Cliff Osmond: Barney

Kiss Me, Stupid

Barney

Barney: I've been here for five years but this is the first time that anybody - oh, sure, back in '61, Liberace pulled in here with a flat tire, but we never had anybody that's somebody like you.
Dino: Where's the Men's Room?

Barney: Look what I got - all the Italian food they had at the market. Macaroni, parmigiana, frozen pizza, chianti.
Orville J. Spooner: Forget it!
Barney: That's what he likes. You're gonna give him an Italian dinner, play him our Italian song.
Orville J. Spooner: Oh, no. He's gonna get into his Italian car and beat it!
Barney: Well, what do you mean?
Orville J. Spooner: I don't want him in the house. We got to get rid of him!
Barney: After all the trouble we went to?
Orville J. Spooner: You heard me.
Barney: Why?
Orville J. Spooner: Because he's a sex maniac.
Barney: So what? That's his problem.
Orville J. Spooner: But it's my wife! He's already after her. And what's worse, she's crazy about him, too.
Barney: Oh. What's wrong with that? He likes her. She likes him. So while you're plugging the songs, she's sort of putting him in the mood.
Orville J. Spooner: Why, you miserable - are you suggesting that I use my wife?

Orville J. Spooner: All right, all right. So it's a great idea. But just tell me one thing if you're so clever, how do I get rid of my wife?
Barney: That's the easiest part. Hit her.
Orville J. Spooner: Hit her?
Barney: Or start an argument or get her sore at you. Shove a grapefruit in her face. There's lots of ways.
Orville J. Spooner: You want me to louse up my marriage?
Barney: It's just for one night. So she cries a little. She goes home to her mother. And tomorrow morning you can explain the whole thing to her. You buy her a nice present. By that time, you can afford it, because we'll have sold all those songs.
Orville J. Spooner: You mean for no reason at all - a grapefruit?
Barney: Right in the kisser.

Orville J. Spooner: He's got a hell of a nerve. Does he really think he can buy my wife for a song?
Barney: What wife? What are you talking about? She's not your wife.
Barney: Him and his Rat Pack, they think they own the earth riding around in their white chariots, raping and looting, and wearing cuffs on their sleeves.
Barney: Orville, pull yourself together.
Orville J. Spooner: To them, we're just a bunch of squares, straight men, civilians! Any time they want to move in, we're supposed to run up the white flag, hand over our homes and our wives and our liquor! Oh, no, you don't!

Orville J. Spooner: [outside Pringle's Hardware] I don't understand it. Why would he sing our song after what I did to him?
Barney: I guess the bigger they are the nicer they are.
Orville J. Spooner: Look at it! It's on all 12 sets!
Barney: 12 sets, my eye. 30 million people are watching this show. A Nielsen rating of 21.7.

Barney: Once Zelda's out of the way, we pick up one of those cocktail waitresses and get her over here. Mmm. That'll keep him in the house.
Orville J. Spooner: How am I going to explain it to him? That I was afraid he was going to make a pass at my wife so we got him a chippy instead?
Barney: You don't have to explain anything. Just introduce her as your wife.

Orville J. Spooner: This guy is only interested in action. He's not going to spend the night here, just with me, eating macaroni and listening to our songs. He's going to be at the Belly Button Iooking for broads!
Barney: Hold it! Hold it, hold it. Why does he have to go to the Belly Button? Why don't we bring the Belly Button to him?