Johnny Carson credited as playing...
Self - Host • Carnac the Magnificent • Art Fern • Floyd R. Turbo • Aunt Blabby • G. Walter Schneer • David Howitzer • Self • Zontar Rather • President Ronald Reagan • Professor Farkner • Ronald Reagan • Self - Guest • Todd Fleece • 'Gross Moments' Spokesman • Barry • Billy • Bob • Captain Bligh • Carl Sagan • Clark Kent • Dick Clark • Dr. Joyce Sisters • Dr. Ruth • Eliot Neilsen • Elliot Painway • Father Time • Fernando Valenzuela • Francesco Bethlehem • Gen. George S. Patton • General George Washington • General Trinilopez Charo Josefeliciano Cesarromero Piazadora Cugat • Governor • Henny Cobb • High Lama • Hugh Fitzhugh • Igor • Ironfeet • Jimmy Carter • Johnny's Oliver North Imitation. • Larry the Husband • Macho Man Novelist • Matt Dillon • Mediterranean Fruit Fly • Morley Mudd • Mr. Mouse • Peter Overwrought • President Reagan • Prof. John W. Carson • Ranger Gus Grungee • Schlock-Tel Spokesman • School Bell Executive • Sergei Solofovich • Sketch • South Carolina Senator • Superman • Tarzan • Tattoo • Timmy Martin • UCLA vs Stanford Game with Johnny as a commentator • Wallace Willis • Walter Cronkite • William F. Buckley
- [from his last show - May 22, 1992]
- [referring to his family in the audience and the death of Rick, his other son, in a car crash]
- Johnny Carson: It would have been a perfect evening if their brother Rick had been here with us, but I guess life does what it's supposed to do and you accept it and go on.
- [Ed Ames has thrown a tomahawk across the stage, hitting a painting of a cowboy straight in the "crotch". The entire studio erupts in hysterical laughter]
- Johnny Carson: I didn't even know you were Jewish!
- [uproarious laughter continues]
- [the night before the last show]
- Johnny Carson: Okay, all we have is tonight and tomorrow and then that's it. Boy, I haven't used that phrase since World War II.
- [from his "What Democracy Means To Me" monologue - September 11, 1991]
- Johnny Carson: To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
- [from his last show - May 22, 1992]
- Johnny Carson: And so it has come to this. I am one of the lucky people in the world. I found something that I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
- [last lines of show]
- Johnny Carson: You people watching, I can only tell you that it's been an honor and a privilege coming into your homes all these years to entertain you. And I hope when I find something I want to do and think you would like, I can come back and
- [you will be]
- Johnny Carson: as gracious in inviting me into your homes as you have been.
- [Ed is laughing to himself]
- Karnack: [annoyed] Karnack is attempting to divine an answer and you're sitting here, giggling. May I have silence, please?
- Ed McMahon: Of course. You've had it many times before.
- [from his last show - May 22, 1992]
- [referring to remarks made that week by Vice President Dan Quayle, about single mothers and the TV show "Murphy Brown"]
- Johnny Carson: I really want to thank him for making my final week so fruitful.
- Aunt Blabby: You know, I've been depressed lately.
- Ed McMahon: Depressed?
- Aunt Blabby: [Long pause] Yes, depressed! Why do you repeat everything? I can go to Taco Bell for that!
- [from his last show - May 22, 1992]
- Johnny Carson: I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.
- Karnack: [Holding the envelope to his head] Shogun.
- Ed McMahon: Shogun.
- Karnack: [Opening envelope] What's the first thing you do when you hold up a liquor store?
- [repeated line]
- Johnny Carson: [when guests talk too much] Exactly what time did I lose control of this show?
- Art Fern: Got no job? We don't care. Got a bad credit rating? We don't care. Got a prison record? We don't care. Don't expect to pay us? THAT'S when we care!
- Art Fern: How do you get there? Let me tell you friends, how do you get there! You take the San Diego Freeway to the Ventura Freeway. You drive to the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, cut off your Slauson, get back in your car, then you drive six miles till you see the Giant Neon Vice-Squad Cop.
- Art Fern: Now back to our feature film! Woody Harrelson, Woody Allen, Woody Woodpecker, Woody Herman, Herman Munster, and Dumpo the Wonder Pigeon, in "Heidi Suffers an Estrogen Avalanche."