Bob Newhart: Major Major

Catch-22

Major Major

Maj. Major Major Major: Sergeant, from now on, I don't want anyone to come in and see me while I'm in my office. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. What do I say to people who want to come in and see you while you're in your office?
Maj. Major Major Major: Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
First Sgt. Towser: For how long?
Maj. Major Major Major: Until I've left.
First Sgt. Towser: And then what do I do with them?
Maj. Major Major Major: I don't care.
First Sgt. Towser: May I send people in to see you after you've left?
Maj. Major Major Major: Yes.
First Sgt. Towser: You won't be here then, will you?
Maj. Major Major Major: No.
First Sgt. Towser: I see, sir. Will that be all?
Maj. Major Major Major: Also, Sergeant, I don't want you coming in while I'm in my office asking me if there's anything you can do for me. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. When should I come in your office and ask if there's anything I can do for you?
Maj. Major Major Major: When I'm not there.
First Sgt. Towser: What do I do then?
Maj. Major Major Major: Whatever has to be done.
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir.

Colonel Cathcart: What's your name?
Maj. Major Major Major: Major, sir.
Colonel Cathcart: I didn't ask your rank, I asked your name.
Maj. Major Major Major: No, sir. I'm a Captain. My name is Major. Captain Major.
Colonel Cathcart: Just about as clear as mud, isn't it?

Colonel Cathcart: We're going to need a new squadron commander.
Lt. Col. Korn, XO: And you're the only Major available on our headquarters staff.
Maj. Major Major Major: No, Major is my name, not my rank.
Colonel Cathcart: That's close enough for me, Major. Consider yourself a Major, now.
Maj. Major Major Major: Sir, I don't know anything about being a squadron commander.
Colonel Cathcart: We all have to make sacrifices, Major.
Maj. Major Major Major: Sir, I'm in Billeting and Laundry!

General Dreedle: Why isn't he wearing clothes?
Lt. Col. Korn, XO: He's talking to you.
Colonel Cathcart: Why isn't he wearing clothes, Major?
Maj. Major Major Major: Why isn't he wearing *clothes*, Sergeant?
First Sgt. Towser: A man was killed in his plane over Avignon last week and bled all over him. His clothes haven't come back from the laundry yet.
General Dreedle: Where are his other uniforms?
First Sgt. Towser: They're in the laundry, too, sir.
General Dreedle: Where's his underwear?
First Sgt. Towser: In the laundry, sir.
General Dreedle: That sounds like a lot of crap to me.
Yossarian: [standing naked] It is a lot of crap, sir.
Colonel Cathcart: Sir, you have my word for it, this man will be *punished* severely.
General Dreedle: What the hell do I care? If he wants to receive a medal without any clothes on, what the hell business is it of yours?
Colonel Cathcart: My sentiments exactly, sir.