Barbara Feldon credited as playing...
Juliet Nowell
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: May I present the Platypi: Jacques Stewart the 5th, Carlton Taylor the 4th, Sandy Whitehead the 3rd, Tucky Morgan the 5th, Woody Van Alstyne the 4th and Bonnie Merrick.
- Juliet Nowell: What? No number?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Old family, new first name.
- Mr. Nowell: All that bothers me is why they're paying you twice the going rate.
- Juliet Nowell: Ah hah, it doesn't bother me. If Miss Woodworth is all that rich, why should I care?
- Mr. Nowell: No, Juliet. The rich don't get rich or stay rich by overpaying or over-tipping or remembering the doorman's birthday.
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, my! I mean, hi.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Good evening.
- Juliet Nowell: I didn't mean to sound so startled. It's just that I've never seen a butler in full reg before. Are there many of you left?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: We're - getting scarce. Like so many things, such as good manners.
- Juliet Nowell: My name is Juliet Nowell. My father's an assistant professor of Medieval English at Columbia University, where I'm doing graduate work in American History. I have a B.A. from Smith. I'm a good typist, a... fair stenographer. And I'd like a part-time job, because I want to buy a car and go for rides in the country.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: The man's an absolute marvel! He's the 13th Fitzwilliam in a row to be a butler. Now, what do think of that?
- Juliet Nowell: I think it shows a lack of progress.
- Mr. Nowell: She loves me!
- Juliet Nowell: Oh, father, you always think waitresses love you - and they always do.
- Juliet Nowell: Platypi, hm? As in many platypuses?
- Jacques Stewart V: We are the platypus troop. A manly and virtuous group. Opposed to almost every sin. We hate reefers, girls and gin. That's from our troop song.
- Juliet Nowell: You're a remarkable man, Mr. Fitzwilliam. Now that I'm ready to take you off my list of villains, I don't know quite where to put you.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: Well, you'll have to start a new list: Butlers I have known.
- Juliet Nowell: No wonder you're so fond of him.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: I'm not fond of Fitzwilly, I love him. So will you, when you get to know him better.
- Juliet Nowell: Don't start telling me a lot of buttery, butlery lies, because there's something I'd like to tell you. Whatever you're up to with that wonderful old lady, you oughta be ashamed of yourself!
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Fitzwilly graduated summa cum laude from Williams.
- Juliet Nowell: Well, then there's no excuse for his being a butler!
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Does he need one?
- Juliet Nowell: Well, when there're so many wonderful things to do today, like joining the Peace Corps. Now, why would an intelligent man want to stay in a job that offers no risks, no challenges, no excitement?
- Juliet Nowell: Can't we start sending some of this around to publishers? Just to get a reaction.
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: We'll see what Fitzwilly thinks. After all, it was his idea.
- Juliet Nowell: The dictionary was his idea, too?
- Miss Victoria Woodworth: Yes. He thought I needed a new interest in life after Father died - because hating Father had been my chief interest up to then, and I was lost without it. Anyway, Fitzwilly kept nagging me about everything, from ant collecting to Zen Buddhism - 'til he hit on the dictionary. And that got me interested in all sorts of things - such as living to be 100.
- Juliet Nowell: Fitzwilly, you may not be a stinker; but, *boy*, it sure worked out just as if you were.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: [kisses Juliet] Good night, darling.
- [spanks Juliet on the behind as she turns and walks away]
- Juliet Nowell: Ooo! Wow! Sometimes you act just like a - butler!
- [smiles]
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I also find her wonderful and can deny her nothing. Even a secretary who obviously will be idiotic, interfering, and ill-kept.
- Juliet Nowell: Ill-kept?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: As you say.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: I am a butler, not Jack the Ripper.
- Juliet Nowell: Why so sunny, friend? When did peace break out?
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: There was never war.
- Juliet Nowell: Well, we got through the Ps and well into the Qs. It gave us both a real sense of accomplishment. What did you do all day?
- Mr. Nowell: Maybe he's got a hobby that fulfills him - like stamp collecting.
- Juliet Nowell: He gives away bibles.
- Mr. Nowell: He gives away what?
- Juliet Nowell: Bibles! Miss Vicki told me. He picks out names from the obituary columns, and he sends bibles to the relatives. Writes a letter of comfort to go with each one.
- Mr. Nowell: I guess you could call that a hobby.
- Claude R. Fitzwilliam: In the interest of better communication, perhaps we should adopt a common language.
- Juliet Nowell: Such as English, which I speak like a native.
- Restaurant Owner: We'll oblige a good lookin' doll. Come on, I'll give you the best table in the joint. The one that doesn't wobble.