Dean Martin credited as playing...
Matt Helm
- Julian Wall: [Talking to DC by radio about Helm's newest alias] Well, what is he doing here?
- Voice from DC: He can't come back to the States because if he does, his ex-wife slaps him in jail for back alimony.
- Coco Duquette: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Any children?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: No, no children. Two dogs: a poodle and the missus.
- Ironhead: He's Matt Helm!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Huh? We got a winner.
- Julian Wall: You are dead.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: I'm beginning to believe it.
- Suzie Solaris: Why are you doing this? I mean, really, why?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, because I'm one of America's top secret agents and I don't want BIG O to take over the world.
- Suzie Solaris: Come on, I'm serious.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: You ask a silly question...
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [under arrest by the French police] Now, wait just a doggone minute! I've got some rights, too! I'm an American citizen.
- Police Capt. Deveraux: We will play the Star Spangled Banner while you are in the electric chair.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Ahhhh. Then I'd have to stand up!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [Matt and Suzie are being shot at by the French Police. Matt grabs a microphone] Attention, French Police! Don't shoot! I have an innocent girl in the car with me!
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [Matt's message scrolls across his tail lights. The police shoot again] That's the French for you. They don't believe any girl is innocent.
- Suzie Solaris: [as they're being picked up by helicopter, Suzie pulls down Matt's pants to reveal his shorts] Polka-dot shorts?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: It's the only way to fly.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [after Matt rips a bomb disguised as a broach off Suzie's chest and throws it, as it explodes at a large poster-size photo of Frank Sinatra] Sorry, Frank.
- Julian Wall: Men of good will have done a perfectly dreadful job of running the world. Perhaps it's time for a change. Admit it, I can't do much worse.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Oh, I think you can. I have faith in you.
- Matt Helm: [shooting part of a spread for Slaymate magazine] All right, honey. In front of the map.
- Miss January: Oh, I've never been to Minnesota.
- Matt Helm: Well, you're there now and it's mighty cold, so let me see those goose bumps. Oh, good girl! Now, a little to the left. I want to catch you right near Duluth.
- Miss January: Why, that's my best feature!
- Matt Helm: All right, now. You just lower your left arm 'cause we don't wanna hide the twin cities. Perfect!
- Miss January: Oh, you're some tricky fella.
- Matt Helm: Well, I wanted to get the real you.
- Miss January: It's all real!
- Billy Orcutt: I demand an explanation. What is the meaning of this nocturnal assignation?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: [to Suzie] Is he rehearsing for a play?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: This is dancing?
- Suzie Solaris: It's called a discotheque. You want to try?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Well, I don't disc...
- Julian Wall: Now can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't drop you to the ground?
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Certainly, I'll get killed.
- Matt Helm aka Jim Peters: Just remember, Suzie, nobody dies for nothing. Not me, not your father, nobody.
- Matt Helm: What a way to finish. For a guy that drank booze all his life to end up like a milkshake.
- Matt Helm: [Suzie is kissing his face all over] Easy! I get a little ticklish west of the Mississippi.