Gamera vs. Guiron

A flying saucer has just landed near your backyard. Do you:

A) Contact the police?

B) Grab a camera and sell a photo to the local tabloid?

C) Climb into the craft with your best Occidental buddy and fly off into space, counting on a giant space turtle to save your biscuits?

Answer: C.

"Attack Of The Monsters" as a title is a bit of a misnomer. From it, one might expect a film that features whole slew of monsters charging en masse either on a defenseless Japanese city or else each other, but this typical cheapo offering from the "Gamera" folks presents only three monsters, Gamera and two outer-space creatures, one of who looks like a silver Rodan and the other which has a giant blade for a forehead. The three never have a grand battle, either; it's just a series of one-on-one match-ups.

All this meant something to me back in the day, when "Attack of the Monsters" was on the local "4:30 Movie" and it was a welcome alternative to bad old Godzilla. Sure, Godzilla would save your occasional child, but he'd destroy three city blocks doing so. Gamera cared about kids, too, only he had more respect for property values in the process.

Plus this film had special appeal for me because it featured two boys going off on a strange adventure. I could imagine my buddy Stephen and I doing the same thing, except he'd have to be the one to get his head shaved.

After walking into a UFO and being whisked onto the planet Terra, Akio and Tom find themselves in a planet devoid of life, except for two comely ladies with antennae heads and the occasional wandering monster. The boys are happy with their new friends, but the women, being women, have ulterior motives. They want the boys' brains for something to munch on during the long flight to Earth. After all, why take a chance on airplane food?

Back in my middle school days, I enjoyed the battle sequences where Gamera fought his alien adversaries while the kids avoided the sexy cannibals and explored an expansive Star Trek set with blinking console lights. Now I see special effects that make the Beastie Boys' "Intergalactic" video look like a George Lucas production, dialogue as halting as a Berlitz beginners' course, and a storyline that sags at every turn.

But you know something? It's still a joy watching it. Most times, the pleasures of youth turn lame in adulthood. "Attack Of The Monsters" is just as much fun to watch now as it was then, especially if you have enough alcohol around.

Definitely try to get the Sandy Frank version; which has the zaniest dubbing. Better yet, find the old Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, where little Tom is basted with numerous Richard Burton riffs and Mike Nelson as Michael Feinstein brings it all home with a Cole Porter-ized version of the "Gamera" theme.

'Attack of the Monsters' is quite a movie. Not only does it show off Gamera's great range of talents, but it is also the silliest giant monster movie I've ever seen, and oddly violent for a giant monster that is obviously intended for kids. Gamera: if you can hear me, you rule.

Akio (Nobuhiro Kajima), an idealist kid, dreams of finding a planet with no wars,traffic accidents, or long pants. He and Tom (Christopher Murphy) get whisked away by an empty UFO to the planet Terra, a planet that is exactly like Earth and conveniently shares Earth's orbit and is always on the opposite side of the sun to Earth. On Terra, they watch as a Gyaos turns up, only to get dismembered by Guiron (Terran for: 'Giant-Knife-Head-Monster').

Only two Terrans still live on the planet: Two space-babes with names so nice and pretty that these space-babes are obviously evil (apparently the rest of the population left to find a new planet, but we all know they died in a mass traffic accident). When the Terran women reveal that they must eat the kids brains in order to adapt to life on Earth, the kids are saved by Gamera, friend to children everywhere.

Gamera should have had a toy range based on this movie. He is the most multi-skilled monster in the universe! I can see it all now: Regular Gamera, Jet Propulsion Gamera, Ninja Gamera, Baseball Gamera, Airborne Gamera, Judo Gamera, Dancing Gamera, Gymnast Gamera, Aqua Gamera, and Gamera the Repair Monster. 'Attack of the Monsters' is a very silly movie - silly in the most funny ways. The poor special effects, the very basic dialog, the far out story, and Gamera's range of talents all make for some quality monster movie entertainment. Some of the monster mayhem seems rather brutal, even by regular monster movie standards (really, how many Godzilla films feature bloody dismemberment?), but my only complaint is the lack of Gamera's theme song in the 'Attack of the Monsters' version of the film. I want Gamera's theme song! I want it now!

Gamera rules. 'Attack of the Monsters' may be one of the most poorly produced movies you'll ever see, but it's great fun, and you know it.

"Listening to children is neither psychologically or educationally important" This and other bits of tidbits are what is at stake if you dare to watch this Japanese trash. After scientists discover mysterious irregular waves from outer space, 2 boys hi-jack a spaceship to another star -(Earth is a star by the way) - only to watch hilarious monster fights complete with ninja stars from a walking knife, and become trapped by female aliens who want to eat their brains with dremel tools. And the boys thought that these aliens will prevent wars and traffic accidents. Listen to some bad jack-in-the-box music and enter Gamara, a giant go-go dancing turtle who must have had some bad Mexican food and comes to kids rescue after a few turns on the high bar. Boy are these kids going to get a scolding when they get home. I have watched this both with and without MST3K's help and it is roll on the floor hilarious either way. We should all figure out how to live without wars and accidents or we will repent and get our heads shaved.

Basically Gamera fights a giant knife with an attitude! Alot of people put the Gamera series down for being cheap, but you know what? They were fun! At least Gamera fought a different monster (mostly outlandish ones at that) every movie. Unlike the Godzilla movies where Mothra, Ghidorah, and MechaGodzilla seem to pop up in every other flick. Anyway this movie follows Gamera VS Viras. It has the same concept. Two kids (one American, one Japanese) are the stars. And there is plenty of stock footage flashbacks too. Then things get bizarre. Gurion (the knife with the attitude) slices up a silver painted Gyoas. Shoots ninja stars at Gamera. Gamera sprays out blue blood. Swings around on parallel bars. And does a "la cucaracha" dance to remove some ninja stars stuck in his arms! He then finishes off Gurion by slamming his knife head into the ground, so Gurion is upside down with his legs kicking! Bizarre stuff. Throw in two Japanese women in funky space suits that drug the kids with tainted powdered donuts so they can eat thier brains and you can see what my one line summary means....

A trio of children (2 boys and a girl), intrigued by news reports of mysterious sound waves sent to Earth from outer space, star gazing spot a flying saucer! They later find it in a wooded area. The two boys decide to investigate while the girl being more wary decides to wait outside. After entering the spaceship however, the two boys suddenly find themselves being whisked off into space. Along the way they spot and greet Gamera who tries to prevent the ship from leaving our galaxy but even he cannot keep up with its incredible speed. After the ship lands, the two boys find themselves on a strange new planet and suddenly spot another version of Gaos in battle with the planet's guardian, a knife-headed monster with a mean streak named Guiron. Gamera all this time has still been on the trail of the boys' spaceship. Meanwhile aliens are watching all of this with possible evil intentions?

This was tremendous fun. The little kid in me loved every minute of it. Sure the child stars are a bit annoying at times (but more so I suspect to adult ears than to a child's) and the effects aren't always up to par but man do the monster battles ever deliver the goods in this one. They are knock-down drag-out affairs especially those featuring Gamera and Guiron and surprisingly graphic in terms of their brutality yet the film never loses sight of making clear just who is evil and who is good. Like the best pro wrestling of yesteryear, it manages to make the hero Gamera incredibly sympathetic while the villain Guiron comes across as little more than a nasty-tempered brute and a bully who needs to be taught a lesson in manners.