Let's Ride An Italian Stallion To Stationary Independence!

If you’re like me this summer, the word 'vacation' has no meaning. Isn't that awesome? Think of all the stab-happy hillbillies you won't have to flee, the cell phone signals in your office so strong they'll leave bruises, and the now unnecessary adorable but sickle-wielding Amish kids who hate you because corn told them they should.

That’s right, think positive. We're not talking about all the pina coladas we're not drinking, the fanny packs not usefully serving as storage and belly fat coverup or the license plate keychains we don’t even get to search through for our names. If you mention such glories of vacation, I'll have my cell phone signal punch you in the face.

So to combat the utter sluggishness of, you know, not going anywhere, let's GO somewhere! Virtually! It's like a futuristic road trip without the leg cramps and motion sickness.

First, break out that gold chain and spray tan for The Blood Sprayer's Italian Invasion! The always busy horror site is busting with special posts on giallo, Bava, cannibalism, and more. It's way better than Domino's pizza, unless you're drunk and Domino's pizza is then way better than just about anything in the world that ever existed ever. If you need a starting point, head yonder here for my own review of my frenemy Dario Argento's 1987 pseudo-Phantom adaption, Opera. 

Yup, this happens.

My, that was exotic! International even! We need to balance this virtualation with some good old fashioned American moviedom, namely, a bunch of indie flicks over at Rogue Cinema.This month, I reviewed the found footage horror Evil Things and the unique mystery Dogs Lie. There's plenty more in the August Issue, including an interview with Tim "Doll Man" (or more excitingly to me, Gangland) Thomerson.

He's the one that reallllllly wants to get to Arizona.

Wasn’t that fun? And look, there was no humorless fondling by TSA agents or socially awkward hitchhikers to make us feel uncomfortable with the stat of Texas. Heck, nobody even broke into our house when we were gone to steal our famous jewels and then get stuck inside an evil death trap orchestrated by our no-good exterminator! 

Maybe vacations aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Keep telling yourself that Emily.

The Good, The Bad, The Weird, The Rogue Cinema, The Shirley

New stuff 1: Girls On Film
New episode time! My fellow movie-loving ladies and I gathered around our SKYPE-ready devices to discuss the New Zealand modern classic, Once Were Warriors (starring Jango Fett! and technically Boba Fett and every Stormtrooper on the Death Star if you think about it...) and Kim Jee-Woon's hit Korean western, The Good, The Bad, The Weird. It's two hours of movie talk for your ears and fear not: any dead air is carefully filled with discussions about bras. And occasionally, cats. Primarily because I realized that Korean actor Kang-Ho Song (Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance) is pretty much the human personification of Mookie, at least when he's playing the shlumphy chubby dude in films like The Host.

Trust me on this.

Head to iTunes to download the newest episode or stream it fresh over at http://girlsonfilm.podomatic.com

New Stuff 2: Rogue Cinema 
The new July issue is blazing through the Interwaves, so head over for lots of indie film talk, plus three of my own reviews for the short film Quick Shop, the collection of not-safe-for-vegetarians shorts, The Collective, and a tattooee's worst nightmare, Degenerates Ink.

New Stuff 3: Shirley
West Virginian flea markets are a world unto their own, a magical universe that can be filled with anything from hand-carved coffee tables to hand-made fireworks. I recently had the pleasure of spending the most important dollar of my life on the following:

I have dubbed her Shirley. No, I do not know her history, which includes who fathered her brewing baby or where her shoes went. But I do know that she now lives in the Doll's House with such other doll-esque luminaries as the Moscow-grown Yolki Polki Goldenberg...

Creepy Sister Selden Thrift

and the freakish thing purchased from a now deceased dollar store

Here's a closer thing at The Greatest Thing Ever

Unlike the others, I'm pretty sure I won't wake up to find Shirley hovering over my bed with a knife or mace in her hand. She's got more important things to worry about, right?

June Is Busting Out All Over Your Ovaries (but not quite that--well, um...)

New stuff!

1. A new month means a new issue of Rogue Cinema, so hop on your hoverboard and skate over here for, among other things, my review of the romantic drama Lovers In a Dangerous Time and an interview with Skew director Seve Schelenz. Stick around for tons of more content, with reviews of new indie releases and discussions with more film folks, including Hobo With a Shotgun director Jason Eisner.

B. Skip that venti frappaccino today and give your $7 to a far more noble cause: Paracinema! Yes, this is an ACTUAL PRINT MAGAZINE filled with original content on all the films you love or love but don't know about yet. Issue #12 features some typically great stuff, including an article on Kiyoshi Kurosawa bu VCinema's Josh Samford, some nostalgia on Explorers from Baby Eater Matt House, an interview with genre luminary (and Leprechaun 3 director!) Brian Trenchard-Smith, and original artwork you won't want to dog-ear. Go GIT it!

III. Need some sweet lady voices in your life? Prefer to hear those sirens ramble on about paint huffing, incest, and unusual genital designs? Then head to iTunes or podomatic for the newest episode of Girls On Film Radio. Myself and a few lovelier ladies tackle Alexander Payne's first film, Citizen Ruth (drink every time we say 'abortion'!) and a Japanese Criterion classic from 1963 called The Insect Woman. Shockingly enough, we somehow avoided bra talk this week, although I like to think that's made up for with adorable dog snoring.

Four. Those of you with a weakness for showtunes, pop music, or sweater vests probably already listen to GleeKast, the podcast myself and knitting pro extraordinaire Erica host on everybody's favorite/most hated Fox musical. Even so, allow me to remind you that our last 'official' episode is now available for download. We're taking a mini-hiatus to breathe and dedazzle, but we'll be back this summer with more bonus content on all things ridiculousness. 

Bonus points if you catch/agree with my Troll reference.

Stufffffffffffffff!

I love 1988’s The Blob. You should too. There’s absolutely no reason to not. If you need more proof, download the latest Girls on Film to hear me and a few special gals make audio love to one of the ‘80s’ greates horror movies.

It's gooey.

Also, there’s talk of Tokyo Gore Police and an extended discussion about shopping for bras in clearance bins.

It's educational.

In other news, there’s a new Rogue Cinema issue online, wherein you can find my reviews of the sleazy (in a good way) The Super, plus the anthology Tales of the Undead and the serial killer meanie The 11th Aggression. Go get some!

Lastly, the real reason you're still reading:

Let’s face it: you came here to be BurlyQ’d. And the best way to do that? Download the GleeKast Meets Podcast Podcast commentary track of course! How else are you going to hear a whole bunch of overly intoxicated podcasters impersonate Cher singing television theme songs of the ‘80s? 

So slip on those glitter butthands leotards and wagon wheel watusi your way to iTunes!

Marchness!

Raise the ceilings folks! We’ve survived the onslaught of evil children, deadly dolls, German dwarfs, lustful dummies, petite clowns, itty bitty cowboys, puppet people, manitous, angry fetuses, homicidal incarnations of aborted fetuses, and babies possessed by the angry spirit of cabaret dancing little men. The First (Probably) Annual Month of the Vertically Challenged Villains hath ended, so stretch your legs stand tall.

But don’t brag about it. Some of us still need to buy capri pants in order to not have to hem, thank you.

Anyhoosers, March will get swinging soon with a potpouri of upcoming reviews but before that, I’ve got a pile of announcements in need of being shared. Among them:

-Paracinema, my favorite magazine of all time (no conflict of interest was contained in that statement) has a new issue out, and my friends, it is something truly special. Issue 11 is composed entirely of genre film articles written by those rare and mysterious beasts known as Women. 

You might have noticed I never really addressed the fact that February was Women in Horror Month. Part of it was my preoccupation with a more endangered minority (the shorties) but the other is that I don’t have any overwhelming amount to say about it. The idea is great, but when I think about all the incredible bloggesses I get the pleasure to read, I don’t necessarily see a need to single them out as a rarity. I like to believe we’re in an age where having estrogen doesn’t negate or validate your genre film parking ticket, and I think Paracinema’s Women’s Issue is further proof that smart, literate, and cinematically minded females are in no danger of disappearing. 

Head over to Paracinema's pretty new website to get your copy, and expect true happiness (and fine, maybe your period) to follow. Read such luminaries as The Horror Digest’s Andre Dumas, The Blood Sprayer’s queen Kristy Jett, Buried In a Book Crypt’s Ashlee, and yeah, Me as we pontifiicate on a variety of filmic magic. On my part, you get the chance to finally hear how I feel about George Romero’s evolutionary feminism. I’ll leave it there and expect you to complete the rest.

-Elsewhere in the Interworld, it’s Marcharaimi over at a blog that most definitely does not suck, and not just ‘cause it’s called Things That Don’t Suck. The extremely talented Bryce is dedicating the tail end of March into April to the gooey mind behind Evil Dead with a blogathon of epic Deadite proportions. I urge and implore you all to give it a gander. Raimi fans can’t lose, and readers who dig smart commentary on books and film can find few better resources than TTDS.

-Another field trip! March is a new month at Rogue Cinema, and as always, a new batch of indie film goodness is baking in the oven known as That Website. As always, it’s a great way to learn about some under the radar fare. Head on over and see what you find, paying, I would hope, special attention to my interview with the smart and promising Steve Gibson, director of the new clever ghost story-meets-Ghost Hunters chiller The Feed.

-As always, there are GleeKasts and Girls On Film Radio Podcasts floating around the Internet for your ears to experience. Hear the impassioned GoF Oscars show, where we beg the gods in vain for a Winter’s Bone victory (apparently we should have been asking for The Best Film of The Year to get ANY MENTIONS WHATSOVER in the many montage-y bits compiled on select nominated films). There was also a divisive episode on Calvaire that led to intense girlfights. Pillows were abused. And John Hawkes was sainted.

-Also, March marks a certain extravaganza known as HorrorHound Weekend and by golly, let the extravagance begin! If you're planning on being anywhere near Indianapolis in the last weekend of the month, be sure to stop by for the festivities, and I don't mean a photo op with Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys star Corey Feldman. Sure, you can spend some time pondering how small your hand looks inside of Ken Foree's mitty handshake, but I'm more excited to have the chance to see some of my favorite bloggers, podcasters, and general Internet entities. Fun will be had, so drop a line here if you're planning on going. Just don't expect me to hold your place in the line for Boondock Saints' autographs.

-Finally, now comes the time where I address that small but vital portion of the Doll’s House readers who have suffered in silence for two years: the knitters. My dear friend and GleeKast cohostess Erica has joined the esteemed Order of the Bloggers with her own site, Knit’s a Small World. Now I don’t know a cross-stitch from a lower level Disney movie set in Hawaii, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to share Erica’s adventures in yarn with those who do. The site’s here and will be added to the blogroll. Knit’s official.

On that note, it seems fitting to toast one of my usually least favorite months with a bowl of Lucky Charms soaked in Guiness. That’s how we non-Irish do it, and trust me: we do it well.

HallowStuff

During this Best Month Of the Year, many fine and ambitious bloggers load up on the energy-high-ifying candy corn pumpkins and produce a post a day, which is impressive and near impossible when your fingers are growing as chubby as candy corn pumpkins by eating, well, so many candy corn pumpkins.

Once again, I'm nowhere near organized enough to truly put together a huge October plan, but I'll do my best to attempt to produce Halloween-themed content, be it a review of Satan's Little Helper or an announcement of my costume plans (tick tock, tick tock, tick shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit).

But in between stressful candy corn gorging in the hopes of formulating a Halloween plan, I've been busy elsewhere, namely Rogue Cinema. This month, you can find two new reviews of intriguing short films, including Joel Reid's Death By Death, Tyler Cathey's 5ive,  plus an interview with The Absent's writer/director, Sage Bannick

Head there for a batch of other interesting musings on film criticism, indie flicks, and Grindhouse goodness (and badassness).


Also this week, GleeKast! A new episode featuring Stamos drool, ultimatums, and inappropriate sexual activities in the library. You know you want to dance along, so download and enjoy...bitch.

Oh oh! And remember dear Eastern Americans (or as I like to call, Eastericans), should you be in or anywhere NEAR the Wuh-ster area of Massachusetts next weekend (October 15th-17th) you BEST be stopping by the annual Rock 'N Shock horror convention. Guests include some dude with a ponytail named George, Bill Esprestin Esquire, Ruggero "The Barbarian" Deodato, and more. More importantly, I'll be hanging out all through Saturday and Sunday with GleeKast cohostess Erica, plus a bunch of other supercool Internet people. So really, unless you're a Yankees fan or have some other allergy to New England, we'll see each other soon, yes?

Friday Festivus!

Palavr!

Say it loud and there's music playing. Say it soft and it's like quieter music playing. But type it in your browser and it's a kickass party so epic, the police were called...to bring more beer.

Many of you remember the virtual hangout that was Pop Syndicate, home to popping podcasts, my Friday column, and some of the best forum discussions on the 'net (ouch. sorry, I just watched Survival of the Dead and my lingo may be a little...old). Due to some unpleasantness, The Powers That Be have since launched Palavr, a new virtual playground now open all day and night.


What you'll find at this jumpin' joint:

-Podcasts, podcasts, and more podcasts, including Outside the Cinema, the Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema, ShowShow, Night of the Living Podcast, Chinstroker vs. Punter, the me-visiting Girls On Film Radio, and the me co-hosted GleeKast, plus oodles more audio pleasure


-Forums, forums, and more forums, both for above listed podcasts and general topics. I don't lie when I say the people at Palavr are some of the funnest, sharpest, and welcoming Internet identities out there and trading movie recommendations, America's Next Top Model predictions and sandwich recipes with them is truly a joy. Best of all, you get email notifications when your posts are responded to, meaning you can stay current without all the work involved in favoriting a page. Yes, I'm normally that lazy


-More stuff coming, including more polls and blogs and frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and...whatever (yes, direct quote from The Muppets Take Manhattan) so sign up and stay in the loop!

Also new this week:

The September issue of Rogue Cinema , an indie-filmcentric webzine that features my latest reviews of four films:


-Aliens vs. homeless vs. archeologists vs.Tom Savini in the action/sci-fi/horror Unearthed 

-Evil twin/sleazy science teacher slashing in Sage Bannick's The Absent 

and two shorts:


-Davide Melini's visually striking The Sweet Hand of the White Rose 

-Todd Miro's effective little haunted house yarn, Enter the Dark 

Did I forget something? I DID.


Before you head to the beach to fight piranhas, Eli Roth and the heat on this holiday weekend, allow me to announce the winner of my way-back contest. To start, I loved reading each and every recommendation. I can't thank my contributors enough for insisting--all with great reason--I watch some classic and not-so-classic (Alone In the Dark, here we come!) films immediately. As promised, I will be reviewing every film recommended, complete with publishing your responses. Some may take a little longer to find, but rest assured, September and October will see them all viewed and reviewed!


As for the winner(s), I can honestly say I've never had to do anything harder in my life. Sure, crossing over a roller coaster track in a closing Korean amusement park when the exit was locked was intimidating, but this was just cruel. How could I choose when all these responses made me smile, laugh, and feel terribly inadequate for not watching more movies?


Hence, I'm declaring two winners, a pair that made me feel as though I was missing out on one of the true genre classics. 

To Shiftless Jeff and Ghoul Friday (writer/artist of http://www.ghoulfriday.com/ )  I salute you. A care package will be sent your way once I find the appropriate goodies and figure out what days the nearest post office is open after my work hours.


And as for a preview of upcoming reviews, the following films are coming up:


House By the Cemetery
Psycho II
Terror Train
The Eye AND The Eye 2 (thanks Barb)
Street Trash
The Omega Man
Sugar Hill
Silent Running
Riki-Oh
Tenebrae
Alone In the Dark (the Tara Reid with a bun one)
The Abominable Dr. Phibes
Blood Feast
The Wolfman
Ringu
Wrong Turn 2
Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance


Deep breath folks! We've a long road ahead of us.

Tuesday Tossup

Two new reviews!...elsewhere

1. Barbara Stepansky's Fugue, an eerie thriller with a vaguely Rosemary's Babyish atmosphere peppered by some realistically executed psychology. Creepy and far smarter than your average pretty-pregnant-woman-in-peril horror.

Head here for my Rogue Cinema review

2. Self-proclaimed Insane Mike Saunders and Jason Bolinger's Legend Has It, a meta slasher about typical dead teenager stereotypes who discover that they're actually stuck inside a horror movie. Quite clever and enthusiastically executed, with a bonus cameo by genre goddess Linnea Quigley.


This way for more.


Also, glee (or just gleeKast) fans can follow me yonder or just head to iTunes for the tentative season finale, wherein Erica, myself, and special guest star Mel(byForce, First Lady of Outside the Cinema and esteemed blogger of Quest For the Classics) discuss Journey. We'll be taking a bit of a summer hiatus, although if we all bug her enough, I'm convinced we can get Erica to agree to a bonus episode that covers the Step Up series and, more pressingly, Hockey Mom, starring Jessalyn "Terry Shuester" Gilsig and Jason Priestly.

Tagline? The Puck Stops Here

It can't not be great, right?

Approximately 6 Years Ago...

I had just started my first post-college job as a professional dog walker...

Yoda's atrocious remake of The Stepford Wives was making its bid to be the worst theatrically released comedy of all time...

Kevin Kangas' Fear of Clowns  was about a week into distribution, slowly introducing the world to the sexy calendar pinup possibilities of bare chested clowns with active gym memberships...

And Rogue Cinema was birthing its way through a clean Internet womb (or at least, one far less messy than XTRO 's gutty emergence)...

Which leads us to today's news, i.e., there's a new issue of Rogue  burning up the world wide web with Calrissian charm and lots of indie goodies. Most notably (or relevant) are two interviews conducted by yours truly, including one with up and coming filmmaker Phil Stevens (Frank Edge Jr) and another  with everybody's favorite Maryland madman, Kevin "Fear of Clowns 2 " Kangas.

Go there now. 

A few more things, if you didn't listen and are still here:


1. Yes, I'm aware it's been a full three days with no new poll. This will be explained shortly. Your anticipation should be providing a slightly pleasant burning sensation right about now.


2. No Pop Syndicate column this week due to Life or Something Like It (seriously; I've been watching that Angelina Jolie-goes-blonde movie on loop for a week and I simply can't think straight) but it shall return in seven days.

3. Only 6 days left for The Contest!  I'm incredibly excited to tackle some of the recommended films but absolutely terrified to choose a winner from the wonderful entries, so make my life harder why dontcha and send me a recommendation from the provided list . You have until June 9th, because that's an easy number for me to remember.


4. And yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But you'll have to survive the current heat wave with good intentions in order to meet him at his best.