Dudley Moore credited as playing...
Stanley Moon
- George Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that.
- Stanley Moon: Including what?
- George Spiggott: That everything I've ever told has been a lie. That's not true.
- Stanley Moon: I don't know WHAT to believe.
- George Spiggott: Not me, Stanley, believe me!
- Stanley Moon: You're a nutcase! You're a bleedin' nutcase!
- George Spiggott: They said the same of Jesus Christ, Freud, and Galileo.
- Stanley Moon: They said it of a lot of nutcases too.
- George Spiggott: You're not as stupid as you look, are you, Mr. Moon?
- George Spiggott: Let me tell you something, Stanley. As far as sex is concerned, patience is a virtue.
- Stanley Moon: I wanted her so much I just couldn't wait.
- George Spiggott: Let me give you a tip. Come here. In the words of Marcel Proust - and this applies to any woman in the world - if you can stay up and listen with a fair degree of attention to whatever garbage - no matter how stupid it is - that they're coming out with till 10 minutes past 4:00 in the morning, you're in.
- Stanley Moon: Ten minutes past 4:00 in the morning, and you're there?
- George Spiggott: It never fails.
- Stanley Moon: [regarding his contract] Shouldn't I sign it in blood?
- George Spiggott: Blimey, you are a traditionalist.
- George Spiggott: [having gotten Stanley's attention by mentioning a million pounds] Your great-great-great grandfather, Ephraim Moon, sailed to Australia in 1782 on a ship of the Line. Set himself up as an apothecary. The business flourished, and by the time he died it was worth something in the region of 2,000 pounds - a large amount in those days.
- Stanley Moon: Yes...
- George Spiggott: Your great-great-grandfather, Cedric Moon, by skillful management and careful husbandry, increased that sum a hundredfold. This in turn was inherited by your great-grandfather, Desmond Moon, who expanded, diversified, and built up a personal fortune of well over a million pounds!
- Stanley Moon: Oh!... it's a lot of money!
- George Spiggott: A great deal of money, Mister Moon! And this gigantic sum was inherited by your grandfather, Hubert Moon, who returned to London and frittered it away on wine, women, and loose living.
- Stanley Moon: ...ermh... where does that leave me, then?
- George Spiggott: Penniless, and on the brink of suicide!
- [giggles]
- Stanley Moon: [after having been transformed into a nun] I love you, Margaret.
- Margaret Spencer: And I love you, Sister Luna.
- Stanley Moon: Here, my ice lolly's melted. You really must be the Devil.
- George Spiggott: Incarnate. How d'you do?
- Stanley Moon: Apart from the way He moves, what's God really like? I mean, what colour is He?
- George Spiggott: He's all colours of the rainbow, many-hued.
- Stanley Moon: But He is English, isn't He?
- George Spiggott: Oh yes. Very upper class. Course his Son had a lot of problems, having such a famous father.
- Stanley Moon: I thought you were called Lucifer.
- George Spiggott: I know. "The Bringer of the Light" it used to be. Sounded a bit poofy to me.
- Stanley Moon: [reading Faustian contract] "I, Stanley Moon, hereinafter and in the hereafter to be known as 'The Damned' - " The damned?
- Stanley Moon: If it hadn't been for you, we'd still be blissfully wandering about naked in paradise.
- George Spiggott: You're welcome, mate. The Garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there.
- Stanley Moon: Adam and Eve were happy enough.
- George Spiggott: I'll tell you why: they were pig ignorant.
- George Spiggott: I've got last-minute repentance to contend with.
- Stanley Moon: That doesn't sound too much of a threat.
- George Spiggott: Not much of a threat? Do you realize I can spend 50 or 60 years working on a client making him vain, greedy, lustful, slothful, the lot and then just when he's breathing his last, he goes and bloody repents? I lost Mussolini that way.
- Stanley Moon: Really?
- George Spiggott: At the moment they're putting the noose around his neck, he says, "Scusi. Mille regrette." Up he goes.
- Stanley Moon: Who was that?
- George Spiggott: Didn't she introduce herself? That's Lilian Lust, the babe with the bust.
- Stanley Moon: I'm miserable. I've got a boring job. No money. No prospects. I haven't got a girlfriend. I can't get to know anyone, no one wants to get to know me, and everything is hopeless.
- George Spiggott: Have you ever thought of making Margaret into a charitable institution?
- Stanley Moon: What a cracking wheeze! Yes, and then I could get a depreciation allowance on her.
- George Spiggott: Exactly. I think the revenue boys would buy that one.
- Stanley Moon: Yes.
- George Spiggott: You could probably get her clothes taken off as well.
- Stanley Moon: Yes, I'm sure they'd be deductible.
- George Spiggott: Properly handled, I think she could be a wonderful little asset.
- Stanley Moon: I want to be a warm, loving, tender person and Margaret exactly the same. I want all the fun of meeting her for the first time and falling in love with her. I love her, and she loves me. We're in love forever. Surroundings? Serene and far removed from the false glitter, the raucous music, and the neon lights of this modern world. We're both young - white - and in perfect health.
- George Spiggott: But suicide, Mr. Moon... Really, really, really. That's the last thing you should do. Don't you think it's taking the easy way out?
- Stanley Moon: Huh! Easy way out? What's easy about it? Look, the bleeding pipe's broken! Can't even manage to kill myself!