Tony Curtis credited as playing...
Joe • Josephine • Shell Oil Junior
- [at the booking office, trying to be hired]
- Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
- Jerry: We could pass for that.
- Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
- Jerry: We could dye our hair.
- Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
- Jerry: We could...
- Joe: No, we couldn't!
- Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
- Jerry: I'm a boy.
- Joe: That's the boy.
- Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
- Joe: What engagement present?
- Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
- Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
- Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
- Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
- Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
- Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
- Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?
- Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
- Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
- Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
- Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
- Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
- Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
- Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!