Peter Cook credited as playing...
Morris Finsbury
- Doctor Pratt: Well, it'll cost you five shillings.
- Morris Finsbury: Price is no object.
- Doctor Pratt: Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance.
- [last lines]
- Detective: All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on!
- Clergyman: Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here.
- Detective: All right, no one move!
- [long pause while he realizes it's a church burial]
- Detective: Finsbury?
- Michael Finsbury, Julia Finsbury, Masterman Finsbury, Joseph Finsbury, Morris, John Finsbury: Yes?
- Detective: MORRIS Finsbury!
- John Finsbury: [turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes.
- Detective: Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,000.
- Lawyer Patience: But the money has been returned, sir.
- Detective: Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice?
- Lawyer Patience: Certainly not: I am his solicitor.
- Detective: Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before.
- Lawyer Patience: No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine.
- Detective: Tontine?
- Joseph Finsbury: Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Joseph Finsbury: I...
- Masterman Finsbury: [interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Masterman Finsbury: None of your business, sir!
- Detective: I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!
- Julia Finsbury: Oh!
- Michael Finsbury: My grandfather was recently buried, sir.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Julia Finsbury: He is Michael Finsbury.
- Detective: And who are YOU, madam?
- Michael Finsbury: She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury!
- Detective: Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano?
- Peacock: I did it.
- Detective: Who is he?
- Michael Finsbury: He is the butler, sir.
- Detective: The butler did it?
- Michael Finsbury: No, sir. I put the body there.
- Detective: Is this true?
- Michael Finsbury: Yes sir.
- Detective: In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.
- Michael Finsbury: A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel.
- John Finsbury: I sent it.
- Detective: And who are you, sir?
- Morris Finsbury: He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine.
- Detective: And WHO are YOU?
- [falls into open grave]
- Morris Finsbury: You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.
- Morris Finsbury: I was wondering - do you by any chance happen to have any - uh - death certificates?
- Doctor Pratt: Do I happen to have any death certificates? What a monstrous thing, sir - what a monstrous thing to say to a member of the medical profession! Do you realize the enormity of what you have just said?
- Morris Finsbury: Yes. Do you have any death certificates?
- Doctor Pratt: How many do you want?
- Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt? Are you Dr. Pratt?
- Doctor Pratt: Are you from the police?
- Morris Finsbury: No.
- Doctor Pratt: Well, I am Dr. Pratt.
- Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt
- Doctor Pratt: Come in.
- Morris Finsbury: I was here earlier. You asked me to return.
- Doctor Pratt: Oh, yes, yes. I've got what you want. Here... black currant jelly. It contains 12 grains of arsenic. Just spread it on your mother's bread and butter.
- Morris Finsbury: Doctor, I wanted a death certificate.
- Doctor Pratt: Oh, you've done her in already, have you?
- Doctor Pratt: Now then, take off your clothes and cough.
- Morris Finsbury: Doctor, it's not me.
- Doctor Pratt: It's certainly not me, sir. It's probably one of my cats.
- Morris Finsbury: I collect eggs, doctor.
- Doctor Pratt: Yes, I enjoy an egg myself. They don't make good pets though. You can never get them in at night. They're too quiet.
- Morris Finsbury: Dr. Pratt. Rouse yourself, Dr. Pratt.
- Doctor Pratt: What... I tell you, the lady was already dead when I arrived, constable.
- Morris Finsbury: Now what we need is a venal doctor.
- John Finsbury: But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late!
- Morris Finsbury: Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um...
- John Finsbury: ...thing.
- Morris Finsbury: Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um...
- John Finsbury: ...thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr. Pratt.
- Morris Finsbury: Was he venal?
- John Finsbury: I - I didn't like to ask.
- Morris Finsbury: Well, did he do the...
- John Finsbury: ...thing. Yes.
- Morris Finsbury: Good.
- John Finsbury: But... what's he got to do with it?
- Morris Finsbury: He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh...
- John Finsbury: ...thing.
- Morris Finsbury: ...dead.
- John Finsbury: Morris! Do you realize it's a criminal offense to wear that coat?
- Morris: I'm not wearing any *trousers*!
- John Finsbury: ...but that too is a criminal offense!
- Morris Finsbury: I know you are a medical student, cousin, so I need hardly remind you that blood is thicker than water.
- Michael Finsbury: Yes. Five times as, I believe.