Ian Carmichael credited as playing...
Stanley Windrush
- [Tracepurcel is giving a motivational speech at a works canteen meeting]
- Cynthia Kite: [bored expression] What's 'e on about, Stan?
- Stanley Windrush: Commercial intercourse with foreigners.
- [Cynthia's eyes light up and she chews gum faster]
- [Stanley is sitting on his fork-lift truck]
- Knowles: Come on, Squire. What's the trouble?
- Stanley Windrush: Damn thing won't go.
- Knowles: Oh you've done it now. You forgot to plug in, didn't you?
- Dai: [gleefully] I saw that last night. And when Charlie saw it, he said "There's a bloke who's going to have a flat battery in the morning."
- Stanley Windrush: Well if he saw the plug was out, why the devil didn't he put it in?
- Knowles: Demarcartion, Stan. Not his job. He mustn't go doing work that belongs to other people, must he?
- Stanley Windrush: I thought we workers were all solid together.
- Knowles: Squire, you need educating. He's in a different union. He's in the Amalgamated, we're in the General.
- Stanley Windrush: Well what's the point in having *two* unions?
- Knowles: Blimey. When was you born? How would we go on for wage claims? The Amalgamated gets rise, so the General puts in for one. If the General gets it, then the Amalgamated starts all over again. So it goes on, you see - like leapfrog. Otherwise we wouldn't none of us get a rise, would we?
- Fred Kite: My daughter, Cynthia. She works 'ere, spindle polishing.
- Stanley Windrush: Oh, really? That room you were talking about just now. Perhaps I could pop round and have a look at it.
- Bertram Tracepurcel: Mr Chairman, I do think that we all ought to try to deal with each other fairly.
- Stanley Windrush: Don't you fall for that soft soap, Mr Muggeridge. When a deal's fair for Uncle Bertie, you can bet your life it's a wet and windy one for the rest of us.
- Knowles: We haven't had a stoppage like this for ages - not since the week before last.
- Stanley Windrush: I'm terribly sorry about it.
- Knowles: You don't want to be sorry, Squire. Makes a nice little break, doesn't it?
- Fred Kite: Me and my colleagues are the Works Committee. Would you mind producing your union card.
- Stanley Windrush: I'm afraid I can't. It's not compulsory, is it?
- Shop Steward: No, it's not compulsory. Only you've *got* to join, see?
- Fred Kite: My politics is a matter between my conscience and the ballot box...
- Stanley Windrush: Your politics - to each according to his needs, from each as little as he can get away with. And no overtime except on Sundays, at double the rate. That's a damn fine way to build a new Jerusalem.
- [in an induction programme at the Detto detergent factory]
- Stanley Windrush: It might interest you to know, Sir, that I have a great aunt who tried Frisko once and she came out in an appalling rash.
- Detto Executive: Is that so? It may interest you to know that my babies' napkins have always been washed in Frisko and that no child has shown a sign of a spot since birth.
- Stanley Windrush: Oh. Of course, my aunt's rash was on her arm.
- Stanley Windrush: [referring to a resident at the Sunnyglades Nudist Camp] Heavens, Father, is that a sample of the local talent?
- Windrush Snr.: Talent? That's our Miss Forsdyke. Not a natural blonde, of course.
- Stanley Windrush: What would I have to do?
- Aunt Dolly: Well, I expect you'll just supervise, dear. After all, you were at Oxford.
- Aunt Dolly: I couldn't bear the thought of you having to join one of those horrid unions.
- Stanley Windrush: Well, I don't suppose one has to.
- Fred Kite: Yes, here's another good one to start off.
- [reading the book's title]
- Fred Kite: "Collective Childhood and Factory Manhood".
- Stanley Windrush: Sounds fun.
- Fred Kite: Yes. Very descriptive. It's all about how they run factories in a workers' state. However, I won't spoil it for you.
- Stanley Windrush: I've swallowed everything they have given me to swallow. Everything! All the phoney patriotic claptrap of the employers. All the bilge I've heard talked about workers' rights until my head's reeling with the stink of it all. The trouble is, everybody's got so used to the smell, they no longer notice it. Furthermore, they're deaf, too. So deaf they can't even hear the fiddles. ln fact, they don't want to.
- Stanley Windrush: You're a bounder, Uncle Bertie! A streamlined, chromium-plated, old-fashioned bounder!
- Bertram Tracepurcel: You cad!
- Stanley Windrush: You humbug!
- Bertram Tracepurcel: You traitor!
- Stanley Windrush: You twister!
- Bertram Tracepurcel: Snake!
- Stanley Windrush: Skunk!