Martin Milner credited as playing...
George Barton
- George Barton: Now, Dr. West, if you'll just stand right over here, we'll get a picture. Smile pretty please.
- Miss Amanda Cadwallader: Young man, I'll thank you to take your predatory paws off my arm.
- Dr. Myrtle Carter: You are Dr. West, aren't you?
- Miss Amanda Cadwallader: My name is Cadwallader, Miss Amanda Cadwallader, and I'm traveling representative for the Paddy Pad Brassiere for the larger figure. And you, madam, could certainly use our product.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Is someone looking for me?
- George Barton: I beg - your pardon.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Beg my pardon? But, you haven't done anything yet. Or, are you the type that apologies first and acts later?
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Nothing is impossible in this day and age. Especially me. In fact, I'm one of the most possible people you'll ever meet.
- Dr. Myrtle Carter: But, Dr. West is a genius!
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Just in somethings.
- George Barton: And you're a - blonde!
- Dr. Myrtle Carter: One glance at that wiggle and no Foundation in the world would give us money for research.
- George Barton: Still, she is a rather nice girl. In a way.
- Dr. Ernest Zorch: And what a way!
- George Barton: Doctor of Philosophy, Psychiatry, Palentology.
- Dr. Myrtle Carter: Oh, no one's questioning her academic background, it's just her - her...
- George Barton: Her popular front.
- Dr. Myrtle Carter: I can't understand Thinko making an error like this.
- George Barton: You can't blame Thinko. How could a machine know we wouldn't like someone who looks like - Mamie Van Doren. Maybe he's getting adolescent? How many tubes did he blow today, Zorch?
- Dr. Ernest Zorch: Two and a gasket.
- George Barton: You see, puberty's setting in.
- Dr. Ernest Zorch: There's no one in the world that has the fine attributes of Dr. West!
- George Barton: That's our problem: her attributes. If only she didn't have quite so much of them.
- Dr. Myrtle Carter: Be honest, George. You know perfectly well that Admiral MacPherson wouldn't want us to keep her.
- George Barton: You're absolutely right, Myrtle. The old boy will probably want to keep her himself.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: I can hardly help it if I was born with natural blonde hair and brown eyes and...
- George Barton: A perfect complexion and figure.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: That's a crime?
- George Barton: Well, let's just say it incites the male to crime.
- George Barton: Woo Woo, man-to-man, what do you think of Dr. West?
- Woo Woo Grabowski: Gee, Mr. Barton, I don't think of her as man-to-man. She's too female.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Professor Watts and Professor Towers - they're even taking me to dinner tonight. We're going to have a faculty meeting in the Passion Pit.
- George Barton: Dr. West, they're married.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: I'm head of the department. We have to get to know one another sometime.
- George Barton: But, in a nightclub?
- George Barton: [on the phone] Admiral, this is George. We thought you were in Iran. Where are you calling from?
- Wildcat MacPherson: Meet me at the Passion Pit parking lot. Love that bbq! Best ribs this side of Moscow.
- George Barton: The Passion Pit? Admiral, you know what happened the last time. Remember, that waitress?
- Wildcat MacPherson: Why do you think I'm going back? 8:30, Georgie!
- Wildcat MacPherson: George, isn't that Watts?
- George Barton: What? Where?
- Wildcat MacPherson: Not, what's where. Professor Watts. There!
- George Barton: What are you trying to pull?
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Just a little experiment. If I've got the name, I might as well have the game.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: I've always wanted to be a teacher. I think its the noblest profession in the world. That and medicine.
- George Barton: Maybe you should try that.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Oh, I did! But, my anatomy kept getting out of hand. I thought coming here everything would be - different.
- George Barton: You know, you are a bit much for a growing boy to face at 9am every morning.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: I'm afraid, Mr. Barton, I've been wrong.
- George Barton: Well, I've never heard any woman admit that before.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Mr Barton, do you find me - desirable?
- George Barton: Minus the conga drum - yes!
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: That's my tragedy, Mr. Barton.
- George Barton: Call me - George.
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: Even Thinko. When I asked him what he thought. Look.
- [shows George the computer printout]
- George Barton: "Like wow"?
- Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair: [Dr. West shakes her head yes] Oh, I've tried sloppy sweaters, loose girdles, straight hair. Nothing seems to work. I'm still me.
- George Barton: Who are these tintype desperados? What do you mean bursting in like this?
- Boomie: Let's not call anyone names.