Jerry Lewis credited as playing...
Melvin Jones
- Melvin Jones: Lose something?
- Naval Doctor: No, but I think you did. Where's your heart?
- Melvin Jones: You're the doctor.
- Melvin Jones: [Betty Hutton in a cameo kisses Al and leaves] Wasn't that...?
- Al Crowthers: Hetty Button.
- Chief Bos'n Mate: Have you ever considered any other branch of the service? The Army recruiting office is just down the street, you know.
- Melvin Jones: Oh thanks gobs, gob, but I gotta get in the Navy. It's practically doctor's orders, practically.
- Chief Bos'n Mate: Doctor's orders?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, yes, sir. You see, it's my allergies, and my doctor says I need ocean travel and this is the only way I can afford it.
- Al Crowthers: Who was your toughest fight?
- Melvin Jones: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, the toughest fight I had was with, ah, Gene Tierney. That was the toughest fight.
- Al Crowthers: Gene Tierney? You mean Gene Tunney.
- Melvin Jones: You fight who you want, I fight who I want.
- Melvin Jones: Excuse me, handsome.
- CPO Lardoski: Where do you get that handsome stuff?
- Melvin Jones: Didn't I hear that man call you a pretty officer?
- CPO Lardoski: [Growling] He said, "Petty officer."
- [Melvin sticks his tongue out at him behind his back]
- Al Crowthers: Make him believe you've been a fighter all your life. Then he'll be so scared that when you lift your arm, he'll fall right down.
- Melvin Jones: Yeah?
- Al Crowthers: I wouldn't let anything happen to you, would I?
- Melvin Jones: We'll soon find out.
- Al Crowthers: Put on the act right now. Go ahead.
- [talks loud so the other fighter can hear him]
- Al Crowthers: Listen, Melvin, how long you been fightin'?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I been fightin' now for about, ah, sisteen years.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen?
- Melvin Jones: Yeah. Oh, it's about sisteen years.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen. What do you mean?
- Melvin Jones: Sisteen. Fourteen, fifteen, sisteen.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen. Oh, sure. How many - how many fights have you had altogether?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, altogether now, when you add them up, I had, ah, 101 fights.101.
- Al Crowthers: Yeah.
- Melvin Jones: I win them all - but a hundred.
- Al Crowthers: Good. Where - where are you from originally?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, I moved.
- Al Crowthers: You moved?
- Melvin Jones: Yeah. Originally I come from Newark, New Jersey. That's my hometown. And I started fightin' there, I was just a kid. I think I was...
- Al Crowthers: How old were you?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, about sisteen years old.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen?
- Melvin Jones: Like before. Fourteen, fifteen...
- Al Crowthers, Melvin Jones: Sisteen.
- Naval Doctor: [Unable to find a heartbeat] Be a good boy now and tell the doctor where your heart is.
- Melvin Jones: You'll find out. I'm no stool pigeon.
- Hilda Jones: Everybody should donate to the blood bank. What type are you?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, the quiet type. I go to bed at nine o'clock, see a movie now and then, read some books, play checkers...
- Hilda Jones: No! I mean what kind of blood have you?
- Melvin Jones: Red.
- Melvin Jones: Why d'ya put the bandage on my hand before ya put the gloves on?
- Al Crowthers: So when you hit'm, you won't break your knuckles.
- Melvin Jones: Why don't you put some on my shoes so I won't wear them out from running away from him?
- Melvin Jones: There's no basis for metabolism, certain unaware of the fact that there are other men concerned here, and you still can't feel that a physical being is abstract. You've got to base the full heart and soul on the ingredients that other people are aware of the fact that physical being is isn't even evolved. Isn't that right?
- Melvin Jones: I can't even get close to a girl. I've never been kissed. Even my mother wouldn't have the nerve.
- Al Crowthers: Well, that figures.
- Al Crowthers: They can't do this to me!
- Melvin Jones: Why don't you write a letter to your congressman?
- Al Crowthers: What good will that do?
- Melvin Jones: No good, but - you'll have a pen pal.
- Melvin Jones: Gee, you're lucky. I can't even get close to a girl. I'm allergic to face powder, perfume and lipstick. If I get too close to a girl, my uvula becomes edematous, which means inflamed, and if it becomes inflamed, it swells up. Then I can't breathe. And if I can't breathe, that could become fatal!
- Al Crowthers: You said a mouthful.
- Hilda Jones: Where are we going?
- Melvin Jones: Right here.
- Hilda Jones: A television station?
- Melvin Jones: They got a cathode tube and a master oscillator that just won't quit. Come on!
- Melvin Jones: You know, I thought you were gonna be my friend, someone I could look up to, someone to be real close to me. Someone who'd stick by me through thick or thin. Now you think I'm stupid.
- Al Crowthers: Don't cry, Melvin. I don't think you're stupid.
- Melvin Jones: That's funny. Everyone else does.
- Melvin Jones: There's no basis for metabolism. Certainly I'm aware of the fact that there are other men concerned here, and you still can't feel that a physical being is abstract. You've got to base the full heart and soul on the ingredient that other people are aware of the fact that physical being isn't even involved. Isn't that right?