Lucille Ball credited as playing...
Helen North Beardsley
- Colleen North: [as Helen is leaving for the hospital to have the baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...
- Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry! You tell him *this* is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.
- Helen North: What are you two talking about?
- Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother.
- Helen North: Not now!
- Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.
- Frank Beardsley: [to Colleen] It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love-in--it's the dishes, and the orthodontist, and the shoe repairman, and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: It isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts!
- [leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]
- Frank Beardsley: I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far--but if we had it to do over, who would we skip? You?
- Helen North: [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.
- Frank Beardsley: If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's gonna be explained right here!
- Frank Beardsley: We've decided to use our company manners. Helen, the boys have something to say to you.
- Greg Beardsley: Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink.
- Helen North: Ooh, *that's* what did it.
- Rusty Beardsley: And I apologize for all that vodka.
- Mike Beardsley: And I apologize for the scotch.
- Helen North: Scotch, vodka, and--?
- Frank Beardsley: Helen, you've been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor. It's amazing you survived at all.
- Mike Beardsley: [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?
- [she pauses, nods]
- Mike Beardsley: And you still let Dad ship out.
- Helen North: Yes.
- Mike Beardsley: Why?
- Helen North: He wanted so much to go. Two people can't live with an ocean between 'em for the rest of their lives. And if you write him about it, I'll shoot you!
- Mike Beardsley: You would, too... Look, I'd just as soon he didn't know about this draft thing, either.
- Helen North: Why not? Can't we tell him anything?
- Mike Beardsley: No; I'm thinkin' about the Marines, though, and that would drive him out of his skull.
- Helen North: Oh. OK.
- Mike Beardsley: ...Do you really want this baby?
- Helen North: Very much. You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North.
- [Mike thinks a moment, then nods his head in understanding]
- Frank Beardsley: I don't quite understand. Am I being stupid?
- Helen North: No, you're being a man. Which is sometimes the same thing.
- Sister Mary Alice: I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?
- Sister Mary Alice: Why don't you ask Phillip?
- Helen North: Phillip?
- [Phillip turns around revealing a black eye]
- Helen North: Darling! What happened?
- Phillip North: Nothing.
- Helen North: Who did that to you?
- Phillip North: One of the kids.
- [points at Sister Mary]
- Phillip North: *She* started it. She says I'm not legal.
- Helen North: What?
- Phillip North: And Mike isn't my brother.
- Helen North: Of course he's your brother.
- Phillip North: Then my name's Phillip Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: Phillip North.
- Phillip North: There she goes again.
- Sister Mary Alice: Sister, couldn't you--couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?
- Sister Mary Alice: I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.
- Phillip North: Let's go to another school.
- Helen North: Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it's North.
- Sister Mary Alice: But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: North.
- Helen North: Beardsley.
- Sister Mary Alice: North!
- Helen North: Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!
- Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.
- Judge: There's been great fear expressed by many people that no one woman can give this large number of children sufficient attention and affection to allow them to grow up in a healthy atmosphere. But in this court's investigation of *your* home, the reverse seems to be true. All the children seem to be happy, well-fed, and normal! The house, amazingly clean and in good order. My wife has two children, one poodle, and a full-time maid, and can't seem to manage anything! What is your secret?
- Helen North: Well, sir--a great deal of love, a little discipline... and a husband who doesn't criticize.
- Frank Beardsley: Is that all? Why didn't she tell me?
- Helen North: Because you would have said, "Is that all?"
- Helen North: [getting ready for her date with Frank] Good heavens! What did you do to this dress?
- Colleen North: Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique!
- Janette North: We just shortened it a little.
- Helen North: A little? I look like a teeny-bopper!
- Janette North: What's wrong with that?
- Helen North: I can't go out like this!
- Jean North: Why not? Your legs are better than mine.
- Helen North: Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.
- [sudden panic]
- Helen North: Frank! We're on a cable car!
- Frank Beardsley: Of course.
- Helen North: I get sick on cable cars!
- Frank Beardsley: Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.
- Helen North: Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...
- Frank Beardsley: Ridiculous.
- Frank Beardsley: This is the last time I'm going to bring it up but... you do like children, don't you?
- Helen North: Yeah, within reason.
- Frank Beardsley: In that case, the hell with it.
- Family Doctor: What you have is a simple case of pregnancy. P-R-E-G...
- Helen North: Doctor, if anyone knows how to spell it, I do!
- Helen North: [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!
- Helen North: That was a wonderful dinner, I enjoyed all *eight* courses.
- Frank Beardsley: So did I.
- Helen North: And speaking of children...
- Frank Beardsley: We weren't speaking of children.
- Helen North: We weren't? Oh thank goodness.
- Jean North: You mean he doesn't know about us?
- Helen North: Well, of course he does, darling!
- Jean North: All of us?
- Colleen North: Oh, Mother, that's so romantic! You lied to him!
- Helen North: I did not lie to him! I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!
- Colleen North: Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!
- Janette North: What's a liaison?
- Colleen North: An affair.
- Janette North: That's what I thought.
- Jean North: Me too.
- Helen North: Now that's just wonderful! And where was Veronica born?
- Frank Beardsley: In Japan!
- [Helen repeats]
- Frank Beardsley: In Japan?
- Frank Beardsley: I call her my little fortune cookie 'cause she came right after dinner!
- Helen North: [Helen begins to laugh loudly] That's funny!
- [ring bells in the kitchen]
- Helen North: Where's the fire?
- Rosemary Beardsley: Dinner is served!