Dick Van Dyke credited as playing...
Claude R. Fitzwilliam
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: May I present the Platypi: Jacques Stewart the 5th, Carlton Taylor the 4th, Sandy Whitehead the 3rd, Tucky Morgan the 5th, Woody Van Alstyne the 4th and Bonnie Merrick.
- Juliet Nowell: What? No number?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Old family, new first name.
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, my! I mean, hi.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Good evening.
- Juliet Nowell: I didn't mean to sound so startled. It's just that I've never seen a butler in full reg before. Are there many of you left?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: We're - getting scarce. Like so many things, such as good manners.
- [first lines]
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [to the camera] Once upon a time, the very privileged lived the way we still do, in quiet luxury, elegance, grace. It's an almost vanished way of life. Not easy to hold onto... and terribly expensive to maintain.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: You wanted anything, Miss Vicki?
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: You might pick up one or two African safari tents when you can.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: African safari tents - yes, ma'am.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Yes. So the boys can camp out. It'll toughen them up for the dangers that lie ahead: college, marriage, Wall Street.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Or, Altman's during the holiday season.
- Grimsby: Fitzwilly, when old Mr. Woodworth died, there wasn't a penny and you started all this. It was Miss Vicki, and I understood. But it's different now. You're robbing Altman's and Jensen's, and lord knows who else - because you enjoy it.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: It's just - I'm so *good* at it.
- Juliet Nowell: You're a remarkable man, Mr. Fitzwilliam. Now that I'm ready to take you off my list of villains, I don't know quite where to put you.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Well, you'll have to start a new list: Butlers I have known.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Anyway, we could use some fresh ideas around here.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: And Miss Nowell struck you as teeming with great thoughts?
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: She didn't like you either, Fitzwilly.
- Charles: She can do a lot of prowling in a week.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: There are 12 of us, Charles, and only one of her. Now it shouldn't be too difficult to see that she doesn't get lonesome.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Oh, no. Anything you're devious enough to dream up, I might be devious enough to do.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: All right, Albert, off to Philadelphia. My regards to Uncle Buckmaster, of course, and, uh, don't forget to reimburse yourself for the gin rummy game.
- Albert: I'd rather take the loss, sir, as punishment for gambling.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [kisses Juliet] Good night, darling.
- [spanks Juliet on the behind as she turns and walks away]
- Juliet Nowell: Ooo! Wow! Sometimes you act just like a - butler!
- [smiles]
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: You must have forgotten. I've already hired you a secretary. She's due next week.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Do you mean Jane Fairchild, the Vanderbilt butler's niece? She's got pink eyelids - like a bunny.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I also find her wonderful and can deny her nothing. Even a secretary who obviously will be idiotic, interfering, and ill-kept.
- Juliet Nowell: Ill-kept?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: As you say.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I am a butler, not Jack the Ripper.
- Juliet Nowell: Why so sunny, friend? When did peace break out?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: There was never war.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [acquiring a Steinway piano] This one will be alright.
- Morton Dunne: But that's a brand new one. It - it's much too stiff for a young lady!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Oh - well, uh, this young lady weighs 180; has a touch like a truck driver - and would slaughter me if I took her a piano that had been used, by anyone!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: In the interest of better communication, perhaps we should adopt a common language.
- Juliet Nowell: Such as English, which I speak like a native.
- Restaurant Owner: We'll oblige a good lookin' doll. Come on, I'll give you the best table in the joint. The one that doesn't wobble.
- Restaurant Owner: How would you like some wine? I got a Château Margaux I don't believe!
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Sold.
- Juliet Nowell: Fitzwilly, you're nice.
- [kiss]
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, could you do that again?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: No, I can't! This is terrible!
- Juliet Nowell: What's so terrible? We're both free and over 21, aren't we?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I'm not your social equal.
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, come on. Don't be so silly!