Burt Ward credited as playing...
Robin • Dick Grayson
- Batman: Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as l do. One. What has yellow skin and writes?
- Robin: A ball-point banana!
- Batman: Right. Two. What people are always in a hurry?
- Robin: Rushing people? Russians!
- Batman: Right again. Now, what would you say they mean?
- Robin: Banana. Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
- Batman: Precisely, Robin!
- Commissioner Gordon: It could be any one of them. But which one? Which ones?
- Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder.
- Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin?
- Robin: But wait! It happened at sea. See? C for Catwoman!
- Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...
- Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!
- Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-R. Riddler!
- Commissioner Gordon: Oh, the thought strikes me. So dreadful, I scarcely dare give it utterance.
- Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined.
- Robin: Holy nightmare!
- Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles.
- Chief O'Hara: [reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?
- Robin: He gobbles up!
- Chief O'Hara: Of course.
- Batman: And, number two...
- Commissioner Gordon: [reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?
- Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!
- Commissioner Gordon: Yes, of course.
- Vice Admiral Fangschliester: ... to some chap named P. N. Guin.
- Batman: P. N. Guin?
- Robin: The Penguin!
- Robin: When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing someone hasn't already reported this place to the police!
- Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.
- Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!
- Batman: Uh-uh.
- Robin: [pointing toward the sky] That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!
- Batman: [reading a skywritten message] "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"
- Robin: An egg!
- Batman: [reading another skywritten message] "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"
- Robin: Make applesauce!
- Batman: [thinking out loud] Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.
- Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!
- Batman: Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...
- Robin: Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!
- Batman: No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!
- The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.
- [Batman and Robin look at each other]
- Robin: Holy costume party! That's the Penguin.
- Batman: Obviously.
- Robin: What's his game, I wonder?
- [Batman turns back to the Penguin]
- Batman: What's your game, Penguin?
- The Penguin: Penguin? Waugh, waugh, waugh! No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy, Schmidlapp.
- Miss Kitka: [to Batman] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?
- Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?
- Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!
- Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.
- Miss Kitka: Impossible?
- Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.
- Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.
- Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.
- Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.
- Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes...
- Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.
- Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?
- Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.
- Robin: Support your police! That's our message!
- Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.
- Commissioner Gordon: A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.
- Batman: What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.
- Chief O'Hara: The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?
- Batman: A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger to lure me into a trap.
- Commissioner Gordon: A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.
- Chief O'Hara: You mean when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?
- Batman: Precisely.
- Commissioner Gordon: And who behind it? Not a clue.
- Batman: Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?
- Commissioner Gordon: I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.
- Bonnie: Yes, Commissioner.
- Commissioner Gordon: Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.
- [the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]
- Closed Circuit TV Screen: Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.
- Batman: The Penguin.
- Commissioner Gordon: That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro of a million criminal umbrellas.
- Robin: The Joker.
- Chief O'Hara: Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!
- Commissioner Gordon: What, the Riddler loose too?
- Batman: So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.
- Robin: Gosh! And the Catwoman!
- Closed Circuit TV Screen: End of status report.