Jack Klugman credited as playing...
Oscar Madison • Blinky Madison • Ebenezer Madison
- Oscar Madison: You want brown juice or green juice?
- Felix Unger: What's the difference?
- Oscar Madison: Three weeks.
- [Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]
- Oscar Madison: Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.
- Felix Unger: I don't.
- Oscar Madison: You don't have any fun either.
- [Oscar is dating the princess of a tiny European country]
- Princess: My country is so small we only sent one athlete to the Olympics.
- Oscar Madison: Oh? What event did he compete in?
- Princess: All of them!
- Oscar Madison: How did he do?
- Princess: He died in the relays.
- Felix Unger: What are you doing?
- Oscar Madison: Sterilizing the wound.
- Felix Unger: With beer?
- Oscar Madison: It's got alcohol in it.
- Oscar Madison: Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.
- Felix Unger: She likes... David Cassidy better than me!
- [Despondent that his daughter, Edna, isn't speaking to him]
- Oscar Madison: So do I!
- [when Oscar opens a suitcase from his closet, clothes fall out]
- Felix Unger: What's that?
- Oscar Madison: Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip.
- Felix Unger: The man puts his ketchup on his salad.
- Oscar Madison: So? I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine.