Tony Randall credited as playing...
Felix Unger • Grandpa Unger • 3 spirits • Bob Cratchit • Jacob Marley • Morris Unger
- Felix Unger: [to woman on witness stand] Ah... you *assumed*. My dear, you should never *assume*. You see, when you *assume*
- [writes the word "assume" on a blackboard]
- Felix Unger: , you make an *ass*... out of *you*... and *me*.
- Oscar Madison: You want brown juice or green juice?
- Felix Unger: What's the difference?
- Oscar Madison: Three weeks.
- [Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]
- Oscar Madison: Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.
- Felix Unger: I don't.
- Oscar Madison: You don't have any fun either.
- Felix Unger: What are you doing?
- Oscar Madison: Sterilizing the wound.
- Felix Unger: With beer?
- Oscar Madison: It's got alcohol in it.
- Felix Unger: She likes... David Cassidy better than me!
- [Despondent that his daughter, Edna, isn't speaking to him]
- Oscar Madison: So do I!
- [when Oscar opens a suitcase from his closet, clothes fall out]
- Felix Unger: What's that?
- Oscar Madison: Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip.
- Felix Unger: The man puts his ketchup on his salad.
- Oscar Madison: So? I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine.
- Felix Unger: I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down.
- Murray Greshler: You're so tidy.
- Howard Cosell: [pointing to Oscar] Either he leaves or I leave.
- Felix Unger: [turning to Oscar] Leave!