Vulcan, Son of Jupiter

Cheap Italian 1960s sword & sandal "epic" about Greek God Jupiter tiring of his daughter Venus' wildchild promiscuous ways and decides it's time to marry her off. This leads to many potential suitors and much infighting among the gods. Badly dubbed, ridiculously cheap special effects, and generally poor production values make this a far cry from "Jason and the Argonauts" or "Clash of the Titans," but there is something endearing about these sorts of awful films and "Vulcan, Son of Giove" is a pretty respectable entry in the disreputable Italian muscle man sub genre (i.e. remember that SNL skit where Bill Murray played Hercules? "That boulder is too large. I could move a smaller one."). Although not a good film in the conventional sense, I was very much entertained.

The Roman Gods take center stage in this one with an old fashioned Olympic triangle taking place at the home of the Gods. Venus, the God of beauty and love is making a play for Vulcan and she's got him panting hot and heavy after her. That upsets Mars and Jupiter banishes all three to earth to sort it all out.

Vulcan finds himself a nice earthly mortal who rivals Venus for her beauty, but he still doesn't like Mars. And Mars has got himself a Tower of Babel like scheme whereby he allies himself with some earthly despots to build a tower as tall as Olympus. Can Vulcan stop him in time from challenging Jupiter himself?

The Greeks and Romans did not believe in one all seeing and all pervasive spirit like Deity. They liked their immortals with all the, dare I say it, human frailties built in. The idea for the film is an interesting one, but the roles would require some classically trained actors, not people who are used to peplum spectacles.

For folks who have no lives and avoid deep thinking, the sweaty Italian beefcake films of the late '50s/early '60s rank right up there with the Japanese "Godzilla" series and Mexican masked-wrestler epics as the ultimate in brainless entertainment. I'm not alone in this conclusion: Studies from Bulgaria in the 1970s provide the proof. They've got the data; let's not argue.

If you hanker for bad dubbing, rotten special effects, and ridiculous plot lines, this genre is your meat. Universally, they feature poorly staged action scenes - always a bad sign in action movies - and richly saturated color that jumps off the screen and toys sadistically with human eyeballs.

"Vulcan, Son of Jupiter" is a better-than-usual entry for one simple reason: There are a lot of half-naked women running around, too. Set in Bronze Age Greece, it details a war among the gods of Olympus over who's gonna snag the tail of Venus. Or Aphrodite - can't remember exactly; she's the Goddess of Love, anyway. There's fighting, infighting, scheming and a very brave midget. Chariots... yelling. Y'know.

It stars a guy named Rod Flash. Of course, that's his real name... And I'm Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands. Doesn't matter. He's got a bod that could sell a whooole lotta Blueboy subscriptions. In fact, I wonder how these guys manage stay so oily. Was there a pec-lubrication specialist on the set?

One bright spot is a beguiling showgirl-style dance by the astoundingly sexy Bella Cortez. Could any other woman so mesmerize with the gemstone jiggling in her navel? Whatever happened to this beautiful Cuban actress? At the end of her dance, the god Mercury shows up and tugs playfully at a jewel on her scanty costume; the quick gesture leaves a strangely potent erotic jolt.

Interestingly, most of the over-the-hill bodybuilders in peplum were Americans who hung out at Gold's Gym in Santa Monica. Gordon Scott actually had a brief Hollywood career - as the first Technicolor Tarzan. Steve Reeves was... well... he was in a Ed Wood film in the mid-'50s. Gordon Mitchell, who's in "Vulcan" and was a kind of poor man's Charlton Heston, was the best actor of the lot, with a career mostly in Italy lasting until the early 2000s (He played the catamite-hungry gladiator in Fellini's "Satyricon").

Venus, the goddess of beauty (Annie Gorassini) is at it again, cavorting with the sons of mortal men. This causes great consternation for her father, Jupiter. One of Venus' toy-boy titan's, Vulcan (Iloosh Khoshabe aka: Rod Flash) finds himself hurled to Earth, and caught up in all sorts of conflict between gods, humans, and lizard men!

VULCAN, SON OF JUPITER is an utterly preposterous movie that is nonetheless extremely entertaining. From the laughable lizard men, to the world's most annoying "little person", this movie is a riot! The final battle features the god, Mars vs. Vulcan showdown, as well as Venus vs. Aetna! Oh my!

Fans of Hercules, Samson, etc. Will probably love this...

Two muscle men: Gordon Mitchell is Pluto this time and Rod Flash is Vulcan! Monsters are terrorizing the people of the land and Vulcan must save them before Mt. Olympus falls to ruin.

This one does have enough cheese to make the bread taste good. It's dumb enough to be entertaining, yet bad enough that most people will not watch.

This one could have been a good movie if was done right. I'm not advocating a remake but if the film makers would have done this one properly it could have been almost as good as Clash of the Titans 1981. Sadly this one didn't have the money pumped into it to create a film as good as "Clash"... it had the potential though.

4/10