Peter Marshall credited as playing...
Self - Host
- Peter Marshall: You're a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?
- Charley Weaver: No, but his nurse does.
- Peter Marshall: Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
- Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.
- Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who was he referring to?
- Paul Lynde: His fans.
- Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?
- Paul Lynde: Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?
- Peter Marshall: Now cut that out!
- Paul Lynde: ...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?
- Peter Marshall: You're in an airplane and you've developed engine trouble. What do you traditionally say over the radio?
- Buddy Hackett: "What the f*ck am I doing here?"
- Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?
- [Cox was voice of Underdog for the duration of the cartoon's airings]
- Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?
- Peter Marshall: What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
- Paul Lynde: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.
- Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
- Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
- Peter Marshall: According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?
- Paul Lynde: 11.
- Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." what?
- Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.
- Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
- Burt Reynolds: People think I'm not normal because I keep taking her temperature.
- Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?
- Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).
- Peter Marshall: True or false, having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
- Karen Valentine: What was the question?
- Peter Marshall: Okay, pick a star.
- Contestant: Steve Landesberg?
- Peter Marshall: I said, pick a star!
- Steve Landesberg: Hey!
- [audience laughter]
- Steve Landesberg: That's okay, I've seen your act!
- Peter Marshall: On what night is a woman most likely to be molested?
- Rose Marie: With my luck, it's probably tonight - and I'm working.
- Peter Marshall: You're a shy, bashful girl. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
- Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.
- Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
- George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
- Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
- Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver. That's why they asked the question.