The Youth of Amer--er, England

Let's start with the obvious: Eden Lake is not Eden Log.

However, because they sounded the same and word on the Internet Super Highway was that one was good and one was not, I, being someone unable to tell similar things apart (don't even try to tell me the difference between Grimm and Once Upon a Time or Chicago Hope and ER; I refuse to care), never wanted to risk watching the one that was not good. There are enough well-enough-regarded horror films out there in the world that I can surrender one without trying.

Well, upon a little random internet investigation (aka, I read something somewhere and forgot where so I can't give credit where it might have been due), I learned that Eden LAKE (not Log) happens to involve violent teenagers. Teenagers CAN be grouped in the 'darned kids' category that I forever celebrate, particularly in this snow-covered month party of vertically challenged villains. 

So I figured, why not take a dip?

One more thing!

To add to the confusion, Eden LOG is directed by a man named Frank Vestiel, whose credits include being the assistand director on the French film Ils (aka Them), which just so happens to also be about punk kids tormenting a couple. Eden Lake, which is ABOUT punk kids tormenting a couple, is directed by James Watkins of The Woman In Black 

(which is not at all about punk kids tormenting a couple, but does have a lot of monkey dolls)

Got that?

Quick Plot: Steve (long-torsoed darling Michael Fassbender) is whisking his girlfriend Kelly away for a weekend with the aim of proposing. He's expecting to take her to the titular Eden Lake region for a peaceful swim and quaint pub dinners at warm bed and breakfasts. 

Instead, they find rude bartenders, thin motel walls, bad parking, and worst of all, lots of teenagers.

Here's the thing: teenagers are terrifying creatures. 

Not all of them. I'm sure there are plenty of ninth graders who would happily help an elderly lady cross the street without picking her pocket. Individual teenagers are typically just fine. But take that nice, non-pocket-picking fifteen-year-old and stick him with five of his peers, let's say just TWO of whom WOULD pick that pocket, and I guarantee he'll be emptying her savings account and eating every last one of her hard candies while throwing the wrappers on her floor. 

Peer pressure, man. 

Before you can start smoking like the cool kids, Steve and Jenny have caught the shifty eyes of a gaggle of bratty teens and their barking rottweiler. Ever the alpha male, Steve just can't seem to walk away from their antics, leading to slashed tires, stolen bags, stabbed dogs, and, you know, being hunted and tortured.

Looks like Steve should have gone the old fashioned route and just proposed via jumbo-tron, where nothing can possibly go wrong.

Eden Lake is a well-made and effective horror film, though not necessarily that special of one. Similar in both style and quality to the remake of The Last House On the Left, it gives us an easily identifiable situation laden with the kind of small choices that lead to an amped up cat-and-mouse hunt covered in blood, flames, and, well, poop.

This IS the same man who wrote The Descent 2: The Poopening, after all.

Made right in the midst of the early 21st century torture boom, Eden Lake doesn't shy away from its horrors, nor does it exploit them where unnecessary. We see the effects of violence more than the acts itself, and since the tools used all have some wear themselves (rusted barbed wire, all-purpose box cutters), that's horrifying enough. Yes, terrible things happen, but director Watkins is wise in where and when he chooses to pull the camera away, focusing more on a safe character's reactions to a boy screaming than the brutal act that kills him.

This isn't a 'light' film by any means: terrible things happen to the young and old, guilty and innocent. There's certainly a heavy dose of nihilism that may sour or enhance the experience, viewer taste dependent. The fact that Watkins followed this outing up with the very strong, very different The Woman In Black makes me even more intrigued to see how he'll develop in the genre.

High Points

Apparently, Eden Lake drew some criticism for being perceived as 'classist' in showing the lower working class as villains relishing in the torture of yuppies. I don't think that's its intent in any way, though I did feel one of the film's subtle strengths is how it suggests a sort of generational culture of abuse. It's not that the English poor are prone to violence, but that the parents (who we casually meet at different moments in the film) continue the cycle of either punishing their kids too harshly (as noted when we see a mother slap her young son in public at a restaurant) or ignoring the weight of their misbehavior (as the waitress brushes off Steve's comment with defensiveness rather than concern). Eden Lake isn't trying to provide answers as to how to stop this kind of attitude, but it poses the questions in a careful way.

Low Points

For the most part, Jenny and Steve don't make the kind of annoyingly dumb moves designed to make viewers roll their eyes, but occasionally, we're still forced to let out annoyed sighs (i.e., when wondering what one character did all night to remedy the situation)

Lessons Learned

Don't wear gold tops if you're planning on spilling blood on them

Never talk smack about a small town's youth to a local waitress. With the platter comes the power, as I always say between pointed thank yous and pleases

Arya Stark is a badass; a fifteen-year-old British teenager in modern times with an uncanny resemblance to Arya Stark is less badass, but far more terrifying

Rent/Bury/Buy

As far as modern horror goes, Eden Lake is good, if unexceptional. Ils (assistant directed by the guy who made Eden Log, not Eden Lake; did I mention how confusing that is?) is, in my opinion, a more unique telling of a similar story, but those who appreciate sharp modern horror, Michael Fassbender in pain, or the potential terror of a group of adolescents will certainly find something worthwhile in this one.

Dolly's Gone Haywire!

Dolly Parton is easily my favorite living celebrity, an entertainer with enough cheerful spirit and musical talent to make Tennessee a worthy vacation destination (I’m heading there for the third time this spring). Hence, when the South’s favorite blond was line dancing back to the big screen, it seemed a natural recommend for my other favorite below Mason Dixoner, T.L. Bugg.

That’s right homefries: The Lightning Bug’s Lair is brimming with Joyful Noise, so hitch up yer horse and gallop on over for Zack’s what-I-imagine-must-be-rave-review. On my end, the Bugg sent me out on a covert mission to see Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire. There’s less gospel singing and more ass kicking, but balance is important in this day and age. Just ask Dolly’s bras.

Quick Plot: Mallory Kane (MMA star Gina Carano) sits down for a cup of tea in an upstate diner when the boring guy from the only bad Step Up movie comes in to talk and fight. REALLY fight.

Winning round 1, Mallory enlists the aide of a curious customer with wheels and speeds away on the snowy road, telling her story to him and more importantly, us.

See, Mallory has one of those jobs that we only know about because of movies like Haywire. She’s a covert operative something something, an esteemed professional who negotiates and executes super duper dangerous plans around the world. Her last mission in Barcelona—to grab a journalist that had been taken hostage—went so well that she now gets a quickie job in Dublin via her boss and ex-lover (the young Obi Wan Kenobi) to pose as the wife of fellow operative/hot person Michael Fassbender. When a few details become suspect, Mallory finds herself back in combat and on the run.

Steven Soderbergh is easily one of modern cinema’s most interesting directors, both behind the camera and away from it. In terms of technique, he’s created some genuine marvels (Traffic, The Limey) and plenty of worthy experiments. As if flicking on a light switch, he can seemingly shoot out a commercially appealing mainstream vehicle without pandering to a less arty audience, only to turn around half a year later with a made-for-peanuts indie that butts any theater formula. Oh, and he’s currently working on a film based on Channing Tatum’s experiences as a male stripper.

Why aren’t more people as shocked/fascinated by this as I am?

Anyway, Haywire falls somewhere in between Soderbergh’s experiments and crowd pleasers. It’s an action film, to be sure, but one clearly crafted by someone with ambition and more importantly, creativity. We’ve seen badass hot chicks in hand-to-hand combat, but Soderbergh stages his battles in a way that lets you actually SEE them, pulling the camera back and stopping the music to let each punch and bang resonate. Thinking back to my annoyance with the well-received Crazies remake (which I disliked for its close quarters-with-no-context fight scenes) makes me appreciate the patience and trust someone like Soderbergh has in his work.

And yet American audiences seem to essentially hate Haywire, awarding it a cinemascore of a D+ and spending their cash instead on George Lucas’ Lando apology or Kate Beckinsale’s leather workout. Did moviegoers feel victim to a bait ‘n switch, expecting ‘splosions and shootouts only to be insulted with storyline and a smidgen of dialogue?

I don’t understand the odd venom for Haywire because you know what? I rather liked it. Gina Carano isn’t an Oscar ready actress, but you know what? She doesn’t have to be. She’s believable, likable, and most importantly, great to watch and that in itself keeps Haywire as a film to care about. The supporting cast is overflowing with Soderbergh vets (Michael Douglas!), personal faves (Bill Paxton!) and underrated stars playing against type (sleazy Antonio Banderas!). While the storyline occasionally feels a tad more complicated than it has to be, it tracks back easily enough once we reach the third act.

Maybe the ending wasn’t big enough for some audiences? I can imagine some viewers may have felt like each fight follows the same beats, meaning the ending (no spoilers) doesn’t satisfy in the more obvious Big Boss Battle route would have. It’s a fair criticism if that’s how you felt, but sit back to consider the fact that this is probably how these fights WOULD flow, and just because MacGregor knows how to use a lightsaber does not mean we should see some Jedi mind tricks in a stylized but reality-based action film. Plus, the final line of the film is kind of hilarious in a simple and wraparound way.

High Points

Ewan MacGregor. Bill Paxton. Antonio Banderas. AND Michael Fassbender?

Apparently Steven Soderbergh has the same taste in man as me.

One of my main irks with the action genre is the cold blooded ambivalence it generally has towards civilian bystanders, giving the audience minor laughs or thrills as random passerbys get caught up in gunfire or used as human shields (I still love you though, Total Recall).  While some unlucky folks do find themselves in the way, the character of Mallory actively tries to prevent them from being killed, whether it’s warning some proud state troopers, non-fatally putting down some Spanish officers, or guaranteeing the safety of her game driver

Low Points

Channing Tatum, I understand that you have physical appeal and a weird muse-like hold over your new bestie Steven Soderbergh but please, for the love of all your muscle tees, OPEN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SPEAK!

Lessons Learned

Never let an enemy order hot coffee when sitting across from your face

iPhones might have their charms, but nothing says superspy like a burner Blackberry

Don’t forget about the deer. NEVER forget about the deer

See/Skip/Sneak In

I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Haywire on the big screen, but my $11 could easily have been spent on the latest Paracinema Magazine and a few rolls of toilet paper (I ran out). It’s a good film and more importantly, a genuinely special action movie so if you have the time and means, use that cash to make a point about what kind of cinema you’d like to see studios make. Or go see Joyful Noise because Dollywood could always use a new rollercoaster. The choice is yours, but you know what’s not? The freedom to choose which website to visit next. That answer is right here.