Lee Marvin credited as playing...
Major John Reisman
- Major John Reisman: Any questions?
- Maggot: Suh? Do we have to eat with niggahs?
- [Jefferson jumps Maggot]
- Sergeant Clyde Bowren: [as Reisman exits the room] : What's going on, sir?
- Major John Reisman: Oh, the gentleman from the South had a question about the dining arrangements. He and his comrades are discussing place settings now.
- Major John Reisman: [Kinder has just finished a psychiatric evaluation of Reisman's troops] So what does that give you?
- Capt. Stuart Kinder: Doesn't give me anything. But along with these other results, it gives *you* just about the most twisted, anti-social bunch of psychopathic deformities I have ever run into! And the worst, the most dangerous of the bunch, is Maggott. You've got one religious maniac, one malignant dwarf, two near-idiots... and the rest I don't even wanna think about!
- Major John Reisman: Well, I can't think of a better way to fight a war.
- Capt. Stuart Kinder: These people don't know their enemy is the Germans. They think the enemy is their own United States Army!
- Major John Reisman: Maybe that's because the Germans haven't done anything to them yet.
- Major John Reisman: One.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Down to the road block, we've just begun.
- Major John Reisman: Two.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: The guards are through.
- Major John Reisman: Three
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: The Major's men are on a spree.
- Major John Reisman: Four
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Major and Wladislaw go through the door.
- Major John Reisman: Five
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Pinkley stays out in the drive.
- Major John Reisman: Six.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: The Major gives the rope a fix.
- Major John Reisman: Seven.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Wladislaw throws the hook to heaven.
- Major John Reisman: Eight.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Jimenez has got a date.
- Major John Reisman: Nine.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: The other guys go up the line.
- Major John Reisman: Ten.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Sawyer and Gilpin are in the pen.
- Major John Reisman: Eleven.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Posey guards points five and seven.
- Major John Reisman: Twelve.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Wladislaw and the Major go down to delve...
- Major John Reisman: Thirteen.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Franko goes up without being seen.
- Major John Reisman: Fourteen.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Zero-hour... Jimenez cuts the cable; Franko cuts the phone.
- Major John Reisman: Fifteen.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: Franko goes in where the others have been.
- Major John Reisman: Sixteen.
- Samson Posey, Joseph T. Wladislaw, Victor R. Franko, Maggot, Pinkley, Robert Jefferson, Tassos Bravos, Pedro Jiminez, Glenn Gilpin: We all come out like it's Halloween.
- Major John Reisman: You've seen a general inspecting troops before haven't you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!
- Major John Reisman: Which one of you guys wants to be a general?
- [to Pinkley]
- Major John Reisman: Pinkley?
- Pinkley: What kind of general, sir?
- Major John Reisman: Just a plain, ordinary, every day, home-lovin' American general.
- Pinkley: I'd rather be a civilian, sir.
- Major John Reisman: Posey, what did they lock you up for? I mean, what did you do?
- Samson Posey: I already told you that sir.
- Major John Reisman: Well tell me again. I'm sure your friends over here would like to know too.
- Samson Posey: This fella kept pushing me. I don't like t be pushed so I hit him.
- Major John Reisman: Killed a man with your bare hands because he shoved you?
- Samson Posey: I only hit him once.
- Major John Reisman: Only him him once. And drove his jawbone right through his brain because he pushed him.
- Col. Everett Dasher Breed: Reisman! Some people may consider you a first-class officer. But as far as I'm concerned, you're a disorganized, undisciplined clown. I'm gonna' make it my business to run you out of this Army.
- Major John Reisman: I owe you an apology, colonel. I always thought that you were a cold, unimaginative, tight-lipped officer. But you're really quite emotional, aren't you?
- Major John Reisman: [briefing the dozen] And kill any officer in sight.
- Victor R. Franko: Ours or theirs?
- Major John Reisman: Well, let's start out with theirs, huh?
- Major John Reisman: How come you speak German?
- Joseph T. Wladislaw: My old man came from Silesia. He didn't speak German, he didn't dig coal. If he didn't dig coal, he didn't eat.
- Major John Reisman: What do you think, Sergeant?
- Sergeant Clyde Bowren: I think you'll do just fine, sir.
- Major John Reisman: [emphatically] Don't give me that! I said what do you think?
- Sergeant Clyde Bowren: I think the first chance one of those lovers gets, he's going to shoot the Major right in the head... sir.
- Gen. Denton: I take it you don't deny your responsibility for the fact that on the night of April 14/15, a military establishment of the United States Army was the scene of a drunken party! At which no less than seven female civilians took an active part!
- Major John Reisman: [deadpan] Oh yes, sir, they took an active part.
- [Gen. Worden muffles a laugh]
- Samson Posey: I don't want to hurt you Major.
- Major John Reisman: You're not gonna hurt me, I'm gonna hurt you.
- Major John Reisman: And where is Donald Duck?
- Samson Posey: Donald Duck's down at the crossroads with a machine gun.
- Major John Reisman: He'd better not be asleep or we all be in trouble, huh!
- Capt. Stuart Kinder: [while the dozen are cavorting with the prostitutes in the guards' barracks] I wonder if any of them even know it's Mother's Day.
- Major John Reisman: [glances at Kinder and pauses briefly] Is it?
- [after being given his mission]
- Maj. Gen. Worden: What do you say, Major?
- Major John Reisman: lt confirms a suspicion l've had for some time now, sir.
- Maj. Gen. Worden: Think we might share that suspicion? l think you should.
- Major John Reisman: Since we are over here to try to win the war, it shouldn't be advertised that someone we work for is a raving lunatic.
- Major John Reisman: [after going through the 16 steps of the mission on the plane, someone says Seventeen] Seventeen. D-day. We get out as best we can and make our way to the coast. And hope that the entire invasion hasn't been a total disaster. Otherwise, we got a long swim home.
- Maggot: They're not gonna hang me, Major. I never raped that evil slut! Or, any other - creature. The Lord gave me that woman and told me to chastise her.
- Major John Reisman: Then he told you to beat her to death, huh?
- Maggot: I only do what I'm called on to do. I was in a state of grace. And that - woman - she tried to soil my spirit.