Michael Hordern credited as playing...
Bules Martin
- Bules Martin: Well, you know, you've been a bit off-colour.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Yes, I know, and what's more, I've not been eating anything.
- Bules Martin: Why is that?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I can't get the stuff.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Well, things were going swimmingly until that, eh, well, until they dropped the ol', well, now, you know...
- Bules Martin: Oh, the ol' vroom!
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: That's the...
- Bules Martin: Did the noise keep you awake?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Oh, I slept through it all right. Yes, in fact, I was in England, still abed, albeit in a club chair, the Third World War took place. I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
- Bules Martin: I was standing by, ready to face the enemy, whoever they might be, and I couldn't find them. Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I haven't the least idea.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I thought, Doctor, I thought you'd might give me breakfast as a prescription against malnutrition.
- Bules Martin: Ah, yes, well, take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Doctor, look, since this thing dropped. This-this rude thing--this, um, eh...
- Bules Martin: Vroom.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: That's the fellow. I-I-I had terrible, morbid fears. I think--I may turn into a bed-sitting room.
- Bules Martin: Eh, eh, that's probably atomic mutations. There's a lot of it about.
- Bules Martin: What were you doing before this, then?
- Shelter Man: I was in the Army, actually. I'm a Captain.
- Bules Martin: Oh, I say! What regiment?
- Shelter Man: Oh, we didn't know, owing to the Official Secrets Act.
- Bules Martin: Oh, it's getting late. Now for my humiliation. Now, what have I done with my Defeat of England medal?
- [removes bowler and looks towards the sky]
- Bules Martin: Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I've failed you. I tried to catch the thing before it hit the Palace, but one of your corgis bit me!
- Under Water Vicar: Will you join hands please. Good. Good. And now for a good book.
- [singsongy]
- Under Water Vicar: I'm a naughty gamekeeper. Took her in to the potting shed. And lies her upon the ground. And we...
- Bules Martin: Huh? I say, all's that in the Bible?
- Under Water Vicar: No, it's "Lady Chatterly's Lover."
- The BBC: What will you have, old boy?
- Bules Martin: I'll have a large--eh--water.
- The BBC: Water?
- Bules Martin: No. Not for me.
- Inspector: Evening. We're looking for a man.
- Bules Martin: Are you indeed, Inspector? There aren't many of us left, you know.
- Inspector: We're also looking for a bed-sitting room.
- Bules Martin: Aren't we all!
- Bules Martin: Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and Americans who dropped it, then. Perhaps it was Rent-a-Kill.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: [as a bed-sitting room] Stop! Stop! Stop, in the name of the Lord.
- Mate: Here, it's God! It's God! He's come back on us. Good ol' God, mate.
- [singing]
- Mate: For he's a jolly good fellow.
- [talking]
- Mate: He's a--He's a socialist, you know.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Quiet! Labour scum!
- Mate: What? He's--he's a frickin' Conservative!
- Bules Martin: Here, hold on a second. You don't sound like God. You sound like Lord Fortnum.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I--eh--I also do impressions.