Janet Leigh credited as playing...
Susan Harper
- Lew Harper: [placing a crank call to his wife, imitating English accent into phone] Mrs. Harper? Mrs. Lewis Harper?
- Susan Harper: [puzzled and sleepy] Yes...
- Lew Harper: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have!
- Susan Harper: Win?
- Lew Harper: [flustered, thinking] ... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation...
- Susan Harper: I don't want any frug lessons.
- Lew Harper: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging...
- [starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor]
- Lew Harper: how endlessly feminine you'll feel...
- [starts to really break up]
- Susan Harper: [she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now] My husband is dead!
- Lew Harper: [not sure where this is going] Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact...
- Susan Harper: [gaining the upper hand in this joke] No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious?
- [Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling]
- Susan Harper: His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr. "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!
- Susan Harper: I have taken it. Every year since we were married I took it. And I've talked to him, too. He holds no more surprises. No more nothing. You hear me, Lew? I don't love you. And you can get shot in some stinking alley and I'll be a little sorry, sure, but that's all. Just a little sorry. Tell him that, lawyer. Tell the man he is *not loved*.
- Susan Harper: I don't care what he says. He's just trying to stall because he thinks I'm gonna change my mind about this. Well, I may change a lot of things from now on, but my mind isn't about to be one of them.
- Susan Harper: You'll leave me.
- Lew Harper: I hate it. I'm done with it.
- Susan Harper: You'll leave me!
- Lew Harper: I swear to you.
- Susan Harper: You just want a warm body beside you, someone you can use for a while.
- Susan Harper: I can't help you, Lew. I can't! We're not going to get involved.
- Lew Harper: We are involved.
- Susan Harper: Were. We've been there. It didn't work.
- Lew Harper: Help me, Susan.
- Susan Harper: What do you want from me?
- Lew Harper: Just a few kind words.
- Susan Harper: What else?
- Lew Harper: Anything I can get.
- Susan Harper: At least you're honest.