comfy velcro-based sneakers. Anything else is the equivalent of coating your loved one in honey, sugar, and blood, then tying them to the coastal point where sea meets land and the Grim Reaper’s esteemed collection of killer bees, ants, and sharks come to feed.