Dean Martin credited as playing...
Dino
- Dino: Did you hear a story about the girl and the lobster?
- Orville J. Spooner: No, how's it go?
- Dino: Well, this girl was sittin' in a movie house and this guy sat down next to her, and they were sittin' in the dark, and they were watchin' the picture, see? And suddenly she felt somethin' crawling up her leg and
- [pinches Polly]
- Dino: pinched her!
- Polly the Pistol: [jumping] Ouch!
- Orville J. Spooner: Go on!
- Dino: Then she felt something crawling again and
- [pinches Polly]
- Dino: pinched her again! She said, "What is the idea, you pinching me?" And he said, "Well, it wasn't me...
- [laughing]
- Dino: it was my lobster!"
- Orville J. Spooner: [laughing] His lobster?
- Dino: He explained it. He said, "A friend of mine gave me a live lobster and I said, 'Gee, that's wonderful, I think I'll take it home for dinner!' He said, 'No, it already had dinner...
- [laughing]
- Dino: why don't you take it to a movie?'"
- Dino: There was the one about this doctor, you see? He was examining a girl's knee and he says, "What's a joint like this doing on a pretty girl like you?"
- Dino: [responding to an offer to buy the rights for a song] I need another Italian song like a giraffe needs a strep throat.
- Zelda Spooner: ...Bobby Darin or Elvis.
- Dino: Elvis who?
- Zelda Spooner: I suppose you have never heard of the Beatles either.
- Dino: Oh sure. And I can sing better than all three of them.
- Zelda Spooner: There are four of them!
- Dino: Oh, haven't you heard? One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted.
- Zelda Spooner: You can make jokes about them but they're young and they're popular, while you...
- Dino: What about me?
- Zelda Spooner: Let's face it, you are over the hill.
- Dino: You sure do know how to hurt a fellow.
- Dino: Now look lady, you may have heard a lot of singers but you ain't heard nothin' sung till you've heard me sung it.
- Dino: [stops at a road block] What's the matter? That Sinatra kid missing again?
- Nevada State Trooper: We had a bad pile up down the highway. You'll have to take the detour.
- Dino: Where's that lead to?
- Nevada State Trooper: Come out at Barstow, by way of Warm Springs, Paradise Valley, and Climax.
- Dino: It's the only way to go.
- Orville J. Spooner: Skol.
- Dino: What?
- Orville J. Spooner: Skol!
- Dino: Sure, it's cold. It's got ice in it.
- Orville J. Spooner: Funny! Funny!
- Dino: Well, drink up and be somebody.
- Dino: [cringing as the hired help passes by] Hey pal. Those gorgeous cocktail waitresses I heard so much about. Where are they?
- Bartender: This is it!
- Dino: You must be kidding. I've seen better navels on oranges.
- Bartender: Take that redhead over there. She was runner-up in Miss Nevada!
- Dino: What year?
- Dino: [on stage] My doctor saids, "Stop drinking." So, I'm not going to drink any more. I'm going to freeze it now and eat it like a popsicle.
- Dino: [points at Ovrille's piano] Is that the only action in this town?
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, no. There's a bowling alley. Or, you can stand outside Pringle's hardware store and watch color television in the window.
- Dino: Hey, you're not reading me right, pal. What's with the broads around here?
- Orville J. Spooner: Broads? Oh, you mean action action.
- Dino: Yeah. It's a habit with me, like breathing.
- Orville J. Spooner: I should have known from the gossip columns.
- Dino: Well, it's not that I like to. You see, I have to because if I skip one night, I wake up the next morning with such a headache.
- Dino: I think I'll catch a little shut-eye myself, so I can be nice and fresh.
- Orville J. Spooner: Fresh?
- Dino: I have a hunch this may turn out to be a big night.
- Orville J. Spooner: Cocktail time. What would you like? Martini? Old fashioned? Vodka on the rocks?
- Dino: No, thanks.
- Orville J. Spooner: Nothing to drink?
- Dino: Just a bowl of bourbon and some crackers.
- Dino: You didn't have to go to all this trouble.
- Orville J. Spooner: What trouble? I'm very grateful. You see, this is our fifth wedding anniversary and I forgot to buy my wife a present; so, instead, she's getting you.