Dean Martin credited as playing...
Al Crowthers
- Melvin Jones: [Betty Hutton in a cameo kisses Al and leaves] Wasn't that...?
- Al Crowthers: Hetty Button.
- Al Crowthers: Who was your toughest fight?
- Melvin Jones: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, the toughest fight I had was with, ah, Gene Tierney. That was the toughest fight.
- Al Crowthers: Gene Tierney? You mean Gene Tunney.
- Melvin Jones: You fight who you want, I fight who I want.
- Al Crowthers: Make him believe you've been a fighter all your life. Then he'll be so scared that when you lift your arm, he'll fall right down.
- Melvin Jones: Yeah?
- Al Crowthers: I wouldn't let anything happen to you, would I?
- Melvin Jones: We'll soon find out.
- Al Crowthers: Put on the act right now. Go ahead.
- [talks loud so the other fighter can hear him]
- Al Crowthers: Listen, Melvin, how long you been fightin'?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I been fightin' now for about, ah, sisteen years.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen?
- Melvin Jones: Yeah. Oh, it's about sisteen years.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen. What do you mean?
- Melvin Jones: Sisteen. Fourteen, fifteen, sisteen.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen. Oh, sure. How many - how many fights have you had altogether?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, altogether now, when you add them up, I had, ah, 101 fights.101.
- Al Crowthers: Yeah.
- Melvin Jones: I win them all - but a hundred.
- Al Crowthers: Good. Where - where are you from originally?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, I moved.
- Al Crowthers: You moved?
- Melvin Jones: Yeah. Originally I come from Newark, New Jersey. That's my hometown. And I started fightin' there, I was just a kid. I think I was...
- Al Crowthers: How old were you?
- Melvin Jones: Oh, about sisteen years old.
- Al Crowthers: Sisteen?
- Melvin Jones: Like before. Fourteen, fifteen...
- Al Crowthers, Melvin Jones: Sisteen.
- Melvin Jones: Why d'ya put the bandage on my hand before ya put the gloves on?
- Al Crowthers: So when you hit'm, you won't break your knuckles.
- Melvin Jones: Why don't you put some on my shoes so I won't wear them out from running away from him?
- Melvin Jones: I can't even get close to a girl. I've never been kissed. Even my mother wouldn't have the nerve.
- Al Crowthers: Well, that figures.
- Al Crowthers: They can't do this to me!
- Melvin Jones: Why don't you write a letter to your congressman?
- Al Crowthers: What good will that do?
- Melvin Jones: No good, but - you'll have a pen pal.
- Melvin Jones: Gee, you're lucky. I can't even get close to a girl. I'm allergic to face powder, perfume and lipstick. If I get too close to a girl, my uvula becomes edematous, which means inflamed, and if it becomes inflamed, it swells up. Then I can't breathe. And if I can't breathe, that could become fatal!
- Al Crowthers: You said a mouthful.
- Melvin Jones: You know, I thought you were gonna be my friend, someone I could look up to, someone to be real close to me. Someone who'd stick by me through thick or thin. Now you think I'm stupid.
- Al Crowthers: Don't cry, Melvin. I don't think you're stupid.
- Melvin Jones: That's funny. Everyone else does.
- Al Crowthers: What a town this is. The dames won't have anything to do with sailors around here.
- CPO Lardoski: Oh, yeah? Wait till you see the beautiful babe that's gonna meet me here.
- Melvin Jones: Oh, he's friendly. Won't this be ginger peachy?
- Al Crowthers: [sarcastically] Yeah, real keen.
- Al Crowthers: We're going by submarine.
- Melvin Jones: Oh, submarine? I get sick going down in an elevator.
- Al Crowthers: [singing] They'll be gobs and gobs of Misses, Who'll be waiting on the shore, With gobs and gobs of kisses...
- Al Crowthers: Well, let's start messing around with something. You know "The Sailors' Polka"? Let's go.
- [singing]
- Al Crowthers: Come on and play the sailors' polka, Make way for Navy blue, Oh, how the girls all love to polka, With a sailor who's tried and true, Where there is music, and there's moonlight, The Navy knows what to do...
- Al Crowthers: [singing] Who's that lady, You were with last night?
- Melvin Jones: That was no lady, That was my wife!
- Al Crowthers: [singing] Never before, Has my heart felt a thrill like this, Never before, Never before, Never before...