The Incredible Petrified World

Wow, what an incredibly BORING movie!! I kept on singing the cheerful songs of "The Little Mermaid" and "Finding Nemo" in order to stay awake, but it was just hopeless! And yet it all started out so promising, with a typical 1950's Sci-Fi voice-over that informs us that the sea is a largely undiscovered jungle that will always hide mysterious secrets for us, idiotic humans. While this guy is talking, there's this ultra-, super-, mega-cool battle going on between a shark and an octopus! That stuff was fascinating!! And then, sadly, the actual movie begins… Veteran actor John Carradine stars as the leader of a sea-expedition (I'm not even sure of that) that sends a diving bell containing four people to the bottom of the ocean. Something goes terribly wrong and the crew is considered lost. They're not dead, unfortunately, but end up in an undersea network of caves where it's possible to breath normally. There's no encounter with Ursula the Wicked Sea Witch, but they do hook up with an old bearded guy who claims to live there since 14 years already. From then on, there's absolutely NOTHING going on apart from tedious speeches and lousy acting. This movie is not even worth mocking! All the cast members seem to believe they're involved in some kind of masterpiece of Science Fiction, which makes it all the more sad. Even though it only runs 64 minutes, I strongly recommend not wasting your precious time on this thing.

If you were looking for a one word description of the film 'The Incredible Petrified World', that word would have to be Boring. I almost wish I could use words like ridiculous or total nonsense but I can't. If that were the case, it might at least have been amusing. Maybe it would have been good for a few laughs. The main problem with this film is that it's just a boring movie. Plain and simple, there is very little excitement. There are no memorable moments, dramatic, comic or otherwise. The word petrified in the title seems to have no relation to anything in the film. My opinion is that neither does the word Incredible. It's too bad, the plot had potential but little to no effort was made to exploit this potential. Stay away from this one. It's a waste of your time.

When thinking of a catchy film title, "The Incredible Petrified World" is a strange one, as by the third word, you are starting to think of frozen stillness becoming lifeless. So, in this case, it is an apt title.

The simple problem with this film is nothing happens; and it seems forever to occur.

Our four heroes (sorry, two heroes and two women, judging by the subservient roles given to the female leads, and the bleak plot warning that if you step out of line, men will hate and leave you) go down in a dodgy diving bell, which conveniently fails at depth near an underwater cave that glows in the dark (phosphorus they explain). I could be critical of the science at this point, but this claim pales with the completely unexplained manner they can snorkel in and out of the diving bell without it being flooded.

Anyway, once they reach the Incredible Petrified World (aka small cave with glowing walls), they eventually meet a stranger who claims he got there from a shipwreck 14yrs ago. Now, it would have been good if they explained how he might have been able to swim so deep without being scuba supported, although it would have been better to explain why they chose to make him look like Chico Marx with a Santa beard, and wearing caveman clothes.

And thats the main problem; you don't mind putting up with the first three quarters being tedious if there is a payoff. Alas, in this case, the payoff is just the remaining tedious quarter.

"I've made some of the greatest films ever made - and a lot of crap, too."

John Carradine, who had roles in The Ten Commandments and Stagecoach and Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask among his 334 films, and won awards for The Scarecrow and House of the Long Shadows, would probably list this film as one that was crap.

He plays a scientist that sends down a diving bell with four people to 1,700 feet when they get stranded. They manage to make it into Arizona's Colossal Cave and they meet up with a hairy bugger who has been stranded there 14 years. Forget the others, this guy is focused on Phyllis Coates, who was the first Lois Lane on TV.

Yes, 14 years all alone and this old timer wants to find a way to get rid of the competition and have Lois to himself. Before he could get started, the volcano erupts and, well, just one eruption.

I just love this exchange between the two women:

Dale Marshall: You just listen to me, Miss Innocent. There's nothing friendly between two females. There never was. There never will be. Lauri Talbott: Sorry you feel that way. I was hoping we could help each other. Dale Marshall: You don't need help - neither do I. Not as long as we have two men around us.

O, the days when women thought that way.

This film had some very valuable information in it. I didn't know that people dived with a thermos of hot coffee, but it is good they do, as it is just the thing to revive someone who has run out of air.

"We are now prepared to invade this black wilderness." Well, actually they weren't, since the cable of the diving bell snaps, sending them to a tourist attraction with nice stalactites and stalagmites that I guess is supposed to resemble petrified wood or something. A very long technical explanation about the snapped cable is given later but that comes off like gibberish to me.

The only part worth watching is the genuinely exciting octopus and shark battle at the beginning, but which looks as if it was filmed in a small fish tank which had only a bit of sand poured over the bottom. You might as well turn it off after that part and have a nice nap instead.

The diving bell seems as big as a rocket-ship on the inside, but only about the size of an overinflated beach ball on the outside. This makes for some real laughs, especially when it is hanging and swaying about from the ship's crane and the actors are near it. It doesn't look like even one child could fit inside it, let alone the two men and two women, with a lot of room to spare, and the high ceiling.

Absolutely nothing happens in this movie after they get into the diving bell. They don't even show the implied trip to the volcano area with the lead characters! Instead, we get some sort of senseless and brief argument between the two women and Popeye's grandfather (or so he appears) making bizarre faces, as if he were in a "make the weirdest face and win fantastic prizes" contest. Silly beyond words and certainly belonging in a movie other than this one. At one point, his eyes are popping so far out, they look like they could just fall out of his face.

Later, "Popeye's grandfather" actually moves closer to the cave wall and slowly leans against it so that more rocks can hit him! (You can actually tell that he is trying to get under the path of the larger fake falling rocks! Hilarious!)

The ending made no sense to me, either. I may be wrong, but I got the idea that they weren't really that far under the surface at all. And where was the volcano (which sounded like the amplified recording of a rolling bowling ball and a bit from a storm) relative to the surface? Why wasn't it more of a noticed event from the ship?

The orchestral soundtrack on my DVD copy is really sour, and sounds more like two tomcats having a stand-off.

2/10. A two only because of the octopus and shark battle before the actors come in and ruin everything.