Dick Van Dyke credited as playing...
Albert F. Peterson
- Ballet manager: This ballet has historic significance. It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Tzar. Lenin himself made the arrangement.
- Albert Peterson: Lenin arranged music?
- Ballet manager: No, funerals.
- Mae Peterson: Now, don't try to pay me back, son. I forgive you. So what if you're an ingrate? So long as you're happy.
- Albert Peterson: I don't wanna be happy!
- Ballet manager: Save your life? Me? My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor.
- Albert Peterson: "If you are sick, see a doctor." You speak English?
- Ballet manager: Saves time.
- Ballet manager: [toast] Zazdarovje Jack Kennedy.
- Albert Peterson: Oh, Long live Joseph Stalin.
- Ballet manager: Oh?
- Albert Peterson: I mean, Stalin - Stalin lived too long. Long live Khrushchev.
- Albert Peterson: [singing] Oh one last kiss... there never was such bliss... I love your dentifrice!
- Albert Peterson: You owe me nothing, even though you were molded by me.
- Rose DeLeon: Molded?
- Albert Peterson: Yeah. Like Eliza Doolittle got molded from Pygmalion.
- Rose DeLeon: I was molded?
- Albert Peterson: What were you when I found you anyway? Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop.
- Albert Peterson: Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love.
- Rose DeLeon: Oh, Albert, I'm sorry. I should have known.
- Albert Peterson: Mama would never get over it.
- Rose DeLeon: Mama?
- Albert Peterson: I don't care what Sullivan pays you. No woman is supporting Albert Peterson.
- Rose DeLeon: Oh, you're not listening, darling.
- Albert Peterson: I am not a gigolo!
- Albert Peterson: I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi.
- Mae Peterson: Taxis? Taxis are for my successful son. A dirty crowded subway is good enough for a mother. Mother's nothin' nowadays. Who's that?
- Albert Peterson: Mommy, you know Rose DeLeon. And guess what?
- Mae Peterson: This is that - pretty Rose DeLeon? Oh, I don't believe it. Rose, what happened to ya? You had a fatal sickness or somethin'?
- Rose DeLeon: It's nice to see you again.
- Rose DeLeon: I was living in fantasy, telling myself you were serious.
- Albert Peterson: Oh, Rosie, I was. I am! In here. I've thought and thought about marrying you every day, a lot of nights too.
- Rose DeLeon: I've spent six years on Project Albert.