Five the Hard Way

I say that the only way to watch this film is the MST 3000 version of it. I wouldn't say that it ranks #1 on my bad film-o-meter (THAT honor goes to Manos: The Hands of Fate), but it's bad.

The biggest yawnfest are the racing sequences. Are those guys foolproof, or did they just edit out all of the crashes?

The subplot isn't that great either. I'd describe it, but I want you to see how bad this film is for yourself, preferably the MST3K version. Everyone loves Joel, The Gumball Man (Tom), and Bird Beaked Boy (Crow)!

1/5 stars *

I saw this film on the cult riffing show Mystery Science Theater 3000 under the title of "The Sidehackers" which was not a very good title as the movie does start out as kind of an advertisement for this awesome new sport, but less than halfway in it changes over to a film about a guy trying to get revenge. Though, other than when it is on Mystery Science Theater it is probably more well known under the "Five the Hard Way" title. Not all that great of a film, but it is not as terrible as some of the films that were featured on the show.

The story starts off being kind of cheesy as it introduces us to the exciting new sport of Sidehacking, which has become so popular that most people have never heard of it unless they are fans of MST3K. Basically, you have a motorcycle with a sort of passenger cart, but instead of said passenger sitting he stands and leans into curves and such. Funny, as I do not really see how it is any more helpful than just simply just racing motorcycles as most motorcycles take turns better without the side hack. In fact, it looks like it slows down the race immensely rather than do anything exciting. About the only positive to say about the sport is that you may get to watch a person have his butt grounded up! Well, a man named Rommel is awesome at this rather bland sport and he runs a motorcycle repair shop where a man named JC comes in one day and takes an interest in the new sport and Rommel. Unfortunately for Rommel, JC's girlfriend also takes an interest in Rommel which is the cause of all the problems. Rommel and JC get along pretty good, but Rommel refuses to go on the road with JC and then to make matters worse, Rommel refuses to take the girlfriend away in a manner that ticks her off. He could have rejected her so much better by telling her she was great and all, but he had a fiancé. So the rejected girlfriend tells JC that Rommel put the moves on her and he beats down Rommel and kills Rommel's fiancé and thus Rommel tries to round up a bunch of guys to go after JC!

It made for a rather funny episode of MST3K; however, it was also kind of depressing. As bad as the movie was for the most part, you still felt bad for Rommel and wanted to see him get his revenge. At least I did. The jokes about the side hacking portion of the movie are funny and I love it when they were making fun of JC's henchman Cooch. I would almost like to see an uncut edition of the film as they had to have left out a couple of scenes as they show Rommel recruiting several men to take his revenge, but they also show a painter that did not join, but then had some kind of redneck type who did.

So a film that begins as an advertisement for a new sport that turns into a movie about getting revenge. Neither portion is particularly good; however, I would say the revenge portion is a bit better done as the parts with the motorcycles going around the track is about as exciting as seeing it in real life, which is to say, not very. At least the second portion had a groovy villain in JC and awesome henchmen that go, "I will do it". It also ends with a rather well done gunshot wound that looks rather good for the time, but it also makes this film rather depressing as the credits roll.

I've seen almost all the bad movie classics. Most of the classics of bad cinema are bad because of low production values, bad acting and silly plots. No such luck here. The production values are adequate for the subject matter and the plot is fairly standard. Unfortunately, these are the things that make the classics entertaining.

What we're left with is a meandering script with a very standard plot, bad acting, and worst of all, incompetent direction. The movie is filled with long sequences, such as the sidehacking race from which it gets one of its titles, that add nothing to the plot or characters that couldn't have been accomplished in one tenth the time.

If that weren't enough, what little plot is stuck between these sequences is either difficult to follow or just doesn't make sense. For instance, at one point a character is killed and it took me a while to figure it out. Not that it was supposed to be a secret, the point just wasn't conveyed the way it was apparently intended. And throughout the whole movie, up to and including the end, I couldn't understand why the characters were doing the things they were doing. In the few places I did understand, I didn't get why they were going about it the way they were.

In short, this movie is incredibly bad, and not in any fun way. It's quite probably the worst movie I've ever seen. I would not recommend this to anyone for a straight viewing. The only way anyone will get any fun out of it is by ripping into it with friends or letting the professionals do it for them via the excellent MST3K treatment, which is available on DVD.

Is there any purpose to this wretched film? The long drown-out sidehacking scenes? When Rommel visits the artist? When Rommel hits Big Jake?

If Ross Hagen was attempting some profound message, he's completely lost me. Bad acting, bad ending. But beyond bad is the acting we get from three guys: Big Jake, Crap out, and Cooch/Gooch. I don't know where Ross Hagen found these guys and I don't WANT to know.

Is there any significance to J.C.'s name (Jesus Christ)? Perhaps I'm giving Mr. Hagen a bit too much credit. Extra demerits for an overly brutal rape scene.

"Number 9!"

It has been more than 45 years since I was first ambushed by Sidehackers at our local drive-in theater while also attempting better living through chemistry (reference a Jimi Hendrix tune for specifics). Still, after all these years, I cannot pass up the chance to write a review of the worst movie ever made. I am now not a young man, mind you. I've seen hundreds, perhaps a thousand movies. None comes close to Sidehackers (as it was titled when I saw it). Senseless, disgusting violence. You got it. Misogyny, check. Zero redeeming social value. Absolutely. If you must watch this gawdawful monstrosity, I recommend only the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version. And even Tom Servo and Crow can't make this worth your time. You'll feel better eating pistachio shells or pulling out hang nails. Trust me.