Raymond Burr credited as playing...
Robert Ironside
- Robert Ironside: [Inspecting a small envelope] Some miscellaneous nuts.
- [Looks at Ed]
- Robert Ironside: Some miscellaneous nuts?
- Det. Sgt. Ed Brown: I tagged that one myself.
- Robert Ironside: I don't believe it. You wrote "some miscellaneous nuts"?
- Det. Sgt. Ed Brown: Well, what's the matter with it?
- Robert Ironside: Why nothing at all. Except that in police work there is no such things as "some," numbers are important. And miscellaneous means a lot of different things, and these are all the same. And nuts is too general and happens to be incorrect. Otherwise, a splendid piece of labeling. One, two, three, four, five, six. Not some miscellaneous, just six. Now, six what? Not nuts, what?
- [Toss the object to Ed]
- Robert Ironside: Ed, what is that?
- [Ed inspects it and then tosses it to Eve]
- Robert Ironside: That's right, Miss Whitfield has had the benefit of an expensive classical education, perhaps...
- Eve Whitfield: It's an acorn.
- Robert Ironside: An acorn. Exactly. Six acorns. Now, what do we know about acorns? Come, come. Has no one ever told you that mighty oaks from little acorns grow? The acorn is the fruit of the oak, but do you see any oaks in among those sycamores. The nearest oak is a hundred yards from those sycamores. Now, query: how came those acorns among those sycamores?
- Nun: [giving Ironside a wheelchair with a plaque:] Presented by the staff of St. Mary's Hospital to the world's greatest detective.
- [all clapping]
- Sister Agatha: Say something, tough guy.
- Robert Ironside: I hope you people don't shell out your good money for door prizes every time the people upstairs blow a case.
- Sister Agatha: Hhh, hmm.
- [clearing throat]
- Robert Ironside: And, umm, thank you.
- [Ed starts wheeling him out]
- Sister Agatha: What happens if you wave?
- [Ironside waves back at the staff with bandaged hand]
- Robert Ironside: Sister, if you ever decide to get out of your business, you'd make a great cop.
- Robert Ironside: [1959 Speech to the Police Academy Graduates] The mayor just told you some lies, boys. But don't get mad at him. He figures if he told you the truth, you'd all quit. Now, I know you won't because you're all out of your flaming minds anyway or you wouldn't be here. The truth is, you're not going to earn the respect of any flaming community. Most of the citizens won't notice you anymore than they would a streetlight. Only when you're not there, they'll holler the way they would if the streetlight went out. Most of them figure you're on the take, and the rest of them will try to put you there. One or two of you *will* go on the take. And the rest of you will be hated for it. Right, Commissioner? He's not going to tell you either. So, you'll do the best you can. And you'll get no thanks for it. And one day, you'll stop a bullet, and they'll decide you weren't a brute, or a crook, or incompetent. Just a cop. A man trying to do an impossible job. And down at the station house the squad will take up a collection for your widow if you've been silly enough to get married. And that'll be that. Well, welcome aboard, boys.
- Robert Ironside: You stand on two legs, before a man who can't, and you're feeling sorry for yourself because you're black. Well paint me black and let me walk right out of here!
- Mark Sanger: You've never been black! If you were, you'd say 'Paint me white and stick me in an iron lung!'