Dick Van Dyke credited as playing...
Bert • Mr. Dawes, Senior
- Bert: [singing] Winds in the east, mist coming in. / Like somethin' is brewin' and 'bout to begin. / Can't put me finger on what lies in store, / But I feel what's to happen all happened before.
- Mary Poppins: You know, you *can* say it backwards, which is "docious-ali-expi-istic-fragil-cali-rupus" - but that's going a bit too far, don't you think?
- Bert: Indubitably!
- Mary Poppins: [singing] He traveled all around the world, and everywhere he went, he'd use his word, and all would say, "There goes a clever gent!"
- Bert: [singing] When dukes or maharajahs pass the time o' day wi' me, I say me special word and then they ask me out to tea!
- Mary Poppins, Bert: Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Well, do you have anything to say, Banks?
- Mr. Banks: Well, sir, they do say that when there's nothing to say, all you can say...
- [He feels Michael's tuppence in his pocket, takes it out and looks at it]
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Confound it, Banks! I said do you have anything to say?
- Mr. Banks: [begins giggling hysterically] Just one word, sir...
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Yes?
- Mr. Banks: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: What?
- Mr. Banks: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Mary Poppins was right, it's extraordinary! It does make you feel better!
- [giggling again]
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: What are you talking about, man? There's no such word!
- Mr. Banks: Oh yes! It is a word! A perfectly good word! Actually, do you know what there's no such thing as? It turns out, with due respect, when all is said and done, that there's no such thing as YOU!
- Jane: Oh, Bert, we're so frightened.
- Bert: Now, now, don't take on so. Bert will take care of you. Like I was your father. Now, who's after you?
- Jane: Father is.
- Bert: What?
- Michael: He brought us to see his bank.
- Jane: I don't know what we did, but it must have been something dreadful.
- Michael: He sent the police after us, and the army, and everything.
- Jane: Michael, don't exaggerate.
- Bert: Well now, there must be some mistake. Your dad's a fine gentleman and he loves you.
- Jane: I don't think so. You should have seen the look on his face.
- Michael: He doesn't like us at all.
- Bert: Well now, that don't seem likely, does it?
- Jane: It's true.
- Bert: Let's sit down. You know, begging your pardon, but the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is, in that cold heartless bank day after day, hammed in by mounds of cold heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up.
- Jane: Father in a cage?
- Bert: They makes cages of all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of them, carpets and all.
- Jane: Father's not in trouble. We are.
- Bert: Oh. Sure about that, are you? Look at it this way. You've got your mother to look after you and Mary Poppins and Constable Jones and me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do? Fends for himself, he does. Who does he tell about it? No one. Don't blab his troubles at home. He just pushes on at his job, uncomplaining and alone and silent.
- Michael: He's not very silent.
- Jane: Michael, be quiet. Bert, do you think father really needs our help?
- Bert: Well, it's not my place to say. I only observe that a father can always do with a bit of help. Come on, I'll take you home.
- Bert: What did I tell ya? There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.
- Bert: You're a man of high position, esteemed by your peers.
- [sings]
- Bert: And when your little tykes are crying, you haven't time to dry their tears... And see their thankful little faces smiling up at you... 'Cause their dad, he always knows just what to do...
- Mr. Banks: Well, look - I...
- Bert: Say no more, Gov'ner.
- [sings]
- Bert: You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone... Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve... And all too soon they've up and grown, and then they've flown... And it's too late for you to give - just that spoonful of sugar to 'elp the medicine go down - medicine go dow-wown, medicine go down.
- [speaks]
- Bert: Well, goodbye, Gov'ner. Sorry to trouble you.
- [Bert exits, whistling "A Spoonful of Sugar"]
- Mary Poppins: [watching Bert, Albert, Jane, and Michael laugh together on the ceiling] Why, it's the most disgraceful sight I've ever seen, or my name isn't Mary Poppins.
- Bert: Speakin' o' names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
- Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?
- [he, Bert, Jane, and Michael laugh]
- Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?
- Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I'd be so grateful.
- Bert: Righto. Well, it's about me granddad, see, and one night he had a nightmare, he did. So scared that he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. Next morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."
- [Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder]
- Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.
- Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke.
- Bert: All right, I'll do it myself!
- Mary Poppins: Do what?
- Bert: Bit o' magic!
- Michael: A bit of magic?
- Bert: It's easy! Let's see... You think.
- [he, Jane, and Michael do so]
- Bert: You wink.
- [they do so]
- Bert: You do a double blink.
- [they do so]
- Bert: You close your eyes... and jump!
- [They jump onto the drawing, nothing happens]
- Jane: Is something s'posed to happen?
- Mary Poppins: Bert, what utter nonsense!
- [gives an exasperated sigh]
- Mary Poppins: Why do you *always* complicate things that are really quite simple? Give me your hand please, Michael. Don't slouch. One... two...
- [They jump into the chalk picture]
- Bert: It's true that Mavis and Sybil have ways that are winning, and Prudence and Gwendolyn set your heart spinning! Phoebe's delightful, Maude is disarming...
- Penguin 3: Janice?
- Penguin 1: Felicia?
- Penguin: Lydia?
- Bert: Charming! Cynthia's dashing, Vivian's sweet! Stephanie's smashing, Priscilla's a treat.
- Penguin 2: Veronica.
- Penguin: Millicent.
- Penguin Waiter: Agnes?
- Penguin 3: and Jane.
- Bert: Convivial company, time and again. Dorcas and Phyllis and Glynis are sorts I will agree are three jolly good sports, but cream of the crop, tip of the top...
- Bert, Penguin 1, Penguin 2, Penguin, Penguin Waiter, Penguin, Penguin 3: It's Mary Poppins, and there we stop!
- Bert: Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled / 'Tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep world / When there's hardly no day, nor hardly no night / There's things half in shadow and halfway in light / On the rooftops of London / Coo, what a sight!
- Mary Poppins: [singing] Chim Chiminy, Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Chiree! When you're with a 'sweep, you're in glad company.
- Bert: Never was there a more happier crew, than them what sings Chim Chim Chiree Chim Chiroo! Chim Chim Chiminy Chim Chim Chiree Chim Chiroo...
- [first lines]
- Bert: All right, ladies an' gents! Comical poem! Suitable for the occasion, extemporized and thought up before your very eyes! All right, 'ere we go!
- [sings]
- Bert: Room 'ere for everyone. Gather around.
- [speaks]
- Bert: The constable - responstable! Now 'ow does that sound?
- [no response]
- Bert: Hm.
- [dashes over to Miss Lark, sings]
- Bert: 'Ello, Miss Lark, I've got one for you.
- [speaks]
- Bert: Miss Lark... likes to walk... in the park... with Andrew!
- [Andrew barks, then Bert tips his hat to him]
- Bert: Hello, Andrew.
- [turns to Mrs. Corry, sings]
- Bert: Ah, Mrs. Corry, a story for you.
- [speaks]
- Bert: Your daughters were shorter than you - but they grew!
- Bert: It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory.
- Uncle Albert: At a watch factory? What does he do?
- Bert: He stands about all day... and makes faces!
- Uncle Albert: [laughing hysterically] He makes faces in a watch factory!
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Come in!
- [he opens the door]
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Take your hat off, Banks!
- [he took off his hat and closes the door]
- Mr. Banks: [he walks up to the board directors] Good evening, Gentlemen.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Well, get on with it. Go on.
- Mr. Dawes Jr: Uh, yes, Father. In 1773, an official of this bank unwisely loaned a large sum of money to finance a shipment of tea to the American colonies. Do you know what happened?
- Mr. Banks: Yes, sir. Yes, I think I do. As the ship lay anchored in Boston Harbor, a party of the colonists dressed as red Indians boarded the vessel, behaved very rudely, and threw all the tea overboard. This made the tea unsuitable for drinking. Even for Americans.
- Mr. Dawes Jr: Precisely. The loan was defaulted. Panic ensued within these walls. There was a run on the bank.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: From that time to this, sir, there has not been a run on this bank - UNTIL TODAY. A run, sir, caused by the disgraceful conduct of your son. Do you deny it?
- Mr. Banks: I do not deny it, sir, and I shall gladly assume responsibility for my son.
- Michael: I want it to feed the birds.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Fiddlesticks, boy! Feed the birds and what have you got? Fat birds! But...
- [sings]
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: If you invest your tuppence wisely in the bank, safe and sound, soon that tuppence, safely invested in the bank, will compound! And you'll achieve that sense of conquest, as your affluence expands! In the hands of the directors, who invest as propriety demands!
- Bert: Now this im-posin' edifice what first meets the eye is the 'ome of Admiral Boom, late of His Majesty's Navy. Likes his house ship-shape, he does. Shipe-shape and Bristol fashion at all times!
- [the Admiral blows his whistle]
- Admiral Boom: Time gun ready?
- Mr. Binnacle: Ready and charged, sir.
- Admiral Boom: Three minutes and six seconds.
- Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.
- Bert: What he's famous for is punctuality. The whole world takes its time from Greenwich, but Greenwich, they say, takes its time from Admiral Boom.
- [to Admiral Boom]
- Bert: Wotcher, Admiral!
- Admiral Boom: Good afternoon to you, young man. Where are you bound?
- Bert: Number 17. Got some parties 'ere in town what wants to see it.
- Admiral Boom: [to Binnacle] Enter that in the log.
- Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.
- Admiral Boom: A word of advice, young man: storm signals are up at number 17. Bit of heavy weather brewing there.
- Bert: Thanks, sir. Keep an eye skinned.
- [continues walking]
- Bert: Here we are, 17 Cherry Tree Lane, home of George Banks Esquire.
- [screaming and shouting is heard from the house]
- Bert: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Admiral's right: heavy weather brewin' at number 17 and no mistake.
- Mr. Banks: You see, Michael, you'll be part of Railways through Africa.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Exactly.
- Mr. Banks: Dams across the Nile.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: The ships, tell them about the ships.
- Mr. Banks: Fleets of ocean greyhounds.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: More, tell them more!
- Mr. Banks: Majestic self-amortizing canals.
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: Oh, it fires the imagination!
- Mr. Banks: [singing] Plantations of ripening tea all from...
- Mr. Banks, Mr. Dawes Sr., Mr. Dawes Jr, Mr. Tomes, Mr. Mousley, Mr. Grubbs: [singing] Tuppence: prudently, thriftily, frugally invested in the...
- Mr. Dawes Sr.: To be specific...
- Mr. Banks, Mr. Dawes Sr., Mr. Dawes Jr, Mr. Tomes, Mr. Mousley, Mr. Grubbs: [singing] In the Dawes, Tomes, Mousley, Grubbs, Fidelity Fiduciary Bank.