Jerry Lewis credited as playing...
Peter Ingersoll
- Scott Carter: There's only one decent thing left for you to do: turn yourself in.
- Peter Ingersoll: Decent thing? That's insane!
- Scott Carter: I'll be behind you all the way.
- Peter Ingersoll: Oh, sure you will. A mile behind me.
- Nancy Ingersoll: Well let's get one thing straight; now you're the boss. You're the breadwinner, you're the head of the family and your decision is final.
- Peter Ingersoll: [folding arms] Now I'm really in trouble.
- Nancy Ingersoll: I hate to point out the following hard facts to you.
- Peter Ingersoll: [wanting her to get to the point] Skip the side-dishes and get to the meat...
- Nancy Ingersoll: [crying] I'll cut expenses all around. Sell the house, get an apartment. Probably get a job, how about you?
- Peter Ingersoll: How about me? I just told you about me.
- Nancy Ingersoll: How are we going to spend the time?
- Peter Ingersoll: Oh... the time I have left... Well you know those one-a-day brand vitamin tablets? Don't buy the economy size. And you might as well cancel my subscription to my "Book-of-the-Month" club, I'm gonna have to learn to read short stories.
- Nancy Ingersoll: [furiously] Do you know what you're doing to me and the children?
- Peter Ingersoll: [sarcastically] Well I meant no harm dear, it's just that I've never died before.
- Scott Carter: You have your expected heart attack and die. I witness your death, and as your doctor I sign your death certificate. The coffin is sealed and shipped home for a term, Nancy and the kids collect your life insurance. As for your other debts...
- Peter Ingersoll: [smiling at the realization] They can't collect from a corpse.
- Scott Carter: [smiling] Something like that.
- Peter Ingersoll: [skeptically] Whose corpse are we talking about?
- Scott Carter: Well, certainly not yours.
- Peter Ingersoll: [smiling] Oh... then we're talking about...
- Peter Ingersoll: [suddenly scared] ... murder?... Look Scotty, I'm an embezzler already, I don't need a promotion.
- Peter Ingersoll: Picturesque Portugal, by the sea. A beautiful country with marvelous hard working people who work primarily with fish, a very big fish export. And if you think fish smells, wait until you hear the rest of this story. It's a dilly.
- [Peter and Scott enter the mortuary looking for a body that fits Peter's description to send back home for his supposed funeral]
- Foreign Mortician: I have just what you're looking for.
- Foreign Mortician: [reading the paper he pulls out on the deceased] "Male, heart attack, six feet, one hundred and seventy five pounds."
- [the mortician pulls out the body]
- Peter Ingersoll: [to Scott as he pulls the cover off of the deceased to sees that he's a black man] Too tall.