Felicia Farr credited as playing...
Zelda
- Zelda Spooner: ...Bobby Darin or Elvis.
- Dino: Elvis who?
- Zelda Spooner: I suppose you have never heard of the Beatles either.
- Dino: Oh sure. And I can sing better than all three of them.
- Zelda Spooner: There are four of them!
- Dino: Oh, haven't you heard? One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted.
- Zelda Spooner: You can make jokes about them but they're young and they're popular, while you...
- Dino: What about me?
- Zelda Spooner: Let's face it, you are over the hill.
- Dino: You sure do know how to hurt a fellow.
- Orville J. Spooner: You mean, you were discussing my sex life with another woman and laughing about it?
- Zelda Spooner: What sex life? So you chased her up the bell tower.
- Orville J. Spooner: It just so happens that she chased me.
- Zelda Spooner: What difference does it make? Nobody caught anybody. And anyway, I trust you.
- Orville J. Spooner: You trust me? That's a lousy thing to say about your husband. Don't you think I'm attractive to other women?
- Zelda Spooner: You're attractive to me. So come to bed.
- Barney: Look, Zelda, there are certain things a man cannot ask his wife to do.
- Zelda Spooner: Like what? You mean, now she's gonna drink out of his shoe?
- Barney: Oh, she'll do anything. You see, she's getting twenty-five bucks.
- Zelda Spooner: Twenty-five bucks?
- Barney: It's an all-night job!
- Zelda Spooner: Well, if that doesn't kill him, I will!
- [last lines]
- Orville J. Spooner: The ring and the song and the car and Dino. How would you? When did she? Why would he?
- Zelda Spooner: Kiss me, stupid.
- Orville J. Spooner: It's today?
- Zelda Spooner: September 30th.
- Orville J. Spooner: I thought it was the 31st.
- Polly the Pistol: Y'know, it was kinda fun being a wife for one night
- Zelda Spooner: [Beat; emphatically] It was kinda fun being Polly the Pistol!
- Polly the Pistol: You've got a delightful husband
- Zelda Spooner: I know that! But he'll be an even better husband - when I get through with him!
- Zelda Spooner: Imagine, Dino in person driving down Citrus Avenue!
- Orville J. Spooner: You must be imagining it. It's ridiculous! What would a guy like that be doing in Climax?
- Zelda Spooner: I'm making myself a black chiffon negligee. I just have to put the lace on the collar. I want it to be ready for tonight.
- Orville J. Spooner: You don't need lace on the collar. You don't even need a negligee. And we don't have to wait for tonight. I have no more lessons today and we're all alone in the house. So why don't we...
- Zelda Spooner: In the middle of the afternoon?
- Orville J. Spooner: That's what makes it. The irregularity. That unexpected little twist.
- Zelda Spooner: Orville, have you been reading "Playboy" again?
- Orville J. Spooner: You just relax. I'll be with you in a minute, Lamb Chop.
- Zelda Spooner: [walks into the bathroom in her bra and slip, thinks her husband is in the shower behind the shower curtain, pats his behind] Hurry up, Playboy.
- [Zelda exits, Dino sticks his head out from behind the shower curtain with a puzzled look on his face]
- Orville J. Spooner: I got dressed again because I was feeling - chilly.
- Zelda Spooner: You certainly didn't act - chilly.
- Orville J. Spooner: When?
- Zelda Spooner: When I was in the shower. I thought you were going to climb right in with me.
- Orville J. Spooner: You did? I mean, did I?
- Zelda Spooner: We could save a lot of money on our water bill. Hmm?
- Orville J. Spooner: I happen to be their biggest customer.
- Zelda Spooner: You?
- Orville J. Spooner: All those nights when you thought I was at choir practice or bowling or watching color television outside Pringle's, I was *really* at the Belly Button.
- Zelda Spooner: Doing what?
- Orville J. Spooner: Using that cigarette machine, drinking Mary Bloodies, and a lot of other things; but, I'd rather not talk about it, because you'll just get sore and walk out on me.
- Zelda Spooner: What other things?
- Orville J. Spooner: You may think I'm sort of a square, but ask any of those cocktail waitresses there: I - am a swinger.
- Zelda Spooner: Sure you are! I wouldn't have it any other way.