Five the Hard Way

It has been more than 45 years since I was first ambushed by Sidehackers at our local drive-in theater while also attempting better living through chemistry (reference a Jimi Hendrix tune for specifics). Still, after all these years, I cannot pass up the chance to write a review of the worst movie ever made. I am now not a young man, mind you. I've seen hundreds, perhaps a thousand movies. None comes close to Sidehackers (as it was titled when I saw it). Senseless, disgusting violence. You got it. Misogyny, check. Zero redeeming social value. Absolutely. If you must watch this gawdawful monstrosity, I recommend only the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version. And even Tom Servo and Crow can't make this worth your time. You'll feel better eating pistachio shells or pulling out hang nails. Trust me.

Some movies are badly made but somehow charming in their incompetence. Some movies are disturbing but thought-provoking. Some movies just plain stink, but are good for a laugh if you're sitting around with your buddies altering your brain chemistry with substances of varying degrees of legality.

Then there's "Sidehackers", starring Ross Hagen, the Budget Steve McQueen, who wears a ridiculous little hat, and races a motorcycle with a funny side car (the "sidehacking" of the title). Budget Steve also likes to frolic in the tall grass and grunt and gurgle and murmur with his adoring fiancee, the lovely Rita. But when B.S. gets on the wrong side of J.C. (Michael Pataki, who usually plays Cold-War-era Soviet bad guys of various types), he gets the beating of his life. As for Rita, ... well, I just would rather not talk about that. Anyway, Budget Steve vows revenge, and....

Oh, what's the point! This movie is so devoid of any meaning, it doesn't really even matter what happens next. Suffice to say that I've seen sick films, violent films, and gruesome films, but I've never seen anything as pointlessly nihilistic as this one. Sartre would be bummed out watching this movie!

Incredibly, Joel & the 'bots managed to make a side-splittingly funny MST300 episode out of this one. Guess it just goes to show you - existential nausea makes for great comedy!

I've seen almost all the bad movie classics. Most of the classics of bad cinema are bad because of low production values, bad acting and silly plots. No such luck here. The production values are adequate for the subject matter and the plot is fairly standard. Unfortunately, these are the things that make the classics entertaining.

What we're left with is a meandering script with a very standard plot, bad acting, and worst of all, incompetent direction. The movie is filled with long sequences, such as the sidehacking race from which it gets one of its titles, that add nothing to the plot or characters that couldn't have been accomplished in one tenth the time.

If that weren't enough, what little plot is stuck between these sequences is either difficult to follow or just doesn't make sense. For instance, at one point a character is killed and it took me a while to figure it out. Not that it was supposed to be a secret, the point just wasn't conveyed the way it was apparently intended. And throughout the whole movie, up to and including the end, I couldn't understand why the characters were doing the things they were doing. In the few places I did understand, I didn't get why they were going about it the way they were.

In short, this movie is incredibly bad, and not in any fun way. It's quite probably the worst movie I've ever seen. I would not recommend this to anyone for a straight viewing. The only way anyone will get any fun out of it is by ripping into it with friends or letting the professionals do it for them via the excellent MST3K treatment, which is available on DVD.

Is there any purpose to this wretched film? The long drown-out sidehacking scenes? When Rommel visits the artist? When Rommel hits Big Jake?

If Ross Hagen was attempting some profound message, he's completely lost me. Bad acting, bad ending. But beyond bad is the acting we get from three guys: Big Jake, Crap out, and Cooch/Gooch. I don't know where Ross Hagen found these guys and I don't WANT to know.

Is there any significance to J.C.'s name (Jesus Christ)? Perhaps I'm giving Mr. Hagen a bit too much credit. Extra demerits for an overly brutal rape scene.

"Number 9!"

This movie shocked me. It shocked me over the time I wasted watching it, the very realistic trash performances, and of course...sidehacking. I have never heard of this sport. Plus, the beating of women, rape scene, and all out violence makes this a wonder to comprehend. Rommel is a grease monkey sidehacker and JC is the beatnik, alcohol swigging hepcat who puts on the trailer park performance in cinematic history. I think my favorite character was Jake. "He hit big Jake!!" Regardless of the dark ending, I'm glad I formed no rapport with anyone in this flop.